Author Topic: Classic joke thread...  (Read 1357201 times)

Solus

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5140 on: September 17, 2018, 05:29:36 AM »
A tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic
merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat ?"

"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.

The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story".

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.

A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay. Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.

"Ahhh," said the owner, "You come back for story ?"

"No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat.
Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!"
—Patrick Henry

"Good intentions will always be pleaded for every assumption of authority. It is hardly too strong to say that the Constitution was made to guard the people against the dangers of good intentions. There are men in all ages who mean to govern well, but they mean to govern. They promise to be good masters, but they mean to be masters."
— Daniel Webster

Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5141 on: September 17, 2018, 10:59:06 PM »
Did you realize that whatever the temperature is, and whatever room you're in, it's always room temperature?
""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

THE RIGHT TO BUY WEAPONS IS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE - A. E. van Vogt, The Weapon Shops of Isher

Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5142 on: September 21, 2018, 10:32:04 PM »
Rufus is a Latin word meaning redheaded, but I've never seen a guy named Rufus who was a redhead. The only Rufus I've known personally was an African-American, and with his dark complexion would have looked ridiculous if he was a redhead. Like Homey D. Clown.
""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

THE RIGHT TO BUY WEAPONS IS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE - A. E. van Vogt, The Weapon Shops of Isher

PegLeg45

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5143 on: September 24, 2018, 12:50:59 PM »
I've personally known two guys named Rufus, one white who owned a gas station in the little town down the road and one black who I worked with for 17 years.

I know of a white actor and a white singer both named Rufus....Rufus Sewell and Rufus Wainwright.
"I expect perdition, I always have. I keep this building at my back, and several guns handy, in case perdition arrives in a form that's susceptible to bullets. I expect it will come in the disease form, though. I'm susceptible to diseases, and you can't shoot a damned disease." ~ Judge Roy Bean, Streets of Laredo

For the Patriots of this country, the Constitution is second only to the Bible for most. For those who love this country, but do not share my personal beliefs, it is their Bible. To them nothing comes before the Constitution of these United States of America. For this we are all labeled potential terrorists. ~ Dean Garrison

"When it comes to the enemy, just because they ain't pullin' a trigger, doesn't mean they ain't totin' ammo for those that are."~PegLeg

TAB

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5144 on: September 24, 2018, 06:46:17 PM »
This needs too be here


https://worldnewsdailyreport.com/woman-sues-samsung-for-1-8m-after-cell-phone-gets-stuck-inside-her-vagina/


Um, ok I known people stick phones where they are not  supposed too, heard it from many er staff, but too sue afterwards.... wtf
I always break all the clay pigeons,  some times its even with lead.

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5145 on: Today at 07:09:29 AM »

Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5145 on: September 25, 2018, 12:17:55 AM »
I've personally known two guys named Rufus, one white who owned a gas station in the little town down the road and one black who I worked with for 17 years.

I know of a white actor and a white singer both named Rufus....Rufus Sewell and Rufus Wainwright.

How many of them are red-headed? I know 2 of them aren't.
""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

THE RIGHT TO BUY WEAPONS IS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE - A. E. van Vogt, The Weapon Shops of Isher

Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5146 on: September 25, 2018, 12:27:54 AM »
This needs too be here


https://worldnewsdailyreport.com/woman-sues-samsung-for-1-8m-after-cell-phone-gets-stuck-inside-her-vagina/


Um, ok I known people stick phones where they are not  supposed too, heard it from many er staff, but too sue afterwards.... wtf

Speaking of suing.
https://worldnewsdailyreport.com/red-haired-teen-sues-his-parents-for-2m-for-being-born-ginger/

And don't forget the last paragraph on this page.
https://worldnewsdailyreport.com/disclaimer_/
""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

THE RIGHT TO BUY WEAPONS IS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE - A. E. van Vogt, The Weapon Shops of Isher

Jim Kennedy-ar154me

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5147 on: September 25, 2018, 10:48:41 AM »
Starkle starkle little twink who the hell you are I think, I'm not as drunk as most thinkle peep I am, besides I've had only tee martoonies, anyhow I have all day sober to sunday up in, I fool so feelish I don't know who's me yet, but the drunker I sit here the longer I get!!
The time for action is upon us and the enemy is at our gates. Let us not allow them one more inch of advancement but instead throw them through the gates of Hell.

PegLeg45

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5148 on: September 25, 2018, 02:24:58 PM »
 8)
"I expect perdition, I always have. I keep this building at my back, and several guns handy, in case perdition arrives in a form that's susceptible to bullets. I expect it will come in the disease form, though. I'm susceptible to diseases, and you can't shoot a damned disease." ~ Judge Roy Bean, Streets of Laredo

For the Patriots of this country, the Constitution is second only to the Bible for most. For those who love this country, but do not share my personal beliefs, it is their Bible. To them nothing comes before the Constitution of these United States of America. For this we are all labeled potential terrorists. ~ Dean Garrison

"When it comes to the enemy, just because they ain't pullin' a trigger, doesn't mean they ain't totin' ammo for those that are."~PegLeg

crusader rabbit

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5149 on: September 25, 2018, 03:29:08 PM »
I have a bumper sticker that says...

HONK IF YOU THINK I'M SEXY

Then I just sit at a green light until I feel better about myself.
“I’ve lived the literal meaning of the ‘land of the free’ and ‘home of the brave.’ It’s not corny for me. I feel it in my heart. I feel it in my chest. Even at a ball game, when someone talks during the anthem or doesn’t take off his hat, it pisses me off. I’m not one to be quiet about it, either.”  Chris Kyle

 

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