Author Topic: Classic joke thread...  (Read 1357539 times)

alfack

  • Very Active Forum Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 198
  • Liked:
  • Likes Given: 0
Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5000 on: January 03, 2017, 06:04:53 PM »
Nice one Phil!  ^^^^

Solus

  • Top Forum Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8664
  • DRTV Ranger
  • Liked:
  • Likes Given: 43
Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5001 on: January 03, 2017, 06:09:22 PM »
A classic example of Aussie Humor and Sensitivity   ;) ;) ;)

You're sick, Phil, but funny   :D

P.S.  took me a moment to catch the bit about her mother too.
Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!"
—Patrick Henry

"Good intentions will always be pleaded for every assumption of authority. It is hardly too strong to say that the Constitution was made to guard the people against the dangers of good intentions. There are men in all ages who mean to govern well, but they mean to govern. They promise to be good masters, but they mean to be masters."
— Daniel Webster

Rastus

  • Mindlessness Fuels Tyranny
  • Top Forum Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6769
  • DRTV Ranger
  • Liked:
  • Likes Given: 563
Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5002 on: January 03, 2017, 07:02:52 PM »
HAHAHAHAHAHA...

Good Phil!

I'm glad you're back for sure!!!!!!
Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom.
It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves.
-William Pitt, British Prime-Minister (1759-1806)
                                                                                                                               Avoid subjugation, join the NRA!

billt

  • Top Forum Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6760
  • Liked:
  • Likes Given: 454
Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5003 on: January 07, 2017, 09:53:59 AM »
One sunny day in 2018, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton. The Marine replied, Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here.

The old man said, Okay, and walked away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton.

The Marine again told the man, Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here. The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton.

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton.
 
I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand??

The old man answered, Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing your answer! The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, See you tomorrow."

TAB

  • DRTV Rangers
  • Top Forum Member
  • *
  • Posts: 9964
  • Liked:
  • Likes Given: 92
Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5004 on: January 19, 2017, 04:24:13 PM »
Twas the Night Before Inauguration!

 Twas the night before Inauguration, and up in the tower,
 The Donald reflected on his newfound power.
 The conservative masses had come out in force,
 And delivered a victory that would chart a new course.

 The snowflakes were shell-shocked with tears in their eyes,
 The media lied to them . . . What a surprise.
 They had been promised a Hillary win,
 But the criminal Clinton took one on the chin.

 And though from all corners celebrities flew,
 They made no impression, for they hadn't a clue.
 They talked about climate, racism, and such,
 And they made up good stories . . . But didn't know much.

 The fake news and ignorance came at a cost,
 And they can't understand all the reasons they lost.
 They blame it on Comey and Bernie and Vlad,
 But fail to acknowledge the one that was bad.

 Yes, Hillary Clinton, in many ways flawed,
 Was her own biggest hurdle toward getting the nod.
 The campaign exposed her corruptness and greed,
 And her speeches were punch-less as ten dollar weed.

 So out in the streets there arose such a clatter,
 It was Soros-paid protestors and Black Lives Matter.
 With cities to pillage and windows to smash,
 They knew not the issues, but needed the cash.

 Eight years of Obama had given them cause,
 To expect a replacement of their Santa Claus.
 But soon the protestors will feel the pain,
 When the wheels fall off of the old gravy train.

 And now all the snowflakes are riddled with fear,
 Upset and offended by things that they'll hear.
 The cocoa and crayons will help for a while,
 But fact-based opinions will soon cramp their style.

 I originally supported, and voted, for Cruz,
 In the end, I would vote for whoever they choose.
 He wasn't my first choice, but soon I would cede,
 The one they call Trump is the one that we need.

 I saw him on TV in front of a crowd,
 He spoke about veterans, it made me feel proud.
 He spoke about energy, safety, and jobs,
 Taking this country back from the Washington snobs.

 He was dressed in Armani, all tailored and neat,
 And the Brunos he wore made the outfit complete.
 For a man of his vintage, he seemed rather fit,
 And he looked presidential, I have to admit.

 His eyes glowed like embers, his smile was the best,
 And his hair was the color of my old hunting vest.
 His love for this country was on full display,
 And his actions spoke louder than his words could say.

 He thanked all his voters, and before he was gone,
 Saved thousands of jobs while Obama looked on.
 The fate of this country left nothing to chance,
 So, he filled out his cabinet weeks in advance.

 The men he had chosen were of the same mind,
 Let's set the bar high, and not lead from behind.
 He picked up his phone as he rose from his seat,
 With a flick of his finger, he sent out this tweet;

 Now Mattis!, now Kelly!, now Sessions! And Pruitt!
 On Perry! On Flynn, You're the ones who can do it.
 Start lifting restrictions and building the wall,
 Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!;

 The roar of his audience rose from the stands,
 He kissed all their babies and shook all their hands.
 He answered their questions and calmed all their fears,
 They knew it would be a fantastic four years.
 Then he jumped in his limo, and off to his jet,
 A fellow that Liberals won't soon forget.
 He sent one more tweet as the evening expired;
 "Happy Inauguration to all,
 AND OBAMA ,YOU'RE FIRED!"
I always break all the clay pigeons,  some times its even with lead.

Sponsor

  • Guest
Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5005 on: Today at 01:39:13 AM »

alfsauve

  • Semper Vigilantes
  • Top Forum Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7183
  • DRTV Ranger
  • Liked:
  • Likes Given: 447
Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5005 on: January 19, 2017, 08:13:37 PM »
A blond is driving her Porsche at about 100mph in a 55mph speed zone.  She gets pulled over by a blond California Highway Patrolwoman.

CHP:  Show me your Driver's license.
Blond:  What does it look like?
CHP:  Rectangular card with your picture on it.   You carry it in your purse.

The blond fishes around in her purse for a minute then finds a compact mirror.  She looks at it then hands it to the officer, who takes one glance...

CHP:  Oh.  I'm sorry.  You can go on.  I didn't realize you were a CHP also.

Will work for ammo
USAF MAC 437th MAW 1968-1972

lee1000

  • Forum Member
  • **
  • Posts: 11
  • Liked:
  • Likes Given: 0
Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5006 on: January 19, 2017, 08:55:52 PM »
"An open letter to my wife - a Gun Owning Husband Tells All”

It's time to come clean.

Ok. I've got few things to get off my chest regarding marriage and
firearms.

Honey, I've been purchasing guns behind your back for the last 20 years.

The reason that I've never thrown out that rusty toolbox in the basement
isn't really because I can't get a few guys to help me move it, the
truth is its a safe and loaded with desiccant and pistols.

That pile of odd bits of wood and tinder next to my workshop is actually
scrap wood sitting on a crate of Mosins I got on sale.

The box labeled 'Deere Mower Parts #xxxxx' on it in the garage...is
filled with revolvers and a 1903 Springfield.

Even though you've managed to fit a globe on that stand in the living
room, its really the tripod for a 1919a4.

The ladder to the Attic does work, I just didn't want you and the kids
in the reloading room.

Despite coming home each year with a winning shotgun from a local
raffle...there have been no raffles, I still have the worst luck on the
planet, but man if I don't get lucky with some great deals!

That cricket training rifle I got for the kids for $50 at a yard sale is
actually a custom Remington 700 worth near $2,000.

I've been dishonest about my revolvers as well when I tell you its the
same gun whenever you catch me in the house with one. Honey, please
don't be pissed, but there are actually over 90.

When I told you I had a stamp collection in the downstairs safe, I
wasn't being dishonest, the reason you can't go into that safe has
nothing to do with a faulty lock, it's because that safe is filled to
the iron seams with NFA items.

That 'Well Drilling Cessation' tool and drill set is actually a Barrett
821A.

The giant pipe that sits between our cars, has nothing to do with the
time or expense needed to replace the sewer line; its a Dutch Bronze
Field Cannon. The hay wagon for the kids is actually the base for the
cart.

Those metal balls are not the base for a rock wall but are instead the
shot balls for the cannon.

Those rods on the second workbench are not for a pipe organ project,
they are rifle barrels.

The ammo cans in the basement are actually....filled with ammo.

The hallway closet door hasn't been stuck, the door was keyed with the
lock cylinder at the baseboard. Its the ammo closet.

Home Depot doesn't really sell sets of odd sized pipe cleaners, you've
been using my shotgun and pistol cleaning brushes.

That antique candy dispenser that I'm to restore is actually a reloading
press.

I haven't really had a hankering for Jello or Gelatin, I've been making
ballistics gel.

Bird watching monoculars...yeah....I'm on my 5th spotting scope.

Thanks for putting up with the misshapen sculptures I've been working
on. The art work is horrid, but the bullet casting process is now down
to a science.

This one is a win/win because we got cable and the outdoor life network
channel, but the reason the den used to get horrid reception was because
those weren't rabbit ears atop the tv set, it was my chronograph.

You can stop calling James trying to figure out how or why we took a hit
on the commodities market earlier last year, the commodities were brass
and I brought a hell of a lot of it.

I know you are wondering with my bad knees how I plan on getting into
Badminton, one more confession: Those are shotgun wads.

I've never actually attended a Regional Sales conference each January,
I've been at the SHOT Show...its a support group. Honest.

tombogan03884

  • Guest
Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5007 on: January 20, 2017, 06:07:15 AM »
Tab, that's HUGE LOL  and stolen .  ;D

Jim Kennedy-ar154me

  • Top Forum Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 965
  • NRA Life Member
  • Liked:
  • Likes Given: 1404
Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5008 on: January 20, 2017, 12:18:42 PM »
TAB.... Stolen twice. I stole it from Tom...
The time for action is upon us and the enemy is at our gates. Let us not allow them one more inch of advancement but instead throw them through the gates of Hell.

TAB

  • DRTV Rangers
  • Top Forum Member
  • *
  • Posts: 9964
  • Liked:
  • Likes Given: 92
Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5009 on: January 20, 2017, 01:44:44 PM »
make that 3 I stole it from some where else
I always break all the clay pigeons,  some times its even with lead.

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk