Classic joke thread...

[crusader rabbit]

Bud the Cowboy
   
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture
in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud
of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses
and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you
exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a
calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it
to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area
in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports
it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has
been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database
through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry
and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have
exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with
amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your
business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though
nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a
question I never asked. You used millions of dollars' worth of equipment
trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a
thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that
matter. This is a herd of sheep."

"Now give me back my dog."


AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT

[tombogan03884]

If you ever wondered which side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test!

If a Republican doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.

If a Democrat doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a Republican is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.

If a Democrat is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a Republican is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.

If a Democrat is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

If a Republican is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.

If a Democrat is down-and-out he wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a Republican doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.

A Democrat demands that those they don't like be shut down.

If a Republican is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.

A Democrat non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.

If a Republican decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.

If a Democrat decides he needs health care, he demands that the rest of us pay for his.

If a Republican reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.

A Democrat will delete it because he's "offended

[tombogan03884]

Questioning Male logic
 
Lady: Do you drink?

 Man: Yes

 Lady: How much a day?

 Man: three 6 packs
 
 Lady: How much per 6 pack

 Man: about $10.00
 
 Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

 Man: 15 years

 Lady: So one 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3  packs a day which puts your
spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

 Man: Correct

 Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past
15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

 Man: Correct

 Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have
been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now
bought a Ferrari?

 
 Man: Do you drink?

 Lady: No

 Man: Where's your Ferrari then?

[crusader rabbit]

HELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP
           
DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, and short sets.  Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers - decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first one - and I can't wait!


            ----------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins.  Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.


            ----------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 3

At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.


                        ---------------------------------------------------


DEAR DIARY - DAY 4

Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne.  He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.


                        ----------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.  Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night.   Again I declined.

He told me that if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.


                                      ----------------------------------------------------



DEAR DIARY - DAY 6

Today I saved 2600 lives.

     
 
Twice.

[JC5123]

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

[Sponsor]

[tombogan03884]

That's old, but I still laugh every time I read it .   

[gunman42782]

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks,
but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting
the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed
to God, USA , they decided to send it to President Obama. Obama was so
amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $
5.00 bill. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a
little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat
down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

        Dear God:
        Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed
that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C. and that
asshole Obama took $95.00 out in taxes.

[billt]

Obama was looking for a call girl.
He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.
To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'
She replied, "$200."
To the brunette he asked the same question.
Her reply was "$100."
He then asked the redhead.
Her reply was,
"Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes...
.....my panties as low as my wages....
....get "that thing"of yours as hard as the times we are living in and keep it rising like the price of gas, ...
...keep me warmer than it is in my apartment....
... and screw me the way you have retirees......
 .....then you can have it for free, like the immigrants."

[ellis4538]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
 
 The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
 
 In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things…
 
 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
 
 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
 
 3. I'm a six-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
 
 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
 
 5.. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
 
 Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

 


 
 The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, “Well no! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five f'n times.”

[fatbaldguy]

 Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?

 The answer can be found by posing the following question:

 You're walking down a

 deserted street with your wife

 and two small children .



 Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife

 comes around the corner,

 locks eyes with you,

 screams obscenities,

 raises the knife, and charges at you . . .



 You are carrying a

 Kimber 1911 cal . 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot .

 You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family .

 What do you do?






 THINK CAREFULLY AND

 THEN SCROLL DOWN:



 Democrat's Answer:

 Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

What is a Kimber anyway?

 Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?

 Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

 Could we run away?

 What does my wife think?

What do the kids think?

 Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the

 knife out of his hand?

 What does the law say about this situation?

 Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?

 Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of

 message does this send to society and to my children?

 Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

 Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content

 just to wound me?

 If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get

away while he stabs me?

 Should I call 9-1-1?

 Why is this street so deserted?

 We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day .

If we can we make this a happier, healthier street that would

 discourage such behavior .

 I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and

 try to come to a consensus .

 This is all so confusing!



 Republican's Answer:



 BANG!


 Southerner's Answer:


 BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

 Click . . . . . (Sounds of reloading)

 BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

 BANG!

 BANG!

BANG!

 Click



 Daughter: 'Nice shooting, Daddy!'

 'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!



 Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'


 Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!