Classic joke thread...

[tt11758]

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they                   
have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.  One day while
they were walking past the hospital swimming                           
     pool,   Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the
bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him.  She swam to the bottom and 
pulled him out.  When the Head Nurse                                 
Director became aware of  Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her
to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be
mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news &
bad news.  The good news is you're                                 
being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis
by jumping in  & saving the life of the person you love...  I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe
belt right after you saved him.  I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..  How
soon can I go home?'

[tt11758]

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.
 
My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.
 
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food,
and I would even thank you more
if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert.
And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
 
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby,
I heard a woman remark,
"That's what's wrong with this country.
Kids today don't even know how to pray.
Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"
 
Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me,
"Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
 
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him,
an elderly gentleman approached the table.
 
He winked at my grand-son and said,
"I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
 
"Really?" my grand-son asked.
 
"Cross my heart," the man replied.
 
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added
(indicating the woman whose remark
had started this whole thing),
 
"Too bad she never asks God for ice cream.
A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
 
Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal.
My grand-son stared at his for a moment,
and then did something I will remember the
rest of my life.
 
He picked up his sundae and, without a word,
walked over and placed it in front of the woman.
 
With a big smile he told her,
 
"Here, this is for you.
Shove it up your ass you grouchy old bitch! "

 
 
Touches the heart doesn't it?

[kmitch200]

The wife's back on the warpath again.
Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

 
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

 
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

 
After suffering from depression for a while, the wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday. 
But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, screw it, I'll soldier on!
 

I woke up this morning at 8 and just felt that something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
Then I remembered that McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.
 

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
 

My wife packed my bags and said "GET OUT!!!" As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay?"
 

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

[Bic]

I went to a local nightclub last night.

It was Golden Oldies night, but I went anyway.

They played "The Twist", so I twisted.

They played "Jump", so I jumped.

They played "Come on Eileen" - and that's when they threw me out.

[lhprop1]

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

[dramatic pause]

"Hi George. Say what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad, I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

[Sponsor]

[TAB]

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:
 Husband :-I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.
 Inspector :-What is her height?
 Husband :-I never checked.
 Inspector :-Slim or healthy?.
 Husband :-Not slim, can be healthy.
 Inspector :-Color of eyes?
 Husband :-Never noticed.
 Inspector :-Color of hair?
 Husband :-Changes according to season.
 Inspector :-What was she wearing?
 Husband :-Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.
 Inspector :-Was she driving?
 Husband :-yes.
 Inspector :-color of the car? . . . . .
 Husband :-black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 liter V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door....................?.and then the husband started crying...
 Inspector:-Don't worry sir,.....We will find your car.

[kmitch200]

One Monday morning the mailman was driving through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.  As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
 
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine, and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.
 
"'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the mailman commented.
 
David, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00o’clock Sunday morning. 
We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for a party and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I?'
 
The Mailman thought for a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
 
‘Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing  through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..'
 
The mailman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
 
'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded, 'your name came up 7 times.'

[Solus]

New Threat in California

Investigative sources in California say that radical Muslims are planning to go
on a rampage in the city of Los Angeles, killing anyone who is a U.S. citizen.

Police officials fear the death toll could be as high as 9.

 

[PegLeg45]

New Threat in California

Investigative sources in California say that radical Muslims are planning to go
on a rampage in the city of Los Angeles, killing anyone who is a U.S. citizen.

Police officials fear the death toll could be as high as 9.

Yeah..... a classic example of the humor in truth.

[Bic]

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.

Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.

Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand ? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite !"

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"