Author Topic: Classic joke thread...  (Read 1357533 times)

Steve Cover

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Mud Puddle Fishing
« Reply #4840 on: June 25, 2015, 03:42:04 PM »
The rich east coast banker had finally fulfilled his dream to fish Alaska.
Driving back to his hotel after a heavy rain, he spotted an old man fishing in one of the large puddles in a tavern parking lot.

This perked his interest so he pulled into the bar's parking lot next to the fisherman.
Getting out of his rented car, he approached the Old Timer.
The Old Geezer had a crooked branch pole with a string attached to the end.
The other end of the string was in the center of the puddle.

After watching for several minutes, he asked the Old Timer what he was doing.
The Old Sour Dough shot him a quick look, put his finger to his lips and softly said, "Shush! What does it look like I'm doing? I'm fishing."

With this he turned his attention back on his line with an expectant look giving it a slight jiggle.

The banker thought to himself that the old man must have spent too many winters above the Arctic circle.

Feeling sorry for the old guy standing wet and cold there trying to fish a mud puddle, he asked him to come into the bar for a beer.

The old man reluctantly put down his makeshift rod and slowly followed the banker into the tavern.
Taking a seat at the bar the banker ordered a tap beer for the old guy.

It was obvious by how much the Geezer was openly enjoying his beer that the banker could see that he hadn't had one in a long time, so he ordered him another.
The old man graciously accepted the second beer and just as before, he showed true enjoyment of it too.

Sitting there awkwardly in silence, the banker asked, "So, how is the fishing going?"
The Sour Dough finished his beer, turned to the banker and with a twinkle in his eye said, "Pretty good, so far today, you're the eighth."

Whether you are rich or poor, free beer always tastes best.

Steve
FOR THOSE WHO HAVE FOUGHT FOR IT
FREEDOM HAS A FLAVOR
THE PROTECTED WILL NEVER KNOW

tt11758

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4841 on: July 03, 2015, 07:54:23 PM »
Senior Dress Code - Very important!
Many people over 50 . . . WAY over 50 . . . are quite confused about how they should present themselves in public.
They're unsure about the kind of image they are projecting and whether or not they are correct as they try to conform to current fashions. And for those of you receiving this who are nowhere near 50 yet, keep reading anyway . . . you'll be there before you know it.
Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist
11. Bikinis and liver spots
12. Short shorts and varicose veins
13. In-line skates and a walker
And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in fashion:
14. A thong and Depends
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.
Have a nice day!
I love waking up every morning knowing that Donald Trump is President!!

GASPASSERDELUXE

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4842 on: July 03, 2015, 08:10:56 PM »
First of all tt I resent the "way over 50" remark seeing I am way over 50 er 60 no 70. However thanks for the tip about depends and thongs. I'll remember that for at least 5 minutes.

GASPASSERDELUXE

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4843 on: July 04, 2015, 09:35:20 AM »
     Oh, beautiful for drone-filled skies
    A tax code so arcane!
    A voting class on their fat ass
    From Houston to Fort Wayne!
    America! America!
    You voted stuff for free
    You made your bed, ye overfed
    Go watch some more TV!

tombogan03884

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4844 on: July 05, 2015, 06:51:20 AM »
STOLEN !

Sponsor

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4845 on: Today at 01:09:20 AM »

santahog

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4845 on: July 07, 2015, 11:31:08 AM »

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.....
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
With friends like these, who needs hallucinations!..

tombogan03884

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4846 on: July 07, 2015, 01:12:36 PM »
It also made it damned hard for his assassin to hit him.

crusader rabbit

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4847 on: July 08, 2015, 06:39:18 AM »
A woman walks into a bar and orders a double entendre, so the bartender gives it to her.
“I’ve lived the literal meaning of the ‘land of the free’ and ‘home of the brave.’ It’s not corny for me. I feel it in my heart. I feel it in my chest. Even at a ball game, when someone talks during the anthem or doesn’t take off his hat, it pisses me off. I’m not one to be quiet about it, either.”  Chris Kyle

tt11758

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4848 on: July 21, 2015, 08:51:21 PM »
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.  The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant.  They must be saved.  I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.  As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.  It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65.  To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.  Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides.  It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.  The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck.

I love waking up every morning knowing that Donald Trump is President!!

Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4849 on: August 04, 2015, 04:05:04 PM »

Discovery Announcement - The densest element in the known Universe has been found!

Pelosium:

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Pelosium. Pelosium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311.

These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

The symbol of Pelosium is PU.


Pelosium's mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons within the Pelosium molecule, leading to the formation of isodopes.


This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientist to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

When catalyzed with money, Pelosium activates CNNadnausium, an element that radiates orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons as Pelosium.
""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

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