Author Topic: Classic joke thread...  (Read 1357205 times)

Majer

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4500 on: January 24, 2013, 06:25:12 PM »
A little girl goes to the barber with her father.When it's his turn to get his hair cut she stands next to him while eating a snack cake. The barber looks at her and says You're going to get hair on your twinkie,to which she replys "Yup, and I'm going to get boobs too"
"If violent crime is to be curbed, it is only the intended victim who can do it. The felon does not fear the police, and he fears neither judge nor jury. Therefore what he must be taught to fear is his victim." - Jeff Cooper
Pericles--"Freedom is only for those who have the guts to defend it".

The problem with society today is that not enough of us drink wine from our enemies skulls”.

It takes 43 muscles to frown, 17 to smile, and 3 for proper trigger squeeze.

Gun control is like trying to reduce drunk driving by making it tougher for sober people to own cars!!!
-Sheriff Jim Wilson
"When tyranny becomes law rebellion becomes duty" Thomas Jefferson
Es gibt keine Notwendigkeit zu befürchten, Underdog hier ist.
Great nations rise and fall. The people go from bondage to spiritual truth, to great courage, from courage to liberty, from liberty to abundance, from abundance to selfishness, from selfishness to complacency, from complacency to apathy, from apathy to dependence, from dependence back again to bondage. Where are we now??????

tt11758

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4501 on: January 24, 2013, 08:26:02 PM »
A tourist in Vienna goes through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827."

Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony, and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.

When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing."
I love waking up every morning knowing that Donald Trump is President!!

tombogan03884

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4502 on: January 26, 2013, 12:47:15 PM »

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Not worth it, soldier on!"

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My misses packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
 
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

DanPatWork

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4503 on: January 26, 2013, 04:25:43 PM »
Got this one off the email circuit........ "Natural born salesman"


Ole..... A born salesman

Ole, the smoothest-talking Swede in the Minnesota National Guard, got called up to active duty.

Ole's first assignment was in a military induction center. Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI life insurance, to which they were entitled.

The officer in charge soon noticed that Ole was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge.

The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Ole's sales pitch.

Ole stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If yoo haf da normal GI insurans an' yoo go to Afghanistan an' get yourself killed, da governmen' pays yer beneficiary $20,000. If yoo take out da supplemental insurans, vich cost yoo only t'irty dollars a mont, den da governmen' got to pay yer beneficiary $200,000!"

"Now," Ole concluded, "Vich bunch yoo tink dey gonna sen' to Afghanistan first?"
"The laws that forbid the carrying of arms are laws of such a nature. They disarm only those who are neither inclined nor determined to commit crimes.... Such laws make things worse for the assaulted and better for the assailants; they serve rather to encourage than to prevent homicides, for an unarmed man may be attacked with greater confidence than an armed man."
- Thomas Jefferson, Commonplace Book (quoting 18th century criminologist Cesare Beccaria), 1774-1776

tombogan03884

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4504 on: January 26, 2013, 10:29:05 PM »

Sponsor

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4505 on: Today at 07:27:05 AM »

TAB

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4505 on: January 30, 2013, 05:13:12 PM »




 ;D
I always break all the clay pigeons,  some times its even with lead.

tombogan03884

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crusader rabbit

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4507 on: January 31, 2013, 07:21:51 AM »
http://www.wdrb.com/story/20706503/post-foods-llc-announces-new-honey-bunches-of-oats-greek-honey-crunch-cereal

Nutrition up the ass ?


Uh, Tom?  How the hell do you eat your cereal?

Sheesh, dude, you ought to put it on YouTube!

Crusader
“I’ve lived the literal meaning of the ‘land of the free’ and ‘home of the brave.’ It’s not corny for me. I feel it in my heart. I feel it in my chest. Even at a ball game, when someone talks during the anthem or doesn’t take off his hat, it pisses me off. I’m not one to be quiet about it, either.”  Chris Kyle

PegLeg45

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4508 on: January 31, 2013, 05:13:12 PM »




 ;D

That is exactly the TRUTH right there.

"I expect perdition, I always have. I keep this building at my back, and several guns handy, in case perdition arrives in a form that's susceptible to bullets. I expect it will come in the disease form, though. I'm susceptible to diseases, and you can't shoot a damned disease." ~ Judge Roy Bean, Streets of Laredo

For the Patriots of this country, the Constitution is second only to the Bible for most. For those who love this country, but do not share my personal beliefs, it is their Bible. To them nothing comes before the Constitution of these United States of America. For this we are all labeled potential terrorists. ~ Dean Garrison

"When it comes to the enemy, just because they ain't pullin' a trigger, doesn't mean they ain't totin' ammo for those that are."~PegLeg

tombogan03884

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4509 on: January 31, 2013, 06:33:31 PM »
Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend
the rest of your day...

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.

By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses.

How should he express himself?


Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...

Scroll Down





He opens his mouth and says. 'I would like to buy a pair of Sunglasses'.

If you got this wrong -- please turn off your computer
and call it a day.

 

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