Author Topic: Classic joke thread...  (Read 1357161 times)

lhprop1

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4720 on: June 19, 2014, 09:50:26 AM »
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, an Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, an Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, an Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a very fine restaurant.

 "I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group, "You can't come in here without a Thai. "
Bravery and stupidity are often synonymous.  So are cowardice and intelligence.

"We Americans have been a rebellious band of freedom loving vagabonds from the very beginning. Our freedom from the crown and tyranny would not exist had it not been for the gun. That's a tradition we like to hold on to.  The same can't be said for the rest of you 'Subjects of the Queen'."--said to a Canadian friend who just doesn't get it.

kmitch200

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4721 on: June 21, 2014, 02:42:49 AM »
I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. 
Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days...all my cows!
He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine!

I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ............. but they kind of taste like peppermint.
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles; but at least they drive slowly past schools.

tombogan03884

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4722 on: July 27, 2014, 07:36:46 AM »


EIGHT THOUGHTS TO PONDER

 

Number 8

Life is sexually transmitted.

 

 Number 7

 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 

 Number 6

 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.

 

They can't tell them apart.

If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

 

 

Number 5

 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.


Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you

for weeks, months, maybe years.

 

 

 Number 4

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,


lying in the hospitals,dying of nothing.

 

 

 

 Number 3

All of us could take a lesson from the weather.

 

It pays no attention to criticism.

 Number 2

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.


Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

 

 

 

 And The Number 1 Thought

 Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers—

 

What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.



 ... and as someone recently said to me:

  " Don 't worry about old age-- It doesn't last that long."

Ranger Dave

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4723 on: July 27, 2014, 03:12:53 PM »
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with
one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, ' I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister s in the 3rd grade
and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3d grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the
situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed
to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and heagreed to take the test.

Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry:
'9.'

Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can
go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging
open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out
soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means
a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Fire Truck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.'

TAB

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I always break all the clay pigeons,  some times its even with lead.

Sponsor

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4725 on: Today at 03:55:21 AM »

Ranger Dave

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4725 on: July 29, 2014, 06:43:39 PM »
Tab isn't your wife a redhead ;D

TAB

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4726 on: July 29, 2014, 11:01:25 PM »
Tab isn't your wife a redhead ;D
 

And she has a fire down bellow... not just from her red hair....

 ;) :P :o 8) ;D
I always break all the clay pigeons,  some times its even with lead.

kmitch200

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You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles; but at least they drive slowly past schools.

Ranger Dave

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4728 on: September 14, 2014, 09:17:31 PM »
young hunter asks an older hunter "What was the cheapest cut of meat he could think of?"

Older hunter said he didn't know

Younger hunter said deer nuts you can get them under a buck.

Ranger Dave

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4729 on: September 14, 2014, 09:19:20 PM »
How can you get a man to play with 3 pounds of fat?








Put a nipple on it

Off to the corner I go ;D

 

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