Author Topic: Classic joke thread...  (Read 1357479 times)

Solus

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5010 on: February 09, 2017, 02:41:22 PM »
Came across what could be a trivia question...but it made me laugh so I will post it  here

Who is the first woman in US history to lost the presidency twice?

I'll be chuckling all day...
Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!"
—Patrick Henry

"Good intentions will always be pleaded for every assumption of authority. It is hardly too strong to say that the Constitution was made to guard the people against the dangers of good intentions. There are men in all ages who mean to govern well, but they mean to govern. They promise to be good masters, but they mean to be masters."
— Daniel Webster

Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5011 on: February 09, 2017, 09:59:46 PM »
There was a woman who ran ages ago but I can't remember her name or what party she ran with. Just a minor footnote in history. Instead I'll just think about Hillary losing with a smile on my face.
""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

THE RIGHT TO BUY WEAPONS IS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE - A. E. van Vogt, The Weapon Shops of Isher

bulldog75

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5012 on: February 11, 2017, 06:49:56 AM »
Hillary lost three times.
Citizens sleep peacfully at night knowing that rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf - George Orwell

TAB

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5013 on: February 14, 2017, 04:21:47 PM »
An elderly Irish woman of advanced age visited her doctor to ask his advice on reviving her husband's lagging libido.
 'What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
 "Not a chance," she said... "He won't even take an aspirin."
 "Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish Viagra."
 "What's this Irish Viagra?" she asked.
 "You drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
 A week later she called the doctor, who asked her about the results.
 "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!" she exclaimed. "T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
 "Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
 "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was immediate.
 He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye! With one swoop of his arm, he sent cups and tablecloth flying, then ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
 "Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean it wasn't good?"
 "It was the best I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
I always break all the clay pigeons,  some times its even with lead.

PegLeg45

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5014 on: February 17, 2017, 08:30:19 PM »

"I expect perdition, I always have. I keep this building at my back, and several guns handy, in case perdition arrives in a form that's susceptible to bullets. I expect it will come in the disease form, though. I'm susceptible to diseases, and you can't shoot a damned disease." ~ Judge Roy Bean, Streets of Laredo

For the Patriots of this country, the Constitution is second only to the Bible for most. For those who love this country, but do not share my personal beliefs, it is their Bible. To them nothing comes before the Constitution of these United States of America. For this we are all labeled potential terrorists. ~ Dean Garrison

"When it comes to the enemy, just because they ain't pullin' a trigger, doesn't mean they ain't totin' ammo for those that are."~PegLeg

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5015 on: Today at 09:19:24 PM »

TAB

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5015 on: February 27, 2017, 08:15:48 PM »
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.The couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean, well-maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.The social workers raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care."We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment."Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet," the circus couple explained.The social workers are finally satisfied. They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?""It doesn't really matter, as long the kid fits into the cannon.?
I always break all the clay pigeons,  some times its even with lead.

Jim Kennedy-ar154me

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5016 on: February 28, 2017, 09:56:26 AM »
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.The couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean, well-maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.The social workers raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care."We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment."Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet," the circus couple explained.The social workers are finally satisfied. They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?""It doesn't really matter, as long the kid fits into the cannon.?

Mind if I steel that one??    :o :o :o :o
The time for action is upon us and the enemy is at our gates. Let us not allow them one more inch of advancement but instead throw them through the gates of Hell.

crusader rabbit

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5017 on: March 03, 2017, 06:59:56 AM »
         
President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht; the Pope
accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off, right
into the water.

It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in
place.

The crew and the secret service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get
it, when Trump waved them off, saying "Never mind, boys, I'll get it."

The Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the
hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht, and
handed the Pope his hat.

The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope's entourage were
speechless.

No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.

But that afternoon, NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, and CNN
reported:  "TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!"
“I’ve lived the literal meaning of the ‘land of the free’ and ‘home of the brave.’ It’s not corny for me. I feel it in my heart. I feel it in my chest. Even at a ball game, when someone talks during the anthem or doesn’t take off his hat, it pisses me off. I’m not one to be quiet about it, either.”  Chris Kyle

billt

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5018 on: March 03, 2017, 10:24:41 AM »
1966 vs 2016


2016 NEW YEAR
This should be sent only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it...

1966: Long hair
2016: Longing for hair

1966: KEG
2016: EKG

1966: Acid rock
2016: Acid reflux

1966: Moving to California because it's cool
2016: Moving to Arizona because it's warm

1966: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2016: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1966: Seeds and stems
2016: Roughage

1966: Hoping for a BMW
2016: Hoping for a BM

1966: Going to a new, hip joint
2016: Receiving a new hip joint

1966: Rolling Stones
2016: Kidney Stones

1966: Screw the system
2016: Upgrade the system

1966: Disco
2016: Costco

1966: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2016: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1966: Passing the drivers' test
2016: Passing the vision test

1966: Whatever
2016: Depends

billt

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5019 on: March 03, 2017, 10:27:27 AM »
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1998.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced 7 years before they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control..
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane.."
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

 

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