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Author Topic: Classic joke thread...  (Read 1362690 times)

billt

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4780 on: March 17, 2015, 10:24:50 AM »
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

 The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

 The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency
 open heart bypass surgery.

 He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the
 Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard
 loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to
 pay for his treatment.

 "Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
 He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

 The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

 He replied, "No money in the bank."

 Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?"
 asked the irritated nun.

 He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

 The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
 Nuns are married to God."

 The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
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santahog

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4781 on: March 18, 2015, 10:39:44 AM »
Quote from: billt on March 17, 2015, 10:24:50 AM

 The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
I love this!!
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With friends like these, who needs hallucinations!..

billt

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4782 on: March 22, 2015, 08:32:09 AM »
The Best Presidential LIES ever:
 

LBJ:
 We were attacked (in the Gulf of Tonkin )

Nixon:
 I am not a crook
 
GHW Bush:
 Read my lips - No New Taxes
 
Clinton:
 I did not have sex with that woman... Miss Lewinski
 
GW Bush:
 Iraq has weapons of mass destruction

...................................................................................

Obama:
 I will have the most transparent administration in history.
 The stimulus will fund shovel-ready jobs.
 I am focused like a laser on creating jobs.
 The IRS is not targeting anyone.
 It was a spontaneous riot about a movie.
 I will put an end to the type of politics that "breeds division, conflict and cynicism".
 You didn't build that!
 I will restore trust in Government.
 The Cambridge cops acted stupidly.
 The public will have 5 days to look at every bill that lands on my desk
 It's not my red line - it is the world's red line.
 Whistle blowers will be protected in my administration.
 We got back every dime we used to rescue the banks and auto companies, with interest.
 I am not spying on American citizens.
 Obama Care will be good for America .
 You can keep your family doctor.
 Premiums will be lowered by $2500.
 If you like it, you can keep your current healthcare plan.
 It's just like shopping at Amazon.
 I knew nothing about "Fast and Furious" gunrunning to Mexican drug cartels.
 I knew nothing about IRS targeting conservative groups.
 I knew nothing about what happened in Benghazi .
 I have never known my uncle from Kenya who is in the country illegally and that was arrested and told to leave the country over 20 years ago.
 And, I have never lived with that uncle. He finally admitted (12-05-2013) that he DID know his uncle and that he DID live with him.
 If elected I promise not to renew the Patriot Act.
 If elected I will end the war in Iraq and Afghanistan within the 1st 9 months of my term.
 I will close Guantanamo within the first 6 months of my term.
 I will bridge the gap between black and white and between America and other countries.
 And the biggest one of all:
 "I, Barrack Hussein Obama, pledge to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States of America ."

 
 I believe we have a winner: 29
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Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4783 on: March 22, 2015, 02:00:06 PM »
 :)
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""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

THE RIGHT TO BUY WEAPONS IS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE - A. E. van Vogt, The Weapon Shops of Isher

santahog

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4784 on: March 23, 2015, 09:11:16 AM »
Bush (41) wasn't wrong about the Bio/Chem stuff. He gassed the Kurds right after we left (the first time) with more than just a helicopter..
 ??? Sorry. Just sayin'.
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With friends like these, who needs hallucinations!..

Sponsor

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4785 on: Today at 03:48:09 AM »
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Solus

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4785 on: March 23, 2015, 09:44:22 AM »
Quote from: santahog on March 23, 2015, 09:11:16 AM
Bush (41) wasn't wrong about the Bio/Chem stuff. He gassed the Kurds right after we left (the first time) with more than just a helicopter..
 ??? Sorry. Just sayin'.

Are you saying it's Bush's fault there is an error in Billt,s list?   ;D
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Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!"
—Patrick Henry

"Good intentions will always be pleaded for every assumption of authority. It is hardly too strong to say that the Constitution was made to guard the people against the dangers of good intentions. There are men in all ages who mean to govern well, but they mean to govern. They promise to be good masters, but they mean to be masters."
— Daniel Webster

tombogan03884

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4786 on: March 23, 2015, 10:50:34 AM »
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Majer

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4787 on: March 31, 2015, 12:06:23 AM »
After nearly 50 years of marriage a couple was lying in bed one evening when the wife felt her husband begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.

He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. She asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'
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"If violent crime is to be curbed, it is only the intended victim who can do it. The felon does not fear the police, and he fears neither judge nor jury. Therefore what he must be taught to fear is his victim." - Jeff Cooper
Pericles--"Freedom is only for those who have the guts to defend it".

The problem with society today is that not enough of us drink wine from our enemies skulls”.

It takes 43 muscles to frown, 17 to smile, and 3 for proper trigger squeeze.

Gun control is like trying to reduce drunk driving by making it tougher for sober people to own cars!!!
-Sheriff Jim Wilson
"When tyranny becomes law rebellion becomes duty" Thomas Jefferson
Es gibt keine Notwendigkeit zu befürchten, Underdog hier ist.
Great nations rise and fall. The people go from bondage to spiritual truth, to great courage, from courage to liberty, from liberty to abundance, from abundance to selfishness, from selfishness to complacency, from complacency to apathy, from apathy to dependence, from dependence back again to bondage. Where are we now??????

crusader rabbit

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4788 on: April 01, 2015, 06:37:22 AM »
A single friend of mine says he's started dating homeless women.

He says, "They don't expect much.  And when the date is over, you can drop 'em off anywhere."
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“I’ve lived the literal meaning of the ‘land of the free’ and ‘home of the brave.’ It’s not corny for me. I feel it in my heart. I feel it in my chest. Even at a ball game, when someone talks during the anthem or doesn’t take off his hat, it pisses me off. I’m not one to be quiet about it, either.”  Chris Kyle

ellis4538

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4789 on: April 01, 2015, 05:22:00 PM »
Majer and CR, where is the "Like" button when I need it?!  LOL

Richard
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Used to be "The only thing to FEAR was FEAR ITSELF", nowadays "The only thing to FEAR is GETTING CAUGHT!"
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