Author Topic: Classic joke thread...  (Read 1357418 times)

kmitch200

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4770 on: January 05, 2015, 02:15:03 PM »
A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
The husband rolls over, looks at the clock and it's half past 3 in the morning. "I’m not getting out of bed" he thinks and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there.
It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost! It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy is drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife.” He needs our help and it's the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, He shouts,
"Hey, do you still want a push?"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yes....please."

Still being unable to see the stranger he shouts,

"Where are you?"


The drunk replies, "Over here....on the swing."
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles; but at least they drive slowly past schools.

billt

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4771 on: January 08, 2015, 05:43:44 AM »
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna
hear a blonde joke?”
 
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, a woman next to him says, “Before you tell that
joke, Cowboy,
I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five
things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
 
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde
joke?”
 
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, “No … not
if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
 

jaybet

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4772 on: January 21, 2015, 10:01:23 AM »
A Doctor was addressing a large audience.

 

“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing  that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

 

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”

I got the blues as my companion.

www.bluebone.net

Majer

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4773 on: January 24, 2015, 10:50:58 AM »
A guy goes to his Doctor for his yearly exam,when done the Doctor tells him "everything looks good,But I have to tell you,You have the dirtiest balls I have ever seen". The guy thanks him and says he'll take care of it.When he gets home he asks his wife to come in to talk.She says "I can't right now I'm so busy I don't have time to wipe my ass". He tells her "Yeah,that's what I want to talk to you about"



"If violent crime is to be curbed, it is only the intended victim who can do it. The felon does not fear the police, and he fears neither judge nor jury. Therefore what he must be taught to fear is his victim." - Jeff Cooper
Pericles--"Freedom is only for those who have the guts to defend it".

The problem with society today is that not enough of us drink wine from our enemies skulls”.

It takes 43 muscles to frown, 17 to smile, and 3 for proper trigger squeeze.

Gun control is like trying to reduce drunk driving by making it tougher for sober people to own cars!!!
-Sheriff Jim Wilson
"When tyranny becomes law rebellion becomes duty" Thomas Jefferson
Es gibt keine Notwendigkeit zu befürchten, Underdog hier ist.
Great nations rise and fall. The people go from bondage to spiritual truth, to great courage, from courage to liberty, from liberty to abundance, from abundance to selfishness, from selfishness to complacency, from complacency to apathy, from apathy to dependence, from dependence back again to bondage. Where are we now??????

Majer

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4774 on: February 19, 2015, 12:30:03 PM »
  Following is an extract from Hillary Clinton's autobiography, 'The Truth Will Always Prevail', to be released soon…

"Some years ago, nearing dinner time at the White House, our regular cook fell ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice. He wasn't the smartest looking guy, in fact he seemed a bit dirty. Bill voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice. Just before the meal, Bill noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was assured that many Chefs did that.

Dinner went okay, although Bill thought that the soup tasted a little funny. By the time dessert came, he started to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself. By now, he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened. As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.

As he was about to pass out, this naive girl bent over him and heard President Clinton whisper in a barely audible voice: 'Sack my cook'.

And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred."
"If violent crime is to be curbed, it is only the intended victim who can do it. The felon does not fear the police, and he fears neither judge nor jury. Therefore what he must be taught to fear is his victim." - Jeff Cooper
Pericles--"Freedom is only for those who have the guts to defend it".

The problem with society today is that not enough of us drink wine from our enemies skulls”.

It takes 43 muscles to frown, 17 to smile, and 3 for proper trigger squeeze.

Gun control is like trying to reduce drunk driving by making it tougher for sober people to own cars!!!
-Sheriff Jim Wilson
"When tyranny becomes law rebellion becomes duty" Thomas Jefferson
Es gibt keine Notwendigkeit zu befürchten, Underdog hier ist.
Great nations rise and fall. The people go from bondage to spiritual truth, to great courage, from courage to liberty, from liberty to abundance, from abundance to selfishness, from selfishness to complacency, from complacency to apathy, from apathy to dependence, from dependence back again to bondage. Where are we now??????

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4775 on: Today at 04:58:33 PM »

tombogan03884

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4775 on: February 19, 2015, 12:42:40 PM »
How does the music industry resemble the candy industry ?
The rappers are trash.
How does the Westminster Dog show resemble the Miss America pageant ?
Lots of bitches at both.
(Congrats to the Beagle !!!  ;D  )

Solus

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4776 on: February 20, 2015, 05:41:47 PM »
Finally, 
Good News From the White House
Concerning Pensions, Healthcare and Benefits (see below)
 
نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره   
ما نقش سايهدگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت
نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايهدگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ررفت ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشمخيره ماسايه
ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيرهماپيدا
نيست نقش

If I Hear Anything Else, I'll Let You Know
Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!"
—Patrick Henry

"Good intentions will always be pleaded for every assumption of authority. It is hardly too strong to say that the Constitution was made to guard the people against the dangers of good intentions. There are men in all ages who mean to govern well, but they mean to govern. They promise to be good masters, but they mean to be masters."
— Daniel Webster

MikeBjerum

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4777 on: February 20, 2015, 10:56:55 PM »
I was talking to my young niece last Monday, and I asked her if she knew what day it was.  She said "Yes I do, it is Presidents' Day."  I asked if she knew what Presidents' Day was all about.  She said "Yes I do."  She said "It is when the President goes outside the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have 12 more months of bull shit."
If I appear taller than other men it is because I am standing on the shoulders of others.

kmitch200

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4778 on: March 09, 2015, 11:56:04 AM »
 ;D
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles; but at least they drive slowly past schools.

tt11758

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4779 on: March 10, 2015, 07:06:12 PM »
I love waking up every morning knowing that Donald Trump is President!!

 

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