Classic joke thread...

[TAB]

Woman: Do you drink beer?
 Man: Yes

 Woman: How many beers a day?
 Man: Usually about 3

 Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
 Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
 Man: About 20 years, I suppose

 Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it
 would be approximately $5400 correct?
 Man: Correct

 Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
 Man: Correct

 Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a
 Ferrari?
 Man: Do you drink beer?

 Woman: No
 Man: Where's your Ferrari?

[TAB]

[PegLeg45]

A man enters a coffee shop and the bartender comes over and asks, “Can I help you, sir?”
The man answers, “What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?”
The bartender says, “That would be $2.60.”
"Alright, I’ll have one.” says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his pocket and he throws them on the floor.
The bartender doesn’t want to get involved in a fight, so he just picks up the coins and he brings the man his coffee.
A week later, the same man enters the bar.
He orders a coffee again but this time he pays with a five dollar bill.
The bartender smelled a fine opportunity for revenge, so when he brings the coffee he throws 48 nickels on the floor as change.
The patron throws 2 extra dimes on the floor and orders a second coffee.

[Big Frank]

Too true to be funny.

[Jim Kennedy-ar154me]

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.
 
The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . . even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and just cover your own !!!

You'll be a lot happier and live longer!

[Sponsor]

[ellis4538]

Marshal, we really do need a LIKE button!

[Solus]

The Safari witnessed a small antelope being chased down by a cheetah.
While the kill was about to happen before their eyes, the husband casually remarked,  “I’ll bet the antelope gets away.”
The wife answered, “If that antelope survives this one, I’ll give you sex every day for the rest of your life, any way you want it.”
 
The deadly chase was recorded.

can't get the link to embed

http://www.youtube.com/embed/DYDIwOnXNc8?rel=0



 

[billt]

[Jim Kennedy-ar154me]

A doctor of gynecology had been applying his trade for now on 30 years and was beginning to feel it was time for something different. He had always enjoyed his gun collection and decided he wanted to become a gunsmith.
He found a top notch school and gleefully attended the classes making very high grades through the entire course. At the end of the course came the final exam to pass. The test was to totally take down, tune, and rebuild a 1911.
After completing his work he turned in the firearm for inspection and grading. A few days later he was called into the instructor’s office for the results.
Anxiously the former doctor entered the office and asked if there were any problems. The instructor handed him the firearm and the grading sheet with a smile. The doctor looked at it and back at the instructor with a very puzzled look. He then asked the instructor how he could have gotten a grade of 150%. The instructor explained that his work was top notch, excellent work and was graded as follows.
Quality of fit and finish           25%
Smoothness of action             25%
Trigger pull and over travel      25%
Barrel to slide fit           25%

Doing it all through the barrel, an extra   50%

[ellis4538]

A female CNN journalist heard about a  very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day,  every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went  to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy  site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to  leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an  interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your  name?

"Morris Feinberg,"he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been  coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60  years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between  the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as  responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that  politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their  own interests."


"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"


 

"Like I'm talking to a f....ing wall."