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Member Section => Down Range Cafe => Topic started by: TAB on January 12, 2008, 11:40:54 AM

Title: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on January 12, 2008, 11:40:54 AM
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette Convertible out of the
dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind
blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought,"What am I
doing? I'm too old for this!" and he pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his
watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can
give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused and said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a
Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"You have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on January 12, 2008, 12:19:26 PM
Conversation with Jesus . . .

Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a vodka and cranberry along with a quiet conversation with Jesus. This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day.

I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"


And he replied: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."

I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."

Jesus gazed in my direction and said: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".

I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it.
"Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"

Jesus replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to talk with you some more, Senor', but right now, I must finish cutting your lawn."



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 12, 2008, 09:56:28 PM
Gunslinger & the Old Prospector

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day.
 He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes,
a young cocky gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying,
"Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said,
"Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man' s feet.
The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.
 
When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his
gun and turned around and staggered back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and
pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The
gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd
watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both
barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, "Have you ever kissed a mule square on his ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed real hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."



The lessons from this story are:

1. Don't waste ammunition.

2. Don't mess with old guys.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 15, 2008, 04:53:47 PM
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him
"Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex.

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license,
I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.
He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said,
 "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like.
I said, "You don't understand... I have had Sex since I was nine
years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a
strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the
minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.
He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I
said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my
whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't
want to hear about my personal life and would not
marry us in his church. I told him everyone would
enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were
married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is
barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the
dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told
the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and
a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the
motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't
understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The
clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the
competition began, the dog ran away. Another
contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I
told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest.
He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You
don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on
TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to
fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I
had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I
was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking
all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I
was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I
said, "I'm looking for Sex." - My case comes up next
Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and
had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever
foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my
first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me,
"What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has
been my best friend all my life but now it has left me
for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely."

The doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand
that sex isn't a man's best friend.
So why don't you get yourself a dog."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 15, 2008, 05:08:11 PM
Had to put this one up here.. LOL

Dear Abby,


I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus.
My parents live in Fort Worth and one of my
sisters, who lives in Pflugerville, is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and
selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters,
who are prostitutes in Dallas .
I have two brothers, one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at  Huntsville
for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of
 sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who
lives in  Longview.  She is a part time "working girl".
All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancee and
look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be
totally open and honest with her. 
  Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Hillary Clinton for President?

Signed,

"Worried About My Reputation"


 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: m25operator on January 15, 2008, 09:55:29 PM
Marshall"ete,  We have got to party sometime, you've got it down. Great jokes and I do understand, the Texas joke. Makes me think twice about my good ones. Thanks....................
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dakotaranger on January 16, 2008, 12:37:47 AM
As seen here:  http://gunslingersjournal.blogspot.com/2008/01/faith.html         

Saw a billboard that said:

'Need help, call Jesus.'
1-800-005-3787

Out of curiosity I did. A Mexican showed up with a tow truck
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: m25operator on January 16, 2008, 05:20:09 PM
FUNNY BUT SUPPOSEDLY TRUE




This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.



FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?



GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.



FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible isn't it?



GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.



FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?



GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.



FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. >:(



GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? ;)



The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines! ;D



AMERICA , THE HOME OF THE FREE BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE!!

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on January 16, 2008, 10:04:15 PM
A father walks into a market with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit, is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat, and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles, and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first, and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father, and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her, saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied, "Divorce Attorney."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on January 16, 2008, 10:16:08 PM
A father and his young son were standing in line at the grocery store, and in front of them was a rather large nurse, or as we call them around here "a woman of substance."

Suddenly her pager started to beep.

The son jumped and screamed "Look out dad ... she's backin up!!!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on January 16, 2008, 10:22:59 PM
Two older gentlemen were sitting at the kitchen table having some coffee and talking about the old days when Sven complained about his failing memory.

Ole said he was having problems, but his doctor gave him some pills that really helped.

Sven asked what they were so he could ask his doctor for some.

With that there was some stammering and then Ole said "Oh ... that flower ... you know ... with a long stem ... thorns ... a single bud ... usually red ... Oh ... um ..."

Sven blurted out Rose !!!

Yea ... Yea ... Hey Rose ... what's the name of those pills I'm taking?
Title: Rooster Running for Office
Post by: Dakotaranger on January 16, 2008, 11:57:04 PM
As taken from 1911auto.org: http://1911auto.org/forum/showthread.php?p=11201&posted=1#post11201

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on January 17, 2008, 07:18:20 AM
Lena and Ole joke from ND . . .

Ole is laying bed, dying. Almost at death's door. His friend Sven comes by to look in on his friend. Ole greeted him, and as they were talking, Ole said he must be hallucinating since he smelled lefse cooking. Sven said "No Ole, Lena's downstairs cooking up a batch." Ole said "I'd love to meet St. Peter at the Gates with lefse in my mouth.

So, painfully, Ole gets out of bed, with Sven's help, and hobbles slowly down the stairs, one step at a time, pausing for Ole to catch his breath, and rest. After many long minutes, Sven helps Ole off the last step and into the kitchen. There, Ole's eyes were greeted with his wife Lena scurrying about, and the sight of lefse everywhere and the kitchen a heaven of its own scents of lefse cooking.

Ole slowly realizes what he is seeing, and slowly, painfully reaches out his hand to take a piece of lefse, as a smile of anticipation crawls across his face. At that, Lena whirls, whacks him on the wrist with a wooden spoon, and sternly tells him:

"No, those are for the funeral!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on January 17, 2008, 08:46:28 AM
There's an older couple, the woman diagnosed with a disease that is incurable. The doctor has told her to stay in bed as much as possible, and NO SEX, because the exertion could kill her. Her husband has taken to sleeping on the couch so as not to disturb her and not to be tempted.

After two weeks the husband decides he can't take it anymore, and in the middle of the night he decides to creep upstairs and catch the wife while she's sleeping. Halfway up the stairs he meets his wife coming down the stairs.

" What are you doing?", she asks. He says, "I was coming upstairs to kill you- what are YOU doing?" She says, " I was coming downstairs to die".
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 17, 2008, 09:15:14 AM
A Republican cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Hillary
Clinton is attending and trying gather more support for her nomination.
Once she discovers the cowboy is a Republican, she starts to belittle him by
talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As she was doing that, she kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing
around her head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them
"circle flies?"

She stopped talking and said, "Well yes, if that's what they're called. But
I've never heard of "circle flies."

"Well ma'am," the cowboy replies, "circle flies" hang around ranches.
They're called "circle flies" because they're almost always found circling
around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Hillary replies as she goes back to rambling. But, a moment later she
stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, ma'am," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for citizens of
New York to call their Senator a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," she responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool
them flies though."


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on January 17, 2008, 12:10:25 PM
Marshal'ette,  just passed your Texas joke on to a shooting buddy here in Ohio (he is originally from Texas) and also a political activist and he really enjoyed it!!!!!  I try to convert people to DRTV whenever possible.  There is a lot of neat stuff here that I have no idea how to include in e-mails and etc.  I'm not a computer nerd yet.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Grizzle_Bear on January 17, 2008, 12:29:00 PM
Old Sven, who was a fighter pilot in WWII, was giving a talk about his experiences at the Ladies Club.

"So dere I vas, at tree tousand feet, an' dis fokker, he vas right on my tail..." 

At this point, the Chair Lady of the Club interrupted and said, "I should probably inform all the ladies that a "fokker" was a type of German airplane." 

Old Sven replied, "Ya sure, dat's right, but dis fokker, he vas flyin' a Messerschmidt!"

Grizzle Bear

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Walter45Auto on January 17, 2008, 01:31:38 PM
Three Rednecks were working on a cell phone tower - Cooter, Pete and
K. C. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is
killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, 'Well, someone
should go and tell his wife.' KC says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that
sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Pete says, 'Where did you get that beer, KC?'

'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' KC replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave you beer?'

'Well, not exactly', KC says. 'When she answered the door, I said to
her, 'You must be Cooter's widow'.'

She said, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.'... And then I said
'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tumblebug on January 17, 2008, 05:48:56 PM
Girlfrend looks up at the bedroom ceiling and says your done already? Hooker looks up and says arent you done yet wife looks up and says I think we need to paint. LIFE GOTTO LOVE IT.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dakotaranger on January 17, 2008, 11:59:09 PM
Lena and Ole joke from ND . . .

Ole is laying bed, dying. Almost at death's door. His friend Sven comes by to look in on his friend. Ole greeted him, and as they were talking, Ole said he must be hallucinating since he smelled lefse cooking. Sven said "No Ole, Lena's downstairs cooking up a batch." Ole said "I'd love to meet St. Peter at the Gates with lefse in my mouth.

So, painfully, Ole gets out of bed, with Sven's help, and hobbles slowly down the stairs, one step at a time, pausing for Ole to catch his breath, and rest. After many long minutes, Sven helps Ole off the last step and into the kitchen. There, Ole's eyes were greeted with his wife Lena scurrying about, and the sight of lefse everywhere and the kitchen a heaven of its own scents of lefse cooking.

Ole slowly realizes what he is seeing, and slowly, painfully reaches out his hand to take a piece of lefse, as a smile of anticipation crawls across his face. At that, Lena whirls, whacks him on the wrist with a wooden spoon, and sternly tells him:

"No, those are for the funeral!"
I think I was at that funeral. 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 18, 2008, 01:40:06 AM
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."


A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."


 
One more. ..!  ;)
 
  A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool..
 After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"Nope," he replied, "Arthritis."



Ok.. I'm done  ;D ;D

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on January 18, 2008, 04:06:21 AM
Marshal'ette, I wonder where you hang out at Ma'am.
   Hillary is traveling down acountry road when an old cow walks out in front of her limo. Her Driver locks up the brakes ,swerves, really tries to miss the cow cuz he figures he'll catch he77 from her majesty if he disturbs her. It's no good though, he nails that cow square and kills it. Her excellancy just growls, "Here ,give the farmer $500 and lets get going", so the Driver walks toward the house and disappears.
   About 2 hours later The Driver comes staggering back, He's got a big old Havana cigar in one hand , a magnum of GOOD champiagn in the other, his clothes are all adrift and his grinning face is covered with lipstick smears.
  Hilly is kind of stunned, She demands, "WHAT happened to YOU and WHERE did all this STUFF come from ?"
 The Driver says, I got the Cigar from the Farmer, This champaign came from his wife and his 2 daughters gave me the wildest sex I've EVER had,
 Hilly is shocked , For $500? she asked. Well says the Driver, I went to the door and when they opened it I said I'm Hillory Clintons Driver and I just killed the old cow,  all this stuff happened before I could mention the money.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on January 18, 2008, 04:19:02 AM
Bill and Ted were a couple of old fellows who REALLY loved baseball, They'd meet every tuesday at the park and spend ALL afternoon talking baseball. Often they would end up discussing wether there was baseball in heaven. In the course of one of these talks they made a deal, who ever died first would look things over and come back to let the other know if there was or was not baseball in heaven. These meetings went on for years . Then one tuesday Bill didn't showup, The next tuesday Ted checked the park, No Bill. The 3rd Tuesday Ted checked and THERE sat Bill, looking a little younger and some what more spry than usual. Ted walked over to his Freind saying Bill, I know you'r dead cuz your looking to much better, So give me the news ! Bill says I've got some good news and bad news , The good news is YES Ted there is baseball in heaven, The bad news is you're pitching Thursday.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: leatherman92 on January 18, 2008, 07:59:27 AM
there all Very funny ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on January 18, 2008, 08:10:05 AM
Ole has been sick for days and is slowly getting worse.  He finally reaches the point that he can't get out of bed on his own any more, and he agrees to let Lena call the doctor.

The doctor comes over and examines Ole then leaves the room and visits with Lena for a while.

Upon returning to the room he explains to Ole that there is nothing he can do, and it is only a matter of time.

Ole begs and pleads for anything to help.  He assures the doctor that he will try anything no matter how experimental or extreme.

After listening to Ole for quite some time the doctor says "Well there is one thing ..."

Ole says "Anything ... I'll try anything!"

"Mud baths ... take three mud baths a day."

Ole's eyes brighten and he says he'll do it.  "Will they really help?"

Doctor looks at him and says "Don't know ... but it will help you get used to the dirt."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 18, 2008, 11:12:21 AM
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

        "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

        Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences."

        The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.
Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

        "But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace, " I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."

        "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajama's?.

"Well," he replied, "today is the viewing."
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/112.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on January 18, 2008, 11:30:16 AM
Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama and John
Edwards  were flying to a convention.

Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a
$1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100
bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills
out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his
co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them out of the
window and make 156 million people very happy."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 18, 2008, 03:53:32 PM
A woman, standing nude, looks at herself in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,
 "I look horrible.  I feel fat and ugly. I need you to give me a compliment".
The husband looks at her a long time and says, "Well, your eyesight's damn near perfect".

He can't remember what happened after that...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on January 18, 2008, 06:08:53 PM
She shouldn't have asked!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on January 19, 2008, 08:56:51 AM
A woman, standing nude, looks at herself in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,
 "I look horrible.  I feel fat and ugly. I need you to give me a compliment".
The husband looks at her a long time and says, "Well, your eyesight's damn near perfect".

He can't remember what happened after that...

Sounds like something I would say.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 19, 2008, 01:46:21 PM
This guy was lonely and he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an
unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, (100-legged bug,) which
came in a little white box that the centipede would use for his house.
 He took the box back home, found a good location for the
box, and  decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a
drink.

He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"
 But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,
 "How about going down to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation He decided to ask
him one more time; this time putting his face up close against the centipede's
house and started shouting, "HEY, IN THERE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO FRANK'S
PLACE AND HAVE A DRINK WITH ME?!"


***** A
little voice came out of the box -



"I heard you the first time!!!
I'm putting on my f.....ing shoes!"

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Walter45Auto on January 19, 2008, 08:00:08 PM
Why did the hippie cross the road?????


Who Else would follow the chicken???
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on January 20, 2008, 06:28:46 AM
Why did the chicken cross the road in Texas?





To prove to the armadillos  it could be done.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on January 20, 2008, 08:54:40 AM
Why did the chicken cross the road in Texas?





To prove to the armadillos  it could be done.
Opossum on the half-shell?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on January 20, 2008, 05:06:24 PM
 Have you ever heard that a dog 'knows' when
  an earthquake is about to hit?
                                   

Have you ever heard that a dog can 'sense'

when a tornado is stirring up, even

twenty miles away?

Do you remember hearing that,

before the December tsunami struck

Southeast Asia ,

dogs started running frantically

away from the seashore, at breakneck speed?

Do you know that dogs can detect cancer

and other serious illnesses

and danger of fire?

Somehow they always know when they can

'go for a ride' before you even ask and

how do those dogs and cats get home

from hundreds of miles away?

I'm a firm believer that animals - and

especially dogs - have keen insights

into the Truth.

And you can't tell me that dogs

can't sense a potentially terrible

disaster well in advance.

Simply said, a good ol' hound dog just

KNOWS when something isn't right..

when impending doom is upon us..

 





--

 (http://i125.photobucket.com/albums/p78/hazcater/Fun%20Stuff/dog.jpg)







--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 21, 2008, 12:45:15 PM
Uncle Jay Explains~

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on January 21, 2008, 02:25:22 PM
Marshal'ette, I don't know where you find them but keep it up!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Walter45Auto on January 21, 2008, 05:12:25 PM
Why did the chicken cross the road in Texas?

To prove to the armadillos  it could be done.

LMAO!!! I LOVE IT!!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 21, 2008, 09:35:11 PM
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.


Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam.   "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted..  "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.  It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region..

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.  Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience.  I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.   
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?"  They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on January 21, 2008, 10:43:31 PM
Three women go to the psychiatrist with there children.
The psychiatrist walks in and says "I can tell what your addictions are by the names of your children."
He turns to the first lady and says, "Your addicted to chocolate, thats why you named your child Candy."
Then he looks at the second lady and says, "You are an alcoholic, thats why you named your child Brandi."
At that point the third lady stands and grabs her boy by the hand and says, "Come on Dick were leaving, this guys a quack."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: BCurry1 on January 21, 2008, 11:54:49 PM
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?


(A buccaneer) ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 22, 2008, 10:26:29 AM
Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer
and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Grizzle_Bear on January 22, 2008, 10:38:43 AM
QUESTION:  Why do men fart more than women?

ANSWER: Because women don't keep their mouth's closed long enough to build up any pressure!



Grizzle Bear

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 22, 2008, 11:42:07 AM
Electile Dysfunction :
 The inability to become aroused over any of the choices for president put forth by either party in the 2008 election year.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: DesertRat66 on January 22, 2008, 12:55:48 PM
G. W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the after shave.

Clinton was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a Brothel."

The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?" Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a Brothel smells like."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on January 22, 2008, 06:26:16 PM
This sign in a business window:




We would rather serve 1000 Al Qaeda than 1 American solder !!















It was in a funeral home window ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on January 22, 2008, 07:29:42 PM
(http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e330/m58/17049eb.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 22, 2008, 10:27:26 PM

GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING

DO NOT SWALLOW CHEWING-GUM!!


(http://www.downrange.tv/images/chewinggum.jpg)


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: scw78 on January 23, 2008, 12:47:51 AM
After 20 years as a gynecologist, the doctor decides to retire because he's bored wants to try something new.
He's always liked hot rods so he decides to go to school to become an auto mechanic.

When the time comes for his final exam, he completes the task and asks, "How did I do?"
The instructor says, "Fantastic, you scored 150%! 
The retired doctor replies, "150%, how did I do that?"

The instructor tells him:
 " I gave you 50% because you disassembled the engine perfectly"
"Then, I gave you 50% because you put it all back together exactly right, the engine ran, and you had no parts left over"
"And finally, I gave you an additional 50% because you did it all through the muffler!"  :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on January 23, 2008, 04:20:24 AM
scw78  great joke LMAO
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 23, 2008, 04:11:52 PM
After a weekend trip home to Arkansas, Bill Clinton stepped from the helicopter and onto the White House lawn. He was carrying two Arkansas-bred hawgs, one under each arm.

At the bottom of the steps, a young Marine snapped to attention, saluted sharply and said, "Fine looking pigs, sir!"

Clinton turned and glared at the boy. "Son, don't You know I'm from Arkansas? These ain't pigs. They're hawgs."

The Marine shot back, "Marine begs the Commander-In-Chief's pardon, sir! Fine looking hawgs, sir!"

Clinton smiled with pride and the young man relaxed.

The President went on, "Thank you, son. You see this one here?" He lifted up the pig under his right arm. "I got this one for Chelsea." Then he nodded to the hawg on his left. "And this one here, I got for Hillary."

At that the Marine snapped back to attention and said, "Outstanding trade, sir!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: someguy on January 23, 2008, 07:12:21 PM
I'm really enjoying reading these jokes, but all the ones I can think of to post, well, probably shouldn't be posted here...   ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 23, 2008, 10:22:46 PM
On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 24, 2008, 10:24:37 AM
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he
decided to take a leak....

He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of
wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is
that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin,
there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all
of the shot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive birdshot
(3-1/2" T shot) damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refe r
you to my brother."

"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your
brother a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local
symphony and he's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you
don't piss in your eye."

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 24, 2008, 03:00:11 PM
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/forum/image13.gif)

Ohhhh I needed that today...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 25, 2008, 01:10:27 AM
Hillary Clinton went to a primary school in New York City to talk about the world. After her talk, she had a "question and answer" period. One little boy raised his hand & the Senator asked him for his name. "Kenneth." And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have 3 questions:
1st - Whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
2nd - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
3rd - Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rang for recess. Mrs. Clinton informed the children they would continue after recess. When they resumed Hillary said, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy put up his hand. Hillary pointed to him and asked him for his name.

"Larry."
And what is your question, Larry?"

" I have 5 questions:
1st - Whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
2nd - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
3rd - Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?
4th - Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
5th - What happened to Kenneth?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on January 25, 2008, 01:49:02 AM
Marshal'ette You just made my day:D Actually several of them since this thread started.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on January 25, 2008, 05:16:24 AM
So Sorry Marshal'ette!!!!!!  My post on New Member Intro came out wrong...I enjoy your jokes sooooooo much I want you to post more and more and more.  I don't know where you get them.  Again, a thousand pardons. Pretty please with sugar on it.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 25, 2008, 11:01:37 AM
One thing about me, ellis.. I very rarely take anything right on the chin.. and my sense of humor ( most times "warped of course) runs a deep and wide path..
You did not offend me in any way and I didn't take your post as anything but "giving me a little sh**"  Of which I can take .. because I dish it out so often..  ;D
  ((But I LOOOOVE to hear a man beg  ~~soooo feel free to continue on with the 'please please with sugar on it'  stuff.
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/wink.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 25, 2008, 11:32:39 AM
Ain't it so!, but them there South Carolina folks got it right!


The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated with high honors from the University of Tennessee,  and I need some help.
If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."


A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.
 That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an 10-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter, out of breath, replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"


A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75. The trooper asked, "Got any I. D. ?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?
"

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait.
 A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back.
He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "Ok...But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When ya break down they tell ya to put flares in the front and flares in the back.
 Hey, it don't make sense to me neither."


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 25, 2008, 11:55:09 AM
I have to post this one and then I'm hooked up to do real work for the next 6 hours.. ((Booooo Hiiisssss)

The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while
visiting a primary school class, found themselves in
the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings.

The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead
the discussion of the word 'tragedy'. So the
illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an
example of a 'tragedy'.


One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best
friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field
and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead,
that would be a tragedy.'

No,' says the Great Jesse Jackson, 'that would be an
accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus
carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing
everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'

I'm afraid not,' explains the exalted Reverend Al.
'That's what we would call a great loss. ' The room
goes silent. No other children volunteered.


Reverend Al searches the room. 'Isn't there someone
here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises
his hand. In a stern voice he says: 'If a plane
carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were
struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that
would be a tragedy.'

Fantastic!' exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, 'That's
right. And can you tell me why that would be a
tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny, 'because it sure as hell
wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be
an accident either.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: scw78 on January 25, 2008, 06:15:30 PM
Laughing out loud in front of my desk at work! I need a good excuse quick, before I get in trouble  :-[
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 25, 2008, 08:33:55 PM
Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips,
President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair and beard, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.

President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?"

The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead.

The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.

The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the president. The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you? The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.

 "Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!" Again the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.

 The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"

He man leaned over and whispered back, "Shhhh! Yes, I am Moses. The last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East with no oil."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 25, 2008, 08:41:03 PM
Investment tips for 2008~ For all of you with any money left, be aware of
the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and
make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2008.

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace
Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) PolyGram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and
become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will me rge
and become:

ZipAudiDoDa.

5 . FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers wi ll become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!

And finally

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:
Titty Titty Bang Bang
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 25, 2008, 11:56:38 PM
What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?

Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears,
but every once in awhile, you get lucky
and get some ass that will bring tears to your eyes.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: someguy on January 26, 2008, 12:13:05 AM
Ricky and Bobby, two rednecks/Auburn graduates, get up early to meet the dawn for the first day of deer season.  They've been friends forever, and haven't missed an opening day since they were old enough to shoot.

Every year, one of them would pick a stand, and the other would get the dogs and 'drive' the deer towards the other.  Last year Ricky got the stand, and a nice 12-point, so this year it was Bobby's turn.  Ricky dropped Bobby off at the stand, helped unload the gear, guessed he'd be back nearby with the dogs in around an hour, and left.

Bobby sits in the stand, dreaming of that huge buck he swears he's seen lately, and sips his coffee as first light breaks.  Soon enough, he hears leaves rustling.  As quietly and with as much economy of motion as possible, he glances around until - there, just through those trees...  That's it.  Scope covers off, bolt slides home, slight windage adjustment...  Just a bit more pressure...  BOOOM. 

It drops like a brick. 

Even though he's lost track of how many times he's done this before, he's so excited that he nearly falls as he climbs down the tree.  Finally, he's down.  The treeline where it must have fallen couldn't be more than 200 yards, and he's there in no time.  He looks around, but - no deer.  Out of the corner of his eye, he sees something move a bit, and - OH GOD, he thinks - it's Ricky!

What have I done?!?  Where are the dogs?!?  WTF?!?  C'mon, man; forget all that...  GET HELP NOW!  Fortunately, his cell has good coverage, and they're really not all that far outside of town, so the ambulance gets there pretty quick, although it seems like an eternity to Bobby.

'Sir, we need you to step back and let us work,' the first medic says as he and another kneel down and get to work.  The third, a driver, pulls Bobby aside to get more info on just how this happened.  Bobby hardly even hears himself answer, as he's lost in concern, and thinking of what's happened...

A few short minutes later, the first medic slowly walks back to Bobby.  'I'm sorry, sir.  He's gone.  There wasn't a thing in the world we could do.'

Bobby is devastated.  After a moment, he gathers himself enough to ask, 'Look, I know it doesn't really matter now, but...  Is there anything I could've done that would've made a difference?'

The medic thinks for a moment, trying to be sensitive to the situation, and finally replies...







'Well, it might've helped a bit if you hadn't field-dressed him.'

*rimshot*   ;D

Thanks; I'm here all weekend...  Don't forget to tip your servers...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 26, 2008, 10:53:55 AM
Here is more on the Moses line. I got this one from a friend who was in the Army with me as a reply to the earlier joke:

When I was stationed in Lebanon, an Israeli woman who had been an Israeli agent during the period leading up to the War of Independence explained that this story was factually incorrect. The REAL story (according to her) was that Moses got as close as possible to the Promised Land, before he was told that he could only look at it from atop the mountain. Joshua, he was advised, would actually lead the tribes into Canaan.

Having been relieved of his command, Moses finally felt able to hold a press conference. "Why," asked Helen Thomas, "do you suppose God had you lead the people to Canaan, the 'Promised Land,' knowing that, in all the Middle East, it was the only place with no appreciable reserves of oil?"

Moses thought about the question, and finally announced, "God has a speech impediment: He was trying to say 'Canada.'"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ugly on January 26, 2008, 12:19:53 PM
Marshal'ette Halloway, this one's for you.

A five -year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"

-

-

-

-

-

-

"Not yet." replied his mother.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on January 26, 2008, 01:35:53 PM
Three guys are out golfing ...

On the first tee Moses hits the ball toward a pond.  He quickly raises his hand in the air, and the water parts.  The ball safely rolls through the pond and back onto the fairway.

On the fourth tee Jesus hits the ball, and it lands on a lily pad in the middle of a water hazard.  He calmly takes a wedge, walks across the surface and pitches the ball on the green.

On the par five ninth the old duffer shanks the ball.  It hits a rock, bouncing up to a tree limb, falls on the cart shed roof, rolls into the gutter and out the down spout.  As the ball rolls across the grass (out of bounds) a frog snatches it up and hops back to number one, where it hops out onto a lily pad.  An alligator springs up and eats the frog, but not before the frog spits the ball out.  A bass leaps from the water and grabs the ball in mid air, where an eagle swoops down and grabs the bass from the pond.  As the eagle flies away, the bass spits the ball out, it bounces twice and into the cup on number nine for a perfect ace.

Moses turns to Jesus and says "I hate golfing with your Dad!"
Title: AA.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
Post by: Chick Brewster on January 26, 2008, 03:41:22 PM
AA.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide
it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I
brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can
under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage
first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out
the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check
left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to
my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to
keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've
been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water
the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water
and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the
remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide
to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the
flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the
floor.

I set the remote back on the table, get some towels to wipe up the
spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

- The car isn't washed
- The bills aren't paid
- There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
- The flowers don't have enough water,
- There is still only 1 check in my check book,
- I can't find the remote,
- I can't find my glasses,
- And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for
it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on January 26, 2008, 05:13:43 PM
One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back.
He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her stomach and then to the other side to a point below her waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side then the other.
His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
His gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped, and then returned to do the same thing to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.
The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
"Why are you stopping"?, she whispered.
He whispered back, "I found the remote."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dakotaranger on January 26, 2008, 11:12:45 PM
Small Town Tourist Attractions:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKO_yaLL7n0

This is from a Canadian show about a Saskatchawan small town.  If you've ever been in a small town city or churchboard meeting you'll die laughing
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 27, 2008, 02:30:59 AM
A filthy rich Florida man, named Mel, decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

 He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

 At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in."

  The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
 Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

 Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

 "No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.

 The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"

  "No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.

 The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

  Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool !
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dakotaranger on January 27, 2008, 04:14:57 AM

That's a you KNOW your a Redneck when story.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: SlickRob on January 27, 2008, 07:05:29 AM
With the current political climate you can understand I have been pretty depressed.

Last night, during a bleak moment, I called the suicide hotline.

I was transferred to an out-sourced call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal...

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.......... :-\
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 27, 2008, 09:54:38 AM
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.

 "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm
a little upset because my daughter has red hair!
 She can't possibly be mine."

 "Nonsense," the doctor said.
"Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your
ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
 
"It just isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be! Our families on
both sides have had jet-black hair for generations."
 
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have
sex?"

The man seemed a bit ashamed.
 "I've been working very hard for the past year. We've only had sex once
or twice every few months."
 
"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on January 27, 2008, 11:23:11 AM
Marshal'ette, you've missed your calling...You need to write for Leno or MB or somebody.  Fantastic jokes.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 27, 2008, 04:57:47 PM
Bob was excited about his new 338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.The black bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake. That bear was my cousin.  I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.' After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative.So the black bear had his way with Bob.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.The grizzly said, 'That was a big mistake, Bob. That bear was my cousin and you've got two choices : Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex.'  Again, Bob thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob.

Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered.Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder.

He turned around to find giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, 'Admit it Bob, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 27, 2008, 08:34:02 PM
A bear walks into a bar  in Billings, Montana. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We  don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."   

The  bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a  beer.

The  bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve  beer to belligerent bears in bars in  Billings."

The  bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm  going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."   

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to  belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The  bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the  woman.
He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.   

The  bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.."   

The  bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

The  bartender says, "You are now.
That was a  barbitchyouate."


(( I know... booo hisss. but I couldn't resist it)))  :P
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 28, 2008, 11:46:34 AM
*Did you know that eagles mate for life? Well one day Harry the
eagle** waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years.

After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her.
She had been  shot. Dead!*

Harry was devastated. After mourning he
decided that he must get himself another mate but since
there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to
cross the feather barrier.


So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely
dove and brought her back to the nest.
The sex was Okay, but all the dove would say is
"I am a DOVE, I want to love! I  am a DOVE, I want to love!"
Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the
nest and flew off once more to find a mate.

He found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest.
Again the sex was great but all the loon would say is, "I am a
LOON, I  want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!"

So out with the  loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time
he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck
back to the nest. Again the sex was great,but
all the duck would say was.....well, you know......


*No, the duck didn't say THAT!!!!! That's an awful thing to think !!!


The duck said, "I am a DRAKE you made a MISTAKE


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: eyegore42 on January 28, 2008, 04:12:22 PM
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers. "Hello."
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking"
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for gonorhea. We can't tell which your husband is."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" asked Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 29, 2008, 12:22:53 AM
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/129.gif)
I love it!   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 29, 2008, 12:52:13 AM

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his hoohoo.

According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his hoohoo while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your hoohoo.
3) Or finding out your hoohoo fits through your wedding ring.


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 29, 2008, 11:01:07 AM
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a
truck and dies.
 
  His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
 
  "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems  there
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,  you see, so
we're not sure what to do with you."
 
  "No problem, just let me in," says the man.
 
  "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do  is
have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you  can choose where
to spend eternity."
 
  "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
 
  "I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
 
  And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes  down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself  in the middle of a
green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse  and standing in front of
it are all his friends and other politicians  who had worked with him.
 
  Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,  shake
his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while  getting rich at
the expense of the people.
 
  They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar  and
champagne.
 
  Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who  has a
good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a  good time that
before he realizes it, it is time to go.
 
  Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator  rises...
  The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter
is waiting for him.
 
  "Now it's time to visit heaven."
 
  So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving
from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time
and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
 
  "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity."
 
  The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would
be better off in hell."
 
  So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,  down to
hell.
 Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage.
 
  He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and  putting
it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
 
  The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

  "I..I.. I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here  and
there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and  caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now  there's just a wasteland
full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
  What happened?"
 
  The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
campaigning...... Today you voted."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 29, 2008, 11:15:46 PM

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.

Written in large black letters was the sentence:  "Get well soon....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Spodeboy on January 30, 2008, 12:08:36 AM
Q:  What's the difference between a Harley-Davidson motorcycle and a vacuum?

A:  The location of the dirtbag.

A note to all you Harley riders: please don't hunt me down.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 30, 2008, 09:40:07 AM
               The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum,  a visitor asked the
Director, 'How do you determine whether or not a  patient should
be institutionalized.'

' Well,' said  the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer
a teaspoon, a teacup  and a bucket to the patient and ask him or
her to empty the  bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A
normal  person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the
spoon or the  teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person  would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?'

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO  MINE?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 30, 2008, 12:35:43 PM

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.



 

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

 

 
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

 

 
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery
where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked
vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go
by and nobody sees the old abbot.

 

 
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R !
We missed the R !
  We missed the R !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying
uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,
"The word was...

 

 
CELEBRATE!!!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: DesertRat66 on January 31, 2008, 02:41:30 PM
One evening, Mike went over to his friend, Terry's, house to play cards with some friends. Mike sat directly across from Terry's stunningly beautiful young wife.

Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across under the table, he saw that Terry's wife had her legs wide open ....and no panties on! He sat up and was both highly surprised and flushed ...so went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise, Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said, 'So, Mike, did you like what you saw?' Mike said, "Yes, I sure did!"'

Terry's beautiful wife said in a sultry demuring purr, "...Well, you can get a lot more than just a look, but it will cost you $500." Mike thought about his financial situation and said, "Sure....okay!" She said, "Come on over here tomorrow at 2:30, because Terry will be at work, and you'll get your moneys worth."

Excitedly, Mike said, "...I'll see you then!!"

The next day Mike went over with the $500, they had wild sex all afternoon, he paid her, and then he left.

Later, Terry came home and asked, "Has Mike been over here today?"

Thinking she had been caught, she said "....As a matter of fact, he did."

Terry said, "...Good, because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 until Noon, and he said he would come over and leave it with you."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on January 31, 2008, 10:10:49 PM
A redneck (WV) was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice
chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove that's well-known for its
fishing
The game warden asked the man...
"Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"No, sir," replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there
licenses, these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"
"Yeah, every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let
'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back
into these here ice chests and I take 'em back home."

"That's a bunch of crap! Fish can't do that."

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's
the truth, Mr.Government Man, I'll show ya. It really works."
"OK," said the warden. "I've got to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After
several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"
"Well, what?," says the redneck.
The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the warden.
"What fish?" replied the redneck.

Moral of this story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers,
but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Crescendo on February 02, 2008, 02:18:52 PM
One from a retiree -

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make
their days interesting.

Well for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went
into a shop.

We were only in there for about 5 minutes.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a Nazi turd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So my wife called him a s---head.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with thefirst.

Then he started writing a third ticket...

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on February 02, 2008, 03:57:30 PM
Hillary Clinton, the lead Presidential Democratic Party candidate is for banning all guns in America. She is considered by  those who  have dealt with her as a little more than just a little  self-righteous.

At a recent rural elementary school  meeting in north Florida she asked the kids  audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, she started to slowly clap  her hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence,  she said into the microphone, 'Every time I clap my hands, a child in  America dies from gun violence.' 

A young voice with a proud southern  accent (probably little Johnny) from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet!  'Well, stop clapping, ya stupid bitch! 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: idpasteve on February 03, 2008, 10:30:28 PM
ok, I'll play....

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on February 03, 2008, 11:51:24 PM
----- Subject:  The Front or Back of A Tree?

For those who are not from Michigan or Wisconsin a Yooper is one who lives in Michigans upper pennisula.
 

A YOOPER DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS CANADA TO SEE THE PACIFIC OCEAN WHEN HE GETS TO NANAIMO , HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY.

 

BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!!!!

 

HE WALKS INTO THE MACMILLIAN-BLOEDEL OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOGGER.  IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!!  THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE.

 

BUT FIRST, THE BUSH FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE BUSH IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.

 

THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE. "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE?  I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS. THE YOOPER PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "DATS DERE'S A SITKA SPRUCE, EH?  AND SHE GOT 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER."

 

THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!!! HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD.  HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION.

 

THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.

 

"VOY KAUHEA!!  DAT'S YER DOUGLAS FIR AND SHE GOT 690 BOARD FEET." SAYS THE YOOPER.

 

NOW THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED. THE YOOPER HAS ANSWERED QUICKLY AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!!!!   ONE MORE TEST.

 

THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"

 

BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE YOOPER SAYS,  "A YELLER CEDAR,
242 BOARD FEET AT MOS'."

 

THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE PISSED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE YOOPER IS SMARTER THAN HE.

 

AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS THE YOOPER TO STEP OUTSIDE.  HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, "SEE THAT  TREE OVER THERE?

 

I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!!

 

THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT!!  HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE FRONT OF THE TREE?

 

WHEN THE YOOPER REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING AT THE GROUND.  HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK.

 

HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. "DAT'S DA FRONT A' DAT TREE FER SURE." THE YOOPER STATES.

 

THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

 

THE YOOPER LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES,

 

"CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A SHIT BEHIND IT, EH?"

 

HE GOT THE JOB AND IS NOW THE FOREMAN!!!!!

 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on February 09, 2008, 11:37:16 AM

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early
 
retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for
retirement a
bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any
two
points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points
would be.
 
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top
of his
head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out
with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured
from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with
$96,000.
 
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who,
when
asked where he would like to be measured replied,  "From the tip of my
weenie to
my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to recon sider,
explaining
about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.
 
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him
providing the measurement was taken by a
medical officer.
 
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em,"
which he
did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the
Chief's
weenie and began to work back.
 
"Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicl es?"
 
The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 09, 2008, 01:23:11 PM
                             Hillery's first night as president:
Hillary Clinton is elected president, boots out Bill and goes to bed for her first night in the white house,
Suddenly, the ghost of George Washington appears, How can I best serve my country? Hilly asks,  Never tell a lie. George tells her.  Oh, I don't know about that, she says.
On the second night the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears, How can I best serve my country ? Hillery asks. Listen to the people, Jefferson answers. Wow, I don't think I can do that she demurs.
On the third night the ghost of Abraham Lincoln appears, How can I best serve my country? Hillery asks.
Lincoln answers, "Go to the theater."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 11, 2008, 09:25:17 PM
Quick Check for Alzheimer's

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University .
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

 The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.



Read on:



Now go back.... and read the third word in each line from the top down.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 12, 2008, 02:50:26 AM
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.  The doctor
Comes in and says,

"Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.  Now, you probably won't
Remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway.  You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...something happened.  I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance
Compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact!  But
The thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this.

"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want.
But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had
A five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine-incher, she might be
A bit put out.  But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to
Invest in a five-incher this time, she might be disappointed.  So it's
Important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.

"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you in making the decision?"

"She has," says the man.

"And what is it?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting a new kitchen. :'(


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 12, 2008, 03:05:00 AM
Been gone awhile.. so I have to start to catch up..
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/183.gif)

   While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man
      came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against
      the  tree.

       Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are
      you doing?'
     
     'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.
     
     'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'
     
     'No, would you like to give it a try?'
 
      Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...'
 So he wrapped  his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With
this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet,
     jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
 
     Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy
      handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened
     to you?'

 He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
 
     When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head
     in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear
     and said:
'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...'


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 12, 2008, 08:58:53 PM
Chelsea Clinton recently discussed current events with a U.S. soldier.
 
She asked if, as an American fighting man, anything scared him .   
 
He told her there were only three things he feared:

1) Osama

2) Obama

AND
 
3) Yo Mama 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 12, 2008, 09:08:29 PM
From a show on Canadian TV, there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!  He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.
Number 1 - He played the sax.
Number 2 - He smoked weed.
Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.
 
Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he doesn't!  And, he gets a check from the government every month.
 
Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup" in honor of one of the nations most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton.
The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied,
"I don't know, I never had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth
as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I
think you need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as "the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes."




((Sorry~~  :-\ ~~I TOLD you guys I needed to catch up))   ;D
M'ette
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: SlickRob on February 12, 2008, 11:01:07 PM
After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time.

Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in love.

Hillary said, "You didn't have sex, did you?"

Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad."

 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 13, 2008, 12:37:50 AM
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin .

 She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her, but down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed "Give tha' ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked
"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same drunk slapped his money down on the bar and slurring said, "Give tha' ballerina a 'nother drink!"

 The bartender approached the drunk and said "Tell me, Murphy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has jus' got to be a ballerina!"

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on February 13, 2008, 06:33:34 AM
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has jus' got to be a ballerina!"

M'ette, I think I speak for all of us when I say "Welcome Back!"

We missed you, darlin'.

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on February 13, 2008, 01:30:45 PM
Three men where standing next to there long time friends casket, he was a well respected man around town.
The first one said, "I hope everyone one remembers all my contributions to the community when I'm laying there."
The second one Say's, "I hope everyone remember all my years of service to the country when I'm laying there."
The third one Say's, "I hope they see my hand move and get me out of that box!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 13, 2008, 06:04:42 PM
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says
he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
 
His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
 
"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."
 
 So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's
looking for a male or female horse.
 
"A female horth."
 
So he shows him a prized filly.
 
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
 
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the
horse's eyes the once over.
 
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
 
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him
the horse's ears.
 
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
 
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this
point, but he picks  him up again and shows him the
horse's mouth.
 
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
 
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs
him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far
as he can up the horse's rear end..... pulls him out and
slams him on the ground.
 
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I thould rephrase that.
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: someguy on February 13, 2008, 10:46:17 PM
 ;D

Okay, well; after that last one...

How do you get a nun pregnant?













...You f*&! her.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 13, 2008, 10:48:33 PM
A heart surgeons funeral:
One of the cities top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge replica heart made of red roses.
When the Pastor finished the sermon and everyone said their good byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.
Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.
Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, Why are you laughing mister ?
I was just thinking of my own funeral the man replied,
I'm a Gynecologist.
Title: Remember, these people vote
Post by: jerry on February 14, 2008, 07:45:27 PM
I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid lady...why else would I buy dog food??
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on February 15, 2008, 01:07:13 PM

 
Need a good laugh for my Irish friends and friends with Irish friends????????Here it is!!!!!!!!!

An Irishman goes to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I had relations with Nookie Green twice last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon after, another Irishman enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had relations with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."


At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon,

A tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous redhead woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and very short , with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes.............................."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 15, 2008, 07:16:31 PM
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/129.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Marshal Halloway on February 16, 2008, 01:00:36 AM
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.  Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the hell  is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
 

**Notice I didn't put Marshal'ette and Marshal in the "husband and wife slot?"**
(((((But I could have.))))
   ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dakotaranger on February 16, 2008, 03:01:11 AM
You're a brave man, saying something like that with a wife that can shoot...well it was nice having you on this board.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on February 16, 2008, 07:03:22 AM
You're a brave man, saying something like that with a wife that can shoot...well it was nice having you on this board.

True, but notice Marshal never said which as which . . .

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 16, 2008, 11:49:00 AM
True, but notice Marshal never said which as which . . .

 ;D


Plausible deniability   :D
Title: The Doctor said . . . .
Post by: Crescendo on February 16, 2008, 05:17:28 PM
When our lawn mower wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first; the truck, the car, playing golf -- always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I'll always have a limp.



Moral to this story:


Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on February 17, 2008, 06:56:36 AM
Hey,  I get the last words in every argument at our house....."YES DEAR!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 17, 2008, 12:08:07 PM
I always read this thread last, it counters the irritation that builds when I'm reading the Political threads
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Crescendo on February 17, 2008, 01:24:45 PM
I always read this thread last, it counters the irritation that builds when I'm reading the Political threads

Amen to that!  ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 19, 2008, 01:29:07 AM
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as
 her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next
 hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands
together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll
 around in agony.

  The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to
 apologize, " Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and
I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

 "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he
finally allowed her to help.

 She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened
his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and
artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

 He replied, "It feels great .....but my thumb still hurts like hell.



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on February 19, 2008, 11:08:33 AM
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

 

Titanic:.... cost - $29.99
Clinton:.... cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:.... The story of Jack and Rose, their? forbidden? love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:...... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton:.... Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:...... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica....ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on February 19, 2008, 11:10:52 AM
The  #2 pencil...

The  value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil (this is too cute)!....You
don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.

Little Mary  Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School Usually she
slept  through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while  she was sleeping. 'Tell me
Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'   

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend  sitting
behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.   

'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, 'Very  good' and continued teaching her class..

A little later the Nun  asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Mary didn't  stir fro m her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue
and stuck Mary  Margaret in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and  the Nun once again said,'Very
good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.   

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam  after she had
her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the  rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick  that damn thing
in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.   
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 20, 2008, 12:47:16 AM
WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

 There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting:

30% of women think their ass is too fat............

10% of women think their ass is too skinny......

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 20, 2008, 01:47:24 AM
A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and
said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you had best put your
affairs in order."

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the
waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well daughter, we women
celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things do not go so
well. In this case, things are not well. I have cancer. Let's head to the
club and have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were
some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of
the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were
celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've
been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast and gave the woman
their condolences.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
"Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your
friends you were dying of AIDS."

The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father
after I'm gone."



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 20, 2008, 02:21:02 AM
THIS IS SOME KIND OF CHILI CONTEST!

*Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town, it takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

 The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
 
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting... and I thought, "FREE BEER?!?? That sounds great..... so I accepted the position of being Judge #3".
 
Here are the scorecards from the event:
 
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
 
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
 
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. '

 
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
 
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
 
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
 
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

 
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
 
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
 
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
 
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
 I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

 
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
 
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
 
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
 
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT . . . just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an Aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

 
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
 
 Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
 
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

 
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
 
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
 
 Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
 
Judge #3-- I shit myself when I farted .. and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.


Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

 
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
 
 Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
 
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

 
Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
 
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
 
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
 
Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot CHILI.
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 21, 2008, 03:48:24 PM
A woman goes into the hardware store to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the
counter.

An associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse
me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll just drop it on the counter, I
can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

 She doesn't really believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and
10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week
for only $20.00."

She says, "That is just amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card
drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really
embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was
she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person
around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel  were on sale for $20.00?
 How did you get $34.50?"

He replies," Yes, Ma'am, you're right. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00
and the Catfish Bait's $3.50."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on February 22, 2008, 11:51:31 AM
Dammit Marshall'ette! Is this all you do? ;D  Good, keep up the good work ;)

P.S. The final answer on gun control....USE BOTH HANDS!

P.S. Again..Luv your new Avatar :-*
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: m25operator on February 22, 2008, 02:02:41 PM
A young new salesman starts at a MEGALADON MART, where they sell EVERYTHING, groceries, sporting goods, hardware, vehicles you name it. On his first day at noon, the store manager comes over to ask him how his first day is going. Pretty good He says, I just made my first sale and it was for 45 THOUSAND DOLLARS!!! The manager gasps and says that much on one sale, tell me about it!

Well first I sold this man a fishing pole, then I upsold a top of the line fishing reel, tackle box, lures and fishing vest. Then I said it's not much fun fishing without a boat, and took him to the boat center and sold him a 25ft fishing boat with an upgraded motor, trolling motor and depth finder. Out fitted him with some life jackets. Then I said this boat is too big to tow with your car, and took him to the truck center, sold him an extended cab truck with trailer hitch, c/d player, satellite radio and IPOD dock. Then he was on his way.

Well young man that's fantastic, you did all that to a man who came in to buy a fishing pole!! :o

No, Sir, He came into buy some tampons, I said, well, your weekends shot to hell, have you ever thought about fishing? ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 23, 2008, 01:04:50 AM
I know that my jokes that I post are not very lady-like.. but dang it.. I can't help it!
Those are the only kind I can remember and actually those are the only kind anyone ever sends me.. soooo it really isn't my fault.
If they get a bit over the top, and I start to offend some of you.. please tell me.. I don't want anyone to be uncomfortable...
but it really is hard for me to be an angel ALL of the time~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


But I DO try~~~~~
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/112.gif)

(http://images34.imikimi.com/image/images_full/40615034.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 23, 2008, 01:11:03 AM
An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

She’s chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden
 she hears the most horrible, awful, blood curdling screams.

 "Don’t worry about that" says St. Peter. "It’s only someone having the holes
put into her shoulder blades for wings."

  The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

  Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
"Oh my God!", say the old lady, "Now what is happening?"

  "Not to worry", says St. Peter. "She’s just having Her head drilled to fit the halo."

  "I can’t do this", says the Old lady.  "I’m just going to go on down to hell."

  "Oh, you can’t go there", says St. Peter. "You’ll be raped and taken advantage of".

  "Maybe so", says the old lady, "but I’ve already got the holes for that! "

 
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 23, 2008, 01:13:27 PM
I know that my jokes that I post are not very lady-like.. but dang it.. I can't help it!
Those are the only kind I can remember and actually those are the only kind anyone ever sends me.. soooo it really isn't my fault.
If they get a bit over the top, and I start to offend some of you.. please tell me.. I don't want anyone to be uncomfortable...
but it really is hard for me to be an angel ALL of the time~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


But I DO try~~~~~
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/112.gif)

(http://images34.imikimi.com/image/images_full/40615034.jpg)


With a disclaimer like this I just KNEW the next onewould be good.  :D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 24, 2008, 01:24:30 PM

With a disclaimer like this I just KNEW the next one would be good.  :D

((( I try real hard to cover my butt.)))  ;D ;D ;D
~~~~~~~~~

A Russian and a Redneck wrestler were set to square off for The Olympic Gold Medal.
Before The Final Match, The Redneck wrestler's trainer came to him and said,
"Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'Pretzel Hold' he has.
Whatever you do, Do Not Let Him Get You In That Hold! If he does, you're finished."

The Redneck nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Redneck and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.

All of a sudden, The Russian lunged forward, grabbing The Redneck and
wrapping him up in the dreaded Pretzel Hold. A sigh of disappointment arosefrom the crowd and the trainer
buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a blood curdling scream... Then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just
in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Redneck collapsed
on top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked,
 "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The Redneck Wrestler said "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment,
 I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face.
 I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit down
 on those babies just as hard as I could."

The Trainer exclaimed, "So That's what finished him off!"

Not really. But you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on February 24, 2008, 02:37:35 PM
((( I try real hard to cover my butt.)))  ;D ;D ;D
~~~~~~~~~


GROAN!! (biting tongue) Trying not to....  Must not type.....  AAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGG!!!!!   :o :o :o :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on February 24, 2008, 03:00:51 PM
Marshal'ette.............LMAO - can hardly type for the tears running down my face.  BEST EVER!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on February 24, 2008, 05:14:56 PM
What's the difference between a woman in the shower and a nun?
The nun has hope in her soul.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on February 24, 2008, 05:19:49 PM
What's the difference between a woman in the shower and a nun?
The nun has hope in her soul.

Took a minute, but that was good ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on February 24, 2008, 06:10:38 PM
That's totally disgusting; and i'm starting to feel uncomfortable. Keep up the good work ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 24, 2008, 07:01:18 PM
There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast.
On his way in he kicked the cow, then ran over and kicked the pig, and last before he opened the door, he gave a mighty kick to the chicken.
His mom had been watching him from the kitchen window.
So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal.
 "What's the deal?" he asks.
His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you. You kicked the pig so there's no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so there will be no eggs for you."
Then his father walks into the kitchen, tripped and and accidentally kicked the cat.
The boy looks at his mother and says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Marshal Halloway on February 24, 2008, 07:17:02 PM
It was a terrible nightmare, the most horrible nightmare  you could ever imagine.
 
In the nightmare I found myself naked in bed, and I was looking at a
mirror on the ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I'm
circumcised!
Quickly I jumped up, found my pants and looked in the
pockets to find my driver license photo - and it was that same color.
Black.
 No, no,no, no, no, no~!  God no, it can't be!!
I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, so I sat down in a chair.
But it's a wheelchair!!
 
That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm also
disabled!!! I said to myself, aloud "This is impossible. It's impossible
that I should be black and Jewish and disabled."
 
"It's the pure and holy truth", whispers someone from behind me. I turn
around, and it's my Boyfriend. Just what I needed!!! I am a homosexual
whore and on top of that with a Mexican boyfriend.

 Oh, my God..... !!!!!!!!!!
Black, Jewish, disabled, gay, with a Mexican boyfriend, drug
addict, and HIV-positive!!!
 
Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, reach up to pull my hair, and OH, Noooooo...I'm
Bald!!!
 
The telephone rings. It's my brother. He is saying, "Since mom and dad
died the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all
day doing nothing. Get a job you worthless piece of sh**..  Any job."

Mom?... Dad?... Dead?
Nooooooooo... Now I'm also an unemployed orphan!
 
I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are
black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug
addict, HIV-positive, bald, and an orphan. But he doesn't get it.
 
Frustrated, I hang up. It's then I realize I only have one hand!!! With
tears in my eyes I go to the window to look out. I see I live in a
shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere.
 
Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker.... Pacemaker? Besides
being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend, a drug
addict, HIV- positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, and
having a bad heart, I live in a crappy cardboard neighborhood.
 
At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me, "Sweetiepie,
my love, my little black heartthrob, have you decided who are you going
to vote for in the Primary?
Hillary or Barack?

 Sonofabitch!!!! Say it isn't so!!!
 I can handle being a black, disabled,one armed, drug addicted, Jewish queer on a Pacemaker who is HIV
positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum, and has a Mexican
boyfriend, but PLEASE .. PLEASE...don't tell me I'm a Democrat!!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on February 24, 2008, 07:45:36 PM
There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast.
On his way in he kicked the cow, then ran over and kicked the pig, and last before he opened the door, he gave a mighty kick to the chicken.
His mom had been watching him from the kitchen window.
So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal.
 "What's the deal?" he asks.
His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you. You kicked the pig so there's no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so there will be no eggs for you."
Then his father walks into the kitchen, tripped and and accidentally kicked the cat.
The boy looks at his mother and says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"

M'ette, don't tell Marshal, but I think I'm in love.   ;D ;D ;D ;D :o :o :o :o :o :o ::) ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: SlickRob on February 24, 2008, 11:26:07 PM
"THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER" a story in political correctness.

    OLD VERSION:

    The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
    house and laying up supplies for the winter.

    The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and
plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

    The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

    MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!


    ************************************************************

    MODERN VERSION:

    The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
    house and laying up supplies for the winter.

    The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and
plays the summer away.

    Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and
    demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed
    while others are cold and starving.

    CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the
shivering  grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a
    table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

    How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor
grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

    Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody
    cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."

    Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where
    the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse
    then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

 Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that
    the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call
  for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

    Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act
    retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for
failing  to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left
to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

    Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a
    defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel
of  federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent
 welfare recipients.

    The ant loses the case.

    The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of
    the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens
    to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't
    maintain it.

    The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a
 drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a
    gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

 MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: SlickRob on February 24, 2008, 11:27:46 PM
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife
and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner, locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the
knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Glock  cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
...............................................................
THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN




Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire
him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock
the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind
of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be
content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my
family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and
make this happier, healthier street that would
Discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with
Some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.


Republican's Answer:
BANG!



Redneck' s Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the
Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?'
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one!'
Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 25, 2008, 12:03:34 AM
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/chuckle.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on February 25, 2008, 11:51:28 AM
This is for the older folks to laugh at and the younger ones to wonder about.

I had a friend who used to turn his hearing aid off completely which allowed
 him to just smile at everyone. Wonder what happened to 'Smilin Jack'?
 
 
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He
 went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of
 hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
 The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,
 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can
 hear again.'
 The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet'.
 I just sit around and listen to the
 conversations. I've changed my Will three times already!'

 
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under
a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and
 I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you
 feel?'
 Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

 
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the
 wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
 The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a
 new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
 The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
 The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that
 flower you give to someone you love?
 You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
 'Do you mean a rose?'
 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen
 and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

 
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
 However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman
 already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who
 insisted he! Didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
 After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the
 elevator.
 On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out
 of her hospital gown.'
 
 
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During
 a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might
 want to start writing things down to help them remember
 Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
 'Sure.'
 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
 'No, I can remember it.'
 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it
 down, so's not to forget it?'
 He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
 strawberries. '
 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?'
 she asks.
 Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice
 cream  with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
 Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
 The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and
 eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
 'Where's my toast ?'
 
 
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
 'So I hear you're getting married?'
 'Yep!'
 'Do I know her?'
 'Nope!'
 'This woman, is she good looking?'
 'Not really.'
 'Is she a good cook?'
 'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
 'Does she have lots of money?'
 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
 'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
 'I don't know.'
 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
 'Because she can still drive!'
 
 
Three old guys are out walking.
 First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
 Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
 Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
 
 
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost
me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
 'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
 'Twelve thirty.'
 
 
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
 A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
 gorgeous young woman on his arm.
 A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really
 doing great, aren't you?'
 Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
 cheerful.''
 The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be
 careful.'
 
 
One more. . .!
 
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself
 slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered
 a banana split.
 The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on February 25, 2008, 12:39:26 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ROTFLMBO!!!!!!!!!!!!  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Love the last one and the one about the 'rose' has my name all over it! 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 25, 2008, 02:30:32 PM
I definitely can relate to some of those.. LOL  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 25, 2008, 05:23:11 PM
This is kinda one of those things that when you watch it , you snicker and smile.. , but the scary part about it is that it's probably not too far away from being reality. Actually it's rather frightening! (http://www.gangsterbb.net/emoticons/aim-OhMy.gif)

Want to know how to order a pizza in 2010? 

Click the link and see  .  .  . turn  up the volume  . . . listen closely  . . . watch the pointer carefully! 

Click here: http://aclu.org/pizza/images/screen.swf


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on February 25, 2008, 05:53:42 PM
Positively terrifying!

And coming to YOUR home SOON!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 25, 2008, 06:32:51 PM
And 'specially when someone knows the size of britches you wear.. (http://www.gangsterbb.net/emoticons/rotfl.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on February 25, 2008, 07:34:38 PM
OK, I wasn't going to post this one, but after due consideration, it is less raunchy than some of the other "classics" on this thread.

There was this very gorgeous and shapely young lady who worked at the local General Store, an old time one with shelves to the ceiling and a ladder running along the wall. Seems word got out that in the summer, when it was hot, she would do without undergarments under her skirts.

One summer day, three young guys who had heard about her lack of dress stopped in the store. She asked the first one what he wanted. The guy looked around and spied raisin bread on the top shelf. So that's what he asked for. Up the ladder she went, and sure enough they all got a good eyeful. She came down the ladder, unaware of the show she had just given, and rang up the purchase.

About this time an old geezer walked into the store and he stood with the boys waiting his turn. The young lady asked the second guy what he wanted, and he dutifully pointed to the top shelf and said raisin bread. Up the ladder she went, and all four of the men - young and old - got a good eyeful.

Down she came, rang up the tab, and turned to the third young man. He hemmed and hawed, and finally blurted out "Raisin bread!". Up the ladder she went, with everything on display, when she turned and asked the old man - "Is yours raisin too?"

Naw, he replied, but it's twitchin' a mite!

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 25, 2008, 08:25:26 PM
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/forum/image13.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on February 25, 2008, 09:21:07 PM
I have a dog & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.  On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

Now,..... practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.  I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my ass and a car hit me.

Stupid lady...why else would I buy dog food??


 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on February 25, 2008, 09:40:22 PM
An old cowboy sat down at a Starbucks (OK, very unlikely, but this is A JOKE) and ordered a cup of coffee. 

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"


He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."


She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems everything makes me think of women."



The two sat sipping in silence.



A little later a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"




He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on February 26, 2008, 12:15:09 AM
Just read the "Raisin Bread" joke...she must have been a blonde!  Afte the 2nd trip up the ladder a brunette or redhead would have moved all the loaves to a lower shelf.  Sorry blondes.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 26, 2008, 01:32:08 PM
Just read the "Raisin Bread" joke...she must have been a blonde!  Afte the 2nd trip up the ladder a brunette or redhead would have moved all the loaves to a lower shelf.  Sorry blondes.

(http://www.cascity.com/howard/forum/uhhh.gif)  WHAT??
Sorry blonds?? ....Blonds as in plural?
 (http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/yourpo.gif) Like..ahhhhh ...last time I looked around in here there were 2 females..
 One has red/black hair..and the other ( that'd be me~~) is blond...? ::)

Sooooo.... you want to get on your knees NOW and beg forgiveness to "the blond" or ..do you want to take your chances and stick to your story..

(http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/Victim.gif)

 (((think about it)))
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on February 26, 2008, 02:09:09 PM
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/forum/uhhh.gif)  WHAT??
Sorry blonds?? ....Blonds as in plural?
 (http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/yourpo.gif) Like..ahhhhh ...last time I looked around in here there were 2 females..
 One has red/black hair..and the other ( that'd be me~~) is blond...? ::)

Sooooo.... you want to get on your knees NOW and beg forgiveness to "the blond" or ..do you want to take your chances and stick to your story..

(http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/Victim.gif)

 (((think about it)))
 


OOHHHH Ellis, if'n I was you I'd give up NOW!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 26, 2008, 03:40:45 PM
THE COWBOY AND THE LITTLE BLUE PILL

A Real Cowboy an old Texas cowhand went to the local drug  store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue Viagra pill.

The pharmacist asked 'How many?'

The cowboy replied, 'Oh, just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces.'
 
The pharmacist said, 'That's too small a dose.
That won't get you through sex.'
 
The old cowboy said, 'Oh hell, I'm over eighty years old, and I
don't even think about sex much anymore.
 I just want to take it so it will stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new boots.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 26, 2008, 03:51:19 PM
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then
visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed
again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once
more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about
the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she
took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I
couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose
and then shuddered violently. I'm rather worried. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition;
whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never
heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Black pepper."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on February 26, 2008, 04:25:22 PM
No offense intended mam (sure took you long enough to catch my post).  It just wouldn't have been the same if I had said brunette or redhead instead of blonde besides I know you can dish it out as well as take it - not like some I know!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 26, 2008, 05:49:24 PM
No offense intended mam (sure took you long enough to catch my post).  It just wouldn't have been the same if I had said brunette or redhead instead of blonde besides I know you can dish it out as well as take it - not like some I know!

Ahhhhhh.... a man apologizing.. It does a body good.. ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on February 26, 2008, 06:02:56 PM
And you gloat pretty good too!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Detachment_Charlie on February 26, 2008, 07:18:52 PM
I registered specifically to add this. It's been my favorite joke for at least 50 years (yes, there are people who are that old and able to use a computer). Here it is:

A lady gets on a bus. She's got a banana in her ear.
The bus driver says to her,"Hey, lady, you got a banana in your ear."
The lady says to the bus driver, "Sorry, I can't hear you; I have a banana in my ear."

 ::)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dakotaranger on February 27, 2008, 12:21:55 AM
An old cowboy sat down at a Starbucks (OK, very unlikely, but this is A JOKE) and ordered a cup of coffee. 

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"


He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."


She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems everything makes me think of women."



The two sat sipping in silence.



A little later a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"




He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




I guess I've been chasin' the wrong women too.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 27, 2008, 12:54:08 AM
And you gloat pretty good too!

Me? Gloat?
Never!~~~
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v467/TMB/BluebirdNut/Emoticons/AllEmoticons/wink6.gif)


(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v467/TMB/BluebirdNut/Emoticons/AllEmoticons/catpurr.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 27, 2008, 02:03:20 AM
A housewife has a lover during the day while her husband is at work.
 While this takes place she locks her 8-year-old son in the bedroom closet.
One day her husband comes home while the lover is there so she hurries and puts
 her lover in the same closet with the boy.

They stand in the closet for a while... then the boy says, "Dark in here."

"Yes it is."

"I have a baseball."

"That’s nice."

"Wanna buy it?"

"No."

"My dad’s out there."

"OK, I’ll buy it. How much?"

"$25."

"$25 !!" Sigh... "OK, I’ll buy it."

A week later the man is over again.
The boy is locked in the closet again. The father comes home again.
 The man is put in the closet with the boy again.

They stand in the gloom. The boy says, "Dark in here."

"Yes, it is."

"I have a baseball glove."

"That’s nice.

"Wanna buy it?"

Remembering the previous week, the man says, "Not really, but how much this time?"

"$75."

 "$75 ?!?!!"   "Fine...! I'll buy it."

The following weekend the father says to the boy, " Hey Son, go get your ball and glove and let’s play some catch."

"I can’t dad. I sold them."

"You sold them! Really? For how much?"

"$100."

"What? You shouldn’t rip your friends off like that. We didn’t pay anywhere near that for those items.
That's just terrible!  I’m taking you to the priest and I want you to confess to him."

They go to the church to the confessional.
The boy goes in and sits down. The little door opens so the priest can hear his confession.

"What is your sin, my son?"

 "Dark in here."

"Don’t start that shit again."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 27, 2008, 02:08:54 AM
A guy walks into a bar and sees a big jar crammed full of money, at least $25,000.
He asks the bartender, "What’s up with the jar?"

The bartender replies, "It’s the prize for the contest we’re having."

"What’s the contest?"

"First, You see that big guy over there?"... the bartender says, pointing to the biggest guy in the place,
 "you have to go over there and lay him out with one punch.
Then, down in the back storeroom, there’s a pit bull with a gold molar and you have to pull it out.
Finally, across the street is an 90-year-old woman who hasn’t had an orgasm in 65 years. You have to give her one.
 Do all that and the money is yours."

"Okay," the guy says, "For $25,000, I can do that."
He takes a deep breath and summons all his strength.

He goes over to the big guy, takes a mighty swing and lays him out with one punch. Feeling real good about that,
 the guy then proceeds down to the store room. For the next half hour, all that can be heard is barking, screaming,
growling, and intense shrieks of pain. At last, the guy returns, though somewhat bloodied and with his clothes torn to pieces.

"Okay, now," says the guy,out of breath... "where’s that old woman with the gold tooth?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on February 27, 2008, 07:20:59 AM
An Amish farmer walking, notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.

The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have pooped in it."

The man shouts back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Hillary, I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The Amish man says: "Use two hands, you'll get more."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: someguy on February 27, 2008, 10:53:45 AM
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/forum/uhhh.gif)  WHAT??
Sorry blonds?? ....Blonds as in plural?
 (http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/yourpo.gif) Like..ahhhhh ...last time I looked around in here there were 2 females..
 One has red/black hair..and the other ( that'd be me~~) is blond...? ::)

Sooooo.... you want to get on your knees NOW and beg forgiveness to "the blond" or ..do you want to take your chances and stick to your story..

(http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/Victim.gif)

 (((think about it)))
 



Oh, Ok...  I'll take the bait...

What do you call a smart blonde?





A golden retriever.
 ;D  (Hey, I'm blonde, too...)



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 27, 2008, 01:18:41 PM
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting
 time the boy should give some thought to choosing a
 profession.
  Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he
  wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

  One day, while the boy was away to school, his father decided
to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed
 on his study table four objects.

  A Bible

 A silver dollar

 A bottle of whisky

 And a playboy magazine.

  'I'll just hide behind the door', the old preacher said to himself.
 'When he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see
  which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a
preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks
  up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would
 be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle. he's going to be a
 no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a
 skirt-chasing bum.'

  The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-
 steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his
 room.

  The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave
 the room he spotted the objects on the table.

  With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them
 Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.
 He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired
 this months centerfold.

  'Lord have mercy.' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.
'He's gonna run for Congress!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 27, 2008, 02:07:02 PM
( I have to leave the computer for awhile and do domestic work)

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v467/TMB/BluebirdNut/Emoticons/AllEmoticons/washer.gif) (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v467/TMB/BluebirdNut/Emoticons/AllEmoticons/kaodust.gif)(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v467/TMB/BluebirdNut/Emoticons/AllEmoticons/HouseworkSweep.gif)
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v467/TMB/BluebirdNut/Emoticons/AllEmoticons/dishes.gif)
****Pathfinder...you STILL want my job?***  ;D

Ok.. this is the last one for the day.. and I will try so very very hard to rewrite it a bit and reword it so it is ..well... lets say... more presentable.

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend
a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. It's only for men. They say it's
been trained to preform oral sex.!"

"Oral sex! !" the woman replied.

"Well, understand,it hasn't been proven, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's
true...no more having to do that job anymore! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely
skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she
may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans
flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She
ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog
reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is
gone."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on February 27, 2008, 07:40:05 PM
( I have to leave the computer for awhile and do domestic work)

Pathfinder...you STILL want my job?***  ;D


Well, not that part. But, if there is a French upstairs maid outfit involved, I might come watch.

And where do I get one of them frogs? I can cook.

 :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Marshal Halloway on February 27, 2008, 07:55:58 PM

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mailbox and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?' To which she replied, 'There certainly is!' My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: wisconsin on February 27, 2008, 08:39:50 PM
I like that one ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 27, 2008, 08:53:49 PM
Now you all know the truth!

Marshal is the clean minded one and I am.......................well............................
(http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/erst060.gif) what can I say?   ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on February 27, 2008, 09:23:55 PM
Hey Marshal, It wasn't your neighbor that told you that one was it? ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on February 27, 2008, 09:31:56 PM
Hey Marshal, It wasn't your neighbor that told you that one was it? ;D

IN COMING!!  :o :o :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 28, 2008, 12:10:37 AM
Hey Marshal, It wasn't your neighbor that told you that one was it? ;D

Hey Cookie?!! ??

(http://www.cascity.com/howard/forum/pointfinger.gif)
 
(http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/kissass.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 28, 2008, 12:27:17 AM
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp.  He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!

The genie said, "OK.  You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes.  So you can forget about getting three wishes.  You only get one wish.

The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile.  Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.   Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!  Think of the logistics of that!   How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?  Think of how much concrete... how much steel...!  No. Think of another wish."

The man tried to think of another wish.  Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times.  My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.  So I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying...know what they really want when they say, 'Nothing'...know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on February 28, 2008, 06:29:32 AM
Hey Cookie?!! ??

(http://www.cascity.com/howard/forum/pointfinger.gif)
 
(http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/kissass.gif)


What?!!!!!!!! Now thats not very nice. I wasn't implying anything ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on February 28, 2008, 09:06:17 AM
Hey Marshal, how come you can do a blonde joke and not get reamed but anyone else incurres the Wrath of Marshal'ette?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Marshal Halloway on February 28, 2008, 09:22:05 AM
Didn't you notice that I haven't posted anything since that joke?

My keyboard stopped working and has been locked up until now. When I asked her about it, she just said.... "I don't know, you're the computer expert..."

On another note.... my cereal tasted funny this morning....

Well, I guess I better find a brunette joke real quick to avoid further retaliation.

Then again.... I am taking her out tonight for a "seafood eatin' session" and some book shopping at Barnes & Noble.

Keep me in your prayers....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on February 28, 2008, 09:58:58 AM
Hey Marshal, how come you can do a blonde joke and not get reamed but anyone else incurres the Wrath of Marshal'ette?

RHIP (and he probably hears it in person, so to speak). :D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 28, 2008, 11:22:59 AM
Hey Marshal, how come you can do a blonde joke and not get reamed but anyone else incurres the Wrath of Marshal'ette?


 She doesn't have to post to ream him. :o Probably make him eat his own cooking for that one. ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on February 28, 2008, 03:46:50 PM
A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.

"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.

The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on February 28, 2008, 07:41:56 PM
OK, got one to balance the frog joke.

This guy walks into a bar he'd never been in before, goes to the end of the bar, and orders a beer. He's looking around, a group of gorgeous, drop-dead beauties at the other end of the bar, a handful of others, and this really unattractive guy sitting in the corner booth. As he's nursing the beer, one of the lovely ladies goes over to the corner booth, chats with the guy for a minute, then he gets up, and they walk out together. He's short dumpy, and in the better light the first guy see that, as my Mom used to say, this guy is really unfortunate looking.

A few days later the first guy goes back to the bar, goes to the end, orders a beer, and checks out the crowd. Only one really hot young lady, a couple of other folks, and the little troll-like guy in the corner booth. Same deal - the young lovely walks over to the guy in the corner booth, talks with him for a minute, he gets up, and they walk out with his arm around her waist.

A week later, the first guy goes back to the bar, sits down, bartender already has a beer waiting for him. The troll guy is in the corner booth. A hot young blonde woman walks in, stands at the end of the bar near the door for a minute, then goes over to the corner booth and - you guessed it - the troll guy gets up and leaves with ther - this time she is all over him.

The first guy waves the bartender over and complains - what's going on, every hot chick in this place goes out with him. The bartender say "Yeah, I know. And all he ever does is just sit in that corner booth licking his eyebrows".

 :o :o :o 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 29, 2008, 01:14:06 AM
I want to live my next life backwards! You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat. Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day. When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.

When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you're too young to work.

So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party. As you get even younger, you become a kid again.

You go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities. In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy.

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap. Until finally...you finish off as an orgasm.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on February 29, 2008, 06:13:41 AM
Works for me!! ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 29, 2008, 11:01:35 AM
Handle every stressful situation like a dog.   If you can't eat it or hump it.   
Piss on it and walk away.
;D

((Aren't I just the most lady- like creature in the female world? (http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/rolleyes.gif)
Actually I am one of the lucky ones who can be "both".. a redneck gal in blue jeans and a flannel shirt.. or a woman in a dress and jewelery and my hair all done up.  ;) It's great being female. :-*
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on February 29, 2008, 12:02:00 PM
Handle every stressful situation like a dog.   If you can't eat it or hump it.  
Piss on it and walk away.
;D

((Aren't I just the most lady- like creature in the female world? (http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/rolleyes.gif)
Actually I am one of the lucky ones who can be "both".. a redneck gal in blue jeans and a flannel shirt.. or a woman in a dress and jewelery and my hair all done up.  ;) It's great being female. :-*

I love it!! (and I'm going to steal it)

And Sugar we love ya just because your both.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: SlickRob on February 29, 2008, 03:38:48 PM


THE WEDDING TEST


I was a very happy man.    My wonderful girlfriend

and I had been dating for over a year, and so we

decided to get married. There was only one

little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful

younger sister.


My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very

tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She

would regularly bend down when she was near

me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to

be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was

near anyone else.


One day her "little" sister called and asked me to

come over to check the wedding invitations. She was

alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she

had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't

overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once

before I got married and committed my life to her sister.


Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.


She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if

you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."


I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go

up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned

and made a beeline straight to the front door. I

opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing

outside, all clapping!


With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and

said, "We are very happy that you have passed our

little test. We couldn't ask for a better

man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."


And the moral of this story is:
 


 
 

Always keep your condoms in your car.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: SlickRob on February 29, 2008, 06:02:42 PM
Lawyers  should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't  prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern  small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a  grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and  asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I  do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy,  and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you  cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them  behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't  the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a  two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was  stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room  and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?' 

She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr.  Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and  he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship  with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the  entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three  different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' 

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked  both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice,  said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll  send you both to the electric chair.' 



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 01, 2008, 11:20:38 AM
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water,
 however, is a whole other issue."

"OLD" IS WHEN .. Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

"OLD " IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN .. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door .

"OLD" IS WHEN .. Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN .. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN .. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

"OLD" IS WHEN .."Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today

"OLD" IS WHEN .. "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN .. An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND "OLD" IS WHEN .. You are not sure these are jokes?
  :o

See everbody?? I can do clean jokes!~ ::)
(http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/Giggles.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: someguy on March 01, 2008, 03:03:24 PM
Okay, Marshallette - this is to make up for the 'smart blonde' joke I posted earlier...

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.  A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice bounced and came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down and squealed "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers...and then picked up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.  Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."

  Moral of the story:
  Not all Southerners are stupid.

  Not all blondes are dumb.

  But all men... are men.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 02, 2008, 12:09:42 AM
someguy.. I loved it.. ( you're off the hook  ;) )

Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones.
 John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single.
The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated old row boat.
 It happened that John Jone's wife died the same day that Joe's old rowboat filled with water and sank.

A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken him for John said;
"Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible".

Joe smiled and said, "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle".

Before he could finish the old lady fainted!

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on March 02, 2008, 12:43:21 PM
A southern preacher was asked to come out to a new cemetery opened up in the middle of nowhere and do last rights on a John Doe. On the way to the cemetery the preacher got lost. Being a man he wouldn't stop and ask for directions. That made him a hour and a half late. Finally he turned a corner and saw a backhoe and some men standing there. He got out of his car and ran up to them. Apologizing for being late he saw that the vault was already closed. He decided to go ahead and gave the most beautiful prayer that went from Genises to Revelations. After he was done, he apologized again to the men and left.  One of the men turned to the others and said, "I've been puting in septic tanks for years, but this is the first one thats been blessed!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on March 02, 2008, 07:16:42 PM
I met and married Miss. Right.....To bad I didn't realize her first name was ALWAYS sooner!

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 04, 2008, 09:17:23 AM
  The banker saw his old friend Tom,  an eighty-year old rancher, in  town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so  before and rumor had it that he
 was marrying a "mail order"  bride.

Being a good friend, the banker  asked Tom if the rumor was true.   Tom
assured him that it was.  The  banker then asked Tom the age of his  new
Bride to be.  Tom proudly said,  "She'll be twenty-one in  November."

 Now the banker, being the wise man  that he was, could see that  the
 sexual appetite of a young woman  could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-
old man.  Wanting his old  friend's remaining years to be happy, the banker
tactfully suggested that  Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him
out on the ranch,  knowing nature would take its own course.  Tom thought this
was a  good idea and said he would look for one that  afternoon.

 About four months later, the banker  ran into Tom in town again.  "How's the
new wife?", asked the  banker.

  Tom proudly said, "Good - She's  pregnant."

 The banker, happy that his sage  advice had worked out, continued,   "And
how's the hired  hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's  pregnant too."

 
Don't ever underestimate old Geezers.

(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/CAS.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jt40p on March 04, 2008, 10:08:34 AM

One of the guys sent this to me.

Women Are Evil By Nature...   
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.  She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.   
 
'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.  'Actually, no,' he replied.   
 
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.   
 
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?'   
 
'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.     
 
'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.   
 
'Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.


JT  :-X
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 04, 2008, 11:40:26 AM
A learning experience...

Names have been removed to protect the stupid !

Actual Letter from someone who writes, and farms.

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a
stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it
and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured
that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do
not seem to have much fear of me when we are there
(a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at
the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4
feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to
it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog
tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my
rope.  The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed
well back.   They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I
picked out a  likely looking one, stepped out from the end of
the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and
stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I
would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at
me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole
rope situation.

I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little
tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand
there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred
to action  when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a
LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight
range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer-- no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no
controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me
off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred
to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as
I had originally imagined.

The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as
many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk
me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me
a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the
blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had
lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil
creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it
would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.

At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer.

At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess
that the feeling was mutual.
       
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I
had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head
against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I
could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small
chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the
situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have it suffer a
slow death, so I  managed to get it lined back up in between my
truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of
like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my
 rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years
would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was
very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the
deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse
where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes
its head  --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to
freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead.

My method was ineffective.

 It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several
 minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning
that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus
out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled
that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the
day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up
on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder
level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.

I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse
 --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the
best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive
move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back
down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery
would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different
strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run
from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance
that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so
different from horses after all, besides being twice a s strong and
3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right
in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does
not  immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the
danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and
jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like
a little girl and covering your head.

 I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went
away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a
rifle with a scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the Prey.

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 04, 2008, 12:44:23 PM
What a wonderful break from my day.. To have these to read and laugh at.
 I love it!  ;D


A couple of drinkin' buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hangar at Logan in Boston Massachusetts ;
It's fogged in and they're bored out of their skulls and have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"

The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and that it will kinda give you a buzz and it has a helluva kick."

So they drink it, and just get hammered and smashed out of their minds. They have a great time; like only drinkin' buddies can do.

 The following morning, one of them gets up and is surprised he feels really good, in fact, he feels great - NO hangover!
The phone rings, it's his buddy.

The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"

He said, "Hey , I feel great!! I mean I feel really great !!", and the buddy says, "I feel great too!! You don't have a hangover?" and he says, "No. Isn't that incredible? That jet fuel is awesome stuff - no hangover - we ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, we could................, but there's just one thing....."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No, why?"

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 04, 2008, 03:52:13 PM
6 Truths of Life


1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.





2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.





3. The first truth is a lie.





4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.





5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.






6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.


       

Sorry about this,....I'm an idiot and I needed company,...:-)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 04, 2008, 03:55:42 PM


Truth # 7  Your right, I did and yep, still smiling.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Swamp Yankee on March 04, 2008, 05:23:38 PM
Happy Birhtday
This week Monika Lewinski Turns 34. It seems like just yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees putting everything in reach into her mouth. My they grow up so quickly where does the time go.

Mike Mc
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dakotaranger on March 04, 2008, 11:55:05 PM
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete... She is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.  She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,  


Picabo, ICU.  
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dakotaranger on March 04, 2008, 11:56:05 PM
When Grandma Goes To Court 
 
 
Your humor for today!
 
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 05, 2008, 01:27:35 PM
Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The
other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching
the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my
engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to
get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He
was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34,
and we have been married for twelve years.
 
When I confronted him, he broke down and
admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I
told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six
months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and
worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum
he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm
afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
 
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila

 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a
short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is
clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also
check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the
problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low
delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
 
I hope this helps.
-Walter
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 05, 2008, 01:37:06 PM
Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The
other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching
the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my
engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to
get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He
was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34,
and we have been married for twelve years.
 
When I confronted him, he broke down and
admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I
told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six
months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and
worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum
he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm
afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
 
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila

 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a
short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is
clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also
check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the
problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low
delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
 
I hope this helps.
-Walter


So what's the joke?  ???   Sounded like a knowledgeable answer to me, though I would have also mentioned the fuel filter.  ;)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 05, 2008, 02:35:37 PM
Haz Haz Haz~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  You are impossible! (http://www.gangsterbb.net/emoticons/banghead.gif)



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on March 05, 2008, 03:38:52 PM
My first thought was SHE ran out of gas!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 05, 2008, 04:49:49 PM
One evening, while campaigning in Texas, Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road.
Suddenly an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to
avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed. Hillary told
her driver to go up to the ranch house and explain to the owners what had
happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.
 About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in
disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of very expensive wine in one hand,
a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared
with lipstick. "What happened to you," asked Hillary?
"Well," the driver replied, "the rancher gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their
beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me!"
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
 
The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the
door of the house and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.
The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on March 05, 2008, 05:30:12 PM
A "mamma's boy gets married and goes to the finest hotel for his honeymoon, Being that his Mother shielded him from the world he didn't know much about what to do on his first night of marriage. He goes down stairs to the front desk and asks for help. The Hotel manager tells him that it's not a probem as this is a full service hotel. They go back up to his room and the manager takes out a piece of chalk and draws a circle on the floor. He tells the groom to stand in the circle and not to move until told to do so. The manager then climbs into bed with the Bride and proceeds to perform all manners of sex act on her. The whole time he keeps hearing the groom giggling behind him. When he finally finished he looks at the groom and ask what was so funny. The groom replies " While you were in bed with my wife I jumped out of the circle about 15 times"  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on March 05, 2008, 07:18:22 PM
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it
for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells, 'You need a piece of tail.'

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 06, 2008, 12:11:51 AM
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/126.gif)
Loved 'em Majer
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



A man goes to the doctor after feeling sick for a few weeks.
The doctor says, "You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and I hate to have to tell you this...but you're going to die this evening."
The man is totally distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife.

He tells her and bravely she says, "Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember.
 "I'm going to treat you like a king." She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles, soft music...-the works.

After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is literally beside himself.
Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise.

But the husband is wide awake watching the clock.

He knows that his time is ticking away. He taps her..."Honey?" he whispers. .."Could we make love one more time?"
So she rolls over and again and they proceed to make love.
Again when they were done she rolls over and in a few minutes he taps her once again. "Honey? I don't much time left. Do you mind if we make love again?"
She is getting kind of cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes.
Finally, after they are done, the wife rolls over and begins to snore.
Well, the man just can't sleep, so he decides to tap her again. "Honey?" he whispers. "Maybe just one more time?"
 She rolls over and yells, "Oh sure! Easy for you to say. You don't have to get up in the morning!!!"


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 06, 2008, 12:23:30 AM
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery.  You are welcome here as long as you like,
but you may not speak until directed to do so. '

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her,
'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.'

Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest.
'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'

'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the
food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office.
'You may say two words today.'

 'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.

'It's probably best,' said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but bitch since you got here.'


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 06, 2008, 01:18:59 AM
Last one..and I'm goin' to bed.
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/gnight.gif)


A country redneck cowboy is driving down a back road in Texas.

 A sign in front of a restaurant reads:

 HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
 Lobster Tail and Beer

"Lord almighty" he says to himself, "my three favorite things!!"


 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 06, 2008, 12:07:35 PM
After their 11th child, an Arkansas couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. 

So the husband went to the only doctor around which was his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. 

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Arkansas) light it, put it in a beer can (COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.

 'The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

 ''Trust me", said the doctor.

  So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count..."1, 2, 3, 4, 5".  At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.



This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Alabama, Mississippi, Missouri, West Virginia and Washington DC.


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: SlickRob on March 06, 2008, 05:02:26 PM
ROTFLMAO!   ;D
Title: The dog is truely man's best friend
Post by: DonWorsham on March 06, 2008, 05:24:18 PM
 
A dog is truely a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.   

 
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. 

When you open the trunk, who’s really happy to see you?
Title: Re: The dog is truely man's best friend
Post by: wisconsin on March 06, 2008, 05:57:23 PM

A dog is truely a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.   

 
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. 

When you open the trunk, who’s really happy to see you?

Thanks :) I'm still laughing as I type this.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 06, 2008, 08:28:36 PM
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER,
 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM.
THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?'
SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'

' A WITCH!.....  WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW., TAKIN' MY TEETH WITH HER.'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: wisconsin on March 06, 2008, 08:40:35 PM
This is the place I'm going to keep coming too so I can learn how to laugh again. Great!!! Keep them coming.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 06, 2008, 10:00:03 PM
Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.
 
About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandma's yelled out saying,
 "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."
 
The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."
 
One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."
 
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
 
The Grandmas then asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"
 
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?"
 
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three old ladies happily cackled and yelled in unison --
 "We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 07, 2008, 01:27:15 AM
Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.
 
About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandma's yelled out saying,
 "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."
 
The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."
 
One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."
 
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
 
The Grandmas then asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"
 
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?"
 
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three old ladies happily cackled and yelled in unison --
 "We were at your birthday party yesterday!"




Bet they made soup for MacBeth  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dakotaranger on March 07, 2008, 01:58:02 AM

Bet they made soup for MacBeth  ;D
Now you're just trying to bubble up some trouble aren't you.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 07, 2008, 11:31:56 AM
   

Bet they made soup for MacBeth  ;D
Now you're just trying to bubble up some trouble aren't you.


Who, ME ?    ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 07, 2008, 12:06:51 PM
Sighhhhhhhhhhhh~~my god... would you listen to this drivel??
 Here we go again with the... "Who me?? and the Not me ! ...  ::)
Like ...ahhhh.. everyone knows the ones in here that stir up trouble ..
So I have to call  (http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/bsflag.gif)

I mean.. come on~~ Let's be honest here...........................

I~~"little ole'silly filled with fluff head' me is really the only one in this entire place who is honestly and truly an innocent..
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v467/TMB/BluebirdNut/Emoticons/AllEmoticons/pandadance-1.gif) yep yep yep~~ ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 07, 2008, 12:17:00 PM
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river.

Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."Poof ! . . . God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 4 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed:"God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."Poof ! . . . God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about 2 hours  after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:"God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river."Poof ! . . . He was turned into a woman.
She checked the map, hiked a hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/79.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 07, 2008, 02:02:17 PM
The Fortune Teller...

After escaping from her overly controlling campaign manager for the evening, Hillary Clinton sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year just after you lose the election.' Then the soothsayer looked up and locked eyes with Hillary, who was visibly shaken at this news. Hillary stared back at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She looked back, deep into the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her the big question: "Will I be acquitted?"

__._,_.___

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on March 07, 2008, 02:04:04 PM
Early on morning Lena woke to find Ole dead in bed.  She was devastated, but not nearly as much as Ole's life-long friend Sven.  That night Sven knelt down to pray and asked God to send him a sign that Ole was fine and in a happy place.

That night in his sleep Sven saw Ole in a dream.  Ole was sitting in a comfortable chair with a beer keg at his feet and a young, bikini clad, beautiful, sexy blond on each knee.

With excitement Sven ran forward to greet his old friend.

Ole quickly replied - Sven ... this isn't what it appears ... theres a hole in the keg and none in either of them.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: howlrwy on March 07, 2008, 05:04:26 PM
These two kids were talking and making up stories.

"My father can run 1000 miles in one day."

"Oh yeah? When my father raises up his hands he can reach the sky."

"Oh yeah? When your father raises his hands into the clouds, does he feel something soft up there?"

"Yeah," he said, "he does."

"Well, those are my father balls."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 07, 2008, 07:20:52 PM
   A new supermarket opened
 near my house. It has an automatic water
mister to keep the produce
fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the
sound of distant thunder and
the smell of fresh rain.

 When you pass the milk cases,
you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

 In the meat department there is
the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks.

 When you approach the egg case,
 you hear hens cluck and cackle, and  the air is filled with the pleasing
aroma of bacon and eggs frying for
 breakfast.

The bread department features
the tantalizing smell of fresh baked
bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there
anymore.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 07, 2008, 07:32:03 PM
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

 Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many

children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked

up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex

with each of them three times."

 Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

 Man: "What sins?"

 Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

 Man: "I'm not, I'm Jewish."

 Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

 Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."
 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 07, 2008, 07:37:05 PM
True Story from  Houston  Medical  Center

 A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his hoohoo.

According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his hoohoo while he was asleep.

 I don't know what's worse:

 1) Having your girlfriend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your hoohoo.
3) Or finding out your hoohoo fits through your wedding ring.

 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 07, 2008, 07:39:05 PM
Sorry, I'm on a streak here ;D

A man walks into a bank, gets in line, and when it's his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the bank.       

Just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me rob this bank?" 

The customer replies, "Yes, I did!"  The bank robber raises his gun, points it at the guys head, pulls the trigger and kills him deader than a door nail.
       
He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"  The man calmly responds, "No, but my wife did!"

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Swamp Yankee on March 07, 2008, 08:18:26 PM
A man and his nagging wife go on vacation to the Holy land. While there his wife dies suddenly. The local mortician  says they can ship her back to the States for $5000 or She can be laid to rest in the Holy land for $150. The mortician says it would be wonderful to have her interned here just think of how special it would be. The husband thinks about it for a couple of minutes and says to ship her back to the States. The mortician say why dont you think about it a little more. The husband replies that he had and that a long time ago a man had died and was buried then three days later  he arose from the dead and he just couldn't take that chance.

Mike Mc
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 07, 2008, 08:34:34 PM
Sighhhhhhhhhhhh~~my god... would you listen to this drivel??
 Here we go again with the... "Who me?? and the Not me ! ...  ::)
Like ...ahhhh.. everyone knows the ones in here that stir up trouble ..
So I have to call  (http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/bsflag.gif)




I mean.. come on~~ Let's be honest here...........................

I~~"little ole'silly filled with fluff head' me is really the only one in this entire place who is honestly and truly an innocent..
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v467/TMB/BluebirdNut/Emoticons/AllEmoticons/pandadance-1.gif) yep yep yep~~ ;)




 :o ::) ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 08, 2008, 09:23:36 AM
Thought I'd ad this to the joke thread even though there's a lot of truth in it........


As you may have heard, the Bush Administration has promised that each one of us will get a nice tax rebate in May.  But if we spend that money at Wal-Mart, it will all go to China.  If we spend it on gasoline, it will go to the Arabs; neither will help the American economy.
 

We need to keep that money here in America.  The only way to accomplish this is to buy beer, or spend it on porn or prostitution, since these are the only big businesses left in the U.S.
 

Let's all stand together on this.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 08, 2008, 12:55:19 PM
A Michigan Joke


A young woman in Cheboygan Michigan was so depressed that she decided to
end her life by throwing herself into the Straits. She went to the
Mackinaw Bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a
handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the rail, crying.  He took pity
on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in
the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take
good care of you and bring you food every day."   Moving closer, he
slipped his arm around her shoulder and added , "I'll keep you happy, and
you'll keep me happy."   The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have
to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her new meaning. 
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From
then on, every night, he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of
fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.  Three weeks later,
during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.  "What are
you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the
sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe , and he's
screwing me."   "He certainly is," the captain said.  "This is the
Mackinaw Island Ferry."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 08, 2008, 03:54:58 PM
Right off the bat...ha ha ha ha haha  I have to apologize .. hahahahaha  because this is NOT a lady like joke.. ( oh ..I forgot~~none of mine are  :P ) I had heard this before, but I laughed so hard again.....I HAVE to post it on here..  ;D

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much to large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out.
The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed.
Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

 "Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and knew what you were going through as she had the operation done herself."

 "Who is the third rose from?" she asked.

"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v467/TMB/BluebirdNut/Emoticons/AllEmoticons/LaughTilCry.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 08, 2008, 05:44:17 PM
Marshal'ette, that's disgusting!


Damn your good ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 08, 2008, 06:41:34 PM
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends.  Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his granddaughter.

 

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all.  Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.  When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?"

"Oh yes, PaPa" the girl replied, "and do you know what?  We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head anywhere we went today!"


Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it       :'(

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 08, 2008, 07:17:27 PM
I think that is because grandma doesn't know how to drive. ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dakotaranger on March 08, 2008, 10:44:35 PM
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her BMW, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her BMW, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her BMW, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Minnesota and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dakotaranger on March 09, 2008, 12:22:29 AM

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said,
"Give me your money."
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden
attack, said "You cannot do this,
I'm a United States Congressman!"
The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"
 
As seen on Comedy Central's website.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 09, 2008, 12:00:30 PM
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.


Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"

. . . . . After a moment of silence, he farted.



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 09, 2008, 05:23:18 PM
THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were
when they were growing up; what with walking
twenty-five miles to school every morning ... Uphill BOTH ways........
Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
there was no way in hell I was going to lay
a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it.
And how easy they've got it!
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of
thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
cildhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you just
don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the
Internet . If we wanted to know something,
we had to go to the musty dim lighted damn library and
look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write
somebody a letter with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street  and
put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to
steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the damned
 DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting!
 If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was!
It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your
bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you
just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video
games with high-resolution 3-D graphics!
We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and
'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square!
You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels
 or screens, it was just one screen....... Forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting
harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!
 Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such
thing as stadium seating!
All the seats were the same height!
 If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat
sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that
was only like 15 channels.
And there was no on screen menu and no remote
control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide
to find out what was on! You were screwed when it
came to channel surfing! You had to get off
your ass and walk over to the TV to change the
damn channel and there was no Cartoon Network either!
You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning.
 Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK
for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat
something up we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire ..
Imagine that! If we wanted modern new fangled popcorn, we had
 to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove
forever like an idiot. And the shit STILL burned. And we ate it!

That's exactly what I'm talking about!

You kids today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted
Five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,
The over 30 Crowd

 
 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 09, 2008, 07:48:57 PM
 Where's the joke ?  ??? ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 09, 2008, 09:19:41 PM
 :D I know.. but the wording of it kinda made me smile.. ( kinda)  :-\    ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 10, 2008, 06:15:22 AM
Names that should never be hyphenated!

http://cbs13.com/slideshows/Married.Names.Hyphenate.20.462840.html?rid=0
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 10, 2008, 06:44:17 PM
Damn....Marhall'ette! You had cable T.V. growing up? We had frickin Howdy Doody and Ed Sullivan and those stupid ass Space Ranger muppet-hung-by-strings thingys that flew through space and the smoke from the rockets always went up in the air instead of straight out behind the rocket. Halfway through the movie the sound would go out on the T.V. Ever tried to read a space ranger-hung-by-a-string-thingy mannnequins lips when you were ten years old? Geeezzz life sucked back then. I wonder if child suicide rate was higher back then ???

Cheers,
J.C.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 10, 2008, 06:49:45 PM
Changed my mind...Disapproved



Re-submit in 90 days for further disapproval
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 10, 2008, 06:56:37 PM
Hazcat, I never tire of that one ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 10, 2008, 11:13:25 PM
Outlaw.. Outlaw.. Outlaw... I just submitted the joke honey.. I didn't write it.
 I only WISH I was young enough to have had cable TV~~ LOL

No, we had a big huge antenna right outside the porch that daddy put up and we had 3 channels.. If you wanted to try to get a 4th one and the weather was just right.. he would go out.. climb up a ways on it and start to turn it. Mama would stand at the door and he and her would holler back and forth until the pic was as clear as it would get..
Sometimes it stayed that way and sometimes it would get fuzzy again.. But we had a TV (B&W) and we thought we were sh**in' in tall cotton.  ;D

((((((Ha ha ... ;D  me being young enough to have cable... ( THAT alone should be a joke of it's own.) LOL)))
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 10, 2008, 11:32:50 PM
Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a nice day to be moving"
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly"
Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That is right"
New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, Leads me to deduce that you have a family."
Neighbor 1: "Right again"
New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife"
Neighbor 1: "Correct"
New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual"
Neighbor 1: "Yup"
New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Cool"

Later that same day...

Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door"
Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job"
Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University"
Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 2: "No"
Neighbor 1: "Fag."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 11, 2008, 02:56:42 AM
We got three channels due to terrain and distance,EVERY BODY watched the same shows as there was no choice, Mr. Ed and My favorite Martian. ;D  and when Dad let go of the antenna you lost the 4th channel ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: SlickRob on March 11, 2008, 06:00:02 AM
Plus - the TV was heavy enough to hold down the house during a twister.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 11, 2008, 08:31:18 AM
Nice to know some of you folks are as old as I am. It's also nice to be able to remember that far back. ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 11, 2008, 08:56:53 AM
Nice to know some of you folks are as old as I am. It's also nice to be able to remember that far back. ;D

They say the first thing to go is ....uhhh...errrr....OH, look at the squirrel!  (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/schlafen/sleeping-smiley-005.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 11, 2008, 09:26:53 AM
Haz~~~ Would you do me a favor and check your family's genetic and hereditary background?
 I just KNOW that you and I are from the same warped strand... ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 11, 2008, 09:51:13 AM
Haz~~~ Would you do me a favor and check your family's genetic and hereditary background?
 I just KNOW that you and I are from the same warped strand... ;D ;D ;D

I'll show you my family tree / DNA if you show me yours! (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/aetsch/cheeky-smiley-005.gif) (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/aetsch/cheeky-smiley-023.gif) (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/huepfen/jumping-smiley-004.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 11, 2008, 10:17:41 AM
I'll show you my family tree / DNA if you show me yours! (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/aetsch/cheeky-smiley-005.gif) (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/aetsch/cheeky-smiley-023.gif) (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/huepfen/jumping-smiley-004.gif)

 :D  Ahhhh sweetheart~~~~There has been many who have wanted to do that... and look what happened to them..
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v467/TMB/BluebirdNut/Emoticons/AllEmoticons/thudpilegif.gif)
Ya sure you want to take the chance?   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 11, 2008, 10:25:05 AM
:D  Ahhhh sweetheart~~~~There has been many who have wanted to do that... and look what happened to them..
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v467/TMB/BluebirdNut/Emoticons/AllEmoticons/thudpilegif.gif)
Ya sure you want to take the chance?   ;D

Funny!  Iwas going to ask you the same thing...considering the smilies are a pretty good representation of my family tree! ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 11, 2008, 03:15:40 PM
Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 11, 2008, 03:43:33 PM


Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little shit, O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?'
That I did,' said Paddy. 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.'

 

*****************************************************
An Irishman who had a bit too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
'So,' says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'


***********************************************************************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'.
'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?'
'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda.' There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...'
'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'

'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.'
Finally, she looks up at Tim.
'How did it happen, Tim?'
'It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.'
'Oh, my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?'
'Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'


***********************************************************************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'
The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary? '
She says, 'He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun...''


***********************************************************************************************
THE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!'



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on March 11, 2008, 06:58:57 PM
    The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

    'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen
    it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, Senator Clinton says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

    He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering  subsides.

    The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

    The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever?  Show me."

    So the Pope slapped her.


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 11, 2008, 07:21:20 PM
A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on ..totally naked from the waist down.
 "Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
 "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.
This is your Grandma's idea."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: wisconsin on March 11, 2008, 07:34:57 PM
A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on ..totally naked from the waist down.
 "Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
 "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.
This is your Grandma's idea."


I was having just one of those days until I read this one. Keep them coming :) :) :) :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 12, 2008, 03:24:12 AM
I was having just one of those days until I read this one. Keep them coming :) :) :) :)


It's why I ALWAYS save this thread for last  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Crescendo on March 12, 2008, 08:38:57 AM

It's why I ALWAYS save this thread for last  ;D

It is indeed, a wonderful way to start the day !  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on March 12, 2008, 09:05:44 AM
A woman in her late 90's was being interviewed by the local newspaper about her life and she tells them she's been married 4 times, Her first was in her 20's, He was a Banker. The next was in her 40's He was a Circus Ringmaster. Her third was in her 60's This one was a Pastor and her 4th Husband she told the news paper was a Funeral director. When asked why the eclectic choice of husbands She simply smiled and said

One was for the money

Two was for the show

Three was to get ready

and Four to go... ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: howlrwy on March 12, 2008, 11:02:39 AM
Damn....Marhall'ette! You had cable T.V. growing up? We had frickin Howdy Doody and Ed Sullivan and those stupid ass Space Ranger muppet-hung-by-strings thingys that flew through space and the smoke from the rockets always went up in the air instead of straight out behind the rocket. Halfway through the movie the sound would go out on the T.V. Ever tried to read a space ranger-hung-by-a-string-thingy mannnequins lips when you were ten years old? Geeezzz life sucked back then. I wonder if child suicide rate was higher back then ???

Now you're making me feel old!  I remember the first family on the street who got a TV and we all went down to see it, but it had to be after 5PM because the only station in the SF Bay Area only came on at 5 and went off at 10.  Later when my dad got us a TV we still had limited hours, but we did have Crusader Rabbit, Flash Gordon, Howdy Doody, Cukla, Fran and Ollie...  Of course on Friday evenings my dad got to watch the Friday Night Fights brought by Gilette.  ;-)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 12, 2008, 11:06:43 AM
For all of you in education, with sons, grandsons, or who just love the things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words are often taken  literally.....

"Circumcised" (this is priceless!)

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.  He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his "private part" hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.

"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.
Title: re: classic Joke thread
Post by: Dakotaranger on March 12, 2008, 11:26:14 PM
This guy walks into a doctor's office and

He demands reception let him see the doc without an appointment, he says he hurts all over and he is a very important person, he must see the doctor now.

He sees the doc and says "I hurt everywhere." He touches his head "Ouch!". He touches his arm "Ouch!". Touches his leg"Ouch" The doc examines him, takes body fluid samples, does a full body x-ray and tells him to return tomorrow.

The next day the doc shares the results. He says "Well, all of the tests are in, but I need to ask you a question or two."

The guy says "OK, but hurry up, I'm a very important person and have important things to do."

Doc asks "Where do you work?"

Guy says "I'm a high level staffer at the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Ownership. Why?"

Doc says "Ah ha! I should have expected that. Your index finger is broken."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 12, 2008, 11:43:45 PM
Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning", let alone any "Happy Birthday."
 I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember.
"The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." I felt a little better. At least someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it is such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
 I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not."
 She said, "Good! Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.
 Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday.......and there I sat on the couch.......naked.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 12, 2008, 11:54:04 PM
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook
a venison steak.

But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....And since it was Lent, they
were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a
problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass, and as the priest
sprinkled holy water over him, he said,   "You were born a Baptist, and
raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved,  until Friday night arrived, and
the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and as he rushed into
Bubba's yard,  clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and
watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully
sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: You wuz born a deer, you wuz
raised a deer, but now you a catfish.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 13, 2008, 11:14:29 AM
This one may be borderline.  ???

Red Neck Pick Up Lines

 

1) Did you fart? Cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea, I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to check you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light
switch away.

8) Fat Penguin........ Sorry, I just wanted to say something that would
break the ice.

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me? I think he went into this cheap
motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as winder cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin', we kin sleep til afternoon.

And.... The best for last!


13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts
tighten up

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 13, 2008, 11:24:43 AM
I liked the Fat Penguin best. (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/aktion/action-smiley-036.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 13, 2008, 04:46:56 PM
I liked the Fat Penguin best. (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/aktion/action-smiley-036.gif)

You would  ::)...................sighhhhhhhhhh ::)

Guess which I liked best...  ;D
(http://www.gangsterbb.net/emoticons/fart.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 13, 2008, 05:16:57 PM
You would  ::)...................sighhhhhhhhhh ::)

Guess which I liked best...  ;D
(http://www.gangsterbb.net/emoticons/fart.gif)

#1 ?    :-*

They left one out.... #14.  Gee, to be fat you shore don't sweat much!   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 13, 2008, 05:28:03 PM
This from a friend of mine in Canada. Had to pass it on for laughs. ;D

This is not so funny as  it is  ridiculous.   Unfortunately, I dealt with
these same employees at Citi Bank 7 years ago when they bought out Canada
Trust / TD Master Card.  This shit actually happens.



Cancel your credit card.......... (Hilarious!) 

Now some people are really stupid!!!!

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless,
and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late
fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now
somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is
the exchange:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in
January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to
the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" (I really liked this
part!!!!)

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about
her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!)

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and late fees and charges still
apply." (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

 Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I
can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just
keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."(What is wrong
with these people?!?)

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet??
 :P
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...Another Blonde Joke...Sorry Marshal'ette
Post by: ellis4538 on March 13, 2008, 05:59:28 PM
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.  She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, How much will you charge me?"
 
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
 
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
 
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
 
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?
 
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
 
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
 
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
 
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

 Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
 

 "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 13, 2008, 09:42:05 PM
You would  ::)...................sighhhhhhhhhh ::)

Guess which I liked best...  ;D
(http://www.gangsterbb.net/emoticons/fart.gif)

C'mon Marshal'ette!  You HAD to like the penguin!  Unexpected, out of left field and the timing was perfect! (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/aktion/action-smiley-035.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 13, 2008, 10:56:43 PM
I actually did.. but you liked it, so I decided not to.. (http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/naanaa.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Crescendo on March 13, 2008, 11:24:40 PM
Some of my best friends are penguin's !!  :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 14, 2008, 12:12:50 AM
A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
 "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he doesn't have no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
 "You bastard!!!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids!!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 14, 2008, 12:25:43 AM
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a damned duck!"

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on March 14, 2008, 09:23:58 AM
POSSIBLY THE VERY BEST CHICKEN JOKE EVER:

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit disgusted, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, 'Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!'



If anyone needs it explained - read it a second time.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 14, 2008, 10:00:56 AM
A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM DILLION, MONTANA, COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING. 
 
THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY ALL OF HIS LIFE.
 
WHEN HE DIED, AT THE AGE OF 103, HE LEFT BEHIND:
 
14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRAND-CHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN,
 
AND A 30 FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 14, 2008, 01:33:00 PM
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She  thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good  job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into Town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One  o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found  the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, Waiting for  him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she  asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and  placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned  it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dakotaranger on March 14, 2008, 11:20:41 PM
... ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 15, 2008, 10:41:11 AM
A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee
for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to
$500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts
for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and
model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, " I have an idea. It's so sheer that it
might as well be wearing nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the
modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."

 She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.  The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least
iron it!"........


He never heard the shot.
Funeral on THURSDAY at Noon. Closed coffin
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 15, 2008, 10:44:04 AM
A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee
for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to
$500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts
for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and
model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, " I have an idea. It's so sheer that it
might as well be wearing nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the
modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."

 She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.  The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least
iron it!"........


He never heard the shot.
Funeral on THURSDAY at Noon. Closed coffin


The moral of this is first impressions should be kept to yourself !       ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 16, 2008, 09:33:40 AM
In response to complaints from Reverends Al Sharpton and Jessie Jackson that
 there are not enough Black and Hispanic   
people appearing on TV, FOX has decided that, in the future, 'America's Most
 Wanted' will be shown twice weekly.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 16, 2008, 12:59:31 PM
In response to complaints from Reverends Al Sharpton and Jessie Jackson that
 there are not enough Black and Hispanic  
people appearing on TV, FOX has decided that, in the future, 'America's Most
 Wanted' will be shown twice weekly.


Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton would be on TV more often if there were an "Americas least wanted"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 16, 2008, 07:07:41 PM
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women.
Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.
"Think about this...
 When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around,
then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?


(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/goof.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 16, 2008, 08:52:51 PM
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women.
Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.
"Think about this...
 When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around,
then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?


(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/goof.gif)

(http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/sehrgrosse/large-smiley-007.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 17, 2008, 03:55:18 PM
A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa , taking his faithful, elderly Jack Russell named Killer , along for the company.   

One day the old Jack Russell starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost.
Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

 The old Jack Russell thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old Jack Russell exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

 Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old Jack Russell nearly had me!"

 Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old Jack Russell sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

 The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old Jack Russell sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Jack Russell says...
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard !


Moral of this story... 

Don't mess with the old dogs...
Age and Skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull-Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 17, 2008, 04:01:08 PM

Don't mess with the old dogs...
Age and Skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull-Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience
.



Mustn't... have to stop...don't say....biting tongue....AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG!! (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/sprachlos/speechless-smiley-037.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 17, 2008, 04:44:46 PM
Oh go ahead and say it..
Just admit that you have an overload of the (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v467/TMB/BluebirdNut/Emoticons/AllEmoticons/hah.gif)"BS & BRILLIANCE " part. 

Everyone in here already knows it, so it's no big surprise.. (http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/tease.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 17, 2008, 04:53:30 PM
Oh go ahead and say it..
Just admit that you have an overload of the (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v467/TMB/BluebirdNut/Emoticons/AllEmoticons/hah.gif)"BS & BRILLIANCE " part. 

Everyone in here already knows it, so it's no big surprise.. (http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/tease.gif)


I do believe that I have been hoisted with my own petard! (http://www.mazeguy.net/surprised/footinmouth.gif)(http://www.mazeguy.net/surprised/flamed.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on March 17, 2008, 07:58:20 PM
I do believe that I have been hoisted with my own petard! (http://www.mazeguy.net/surprised/footinmouth.gif)(http://www.mazeguy.net/surprised/flamed.gif)


Better than being hoisted on someone else's petard.

Unless you're into that?

I mean, you went out to get all them cutesy smileys, I figured you had become one of them met-ro-sex-ual types.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 17, 2008, 08:04:30 PM
Better than being hoisted on someone else's petard.

Unless you're into that?

I mean, you went out to get all them cutesy smileys, I figured you had become one of them met-ro-sex-ual types.

AHEM!  Just because I am computer literate does NOT mean I am light in my loafers!

(Yeah, I know you were just yankin' my chain, Path)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Mig214 on March 18, 2008, 01:16:26 AM

I mean, you went out to get all them cutesy smileys, I figured you had become one of them met-ro-sex-ual types.

Q: What's the difference between a metro-sexual with his boyfriend in a BMW and a porcupine?

A: With the porcupine the pricks are on the outside   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 18, 2008, 03:27:21 AM
News flash; Sharks DO bite lawyers, happened a couple years ago when they had that rash of shark attacks, might have been an accident though, the lawyer lived. No word on the shark.    ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 18, 2008, 10:54:07 AM
Two 90-year-old men..Bob & Mike, had been friends all of their
lives. When it was clear that Bob was dying, Mike visited him every day.

One day Mike said, "Bob, we both loved playing baseball
all our lives, and we played it all through high school. Please do me
one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball there."

Bob looked up at Mike from his deathbed, "Mike ,you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Bob passed on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike was awakened from a
sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him," Bob...Bob!."

"Who is it?' asked Mike, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike --it's me, Bob."

"You're not Bob. Bob just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Bob," insisted the voice.

"Bob!!! ... How are you.. I mean..Where are you.??"

"In Heaven,' replied Bob. "I have some really good news and a
little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Mike.

"The good news,' Bob said, "is that there's baseball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," said Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So
what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on March 18, 2008, 01:35:25 PM
You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, 'One nation, under God.'
You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.
You might be a redneck if: You still say 'Christmas' instead of 'Winter Festival.'
You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays.
You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.
You might be a redneck if: You treat all veterans with great respect, and always have.
You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an American flag.
You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.
You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.
You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend..
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tumblebug on March 18, 2008, 05:55:49 PM
 Diff between hookers & lawyers [hooker will stop screwing you after death]
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 18, 2008, 08:15:11 PM
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would
 now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.
 With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
 If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.
  But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer,
 then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund, you would have had $214.00.
 Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
 It's called the 401-Keg

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 18, 2008, 08:19:53 PM
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would
 now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.
 With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
 If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.
  But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer,
 then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund, you would have had $214.00.
 Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
 It's called the 401-Keg



OH, MAMA!(http://www.mazeguy.net/silly/eyebrows.gif)

Thats my kind of 'investing'!(http://www.mazeguy.net/silly/burp.gif)(http://www.mazeguy.net/silly/drunk.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 18, 2008, 10:23:06 PM

G. W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As   
they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word
was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would
turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had
Clinton in his chair reached for the after shave.

Clinton was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell   
that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'

The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you?'
Bush replied, 'Go ahead, my wife Laura doesn't know what the inside of   
a whorehouse smells like.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on March 18, 2008, 11:08:44 PM
Not a joke, but a humorous true story:

Summer of 2003 (if memory serves) President Bush came to Minnesota.  Somehow the MN Cattleman's Association got left off the list, and at the last minute there was an opportunity for them to attend.  Steve Brake (sp?), President of MN Cattleman that year, received the call that the cattlemen were to be included and when and where he needed to report.  He questioned how many could come, and he was told ONE - only him.  He asked about his wife and family, and he was told "ONLY  YOU!"

The day arrived and Steve showed up at the airport in his best shirt and tie, starched blue jeans, freshly polished boots and formal cowboy hat.  As he was checked in by FBI and Secret Service and worked his way through the levels of security, he noticed vans and buses full of Soybean Association and Corn Growers reps piling out, and pretty soon there were the Pork Producers and representatives from every group involved with agriculture in Minnesota.  They came in business casual to full suits, baseball caps and bare heads, but the common denominator was they were all in groups.  There stood Steve all by himself, and wearing the only full brimmed hat in the area.

As time passes and the crowd grew, the jabs started.  It didn't take long for others to realize Steve was alone, and both he and the cattle producers became the butt of many jokes until the moment.  Without warning a Secret Service agent, in the classic black suit and ear piece, with his back to the crowd and without making a move calmly stated "It only takes one MAN in a cowboy hat to get the job done."

This brought an end to all jokes.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dakotaranger on March 18, 2008, 11:27:05 PM
'
Not a joke, but a humorous true story:


Ain't that the truth
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on March 19, 2008, 02:50:05 AM
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair; she lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior, "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was ," sighed the Sister."And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to
Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blasp heme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling,
and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the f****** putt, didn't you?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 19, 2008, 03:45:21 AM
Not a joke, but a humorous true story:



Gee, I wonder where that secret service agent grew up ?  ;D
TAB, that ranks right up there with some of M'ettes  ;D
This thread ALWAYS improves my day !
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 19, 2008, 10:06:05 AM
Ohhhh Tab~~~~~~~~~ ;D
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/forum/cryinglaughing.gif)

That was just a hoot. I horse laughed out loud on that one. I have to send that to my son and my mom..
Ha Ha ha..that is funny.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 19, 2008, 11:34:06 AM
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you,
his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG which is God spelled backwards.

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride.
They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration.
Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are.
The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that
they were NOT the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased
And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.


(http://www.downrange.tv/images/catfinger.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 19, 2008, 12:15:04 PM
OH!  How true!  Maybe with an ego like mine (http://www.mazeguy.net/silly/smirk.gif) that's why I am a cat guy. (http://www.mazeguy.net/animal/cat.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 19, 2008, 01:05:27 PM
And can your 'handsome guy' maneuver is finger  like this cat can?  I am sure he has watched his owner a time or two.
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Diplomat on March 20, 2008, 12:51:58 AM
Okay I'll play.


A dog is truly man's best friend. If you don't believe it, try this experiment:


Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 20, 2008, 07:51:17 AM
If my wife was like Marshal'ette I AIN'T opening that trunk.(http://www.mazeguy.net/angry/timebomb.gif)  I KNOW she has a 'hide out' or two on her. (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/waffen/violent-smiley-004.gif)(http://www.mazeguy.net/sad/ouch.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on March 20, 2008, 09:04:15 AM
Sven and Ole were running down the street ...

Sven ran into the bar ...

Ole ducked  ???
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 20, 2008, 10:43:00 AM
After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a note in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Kennedy opened the note, which appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H.

Kennedy was baffled, so he E-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help.

Within a few seconds, the Marines cabled back with this reply: "Tell Kennedy he is holding the message upside down."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Marshal Halloway on March 20, 2008, 10:51:14 AM
A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money.
Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked,
"Did you see me rob this bank?"                                                                     
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."                                                                                 
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.                       
                                                                                       
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man,
"Did you see me rob this bank?"                                                           
                                                                                       
The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."



---Did I REALLY just post this?? (http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/blackeye.gif)  If you don't hear from me for awhile............................... well------ you know. (http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/erst060.gif)

(Start sending me your prayers. Immediately.  )(http://www.cascity.com/howard/forum/angel.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 20, 2008, 10:56:29 AM
Marshal,

I hope you like soft foods. (http://www.mazeguy.net/expressive/fight.gif)

And I'm (http://www.mazeguy.net/expressive/pray.gif) for ya!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 20, 2008, 11:29:35 AM
Marshal,
You need to pay attention to this one.

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big
bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everythingthere was.< /B>

 

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?' Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!'



The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 20, 2008, 11:41:33 AM

Marshal,

You need to pay attention to this one.

 Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.



Thought I might repeat that for ya, Marshall.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Marshal Halloway on March 20, 2008, 12:00:08 PM

I know. I think I am on "getting it wrong" #4 so far today... and the day ain't over yet.  ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 20, 2008, 01:01:25 PM
A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money.
Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked,
"Did you see me rob this bank?"                                                                     
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."                                                                                 
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.                      
                                                                                       
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man,
"Did you see me rob this bank?"                                                          
                                                                                       
The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."



---Did I REALLY just post this?? (http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/blackeye.gif)  If you don't hear from me for awhile............................... well------ you know. (http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/erst060.gif)

(Start sending me your prayers. Immediately.  )(http://www.cascity.com/howard/forum/angel.gif)

WOW, Welcome to the club with Haz, Mac, and I. do any of you know how to play bridge, shall we go for team cribbage or wait for one more and play poker ?  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 20, 2008, 01:07:25 PM
WOW, Welcome to the club with Haz, Mac, and I. do any of you know how to play bridge, shall we go for team cribbage or wait for one more and play poker ?  ;D

Poker, defiantly poke her. (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/teufel/devil-smiley-027.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on March 21, 2008, 09:39:28 AM
RECENT STUDY FOUND OUT WHICH DAYS MEN PREFER TO HAVE SEX. IT WAS FOUND THAT MEN PREFERRED TO ENGAGE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY ON THE DAYS THAT STARTED WITH THE LETTER 'T'.

EXAMPLES

TUESDAY
THURSDAY
TODAY
TOMORROW
THANKSGIVING
THATURDAY
THUNDAY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A RECENT SURVEY WAS CONDUCTED ALSO TO DISCOVER WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT HERE ARE THE SURVEY RESULTS:
5% SAID IT WAS TO GET A GLASS OF WATER
12% SAID IT WAS TO GO TO THE BATHROOM
83% SAID IT WAS TO GO HOME
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE PERFECT BREAKFAST...AS A MAN SEES IT.....YOU'RE SITTING AT THE
TABLE AND YOUR SON IS ON THE COVER OF WHEATIES......
YOUR MISTRESS IS ON THE COVER OF PLAYBOY........
AND YOUR WIFE IS ON THE BACK OF THE MILK CARTON.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE BEST FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL AFTER 50?
NUDITY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
ABOUT 45 LBS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BOYFRIEND AND A HUSBAND?
ABOUT 45 MINUTES
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE FASTEST WAY TO A MAN'S HEART?
THROUGH HIS CHEST WITH A REALLY SHARP KNIFE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S TH E DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SOUTHERN ZOO AND A NORTHERN ZOO?
A SOUTHERN ZOO HAS A DESCRIPTION OF THE ANIMAL ON THE FRONT OF THE CAGE, ALONG WITH A RECIPE.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE CUBAN NATIONAL ANTHEM?
ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT........
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A NORTHERN FAIRYTALE AND A SOUTHERN FAIRYTALE ?

A NORTHERN FAIRYTALE BEGINS 'ONCE UPON A TIME.....'
AND A SOUTHERN FAIRY TLE BEGINS..........

'Y'ALL AIN'T GONNA BELIEVE THIS SHIT


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Marshal Halloway on March 21, 2008, 10:34:40 AM
DATING RITUALS

WHITE  WOMEN
 
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
 Second date: You get to  grope all over and make out.
 Third date: You get to have sex, but only in the missionary position.
 
 
IRISH  WOMEN
 
First  Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
 Second  Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th  Anniversary:  You both get blind drunk and have sex.
 
 
ITALIAN   WOMEN
 
First  Date: You take her  to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second   Date: You  meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and  insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary:  You find yourself a girlfriend.
 
 
 
 JEWISH WOMEN
 
First Date: You get  dynamite head.
 Second Date: You get more  great head.
 Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
 
 
 
CHINESE WOMEN
 
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't  even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.
 
 
 
INDIAN WOMEN
 
First date: Meet her parents.
 Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding  night.
 
 
 
BLACK  WOMEN
 
1st Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
2nd Date: You get to  buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
3rd Date: You get to  pay her rent.
10th Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.
 
 
 
MEXICAN  WOMEN
 
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of  her car.
 Second Date: She's  pregnant.
Third  Date: She moves in.  One week later ~ her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their  kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move  in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your  home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.
 

The POINT?
 

DON'T  YOU JUST LOVE IRISH  WOMEN?
;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 21, 2008, 10:50:14 AM
Ya know Marshal?? sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..
 You are starting out your weekend walking on very very thin ice.. >:(
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 21, 2008, 10:53:29 AM
Ya know Marshal?? sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..
 You are starting out your weekend walking on very very thin ice.. >:(

Maybe but the water is starting to warm up! (http://www.mazeguy.net/expressive/cold.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 21, 2008, 10:59:56 AM
Marshal,

Where is the paragraph about Norwegian / Scandinavian girls?  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 21, 2008, 11:59:30 AM
A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.
Since he was in a good mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.

 So, he asks the man his name." Fred" he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred" the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
 The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies... "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."

 The officer let him go without even a warning.  ;D


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 21, 2008, 01:14:21 PM
Ya know Marshal?? sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..
 You are starting out your weekend walking on very very thin ice.. >:(


Hey Haz, aren't you glad YOU didn't post that joke, I know I am .         
  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 21, 2008, 01:17:18 PM

Hey Haz, aren't you glad YOU didn't post that joke, I know I am .                   
;D

Shhh (http://www.mazeguy.net/expressive/shhh.gif) I'm trying to lay low own this one. (http://www.mazeguy.net/silly/shiftyeyes.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on March 21, 2008, 03:38:13 PM
Blame this one on the "Warden's" warning on the other thread (  NO, "Hey Dudes.. hold my beer and watch this"  target practicing after dark):

How do you tell the difference between a California driver and a Minnesota driver?

When a Californian slips and slides on the ice they scream and pee their pants.

When a Minnesotan slips and slides they say "Here ... hold my beer and watch this!"

Sorry, but it is much more fun when your sliding through the ditch.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 21, 2008, 04:20:42 PM
Blame this one on the "Warden's" warning on the other thread (  NO, "Hey Dudes.. hold my beer and watch this"  target practicing after dark):

How do you tell the difference between a California driver and a Minnesota driver?

When a Californian slips and slides on the ice they scream and pee their pants.

When a Minnesotan slips and slides they say "Here ... hold my beer and watch this!"

Sorry, but it is much more fun when your sliding through the ditch.

In NH we do that in mall parking lots   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on March 21, 2008, 06:13:48 PM
Ya know Marshal?? sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..
 You are starting out your weekend walking on very very thin ice.. >:(

Whatsa matter, M'ette, you ain't Irish??   ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on March 21, 2008, 09:46:28 PM
Whatsa matter, M'ette, you ain't Irish??   ;D ;D ;D ;D

Maybe She is... :o :o :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 22, 2008, 02:07:39 AM
A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was bitched at for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

 Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see ME for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be just fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dakotaranger on March 22, 2008, 02:23:02 AM
A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was bitched at for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

 Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see ME for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be just fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.


If it were me I'd rather not hear her for two or three days.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 22, 2008, 06:26:17 PM
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.  Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check ."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.  But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.  But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

  The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.  Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
 
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"


See -  Men just don't listen!

 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 22, 2008, 06:28:47 PM
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.
 
As Ben Franklin said:  In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials,
scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at
the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of
Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are
consuming 1 kilo of poop.
 
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum,
whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification
process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
 
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water
and be full of crap.
 
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:  I'm doing it as
 a public service.

 




Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 22, 2008, 06:54:47 PM
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.
 
As Ben Franklin said:  In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials,
scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at
the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of
Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are
consuming 1 kilo of poop.
 
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum,
whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification
process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
 
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water
and be full of crap.
 
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:  I'm doing it as
 a public service.

 






I'll toast to that! (http://www.mazeguy.net/expressive/proposetoast.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on March 23, 2008, 01:58:02 AM
I'll toast to anything!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 23, 2008, 03:04:28 PM
A bus stops and 2 men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is
galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together.  I come
once-a-more!  Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more,
'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly.
'In this country. we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man.
'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how
to spell ' Mississippi '.'


 $ 5.00 says you're gonna read this again!


  ;D

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 23, 2008, 03:06:48 PM
A bus stops and 2 men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is
galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together.  I come
once-a-more!  Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more,
'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly.
'In this country. we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man.
'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how
to spell ' Mississippi '.'


 $ 5.00 says you're gonna read this again!


  ;D



I owe ya! (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/sauer/angry-smiley-004.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on March 23, 2008, 08:01:05 PM
Yep....... five it is
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 23, 2008, 10:35:00 PM
Wow, $15 bucks so far, your raking it in on that joke  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 23, 2008, 10:39:01 PM
In reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him.
 The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, "And why don't you get me a whiskey you bitch."
The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whiskey for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee.
 As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whiskey you slut."
Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whiskey but still no coffee for the man.
 Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrots approach, "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I expect you to get it for me right now or I'm going to slap that disgustingly ugly face of yours!"
 Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by 2 burly stewards.
 Plunging downwards to the ground the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who can't fly, you sure are a lippy bastard... "


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 24, 2008, 11:47:34 AM
Anybody got change for a twenty? ???
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on March 24, 2008, 11:48:51 AM
Just send her the 20, and we'll owe ya ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 24, 2008, 11:53:24 AM
This Priest was walking down town one day and this "lady" comes up to him
and asks "How bout a quickie, Father", he said "No" and walked a little
farther when another "lady" stops him and asks "How bout a quickie, Father"
and again he replies "No" and continues his walk.  When he gets back to the
parish he meets one of the nuns and he says "Sister, what's a Quickie? "and
she replies, 50 cents, same as it is down town.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 24, 2008, 12:26:18 PM
Teresa, You owe me $5.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 24, 2008, 12:36:11 PM
That's okay.. I can pay you and still be ahead. LOL
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ichiban on March 24, 2008, 02:52:25 PM
Dan was a single guy living at home with his
Father and working in the family business. When he found out he was
Going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he
Needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted
The most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his
Breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said
To her, "But in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit
20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card
And three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than Men.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 24, 2008, 04:10:13 PM
Evil Wench >:(

Thought I'd better clean this up.  Not you Teresa, The lady in the last joke :-[
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 24, 2008, 04:13:27 PM
Evil Wench >:(

+ 10!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 24, 2008, 06:02:35 PM
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant t seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.


He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of t he creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid head against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on March 25, 2008, 11:39:01 AM
Dear Abby,

I am a 60-year-old woman who is married to a man who acts like he hates me. In public, he pretends he loves me and talks about how wonderful I am. But in private, he shakes his finger in my face and calls me the "B" word. He constantly tells me how ugly I am without make-up. I've tried everything, including a face-lift, botox treatments, and a chin tuck. I even went on a diet and lost 20 pounds.

He quit his job a few years ago after having an affair with a woman in his office. He hasn't even looked for another job. We haven't slept together since I confronted him about the affair. He denied it, of course, but everybody knew it. It was humiliating. I believe he is still messing around.

While we both want to sell this house, we argue constantly about when to put it on the market. The house we want will be available in a few months. My husband wants to put our house on the market now. I think we should wait a while. He has already started collecting boxes and packing up his stuff. Do you think he is planning to leave me?

Signed, Worried in NY






Dear Worried in NY:

I doubt it. He wants to move back into the White House as much as you do.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 25, 2008, 02:25:42 PM
There was a man who had worked all his life, had
saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his
money.
 
  Just before he died, he said to his wife..."When
I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.
I want to  take my money to the afterlife with me."
 
  And so he got his wife to promise him, with all
of her heart, that when he died, she would put  all of the money into
the casket with him.
 
  Well, he died. He was stretched out in the
casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend
was sitting next to her.  When they finished the ceremony, and just
before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
 
  "Wait just a moment!"
  She had a small metal box with her; she came
over with the box  and put  it in the casket. Then the undertakers
locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,
 
  "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put
all that money in there with your husband."
 
  The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a
Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going
to put that money into the casket with him."
 
  You mean to tell me you put that money in the
casket with him!?!?!?"

  "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all
together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check....
If he can cash it, then he can spend it."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 25, 2008, 02:38:38 PM
An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked
the waitress for a cup of coffee.   
 
The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, 
"Is that Jesus sitting over there?"
 
The waitress nodded "yes,".. so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of
coffee on him.
 
The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He
shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a
cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked,
 "Is that Jesus over there?"
 
The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea,
"My treat."
 
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He
hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered,
 "Hey there, sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!"

He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked,
 "Is that God's boy over there?"
 
The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold
glass of Coke, "On my bill."
 
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said,
"For your kindness, you are healed."
 
The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a
jig out the door.
 
Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your
kindness, you are healed."
 
The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands,
praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.
 
Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. 
  The Redneck jumped up and yelled,   
"Don't touch me...I'm drawin' disability."

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 25, 2008, 02:57:23 PM
CLASSIC Redneck!!  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on March 25, 2008, 07:50:59 PM
hillery and obama are on the same ship in the middle of the ocean, The ship sinks, Who is saved?...
Scroll down














AMERICA!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 26, 2008, 11:49:39 AM
Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor' s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.
Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: SlickRob on March 26, 2008, 09:55:39 PM
OK Marshal'ette, here's a cute one for ya.

Saturday was always daddy's day with his young daughter.  On this Saturday he had some errands, and took her along.  One of the stops was at the barbers.  When he was called to the chair he gave his daughter a snack to keep her occupied.

A few minutes later she went to stand beside her daddy.  The old barber looked down and said, "Now sweetheart, you know you're going to get hair on your twinkie."

She looked up and said, "Uh huh, and I'm gonna get boobies too!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 27, 2008, 02:13:41 AM
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit."


 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 27, 2008, 02:42:01 AM
Some one just E-Mailed me a bunch of blonde jokes, But I'm not going to post them because Marshal'ette was kind enough to pull my name for a Ruger shirt and HAZCAT got me in enough trouble last weekend , How the HECK are we going to get ALL those car parts off the roof Haz?  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 27, 2008, 02:45:47 AM
Well maybe ONE,  This lady goes to see her Blonde freind who has 2 new dogs. The friend asks the dogs names and the blonde answers,"This one is Rolex and that one is Timex." The friend says" Why did you give them dumb names like that?" The blonde answers, "HELLOO OO, They're watch dogs."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 27, 2008, 06:15:46 AM
Some one just E-Mailed me a bunch of blonde jokes, But I'm not going to post them because Marshal'ette was kind enough to pull my name for a Ruger shirt and HAZCAT got me in enough trouble last weekend , How the HECK are we going to get ALL those car parts off the roof Haz?  ;D

Well, (http://www.mazeguy.net/expressive/scratchchin.gif) what we need is something to 'rake' the roof clean.

Hmmmm.....I got it! (http://www.mazeguy.net/expressive/brainiac.gif)  Chain shot fired at the same angle as the roof! (http://www.mazeguy.net/employed/pirate.gif)


Yeah, that should do it!(http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/huepfen/jumping-smiley-012.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 27, 2008, 10:10:48 AM
Some one just E-Mailed me a bunch of blonde jokes, But I'm not going to post them because Marshal'ette was kind enough to pull my name for a Ruger shirt and HAZCAT got me in enough trouble last weekend , How the HECK are we going to get ALL those car parts off the roof Haz?  ;D

Tom... you probably couldn't put any on here that I haven't heard ( or told myself)  ;D ;D

Well, (http://www.mazeguy.net/expressive/scratchchin.gif) what we need is something to 'rake' the roof clean.

Hmmmm.....I got it! (http://www.mazeguy.net/expressive/brainiac.gif)  Chain shot fired at the same angle as the roof! (http://www.mazeguy.net/employed/pirate.gif)


Yeah, that should do it!(http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/huepfen/jumping-smiley-012.gif)

THAT IS IT!!! >:(

MARSHAL!~~~~~~~~~~~~ (http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/116.gif)
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/105.gif)

And if that don't work to straighten him up and you let him out too early.. then I'll catch him later...

(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/108.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 27, 2008, 10:16:53 AM

UH OH!!! (http://www.mazeguy.net/surprised/jaw-dropping.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 27, 2008, 10:55:38 AM
Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge,
so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.
 
At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she
was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
 
When Walt was finished, Mary asked 'How much for that faucet?'
Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'
'My goodness, that sure is a lot of money!' Mary exclaimed.
 
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her
to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.
 
From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'
Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'
 
This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot .
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 27, 2008, 11:27:39 AM
Tom... you probably couldn't put any on here that I haven't heard ( or told myself)  ;D ;D

OK,  Blonde takes her car to the shop and tells the Mechanic it keeps sputtering and stalling. After he's been under the hood for a while she comes over and asks "Whats the story?" he tells her"Just crap in the carbutator." The blonde answers "OK, How often?"

Haz, I can get you a good deal on a file and a crash helmet ;D



THAT IS IT!!! >:(

MARSHAL!~~~~~~~~~~~~ (http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/116.gif)
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/105.gif)

And if that don't work to straighten him up and you let him out too early.. then I'll catch him later...

(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/108.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 27, 2008, 11:43:00 AM

Haz, I can get you a good deal on a file and a crash helmet ;D


Gee!  What a pal! ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 27, 2008, 06:59:34 PM
A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn't in bed with her.
She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

 "What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
 "Yes, I do," she replies smiling.
Sniffling a little bit he continues.. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that, too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on March 27, 2008, 10:53:53 PM
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the
stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk.  I've heard that
flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
passenger.'
<>
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said
to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
<>
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger.  'How about nuclear power?'
and he smiles. 
<>
'OK, ' she said.  'That could be an interesting topic. But let me
ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass -  Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do
you suppose that is?'
<>
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says,
<> 
'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies,
<> 
'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't
know shit?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 28, 2008, 12:27:35 AM
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs
 to file her taxes.

 The accountant says, 'Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few question.
 He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, 'What is your occupation?'
 
'I'm a whore,' she says.
 
The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, 'No, No, No, that won't work.
Let's try to rephrase that'
 
The woman says 'OK, I'm a high-end call girl'.
 
'No, that still won't work. Try again.'
 
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, 'I'm an elite chicken farmer.'
 
The accountant asks, 'What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?'
 
"Well", she said,"I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
 
'Chicken Farmer it is.'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 28, 2008, 01:44:48 AM
Gee!  What a pal! ::)

I try to be helpful  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bigpops on March 28, 2008, 12:07:16 PM
Two gay guys are standing at seperate urinals in the mens room.

One looks at the others privates, notices something odd and says "oohh, what happened to you?  Why the Band-aide?

The other replies "That's no Band-aide......it's the "patch"....I am down to two butts a day!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Grizzle_Bear on March 28, 2008, 01:27:38 PM
The other replies "That's no Band-aide......it's the "patch"....I am down to two butts a day!


DING! DING! DING! DING!

We have a winner for worst joke of the thread!


Grizzle Bear

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 28, 2008, 01:28:59 PM
But I smiled...  ;D
 and then I smiled bigger after the Ding Ding Ding Ding.. LOL
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ichiban on March 28, 2008, 01:39:05 PM
A woman decides to have a face-lift for her 50th birthday. She Spends

$5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she

stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the

clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I

am?"


"About 32," is the reply.


"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.


A little while later she goes into McDonald 's and asks the counter girl the
very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29."


The woman replies, "Nope. I'm 50."


Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store

on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some

mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh,

I'd say 30."


Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you."


While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her
the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm almost 70 and my eye sight is going.
Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your
bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."


They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best

of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."


He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around

very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast... He

gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says,
"Okay,okay...How old am I?"


He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and

says. "Madam, you are 50."


Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?'


The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?"


"I promise I won't." she says.


He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 29, 2008, 09:04:44 PM
A man, returning home a day early from a
business trip, got into a taxi> at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his
home, he> asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife
was> having an affair, and he intended to catch her in the act.>> For $100, the
cabby agreed.>> Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and the cabby tiptoed
into> the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back>
and there was his wife in bed with another man.>> The husband put a gun to the
naked man's head. The wife shouted, 'Don't> do it! This man has been very
generous! I lied when I told you I> inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I
gave you. He paid for our> new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Pittsburgh
Steeler tickets.> He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country
club> membership, and he even pays for the month ly dues!'>> Shaking his head
from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun.> He looked over at the
cabby and said, 'What would you do?'>> The cabby said, 'I'd cover his ass with
that blanket before he catches a> cold.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on March 29, 2008, 09:31:04 PM
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.  The guy knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense he walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." 

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."


Here's the easy out to your fashion image Michael  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on March 29, 2008, 09:51:30 PM
The Reverends Jesse  Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary
school class, found  themselves in the middle of a discussion related to
words and their  meanings.

The teacher asked  both men if they would like to lead the discussion of
the word "tragedy".  So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for
an example of a  "tragedy".

One little boy  stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in  the field and a runaway tractor comes along and
knocks him dead,  that would be a tragedy."

"No," says the Great  Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

A little girl  raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove over a cliff,  killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not,"  explains the exalted Reverend Al. "That's what we
would call a great  loss." The room goes silent. No other children
volunteer.

Reverend Al  searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can
give me an example  of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back  of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a
stern voice he  says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and
Sharpton were  struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would
be a  tragedy."

Fantastic!"  exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can
you tell me why  that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says little  Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a
great loss, and it  probably wouldn't be an accident either."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on March 29, 2008, 10:03:03 PM
Handy  Household  Cleaning  Tip

1.  Place 1/8 cup shampoo in the toilet;

2.  Place cat in toilet and QUICKLY close the lid;

3.  Stand on the lid;

Note:  Don't be concerned by the splashing and noises from the toilet - the cat loves this.

4.  Flush toilet three or four times to rinse;

5.  Have an assistant open the bathroom door and front door to house while clearing all people from the path between the two;

6.  Position yourself as far behind the toilet as possible;

7.  Quickly raise the lid;

The cat will exit the house and dry himself in the front yard - Don't worry - This is a completely natural act!

You will find that you not only have the cleanest toilet in the neighborhood, but your cat is shiny clean and fresh smelling. 
You also were able to do this without any sweat on your part.

This handy tip brought to you by ....


The  Dog
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on March 29, 2008, 10:09:00 PM
Handy  Household  Cleaning  Tip

1.  Place 1/8 cup shampoo in the toilet;

2.  Place cat in toilet and QUICKLY close the lid;

3.  Stand on the lid;

Note:  Don't be concerned by the splashing and noises from the toilet - the cat loves this.

4.  Flush toilet three or four times to rinse;

5.  Have an assistant open the bathroom door and front door to house while clearing all people from the path between the two;

6.  Position yourself as far behind the toilet as possible;

7.  Quickly raise the lid;

The cat will exit the house and dry himself in the front yard - Don't worry - This is a completely natural act!

You will find that you not only have the cleanest toilet in the neighborhood, but your cat is shiny clean and fresh smelling. 
You also were able to do this without any sweat on your part.

This handy tip brought to you by ....


The  Dog

Haz's normal Saturday night activities, I would say.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 29, 2008, 11:11:37 PM
Haz's normal Saturday night activities, I would say.

Yep he is shiny clean form the toilet scrubbing .. isn't that right Haz...
Haz?
Hazcat? You there?
HAZ?? ?? ?? ??
HAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ !!

Crap... ! Somebody get to the bathroom..Quick!  We forgot to lift the lid to let him out!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 30, 2008, 02:05:07 AM

Yep he is shiny clean form the toilet scrubbing .. isn't that right Haz...
Haz?
Hazcat? You there?
HAZ?? ?? ?? ??
HAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ !!

Crap... ! Somebody get to the bathroom..Quick!  We forgot to lift the lid to let him out!


Don't block the door, he has claws and a GUN !
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Neon Knight Anubis on March 30, 2008, 03:32:08 AM
Don't block the door, he has claws and a GUN !

Quick! Anybody have any catnip?!

Oh and before we all get mauled I owe Marshal'ette for the Mississippi joke, 500yen okay?

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 30, 2008, 06:34:35 AM
(http://i125.photobucket.com/albums/p78/hazcater/Fun%20Stuff/catbath.jpg)

You'll pay for this!! (http://www.mazeguy.net/angry/punch.gif)...........You will ALL pay for this!! (http://www.mazeguy.net/angry/hissyfit.gif) (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/teufel/devil-smiley-033.gif)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 30, 2008, 06:46:19 AM
HEY GUYY(http://www.mazeguy.net/musical/note.gif)(http://www.mazeguy.net/musical/note.gif)YYYYS.... (M58, M'ette, Tom, Path, Anubis) I've got a friend that REALLY wants to meet y'all...(http://www.mazeguy.net/angry/mischievous.gif)






(http://i125.photobucket.com/albums/p78/hazcater/Fun%20Stuff/tigerDM2805_468x680.jpg)

He doesn't like baths either! (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/teufel/devil-smiley-029.gif)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on March 30, 2008, 07:13:01 AM
Geez, smileys and mean cat pictures!

Updated - Everyone sing along -

I've - got - a - tiger by tail it's plain to see . . . . .  <insert musical note smileys here Haz >

(http://www.mazeguy.net/musical/note.gif) (http://www.mazeguy.net/musical/note.gif) (http://www.mazeguy.net/musical/note.gif) (http://www.mazeguy.net/musical/note.gif)

PS: Did it all by my lonesome!   :D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 30, 2008, 07:31:58 AM


Path, I can't do anything to your message if it is within a quote.  When I try to 'quote' your 'quote' it just shows up as an empty box like above.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Neon Knight Anubis on March 30, 2008, 07:43:40 AM
LOOK OUT! HE HAS BACKUP!!!


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 30, 2008, 08:05:38 AM
LOOK OUT! HE HAS BACKUP!!!




Oh, there are more...

(http://i125.photobucket.com/albums/p78/hazcater/Fun%20Stuff/Catsniper.jpg)





Many more!!...

(http://i125.photobucket.com/albums/p78/hazcater/Fun%20Stuff/RamboCat.jpg) (http://i125.photobucket.com/albums/p78/hazcater/Fun%20Stuff/PBSword.jpg)

(http://i125.photobucket.com/albums/p78/hazcater/Fun%20Stuff/cat_machine_gun_cat.jpg) (http://i125.photobucket.com/albums/p78/hazcater/Fun%20Stuff/JahidKitty.jpg)

(http://i125.photobucket.com/albums/p78/hazcater/Fun%20Stuff/vikingkitten1.jpg) (http://i125.photobucket.com/albums/p78/hazcater/Fun%20Stuff/Vikingboatkitties.jpg)

(http://i125.photobucket.com/albums/p78/hazcater/Fun%20Stuff/TigerFace.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Grizzle_Bear on March 30, 2008, 10:15:10 AM
Beware the Viking Kitties!


(And a tip o' the horned helmet to FreeRepublic!)


Grizzle Bear

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on March 30, 2008, 02:26:17 PM
Ah yes, fun and games with Photoshop.

I have no idea how my text got within your quotes. Too early this morning for me to get it right I guess. Oh well, just throw in the notes any old place. Come on, Haz, we know you have them. Check under your loafers . . . .   ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 30, 2008, 09:39:55 PM
Ah yes, fun and games with Photoshop.

I have no idea how my text got within your quotes. Too early this morning for me to get it right I guess. Oh well, just throw in the notes any old place. Come on, Haz, we know you have them. Check under your loafers . . . .   ;D ;D ;D

(http://www.mazeguy.net/musical/sing.gif)  (http://www.mazeguy.net/musical/note.gif) (http://www.mazeguy.net/musical/note.gif) (http://www.mazeguy.net/musical/note.gif) (http://www.mazeguy.net/musical/note.gif) ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 31, 2008, 04:06:44 PM
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...

A r e  -  m y  -  t e s t  -  r e s u l t s  -  b a c k?





Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on March 31, 2008, 06:33:16 PM
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...

A r e  -  m y  -  t e s t  -  r e s u l t s  -  b a c k?



Nice avatar. Did you post a joke? ? ? ?  :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: CurrieS103 on March 31, 2008, 08:40:39 PM
But the question is...did the nurse find a 5 pound padlock....oops, wrong thread.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 31, 2008, 10:22:27 PM

But the question is...did the nurse find a 5 pound padlock....oops, wrong thread.

Oops... wrong gender...
  ;)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on March 31, 2008, 10:32:20 PM

Oops... wrong gender...
  ;)



I don't think that's what Marshall said, or was he complaining about some other lock problem?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 01, 2008, 01:25:04 AM
What?
Marshal said? What...who....where... Huh?


(http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/oops.gif)
~~~~~

(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/82.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on April 01, 2008, 10:59:24 AM
A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into
the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her
jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her
screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and
hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering
from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker
brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says:
'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my
whole life.'
Why, it was nothing said the biker, really, the lion was behind bars.
I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.
I noticed a patch on your jacket said the journalist.
Yeah I ride with a Christian motorcycle club the biker replies.
Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you
know, and tomorrow papers will have this in first page. The
journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed
brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page: Biker gang
member assaults African immigrant and steals his lunch

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on April 01, 2008, 11:46:52 AM
Outlaw,

Just sent that one to my brother.  He is a minister and has a Christian biker club (Sons of God Motorcycle Club).
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on April 01, 2008, 05:57:22 PM
Haz, then he'll like this one as well:


An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down
and drinking from his farm pond.

The Amish farmer shouts:
"Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen."
(Translation: "Don't drink the water, the cows have shit in it.")

The kneeling man shouts back:
"I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If
you can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, speak in English."

The Amish farmer says: "Use two hands, you'll get more."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 02, 2008, 12:00:56 AM
George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.

George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."

George: "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!"

So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.

George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.

George: *slurring is words*: "Ahhhh crap" ! The ole' lady ish gonna fhrow my ass out of the house for gettin drunk and pukin all over my bran new shirt!"

Bill, George's best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.

Bill: "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned."

 George blinked a few times and weaved around and said, "Tha's a wunnerful idea. I'll do it!".

So, when drunk ass George walked into the house with his money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.

Georges wife: "I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!"

George: "Honey, let me esplain! This ole drunken fool at the bar frew up aaaalllllllll over me and then he gave me 20 bucks to haf my new shirt cleaned."

His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.

George's wife: "Oh, Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?"

George: *stggering, but holding her gaze... "Oh, well...tha's from the nother guy who shit in my pants."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 02, 2008, 09:28:05 PM

Why Parents Drink!!!!

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up predominately on the pillow that was addresses to 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and mom. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all of her piercings, tattoos, tight biker clothes and the fact that she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion.... Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said we will be very happy. She owns her own trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves an d trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry dad, I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm
sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son

P.S. none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you, Call me when it's safe to come home...
Have a Great weekend !

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 03, 2008, 12:23:24 AM
I was shopping at the local Super market where I selected:   

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,   
A head of romaine lettuce,   
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and   
A 1 lb. package of bacon.   
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk   
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the  cashier.   
 
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,   
'You must be single.'   
 
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the   
drunkin' derelicts intuition, since I was indeed single.

 I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my   
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.   
 
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said:
 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'   
 
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on April 03, 2008, 06:13:34 AM
That joke just doesn't work when you tell it, Sweetheart! ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Neon Knight Anubis on April 03, 2008, 06:34:47 AM
That joke just doesn't work when you tell it, Sweetheart! ;D

Agreed  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on April 03, 2008, 09:45:19 AM
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of crabs.

A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?'

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them herself.

Men never learn.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on April 03, 2008, 02:59:54 PM
not really a joke, but a damn funny ad from back when smoking was cool.

(http://www.katize.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/08/att00037.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on April 03, 2008, 06:50:08 PM
Hell, I remember those days....90's, right ???
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on April 03, 2008, 07:52:24 PM
Na, earlier than that.  Side burns are just a little long for the 90's
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 03, 2008, 08:18:42 PM
4 TRUTHS
 
During these serious times, people of all faiths 
should remember these four religious  truths:
 
1 Muslims do not recognize  Jews as God's chosen people.
 2. Jews do  not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
 3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian  world.
 4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 04, 2008, 02:59:13 AM
4 TRUTHS
 
During these serious times, people of all faiths 
should remember these four religious  truths:
 
1 Muslims do not recognize  Jews as God's chosen people.
 2. Jews do  not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
 3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian  world.
 4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters


I'm disapointed, Couldn't you find a way to offend Hindus, Buddists and agnostics as well ;D  By the way, after a few hits of "Ganga" Rastafarians don't recognize anything ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 04, 2008, 12:56:48 PM
Hey.. I don't write 'em.. I just post 'em.   :D

Wished I had written this one tho..


A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.I want her to know what I go through.
So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
 Amen!"

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then, it was already 1P.M.
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,
Dust,
And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. Cooked the supper and cleaned up 4 messes the kids made in the living room.
After supper,
He cleaned the kitchen,
Loaded and ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry, and started another load
Bathed the kids,
And put them to bed.
At 09 P.M .
He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
"Lord, I don't have any idea what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
 Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.
Amen!"

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
 
"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night.

(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/chuckle.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 04, 2008, 01:07:07 PM
God Said,... Adam I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."!

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "! What is it now?"

And Adam said


*



*


"What's a headache?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 04, 2008, 04:36:45 PM
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. 

He walked in;.............
She turned and said, 'Right NOW...You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

His eyes lit up and he thought, 'This is my lucky day.' 
Not wanting to lose the moment, he grabbed her up her and then gave it his all;   right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and immediately returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked, 'What was that all about?'

She shrugged and said, 'The egg timer's  broken.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 04, 2008, 04:48:23 PM
Dan Rather, Katie Couric, and a U.S. Marine were all captured by terrorists in Iraq.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

Dan Rather said, 'Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili.' 
The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili.
Rather ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'

Katie Couric said, 'I'm a reporter to the end.
I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen.
Maybe someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end. '

 The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Couric dictated some comments.
She then said, 'Now I can die happy.'

The leader turned and said, 'And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?'

'Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine.

'What?' asked the leader? 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'

'No, I'm not kidding.
I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm
pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead.
 
In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his M4
carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire.
In a flash, the terrorists  were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
 
As the Marine was untying Rather and Couric, they asked him, 'Why
didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to
kick you in the ass first?'

'What?!,' replied the Marine, 'And have you two idiots report that I
was the aggressor?


This probably shouldn't be on the joke board.   :-\
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on April 04, 2008, 07:05:55 PM
Food for thought :

I was traveling between Chattanooga and Knoxville the other day (Just south of Sweetwater) when a tire blew out.Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat.My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?""Yes, I sure do," I replied"You a Republican or Democrat," asked the old man."Republican," I replied."Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.

Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question.Again, I gave the same answer, "Republican."The driver gave me the finger and drove off.

I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Republicans.The next car to stop was a red convertible with Texas tags driven by a beautiful blonde.She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Republican or Democrat."Democrat!", I shouted."Hop in!", replied the blonde.Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car."She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out."What's the matter?", she asked."I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 04, 2008, 08:28:50 PM
A MAN WALKS INTO A RESTAURANT
 
 A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
 
 The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
 
 "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
 
 A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $ 9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
 
 The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
 
 The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
 
 Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
 
 This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
 
 "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
 
 "Same," says the ostrich.
 
 Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
 
 Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
 
 The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.  How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
 
 "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered m= e two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
 
 "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
 
 "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
 
 The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
 
 The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on April 04, 2008, 10:26:56 PM
Dan Rather, Katie Couric, and a U.S. Marine were all captured by terrorists in Iraq.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

Dan Rather said, 'Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili.' 
The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili.
Rather ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'

Katie Couric said, 'I'm a reporter to the end.
I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen.
Maybe someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end. '

 The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Couric dictated some comments.
She then said, 'Now I can die happy.'

The leader turned and said, 'And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?'

'Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine.

'What?' asked the leader? 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'

'No, I'm not kidding.
I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm
pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead.
 
In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his M4
carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire.
In a flash, the terrorists  were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
 
As the Marine was untying Rather and Couric, they asked him, 'Why
didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to
kick you in the ass first?'

'What?!,' replied the Marine, 'And have you two idiots report that I
was the aggressor?


This probably shouldn't be on the joke board.   :-\

Sure it should.  It brought a smile to my face cause ya know what??  Our guys and girls ARE THAT GOOD!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 04, 2008, 10:32:32 PM
Sure it should.  It brought a smile to my face cause ya know what??  Our guys and girls ARE THAT GOOD!

And our press is that bad. >:(
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 06, 2008, 07:09:01 PM
There's no women on here.. but I don;t care.. I want to post this anyway.. ;D

This is an actual letter from an Austin, Texan woman
 sent to American company, Proctor and Gamble regarding
 their feminine products. She really gets rolling after
 the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors'
 choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.
 
 
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
 
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads
 for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their
 features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave
 absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or
 salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of
 running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
 But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary
 Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart
 enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be
 aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I
 feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my
 pants.
 
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher?
 Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you
 haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right
 now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
 violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes
 from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed
 into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred
 hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body
 amazing?
 
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division,
 you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what
 exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits
 from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the
 bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about
 our intense mood swings, crying jags, and
 out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a
 tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my
 friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her
 boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just
 because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was
 written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
 
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that
  America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in
  Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my
 letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so
 painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out
 my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there,
 printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:
 'Have a Happy Period.'
 
Are you f****** kidding me? What I mean is, does any
 part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think
 happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is
 possible during a menstrual period? Did anything
 mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well,
 did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick
 S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about
 a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin
 and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you
 don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a
 hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a
 blaze of glory.
 
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you
 have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't
 it make more sense to say something that's actually
 pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular
 Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
 
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that,
 effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in
 monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad
 business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss
 your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
 brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise
 I will keep.
 
Always. .. .
 
 Wendi
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 06, 2008, 07:14:31 PM
Dear Internal Revenue Service:

Enclosed you will find my 2008 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.

Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper; dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.

I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.

Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.

You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5" Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws).

One screw is enclosed for your convenience.

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A Satisfied Taxpayer
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 06, 2008, 07:26:29 PM
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/cat1.jpg)


1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.  Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.    As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.  Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
 
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.  Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.  Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.   Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
 
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.  Ignore low growls emitted by cat.   Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.  Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.  Get another pill.  Open another beer.  Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.    Force mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.   Drink beer.  Fetch bottle of scotch.  Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.   Toss back another shot.  Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
 
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.  Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed.  Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.  Be rough about it.  Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 

14. Consume remainder of scotch.  Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.   Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

 
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/cat2.jpg)



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



How To Give A Dog A Pill
 

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Grizzle_Bear on April 06, 2008, 08:21:40 PM


Cats......the Other White Meat!


 ;D

Grizzle Bear

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on April 07, 2008, 10:43:45 AM
They Walk Among Us and Many Work  Retail

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I Gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor.
She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again.  I gave her the Money bac k same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.

They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail

I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get- one-free coupon for a Grande Latte.  I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're already buy-one- get-one-free, ' she said, 'so I guess they're both free'. She handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.

They Walk Among Us!

One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said, 'Where?'


They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.  She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the North?'  ; When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff.'

They Walk Among Us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, 'The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.' He responded, 'Is that Eastern or Pacific time?' Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, 'Uh, Pacific.'

They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.


They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%.  Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases.  The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.  'Now,' she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?'

They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'

 



Yep, They Walk Among Us!




They Walk Among Us,
and they Reproduce,
and Worst of all
.....they Vote!



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 07, 2008, 10:59:17 AM
And they run for office.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on April 07, 2008, 12:02:40 PM
Started as an accidental automatic response on my part, but has turned into a fun joke many of us play:

Next time your in a store checking out, count out your cash as you pay the clerk (just as we would all like to have our change counted to us), and when they give you your change and receipt in one pile stuck in your had look them in the eye and say "Thank you, come again!"

The look of total confussion on the clerks face is priceless.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Grizzle_Bear on April 07, 2008, 12:08:18 PM
 Camilla's Shoes


Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired back to their room.

Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling. One's feet are killing One.'

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour . . . . But it would not budge.

'Harder' yelled Camilla, 'Harder'

Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'

'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried.

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'There! Oh God, that feels so good.'

In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said 'See I told you she was still a virgin with a face like that!'

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this one's even tighter'

At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen 'That's my boy, Once a Navy man, always a navy man!'


Grizzle Bear

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on April 07, 2008, 06:54:42 PM
OK, I was laughing hysterically when I read M'ette's post about giving a cat a pill, almost had a heart attack laughing when I read the dog part. When I hit Grizzle Bear's comment I damn near fell out of my chair laughing.

Good Thread!!

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 08, 2008, 03:39:51 AM
OK, I was laughing hysterically when I read M'ette's post about giving a cat a pill, almost had a heart attack laughing when I read the dog part. When I hit Grizzle Bear's comment I damn near fell out of my chair laughing.

Good Thread!!

 ;D

I ALWAYS SAVE THIS THREAD FOR LAST  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 08, 2008, 09:43:09 PM
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace ,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

(You've gotta love this ....)

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

IF YOU ARE NOT LAUGHING SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU!
 
Title: A buddy of mine sent me this
Post by: jerry on April 08, 2008, 09:52:38 PM


 
Top this for a speeding ticket

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting
speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine
Corps Air Station at Miramar . One of the officers was using
a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles
approaching the crest of a hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun
began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to
reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then
turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the tree tops revealed that
the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet
which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a
complaint to the USMC Base Commander.  The reply came
back in true USMC style:

Thank you for your letter.
We can now complete the file on this incident.

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in
the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently
locked-on to your hostile radar equipment and automatically
sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed
aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment
location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the
situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile
system alert status and was able to override the automated
defense system before the missile was launched to destroy
the hostile radar position.

The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing
at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high
tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun,
should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears
the filling is loose.  Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

Thank you for your concern.
Semper Fi.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on April 08, 2008, 10:01:16 PM
Yo Jerry,  Waaayyy Coool. Best in a long time...(http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/grupos.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 09, 2008, 09:46:53 AM
That is just the best..   ;D   I will be passing this on ..(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/thumup.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 10, 2008, 03:56:47 PM
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/ATT1.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on April 10, 2008, 04:36:37 PM
(http://i125.photobucket.com/albums/p78/hazcater/Fun%20Stuff/prep_h.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 10, 2008, 10:49:49 PM
Lost Sinatra song - you got to hear this.

They should play this at all airports.

Turn sound on and Click on - 
 
http://www.animatronics.org/strangers/strangers.htm

(words included)   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 10, 2008, 11:22:58 PM
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/cow2.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Marshal Halloway on April 10, 2008, 11:58:27 PM
The International Council of Man Laws.


1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.



2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

  (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

  (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.

  (c) After wrecking your boss's car.

  (d) When she is using her teeth.

 

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed

and eaten by his friends.

 

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off

limits forever unless you actually marry her.

 

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.

However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

 

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another

man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

 

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not

the weakest.

 

8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may

ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's

playing.

 

9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have

brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the

purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven),

she's officially your girlfriend.

 

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're

sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model

and only when it's free.

 

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed

to kick another guy in the nuts.

 

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

 

13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever!! Issue closed.

 

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

 

 15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as

spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to

 drink as much as the other sports watchers.

 

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must

remain sober enough to fight.

 

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of

pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

 

18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking

about his choice of beer.

 

19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of

yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

 

20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing

i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other

situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you

need.

 

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer

than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.

Hang up if necessary.

 

22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend'

have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird

and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the

discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

 

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable

for her to drive yours.

 

24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime,

green, orange or sky blue.

 

25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for

Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an

X/box 360.

 End of story.

 

26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever!

 

27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

* 'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the

guys,being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say,

'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'

* 'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys

smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your

wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next!'

 

I hope this clears up any confusion..
Marshal H.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on April 11, 2008, 06:07:21 AM
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/cow2.gif)

I had cows like that - dumb as a sack of hammers. And they could kick, so you did have to prove your intelligence by staying out of their way while still getting yours.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on April 11, 2008, 06:57:49 AM
I had cows like that - dumb as a sack of hammers. And they could kick, so you did have to prove your intelligence by staying out of their way while still getting yours.

I don't think I want to know what is meant by "still getting yours".  :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on April 11, 2008, 07:03:39 AM
The International Council of Man Laws.


 

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not

the weakest.

 



Men don't ride in a mini-bus, they rent an RV!   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 11, 2008, 02:01:44 PM
I don't think I want to know what is meant by "still getting yours".  :o


Haz,, that is what I was thinking..................
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.. Pathfinder??~~??  I am more than a little worried about you..
And I don't know if I even want to hear you try to explain.  :-X

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 11, 2008, 02:02:19 PM
This is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have
it published in the New York Times.
  (verified by Snopes)



Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to
pay my plumber last Month. By my calculations, three
nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the
arrival in my account Of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to
the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which,
I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended
for seizing that brief WIndow of opportunity, and also for debiting my
account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me
to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your
telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has
become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to
open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I
require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages,
but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her
medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled
it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account
balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON
FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

# 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

# 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping

# 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

# 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that
Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

# 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

# 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The
contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service.

# 10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on
occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration Of the call regrettably, but again following your
example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this
new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by an 86 year old woman)
'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE " US SENIORS" !!!!!

And remember; Don't make old ladies mad. They don't
like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to set them off.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 11, 2008, 02:45:16 PM
If you were around in 1919 (just before Prohibition started) and your gender was male......
and you came upon the following poster.........


Would you quit drinking ?

 

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/prohibition.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on April 11, 2008, 02:53:59 PM
My only response would be .......

WHO'S GOT THE TEQUILA?? ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on April 11, 2008, 03:19:18 PM
I sure hope this works.  I'm lucky to know how to turn a computer on, but that's not the joke today.

This is an updated version of a classic ...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on April 11, 2008, 03:21:31 PM
If you were around in 1919 (just before Prohibition started) and your gender was male......
and you came upon the following poster.........


Would you quit drinking ?

 

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/prohibition.jpg)

BEER - Helping the ugly get laid since 1845!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on April 11, 2008, 03:51:05 PM
If you were around in 1919 (just before Prohibition started) and your gender was male......
and you came upon the following poster.........


Would you quit drinking ?

 

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/prohibition.jpg)


I would have to drink to kiss them.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on April 11, 2008, 04:50:11 PM
GRANDMA'S BIRTH CONTROL

This doctor had been seeing an 80 year old woman for
most of her life. He finally retired.

At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring
a list of all her medications that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his
eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control
pills.

'Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL
pills?'

'Yes, they help me sleep at night.'

'Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING
in these that could possibly help you sleep.'

She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee.
'Yes, dear, I know that.
But every morning, I grind one up and mix it the glass
of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter
drinks....................and believe me, it helps me sleep at night.'

You Gotta Watch Them Grandmas..........God Love Them

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on April 11, 2008, 06:36:02 PM
I don't think I want to know what is meant by "still getting yours".  :o

Nice try, Loafer Boy!!!   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on April 11, 2008, 06:39:57 PM

Haz,, that is what I was thinking..................
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.. Pathfinder??~~??  I am more than a little worried about you..
And I don't know if I even want to hear you try to explain.  :-X

 ;D ;D ;D


Hey, don't knock it if you haven't tried it.  ;D

Moving the cows from pasture to pasture, corralling them, loading and unloading them, not necessarily in that order; feeding them, getting them out of the way so you can put a salt block out, stuff like that.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 11, 2008, 09:10:22 PM
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."   

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 11, 2008, 09:57:18 PM
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see a well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr.Chang, so she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose."
The woman did as she was told.
 "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr.Chang then said, "OK,now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
 Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 11, 2008, 11:20:04 PM
If you were around in 1919 (just before Prohibition started) and your gender was male......
and you came upon the following poster.........


Would you quit drinking ?

 

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/prohibition.jpg)



What sighted person would even consider kissing those dour old biddies. You would think that women that homely would encourage drunkenness to avoid the stigma of spinster hood.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 12, 2008, 12:39:29 AM
Two Mexicans are riding along the Pacific Coast
Highway on a motorbike.  They experience a break
down and start to hitch a ride. A friendly trucker
stops to see if he can be of some help and the
Mexicans ask him for a lift. The driver tells them
he has no room in the trailer as he is carrying
10,000 bowling balls.  The Mexicans ask that if they
can manage to fit in the back with their bike, will
he take them to the next town and he agrees.

 
They manage to squeeze their motorcycle and
themselves into the back of the trailer so the
driver shuts the doors and gets back on his way. By
this time he is really late and so he puts the pedal
down.   Sure enough, the California Highway Patrol pulls him
over for speeding. The good officer asks the driver
what he is carrying, to which he replies jokingly,
"Mexican eggs."  The policeman obviously doesn't
believe this, so he wants to take a look. He opens
the back door of the trailer and quickly shuts it
and locks it.  He gets on his radio and calls for immediate backup
from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher
asks what emergency he has that requires so many
officers. 
"I've got a trailer with 10,000 Mexican eggs in it .
Only 2 have hatched so far, but they've already
managed to steal a motorcycle."


 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on April 12, 2008, 06:05:54 AM


What sighted person would even consider kissing those dour old biddies. You would think that women that homely would encourage drunkenness to avoid the stigma of spinster hood.

Like Seinfeld said, 95% of the world is undateable - have you been to the DMV lately?.

Elaine: "So how are they all getting together?"

Seinfeld: "Alcohol!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jerry on April 12, 2008, 06:36:33 AM
CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite
her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time
the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the
driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for
himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on
the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a
sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she
moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the
swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that
said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that
said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jerry on April 12, 2008, 07:30:20 AM
Definition of tools

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh darn!"

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. Can also be used to cut its own power cord.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Also used to pinch soft flesh into blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Additionaly useful for trimming fingernails below the growth line.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub from which you wish to remove the bearing.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

METAL SNIPS: A tool used for cutting crooked lines in metal where you want straight ones.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on April 12, 2008, 08:05:38 AM
Jerry,

This is supposed to be a JOKE thread....not a list of the most accurate definitions I have ever read! ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on April 12, 2008, 08:40:39 AM
That is an exact list of Christmas presents my doctor(s) have given me to insure their cash flow.

At last count I am the sole provider of three pontoon boats, an African Safari, two motorcycles, half interest in a Cessna, and a lake cabin on the edge of the Boundary Waters.  Do you have any idea what a cut tendon in the finger costs when all you were trying to do was fix the wife's garage door?  I currently have an eight penny stainless steel finish nail in my dresser drawer.  Oh yea, and I can get you a copy of the x-ray of a broken toe (heavy hitch on a gravity box and some idiot put his foot under it), and I can still hear the chuckling voice saying "yup ... you broke it, but there is nothing we do for those ... do you have a cane or should I write a prescription" (same voice that is six feet under in oak).

However, it is well known and understood that the last doctor that told me I was fat and out of shape is buried in a real purdy casket, and I put him there.  I don't care if it's true ... I just don't need to hear if from someone I'm supporting!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 12, 2008, 10:18:24 AM
A biker is  riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.  Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull
Her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.   
 
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the
Nose with  a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back
Letting go of  the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him  endlessly.
 
A New York Times reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the  biker, says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do  in my whole life.'
 
'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt  right.'
 
'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed.  I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on  the first page. What motorcycle do you ride and what political affiliation do  you have?'
 
'A Harley Davidson and I am a Republican. '
 
The  journalist leaves.
 
The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first  page:  BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS  HIS LUNCH

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 12, 2008, 10:44:09 AM
Beer Ad

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/beer.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 12, 2008, 12:42:53 PM
Pretty much how it would be at this house..  ;D ;D ;D


(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/cartoon.jpg)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on April 12, 2008, 01:25:39 PM
Important Zen teachings

 

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

 2. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

 3. No one is listening until you fart.

 4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

 5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

 6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

 7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

 8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

 9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

 10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

 11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

 12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

 13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

 14. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment.

 15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

 16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

 17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

 18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

 19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just get worse.

 20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 13, 2008, 07:08:42 PM
President Bush decides to leave the White House and go out to sit in a local bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?'

The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?'

Bush says, ' I'm planning WW III.'

The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.

The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits?

Why kill a blonde with big tits?'

Bush turns to the bartender and says,

'See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims'.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 13, 2008, 09:47:51 PM
Marshal,
This one is for you. ;)
Of course it would be better in March. But . . . .


WHY ST. PATRICK'S DAY IS CELEBRATED EACH YEAR IN AMERICA

 
The reason the Irish celebrate St. Patrick's Day is because this is when St. Patrick drove the Norwegians out of Ireland.

 
It seems that some centuries ago, many Norwegians came to Ireland to escape the bitterness of the Norwegian winter.

 
Ireland was having a famine at the time, and food was scarce. The Norwegians were eating almost all the fish caught in the area, leaving the Irish with nothing to eat but potatoes. St. Patrick, taking matters into his own hands, as most Irishmen do, decided the Norwegians had to go.

 
Secretly, he organized the Irish IRATRION (Irish Republican Army to Rid Ireland of Norwegians).

 
Irish members of IRATRION passed a law in Ireland that prohibited merchants from selling ice boxes or ice to the Norwegians, in hopes that their fish would spoil. This would force the Norwegians to flee to a colder climate where their fish would keep. Well, the fish spoiled, all right, but the Norwegians, as every one knows today, thrive on spoiled fish. So, faced with failure, the desperate Irishmen sneaked into the Norwegian fish storage caves in the dead of night and sprinkled the rotten fish with lye, hoping to poison the Norwegian invaders.
 

But, as everyone knows, the Norwegians thought this only added to the flavor of the fish, and they liked it so much they decided to call it "lutefisk", which is Norwegian for "luscious fish".

 
Matters became even worse for the Irishmen when the Norwegians started taking over the Irish potato crop and making something called "lefse". Poor St. Patrick was at his wit's end, and finally on March 17th, he blew his top and told all the Norwegians to "GO TO HELL".

 
So they all got in their boats and emigrated to Minnesota and the Dakotas ---- the only other paradise on earth where smelly fish, old potatoes and plenty of cold weather can be found in abundance.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Marshal Halloway on April 14, 2008, 11:03:38 AM

That was a good one..  ;D

On the subject of the Irish....

Irish Misunderstanding

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father barked at her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer poor, poor dear Mother thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family."

"OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath).... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and...."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" said Dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute, Dad! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer dear old Dad a hug!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 14, 2008, 02:57:55 PM
After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good
time.
 Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and thinks she's in love.
Hillary said, 'You didn't have sex, did you'?
Chelsea said, 'Not according to Dad.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 14, 2008, 03:16:01 PM
No matter what situations life throws at you...No matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem...
Remember, there is a light at the end of the tunnel... ! 


(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/flashlightdog.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 14, 2008, 05:07:07 PM
Last one for the day:


Chester and Earl are going hunting.
Chester says to Earl, 'I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting.' So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice.
Chester says, 'Well I'm not going to go out. He saw only two ducks out there.'

Earl says, 'You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?' Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, 'I don't believe it! Where did you get that dog? There really were only two ducks out there!'

Chester says, 'Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too.'

 So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has.

The breeder obliges, and Earl brings the dog home, and tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in its mouth and starts humping Earl's leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and  says, 'This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!'

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.

The breeder says, 'Earl, he was trying to tell you that there are more f***in' ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 15, 2008, 10:03:50 AM
Old  Matt

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called  Matt  the computer guy, to come over.  Matt  clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
 
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
 
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
 
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again?"

Matt  grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down. I D 1 0 T

I used to like  Matt .
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 15, 2008, 10:36:32 AM
A commercial jet is making its final approach to Tampa.  The pilot comes on the intercom...
"This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa.  I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area".
He forgets to switch off the intercom.  Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.
The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa?"
"Well," says the Captain, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a huge crap.  Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out to dinner.  I'm gonna wine and dine her, then take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long ."
Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears the exchange. They all begin looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is the pilot is talking about.
Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.  She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the front of the aircraft to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag, and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says, "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta land the plane and take a shit first."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jerry on April 15, 2008, 12:38:39 PM
Happy Tax Day everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;D

The government announced today that it is changing its
emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the
government's political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys
the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives
you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

***********************

Tax day -- April 15 -- was looming when an elderly woman showed up at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms. "Why so many?" the clerk asked.
"My son is stationed overseas," she said. "He asked me to pick up forms for the Marines on the base."
"You shouldn't have to do this," the clerk told her. "It's the base commander's job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need."
"I know," said the woman. "I'm the base commander's mother."

***********************

The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of
government. (Barry M. Goldwater)

***********************

There is a difference between a tax collector and a taxidermist -- the
taxidermist leaves the hide. (Mortimer Caplan)

***********************

I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a
toilet seat. (Sue Murphy)

***********************

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and
miss. (Robert Heinlein)

***********************

A fine is a tax for doing something wrong. A tax is a fine for doing
something right.

***********************

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should
be happier than others. (Oscar Wilde)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on April 15, 2008, 05:33:17 PM
"Women don't want to hear what you think. They want to hear what they think, but in a deeper voice."

-Bill Cosby
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on April 15, 2008, 08:58:20 PM
"Women don't want to hear what you think. They want to hear what they think, but in a deeper voice."

-Bill Cosby

And thats the TRUTH
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on April 17, 2008, 12:16:37 PM
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 18, 2008, 10:53:14 AM


Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Marine are all working together one day. They come across a lantern ....

And a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you
one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in
Canada '

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in
Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye,
there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Marine says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me
more about this wall.' The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely
surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;
it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Marine sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, 'Fill it with water.'

I pretty much vote this my favorite e- mail of the
year...
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 19, 2008, 01:39:44 AM
Ahhh I apologize beforehand about this not being a very ladylike joke to tell ... but as usual... (http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/erst060.gif) what can I say? I am just ..wellll.. you know how I am.  I just hopeless..   ;D :-\


A woman went to her doctor for advice.She told him that
her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure
that it was such a good idea.
'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.
 'Actually,  yes, I do, she said.'
 'Does it hurt you?' he asked.
'No, she replied.. I rather like it.'
 'Well, then,' the  doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't
practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you  take care not to get pregnant.'

The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'

'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think liberals come from?'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jerry on April 19, 2008, 08:03:04 AM
Ms M, that's a good one
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 19, 2008, 08:11:47 AM
Ahhh I apologize beforehand about this not being a very ladylike joke to tell ... but as usual... (http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/erst060.gif) what can I say? I am just ..wellll.. you know how I am.  I just hopeless..   ;D :-\


A woman went to her doctor for advice.She told him that
her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure
that it was such a good idea.
'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.
 'Actually,  yes, I do, she said.'
 'Does it hurt you?' he asked.
'No, she replied.. I rather like it.'
 'Well, then,' the  doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't
practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you  take care not to get pregnant.'

The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'

'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think liberals come from?'




That really does explain a lot.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 19, 2008, 09:54:22 AM
LOL, LMAO,
Marshal'ette, :-*
That was a really great one. As Tom says it explains a lot.
It almost seems to be too true.
Still laughing. ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Neon Knight Anubis on April 19, 2008, 11:14:39 AM

That really does explain a lot.  ;D

"Yes, great source of wisdom this woman is."


Hey where's Frank Oz? I need him to say that in his Yoda voice.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on April 20, 2008, 11:55:49 AM
(http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e330/m58/GovSymbol.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on April 21, 2008, 11:17:49 AM
(http://i285.photobucket.com/albums/ll72/oojimmyc/Brazillion.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on April 21, 2008, 11:27:47 AM
Possibly the funniest story in a while. This is a bricklayer's accident
report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian
equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story.
Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the
cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust
the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my
work, found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later,
were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.

Rather than carr y the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a
barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the
building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the
barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied
the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 175
lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost
my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say,
I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now
proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed.

This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken
collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until
the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was
able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a
great deal of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight
of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming
up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and
several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the
pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in
pain unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and
let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its
journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

Bill Fuller
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on April 22, 2008, 11:45:43 AM
Stoled this from a different forum.....

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help because I was tired. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door because she's suppose to be good at this sort of thing and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing. Then she runs home and brings back this contraption that's suppose to be guaranteed to work every time. Still nothing. The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get that damn lid off that jar.'


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 22, 2008, 03:28:23 PM
Hillary and Obama were in a boat going down the river. 
The river was extremely rough. 
The boat capsized.
 Who was saved?

 




SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWER
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
AMERICA
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 22, 2008, 08:10:16 PM

 After 15 years of marriage a husband and wife came for counseling. When
asked that the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful
tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had
been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy,
emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry
list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
 
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to
stand, he embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman shut up and
quietly sat down as though in a daze.
 
The therapist turned to the husband and said, This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week. Can you make this happen?
 
The husband thought for a moment and replied, Well, I can drop her off
here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on April 22, 2008, 09:15:31 PM
This eastern tenderfoot decides to move out west to make his fortune. He finds a small town that has had a gold strike and settles in. After being there for a couple of months he starts to get some "Manly urges" and goes to town, where he finds out there aren't any women. He asks the local storekeep what they do to satisfy their urges and is told , "Well, we go see Ol Fong, the chinaman, The tenderfoot is taken aback by this news and says No thanks, I don't go for that kind of stuff and he returns to his camp. After a couple more months He's back in town to see if any women have arrived and is told No, But there's still Ol Fong the chinaman. The tenderfoot is REALLY in a bad way for relief and asks the store keep "Who would know about this if I went to see Ol Fong?" The storekeeper thinks for a while and replies "Well, There'd be You, Me, Ol Fong of course and 2 other guys", The tenderfoot looks at him and asks, Why 2 other guys? The storekeeper says " Well To hold down Ol Fong , He don't go for that stuff either"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 23, 2008, 12:24:17 AM
The Lone Ranger is captured by Indians...

The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great

Lone Ranger.  In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.
 But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.

 What is your first request?'

 The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'

 The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
  Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

 As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

 The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 
'You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.  What is your second request?'

 The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.  Silver is brought to him, and once again he whispers in the horse's ear.   As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

 Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.  She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and also spends the night.

 The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. He tells the Lone Ranger, 'You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow.  'So what is your last request?'

 The Lone Ranger responds,
'I'd like to speak to my horse.... alone.'

 The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

 Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says:
'Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse.
For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE'.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on April 23, 2008, 12:58:57 PM
THE GORILLA AND THE REDNECK
A small zoo in Indiana obtained a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem.
The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla
available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee , like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter
over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their
offer, but only under five conditions:
"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The
keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.
"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the
$500.00."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ron J on April 23, 2008, 02:25:59 PM
My apologies if this was previously posted and I missed it ...

Subject: From a Danish Friend
 

"We in   Denmark cannot figure out why you  are even bothering to hold an election.

On one side, you have a bitch  who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, and a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer.

On the other side, you have a true war hero married  to a woman with a huge chest who owns a beer distributorship.

Is  there a contest here?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ichiban on April 23, 2008, 04:13:28 PM
Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
 
A Message from John Cleese (British comedian) (FawltyTowers)
 
To: The citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
 
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary so you know what is happening. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
 -----------------------
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
 ------------------------
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize.'  You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen.
 -------------------
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
 -----------------
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
 ----------------------
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wi sh to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
 ----------------------
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand and see what we mean. Holden Monaro's are also approved.
 ---------------------
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts
and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
 --------------------
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
 -------------------
10. You will learn to make real c hips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
 -------------------
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.  South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British
Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
 ------------------- --
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a
Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
 ---------------------
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).  Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
 ---------------------
14. Further, you will stop playing base ball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. (well there is that Toronto thing I suppose... but they're nearly all bloody Yanks anyway)
Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
 --------------------
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
 -----------------
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
 ---------------
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cake s; strawberries in season.

 God Save the Queen. Only He can. 
 


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on April 23, 2008, 07:06:20 PM
Nick and Sarah decided that they should get a pet for their teen daughters. Sarah went to a pet store and when she walked in there was this beautiful parrot with a price tag of $50. She asked the shop keep why the low price. He said that the parrot had been raised in a brothel and that it's language wasn't alway clean. She figured what the heck, how bad could it be and bought the parrot. She took it home and removed the cover to the cage. The parrot looked around and said "New Home, New Madam" This shocked Sarah, but then she realized that it was a product of where it was raised and laughed it off. A littlt while later Sarah's teen daughters came home, The parrot looked at them and said "New Home, New Madam, New Girls" This too was laughed off once explained to the girls. Later that night Nick came home and the parrot looks at him and says "New Home, New Madam, New Girls, HI NICK"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Marshal Halloway on April 24, 2008, 02:17:55 PM
Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her
vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.
 
She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no
one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
 
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs.
She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
 
'Excuse me, miss,' said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel,
out of breath from running up the stairs.
 
'The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much
appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.
 
 'What difference does it make?' Joan asked rather calmly. 'No one can see me up
 here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel.'
 

Not exactly, said the embarrassed man. 'You're lying on the dining room skylight.'


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 24, 2008, 02:22:05 PM
After a relaxing bath...Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, nude in a mirror...

Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight, was depressing her...

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help...
'God....If you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you,' She prayed...

And just like that... her ears fell off...


 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: wisconsin on April 24, 2008, 05:38:10 PM
Thats sick. But good
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 25, 2008, 01:15:43 AM
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/chuckle.gif)


(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/topless.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 25, 2008, 10:01:44 AM
Be careful what you wish for….   
   

       

 

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up.
 
Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
 
Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."
 
The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
 
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you."
 
The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
 
The next morning bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton at his side.
 
His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
 
God is Good. 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 25, 2008, 11:28:06 AM
I know I know.. I just keep digging myself into that unlady like hole deeper and deeper...   :-[
(http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/Hole.gif)


Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
 
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
 
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
 
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
 
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
 
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
 
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
 
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
 
Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.
 
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
 
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
 
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
 
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
 
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
 
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
 
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
 
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on April 25, 2008, 11:50:21 AM
Before Marriage
John - Ah... At last. I can hardly wait!
Jane - Do you want me to leave?
John - NO! Don't even think about it.
Jane - Do you love me?
John - Of course! Always have and always will!
Jane - Jave you ever cheated on me?
John - NO! Why are you even asking?
Jane - Will you kills me?
John - Every chance I get!
Jane - Will you hit me?
John - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Jane - Can I trust you?
John - Yes
Jane - Darling!


After Marriage
Read from the bottom back to the top.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 26, 2008, 10:41:20 AM
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," She replied.

"Oh that!  That is nothing. Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," He explained.

"Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied......."Your horse called."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 26, 2008, 11:34:06 AM
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/hilary.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 26, 2008, 03:29:30 PM
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens  8)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 27, 2008, 11:14:59 AM
There are less than eight months until the election, an election that will decide the next President of the United States. The person elected will be the president of all Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans. To show our solidarity as Americans, let's all get together and show each other our support for the candidate of our choice.
 
     It's time that we all came together, Democrats and Republicans alike.
 
      If you support the policies and character of John McCain, please drive with your headlights on during the day. If you support Obama or Hillary, please drive with your headlights off at night.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 27, 2008, 12:02:21 PM
Two Ways to Look at Things

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
And I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table. 
My wife asks, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed. 'She's my old girlfriend.  I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on Celebrating that long?'

So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 29, 2008, 03:27:06 PM
WALKING AND BEER

A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles per year.
   
Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.
   
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.
   
Kind of makes you proud to be an American, doesn't it.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on April 29, 2008, 03:57:13 PM
Two Ways to Look at Things

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
And I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table. 
My wife asks, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed. 'She's my old girlfriend.  I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on Celebrating that long?'

So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything
.  ;D


Yes, there is a woman's perspective and then there is reality - Nobody tell me wife I said that, ok.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 29, 2008, 04:12:41 PM
You will all get a kick out of this ........
the $2 Bill.
Everyone should start carrying them! I think we need to quit
saving our $2 bills and bring them out in public. We could have a lot of fun! The
younger generation doesn't know they exist.

STORY: On my way home from work, I stopped
at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold are a $50 bill and
a $2 bill. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not
have to worry about any one getting irritated at me for trying to break a $50 bill.

Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go."

Server: "That'll be $1.04. Eat in?"
Me: "No, it's to go."

At this point, I open my billfold and hand
him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.

Server: "Uh, hang on a sec,
I'll be right back."

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot.
The following conversation occurs between the two of them:

Server: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"

Manager: "No... A what?"

Server: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."

Manager: "Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill."

Server: "Yeah, thought so." He comes back to me and says,
"We don't take these.Do you have anything else?"

Me: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"

Server: "I don't know."

Me: "See here where it says legal tender?"

Server: "Yeah."

Me: "So, why won't you take it?"

Server: "Well, hang on a sec."

He goes back to his manager, who has been
watching me like I'm a shoplifter,
and says to him, "He says I have to take it."

Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?"

Server: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get
change"

Manager: "I'm not opening the safe with him in here."

Server: "What should I do?"

Manager: "Tell him to come back later when he has real money."
Server: "I can't tell him that! You tell him."

Manager: "Just tell him."

Server: "No way! This is weird.
I'm going in back."

The manager approaches me and says,
"I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night."

Me: "It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill."

Manager: "We don't take those, either."

Me: "Why not?"

Manager: "I think you know why."

Me: "No really, tell me why."

Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."
Me: "Excuse me?"

Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."
Me: "What on earth for?"

Manager: "Please, sir."

Me: "Uh, go ahead, call them."

Manager: "Would you please just leave?"

Me: "No."

Manager: "Fine -- have it your way then."

Me: "Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?"
At this point, he backs away from me and
calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people
staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for
effect. A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in.

Guard: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"
Manager (whispering): "This guy is trying
to give me some (pause) funny money."
Guard: "No kidding! What?"

Manager: "Get this.... A two dollar bill."

Guard (incredulous): "Why would a guy fake
a two dollar bill?"
Manager: "I don't know…. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing
he has
is a fifty."
Guard: "Oh, so the fifty's fake!"
Manager: "No, the two dollar bill is.."

Guard: "Why would he fake a two dollar
bill?"
Manager: "I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of
here?"
Guard: "Yeah."

Security Guard walks over to me and......

Guard: "Mike here tells me you have some
fake bills you're trying to use."

Me: "Uh, no."

Guard: "Lemme see 'em."
Me: "Why?"

Guard: "Do you want me to get the cops in
here?"
At this point I am ready to say, "Sure, please!" but I want to eat,
 so I say "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with
this two dollar bill. I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches
like I'm taking a swing at him. He takes
the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says, "Hey, Mike,
what's wrong with this bill?"

Manager: "It's fake."
Guard: "It doesn't look fake to me."

Manager: "But it's a two dollar bill."

Guard: "Yeah?"

Manager: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"

The security guard and I both look at him
like he's an idiot, and it dawns on
the guy that he has no clue..
So, it turns out that my burrito was free,
and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.

Made me want to get a whole stack of two
dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got
the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail.
You get free food there, too.

Just think...those two will be voting soon........................................  ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 29, 2008, 05:04:40 PM
Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on
his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The
insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a
nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show
him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?' So then the rancher leaves
for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on
the front door. Amy takes him down to the bar n. They walk along the row
of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the
one...right here.'

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another
ditzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how di d you know this is the
cow to be bred?'

'That's simple. By the nail over its stall.' Amy explains very
confidently.

Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'

She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says,


'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on April 29, 2008, 05:39:19 PM
You will all get a kick out of this ........
the $2 Bill.
Everyone should start carrying them! I think we need to quit
saving our $2 bills and bring them out in public. We could have a lot of fun! The
younger generation doesn't know they exist.


Thats all they use at strip clubs now. If you get change at the bar or whenever your buy a drink or something, they give you $2 bills instead of ones. I guess some stripper who was "putting herself through business school" figured out that you double your tips if everyone in the club has $2 bills instead of $1 bills.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 30, 2008, 03:16:50 AM
Don't laugh, it's true ???  was sitting beside the cash register last Fall, This was a women in her 30's, Had never seen one before. Some one tried to pay her with 2 of them, The manager and I both assured her they were real and then bought them from her  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 30, 2008, 11:20:17 AM
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge
 in Bozeman, Montana, while awaiting their respective flights. One is an
 American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a cowboy on
 his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a
 fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University
 from the Middle East.
 
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures.
 Soon, the two westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim
 and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
 
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At
 one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
 
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people
 were few ," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
 
The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and
 from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl. "That's
 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's
 a-comin'."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 30, 2008, 11:21:45 AM
Thats all they use at strip clubs now.


Guess you just told on yourself there..(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/112.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on April 30, 2008, 07:43:03 PM
(http://i285.photobucket.com/albums/ll72/oojimmyc/beersign.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on April 30, 2008, 07:44:33 PM
A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled
the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He
gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from  the bed. Leaning
against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with
greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with
both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the
kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven. There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table
were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it
heaven????

Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it
that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he
threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made
its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked
with a spatula by his wife. 

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on April 30, 2008, 08:25:29 PM
A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled
the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He
gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from  the bed. Leaning
against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with
greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with
both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the
kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven. There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table
were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it
heaven????

Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it
that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he
threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made
its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked
with a spatula by his wife. 

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

Hey, that's the white bread version of my Lena and Ole joke. Still funny!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 01, 2008, 12:35:26 AM

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St.Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.  I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.  So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.  I yelled, 'Now, back off, or I'll kick the sh*t out of all of you!'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Couple of minutes ago."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 01, 2008, 02:31:25 PM
Morale Boosters at the work place.!

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/MoraleBoaster.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on May 01, 2008, 04:40:58 PM
Morale Boosters at the work place.!

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/MoraleBoaster.jpg)



I'm sure osha would just love those.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on May 01, 2008, 07:41:24 PM

Is this a sign that Obama's got her by the ass?

(http://i285.photobucket.com/albums/ll72/oojimmyc/hillaryjoke.jpg)

That ought to be McCain in the rear
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dougdubya on May 02, 2008, 12:28:07 AM
(http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/political-pictures-hillary-clinton-duke.jpg)

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 02, 2008, 01:19:07 AM
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/ATT7.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: SlickRob on May 05, 2008, 05:02:14 PM
Back in 1912, Best Foods mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of it scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to Mexico. It sank after smashing into an iceberg.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known as "Sinko De Mayo".
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on May 06, 2008, 01:22:40 AM
You should be ashamed Rob.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: CurrieS103 on May 06, 2008, 06:43:02 AM
 ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on May 06, 2008, 06:58:01 AM
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'
 
80% held up their hands.
 
The Minister then repeated his question.
 
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
 
'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
 
I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.
 
'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'
 
'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
 
'Oh, Mrs. N eely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'
 
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,
faced the congregation, and said:



         'I outlived the bitches.'   

 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on May 06, 2008, 07:53:16 AM
WOMEN ALWAYS TRIUMPH!!!!!!!!


A cheating husband decided to write this letter to his wife.
 
My Dear Wife,
 
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy.
I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife, however, after
reading this letter I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I
will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort
Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset, I shall be back before midnight.

When the man came home late that night he found a reply of his letter on the dining room table:
 
My Dear Husband,
 
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54
years old I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are
also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel
Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis
coach. He is young, virile and like your secretary, he is 18 years old.
You being a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18 ..
Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 06, 2008, 06:28:20 PM
Jay~  That was a hoot... But she does have a point there..   ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they
spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.  Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to
coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on
Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he
decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However , he accidentally left out one
letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her
husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following
a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from
relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and
fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the
floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
 
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005
 
I know you're surprised to hear from me.  They have computers here now and
you're allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones.  I've just arrived and have
checked in.  I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!!!  I hope your journey is as uneventful as mine
was.
 
P.S.  Sure is hot down here!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 06, 2008, 07:07:12 PM
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was
flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to
the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
 
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
 
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My
problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken
to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to
keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo
for me?  I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
 
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered
into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their
seat belts. Off they went.
 
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San
Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down
the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement
of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran
over to the blonde. What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I
gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
 
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over,so
now we're going to Sea World."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Makes sense to me.........;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 07, 2008, 12:53:22 AM

When your dog steals your moment :

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/doghumpingdeer.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on May 10, 2008, 10:22:37 AM
(http://i285.photobucket.com/albums/ll72/oojimmyc/Intsymbolforgasoline.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on May 10, 2008, 11:48:15 AM
Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood!  Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there." 

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop all your firewood?"     
"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun)

 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 10, 2008, 06:56:04 PM
  I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.  Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on May 12, 2008, 09:18:47 AM
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife
Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it
would take a few inches off of your butt!
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let
such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his
drawer. 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little
dust cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum
powder in my underwear?'

She replied ...'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on May 12, 2008, 06:05:57 PM
(http://i110.photobucket.com/albums/n104/The_AnkLe_BiTeR/couldntyouwait.jpg)




no comments needed.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on May 14, 2008, 02:58:22 PM

>> Good Mistake, God don't like ugly
>>
>> A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
>> Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right
>> thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the
>> red
>> light by accelerating through the intersection.
>>
>> The tailgating woman was furious a nd honked her horn, screaming in
>> frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
>> dropping her cell phone and makeup.
>> As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
>> into the face of a very serious police officer.
>>
>> The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to
>> the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed,
>> and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman
>> approached
>> the cell and o pened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk
>> where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
>>
>> He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind
>> your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front
>> of
>> you, and cussi ng a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus
>> Do'
>> bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' License plate holder, the 'Follow Me to
>> Sunday-School' bumper Sticker, And the chrome-plated Christian fish
>> emblem
>> on the trunk, Naturally,.....................I assumed you had stolen the
>> car.'
>>
>> Priceless
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dougdubya on May 14, 2008, 11:09:21 PM
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's
Yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be
$9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket
And pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.


This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
Salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any
Longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was
Cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie
Appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people
Would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be
As rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
Money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ichiban on May 15, 2008, 11:18:27 AM
Mark your calendar
 
Slap Your Co-Worker Day is    coming!!   

Friday  May 16 is  the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday: Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't care about? Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you?  Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it? Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY! These are the rules you must follow:

* You can only slap one person per hour - no more.

* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.

* You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.

* No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.
 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on May 17, 2008, 10:08:23 AM
They finally caught E.T.


(http://i285.photobucket.com/albums/ll72/oojimmyc/ET.jpg)


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on May 20, 2008, 11:11:37 AM
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, 'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral........I'm a gynecologist.'

The proctologist fainted.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on May 20, 2008, 03:27:28 PM
(http://www.werescrewed08.com/images/werescrewed08banner1.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on May 21, 2008, 02:29:33 AM
(http://www.werescrewed08.com/images/werescrewed08banner1.jpg)


That might be funny if it was a joke, unfortunately it's the simple truth.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 21, 2008, 01:06:39 PM
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend."

 Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build
her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I
would remodel the kitchen for her."

 They continue to fish.  When they realized that the fourth guy has not said
a word, they asked him.
 "You haven't said anything about what you had to  do to be able to come fishing this weekend.  What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off
my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt  and said:
"Fishing or Sex?"
and she said: "Wear sun-block."
   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on May 22, 2008, 10:22:20 AM
(http://michellemalkin.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/1exxon2.jpg)

Not a joke but still funny.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on May 22, 2008, 09:42:30 PM
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility... 

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 23, 2008, 08:47:30 AM
A Department of Water representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for your Water allocation.'
 
The old farmer said, 'OK , but don't go in that field over there.' The Water representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WANT on ANY agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
 
The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, the Old farmer heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running for the fence. And close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the Water Rep. with every step. The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and Shouted out......
 
 'Your card! Your card! Show him your card!

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 23, 2008, 01:21:17 PM

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/mho.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on May 23, 2008, 05:15:19 PM
Thats about the most concise and accurate political commentary I've heard since this election cycle started SOOOO long ago.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tumblebug on May 23, 2008, 06:18:18 PM
+10
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 23, 2008, 11:55:12 PM
This is the craziest thing I've seen in a long time.  For those of you in the 21st century .. you'll need to look at this on a pc. You also have to get out of your seat and walk away from your computer.
  People may think you're crazy. But it's well worth it.  ;)

When you look at this picture in a closer look you see its Albert Einstein .

But if you stand 5 meters distance. It will become Marilyn Monroe 



(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/marilyn.jpg)

Is this just the coolest thing??
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on May 24, 2008, 12:22:01 AM
This is the craziest thing I've seen in a long time.  For those of you in the 21st century .. you'll need to look at this on a pc. You also have to get out of your seat and walk away from your computer.
  People may think you're crazy. But it's well worth it.  ;)

When you look at this picture in a closer look you see its Albert Einstein .

But if you stand 5 meters distance. It will become Marilyn Monroe 



(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/marilyn.jpg)

Is this just the coolest thing??


Those of us in America use inches, feet and yards. ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: brosometal on May 24, 2008, 12:46:10 AM
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/mho.jpg)

There is no joke contained herein. Please relocate to the political section of the forum.

;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on May 24, 2008, 07:30:05 PM
Ol' Blue

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.  He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'You won't believe what modern education is  developing!  They actually have a program here in Laramie   that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!'

'That's amazing,' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $1,000' the young cowb oy says. 'I'll get him in the course.'

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out.  The boy calls home.

'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son ?' his father asks.

'Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm,' he says, 'but you just won't believe this.  They've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!'

'Read!' says his father, 'No kidding!  How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arriv es.

But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!'

'Dad, 'the boy says, 'I have some grim news.  Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked , 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?'

The father exclaimed, 'I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Walter45Auto on May 26, 2008, 10:21:27 AM
This is the craziest thing I've seen in a long time.  For those of you in the 21st century .. you'll need to look at this on a pc. You also have to get out of your seat and walk away from your computer.
  People may think you're crazy. But it's well worth it.  ;)

When you look at this picture in a closer look you see its Albert Einstein .

But if you stand 5 meters distance. It will become Marilyn Monroe 



(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/marilyn.jpg)

Is this just the coolest thing??


Yup Looks like Marilyn Munroe, WITH A Mustache........
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on May 26, 2008, 01:56:41 PM
I can't seem to get far enough away that she still don't look like that ugly Einstein dude. If she'd had his brains she'd probably still be alive.  ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 28, 2008, 12:26:00 AM
This just in…..  FROM  THE CNN INVESTIGATIVE BUREAU

        CNN reports that gas stations across the nation will start showing
 porn movies on the screens of the pumps so that you can see someone else
 get screwed at the same time you do!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 28, 2008, 12:30:25 AM
    Sunburn...........

           A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets horrible sunburn.

           He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted.
After being diagnosed with second degree burns.

           With his skin already starting to blister and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with Saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

           The nurse, who is rather astounded, says, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor?'

           The doctor replied, 'It'll keep the sheets off his legs.'
 
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 28, 2008, 04:24:54 PM
SEVEN KINDS OF SEX

Results of a recent research shows that the re are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex..
 * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
 * This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine ,and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex
* This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each o the r in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
 * This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on May 29, 2008, 10:16:25 PM
(http://www.huntingnut.com/modules/coppermine/albums/userpics/10127/normal_Redneck%20Swimming%20Pool.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 30, 2008, 03:16:22 PM
MEDICAL  INSURANCE EXPLAINED 
(Research done by the AARP Legal Department
)
 
 
Q. What does HMO stand for?
 
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase ,  "HEY  MOE."   Its roots go back to a
concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient
could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.
 

Q. I just joined an Arizona HMO.  How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
 
A. Just  slightly more difficult than choosing your parents.  Your insurer will provide you
with a book listing all the doctors in the plan.  The  doctors basically fall into two
categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see
you but are no longer participating in the plan . But don't worry, the remaining doctor
who is still in the plan and  accepting new patients has an office just 2 day's drive away
somewhere in northern New Mexico.
 

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures  require  pre-certification?
 
A. No. Only those you need.
 

Q.  Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
 
A.  Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
 

Q.  What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
 
A.  You'll  need to find alternative forms of payment.  
 

Q. My  pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand.
I  tried the generic medication, but it gave me a  stomach ache. What should I do?
 
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
 

Q. What if I'm away from home and I  get sick?
 
A. You really shouldn't do that.
 

Q.  I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem.
Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in  his/her office?
 
A.  Hard  to say, but, considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment, there's
no harm in giving it a shot .
 

Q.  Will health care be different in  the next decade?
 
A.  No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.  

 
 
 
To Your Good Health (because as you see, you'll need it!)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on May 30, 2008, 03:27:53 PM
(http://www.iowapresidentialwatch.com/images/cartoons/EmptySuit-Md.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 30, 2008, 04:33:40 PM
This has to be one of the funniest country songs ever written.......not the perfect one mind you.....no trains, dogs, pickup trucks, jail or Divorce........But a great country song.....

You'll need sound to appreciate this one.

http://denimandlace.50megs.com/1bigone.html   
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: someguy on May 30, 2008, 05:35:10 PM
Ah, yes - Horn Lake...  Just south of Memphis.  I was there this morning, in fact.

It still smells.  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on May 30, 2008, 06:54:36 PM
> 'Old Butch'
> John, the farmer,
> was in the fertilized egg business.  He
> had several hundred young layers
> (hens), also called 'pullets,' and ten
> roosters, whose job it was to fertilize
> the eggs.   The farmer kept records, and
> any rooster that didn't
> perform went into the soup pot and was
> replaced.
>
>
> That took an awful lot of his time, so
> he bought a set of tiny
> bells and attached them to his roosters.
> Each bell had a different tone
> so John could tell from a distance which
> rooster was performing.
>
>
> Now he could sit on the porch and fill
> out an efficiency
> report simply by listening to the bells.
>
>
> The farmer's favorite rooster was old
> Butch, a very fine specimen.  But on
> this particular morning, John noticed
> old Butch's bell hadn't rung at
> all.
>
> John went to investigate.  The other
> roosters were chasing pullets all over
> the place with bells-a-ringing. The
> pullets, upon hearing the roosters
> coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer
> John's amazement, old Butch had his bell
> in his beak, so it couldn't
> ring.
>
> He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job
> and walk on to the next one.
>
> John was so proud of
> old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew
> County Fair, and he became an
> overnight sensation among the judges.
>
> The result...  The judges not only
> awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize,
> but they awarded him the Pulletsurprise
> as well.
>
> Clearly
> old Butch was a politician in the
> making: who e lse but a politician could
> figure out how to win two of the most
> highly coveted awards on our planet by
> being the best at sneaking up on the
> populace and screwing them when they
> weren't paying attention.
>
> Vote carefully this year...the
> bells are not always audible.
>
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 31, 2008, 12:38:44 PM
:-[ I have to put this one on here.. ..........
once again apologizing for the content.. (http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/112.gif)


A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.

Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. 
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk:
'Dddoo youu hhhave ddiilldos?'

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies:
'Yes we do have dildos.

Actually, we carry many different models.'

The old woman then asks:
'Dddddoo yyyouu ccaarry a pppinkk onne, tttenn inchessss llong a aand aabbou ttwoo inchess ththiick...
aaand rruns by bbaatteries?'

   The clerk responds, 'Yes we do.'

 She asks:
'Dddoo yyoooouu kknnoooww hhhow ttoo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offffff?'

[/color]
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on June 02, 2008, 06:44:13 PM
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a
man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.  Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means
that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on June 03, 2008, 06:16:59 PM
Sadly, a true story although funny as all get out:

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,361382,00.html (http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,361382,00.html)

Surgeons Remove 16 Steel Washers From Man's 'Nether Region'
Monday, June 02, 2008
The Daily Telegraph

Hazardous Hardware?

An Australian man was operated on in Hornsby Hospital in Berowra Sunday where surgeons removed 16 stainless steel washers from "down under," The Daily Telegraph reports.

Berowra Fire Rescue officers were called to alleviate the man from his awkward predicament at 3 a.m. Berowra is a suburb of northern Sydney in the state of New South Wales, Australia.

It was not clear how the man's situation arose.

Fire rescue officers spent more than an hour unsuccessfully attempting to remove the washers, before the man was taken into an operating room about 4.30 a.m.

Surgeons took about 90 minutes to remove the washers using fire brigade equipment.

A hospital spokesman said equipment normally used to remove rings from fingers was ineffective because of the thicker nature of the washers.

The man was in a satisfactory condition.

It is believed the only lasting damage may be to his pride.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Take a look on the FoxNews webiste at the washers they removed from his - "nether regions". His pride is taking a beating cuz. the inner holes of the washers are so doggone small. If my - hmmmmm - johnson? - unit - member - whatever was small enough to fit into one of thsoe, I would have found a way to cut the washers off by myself to avoid the publicity!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on June 03, 2008, 08:43:08 PM
Joe and John were identical twins.

Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.

One day he rented out his boat to a group from out-of-state who sank it.

Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Therefore, Joe did not know that his brother John's wife had died suddenly that day.

When Joe got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old neighbor woman mistook him for John and said: 'I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.'

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: 'Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too.

Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those f our guys who were looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway.

The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!'

The old woman fainted.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Walter45Auto on June 03, 2008, 09:50:13 PM
Bill worked at a factory for 15 years, and was always bragging about all the important people he knew. He was Always bragging how he knew everybody. His boss had finally had enough of it, and decided he was gonna find SOMEBODY that Bill didn't know. So he said to Bill "I'll bet you don't know Dale Earnhardt Jr." So they went to Dale Jr.'s house and Dale came out and greeted his old friend Bill and Invited them in and they Sat around and talked for a while. Then they left, and Bill's Boss said "Allright. You know Dale Earhnardt Jr. But I'll bet you don't know President Bush." So they went to the white house got through security to go in, and while walking down the hallway bump into President Bush. President bush greeted them. "Hey there Bill! It's good to see you. I'm on my way to a Cabinet meeting, but I've got time to have coffee with my old buddy Bill." They get finished, and Bill's Boss is amazed that he knows President Bush. He said "I'll bet you don't know the pope!"  They went to see the pope, and there's a huge crowd of thousands of people waiting for the pope to come out on the balcony and give his address. Bill's boss said "There's no way we're gonna be able to get in to see the pope. There's just WAY too many people out here. We'll never get through!" Bill said "Wait here. I know a few of the security guards. I'll see if I can get us in." So about 15 minutes later, The pope comes out on the Balcony and Bill comes out right beside him, and they bothe wave to everybody. After the pope is finished with his address, Bill goes back outside to find his boss, and finds him passed out with paramedics all around him. They finally get him to come to and Bill asks "Are you allright? What Happened?" He said "You know Bill, I could take you knowing Dale Earnhardt Jr. I can handle you knowing President Bush. I could even take you knowing the pope.  But wht I couldn't belive was when you and the pope came out on the balcony and the guy next to me asked 'Who's that guy up there with Bill?' "
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on June 04, 2008, 06:37:02 PM
I appreciate jokes like this one.

Old Is not Dumb

             
            A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
             
            After several minutes, the older worker had enough. 'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,' he said. 'I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able
            to wheel back.'

            'You're on, old man,' the braggart replied.  'Let's see you do it.'

            The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, 'All right, Dumb Ass, get in.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on June 04, 2008, 06:45:24 PM
   :) ;)
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:

'Want coffee.'

The waiter says,'Sure, Chief. Coming right up.'

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
the waiter

'Want coffee.'

The waiter says 'Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?'

The Indian smiles and proudly says ..

'Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
leave mess for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day.'

 ;D ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ron J on June 04, 2008, 06:50:39 PM
Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain were on a plane flying to a debate.   Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, “You know I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy”.
 
Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, “I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.”

John added, “That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.”

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot; “Such big-shots back there.  I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy.”

I'm voting for the Pilot
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on June 04, 2008, 07:16:06 PM


(http://celebquiz.com/admin/wp-content/uploads/2007/05/barack_obama00004.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfack on June 04, 2008, 08:13:13 PM
^^^^

That is hilarious!  "Able to leap rising seas in a single bound."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 05, 2008, 02:04:54 AM
^^^^

That is hilarious!  "Able to leap rising seas in a single bound."

I liked Walter's joke better. Superman should be like one of those "Little Boy " fountians   ;D  B ho would benifit from a superwhizz  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on June 05, 2008, 06:20:39 AM
Found this on the net (where else?)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 05, 2008, 12:29:20 PM

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

 

'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

                               The teacher fainted... :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 05, 2008, 05:37:48 PM
The Definition of OLD..

First you tell your friends that you are having an  affair........

Then your friend asks you........
 'Are you having it catered???'

 :-\

THAT, my friends, is the definition of OLD!!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on June 05, 2008, 05:45:47 PM
Ouch, that hurts!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on June 05, 2008, 08:10:39 PM
(http://www.newsforreal.com/obama-0161.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on June 05, 2008, 08:57:22 PM
NAAAAA.

That's the definition of upper crust old.

Redneck old is telling your friend ya got a new honey hole and him asking for the GPS coordinates. ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: laemperatriz on June 05, 2008, 09:00:12 PM
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'.

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't
ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!' Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 06, 2008, 02:21:54 AM
A woman went to the emergency room and was seen by a young doctor, after about 3 minutes in the emergency room the young doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out of the emergency and ran down the hall screaming until she met an older doctor who asked her what was wrong, after listening to her story he calmed her down and sat her down in another room, then marched down to the young doctors office and demanded "Whats wrong with you ? This lady is 63 years old, has 2 grown children and several grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant .
The young doctor , without looking up from his clipboard asked, "Does she still have hiccups ?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ron J on June 06, 2008, 08:52:47 AM
A recent study conducted by Harvard University found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

A recent study by the American Medical Association found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

This means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon. 
 
Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be An American.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ron J on June 06, 2008, 04:43:07 PM
Post Turtle
   
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. 

Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President. 

The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Obama is a "post turtle"."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was. 

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a "post turtle"."

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain.  "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of a dumby put him up there."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on June 06, 2008, 05:01:18 PM
Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs

 

 

The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning.

As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.

 

As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.

 

One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.

Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.

 

'Hello!..Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello!'

 

For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello! Is anyone down there?'

 

Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing . ...

'Vote for Barack Obama! - Vote for Barack Obama!'

Snow White fell to her knees, crossed herself and prayed,

'Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive....

 
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 06, 2008, 11:12:00 PM
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough frequent flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if
they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen bring up the subject of sex.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
 "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,
weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful.
How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache.
All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on June 07, 2008, 11:11:10 AM
An Italian Boy's Confession
>
>
>
> 'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
>
> The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'
>
>
> 'Yes, Father, it is.'
>
> 'And who was the girl you were with?'
>
>
> 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
>
> Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as
> well tell me now.
>
>
> Was it Tina Minetti?'
>
> 'I cannot say.'
>
>
> 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
>
> 'I'll never tell.'
>
>
>
> 'Was it Nina Capelli?'
>
> 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
>
>
>
> 'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
>
> 'My lips are sealed.'
>
>
>
> 'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
>
> 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
>
>
>
> The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano,
> and I admire that.
>
> But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for
> 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
>
> Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
> whispers, 'What'd you get?'
>
>
>
> '4 months vacation and five good leads.'
>
> --
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dougdubya on June 07, 2008, 12:00:19 PM
Preacher's Donkey
 
A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the
Man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way
(being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the
Donkey go was to say, "Hallelujah!"
 
The only way to make the donkey stop was to say, "Amen!"
 
The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on
The animal to try out the preacher's instructions.
 
"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot.
"Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.
 
"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah" he rode
Off, very proud of his new purchase.
 
The man traveled for a long time through the mountains. As
He headed towards a cliff, he tried to remember the word to
Make the donkey stop.
 
"Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept
Going.
 
"Oh, no..."
 
"Bible...Church!...Please! Stop!!" shouted the man. The
Donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and
Closer to the edge of the cliff.
 
Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer: "Please,
Dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the
End of this mountain. In Jesus' name, AMEN."
 
The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the
Edge of the cliff.
 
"HALLELUJAH!" shouted the man.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on June 07, 2008, 02:50:59 PM
Obama video of the day. Stick to the teleprompter, Barack-O!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxBX8sz3tO8
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 10, 2008, 09:45:56 AM
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center
and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill.
People came from miles around to see the
famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced,
'Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up
here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize
each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a
beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. 'I want
you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my
family for six generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while
quietly chanting, Watch the watch, watch the watch,
watch the watch ...'

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and
forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the
swaying watch, until, suddenly, it
slipped from the hypnotist's
fingers and fell to the
floor, breaking into
a hundred pieces.

'Shit,' said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the senior center.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on June 10, 2008, 12:00:17 PM
Mexico Drops Out of 2008 Summer Olympics

President Felipe Calderon of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not
participate in the Beijing Summer Olympics this summer.

He stated: ''Casi todos los que pueden correr, saltar, o nadar ya han
salido del pais.''



Translation:

"Pretty much everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left our
country."

 ;D ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on June 10, 2008, 12:02:00 PM
Two Muslim mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the mums pulls out her bag and starts flipping through pictures and reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son, Mohammed. He would be 24 now'.

The other mum replies, 'I remember him as a baby.'

Mum says, 'He's a martyr now.'

'Oh, so sad my dear.'

Mum flips to another picture. 'And this is my second son, Kalid. He would be 21.'

'Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born.'

Mum sighs, 'He's a martyr, too.'

'Oh gracious me ,' says the second mother.

'And this is my third son. My beautiful Ahmed! He would be 18'. Mum whispers.

'Yes,' says her friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school.'

'He's a martyr also', Mum says, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photos and says...

'They blow up so fast, don't they?
 ;) ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on June 10, 2008, 01:46:33 PM
The Veterinarian

 

 
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church
found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

 
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by
curiosity, approached her.

 
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

 
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."

 
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

 
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

 
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

 
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

 
The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.'

  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 10, 2008, 06:55:53 PM
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter,
and she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident,
and I don't have any clean clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse.
So, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An older couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on June 10, 2008, 09:00:18 PM
 Future Profession

 

     



    An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it
     was getting time the boy should give some thought to
     choosing a profession. Like many young men his age,

     the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he
     didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the

    boy was away at school, his father decided to try an

     experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on

     his study table four objects.

     1. A bible.

     2. A silver dollar.

     3. A bottle of whisky.

     4. And a Playboy magazine.

     'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to
     himself.? 'When he comes home from school today,
     I'll see which object he picks up.
     If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like
     me, And what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the
     dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would

    be okay, too. Butif he picks up the bottle, he's going to be

    a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would

     be.And worst of all If he picks up that magazine he's going to

     be a skirt-chasing womanizer.'
    The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's

    foot- steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his

    room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to

     leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity

    in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
     Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
     He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.
     He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this

     month's centerfold.
     'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly
     whispered.'He' s gonna run for Congress.' :( >:( ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on June 11, 2008, 04:54:59 PM
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water,
 however, is a whole other issue."

"OLD" IS WHEN .. Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

"OLD " IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN .. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door .

"OLD" IS WHEN .. Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN .. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN .. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

"OLD" IS WHEN .."Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today

"OLD" IS WHEN .. "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN .. An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND "OLD" IS WHEN .. You are not sure these are jokes?
  :o

See everbody?? I can do clean jokes!~ ::)
(http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/Giggles.gif)


Damn it, SOME of them ain't funny!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ron J on June 11, 2008, 10:21:24 PM
This lady is down in New Orleans and has enjoyed the town. After a few drinks too many, she decides she wants a tattoo.

She starts walking down the side streets and finds a tattoo parlor. She staggers in and begins to enjoy the art. Finally, the manager and … probably the best tattoo artist in the Southeast finishes up a previous customer and comes up to her and asks if he can be of any help.

The lady says that she is a huge fan of Elvis and wants a tattoo of the rocker on the inside of her thigh. That way “The King” will be close to her … well, you get the point. So he shows her a half dozen different Elvis designs. She decides on one of the simpler, early Elvis designs. As he asks her to pull up her skirt so he could go to work, he finds that she is not wearing any panties and is going “commando”. No big deal, in a tattoo parlor in the “Big Easy”, you see it all.

Down between her knees, he gets to work. After a couple of hours he finishes and shows the young miss his work. She stands … looks down and is pissed. She screams, “What the hell did you do to my leg!! Who the hell is that?!? That’s not Elvis!!”

The artist is taken back. He thought it was one of his best works to date! He tells her to relax and that he would do another tattoo “free” to make her happy. She agrees and picks another Elvis for the inside of her other thigh. He pours her another drink and settles in between her legs to get back to work.   

After a couple of hours, he puts down his ink and lights up a smoke. She screams. “What the HELL have you done to my thigh!!!! You sonofabitch!! That’s not Elvis!!!! You ruined both of my legs!”

The artist is again taken back … and starting to feel the sting of his professional pride kick in. He’s good and she has two Elvis’ on her thighs that are perfect representations of the young and old Elvis. He takes a hit on his smoke and sees some drunk wondering by the front of his shop and grabs him by the scruff of the neck. He plants this guy on his chair, asks her to hike her skirt up for a third opinion.  As she hikes her skirt up, he asks, “OK!  Who do those two guys look like?!?”

The guy, a bit drunk looks from thigh to thigh. Stops. Belches. Looks again. Pauses and while shaking his head says, “I don’t know about those two guys … but the guy in the middle is Willie Nelson!”
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 11, 2008, 10:44:18 PM
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/126.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ichiban on June 12, 2008, 08:18:45 AM
Maybe this should go in the political forum. :)
----------------------------------------------------------
Captain Kirk for President.

I think he might just get my vote based solely on refreshing honesty.

http://www.wikio.com/video/273999 (http://www.wikio.com/video/273999)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 12, 2008, 11:00:48 AM
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high School
 reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging
her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asks,
 'Do you know her?'

 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I Understand
she took to drinking right after we split up those many
 years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since'

 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could
go on celebrating that long?'
 
So you see, there really are 2 ways to look at Everything.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 12, 2008, 11:19:37 AM
A blonde just texted me and asked “What does IDK stand for?” I said “I don’t know” she said “OMG no one knows!”
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/crazy.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 12, 2008, 01:03:06 PM
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/nocigar.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on June 12, 2008, 03:28:45 PM
The other day I went downtown to run a few errands.  I went into the local coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.'  He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires. So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said, 'Obama '08.'  I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.  The doctor tells me that it's important to my health. ;D ;D ;D ;D :D :D ;) ;) :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 12, 2008, 09:48:52 PM
A  professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture,  no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
 When he reached the front of the room,
The professor asks, 'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Bubba replied, 'Ghost !! Well Shiiiiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said 'Goats...'


(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/184.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on June 13, 2008, 01:37:55 PM

John Kerry gets an eyeful!

(http://www.postfunnypics.com/funny-blog-pictures/funny-001686.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on June 13, 2008, 05:52:39 PM
Late one night a State Trooper was watching traffic pass when he spotted a car weaving all over the road.  The tropper pulled in behind the car, turned on his lights and pulled the car over.  When he walked up to the car he was surprised to see the local parish priest behind the wheel.

"Why good evening, Father", said the trooper, "I couldn't help but notice that you were weaving all over the road as your drove.  Have you been drinking?"

"Certainly not", responds the priest.

The trooper shined his flashlight inside the car and noticed a bottle laying on the seat beside the priest.  "I don't mean to suggest that you would lie, Father," says the trooper, "but that looks suspiciously like a wine bottle on the seat beside you."

"Nonsense, my son", says the priest, "that's a bottle of holy water!"

The tropper responded, "Not that I don't trust you, father, but would you pass it to me, please?"

The priest passed the bottle to the trooper, who took a whiff of it's contents and said, "Father, your holy water smells suspiciously like wine!!"

"Well whaddaya know?" says the priest........."He's done it again!!"


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 13, 2008, 09:46:21 PM
John Kerry gets an eyeful!

(http://www.postfunnypics.com/funny-blog-pictures/funny-001686.jpg)


Can't really blame him for LOOKING,   (http://www.mazeguy.net/happy/applause.gif)
                                                               
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 13, 2008, 10:13:58 PM
One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion.
 "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.
Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 14, 2008, 12:49:24 AM
HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman sitting straight up, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man, "Oh my god, that must be my husband!"
The guy quickly jumped straight out of the bed, scared and naked... he jumped out the window like a crazy man.  He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush, jumped up and then started to run as fast as he could to his car.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband.!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

 And that folks............is how the fight started.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman1911 on June 14, 2008, 01:46:12 AM
Funny how I can laugh my a$$ off at 2:45 am, opps got go down the hall to catch it!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on June 14, 2008, 09:43:18 AM
John Kerry gets an eyeful!

(http://www.postfunnypics.com/funny-blog-pictures/funny-001686.jpg)

I'm sorry, got distracted. Who got caught?     ;)    ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: brosometal on June 15, 2008, 01:56:35 AM
A writer grows weary of the rat race. He yearns for the freedom of the outdoors and wide open spaces.  He forsakes all urbanity and packs up and leaves New York for the great Northwest.  He soon is living in a cabin deep in the forest half way up a mountain.  With his new found freedom he grows immersed in his work, writing almost constantly.  Before he is aware six months have passed and he hears a knocking on his door.  Perplexed, he rises and opens the door to reveal a mountain of a man dressed in flannel.  This man could be Paul Bunyan's brother.

"Can I help you" the writer asks.

"Why, yes."  The man boomed.  "I would like to invite you to a party at my house a little further up the mountain"

The writer is surprised but accepting of the offer.

"I have been writing for close to six months and have not seen a soul.  I think a party would do me some good." the writer replied cheerfully.

"Well, I have to warn ya, there is gonna be some drinkin'" the large man countered.

"Like I said," said the writer.  "I have been couped up here in the cabin for nearly six months a bit of alcohol could raise my spirits, pun intended"

The large man chuckled and fired back, "Well I'm gonna have to warn ya, there's gonna be some fightin'"

The writer mulled it over quickly and explained, "I moved here from New York.  I am a reasonably level-headed fellow and get along with most people.  But I can take care of my self."

Once again the large man chuckled to himself and once again he countered, "Well, I'm gonna have to warn ya, theres gonna be some f***in'."

While not particularly enamored with the large man's vocabulary, the writer explained, "Once again, I have been couped up in this cabin for a long time.  A man has needs, ya know?"

Once again the large man chuckled to himself.  After exchanging pleasantries the large man turned to leave and the writer began to close the door then he remembered, "Hey, what should I wear?"

The mountain of a man turned back to the writer, chuckled again, and replied, "It doesn't really matter.  It's just gonna be you and me!"


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on June 16, 2008, 04:15:26 PM
One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion.
 "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.
Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."


I resemble that remark!!!

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 16, 2008, 11:37:06 PM
Returning home from work, a blond was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.  She phoned the police at once and reported the crime.  The police dispatcher broadcast the call  and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. 
 
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blond ran out onto the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen.  I call the police for help, and what do they do?  They send me a BLIND policeman!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dharmaeye on June 17, 2008, 04:18:52 PM
Just got this email


A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security,
stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away
when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime
and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'

I had no Monet  to buy Degas
to make the Van Gogh.'

See if you have De Gaulle to send
this on to someone else.


I sent it to you because I figured
I had nothing Toulouse
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: brosometal on June 17, 2008, 04:33:35 PM
Just got this email


A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security,
stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away
when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime
and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'

I had no Monet  to buy Degas
to make the Van Gogh.'

See if you have De Gaulle to send
this on to someone else.


I sent it to you because I figured
I had nothing Toulouse


Ouch! stop the pun ishment
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on June 17, 2008, 04:39:50 PM
***GROAN*** (http://www.mazeguy.net/surprised/covereyes.gif) (http://www.mazeguy.net/sad/melodramatic.gif) (http://www.mazeguy.net/employed/jester.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: brosometal on June 17, 2008, 04:46:07 PM
its only a down hill slide from here.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on June 18, 2008, 09:37:56 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It has long been contended that there are male Jokes and there are female jokes, and there are unisex Jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke.


I offer it to you in the hopes
That women will love it And men will
Pass it along to a woman who will love it.!


A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven a tall,
Exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.


The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her (As All men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......


On one condition'


Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition Was. The man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, And then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, Which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly And meaningfully said....







'Clean my house.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 20, 2008, 12:31:14 AM
How right you are my friend.. LOL
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 20, 2008, 12:51:36 AM
OPEC sells oil for $136.00 a barrel.
OPEC nations buy U.S. grain at $7.00 a bushel.
Solution: Sell grain for $136.00 a bushel.
Can't buy it?  Tough!   Eat your oil!
Ought to go well with a nice thick grilled filet of camel ass!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on June 20, 2008, 05:28:08 AM
Marshall'ette, not a joke but a very good idea. 

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: CurrieS103 on June 20, 2008, 11:27:54 AM
+1 M'ette!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Grizzle_Bear on June 20, 2008, 12:48:06 PM


Why don't Mexican Schools have Sex Education and Drivers Education classes in the same semester?



It's too hard on the donkey!


 ;D

Grizzle Bear

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 21, 2008, 12:39:22 AM
Grizzle Bear! :o

(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/5.gif)

 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on June 22, 2008, 07:02:31 AM
Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on June 22, 2008, 12:06:42 PM
TAB...Go straight to the dog house, do not pass go and do not collect $200.

Richard

PS:  I thought I'd say it before Marshall'ette did!

PPS:  GOOD one by the way!!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: brosometal on June 22, 2008, 08:47:58 PM
Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

Despite votes to the contrary, this is a good one
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on June 22, 2008, 09:24:21 PM
Farmers, mostly older ones, will remember the Uni Harvestor (a combine like power unit that you could change units on for different crops and different styles of picking), many wood workers have seen or used the ShopSmith (an all in one power tool), however I think I have come up with one of the most diverse household tool around.  Last fall I took a dishwasher and turned it into a snowblower, and today I turned it into a lawn mower.  How did I do this you ask?  In a mere matter of minutes this afternoon I put her shovel away and filled the mower with gas for her.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 22, 2008, 09:50:08 PM
A man goes to a public golf course.

  He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I
would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."

  The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem,
  but
  all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this:
  We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to
  take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it
works,   your round of golf is on me today."

  The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.


  He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to
himself,   "I think my driver will do the job."

  The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No, sir. Use your 3 wood. 
 A driver is far too much club for this hole."

  Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball,
and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.


  The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.

  As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is
  gonna break left to right."

  The robot then again spoke up and said, "No, sir. I do believe this
  green will break right to left."

  He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice.

  But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played,
thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

  Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked,
"How was your game ?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played.
Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week!"

  A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon
  entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like
  18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."

  The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said,
  "Well, the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots.
  We had too many complaints."

  Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've
  complained about those robots? They were incredible."

  The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was
  that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them
  was blinding to other golfers on the fairway. "

  The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

  The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't
show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop,
and the other is running for President."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 22, 2008, 10:22:01 PM
IT'S ME, GOD, MONICA...

After a relaxing bath Monica Lewinsky was looking at
herself, nude in a mirror.

Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose
weight, was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God
for help.

'God.... If you take away my love handles, I'll devote
my life to you,' She prayed.



And just like that... her ears fell off.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: brosometal on June 22, 2008, 11:34:55 PM
IT'S ME, GOD, MONICA...

After a relaxing bath Monica Lewinsky was looking at
herself, nude in a mirror.

Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose
weight, was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God
for help.

'God.... If you take away my love handles, I'll devote
my life to you,' She prayed.



And just like that... her ears fell off.

Too funny!  In a related story, in high school one fellow had ears that stuck way out.  They were referred to as "jail house ears"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 25, 2008, 12:39:11 AM
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello.

He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says,

'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had sex
with on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner
whipped my butt with wet celery???' he asks.

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
(http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/blink.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 25, 2008, 03:25:52 AM
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello.

He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says,

'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had sex
with on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner
whipped my butt with wet celery???' he asks.

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
(http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/blink.gif)

Nice way to finish after reading a bunch of TAB's idiocy.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on June 26, 2008, 08:44:38 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to.'

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'

--------------------------------------------

The lessons from this story are:

1. Don't waste ammunition.

2. Don't mess with old people
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 28, 2008, 02:22:30 AM
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line. Just one lady in front of me . . an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today, I get hunat eighty? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'

The Asian lady said, 'Fluc you white people, too.'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 29, 2008, 02:01:00 AM
THE REPUBLICAN FISHERMAN
 
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She
 lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.
 
She shouted to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me?
 I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,
 but I don't know where I am.'
 
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, 'You're
 in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground
 elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31
 degrees,14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees,
 49.09minutes west longitude.'
 
She rolled her eyes and said, 'You must be a Republican.'
 
'I am,'replied th e man. 'How did you know?'
 
'Well,'answered the balloonist , ' everything you told me is
 technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your
 information,and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been
 much help to me.'
 
The man smiled and responded, 'You must be a Democrat.'
 
'I am,'replied the balloonist. ' How did you know?'
 
'Well,'said the man, 'you don't know where you are or
 where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due
 to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you
 have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve
 your problem. You're in exactly the same position you
 were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 29, 2008, 08:22:51 AM
THE REPUBLICAN FISHERMAN
 
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She
 lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.
 
She shouted to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me?
 I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,
 but I don't know where I am.'
 
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, 'You're
 in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground
 elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31
 degrees,14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees,
 49.09minutes west longitude.'
 
She rolled her eyes and said, 'You must be a Republican.'
 
'I am,'replied th e man. 'How did you know?'
 
'Well,'answered the balloonist , ' everything you told me is
 technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your
 information,and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been
 much help to me.'
 
The man smiled and responded, 'You must be a Democrat.'
 
'I am,'replied the balloonist. ' How did you know?'
 
'Well,'said the man, 'you don't know where you are or
 where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due
 to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you
 have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve
 your problem. You're in exactly the same position you
 were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.'



Wheres the joke ?    ???   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman1911 on June 29, 2008, 08:47:52 AM
Well I figured its time to make the call,so I dialed the number on the T.V. to J.G. Wentworth and told them "Its my money and I need it now!" So they asked me what structured settlement was it I wanted to cash in on?...Social Security. The bastards hung up!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on June 29, 2008, 09:24:10 AM
Well I figured its time to make the call,so I dialed the number on the T.V. to J.G. Wentworth and told them "Its my money and I need it now!" So they asked me what structured settlement was it I wanted to cash in on?...Social Security. The bastards hung up!

Seriously, LMAO!!!!!!  ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D

I wish I had thought of that.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 29, 2008, 11:19:29 AM
Well I figured its time to make the call,so I dialed the number on the T.V. to J.G. Wentworth and told them "Its my money and I need it now!" So they asked me what structured settlement was it I wanted to cash in on?...Social Security. The bastards hung up!

They may have hung up, but I bet it makes the company news letter   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 29, 2008, 12:41:57 PM
A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.

'How much do you want for the mower?' asked the preacher.

'I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,' said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, Will you take my bike in trade for it?'

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, 'Mister, you've got yourself a deal.'

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.

The preacher called the little boy over and said, 'I can't get this mower to start.'

The little boy said, 'That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started.'

The preacher said, I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss.'

The little boy looked at him happily and said, 'You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya."

 

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on June 30, 2008, 05:08:37 PM
This will make your cat hide!

Hang in there it gets good  :o (?) at the 1:05 mark.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LwkwC-eoknA&feature=related
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: 1Buckshot on June 30, 2008, 06:15:02 PM
Looking good mashal'ette.   ::)

Haz cat , You have to much time on your hand's.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Neon Knight Anubis on June 30, 2008, 06:38:42 PM
My ears.....are in pain.  :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on July 01, 2008, 01:33:34 AM
The 3 stages of a mans life.

Single

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/lion1.jpg)


Married

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/lion2.jpg)

Divorced

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/lion3.jpg)

ANY QUESTIONS?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jerry on July 01, 2008, 08:28:49 PM
Good one Ms M.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 03, 2008, 07:33:23 PM
     I became confused when I heard these terms which reference
the word service.  Internal Revenue Service,  U.S. Postal Service,
        Telephone Service, T.V. Service, Civil Service, City &
County Public Service, Customer Service, and Service Stations, etc.
       
        What does service mean?   Yesterday I overheard two farmers
talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to service a few cows.
BAM!!!   It all came into perspective.  I now understand what all  those
service agencies are doing for us.
       
        I hope you are as enlightened as I am.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ronrdrcr on July 06, 2008, 12:20:15 AM
     I became confused when I heard these terms which reference
the word service.  Internal Revenue Service,  U.S. Postal Service,
        Telephone Service, T.V. Service, Civil Service, City &
County Public Service, Customer Service, and Service Stations, etc.
       
        What does service mean?   Yesterday I overheard two farmers
talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to service a few cows.
BAM!!!   It all came into perspective.  I now understand what all  those
service agencies are doing for us.
       
        I hope you are as enlightened as I am.



So true...

Ron
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on July 08, 2008, 08:45:54 PM
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? "You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.


"I think you're bad luck... get the fook away from me."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: CZShooter on July 08, 2008, 08:58:39 PM
This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!   Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.   Awesome!!!   Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.   Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries,... right?   
 
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?   So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another.
 
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.   All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries, thinking to myself, "no possible way!"   What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....   I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
 
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!% !@*!!!   I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"   Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.   SON-OF-A- ... that hurt like hell!!!
 
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantle of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novacaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.   Still in shock...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: brosometal on July 08, 2008, 09:26:05 PM


Too funny!  The mental image alone is priceless, cat and all. :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 09, 2008, 04:08:01 AM
It's probably TRUE ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on July 09, 2008, 10:22:52 AM
TOP 10 SIGNS YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN..............

 


1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

10. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: shooter32 on July 09, 2008, 10:42:05 AM
wife and a taser might not be a good thing  :o :o :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jerry on July 09, 2008, 08:13:33 PM
CZ, that taser joke is the best story I've heard in a long time.  I was laughing so hard, I about couldn't finish reading it.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Magnum on July 11, 2008, 02:17:51 AM
Marshal'ette, you always come up with jokes that I "steal" to tell family and friends!!!!  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on July 11, 2008, 09:37:22 AM
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.  Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?"  She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.  Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."   

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 11, 2008, 11:40:25 AM
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.  Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?"  She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.  Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."  

My Co workers are gonna LOVE that one  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on July 11, 2008, 01:51:03 PM
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on July 11, 2008, 02:33:58 PM


How Men Can Screw Up A Romantic Evening...

 (http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/menromance.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on July 11, 2008, 09:58:55 PM
Bud Light............


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on July 11, 2008, 10:22:26 PM

How Men Can Screw Up A Romantic Evening...

 (http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/menromance.jpg)

Ah yes ... The Halloways auditioning for the latest American Standard commercial  :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on July 11, 2008, 10:26:00 PM
The difference ....She's a brunette  and I'm blond... but........................ :-\ :-\
The rest of it is pretty much right on target..
sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on July 12, 2008, 05:58:50 PM
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and fi nally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attach ed to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . Please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on July 12, 2008, 06:58:49 PM
SISTER MARY ANN'S GASOLINE

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out

making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of

gas. As luck would have it, an Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

 

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The

attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out,

but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on

the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her

car.

 

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas

and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always

resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station,

filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across

the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on July 12, 2008, 07:00:15 PM
My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'


 
 
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'


We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
 
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'



My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! ........You could learn a lot from him.'


We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
In capital letters,
 
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
 

 

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'
 





My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on July 13, 2008, 01:51:43 AM
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of used
   men's work boots, size 14-16.

2. Put them on your front porch, along with a copy of
   Guns & Ammo magazine.

3. Place a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and
   magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Hey Bubba:
Big Jim, Duke, Slim, and I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad.  I don't think Killer took part in it, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.
Cooter"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: blackwolfe on July 13, 2008, 02:04:12 AM
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/82437/all_the_trunk_monkeys/

I don't know if anyone has posted this yet, but it's hilarious.  I sure wish I could get one of these.  Hope the link works, I'm not to computer savy.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on July 13, 2008, 02:21:09 AM
Yep.. perfect for when I have to go into the city.. LOL
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 13, 2008, 02:34:18 AM
Trunk Monkey is GREAT LOL love the donut one and the car theif   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Neon Knight Anubis on July 13, 2008, 03:30:26 AM
*after five minutes of laughing hysterically*

That was the funniest thing I've seen all week! I have GOT to get me one of those!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ocin on July 13, 2008, 05:10:17 AM
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/82437/all_the_trunk_monkeys/

I don't know if anyone has posted this yet, but it's hilarious.  I sure wish I could get one of these.  Hope the link works, I'm not to computer savy.

(http://www.mazeguy.net/happy/applause.gif) (http://www.mazeguy.net/happy/applause.gif) (http://www.mazeguy.net/happy/applause.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on July 13, 2008, 06:50:18 AM
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/82437/all_the_trunk_monkeys/

I don't know if anyone has posted this yet, but it's hilarious.  I sure wish I could get one of these.  Hope the link works, I'm not to computer savy.

I ran across the trunk moneys a few years back. The cop/donut one is absolutely the best, although the girl on a date and the chimp with the shotgun is a very close second. The sound as the boy is about to kiss the girl and the shotgun slide ratchets had me on the floor.

I have them all on my iPod for those moments when I need a laugh.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on July 13, 2008, 11:20:44 AM
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket .  They hear a faint moan.   They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.  Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.  As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ocin on July 13, 2008, 01:03:34 PM
I found this one on another forum:

How many members does it take to change a light bulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been
changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...

another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is
"lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light
bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take
this discussion to a light bulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light
bulbs is superior, where to
buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this
technique and what brands are faulty

5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs

15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and their own light bulbs

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL's

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including
all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they
cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about
light bulbs"

1 moderator to lock the light bulb thread.

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and
start it all over again.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on July 13, 2008, 01:27:56 PM
I found this one on another forum:

How many members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and
start it all over again.


Yup, sounds like DRTV all right. For AR15.com, triple the numbers . . .  8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on July 13, 2008, 01:34:54 PM
Yup, sounds like DRTV all right. For AR15.com, triple the numbers . . .  8)

Somewhere along the way M'ette got left out ...

1 Hot babe to egg guys with two heads into something stupid and then pistol whip us when we act.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on July 13, 2008, 02:00:28 PM

Me Too!  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: brosometal on July 13, 2008, 07:04:36 PM
Hazcat,

I knew it wasn't going to be an "if" but a "when" ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tumblebug on July 13, 2008, 07:21:46 PM
 Lurker present & accounted for.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: someguy on July 13, 2008, 08:53:11 PM
You know, I would've put that list in a different order...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on July 13, 2008, 08:56:38 PM
Lurker present & accounted for.

Fine job you're doing at it too, T-bug, damn fine!!!

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 14, 2008, 12:12:51 AM
Changing light bulbs is a selfish waste of the worlds resources.  because you could fall off the chair you are standing on and cost your insurance company money   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ocin on July 14, 2008, 04:46:33 AM
From that same forum: How many women with PMS does it take to change a lightbulb?

Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY?  Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the # &%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!  AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!!  BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!  IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!

AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

…… I'm sorry. What was the question?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on July 14, 2008, 05:21:12 AM
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"  She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, "Well, why are you crying?"  She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."   
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"  She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 14, 2008, 07:28:55 PM
I don't know if this is a joke or not, but as a retired Army guy I found this amusing, and so I am passing it on here where I know there are a "few" good men from a sister service.

MARINE ETIQUETTE
The Commandant of the Marine Corps was General Al Gray, a crusty old 'Field Marine.' He loved his Marines and often slipped into the mess hall wearing a faded old field jacket without any rank or insignia on it. He would go through the chow line just like a private (In this way, he was assured of being given the same rations that the lowest enlisted man received. And, woe be it to the mess officer if the food was found to be 'unfit in quality or quantity').

Upon becoming Commandant, General Gray was expected to do a great deal of 'formal entertaining'...fancy dinner parties in full dress blue uniform. Now, the General would rather have been in the field ea ting cold 'C-rats' around a fighting hole with a bunch of young 'hard charging' Marines. But the General knew his duty and as a Marine he was determined to do it to the best of his ability.

During these formal parties, a detachment of highly polished Marines from 'Eighth and Eye' (Marine Barracks located at 8th and I Streets in Washington , D.C., home of t he Silent Drill Team) were detailed to assume the position of 'parade rest' at various intervals around the ball room where the festivities were being held.

At some point during one of these affairs, a very refined, big-chested, blue-haired lady picked up a tray of pastries and went around the room offering confections to the guests. When she noticed these Marines in dress blues, standing like sculptures all around the room, she was moved with admiration. She knew that several of these men were fresh from our victory in Kuwait. She made a beeline for the closest Lance Corporal, drew near him and asked, 'Would you like pastry young man?'

The young Marine snapped to 'attention' and replied,' I don't eat that shit, Ma'am.' Just as quickly, he resumed the position of 'parade rest.' His gaze remained fixed on some distant point throughout the exchange.

The fancy lady was completely taken aback! She blinked, her eyes widened, her mouth dropped open. So startled was she that she immediately began to doubt what she had heard. In a quivering voice she asked, 'W-W-What did you say?'

The Marine snapped back to the position of 'attention'(like the arm of a mousetrap smacking it's wooden base). Then he said, 'I don't eat that shit, Ma'am.' And just as smartly as before, back to the position of 'parade rest' he went.

This time, there was no doubt. The fancy lady immediately became incensed and felt insulted. A fter all, here she was an important lady, taking the time to offer something nice to this enlisted man (well below her st ation in life), and he had the nerve to say ; ;THAT to HER! She exclaimed, 'Well! I never...!' The lady remembered that she had met that military man in charge of all these 'soldiers' earlier. She spotted General Gray from across the room. He had a cigar clenched between his teeth and a camouflaged canteen cup full of bourbon in his left hand. He was talking to a group of 1st and 2nd Lieutenants. So blue haired lady went straight over to the Commandant and interrupted.

'General, I offered some pastry to that young man over there, and do you know what he told me?'

General Gray cocked his eyebrow, took the cigar out of his mouth and said, 'Well, no Ma'am, I don't.'

The lady took in a deep breath, confident that she was adequately expressing with her body language her considerable rage and indignation. As she wagged her head in cadence with h er words, and she paused between each word for effect, 'She said, 'I - don't - eat - that - shit - Ma'am!''

The li eutenants were in a state of near apoplexy. A couple of them choked back chuckles, and turned their heads to avoid having their smirks detected. The next thought that most of them had was, 'God, I hope it wasn't one of MY Marines!' and the color left their faces.
General Gray wrinkled his brow, cut his eyes in the direction of the lieutenants, put his free hand to his chin and muttered a subdued, 'Hummm Which one did you say it was Ma'am?,' the General asked.

'That tall sturdy one right over there near the window, General,' the woman said with smug satisfaction. One of the lieutenants began to look sick and put a hand on the wall for support.

General Gray, seemed deep in thought, hand still to his chin, wrinkled brow. Suddenly, he looked up and his expression changed to one indicating he had made a decision.

He looked the fancy lady r ight in the eyes and said, 'Well, f*** him! Don't give him any.'


When next you have a drink, raise a toast to the Marines.
God bless them all.
Semper Fi...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 15, 2008, 02:29:28 AM
ROFL ;D
  This is probably true. There are MANY stories about Gen. Grey. A young W.M. (Woman Marine) was trying to get home last Christmas but her flight was over booked and she got bumped. An older gentleman heard her problem and offered her a ride in his plane, she got home for Christmas and the General gained another admirer ;D
Gen. Grey is a GREAT Marine, and a truly GREAT American !
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ocin on July 15, 2008, 05:47:54 AM
Are you too dependant on your computer?

A simple question to test that:

Are you a boy or a girl?
Answer: pls. look down.



























































I told you to LOOK down, not SCROLL down!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on July 15, 2008, 06:37:02 PM
;D Ya got me on that one.  ;)




       THE PROBLEM WITH HIGH URINALS

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
 
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their privates to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.  Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in the fourth grade.'
 
HE REPLIED: 'No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race today.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 16, 2008, 01:15:08 PM
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes
through a severe storm.  The turbulence is awful,
and things go from bad to worse when one wing is
struck by lightning. One woman in particular
loses it.


 Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
'I'm too young to die,' she wails. Then
she yells, 'Well, if I'm going to die, I want
my last minutes on earth to be  memorable! Is
there anyone on this plane who can make me feel
like a WOMAN?'


For a moment there is silence. Everyone has
forgotten their own peril. They all stare,
riveted, at the desperate woman in the front
of the plane.


Then a cowboy from Wyoming stands up in the
rear of the plane.  He is handsome: tall,
well built, with dark brown hair and hazel
eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle,
unsnaping his shirt.


 One snap at a time........

 No one moves..................

 He removes his shirt................

 Muscles ripple across his chest..........

 She gasps....................


 He whispers................

'Iron this...then get me a beer.' :D



I know, I know, I am going to catch heck from Marshal'ette. ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: brosometal on July 16, 2008, 05:14:01 PM
That is kind of like when those Northeastern DJ's went to a Hillary rally and were yelling, "Iron my shirt"!  I still laugh at the audio from that one. ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on July 17, 2008, 04:01:32 PM
Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over, he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress: I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 19, 2008, 01:36:44 PM
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day there he takes off his clothes and
starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man
immediately


erection, comes over to  him and
says, 'Did you call for me?'  The man replies, 'No, what do
you mean?'

She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain.
It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies
you called for me.'
b
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming
pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her
and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities.
He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the
steam room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says
the hairy man.  'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule
that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.'
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over
a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where
he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist,
'May I help you?' she says.

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can
have the key back and you can keep the $5000
membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a
few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our
facilities.'

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old.
I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day.' :D

WE DON'T STOP PLAYING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD...

WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP PLAYING....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on July 22, 2008, 03:17:51 PM

The Beer Belly!


http://coolerfun.com/Beer_Belly.html
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on July 22, 2008, 03:31:38 PM
HOT  DAMN !!!

Anything endorsed by Larry the Cable Guy is a must have !!!

Just can't figure out whether to order the beer belly or the wine rack first  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on July 22, 2008, 08:38:54 PM
Whew  :P

Wifey almost had to call the ambulance to take care of my seizures  :o

I was looking at the cooler scooter and saw it had a weight limit of 200#  :'(

Thank God they have the 500 rated for 300# and have also come out with the gas rated for 350#  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

I was really concerned that this full figure guy was going to have to go without and actually have to carry his brew.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on July 22, 2008, 11:51:37 PM
Bill can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor.

The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.

Bill asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him they take some muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.

Bill says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he says ok.

; The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later he gives Bill the go ahead to 'try out his new equipment'.

Bill takes his wife out to dinner . While at dinner Bill starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.

No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs an apple from the fruit basket, and disappears back into his pants.

His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, 'That was pretty cool!! Can you do that again?'

With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Bill says, 'Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my ass.'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on July 23, 2008, 11:32:00 AM
Catherine, one of my son's friends when he was
little, told me that she wanted to be President one day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there with us - and I
asked Catherine - 'If you were President what would be the first thing you
would do?'

Catherine replied - 'I would give new houses to all the homeless people.
Then they would have a place of their own to live'

'Wow - what a worthy goal you have there, Catherine.'  I told her, 'You
don't have to wait until you're Presiden t to do that, you can come over to
my house and clean up all the dog poop in the back yard and I will pay you
$15 dollars.  Then we can go over t o the grocery store where the homeless
guy hangs out and you can give him the $15 dollars to use for a new house.'

Catherine (who was about 4) t hought that over for a second, while her mom
looked at me seething, and Catherine replied, 'why doesn't the homeless guy
come over and clean up the dog poop and you can pay him the $15 dollars.'



Welcome to the Republican Party!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: shooter32 on July 23, 2008, 01:58:20 PM
Jay,
Right on the money ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on July 23, 2008, 05:15:56 PM
Retirement plans compared...


If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would Now
be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have
$49.00 left.

If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.

But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank All
the beer, then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advise is to drink
Heavily and recycle.

This is called the 401-Keg Plan.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on July 23, 2008, 06:15:28 PM
The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers
that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the
sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie
for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie
for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie For $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater
Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the
othe rs only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced
Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture , Ken's
Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's testicles."




Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 23, 2008, 07:05:57 PM

After getting Pope Benedicts entire luggage loaded into the limo, (and He doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I'd reall y like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.

The Chief then asked, 'Who ya got there, the Mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'Governor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 23, 2008, 09:13:12 PM
Subject: Fw: Fwd: FW: dead donkey
 
Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
 
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
 
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
 
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
 
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
 
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
 
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
 
Chuck said, 'Sure I can Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
 
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
 
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'
 
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
 
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
 
Chuck grew up and works for the government.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on July 24, 2008, 12:14:28 AM
Proof Men Have Better Friends


 Friendship between Women:
 A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship between Men:
 A man didn't come home one night.
The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
 The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over,
 and two said that he was still there
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on July 24, 2008, 06:07:49 PM
Will I live to see 80?
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?
''Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
 Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on July 24, 2008, 10:36:18 PM
After watching Red Skelton's Pledge video I spent some time looking for my favorite joke he told.  However, I could not find it.  This is as close to an off color story I ever heard him tell:

When asked about his daily routine Red responded "When I wake up I take a deep breath "snifffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff," and if I don't smell flowers and burning candles I know it is safe to open my eyes.  Next I reach into the night stand form my Playboy and thumb through it to get my heart started."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on July 24, 2008, 10:40:20 PM
Another story from Red:

The secretary at the Vatican ran into the Pope's office and announced that he had good news and bad news.  The Pope asked what was the good news.  His secretary announced that Jesus and called and he was back.  The Pope excitedly asked what was the bad.  His secretary responded that Jesus had phoned from Salt Lake City.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ocin on July 25, 2008, 04:47:17 AM
Bill can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor.

The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.

Bill asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him they take some muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.

Bill says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he says ok.

; The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later he gives Bill the go ahead to 'try out his new equipment'.

Bill takes his wife out to dinner . While at dinner Bill starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.

No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs an apple from the fruit basket, and disappears back into his pants.

His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, 'That was pretty cool!! Can you do that again?'

With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Bill says, 'Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my ass.'



The doctor should have prescribed cigars instead  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 25, 2008, 04:48:49 PM


 A woman, married three times, walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding

gown for her fourth wedding.

 

'Of course, madam,' replied the sales clerk, 'exactly what type and color are you looking for?'

 

The bride to be said: 'A long frilly white dress with a veil.'

 

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, 'Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature is considered more

appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean?

Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?'

 

'Well,' replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, 'I can assure you that a white gown would be quite

appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.

You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding; he died as we were checking into our hotel.

My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.'

 

'What about your third husband?' asked the sales clerk.

 

'Oh, he was a Democrat,' said the woman, 'and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how
good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.'

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: twyacht on July 25, 2008, 06:44:18 PM
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of North Carolina for
some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Save the Whales' hat, and a 'To Hell with Bush' T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of an 8 foot black bear.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Conservative loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp; then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck, while the third tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Conservative loggers and Democratic Environmental Activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, 'Who was that guy?' 'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom.'

'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom but he sure don't know nothin about bear huntin! Is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Chapel Hill and get another one?'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on July 25, 2008, 07:29:13 PM
On my ride the other evening we stopped of for a "beverage" and I saw my next t-shirt being worn by a 250# bartender in need of a shave ... last week.  I'm looking for it in at least 2XL if not 3XL, but I'm sure those are the only sizes it comes in.

What did it say ?

In pretty pink script across his chest (I think he was at least a C cup) it said "I'm the hot chick you were hittin on last night"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on July 26, 2008, 02:55:52 PM
I didn't realize it, but these coupons are good for one gallon of gas at most retailers.

I have seen them around, but never knew what they were good for.

You probably have one lying around somewhere.

Make sure you use it before it expires.



Scroll down

 
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/forum/pointfinger.gif)















(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/five.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on July 26, 2008, 03:24:15 PM

(http://img510.imageshack.us/img510/8207/algoregunzk9.jpg)

Come up with your own caption for this photo.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ocin on July 26, 2008, 04:13:25 PM
(http://img510.imageshack.us/img510/8207/algoregunzk9.jpg)

Come up with your own caption for this photo.

Newest innovation in handgun technology, developed by the self defense department of the Brady Bunch: "protect yourself from home invasion with this state of the art weapon without risking harm to others"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MinotBob on July 27, 2008, 06:42:28 AM
Newest innovation in handgun technology, developed by the self defense department of the Brady Bunch: "protect yourself from home invasion with this state of the art weapon without risking harm to others"

Oldie but a goodie - Smithcowski & Wessonovich
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on July 27, 2008, 08:49:21 AM
(http://i125.photobucket.com/albums/p78/hazcater/Guns/AssaultWeapon-1.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: brosometal on July 27, 2008, 07:55:39 PM
(http://img510.imageshack.us/img510/8207/algoregunzk9.jpg)

Come up with your own caption for this photo.

The newest in self defence weapons will be handed out to attendees at the Democratic Covention in Dever.  Viva la Republica!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MinotBob on July 31, 2008, 12:34:32 AM
SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE
This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended!
This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff
voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.

This is the actual answering machine message for the
school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students
and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing
homework.

The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want
their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though
those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not
complete enough school work to pass their classes.

                 The outgoing message:

'Hello! You have reached the automated answering service
of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff
member, please listen to all the options before making a selection: '

'To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1'

'To make excuses for why your child did not do his work -Press 2'

'To complain about what we do - Press 3'

'To swear at staff members - Press 4'

'To ask why you didn't get information that was already
enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5'

'If you want us to raise your child - Press 6'

'If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7'
'To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8'

'To complain about bus transportation - Press 9'

'To complain about school lunches - Press 0'

'If you realize this is the real world and your child must
be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work,
homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of
effort: Hang up and have a nice day!'

'If you want this in Spanish, move to a country that speaks it!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 31, 2008, 02:22:33 AM
SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE
This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended!
This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff
voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.

This is the actual answering machine message for the
school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students
and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing
homework.

The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want
their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though
those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not
complete enough school work to pass their classes.

                 The outgoing message:

'Hello! You have reached the automated answering service
of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff
member, please listen to all the options before making a selection: '

'To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1'

'To make excuses for why your child did not do his work -Press 2'

'To complain about what we do - Press 3'

'To swear at staff members - Press 4'

'To ask why you didn't get information that was already
enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5'

'If you want us to raise your child - Press 6'

'If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7'
'To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8'

'To complain about bus transportation - Press 9'

'To complain about school lunches - Press 0'

'If you realize this is the real world and your child must
be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work,
homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of
effort: Hang up and have a nice day!'

'If you want this in Spanish, move to a country that speaks it!'


OUTSTANDING !
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ocin on July 31, 2008, 07:14:27 AM
Got this from http://www.smilezilla.com

Fun With Buttered Bread and Cats

Question: If when you drop a buttered piece of bread, it drops butter side down and a cat always lands on its feet. What would happen if you took a piece of buttered bread, strapped it on the back of a cat (butter side up) and dropped it?

Answer: Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash it's furry back.

If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall.

That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.

Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred cats.

The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and irritated aliens crash on top of them.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 31, 2008, 11:28:34 AM
Got this from http://www.smilezilla.com

Fun With Buttered Bread and Cats

Question: If when you drop a buttered piece of bread, it drops butter side down and a cat always lands on its feet. What would happen if you took a piece of buttered bread, strapped it on the back of a cat (butter side up) and dropped it?

Answer: Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash it's furry back.

If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall.

That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.

Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred cats.

The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and irritated aliens crash on top of them.


That gets the work day off to an appropriate start ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on July 31, 2008, 11:55:13 AM
Actually, if you tie a slice of buttered bread to the back of a cat it lands on its side.....the bread counteracts the natural ability of the cat to land on its feet!

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on July 31, 2008, 01:22:40 PM
Actually, if you tie a slice of buttered bread to the back of a cat it lands on its side.....the bread counteracts the natural ability of the cat to land on its feet!

Richard

HEY  HAZ ... get over here, we've got a theory to test
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on July 31, 2008, 02:06:10 PM
If it's French bread, will the cat retreat?




(I'm not bashing the French, it's just a joke)
(besides, I like their taters)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on July 31, 2008, 02:07:03 PM
Haz-

You could learn a thing or two from this cat:
(http://www.myownjournal.com/i/entry_images/3279_Cat%20holds%20gun.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on July 31, 2008, 05:21:06 PM
 Mark Your Calendar For Next Saturday!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see
any woman other than his wife naked. He must commit suicide
If he does.

So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women
are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help
weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-
terrorist effort.

All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in
front of their house to prove they are not Muslims, and to
demonstrate they think it’s okay to see nude women other than
their wife, and to show support for all American women.

Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at
your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment.

The American government appreciates your efforts to root out
terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist
activity. God bless America!

It is your patriotic duty to pass this on. If you don't send this to
at least 5 people you're a terrorist sympathizing lily-livered
coward and are in the position of posing as a national threat!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on July 31, 2008, 05:22:42 PM

For anyone considering a military career, this will explain the
differences between the military services.... 

For those of you already serving/served, you already knew this:-)


Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you
meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start
with a '4.'
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life
is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral &
diagonal preferred)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or
tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention
to shoot.


Navy SEAL's Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust Speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.


US Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from 'Higher' to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.


US Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LTs; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.


US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask 'What is a gunfight?'
5. Request more funding from Congress with a 'killer' Power Point
presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen and invite DOD & defense
industry
executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close
enough to have tax exemption.


US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines
Go Navy !

And the next... (You've got to love the military, and God bless them
all.)

U.S. Navy Directive 16134 (Inappropriate T-Shirts) -- The following
directive was issued by the commanding officer of all naval
installations in the Middle East.  (It was obviously directed at the
Marines.)

To: All Commands
Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts
Ref: ComMidEast For Inst 16134//24K
All commanders promulgate upon receipt.

The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any
military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East:

1. 'Eat Pork or Die' [both English and Arabic versions]
2. 'Shrine Busters' [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery
shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]
3. 'Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy' [Both English and Arabic versions]
4. 'Goat - it isn't just for breakfast anymore.' [Both English and
Arabic versions]
5. 'The road to Paradise begins with me.' [Mostly Arabic versions, but
some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs.]
6. 'Guns don't kill people. I kill people.' [Both Arabic and
English
versions]
7. 'Pork. The other white meat.' [Arabic version]
8. 'Infidel' [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]

The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of
this directive. In addition, the following signs are to be removed upon
receipt of this message:

1. 'Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range at 0800
Daily.'
2. 'Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dummies?'

All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon
receipt.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on July 31, 2008, 06:52:03 PM
Dayumm - that is funny. Especially after seeing the Navy Seal from Seal Team 10 at the NRA convention.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tumblebug on July 31, 2008, 07:29:56 PM
BULLSEYE+10
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: dj454 on July 31, 2008, 10:13:09 PM
Haz-

You could learn a thing or two from this cat:
(http://www.myownjournal.com/i/entry_images/3279_Cat%20holds%20gun.jpg)
Laughing my a** off.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Grizzle_Bear on August 01, 2008, 08:31:40 AM
From the “Telegraph” newspaper in the U.K.

The world's oldest jokes revealed by university research

Academics have unearthed what they believe to be Britain’s oldest joke, a 1,000-year-old double-entendre about men’s sexual desire.
 
By Stephen Adams, Arts Correspondent


 Researchers found examples of double-entendres buried in the Codex Exoniensis, a 10th century book of Anglo-Saxon poetry held at Exeter Cathedral

They found the wry observation in the Codex Exoniensis, a 10th century book of Anglo-Saxon poetry held at Exeter Cathedral.

It reads: “What hangs at a man’s thigh and wants to poke the hole that it’s often poked before?’ Answer: A key.”

Scouring ancient texts, researchers from Wolverhampton University found the jokes laid down in delicate manuscripts and carved into stone tablets up to three thousand years old.

Dr Paul MacDonald, a comic novelist and lecturer in creative writing, said ancient civilizations laughed about much the same things as we do today.

He said jokes ancient and modern shared “a willingness to deal with taboos and a degree of rebellion.”

“Modern puns, Essex girl jokes and toilet humour can all be traced back to the very earliest jokes identified in this research,” he commented.

Lost civilisations laughed at farts, sex, and "stupid people" just as we do today, Dr McDonald said.

But they found evidence that Egyptians were laughing at much the same thing.

"Man is even more eager to copulate than a donkey - his purse is what restrains him," reads an Egyptian hieroglyphic from a period that pre-dates Christ.

The study, for a digital television channel, took Dr McDonald and a five-strong team of scholars more than three months to complete.

They trawled the internet, contacted dozens of museums, and spoke to numerous private book collectors in a bid to track down modern, interpreted versions of the world's oldest texts.

The team then read the texts to find hidden jokes, double-entendres or funny riddles.

Dr McDonald said only those jokes that were amusing in an historical and modern context were included in the list.

Dr McDonald, a comic novelist and a senior lecturer in creative writing, added: "We began with the assumption that the oldest forms of jokes just would not have modern day appeal, but a lot of them do.

The world's oldest surviving joke "is essentially a fart gag", he said.

The 3,000-year-old Sumerian proverb, from ancient Babylonia, reads: "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."

The joke has echoes of actor John Barrymore's quip: "Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock."

Dr McDonald commented: "Toilet humour goes back just about as far as we can go."

Steve North, from Dave television, said: "What is interesting about these ancient jokes is that they feature the same old stand up comedy subjects: relationships, toilet humour and sex jokes.

"The delivery may be different, but the subject matter hasn't changed a bit."

Guess we're not doing anything new here......

Grizzle Bear
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 01, 2008, 12:11:11 PM
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door a and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances."

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . Kill her!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn.

She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet ..

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."


 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 01, 2008, 12:57:04 PM
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door a and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances."

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . Kill her!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn.

She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet ..

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."


 ;D


That actually has a basis in history. Early recruits to the OSS (WWII forerunner to the CIA) were taken to a hotel in NY and told that the occupant of room X was a Nazi Agent, the recruit was given a pistol  and told to kill him. Unknown to the recruit the bullets were wax and the "target" was wearing a padded jacket.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on August 01, 2008, 05:00:09 PM
 
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, 'You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.'

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, 'And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. Now our services are always  packed to the balcony.'


'Thank you, Father,' answered the young priest. 'I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.'

'All of these ideas have been well and good,' said the elderly priest, 'But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.'

'But Father,' protested the young priest, 'my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!'

'Yes,' replied the elderly priest, 'and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof.'

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 01, 2008, 06:14:51 PM
That's not so funny. Early recruits to the OSS (WWII forerunner to the CIA) were taken to a hotel in NY and told that the occupant of room X was a Nazi Agent, the recruit was given a pistol  and told to kill him. Unknown to the recruit the bullets were wax and the "target" was wearing a padded jacket.

It is in the realm of the classic "husband vs. wife" context that was meant by the joke.

Lighten up...it's a JOKE thread.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 01, 2008, 06:18:17 PM
Hope this don't offend anyone:

John, the farmer, was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too.
But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing.
The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair, and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...
The judges not only awarded old Butch the 'No Bell Piece Prize', but they awarded him the 'Pulletsurprise' as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.


Vote carefully this year.........you can't always hear the bells... 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 01, 2008, 08:43:05 PM
It is in the realm of the classic "husband vs. wife" context that was meant by the joke.

Lighten up...it's a JOKE thread.


Not saying I was offended, I laughed first (although my ex probably would have done the same thing) THEN I posted about the historical aspect. I went back and rephrased the first line of my post to more clearly convey my meaning.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 01, 2008, 09:20:16 PM
It's all good. I don't intentionally try to rile people up.
But, I am human (with some mechanical parts..ha ha) and sometimes type faster than I think.

For the most part, I think we're all in the same book, chapter, and on the same page (may be on different paragraphs from time to time, though).

So, I'll have a shot of bourbon and you have a shot of your favorite poison (if you're inclined to pull a cork) and we'll toast to a good laugh.
I could use a good laugh.
 ;D


Three little boys were sitting around talking about their fathers.

The first boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings."

The second boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings out of his nose."

The third boy said, "Well, my dad can blow smoke rings out of his ass."

The first and second boys where amazed.

The second boy said, "Have you seen him do it?"

"No," said the third boy, "but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear."  
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on August 02, 2008, 09:04:32 AM
A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate
their marriage, when the new bride says to  the husband, 'I have a confession to make,I'm not a virgin.'
The  husband replies, 'That's no big thing in this day and age.'The wife continues, 'Yeah, I've been with one guy.'
'Oh yeah? Who was the guy?'
'Tiger Woods.' 'Tiger Woods the golfer?'
 
'Yeah.'

'Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.'

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they  finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
'What are you  doing?' asks his wife.
The husband says, 'I'm hungry, I was going to  call room service and get
some food.'

'Tiger wouldn't do that!' she  claims.
'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

'He'd come back to bed  and do it a second time.'

The husband puts down the phone and goes  back to bed to make love with
his wife a second time. When they finish, he  gets up and goes over to the phone.

'What are you doing?' she asks.
The husband says, 'I'm still hungry so I was going to call room  service
to get some food.'

'Tiger wouldn't do that,' again she claims.
'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

'He'd come back to bed and do  it a third time.'

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed  and makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he's tired and beat.  He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks,  'Are you calling room service?'

'No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 02, 2008, 12:45:35 PM



Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you
meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start
with a '4.'
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life
is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral &
diagonal preferred)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or
tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention
to shoot.





OOO RAH!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: DesertMarine on August 02, 2008, 03:01:02 PM

OOO RAH!!

Gung Ho
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 02, 2008, 05:07:15 PM
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....

It reads:
 
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....
 
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
 
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
 
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
 
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
 
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
 
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
 
He climbs the steps and rings the bell.
The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'
 
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.....'
 
'Very well my son. Please follow me.'
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, ' Please knock on this door.'
 
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door...
This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
 
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
 
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
 
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on August 04, 2008, 01:27:14 AM
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/sign.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on August 04, 2008, 06:10:59 AM
A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

 Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'

The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars.   I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?''

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'

 The journalist leaves.   

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 04, 2008, 11:32:55 AM
A salesman was traveling through the country side, selling insect repellent.
He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. 'Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I  guarantee it.'
The farmer was dubious. 'Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll  tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If  there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you. And get everyone in the county to buy a case; we'll make you rich.'
The salesman was delighted.
They went to the field and he stripped.
The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a  stake, then off to bed went the farmer.
The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield.
Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him.
Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly,  haggard and drawn, but not one bite on him.
The farmer was perplexed. 'Son,' he said, 'Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?' The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, 'Doesn't that calf have a mother? 

 :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on August 04, 2008, 12:43:23 PM
A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM ARIZONA, COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE
DIED.

HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRAND-CHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15 FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 04, 2008, 12:46:52 PM
A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM ARIZONA, COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE
DIED.

HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRAND-CHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15 FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.

 ;D ;D Now that was funny!!!  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on August 05, 2008, 12:50:25 AM
There is always to sides to every issue and unexpected consequences .

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti- hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Grants Pass, OR. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'

He smiled and then told her, 'Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down.'


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: DesertMarine on August 05, 2008, 12:55:22 PM
 
AS A MOM PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE
BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER
DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR. SHOCKED, SHE ASKED:
 
 
WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?'
 
 
THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: 'MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND THIS
THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND! PLEASE, GO AWAY AND
LEAVE ME ALONE.'
 
 
THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER
SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS
DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR.
 
 
TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID, 'DAD I'M
THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO
A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'
 
A COUPLE DAYS LATER, MOM CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE
GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM,
OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM.
 
 
SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING
A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE
COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.
 
 
THE WIFE ASKED: 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?'
 
 
THE HUSBAND REPLIED: 'I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW.'
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 05, 2008, 02:45:07 PM
Five Surgeons

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second from Chicago responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon from Dallas says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon from Washington, DC shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 05, 2008, 02:49:56 PM
A man owned a small farm in Wisconsin.

The Wisconsin State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the agent.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit,' says the agent.

'You already are,' replied the farmer.


Title: Blonde Cowboy...
Post by: santahog on August 05, 2008, 07:55:01 PM
Blonde Cowboy
________________________________________
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the street with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks, "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says: "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

"We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt, so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants, so I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts, so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.'

And here I am."

Son of a Gun, Blonde Men do exist.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 06, 2008, 12:39:15 PM
Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:

Walmart Employee: 'Hello, how can I help you?'

Customer: ' I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.'

Walmart Employee:  'What you want on the cake?'

Customer:  'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that 'We will miss you'.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: DesertMarine on August 06, 2008, 05:28:43 PM
*CATHOLIC HORSES *
 
One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
 
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
 
Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race
horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
 
Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
 
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.
 
Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.  As the races continued,
the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.
 
By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he
knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
 
True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
 
Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
 
Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a
state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.
 
Confronting the old priest he demanded, "Father! What happened?
 
All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race,
the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost
every cent of my savings - all of it!"
 
The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.  "Son," he said, "that's the problem with you Non-Catholics, you can't tell the difference between a
simple blessing and last rites.."
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tman on August 06, 2008, 05:31:44 PM
A farmer has this hen he fed nothing but sawdust, she laid 12 eggs, when they hatched eleven chicks had wooden legs, the twelfth well, he turned out to be a woodpecker.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: brosometal on August 06, 2008, 07:27:30 PM
A farmer has this hen he fed nothing but sawdust, she laid 12 eggs, when they hatched eleven chicks had wooden legs, the twelfth well, he turned out to be a woodpecker.

Ouch!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 07, 2008, 03:20:07 PM
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulledby her dog & her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said.  'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar instead of his testicles, I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
 :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on August 07, 2008, 03:23:57 PM
Women ... Painfully practical!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 08, 2008, 01:11:19 PM
A 1st grade teacher was reading the story of the 'Three Little Pigs' to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read, 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'
 
The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'
 
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the man would have said - 'Well, I'll be damned!! A talking pig!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on August 08, 2008, 08:14:15 PM
(http://z.about.com/d/politicalhumor/1/0/c/z/1/obama_super_obama.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 09, 2008, 11:04:42 AM
Classic Man v Woman
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: DesertMarine on August 09, 2008, 06:45:45 PM
A  guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes- Ben z CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.

A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.'

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullshittin' me!

The social worker said, ' Yeah, well You started it.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 09, 2008, 06:53:36 PM
A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
 
A while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
 
The little boy replied, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine.'
 
The Priest said, 'No, son, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'
 
The little boy replied, 'You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on August 09, 2008, 07:44:48 PM
Only in Texas my friends... Only in Texas

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.   He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston, Texas.  He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy' s expense.

The deputy says,' License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer.

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law  License and registration, please!' the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair.  Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 09, 2008, 07:51:10 PM
The Presidential election was too close to call.
Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win.
There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things.
The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.
Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.
After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota.
There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties.
At the end of the first day, John McCain returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.
Soon, Obama returned and had no fish.
Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.
At the end of the 2nd day John McCain came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.
That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, "Obama, I think John McCain is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating."
The next night (after John McCain returns with 50 fish), Reid said to Obama, "Well, tell me, how is John McCain cheating?"
Obama replied, "Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 09, 2008, 09:35:32 PM
Have you ever heard that a dog "knows" when an earthquake is about to hit?

Have you ever heard that a dog can "sense" when a tornado is stirring up, even 20 miles away?

Do you remember hearing that before the December tsunami struck east Asia , dogs started running frantically away from the seashore, at breakneck speed?

Do you know that dogs can detect cancer and other serious illnesses and danger of fire?

Somehow they always know when they can 'go for a ride' before you even ask and how do those dogs and cats get home from hundreds of miles away?

I'm a firm believer that animals  - and especially dogs - have keen insights into the Truth.

And you can't tell me that dogs can't sense a potentially terrible disaster well in advance.
 
Simply said, a dog just KNOWS when something isn't right .. .
when impending doom is upon us . .
they'll always try to warn us.... !!

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on August 09, 2008, 10:34:33 PM
A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
 
A while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
 
The little boy replied, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine.'
 
The Priest said, 'No, son, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'
 
The little boy replied, 'You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson.


(http://i125.photobucket.com/albums/p78/hazcater/Fun%20Stuff/TigerFace.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MinotBob on August 09, 2008, 10:45:02 PM
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v239/BobHAJ/images.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 10, 2008, 12:32:21 PM
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 22 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that, Doc ?'

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. 'I have an older friend , much like you, who's an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. OUT of pure habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied , 'My point exactly'.

 :o :o :o :o :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on August 11, 2008, 08:06:47 PM
(http://www.schnittshow.com/timages/page/butt_us_olympics_bush.jpg)

(http://www.schnittshow.com/timages/page/handcheck_us_olympics_bush.jpg)

(http://www.schnittshow.com/timages/page/bushslapback.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: someguy on August 11, 2008, 08:42:30 PM
Boy, that last one just BEGS for a caption, doesn't it?  It's almost too easy...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ocin on August 12, 2008, 04:34:31 AM
(http://www.schnittshow.com/timages/page/butt_us_olympics_bush.jpg)

(http://www.schnittshow.com/timages/page/handcheck_us_olympics_bush.jpg)

(http://www.schnittshow.com/timages/page/bushslapback.jpg)

"Where's my laptop. I need to check my hotmail account for those bootleg viagra pill ads!"

It is too simple indeed  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 12, 2008, 01:49:04 PM
Boy, that last one just BEGS for a caption, doesn't it?  It's almost too easy...

"Here's a good spot to set my beer."

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on August 16, 2008, 01:01:37 AM
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for a physical.  All
his tests come back showing normal results.  The doctor
said, "George, everything looks great.  How are you doing
mentally and emotionally?  Are you at peace with God?"
 
George replied, "God and I are tight.  He knows I have
poor eyesight and he's fixed it so when I get up in the
middle of the night to go to the bathroom, "POOF"! the
light goes on.  When I'm finished, "POOF" the light goes
off."
 
Later in the day the doctor called George's wife, Ethel,
and said, "George is doing fine, but I had to call you
because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.  Is it
true that when he gets up during the night, the light goes
on in the bathroom and when he's finished the light goes
off?"
 
"Oh Lord help me! said Ethel, "he's peeing in the
refrigerator again!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ksail101 on August 16, 2008, 10:05:35 AM
This is better if it can be spoke so we will see how it turns out on here.

An Asian lady went to Canada for a vacation. she has a strong Japenese accent but speaks english well.
While up there she needed to exchange some money.
So she walks into the bank and gives the teller 10 dollars american and the lady gives her 11 back.
Well the day goes on and she spends her money.
The next morning she decides she needs more money exchanged,
so she walks into the bank gives the lady teller a 10 and this time she gets back only 7 dollars.
"She says hey, you rip me off lady. Yesterday you gave me 11 for 10."
The teller  replies " Fluctuation Ma'am"
The Asian lady says "No F***K you canadian"

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 16, 2008, 11:26:10 AM
Senator BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation in upstate New York .
HE spoke for almost an hour on HIS future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should HE one day become the President. HE referred to his career as a Senator, how he had signed 'YES' for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval.
Although the Senator was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his 'red sisters and brothers' .
At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - 'Walking Eagle'.
The proud Senator then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came to select the new name had given to the Senator.
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of crap it can no longer fly.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 17, 2008, 02:16:30 PM
A SWABBY JOKE:

The Chief noticed a new Seaman one day and barked at him to get over here.

'What is your name?' was the first thing the Chief asked the new guy.

'George,' the new guy replied.

The Chief scowled, 'Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal pansy ass stuff they're teaching Sailors in bootcamp today, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my
Sailors by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Chief. Do I make myself clear'?

'Aye, aye, Chief!'

'Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name ?'

The new guy sighed and said, 'Darling. My name is George Darling, Chief!'

'Okay----------------- George, here's what I want you to do...'
 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on August 17, 2008, 03:52:36 PM
(http://www.nerdtests.com/picsarea/c7975dc9584871ad81bb16c77587107c.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 17, 2008, 05:02:05 PM
A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down.

After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.

He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on August 17, 2008, 09:01:41 PM
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
 
  1. Open a new file in your computer.
  2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
  3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
  4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
  5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'
  6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
  7. Feel better?
   
     GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi!
 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 17, 2008, 09:37:48 PM
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
 
  1. Open a new file in your computer.
  2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
  3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
  4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
  5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'
  6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
  7. Feel better?
  
     GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi!
 




ROFL  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on August 18, 2008, 01:32:25 AM
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
 
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.
 
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
 
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


((( I know.. I know... That's so Bad... I should apologize... :-[   . ;D ;D ;D )))

*Marshal said I should put up a disclaimer on that one.. He just read it and shook his head and left the room. *  hahahaha
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on August 18, 2008, 06:55:20 AM

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.'
'Oh my goodness gracious ,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house again this week, too?'
The little girl replied, 'I will, if those assholes at Lowe's ever deliver the f*ckin' sheet rock...'
Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on August 19, 2008, 06:47:22 PM
COWBOY CHILI

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in McAllen, TX. He sits at the

counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly

at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there

staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you

ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

 

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in

his best cowboy manner says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'

 

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his

place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the

bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and

he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MinotBob on August 19, 2008, 09:54:00 PM
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v239/BobHAJ/darwinawards.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: RTFM on August 20, 2008, 08:11:25 AM
^ ^ ^  Speachless every tiome I see that ^ ^ ^

My Joke:

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers,
'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.


'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
chanting......

'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
Title: clocks
Post by: 2HOW on August 20, 2008, 01:32:45 PM
 
 A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at
 the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
 He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'
 St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
 Lie-Clock.
 Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.
 'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'
 'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating
 that she never told a lie.'
 'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'
 St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands
 have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire
 life.'
 'Where's Barrack Obama's clock?' asked the man.
 'Obama's clock is in Jesus' office.
 He's using it as a ceiling fan.
 
 
 
Title: Re: clocks
Post by: ericire12 on August 20, 2008, 01:44:54 PM
I've heard that before as a Hillary joke
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on August 20, 2008, 02:41:31 PM
A Day in 2009
 
One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across
Pennsylvania Avenue , where he'd been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in
and meet with President Barack Obama."

 The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Obama is not President and doesn't reside
  here."
  The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to
the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Barack Obama".
 
   The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is
  not President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again
  walked away.

  The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the
  very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President
  Barack Obama"

  The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and
  said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to
  speak to Mr. Obama.  I've told you already several times that Mr.
  Obama is not the President and doesn't reside here.  Don't you
  understand?"

  The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing
  your answer!"

  The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 20, 2008, 02:46:03 PM
An oldie, but a goodie:

Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane.

He turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to Obama, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said Obama. 'How about What Changes I Should Make To America?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?'

Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Then, do you really feel qualified to change America when you don't know s**t?
 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on August 20, 2008, 04:04:20 PM
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC)



Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear or are about to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said,

'Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?'

 'Wait a moment,' Socrates replied. 'Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three.'

 'Test of Three?'

 'That's correct,' Socrates continued. 'Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth.

Have you made absolutely sure that what you are
about to tell me is true?'

 'No,' the man replied, 'actually I just heard about it.'

 'All right,' said Socrates. 'So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness.   

Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?'

 'No, on the contrary...'

 'So,' Socrates continued, 'you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?'

 The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

 Socrates continued, 'You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?'

 'No, not really...'

 'Well,' concluded Socrates, 'if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?'

 The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.  This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

 It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 20, 2008, 05:38:55 PM
OK.......I just sprayed sweet tea all over my computer.....thanks.... ;D
Title: Re: clocks
Post by: Pathfinder on August 20, 2008, 06:35:11 PM
I've heard that before as a Hillary joke

It still works.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Grizzle_Bear on August 21, 2008, 01:16:28 PM
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC)




 It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.




Okay, I think we have a new winner for "Best Joke of the Thread."

 ;D

Grizzle Bear

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 21, 2008, 04:07:28 PM
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, 'I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him'.

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.'

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and asked if any one else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, 'I'm Jim, and I just want to tell my wife, the word is sternum.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on August 22, 2008, 11:30:02 AM
Ahhhhhhhhh Lawyers.... ::)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh..... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children.'

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. 'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So..... if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 22, 2008, 02:25:54 PM
John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop. 
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. 
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. 
Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, uh, my wife Michelle, uh, will smell that, uh, and think I've been in a whorehouse'.   
The second barber turned to McCain and said, 'How about you?'
McCain replied, 'Go ahead, friend, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on August 22, 2008, 05:30:19 PM
Little Suzy had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to give away, so she had them out on
the street corner with a sign "FREE KITTENS" next to them.

Suddenly a big line of big black cars came up with a policeman on a motorcycle in front.

The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car.

"Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?" he asked.

"Kittens" Little Suzy says. "They're so small, their eyes are not even open yet."

"What kind of kittens are they?" he asked.

"Democrats" says Little Suzy.

The tall man smiled, returned to his car and they drove away.

Sensing a good photo opportunity, Sen. Obama called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

It was planned that they would retu rn the next day, have all the media there and tell everyone about these great kittens.

The next day, Little Suzy is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens with the "FREE KITTENS" sign and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

Everyone had their cameras ready and then, Sen. Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Little Suzy.

"Now, don't be frightened," he said, "I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today."

"Yes sir," Suzy said, "The are all REPUBLICAN kittens."

Taken by surprise, Sen. Obama said, "But yesterday, you told me that they were DEMOCRATS."

Little Suzy says, "Yes, I know.  But today, they have their eyes open."






Just to be clear: I do not claim to be a Republican or a Democrat. But a good joke is a good joke.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 22, 2008, 06:56:31 PM
A 70-year-old Texas Rancher got his hand caught in a gate while working cattle.

He wrapped the hand in his bandana and drove his pickup to the doctor.

While suturing the laceration, the doctor asked the old man what he thought about Obama.

The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, that Obama's a 'Post Turtle.'"

Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked what a Post Turtle was.

The old man looked at him and drawled, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a Post Turtle."

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't really belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb bastard get down."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on August 23, 2008, 12:14:24 PM
>   > Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near
>   > the lake.
>   >
>   > The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I
>   > can't understand how
>   > you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age;
>   > we were the same size
>   > as kids. I just don't get it.'
>   >
>   > 'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been
>   > eating?'
>   >
>   > 'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.
>   >
>   > 'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
>   >
>   > 'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot
>   > by the Capitol.'
>   >
>   > 'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'
>   >
>   > 'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and
>   > wait for one to unlock
>   > the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake
>   > the shit out of
>   > them and eat 'em!'
>   >
>   > 'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see
>   > your problem. You're not
>   > getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish
>   > shaking the shit
>   > out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an
>   > asshole and a briefcase. :D ;D ;D :D ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 23, 2008, 12:21:51 PM
Now that was funny..... ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 23, 2008, 12:27:00 PM
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench.

Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
"In fact," he pointed out,"some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky t-shirt approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Kentucky coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on August 23, 2008, 08:33:26 PM
Teacher Application

THIS IS PRICELESS!!

After being interviewed by the school administration, the teaching prospect
said,

'Let me see if I've got this right:

'You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their
disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress
habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for
learning.

'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and
sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and
personal pride.

'You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and
fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a
job. You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of
antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the state exams.

'You want me to provide them with an equal education regard less of their
handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents by letter, telephone,
newsletter, and report card.

'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin
board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for
food stamps. You want me to do all this and then you tell me:


I CAN'T PRAY?




MMmmm, I probably should have posted this on one of the political threads. But it is a JOKE.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on August 24, 2008, 01:01:25 PM
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a
long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
 
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding
how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so
on.
 
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
 
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
 
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, 'Is that one word or two?'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 24, 2008, 01:13:10 PM
My appologies to you 'good democrats' in here:

A woman, married three times, walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color are you looking for?"

The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first  time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean?  Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate.  Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened..."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 25, 2008, 04:06:55 PM
And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark.''

And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

''Okay," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

''Six months, and it starts to rain,'' thundered the Lord. ''You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time.''

And six months passed.

The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall.

The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping.

And there was no Ark.

''Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?'' A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.

''Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. And the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years,'' Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.

''You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?'' Noah asked, hopefully.

''Wrong!'' thundered the Lord. ''But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the earth, but with something far worse than a flood. Something man invented himself.''

''What's that?'' asked Noah.

There was a long pause, and then the Lord spoke: ''Government.''
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 26, 2008, 03:26:41 PM

The Democrats have suddenly developed a keen sense of morality.

John Edwards has been banned from making a speech at the Democrat convention for having an affair and lying about it.

Bill Clinton will be speaking in his place.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on August 26, 2008, 04:39:17 PM
Why have an amature when you can go with a pro?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on August 26, 2008, 05:22:13 PM

The Gynecologist who became a Mechanic                                     
                                                                         
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and           
HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another                   
career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to             
become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college,                 
signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned           
all he could.                                                             
                                                                         
When the time of the practical exam approached, the                       
gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the               
exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was             
surprised to find that he had obtained a score of                         
150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying 'I               

don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result,           

but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.                           
                                                                         
The instructor said, 'During the exam, you took the engine               

apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You               
put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also               
worth 50% of the mark.'                                                   

                                                                         
After a pause, the instructor added, 'I gave you an extra 50%             

because you did it all through the muffler.'   
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 26, 2008, 05:35:05 PM
A group of country friends wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.
The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others.
So Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak.
However, knowing that mushrooms are so expensive, she told her husband, "No mushrooms -- they are too high."
He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."
She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."
He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK."
So Janet decided to give it a try.
She picked a bunch -- washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful.
Ol' Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve.
She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.
After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played dominoes.
About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Janet's ear.
She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died."
Janet went into hysterics.
After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left."
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time, the helper lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on August 27, 2008, 07:23:54 AM
Ice Fishing
The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win.. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.

Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.

After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota.

There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verifi- cation by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John Mc. returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.

Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day John Mc. came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.

That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, 'Obama, I think John Mc. is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.'

The next night (after John Mc. returns with 50 (fish), Reid said to Obama, 'Well, tell me, how is John Mc. cheating?'

Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, he's cutting holes in the ice.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 29, 2008, 12:59:07 PM
A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of
them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MinotBob on August 29, 2008, 07:57:26 PM
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At eight, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. And last year you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

"If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 30, 2008, 12:06:09 PM
Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.

But, the store wasn't ready yet and only had a few empty shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and look, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked, 'What might ye be sellin' here?'.

One of the men replied very sarcastically, 'We're selling assholes'.
         
Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, 'You're doin' well then... only two left!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on August 31, 2008, 07:16:27 AM
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke,
when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it
over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene:
What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces
to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she
is after all, over 80 years of age), but
very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 31, 2008, 11:26:12 AM
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop.

I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a 'Jerk".

He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a 'doughnut eating jackass.'

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he wrote a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I verbally abused him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care.

I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said, 'Obama in '08.'

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

It's important to my health.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on September 01, 2008, 12:30:10 AM
Barak Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
 
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.
He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
 
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."
 
Barak said, "No problem, I'll take you there on my special Senator's airplane."
 
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes."
 
Barak said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!"
 
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!"
 
Barak was a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't look like you're handicapped."
 
The kid said, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your butt from drowning!”
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 01, 2008, 12:33:38 PM
I recently turned 45 and had to get a new primary care physician at the VA for my Medical coverage.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I will live to be 50?'

He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I don't do drugs, either.'

'Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?'
'I said, 'No, I usually stay home and keep to myself'.

'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
I said, 'No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.

'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said. 'I don't do any of those things'.
   
He looked at me and said,
'Then why do you give a s**t?'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Marshal Halloway on September 02, 2008, 09:36:39 PM

Jeff Dunham and Bubba J. Click on the player.


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 03, 2008, 11:03:41 AM
Thanks, Marshal...Jeff Dunham is one funny comedian.

Here is a link to one of my favorites, Achmed the Dead Terrorist...... ;D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on September 03, 2008, 10:08:45 PM
In one way this is our strength, we laugh at the bastards.

In another way it is our weakness, we don't take them seriously.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on September 03, 2008, 10:15:19 PM
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he
glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the
plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards
his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside
his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out 'Business trip or
pleasure?'

She turned, smiled and said, 'Business, I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America convention in Chicago ,'

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever
seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting
for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your
business role at the convention?'

'I am the lead lecturer,' she responded. 'I take what I have learned from
my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about
sexuality.'

'Really,' he said, 'and what kinds of myths are there?'

'Well.' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are
the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is
that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of
Jewish descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the
absolute best stamina is the Southern Redneck.'

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry'
she said, 'I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you. I don't
even know your name.'

'Tonto,' the man said, 'Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 03, 2008, 11:44:28 PM
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.
They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.

Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien.

He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire.

There was a huge explosion.

A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed.

When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his willy over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on September 04, 2008, 04:58:45 PM
Discrimination in America
Once again discrimination rears its ugly head........



(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/ATT11.jpg)

Will it NEVER end ?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on September 04, 2008, 05:36:50 PM
Marshalette, where is that bar?

Richard
Proud member Dirty Old Man Club!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 04, 2008, 10:36:04 PM
An old man in his mid eighties struggles to get up from the couch, then starts putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, ask, 'Where are you going?'
He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'
She says, 'Why, are you sick?'
He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, 'Where the heck are you going?'
She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'
He says, 'Why, what do you need?'
She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on September 06, 2008, 11:25:43 PM
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'

'The cop asked, 'WHAT'S HE LIKE?'

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

'CROWN ROYAL whiskey and women with Big Tits.'
 
 
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on September 06, 2008, 11:32:24 PM
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'

'The cop asked, 'WHAT'S HE LIKE?'

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

'CROWN ROYAL whiskey and women with Big Tits.'
 
 
 

Mette...you realize that narrows it down to about 97% of the grandfather aged dudes.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 07, 2008, 01:50:31 PM
OK...here's a short 'groaner'.......


A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker.

The cop looks into the guys' car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.

"Sir," the cop says, "Why do you have all those knives?"

"They're for my juggling act," the man says.

"I don't believe you," says the cop, "Prove it."

So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives.

At the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by.

"Man," says the first guy, "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on September 07, 2008, 10:56:26 PM
Forgive me if I've posted this one before, but I crossed a mile stone the other day and it hasn't gone well.

The other day an older couple was sitting at the local steak house enjoying an evening out.  As the evening went on the man was having a tough time chewing his steak.  As he complained to his wife about his old dentures the couple at the next table overheard and the gentleman reached in his pocket, pulled out a set of teeth and said "try these." 

After chewing for a little while he commented they were a little loose.  The gentleman reached in his other pocket, took out another set and exchanged.

After another piece of steak the man said these are better, but just a tad tight.  The gentleman reached in his breast pocket and produced a third set.

After a bite of steak, then another and yet another the old man grinned and said these are perfect!

The couples continued their meals and evenings side by side without any more exchange.  As the gentleman and his wife got up to leave the elderly lady thanked him profusely for the help and inquired "Are you a dentist?"  "No" came the reply "A funeral director." ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on September 08, 2008, 04:42:04 PM
Nair Pharmacist Warning

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some 'Nair' hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, 'If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days.' The lady says: 'I'm not using it under my arms.' The druggist says: 'If you're using it on your legs don't shave for 2 days.' The lady says: 'I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer'. The druggist says: 'Stay off your bicycle for a week'.

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on September 08, 2008, 09:40:35 PM
50 Years of marriage
 
 

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table
together.'
'I know,' the old man said.  'We were probably sitting here naked as a
jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered.  'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are
as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.  ::)   'One's in your coffee and the
other is in your oatmeal.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on September 09, 2008, 12:26:57 AM
Lucky Day?

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in. 

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment." 

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day."

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer is broken."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on September 09, 2008, 08:52:52 AM
Video: Triumph The Insult Comic Dog at the Republican convention


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eneq0jcMlTw
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on September 09, 2008, 10:37:53 AM
That's it...keep the stereotypes going.  IDIOT!  (NOT you Encircle)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 09, 2008, 12:56:34 PM
Two good old boys were trying to get a stubborn mule into a barn.
The mule's ears touched the top of the small barn door, and he wouldn't proceed any further.
One of the boys came up with a bright idea.
"Why don't we cut two holes in the barn above the door for the ears to go through?"
So they proceeded to do this.
A city man was driving by and noticed the spectacle.
So he asked what they were doing.
They told him they were cutting holes in the barn so the mule could go through the door.
He asked, "Why don't you simply take a shovel and dig a small trench in the dirt?"
One good old boy looked at the other and said, "Isn't that just like a city slicker."
Then he yelled, "It's his ears that are too big, not his legs!"

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on September 09, 2008, 04:16:37 PM
(http://i41.photobucket.com/albums/e289/jv444/OneWeekendaMonthMyAss-AirNationalGu.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 12, 2008, 11:31:04 AM
A few short chuckles:


Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?"
Larry replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"

---------------------------------- -------------------------

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"

--------------------------------------------------

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week".
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"

--------------------------------------------------

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all.
"Me neither doc," said the husband, "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.

--------------------------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you".
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

--------------------------------------------------

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

--------------------------------------------------

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"
The agent Replies, "Just a minute.."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

--------------------------------------------------

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.
Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

--------------------------------------------------

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her, I didn't believe in hell."

--------------------------------------------------

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS!"

--------------------------------------------------

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.
It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one.

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on September 12, 2008, 12:40:35 PM
Ba Da Bump! (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/musik/music-smiley-009.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 12, 2008, 12:52:35 PM
Ba Da Bump! (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/musik/music-smiley-009.gif)

Thanks, Haz, for keeping me "grounded in reality"...... ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on September 13, 2008, 10:40:33 AM
(http://www.fmft.net/Glock%20Open%20Carry.JPG)

Does this count as IWB?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 13, 2008, 10:47:36 AM
Maybe....how bout this "Pistol Packin' Mamma:

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 13, 2008, 11:43:38 AM
Barack Obama was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside.

He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating that grass?" he asked the man.

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, please come to my house!"

"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."

"Bring them along!" Obama said.

They all climbed into the limo.

Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."

Obama replied, "No, you don't understand. I'm not taking you in. It's just that the grass at my house is over a foot tall!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on September 13, 2008, 03:38:05 PM
A man, seeking to join the police department, is being interviewed.
 
The Inspector says: "Your qualifications are good, but there is an attitude test that you must pass before you can join."
 
Sliding a pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol - go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six child molesters and a rabbit."
 
"...Why the rabbit?"
 
"GREAT attitude," says the Inspector, "You passed!  When can you start?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on September 14, 2008, 02:33:16 AM
Little Suzy and her kittens
-----------------------------------
Little Suzy had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign "FREE KITTENS" next to them.

Suddenly a big line of big black cars came up with a policeman on a motorcycle in front.

The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car.

"Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?" he asked.

"Kittens" Little Suzy says. "They're so small, their eyes are not even open yet, and I have to take care of them."

"What kind of kittens are they?" he asked.

"Democrats" says Little Suzy.

The tall man smiled, returned to his car and they drove away.

Sensing a good photo opportunity, Sen. Obama called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the media there and tell everyone about these great kittens.

The next day, Little Suzy is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens with the "FREE KITTENS" sign and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS, and CNN.

Everyone had their cameras ready and then Sen. Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Little Suzy.

"Now, don't be frightened," he said,

"I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today."

"Yes sir," Suzy said, "The are all REPUBLICAN kittens."

Taken by surprise, Sen. Obama said, "But yesterday, you told me that they were DEMOCRATS."

Little Suzy says, "Yes, I know. But today, they have their eyes open."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 14, 2008, 10:10:05 PM
A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.

The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on September 14, 2008, 11:12:07 PM
Sickest joke of all time:
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/196.gif)


Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of
tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. Then they start reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'

'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.

'He's a martyr now though' mum confides.

'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.

And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21'

'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born'.

'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly.

'Oh, gracious me ...' Says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18,' she whispers.

'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school.'

'He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...

'They blow up so fast, don't they?'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on September 15, 2008, 12:48:04 AM
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, 'You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day.'

Taken aback, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.

To this the manager replies, 'You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day.'

Stunned, the man leaves Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives
home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.

Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance.

Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, 'What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!'

'Ha!' snorts the man. 'If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour.'

Which brings us to the moral of the story:

Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

Sadly, I received it also. :'(

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on September 15, 2008, 01:05:23 AM
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary

* 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
* 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
* 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
* 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
* 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
* 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
* 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
* 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
* 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
* 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
* 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. ********!

The re was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow --but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now . . .


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 15, 2008, 11:28:54 AM
Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar enjoying themselves, when Ted walks in looking distressed.

"Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.

Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk, and then somewhere between here and my house, I was abducted by an alien?"

Everyone is shocked.

"I heard about this kind of thing happening!" Bills says. "What did the alien do to you?"

"I don't remeber all the details," Ted says. "All I remember is being 'probed' by the alien."

Everyone is horrified.

"I heard that they'll do that!" Steve says. "What did the alien look like?"

Ted responds, "Carl."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 15, 2008, 11:50:42 AM
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Politician: $100.00


The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?"

The waiter replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on September 15, 2008, 07:45:02 PM

Barak Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and  landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3  kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland.'

Barak said, 'No problem, I'll take you  there on my special Senator's airplane.

The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes.'

Barak said, 'I'll get them for you and even  have Michael Jordan sign them!'

The third kid said, 'I want a motorized  wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'

Barak was a little perplexed by this and said,  'But you don't look like you're  handicapped.'

The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: deepwater on September 15, 2008, 10:55:24 PM
This is really good if you own a wood stove or fireplace.

 

 FARWOOD
 
 "Hello, is this here the Sheriff's Office?"

 "Yes. What can I do for you?"

  "I'm calling to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith.
 He's  drillin' holes in his farwood and hiding marijuana inside!"

 "Thank you very much for the call, sir."

 The next day, the Sheriff & his deputies descend on
 Virgil's house. They search the shed where the
 firewood is kept.
 Using axes, they split every piece of wood, but finds
 no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

 The phone rings at Virgil's house.

 "Hey, Virgil!  This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"

 "Yeah!"

 "Did they split yer farwood?"

 "Yep!"

 "Happy Birthday, buddy!"

 (Who says rednecks aren't real bright?!)

  ;D

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: deepwater on September 15, 2008, 10:58:53 PM
HOW DID WE SURVIVE ? ? ?
Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have.
As children we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
Our baby cribs were painted with bright colored lead based paint.
We often chewed on the crib, ingesting the paint.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes we had no helmets.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day.
We played dodge ball and sometimes the ball would really hurt.
We played with toy guns, cowboys and Indians, army, cops and robbers, and used our fingers to simulate guns when the toy ones or the BB gun was not available.
We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda, but we were never over weight; we were always outside playing.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.
Those who didn't, had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Some students weren't as smart as others or didn't work hard so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.
That generation produced some of the greatest risk-takers and problem solvers.
We had the freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), the term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.
We all took gym, not PE... and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors.
I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.
Flunking gym was not an option... even for stupid kids!
I guess PE must be much harder than gym.
Every year, someone taught the whole school a lesson by running in the halls with leather soles on linoleum tile and hitting the wet spot.
How much better off would we be today if we only knew we could have sued the school system.
Speaking of school, we all said prayers and the pledge (amazing we aren't all brain dead from that), and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention for about the next two weeks.
We must have had horribly damaged psyches.
Schools didn't offer 14 year olds an abortion or condoms (we wouldn't have known what either was anyway) but they did give us a couple of baby aspirin and cough syrup if we started getting the sniffles.
What an archaic health system we had then.
Remember school nurses?
Ours wore a hat and everything.
I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.
I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, PlayStation, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital cable stations.
I must be repressing that memory as I try to rationalize through the denial of the dangers could have befallen us as we trekked off each day about a mile down the road to some guy's vacant 20, built forts out of branches and pieces of plywood, made trails, and fought over who got to be the Lone Ranger.
What was that property owner thinking, letting us play on that lot.
He should have been locked up for not putting up a fence around the property, complete with a self-closing gate and an infrared intruder alarm.
Oh yeah...and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting?
I could have been killed!
We played king of the hill on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites and when we got hurt, mom pulled out the 48 cent bottle of mercurochrome and then we got butt-whooped.
Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics and then mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got butt-whooped (physical abuse) there too... and then we got butt-whooped again when we got home.
Mom invited the door to door salesman inside for coffee, kids choked down the dust from the gravel driveway while playing with Tonka trucks (remember why Tonka trucks were made tough... it wasn't so that they could take the rough berber in the family room), and Dad drove a car with leaded gas.
Our music had to be left inside when we went out to play and I am sure that I nearly exhausted my imagination a couple of times when we went on two week vacations.
I should probably sue the folks now for the danger they put us in when we all slept in campgrounds in the family tent.
Summers were spent behind the push lawnmower and I didn't even know that mowers came with motors until I was 13 and we got one without an automatic blade-stop or an auto-drive.
How sick were my parents?
Of course my parents weren't the only psychos.
I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop just before he fell off.
Little did his mom know that she could have owned our house.
Instead she pick him up and swatted him for being such a goof.
It was a neighborhood run amuck.
To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family.
How could we possibly have know that we needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes?
We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!
How did we survive?  ??? ???
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: deepwater on September 15, 2008, 11:03:47 PM
MAN IS LYING IN BED IN THE HOSPITAL WITH AN OXYGEN MASK OVER HIS MOUTH.

A YOUNG NURSE APPEARS TO SPONGE HIS HANDS AND FEET. "NURSE", HE MUMBLES
FROM BEHIND THE MASK, ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK?"

EMBARRASSED, THE YOUNG NURSE REPLIES, "I DON'T KNOW, I'M ONLY HERE TO
WASH YOUR HANDS AND FEET.

HE STRUGGLES AGAIN TO ASK, NURSE, ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK?"

FINALLY, SHE PULLS BACK THE COVERS, RAISES HIS GOWN, HOLDS HIS PRIVATES
IN ONE HAND AND HIS TESTICLES IN HER OTHER HAND AND TAKES A CLOSE LOOK
AND SAY'S,

"THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM!"

FINALLY, THE MAN PULLS OFF HIS OXYGEN MASK AND REPLIES," THAT WAS VERY
NICE BUT, ARE --MY--TEST--RESULTS--BACK ?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: deepwater on September 15, 2008, 11:07:05 PM
I'm on a roll here. :D
Mike was going to be married to Julie, so his father sat
him down for a little fireside chat ..

He says "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding
night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and
handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here - try these on."

So, she did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.'

So I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I
always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems.

"Hmmm," says Mike. He thinks that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike takes off his pants and says to Julie,
"Here try these on." So she does and says, "These are too large,
they don't fit me."

So Mike says, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I
always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Julie takes off her pants and hands them to Mike and says,
"Here you try on mine." So he does and says, "I can't get into your
pants."

So Julie says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass
attitude, you never will."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: deepwater on September 15, 2008, 11:24:05 PM
Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married.  He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates.  He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over.  She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.  She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.  She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves
him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market.  She earns several times the $5,000.  She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.  She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.  This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: deepwater on September 15, 2008, 11:25:04 PM
A husband and wife are shopping in Costco's when the man picks up a crate of Budweiser Beer and sticks them into the shopping cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife 'They're on sale today, only $10.00 for 24 cans', he says.

'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they continue on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and sticks it into the shopping cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.

The man replies... 'SO DOES 24 CANS OF BUDWEISER BEER AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE'
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 16, 2008, 11:46:07 AM
Deepwater, I'm glad to see we have another member with a keen sense of humor.
I like a good joke almost as much as I like a shot of Wild Turkey.......almost (laughs can only go so far)........
 ;D

A little Redneck Poem:

    SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
    SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
    SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
    SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

    PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
    YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
    I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
    BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

    SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
    AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
    BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
    HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'

    YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
    AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
    BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
    I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

    BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
    JUST DO WHAT MAKES YA' HAPPY.
    MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
    YA' AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.


    Brings a tear to your eyes, don't it?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ichiban on September 16, 2008, 01:14:20 PM
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She Spends
$5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she
stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the
clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I
am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald 's and asks the counter girl the
very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29."

The woman replies, "Nope. I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some
mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh,
I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her
the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm almost 70 and my eye sight is going.
Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your
bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best
of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast... He
gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says,
"Okay,okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says. "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on September 17, 2008, 11:18:36 AM



A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off
and enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.
He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing,"
the nun said tartly..

The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to
strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.
"Shit, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes
out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.



And from the sky comes a booming voice ......

 
"Shit, I missed." 
 

 
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on September 17, 2008, 12:55:13 PM
Cancel your credit card before you die.....

Now some people are really stupid!!!!
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. 

This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening,
customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange :

Family Member:   'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'

Citibank :  'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member  : 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

Citiban k : 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member : So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Citibank : 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member : 'Do you think God will be mad at her?' 

Citibank: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member : 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

Citibank : 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'


Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member : 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'

Citibank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.' 

Family Member : 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Citibank  : (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member : 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given) 

Citibank:  'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member : 'Sure.' (Fax number was given.)

After they get the fax :

Citibank : 'Our system just isn't set-up for death.
I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member  : 'Well, if you figure it out, great!
If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'

Citibank:  'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'
(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member  : 'Would you like her new billing address?'

Citibank : 'That might help.'

Family Member : ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

Citibank : 'Sir, that's a cemetery !'

Family Member : 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???


     (Priceless!!)    
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on September 17, 2008, 03:16:14 PM
(http://www.pipebombnews.com/readerimages/crosshairs.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on September 17, 2008, 03:33:15 PM
A Teaching Moment:
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls had
begun to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was
fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips
to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the
maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put
them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem
for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can
just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the 20 girls how much effort was required. He took
out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the
mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the
mirror....

There are teachers....and then there are educators.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on September 17, 2008, 03:36:17 PM
Marshall'ette, this goes along with your billing joke...I heard it on Paul Harvey and it is supposed to be true.

A guy kept getting a bill for $0.00 so he ignored it.  He kept getting this bill so he decided to send a check for $0.00.  He received a "Thank You" for the payment - go figure.

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on September 18, 2008, 07:05:11 AM
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.   
The morgue needed someone to identify the body,   
so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.   
The three men had always done everything together.   
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,   
Cooter said,  'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad.  You better roll him over'.
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'         
The mortician thought this was rather strange.   
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.                                           
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'       
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'         
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'   
Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'                                 
'What?  He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.           
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say,   
'There's Bubba with them two assholes.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: mudman on September 18, 2008, 08:56:24 PM
Was that a redneck joke ? ;D ;D ;D ;D :o :o :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on September 18, 2008, 09:49:30 PM
Pretty hard to get burned up without your neck getting red.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on September 19, 2008, 10:21:21 AM
What if Obama's email was hacked:

(http://americandigest.org/Obama-Deletes-Inbox_redo.jpg)



Here is a better view if you cant read it:

http://americandigest.org/Obama-Deletes-Inbox_redo.jpg
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: someguy on September 19, 2008, 11:45:50 AM
What if Obama's email was hacked:

(http://americandigest.org/Obama-Deletes-Inbox_redo.jpg)



Here is a better view if you cant read it:

http://americandigest.org/Obama-Deletes-Inbox_redo.jpg


That is HILARIOUS.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on September 19, 2008, 07:57:41 PM
No Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto    However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.  The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.


 


 
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs.  She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
 
 
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts.  The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
 
 
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.  Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
 

 
 
What were you thinking?  Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!
 
Now quit messin on the internet and get back to work!

I don't know about you sometimes!  ;D


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: brosometal on September 20, 2008, 06:52:46 AM
What if Obama's email was hacked:

(http://americandigest.org/Obama-Deletes-Inbox_redo.jpg)



Here is a better view if you cant read it:

http://americandigest.org/Obama-Deletes-Inbox_redo.jpg

Another reason why Dick Cheney rules.  Dick Cheney for king!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on September 20, 2008, 11:28:12 AM
A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern
And sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER:
     $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50

HAND JOB:
     $1,000.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally
 attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'Can I help you?'

'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?'

'Yes,' she purrs, 'I  am.'

The old biker replies, 'Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on September 20, 2008, 11:57:14 AM
A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern
And sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER:
     $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50

HAND JOB:
     $1,000.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally
 attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'Can I help you?'

'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?'

'Yes,' she purrs, 'I  am.'

The old biker replies, 'Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.


Comment of the day award!

(http://www1.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/604777/2/istockphoto_604777_miniature_trophy_blank.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on September 22, 2008, 06:33:01 AM
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4Th grade students. "Human Beings
Are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the
girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he
jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back,
went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss" and before he could say "Shit," the
Rottweiler ate Him!


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Walter45Auto on September 22, 2008, 09:24:26 AM
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question
and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plateglass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.' The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab................... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 23, 2008, 01:12:57 PM
Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.
At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt the manager to finish waiting on a customer.
When Walt was finished with the costumer, Mary asked 'How much for that faucet?'
Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'
'My goodness that sure is a lot of money!' Mary exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'
Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'

........... And this is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.  :o :o :o :o :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 23, 2008, 01:29:24 PM
On television today a Democratic operative pointed out that when Obama holds a rally 25-30,000 people show up, whereas when McCain holds one he only draws 10-15,000.
The Republican spokesman replied, "That's because McCain's supporters are at work."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on September 23, 2008, 01:30:34 PM
On television today a Democratic operative pointed out that when Obama holds a rally 25-30,000 people show up, whereas when McCain holds one he only draws 10-15,000.
The Republican spokesman replied, "That's because McCain's supporters are at work."



LOL!  That's gonna leave a mark!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on September 23, 2008, 03:01:58 PM

An old man, Bubba was going to town with his boy & a donkey. The boy rode on the donkey & Bubba walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking & the boy was riding.

Bubba and his son thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.


Later, they passed some people that remarked, 'What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.'

They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

Bubba and his son said they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey.   As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & he fell into the river and drowned.



The moral of the story?



If you try to please everyone, you might as well...
Kiss your ass goodbye!


Have A Nice Day &
Be Careful With Your Donkey 


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on September 23, 2008, 04:52:55 PM
ITALIAN PHILOSOPHY AT IT'S FINEST. . . .

An old Italian Mafia 'Don' is dying and he calls his grandson into his
bedroom.
'Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.'
'But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?'
'Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business. . .you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos.'
'Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe finda you wife inna
bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then. . .pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up?'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: wisconsin on September 23, 2008, 05:04:28 PM
On television today a Democratic operative pointed out that when Obama holds a rally 25-30,000 people show up, whereas when McCain holds one he only draws 10-15,000.
The Republican spokesman replied, "That's because McCain's supporters are at work."


That hit the mark  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on September 23, 2008, 08:40:38 PM
BIT OF HISTORY---
 
Have you ever wondered where the phrase, "You gotta be shittin' me!" came from?

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of our Country
Way back when, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with
his troops.

There were 33 [remember this number] in Washington 's boat.

It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing
them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters [remember this name] and
stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern.

He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern
back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his
lantern into the Delaware .

Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find
Corporal Peters, but to no avail.

All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet
and totally exhausted.

He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead."

They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know, was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the
forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.
A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George Washington
and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need
warmth and comfort."

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad
smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come to the right place.
We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"

Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are 32 of us without Peters."

And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin' me".
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 24, 2008, 11:26:15 AM
Ed and Dorothy met while on an extended vacation and Ed fell head over heels in 'like' with her.

But after a couple of weeks, wherein Ed took Dorothy out to various dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc., he was convinced that it was true love.

And so....on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue.

"It's only fair to warn you that I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his new-found lady friend, "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's
going to be a problem, you'd better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Since we're being totally honest with each other, here goes....you need to know that I'm a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied.

Looking down at the table, he was quiet for a moment, deep in thought.

Then he continued, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 24, 2008, 11:52:17 AM
A teacher in Elmira , New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little
Johnny.

The teacher asked Little  Johnny why he had decided to be different...again.

Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not an Obama fan.'

The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you an Obama fan?'

Johnny said,  'Because I'm a Republican.'

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.

Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican.'

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, 'That would make me an Obama fan.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 24, 2008, 02:27:20 PM
Our local drugstore was robbed of 500 bottles of Viagra.
The suspect is known to be a hardened criminal!


 :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Walter45Auto on September 24, 2008, 05:55:54 PM
A teacher in Elmira , New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little
Johnny.

The teacher asked Little  Johnny why he had decided to be different...again.

Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not an Obama fan.'

The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you an Obama fan?'

Johnny said,  'Because I'm a Republican.'

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.

Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican.'

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, 'That would make me an Obama fan.'


THAT HAS GOT TO BE THE BEST OBAMA JOKE AROUND!!! The first Obama joke that mad me laugh instead of puke.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: m25operator on September 24, 2008, 08:39:54 PM
Little Johnny jokes, gotta love them.

Little Johnny is in High school history class and his teacher asks him, " Who wrote the Declaration of  Independence? " Johnny, " I don't know and I don't give a damn!"  Well the teacher says, we'll see about that, lets go to the principles office!!

At the principles office, the teacher tells the principle what occurred, and then he asks Johnny, " Who wrote the Declaration of independence? " Johnny without blinking says " I don't know and I don't give a damn! " The principle says well, alright, lets just call your father then! I'm sure he'll like to be disturbed in his busy day and come down here!! The principle calls Johnnies father and he agrees to come to school and straighten this situation out.

On arrival, the principle tells Johnnies father what is going on, and says " watch this " Johnny, who wrote the Declaration of independence? " Johnny swells up and says " I don't Know, and I don't give a damn!!!"




Johnnies father stands up and stares at his son redfaced and says " Dammit Johnny, if you wrote the son of a bitch, tell them "
  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on September 25, 2008, 06:50:24 AM
This Department of Water Resources Representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.

 The old rancher says, Okay, but don't go in that field over there.

 The Water Representative says, Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand??

 The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

 Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the Water Rep running for his  life and close behind is the rancher's huge Brahman bull. The bull is gaining with every step.

 The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

YOUR CARD, SHOW HIM YOUR CARD!

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 25, 2008, 12:09:18 PM
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.' 

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little  boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we have to leave. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us."

 ;D :o :o ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on September 25, 2008, 06:29:33 PM
An elderly couple, Linda and Bob, moved to the country. Bob always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Linda looked him over. "Nope.' Frustrated, Bob stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Linda, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?!" Linda looked up and exclaimed, "Bob, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!" Furious, Bob yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, Linda?" "Nope," she replied. "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!" Without changing her expression, Linda replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bob. Shoulda bought a hat."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ocin on September 26, 2008, 04:34:42 AM
What happens to a politician when he swallows a viagra?

He will grow...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on September 26, 2008, 09:42:09 AM
It was a hot day in Minnesota . Helga hung out the wash
to dry, put a roast in the oven, and then went
downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.


'Gootness, it's hotter Dan hell today,' she mused to
herself as she walked down Main Street . She passed a
tavern and thought , 'Vy nodt?'

She walked in and took a seat at the
bar.The bartender walked up and asked her what she
would like to drink.

'Ya know,' Helga said, 'it is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer'.

'Anheuser Busch?' the bartender asked.


Helga blushed and replied, 'Vell fine, tanks, und
how's yur viener?'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on September 26, 2008, 03:36:20 PM
Not exactly a joke but I love it anyway!


You are driving down the road in your Corvette on a wild, stormy night,
when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the
bus: 



1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die. 



2. An old friend who once saved your life. 



3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about. 



Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could
only be one passenger in your Corvette? Think before you continue
reading.   



This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of
a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going
to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old
friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect
chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your
perfe ct mate again.   



YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS....... The candidate who was hired (out of 200
applicants) had no trouble coming up with20his answer. He simply
answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take
the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with
the partner of my dreams.'  Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to
give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to 'Think
Outside of the Box.'   



HOWEVER.......  The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put
her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of
the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.   



God, I just love happy endings!

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 26, 2008, 08:16:32 PM
Deep in the back woods of Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think theres another one coming.'

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' Said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!' cried the doctor.

The hillbilly scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,..'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on September 26, 2008, 11:23:42 PM
A Cowboy was sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized
 an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the
 reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

 The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a
 drink and told him the story of his great ambition to be a gun
 fighter.

 'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

 The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing,
 you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower
 down on your leg.'

 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

 'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.

 The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his
 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

 'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'

 'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the
 hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw'

 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

 'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

 The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his
 gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player

 'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm
 learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

 The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See
 that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

 The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease
 on the barrel of his gun.

 'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle
 and all.'

 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

 'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing
 the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt
 as much.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on September 26, 2008, 11:31:15 PM
If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Sarah Palin" in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain a deadly virus.

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton" in the subject line, do not open it.  It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on September 26, 2008, 11:49:54 PM
What if I get an email with 'nude photos of M'ette' in the subject line? ;D

Cause not opening that is NOT an option! (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/teufel/devil-smiley-019.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on September 27, 2008, 01:31:54 PM
Liver and Cheese
 
 
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to meet her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, 'The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.'

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, 'I love liver and cheese.'

'Oh, how childish,' said the Poodle. 'That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.'

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says 'How well can you do?'

'Um. I HATE liver and cheese,' blurts the Golden Retriever.

'My, my,' said the Poodle. 'I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence.'

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, 'How about you, little guy?'

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua .

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says.... 




(ok this is good now scroll down)
*
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*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*



Liver alone. Cheese mine.
 
 
   ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :D ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 27, 2008, 06:57:50 PM
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pin-head. Do you understand all that?"

The little boy nodded again.    

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a 'dumb ass' is it?"

Again, the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on September 27, 2008, 07:15:26 PM
A woman's gift
   
M'ette,
This is for you. :)

Quote for the day:

Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit. 8)

Love and appreciate all the women in your life.
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :D :D :D :D :D ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: long762range on September 27, 2008, 09:04:48 PM
What's the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and a woman
yelling on the back porch?



The dog quits barking when you let it in!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 28, 2008, 01:45:44 PM
Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots.

They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night.

The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight.

They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night.

The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.

"I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots," says one.

"I'm gonna go back to those cute little rabbits," says the second.

"I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on September 29, 2008, 03:22:44 AM
Here's an oldie but goodie.

A Nurse's Bad Day
--------------------------------------

A very tired nurse walks into a bank,
 
Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
 
Preparing to write a check,
 
She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse
 
And tries to write with it.
 
When she realizes her mistake,
 
She looks at the flabbergasted teller,
 
And without missing a beat, she says: 'Well, that's great...
that's just great... Some asshole's got my pen again.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on September 29, 2008, 11:17:54 AM
Costume Party

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.  The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.   

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice looking woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his   current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished , naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. 

So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.   Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.   

He said: 'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.'

 'Did you dance much ?'

 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys and we went into the den and played poker all evening.

But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to....!!!!!!!!!  :o
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 29, 2008, 02:47:13 PM
M'ette, this one's for you:

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
 
'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at
 this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.'
 
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.

After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'
 
The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.'
 
The moment turned awkward.

Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
 
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more?'
 
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.'

 ;D
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tman on September 29, 2008, 02:50:22 PM
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on September 29, 2008, 07:53:49 PM
This is a hoot, but I suspect the minister didn't appreciate it.

          A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis
        he said,  'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into
        the river.'

          With even greater emphasis he said,  'And if I had
          All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the
        river.'
          And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
          Said,  'And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
          I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

          Sermon complete, he sat down.
          The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
          With a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song,
          Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'

          Smile, life is too short not to !!If this brightened your day
          Don't let it stop here
          Pass it on with a smile
          Keep spreading the Cheer.
          See you at the river.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on September 30, 2008, 08:39:03 AM
John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse,'

The second barber turned to McCain and said, 'How about you?'

McCain replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on September 30, 2008, 08:41:49 AM
Poetry Contest
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas . They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “ Timbuktu .”

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin’ went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu .
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Grizzle_Bear on September 30, 2008, 09:35:14 AM

Me and Tim a huntin’ went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu .


Puns are the lowest form of humor!

This is the humor equivalent of a tear-gas grenade, forcing everyone to run crying and screaming from the area.

My IQ has been lowered simply by reading this joke.

Good one!


Grizzle Bear

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on September 30, 2008, 09:46:11 AM
Puns are the lowest form of humor!

This is the humor equivalent of a tear-gas grenade, forcing everyone to run crying and screaming from the area.

My IQ has been lowered simply by reading this joke.

Good one!


Grizzle Bear



Well I just learned something!  I did not know an IQ could be a negative number! ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on October 01, 2008, 05:47:56 PM
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey,'she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.






On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on October 01, 2008, 05:50:50 PM
Ray & Bubba ( Purdue mechanical engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and
asked what they were doing.

'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Bubba, 'but we don't have a ladder.'

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape
measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced,
'Eighteen feet, six inches,' and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed. 'Ain't that just like a woman! We ask for
the height and she gives us the length!'

Bubba and Ray are currently working for the government.       
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: brosometal on October 01, 2008, 07:30:39 PM
Ray & Bubba ( Purdue mechanical engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and
asked what they were doing.

'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Bubba, 'but we don't have a ladder.'

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape
measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced,
'Eighteen feet, six inches,' and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed. 'Ain't that just like a woman! We ask for
the height and she gives us the length!'

Bubba and Ray are currently working for the government.       


Any chance they have worked on the bailout or quite possibly in the Barney Frank's or Christopher Dodd's offices?

Just askin'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on October 01, 2008, 07:41:26 PM


Bubba and Ray are currently working for  employed by the government.       


Small edit made for correctness  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on October 01, 2008, 09:04:18 PM

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my little kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

'That must've been scary', said the teacher.
 
'It sure was',It was real scary'.. said the little girl.

 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he could say 'F***', the Rottweiler ate him!





(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/346_dog_laughing.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: deepwater on October 01, 2008, 09:32:49 PM
just got this in an email from a buddy at king's point... ;)

Subject: History 101

History 101
For those of you who slept through World History 101 here is a condensed
version. Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
Hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer
and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention Of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the
beer, and the beer to the man.
These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together
were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct
subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning
of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented
yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to
be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages
were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known
as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live
off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the
sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the
Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became
known as girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats,
the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the
Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to
divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their
beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most liberal women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal
injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group
therapists are liberals.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide
for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
firemen, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone
who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other
conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers
and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans
are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals
remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They
crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying
to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily
respond to the above before forwarding it.
A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute
truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other
true believers, and to more liberals...just to piss them off.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on October 01, 2008, 09:57:07 PM
Three college coeds were being followed through a bad part of town by a couple guys.

In a total panic the first two girls ran into a bar ...

The third one ducked  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 02, 2008, 01:33:23 AM
Mary had a little lamb,
It backed into a Pylon,
10,000 volts went up it's ass and turned it's wool to nylon.


Jack and Jill went up the hill,
they each had a buck and a quarter,
Jill came down with $2.50, Guess they weren't after water.

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard,
To fetch her poor dog a bone.
But when she bent over Rover took over,
And thats the end of my poem  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on October 02, 2008, 11:57:52 AM
Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head

In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white and might have to start working for a living, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.

The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After the examination, the doctor mixed up a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Obama, and told him to drink it all.

Obama drank the concoction and replied, " That tasted like bullshit!

The doctor replied "It was, you were a quart low"


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 04, 2008, 02:25:50 PM
Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Bubba's 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped
out of the boat .. and nearly drowned!
Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother.
'Grandma,' he asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?'
Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said, 'Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you dumbass'.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on October 05, 2008, 12:26:36 AM
Lost Wallet

 A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold, he lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he

attempted to make his way home, but was stopped by the Customs Agent at the Tijuana border.

 'May I see your ID.? Por favor, senor?' asked the agent.

 'I'm sorry, but I seem to have lost my wallet,' replied the guy.

 'Si, amigo, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border ,' said the agent.

'But I can prove that I'm an American!' he exclaimed. 'I have a picture of Bill Clinton tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of Hillary Clinton tattooed on the other."

'This I got to see, senor,' replied the agent.

With that, he dropped his pants & bent over in front of the agent.
'By golly, you're right!' exclaimed the agent. 'Have fun in Chicago .'

 'Thanks!' he said. 'But how did you know I was from Chicago ?'

The agent replied, 'I recognized Barack Obama in the middle!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 06, 2008, 12:20:12 PM
A man walks out to the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid Traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.  He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank. He died.  I married his widow.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on October 06, 2008, 12:58:21 PM
I'd show that to my wife but she wouldn't think it's a joke!

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Fatman on October 06, 2008, 01:06:44 PM
I'd show that to my wife but she wouldn't think it's a joke!

Richard

You married Frank's widow?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on October 06, 2008, 06:53:13 PM
Actually, she's an Angel...Up in the air and harping ALL the time!!!!!!!!

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: wisconsin on October 06, 2008, 07:23:28 PM
Same here  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 07, 2008, 01:28:51 AM
Actually, she's an Angel...Up in the air and harping ALL the time!!!!!!!!

Richard

Same here  ;D


Thank GOD for divorce court.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on October 07, 2008, 06:04:53 AM

Thank GOD for divorce court.  ;D

x 2  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on October 07, 2008, 06:58:13 AM
Not really!  Here in Ohio I would loose everything and have to move into a homeless shelter.

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on October 07, 2008, 02:16:25 PM
Pappa Mole, Mamma Mole and Baby Mole all lived in a Mole Hole.  One day Pappa Mole stuck his head out of the hole and said "mmmm, I smell maple syrup".  Mama Mole joined him and stuck her head out the hole and said "mmmm, I smell honey".  Baby Mole wanted to join them, but  Mamma and Pappa had the hole filled and he couldn't get up there to stick his head out.  Baby Mole said "hum, all I smell is molasses"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 07, 2008, 02:37:12 PM
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, 'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW'.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, 'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'GE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO'.

'FINE, SHE SAYS'. THEN THE WIFE ASKS, 'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT '

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, 'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'WESTINGHOUSE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO'.

'FINE', SHE SAYS. 'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK '

'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS'. HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'ACE HARDWARE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!! '

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS....................................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE, HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

'HONEY', HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'

SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE'.

HE SAID, 'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?'

SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO .. DO YOU SEE 'BETTY CROCKER' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on October 07, 2008, 03:08:08 PM
Nancy Astor: "If I were your wife I would put poison in your coffee!"


Winston Churchill: "And if I were your husband I would drink it."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on October 07, 2008, 03:12:35 PM
Nancy Astor: "If I were your wife I would put poison in your coffee!"


Winston Churchill: "And if I were your husband I would drink it."

It is sad that today vulgarity has replaced such witty and biting repartee.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on October 07, 2008, 03:30:24 PM
Unless your Mrs. Palin.

She can give you that kind motherly look (I'm sure M'ette has it, but the gunsmoke hides it), say "gosh, golly, gee ... God Bless you ... but (fill in the correction, instruction or criticism here)," and they thank her for it  ;D

This is why M'ette will need to settle for our vote of approval.  If you put her in a debate I'm sure that by the eight minute mark she would have either coldcocked or shot someone  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 07, 2008, 03:40:12 PM
"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."
Emo Philips (...more Emo Philips Quotes).

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
Douglas Adams.

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
Rita Mae Brown.

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
George Gobol.

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
WC Fields.

"There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all."
Robert Orben.

"Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies."
Adrienne Gusoff.

"We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police."
Jeff Marder.

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
Dick Cavett.

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
Dave Edison.

"A fellow with the inventiveness of Albert Einstein but with the attention span of Daffy Duck."
Tom Shales talking about Robin Williams

"When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in."
Bob Hope talking about Jack Benny

"Martin's acting is so inept that even his impersonation of a lush seems unconvincing."
Harry Medved on Dean Martin

"Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress."
Joan Rivers

"He moves like a parody between a majorette girl and Fred Astaire."
Truman Capote on Mick Jagger

"Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper."
Rex Reed talking about Marlon Brando

"Spielberg isn't a filmmaker, he's a confectioner."
Alex Cox on Steven Spielberg

"What makes him think a middle aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?"
Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood's bid to become mayor of Carmel

"It's like kissing Hitler."
Tony Curtis talking about Marilyn Monroe
*********************************


Winston Churchill:

When I am abroad I always make it a rule never to criticise or attack the Government of my country. I make up for lost time when I am at home.

"A sheep in sheep's clothing"
On Clement Atlee

"A modest man, who has much to be modest about"
On Clement Atlee

"An empty taxi arrived at 10 Downing Street, and when the door was opened, Atlee got out"
On Clement Atlee

"I wish Stanley Baldwin no ill, but it would have been much better if he had never lived"
On Stanley Baldwin

"He occasionally stumbled over the truth, but hastily picked himself up and hurried on as if nothing had happened"
On Stanley Baldwin

"He looked at foreign affairs through the wrong end of a municipal drainpipe"
On Neville Chamberlain

Lady Astor to Churchill "Winston, if you were my husband I would flavour your coffee with poison"
Churchill: "Madam, if I were your husband, I should drink it"

Bessie Braddock to Churchill "Winston, your drunk!"
Churchill: "Bessie, you're ugly, and tomorrow morning I shall be sober"

"What could you hope to achieve except to be sunk in a bigger and more expensive ship this time"
On Admiral Mountbatten

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: brosometal on October 07, 2008, 05:31:10 PM
What do Obama and Osama have in common?















They are both buddies with terrorists...   Wait that's just not funny...  True, but not funny.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: deepwater on October 07, 2008, 08:38:32 PM
HAPPY  WOMAN
 

A  woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches  her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous  you look?  What's the matter with you?'

The woman  continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you think.  I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18  year-old. The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 55-year old  ass?

 

'Your name never came up,' she replied. ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on October 07, 2008, 09:20:11 PM
What do Obama and Osama have in common?















They are both buddies with terrorists...   Wait that's just not funny...  True, but not funny.


What's the difference between OBama and OSama? Nothing but the BS!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 07, 2008, 09:27:55 PM
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.

He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered.

The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street.

Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.

A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on October 07, 2008, 10:36:04 PM
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To hell with McCain" T-Shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing up.  One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.  Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?"
"That was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, how is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 08, 2008, 01:41:30 AM
Nancy Astor: "If I were your wife I would put poison in your coffee!"


Winston Churchill: "And if I were your husband I would drink it."

My ex and I used to have similar conversations  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MinotBob on October 08, 2008, 07:08:25 AM
What do Obama and Osama have in common?















They are both buddies with terrorists...   Wait that's just not funny...  True, but not funny.

They both had friends that bombed the Pentagon.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on October 08, 2008, 07:12:41 AM
Also they both have or are teaching the youth of this country!

Now THERE is a scary thought!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 08, 2008, 01:53:17 PM
My ex and I used to have similar conversations  ;D

For you guys with 'problem wives' or ex's...this one's for you.... ;D ;D ;D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Og9SQ0W3yxE

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on October 08, 2008, 02:14:04 PM
Along that line....

A old married couple were stopped at a traffic signal.  The wife looked over at the young couple in the car next to them (sitting very close to one another). 

Turning to her husband she commented..."Remember when we used to sit like that?"

Smiling, the husband replied "I didn't move."


Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 08, 2008, 02:28:26 PM
An older man was sitting at the kitchen table one morning drinking coffee.

His wife came in and noticed he was crying.

"What on earth is wrong with you?", she asked.

"You remember when I was eighteen and you were only 16?", he said.

She nodded yes.

"And your daddy was the county judge?", he continued.

Again, she nodded an affirmation with a puzzled look on her face.

"You remember the time he came into the garage and caught us going at it in the back seat of his car and he pulled me out by my shirt and stuck his double barreled shotgun at me and said, 'Either you're gonna marry my daughter, or spend the next thirty years in jail.'?", he said, still sobbing.

"Yes, I remember. But what's that got to do with your crying today?", she asked.

He wiped his eyes and sniffed, "I'd be getting out today".

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: brosometal on October 08, 2008, 06:23:54 PM

What's the difference between OBama and OSama? Nothing but the BS!

Awesome, simply awesome ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on October 08, 2008, 07:51:35 PM



Things to Ponder   

 
Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
 
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: SwoopSJ on October 09, 2008, 03:09:58 PM
I'm so thankful for this thread.  Sometimes it's the only way I can return my blood pressure, as well as, my relative sanity to normal after visiting the political section.   ;D

Swoop
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 09, 2008, 03:21:42 PM
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: 'Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.'

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

'Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!'

The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.

He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

'What's wrong?' he asks.

She answers: 'Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie????'
 :o :o :o :o :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on October 09, 2008, 09:08:45 PM
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: 'Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.'

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

'Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!'

The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.

He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

'What's wrong?' he asks.

She answers: 'Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie????'
 :o :o :o :o :o

Too bad he doesn't have a jumbo frank.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on October 09, 2008, 09:27:17 PM
Three old women were sitting together on a park bench when they were approached by a man wearing a trench coat.  He suddenly whipped his coat open and flashed the women.  The first woman had a stroke.  The second woman had a stroke.  The third couldn't reach.

This one is getting emailed right now.  ;D



Here is a math problem so unbelievable that it will stump you.
Personally, I would like to know who came up with this and why that person is not running the country.
Grab a calculator (you won't be able to do this one in your head).

1. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the Area code).
2. Multiply by 80.
3. Add 1.
4. Multiply by 250.
5. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number.
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
7. Subtract 250.
8. Divide number by 2.
Do you recognize the answer???
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on October 09, 2008, 09:40:15 PM
The wife's graveside service had just barely finished, when there
was  a tremendous bolt of lightning, followed by a massive clap of
thunder, shaking the earth like an earthquake, accompanied by more
heavy thunder rumbling in the distance for several minutes.


The husband, a little old man, looked up at the sky, then turned to
the pastor and calmly said "Well, she's there."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on October 10, 2008, 10:58:23 AM
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the

Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you

the People.


The nanny, we will consider her the

Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely

soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. 

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies,

'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.

The People are being ignored and the

Future is in deep sh!t.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 10, 2008, 12:18:57 PM
1st woman: Hi! My name is Sandra.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How did you die?
 
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
 
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
 
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
 
1st woman: So, what happened?
 
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
 
I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
 
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on October 12, 2008, 03:56:39 PM
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.  He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff.  None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could
stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."  After complaining for
several minutes, he finally settled down,     crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for
this reading, I can't use an oral   thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.  After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her
way out. He cursed under his breath as he
heard people walking past his door, laughing.
 
After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room.  "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.  Angrily, the man              answered, "What's the matter, Doc?  Haven't  you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed.....
"Not with a carnation."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on October 12, 2008, 05:20:10 PM
Not sure if this is a joke or not  :-\  but she sure brings some laughs:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-1sn7o0j8A&NR=1
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on October 12, 2008, 05:46:22 PM
A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's nether region. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.
After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his member, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the Doctor said, "I could give it a try."
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"
"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little SOB!."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 12, 2008, 05:56:14 PM
                          A 'Polish' man moved to the USA, and married an American girl..

                           Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well...

                           One day, he rushed into a lawyer's office, and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him...

                           The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,
                        and asked him the following questions:
                         =================
                           "Have you any grounds?"

                           "Yes, an acre and half, and nice little home."

                           "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

                           "It made of concrete..".

                           "I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?"

                           "No, we have carport, and not need one."

                           "I mean...What are your relations like?"

                           "All my relations still in Poland..."

                           "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

                           "...We have hi-fidelity stereo, and good DVD player."

                           "Does your wife beat you up?"

                           "No, I always up before her."

                           "Is your wife a nagger?"

                           "No, she white..."

                           "Why do you want this divorce?"

                           "...She going to kill me."

                           "What makes you think that?"

                           "I got proof..."

                           "What kind of proof?"

                           "...She going to poison me. ...She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. ...I 'can' read, and it say, "Polish Remover"...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on October 12, 2008, 06:08:06 PM
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be
 married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The
 conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex
 lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by
 engaging in some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes.
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the
end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat.
When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on
was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels.. He was so
aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'

The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When
 my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black
 mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on
 that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of
 planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I
 took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped
 into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and
 six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action.
 When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat
 down and yelled "Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on October 12, 2008, 06:31:43 PM
Not sure if this is a joke or not  :-\  but she sure brings some laughs:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-1sn7o0j8A&NR=1

OMG, is that Kelly Pickler? Damn, she sings good, but talk about a sack of hammers!!!!

Well, if the tabloids are right, she was a beutician before Star Search or whatever show she was on.

Sack of freakin' hammers!     :(

Jeesh . . . .
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Fatman on October 13, 2008, 11:21:35 AM
From Just for Laughs:
http://www.youtube.com/v/9Bf-7PxQ894&hl=en&fs=1


http://www.youtube.com/v/cEubBFbsDMY&hl=en&fs=1





Best for last:


http://www.youtube.com/v/kIReX7aRBec&hl=en&fs=1
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on October 13, 2008, 06:02:10 PM
With the problems in the financial sector in the UK and USA , uncertainty has now hit Japan .

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on October 13, 2008, 07:11:53 PM
A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ocin on October 14, 2008, 01:10:38 AM
Less then smart cops...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xIHwNDpFbi0

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on October 14, 2008, 02:34:19 AM
Less then smart cops...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xIHwNDpFbi0

Quotes from that youtube page: "the guy who uploaded thought it was real read description lol" "It was a commercial, but you'd be surprised how stupid cops can be. It doesn't take much to get a badge."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 14, 2008, 12:53:11 PM
How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler, repair curtains, and pick up more Band-Aids. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
 
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans. Drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply pressure with a towel to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to one leg of the dining table. Get heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

 

How To Give A Dog A Pill

 
1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MinotBob on October 14, 2008, 09:58:21 PM
Comments made in the year 1955!
That's only 53 years ago!

'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.'

'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year?
It won't be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a used one.'

'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.

'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?'

'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.'

'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.'

'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.'

'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas .'

'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.'

'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.'

'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.'

'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.'

'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.'

'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress.'

'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.'

'There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.'

'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood.'

'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on October 15, 2008, 07:46:49 PM

> 1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Circumference. 
>

>         He acquired his size from too much pi.

> 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to
>         be an optical Aleutian.

>  3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

> 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because
>          it was a weapon of math disruption.

> 5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
>
> 6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

> 7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

> 8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 

> 9. Two silk worms had a race.  They ended up in a tie. 

> 10. Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.

> 11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.  The police are looking into it.

>  12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

>  13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.  One hat said to the other,
>             'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

> 14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.  Then it hit me.

>  15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

> 16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.  When his
>              grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

> 17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

> 18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

>  19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

>  20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

>  21. A backward poet writes inverse.

> 22. In democracy it's your vote that counts.  In feudalism it's your Count that votes.

> 23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

> 24. Don't join dangerous cults.  Practice safe sects!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on October 15, 2008, 08:22:26 PM
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ocin on October 16, 2008, 04:50:47 AM



Was this the cat in question?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AmDDp-cCo24

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on October 16, 2008, 12:07:14 PM
To give my dog a pill I put it in a spoonful of peanut butter. He gets a pill, a snack, and a shiny coat too.
If you give him a big spoonful of peanut butter it's entertaining too. As a woman at work said one day it, looks like he's talking.  ;D
I don't care what people say about having cats as pets, they're wild animals. Some are worse than that one.
You can train a cat to go potty in a box and stink up the house, but you can teach a dog to let you know when he wants outside to go.
I saw an article the other day that some guys are pretending to like cats. They must think it makes them more attractive.
Sorry. No joke.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on October 17, 2008, 12:09:15 AM
The Silent Fart

An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through, she leaned over and whispered to her husband, 'I just let out a long silent fart What do you think I should do?'

He replied, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 17, 2008, 09:03:59 PM
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic        Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


 PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 17, 2008, 09:06:07 PM
Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it.

They failed and it closed.

Now are we trusting the economy of our country to a pack of nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling booze?


 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 17, 2008, 11:00:02 PM
Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it.

They failed and it closed.

Now are we trusting the economy of our country to a pack of nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling booze?


 ;D
And health care ???

By the way, I heard that the NEW manager of the Mustang Ranch is Hiedi Fliess  ;D No joke, I saw it in some business news a couple months ago.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 18, 2008, 04:18:13 PM
Redneck Church

1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if .... the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... when the pastor says, 'I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,' five guys and two women stand up.

4 You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because 'It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of'.

6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the choir is known as the 'OK Chorale'.

7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven
last names in the church directory.

8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... people think 'rapture' is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized 'Wheeling ' washtub.

10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the collection plates are really hubcaps from a'56 Chevy.

12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ....the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the communion wine is Boone's Farm 'Tickled Pink'.

15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... 'Thou shall not covet' applies to huntin' dogs, too.

16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the final words of the benediction are, 'Y'all come back now, Ya hear'.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on October 19, 2008, 12:46:38 AM
Redneck Church

1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if .... the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... when the pastor says, 'I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,' five guys and two women stand up.

4 You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because 'It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of'.

6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the choir is known as the 'OK Chorale'.

7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven
last names in the church directory.

8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... people think 'rapture' is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized 'Wheeling ' washtub.

10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the collection plates are really hubcaps from a'56 Chevy.

12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ....the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the communion wine is Boone's Farm 'Tickled Pink'.  ;D 

15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... 'Thou shall not covet' applies to huntin' dogs, too.

16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the final words of the benediction are, 'Y'all come back now, Ya hear'.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on October 19, 2008, 11:37:48 PM
A woman with 2 BIG BOOBS!

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/image001-1.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on October 20, 2008, 05:59:42 AM
A cabbie picks up a Nun.

      She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
      cab driver won't stop staring at her.

      She asks him why he is staring.

      He replies:
      "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

      She answers,
      "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
      and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
      hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
      say or ask that I would find offensive."

      "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

      She responds,
      "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
      to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

      The cab driver is very excited and says,
      "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

      "OK"  the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

      The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
      make a hooker blush.

      But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

      "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

      "Forgive me but I've sinned.  I lied and I must confess,
      I'm married and I'm Jewish."

      The nun says, "That's OK. 
      My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on October 20, 2008, 12:50:44 PM
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from IOWA.
He told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from ARKANSAS .
 He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from KANSAS.
He told her that her duties were to keep the house clean ed, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything. The second day he didn't see anything, either.
 But, by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he
could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

Gotta LOVE those KANSAS Women!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on October 20, 2008, 02:48:52 PM
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from IOWA.
He told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from ARKANSAS .
 He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from KANSAS.
He told her that her duties were to keep the house clean ed, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything. The second day he didn't see anything, either.
 But, by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he
could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

Gotta LOVE those KANSAS Women!!!


Where can we send get well soon cards for Marshal?  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on October 21, 2008, 12:55:45 AM
Why Women Stay Single..

Gosh this is funny.......




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oe0rvkQ597w
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 21, 2008, 12:58:11 PM
Was that Haz at about the 1:16 mark?
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on October 21, 2008, 01:06:15 PM
Was that Haz at about the 1:16 mark?
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D


Yep!  That rock back in the chair acts like a super shooter.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 21, 2008, 01:09:31 PM
Did the same thing off the tailgate of a pick-up truck.......once.... ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: bjc1369 on October 22, 2008, 02:00:25 PM
Three old Texas railroad men were talking about the biggest rattlesnake they ever saw.

The first one said: "Yeah, I remember one time on the Quanah run back in '45, a snake was laying across the tracks and when we ran over it, we could feel the engine jump like we was going over a speed bump."

The second one said: "Oh yeah, that warnt no snake.  On the Panhandle run in '42, a snake rared up and bit one of the drive wheels.  It swole up so much that we had to grind off 43 pounds of iron to make it round again."

The third one said: "Hell, those warnt no snakes.  On the Amarillo run in '46, we saw a snake laying beside the tracks.  It was so big that...uh...well it was about...uh...it must'a been at least...uh...hell, we really couldn't figure out how big it was, but its a**hole weighed a thousand pounds."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on October 22, 2008, 06:17:48 PM
It's getting deep in here.

Did you hear about the Texan who was so big that when he died they couldn't find a casket big enough for him? They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box.





To my friends in Texas; I don't write 'em, I just repeat 'em.


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on October 22, 2008, 07:59:08 PM
hahahaha.. Love it!!
(http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/rofl.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on October 22, 2008, 08:05:53 PM
Ya know how to find Texas?

Go West til ya smell $h!t...that's Oklahoma...

Turn South an go til ya step in $h!t....That's Texas!!



Just kiddin' y'all.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: m25operator on October 22, 2008, 10:33:05 PM
Me too ;)

 Welcome To Texas          MP3 Excerpt
Brian Burns - (C)opr. 1999 - Brian Burns Music (BMI)

Welcome to Texas, glad that you came down,
you’ve got lots of friends here, take a look around.
They come from California, they come from Ohio,
they come from Minnesota to get out of the snow.

You don’t like our drivin’, you don’t like our roads,
you make fun of the way we talk, make fun of our clothes,
but you clog up our highways, been pourin’ in for years;
if you don’t like the way we do it, what are you doin’ here?

CHORUS:
Welcome to Texas, don’t anybody get me wrong;
we’re glad y’all came to see us, just don’t forget to go back home.

We don’t need your politics, we don’t need your prayers,
we don’t need your moral compass leadin’ us anywhere.
We don’t need your business, we don’t need your art,
we don’t really give a damn how you did things up north.

REPEAT CHORUS

You gripe about our music, gripe about our food,
gripe about the weather here, say it’s way too hot for you.
We hear all your whinin’, and it starts wearin’ thin
when we see our milk and honey runnin’ down your chin.

So come on down to Texas, have yourself a ball,
take the kids to Six Flags, and the wife out to the mall.
Have a good vacation, but then don’t hesitate
to point your car back up the road to that outbound interstate.

Welcome to Texas, don't anybody get me wrong, glad y'all came to see us, just DON'T FORGET TO GO BACK HOME! ;D

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 23, 2008, 02:41:00 AM
Another great idea ! Lets rag on the guys and gals from the state where "He needed it" is legal grounds for shooting some one. Then the survivors can go back to picking on M'ette  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on October 23, 2008, 05:14:19 AM
Yer onner. He jes need killin'.
Case dismissed.  :)


I like Texas justice but I was always glad to go back home.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: bjc1369 on October 23, 2008, 01:11:06 PM
OK, the railroad joke really stirred up a hornet's nest.  Try this one.

Three Aggies were invited to a Christmas costume party.  Each guest was to dress in a Christmas-oriented theme.  All three came in wearing long asbestos coats with yellow striping along the bottom and sides, upside down oxygen bottles on their backs hooked to full-face breathing masks.  Each had a big red fireman's helmet, big rubber boots, and an axe.

The host of the party looked at them and went crazy.  "What are you guys doing?  This is a Christmas costume party.  You're supposed to be dressed in a Christmas theme costume.  You guys really blew it this time."

One of the Aggies said: "We are dressed as Christmas characters.  We'er the 3 Wise Men."

The host replied: "What?  You're dressed as firemen.  How can that be a Christmas theme?"

The Aggie said: "You really ought to read the Bible a bit closer.  It says right there in the Good Book that the 3 Wise Men came from a far."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on October 23, 2008, 03:46:37 PM
BOOOOOOOO, HISSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: brosometal on October 23, 2008, 04:11:35 PM
OK, the railroad joke really stirred up a hornet's nest.  Try this one.

Three Aggies were invited to a Christmas costume party.  Each guest was to dress in a Christmas-oriented theme.  All three came in wearing long asbestos coats with yellow striping along the bottom and sides, upside down oxygen bottles on their backs hooked to full-face breathing masks.  Each had a big red fireman's helmet, big rubber boots, and an axe.

The host of the party looked at them and went crazy.  "What are you guys doing?  This is a Christmas costume party.  You're supposed to be dressed in a Christmas theme costume.  You guys really blew it this time."

One of the Aggies said: "We are dressed as Christmas characters.  We'er the 3 Wise Men."

The host replied: "What?  You're dressed as firemen.  How can that be a Christmas theme?"

The Aggie said: "You really ought to read the Bible a bit closer.  It says right there in the Good Book that the 3 Wise Men came from a far."

Things like this should come with warning about drinking liquids before finishing the post.  My nasal passages will thank you.

Too funny
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: deepwater on October 23, 2008, 09:38:42 PM
 NO SEX SINCE 1955         
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'

'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had Sex?'

' 1955, ma'am.'

'Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no Sex since 1955!' She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!'

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice,  'I hope not, it's only 2130 now.'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on October 24, 2008, 12:15:34 AM
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.....it is all true...


Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks & nbsp;   into the room. 

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience. 

 
And most of all...............
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on October 24, 2008, 07:21:18 PM


Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... But she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give
You $100 if you let me have sex with you.'

The girl looked at him and then said, 'NO.'

Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend  down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend, She called him and explained the situation.  Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast.  He won't even be able to get his pants down.'  She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks,'What happened?'

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,
 
'HE HAD ALL QUARTERS!'

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on October 24, 2008, 08:37:29 PM
Just in case anyone hasn't seen this yet: I'm voting for B. Hussein Obama. Here's why.

I'm voting Democrat because English has no place being the official
language in America.

I'm voting Democrat because it's better to turn corn into fuel than it is to
eat.

I'm voting Democrat because I'd rather pay $4 for a gallon of gas than allow
drilling for oil off the coasts of America.

I'm voting Democrat because I think the government will do a better job of
spending my money than I could.

I'm voting Democrat because when we pull out of Afghanistan and Iraq, I
know the Islamic terrorists will stop trying to kill us because they'll
think we're a good and decent country.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe people who can't tell us if it will
rain in two or three days, can now tell us the polar ice caps will disappear
in ten years if I don't start riding a bicycle, build a windmill, or inflate
my tires to proper levels.

I'm voting Democrat because it's alright to kill millions of babies as
long as we keep violent, convicted murderers on death row alive.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe businesses in America should not be
allowed to make profits. Businesses should just break even and give the rest
to the government so politicians and bureaucrats can redistribute the money
the way they think it should be redistributed.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe guns, and not the people misusing
them, are the cause of crimes and killings.

I'm voting Democrat because when someone with a weapon threatens my family
or me, I know the government can respond faster through a call to 911 than I
can with a gun in my hand.

I'm voting Democrat because oil companies' 5% profit on a gallon of gas are
obscene, but government taxes of 18% on the same gallon of gas are just
fine.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe three or four elitist liberals should
rewrite the Constitution every few months to suit some fringe element that
could never get their agenda past voters.

I'm voting Democrat because illegal aliens are not criminals, are not
sucking up resources through government aid, hospital services, education,
or social services, but are just people trying to make a better life by
coming to America illegally. We can't blame them for that, can we?

I'm voting Democrat because now I can now marry whatever I want, so I've
decided to marry my horse.

Makes ya wonder why anyone would ever vote Republican, doesn't it? :D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: bjc1369 on October 24, 2008, 10:46:20 PM
It's bad luck to be superstitious!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: m25operator on October 24, 2008, 10:56:28 PM
Good one JF, just wish it was funny, too afraid, it might come to pass.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on October 25, 2008, 01:05:11 AM
A Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed
reading when the wife looks
over at him and asks THE question.

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get
married again?
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don' t you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to
do"

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND : "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use m y clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence ..................
......
HUSBAND: " Shit."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on October 25, 2008, 01:10:46 AM
 :o  Oops!!!  :) 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on October 26, 2008, 12:40:34 AM
PA SLEEPS NAKED


"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.


"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"


Now, Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that.


Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.


"You see, Miss Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low down coyote. The last few nights, he done ate six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!''


"Stay back, he whispered to all us kids!"


"He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double barreled 12 gauge shot gun through the window of the coop."


"As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog, Zeke, had done woke up and comes sneaking' up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Zeke stuck his cold nose in Daddy's crack!"


"Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on October 26, 2008, 11:03:17 AM
 A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your
mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that
money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Bra d Pitt I would sleep
with! him in a heart beat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million
bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back
to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between
'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on
three million dollars .

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 27, 2008, 02:11:31 PM
With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice. 

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in later this year:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally...

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 27, 2008, 04:02:14 PM
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
    1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
    2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
    3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
    4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
    5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
    6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
     
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
    1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
    2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
    3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
    4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
    5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
    6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
    7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
    1 -- You believe in Santa Claus.
    2 -- You don't believe in Santa Claus.
    3 -- You are Santa Claus.
    4 -- You look like Santa Claus.
     
SUCCESS:
    At age 4, success is . . . . not peeing in your pants.
    At age 12, success is . . . having friends.
    At age 17, success is . . . having a driver's license.
    At age 35, success is . . . having money.
    At age 50, success is . . . having money.
    At age 70, success is . . . having a drivers license.
    At age 75, success is . . . having friends.
    At age 80, success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
     
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 29, 2008, 11:42:21 PM
A senior citizen's group charters a bus from Brooklyn to Atlantic City.

As they entered New Jersey, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says "I've just been molested!

The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.

A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested.

The driver starts to think he may have a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.

The bus driver decides that he'd had enough, and pulls into the first rest area.

When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.

"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" says the bus driver.

"I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I grab it, it keeps running away”.


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on October 30, 2008, 10:45:17 AM
Notice to All  Employees

   

    As of November 5, 2008, when President Obama is officially elected into
    office, our company will install a few new policies which are in keeping
    with his new, inspiring issues of change and fairness:

   

    1. All salespeople will be pooling their sales and
    bonuses into a common pool that will be divided equally between all of
    you. This will serve to give those of you who are underachieving a
    “fair shake.”

   

    2. All low level workers will be pooling their
    wages, including overtime, into a common pool, dividing it equally amongst
    yourselves. This will help those who are “too busy for
    overtime” to reap the rewards from those who have more spare time and
    can work extra hours.

   

    3. All top management will now be referred to as
    “the government.” We will not participate in this
    “pooling” experience because the law doesn't apply to us.

   

    4. The “government” will give eloquent
    speeches to all employees every week, encouraging it's workers to continue
    to work hard “for the good of all.”

   

    5. The employees will be thrilled with these new
    policies because it's “good to spread the wealth.” Those
    of you who have underachieved will finally get an opportunity; those of you
    who have worked hard and had success will feel more
    “patriotic.”

   

    6. The last few people who were hired should clean out their
    desks. Don't feel bad, though, because President Obama will give you
    free healthcare, free handouts, free oil for heating your home, free food
    stamps, and he'll let you stay in your home for as long as you want even if
    you can't pay your mortgage. If you appeal directly to our democratic
    congress, you might even get a free flat screen TV and a coupon for free
    haircuts (shouldn't all Americans be entitled to nice looking hair?) !!!

   

    If for any reason you are not happy with the new
    policies, you may want to rethink your vote on November 4th.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on October 31, 2008, 12:23:02 AM
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.

I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so
exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we' d both still be alive.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on October 31, 2008, 02:52:43 PM
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home,
 I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 31, 2008, 08:12:55 PM
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?


Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don 't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Olde r Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in pla stic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that y ou have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the t runk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this c ar, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!


A
guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, low and behold, he lost
his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to
make his way home, but was stopped by a Mexican Customs Agent at the
Tijuana border.
"May I see your identification, por favor,
señor?" asked the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet,"
replied the guy.
"Si, amigo, I hear that every day.  No ID,
no crossing the border,"
said the agent.
"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he
exclaimed.  "I have a picture of Bill Clinton tattooed on one butt cheek and a
picture of Hillary
Clinton tattooed on the other."
"This I must see," replied the
agent.  With that, the American dropped his pants and bent over in
front of the agent.
"Jesus, Mary , and Joseph, you're right!"
exclaimed the agent.  "Have a safe trip back to Chicago ."
"Thanks!" he
said.  "But why do you think I'm from Chicago ?"
The agent
replied, "I recognized Barack
Obama in the middle!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on November 01, 2008, 10:14:00 AM
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO
HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE
LOCAL BROTHEL

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER
MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN
EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM.   THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND
TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY
GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'

A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?

WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE

HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY
TEETH WITH HER!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 01, 2008, 07:44:45 PM
I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.

She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?

And that, my friend, is the sad definition of 'OLD'!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: blackwolfe on November 03, 2008, 01:34:36 AM
Don't know if someone posted this yet or not.  Got it from my uncle, a retired pastor, via my sister.



The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the
local coffee shop for a snack.

I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was
this cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a
break'?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity
annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.'

He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires.

So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the
second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the
more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, and the
car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers
that said, ' Obama in '08.'

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

The doctor tells me that it's important for my health...: 




Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on November 03, 2008, 08:31:50 PM
Ok, this thread has gotten buried way to far down, and it is a lot my fault ... to much time on my hands today  :-[

Enjoy this that came from a friend:

Hollywood Squares:

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..



 Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A.. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

 
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..


Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.



Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?



Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A.. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.



Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.


 Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh





WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 04, 2008, 11:40:15 AM
Today's Fairy Tales
 

A young girl asked her father if all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon A Time?"

"No," he replied. "A whole lot of them begin with 'If elected, I promise...'"

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 04, 2008, 11:43:35 AM
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was  dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you  don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. 
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping  to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

 :o :o :o :o :o :o :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on November 04, 2008, 08:01:05 PM
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
_____________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at.  If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to
be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
____________________________________________ _________

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
_____________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like 'cumin' or 'tofu.' For all I know, these are the same thing.
_____________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this wil l just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
_____________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator instead (applies to engineers only).
____________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
___________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. It does not make your rear look too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and Margaritas that did that. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
_________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, and this is after all, the year 2008, I will share equally in the housework.  You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.  Like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.
____________________________________________________

THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE TO HELP WOMEN BETTER UNDERSTAND MEN.... AND FOR ALL YOU MEN WHO KNOW CAN REST EASY BECAUSE YOU KNOW YOU ARE UNDERSTOOD.   

((((whatever. ::) ))))
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on November 05, 2008, 02:51:01 AM
I resemble those remarks.....I thimk!!!!!!!

Richard

PS:  DAMN,DAMN,DAMN
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on November 05, 2008, 07:32:13 AM
http://www.fuzzmartin.com/2007/11/15/freds-wine-opener/

The previous is in honor of TAB's latest Avatar  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ichiban on November 05, 2008, 08:23:24 AM
No, no, no.  Ya gotta see the whole original commercial in its entirety.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qj4UCkOQh_o (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qj4UCkOQh_o)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on November 05, 2008, 10:10:12 AM
Handy to have around when you need a bottle of wine opened!!!!!

JMHO

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on November 05, 2008, 10:14:21 AM
Handy to have around when you need a bottle of wine opened!!!!!

JMHO

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on November 05, 2008, 11:51:11 AM
http://www.fuzzmartin.com/2007/11/15/freds-wine-opener/

The previous is in honor of TAB's latest Avatar  ;D


Thanx, I needed that today  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on November 05, 2008, 01:09:04 PM
m58, I didn't want to be too obvious!

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on November 05, 2008, 02:11:48 PM
m58, I didn't want to be too obvious!

Richard

Don't worry.  I've come to find that we are not only lacking in pc skills, but it is well known that M'ette has groomed a stellar group of perverts here  :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on November 05, 2008, 09:14:04 PM
Weeeeeeeellllll, pop my cork!

Oh, I think she did.

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 06, 2008, 10:25:08 AM
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says, 'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!


Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts .
Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more youthfully challenged.


You did notice the size of the print?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on November 06, 2008, 11:09:06 AM


You did notice the size of the print?


Yes, thank you!  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 06, 2008, 11:12:19 AM
Funny that it was you that noticed first........... ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on November 07, 2008, 12:55:46 PM
(http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e330/m58/ATT3055383.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on November 07, 2008, 01:01:51 PM
Bubba Had Shingles.

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this!

Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:


Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. 

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?' Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck.  Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 07, 2008, 04:02:53 PM
Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London.
One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.'
Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors, 'Why does it have to be this way? How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 07, 2008, 04:09:34 PM
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece Of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday........Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 07, 2008, 04:16:42 PM
A lady walks into Tiffany's. 
She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, “Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?”
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little 'toot', she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?”
He answers, “Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price.”
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 08, 2008, 12:12:40 PM
Barrack Obama, Michelle Obama and Oprah Winfrey were flying on Obama's private plane.

Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said,'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.

Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.

Michelle added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, 'Such big-shots back there I could throw all of them out
the window and make millions of people very happy.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: long762range on November 08, 2008, 08:44:39 PM
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 09, 2008, 01:01:48 PM
********GROAN********


 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: long762range on November 09, 2008, 07:58:24 PM
At a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, Obama asked the audience for total quiet.  Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, “Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.”

Little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and silence and said, “Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping!”

 
 

 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on November 09, 2008, 09:48:05 PM
 PSALM 2008-2012


FIRST BOOK OF DEMOCRAT


OBAMA IS MY SHEPHERD, I SHALL NOT WANT.

HE LEADETH ME BESIDE STILL FACTORIES

HE RESTORETH MY FAITH IN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.

HE GUIDETH ME IN THE PATH OF UNEMPLOYMENT

YEA, THOUGH I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE BREAD LINE, I SHALL NOT GO HUNGRY.

OBAMA HAS ANOINTED MY INCOME WITH TAXES,

MY EXPENSES RUNNETH OVER MY INCOME,

SURELY, POVERTY AND HARD LIVING WILL FOLLOW ME ALL THE DAYS OF MY LIFE.

THE DEMOCRATS AND I WILL LIVE FOREVER IN A RENTED HOME.

BUT I AM GLAD I AM AN AMERICAN,

I AM GLAD THAT I AM FREE.

BUT I WISH I WAS A DOG,

    AND OBAMA WAS A TREE.

 



     

     

     

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on November 10, 2008, 08:31:06 AM
A Japanese doctor says, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in 6 weeks.'
 
 
     A German doctor says, 'That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks.'
 
 
     A British doctor says, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks.'
 
 
     The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, 'You guys are way behind. We are about to take a Muslim with no brains, put him in the White House, and then half the country will be out looking for work in one week.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on November 10, 2008, 10:22:02 AM
Drinking with a Redneck Girl

(Does this remind you of anyone?)

        A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.   

        When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

        The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

        The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,

        'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

        ' God Bless America '
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 10, 2008, 01:33:05 PM
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. 
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. 
Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10.'
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
 Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' 
Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'



Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on November 11, 2008, 09:21:56 PM

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said,  'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'The y're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his poc kets and  finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.' ;D ;D :D

And So The Christmas Season
Begins.....
  :) ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 12, 2008, 01:26:22 PM
Our educational system at work:



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on November 12, 2008, 03:58:44 PM
 
Losing all your friends:
Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'

Brother wanted :
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,' send me a brother'....
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....

Meaning of WIFE :
Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'

Confident vs. Confidential: 
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential? '
Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! ' 


Anger Management? :
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.' 
Husband: 'How does that help?' 
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush '


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 13, 2008, 12:46:05 AM
Couple's therapy.

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week... Can you do this?" The husband thought for a moment and replied,... "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 13, 2008, 12:47:05 AM
A potential problem with our money.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 13, 2008, 07:33:38 PM
Can't Get It Up!


Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do," said the doctor.

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife.

"Please take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," requested the doctor.

The woman obliged.

"Now, turn all the way around... Lie down please... Uh-huh, I see... Okay, you can put your clothes back on now."

The doctor took the husband aside and explained, "You're in perfect health, mister. Your wife didn't give me an woody either." 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on November 13, 2008, 07:57:38 PM
Jumbo,

That joke could get me hurt  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on November 13, 2008, 07:59:34 PM
I heard that Marshal and M'ette were in KC shopping last Friday ...

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young lady at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'


 

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000,' the jeweler said.


 

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'


 

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.


 

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.

'There's no money in that account.'


 

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

 

All Seniors Aren't Senile

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on November 13, 2008, 09:08:25 PM
( hee hee hee)
I wouldn't tremble over diamonds.. but if we were in a gun store.........................?

Ohhhh yeahhhh baby!~


 ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 13, 2008, 09:09:34 PM
( hee hee hee)
I wouldn't tremble over diamonds.. but if we were in a gun store.........................?

Ohhhh yeahhhh baby!~


 ;)

 ;D LOL
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on November 13, 2008, 09:11:07 PM
( hee hee hee)
I wouldn't tremble over diamonds.. but if we were in a gun store.........................?

Ohhhh yeahhhh baby!~


 ;)

What can I say ...  Cut and past I can do, but edit takes effort.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on November 13, 2008, 09:19:41 PM
Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in  Jacksonville calls his son in  San Diego two days before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin
your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,"the father says.
 "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in
Denver and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she
shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls  Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced.
Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until
then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for
Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on November 14, 2008, 12:21:43 AM
Two  guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing  their carts around Bunnings when they collide. 

The old timer says to the young guy,  'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and  I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was  going.

'The young guy says, 'That's OK.  It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife,  too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little  desperate.'

The old guy says, 'Well,  maybe we can help each other. What does your  wife look like?'

The young guy says,  'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde  hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and  she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top  and no bra. 'What does your wife look like?' 

The old timer says...... 'Doesn't matter  --- let's look for yours.' 


Most Old  timers are helpful like  that!

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on November 14, 2008, 05:09:03 AM
A recent survey found that 86% of Democrats admited to having sex in the shower.

The other 14% replyed that they have not yet been in prison.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on November 14, 2008, 07:28:23 AM
Here is something to help pass the time on your next shopping trip ... Just be careful who you are next to when you yell BINGO!

(http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e330/m58/cid_003a01c945e260c1aa4001fea8c0bje.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on November 14, 2008, 07:44:03 AM
I was visiting the eye doctor the other day and found that they have found a new way to be cruel to old guys ...


(http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e330/m58/cid_441007F6F79F488D8B365CB7A046B37.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on November 14, 2008, 12:55:23 PM
Dam, I asked my wife not to pose for that poster!

Richard

DIW
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on November 14, 2008, 07:04:24 PM
MB58,
Could you blow that up a bit. I am an old guy and I couldn't see it. ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on November 14, 2008, 07:15:42 PM
MB58,
Could you blow that up a bit. I am an old guy and I couldn't see it. ;)

I'd love to, but I've got blood all over the mouse and keyboard from smacking my nose on the screen trying to see  :-\
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 15, 2008, 07:06:14 PM
Absolutely The Funniest Joke Ever !

Does anybody out there have any memory of the reason given for the establishment of the DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY during the
Carter Administration?   
Anybody?   
Anything?   
No?
Didn't think so.

Bottom line . . we've spent several hundred billion dollars in support of an agency the reason for which no one can remember.

Ready?   

It was very simple, and at the time everybody thought it very appropriate.

The Department of Energy was instituted 8-04-1977 TO LESSEN OUR DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL. 
HEY, PRETTY EFFICIENT, HUH?

AND NOW IT'S 2008, 31 YEARS LATER, AND THE BUDGET FOR THIS NECESSARY DEPARTMENT IS AT $24.2 BILLION A YEAR, THEY HAVE 16,000 FEDERAL EMPLOYEES, AND APPROXIMATELY 100,000 CONTRACT EMPLOYEES AND LOOK AT THE JOB THEY HAVE DONE!
 
THIS IS WHERE YOU SLAP YOUR FOREHEAD AND SAY 'WHAT WAS I THINKING?'

Ah yes, good ole beauocracy.
And now we are going to turn the Banking system over to them?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 15, 2008, 07:33:57 PM
The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

                                      THE END
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 16, 2008, 02:23:39 PM
Southern women appreciate their natural assets:
Clean skin.
A winning smile.
That unforgettable Southern drawl.

Southern women know their manners:
'Yes, ma'am.'
'Yes, sir.'
'Why, no, Billy!'

Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions:

'Y'all come back!'
'Well, bless your heart.'
'Drop by when you can.'
'How's your Momma?'

Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity

Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The rivuh
The crick

Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:
Colorful hi-heel sandals
Strapless sun dresses
Iced sweet tea with mint
Straw hats and big sunglasses

Southern women know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah

Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:

Fried Green Tomatoes
Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind

Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football

Southern women know their country breakfasts:
Red-eye gravy
Grits
Eggs
Country ham
Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with momma's homemade jelly

Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Chawl'stn
S'vanah
Foat Wuth
N'awlins
Addlanna


Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food



A few more Suthern-ism's:
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a 'hissie fit' and a 'conniption fit', and that you don't 'HAVE' them, you 'PITCH' them.
___
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up 'a mess.'
___
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of 'yonder.'
___
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long 'directly' is, as in: 'Going to town, be back directly.'
___
Even Southern babies know that 'Gimme some sugar' is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
___
All Southerners know exactly when 'by and by' is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
___
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor whose got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad.
If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
___
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between 'right near' and 'a right far piece.'
They also know that 'just down the road' can be 1 mile or 20.
___
Only a Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
___
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
___
A Southerner knows that 'fixin' can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
___
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, .. and when we're 'in line,' we talk to everybody!
___
In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.
___
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
___
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
___
When you hear someone say, 'Well, I caught myself lookin',' you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
___
Only true Southerners say 'sweet tea,' 'sweet milk,' and 'light bread' .
Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened.
'Sweet milk' means you don't want buttermilk.
And 'Light bread' is white bread.
___
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway.
You just say,'Bless her heart' ... and go your own way.
___
To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning.
Bless your heart!
___
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
___
And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads 'I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could.'

Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah!

If you're a Northern transplant, Bless your little heart, fake it.
We know you got here as fast as you could.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on November 16, 2008, 03:48:49 PM
The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

                                      THE END
 

That is my favorite joke of all time.. I laugh out loud every time I hear or read it.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 17, 2008, 12:33:40 AM
That is my favorite joke of all time.. I laugh out loud every time I hear or read it.  ;D

My favorite....and I'll clean it up a bit:

A bear and a rabbit are takin' a dump side by side in the woods.

The bear says to the rabbit, "Hey, do you have a problem with crap stickin' to your fur?".

The rabbit says, "No".

So the bear picks the rabbit up and wipes his ass with it.

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 17, 2008, 07:40:11 PM
Sexy Dentist!


A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.

The girl watches him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?"

The girl says, "Easy... you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they were done, the girl says, "You must be a great dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Yes, I sure am a great dentist... How did you figure that out?"

The girl says, "Easy... I didn't feel a thing!" 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on November 18, 2008, 07:46:08 AM
OUCH!  Thats gonna leave a (mental) mark!  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on November 18, 2008, 09:21:20 AM
 A HISTORY LESSON

 Do you know what happened this week back in 1850?

 158 years ago California became a state. The State had no electricity.
The State had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights
in the streets..
   So basically, it was just like it is today, except the women had real
tits and the men didn't hold hands.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on November 18, 2008, 09:23:53 AM
A HISTORY LESSON

 Do you know what happened this week back in 1850?

 158 years ago California became a state. The State had no electricity.
The State had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights
in the streets..
   So basically, it was just like it is today, except the women had real
tits and the men didn't hold hands.


The best jokes just point out absurd truth!  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on November 18, 2008, 12:52:25 PM
A HISTORY LESSON

 Do you know what happened this week back in 1850?

 158 years ago California became a state. The State had no electricity.
The State had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights
in the streets..
   So basically, it was just like it is today, except the women had real
tits and the men didn't hold hands.





(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/emotions/LAUGHING-1.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on November 18, 2008, 05:04:53 PM
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
> Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's

> license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had
> left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I
> would have to go home and come back later.
>
> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt
revealing
> my curly silver hair.
>
> She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and
> she processed my Social Security application.
>
> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
> Social Security office.
>
> She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
> disability, too.'
>
> And then the fight started...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on November 18, 2008, 09:11:03 PM
Ayoug boy and his father were in a drug store. They walked past a condom display, and the little boy asked his father what they where for. The father thought and said well son they are for when a man and a women have sex. The boy say's, Ya we read about them in health class. But why is there packs of 3, 6,and 12.
Well the father said.
3's are for high school boys
one for friday night, one for saturday night, and one for sunday afternoon.
6 packs are for college boys
two for friday night, two for saturday night, and two for sunday afternoon.
The boy said "ok but who would need 12"
Well the father says "thats for married men"
One for January
One for febuary
One for march
One for........


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on November 18, 2008, 09:15:37 PM
A father and his young son were at the grocery store.  As they approached the check out line they found themselves behind a nurse that was shall we say a woman of substance.  As they stand there chatting the nurse's pager goes off, and the son quickly jumped to the side and yelled "Look out dad, She's backin up!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 19, 2008, 01:25:21 AM
Ayoug boy and his father were in a drug store. They walked past a condom display, and the little boy asked his father what they where for. The father thought and said well son they are for when a man and a women have sex. The boy say's, Ya we read about them in health class. But why is there packs of 3, 6,and 12.
Well the father said.
3's are for high school boys
one for friday night, one for saturday night, and one for sunday afternoon.
6 packs are for college boys
two for friday night, two for saturday night, and two for sunday afternoon.
The boy said "ok but who would need 12"
Well the father says "thats for married men"
One for January
One for febuary
One for march
One for........




Once a month! I wish! My ex got horny once a month and had PMS at the same time so we argued and I didn't get any. It was like living in the great dust bowl... you know... the drought lasted for years.  :(  Richard Pryor was right when he said that when you go from being single to married it doesn't taper off, you go from all you can stand... to NOTHING. Except I could have stood some more before marriage.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 19, 2008, 03:25:10 AM
I just came across an acronym and rearranged the actual letters and wording.

Standard Insurance Table/Other Health Insurance - SIT OHI becomes:

Other Health/Standard Health Insurance Table - OH SHIT!!!  :o

That's what I say whenever I get my doctors bill.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on November 19, 2008, 03:37:02 PM
Dad at the Mall.....


I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).

We decided to grap a bite at the Food Court.  I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors:  green, red, orange and blue.   My Dad kept staring at him.  The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one.   And, in classic style, he did not bat an eye in his response.

'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock.  I was just wondering if you were my son.'
 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 20, 2008, 12:15:36 AM
Another plot to kidnap Obama!!!  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on November 20, 2008, 09:33:39 AM
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"


The man said, "These are Carols."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on November 20, 2008, 10:15:01 AM
A vetern went in to apply for a govt job...

Boss..Well youe a vet and that gives you some points, were you wounded?

Vet...Yes, I had my nads blown off by an IED.

Boss...Well that gives you some more points.  Do you have any alergies?

Vet...Yes, I'm alergic to coffee.

Boss...Well that gives you enough points, you're hired.  You start tomorrow, come in at 10 am.

Vet...I thought the work day started at 8 am.

Boss...It does but this is a govt job and for the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratchin' our nads, no need for you to be here.

;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pepper on November 21, 2008, 06:05:34 AM
I was not sure, where to put this one:
http://de.youtube.com/watch?v=JhLVcrxAO08&feature=email




Hell of a mindset!  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on November 21, 2008, 09:32:37 PM
 An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted
 a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so,
  seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
  Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to
  his wife,  'Notice anything different about me?'
  Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'
  Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed
  and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
   Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time,
  'Notice anything different NOW?'
  Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's
  different? It's  hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday,
 it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'
  Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S
  HANGING DOWN,  MARGARET?'
 'Nope', she replied
   'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT
  MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'
  Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,
  'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Y'Shoulda bought a hat.' ;D ;D ;D ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 21, 2008, 09:50:43 PM
I was not sure, where to put this one:
http://de.youtube.com/watch?v=JhLVcrxAO08&feature=email

Hell of a mindset!  ;D


Kids say the darndest things.  :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 22, 2008, 03:26:20 AM
Four Perfect Animals!

A little old lady told a friend of mine the other day when they were standing in line together that all she had ever wanted to have in life was four animals.

My friend who has a large dog and a big heart for strays said, "Oh really, what kind of animals did you want?"

The little old lady said "A mink on my back, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed, and a jackass to pay for all of it."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on November 22, 2008, 03:40:35 PM
‘Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'
 

'Yes. What can I do for you?'
 

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood!
 

Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'
 

‘Thank you very much for the call, sir.'
 

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house.
 

They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
 

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
 

They sneer at Virgil and leave.
 

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
 

'Hey Virgil! This here's Floyd.. Did the Sheriff come?'
 

'Yeah!'
 

'Did they chop your firewood?'
 

'Yep!'
 

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: m25operator on November 22, 2008, 08:23:05 PM
Enjoy, fellow Patriots!
__________________________________________________
 
Barack Obama discovers a leak under his sink, so he calls Joe the Plumber to come and fix it.
 
Joe drives to Obama's house, which is located in a very nice neighborhood and where it's clear that all the residents make more than $250,000 per year.  Joe arrives and takes his tools into the house. Joe is led to the room that contains the leaky pipe under a sink. Joe assesses the problem and tells Obama, who is standing near the door, that it's an easy repair that will take less than 10 minutes.
 
Obama asks Joe how much it will cost. Joe immediately says, '$9,500.' ;D
 
'$9,500?' Obama asks, stunned. 'But you said it's an easy repair!' >:(
 
'Yes, but what I do is charge a lot more to my clients who make more than $250,000 per year so I can fix the plumbing of everybody who makes less than that for free,' explains Joe. 'It's always been my philosophy. As a matter of fact, I lobbied government to pass this philosophy as law, and it did pass earlier this year, so now all plumbers have to do business this way. It's known as 'Joe's Fair Plumbing Act of 2008.' Surprised you haven't heard of it, senator.' ???
 
In spite of that, Obama tells Joe there's no way he's paying that much for a small plumbing repair, so Joe leaves.
Obama spends the next hour flipping through the phone book looking for another plumber, but he finds that all other plumbing businesses listed have gone out of business. Not wanting to pay Joe's price, Obama does nothing.  The leak under Obama's sink goes unrepaired for the next several days. :(
 
A week later the leak is so bad that Obama has had to put a bucket under the sink. The bucket fills up quickly and has to be emptied every hour, and there's a risk that the room will flood, so Obama calls Joe and pleads with him to return.  Joe goes back to Obama's house, looks at the leaky pipe, and says 'Let's see, this will cost you about $21,000.' :o
 
'A few days ago you told me it would cost $9,500!' Obama quickly fires back. >:(
 
Joe explains the reason for the dramatic increase. 'Well, because of the 'Joe's Fair Plumbing Act,' a lot of rich people are learning how to fix their own plumbing, so there are fewer of you paying for all the free plumbing I'm doing for the people who make less than $250,000. As a result, the rate I have to charge my wealthy paying customers rises every day.  Not only that, but for some reason the demand for plumbing work from the group of people who get it for free has skyrocketed, and there's a long waiting list of those who need repairs. This has put a lot of my fellow plumbers out of business, and nobody is going into the plumbing business because they know they won't make any money. I'm hurting now too, all thanks to greedy rich people like you who won't pay their fair share.' :(
 
Obama tries to straighten out the plumber: 'Of course you're hurting, Joe! Don't you get it? If all the rich people learn how to fix their own plumbing and you refuse to charge the poorer people for your services, you'll be broke, and then what will you do?' ???
 
Joe immediately replies, 'Run for president, apparently.' ;D ;D ;) ;)
 
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 23, 2008, 01:09:27 AM
Hinckley to be released

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980s. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan. There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from John McCain that the staff at the mental facility, treating Hinckley, reports to have intercepted this past weekend:

To: John Hinckley

From: John McCain

My wife and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.

My wife Cindy and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best Wishes,

John and Cindy McCain

PS: Barack Obama has been f***ing Jodie Foster.  Thought you should know.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on November 23, 2008, 04:16:37 PM
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
> and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes

> you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
>
> Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... He was a DWARF!!!
>
> He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
> HAPPY!!!'
>
> So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
>
> And then the fight started...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on November 23, 2008, 05:21:56 PM
(http://www.performanceboats.com/html/youBoat/data/500/medium/hat.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 25, 2008, 02:59:48 AM
YOU GOT TO LOVE THE LAW
 
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and
are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.
 
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin ' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney.
      Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
 And the best for last:
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on November 26, 2008, 01:22:15 AM
Wus DA night afo' Crizzmus, and all thru DA hood, everybody be sleepin' and DA sleepin' be good.
We hunged up our stockins, an hoped like all heck, dat dear Ol' Obama's, gunna brang us our checks.

All of DA family, was ly'in on the flow, my sister wif her gurlfriend, and my brother wif some hoe.
Ashtrays was all full , empty beer cans and all when I heared such a fuss, I thunk...."Sh'eet, it must be DA law".

I pulled the sheet off DA windoe and what I'ze could see, I was spectin' the sherrif, wif a warrant of me.
 But what did I see, made me say, "Laaawd look at dat". Dere was a huge watermelon, pulled by 8 big-ass rats.

Now over all of DA years, Santy Claws he be white, but it looks like us brotha's, got a black un' tonight.

Faster than a poe'lice car, my homeboy he came, and whupped up on dem rats, as he called dem by name.

On Biden, On Jessie, On Polosi and Hillary Who, On Fannie, On Freddi, On Ayers, and Slick Willy too.
Obama landed dat melon, right there in DA street, I knowed it of sho', - can you believe that Sh'eet!.

Dat Santy didn't need no chimney, he picked DA lock on my doe, an I sez to myself, "Son O bitch...he don did dis befoe"!

He had a big bag, full of presents - at first I suspeck? Wif "Air Jordans" and fake gold, to wear roun my neck.

But he left me no presents, just started stealin my shit. He got my guns and my crack, and my new burglers kit.
Den, wif my crap in his bag, out DA windoe he flew, I sho' woulda shanked him, be he snagged my knife too.

He jumped back on dat melon, wif out even a hitch, and waz gone in two seconds, "democrat son of a bitch".

So nex year I be hopin', a white Santy we git, 'cause a black Santy Claws, just ain't worf a shit !!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on November 26, 2008, 10:37:30 AM
  A young man goes into the Job Center in Fresno, California, and sees
a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
   
    Interested, he goes to learn more - 'Can you give me some more
details?' he asks the clerk.
   
    The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting the
patients prepared for the gynecologist.
   
    You have to help them out of their underthings, the bras, the
panties . . . lay them down on a gurney and carefully wash their private
regions with a medical preparation, then if you find the patient has pubic
hair you must apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in
soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
   
    There's an annual salary of $85,000, but you're going to have to go
to Denver, Colorado, . That's about 900 miles from here.'
   
    'Oh, is that where the job is?' In Denver?"
   
    'No sir - that's where the end of the line is right now.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread... Obama springs a leak
Post by: bryand71 on November 26, 2008, 11:10:35 AM
Got this from the Neal Boortz website. Enjoy.  ;D

Barack Obama discovers a leak under his sink, so he calls Joe the Plumber to come and fix it.

Joe drives to Obama’s house, which is located in a very nice neighborhood and where it’s clear that all the residents make more than $250,000 per year. Joe arrives and takes his tools into the house. Joe is led to the room that contains the leaky pipe under a sink. Joe assesses the problem and tells Obama, who is standing near the door, that it's an easy repair that will take less than 10 minutes.

Obama asks Joe how much it will cost.

Joe immediately says, "$9,500."

"$9,500?" Obama asks, stunned. "But you said it's an easy repair!"

"Yes, but what I do is charge a lot more to my clients who make more than $250,000 per year so I can fix the plumbing of everybody who makes less than that for free," explains Joe. "It's always been my philosophy. As a matter of fact, I lobbied government to pass this philosophy as law, and it did pass earlier this year, so now all plumbers have to do business this way. It's known as 'Joe's Fair Plumbing Act of 2008.' Surprised you haven’t heard of it, senator."

In spite of that, Obama tells Joe there's no way he’s paying that much for a small plumbing repair, so Joe leaves.

Obama spends the next hour flipping through the phone book looking for another plumber, but he finds that all other plumbing businesses listed have gone out of business. Not wanting to pay Joe's price, Obama does nothing.

The leak under Obama’s sink goes unrepaired for the next several days. A week later the leak is so bad that Obama has had to put a bucket under the sink. The bucket fills up quickly and has to be emptied every hour, and there's a risk that the room will flood, so Obama calls Joe and pleads with him to return.

Joe goes back to Obama’s house, looks at the leaky pipe, and says "Let's see – this will cost you about $21,000."

"A few days ago you told me it would cost $9,500!" Obama quickly fires back.

Joe explains the reason for the dramatic increase. "Well, because of the 'Joe's Fair Plumbing Act,' a lot of rich people are learning how to fix their own plumbing, so there are fewer of you paying for all the free plumbing I'm doing for the people who make less than $250,000. As a result, the rate I have to charge my wealthy paying customers rises every day. "Not only that, but for some reason the demand for plumbing work from the group of people who get it for free has skyrocketed, and there’s a long waiting list of those who need repairs. This has put a lot of my fellow plumbers out of business, and they’re not being replaced – nobody is going into the plumbing business because they know they won’t make any money. I'm hurting now too – all thanks to greedy rich people like you who won't pay their fair share."

Obama tries to straighten out the plumber: "Of course you're hurting, Joe! Don't you get it? If all the rich people learn how to fix their own plumbing and you refuse to charge the poorer people for your services, you’ll be broke, and then what will you do?"

Joe immediately replies, "Run for president, apparently.”
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 26, 2008, 01:07:38 PM
A knife Block for the Ladies:

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 26, 2008, 01:19:31 PM
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.
So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house'
'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had
met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' said Bob
'Did you, ah... happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'


(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... now keep that smile for the rest of the day.)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on November 26, 2008, 02:51:16 PM
An armed and hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.

One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

Did anyone else see my face?' calls the robber.

There is a few moments silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:

'I think me wife may have caught a glimpse ....'


 :P :D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 27, 2008, 11:11:03 PM
A couple were watching a Discovery Channel Special about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight.
After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, 'How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?'
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, 'How is our little tribal experiment coming along?'
'Well, it looks like we're about half way there,' he replied.
'Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?'
'No, but it has turned black.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on November 28, 2008, 04:10:11 AM
(http://newmedia.funnyjunk.com/pictures/womenelement.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on November 28, 2008, 10:50:22 AM
December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14 - Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.

December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my bazooka on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. man I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the darn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. darn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

 December 23 - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24 - 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the guy who drives that snowplow I'll drag him through the snow by his legs and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the darn snowplow.

December 25 - Merry -bleeping- Christmas! 20 more inches of the darn slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's mentally challenged. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me 1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE plow driver is driving me crazy!!!

December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his bazooka. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
 
December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on November 28, 2008, 11:31:47 AM
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/emotions/laughing-8.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on November 28, 2008, 07:28:46 PM
I'm in NH and I don't get the joke, That pretty much sums up last winter, and the one before , and the one before:(
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on November 28, 2008, 08:15:53 PM
And that was just last week here in ND.

I do not understand why Floridians think that's funny!

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on November 28, 2008, 08:45:45 PM
I'm in NH and I don't get the joke, That pretty much sums up last winter, and the one before , and the one before:(

I don't see it either ... Maybe a light frost and a guy from Florida explains it ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on November 28, 2008, 09:48:36 PM
I don't see it either ... Maybe a light frost and a guy from Florida explains it ;)

Must be ???
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: deepwater on November 28, 2008, 10:54:15 PM
HAZCAT says (being in a hazarita induced stupor.....) that some of us have 'Progressed' beyond a primitive hunter, gatherer society and migrated to a climate more suitable to those of us of superior intellect.... which of course, excludes M58, RASTUS, TOMBOGAN, and PATHFINDER.... (hic) ..
    Now, as to Haz's sweetheart, M'ette, you are the only one that has realized that she should be here with Haz in the land of bikinis and beautiful women.....  eat your hearts out..... HAZ 

(Haz made me write this as he is (really) eight pitchers of hazaritas into oblivion... (ouch) (I am helping..)..

NOTE;  we have some improvements to the 'HAZARITA' (same alcahol content though)  ;D  :P
we'll post it in the morning......  :P
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Phaideaux on November 28, 2008, 11:21:02 PM
the following is a P.S.A. paid for in part by 'oh god I lost my pants'

It should be noted that in HAZ's current state of inebriation any and all text posted should be overlooked.

Haz, you may thank me later for protecting your posterior.



[spoiler alert]
yes, Haz Jr. has made his triumphant return.
[/spoiler]
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: bryand71 on November 28, 2008, 11:33:51 PM
the following is a P.S.A. paid for in part by 'oh god I lost my pants'

It should be noted that in HAZ's current state of inebriation any and all text posted should be overlooked.

Haz, you may thank me later for protecting your posterior.



[spoiler alert]
yes, Haz Jr. has made his triumphant return.
[/spoiler]

TMI?  ???
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: deepwater on November 28, 2008, 11:36:21 PM
TMI?  ???

depends on how much you remember in the morning.... or, admit to..
you know.........
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on November 29, 2008, 05:57:26 AM

Brings new meaning to the term, "Senior Week". It's going to take him that long to get over this toot.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on November 29, 2008, 06:03:35 AM
Looks like it is time for a new rule on forum members meeting face to face and the amount of alcohol present at the time  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on November 29, 2008, 09:40:56 AM
HAZCAT says (being in a hazarita induced stupor.....) that some of us have 'Progressed' beyond a primitive hunter, gatherer society and migrated to a climate more suitable to those of us of superior intellect.... which of course, excludes M58, RASTUS, TOMBOGAN, and PATHFINDER.... (hic) ..
    Now, as to Haz's sweetheart, M'ette, you are the only one that has realized that she should be here with Haz in the land of bikinis and beautiful women.....  eat your hearts out..... HAZ 

(Haz made me write this as he is (really) eight pitchers of hazaritas into oblivion... (ouch) (I am helping..)..

NOTE;  we have some improvements to the 'HAZARITA' (same alcahol content though)  ;D  :P
we'll post it in the morning......  :P

I think Haz's brain overheated from to many Hazarita's  ;D I did try to move to a place with a better climate, unfortunately it was Ca. and everything else about it SUCKED. Maybe next time I'll try New Mexico, Utah, or Texas.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on November 29, 2008, 09:43:55 AM
Looks like it is time for a new rule on forum members meeting face to face and the amount of alcohol present at the time  ;)

Yes, New rule, It's OK to leave the guns out but the keyboard should be locked up  ;D 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 29, 2008, 10:23:52 AM
Yes, New rule, It's OK to leave the guns out but the keyboard should be locked up  ;D 

He'd probably slur his typing anyway and we couldn't read or understand it.    ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: long762range on November 29, 2008, 04:26:19 PM

Dear Abby ,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me
from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies
everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me.

It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job eight
years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he
does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshit with his
buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter
finished college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints
that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed, Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't
need him anymore.

You're a United States Senator from New York. Act
like it!

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on November 29, 2008, 07:27:49 PM
Well, I survived the Hazarita overload. (I think ::) )

New recipe......

6 (or 7) ozs of To-kill-ya
3 ozs of frozen lime juice (less acid that way)
2 ozs of white wine (to reduce sweetness)
Lots of ice and blend

THEN add the 6 ozs of beer and give a quick blend (makes it less foamy this way)

Imbibe and and FORGET about being able to do anything else!  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on November 29, 2008, 07:30:29 PM
Looks like it is time for a new rule on forum members meeting face to face and the amount of alcohol present at the time  ;)

Yes, new rule;

Take number of members present then multiply by two to get requisite gallons of alcohol (preferably Hazaritas) needed.  :D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on November 29, 2008, 07:32:00 PM
A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99.

The guy obeys and says, 99!

The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your left side and again,while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, 99.'

Again, the guy says, '99.'

The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, 99.'

The guy begins, 'One .. Two ... Three'...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on November 29, 2008, 07:34:14 PM
A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99.

The guy obeys and says, 99!

The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your left side and again,while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, 99.'

Again, the guy says, '99.'

The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, 99.'

The guy begins, 'One .. Two ... Three'...


So you were that doctor...i'm really sorry about counting so slowly.     
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on November 29, 2008, 07:36:24 PM
An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra

'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'
   
'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist '
but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '
   
'I'm 96' said the old man.

I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far
enough so that I don't piss on my slippers.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on November 29, 2008, 07:43:30 PM
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling. '

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked  "What are you sellin' here?"

 One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

Seniors - Don't mess with them.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on November 30, 2008, 11:40:27 AM
THE VIBRATOR

 As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
 door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
 within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
 with a vibrator.
 
 Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you
 doing?'
 
 The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years
 old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
 I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
 leave me alone.'
 
 The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
 coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
 door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
 daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
 
 To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
 said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
 thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
 husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
 
 A couple days later, the wife came home from a
 shopping trip,
 placed the groceries on the kitchen
 counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
 of all places, the living room. She entered that
 area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
 downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
 
 The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
 like crazy.
 
 The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'
 
 The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my
 son-in-law
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 30, 2008, 08:53:32 PM
35 years old and still living at home. No wonder she's still single.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on December 02, 2008, 06:42:21 AM
 


FAST SEX !


 
Dougie wanted desperately to have sex with  this  really cute, really hot girl in his office...But she was dating someone else.

 
 
One day Dougie got so frustrated that he went to her and said

I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...

 
The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'

 
 
Dougie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

 
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.

 
So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.'

 
She agreed and accepts the proposal.

 
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.

 
Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened...?' Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters!'

 

 
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
 
 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on December 02, 2008, 10:14:10 PM
Dear Santa,

Please send me a baby brother.


(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/santa.jpg)


Santa wrote back:
 
"Send me your mother..."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Fatman on December 02, 2008, 10:31:30 PM
A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.

He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after trying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bull's-eyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.

An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bull's-eyes and was given another turtle.

Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target and pulled the trigger three times. Again, he scored three bull's-eyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.

"That's fantastic," the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"

The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.

"Yes, sir!" he announced to the crowd, "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!"

"I don't want any bloody glasses," the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 02, 2008, 10:41:56 PM

Hallmark moment.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MinotBob on December 02, 2008, 11:25:47 PM
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student
named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his
hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for
the People, shall not perish from the Earth?' Again, no response
except from Chandrasekhar.

"Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its
history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "F*ck the Indians!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Chandrasekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Chandrasekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime
Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to
the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little &$#*. If you
say anything else, I'll kill you."

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael
Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher
on the floor, someone said, "Oh &$#*, we're screwed!"

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "I think it was the American people,
November 4, 2008."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Grizzle_Bear on December 03, 2008, 08:56:04 AM
I have been noticing that we are getting a lot of repeat jokes on this thread.

I suggest that newcomers read the ENTIRE thread before posting.  It would be best to do this in small pieces, as reading the entire thread in a single sitting could lead to a fatal level of jocularity.

I would like to further suggest that Marshalette number all the jokes.  That way we can be like the old story of the guys in jail, where one would yell out something like "Fourtyseven!" and everyone would laugh, knowing the joke already.  In this manner, any further repeat jokes on the thread could be replaced with a number, with a great saving in time and bandwidth for all of us.

Thank you for your co-operation in this matter.

Your truly;

Grizzle Bear

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on December 03, 2008, 09:33:22 AM
I nominate Grizzle Bear to review the entire thread, remove duplicates and number the jokes!  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: mudman on December 03, 2008, 09:59:36 AM
+1
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 03, 2008, 10:19:31 AM
I nominate Grizzle Bear to review the entire thread, remove duplicates and number the jokes!  ;D

I second the nomination......all in favor send .44 mag ammo to me............. ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on December 03, 2008, 11:28:06 AM
I nominate Grizzle Bear to review the entire thread, remove duplicates and number the jokes!  ;D

Don't do that ... I can't remember many and like hearing them for the first time ... over and over and over  ;)

P.S.

Any of you lonely hearts out there are welcome to visit my bathroom.  I meet some of the nicest guys in there every morning.  Can't wait to hear new stories from the guy that shaves with me tomorrow.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on December 03, 2008, 11:38:27 AM
Don't do that ... I can't remember many and like hearing them for the first time ... over and over and over  ;)

P.S.

Any of you lonely hearts out there are welcome to visit my bathroom.  I meet some of the nicest guys in there every morning.  Can't wait to hear new stories from the guy that shaves with me tomorrow.

You sound like my Sons' brain dead cat.  Every time he blinks it's a brand new world!  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on December 03, 2008, 01:05:58 PM
Brain Dead ... That pretty well describes me  :D

I just live here in my happy little world and enjoy the lead poisoning  :D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on December 03, 2008, 01:09:16 PM
Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00.

 The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.  The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad
 news, the donkey died.'
 
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Son, I can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
 
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What in the world are ya gonna do with a dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'Like I told you, I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck now works for the government.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on December 04, 2008, 07:46:38 PM
OLDER WOMEN

 

 

 I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.

 She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old.

 In fact, she  wasn't too  bad at all, and I found myself

 thinking that she probably had a really hot
 daughter.

 

 

 We drank a bit, and we had a bit of a snuggle, and she

 asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?

 

'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and

 daughter threesome,' she said.

 

 
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I  wondered what

 this daughter of hers might look like, I said,  'No, I haven't.'

 We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink,

'Tonight's your lucky night.

 

We went back to her place. We walked in.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:

 

 

 

 

 'Mom, you still awake

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: m25operator on December 04, 2008, 08:45:05 PM
Hah, Hah, Hah, Hah, hoo, hoo, hoo, ;D ;D ;D ;D ;) ;) ;), just go's to show ya, never trust people over 50, they're sly. ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on December 05, 2008, 09:47:55 AM
This shows how secure I am...

What is the difference between a Christmas Tree and a Man?

The tree stays up for at least 12 days and it looks good with the lights on!


Merry Christmas

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on December 05, 2008, 10:53:04 AM
Ole and Sven were fishing when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.

'Could I see him?'

Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks....flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on December 05, 2008, 01:24:12 PM
Sven and Ole are sitting and watching the girls at spring break in Duluth.  As they enjoy the wet parka contest Ole asks Sven what heaven will be like.  Sven says he thinks there will be beer kegs everywhere and beautiful blondes all around.  At that moment Ole drops over dead.

Several years later Sven dies.  As Sven enters through the gates he sees Ole on a park bench.  A beautiful blonde in a bikini at each arm and a beer keg at his feet.  As he nears he notices that Ole isn't smiling.  Ole, Sven asks, what is wrong.  Ole replies ... Sven it isn't as it seems ... There's a hole in the keg but not in these  :'(
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on December 05, 2008, 04:17:57 PM
Quote
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher
on the floor, someone said, "Oh &$#*, we're screwed!"

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "I think it was the American people,
November 4, 2008."

Damn it, that ain't funny.  It's WAY too accurate to be funny!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on December 06, 2008, 01:47:25 PM
Two good ole boy farmers, Bubba and Roy, were driving down a country road in the pickup one day when from the passenger seat Bubba says, "Hey, stop!!  Back up!!  There's a bottle laying on the shoulder of the road, and with grain prices being what they are, every dime counts!!"

The pair picks up the bottle, and as Bubba wiped the dust from it, a genie appeared.  The genie said, "Boys, you've saved my life!  For freeing me from the bottle I'll grant you 3 wishes.  That's one wish each day for the next 3 days.  What's your first wish?"

The boys thought it over for a moment before Roy replied, "We've talked it over and decided that we want to get $10 a bushel for corn."

"Done!!!", says the genie.

The next morning the genie appeared to the pair and said, "Ok, guys, day number two, time for wish number 2.  What's it gonna be today?"

To which Bubba replies, "We've decided that we want to get $20 a bushel for soybeans!"

"Done!!!", says the genie.

On the third morning, the genie appears to Roy and Bubba for the final time.  "Ok guys", says the genie, "Today is your last wish.  Better make it a good one.  What's it gonna be today?"

Bubba replies, "We've decided we want to get $10 a bushel for corn!"

"But I granted that wish the day before yesterday", protests the genie.

"I know", said Roy, "but we didn't sell."



(If you don't get that one, ask a farmer)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 06, 2008, 07:56:34 PM
Letter to the bank president
 
 
Dear Sirs,

In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at the moment,
I was wondering if you could advise me... If one of my checks is returned marked
'insufficient funds,' how do I know whether that refers to me or to you?


Sincerely,
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 06, 2008, 09:51:22 PM
For those who are --- seniors --- for all of you who know seniors --- and for all of you who --- will be seniors.
It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are!
And, speaking of senior moments:


The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.
'Ma'am,' said the newspaper employee, 'today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday.'
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition..as she was heard to mutter 'Well, shit .....so that's why no one was at church today.'

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on December 07, 2008, 09:39:00 AM
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got
> >their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
> >
> >
> >
> >Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe,
> >look towards sky; what you see?"
> >
> >
> >
> >The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."  What that tell
> >you ?" asked Tonto.
> >
> >
> >
> >The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "astronomically
> >speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it
> >appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
> >Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and
> >insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful
> >day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?"
> >
> >
> >
> >"You dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole tent."
> >
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on December 07, 2008, 08:39:09 PM
The  Mustang Ranch and $750 billion bail-out
 
 
Back  in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel  in Nevada for
 tax evasion and, as required by law,  tried to run it.
 
They failed and it closed. Now,  we are trusting the economy of our country
 and 850+  Billion Dollars to a pack of nit-wits who couldn't make  money
 running a whore house and selling  booze.
 
Now if that don't make you nervous, what  does??? 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on December 08, 2008, 05:43:05 AM
Finish this sentence.......As Happy as a .............

(http://gallery.mac.com/philw/100073/ATT01852/web.jpg)



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on December 08, 2008, 10:25:38 AM
Deer Meat
 
                                                       

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat
it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they
begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.

The little girl screams to her brother
'Don't eat it, it's an asshole...
 ;D ;D ;D :D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 08, 2008, 11:46:19 AM


Farm Kid in the Marines

(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)

 

Dear Ma and Pa,

 

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

 

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.  Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

 

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

 

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

 

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

 

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.

 

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once.. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

 

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

 

Your loving daughter,

Alice

 

 

 

 

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: m25operator on December 08, 2008, 01:55:55 PM
Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
     *   *     *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *
 
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
 
 
     *   *   *   *   *     *   *   *   *   *   *
 
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
 
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
 
       *     *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *
 
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.  'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'
 
       *   *   *   *   *   *     *   *   *   *    *
 
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'
 
     *   *   *     *   *   *   *   *   *       *   * 
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 08, 2008, 02:40:25 PM
Perfect gift for men...... ;D

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on December 08, 2008, 04:59:49 PM
Does it come with bandages, or is that how you lost the leg Peg?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 08, 2008, 05:23:28 PM
Does it come with bandages, or is that how you lost the leg Peg?

She's mean...but not that mean.     ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on December 08, 2008, 07:34:02 PM
A Louisiana businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied.
He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except the Voodoo Penis!'
The husband said 'The what?'
The man repeated 'The Voodoo Penis.'
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Voodoo Penis, door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. 'Voodoo Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband immediately bought it. He took it home to his wife, and after the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said 'Voodoo Penis, my crotch.'
The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck.
Her husband had neglected to tell her how to send it back to its box!
So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said 'I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got a Voodoo Penis stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 08, 2008, 07:38:41 PM
Obama's first decision.  :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: bjc1369 on December 09, 2008, 12:27:16 AM
Mr. Jones is a developer and wants to build a new office building.  He meets with a French architect and hires him to do the design.  “I will design for you the most beautiful building,” says the architect. “It will make the Mona Lisa look pale in comparison.”

Next he meets with a German engineer and hires him.  “I will build your new building with the greatest of care,” says the engineer.  “I only hire the best workers and use the best equipment.  It will be as strong as a Tiger tank.”

Mr. Jones is pleased with his choices but knowing money will be tight on the project, he hires a young man from China who is a recent graduate from the local business college to take care of supplies.  “No you worry,” the young man says, “I do number one job with supplies.”

Mr. Jones goes to the building site to see how things are going.  The architect shows his blueprints and Mr. Jones agrees the plans are spectacular.

The engineer introduces his crew of very dedicated and qualified steel workers.  They put on a short demonstration.  Mr. Jones knows they are truly the best crew and operate the finest equipment.

As Mr. Jones walks around the building site, he comes near a stack of boxes several feet high.  All of a sudden, the top of one of the boxes pops opens and the young Chinese business college graduate jumps out wearing a gorilla costume and yells: “Supplies!!!!!”
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on December 09, 2008, 09:32:25 AM
Sheeple rehersal for January 20th


(http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e330/m58/cid_000c01c959a02c5a61d0ac3ada0cDah.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 09, 2008, 10:33:33 AM
DO YOU FART IN BED?
IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME  KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU.   

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.
THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE.

THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

SO EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. 
HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. 
SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.


THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. 

THEN ONE CHRISTMAS MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.

SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.

SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOTSTEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM.

THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! 
AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.

ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE.

SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT THE MATTER WAS.

HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'.

'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.

'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED. BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN! !!!!!'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on December 09, 2008, 10:35:10 AM
Sheeple rehersal for January 20th


(http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e330/m58/cid_000c01c959a02c5a61d0ac3ada0cDah.jpg)


Thats who will be there, a bunch of asses ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: bjc1369 on December 09, 2008, 11:50:18 AM
DO YOU FART IN BED?
IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME  KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU.   



Pray for me Peg; I did not cry, I did not laugh.  That's because I have been trained by the CIA (BTW, you did not hear that from me) not to laugh.  I once watched a hundred hours of the 3 Stooges and every time I laughed, chuckled, or even cracked a smile, someone would poke me in the balls with a cattle prod.

Is your story funny?  Yes.  But I did not laugh!

Col. Flagg, US Army
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 09, 2008, 03:12:35 PM
Pray for me Peg; I did not cry, I did not laugh.  That's because I have been trained by the CIA (BTW, you did not hear that from me) not to laugh.  I once watched a hundred hours of the 3 Stooges and every time I laughed, chuckled, or even cracked a smile, someone would poke me in the balls with a cattle prod.

Is your story funny?  Yes.  But I did not laugh!

Col. Flagg, US Army

Your statement, sir, is electrifying.       ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 09, 2008, 05:25:58 PM
Pray for me Peg; I did not cry, I did not laugh.  That's because I have been trained by the CIA (BTW, you did not hear that from me) not to laugh.  I once watched a hundred hours of the 3 Stooges and every time I laughed, chuckled, or even cracked a smile, someone would poke me in the balls with a cattle prod.

Is your story funny?  Yes.  But I did not laugh!

Col. Flagg, US Army

That reminds me of the many ways dear old dad used to torture us boys.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on December 09, 2008, 07:52:18 PM
Did you know the Rudolph the red nosed raindeer has a twin...Randolph the Brown nosed raindeer.  He can run as fast but he can't stop as quick!!!!!

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 10, 2008, 01:36:48 AM
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

 

 

 

 

Leroy, The Redneck Reindeer

Well, you've all heard about Rudolph and his nose,
But I'll tell you a Christmas tale that never has been told.
Well, you may think you've heard it all but you ain't heard yet.
About that crazy Christmas that the North pole can't forget.

Rudolph was under the weather, he had to call in sick.
So he got on the horn to his cousin Leroy, who lived out in the sticks.
He said: "Santa's really counting on me and I hate to pass the buck."
Leroy said "Hey I'm on my way," and he jumped in his pick-up truck.

When Leroy got to the North Pole all the reindeer snickered and laughed.
They'd never seen a deer in overalls and a John Deere Tractor hat.
But Santa stepped in and said: "Just calm down cause we've all got a job to do.
"And like it or not, Leroy's in charge, and he's gonna be leading you."

And it was Leroy, the red neck reindeer,
Hooked to the front of the sleigh.
Delivering toys to all the good ole boys and girls along the way.
He's just a down home party animal, two-stepping across the sky.
He mixed jingle bells with a rebel yell, and made history that night.

Before that night was over, Leroy had changed their tune.
He had them scootin' a hoof on every single roof, by the light of a neon moon.
Santa wrapped his bag with a Dixie flag, he was having the time of his life.
And you can hear him call Merry Christmas y'all, and to all of y'all a good night.

And it was Leroy, the red neck reindeer,
Hooked to the front of the sleigh.
Delivering toys to all the good ole boys and girls along the way.
He's just a down home party animal, two-stepping across the sky.
He mixed jingle bells with a rebel yell, and made history that night.

He mixed jingle bells with a rebel yell, and made history that night.

*****************

Merry Christmas You all
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 10, 2008, 02:30:22 PM
That reminds me of the many ways dear old dad used to torture us boys.

You DO look tortured.     ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 10, 2008, 04:09:53 PM
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning....Uphill... barefoot...BOTH ways..Yadda, yadda, yadda.

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of Thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my Childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today Don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and
Look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write Somebody a letter, with a pen!

Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3' s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you Were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, Your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you Just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video Games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games
Like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You Actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or Screens, it was just one screen Forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting Harder and harder and Faster and faster until you di ed! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was On!

You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off Your ass and walk over to the TV to change the Channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons On Saturday Morning. Do you Hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK For cartoons, you spoiled Little rat-bastards!

And only rich people had microwaves, if we wanted to heat Something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!

That's exactly what I'm talking about!
You kids Today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled.
You guys wouldn't have lasted Five minutes back in 1980!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on December 10, 2008, 04:33:28 PM
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, 'Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.' 

 

 

She said,  'You have the biggest dick of all your friends.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on December 10, 2008, 05:13:10 PM
     The rest of the world cannot understand how after bitter election campaigns, American politicians can return to reality. For instance, Sarah Palin has invited to her great state of Alaska the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden.
 
      She has provided a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and has hired two other prominent men to assist them.  Dick Cheney will instruct them in safe gun handling and Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins in the evening.
 
      What a gal!  That Sarah is such a good sport and thinks of everything.
  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 11, 2008, 01:45:44 AM
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning....Uphill... barefoot...BOTH ways..Yadda, yadda, yadda.

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of Thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my Childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today Don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and
Look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write Somebody a letter, with a pen!

Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3' s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you Were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, Your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you Just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video Games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games
Like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You Actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or Screens, it was just one screen Forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting Harder and harder and Faster and faster until you di ed! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was On!

You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off Your ass and walk over to the TV to change the Channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons On Saturday Morning. Do you Hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK For cartoons, you spoiled Little rat-bastards!

And only rich people had microwaves, if we wanted to heat Something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!

That's exactly what I'm talking about!
You kids Today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled.
You guys wouldn't have lasted Five minutes back in 1980!



Remember the "Amana Radar Range" ? First color TV I watched was Christmas time, 1969, guy up the street worked for the Railroad and stole one from a freight car, another freight car was full of electric knives, guess what everyone in the neighbor hood got for Christmas  ;D My Dad hated it, said he might as well use a hedge trimmer, judging by the turkey that year he was right ;D  all the kids at school would talk about the episode of the Monkee's or Partridge Family the next day because we all got the same 3 channels.

By the way, when I walked to school it really WAS uphill both ways, but only half way  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on December 11, 2008, 04:38:16 AM
The best ‘Little Johnny’ in a while... You can't beat a Johnny...
 
Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.
 
'Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off' said the teacher.
 
'Who is credited with writing the phrase 'To be or not to be, That is the question,' asked the teacher.
Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, 'Shakespeare'.
'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off.
'No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard,' said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.
'Well okay,' said the teacher.
 
The next quote is, 'I had a dream!
' Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out 'I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!'
'Well done!' said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off' 'No thanka you miss. I am of
Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too,'  said little Fri Sum Kat. 'Okay,' said the teacher.
 
Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, 'F#^*ing > Asians!'
'Who said that?' yelled the teacher in an angry tone.
'Pauline Hanson!' yelled little Johnny.  'See ya Tuesday!!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on December 11, 2008, 04:38:59 AM
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women
Have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns
To tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,

'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he
Talks, the dumber he gets.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on December 11, 2008, 04:39:50 AM
President Bush decides to leave the White House and go out to sit in a local bar.  A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?'
The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?'

Bush says, 'I'm planning WW III. '
The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.

The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits?

 

Why kill a blonde with big tits?'

Bush turns to the bartender and says ,

'See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims!



Aint that the truth...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on December 11, 2008, 04:44:27 AM
The Man Rules 
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down   

  Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear ' the rules '
From the female side. 

Now here are the rules from the male side.   


These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE! 

1..   Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem ONLY if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the OTHER ONE!

 

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did  NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...REALLY!!!

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Shooting, Hunting football, cricket or motor sports


1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.   Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - 

 to give them a bigger laugh.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on December 11, 2008, 10:01:44 AM
PERFECT! ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on December 11, 2008, 12:17:18 PM
My wife will never go for any of those!

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: bjc1369 on December 11, 2008, 01:03:46 PM

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Shooting, Hunting football, cricket or motor sports

Cricket??? Why would a woman possibly want to talk about noisy insects???
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: shooter32 on December 11, 2008, 01:55:35 PM
Phil, your on a roll mate ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 11, 2008, 03:38:44 PM
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long robe.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Rinse off.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone who did not laugh at the truth behind this,There is something SO very wrong with you.

Have a great day..... and woo woo!!!  :o

 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: shooter32 on December 11, 2008, 03:45:09 PM
PegLeg, you are killing me. lol
heard that one before and how true is it ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on December 11, 2008, 04:46:11 PM
Cricket??? Why would a woman possibly want to talk about noisy insects???

it is our  Australian National Sport
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on December 11, 2008, 04:56:53 PM
The squirrel and the grasshopper


> >>>> REST OF THE WORLD VERSION*
> >>>>
> >>>> The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
> >>>> building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the
> >>>> winter.
> >>>>
> >>>> The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays
> >>>> the summer away.
> >>>>
> >>>> Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering
> >>>> grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
> >>>>
> >>>> THE END*
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> THE AUSTRALIAN VERSION*
> >>>>
> >>>> The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
> >>>> building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
> >>>>
> >>>> The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays
> >>>> the summer away.
> >>>>
> >>>> Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
> >>>>
> >>>> A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press
> >>>> conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to
> >>>> be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the
> >>>> grasshopper, are cold and starving.
> >>>>
> >>>> The ABC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering
> >>>> grasshopper with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable
> >>>> warm home with a table laden with food.
> >>>>
> >>>> The Australian press informs people that they should be ashamed that
> >>>> in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to
> >>>> suffer so while others have plenty.
> >>>>
> >>>> The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper
> >>>> Housing Commission of Australia demonstrate in front of the
> >>>> squirrel's house.
> >>>>
> >>>> The ABC, interrupting a cultural festival special from St Kilda with
> >>>> breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing 'We Shall
> >>>> Overcome'.
> >>>>
> >>>> Bill Shorten rants in an interview with Laurie Oakes that the
> >>>> squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an
> >>>> immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his 'fair share'
> >>>> and increases the charge for squirrels to enter Melbourne city centre.
> >>>>
> >>>> In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the
> >>>> Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act,
> >>>> retrospective to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes
> >>>> are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire
> >>>> grasshoppers as builders, for the work he was doing on his home, and
> >>>> an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the
> >>>> grasshopper did not want to work.
> >>>>
> >>>> The grasshopper is provided with a Housing Commission house,
> >>>> financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to
> >>>> ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and
> >>>> redistributed to the more needy members of society - in this case the
> >>>> grasshopper.
> >>>>
> >>>> Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly
> >>>> imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start
> >>>> building a new home.
> >>>>
> >>>> The local authority takes over his old home and uses it as a
> >>>> temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to
> >>>> get to Australia as they had to share their country of origin with
> >>>> mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of
> >>>> Australians' apparent love of dogs.
> >>>>
> >>>> The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking
> >>>> and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the
> >>>> police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.
> >>>>
> >>>> Initial moves to make then return them to their own country were
> >>>> abandoned because it was feared they would face death at the hands of
> >>>> the mice.
> >>>>
> >>>> The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit
> >>>> cards.
> >>>>
> >>>> A 60 Minutes special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of
> >>>> the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the
> >>>> Housing Commission house he is in, crumbles around him because he
> >>>> hasn't bothered to maintain it. He is shown to be taking drugs.
> >>>>
> >>>> Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug
> >>>> 'Illness'.
> >>>>
> >>>> The cats seek recompense in the Australian courts for their treatment
> >>>> since arrival in Australia .
> >>>>
> >>>> The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a
> >>>> burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but
> >>>> released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks.
> >>>> He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and
> >>>> supervise him.
> >>>>
> >>>> Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.
> >>>>
> >>>> A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost $10 million and
> >>>> state the obvious, is set up.
> >>>>
> >>>> Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for
> >>>> grasshoppers.
> >>>>
> >>>> Legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased.
> >>>>
> >>>> The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching
> >>>> Australia's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the
> >>>> government for failing to befriend the cats.
> >>>>
> >>>> The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose.
> >>>>
> >>>> The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of
> >>>> government to address the root causes of despair arising from social
> >>>> inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.
> >>>>
> >>>> They call for the resignation of a minister.
> >>>>
> >>>> The cats are paid $1 million each because their rights were infringed
> >>>> when the government failed to inform them there were mice
> >>>> in Australia .
> >>>>
> >>>> The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing,
> >>>> the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on
> >>>> their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay
> >>>> for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work
> >>>> beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
> >>>>
> >>>> THE END*
> >>>> --
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: bjc1369 on December 11, 2008, 05:10:16 PM
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
If there is anyone who did not laugh at the truth behind this,There is something SO very wrong with you.

Have a great day..... and woo woo!!!  :o

 8)


Did not laugh.

Col. Flagg, US Army
I'm with the CIA, but I tell people I'm with the CIC, so they think I'm with the CID.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 11, 2008, 06:34:21 PM
it is our  Australian National Sport


Is a cricket bat easier to get than a gun? One of those could get you out of a "sticky wicket".
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on December 11, 2008, 06:42:02 PM
Is a cricket bat easier to get than a gun? One of those could get you out of a "sticky wicket".


lol at the moment it is..........  don't give them any ideas though  haha
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on December 11, 2008, 07:48:20 PM
For those with No children-this is totally hysterical! For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children this age, this is not funny For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas: Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story: One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,"..And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy crap! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Fatman on December 11, 2008, 10:36:35 PM

25. 60%100% of men who read this on the DownRange .tv forum will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid


Fixed it for accuracy.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 11, 2008, 11:35:02 PM
Whatever you do DON'T mix Clorox and sodium bisufate. I did that once. The deadly cloud of chlorine gas takes awhile to dissapate.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 12, 2008, 02:06:22 AM
Fixed it for accuracy.



99.9 % I read this at 3am and all the stores are closed so I can't get the ingredients  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on December 12, 2008, 11:50:31 AM
This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.

Christmas With Louise

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. 

Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-i! n-law wa s in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. 

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her into dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: m25operator on December 12, 2008, 01:07:06 PM
Through the eyes of a child:
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was
nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,
'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked,
but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been
invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad
apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.
Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of  Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice,bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first
Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a
giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise,but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in  Bethlehem in a barn.

(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like
the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even
preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.  He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.





Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on December 12, 2008, 03:54:48 PM
Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.  One day they were seen pounding a sign into the ground that said:
 
"DA END ISS NEAR! TURN YERSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!"
 
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'Leave us alone, you religious nuts!'  Then from the curve they heard the  sound of screeching tires and a big splash.
 
 Rev. Ole turned to Pastor Sven and asked, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say 'Bridge Out'?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 12, 2008, 09:45:52 PM
A man returns from holiday with a severe case of sunburn, so he promptly goes to see his doctor.

After the examination the doctor prescribes chamomile lotion and a course of Viagra.

Looking a little confused the man says "I can understand you prescribing the chamomile lotion, but why the Viagra?"

The doctor says "The Viagra is to keep your bed sheets off you at night"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 12, 2008, 09:47:49 PM
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious,potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.  This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).  If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!!  This virus will wipe out your private life entirely.  If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).  Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on December 14, 2008, 03:59:59 PM
    Who is your real friend?

    This really works...!

     

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment:

 

Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on December 14, 2008, 04:02:40 PM
Subject: New Training
>
>The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob because
>he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay
>with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
>
>The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning
>with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
>
>They said, 'Man, what happened to you?'
>
>He said, 'Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all
>night.'
>
>The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing
>- hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
>
>They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'
>
>He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him
>all night .'
>
>The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big burly ex-Navy man; a
>real man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and
>bushy-tailed.
>
>'Good morning,' he said.
>
>They couldn't believe it! They said, 'Man, what happened?'
>
>He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked B ob into bed,
>patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.
>
>Bob sat up and watched me all night.
> ;D ;D ;D ;D
Sounds very Navy to me. ;) :D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on December 14, 2008, 11:55:00 PM
Keeerrrrrr-shhhhmmmmmaaaakkkkk!

 

 

 

 

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT”.

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.


However, instead I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:


Dear Sir:


#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.


#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.


#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management. So, please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

 
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on December 14, 2008, 11:59:30 PM
Divorced Barbie
           

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly
remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop
and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in
the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, sir? We have: 

Work Out Barbie for $19.95

Shopping Barbie for $19.95

Beach Barbie for $19.95

Disco Barbie for 19.95

Ballerina Barbie for $19.95

Astronaut Barbie for $19.95

Skater Barbie for $19.95 and
Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
           
The amazed father asks: 'It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95
and the others only $19.95?'


The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir.

Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's
Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a cute
little key chain made with Ken's testicles.'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on December 15, 2008, 07:42:10 AM
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye......It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought......

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a
small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who ask s, 'What may we do for
you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a
closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway...'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on December 15, 2008, 07:51:31 AM
Your Gay.......


1. If you are over 30 and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys. Rather you've been sucking-OFF the boys and spend the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and following the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you're a flaaaaming fag. A cat is like a dog, but gay: it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here!" Now think about how you call a cat... "Bon-bon, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you are the poster boy for GAY.

3. If you suck on lollipops, ring-pops, baby-pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a gaylord. A straight man only sucks barbecue ribs, crab-claws, raw oysters, cray-fish guts, pickled pigs feet, or titties. Anything else and you are in training to suck El-Dicko and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you're clearly in a deep homosexual relationship. The world is a man's bathroom; he pisses and shits when and where ever he pleases.

5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop-chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black (or with thick, wholesome full cream milk) and full aroma. A true pussy-eating man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf cinnamon latte with skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a dick there too.

6. If you know more than six names of colours or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your bung. A real man doesn't have space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in AFL, Aussie cricket squad and V8 Supercar drivers. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fresier" is, you love the cock.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it... you're hungry for meat-popsicle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at retarded drivers or to cut the motherfuckers off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat his hamburger, hold his beer, finger the hot bitch in the passenger seat (whoever she happens to be), or talk on the mobile.

8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films – mon frere, vous sonnez le gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those poonce films is when it contains explicit female nudity OR will absolutely guarantee sex. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they flame out too quickly.

9. If the first website you check when you get online isn't australianhunting.net then face facts – copping a big sticky facial from your boyfriend remains your favourite pastime. What's more if you've never emailed Mick a big pig piccy then it's probably because you were busy at the gay bath house.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on December 15, 2008, 07:53:56 AM
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.

She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?'.
She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'.
She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. 'Do you have vagina' 'Yes' she says.

The man replies 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone, and start using yours!'.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on December 15, 2008, 07:55:49 AM
Bubba Jones came home from school one day, and as usual he was greeted by his mamma who was sitting on the back porch of their south Louisiana home drinking lemonade after a hard day pickin' cotton in the fields.
"Mamma", said Bubba, "they says that I got me the biggest penis in the whole of the third grade! Is that cuz I'm black?"
"No boy", said Mamma,
...."it's cuz your 28 years old and retarded"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on December 15, 2008, 07:57:08 AM
Have you noticed that if you rearrange the words 'illegal immigrants' and add a few more letters, it spells out: 'F*ck off and go home you hairy faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, benefit grabbing, goat f*cking, smelly rag-head bastards?'
 
How weird is that??
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on December 15, 2008, 08:01:28 AM
Forensic Detective !

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=_zVQ8WcuQh0

hahahahaha
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Fatman on December 15, 2008, 08:39:02 AM
A man walks into Chinese Natural Medicine office and asks to see the doctor. He fills out a form with his personal information and a description of his problem. A short time later , he is shown to an examination room where the doctor is looking over his paperwork.

"Ah, hello," says the doctor, "it say here your member is extremely discolored in an odd pattern, lumpy and causes much pain to you. Please to show."

After examining the poor fellow and much "ah, aha, mmm"ing, the doctor asks the man, "Why  you here?"

"What do you mean, why am I here? Isn't it obvious?", the exasperated man replied and continued, " I've been to 6 American doctors and they all tell me the same thing. They want to amputate!"

The Chinese doctor burst out laughing and slapped his knee. "Western medicine knows nothing of these matters. We Chinese have a long experience with such problems."

"Oh, what a relief!", sighed the patient, "so I don't have to have it amputated?"

"No, no - no need to amputate," said the doctor with a toothy grin, "it fall off by itself."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on December 15, 2008, 12:05:37 PM
Christmas Bird


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfqCFEHlw9I

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on December 15, 2008, 01:44:04 PM
Quote of the day:

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm,
she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If
you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile,
she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.


So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit .
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on December 15, 2008, 02:15:49 PM
I've had to learn that one the hard way!













































Never give a woman your sperm!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on December 15, 2008, 02:18:49 PM
THE  GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN.....
   
Between  18 and 22, a woman is like Africa; half  discovered,
Half  wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30,  a woman is like Europe; well  developed and open  to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31  and 35, a woman is  like Spain; very  hot, relaxed, and  convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman  is like Greece; gently  aging but still a  warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a  woman is  like Great  Britain;  with a
Glorious  and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is  like Israel; has  been through war  and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between  61 and 70, a woman is  like Canada;  self-preserving, but open to meeting new  people.

After 70, she  becomes Tibet; wildly  beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of  the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and  a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.


THE  GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN....

Between  1 and 70, a man is  like Iran;  ruled by nuts.
 :) ;) :D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 15, 2008, 03:31:37 PM
You'll get the 'joke' if you listen all the way to the end:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUteO5XXrJI

"we got Brack O-bama"

 ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: mudman on December 15, 2008, 08:56:51 PM
 Sad :( :( :(
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 16, 2008, 01:10:53 AM
This year we'll be rich because we got black Obama?  ???
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on December 16, 2008, 01:22:26 PM
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.  They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.  'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm.  I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada 'POOF!  With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.  'POOF!  Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious.  Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country.  Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lites a cigar, smiles and says,

'Fill it with water.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 17, 2008, 03:50:59 AM
Screw The Boss!

After the annual office Christmas party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the President of the company to his face."

"He's an asshole - piss on him!"

"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 17, 2008, 03:35:15 PM
Note sent the next school day with 1st grader... 
 
 
Dear  Ms Davis,
That is not a dance pole on stage in a strip joint! ...I work at Home Depot, ...that's me selling a shovel.
Mrs. Smith 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on December 18, 2008, 02:31:09 PM

              INVOLUNTARY MUSCULAR CONTRACTIONS
               
A professor at the University of Wisconsin was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
               
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
               
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?' 
               
She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.' 
               
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........
              ;D ;D ;D ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 18, 2008, 02:33:53 PM
Bill,
For some reason, my wife thought that one was really funny???




 ;D ;D ;D

 :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on December 18, 2008, 02:46:58 PM
You let your wife read that?  :-[ :-[ :-[ ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 18, 2008, 02:49:40 PM
You let your wife read that?  :-[ :-[ :-[ ;)

Well, what can I say, I'm a hog for punishment.    ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 18, 2008, 08:23:53 PM
OK, Haz.....you'll enjoy this:   ;)

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife call out to me from the kitchen.

'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'

'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower noise and steam, 'Reset it yourself!'

'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'

There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.

It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.

No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.

It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs.

She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome.
Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option.
I know this from experience.
I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.

The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all.

A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury.
I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'

If they only knew!



Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Fatman on December 18, 2008, 08:36:19 PM

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

 

Same reason they stretch when they get up in the morning - they don't have balls to scratch.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cooptire on December 18, 2008, 11:17:30 PM
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog,
slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to
back out into a torrential down pour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,
and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There,
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?"

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on December 19, 2008, 09:36:03 PM
The Five Rules For Men To Follow To A Happy Life

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

Oh, so damn true!!!   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on December 19, 2008, 11:16:52 PM
CAN'T SEND A WOMAN TO THE HARDWARE STORE
Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Bev to the hardware store. At the store, Bev saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Bev asked "How much for that faucet?" Walt replied, "That's pewter and it costs $300."

"My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Bev exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Walt yelled, "Bev, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Bev replied, "No, but I will for the faucet."

This is why you can't send a woman to the hardware store.

---------------------------


I need to open a hardware store.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on December 20, 2008, 01:14:36 PM
THE  PATRIOT  MICROCHIP ...
is specifically designed to be implanted in the forehead of Islamic terrorists.

When properly installed it will allow the implantee to speak to God.

It comes in various styles and sizes:


(http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e330/m58/SpeerBulletLineCartons.jpg)

The exact size and style of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly-skilled technician.
The implant may or may not be painless.
Side effects, like headaches and nausea, are temporary.
Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site.

Please enjoy the security we provide for you.
Best regards,

MARINES
The Few, The Proud.


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on December 20, 2008, 05:08:05 PM
THE  PATRIOT  MICROCHIP ...
is specifically designed to be implanted in the forehead of Islamic terrorists.

When properly installed it will allow the implantee to speak to God.

It comes in various styles and sizes:


(http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e330/m58/SpeerBulletLineCartons.jpg)

The exact size and style of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly-skilled technician.
The implant may or may not be painless.
Side effects, like headaches and nausea, are temporary.
Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site.

Please enjoy the security we provide for you.
Best regards,

MARINES
The Few, The Proud.



hahaha
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on December 20, 2008, 05:11:07 PM
Print this Pic off for anyone that needs to HTFU


(http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3088/3119657044_c58db40b17_o.jpg)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on December 20, 2008, 05:14:28 PM
One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee
were sitting by the side of the ocean.

It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, how about
playing Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it's
the perfect time," Huan Cho begged.

"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."

Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."....

Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and both sang....

"Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,
Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,
Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,  and a happy New Year."

TO YOU ALL AND YOUR FAMILY, HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT ONE! (And all those with dirty minds - shame on you!)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on December 20, 2008, 06:48:59 PM

NICKNAMES

· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.


EATING OUT

· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


MONEY

· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


BATHROOMS

· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


ARGUMENTS

· A woman has the last word in any argument.

· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


FUTURE

· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


SUCCESS

· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


MARRIAGE

· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.


DRESSING UP

· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


NATURAL

· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


OFFSPRING

· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

 A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 20, 2008, 10:57:07 PM
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline...


Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.


They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 20, 2008, 11:05:06 PM
Sexy Migraines!


A patient says to his doctor, "Hey, Doc! I've been getting these migraines for a long time now! I can't think straight! I need help!"

The doctor says to his patient, "You know what?, I used to have the same problem, and whenever I get migraines, I go home to my wife. She cooks me my favorite meal, rubs my toes, kisses my nipples and well (smiles sheepishly), you know what happens next!"

The next day the patient says, "Hey doc! Thanks for your advice. It worked!"

The doctor says, "Oh really? That's good to hear!"

"Oh by the way," his patient says, "You've got a great house!"   
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 21, 2008, 11:52:15 AM
What's the difference between a dead lawyer in the road and a dead skunk in the road?

There's skid marks leading up to the skunk.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on December 21, 2008, 12:17:00 PM
Why can a lawyer go swimming in shark infested waters with no fear of attack?

Professional courtesy!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 21, 2008, 12:33:51 PM
What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

One's a 'scum-sucking bottom-feeder' and the other one's a fish.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on December 21, 2008, 12:48:29 PM
What are 300 lawyers chained to the bottom of Lake Michigan.




















Just a start.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on December 21, 2008, 06:52:51 PM
Q:  Why do lawyers wear neckties?

A:  To keep the foreskin from rolling up over their heads.



Q:  When you find 6 lawyers buried up to their necks in cement, what time is it?

A:  Time for more cement.



Q:  What do lawyers use for birth control?

A:  Their personalities.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on December 21, 2008, 07:07:47 PM
Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
        A: Skeet.

   A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he saw walking down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he swerved to hit him and there would be a loud "THUMP". Then he would swerve back on the road.
        One day, as the truck driver was driving along the road he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good deed and pulled the truck over.
        "Where are you going, Father?" The truck driver asked.
        "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
        "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road.
        Instinctively he swerved to hit him. At the last moment he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so he swerved back to the road and narrowly missed the lawyer.
        Certain he should've missed the lawyer, the truck driver was very surprised and immediately uneasy when he heard a loud "THUMP". He felt really guilty about his actions and so turned to the priest and said, "I'm really sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
        "That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door."



 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 23, 2008, 01:27:17 AM
My nuts are freezing.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on December 23, 2008, 04:18:14 AM
My nuts are freezing.

Thanks for sharing . . . .
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on December 23, 2008, 07:42:36 AM
My nuts are freezing.



wow  something I did not need to know


I will sit back here with our 32 deg   today


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on December 23, 2008, 07:46:45 AM


wow  something I did not need to know


I will sit back here with our 32 deg   today




0845 and 55 on its way to 75    ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on December 23, 2008, 07:53:17 AM
Heat wave today and it will be a light jacket day ... 0750 and it is 11 on its way to 18!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on December 23, 2008, 08:02:18 AM
ahh crap,


I forgot you guys are Fahrenheit

32 Deg  = 90F  :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on December 23, 2008, 08:06:45 AM
ahh crap,


I forgot you guys are Fahrenheit

32 Deg  = 90F  :)

I was confused (should have thought about Celcius!) as I know you're in summer down there.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 23, 2008, 10:16:56 AM
F you, 11 am 11 degrees Farenhiet  :(
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: shooter32 on December 23, 2008, 10:22:35 AM
F you, 11 am 11 degrees Farenhiet  :(

lol. 9:20 am 15 degrees F. and snowing ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on December 23, 2008, 10:52:56 AM
lol. 9:20 am 15 degrees F. and snowing ;D

Colorado doesn't count ... Two days from now your's will all be gone.

We've reached 14 according to the radio, but I just came in from an hour behind the shovel and blower and it don't feel that warm.

Figure I've got about two or three hours on the tractor this evening from the looks of the yard this morning. 

Anyone need any sod?  I learned that it is a lie that we have two feet of frost, and I peeled up about three or four thousand square feet of lawn on Saturday ... oooooops  :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on December 23, 2008, 11:34:50 AM
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmick.    His wife Marsha has long ago given up trying to get him to
change.

One day, John came home about noon and told Marsha that he had gone to a
nearby city and purchased a Robot.   It was no ordinary robot, but it
was in fact a Lie Detector Robot.   He said it had to charge on the wall
socket 4 or 5 hours, and then he would show her how it worked.

At 5:30 that afternoon, Tommy, their 11 year old son, came in from
school, nearly 2 hours late.   Both parents were understandably angry.

'Where have you been?    Why are you 2 hours late getting home?', they
asked.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,'
said Tommy.

The Robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair.

'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after
school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'

'What did you watch?', asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.'

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him
off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I'm sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Swedish Sex Queen.'

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied
to my parents, never tried to see dirty pictures much less dirty movies,
told dirty jokes, nor did I misbehave.'

The robot walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that
not only knocked him out of his chair, but out the back door and half
way across the patio.

When he came back inside, Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in
tears.   'Boy, did you ever ask for that one!   And you can't be too mad
with Tommy.   After all, he's your son!'

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha and slapped the shit outta
her.


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on December 23, 2008, 01:02:31 PM
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmick.    His wife Marsha has long ago given up trying to get him to
change.

One day, John came home about noon and told Marsha that he had gone to a
nearby city and purchased a Robot.   It was no ordinary robot, but it
was in fact a Lie Detector Robot.   He said it had to charge on the wall
socket 4 or 5 hours, and then he would show her how it worked.

At 5:30 that afternoon, Tommy, their 11 year old son, came in from
school, nearly 2 hours late.   Both parents were understandably angry.

'Where have you been?    Why are you 2 hours late getting home?', they
asked.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,'
said Tommy.

The Robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair.

'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after
school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'

'What did you watch?', asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.'

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him
off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I'm sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Swedish Sex Queen.'

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied
to my parents, never tried to see dirty pictures much less dirty movies,
told dirty jokes, nor did I misbehave.'

The robot walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that
not only knocked him out of his chair, but out the back door and half
way across the patio.

When he came back inside, Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in
tears.   'Boy, did you ever ask for that one!   And you can't be too mad
with Tommy.   After all, he's your son!'

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha and slapped the shit outta
her
.





Lucy, you got some splainin to do!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on December 23, 2008, 05:03:44 PM
IF SANTA ANSWERED HIS MAIL HONESTLY...

Dear Senta: I wood like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer

Yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I

send you a frickin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa



Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for Is peace

and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa



Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd  like for my mommy and daddy to get back together.  Please see what you can do? Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in A hurricane.  Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly?  It's time to give up that dream.  Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa

Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum set, a pony, and a tuba. Love, Francis

Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?  I bet you're gay. I'll set you

up with a Barbie doll, which is more your speed. Santa

Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan

Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my Face while riding in the sleigh.  You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. AND TELL YOUR MOM TO STAY UP LATE! Santa

Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year?  Are you busy Making toys? Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas, No.  All the toys are made in Red China nowadays.  I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of Cocktail waitresses while losing money at the crap table.  Hey, you wanted to know. Santa

Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,

like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible?  Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa

Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year.  Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE, could I have one? Timmy

Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that Crap doesn't work with me.  You're getting a sweater again. Santa

Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky

Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're always getting your ass whipped at school.  Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex.  Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams, Santa








This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 23, 2008, 05:13:43 PM
ahh crap,


I forgot you guys are Fahrenheit

32 Deg  = 90F  :)

I picked up on that right away. 32*F is 0*C and I know it's not freezing in summer.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on December 23, 2008, 05:24:21 PM
Christmas Song,

Down load here (http://idisk.mac.com/philw-Public?view=web)

hehe
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 23, 2008, 05:27:11 PM
Christmas Song,

Down load here (http://idisk.mac.com/philw-Public?view=web)

hehe


I saw mommy ***ing Santa Claus.  :o  ;D
Title: Sounds like my Papa
Post by: santahog on December 25, 2008, 12:55:03 AM
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'   

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.   

But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 26, 2008, 09:48:52 PM
    The wife came home early and found her husband in their
bedroom making  love  to a very attractive young woman and was
somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do
this to me --  a faithful wife, the mother of your children ! I'm leaving
you. I want a divorce straight away !' And the husband replied 'Hang on just
a minute love, so at least I can  tell you what happened.'

'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, ' but they'll be the last words you'll say  to
me!! And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive
home and this young lady here  asked me for a lift. She looked so down and
out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.  I
noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She  told
me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her
home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you
wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing
devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was
doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw
them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that
you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too
tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present,
which you  don't use because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use
just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the
expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the
same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my
understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with
tears in her eyes and said,  'Please do you have anything else that your
wife doesn't use?'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 26, 2008, 09:52:37 PM
IF YOU SEE A FAT MAN...

Who's jolly and cute,

Wearing a beard and

a red flannel suit,

And if he is chuckling

and laughing away,

While flying around

in a miniature sleigh,

With eight tiny reindeer

to pull him along, 

Then let's face it...

Your eggnog's too strong! 


Merry Christmas and a Happy 2OO9.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on December 27, 2008, 08:35:34 AM
A man is trapped in his house during a flood
Someone comes along with a 4 wheel drive pulls up to save him, He replies "no thank you, GOD will save me"

The water gets higher and a boat comes along to save him, But again he replies "no thank you, GOD will save me"

The water keeps rising until he is on the roof and a helicopter drops a ladder to him. But again he replies "no thank you, GOD will save me"

The man drowns. When he gets to Heaven he asks GOD "Why did you not save me?
GOD answers "I sent a truck, a boat, and a helicopter!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 28, 2008, 04:44:37 PM
The kid has good taste.   :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on December 30, 2008, 07:14:42 AM
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
 
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: shooter32 on December 30, 2008, 07:28:10 AM
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
 
 
I'm glad they do ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on December 30, 2008, 02:12:37 PM
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched
the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then t he numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son.....'Go get your mother.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on December 30, 2008, 05:46:49 PM
What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The location of the dirtbag.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on December 30, 2008, 10:57:06 PM
Sex In The Shower?


In a recent survey carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut', people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, 86% of Detroit's inner city residents (almost all of whom are registered Democrats) said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 30, 2008, 11:40:35 PM
As someone who's actually shared a shower in prison, against my will, I don't think that's as funny as most people do.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on December 31, 2008, 09:33:17 AM
I would just note that sex in the shower could be defined as good clean fun.  ;D ;D ;D ;D :D ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on December 31, 2008, 12:09:28 PM
I believe "soap on a rope" was invented just for that reason.

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on December 31, 2008, 12:44:44 PM
The following would be MUCH funnier if I weren't living it this winter!!


Diary of a Snow Shoveler


December 8:  6:00 PM.  It started to snow.  The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.  It looked like a Grandma Moses Print.  So romantic we felt like newlyweds again.  I love snow!

December 9:  We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape.  What a fantastic sight!  Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World?  Moving here was the best idea I've ever had.  Shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again.  I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.  What a perfect life.

December 12:  The sun has melted all our lovely snow.  Such a disappointment.  My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas.  No snow on Christmas would be awful!  Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible.  Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14:  Snow, lovely snow!  8" last night.  The temperature dropped to -20.  The cold makes everything sparkle so.  The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks.  This is the life!  The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.  I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15:  20 inches forecast.  Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels.  Stocked the freezer.  The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.  I think that's silly.  We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16:  Ice storm this morning.  Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt.  Hurt like hell.  The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17:  Still way below freezing.  Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours.  I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.  Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right.  I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20:  Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night.  More shoveling.  Took all day.  Damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey.  I think they're lying.  Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're out.  Might have another shipment in March.  I think they're lying.  Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me.  I think he's lying.

December 22:  Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til August.  Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to piss.  By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel!  Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy.  I think the asshole is lying.

December 23:  Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0".  The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.  What, is she nuts!!!  Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?  She says she did, but I think she's lying.

December 24:  6".  Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack.  If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel.  I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a
100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been!  Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the Goddamn snowplow.

December 25:  Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas.  20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight.  Snowed in.  The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil.  God, I hate the snow!  Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.  The wife says I have

a bad attitude.  I think she's a fricking idiot.  If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26:  Still snowed in.  Why the hell did I ever move here?  It was all HER idea.  She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27:  Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze.  Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28:  Warmed up to above -50.  Still snowed in.  The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29:  10 more inches.  Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.  That's the silliest thing I ever heard.  How dumb does he think I am?

December 30:  Roof caved in.  I beat up the snow plow driver.  He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass.  The wife went home to her mother.  Another 9" predicted.

December 31:  I set fire to what's left of the house.  No more shoveling.

January 8:  Feel so good.  I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.  Why am I tied to the bed?

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 31, 2008, 04:42:39 PM
As someone who's actually shared a shower in prison, against my will, I don't think that's as funny as most people do.

Lawnmower guy was you, wasn't it?      ;D

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 01, 2009, 03:00:36 AM
Lawnmower guy was you, wasn't it?      ;D




No. I got in trouble when I was in the army. They didn't like my driving.  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 01, 2009, 12:51:55 PM

No. I got in trouble when I was in the army. They didn't like my driving.  ;)


Well then you should have stayed off the sidewalk.. LOL
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 01, 2009, 01:13:45 PM
Yeah, the colonel was POed at me. And I shouldn't have gone joyriding in one of these. http://www.globalsecurity.org/military/systems/ground/m88-pics.htm
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: someguy on January 01, 2009, 01:40:28 PM
Yeah, the colonel was POed at me. And I shouldn't have gone joyriding in one of these. http://www.globalsecurity.org/military/systems/ground/m88-pics.htm

Probably true, but go big or go home, right?   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 01, 2009, 01:53:15 PM
It was fun for a little while. Then my blood alcohol level dropped slightly below zombie and I realized I screwed up big time.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on January 01, 2009, 03:08:25 PM
Yeah, the colonel was POed at me. And I shouldn't have gone joyriding in one of these. http://www.globalsecurity.org/military/systems/ground/m88-pics.htm

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO - I always wanted to drive one of those. Didn't want the 4 years of FTA that went along with it - or the jungle ambiance that usually went with the M88 either.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 01, 2009, 07:18:10 PM
I was a couple weeks shy of going home for good in 1983. I finally got home in 1985.  :'(  That sucked beyond belief. Breaking big ones into little ones and all that. Not seeing my family for a few years was tough too.  :'(  And it's not a joke.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: m25operator on January 02, 2009, 12:52:34 AM
JF, I reserve judgement as to whether you deserved it or not, but welcome home. ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on January 02, 2009, 05:24:32 PM
I was a couple weeks shy of going home for good in 1983. I finally got home in 1985.  :'(  That sucked beyond belief. Breaking big ones into little ones and all that. Not seeing my family for a few years was tough too.  :'(  And it's not a joke.

The military has never been known for it's sense of humor.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 02, 2009, 07:22:02 PM
Thanks m25operator.

If the army wanted anyone to have a sense of humor they would have issued it to them.  ;D

All my friends and coworkers know all about my past and I feel like I have a new group of friends here, so there you have it. My dirty little secret that's not a secret.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 03, 2009, 10:46:47 PM
OK, Here's a good 'groaner'.......



A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed.

"Damn Bob, I couldn't help but to notice, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.

"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."

"What do you mean?" Jim asked.

"Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night Rubbing it with butter.. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it."

Jim agrees and the two say good bye.

A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was.

Jim replied, "I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!"

"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"

"Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco."




Wait for it .........



Wait ..





"Crisco!!?" Bob exclaimed. "Damm it, Jim, Crisco is shortening!"

 ::)


MORAL: You gotta follow the recipe  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 03, 2009, 11:15:25 PM
The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played
golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END


I just love happy endings. - Frank
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on January 04, 2009, 08:00:22 AM
I like mine better...

Once upon a time, the end!


Richard

PS:  Been there done that twice...didn't learn the first time!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on January 04, 2009, 08:47:57 AM
I saw it coming ... I saw it coming ... I saw it coming ... and what did I do ...


I read the damn punch line anyway  :-\
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 04, 2009, 05:38:07 PM
Newfie Drinking Buddies

 

 

Bud and Jim were a couple of Newfie drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Gander , NFLD. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

 

Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

 

Jim says "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. --- You wanna try it?"

 

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and

 

Get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover!   NO bad side effects.

 

Nothing! Then the phone rings... It's Jim.

 

Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

 

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

 

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

 

Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff no hangover, nothing. We

 

Ought to do this more often."

 

Jim says, "Yeah, well there's just one thing...Have you farted yet?" No..

 

Well, DON'T.   I'm in Thunder Bay "

  ;D ;D ;D :D :D ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 04, 2009, 07:25:27 PM
"LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD"  (retold)

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping through the forest when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

'My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.'

The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
       
'My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf.'

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

'My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.'

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, 'Will you knock it off, I'm trying to take a sh*t!'


 ;D

         
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 05, 2009, 11:07:51 AM
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new  apartment to a couple of his friends. 
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the  drunk replied.   
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his  astonished friend. 
'Yup,' replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied.
He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.     
The three stood looking at one another for a  moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'.

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 05, 2009, 12:56:01 PM
The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played
golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END


I just love happy endings. - Frank

LOVED IT!!! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Some may like this better than others. (http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/chuckle.gif)
 
 
 
A VERY ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face and orders a draft beer.
'What are you so happy about?' asks the barman.
'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man. 'You know, I live by the railroad tracks.
Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the
tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!'

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard, was she pretty?"

"I Dunno" said the ugly man,............"I Never found the head!"

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 05, 2009, 01:03:40 PM
LOVED IT!!! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some may like this better than others. (http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/chuckle.gif)
 
A VERY ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face and orders a draft beer.
'What are you so happy about?' asks the barman.
'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man. 'You know, I live by the railroad tracks.
Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the
tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!'

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard, was she pretty?"

"I Dunno" said the ugly man,............"I Never found the head!"


Aw, damn....that one caught me off guard a little.........but it was funny.  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on January 05, 2009, 04:28:49 PM
I over heard Peg telling this memory the other day ...


A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and sees that there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too.

"Oh no!!" he says, "I think I've been marooned!!"


 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 06, 2009, 12:11:20 AM
 


"I Dunno" said the ugly man,............"I Never found the head!"




LOL
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on January 06, 2009, 09:38:51 AM
Ole and Sven were fishing on the Michigan opener when Sven pulled out a cigar.  Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
 
                               

'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.

'Could I see him?'

Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.
                                     

Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master.  Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
                                                         

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks....flying directly overhead.
                                 
Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole,  'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 06, 2009, 02:02:20 PM

A blonde city girl marries a Colorado rancher.
   One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.  I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
   The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn.    They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'
   The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?'
   'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' Amy explains very confidently.
     Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'
 
    The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :D
 
    ('Chalk up one for the Blonde!' . . It's nice to see a blonde winning one once in awhile.) ;)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 06, 2009, 02:11:07 PM
He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then
carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing
everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it
you're waiting for?'

She answered . . . .
'THE
TEETH.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 07, 2009, 12:17:27 AM
JUST IN!~

Playboy just offered Sarah Palin $1 Million to pose nude in the January issue...

 
Michelle Obama got the same offer from National Geographic...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on January 07, 2009, 06:48:20 AM
The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
     This enables you at 85 years old
     to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
     home at $7000 per month.

      My grandpa started walking
      five miles a day when he was 60.
      Now he's 97 years old
      and we don't know where he is.

      I like long walks,
      especially when they are taken
      by people who annoy me.

      The only reason I would take up walking
      is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

      I have to walk early in the morning,
      before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

      I joined a health club last year,
      spent about 400 bucks.
      Haven't lost a pound.
      Apparently you have to go there.

      Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
      I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

      I do have flabby thighs,
      but fortunately my stomach covers them.

      The advantage of exercising every day
      is so when you die, they'll say,
      'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

      If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
      start with a small country.

      I know I got a lot of exercise
      the last few years,......
      just getting over the hill.

     We all get heavier as we get older,
      because there's a lot more information in our heads.
      That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 07, 2009, 11:36:10 AM
How to Impress a Woman:
compliment her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
listen to her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her.


How to Impress a Man:
show up naked,
bring beer.

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on January 07, 2009, 12:33:26 PM
PegLeg45 you forgot ...Agree with everything she says even if it is wrong!

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 07, 2009, 12:44:44 PM
PegLeg45 you forgot ...Agree with everything she says even if it is wrong!

Richard

You got THAT right.     ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on January 07, 2009, 12:56:33 PM
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,477467,00.html


Quote
LOS ANGELES —  Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flynt has sued two of his nephews for selling their own line of adult movies under the same family name.

Flynt accuses the nephews of producing pornographic films that are "inferior products" and "knockoff goods." Flynt said he filed the lawsuit Monday in U.S. District Court to protect his family name in the industry, the Los Angeles Times reported Wednesday.

"To come into the adult entertainment business and use my name not only confuses people who buy my products, but if they're not maintaining a certain quality, it could also hurt my name," Flynt told the Los Angeles Times on Tuesday.

Jimmy Flynt II and Dustin Flynt worked for their uncle for more than a decade before he fired them about a year ago. The brothers said they are trying to break into the business and have a right to use their family name.

"If I can't use my name to do business, then what kind of society, what kind of world is that?" Dustin Flynt said.

He said his uncle was suing him out of "inferiority issues," and said trademark lawsuits were "a way for big business and rich people to put a muzzle on the little guy."

He said he worked his way up in the business over the years, and said his latest film "surpasses anything Hustler's ever done."

Larry Flynt said he fired his nephews for being unproductive and gave them a severance package of $100,000 that they used to start a competing company. He said he is unimpressed with that company's products and expects he will have to help out his nephews when it fails.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on January 07, 2009, 03:24:33 PM
Letter to send to our banks:



Dear Sirs,
 
 In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me. 

If one of my checks  is returned marked "insufficient funds," how do I know whether that  refers to me or to you?

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on January 07, 2009, 06:00:34 PM
A little girl asked her father: 'How did the human
Race appear?'
The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve;
They had children; and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her mother the same
Question. The mother answered, 'Many years ago
There were monkeys from which the human race
Evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her father and said,
'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human
Race was created by God, and Mom said they developed
From monkeys?'
The father answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family, and your mother
Told you about hers.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on January 08, 2009, 07:30:06 AM
This is a new one to me. if this doesn't bring a smile, I can't help  you.


A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, 'I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.  The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?  'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.   Oh, OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it  for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for Blondie?'


I LOVE THIS ONE......... .She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!

 

 


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on January 08, 2009, 07:31:28 AM
There's no such thing as a new joke, just new audiences
But to recycle this gave me smile

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends home
for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his
buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing
terms such as:

Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years
and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen , the man leaned over
to his host, & said:

  'I think it's wonderful that, after a ll these years, you still call
your wife those loving pet names'.

The old man hung his head.

'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind
about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch what it is?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on January 08, 2009, 07:35:06 AM
A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tall tower stand near Highway 481 in Maverick Co., TX, early one cold December morning.

Suddenly, a huge buck walked out over the corn they had spread in the shrub with a tailgate feeder.

Moving quickly, the hunter carefully aimed the Leopold Scope on his .300 Winchester Magnum at the unsuspecting Buck.

As he was about to squeeze the trigger on this deer of a Lifetime, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing slowly down highway 481.

The hunter pulled away from the gunstock, set the rifle down, took off his hat, bowed his head, and then closed his eyes in prayer.

His friend was stunned. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen you do. You are indeed the kindest man I have ever known, and I feel lucky to call you a friend."

The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for thirty-five years."...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on January 08, 2009, 07:35:39 AM
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?” “Negative, ma’am,” the Sergeant Major said, “Just serious by nature.”
“The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.” The Sergeant Major’s short reply was, “Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.” The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?” The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, “1955.”
She said, “Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.
Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955!” The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, “I hope not, it’s only 21:30 now.”
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 08, 2009, 10:53:11 AM
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he
sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his
clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room
and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the
house.
 
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black
eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he
notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written
in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
 
'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries
to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
 
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son. what
happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of
your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in
the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order
and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time:

 PRICELESS
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 08, 2009, 03:43:29 PM
A Year Of Email!

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poison in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl into my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be nicked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites me.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their email with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now; it's too late.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 08, 2009, 06:41:03 PM
Bran Muffins

The couple were 85 years old and had been
married for sixty years.  Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very
good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and
exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when
they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.  He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.  A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said,
'Welcome to Heaven.  This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.  'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied.  'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man.

This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

That's the best part,' St. Peter replied.
'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will
never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
The old man glared at his wife and said,
'You and your frick'n bran muffins. 
We could have been here ten years ago!'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 08, 2009, 09:32:13 PM
                    Baby Planes

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked,
"If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" The little boy admitted that she did.

"Well, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.
Now, let your mother explain that to you."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 08, 2009, 09:39:11 PM
Winter blond joke

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 08, 2009, 09:49:42 PM
Yesterday I had a flat tire on Interstate 75. So I ease my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers. But to my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic starts backing up.  Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

'What's going on here?'

'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.

'Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?'

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, 'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 08, 2009, 11:22:29 PM
Possible new slogans for Michigan.

The Snow Me state!
It's pronounced Macki-NAW... I don't care if it has a "C."
We're actually north of Canada.
Let's Fish again in Michigan.
The one that looks like a mitten and a rabbit, you moron!
Where used cars from Florida bring top dollar.
No hurricanes here.
The land of 2 seasons: Winter and Construction. ... or ...
The Orange Barrel State...
Stop and see the Giant Man-eating Clam on the trip north.
So close to Canada you can hardly tell the difference.
The last line of defense against Canada.
We know the rules to euchre.
Got fudge?
Two Mystery Spots. No waiting.
Yes, the Porcupines are real mountains.
Soda? We say pop here, buddy.
The Midwestern "M" state without a wrestler as a former governor.
No riots in Detroit since 1967. (Can't say the same about East Lansing though!)
More than just boarded-up auto plants.
Casino fever - catch it.
Home of Kalkaska dirt, our state soil.
Sandy beaches without severe undertow.
Happiness is a warm pasty.
Imagine an island where horse manure still litters the streets.
Water enough for any drought.
Visit Hell, Paradise, and then Climax all in the same day.
Birthplace of Meijer Thrifty Acres.
Where Ontario is a shortcut to New York.
Just a serial killer away from enacting capital punishment.
Gerald R. Ford slept here.
It's called snow. Get used to it.
Where the names of high-toned suburbs needlessly end with "e."
The buck stops here.
Deer processing available here.
Not as flat as Indiana.
Once a swamp unfit for habitation.
Try eating corn flakes without us.
Hardly any annoying lizards or poisonous snakes.
Big on flannel.
It's not the heat. It's the humidity.
Smoked fish sold here.
Good people with camping trailers.
We moved American history to Dearborn.
Uncle Ted rules.
No toll roads and proud of it.
Who you calling a hick?
Our biggest bridge makes yours look puny.
Nearly went to war with Ohio once and will do it again if they pull any funny stuff.
Land of snow machines and bass boats.
!#@%*+$#! mosquitoes.
We know a place where wooden shoes are always in style.
Where lousy teams get new stadiums.
Consider Amway.
Speed limit back up to 70, so move it.
The Red Wings State.
Three out of four seasons very pleasant.
Canadian money accepted.
Yes, it gets even colder than this.
Probably north of wherever you're from.
Mountains?! We don't need no stinkin' mountains!!
The Snowshine State.
You'd never guess Madonna was born here.
Where men are men and deer are dear.
Where troll's live under da Bridge.
Where else can you find Yoopers and Trolls all in one state?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 08, 2009, 11:34:26 PM
State Mottos - Alabama to Wyoming

So the rest of you don't feel left out.  ;D

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity.

Alabama: Like the Third World, but Closer!

Alabama: Keeping it in the Family Since 1819.

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Alaska: Jeez, it's Cold.

Alaska: Yeah, But It's a Dry Cold.

Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat.

Arizona: Soon To Be the Pacific Coast State.

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything.

Arkansas: Attention K-Mart Shoppers!

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.

Colorado: Now 100% John Denver Free!

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet.

Connecticut: The Middle C is silent, Ca**hole.

Delaware: Everything is Smaller Here!

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.

Florida: Get Off of My State, You Kids!

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids.

Florida: So Close, You Can Smell Fidel. 

Florida: More Than Just a Great Place to Die.

Florida: America's Wang.

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism.

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money).

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well Okay, Not Really, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good.

Idaho: You Can Be Da Ho Next.

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S".

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free.

Indiana: Dan Quayle's Favorite Country!

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things with Corn.

Kansas: First of the Rectangle States.

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names.

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, but That's Our Tourism Campaign.

Maine: We're Really Cold, but We Have Cheap Lobster.

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It.

Massachusetts: Our Taxes are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets).

Massachusetts: Now with 30% Fewer Kennedys!

Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians.

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes.

Mississippi: Come and Feel Better About Your Own State.

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work.

Missouri: Loves Company!

Montana: Land Of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else.

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest.

Nebraska: The "N" is for Knowledge.

Nebraska: Land of Two Seasons - Winter and Construction.

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone.

New Hampshire: Just Like Old Hampshire, but Newer.

New Jersey: What Smell? 

New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets.

New Mexico: Cleaner than Regular Mexico.

New York: You Have the Right To Remain Silent, You Have the Right To an Attorney.

North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable.

North Dakota: We Really Are One of the 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan.

Ohio: Where One of Your Dad's Friends Lives.

Ohio: It's Not Just "Hello" in Japanese.

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing.

Oregon: Spotted Owl - It's What's For Dinner.

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal.

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island.

Rhode Island: Small, Yes, But We Know What to Do with It!

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender.

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota.

Tennessee: The Educashun State.

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English).

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus.

Vermont: Yep.

Vermont: Gettin' Busy with New Hampshire since 1791.

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family - Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese.

Wisconsin: Come Smell our Dairy Air.

Wyoming: Where Men are Men (And The Sheep are Scared).
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on January 09, 2009, 02:53:07 AM
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone.

I want that on my license plate !  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on January 09, 2009, 10:29:57 AM
Brokeback Deerhunt


Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
         
The first guy slept with Daryl and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, 'Man, what happened to you?' He said, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'

The next night it was the second guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!' He said, 'Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night.'

The third night was Frank's turn.  Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. 'Good morning,' he said.  The other two couldn't believe it!  He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, 'Man, what happened?'

He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his ass and kissed him good night.  Daryl sat up and watched me all night.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on January 09, 2009, 02:02:12 PM

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true.The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on January 09, 2009, 02:24:02 PM
A couple of corrections to the state mottos post:

Minnesota: land of 10,000 lakes and 3 walleye.
South Dakota: where the men are men and so are the women.
Kansas:  Home of hot looking little blonde-haired country girls.  (Why yes, I AM a shameless suckup)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on January 09, 2009, 02:46:03 PM
A couple of corrections to the state mottos post:

Minnesota: land of 10,000 lakes and 3 walleye.
South Dakota: where the men are men and so are the women.
Kansas:  Home of hot looking little blonde-haired country girls.  (Why yes, I AM a shameless suckup)

Truer words never spoken!



(put me on that list, too ;) )
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 10, 2009, 08:05:52 PM
IRISH BLOND

An attractive blond from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm 'completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

 

 

 
MORAL OF THE STORY

 
Not all Irish are stupid..

 
Not all blonds are dumb,

 
But all men are men.

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 12, 2009, 01:02:04 AM
At the  end of a small, almost deserted bar in New Orleans sat a huge black man He was having a few beers, when a  short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside  him.

 After three or four beers, the gay man got the  courage to say a few words to the big black man. Leaning over  towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow  job?"

 At this, the massive black man leaped up with  fire in his eyes, and smacked the shit out of the gay man,  knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him  all the way out of the bar, leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returned to his seat.

Amazed, the  bartender quickly brought over another beer to the black  man, and said, "I've never seen you react like that before.  What did he say to you?"

"I don't know," the black man  replied. "Something about a job."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: long762range on January 13, 2009, 08:55:46 PM
I TRULY DID NOT KNOW THIS!!!!

LAS VEGAS CHURCHES ACCEPT GAMBLING CHIPS!!!

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 13, 2009, 09:00:26 PM
A man walks into a bar in Louisiana with an alligator under one arm and a stick in his other hand.
As the patrons looked on he sat the gator down on a table, unzipped his fly and placed his 'man-parts' into the gators mouth.
He then began to hit the alligator on the head with the stick.
This went on for a good two minutes.
He then removed 'himself' from the gator's mouth, stepped back, and said, "Anyone else in here man enough to try that?".
A fellow in the back of the bar stood up and said, "I will.....if you promise not to hit me on the head with that stick".


 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 13, 2009, 09:09:44 PM
I may as well post the other chip monk joke...


A monastery in the English countryside has fallen on hard times, and the
monks decide to open a fish-and-chips restaurant.

A visitor comes across two monks working in the monastery kitchen in
preparation for the restaurant's grand opening. The first monk fries the
fish, the second one peels, slices, and fries the potatoes.

"What are you guys doing?" asks the visitor.

"Well," says the monk frying the fish, "I am the friar, and he is the chip
monk."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 13, 2009, 09:22:54 PM
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.  Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-DA-bul'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on January 15, 2009, 04:50:33 AM
How to change a light bulb using an internet forum

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It takes -

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light
bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"

6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb"
is perfectly correct

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation
of their "acceptable use policy"

109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this
discussion to a lightbulb forum

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and
lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs
and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this forum

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this
group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all
headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot
handle the whole light bulb controversy

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start
it all over again
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 15, 2009, 08:12:46 AM
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
   

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.   

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into    a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ' 

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.
   

 
Mess with Seniors and lose !!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on January 15, 2009, 08:30:21 AM
The Silent Fart:

 

 An elderly couple was attending church services .

 

 About halfway through the service, she leaned over and said to her
 Husband, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should
 do?"

 


 He replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid

 

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 15, 2009, 06:19:34 PM
There was a little old lady who was nearly blind, and she had three sons who wanted to prove which one was the best to her.

Son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion, thinking this would surely be the best that any of them could offer her.

Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included, thinking this would surely win her approval.

Son #3 had to do something even better, so he bought her a parrot that he had been training for 15 years to memorize the
entire Bible.  You could ask the parrot any verse in the Bible, and he could quote it word for word.  What a gift that would be.

Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous, but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's too large to clean and take care of.  I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."

Then she confronted her second son with, "Son, the car is beautiful.  It has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and really don't like the chauffeur, so please return the car."

Next, she went to Son #3 and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for your most thoughtful gift. That chicken was delicious."

 :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on January 16, 2009, 01:35:07 AM
A blonde gets a job as a teacher.

She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

 'You can go and play with the other kids you know.'she says.

'It's best I stay here.'he says. '

'Why?' says the blonde.

The boy says: 'Because, I'm the f....k goalie'
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on January 16, 2009, 01:37:35 AM
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be f****d if he needed glasses'.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on January 16, 2009, 06:10:11 AM
Cold Weather behavior:
 
60 above zero:  Floridians turn on the heat. Minnesotans plant gardens.

50 above zero:  Californians shiver uncontrollably. People are sunbathing in Duluth.

40 above zero: Import cars won't start. Minnesotans drive with the sunroof open.

32 above zero:  Distilled water freezes. The water in Bemidji gets thicker.

20 above zero:  New Mexicans don long johns, parkas and wool hats & mittens. Minnesotans throw on a flannel shirt.

15 above zero:  New York landlords finally turn on the heat. People in Minnesota have one last cookout before it gets cold.

Zero:  People in Miami all die. Minnesotans close the windows.

10 below zero: Californians fly away to Mexico. Minnesotans dig their winter coats out of storage.

25 below zero:  Hollywood disintegrates. Girl Scouts in Minnesota still selling cookies door to door.

40 below zero: Washington, D.C. finally runs out of hot air. People in Minnesota let their dogs sleep indoors.

100 below zero:  Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Minnesotans get upset because the Mini-Van won't start.

460 below zero: ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale). People in Minnesota can be heard to say,
"Cold 'nuff fer ya?"

500 below zero:  Hell freezes over. Minnesota public schools open 2 hours late.
 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on January 16, 2009, 10:01:06 AM
Not really funny, it was -14 this morning when I went out to get the paper. :(
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 16, 2009, 11:18:16 AM
Yes, I'd like to thank you for sending your cool breeze down south.
Going to be in single digits temps here in the morning with the wind chill factor.

Now I have to go out and actually wrap up my 3 exposed water spigots.  ;D

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on January 16, 2009, 11:42:35 AM


    These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.
     
    ADULT:
    A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
     

    BEAUTY PARLOR:
    A place where women curl up and dye.


    CANNIBAL:
    Someone who is fed up with people.


    CHICKENS:
    The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.


    COMMITTEE:
    A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.


    DUST:
    Mud with the juice squeezed out.


    EGOTIST:
    Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.


    HANDKERCHIEF:
    Cold Storage.


    INFLATION:
    Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.


    MOSQUITO:
    An insect that makes you like flies better.


    RAISIN:
    Grape with a sunburn.


    SECRET:
    Something you tell to one person at a time.


    SKELETON:
    A bunch of bones with the person scraped off..


    TOOTH ACHE:

    The pain that drives you to extraction.



    TOMORROW:
    One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.


    YAWN:
    An honest opinion openly expressed.
       

    And MY Personal Favorite!!
     

    WRINKLES:
    Something other people have, similar to my character lines.




This was nominated for best joke of the year - worth sharing.

A Russian arrives in  New York City  as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country , giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and

free education!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !'
The person says, 'I not American, I Vietnamese.'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful  America !'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not American!'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an American?'
She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Americans?'
The African lady checks her watch and says....'Probably at work!'

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on January 16, 2009, 08:19:27 PM
Not really funny, it was -14 this morning when I went out to get the paper. :(

Poor baby.

It was -29, -48 wind chill here Thursday morning. And we were one of the warm spots of the state - Minot was colder, -60 wind chills.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 17, 2009, 12:18:24 PM
A duck hunter was out enjoying a
nice morning on the marsh when

he decided to take a leak....



He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a

gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged...shooting

him in the genitals.



Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached

by his doctor.



"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good

news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your

groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to

remove all of the buckshot."



"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.



"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot

damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."



"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your brother a plastic surgeon?"



"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player inthe local symphony and he's going to teach you where to put your
fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on January 18, 2009, 06:04:57 PM
Got this from a friend in Texas ;)

From a Proud Texan!!!!

We Texans love y'all, but we have decided to take action since Obama will soon be president. We'll miss you, too.

Texas has given all those complainers plenty of time to get used to the results. After seeing all the whiners along the campaign route, the folks from Texas are taking matters into our hands.

Here is our solution:

#1: Swear in Barak Hussein Obama President of the United States . (All 49 states.)

#2: George W. Bush comes home and becomes the President of the Republic Of Texas .



So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic?

We are already set!

1. NASA is just south of Houston , Texas . (We will control the space industry.)

2. We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States .

3. Defense Industry. (We have over 65% of it) The term " Don't mess with Texas ," will take on a whole new meaning.

4. Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of Texas will need for the next 300 years. Yankee states?  Sorry about that.

5. Natural Gas - Again we have all we need and it's too bad about those northern states. Obama will figure a way to keep them warm. ...

6. Computer Industry - we currently lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications: Small places like Texas Instruments, Dell Computer, EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola, Intel, AMD, Atmel, Applied Materials, Ball Semiconductor, Dallas Semiconductor, Delphi, Nortel, Alcatel, Etc, Etc. The list goes on and on.

7. Health Centers - We have the largest research centers for Cancer research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world and other large health planning centers.

8. We have enough colleges to keep us going: UT Texas, A&M, Texas Tech, Rice, SMU, University of Houston , Baylor, UNT, Texas Women 's University. Ivy grows better in the south anyway...

9. We have a ready supply of workers. (We can just open the border when we need some more.)

10. We have control of the paper industry, plastics, insurance, etc.

11. In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard and the Texas Air National Guard . We don' t have an army but since every body down here has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an army in 24
hours if we need it. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call Department of Public Safety and ask them to send over a couple Texas Rangers.

12. We are totally self sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs and several types of grain, fruit and vegetables and lets not forget seafood from the gulf. And everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they taste good. Don' t need any food.

This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic Of Texas in good shape. There isn't a thing out there that we need and don't have.

Now to the rest of the United States under President Obama: Since you won't have the refineries to get gas for your cars, you will have to walk or ride bikes.

You won' t have any TV as the space center in Houston will cut off your communications. You won' t have any natural gas to heat your homes but since Al Gore has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas.


Signed,

The People of Texas

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: m25operator on January 18, 2009, 06:23:22 PM
 ;D
 ;)
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 18, 2009, 06:37:14 PM
    Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men  playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around  in agony.

    The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

    'Please allow me to help I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

    'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

    He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position , still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

    She gently took  his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands  inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments  and asked 'How does that feel?'

    He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'


 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on January 18, 2009, 07:12:34 PM
Not really funny, it was -14 this morning when I went out to get the paper. :(

Friday was our third morning in a row of getting up in sub minus twenty mornings.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on January 18, 2009, 08:26:37 PM
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on January 18, 2009, 08:32:40 PM
Friday was our third morning in a row of getting up in sub minus twenty mornings.

Couldn't tell you about the rest of the week, I was only up that early because I could not sleep when I gothome from work at 1:30 am. I usually get up at the crack of noon.  ;D
It snowed today and got all the way up to 15
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on January 19, 2009, 12:35:45 PM
Letter from the Boss,

 As the CFO of this business that employees 140 people,
 I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama will be our next
 President, and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.

 To compensate for these increases, I figure that the Clients
 will have to see an increase in our fees to them of about 8% but since
 we cannot increase our fees right now due to the dismal state of our
 economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees
 instead. This has really been eating at me for a while, as we believe we are
 family here and I didn't know how to choose who will have to go.

 So, this is what I did. I strolled thru our parking lot
 and found 8 Obama bumper stickers on our employees' cars and
 have decided these folks will be the first to be laid off. I
 can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. These
 folks wanted change; I gave it to them.

 If you have a better idea, let me know.
 Sincerely,

The Boss
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 19, 2009, 09:52:45 PM
No one as Irish as Barack O'Bama

song> http://www.oneeyedparrot.org/obama.html
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 19, 2009, 10:06:34 PM
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
 
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.
 
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
 
As they walked through the ape exhibit,
 
They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
 
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
 
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
 
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.
 
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
 
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her
 
Straps fall to show a little more skin.
 
She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
 
'Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,' he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
 
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
 
'Now. Tell HIM you have a headache.' 
 
 
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :D :D ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 21, 2009, 01:54:51 PM
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear.

Ms. Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how do you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on January 22, 2009, 08:34:56 AM
What really caused the Hudson River airliner crash?

(http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e330/m58/cid_001b01c97c1e458188f03c2711adDah.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on January 22, 2009, 10:38:17 AM
That headache joke reminded me of another...

I guy came home from a night out with the guys to find his wife already in bed sleeping.  As he came out of the bathroom he noticed she was sleeping with her mouth open (I WONDER WHAT PEOPLE WOULD THINK IF I STOPPED HERE?).  Getting an idea, he quickly grabs a couple aspirin out of the medicine cabinet and pops them in her mouth.  He waits patiently as they disolve.  The bad taste wakes her up and she spits, trying to get the bad taste out of her mouth.  Seeing him standing there she asks..."What is that taste?"  He replies..."aspirin".  To which she answeres, "I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!"  Grinning he answrers, "GOOOOOD!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on January 22, 2009, 06:30:39 PM
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!' Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'
__________________
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on January 22, 2009, 06:45:31 PM
Two managers are going over their budget for the next year.

After analyzing expenses and revenues, they realize that they will have to lay off one of their two assistants, Jack or Jane.

They go back and forth but can't decide who to lay off.

Finally, one manager decides that they will lay off the first person who gets up from their desk.

In the meantime, Jane is hard at work but suddenly gets a headache. She gets some aspirin from her desk drawer and gets up  to get some water.

The managers get up to break the bad news to Jane.

"Jane, I need to talk to you. I've got a problem. I either have to lay you or Jack off..."

"Well" she says, "could ya jack off, I feel like s#@t!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on January 23, 2009, 10:32:33 AM
After their 11th child, a South Carolina couple decided that was
enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and 
his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a 
vasectomy that
could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly
alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb,
(fireworks are legal in South Carolina ) light it, put it in a 
beer can(COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The South Carolinan said to the doctor, 'I may not be the 
smartest tool
in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer 
can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer 
can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'

'2'

'3'

'4'

'5'

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana ,
Arkansas , Mississippi , Alabama , West Virginia and  Washington , DC
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 23, 2009, 11:13:37 AM
PLEASE TELL YOUR CHILDREN THAT SPELLING IS IMPORTANT, EVEN FOR THIRD GRADERS!


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on January 23, 2009, 11:55:51 AM
As Larry would say "I don't care who you are, that is funny!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 23, 2009, 02:12:02 PM
......AND HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!


 
 
 
"....of the 1.4 million that attended Obama's inauguration, only 14 missed work."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on January 23, 2009, 04:04:31 PM
......AND HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!


 
 
 
"....of the 1.4 million that attended Obama's inauguration, only 14 missed work."


Happy POETS Day, M'ette!!  (Stands for "Punch Out Early, Tomorrow's Saturday)   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on January 23, 2009, 10:00:46 PM
......AND HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!


 
 
 
"....of the 1.4 million that attended Obama's inauguration, only 14 missed work."



but don't worry about those 14, they work for the goverment and took a "sick day".

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on January 23, 2009, 10:02:21 PM
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!' My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!' Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?' She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on January 23, 2009, 10:38:07 PM
The Man Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's really good.)
We always hear " the rules"
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports
It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No
are perfectly acceptable answers
to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago
is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments
become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat,
you probably are.
Don 't ask us.

1. If something we said
can be interpreted two ways
and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry,
we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us
to do something Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know
best how to do it,
just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible,
Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus
did NOT need directions
and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors,
like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit,
not A color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauv e is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong
and you say "nothing,"
We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying,
but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question
you don't want an answer to,
Expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear
is fine... Really .

1. Don 't ask us
what we're thinking about
unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics
as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.
Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know
men really don't mind that?
It's like camping.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on January 24, 2009, 05:21:28 AM
 I know the picture below is a bit small, but see if you can do the test anyway.

Can you spot the 44th president of the United States of America in the chart below? .
.
.
.
.
.
.
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums//johno/44th_president_01.pg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on January 25, 2009, 05:58:08 PM
A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!' (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ , so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: m25operator on January 25, 2009, 07:39:12 PM
Now that's funny right'tere
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on January 26, 2009, 10:40:58 AM
Obama, McCain and All Hillary Die And Go To Heaven

John McCain, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama all die and go to heaven. God looks down from his throne and asks McCain, “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?”

McCain takes a breath and then replies, “Well, I think so because I was a great leader and tried to follow the words in your great book.” God looks down and then says, “You can sit to my left side.”

So, McCain takes his seat and then God asks the same question to Hillary, “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?” Hillary thinks for a second and then replies, “I think so because I have been fighting for the rights of so many people for so long.” God again looks down and this time says, “You can sit to my right side.”

Finally God turns to Barack Obama and asks, “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?”

Obama smiled and replied, “I think you’re in my seat.”
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 26, 2009, 11:39:51 AM



Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
 
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?"

The woman shakes her head, "no.."

Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue, and again shakes her head, "no."

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly licks her right butt cheek.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd always heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't never seed nobody do it afore!".

 :P

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: runstowin on January 26, 2009, 10:45:28 PM
Baskin Robbins is introducing a new ice cream in honor of the inauguration. It is called "Barocky Road".


    It's half vanilla, half chocolate, surrounded by "fruits" and "nuts"!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 26, 2009, 11:16:37 PM
I can't remember where this came from.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on January 27, 2009, 09:09:46 AM
This dog Cat has a gun and refuses to take his medication

That is what the sign outside of Haz's house says
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on January 27, 2009, 09:36:24 AM
That is what the sign outside of Haz's house says


Haz's rebuttal:
(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2007/11/funny-pictures-cat-giving-finger.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 27, 2009, 01:44:21 PM
Baskin Robbins is introducing a new ice cream in honor of the inauguration. It is called "Barocky Road".

It's half vanilla, half chocolate, surrounded by "fruits" and "nuts"!


And.......... in honor of His Majesty our new Halfrican American President...................



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on January 28, 2009, 03:16:50 AM
It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold ?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'It' simple, the Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.'

Always remember this whenever you get advice from a government official!

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 28, 2009, 11:33:19 AM
Wally world has it all......

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, in line behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor ."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.

He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow... Soak your arm in warm water with Epsom Salt from aisle 6 and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. 

He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard.. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ichiban on January 28, 2009, 01:22:29 PM
Twin sisters in St. Luke's Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."

So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY - BOTH OF US?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 28, 2009, 01:27:35 PM
That's always been a favorite of mine...always makes me laugh.
 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 28, 2009, 03:46:01 PM
Salary Theorem...

Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time

Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:

Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion:

The less you know, the more you make.  ;D ;D ;D

Obviously posted by an engineer. ;) ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 28, 2009, 04:59:50 PM
A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CHICAGO .

 SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME.'

 SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL IN, OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO .'

 THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN.

 
SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ: 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE.'

 THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, 'I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.' SHE SAT BACK DOWN.

 FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM. WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.  SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING, 'THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'

 BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS , YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.' NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG, AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.' BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND. ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, 'THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'
 
SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN,  YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO .
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 29, 2009, 08:06:05 AM
Not a joke.. but didn't know where else to post it..................... :-\

I'm confused  .................
How can 2 million blacks get into Washington DC in sub zero temps in 1 day when 200,000 couldn't get out of New Orleans at 85 degrees with four days notice? ???

 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on January 29, 2009, 08:10:36 AM
Not a joke.. but didn't know where else to post it..................... :-\

I'm confused  .................
How can 2 million blacks get into Washington DC in sub zero temps in 1 day when 200,000 couldn't get out of New Orleans at 85 degrees with four days notice? ???

It's all about being first in line where the handouts are going to be ... Now that is motivation  >:(

*** Works for both cases
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on January 29, 2009, 11:42:24 AM
*** EVERYONE ***

~~ JUST RELAX ~~

When was the last

time you saw a

black guy keep a job for

four years?

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on January 29, 2009, 12:23:53 PM


Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America ,


Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as'HILLBILLIES.'


You must now refer to them as


APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .

And furthermore

 


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

 


1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
' BREASTED AMERICAN.'

 


2. She is not ' EASY ' - She is


'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

 


3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a


'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

 


4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a


'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

 


5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes


' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

 


6. She is not a 'TWO- BIT HOOKER' - She is a


' LOW COST PROVIDER.'

 


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

 


1. He does not have a ' BEER GUT' - He has developed a

'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

 


2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is


' OVERL Y CAUCASIAN.'

 


3. He does not ' GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He

' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

 


4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in

'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

 


5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of

RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

(Loved this one!)

 


6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's

'REAR CLEAVAGE.'



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on January 29, 2009, 12:29:37 PM
OK, I'll admit to being five of the six, and I'm sure you can find a group anywhere to throw in the sixth.  Based on that, is there a simple term that would cover it all  ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 29, 2009, 12:33:40 PM
 A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:

     CHEESEBURGER:  $1.50

     CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50

     HAND  JOB: $100.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of  farmers.

'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?'

'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?'

'Yes,' she smiles and purrs, 'I sure am.'

The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.....'

  :D ;D :D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on January 29, 2009, 12:38:02 PM
A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:

     CHEESEBURGER:  $1.50

     CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50

     HAND  JOB: $100.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of  farmers.

'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?'

'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?'

'Yes,' she smiles and purrs, 'I sure am.'

The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.....'

  :D ;D :D ;D

Been posted before
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 29, 2009, 02:19:06 PM
A SHORT LOVE STORY    
 
 
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,..........   'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
 
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!.................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own f***ing blanket.'
 

After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.

The End
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 29, 2009, 02:30:01 PM
Lost My Job @ Wal-Mart:

I had ambitions of finding a simple, uncomplicated, part time job after retiring from my "day job". 

Unfortunately, as I have gotten older, I have become a little less sensitive.

So, after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart Greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job, a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly said "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there; are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't twins! The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

So I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid. I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work...

I'm still job-hunting...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on January 29, 2009, 10:27:56 PM
Now this is funny.......



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5z4Vs26-TI
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 29, 2009, 11:09:46 PM
Psychology:
 
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

 
 
She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: m25operator on January 30, 2009, 10:55:06 AM
FOR ALL THOSE DADDY'S OUT THERE

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the TV when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know.. :)

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?  >:(
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on January 30, 2009, 11:32:50 AM
There is a joke here some where... but its only funny if you don't remember it happening to you.

(http://newmedia2.funnyjunk.com/pictures/too_much_Tekillya.jpeg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on January 30, 2009, 11:34:44 AM
There is a joke here some where... but its only funny if you don't remember it happening to you.

(http://newmedia2.funnyjunk.com/pictures/too_much_Tekillya.jpeg)


The headache not the worst thing when you wake up...... ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: shooter32 on January 30, 2009, 11:35:27 AM
There is a joke here some where... but its only funny if you don't remember it happening to you.

(http://newmedia2.funnyjunk.com/pictures/too_much_Tekillya.jpeg)

LOL The girls all get prettier at closen' time ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on January 30, 2009, 02:34:27 PM
 Went home at 2 with a ten, woke up at 10 with a 2.

You DO realize that alcohol was INVENTED so fat girls could get laid too ?

Ever wonder what they mean by "Coyote ugly". It's when you wake up, see what you slept with and would rather chew your arm off than wake it up.

Go ahead and say it M'ette, It's nothing my ex wife hasn't already called me.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 30, 2009, 03:54:08 PM
Went home at 2 with a ten, woke up at 10 with a 2.

You DO realize that alcohol was INVENTED so fat girls could get laid too ?

Ever wonder what they mean by "Coyote ugly". It's when you wake up, see what you slept with and would rather chew your arm off than wake it up.

Go ahead and say it M'ette, It's nothing my ex wife hasn't already called me.  ;D

Damn good song (Willie Nelson)..............based on a true story........ ;D

When I was in my early 20's, I had a real big appetite for alcohol......and I had very sharp teeth.
Almost had to use them a time or two.

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on January 30, 2009, 05:46:09 PM
Damn good song (Willie Nelson)..............based on a true story........ ;D

When I was in my early 20's, I had a real big appetite for alcohol......and I had very sharp teeth.
Almost had to use them a time or two
.

 ;D

Been there, done that, got the teeth marks.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on January 30, 2009, 08:28:06 PM
Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish people for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon , the Prime Minister of Israel , sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders or their representatives to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholics and the Jews.
The Pope then met with his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal.
"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world."
The Pope thought about this and since he had never held a golf club in his life asked "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?"
"None who plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied."But," he added, "There is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We can arrange to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we will also win the match."
Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and he agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "This is Cardinal Nicklaus. I have some good news and some bad news, Holiness," said the golfer.
"Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I have played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed, "I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on January 31, 2009, 09:40:59 AM
Last night my wife and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, promise me you'll just pull the plug.'

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and dumped out all my beer.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on January 31, 2009, 09:55:02 AM
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.!

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away."

"We can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ... so we're just waiting.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on January 31, 2009, 09:58:21 AM
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, “Dang, why are you drinking so fast?”

The guy says, “You would be drinking fast if you had what I had.”

The bartender says, “What do you have?”

The guy says, “75 cents.”

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on January 31, 2009, 10:03:18 AM
Sven and Ole are walking down a street in Madison, Wisconsin, when and they see a sign on a store that reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair."
Sven says to his pal, "Looky here! We could buy a whole buncha dese, take 'em back to Duluth, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Now when we go in there, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and try to cheat us. Now, I'll try not to sound like we're from Minnesota.

They go in and Sven says with his best Wisconsin accent,"I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ....."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Minnesota, ain't you?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Sven. "How'd you know dat!"

"Because this is a dry-cleaners."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on January 31, 2009, 05:05:52 PM
HERE are the top 50 dumb blonde jokes cracked by Hollywood's hottest actors and socialites, complied by The Sun newspaper in London.
<http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,22049,24979979-5001026,00.html>

1) Paris Hilton talking to press about the US chain store: "Wal-Mart... do they like make walls there?"

2) Jessica Simpson on NewleyWeds: “Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it's tuna, but it says 'Chicken by the Sea.'

3) Alicia Silverstone on her role in Clueless: "I think that the film was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."

4) Chantelle Houghton when Big Brother said she had changed since becoming a celebrity: “I've changed? What do you mean... I've changed my clothes?"

5) Jodie Marsh in a recent interview: "Eskimos are uncivilised because they don't have any shops."

6) Paris Hilton on her technique on the red carpet: "I don't really think, I just walk."

7) Jessica Simpson on her first day at high school: "A teacher asked us if anybody knew the names of the continents. I was sooo excited. I was like, Damn it! It's my first day of 7th grade, I'm in junior high and I know this answer. So I raised my hand, I was the first one, and I said A-E-I-O-U!"

8) Goldie Horn on her favourite types of films: "Comedy is funny".

9) Sam Fox on fitness clothes: "I’ve got 10 pairs of training shoes - one for every day of the week."

10) Britney Spears on her taste in clothes: "So many people have asked me how I could possibly be a role model and dress like a tramp and get implants... all I have to say is that self-esteem is how you look at yourself and I feel good enough about myself so wear that kind of clothing... the breast implant issue has nothing to do with that..."

11) BB's Helen Adam’s on education: "The worst thing is when the press call me a dizzy blonde - I got a B in Drama, a D in English, I did a hairdressing course and a beauty certificate."

12) Lady Victoria Hervey on the homeless: "It's so bad being homeless in winter. They should go somewhere warm like the Caribbean where they can eat fresh fish all day."

13) Britney on Japan "I've never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don't like eating fish. And I know that's very popular out there in Africa."

14) Jessica Simpson when offered buffalo wings: "Sorry I don't eat buffalo."

15) Paris Hilton on her fame: "There's nobody in the world like me. I think every decade has an iconic blonde, like Marilyn Monroe or Princess Diana and, right now, I’m that icon."

16) Chantelle Houghton on George Galloway: "He looks at us like we're stupid, scatty, uneducated girls. He's a right chauvinistic pig, whatever that means!"

17) Cameron Diaz on science: "I've been noticing gravity since I was very young."

18) Britney Spears on where she might start her theatre career: "I would rather start out somewhere small, like London or England.”

19) BB's Helen Adams on magic man Paul Daniels: "Yeah, you know Jack Daniels... he does all the magic stuff!"

20) Christina Aguilera on film festivals: "So where’s the Cannes film festival being held this year?"

21) Paris Hilton on her career choices: "First wanted to be a veterinarian. And then I realised you had to give them shots to put them to sleep, so I decided I'd just buy a bunch of animals and have them in my house instead."

22) Alicia Douvall on motherhood: "I think a 16-year-old with a nice, sexy figure will do really well as a model as long as she's managed well. That's why I'm happy for Georgia to have a boob job because it will give her a career."

23) Chantelle Houghton on hearing George Galloway was an MP: "Does that mean you work in that big room with the green seats?"

24) Britney on capital punishment: "I am for the death penalty. Who commits terrible acts must get a fitting punishment. That way he learns the lesson for the next time."

25) BB2's Helen Adams on pulses: "How much chicken is there in chick peas?"

26) Chanelle Hayes on her Posh spice obsession: “I like what she (Victoria Beckham) wears. That's what magazines are all about - there's always a picture of a celebrity and where to buy a replica of what they're wearing. It's not as if I'm doing anything weird.”

27) Paris Hilton on her title: "I don't want to be known as the Hilton heiress, because I didn't do anything for that."

28) Tara Reid on her fellow blonde celeb: "I make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist."

29) Ivana Trump on literature: "Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything."

30) Christina Aguilera on herself: "I'm an ocean, because I'm really deep. If you search deep enough you can find rare exotic treasures."

31) Britney Spears on her first tour: "Where the hell is Australia anyway?"

32) Alicia Douvall on surgery: "I know it (plastic surgeries) will kill me. But I'd rather die trying to sort things out."

33) Jodie Marsh on cooking: "Is an egg a vegetable?"

34) Kimberly Stewart on Jennifer Aniston: "I like her cos she's like, homely. She must have something else going on cos it's not like she's gorgeous or anything.”

35) Jessica Simpson on her mood at the VH1 '05 video awards: "Isn’t it weird I’m getting all emotionable."

36) Helen Adams on BB2 : "I probably sound Welsh on the telly."

37) Mariah Carey on the death of the King of Jordan: "I loved Jordan. He was one of the greatest athletes of our time."

38) Chantelle Houghton on different types of doctors: "What’s a gynaecologist?"

39) Pamela Anderson on her secret to success: "I don't think about anything too much . . . If I think too much, it kind of freaks me out!"

40) Ivana Trump on getting one over on her ex's new girlfriend: “Gorgeous hair is the best revenge.”

41) Brooke Shields on her campaign against smoking: "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

42) Heather Locklear on being proud of her heritage: "From an early age I was aware of what America meant, and how the Marines at Camp Pendleton were ready to defend us at a moment's notice. I also remember what fabulous bodies those troops had."

43) Jessica Simpson on her scantily clad videos: "I'm definitely shy, so it was definitely acting for me to drop a trench coat and be in a bikini and try to get my cousins out of trouble by using my body. That was definitely acting!"

44) Chantelle Houghton working out the shopping budget: "Eleventy-twelve pence? I don't get it. How much is that then?"

45) Britney on why she did a cover of I Love Rock and Roll: "I always loved Pat Benatar."

46) Emma Bunton on moobs: "I wish men had boobs because I like the feel of them. It's so funny - when I record I sing with a hand over each of them, maybe it's a comfort thing."

47) Cyndi Crawford on modelling: "In the studio, I do try to have a thought in my head, so that it's not like a blank stare."

48) The late Anna Nicole Smith on suicide bombers: "Doesn't that hurt?"

49) Jessica Simpson to the President when visiting the White House: "I love what you’ve done with the place!"

50) Mischa Barton on being blessed with looks: "Pretty people aren't as accepted as other people. It comes with all these stigmas."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on January 31, 2009, 05:22:18 PM
I stopped reading part way down the list - sad, really really sad these people are alive and consuming anything.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on February 01, 2009, 04:13:37 PM
For all you wine lovers out there, this is noteworthy!!!!

Walmart announced that, sometime in 2009 ,
it will begin offering customers a new discount item ----
Walmart's own brand of wine.
The world's largest retail chain is teaming up
with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California
to produce the spirits at an affordable price,
in the $2 - $5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined
to put a bottle of Walmart brand
into their shopping carts,
but "there is a market for inexpensive wine,"
said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing
at the University of Arkansas.

"But the right name is important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine
the most attractive name for the Walmart wine brand.
 
The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:
=0 A
10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4 Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Walmart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel)..

P.S. Don't bother writing back that this is a hoax.
I know possum is not a white meat.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 01, 2009, 07:18:46 PM
The Sensitive Man


          A woman meets a man in a bar.
 They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.
 They get back to his place,and as he shows her around his
apartment. She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the
bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, 
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched
by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy
to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.
but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,
after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips

He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom
where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known. After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in
the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well,how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her,
strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:   
 'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 02, 2009, 06:40:16 PM

Oh no!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 02, 2009, 06:52:57 PM
13 Things PMS Stands For:

 1.  Pass My Shotgun

 2.  Psychotic Mood Shift

 3.  Perpetual Munching Spree

 4.  Puffy Mid-Section

 5.  People Make me Sick

 6.  Provide Me with Sweets

 7.  Pardon My Sobbing

 8.  Pimples May Surface

 9.  Pass My Sweat pants

10.  Pissy Mood Syndrome

11.  Plainly; Men Suck

12.  Pack My Stuff

    and my favorite one:

13.  Potential Murder Suspect
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on February 02, 2009, 07:18:20 PM
13 Things PMS Stands For:

 1.  Pass My Shotgun

 2.  Psychotic Mood Shift

 3.  Perpetual Munching Spree

 4.  Puffy Mid-Section

 5.  People Make me Sick

 6.  Provide Me with Sweets

 7.  Pardon My Sobbing

 8.  Pimples May Surface

 9.  Pass My Sweat pants

10.  Pissy Mood Syndrome

11.  Plainly; Men Suck

12.  Pack My Stuff

    and my favorite one:

13.  Potential Murder Suspect

You forgot
14.  Putting up with Men's S**t!!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ichiban on February 03, 2009, 08:35:09 AM
"A MOOD KILLER!"

A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spent the next hour just scratching
his nuts-- something she seemed to love to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,

'Why do you love doing that?'

'Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on February 04, 2009, 09:25:25 AM
I stopped reading part way down the list - sad, really really sad these people are alive and consuming anything.

they are also worth more then you will make in your life time.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on February 04, 2009, 09:26:04 AM
 man walked into the ladies department of Myer's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.'

What type of bra? asked the clerk?

'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'


'Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable.

'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied: There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple....

The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: long762range on February 04, 2009, 09:40:18 PM
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:

Talking Dog for Sale

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services ... The United States Marine Corps... You know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs."

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger.

So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar! He never did any of that crap. He was in the Navy!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on February 05, 2009, 02:08:51 PM
Brand new edition of...
'You know you're a redneck when......





1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter. 

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. 

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap. 

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. 

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side. 

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements. 

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65. 


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 05, 2009, 02:38:28 PM
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ).

The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.

How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.


 ;D 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 05, 2009, 10:09:23 PM
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/growup.jpg)




Here's the reply the teacher received the following day

Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. 
I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit.  I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it.    Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole.  It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.
From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.
Sincerely,
Mrs.  Smith
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 06, 2009, 01:19:55 PM
Why male Elk have such long antlers............(it's a guy-thing, I reckon)..........


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 06, 2009, 01:31:02 PM
    Oil Change instructions for Women:

    1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

    2) Drink a cup of coffee.

    3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

    Money spent:

    Oil Change: $20.00

    Coffee: $1.00

    Total: $21.00

    ==========

    Oil Change instructions for Men:

    1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

    2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

    3) Open a beer and drink it.

    4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

    5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

    6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

    7) Place drain pan under engine.

    8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

    9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

    10) Unscrew drain plug.

    11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

    12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

    13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

    14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

    15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

    16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

    17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

    18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

    19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

    20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

    21) Drink beer.

    22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

    23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

    24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

    25) Begin cussing fit.

    26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

    27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

    28) Beer.

    29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

    30) Beer.

    31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

    32) Beer.

    33) Lower car from jack stands.

    34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

    35) Beer.

    36) Test drive car.

    37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

    38) Car gets impounded.

    39) Call loving wife, make bail.

    40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

    Money spent:

    Parts: $50.00

    DUI: $2500.00

    Impound fee: $75.00

    Bail: $1500.00

    Beer: $20.00

    Total: $4,145.00

    But you know the job was done right!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 06, 2009, 01:43:15 PM
The best smartass answers:


SMART ASS ANSWER #6:

It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
Yes or no,' she replied.


SMART ASS ANSWER #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'


SMART ASS ANSWER #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3:

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


SMART ASS ANSWER #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead.
Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of fuel!


#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR!!

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'



A BONUS .....

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Well, at least your eyesight's still good.'


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Grizzle_Bear on February 06, 2009, 04:29:55 PM
The best smartass answers:


A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Well, at least your eyesight's still good.'




And this comes under "famous last quotes", right?


Grizzle Bear

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 06, 2009, 06:18:20 PM
 
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip
that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always
complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 06, 2009, 07:56:22 PM
And this comes under "famous last quotes", right?

Grizzle Bear

Or at least the point where the fight started.......... ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on February 07, 2009, 10:19:20 AM
Quote
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Well, at least your eyesight's still good.'


A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror when her husband came into the room and asked her what she was doing.  The wife replied, "As you know I was feeling bad about myself because I've turned 50, but when I visited the doctor for my check-up today he set my mind at ease."

"How did he do that?", inquired her spouse.

The wife replied, "He had me stand naked in front of the mirror in his office and told me to take a close look at myself.  He said I had the complexion of a teenager, the breasts of a 25-year old, and the legs of a 25-year old."

"Oh yeah?", says the husband?  "What did he have to say about your 50-year old ass?"

To which the wife replied, "Your name never came up!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on February 07, 2009, 12:19:22 PM
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers
 
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
 
Red......................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange...............Orange
 
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.
 
'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'
 
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God!! They're ass-holes!
 
 




Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 07, 2009, 02:08:24 PM
Maybe this ought to be posted in the "political section........  ;D ;D


This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment.
This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:


Q.  What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A.  It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.


Q.  Where will the government get this money?
A.  From taxpayers.


Q.  So the government is giving me back my own money?
A.  Only a smidgen.


Q.  What is the purpose of this payment?
A.  The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q.  But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A.  Shut up.




Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:


If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.

If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.

If you purchase a computer it will go to India.

If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).

If you buy a car it will go to Japan.

If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.

And none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America. 

You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 08, 2009, 07:07:43 PM
Cowboy Groom


A Cowboy and his wife had just been married and  went to a hotel for their honeymoon.
The man went  to the front desk and asked for a room. He said,
"This here is a very special night; it's our wedding night,  and we need a good room with a strong bed.
 
The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want  the Bridal?"
 
 The Cowboy thought about it a while and then  replied,

 "No, I guess not, I'll just hold on to her ears until she gets used to it."


 
 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 09, 2009, 12:09:53 PM
Oh my gosh.. this is a bit crude.. but so funny...

Electric fence

 The Electric Fence (Crude)
Thought y'all should read this in case you're thinking of installing an electric fence!

We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard
about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire
along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply
had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into
the ground.

The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp Big Wheel push mower.
The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard.

I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger.

I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the
1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand.

Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside
down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my cajones trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears
curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.

Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I
was literally at one with the engine.. It seems as though the fence charger and the
"piece of crap" lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only
did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second.
It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all
leaned back and "BAM, BAM, BAM" you just crap your pants 3 times; It seemed like
there were minutes in between, but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust
pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire.

My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm
so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those "piece of crap"
chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just 'kinda tickled.
This I could not let go of.

The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil.

At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

Damn!, I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to
run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.

Covered in poop, pee, sweat, and with my cajones on my chest, I think 'Oh God please let me die... pleeeeze let me die'.

But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big
bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own
backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... he left me there
covered in my own fluids to writhe'in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later.

The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas.

It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass
spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire
had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a
seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a champ now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something,
because it was better than new after that.

7- My gonads are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the Game Room by farting while thinking of the number 4
(still don't understand this!)

That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I appreciate the little
things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize
what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over,
which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on February 09, 2009, 03:31:01 PM
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.

She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in Iowa and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
Title: STAY
Post by: rojawe on February 09, 2009, 05:43:38 PM
STAY!!

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Golden Retriever pup had fresh air. 

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, 'Now you stay. Do you hear me?'



"Stay.  Stay!!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady,

gave me a strange look and said,



Why don't you just put it in "PARK" ? ! ! ! ! ! 


 
 

Title: Re: STAY
Post by: Big Frank on February 09, 2009, 07:08:03 PM
 ;D  A blonde lady.  ::) 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on February 09, 2009, 08:11:49 PM
So I booked into a hotel and said ............... to the receptionist,
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
 
"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

 :P






I know. It is a sick joke.  :P :o In bad taste.  :-[
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: m25operator on February 10, 2009, 11:51:45 AM


         A new element was recently discovered and added to the periodic table:



 

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 10, 2009, 02:08:17 PM
;D  A blonde lady.  ::) 

(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/106.gif)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: twyacht on February 10, 2009, 06:20:33 PM
President Barack Obama states that a needed aspirin tax will go into effect immediately raising the price 40%.

Why??

Because its white and it works.... :P
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on February 11, 2009, 04:39:59 AM
CATHOLIC GOLF   


A Catholic priest and a  nun were taking a rare afternoon off
and enjoying a round of golf. 

The priest  stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.
He missed the  ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told  him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again.  "Shit, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you  keep swearing,"
the nun said tartly..

The priest promised to  do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he  misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad  now and says, "Father John, God is going to
strike you dead if you  keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings  and misses again.
"Shit, I missed."

A terrible rumble is  heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes
out of the sky and  strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.





And from the  sky comes a booming voice ......







Shit, I  missed."



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on February 11, 2009, 05:01:22 AM
6 Truths of Life

1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

3. And discover that The first truth is a lie.

4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

I apologize about this .

I'm an idiot and I needed company ...    ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on February 11, 2009, 10:12:29 AM
Everybody needs one of these........
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 11, 2009, 12:44:02 PM
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/taxform.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on February 11, 2009, 12:51:26 PM
on the new 1040 SUPER EZ form, the part circled in red is the only thing on the form
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on February 11, 2009, 02:01:58 PM
I wish I had the option to mark a box.  All I got was a request for a blank check so they could make arrangements with my bank to take what they want when they want  >:(
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on February 11, 2009, 03:11:23 PM
m58, that post is in the wrong thread.....IT IS NO JOKE!

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 11, 2009, 05:37:12 PM
After being married 44 years I took a careful look
 at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 44 years ago
 we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa
bed and watched a 10-inch black & white TV, but I got
to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old.
 

 "Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a
 nice bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping
 with a 65 year old woman. It seems to me that you're
 not holding up your end of things."
 

 My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me
 to go out and find a hot 25 year old gal and she would
 make sure that I am once again living in a cheap apartment,
 driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and
 watching a 10-inch black & white TV.
 

 Aren't older women great?  They really know
 how to solve your midlife crisis.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: 1Buckshot on February 11, 2009, 05:49:06 PM
So what happend to the first wife? If I am right, 44 and 25 adds up to 69.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on February 11, 2009, 09:50:15 PM
Dear Employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement.
 
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be considered for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
 
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers).
 
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
 
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees.
 
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Supervisor, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

Management

PS
Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil,as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
We apologize for the inconvenience.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 11, 2009, 10:10:08 PM
Do you know why it's so cold??

Because almost every White person for 200+ years said.

" It will be a cold day in Hell, before a black man becomes President."

Enjoy the weather. ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on February 12, 2009, 01:13:13 AM
Do you know why it's so cold??

Because almost every White person for 200+ years said.

" It will be a cold day in Hell, before a black man becomes President."

Enjoy the weather. ;D


how dose that work for over here


it has been  45+    (115f for those playing at home in the USA)   :P
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on February 12, 2009, 10:21:16 AM
Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce.

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and a half, a nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It is made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a grudge?
No, we have a carport, and not need one.

I mean, what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She is going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She is going to poison me. She bought a bottle at a drugstore and put it on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it says 'Polish Remover'.
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 12, 2009, 07:25:54 PM
Carlos and Jose are both beggars.

They beg in high-rent areas of town.

Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about eight or nine dollars a day.

Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day.

He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house, and has a lot of money to spend.

"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlo's sign reads; "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support"

"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.

"No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a day!"

Carlo's says, "Alright, what does your sign say?"

Jose said: It reads, "I only need ten dollars to get back to Mexico."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 12, 2009, 07:33:26 PM
The spoon:

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place', and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare.

'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.'

I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.

So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%'.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

 :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on February 12, 2009, 10:34:06 PM
We are in trouble...

The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city

Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are, Sitting on your ass,

At your computer, reading jokes.

Nice....Real nice.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on February 13, 2009, 10:36:39 AM
A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

His mother replied, "Don't even go there!  From what I can remember about that f....k party, you're lucky you don't bark!

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 13, 2009, 01:08:45 PM
A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

His mother replied, "Don't even go there!  From what I can remember about that f....k party, you're lucky you don't bark!



Thanks for giving me something to do this afternoon......pick pieces of orange soda-water-soaked sandwich out of my keyboard...

 ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on February 13, 2009, 01:21:41 PM
As many of you know, I am trying to lose some weight ... Ok, I told M'ette,but now the rest of you know.

I am trying something new.  I am no longer using the scale.  Once a week, when I get out of the shower I stand naked in front of the mirror.  I stomp my right foot as hard as I can on the floor, and then I time how long it takes everything to quit jiggling.

As of this week I am down to three days, ten hours, fourteen minutes and twenty-two seconds  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 13, 2009, 06:34:05 PM
"Watch it wiggle, watch it jiggle." Jell-O  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on February 13, 2009, 07:24:46 PM
The reloading thread reminded me of this ...  If I've posted it before, please forgive me because I can't remember what I had for breakfast today  :(

Great grandpa lived to be 110.  At his one hundredth birthday party some of us asked him what the secret to living so long and being health was.  He confided in us that when he was just a teenager an old geezer told him that the secret to health was to eat a little gunpowder everyday.  So everyday since great grandpa put a pinch of gunpowder on his morning cereal.

Well ... last week great grandpa died at the young age of 110.  Following his wishes we had his body cremated.  Today there is a fifty foot crater where the retort stood  :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on February 13, 2009, 07:29:42 PM
This is a true story and as funny as many jokes I've heard.

One Sunday morning the Pastor announced the birthday of John.  Since Sunday was actually his birthday, and on that day he had turned 105 (and he was sitting in his regular pew right up front) we all sang happy birthday.  The Pastor went on to tell how John had invited him over for cake and coffee on Friday to celebrate.  While sipping coffee the Pastor asked John "What is the best thing about turning 105?"  John looked at the ceiling for a moment, turned and looked the Pastor in the eye and replied "No Peer Pressure!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on February 13, 2009, 07:35:24 PM
A couple was sitting in a restaurant enjoying a quiet evening when the husband heard a man at the table behind him complain about trying to chew his steak.  When he inquired the man said his new dentures "just didn't fit well."  The gentleman reached in his pocket and produced a set of teeth and said "try these."  The man took a bite and replied "they're a little snug."  The gentleman reached in another pocket and offered "how about these?"  After a bite the man said "better, but a little loose."  The gentleman reached in his breast pocket and produced yet another set.  After the man had eaten half his steak the gentleman inquired as to how they worked.  The man grinned and said "GREAT!"  "By the way, are you a dentist?"  "No" replied the gentleman turning back to his food and wife "a funeral director."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on February 14, 2009, 05:45:11 AM
More Blonde Jokes

FIRST DEGREE
>
> A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
> The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment
> and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
> The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know,
> some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
>
> `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
>
> SECOND DEGREE
>
> Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on
> the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
> mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde
> says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the compact.
> The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
>
> `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,. -:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
>
> THIRD DEGREE
>
> A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
> so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
> unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him
> in the arms of a redhead....
> Well, the blonde is really angry.
> She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,
> she is overcome with grief.
> She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
> The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
> The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
>
> `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-..,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
>
> FOURTH DEGREE
>
> A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
> She proudly says, 'Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them.'
> A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
> The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'
>
> `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
>
> FIFTH DEGREE
>
> What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
> 'Is it mine?'
>
> `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
>
> SIXTH DEGREE
>
> Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
> ransacked and burglarised.
> She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
> The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
> patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
> As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash,
> the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the
> cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
> Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find
> all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
> They send me a BLIND policeman...'                       
>           
> `´*:-.,_,...-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`??*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
>
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on February 14, 2009, 07:12:17 AM
Let Him Dig!


                  An old man and woman were married for many years, even
 though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and
 yelling could be heard deep into the night.


        The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up
 and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your
life!'


        Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black
 magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their
 neighborhood.


       The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To
 everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.


       His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the
 burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there
 was no tomorrow.


        Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't
 you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the
 grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'


      The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had
 him buried upside down.


      Damn women they think of everything!!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 14, 2009, 10:50:48 AM
You need a trowel to spread this?


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 14, 2009, 06:34:14 PM
A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. 

Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.

He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.

The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives.

But our hero has a problem. 

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives in town?'"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he gets home and talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on February 14, 2009, 07:30:01 PM
Ole was walking home late at night, through the park and sees a woman in the shadows.   "Twenty dollars' she whispers.  He'd never been with a hooker before, but decides, what the hell, it s only twenty bucks.

 

So they hide in the bushes. They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them-- it's a police officer.  'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.
'I'm making luff to my vife ,' Ole answers indignantly.

 

'Oh, I'm sorry.' says the cop. 'I didn't know.'

'Vell,' says Ole, 'I din't neder, 'til you shine that damn light in her face.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on February 15, 2009, 10:11:33 AM
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
 
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and  asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of  our laws."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 15, 2009, 09:51:48 PM
A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country.
He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there.

Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes.

He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read 'Calls: $10,000 a minute.'
Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign.
The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to GOD.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.
As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Denver, St. Louis, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Georgia.
Upon entering a church in Alma, Georgia which is only about 30 miles from Waycross....behold - he saw the usual golden telephone.
But THIS time, the sign read 'Calls: 35 cents'.

Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor.
'Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden Telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to GOD, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?'

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, 'Son, you're in the South now. You're in God's Country....It's a local call.'




American by Birth - A Southerner by the Grace of God...............Y'all have a nice day now, ya he-ah.

 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on February 16, 2009, 10:00:19 AM
Post Office Interview
 
A guy went to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asked him, 'Are you allergic to anything? He replied, 'Yes - caffeine.' 'Have you ever been in the military service?' 'Yes,' he replied. 'I was in Iraq for two years.' The interviewer said, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment. Then he asked,'Are you disabled in any way?' The guy said, Yes....an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles. The interviewer grimaced and then said,'O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day. The guy was puzzled and asks, 'If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?  This is a government job, the interviewer said. For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on February 16, 2009, 10:00:56 AM
A couple was sitting in a restaurant enjoying a quiet evening when the husband heard a man at the table behind him complain about trying to chew his steak.  When he inquired the man said his new dentures "just didn't fit well."  The gentleman reached in his pocket and produced a set of teeth and said "try these."  The man took a bite and replied "they're a little snug."  The gentleman reached in another pocket and offered "how about these?"  After a bite the man said "better, but a little loose."  The gentleman reached in his breast pocket and produced yet another set.  After the man had eaten half his steak the gentleman inquired as to how they worked.  The man grinned and said "GREAT!"  "By the way, are you a dentist?"  "No" replied the gentleman turning back to his food and wife "a funeral director."

Remind me to not let you fit me with dentures!!  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on February 16, 2009, 01:10:56 PM
Remind me to not let you fit me with dentures!!  ;D

I also stock eye glasses, watches and hearing aids ... looking for any deals?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on February 16, 2009, 05:02:21 PM
I also stock eye glasses, watches and hearing aids ... looking for any deals?

Got any gold cufflinks?   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on February 16, 2009, 05:44:38 PM
What about glass eyes?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on February 17, 2009, 08:54:04 PM
 3 DEAD  BODIES

Three  dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their  faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has  happened.


The Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body  is a 72 year old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his  mistress. Hence the enormous smile."


"The  second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand dollars  on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning,  hence the smile."     

 

The Inspector asked, "What of the third  body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Nancy  Pelosi, Speaker of the House, 66, struck by lightning.  "   


"Why is she smiling then?" inquires the  Inspector.     

"Thought she was having her picture  taken."
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on February 17, 2009, 09:03:15 PM
    NASCAR NEWS... Jeff Gordon fires his entire pit crew!!


    This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of the government's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.


    The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew
    could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment.
    It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team
    as most races are won or lost in the pits. However-Gordon got more than he bargained for!

    At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the Vin number, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TexGun on February 17, 2009, 09:25:12 PM

The Inspector asked, "What of the third  body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Nancy  Pelosi, Speaker of the House, 66, struck by lightning.  "   

 

Hmm... I'm surprised the botox didn't melt into a frown. ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on February 18, 2009, 06:43:02 AM
    NASCAR NEWS... Jeff Gordon fires his entire pit crew!!


    This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of the government's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.


    The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew
    could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment.
    It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team
    as most races are won or lost in the pits. However-Gordon got more than he bargained for!

    At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the Vin number, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.




foclmao     ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on February 18, 2009, 03:19:19 PM

Vocabulary Word for the Day


LIQUIDITY

Definition:

Liquidity is when you look at your retirement funds and wet your pants!

 >:( :(
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gorknoids on February 18, 2009, 06:55:28 PM
Q)  What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?


A)  One of them shucks between fits.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on February 18, 2009, 08:20:46 PM
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.
 All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,
 then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the
 job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

 The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then
 says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

 The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

 "Done!" replies the government official.

 And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: m25operator on February 18, 2009, 08:30:10 PM
Majer, on target as usual. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Doctors vs. Gun Owners...
Post by: philw on February 19, 2009, 05:06:57 AM
Doctors:
(A)       The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B)       Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C)       Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services.
Now think about this:
Guns:
(A)       The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes that's 80 million).
(B)       The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C)       The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.
Statistics courtesy of FBI.

So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

FACT:  NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.

We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!

Out of concern for the public at large, I withheld the statistics on lawyers,
 for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on February 19, 2009, 05:09:38 AM
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....       

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.


A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.


The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'


The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'


She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'


Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.


The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts....


Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.


'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.


'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.'  The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.


The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.


The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500.00  membership fee.'


'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our
facilities.'


The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day!!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: m25operator on February 19, 2009, 09:27:58 AM
The Zipper

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, the lady became aware
that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height
of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would
give her enough slack to raise her leg She tried to take the step, only
to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to
unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the
step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg With a
little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little
more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked
her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How
dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, M'am, normally I would agree
with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we
was friends. ;)


 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on February 19, 2009, 10:17:53 AM
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.
 All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,
 then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the
 job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

 The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then
 says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

 The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

 "Done!" replies the government official.

 And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.



WAY too accurate to be funny!!
Title: Re: Doctors vs. Gun Owners...
Post by: ellis4538 on February 19, 2009, 10:49:15 AM
That post would go good in the "Classic Joke" thread except it isn't a joke!!!!!!!!

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on February 19, 2009, 11:22:59 AM
UNCLAS //N01000//
NAVADMIN 100/09
 
SUBJ: CHANGE TO US NAVY EARLY RETIREMENT PROGRAM
 
REF A: NAVY PERSONNEL MANUAL

1. AS A RESULT OF THE NEW ADMINISTRATIONS PROPOSED FORCE REDUCTIONS AND BUDGET CUTS, THE NAVY HAS DEVELOPED A PROGRAM TO REDUCE THE NUMBER OF ACTIVE DUTY PERSONNEL. THIS PROGRAM WILL BE EFFECTIVE 1 OCTOBER 2009.
 
UNDER THIS PROGRAM, OLDER SAILORS WILL BE ASKED TO GO ON EARLY RETIREMENT, THUS PERMITTING THE RETENTION OF THE YOUNGER SAILORS WHO REPRESENT THE FUTURE. THEREFORE, THIS PROGRAM WILL PHASE OUT OLDER SAILORS BY JUNE OF THE FOLLOWING FISCAL YEAR.
 
THIS INITIAL PHASE OF THE PROGRAM  WILL BE KNOWN AS THE SAILORS LATE-AGED RETIREMENT PROGRAM (SLAP). SAILORS WHO ARE SLAPPED WILL BE GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY TO LOOK FOR JOBS OUTSIDE THE NAVY. SLAPPED SAILORS CAN REQUEST A REVIEW OF THEIR PERSONNEL RECORDS BEFORE ACTUAL RETIREMENT TAKES PLACE. IT WILL BE DENIED WITH NO DUE HASTE.

2. THE SECOND PHASE OF THE PROGRAM IS CALLED THE SURVEY OF CAPABILITIES OF RETIREMENT-ELEGIBLE EARLY WORKERS (SCREW).  ONCE SAILORS HAVE BEEN SLAPPED, EVERY EFFORT WILL BE MADE TO SCREW THEM AS WELL.  ALL SAILORS WHO HAVE BEEN SLAPPED OR SCREWED MAY FILE AN APPEAL WITH THEIR CHAIN OF COMMAND WITH FINAL AUTHORITY NOT AT THE LOCAL COMMAND LEVEL.  ONCE SCREWED, SAILORS WILL BE QUIETLY SHOWN THE DOOR.

3. THE THIRD PHASE OF THE PROGRAM IS CALLED THE STUDY BY HIGHER AUTHORITY FOLLOWING TERMINATION (SHAFT).  UNDER THE TERMS OF THE OTHER NEW POLICIES, A SAILOR MAY BE SLAPPED ONCE, SCREWED TWICE, BUT MAY BE SHAFTED AS MANY TIMES AS FIT THE NEEDS OF THE NAVY.
 
4.  ONCE A SAILOR FOLLOWS THE ABOVE PROCEDURES, HE/SHE WILL BE ENTITLED TO HALF EARNINGS FOR RETIRED PERSONNEL'S EARLY SEVERANCE (HERPES) OR COMBINED LUMP-SUM ASSISTANCE PAYMENT (CLAP).  AS HERPES AND CLAP ARE CONSIDERED BENEFIT PLANS, ANY SAILOR WHO HAS RECEIVED HERPES OR CLAP WILL NO LONGER BE SLAPPED OR SCREWED BY THE NAVY.

5. THE NAVY WISHES TO ASSURE THE YOUNGER SAILORS WHO REMAIN ON BOARD THAT THE NAVY WILL CONTINUE ITS POLICY OF TRAINING SAILORS THROUGH OUR SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING PROGRAM (SHIT). THE NAVY TAKES PRIDE IN THE AMOUNT OF SHIT OUR SAILORS RECEIVE AND THE FACT THAT WE GIVE OUR SAILORS MORE SHIT THAN ANY OTHER SERVICE. IF ANY SAILOR FEELS THEY DO NOT RECEIVE ENOUGH SHIT, THEY MAY REQUEST A GUARANTEED SHIT ACCELERATION (GSA) ASSIGNMENT FROM THEIR CURRENT DUTY STATION.  ONCE RETURNED FROM A GSA ASSIGNMENT, SAILORS SHALL BE DEPLOYED AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, IOT RE-BASELINE THEIR SHIT LEVEL.
 
6. THIS CHANGE WILL BE INCORPORATED INTO A FUTURE CHANGE TO REF A.
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on February 19, 2009, 02:40:42 PM
A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!

Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dharmaeye on February 19, 2009, 07:20:25 PM

Redneck Bank Loan

A Redneck from North Carolina walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.


The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.


Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
 
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'

The good 'ole Tar Heel boy replied, 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'

His name was BUBBA...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: CDR on February 19, 2009, 07:27:16 PM
Redneck Bank Loan

A Redneck from North Carolina walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.


The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.


Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
 
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'

The good 'ole Tar Heel boy replied, 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'

His name was BUBBA...

Great........now Schmuck Schumer will be lobbying for a $500 interest minimum on all NY State bank loans..... ;D

Line of the day........

"Don't you feel that whenever he speaks, Schmuky Schumer's ethics are always negotiable?"

Mark Levin
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dharmaeye on February 19, 2009, 07:35:09 PM

         

        A new element has been discovered:
         

        Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

         

        The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

         

        These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

         

        Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete.

         

        Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

         

        In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

         

        This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

         

        When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

         
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dharmaeye on February 20, 2009, 10:23:14 AM
Click on image to enlarge ;D
(http://)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on February 20, 2009, 11:35:51 AM
A blonde, a brunette, and a red head were in an elevator when a handsome man stepped in. After a couple of floors he leaves the elevator .

After he left the red head said "Man was he hot!" the brunette said "Yeah but he could use some head and shoulders"

The blonde thought for a while and said "How do you give a man shoulders?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 20, 2009, 05:55:14 PM
Catherine, pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office.

After the exam, she shyly began to ask, "My husband wants me to ask you if......"

"I know, I know," the doctor interrupted, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked the same question all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it," Catherine confessed, "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on February 21, 2009, 09:06:48 AM
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, “Jesus is watching you.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the flashlight on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching you.”

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” the burglar hissed at the parrot.

“Yep,” the parrot confessed, and then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.” The burglar relaxed, “Warn me, huh?” Who in the world are you?

“Moses,” replied the bird. “Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”

“The kind of people that would name a Pit Bull Jesus!!!”
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on February 21, 2009, 04:03:23 PM
Dear People of Australia

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).


Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).


Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate.


Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.


Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The has government always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.



Sincerely,
KRudd
Parliament House
Australia
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on February 23, 2009, 06:39:58 AM
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that
they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is
for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at
me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would
get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl
could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think
that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

"And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd
love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell
everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound
pride.

"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the
Marines could blow the shit out of him

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 24, 2009, 01:36:58 AM
WHAT  IS A GRANDPARENT?
(Taken from papers written by  a class of 8-year-olds) 

Grandparents  are a lady and a man who have no little children of  their own. They like other  people's. 

A  grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a  lady! 

Grandparents  don't have to do anything except be there when we  come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't  play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the  shops and give us money. 

When  they take us for walks, they slow down past things  like pretty leaves and caterpillars. 

They  show us and talk to us about the colors of the  flowers and also why we shouldn't step on  'cracks.' 

They  don't say, 'Hurry up.' 

Usually  grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your  shoes. 

They  wear glasses and funny  underwear. 

They  can take their teeth and gums  out. 

Grandparents  don't have to be smart. 

They  have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God  married?' and 'How come dogs chase  cats?' 

When  they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if  we ask for the same story over  again. 

Everybody  should try to have a grandmother, especially if you  don't have television because they are the only  grownups who like to spend time with  us. 

They  know we should have snack time before bed time, and  they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've  acted bad. 

A  6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA  LIVED. ''OH,''  HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE  WANT HER, WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE  HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE  AIRPORT.'' 

GRANDPA  IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD  THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS  SMART AS HIM! 

It's  funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and  they blame their  dog.  :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on February 24, 2009, 06:43:58 AM
Upon hearing  that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went  straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-  year-old grandmother to comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.' Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. 'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the  church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice  and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.' She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued... 'He'd still be  alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on February 24, 2009, 06:51:46 AM
Upon hearing  that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went  straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-  year-old grandmother to comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.' Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. 'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the  church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice  and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.' She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued... 'He'd still be  alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along

Now I don't care where you're from, that's funny right there!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on February 24, 2009, 11:18:56 AM
Yep, just bet I take my hearing aids out at night!!!!!

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on February 24, 2009, 05:29:43 PM
A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples:
 1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.   
(On an airplane!)   
2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown.  While I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, she interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts "  Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa '' Her response - click.
    3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando .   He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.  I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!''20(OMG)
  4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''   I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the map.  (OMG, again!)
  5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas    When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas .  When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)   
 6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
  7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' She replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a20tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!'' After putting her on hold for a minute, while I looked into it (I was dying laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
 8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii .  After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California , and then take the train to Hawaii ?''
 9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?'' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''
 10. A lady Senator called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''   I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane. She said,  ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''   11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many time s and never had to have one of those.'' I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, ''Look, I' ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''
  12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .'' I was at a loss for words.  Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?'' ''Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, ''I 'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere.' ''The lady retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is.  Check your map!'' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?'' The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''
     Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!  Could anyone be this DUMB?
  YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tumblebug on February 24, 2009, 07:11:18 PM
 And they want to rule ,not be questioned or corrected anytime by anyone esp. worker bee's.It's okay to squeal when they steal your money, but not to loud.PLEASE  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 24, 2009, 10:13:12 PM
Mr. tombogan03884 MADE me do this... ((I'm innocent.. I swear I am!)) (http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/surrender.gif)

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN SHE'S REALLY PISSED?

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/image0011-1.jpg)

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/image0022.jpg)

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/image0044.jpg)

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/image0055.jpg)

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/image0066.jpg)

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/image0077.jpg)


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on February 24, 2009, 10:16:41 PM
((I'm innocent.. I swear I am!))


But is Marshal?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 24, 2009, 10:21:43 PM
It's to make up for the fact that Ellis's NH congresswoman is from my district.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on February 25, 2009, 09:17:34 AM
Not sure if you all heard... Denny's is now offering a new special to raise money for OctoMom. With this special you get: 8 eggs, no sausage & the guy next to you pays for it.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on February 27, 2009, 04:40:45 AM
I wish this is a joke  ( apparently it is not though )

http://www.theoldpinebox.com/peta_coffins.html

Quote
THE OLD PINE BOX is pleased to be able to offer a special line of coffins in support of
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.  Designed by the folks at PETA and built
exclusively by THE OLD PINE BOX, these coffins allow you to voice your defense of all
creatures even after your own voice is silenced.  Every coffin purchased from this selection
will result in a net contribution of $75.00 to PETA.

Prices listed do not include shipping costs.  Please contact us with your zip code for an
accurate freight quote.  These coffins are not stock items and will require a minimum of two
weeks lead time.

(http://www.theoldpinebox.com/sitebuilder/images/Design_2-336x191.png)
(http://www.theoldpinebox.com/sitebuilder/images/Design_1-335x188.png)
(http://www.theoldpinebox.com/sitebuilder/images/Design_4-336x198.png)
(http://www.theoldpinebox.com/sitebuilder/images/Design_7-336x194.png)
(http://www.theoldpinebox.com/sitebuilder/images/Design_3-334x196.png)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on February 27, 2009, 12:15:59 PM
I wish this is a joke  ( apparently it is not though )

http://www.theoldpinebox.com/peta_coffins.html

(http://www.theoldpinebox.com/sitebuilder/images/Design_2-336x191.png)
(http://www.theoldpinebox.com/sitebuilder/images/Design_1-335x188.png)
(http://www.theoldpinebox.com/sitebuilder/images/Design_4-336x198.png)
(http://www.theoldpinebox.com/sitebuilder/images/Design_7-336x194.png)
(http://www.theoldpinebox.com/sitebuilder/images/Design_3-334x196.png)


I'm a member of PETA:
People who
Eat
Tasty
Animals

Eating animals is murder.  Tasty, delicious murder.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: shooter32 on February 27, 2009, 12:21:42 PM

I'm a member of PETA:
People who
Eat
Tasty
Animals

Eating animals is murder.  Tasty, delicious murder.  ;D

Kill it and Grill it ;D  as uncle Ted would say!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ratcatcher55 on February 27, 2009, 01:33:06 PM
Heck, I'll pony up $75.00 if they throw in the PETA member to fill it up. ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on February 27, 2009, 01:40:53 PM
Heck, I'll pony up $75.00 if they throw in the PETA member to fill it up. ;)

+10

lol
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 27, 2009, 02:19:30 PM
I wish this is a joke  ( apparently it is not though )

http://www.theoldpinebox.com/peta_coffins.html

(http://www.theoldpinebox.com/sitebuilder/images/Design_2-336x191.png)
(http://www.theoldpinebox.com/sitebuilder/images/Design_1-335x188.png)
(http://www.theoldpinebox.com/sitebuilder/images/Design_4-336x198.png)
(http://www.theoldpinebox.com/sitebuilder/images/Design_7-336x194.png)
(http://www.theoldpinebox.com/sitebuilder/images/Design_3-334x196.png)

I hope they fill a lot of them. Some more Salmonella tainted tomatoes could help.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sanjuancb on February 27, 2009, 02:40:35 PM
There was a PETA guy handing out fliers at my university's Student Union today---I went to buy a giant tub of beef jerky to hand out next to him but when I got back he was gone!    :'(
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 27, 2009, 07:09:48 PM
I heard someone say meat is food. Vegetables are what food eats.  :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on February 27, 2009, 09:36:15 PM
I heard someone say meat is food. Vegetables are what food eats.  :)


at work we use iChat   here are a sample of the status's I use ( have a couple of Vegies about the place

I'm a vegetarian......I only eat things that eat grass!
There will always be room for all God's Creatures .. Yep!! Right Next to the mashed Potatoes.....
If God did not want us to eat animals they why are they made of meat?
A LAMB a Day  Keeps the VEGANS Away..
Cats belong in a cage, IE a Crab Pot
Cat goes thwack not meow
I Love Cats, (I Just couldn't eat a whole one)
I'm a CHOP!       Chauvinistic, Homophobic, Opinionated Prick
I was going to ask them 'what do you do with barbecue sauce if you can't put it on meat? What can you do? Put it on salad?
For every animal you don't eat, I'm going to eat four.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: m25operator on February 27, 2009, 09:45:29 PM
Not a joke, a herbivore, must eat all day, to keep it's strength, a carnivore eats the herbivore, and gets everything it ate plus the herbivore, and does not have to eat so often. Just makes sense.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on February 27, 2009, 10:03:35 PM
I heard someone say meat is food. Vegetables are what food eats.  :)

All of God's creatures have a place ... on a plate right between the potatoes and vegetables  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 27, 2009, 10:41:51 PM
 I like vegetables, I've worked for some who paid quite well.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 28, 2009, 08:34:57 PM
A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it, as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.   

"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something".

He stops and eventually mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.   

Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.

Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries, she feels a rumble and suddenly gets "the urge".

She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
 
When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.

She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet!

She calls her doctor.

The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, and he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
   
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.

Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.   

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks. 

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"   
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 28, 2009, 08:44:19 PM
Our troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense of humor with the following 'YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN REDNECK IF...'
 
1.   You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
 
2.   You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
 
3.   You have more wives than teeth.
 
4.   You wipe your rear with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'
 
5.   You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
 
6.  You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
 
7.  You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
 
8.  You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off bombs.
 
9.  You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
 
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
 
11. You normally bathe monthly whether necessary or  not.
 
12. You have a crush on your neighbor's goat.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on March 01, 2009, 07:06:56 PM
MY Living Will

I,__________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. 

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills. 

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

Guns
ammo
Cup of coffee                                                     
Margarita
Sex
guns
ammo
Martini
Cold Beer
Chocolate
Chicken fried steak
Cream gravy
Sex
guns
Mexican food
Chocolate
French fries
Chocolate
Pizza
Sex
guns
ammo
Ice cream
Cup of coffee
Chocolate
guns
Sex
ammo
Chocolate
ammo
guns

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, let the 'fat lady sing,' and call it a day!
Have a Drink  IT'S 5 O'CLOCK SOMEWHERE
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: 1911 Junkie on March 01, 2009, 08:47:30 PM
A small guy steps onto an elevator and sees the biggest guy ever. The big guy looks down and says:
7 foot
300lbs
20 inch penis
testicles 3lbs each
Turner Brown
The small guy hits the floor, out cold.
The big guy smacks him awake and he looks up and asks,"what did you just say?".
The big guy says,"I saw the look on your face so I just answered all the normal questions. I'm 7 feet tall,
weight 300lbs, my penis is 20 inches long, my testicles weigh 3lbs apiece and my names Turner Brown".
The small guy says,"Oh, Thank God, I thought you said 'Turn Around'".
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Luv2Shoot on March 01, 2009, 08:48:34 PM
Doctors vs Gunowners


Doctors

(A)   The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.

(B)   Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.

(C)   Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of

Health and Human Services.   

Now think about this:


Guns

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.   

(Yes, that's 80 million)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.   

(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.

Statistics courtesy of FBI


So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

FACT:   NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT     

ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.

We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

Out of concern for the public at large, I withheld the statistics on   

Lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!

 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 01, 2009, 09:01:33 PM
Just thinking  ??? ??? ??? ???

 Did you realize that President Obama probably signed his stimulus package at the same desk where President Clinton got his package stimulated?

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on March 01, 2009, 09:09:11 PM
Just thinking  ??? ??? ??? ???

 Did you realize that President Obama probably signed his stimulus package at the same desk where President Clinton got his package stimulated?



Oh no you didnt........ Holla!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 01, 2009, 10:23:16 PM
Ya just can't top ignorance... LOL   ::)


Why 911 Dispatchers Drink:
Compliments of tombogan  ;D

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 01, 2009, 10:31:28 PM
The Obama coins, the Obama plates and now something for the rest of  us ..........

 

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/political/ATT002451.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 01, 2009, 11:19:08 PM
I'm sure that very few men have had this kind of experience but I bet the females in your life have had.. If they have children and grandchildren.. LOL

 ( I definitely can relate)  ::)


My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to communicate and does
it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we're in the
library, the grocery store or at a drive-thru window.

People often comment on how clearly he speaks for
a just-turned-3-year-old. And you never have to ask him to turn up the
volume. It's always fully cranked. There have been several embarrassing
times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by
a not-so-audible voice, but never have I  wished this more than last week
at Costco.

Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade with me
into the restroom. If you'd been one of the ladies in the second to the
last stall you would have heard this:

'Mommy, are you going to go potty?  Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on
the potty, Mommy? Oh You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now? Mommy,
what are you doing?  Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?'

At this point I started mentally counting how many women had been in the
bathroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full ... 4? 5?  Maybe we
could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this
stall and reveal my identity.

Cade continued:
'Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you?  Oh, dats a good girl, Mommy!
 Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty?
 Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy! Oh Mommy!  I'm trying to see in dere.
 Oh! I see dem.  Dat is a very good girl, Mommy. You are gonna get some candy!'

I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me.
Where is a screaming new born when you need her?  Good grief.

This was really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long
time before exiting. Trying to divert him, I said,

'Why don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some candy.
We'll both have some!'

'No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies.  Oh Mommy!' He started to gag at this point.

'Uh - oh, Mommy. I fink I'm gonna frow up.  Mommy, doze stinkies are making me frow up!! Dat is so gwoss!!'

As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall.  I  quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the subject. I began to reason with myself: OK There are four other toilets.  If I count four flushes,
I can  be reasonably assured that those who overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone.

'Mommy!  Would you get off the potty, now? I want you to be done going
stinkies!  Get up! Get up!'  He grunted as he tried to pull me off. Now I
could hear full-blown laughter. I bent down to count the feet outside my
door.

'Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy?  You wooking under da door? What
were you wooking at?  Mommy? You wooking at the wady's feet?'

More laughter. I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess the
situation.

'Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now. We have to go out
now, Mommy.' He started pounding on the door.  'Mommy, don't you
want to
wash your hands? I want to go out!!'

I saw that my wait'em out plan was unraveling.

 I sheepishly opened the door, and found standing outside my stall, twenty to thirty ladies
crowded around the stall, all smiling and starting to applaud.  My first
thought was complete embarrassment, then I  thought, where's the fine
print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed away every bit of my dignity and privacy?

 But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin
while he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands, I thought,
I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as Mommy to this little fellow.



(Shannon Popkin is a freelance writer and mother of three. She lives with
her family in Grand Rapids , Michigan , where she no longer uses public
restrooms.)


You must pass this on to all the mothers who have had embarrassing
moments with their children.
  Isn't it great to be a parent! Or a grandparent? ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 02, 2009, 11:02:35 PM
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'

6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'

7. Feel better?

GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 03, 2009, 01:04:20 PM
Subject: A man who knows his math

A MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATH
 
He writes:
 
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver who cut
right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the
shoulder to avoid hitting her..
 
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his
window and gave the woman the finger.
 
'Man, that guy is stupid,' I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely
and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to
me in traffic, and here's why:
 
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure
I pass at least another 4000 cars.  That brings the total number to
something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!
 
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
 
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That's 449.
 
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
 That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger?
I don't think so.
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 03, 2009, 05:17:59 PM
BIRTHDAY REMINDER......

This week we celebrate a special birthday!

Monica Lewinsky turned 34.

Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 03, 2009, 05:22:52 PM
BIRTHDAY REMINDER......

This week we celebrate a special birthday!

Monica Lewinsky turned 34.

Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they?


crawling around.......getting stains on her clothes and experimenting with cigars......;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 03, 2009, 05:34:35 PM
crawling around.......getting stains on her clothes and experimenting with cigars......;D

That's it...smoking cigars at such an early age is what got her in trouble in the first place....... ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on March 03, 2009, 06:56:18 PM
(http://i384.photobucket.com/albums/oo283/tsbevins/blonde-maze.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 03, 2009, 07:29:19 PM
(http://i384.photobucket.com/albums/oo283/tsbevins/blonde-maze.jpg)

OOOOH what you did!  (http://www.mazeguy.net/surprised/misspeak.gif) (http://www.mazeguy.net/surprised/mind-blowing.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on March 04, 2009, 12:28:42 PM
That's it...smoking cigars at such an early age is what got her in trouble in the first place....... ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D



I don't think cigars is what she was "smoking".
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 04, 2009, 04:59:03 PM
There were five houses of religion in a small town:
>> The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist
>> Church , the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.
>>
>> Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.
>>
>>
>> One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide
>> what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and
>> consideration they determined that the squirrels were
>> predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere
>> with God's divine will.
>>
>> In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation
>> in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a
>> cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The
>> squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there
>> the next week
>>
>> The Methodist Church got together and decided that they
>> were not in a position to harm any of God's creation.
>> So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a
>> few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels
>> were back.
>>
>> But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most
>> effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and
>> registered them as members of the church. Now they only
>> see them on Christmas , Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and
>> Easter.
>>
>> Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue,
>> but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him
>> called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on
>> the property since.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on March 04, 2009, 08:36:08 PM
A new Publix supermarket just opened

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and brats.

In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped Miller Lite.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread &cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 04, 2009, 09:13:51 PM
A new Publix supermarket just opened

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and brats.

In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped Miller Lite.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread &cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.


I wonder what you hear on the condom aisle?     :o  :o  :o  :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 04, 2009, 11:03:07 PM
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/cartoons/FamilyPi11.jpg)









(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/cartoons/file00022.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on March 05, 2009, 07:59:57 AM
A group of surgeons were sitting in the bar talking "shop."  The question was "who is the easiest to operate on.?"

The first surgeon said it was accountants, because when you open them up everything is numberes;

The second disagreed and said it was electricians, because everything is color coded;

The third quickly replied that it was librarians, because everything is alphabetical;

The forth chimed in that they were all wrong.  The easiest to operate on was a politician, because they have not heart, no guts, no spine, and the top and bottom ends are interchangeable.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 05, 2009, 03:36:55 PM
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an
assignment:  Get their parents to tell them a
story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one
by one began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular type stuff, spilled milk
and pennies saved.  But then the  teacher realized,
much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left.

"Ernie, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt.
  She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all
she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a
survival  knife.........

She drank the whiskey on the way down so
the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute
landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran
out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the
blade broke, and then she killed the last enemy with
her bare hands."

"Good Heavens", said the horrified teacher. "What kind
of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

 

 

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she is drinking."


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 05, 2009, 10:35:47 PM
Two Minnesotans, Sven & Ole, walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They
head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem der little budgies in dat cage up
dere," says Sven.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the
birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of
some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake.
At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis
looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps
off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom,
killing himself dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and
says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie yumping is too dangerous for me."

VAIT!!! Der's MOR!

Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs.
He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff
carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says He takes a parrot from the bag and
throws himself over the edge of the cliff.

Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and
breaks every bone in his body.
Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
either."

BUT VAIT!!! Der's MORE , you betcha!!

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when
Lars appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which
he pulls a chicken.

Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls
himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock
and breaks his spine.

Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was Sven with his budgie
yumping, den Knute parrotshooting, and now Lars, hengliding ..."



Dat's all. Der ain't no mor!

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 06, 2009, 12:46:56 PM
The Pregnant Blonde.
    . . .

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy!

I  didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I starting jumping up and down along
with her.

She said, 'I have some really great news!'

I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'

She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant. I knew
she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier for you!'

Then she said, 'There's more.'
I asked, 'What do you mean there's more?'

She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!'

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant,
I asked her how she knew.

She said. . . (You're going to love this!)
 
'Well, that was the easy part. I went
to Sam's Club and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in
a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!'
   
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on March 06, 2009, 03:27:13 PM
Chilli Cookoff

Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:


Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.


Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?


Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!


Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!


Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.


Chilli # 8: Mount Saint Helen's Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he would have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 06, 2009, 03:43:47 PM
NO ONE puts beans in true chili.  After all is is known as Texas MEAT stew not Texas BEAN stew!

Meat, tomato, peppers, garlic, other spices to taste, (maybe mushrooms).  NO BEANS!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on March 06, 2009, 03:59:30 PM
NO ONE puts beans in true chili.  After all is is known as Texas MEAT stew not Texas BEAN stew!

Meat, tomato, peppers, garlic, other spices to taste, (maybe mushrooms).  NO BEANS!

THen there's Jeff Foxworthy's recipe for chili:

Take all the hot shit you can find, put it in a pot and cook it for a long damn time.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tumblebug on March 06, 2009, 04:34:51 PM
 Any way you like it. ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 06, 2009, 09:47:10 PM
NO ONE puts beans in true chili.  After all is is known as Texas MEAT stew not Texas BEAN stew!

Meat, tomato, peppers, garlic, other spices to taste, (maybe mushrooms).  NO BEANS!

Blaspemy...............chili must have beans.........in order to provide after dinner entertainment.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 06, 2009, 10:00:35 PM


Old Guys Don't Care

As we age, we tend to end up seeing more of the medical establishment.    For example, my internist referred me to a female urologist. I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous.  She's beautiful, sexy and unbelievably big breasted. She told me that I have to stop masturbating.  When I asked her why, she said, 'Because I'm trying to examine you...'

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on March 07, 2009, 12:02:32 PM
Bad day at Hallmark
 
Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........ 
 
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

 

 Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me. 

   

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

'What the hell was I thinking?' 

 

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband. 

 
 

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby? 

 
 

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ...

I've changed my mind.

 
 

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you. 


 

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me. 

 

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

   

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )

 


Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike! 

 
   

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

 
 

We have been friends for a very long time .

let's say we stop?

 
 

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

 

 

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was? 

 
 
 

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

 
 

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 07, 2009, 12:21:22 PM
Those are some they really SHOULD print !  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: THE CORONER on March 07, 2009, 02:19:36 PM
A CHL motorist on the Ohio Turnpike gets stopped by the Ohio Turnpike Patrol. 

The driver pulls over, rolls his window down, and puts his hands on the steering wheel.

As the officer approaches the driver's window, the driver tells the officer that he is CHL and that he is carrying. 

He then ask the officer how he would like to proceed? 

The Patrolman ask the driver if he, meaning "the patrolman" has anything to be afraid of while conducting his traffic stop? 

The driver responded by saying, "Not yet"!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 08, 2009, 03:41:29 PM
Apples to Oranges?

Of Abe and Barry.............everyone compares the two......

  1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration. Obama used the same Bible..

  2. Lincoln came from Illinois. Obama comes from Illinois.

  3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature. Obama served in the Illinois Legislature.

  4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President. Obama had very little experience before becoming President.

  5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration. Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to             Washington for his inauguration.

  6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

  7. Lincoln was a Republican. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

  8. Lincoln was highly respected. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

  9. Lincoln was born in the United States. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

 10. Lincoln was called Honest Abe. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on March 08, 2009, 06:00:40 PM
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.  While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."   He then addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"   Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, "Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?"  And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 08, 2009, 08:13:23 PM
Wisdom Of A  Retiree!!     
 




  I've  often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that  you're
retired?   Well..I'm fortunate to  have a chemical engineering
background, and one of the things I enjoy most is  turning beer, wine,
Scotch, and margaritas into  urine.   :D :D ;D ;D ;)

I like this one. The guy is wise indeed. But make mine Scotch.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dharmaeye on March 08, 2009, 08:23:18 PM
Apples to Oranges?

Of Abe and Barry.............everyone compares the two......

  1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration. Obama used the same Bible..

  2. Lincoln came from Illinois. Obama comes from Illinois.

  3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature. Obama served in the Illinois Legislature.

  4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President. Obama had very little experience before becoming President.

  5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration. Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to             Washington for his inauguration.

  6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

  7. Lincoln was a Republican. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

  8. Lincoln was highly respected. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

  9. Lincoln was born in the United States. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

 10. Lincoln was called Honest Abe. Obama is a skinny lawyer.


My first thought was  - we have another Civil War?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 08, 2009, 10:10:35 PM
 Obama would not like that if he knows how it ended ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: HAWKFISH on March 09, 2009, 12:05:22 AM
Obama would not like that if he knows how it ended ;D

Probably not..  :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on March 09, 2009, 07:04:39 AM
I thought you may like some non PC British humour for a change!
(If it is British, it must be good!!)
 
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Pakistan. Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured.
 
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.
 
The USA is sending troops to help.
 
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
 
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
 
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
 
The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
 
Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.
 
Britain, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Pakistanis.
 
God Bless British generosity.
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 09, 2009, 01:47:29 PM
 America would have, but we could not spare the cabbies and convenience store clerks.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on March 09, 2009, 02:32:24 PM
SAYS WHO!!!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on March 09, 2009, 05:28:23 PM
Top Four Adult Jokes of All Time ...


Fourth Place:

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
His elbow goes into her breast.
The y are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.   
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
To confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.   
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.   
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.  He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'
'No, Bill.  I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
---------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table o ne morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said.  'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered.  'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.   'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on March 09, 2009, 08:00:22 PM
TWENTY
DOLLARS

On
their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new
Husband and
asked for $20.00 for their first
Lovemaking encounter. In
His highly
aroused state, her husband readily
Agreed. 
   
This
scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more
Than 30 years,
with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to
Afford new
clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.. 
   
Arriving
home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find
Her husband in a very
drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His
employer
Was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he
had
Been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of
59, he'd be able to
find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He 'd been earning,
and
Therefore, they
Were financially ruined. 
   
Calmly,
his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than thirty
Y ears
of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then
she
Showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which
were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the
largest depositors in the bank. 
   She
explained that
For the more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for
sex,
These holdings had multiplied
And these were the
Results of
her savings and investments. 
   Faced
with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3
Million, her husband
was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but
Finally he found his
voice and blurted out, 'If
I'd had any idea what you
Were doing, I
would have given you all my
Business!' 
   
That's
when she shot him. 
   
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on March 10, 2009, 05:44:17 AM
How many Country Music singers does it take to change a light bulb




Two - One to change it, the other to sing about how good the old one was


( i heard this on the weekend , and thought it was rather funny at the time - it was told in the middle of a Garth Brooks song )










Remember years ago there was a controversy about back masking on songs (ie they would supposedly say something when played backwards)....

You know what happens when you play a country music song backwards?













The guys dog comes back, his wife comes back, he gets his farm and his truck back.....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on March 10, 2009, 01:31:44 PM
Video: Saturday Night Live.... The Rock Obama

Hulk out:

http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/clips/the-rock-obama/1056126/
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Marshal Halloway on March 11, 2009, 12:14:22 AM

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota . He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk.  When he grabs a tit and pulls...the cow farts. Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again.

He grabs another tit, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow.

When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her tit, and see vat happens.'

Sven reaches under, pulls the tit...the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole and says, 'You bought dis here cow over in Nordakota, didn't yah?'

Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.

Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how did yah know?'

Sven says, 'My wife is from Nordakota too.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: shooter32 on March 11, 2009, 09:00:47 AM
LOL ;D Good one Marshal ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 11, 2009, 12:04:12 PM
Down Home Arab Holistic Medicine...............


Ahkmed the Arab came to America from the Middle East and he was only here a few months when he became ill.

He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said:  "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket,  pee on de poop, and deen put your head down over de bocket ahn breathe in de fumes for teen meenites."

Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, and bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor, he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"

The doctor said, "You were homesick."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: long762range on March 11, 2009, 02:01:12 PM
just sent that joke to my son in Iraq.  He almost hurt himself laughing. 

 :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 11, 2009, 02:06:43 PM
How's the boy doing, Longrange?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: long762range on March 11, 2009, 04:05:53 PM
Good.   They are using the MRAP to travel rather than the Humvee.  Much,much safer.

Gets R&R this summer.  Be good to see him.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on March 12, 2009, 06:28:40 AM
ENLIGHTENED!


I became confused when I heard these terms with reference
to the word 'Service'.

Internal Revenue 'Service'

U.S. Postal 'Service '

Telephone 'Service'

Cable 'Service'

Civil 'Service'

Customer 'Service'

State, City & County Public 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But
today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them
said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all
those 'service' agencies are doing to us.

I hope you are as enlightened as I am.



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tumblebug on March 12, 2009, 10:32:47 AM
 TIRED of running. ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ocin on March 13, 2009, 07:48:40 AM
Have fun  ;D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6Kj6nMILJg&feature=recommended
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on March 13, 2009, 11:40:38 AM
Have fun  ;D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6Kj6nMILJg&feature=recommended


That'll leave a mark!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on March 13, 2009, 10:58:25 PM
Have fun  ;D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6Kj6nMILJg&feature=recommended


hehhee   very good
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on March 14, 2009, 01:36:49 PM
An oldie but a goodie...

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 14, 2009, 07:16:12 PM
DADDY'S  GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS


I was packing for  my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time  playing on the bed. At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this' ,  and stuck out two of her  fingers.


Trying to keep her  entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and  said , 'Daddy's  gonna eat your fingers,' pretending to eat  them.


I went back to  packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her  fingers with a devastated look on her face.


I  said, 'What's  wrong, honey?'


She  replied, 'What happened to my booger?'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 14, 2009, 07:24:53 PM
Subject: Irish Lent


 An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the
 pub, and promptly orders three beers.  The bartender raises his
 eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a
 table, alone.

 An hour later the man has finished the three beers and orders three
 more.  This happens yet again.  The next evening the man again orders
 and drinks three beers at a time, several times.  Soon the entire town
 is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

 Finally, a week later the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of
 the town.  "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering
 why you always order three beers."

 "Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies.  "You see, I have two
 brothers and one went to America and the other to Australia.  We promised
 each
 other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank
 as a way of keeping up the family bond."

 The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer and soon
 the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of
 pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come
 to watch him drink.

 Then one day the man comes in and orders only two beers.  The bartender
 pours them with a heavy heart.  This continues for the rest of the
 evening.  He orders only two beers.  The word flies around town.
 Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

 The next day the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me
 first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your
 brother.  You know - the two beers and all...."


 The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to
 hear that my two brothers are alive and well.  It's just that I,
 meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."  ;D


You just know this had to be in time for St Paddy's day.  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: 1911 Junkie on March 14, 2009, 08:10:25 PM
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders 10 shots of whiskey.  He tells the bartender he just got
some bad news, found out his brother was gay. The bartender gives his condolences and gets him his
drinks.

The next week the same guy comes back in and orders 10 more shots of whiskey. The bartender asks
"what's wrong now" and the guy replies he just found out his other brother is gay too.

The third week the same poor guy comes back and orders 10 more shots. The bartender looks at him
and asks, "Man, doesn't anybody in your family like pussy?"

The guy replies,"yeah, my wife!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on March 15, 2009, 06:41:41 PM
Sometimes, you can tell by the flavor!!!
 
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of  first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.                   

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God!! They're ass-holes.'


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 15, 2009, 09:24:00 PM
Snopes does not list this as "false;” but you might want to check this out with the IRS and your Senators.


Income taxes are normally due on April 15th unless that date falls on a Saturday or Sunday, in which case they are due on Monday the 16th or 17th.

However, I have been told that rule has recently been changed for this and for the next 4 years, tax payments will not be due until you are nominated to a cabinet position.

Please check with your Tax adviser to confirm

  ;D ;D ;D ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: 1911 Junkie on March 16, 2009, 12:10:32 AM
A rich guy and a poor guy are sitting at a bar.
The rich guy says,"today's my wifes birthday."
The poor guy asks what he got her.
The rich guy replies,"I bought her a diamond necklace and a new mercedes."
The poor guy asks why he bought both, to which the rich guy replies,"well, I figure if she doesn't like
the necklace she can get in her mercedes and drive it back to the store."
The poor guys,"oh, good thinking, today's my wifes birthday also."
The rich guy asks what he got her and the poor guy says,"I bought her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo."
The rich guy says,"thats an interesting combination."
The poor guy says,"yeah, I figure if she doesn't like the flip-flops, she can go f##k herself."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on March 16, 2009, 05:54:54 AM
definition of disappointment


http://s409.photobucket.com/albums/pp175/wombat_69/AHN/?action=view&current=definition_of_disappointment11.flv

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on March 16, 2009, 07:27:57 AM
Subject: ...and that's how the fight started

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When his wife asked him why, he replied, "Well, she still hasn't used the gift I bought her last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?"

I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started.....

--------------------------

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started.....

--------------------------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started.....

--------------------------

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started....

--------------------------

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started....

--------------------------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started.....

--------------------------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started.....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on March 16, 2009, 07:53:28 AM
HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a
University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The
answer by one student was so "profound" that the
professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet,
which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of
enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or
endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats
when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is
changing in time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving
into Hell and t he rate at which they are leaving. I
think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets
to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at
the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a
member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since
there is more than one of these religions and since
people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect
the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in
Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the
volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls
are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate
at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and
pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks
loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and
pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa
during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day
in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account
the fact that I slept with her last night, then number
two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is
exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has
frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any
more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only
Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being
which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting
"Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: runstowin on March 16, 2009, 10:56:49 AM

After the election, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin decided to do her best to heal the wounds with her rivals in the bitter campaign.

She invited the ticket that defeated John McCain and her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden, to a moose-hunting trip.

She hired three prominent experts in their fields to assist.

Dick Cheney would lead them on the hunt.

Ted Kennedy would drive them back to their cabins each evening.

And Bill Clinton would entertain their wives and daughters.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: 1911 Junkie on March 16, 2009, 11:55:30 AM
A peasant girl decided she wanted to go to the ball, so, her fairygodmother helped her out.  She gave her
the horse drawn carriage, evening gown, shoes and jewlery.  She even gave her a magic diapragm, the only
catch was that the diapragm would turn into a pumpkin at midnight.  The peasant girl went happily on
her way.
After many hours, about 5AM the peasant girl finally came home wearing a big smile on her face. The fairy
godmother was irrate,"where have you been? Your diapragm should have turned into a pumpkin hours ago."
The peasant girl said,"it's ok, I met a handsome prince who took care of everything."
Her fairygodmother replied,"I don't know of any prince with such powers. What was his name?"
The peasant girl said,"I don't know, Peter Peter something or other...."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 16, 2009, 12:29:10 PM
Texas Gun Logic
I like the logic of those Texans.

A woman was called in front of a Texas grand jury for possible manslaughter charges after she shot a mugger 6 times in the back as he was running away with her purse.

He had grabbed the purse and ran.

She had her hand on the gun in the purse when he grabbed the purse and she was left with the revolver in her hand.

When asked by the grand jury why she shot the man 6 times in the back as he was running away, she replied under oath:
“Because when I pulled the trigger the 7th time it only went click.”
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: shooter32 on March 16, 2009, 12:48:47 PM
 Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's
      when they struck up a conversation. The Yellow Lab
      turned to the Chocolate Lab and said, "So why are you here?"

      The Chocolate Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on
      everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids.
      But the final straw was last night when I pissed in
      the middle of my owner's bed."

      The Yellow Lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

      "Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the
      Chocolate Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

      The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab
      and asked "why are you here?"

      The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences,
      dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it.
      When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over
      the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
      owners' couch."

      "So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.

      "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too", the dejected Black Lab said.

      The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked,
      "Why are you here?"

      "I'm a humper," the Yellow Lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump
      the cat, a pillow, the table, and fence posts, whatever. I want to hump
      everything I see. Yesterday, the little old lady that owns me had
      just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes,
      and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started
      hammering away".

      The Black and the Chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,

      "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

      The Yellow Lab said, "No, I'm Here To Get My Nails Clipped."

 

 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on March 16, 2009, 03:13:36 PM
Subject: something for everyone...

 
WHATEVER HITS THE FAN WILL
NOT BE DISTRIBUTED EVENLY.
 
I have kleptomania,
But when it gets bad,
I take something for it.
 
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.
 
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
 
Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.
 
 
Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
And
It's all organized by the Swiss.
 
Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
And
It's all organized by the Italians.
 
 
A bartender is just a pharmacist
With a limited inventory

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore...

ARKANSAS
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.
 
I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.
 
Dyslexics Have More Nuf
 
Money isn't everything,
But it sure keeps the kids in touch.
 
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
 
I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes.
 
Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
 
 
I am having an out-of-money experience.

 
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on March 16, 2009, 03:18:24 PM

> A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when
the newscaster says, "Six Brazilian men died in a skydiving accident
today." 

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's
horrible!"  Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving,
and there is risk involved." 

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: long762range on March 16, 2009, 11:08:20 PM
I was in Home Depot the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well,she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter--- let's look for yours.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 17, 2009, 03:30:57 PM
I know this is an 'oldie' and has been posted before, but I saw it again today and just can't stop laughing.......
This has to top my list of funny videos.
Cracks me up every time.....................and every time I watch it I find something else funny about it.....

 ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGkUgdL-9w4

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on March 17, 2009, 04:08:47 PM
"Bill Gates's Judgement day"

 
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows Vista.

I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?" Bill asked. "I'll leave that up to you." God replied. "Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of long-legged women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great," he told God. "If this is hell, I really want to see Heaven."

"Fine," said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, beautiful and sunny, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.

"Fine," replied God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, surrounded with heavy thick-legged women and being burned and tortured by demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma no matter how loud he screamed.

"How's everything going?" He asked Bill. Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented disappointment. "This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago. I can't believe this is happening. What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the long-legged women playing in the water????" "Oh," God said, "that was Hell XP. This is Hell Vista." 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 17, 2009, 04:12:39 PM
VISTA!  GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on March 17, 2009, 04:14:32 PM
VISTA!  GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ZACTLY!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 17, 2009, 06:07:07 PM
Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder
The bartender asks "where did you get that"?
The parrot says " Africa , they're all over the place"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on March 17, 2009, 06:13:32 PM
WHY WE LOVE OLDER PEOPLE:

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry all of his purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand.'
'Why thank you very much' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'   
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: long762range on March 17, 2009, 07:07:35 PM
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London .
After the plane was airborne drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for
a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores
than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 18, 2009, 09:58:42 AM
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.
 
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
 
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
 
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
 
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
 
'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Shit!', the Rottweiler ate her!
 
The teacher had to leave the room.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: shooter32 on March 18, 2009, 10:02:12 AM
LOL...


sorry Haz ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 18, 2009, 10:23:50 AM
A French doctor says, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we
can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him
looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of
one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in
four weeks.

The Russian doctor says, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced
that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another,
and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

An American doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way
behind.  We recently took a man with no brains out of Illinois, put
him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for
work.'

Maybe this is no joke and should have been posted on a different thread. What do you think Tom?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 18, 2009, 11:53:54 AM
Funny, but accurate.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 18, 2009, 03:35:51 PM
Seamus and Jimmy, two Cape Bretoners, got a pilot to fly them in to
Labrador to hunt moose. They had great luck, and managed to bag six.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could
take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot
six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."


Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six moose were loaded. However, even
on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Seamus and Jimmy survived the
crash.



After climbing out of the wreckage, Seamus asked Jimmy, "Any idea where we
are?"



Jimmy replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
 ;) :D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 18, 2009, 04:31:02 PM
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how
you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size
as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.'

'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of
them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit
out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase

 ;D ;D ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on March 19, 2009, 07:35:00 PM
Sheer Nightgown

 A husband walks into  Victoria 's Secret  to purchase a  sheer negligee
 for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to
 $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts
 for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it
 to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

 Upstairs the wife thinks (she' s no dummy ), 'I have an idea. It's so
 sheer that   it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do
 the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for
 myself.'

 She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says,
 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

                He never heard the shot.

 Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 19, 2009, 08:20:44 PM
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:


'Two Prostitutes -- $50.00..'

A policeman, seeing the sign,
Stopped them and told them
They'd either have to remove the sign
Or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
'JESUS SAVES.'

One of the girls asked the officer,
'How come you don't stop them?!'

'Well, that's a little different,'
The officer smiled . .
'Their sign pertains to religion.'

So the two ladies of the night frowned
As they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer
In the area when he noticed the two ladies
Driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest,
He began to catch up with them
When he noticed the new sign which now read:

Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter -- $50.

 
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: m25operator on March 19, 2009, 10:01:14 PM
Tom, your bad. ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 20, 2009, 01:30:31 PM

Sex


The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the
family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful
and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in
rebellion.
He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth
control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date,
the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of
condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother
saying:

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that!
I'm dating Susan!'



Church

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand He said 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No shit?'


Pancakes

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared
to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him
pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pan cakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied . 'The rest are for your father.


  ;D ;D ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on March 20, 2009, 02:27:36 PM
Catholic Humor

These are worth the read.
 

1.  Box Donation

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said
to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed
together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as
putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.  For your
penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers,
and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then
started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him
saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on
the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
 

2.  Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to
Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me,
Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made
mad, passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said,
'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my
sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off
of your face.'

3.  Looks of Disappointment

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after
surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open
and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she
stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he
said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of
'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
 

4.  Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only
a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the
parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a
mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot
have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists
down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll
do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think
$5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of
Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

5.  Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this
Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

6.  ConfessionC2

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The
following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70
years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday,
I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I
had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'

7.  Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam
he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the
ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had
it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe
you?'

8.  Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I
think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip
up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you
forget to zip down.'
 
9.  Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an
inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying
on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the
closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a
search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the
exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of
moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little
bastards!'..

 

 

 

 

 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on March 21, 2009, 01:16:48 PM



Dont continue to suffer from PETArdation!  There's help.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on March 21, 2009, 02:02:57 PM



Meat is murder!!!!











Delicious, TASTY murder!!!!








;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on March 21, 2009, 05:55:31 PM
(http://farm1.static.flickr.com/77/189651905_672e00b1b7.jpg?v=0)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 21, 2009, 11:25:31 PM

Miss Sally Edwards is a  highly esteemed third grade teacher at Centerville Elementary in   Centerville ,   Texas . In an effort  to prepare her students for the all-important Texas Assessment of  Knowledge and Skills (TAKS) test, she compiled an exam  consisting of 20 questions, which she administered to her class  last Tuesday. The exam purposely covered a broad array of topics. I call  your attention to question # 11, which simply read:
 
LIST, IN ANY ORDER, THE FOUR  SEASONS: 1. ________ 2. ________ 3..________ 4.  ________
 
Now, could you possibly imagine that 67% of the  students gave the following  answer?
 
1. DOVE  SEASON   2. DEER SEASON  3.  DUCK SEASON  4. SQUIRREL SEASON



GOD  BLESS TEXAS !!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 21, 2009, 11:48:43 PM
f they were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First" would have turned out something like this.

 ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO : Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT : Mac?

COSTELLO : No, the name's Lou .

ABBOTT : Your computer?

COSTELLO : I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT : Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou .

ABBOTT : What about Windows?

COSTELLO : Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT : Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO : I don't know. What will I see when I look at the
windows?

ABBOTT : Wallpaper.

COSTELLO : Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT : Software for Windows?

COSTELLO : No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT : Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT : I just did.

COSTELLO : You just did what?

ABBOTT : Recommend something.

COSTELLO : You recommended something ?

ABBOTT : Yes.

COSTELLO : For my office?

ABBOTT : Yes.

COSTELLO : OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT : Office.

COSTELLO : Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT : I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO : I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I wan t to type a proposal.  What do I need?

ABBOTT : Word.

COSTELLO : What word?

ABBOTT : Word in Office.

COSTELLO : The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT : The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO : Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT : The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO : I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO : That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT : Money.

COSTELLO : I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT : It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO : What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT : Money.

COSTELLO : Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT : Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO : I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT : One copy.

COSTELLO : Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT : Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO : They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT : Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT : Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO : How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT : Click on 'START'.............
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on March 22, 2009, 06:58:30 PM
http://www.hulu.com/watch/57938/saturday-night-live-wii-guys

"Oh, trust me your mothers gonna be a natural" ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 23, 2009, 10:18:37 AM
Tom ask me to put this up...  ;D

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on March 23, 2009, 10:24:04 AM
GO Granny!!!!! 

That's what he deserved!!!  Buy American!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tumblebug on March 23, 2009, 01:25:04 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on March 25, 2009, 09:10:51 AM
Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...
 
'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'
 
'Okay then, said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than the a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.
 
Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.
 
'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'
 
...'It's swollen,' Fred replied.
 
She ran out of the room.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on March 25, 2009, 09:12:38 AM
From Tech Support:

INSTALLING A HUSBAND
 


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from   Boyfriend 5.0  to  Husband 1.0  and
noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance,
particularly in the flower and jewelry applications,
which operated flawlessly under  Boyfriend 5.0 .

In addition,  Husband 1.0  un-installed many other valuable
programs, such as:    Romance 9.5  and   Personal Attention 6.5, 

and then installed undesirable programs such as: 

         NBA 5.0, 
         NFL 3.0   and 
         Golf Clubs 4.1 

Also   Conversation 8.0  no longer runs, and  Housecleaning 2. 6 
simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running  Nagging 5.3   
to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, 
Desperate.

 

DEAR DESPERATE,   

First, keep in mind,
•          Boyfriend 5.0   is an Entertainment Package, while 
•          Husband 1.0    is an operating system. 

Please enter command:  ithoughtyoulovedme.html 
and
try to download  Tears 6.2  and do not forget to
install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed , 
 Husband 1.0   should then automatically run
the applications  Jewelry 2.0   and   Flowers 3.5. 

However, remember, overuse of the above application
can cause  Husband 1.0  to default to 
 Grumpy Silence 2.5 ,  Happy Hour 7.0  or  Beer 6.1 .

 Please note that   Beer 6. 1   is a very bad program
that will download the   Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta. 

Whatever you do,  DO NOT under any circumstances install   
 Mother-In-Law 1.0  (it runs a virus in the background that will
eventually seize control of all your systems resources.) 

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the 
 Boyfriend 5.0 -program These are unsupported
applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .

In summary,  Husband 1.0  is a great program,
but it does have limited memory and cannot learn
new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory
and performance. We recommend   
          Cooking 3.0  and 
          Hot Lingerie 7.7

Good Luck!
Tech Support
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on March 25, 2009, 09:14:42 AM

     
 
 
  "OLD" IS WHEN....... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and 
  you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!" 
 
  "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator
  shoes and you're barefoot. 
 
  "OLD" IS WHEN...... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your
  pacemaker opens the garage door.   
 
  "OLD" IS WHEN...... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 
 
  "OLD" IS WHEN...... You don't 
  care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 
 
  "OLD" IS WHEN....... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor
  instead of by the police. 
 
  "OLD" IS WHEN......"Getting a little action" means you don't
  need to take any fiber today 
 
  "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. 
 
  "OLD" IS WHEN...... An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom. 
 
  AND 
 
  "OLD" IS WHEN…….. You are not sure these are jokes.
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 25, 2009, 11:47:49 AM
 
  Redneck word of the day :  "OBAMA"
 

BOUGHT ME A CASE OF BEER AND DRANK IT OBAMA SELF!

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 25, 2009, 11:49:35 AM
****************GROAN!*****************





;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 25, 2009, 01:56:33 PM
The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years He had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital.
He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi before die", whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to them and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived. Harry and Nancy would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital,
Harry commented to Nancy "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images."
Nancy couldn't help but agree.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Nancy ¹s hand in his right hand and Harry¹s hand in his left.
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Nancy spoke.
"Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
The old priest continued...
"He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 25, 2009, 02:15:30 PM
A birch tree and a beach tree one day noticed a new sapling growing right between them.  The Birch sais "AH! A new son of the birch".  The beech said "No way, that is deffinately a son of the beech". 

They argued like this for some time until a woodpecked happened by.  (and ya'll thought I was done din't ya ;) )

So the trees explained the argument the woodpecker and asked if he would fly down and exsamine the sapling and tell which was right.

The woodpecker agreed and went to investigate.  So he did a peck here and a peck there on the sapling and flew back up into the trees.

"Well," said the birch "tell that beech I was right".  The beach said "Not so fast birch, I am sure that that sapling is a son of a beech".

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  the wood percker said "Hate to tell you but you are both wrong.  It s neither a son of a birch or a son of a beech"............

Wait for it...................


Wait for it...................


Wait for it...................











"That sapling is the finest young piece of Ash I have ever had my pecker in!"

(http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/lachen/laughing-smiley-011.gif) (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/lachen/laughing-smiley-014.gif) (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/lachen/laughing-smiley-018.gif)  (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/lachen/laughing-smiley-014.gif) (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/lachen/laughing-smiley-018.gif)  (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/lachen/laughing-smiley-014.gif) (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/lachen/laughing-smiley-018.gif)  (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/lachen/laughing-smiley-012.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 25, 2009, 06:10:58 PM
A birch tree and a beach tree one day noticed a new sapling growing right between them.  The Birch sais "AH! A new son of the birch".  The beech said "No way, that is deffinately a son of the beech". 

They argued like this for some time until a woodpecked happened by.  (and ya'll thought I was done din't ya ;) )

So the trees explained the argument the woodpecker and asked if he would fly down and exsamine the sapling and tell which was right.

The woodpecker agreed and went to investigate.  So he did a peck here and a peck there on the sapling and flew back up into the trees.

"Well," said the birch "tell that beech I was right".  The beach said "Not so fast birch, I am sure that that sapling is a son of a beech".

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  the wood percker said "Hate to tell you but you are both wrong.  It s neither a son of a birch or a son of a beech"............

Wait for it...................


Wait for it...................


Wait for it...................











"That sapling is the finest young piece of Ash I have ever had my pecker in!"

(http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/lachen/laughing-smiley-011.gif) (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/lachen/laughing-smiley-014.gif) (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/lachen/laughing-smiley-018.gif)  (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/lachen/laughing-smiley-014.gif) (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/lachen/laughing-smiley-018.gif)  (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/lachen/laughing-smiley-014.gif) (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/lachen/laughing-smiley-018.gif)  (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/lachen/laughing-smiley-012.gif)


Damn....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Green Mountain Gringo on March 25, 2009, 07:31:19 PM





what's that?      some kind of joke?   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 26, 2009, 12:25:47 AM
It losses something when you SEE it in print. I got a good snicker out of it 30 some odd years ago when my Dad told it. (At the local old ladies garden club ;D )
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 26, 2009, 12:33:57 AM
It losses something when you SEE it in print. I got a good snicker out of it 30 some odd years ago when my Dad told it. (At the local old ladies garden club ;D )

Maybe if you think of it in a Grouch Marx voice?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: JSC3ATLCSO on March 26, 2009, 12:45:17 AM
It losses something when you SEE it in print. I got a good snicker out of it 30 some odd years ago when my Dad told it. (At the local old ladies garden club ;D )


Seems like the true essence of the thread - CLASSIC joke thread... - Maybe all of you "old dogs"  have heard this, but someone has to educate the young pups on here.

Great Joke!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 26, 2009, 04:25:31 AM
You think that ones good ?  Go back and read the other 164 pages.


CAUTION  DO NOT ATTEMPT TO DRINK BEVERAGES WHILE READING THE JOKES !!!!!!!!
unless you LIKE blowing them out your nose  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: JSC3ATLCSO on March 26, 2009, 04:51:54 AM
You think that ones good ?  Go back and read the other 164 pages.


CAUTION  DO NOT ATTEMPT TO DRINK BEVERAGES WHILE READING THE JOKES !!!!!!!!
unless you LIKE blowing them out your nose  ;D


Oh I plan to read the rest of the pages.  I have kept busy tonight at work so I'll have to do that another time. As for drinking while reading.  Back when I was still wet behind the ears (Yesterday) I worked with an older guy I honestly thought was a younger version of my grandfather.  Anyway every time we went on break I swear that he purposely waited until I took a drink before spouting off a one-liner or some other form of dry- but hilarious sense of humor that he had.  I quickly learned to -

1. Never drink anything with carbonation in it. - Fruit Juice = O.K. Water was the best though

and

2. I eventually developed a Jedi-like sense of being able to close off my throat and breath out of my nose.

This has come in quite handy now into my newly dried behind the ears years.  Much less embarassing and messy.  Also the added benifit of not rinsing the backs of your eyeballs, because at least with me, it not only shot out my nose.. it invariably back flushed my tear ducts. (double hurt) 

Definately looking forward to reading the rest of this thread though

J
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on March 26, 2009, 06:34:19 AM
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order.  He said, 'I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards.'
The brand new blonde waitress,  not wanting to appear stupid,  went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires,  a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.   What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?'

'No,'  the cook said.  'Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.'

'Oh, OK!' said the blonde.


She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for, Blondie?'

I LOVE THIS ONE............

She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!'

FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 26, 2009, 09:55:13 AM
aaummmhmmmm  excuuuse me?
The Blond ALWAYS gets even.  ( It would be to your benefit not to ever forget that..  ;) )
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on March 26, 2009, 01:46:21 PM
aaummmhmmmm  excuuuse me?
The Blond ALWAYS gets even.  ( It would be to your benefit not to ever forget that..  ;) )


You've proven that time and time again, Teresa.     ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 26, 2009, 01:50:37 PM
aaummmhmmmm  excuuuse me?
The Blond ALWAYS gets even.  ( It would be to your benefit not to ever forget that..  ;) )


About the new avatar...Ya know if ya leaned forward and the camera angle was wider...................;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 26, 2009, 01:53:03 PM
About the new avatar...Ya know if ya leaned forward and the camera angle was wider...................;D

Yeah, too bad you don't have 'pan-and-scan' capabilities on here or your blood pressure would be off the chart.......wouldn't it?

 ;D  ;D  ;D     :o  :o  :o  :o  :o    ;D  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 26, 2009, 01:55:36 PM
Yeah, too bad you don't have 'pan-and-scan' capabilities on here or your blood pressure would be off the chart.......wouldn't it?

 ;D  ;D  ;D     :o  :o  :o  :o  :o    ;D  ;D  ;D

A little high blood pressure it good for ya.  Cleans out the hoses. ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on March 26, 2009, 02:11:24 PM
About the new avatar...Ya know if ya leaned forward and the camera angle was wider...................;D

I was thinking the same thing!!  Great minds run in the same gutter, I guess.    ;D






If anybody wants Peg, haz or me............we'll be in the corner.      ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 26, 2009, 02:24:32 PM
I was thinking the same thing!!  Great minds run in the same gutter, I guess.    ;D






If anybody wants Peg, haz or me............we'll be in the corner gutter.      ;D

Yes...drinking and playing cards.   8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 26, 2009, 02:34:06 PM
Yes...drinking and playing cards.   8)

I'll bring the rum and poker chips! ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on March 26, 2009, 02:38:05 PM
I'll bring the rum and poker chips! ;D


I'll help you carry my money home afterward.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 26, 2009, 02:42:13 PM

I'll help you carry my money home afterward.

Thanks!  You're a gentleman and and a scholar.  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 26, 2009, 02:43:39 PM

I'll help you carry my Peg's money home afterward.

There......That sounds better.   ;)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 26, 2009, 02:48:11 PM
Well, aren't you both just nice as all get out!

DEAL 'EM!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 26, 2009, 02:52:44 PM
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all his loot in a bucket.
He played poker with Peg,
And lost his nest egg,
So the next hand around he said F*** it.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on March 26, 2009, 04:15:29 PM
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all his loot in a bucket.
He played poker with Peg,
And lost his nest egg,
So the next hand around he said F*** it.




Sorry Peg, but the stock market already beat you to my nest egg.     >:(
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on March 26, 2009, 05:46:11 PM
My wife had to fry our "nest EGG" for breakfast!

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 26, 2009, 08:12:26 PM
QUIT WHINING AND DEAL!



;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on March 27, 2009, 06:42:14 AM
Can't, wife ate the chips.  Guess a good retirement "wasn't in the cards!"

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 27, 2009, 11:29:56 AM
A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised...
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"
He lost 63 pounds that week.

 :o

     
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: long762range on March 27, 2009, 01:27:10 PM
Sven and Ollie had been buddies for many years and one day when they reported for work, they discovered to their distress that their factory was closing on that next Friday.

On Monday we find them both standing in line at the unemployment office, signing up for unemployment payments.

The unemployment clerk said to Sven, "What job did you have?"

Sven said, "I vas a panty sewer. I sewed the elastic on the panties." 
Kinks T-Shirts

"OK," says, the clerk. "I'll set you up for a payment of two hundred dollars per week."

Then she turns to Ollie and says, "And, what job did you have?"

Ollie says, "I vas a diesel fitter."

"Ok," says the clerk, "I'll set you up for a payment of four hundred dollars a week."

"Four Hundred Dollars," yells Sven. "How come he gets four hundred dollars and I only got two hundred dollars?"

"Well," said the clerk, "he is a diesel fitter, that's a much more mechanical job, harder work handling piping and welding and all. So, he gets more money."

"Vhat do you mean," says Sven. " I sew the elastic on the panties, and pulls 'em over his head and says, 'Dese'll fit 'er'." 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on March 27, 2009, 08:40:28 PM
http://www.hulu.com/watch/47604/saturday-night-live-digital-short-j-in-my-pants#s-p1-st-i1 (http://www.hulu.com/watch/47604/saturday-night-live-digital-short-j-in-my-pants#s-p1-st-i1)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 27, 2009, 09:14:22 PM
DOCTOR TOM’S CURE FOR CONSTIPATION

If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, repeat the following phrase three times in succession when symptoms occur:

“My financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Tim Geithner, Rahm Emmanual, Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, and Al Gore.”

If that doesn’t scare the $hit out of you, then you are probably destined to be full of it for the rest of your life.

Caution:   Potential side effects may include immediate nausea and or vomiting.   

Dr. Tom
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 27, 2009, 09:44:55 PM
http://www.hulu.com/watch/47604/saturday-night-live-digital-short-j-in-my-pants#s-p1-st-i1 (http://www.hulu.com/watch/47604/saturday-night-live-digital-short-j-in-my-pants#s-p1-st-i1)

I hate when that happens.  :-[
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: long762range on March 27, 2009, 09:46:04 PM
(http://i22.photobucket.com/albums/b346/long762range/poster-4.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 28, 2009, 02:05:14 PM
And my wife sent this to me....

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on March 28, 2009, 04:54:45 PM
Is it OK to do that at the gun show sometimes?

http://www.hulu.com/watch/47604/saturday-night-live-digital-short-j-in-my-pants#s-p1-st-i1


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fightingquaker13 on March 28, 2009, 07:39:12 PM
Is it OK to do that at the gun show sometimes?

http://www.hulu.com/watch/47604/saturday-night-live-digital-short-j-in-my-pants#s-p1-st-i1



No! No! and Hell No! And if you do it to the Eurotrash sound track the next guy who asks "Can I test fire it?" is probably going to be told "Sure, aim that way".
FQ13
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on April 02, 2009, 04:02:14 PM
New Ice Cream flavor

In honor of the 44th President of the United States, Baskin-Robbins


Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor; "Barocky Road".

Barocky Road is a blend of half-Vanilla, half-Chocolate, and
surrounded by Nuts and Flakes. The Vanilla portion of the mix is
not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient.
The Nuts and Flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.
The cost is $100.00 per scoop.
When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful
cone, but then the Ice Cream is taken away and given to the
person in line behind you.

Thus, you are left with an empty Wallet, no change, holding
an empty cone, with no hope of getting any Ice Cream.


Are you feeling stimulated?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 02, 2009, 04:12:47 PM
Redneck word of the day :  "OBAMA"
           
 
 I BOUGHT ME A CASE OF BEER AND DRANK IT OBAMASELF!   
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on April 02, 2009, 04:16:45 PM
Redneck word of the day :  "OBAMA"
           
 
 I BOUGHT ME A CASE OF BEER AND DRANK IT OBAMASELF!   

That might be what it takes to survive the next 4 years and still maintain one's sanity.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 02, 2009, 11:46:32 PM
In a Seattle, Washington college classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States.

It was pretty simple—the candidate must be a natural-born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair the requirement to be a natural-born citizen.

In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it in, and letting her rant, but everyone’s jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating,
“What makes a natural-born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by 'C-section'?”

 

      Yep, these are the 18-year-olds that just voted and  will reproduce in a few years.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on April 03, 2009, 11:44:02 AM
In a Seattle, Washington college classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States.

It was pretty simple—the candidate must be a natural-born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair the requirement to be a natural-born citizen.

In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it in, and letting her rant, but everyone’s jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating,
“What makes a natural-born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by 'C-section'?”

 

      Yep, these are the 18-year-olds that just voted and  will reproduce in a few years.



Haz, please accept my apologies in advance for borrowing your image, but damn!!!

(http://i125.photobucket.com/albums/p78/hazcater/Fun%20Stuff/WTFCatPicCute.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: shooter32 on April 03, 2009, 11:46:13 AM

Haz, please accept my apologies in advance for borrowing your image, but damn!!!

(http://i125.photobucket.com/albums/p78/hazcater/Fun%20Stuff/WTFCatPicCute.jpg)

+100

It is a great pic.. It say's it all ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on April 03, 2009, 01:55:07 PM
tt11758,

I stole it from somewhere so, help yeself to it!  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on April 03, 2009, 03:11:26 PM
tt11758,

I stole it from somewhere so, help yeself to it!  ;D


Does your generosity know NO bounds?!?   Got any spare clips I can borrow?     















;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on April 03, 2009, 03:14:29 PM

Does your generosity know NO bounds?!?   Got any spare clips I can borrow?    















;D

Here ya go  (note you may soon need them!)

http://www.teleflexmedical.com/cat_cvt_clips.php




;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on April 03, 2009, 04:17:12 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MGx-3t8CJ-k
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on April 03, 2009, 04:38:25 PM
It's never a bad time for chocolate.
(http://i703.photobucket.com/albums/ww40/BigCheeseStick/fc49306d97602c8ed1be1dfbf0835ead.jpg?t=1238794640)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 04, 2009, 08:56:44 PM
Fruit flasher.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 04, 2009, 09:00:35 PM
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite..

He throws the kite up in the air.

The wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.

He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,

Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband,

'You need a piece of tail.'

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,

'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 04, 2009, 09:55:51 PM
Truth is stranger than........


 :o

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 04, 2009, 10:25:48 PM
He should have hired a man, not a Maus.  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on April 05, 2009, 04:26:43 AM
BOO, HISSSSS, BOOOO, HISSS!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on April 05, 2009, 09:30:03 AM
He should have hired a man, not a Maus.  ;)


***GROAN!**********





;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 05, 2009, 06:58:52 PM
I reckon size does matter.......... sometimes..........   :o   :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 05, 2009, 07:03:15 PM
What kind of clothes to wear when the little woman has chores lined up for you.......
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: CDR on April 05, 2009, 07:11:15 PM
A classic joke.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 05, 2009, 08:58:30 PM
There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing.

He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank goodness you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.






And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

I'll pray for you!

 ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on April 06, 2009, 11:45:23 AM
A classic joke.

More like a sick joke.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 06, 2009, 02:56:49 PM
IRS Audit


The IRS sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue.  The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi..  "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer.  So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases?  What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.  "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS ."
"To the IRS ?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.









"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to The IRS ...And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 06, 2009, 07:19:59 PM
With apologies to the women folk.......this was just too darned funny...


An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells "You dang fool; you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You dang fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the       unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It's a pus*y willow."

Old man says "Wait up ... I'll get my hat."

 ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: long762range on April 07, 2009, 11:14:26 AM
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls for his grandson to approach the bed, “Lissin a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome-plated .38-caliber revolver so you will always remember me.”
The grandson smiles weakly and replies, “But Grandpa, I really doana lika guns. Howzabout you leava me you ROLEX watch instead?”

Gasping for air, the old man answers with a snarl in his voice, “Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business. You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home, and maybea a couple of bambinos.”

After a slight pause to catch his breath he continues, “Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then…pointa to your watch and say ‘Time’s up?’”
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on April 07, 2009, 11:17:25 AM
(http://i384.photobucket.com/albums/oo283/tsbevins/Dirt.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 07, 2009, 01:44:44 PM
Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Seamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Seamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!'

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Seamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 08, 2009, 09:47:46 AM
 The economy is so bad:
 

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

 Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.

 Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

 Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfeizer and Citigroup.

 PETA serves chicken wings at their meetings

 McDonalds is selling the 1/4- ouncer.

 People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

 A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico ..

 The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

 Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

 People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

 Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US ?"

 Motel Six won't leave the light on.

 The Mafia is laying off judges.
 
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. So, the guy that made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 08, 2009, 10:17:16 AM
98-year-old Mother Superior from  Ireland
was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make
her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her
some warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to
the kitchen and remembering a bottle of
Irish Whiskey received as a gift the
previous Christmas, she opened it and
poured a generous amount into the warm
milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held
the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little,
then a little more and before they knew
it, she had drank the whole glass down to
the last drop.

"Mother," asked the nuns with earnest,
"please give us some wisdom before you die."

 She raised herself up in bed and said,
"Don't sell that cow." :D :D :D ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on April 09, 2009, 02:47:11 PM


Fifty Years of Math 1957 - 2007 (in the USA )

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $ 2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters , but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )

6. Teaching Math In 2010

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on April 09, 2009, 02:54:02 PM
Badger.....................................


Where's the joke?





 :'( for my country.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: mudman on April 09, 2009, 03:08:21 PM
Here we go,there we went,here we are ,eatin sh#t sandwiches & barking at the moon.     ;D :o ::) ::) ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on April 09, 2009, 04:07:49 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1cgHEWG-BA&feature=dir
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on April 09, 2009, 05:43:24 PM
Dear friends,

I received this medical tip from a dear friend [not a physician]; I thought it might help you, too.

If you're bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, repeat the following phrase three times in succession when symptoms occur:  "My financial and personal well-being are totally in the hands of Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Tim Geithner, Rahm Emmanual, Barney Frank, Chris Dodd and Al Gore."
 
If that doesn't scare the shit out of you, then you are probably in need of dynamite!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on April 09, 2009, 05:48:34 PM
Dear friends,

I received this medical tip from a dear friend [not a physician]; I thought it might help you, too.

If you're bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, repeat the following phrase three times in succession when symptoms occur:  "My financial and personal well-being are totally in the hands of Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Tim Geithner, Rahm Emmanual, Barney Frank, Chris Dodd and Al Gore."
 
If that doesn't scare the shit out of you, then you are probably in need of dynamite!


Haz, where's the joke?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on April 09, 2009, 05:50:38 PM
Haz, where's the joke?


HEY!  That's MY line!



;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on April 09, 2009, 05:52:06 PM
HEY!  That's MY line!



;D


You missed your cue, so SOMEBODY had to step in and utter it.       ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on April 09, 2009, 05:55:26 PM

You missed your cue, so SOMEBODY had to step in and utter it.       ;D

Well, I never was much good at pool. 

Thats right POOL, that starts with a 'P' and rhymes with "t" and that stands for trouble!  Right here in Rivercity...............


;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on April 09, 2009, 06:03:15 PM
REASONS TO DATE A SHOOTER


Rifle:
-We actually practice wearing leather
-We have stamina to keep shooting and shooting and shooting and shooting....
-Mine are 6in and 10in, would you like one, the other, or both?
it's detachable, so you can change your mind later
-Have you ever heard of a butt hook?
-We're used to 20min for prone, 30min for kneeling, and 40min for standing. 30min for sitting (for USA shooting)
-Our whole purpose in life is to put it in the same hole again, and again, and again, and again, and again...and again
-We're perfectly willing to be strapped to something
-We have very steady hands
-We have quick trigger fingers
-We're used to doing things under a time frame
-Standard length is 26in
-We can adjust anything you need or possibly want- and then some, so it's ok to just tell us how to do it
- We do it for hours on end.
- We're hot no matter what time of the year it is.
-We have stiffness tests regularly
- We have great rhythm
- our guns are so big, we need standing to hold them up when we aren't using them
-No matter how bad the day, we still score.
- during finals, we like it loud as possible
-We always keep our equipment well lubricated

Pistol:
-We do rapid fire
- Short but fast
- We're good without a bunch of equipment
-We do precision and rapid fire; whichever you like.
-we can shoot 5 shots in 4 seconds
-We do it with one hand
- Did anyone ever tell you, good things come in small packages?

Shotgun:
- We like things fast
- We're used to things shooting out fast
- Skeet Skeet!... enough said.
- We won't mount until things start going
- We move into different positions after every shot (trap) or every few shots (skeet), so nothing gets boring- we're all for change
- We can hit more than one target at one go when asked
-On a good day we get at least twenty birds. On a bad day, at least 10.
-we have good spread pattern
-we never fire blanks
-we always love to have a bang

Fullbore:
-we like to do it outdoors whatever the weather
-Standard length is 30 inches
-We can score from over 1000 yards away
-Some times it involves three people at once
-We have about 5000 joules worth of power in our hands
-We let other people touch our weapons and twiddle our knobs
-We have no problem with being submissive and letting others do the thinking
-We also like to change roles
-We have a target numbered 69
-When we do it we do if for a whole weekend, ALL weekend

Benchrest:
-the slight touch sets us off
-we will go to great lengths to be accurate
- we're all for new toys
-no need to feel ashamed for being small, we enjoy the challenge!
-with our optics, no matter how small we will find it
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 09, 2009, 11:39:59 PM
A guy is driving around the back woods of  Louisiana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down Cajun cabin:   "Talking Dog for  Sale ."

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. 

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks. 

'Yep,' the Beagle replies. 

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' 

The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.  I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the US Army Special Forces.  You know the reputation of them Green Berets.'  In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.  I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger.  So, I decided to settle down.  I retired from the Army and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in  I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.  I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' 

The guy is amazed.  He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 

'Ten dollars,' the guy says. 

'Ten dollars?  This dog is amazing!  Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 

'Because he's such a bullshitter. He never did any of that stuff. He was in the Navy!   
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 10, 2009, 12:13:16 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MApJnyk1PV8
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: hollandm on April 10, 2009, 10:45:31 PM
Just in
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on April 11, 2009, 02:32:01 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MApJnyk1PV8

That was awsome!  The asian guy was even like.  "Yeah, you go crazy hill billy!  You got it!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on April 11, 2009, 02:54:00 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MApJnyk1PV8

haha   reminds me of this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ntQ9Axb4wSg
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 11, 2009, 09:50:01 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-jqEj1Hvnc
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 13, 2009, 07:03:42 PM
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.
The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.       
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the proof.     
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Chipper!'.                 
The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.           
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiippppp. 
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Chipper!'
Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!'
A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip.
This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Chipper, get away from her, before she shits on you!'



                 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on April 14, 2009, 03:21:08 PM
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. 

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. 
 
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola (makers of Mountain Dew) as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. 
 
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: mudman on April 14, 2009, 05:01:35 PM
R O F L ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 14, 2009, 10:52:52 PM
"Engineering" ...
 

All engineers probably already know this.
The final paragraph tells all, but your understanding of it will depend on the earlier part of the content.
                                 
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceptionally odd number.
 
Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England and English expatriates built the US railroads.
 
Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
 
Why did "they" use that gauge?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used
that wheel spacing.
 
Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
 
So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
 
And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match, for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since
the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel-spacing. Therefore, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.
 
Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a Specification, Procedure or Process and wonder "What horse's ass came up with it?" you may
be exactly right.
 
Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends or rear ends of two war horses.
(Two horses' asses.)

Now, the twist to the story.
 
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are Solid Rocket Boosters or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah.
The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains and the Solid Rocket Boosters had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important?

Ancient horse's asses still control almost everything.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 14, 2009, 10:57:26 PM
Cure for Snoring?

A couple has a dog that snores.
Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
She doesn't believe it for a minute, but that night, a few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual.
The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.
Muttering to herself that she'll try anything to shut that dog up, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.
Sure enough, the dog stops snoring!
The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies.
He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly.
The woman thinks maybe the ribbon trick might work on him, too, so she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it also works on him!
She got the best sleep she had had in months.
Early the next morning, her husband awakens from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom.
As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were, or, what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on April 15, 2009, 06:25:01 AM
Illegal Immigrant's Poem



I cross ocean, poor and broke,
Take bus, see employment folk.

Nice man treat me good in there,
Say I need to see welfare.

Welfare say, "You come no more,
We send cash right to your door."

Welfare checks, they make you wealthy,
Medicare it keep you healthy!

By and by, I got plenty money,
Thanks to you, Australian Dummy.

Write to friends in motherland,
Tell them 'come fast as you can.'

They come in turbans and Ford trucks,
I buy big house with welfare bucks

They come here, we live together,
More welfare checks, it gets better!

Fourteen families, they moving in,
But neighbour's patience wearing thin.

Finally, white guy moves away,
Now I buy his house, and then I say,
"Find more aliens for house to rent."
And in the yard I put a tent.

Send for family they just trash,
But they, too, draw the welfare cash!

Everything is very good,
And soon we own the neighbourhood.

We have hobby?  it's called breeding,
Welfare pay for baby feeding.

Kids need dentist? Wife need pills?
We get free! We got no bills!
Australian crazy! He pay all year,
To keep welfare running here.

We think Australia 'darn good place!
Too darn good for the white man race.
If they no like us, they can scram,
Got lots of room in Pakistan.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on April 15, 2009, 07:12:34 AM
Where's the 'funny', Phil?

 ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on April 15, 2009, 07:38:22 AM
Where's the 'funny', Phil?

 ;)


It would be funny if it wasn't True
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on April 15, 2009, 08:07:41 AM
For Things You Will Only See Once In a Lifetime

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FUBfXR019dU&feature=related
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on April 15, 2009, 12:29:22 PM


BEER BY SEVEN YEAR OLDS

A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What do you think of beer ?' Some interesting responses, the last one being especially funny.

'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old

'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.'
--Mellanie, 7 years old

'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
--Grady, 7 years old

'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years old

'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old

'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks,the better he dances..... One time he danced right into the pool.'
--Lilly, 7 years old

'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old

'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years old

'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
--Jack, 7 years old
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on April 15, 2009, 12:34:11 PM
Defense Attorney:
> Will you please state your age?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> I am 86 years old.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April
> 1st?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm
> spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and
> sat down beside me..
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Did you know him?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> No, but he sure was friendly.
>
> Little Old Lady:
> He started to rub my thigh.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Did you stop him?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> No, I didn't stop him.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Why not?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years
> ago.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> What happened next?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> He began to rub my breasts.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Did you stop him then?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> No, I did not stop him.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Why not?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that
> good in years!
>
> Defense Attorney:
> What happened next?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told
> him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"
> Did he take you?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the
> little bastard.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on April 15, 2009, 02:22:21 PM
Too funny!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on April 15, 2009, 10:05:16 PM
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

A. Lovemaking.

B. Screwing.

C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

 

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.

B. Your blood-test results.

C. Five tequila slammers.

 

3. You time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first.

B. You both climax simultaneously.

C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

 

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play.

B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.

C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.

 

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:

A. The best part of the experience.

B. The second best part of the experience.

C. $100 extra.

 

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month.

You tell her that it is:

A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.

B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.

C. A conservative estimate.

 

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

A. A myth.

B. An oxymoron.

C. A moron.

 

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

A. An appetizer is to entree.

B. Primer is to paint.

C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

 

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

A. I hope we can still be friends.

B. I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.

C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.

 

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.

B. Is uptight and a waste of time.

C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

 Evaluating Results:

 

If you answered A more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.

If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy.    You're a little confused.

If you answered C more than 7 times,  Congrats    ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on April 16, 2009, 04:42:34 PM
 
Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to
forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was
overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to
reassure him, "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first
doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,
"Howard. You're a veterinarian."...

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 16, 2009, 04:58:06 PM
You have a sick sense of humor, Red.......I like that.... welcome......welcome.......welcome...you've found your home here....... ;D

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: shooter32 on April 16, 2009, 05:01:56 PM
You have a sick sense of humor, Red.......I like that.... welcome......welcome.......welcome...you've found your home here....... ;D


She must of grew up with brothers ;D 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 16, 2009, 10:21:30 PM
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: twyacht on April 17, 2009, 05:25:57 PM
I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when
she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of
her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her,
'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do? '
She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'
Her parents beamed.
'Wow...what a worthy goal. I told her, ' But you don't have to wait
until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and
mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll
take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you
can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house. '
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight
in the eye and asked, ' Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the
work, and you can just pay him the $50? '
I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'
Her parents still aren't speaking to me.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on April 18, 2009, 06:07:58 PM
a variety of humour designed to offend some of the pantywaists who seem to enjoy complaining. I hope that i have offended most of the religious and ethnic groups in the country



The Aisle Seat


Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a
window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.... Just before
takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine
kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in
the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.'


'Don't 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in
it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks
good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch
it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and
spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.


As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and
knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab
neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on;
this fighting between our nations, this hatred, this animosity, this
spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes? 



- -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Subject: You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....


1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5 You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines. '

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.







Hwy I-90 is to be closed for the week in south dakota to allow for the passage of a 200 ton lump of coal to be transferred to mount rushmore so that obama might be case among the other presidents


Let's Offend Everybody!



Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?

A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.


Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A. A different bar....


Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?

A. Sum Ting Wong ..


Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A. A speech impediment.


Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?

A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.


Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.


Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.


Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?

A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'


Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???

A. A northern fairytale begins ....'once upon a time...'


A southern fairytale begins ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'


Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States .

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blond female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?”

Not one hand went up … so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Men never learn.

2. Blondes aren’t as dumb as most men think.

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.

Her business has gone bust and she’s in dire financial straits.

She’s desperate so she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray… ‘God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well.

Please let me win the lottery.’

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays… ‘God, please let me win the lottery! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well.’

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays… ‘My God,20why have you forsaken me? I’ve lost my business, my house and my car.

I don’t often ask You for help and I’ve always been a good servant to You.

PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.’

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.

The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself….

‘Sweetheart, work with Me on this one …. Buy a ticket!

The World's Shortest Books







THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan
Illustrated by Michael Moore
________________________ ________________



MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
________________________ _______________



THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
________________________ ________

Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
________________________ ___________

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden
________________________ ___________

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates

________________________ ____________

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman

________________________ _________


THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry

________________________ _______________

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

________________________ ___________

A COLLECTION of

MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J Kevorkian

________________________ __________

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen deGeneres & Rosie O'Donnel

________________________ ____________
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson

________________________ __________
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
________________________ _______________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O.J. Simpson
________________________ _________________

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
by Ted Kennedy
________________________ ___________

MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson
*******************************************************

AND, JUST ADDED:
Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!

By Nancy Pelosi




Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control
your anger?

Wife says: I clean the toilet.

Husband says: How does that help?

Wife says: I use your Toothbrush.....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: m25operator on April 18, 2009, 07:11:30 PM
Phil we have to so not quit meeting like this, Ha, ha, ha, hope the drinks and birthday went well. ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: 1911 Junkie on April 19, 2009, 08:08:06 PM
A mom asks her little girl what she would like for her birthday.
The little girl says,"I want a Barbie and a G.I.Joe".
The mom says,"honey, I think you're confused. Barbie comes with Ken, not G.I.Joe".
Little girl replies,"No mommy, Barbie comes with G.I.Joe, she just fakes it with Ken".
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on April 19, 2009, 08:30:13 PM
Phil we have to so not quit meeting like this, Ha, ha, ha, hope the drinks and birthday went well. ;D

hehe that would be fun   ;D


yea Mate everything went well,   
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on April 19, 2009, 08:31:19 PM
hahahah   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAwnJDWF3Mc   get one back on Telemarketers
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on April 19, 2009, 09:46:13 PM
hahahah   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAwnJDWF3Mc   get one back on Telemarketers

Is it just me, or does that guy look like Haz ?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on April 19, 2009, 10:23:35 PM
Is it just me, or does that guy look like Haz ?

nope

it is not just you hehe   ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on April 20, 2009, 07:44:17 AM
Is it just me, or does that guy look like Haz ?

Naaa, he has more hair.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 20, 2009, 02:06:17 PM
5 NUNS IN A BAR

Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances, & Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July. It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable, they decided to stop in at Patty McGuire's Pub for a cold soft drink.

Patty had recently added special le gs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door

They, too, came for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw.



GIVE US A SENSE OF HUMOR LORD,
GIVE US THE GRACE TO SEE A JOKE,
TO GET SOME HUMOR OUT OF LIFE,
AND PASS IT ON TO OTHER FOLK.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on April 20, 2009, 09:35:00 PM
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you
doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years
old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a
shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f... are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my
son-in-law.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on April 21, 2009, 12:08:46 AM
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a White Trash Biker are
all walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the
Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land
to be forever fertile in Canada '

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever
fertile for farming.


Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine
, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into
our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around
those countries.



The Biker says, 'I am very curious.

Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and
completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually
impenetrable.'

The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and
says,



 'Fill it with water.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 21, 2009, 03:49:21 PM
This flash news report just in from the AP wire...........


Lexington, KY - 
The Lexington Police Department reports finding a man's body in the Kentucky river just west of the Clays Ferry Bridge.
The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a strap-on dildo, and an Obama t-shirt. 
He also had a cucumber stuffed up his rectum.
Police removed the Obama t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: True_Texan on April 21, 2009, 11:02:46 PM
Texas Aggie Mortician:

A man who just died is delivered to a College Station mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The Aggie mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the Aggie presents her with the blank check.

"There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."



"So I just switched the heads."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: True_Texan on April 21, 2009, 11:11:40 PM
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine, beer, or liquor...and even those who don't!
 

 

As Ben Franklin said:

'In wine there is wisdom.
In beer there is freedom
In water there is bacteria.'


In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would
have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria
found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.



However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum,
whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification
process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.


Remember:

Water = Poop,

Wine = Health.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water
and be full of sh!t.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:


I'm doing it as a public service.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 21, 2009, 11:24:22 PM
Barack Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head.

In sheer panic he called his doctor and told him of his problem.

The doctor arrived immediately.

After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Barack, and told him to drink it all.

Barack drank the concoction, and instantly feeling better he declared "That tasted like shit!"
                 
The doctor replied, 'It was, you were a quart low.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: True_Texan on April 21, 2009, 11:27:30 PM
               
The doctor replied, 'It was, you were a quart low.'


That is just too damn funny! :D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on April 22, 2009, 07:00:26 AM
True_Texan...I posted this a while back.  Thought I'd post it again for you now!

Why does the chicken cross the road in Texas?

To prove to the armadillo that it can be done!


FWIW

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Texas_Bryan on April 22, 2009, 07:48:02 AM
True_Texan...I posted this a while back.  Thought I'd post it again for you now!

Why does the chicken cross the road in Texas?

To prove to the armadillo that it can be done!


FWIW

Richard

Those poor armadillos, be careful, they're the official small animal, rodent, of Texas.  But the next chicken I see crossing the road is dead, they've been warned.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: True_Texan on April 22, 2009, 10:13:24 AM
LOL... That's great!

Got kind of a offensive one I suppose, but it goes along with the armadillo.

Why did God create the armadillo?

So mexicans could have something on the half-shell too!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on April 22, 2009, 10:16:06 AM
The southern version of that joke is "to show the opossum that it can be done".
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 22, 2009, 11:45:28 AM
The southern version of that joke reality is "to show the opossum that it can be done".

Now, that's better.





 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MinotBob on April 23, 2009, 12:41:37 AM
Hillbilly Vasectomy



After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative, ' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'


'2'


'3'


'4'


'5'


(you'll love this..)


At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Alabama , Georgia , Florida , Texas , West Virginia ....and Washington DC .
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: brosometal on April 23, 2009, 01:39:32 AM
Hillbilly Vasectomy



After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative, ' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'


'2'


'3'


'4'


'5'


(you'll love this..)


At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Alabama , Georgia , Florida , Texas , West Virginia ....and Washington DC .

I'm not sure but I think I have just been insulted... Haz what's the deal set me strait.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on April 23, 2009, 05:47:49 AM
I'm not sure but I think I have just been insulted... Haz what's the deal set me strait.

My Dad lived in Hudson, and once you got off Hwy 19 and went east a little, you saw the tin-roof shacks on stone pillars with 2-12 dead cars in the front yard.

Sound familiar, Bros?   ;D

Glad to have you back. Went throught hat whole "reload Windows" act a gazillion times when my younger son was downloading so much stuff (including the real porn) that windows had no room for its massive swap file. Instead of Windows telling me nicely, I got the blue screen of death.

I've hated Gates ever since he refused to respond tot he claim that he developed his original software on U of NM computers - funded by DoD, and therefore public domain. He then called all of the computer hobbyists "thieves".
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on April 23, 2009, 06:42:55 AM
bro...you can only be insulted if you want to be otherwise you can laugh with the rest of us.  Bet that guy can't count to 11 anymore!!!!!!!

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on April 23, 2009, 08:05:41 AM
I'm not sure but I think I have just been insulted... Haz what's the deal set me strait.

I don't know....looks the the donkey is still laughing so I think it's OK.  ;)


;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 23, 2009, 11:48:39 AM
Dear Mr. President:

Please find below my suggestion for fixing Americas economy.

Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.

You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:


There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force.

Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:


1) They MUST retire. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

2) They MUST buy a new American CAR. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.


It can't get any easier than that!

If more money is needed, have all members of Congress pay their taxes...

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on April 23, 2009, 12:01:28 PM
Dear Mr. President:

Please find below my suggestion for fixing Americas economy.

Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.

You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:


There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force.

Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:


1) They MUST retire. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

2) They MUST buy a new American CAR. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.


It can't get any easier than that!

If more money is needed, have all members of Congress pay their taxes...



Count me in!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on April 23, 2009, 01:01:06 PM
Sorry guys....

thats $40,000,000,000,000.00 dollars....(40 trillion)...we don't have enough money....I got five bucks in my pocket if anyone needs it...

1,000,000 x 40,000,000 = 40,000,000,000,000   :'(
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 23, 2009, 01:06:06 PM
Sorry guys....

thats $40,000,000,000,000.00 dollars....(40 trillion)...we don't have enough money....I got five bucks in my pocket if anyone needs it...

1,000,000 x 40,000,000 = 40,000,000,000,000   :'(

Hell it was worth a try........... besides, I just got it in an email...........

which is why it ended up in the joke area.........


I ain't old enough to collect anyway....

damn.... :'(



 ;D  ;D

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 23, 2009, 02:24:43 PM
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town.
The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."
They then decided they both would walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.
So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey.   
As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.



The moral of the story?



If you try to please everyone, you might as well... Kiss your ass goodbye!

 
Have A Nice Day & Be Careful With Your Donkey   ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on April 23, 2009, 02:37:57 PM




If you try to please everyone, you might as well... Kiss your ass goodbye!

 
Have A Nice Day & Be Careful With Your Donkey   ;)

Don't worry Brosometal, we like haveing you around.  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 23, 2009, 05:43:52 PM
There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.
He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do.'
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.
Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'
Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. So THAT'S the girl I want!'.
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of me. She will get the disease that I just caught. When mom and dad get back, dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when dad gets home from the babysitters, he and mom will go to bed and have sex, and mom will catch it. In the morning when dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with mom and catch the disease...and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my frog."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 23, 2009, 06:45:12 PM
I'm not sure who this woman is, but she claims that she knows some of you guys.............


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: 1911 Junkie on April 23, 2009, 06:56:29 PM
She's exagerating. :'(
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 23, 2009, 07:02:34 PM
She's exagerating. :'(

(http://www.smileyx.com/smilies/2erOBh1.gif)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 23, 2009, 07:34:24 PM
Is she referring to length or width?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on April 23, 2009, 08:17:30 PM
She's married...I don't play with married women, except my wife.

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on April 23, 2009, 10:29:15 PM
She's married...I don't play with married worme, except my wife.

Richard

Well I hope your wife doesn't find out about the single ones :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on April 23, 2009, 10:53:00 PM
  Ewwwww....



 
Do you know what the worst part of having a lung transplant is?

Knowing that the first couple of times you cough that the phlegm isn't yours.

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 23, 2009, 11:08:44 PM
 

Do you know what the worst part of having a lung transplant is?

Knowing that the first couple of times you cough that the phlegm isn't yours.


Ewwwww....

 

Had to move the EWWWWWW part.....  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on April 24, 2009, 09:41:26 AM
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM ON A BUDGET :

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:  "Hey? Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour.  Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad.  I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

P.S. I locked all four of 'em in the house, so ya'll better wait outside."

INSTALLATION COMPLETE!!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 24, 2009, 11:00:31 AM
Don't forget the REALLY large dog turds formed from Bondo and left around the yard  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: True_Texan on April 24, 2009, 02:19:33 PM
Hope some of these are new to y'all:

(http://i108.photobucket.com/albums/n33/tripled_k/ATT00034.jpg)

(http://i108.photobucket.com/albums/n33/tripled_k/ATT00037.jpg)

(http://i108.photobucket.com/albums/n33/tripled_k/ATT00040.jpg)

(http://i108.photobucket.com/albums/n33/tripled_k/ATT00043.jpg)

(http://i108.photobucket.com/albums/n33/tripled_k/ATT00049.jpg)

(http://i108.photobucket.com/albums/n33/tripled_k/ATT00055.jpg)

(http://i108.photobucket.com/albums/n33/tripled_k/ATT00061.jpg)

(http://i108.photobucket.com/albums/n33/tripled_k/ATT00067.jpg)

Lastly:
(http://i108.photobucket.com/albums/n33/tripled_k/ATT00019.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on April 24, 2009, 02:23:59 PM

(http://i108.photobucket.com/albums/n33/tripled_k/ATT00043.jpg)

[

I WANT ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: mudman on April 24, 2009, 02:40:38 PM
U P S Dummy Buster ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on April 24, 2009, 03:32:57 PM
Hope some of these are new to y'all:

(http://i108.photobucket.com/albums/n33/tripled_k/ATT00034.jpg)

(http://i108.photobucket.com/albums/n33/tripled_k/ATT00037.jpg)

(http://i108.photobucket.com/albums/n33/tripled_k/ATT00040.jpg)

(http://i108.photobucket.com/albums/n33/tripled_k/ATT00043.jpg)

(http://i108.photobucket.com/albums/n33/tripled_k/ATT00049.jpg)

(http://i108.photobucket.com/albums/n33/tripled_k/ATT00055.jpg)

(http://i108.photobucket.com/albums/n33/tripled_k/ATT00061.jpg)

(http://i108.photobucket.com/albums/n33/tripled_k/ATT00067.jpg)

Lastly:
(http://i108.photobucket.com/albums/n33/tripled_k/ATT00019.jpg)

How about "Annoy a Liberal......Work Hard & Be Happy!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on April 25, 2009, 05:52:27 PM
A guy
orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it
down the bar. It hits the blond woman's boobs and splashes
all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug
and licks the beer off her boobs.

Each time the guy
calls for another beer this happens. So after his third
beer, he decides to help the bartender out. The next time
the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to
lick her breasts and she decks him!

He is laying on
the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady... Why do you let the
bartender do it?'

'Duh,' says the blond, 'He has a
licker license!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: blackwolfe on April 26, 2009, 02:26:59 AM
Haven't kept up with the joke thread, so I don't know if this has been posted before.  I stole it from another forum.
The 11th Husband

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The 11th Husband....

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be
gentle; I'm still a virgin'.

'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married
ten times.?'

'Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how
great it was going to be.

'Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it
was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with
me.

'Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked
out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

'Husband # 4 was in telemarketing;even though he knew he had the order,
he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

'Husband # 5 was an Engineer,he understood the basic process but he
wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of
the-art method.

'Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he
wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

'Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never
sure how to position it.

'Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

'Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

'Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........
God I miss him.

' But now that I've married you, I'm so excited'.

'Wonderful', said the husband, 'but why?

'You're with the 'GOVERNMENT'...
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED for sure.'
__________________
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 26, 2009, 07:00:45 PM
LADY'S YEARLY EXAM                                                                           
                                                                                             
Went to the doctor for my yearly physical.                                                   
                                                                                             
The nurse starts with certain basics.                                                       
                                                                                             
How much do you weigh?' she asks. '135,' I say.                                             
The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.                               
                                                                                             
The nurse asks, 'Your height?' '5 foot 4,' I say.                                           
The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'2'.                                         
                                                                                             
She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.                               
'Of course it's high!' I scream, 'When I came in here I was tall and                         
slender! Now I'm short and fat!'                                                             
                                                                                             
She put me on Prozac. What a bitch.           

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;) :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on April 27, 2009, 01:07:44 PM
GOTTA LOVE THIS GUY!!!!!!!


Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,

And every year Morris would say,

'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied,

'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars,

And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,

'Esther, I'm 85 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied,

'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty
dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you
can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a
penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,

'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed!'

Morris replied,

'Well, to tell you the truth,

I almost said something when Esther fell out,

But you know,

fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 27, 2009, 03:34:59 PM
News Flash:

The US Navy has stated that the Navy seals could have acted faster and rescued the captain of the Maersk Alabama last week, but had to wait until the White House could confirm that none of the pirates were related to Obama.


Also. now available....new Somali Pirate hats.......
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 27, 2009, 06:28:02 PM
Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome sagebrush prairie
 and with the pride for which these men were famous; it was a night of bravado, a night
 of tall tales...
 
Tom, the hand from Wyoming says, 'I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy
 there is.
 Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men
 before I wrestled  it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and
 castrated that sucker with my teeth.'
 
Ben from Colorado, couldn't stand to be bested..
 That's nothing, 'I was walking down the trail yesterday and a
 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move
 for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head,
 and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn't even get a belly ache.
 
Old Jerry, the cowboy from Texas remained silent,
 slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on April 28, 2009, 06:34:35 AM
News Flash:

The US Navy has stated that the Navy seals could have acted faster and rescued the captain of the Maersk Alabama last week, but had to wait until the White House could confirm that none of the pirates were related to Obama.


Also. now available....new Somali Pirate hats.......



 
 
I found a Somali cruise package that departs from Sawakin (in the Sudan ) and docks at Bagamoya (in Tanzania ).  The cost is a bit high @ US$800 per  day per person double occupancy.
What I found enticing is that the cruise company is encouraging people to bring their 'High powered weapons' along on the cruise. If you don't have weapons you can rent them right there on the boat. They claim to have a master gunsmith on board and will have reloading parties every afternoon. The cruise lasts from 4-8 days and nights and costs a maximum of $3200 per person double occupancy (4 days).
All the boat does is sail up and down the coast of Somalia waiting to get hijacked by pirates. Here are some of the costs and claims associated with the package.
$800.00 US/per day double occupancy (4 day max billing)
M-16 full auto rental $ 25.00/day ammo at 100 rounds of 5.56 armor piercing ammo at 15.95
Ak-47 riffle @ No charge. ammo at 100 rounds of 7.62 com block ball ammo at 14.95
Barrett M-107 50 cal sniper riffle rental 55.00/day ammo at 25 rounds 50 cal armor piercing at 9.95
Crew members can double as spotters for 30.00 per hour (spotting scope included).
They even offer RPG's at 75 bucks and 200 dollars for 3 standard loads
"Everyone gets use of free complimentary night vision equipment and coffee and snacks on the top deck from 7pm-6am."
Meals are not included but seem reasonable.
Most cruises offer a mini-bar... these gung ho entrepreneurs offer......... get this.....
"MOUNTED MINIGUN AVAILABLE @ 450.00 per 30 seconds of sustained fire"
Sign my ass up!
They advertise group rates and corporate discounts.......and even claim "FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY"
They even offer a partial money back if not satisfied....here's some text from the ad.
"We guarantee that you will experience at least two hijacking attempts by pirates or we will refund back half your money including gun rental charges and any unused ammo (mini gun charges not included).. How can we guarantee you will experience a hijacking? We operate at 5 knots within 12 miles of the coast of Somalia . If an attempted Hijacking does not occur we will turn the boat around and cruise by at 4 knots. We will repeat this for up to 8 days making three passes a day along the entire length of Somalia .  At night the boat is fully lit and bottle rockets are shot off at intervals and loud disco music beamed shore side to attract attention. Cabin space is limited so respond quickly. Reserve your package before April 29 and get 100 rounds of free tracer ammo in the caliber of your choice.."

As if all that isn't enough to whet your appetite, there were a few testimonials
"I got three confirmed kills on my last trip. I'LL never hunt big game in Africa again. I felt like the Komandant in Schindlers list!"---- Lars , Hamburg Germany

"Six attacks in 4 days was more than I expected. I bagged three pirates and my 12 yr old son sank two rowboats with the minigun. PIRATES 0 -PASSENGERS-32! Well worth the trip. Just make sure your spotter speaks English"
----Ned, Salt Lake city , Utah USA

"I haven't had this much fun since flying choppers in NAM . Don't worry about getting shot by pirates as they never even got close to the ship with those weapons they use and their shitty aim--reminds me of a drunken 'juicer' door gunner we picked up from the motor pool back in Nam "
----"chopper' Dan, Toledo USA .
"Like ducks in a barrel. Saw one wounded pirate eaten by sharks--what a riot!! This is a must do.
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 28, 2009, 01:00:01 PM
The most powerful politician in the world is Black. 
 
The head of the Republican National Committee is Black.

The best known media mogul on earth is Black.

The greatest golfer in the world is Black.

The top female tennis players in the world are Black.

The highest grossing actor worldwide is Black.

The brightest Astrophysicist under the sun is Black.

The Superbowl-winning Head Coach is Black.

The most successful brain surgeon in the world is Black.

The fastest human (in the 100 meters) on the planet is Black.....................................................


Michael Jackson must really be kicking himself in the ass right about now.   
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 28, 2009, 01:02:30 PM
Wisdom Of A Retired Engineer:

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?'

Well.....I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Bourbon, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 28, 2009, 03:44:04 PM
Three Norwegians from the Upper Midwest go down to Mexico to

celebrate college graduation.

 

They get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be

executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they

did  the night before.

 

The first one, Sven, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked

if  he has any last words.   He says, 'I yust graduated from St. Olaf

College  in Northfield Minnesota and believe in the almighty power of

God to  intervene on the behalf of the innocent.'

 

They throw the switch and  nothing happens.

 

The Mexicans all immediately fall to the floor on their knees; beg

for Sven's forgiveness, and release him.

 

The second, Lars, is strapped in and gives his
 last words, 'I yust

graduated from the Concordia College in Moorhead Minnesota and I

believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the

innocent.'

 

They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens.  Again, they all

immediately fall to their knees; beg for his forgiveness,  and

release him.

 

The last one, Ole, is strapped in and says, 'Vell, I'm from the 

University of Nort' Dakota in Grand Forks and yust graduated with a

degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now,  ya

ain't  gonna electrocute nobody if ya don't plug this t'ing in.


 ;D ;D ;D

I always knew electrical engineers were wired a bit differently than the rest of us.  ;) :D :D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 28, 2009, 09:26:33 PM
'Late again,' the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy. 'It  ain't my fault this time, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this one on my  Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!'
    Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-odd years.
    Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that.
    Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little
Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.

    'You see, Miss Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low down coyote. The last few nights he done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to Ma; 'That darn coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'' 'Stay back,' he whispered to all us kids.
 
   He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barreled 12-gauge shot gun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with coyote on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and comes sneakin' up behind Daddy. Then as we all looked on plumb helpless, old Zeke stuck his cold nose in Daddy's butt crack!

    'Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steyr M40A1 on April 29, 2009, 07:40:31 AM
Watch this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KV_G2eWKqA (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KV_G2eWKqA)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 29, 2009, 02:46:56 PM
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..

He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit,

They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla..

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now..... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now. Tell HIM you have a headache
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on April 29, 2009, 05:54:26 PM


Is this a joke, or the story of the last time you and Marshal went to the zoo?   ;D



I know, I know....................corner, here I come.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 29, 2009, 08:57:44 PM

Is this a joke, or the story of the last time you and Marshal went to the zoo?   ;D



I know, I know....................corner, here I come.

NOW!!

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/emotions/gotocorner.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on April 29, 2009, 09:01:14 PM

NOW!!

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/emotions/gotocorner.gif)

Sweet! You up for some PlayStation?

http://www.downrange.tv/forum/index.php/topic,6497.msg78777.html#msg78777

;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steyr M40A1 on April 29, 2009, 10:13:36 PM
My new cell phone has an awesome ring tone!!
And its my favorite caliber too!
(http://i286.photobucket.com/albums/ll81/W2RAC/Steyr/image001402.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 29, 2009, 10:29:58 PM
That is the coolest.............
And of course.. I want one.... ;D



Young Child's Prayer
O Lord...this year,  please send clothes… for all those poor ladies in Dad’s computer.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 30, 2009, 01:50:02 PM
    Indian Mating
    Season.....

    Two Indians
    and a Arkansas Hillbilly were walking through the woods.
    All
    of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small
    cave.
    "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"he called into the cave and listened closely
    until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his
    clothes and ran into the cave.

    The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the
    remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was the other Indian crazy or
    what?"


    The
    Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see
    cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an
    answer back, it means there's a beautiful woman in the rear waiting for
    us."

    Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to
    the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there
    was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"from deep inside. He also tore off his
    clothes and ran into the opening.

    The Hillbilly wandered around in the
    woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in
    amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at
    the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be
    some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and
    hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Like the others, he then
    heard an answering call,
    "WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"

    With
    a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he
    raced
    into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

    The following day, the
    headline of the local newspaper read....

    (Get ready, this will kill
    ya),


    NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN

      :D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 30, 2009, 03:06:16 PM
You're gonna love this little boy!

          A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man
 reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The
 little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was
 a priest, said,  'I am a Father.'  The little boy replied, 'My Daddy
 doesn't wear his collar like that.'The priest looked up from his book and
 answered, ''I am the Father of many.'   The boy said, ''My Dad has 4
boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that
way!'  The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds',
and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for
a while, then leaned over and said,''Maybe you should wear a condom and
 put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.





 Keep Smilin'!! ;D ;D ;D ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on April 30, 2009, 05:07:29 PM
 
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human Beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before he could say 'Sh*t,' the Rottweiler ate him!

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steyr M40A1 on April 30, 2009, 08:05:21 PM
(http://i286.photobucket.com/albums/ll81/W2RAC/Steyr/calendar.jpg)


http://207.36.183.1/pub/Calendar.pdf (http://207.36.183.1/pub/Calendar.pdf)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: True_Texan on April 30, 2009, 08:44:40 PM
Always remember:
(http://i108.photobucket.com/albums/n33/tripled_k/image002.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: True_Texan on April 30, 2009, 08:53:15 PM
MAKING LOVE
 

The Italian says, "When I've a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above da bed in ecstacy."


The Frenchman replies. "Zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."


The redneck says, "That aint nothing. When I've finished porkin the ole lady , I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my weener on the curtains. She hits the freakin' ceiling.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 01, 2009, 02:37:46 PM
You all want to know the REAL reason BHO was bowing?

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/political/BHO.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on May 01, 2009, 02:54:36 PM
It has always been said that a black man would be elected President when pigs fly ...

After one hundred days in office ... SWINE FLU!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on May 01, 2009, 03:10:34 PM
It has always been said that a black man would be elected President when pigs fly ...

After one hundred days in office ... SWINE FLU!!!

****GROAN!****
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MinotBob on May 01, 2009, 05:44:52 PM
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society..

"In fact," he pointed out, “some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a young man in a West Virginia t-shirt approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three West Virginia coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on May 03, 2009, 07:04:53 PM
Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills in
your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack?

If not, you're wondering now.

Have a nice day...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: 1911 Junkie on May 03, 2009, 09:16:35 PM
Do you know the difference between Mono and Herpes?

You get Mono from snatching a kiss............


Now that's funny right there, I don't care who ya are ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: True_Texan on May 03, 2009, 09:36:52 PM
Grandma in court:

Lawyer 101- Never ask a question of which you don’t already know the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney stood wide eyed and speechless.

 

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: True_Texan on May 03, 2009, 09:38:21 PM
A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big everything-under-one-roof department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin.'

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.  'You start tomorrow.  I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'  His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?'

The kid says, 'One.'

The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.  How much was the sale for?'

The kid says, '$101,237.65.'

The boss says, '$101,237.65?! What the heck did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook.  Then I sold him a medium fishhook.  Then I sold him a larger fishhook.  Then I sold him a new fishing rod.  Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.  Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'

The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'

The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ping on May 03, 2009, 09:43:40 PM
Oh, great one True Texan!!!  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: deepwater on May 03, 2009, 10:05:45 PM
The Harley-Davidson Facts

                                                                                 
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St.. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles
have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson Motorcycle? 'Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.'
 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on May 04, 2009, 07:22:38 PM
THE PLAN:

A. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.

B. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.
 
C. Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.
 
D. In three generations, there will be no Democrats.
 

Damn - I love it when a plan comes together
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on May 04, 2009, 08:55:37 PM
You gotta love Newfie logic.


 
 

 
I always did find the Newfoundland Logic far superior to  most others!!!
                                                         

A man and his wife moved back home to Newfoundland, from Toronto.
The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Ontario was $2000.00 a year!
 
When they  arrived in Newfoundland, they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.
The agent looked it up on the  computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Newfoundland to insure, because it cost him  $2000.00 in Ontario!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says:

*Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00.*
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on May 05, 2009, 08:13:55 AM


I saw a  billboard sign that said:

   

NEED  HELP, CALL JESUS
1-800-555-3787

Out of curiosity, I called the number . . .. 

A  Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.   
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on May 05, 2009, 09:03:33 AM
A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee.
The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"
The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.
 
The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back.  He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down , and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea.
He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?"
The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
 
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches.
He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, honey!
How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Miller Light?"
He, to, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?"
The waitress once more nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold glass of beer.  "On my bill," he said.
 
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
 
Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.
 
Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat.  The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ...  I'm collecting disability."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: mudman on May 05, 2009, 09:57:58 AM
Now thats funny right there. ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on May 05, 2009, 12:16:20 PM
Yes it is.....and I'm a Demacrat!

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on May 05, 2009, 01:06:52 PM
Yes it is.....and I'm a Demacrat!

Richard

Oh well, nobody's perfect.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on May 05, 2009, 01:31:37 PM
An  older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his  side.  He  told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The  jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more  special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special  stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only  $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled  and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this  said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be  made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure  my check is good, so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank  Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday  afternoon," he said.


 Monday  morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "Sir, there's no money in that account." ;)

"I  know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my  weekend!" ;D ;D

 All  Seniors Aren't Senile :) :) :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: 1911 Junkie on May 05, 2009, 05:08:00 PM
      How to say “I love you” in 25 languages:

      English
      I Love You

      Spanish
      Te Amo

      French
      Je T'aime

      German
      lch Liebe Dich

      Japanese
      Ai Shite Imasu

      Thai
      Phom rak khun

      Italian
      Ti amo

      Chinese
      Wo Ai Ni

      Swedish
      Jag Alskar

      Alabama
      Arkansas
      Kansas
      Oklahoma
      Texas
      North Carolina
      Georgia
      Tennessee
      Missouri
      Mississippi
      Louisiana
      Virginia
      West Virginia
      Kentucky
      and parts of Florida

      Nice Ass , Get in the truck


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on May 05, 2009, 05:21:37 PM
Winnie The Pooh Weighs In On The Swine Flu:


(http://i414.photobucket.com/albums/pp225/tt11758/pooh-2.jpg?t=1241561735)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on May 05, 2009, 10:56:55 PM
The thread about wolves made me think of this oldie.......

There is no arguing with cowboy logic.

The Sierra Club and the US Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the growing wolf population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled.

This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, an old boy in the in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. The wolves ain't screwin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on May 06, 2009, 09:59:41 AM
The thread about wolves made me think of this oldie.......

There is no arguing with cowboy logic.

The Sierra Club and the US Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the growing wolf population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled.

This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, an old boy in the in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. The wolves ain't screwin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em."



And now we understand why as the sex drive declines the waist line expands ...

Once the only enjoyable areobic exercise man has ever known is no longer available what is there left to do but eat  :-\
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on May 06, 2009, 10:06:22 AM
And now for a story I remembered when reading Michael's comments on his age ...

Ole had come down with a bug, and after weeks of trying everything he was getting worse instead of better.

Lena finally convinced him to see the doctor, but being too weak to venture out the doctor made a house call.

After examining Ole the doctor wanted to talk to Lena out in the hall, but Ole insisted he be a part of the conversation.

The doctor appologized, and said there was nothing that could be done.  It was just a matter of time and Ole would be gone.

Ole pled with the doctor to do something ... do anything ... "I'm not ready yet, I'll try anything!"

The doctor thought on it and finally said "Well there is something you could do."  "Mud packs!"  "Start out slow ... a couple a day, and as you feel up to it add more until you are taking three mud baths a day."

Ole brightened up and promised to do it faithfully, and then he asked "Will it really work?  Will it cure me?"

The doctor replied "I doubt it, but it WILL help you get used to the dirt."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on May 06, 2009, 10:15:12 AM
Ole had been extremely ill for several weeks and seemed to be getting worse.

The doctor had visited several times, but he could not seem to find a problem or a cure.

One afternoon, after sleeping most of the day, Ole woke to the smell of fresh chocolate chip cookies.

He took a deep breath and sighed "My dear Lena ... She has made my favorite cookies!"

He mustered up all his strength and rolled out of bed.  He slid across the floor and down the stairs.  He slowly crawled through the living and dining rooms to the kitchen, all the way thinking about the gift the love of his life had made for him.

As he reached the kitchen table he took a deep breath and struggled to pull himself up to table hight.  And there ... right in front of his eyes was the biggest pile of fresh, hot, chocolate chip cookies he had ever seen.  All steaming hot and fresh.  Ohhhhhhh ... his loving bride was soooooo sweet!

As he summoned every bit of strength in his body he reached out for the pile, and WHACKsize] ... Lena wrapped him on the knuckles with a wooden spoon ... ""Don't Touch Them ... They're for your funeral!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: long762range on May 06, 2009, 12:03:36 PM
Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker .

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
;
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection..

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma
 
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on May 06, 2009, 06:04:53 PM
President Obama took a tour of Alabama, and when he returned to the White House he had a Razor Back Hog under each arm.

The Marine at the door snapped to attention and saluted him saying "Nice pigs sir!"

The President said "These aren't just any pigs, they're Razor Backs.  I got one for Mrs. Pelosi and one for Mrs. Clinton."

To which the Marine snapped another much crisper salute and shouted "Nice trade Sir!!!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on May 08, 2009, 11:57:20 AM
Moose Sex

Two guys are drinking in a bar.

One says: "Did you know that moose
have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
 
"Aw shit...," says his friend,
"and I just joined the VFW!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on May 08, 2009, 05:10:36 PM
Moose Sex

Two guys are drinking in a bar.

One says: "Did you know that moose
have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
 
"Aw shit...," says his friend,
"and I just joined the VFW!"


I don't care WHO you are, that's funny right THERE!!!   lmao
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on May 10, 2009, 05:54:44 PM
Redneck Fire Alarm! 

WE have three of these and the great thing is you never have to remember to change the battery.
 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on May 10, 2009, 06:35:46 PM
LOL!

Dayum!  I haven't seen JiffyPop in years!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on May 11, 2009, 01:29:57 PM
Men's perspective About Wives:


When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?
Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Anonymous

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
Nash

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on May 11, 2009, 01:32:55 PM
Always expect the unexpected.........

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on May 11, 2009, 03:23:18 PM
Jokes you'll never hear at a White House Correspondents' Association Dinner

http://www.worldnetdaily.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=97688

Quote
"Sorry I'm late … Louis Caldera was my cabbie and he thought it would be a good idea to drive me by the Statue of Liberty for a photo-op."

"Incidentally, Caldera was also going to be the person who ordered the Navy SEALS to rescue Captain Phillips from the Somali pirates if that had turned out badly."

"In an effort to ensure that any terror suspects killed under orders of the administration is completely legal in the eyes of the president, 'killed terrorists' will now be referred to as 'really late-term abortions.'"

"The White House says that the president had no prior knowledge of that 747 buzzing of Manhattan. Is it really a good idea to entrust our national security to somebody who can't even install The Club on his own jet?"

"This isn't the first time Barack Obama has denied any knowledge of a New York City buzz – the first being the time he smoked a joint with William Ayers at '21.'"

"And I don't know about you, but I sleep better at night knowing that a White House aide can scramble F-16s without anybody else knowing about it. This way, if a war breaks out while Obama's teleprompter is unplugged, somebody can still order planes to bomb New York to appease an enemy like at the end of Fail-Safe."

"If you're wondering why the president is in a good mood, it's because he's glad to be finished with his annual physical. During his colonoscopy doctors removed two benign polyps and the White House Press Corps."

"Last evening I took a walk through the cemetery – or as ACORN calls it, a 'recruiting trip.'"

"Things are getting weirder and weirder. Barack Obama is now running an auto company, and this morning I read that Lee Iacocca is taking over control of the Black Panthers."

"President Obama said he's going to take care of all Americans just like he takes care of his own family. It's comforting to know that the worst that can happen to us now is ending up homeless in Kenya."

"Michelle Obama is also here tonight. The first lady just taped an episode of 'Sesame Street' but walked off the set after seeing a segment featuring the Count holding photos of Barack's cabinet members and saying, 'Two … two tax cheats. Ah Ah Ah. Three … three tax cheats. Ah Ah Ah …'"

"In closing, I'd like to say thank you to the man who is responsible for all this. I'd like to, but George Soros isn't here tonight. They don't let George and Barack in the same room anymore because the last time they did, Joe Biden got tangled up in the puppet strings."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on May 11, 2009, 03:29:49 PM
I'm now officially laughing......................... uh oh......I laughed a Liberal jokes..............I hear the Black Choppers.................
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: True_Texan on May 11, 2009, 03:36:20 PM
How to fail a DUI test:

http://s598.photobucket.com/albums/tt63/True-Texan/?action=view&current=instantDUI.flv
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on May 11, 2009, 04:00:12 PM
I'm now officially laughing......................... uh oh......I laughed a Liberal jokes..............I hear the Black Choppers.................


Haven't you heard, Peg.......there are no black choppers.  I guess that means it's ok to shoot em down.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on May 11, 2009, 08:38:24 PM
    WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST   

    The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning   when she asked the question,   'When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?'   Suzy raised her hand and said, ' I think it's your hands'.   'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'    Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first'.  'What a wonderful answer! ' the nun said.    Little Johnny raised his hand and said,  'Sister, I think it's your feet'.  The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'  Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying,    'Oh! God, I'm coming!'... and if Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her'.   The Nun fainted

 Subject: My new hero T. B. Bechtel, a City Councillor from Newcastle , Australia , was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience. HIS STATEMENT: "If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camelshagger will save just one Australian life, then I have only three things to say: 1. Red is positive 2. Black is negative 3. Make sure his nuts are wet."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: True_Texan on May 12, 2009, 12:54:32 AM
Why city folk shouldn't move to the country:

(http://i108.photobucket.com/albums/n33/tripled_k/opossum.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: True_Texan on May 12, 2009, 01:09:05 AM
This is an older joke so don't mind the actual date references.

RETIREMENT

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be
worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all
the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund, you
would have $214.00.

Based on the above, the current investment advice is to drink heavily and
recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan


I've been investing in this plan for many years now. Great returns no matter what the market does ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 12, 2009, 08:20:14 AM
Praying at Work.


(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/image0022.jpg)

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/image0033.jpg)


(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/image0044.jpg)


(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/image0055.jpg)


(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/image0066.jpg)


(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/image0077.jpg)


(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/image0088.jpg)


(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/image0099.jpg)


(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/image01010.jpg)


(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/image01111.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 12, 2009, 09:00:00 AM
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/image00111.jpg)

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/image00333.jpg)

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/image00444.jpg)

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/image00555.jpg)

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/image00666.jpg)

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/image00777.jpg)

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/image00999.jpg)

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/image0101010.jpg)

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/image0121212.jpg)

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/image0131313.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 12, 2009, 09:17:02 AM

Live Long Enough To Be A Problem For Your Kids... ;D ;D

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/ATT000391.jpg)

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/ATT000422.jpg)

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/ATT000453.jpg)

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/ATT000484.jpg)

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/ATT000515.jpg)

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/ATT000546.jpg)

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/ATT000577.jpg)

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/ATT000608.jpg)

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/ATT000608.jpg)

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/ATT0006610.jpg)

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/ATT0006911.jpg)

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/ATT0007212.jpg)

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/ATT0007513.jpg)

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/ATT0007814.jpg)

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/ATT0008115.jpg)

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/ATT0008416.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on May 12, 2009, 01:03:18 PM
A Pirate walks into a bar............

BARTENDER:  Hey, I haven't see you in awhile. What happened? You look terrible!

PIRATE:  What do you mean?  I feel fine.

BARTENDER:  What about the wooden leg?  You didn't have that before.

PIRATE:  Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.

BARTENDER:  Well, OK, but what about that hook?  What happened to your hand?

PIRATE:  We were in another battle.  I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.  My hand was cut off, then I got fitted with
a hook. I'm fine, really.

BARTENDER:  What about the eye patch?

PIRATE:  Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.

BARTENDER:  You're kidding!  You lost an eye just from bird shit?

PIRATE:  It was my first day with the hook!

 :o  :o  :o  :o  :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: True_Texan on May 12, 2009, 01:24:16 PM
Hispanic Pistol Range

http://s598.photobucket.com/albums/tt63/True-Texan/?action=view&current=HispanicShootingRange.flv
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on May 12, 2009, 06:08:56 PM
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realising that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'   
 
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
///////////////////////////////////////////
Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$250'

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the closet together..

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football helmet.   'The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy - '$750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, 'Grab your helmet and football, let's go outside and have a game of football.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and helmet.'

The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'

Boy - '$1,000.'

The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in
the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again. You're in my closet now.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steyr M40A1 on May 12, 2009, 07:27:32 PM
So this is how swine flu got started.

(http://i286.photobucket.com/albums/ll81/W2RAC/Steyr/ATT1104.jpg)

Cute but still gross.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 12, 2009, 07:52:11 PM
DEAR  MADAM:

THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT ORDER FROM OUR  SEX TOYS  SHOP.
 
YOU  ASKED FOR THE LARGE RED VIBRATOR AS FEATURED ON OUR  WALL  DISPLAY.
 
PLEASE  SELECT ANOTHER ITEM BECAUSE THAT IS OUR FIRE  EXTINGUISHER.
  :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on May 12, 2009, 08:04:30 PM
DEAR  MADAM:

THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT ORDER FROM OUR  SEX TOYS  SHOP.
 
YOU  ASKED FOR THE LARGE RED VIBRATOR AS FEATURED ON OUR  WALL  DISPLAY.
 
PLEASE  SELECT ANOTHER ITEM BECAUSE THAT IS OUR FIRE  EXTINGUISHER.
  :o


(http://www.smileyx.com/smilies/happy0011.gif) (http://www.smileyx.com/smilies/happy0064.gif) (http://www.smileyx.com/smilies/Y7IEYY000009b.gif) (http://www.smileyx.com/smilies/happy0065.gif) (http://www.smileyx.com/smilies/2erOBh1.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: brosometal on May 13, 2009, 11:58:05 AM
Just a pic
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on May 13, 2009, 03:03:25 PM
Folks, just remember as you read this, this person probably drives..,AND votes!
And may have already reproduced…
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on May 13, 2009, 05:33:16 PM
Praying at Work.


(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/image0022.jpg)

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/image0033.jpg)


(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/image0044.jpg)


(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/image0055.jpg)


(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/image0066.jpg)


(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/image0077.jpg)


(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/image0088.jpg)


(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/image0099.jpg)


(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/image01010.jpg)


(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/general/image01111.jpg)


Hail Mary, full of grace...........................




;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on May 13, 2009, 09:37:51 PM
This one made me LOL.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on May 14, 2009, 05:16:04 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QC0uGcorAl0    :o

got to love TV Adds 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on May 14, 2009, 04:29:51 PM
Sam died. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sarah turned to her oldest and dearest friend. "Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Sarah . "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Sarah answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the synagogue.

The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500.

The rest went for the Memorial Stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone?

My goodness, how big is it ?" ............................
 
 
 



"Two and a half carats."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on May 14, 2009, 08:51:01 PM
Fred and Larry get married in California .

They couldn't afford a honeymoon. So, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room and asked me if I had any Vaseline and I think... I gave him my airplane glue. ;D ;)
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on May 14, 2009, 08:56:34 PM

Jeff Gordon fires entire pit crew[/size]
 
This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.
 
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment.  It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost in the pits.  However, Gordon got more than he bargained for!
 
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the Vin number, and sold the car to Dale Jr. For 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower. ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on May 15, 2009, 06:33:29 AM
Keyboard warning



Marriage is like drinking a Slurpee

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cmD_Y-P-GPs




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wrbzMyNbxIo&feature=related
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steyr M40A1 on May 15, 2009, 07:45:05 AM
Jeff Dunham is very funny!!

Here goes my funny I pilfered off www.steyrclub.com (http://www.steyrclub.com)





 START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK...

1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'
6.. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
7. Feel better?

GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on May 15, 2009, 10:32:32 AM
Jeff Dunham is very funny!!

Here goes my funny I pilfered off www.steyrclub.com (http://www.steyrclub.com)





 START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK...

1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'
6.. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
7. Feel better?

GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi!

BAD CHOICE OF WORDS !!!!! The thought of "doing Nancy Pelosi" made me gag   :-X
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on May 15, 2009, 01:42:12 PM
BAD CHOICE OF WORDS !!!!! The thought of "doing Nancy Pelosi" made me gag   :-X


Yeah...talk about way up on the list of "things that make you go yeeeeeech!!!!!".........



(http://www.smileyx.com/smilies/sick0006.gif)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on May 15, 2009, 04:23:26 PM
BAD CHOICE OF WORDS !!!!! The thought of "doing Nancy Pelosi" made me gag   :-X

Yeah, I too threw up a little in my mouth at that mental image.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: True_Texan on May 15, 2009, 09:01:48 PM
GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi!

Yeah, I too threw up a little in my mouth at that mental image.

Just a little? ??? Steyer, you owe me a new freaking keyboard... The beer and beef jerky I was eating earlier have wrecked my stuff! Think I need to change my drawers too. That was a violent upheaval.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on May 15, 2009, 11:02:18 PM
Either one of the royals farted........or he heard about the Pelosi thing too........

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on May 16, 2009, 12:01:33 PM
Will I Live to see 80?


Here's something to think about.


I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.


A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'


He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'


'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'


Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?


'I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'


'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'


'No, I don't,' I said.


He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'


'No,' I said


He looked at me and said,...... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on May 16, 2009, 07:35:45 PM
It was time to trade trucks, so I bought a new Ford F150.
But I had to return it to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the
radio to work.
The service rep explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Nelson," the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied, "Ricky or
Willie?"
"Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came out of the speakers.
Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind" replaced
Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say,
"Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music.
And if I said, "Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some guys ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I
swerved in time to barely avoid them.
Instinctively I screamed out:  " Ass Holes! "
 
 
Immediately the Iranian National Anthem began to play:
sung by Jane Fonda and Barbra Streisand;
backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks;
with John Kerry on guitar;
Al Gore on drums;
Dan Rather on harmonica;
Nancy Pelosi on tambourine;
Harry Reid on spoons;
Bill Clinton on sax;
and Ted Kennedy On Scotch.
 
I LOVE this truck!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tumblebug on May 16, 2009, 08:00:18 PM
Now thats funny right there.Love those trucks. 8) 8) 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: brosometal on May 16, 2009, 09:10:47 PM
...
 
 
Immediately the Iranian National Anthem began to play:
sung by Jane Fonda and Barbra Streisand;
backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks;
with John Kerry on guitar;
Al Gore on drums;
Dan Rather on harmonica;
Nancy Pelosi on tambourine;
Harry Reid on spoons;
Bill Clinton on sax;
and Ted Kennedy On Scotch.
 
I LOVE this truck!


Pelosi isn't qualified to play the tambourine  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on May 17, 2009, 10:55:32 AM
Pelosi isn't qualified to play the tambourine  ;D


She's had so many face lifts she could play drums on her face.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on May 17, 2009, 12:02:21 PM
The dimple on her chin is really her navel!

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on May 17, 2009, 12:32:58 PM
The dimple on her chin is really her navel!

Richard

Please don't tell me that her bangs are really back hair  :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on May 17, 2009, 01:01:12 PM
She's had so many face lifts she really does talk out her ass.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on May 17, 2009, 01:50:43 PM
OK, I won't!

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on May 17, 2009, 10:01:24 PM
You thought your job sucked.....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ping on May 17, 2009, 10:09:43 PM
Good one Pegleg.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: brosometal on May 17, 2009, 11:05:46 PM
What! No hard-hat, no safety glasses?  OSHA's gonna be pissed!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on May 18, 2009, 12:05:43 AM
A woman goes to her doctor's office, to discuss a strange development. 
She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh. 
They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings. 
Much to her relief, it's the doctor. 
She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots. 
The doctor says, 'You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem. But I'm wondering, was your boyfriend that Harley guy in the waiting room?'
The woman stammers, 'Why, Yes, but how did you know?'
"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold..."

 :o  :o  :o  :o  :o  :o

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: long762range on May 18, 2009, 01:50:30 PM
Daryl is on his way to the pub driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off.

Daryl slams on the brakes and yells:

"Shazza what the bloody hell d'ya think ya doing?"

Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says:

"G'day Daryl. You got me pregnant, so now I'm gonna kill meself".

Daryl gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.

Shazza, he says, Fair dinkum not only are ya a top root but you're a real sport too", and drives off to the pub.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on May 18, 2009, 06:54:43 PM
Daryl is on his way to the pub driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off.

Daryl slams on the brakes and yells:

"Shazza what the bloody hell d'ya think ya doing?"

Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says:

"G'day Daryl. You got me pregnant, so now I'm gonna kill meself".

Daryl gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.

Shazza, he says, Fair dinkum not only are ya a top root but you're a real sport too", and drives off to the pub.



LMFAO    Onya    (http://www.google.com/images?q=tbn:rk_o0KzbvzRUcM::www.jbfpta.org/images/01360916thumbs_up_smiley.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on May 18, 2009, 09:06:28 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9mtz6HKJHY&feature=channel
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on May 19, 2009, 07:30:07 AM
An armed and hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.

One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber shoots him also.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

"Did anyone else see my face?" calls the robber.

There are a few moments silence, then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says: "I saw nutthin' but I think me wife may have caught a glimpse..."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 19, 2009, 10:57:25 PM
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carolyn. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carolyn to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carolyn. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,

Bob

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Bob died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carolyn was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Bob, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on May 19, 2009, 11:24:42 PM
Ma'am....you REALLY know how to put things in 'perspective'.....don'tcha? 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on May 20, 2009, 08:00:14 AM
Lawrence Livermore Labs has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.  The new element, Governmentium (GV) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
 
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
 
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert: however it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.  A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.
 
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.  In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
 
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.  This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
 
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on May 20, 2009, 08:21:11 AM
Haz, did you forget that this is a joke thread not a place to insert true stories and facts  :-\
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on May 20, 2009, 09:29:47 AM
A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas
City to Chicago . The little boy (who had been looking out the
window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and
big cats Have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?' The
mother (who Couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight
attendant. So The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight
attendant, 'If big dogs Have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why
don't big planes have baby Planes?' The busy flight attendant smiled and
said, 'Did your mother tell You to ask me?' The boy said, 'Yes, she
did.' 'Well, then, you go and tell Your mother that there are no baby
planes because Southwest always pulls out On time. Have your mother
explain that to you
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on May 20, 2009, 11:04:36 AM
Timing Is Everything!!!



Dear Wife:


I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or  you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.


Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.


It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.


After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.


I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.

I hope that's not a problem.
 



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on May 20, 2009, 12:42:53 PM
Subject: work communication
 
> Cussing at Work
>
> Dear Employees:
>
> It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
>Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
>We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
>Therefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
>
> Number 1
>TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
> INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
>
> Number 2
> TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
> INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
>
> Number 3
> TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
> INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
>
> Number 4
> TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
> INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
>
> Number 5
> TRY SAYING: Really?
> INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
>
> Number 6
> TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
> INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
>
> Number 7
> TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
> INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
>
> Number 8
> TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
> INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
>
> Number 9
> TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
> INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
>
> Number 10
> TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
> INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
>
> Number 11
> TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
> INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
>
> Number 12
> TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
> INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
>
> Number 13
> TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
> INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
>
> Number 14
> TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
> INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.
>
> Number 15
> TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
> INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
>
> Number 16
> TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
> INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
>
> Number 17
> TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
> INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
>
> Number 18
> TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
> INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck..
>
> Thank You,
> Human Resources
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on May 20, 2009, 12:50:22 PM
an oldie but a goodie.......
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on May 20, 2009, 12:56:10 PM
an oldie but a goodie.......

Ya might as well start heading for the corner.  Pick up some beer on the way, we're getting low!  ;)  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on May 20, 2009, 01:09:36 PM
How 'bout chips and salsa?           :D



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on May 20, 2009, 01:13:22 PM
How 'bout chips and salsa?           :D





tt brought them so we're OK.  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on May 20, 2009, 01:19:57 PM
tt brought them so we're OK.  ;)

The cheez whiz is empty.....I used silly string and it tasted foul..... :P
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on May 20, 2009, 01:21:08 PM
The cheez whiz is empty.....I used silly string and it tasted foul..... :P

Pink or blue?

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on May 20, 2009, 01:35:02 PM
Ya might as well start heading for the corner.  Pick up some beer on the way, we're getting low!  ;)  ;D

And do it fast, because if she even sense that one your dead where you stand  ::)

I'm gettin out-a-here so I don't get any on me  :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on May 20, 2009, 01:43:45 PM
OK, so I know I'm unemployed, but what the h*&$ are you people doing posting all day. Get back to work!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on May 20, 2009, 02:20:33 PM
OK, so I know I'm unemployed, but what the h*&$ are you people doing posting all day. Get back to work!

AHHHH....but I'm the boss so................  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on May 20, 2009, 02:25:44 PM
OK, so I know I'm unemployed, but what the h*&$ are you people doing posting all day. Get back to work!

The benefit of working whenever and whereever someone calls is that I spend a lot of time at the computer and there are times (hold the smart a** comments) when productivity does not need to be peek  ;D

Besides, this is a better place to vent than with the customer (note I said customer as in living and breathing as opposed to client) ... damn kindergarten minds that I need to think ahead of everytime I type  >:(
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on May 20, 2009, 02:41:15 PM
OK, so I know I'm unemployed, but what the h*&$ are you people doing posting all day. Get back to work!

Ahem.....I am  at work.....
Just trying to make the day go by quicker  :P
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on May 20, 2009, 03:01:55 PM
OK, so I know I'm unemployed, but what the h*&$ are you people doing posting all day. Get back to work!


You confuse being "at work" with "working".    ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on May 20, 2009, 03:20:05 PM
The cheez whiz is empty.....I used silly string and it tasted foul..... :P

Silly string tastes like Chicken?   ??? ???
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on May 20, 2009, 03:22:59 PM
Silly string tastes like Chicken?   ??? ???


(http://www.smileyx.com/smilies/2erOBh1.gif)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on May 20, 2009, 03:28:21 PM
Silly string tastes like Chicken?   ??? ???

I personally buy the cajun stuff that tastes like gator.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on May 20, 2009, 04:21:55 PM
I said FOUL, not FOWL.....geez, didn't someone mention kindergartners earlier?

If we don't get his under control folks someones gonna hire a Hall Monitor!


 ;D


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on May 20, 2009, 04:28:35 PM
If we don't get his under control folks someones gonna hire a Hall Monitor!


 ;D




We've got one, but she's still recovering from time with M25.  Don't worry ... she'll be back to ground 95% of us and revolk most Ranger privliges.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on May 20, 2009, 07:53:20 PM
I'm retired and I can do what ever my wife wants me to!

So There!!!!!!

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on May 20, 2009, 08:04:54 PM
I'm retired and I can do what ever my wife wants me to!

So There!!!!!!

Richard

So Richard, can I infer that my life won't change much when I retire?

Drat!!! :(
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on May 22, 2009, 08:45:05 PM
A Florida businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, "Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except...the Voodoo Penis!"
 
The husband said "The what"?
 
The man repeated "The Voodoo Penis" and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
 
The husband laughed, and said, "It looks like a dildo!"
 
The man then pointed to the door and said, "Voodoo Penis, door!"
 
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" and the penis stopped and returned to the box..
 The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis.
 
She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch." The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, sh e became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.
 
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
 
Gasping and twitching, the woman said "I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me..."
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, "Yeah right..Voodoo Penis, my ass...!"

The rest, as they say, is history....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on May 22, 2009, 08:53:37 PM
It's Deepwaters fault I found these  ;D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uj7zi9Tp5s4&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMxWLuOFyZM&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAaWvVFERVA&feature=related (Also known as the OBAMA tapes)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9V7zbWNznbs&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zPGb4STRfKw&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=krb2OdQksMc&feature=related
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on May 23, 2009, 05:15:53 AM
Timothy, the "HONEY DO" list grows the day you retire (I loose the one my wife makes for me)!  You wonder when you found time to do all the "chores" and work too!

Richard

PS:  Oh yea, don't get sick, cuz they still expect you to get everything done AND take them out to dinner.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on May 23, 2009, 09:59:55 AM
    Irish  Alzheimer's

     Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fainted when he saw him. Murphy had never been  seen in Church in his  life..

    After Mass, the priest  caught up with Murphy and said, 'Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?"

    Murphy said, "I got to be  honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that  McGlynn comes to Church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off  his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of Church. So, I  was going to leave after Communion and steal  McGlynn's hat."

    The priest said, "Well,  Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat.  What changed your  mind?"

    Murphy said, "Well, after  I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to  steal McGlynn's hat after all.."

    The priest gave Murphy a  big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you  would rather do without the hat than burn in  Hell,  right?"

    Murphy slowly shook his head and said, "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit  Adultery', I remembered where I left me  hat."


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on May 23, 2009, 01:31:27 PM
    SON OF A BITCH FISH!



    The parish priest went on a fishing trip.



    On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.



    The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"



    "Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"



    "No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"


    "Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"



    Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.



    "Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."



    "Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"



    "Why, eat it! Of course You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!"



    Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.



    While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.


    "Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"



    Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"



    "It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!"


    "Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"



    Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.


    "I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said.



    As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.



    "What are you doing Sister?"



    "Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner."



    "Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"



    "No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish."



    "Really? Well in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!"



    "Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."



    On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.



    The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.



    The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"



    "I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.



    "And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.



    The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch using a special recipe!"



    The new Bishop looked around at each of them.



    A big smile crept across his face as he said,



    "You Fuckers are my kind of people!"


 ;D ;D :D :D ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on May 23, 2009, 02:12:57 PM
A little known fact....

 

The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

 

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

 :D :D ;D ;D ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on May 23, 2009, 09:20:18 PM
Here's a PSA on the recall for Chinese made breast implants

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-y4p0wAuKM

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on May 23, 2009, 10:07:24 PM
THIS IS TRUE !! ;D

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090523/ap_on_re_as/as_china_suicide_help

BEIJING – Chen Fuchao, a man heavily in debt, had been contemplating suicide on a bridge in southern China for hours when a passer-by came up, shook his hand — and pushed him off the ledge.

Chen fell 26 feet (8 meters) onto a partially inflated emergency air cushion laid out by authorities and survived, suffering spine and elbow injuries, the official Xinhua News Agency said Saturday.

The passer-by, 66-year-old Lai Jiansheng, had been fed up with what he called Chen's "selfish activity," Xinhua said. Traffic around the Haizhu bridge in the city of Guangzhou had been backed up for five hours and police had cordoned off the area.

"I pushed him off because jumpers like Chen are very selfish. Their action violates a lot of public interest," Lai was quoted as saying by Xinhua. "They do not really dare to kill themselves. Instead, they just want to raise the relevant government authorities' attention to their appeals."

Xinhua said Lai was "taken away by police" but did not elaborate.

A police officer who answered the telephone Saturday at a station close to the bridge confirmed the incident and said it was under investigation. He refused to give any other details and hung up.

According to Xinhua, Chen wanted to kill himself because he had accrued 2 million yuan ($290,000) in debt from a failed construction project.

On Thursday, he made his way to the Haizhu bridge, where 11 other people have tried to take their lives since April.

Lai volunteered to talk Chen down but was turned away by police, Xinhua said. Lai then broke through the cordon, climbed to where Chen sat, greeted him with a handshake, then pushed.

Photos in the Beijing Morning Post showed Lai, shoeless and in a T-shirt, saluting after Chen fell.

The paper said Lai was released on bail Friday but did not give any details. It said he had been on medication for "a mental illness" for decades and had been on his way to a hospital for his pills.

Chen was recovering in the hospital, Xinhua said.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on May 23, 2009, 10:08:32 PM


    How would you pronounce this child's name:   

     

           "Le-a"   

     Leah?                  NO 

     Lee - A?              NOPE 

     Lay - a?               No way

     Lei?                     Guess Again.   



    This child attends a school in Detroit. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. 

    It's pronounced "Ledasha"...when the mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "The dash don't be silent."   

     

    SO, if you see something come across your desk like this, please remember to pronounce the dash.  If they axe you why, tell them the dash don't be silent.

    [see http://www.snopes.com/racial/language/le-a.asp for the whole story;
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: lettyinreno on May 24, 2009, 01:17:16 AM
Let me guess..
Was her skin brown?
My name is often mis-pronounced..
Leticia in a middle class white neighborhood growing up was do you want the "gringo version or the white version"?
But a dash is asking for it your whole life! What are people thinkin'?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: lettyinreno on May 24, 2009, 01:24:19 AM
Sorry I did'nt read the snopes report bofore I posted duh....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on May 24, 2009, 01:33:10 PM
Three Californian surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in California . In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost several fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England "
 
 
 
 
The second surgeon said, "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them and two years later he won a gold medal in track and field events at the Olympics ."
 
 
 
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs . Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's Speaker of the House ."
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on May 24, 2009, 02:55:04 PM
There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted Organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.  Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled.  They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another Organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green Persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green Persimmons, though, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'.

 She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said....


'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: 1911 Junkie on May 24, 2009, 07:09:41 PM
Four very afluent men were having lunch together one day and started talking about their sons.
The first man said,"My son's an accountant, he's doing so good he recently gave one of his buddies $50k just because he could."

The second man said,"My son owns a car dealership and he gave one of his buddies a new sports car, just because buisiness is great."

The third man said,"Yeah, well my son owns a realestate firm and buisiness is so good there he gave one of his buddies a free house."

At that point they look at the fourth man and ask,"So how's your son, the fag."

The fourth man said,"Well, he became a gay prostitute, but I guess he's doing alright. His 3 best customers just gave him $50k, a new car and a house."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: long762range on May 25, 2009, 11:52:55 AM
Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.


Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says,
'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'



Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on May 25, 2009, 03:51:31 PM
A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.
 
THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"

THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."

"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT.  "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."
 
THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.
 
HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.

THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM.

THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.
 
"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.
 
"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?
 
"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.
 
"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on May 25, 2009, 03:53:01 PM
A word to the wise - MEN don't try this at home .......
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

      A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!'

      Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, 'Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3.'

      The old guy replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff.  I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere.'

      The clerk is astonished.
     
      'Your wife's name is Crisco?'

      The old guy answers, 'Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public.'

      'I see,' said the clerk.

      'What do you call her at home?'

      'Lard ass.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on May 26, 2009, 11:53:29 AM
Three PhotosThat Say It All




(http://i414.photobucket.com/albums/pp225/tt11758/bush.jpg)
President Bush


(http://i414.photobucket.com/albums/pp225/tt11758/reaganwithchainsaw.jpg)
President Reagan


(http://i414.photobucket.com/albums/pp225/tt11758/obamacurtains.jpg)
Need I say More?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: long762range on May 26, 2009, 09:18:35 PM
Q: Define a bison


A: A bison is something an Australian washes his face in.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on May 27, 2009, 02:45:34 PM
Aussie Trucker

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel
outside Kalgoolie.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, I want your
ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!

The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you could have one
of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.

The trucker replies, 'Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny . . . . . I'm
homesick.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: deepwater on May 27, 2009, 09:01:58 PM
Letter from a Granddad:

John is 63
years old and owns his own business. He is a life-long
Republican and sees his dream of retiring next year is now all
but gone. With the stock market crashing and all the new taxes
coming his way, John knows he will be working for a good
number more years.

John has a Granddaughter. 
Ashley is a recent college grad. She drives a late model car,
wears all the latest fashions, and also likes going out and
eating out a lot.  Ashley campaigned hard for Obama, and
after he won the election she made sure her Grandfather (and
all other Republican family members) received more than an
earful on how the world is going to be a much better place now
that Obama won the election.

Ashley recently found
herself short of cash and cannot pay her bills, again. As she
has done many other times in the past, she e-mailed her
Grandfather asking for some financial help. Here is his reply:








 





Sweetheart,

I am
replying to your request for more money. Ashley, you know I
love you dearly and am sympathetic to your financial
plight.  Unfortunately, times have changed. With the
election of President Obama, your Grandmother and I have had
to set forth a bold new economic plan of our own....the
'Ashley Economic Plan'.  Let me explain. Your grandmother
and I are highly productive, wage-earning tax payers.  As
you know, we have lived a comfortable life and in return have
forgone many things like fancy vacations, luxury cars,
etc.  We have worked hard and were looking forward to
retiring soon.  But this plan has changed.  Your
president is significantly raising our personal and business
taxes.  He says it is so he can give our hard earned
money to other people.  Do you know what this means,
Ashley?  It means less income for us.  Less income
means we must cut back on many business and personal
expenditures.  One example is, we were forced to let go
of our receptionist today.  You know her.  She
always gave you candy when you visited my office.  Did
you know she worked for us for the past 18 years?  I
can't afford her anymore.

That is a taste of the
business side.  Some personal economic affects of Obama's
new taxation policies include none other than you. You know
very well that over the years your grandmother and I have
given you thousands of dollars in cash, tuition assistance,
food, housing, clothing, gifts, etc., etc.  By your vote,
you have chosen another family over ours for help. 
Judging from your Email requesting more money, I recommend you
call 202-456-1111.  That is the direct telephone number
for the White House. You yourself repeatedly told me I was
foolish voting Republican.  You said Mr. Obama is going
to be the people's president and is going to help every
American live a better life. Based upon everything you have
told me and things we heard from him as he campaigned, I am
sure Mr. Obama will be happy to send a check or transfer money
into your checking account.  Have him call me for the
transaction and account numbers, which by now I know by
heart.

Perhaps you now can understand what I have been
saying for all my life: those who vote for the president
should consider what the impact of an election will be on the
nation as a whole, and not just be concerned with what they
can get for themselves (welfare, etc.). What Obama voters
don't seem to realize is all of the "government's" money he is
'redistributing' to illegal aliens and non-taxpaying Americans
(deemed "less fortunate") comes from tax money collected from
income tax-paying families.  Remember how you told me,
"Only the richest of the rich will be affected"? Guess what,
honey?  Because of our business, your Grandmother and I
are now considered to be the richest of the rich. On paper, it
might look that way.  But in the real world, we are far
from it. But, as you said while campaigning for Obama, some
people will have to carry more of the burden so all of America
can prosper. You understand what that means, right?  It
means that raising taxes on productive people results in them
having less money.  Less money for everything, including
granddaughters.

Congratulations on your choice for
"change".  For future reference, I encourage you to
attempt to add up the total value of the gifts and money
you've received from us over the years, and compare it to what
you expect to get over the next four years from Mr.
Obama.

Remember, we love you dearly... but from now on
you'll need to call the number referenced above when you need
help.

Good luck,
sweetheart.
Love,
Grampa.

PS: How was your recent
trip to Jamaica? I have never been there but I hear it is
lovely this time of year.







 


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: True_Texan on May 28, 2009, 12:43:02 PM
SURVIVOR

Texas Style

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor, Texas-Style."

The contestants will all start in Dallas , then drive to Waco , Austin , San Antonio , over to Houston , then down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio , El Paso , Midland , Odessa , Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth, and finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: "I'm Gay," "I Love the Dixie Chicks," "Boycott Beef," "I Voted for Obama," "George Strait Sucks," "Hillary in 2012," and "I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive, wins.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: shooter32 on May 28, 2009, 12:46:10 PM
SURVIVOR

Texas Style

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor, Texas-Style."

The contestants will all start in Dallas , then drive to Waco , Austin , San Antonio , over to Houston , then down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio , El Paso , Midland , Odessa , Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth, and finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: "I'm Gay," "I Love the Dixie Chicks," "Boycott Beef," "I Voted for Obama," "George Strait Sucks," "Hillary in 2012," and "I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive, wins.

Hell they wouldn't make it to Waco ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on May 28, 2009, 12:55:34 PM
Hell they wouldn't make it to Waco ;D

I wouldn't bet on many of them even getting far enough to get the keys into the ignition switches......
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on May 28, 2009, 01:53:14 PM
SURVIVOR

Texas Style

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor, Texas-Style."

The contestants will all start in Dallas , then drive to Waco , Austin , San Antonio , over to Houston , then down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio , El Paso , Midland , Odessa , Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth, and finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: "I'm Gay," "I Love the Dixie Chicks," "Boycott Beef," "I Voted for Obama," "George Strait Sucks," "Hillary in 2012," and "I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive, wins.

I figured it would be the one who made it out of the parking lot alive, or maybe just got the farthest.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on May 28, 2009, 04:26:26 PM
Three Knots:

Edward, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform
and heads for the docks once  more, for old times sake.

                 He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a  room.

                 He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his
                 age, but needing some  reassurance, he asks, 'How am I
                 doing?'

                 The prostitute replies, 'Well Ray, you old  sailor,
                 you're doing about three knots.'

                 'Three knots?' He asks, 'What's that  supposed to mean?'

                 She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and  you're
                knot  getting your money back!'

 :D :D :D :D ;D :D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on May 28, 2009, 04:28:59 PM
Hunting Season

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke
up raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He
walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and
to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there,
fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asks her: "What are you up to?"

Alice smiles:  "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly
decides to take her along.

Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just
outside of San Marcos, Texas.

Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand
and tells her:  "If you see a deer, take careful aim
on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the
shot".

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that
Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.

Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears
an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running
back.

As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming:
"Get the hell away from my deer!"

Confused and frightened Jake races faster towards his
screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get the
hell away from my deer!" followed by another volley
of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake
is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in
the air.

The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady!
You can have your damn deer!  Just let me get my saddle
off it!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: bjc1369 on May 28, 2009, 09:52:02 PM
I think Jake is the same guy who was well known in the area for poaching deer.  The local game warden had tried to catch him, but without any luck.  The warden decided to stake out Jake's house and arrived well before dawn.  He settled in about a 100 yards from Jake's house and hid in some tall weeds.  The warden suspected Jake would leave his house about dawn and go to his deer stand.  The warden also knew Jake had not purchased a hunting license.

Just before dawn, Jake opened the door and yelled, "Warden, it's cold out there.  Come on in and have a cup of coffee."  The warden was confused as to how Jake knew he was there, but got up and walked up to the house.  He and Jake sat at the table drinking coffee and telling stories.

Finally the warden asked, "OK, Jake, how the hell did you know I was out there?  I got here before any lights were on in the house and I'm sure you were not up yet."

"Oh, that's easy," said Jake.  "I open the door and yell that same invitation every morning."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on May 29, 2009, 07:52:12 AM
Today's quick Fairytale



The big bad Wolf said "I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down."

And the little piggy said ...

"F*ck off or I'll sneeze on you."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 29, 2009, 11:21:46 AM
Men's Age as Determined by a Trip to Walmart.

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint.  You have your old work clothes on.  You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing.  Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes.  Check yourself in the mirror and flex.  Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane.  And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
 
 
In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt.  Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else.  Wash your hands and comb your hair.  Check yourself in the mirror.  Still got it.  Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.  The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
 
 
In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.  Put on different  shoes and a hat. Wash your hands.  Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart.  Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.  The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.
 


In your 50's:
 
Stop what you are doing.  Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.  Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car.  Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat  The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.  Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got  Worms .'
 

In your 60's:
 
Stop what you are doing.  No need for a hat anymore.  Hose the dog shit off your shoes.  The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.  You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.  The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't  have your glasses on so you are not sure.
 

In your 70's:
 
Stop what you are doing.  Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready, too.  Don't even notice the dog shit on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.
 


In your 80's:
 
Stop what you are doing.  Start again.  Then stop again.  Now you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart.  Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.   You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on May 29, 2009, 12:04:28 PM
Men's Age as Determined by a Trip to Walmart.

.







Damn!!  I've jumped from my 50's right into my 80's!!   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on May 29, 2009, 12:11:17 PM
Marshal'ette you got to put a warning on stuff like that, especially for us guys over 60!

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on May 29, 2009, 12:26:59 PM

Stop what you are doing.  Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.  Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car.  Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat  The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.  Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got  Worms .'

I DO love to fish!      ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 29, 2009, 01:57:03 PM
I DO love to fish!      ;D

Well then worms or no worms.. you got my heart!  :-*
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on May 29, 2009, 02:30:06 PM
Well then worms or no worms.. you got my heart!  :-*

(http://www.smileyx.com/smilies/evilgrin0007.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on May 29, 2009, 04:52:29 PM
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and then asked, 'How does that feel'?
He  replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!'

 :o  :o  :o  :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on May 29, 2009, 05:45:17 PM
Well then worms or no worms.. you got my heart!  :-*

Who gets the rest of ya?        ;D





Yes ma'am, I'm headed to the corner.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on May 29, 2009, 05:47:35 PM
Who gets the rest of ya?        ;D





Yes ma'am, I'm headed to the corner.

Anyone ever re-stock the cheez-wiz?

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on May 29, 2009, 05:50:31 PM
Anyone ever re-stock the cheez-wiz?

 ;D


I'm waiting for M'ette to bring it over.  It's DARK in the corner.     ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on May 29, 2009, 06:26:09 PM
You can have my generic Cheez Wuz.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on May 30, 2009, 04:50:07 PM
Sometimes it pays to be old

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their seventieth anniversary. The
couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared,
where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car,
practically landing at their feet.

Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it
home.

There, she counted the money -- seventy-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.


The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning"
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday. "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on May 31, 2009, 06:17:02 PM
Don't know if this is just a coincidence ,  but....
 
2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia
2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing
2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of people around the globe.
 
Has any one else noticed this?  ...
 
It gets worse next year...   2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?  :o ???
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on May 31, 2009, 06:22:25 PM
Don't know if this is just a coincidence ,  but....
 
2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia
2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing
2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of people around the globe.
 
Has any one else noticed this?  ...
 
It gets worse next year...   2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?  :o ???

I suggest using it well the rest of the year just in case  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: blackwolfe on May 31, 2009, 06:26:49 PM
Don't know if this is just a coincidence ,  but....
 
2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia
2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing
2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of people around the globe.
 
Has any one else noticed this?  ...
 
It gets worse next year...   2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?  :o ???

I suggest using it well the rest of the year just in case  ;)

Kind of goes with that viagra thread.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: 1911 Junkie on May 31, 2009, 10:38:28 PM
Mr. Jones goes to the doctors office to check on his wifes test results.

The doctor tells Mr. Jones,"I have bad news and worse news. It seems the day your wife came into the office there were two Mrs. Jones'. The lab mixed up the test results and we don't know whether your wife has alzheimers or AIDS. Due to your insurance, they won't pay for another test."

Mr. Jones looked at the doctor and said,"Well, what are we supposed to do?"

The doctor replied."We thought of that. What you need to do is, drive your wife about 20 miles out of town and drop her off. If she finds her way home, don't F#@k her."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on May 31, 2009, 10:59:14 PM
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 01, 2009, 12:21:37 AM
BANNED FROM WAL-MART...

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:



Dear Mrs. Gilbert
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Gilbert are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras ...

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4 July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through yelled, 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' (My favorite ;D  )

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least...

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'


Sincerely,


Wal-Mart
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on June 01, 2009, 12:30:20 AM
Wisdom of a Retiree

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?
Well, I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas  hazaritas into urine.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on June 01, 2009, 06:13:07 AM
Things I Hate About Everyone



1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?


2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.


3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?


4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!


5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.


6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7 . When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.


8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?


9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?




 


 

 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on June 01, 2009, 11:48:22 AM
Q:  What time do senior citizens go to bed?

A:  Two hours after they fall asleep.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 01, 2009, 03:26:20 PM
Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign, 'Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world'.
"I am entering!" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes back and they ask her, Well how'd you do?
"First Place" said Snow White.
They continued walking and they see another sign, "Contest for the strongest man in the world".
"I'm entering, said Superman.
After half an? hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
"First place, answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt it?"
They continue to walk when they see a sign, 'Contest for the biggest Liar in the world'.
I'm entering said Pinocchio.
After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened? they asked.
"Who the hell is Nancy Pelosi?" asked Pinocchio.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 01, 2009, 03:30:29 PM
There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'











------AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????    :o  :o  :o  :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 01, 2009, 03:53:17 PM
A police motorcycle unit stops a driver for running a red light.
The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.
The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.
He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.
The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks, "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"
 
Officer responds, "Yes sir, that is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.
 
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

Lawyer: "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

Officer: "Aggressive and hostile Sir."

Lawyer: "Aggressive and hostile?"

Officer: "Yes Sir?

Lawyer: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"

Officer:  "Well sir, you know your client better than I do!"


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 01, 2009, 03:59:06 PM
The economy is so bad--

1.  I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.
 
2.  I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
 
3.  CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
 
4.  Hotwheels and Matchbox cars are now trading higher than GM.
 
5.  Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the stimulus Package.
 
6.  McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
 
7.  People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

8.  The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
 
9.  People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate; do you know how many kids are starving in the US?"
 
10.  Motel Six won't leave the lights on.

11.  The Mafia is laying off judges.

12.  If the bank returns your check marked "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: deepwater on June 01, 2009, 06:17:30 PM
At the end of a tiny deserted bar in downtown New Orleans sat a huge black man. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the big black man.

Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"

At this, the massive black man leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the shit out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.

Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the black man, and said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?"

"I don't know," the black man replied. "Something about a job."
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MinotBob on June 01, 2009, 09:36:06 PM
Don't know if this is just a coincidence ,  but....
 
2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia
2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing
2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of people around the globe.
 
Has any one else noticed this?  ...
 
It gets worse next year...   2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?  :o ???

Bill you need to check your facts. Your Chinese years are off.

2007 Year of the Pig
2008 Year of the Rat
2009 Year of the Ox
2010 Year of the Tiger

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on June 02, 2009, 03:10:11 AM
Bill you need to check your facts. Your Chinese years are off.

2007 Year of the Pig
2008 Year of the Rat
2009 Year of the Ox
2010 Year of the Tiger



hehe I know,   the Gay bloke at work was sooo upset when he found out that it was not going to be the year of the Cock
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fightingquaker13 on June 02, 2009, 03:23:28 AM
hehe I know,   the Gay bloke at work was sooo upset when he found out that it was not going to be the year of the Cock
Imagine how that poor SOB in Egypt felt. ;D
FQ13
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on June 02, 2009, 05:26:53 AM
Imagine how that poor SOB in Egypt felt. ;D
FQ13

hahahaha

well stumpy  won't be feeling it now  hahahaha
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on June 02, 2009, 08:27:48 AM
Farting problem.



A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says,

"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in   your office. You didn't know I was farting because it doesn't smell and is silent."

The doctor says,

"I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week".

The next week the lady returns.

"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly".

"Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.
 



When I first read this I lauged out loud and was lucky I wasn't drinkling coffee
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on June 02, 2009, 11:53:05 AM
A man in the Safeway Store tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very
young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of
lettuce.. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll
ask his manager about it.



Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,  "Some ass hole
wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned
to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman
has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal,
and the man went on his way.



Later the manager said to the
boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation
earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from,
son?" " Canada , sir," the boy replied. 'Well, why did you leave Canada ?"
the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey
players up there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada ."
"No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on June 02, 2009, 01:28:50 PM
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.  She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.

'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.   

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on June 02, 2009, 03:03:33 PM
THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON

 YOUR SHOULDER?"


 

 THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER

 CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."

 "I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT.

"WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."


 

 THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED

 CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH,

 BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.


 

HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.

 THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD

 FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

 "MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

 "I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

 "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE.

 "HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT",  WHISPERED MILDRED.

 "WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE..

 "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

 "I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT
 

 THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on June 03, 2009, 03:42:11 PM
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over..  I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: True_Texan on June 03, 2009, 04:12:19 PM
The  Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After  they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound  asleep.


Some hours later, Tonto wakes the  Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what  you see? '


'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions  of stars.'


'What that tell you?' asked  Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a  minute then says, 'Astronomically  speaking, it  tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially  billions  of planets.

Astrologically, it tells  me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise,  it  appears to be approximately a quarter past three  in the morning. 

Theologically, the  Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.   

Meteorologically, it  seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it  tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo sh!t. It means someone stole the tent.  '
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 04, 2009, 04:50:08 PM
This just in...

After his election, the U.S. Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama.
But there was a problem.
It seems that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing and $4.73 million in congressional hearings, a special Presidential Commission presented the following findings:

1.  The stamp is in perfect order.

2.  There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.

3.  People are spitting on the wrong side.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 04, 2009, 04:52:18 PM
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks.

His bookkeeper is deaf.

That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what did he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."




Don't you just love lawyers!??
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tumblebug on June 04, 2009, 05:34:45 PM
r o f l m a o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: True_Texan on June 05, 2009, 08:53:48 AM
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that lights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it an d says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 06, 2009, 08:35:58 PM
Did you know that Eagles mate for life?

Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years.
After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her.
 
She had been shot dead!
Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate.
 
He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.
The sex was good but all the dove would say is, 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.
 
He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........
'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!'

So out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate.
 
This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest.
 
This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....

 (scroll down)


 

 

 

 


NO, The duck didn't say THAT!... Don't be SO disgusting!

The duck said....

 

 


'I am a DRAKE, You made a MISTAKE !!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 06, 2009, 08:38:50 PM
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blond stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioned in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly  after  landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" 

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
 
Two lessons here:
 
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blonds aren't as dumb as most folks think


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on June 07, 2009, 08:45:06 PM
Threat Levels


The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance."   The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
 
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
 
It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
 
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful  Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
 
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
 
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
 
Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
 
And at a local level... New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the
airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us".  In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".
 
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on June 07, 2009, 08:58:33 PM
Peg,

The only problem with this is that the UK and Western Europe have already surrendered.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 07, 2009, 09:01:03 PM
Peg, Phil

The only problem with this is that the UK and Western Europe have already surrendered.

There, fixed it for ya old sport.          ;)













 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on June 07, 2009, 09:04:28 PM
There, fixed it for ya old sport.          ;)













 ;D

DOH! (http://www.mazeguy.net/cartoon/homersimpson.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on June 07, 2009, 09:53:54 PM
There, fixed it for ya old sport.          ;)
 ;D

Hazaritas, I think. He even called me Tab yesterday, but I let it pass.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 07, 2009, 11:24:34 PM
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful  Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

That one isn't valid because the only ones they've lost to in the last 150 years are Russia 1 for 2  and us 2 for 2 France on the other hand has lost to everyone they have fought, including Mexico, England has consistently gotten  bored and gone home from everywhere except the Falklands and Northern Ireland, The Spanish have at least beaten some North African tribesman, which puts them ahead of the French
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on June 08, 2009, 07:22:36 AM
Wisdom from Military Manuals,
 
Not all jokes but nevertheless funny !
A few here I reckon the pilots among you will enjoy !

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
-  Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
 ---------------------------------------------------
"Aim towards the Enemy" 
 - Instructions printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher
 ---------------------------------------------------
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our  friend." -
 
 - U.S. Marine Corps
 ---------------------------------------------------
 "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed always to hit the ground."
 - USAF Ammo Troop
 ---------------------------------------------------
"If the Enemy is in range, so are you."
  - Infantry Journal
 ---------------------------------------------------
"It is generally inadvisable to eject over the area you just bombed"
 -  U.S. Air Force Manual
  ---------------------------------------------------
 "Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."

 - General MacArthur
 ---------------------------------------------------
"Try  to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
        -  Infantry Journal
 ---------------------------------------------------
 "You, you, and you.  Panic. The rest of you come with me." -
  - U.S. Marine Gunnery Sgt.   (Mgysgt5)
 ----------------------------------------------------
 "Tracers work both ways."

 -  U.S. Army Ordnance
 ----------------------------------------------------
 "Five second fuses only last three seconds"

 -  Infantry Journal
 ----------------------------------------------------
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do
anything..."
 -  U.S. Navy Swabbie
 ----------------------------------------------------
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." -

        -  David Hackworth
 -----------------------------------------------------
 "If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."

        -  Infantry Journal
 -----------------------------------------------------
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
 
        -  Joe Gay
 ------------------------------------------------------
"Any ship can be a minesweeper.  Once."
 
       -   unknown
 ------------------------------------------------------
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
         
 -  Unknown Marine Recruit
 -------------------------------------------------------

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
  -------------------------------------------------------
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him and try to keep up."
 
        -  USAF Ammo Troop
 -------------------------------------------------------
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
         
 -  Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
 -------------------------------------------------------
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
 -------------------------------------------------------
 Bluewater Navy truism:  There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
 
 -  From an old carrier  sailor
  ------------------------------------------------------
 "If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter --
 and therefore, unsafe."
 -------------------------------------------------------
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left
 to get you to the scene of the crash."
 -------------------------------------------------------
 "Without munitions, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
 -------------------------------------------------------
 "What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the
 pilot dies; If ATC screws up....The pilot dies."
 -------------------------------------------------------
 "Never trade luck for skill."
 -------------------------------------------------------
 The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why
 is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...!"
  ------------------------------------------------------
 "Weather  forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
 -------------------------------------------------------
 "Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to complete the flight
 successfully."
  -------------------------------------------------------
 "Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we've never left one up there!"
 -------------------------------------------------------
 "Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag to store dead
 batteries."
  -------------------------------------------------------
 "Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your flight to a person on the
 ground who is incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
 --------------------------------------------------------
 "The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
 
 -  Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test  pilot)
  --------------------------------------------------------
 "A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum."
  -  Jon McBride, astronaut
  --------------------------------------------------------
 "If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as
 possible."
 
 -  Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
  --------------------------------------------------------
 "Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
 -------------------------------------------------------
 "There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
 
        -  Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ,  1970
 ---------------------------------------------------------
 "If  something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
 --------------------------------------------------------
 Basic Flying Rules:
 "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges
 of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees
 and interstellar space.  It is much more difficult to fly there."
  -------------------------------------------------------
 "You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes
  full power to taxi to the terminal."
  --------------------------------------------------------------
 As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?". The pilot's reply, "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
--------------------------------------------------------------

 When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
   --------------------------------------------------------------
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: bjc1369 on June 08, 2009, 04:54:27 PM
I once say a series of repair/accident reports and they were presented as true:

Pilot - left wheel almost flat
Ground crew - left wheel almost repaired

Almost all aircraft crashes are caused by flying too low to the ground.

There were more, but since I have an advanced case of CRS, this is all I can remember.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 08, 2009, 07:34:12 PM
Hazaritas, I think. He even called me Tab yesterday, but I let it pass.

Yes ............ too many Hazeritas? .........or senoritas? ............................ or maybe 'old-age-a-ritas'?        ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D
















 ;D   ;)   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 08, 2009, 10:51:29 PM
Two medical students were walking down the street and saw an old man walking with his legs apart.
 
He was stiff legged and walking slowly.
 
One of the students said to his friend, 'I'm sure the poor old man has Petry Syndrome.   Those people
walk just like that.'

The other student said, 'No, I don't think so.  The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly
and his legs are apart just as we learned in class.'

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him,  'We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you have.    Could you tell us what it is?'

The old man said, 'I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you two fine medical students think.'

One of the students said, 'I think it's Petry Syndrome.'
The old man said, 'You thought.... but you are wrong.'
 
Then the other student said, 'I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.'

The old man said, 'You are both wrong.'
They asked him, 'Well, old timer, what do you have?'

The old man said,  'I thought it was GAS.......,
                                               but I was wrong too.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 08, 2009, 11:00:08 PM
A little known fact....
 
The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

 It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.




 :-[

(http://www.heathersanimations.com/smilies/81.gif) guys................................



(http://www.cascity.com/howard/forum/cryinglaughing.gif)
NOT!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 09, 2009, 12:46:22 AM
President Obama was looking for a call girl.

He found three such girls, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde he said, 'I am the President of The United States.
Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'
She replied, $200.

To the brunette he asked the same question. 
Her reply was $100.

He then asked the redhead.
Her reply was, 'Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my
taxes, my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours  as hard as
 the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price  of energy and
screw me the way you have the Country, then it isn't  going to cost you a bloody cent!'



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on June 09, 2009, 04:00:56 AM
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year the Wong’s have a new baby.

The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...

Are you ready for this?



Sum Ting Wong
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 09, 2009, 10:23:30 AM
Now there's help for your dog.. ;D

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 09, 2009, 11:51:19 AM
Mt. Rushmore as seen from Canada...........

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 09, 2009, 01:21:44 PM
Mt. Rushmore as seen from Canada...........





(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/emotions/laughing-7.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: m25operator on June 09, 2009, 07:14:36 PM
 ;D ;D ;D Peg, that's funny right tere  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on June 10, 2009, 10:56:40 AM
This was in an email I received. It is a joke. So, I am posting it here. But maybe it belongs on the Politics thread.


In Texas, a woman was called in front of a grand jury for possible manslaughter charges after she shot a mugger in the back six times as he was     
running away with her purse. He had grabbed her purse and ran. She had her hand on her gun inside the purse and when he ran with the purse she was   
left holding just the gun.                                                                                                                           

When asked by the grand jury why she shot him six times, in the back as he was running, under oath she replied "Because when I pulled the trigger   
the 7th time, it only went click."                                                                                                                   

She was acquitted of all charges because that's the way it is in Texas and the way it should be everywhere.                                         
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on June 10, 2009, 12:59:15 PM
This was in an email I received. It is a joke. So, I am posting it here. But maybe it belongs on the Politics thread.


In Texas, a woman was called in front of a grand jury for possible manslaughter charges after she shot a mugger in the back six times as he was     
running away with her purse. He had grabbed her purse and ran. She had her hand on her gun inside the purse and when he ran with the purse she was   
left holding just the gun.                                                                                                                           

When asked by the grand jury why she shot him six times, in the back as he was running, under oath she replied "Because when I pulled the trigger   
the 7th time, it only went click."                                                                                                                   

She was acquitted of all charges because that's the way it is in Texas and the way it should be everywhere.                                         


Damn straight!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on June 10, 2009, 02:01:46 PM
What does God and obama have in common?








Neither of them can produce a birth certificate
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on June 10, 2009, 03:15:57 PM
The madam opened the brothel door in Duluth & saw a rather dignified,
well-dressed, good-looking man in his late 40's or early 50's.



'May I help you sir?' she asked.  'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer
someone else', said the madam.



'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied. Just then, Valerie appeared & announced to
the man she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out
$5,000 & gave it to Valerie, & they went upstairs.



After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once
more demanding to see

Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back 2 nights in a row as
she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.



Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, & they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.

The following night, the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he
had come for a 3rd consecutive night, but he paid Valerie & they went upstairs..



After their session, Valerie questioned the man, 'No one has ever been with me 3
nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked.



The man replied, ' Minneapolis '. 'Really', she said. 'I have family in
Minneapolis .'



'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, & I am her attorney. She asked me to
give you your $15,000 inheritance.'



The moral of the story is that 3 things in life are certain:



1. Death



2. Taxes



3. Being screwed by a lawyer....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on June 10, 2009, 04:17:44 PM
What does God and obama have in common?








Neither of them can produce a birth certificate


What's the difference between God and Obama?








God doesn't think he's Obama.    ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on June 11, 2009, 06:57:39 PM
Health Advice For Women

IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE FOR WOMEN

* Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

* Do you suffer from shyness?

* Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about HAZaritas. HAZaritas are the safe, natural way to
feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.
HAZaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the
world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of HAZaritas almost immediately and with
a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent
you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness
will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you
never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living, with HAZaritas.

HAZaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or
nursing should not use HAZaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind
nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:

- Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration

- Erotic lustfulness

- Loss of motor control

- Loss of clothing

- Loss of money

- Loss of virginity

- Loss of bladder control

- Attraction to ugly men

- Table dancing

- Headache

- Dehydration

- Dry mouth

- And a desire to sing Karaoke

WARNING:
The consumption of HAZaritas may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
WARNING:
The consumption of HAZaritas may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.
WARNING:
The consumption of HAZaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING:
The consumption of HAZaritas may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
..................................................................
I stayed at a Holiday Inn, it must be true laugh.gif
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: True_Texan on June 12, 2009, 01:24:03 AM
Great T-shirt:

(http://i598.photobucket.com/albums/tt63/True-Texan/12417389549637_t-shi1024x768.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: bjc1369 on June 12, 2009, 12:23:13 PM
Most people assume there's a motion sensor in the auto-flush doodads that are becoming so prevalent in public crappers.  Nope.  There's actually a little camera in there that is connected to the local offices of the Automated Servo Sequencers for a Healthier Overall Lifestyle and Everyday Satisfaction (ASSHOLES), a branch of the taxpayer-funded Idealistic Groupies for the National Office for Retrofitting America’s Nonstandard Toilets (IGNORANT).  There's someone in the IGNORANT ASSHOLES office watching your butt on a 52" 1080p Hi-Def video monitor.  When you finish your business, they are supposed to push a button which causes the head to flush.

These IGNORANT ASSHOLES work a 3-hour per day shift with two 30-minute breaks and an hour and a half for lunch.  They are also on a 3-day work week and get 24 weeks of paid vacation plus 18 weeks of sick leave each year.  IGNORANT ASSHOLES are paid by the number of times they push their buttons, so many just continually push without regard to actual need.  Inappropriate use of equipment by taxpayer-funded personnel without regard to actual need is known as Better Service (BS) by IGNORANT ASSHOLES.

Most IGNORANT ASSHOLES think their working conditions are in violation of the Federal Legislation Upcoming in the Senate and House (FLUSH), so the bill has been tabled and is being rewritten.  As a result, the general public is often splattered because of uncontrolled BS and the lack of a good FLUSH.

IGNORANT ASSHOLES claim to be so overworked the Colossal Omnibus Non-worker Gratification by Redistributing Everyoneelse's Salary Service (CONGRESS) and President Barack Obama (BO) were notified.  CONGRESS and BO heavily courted IGNORANT ASSHOLES in the last election by offering an increase in benefits and an exemption from doing any work whatsoever.  It is well known that CONGRESS and BO will bail out IGNORANT ASSHOLES by implementing a new BS tax.

It has never been reported by the Crapper Benevolence Society (CBS) or any of the other No Evidence Wanted or Solicited (NEWS) outlets, but CONGRESS and BO relied heavily on IGNORANT ASSHOLES and BS to get elected.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 12, 2009, 12:37:03 PM
Why is this considered a joke ? It should be in politics as it sums up the last election perfectly. If it wasn't for the "No Evidence Wanted or Solicited (NEWS)" acronym  I would be crying, not laughing.  :(
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on June 12, 2009, 04:39:14 PM
Most people assume there's a motion sensor in the auto-flush doodads that are becoming so prevalent in public crappers.  Nope.  There's actually a little camera in there that is connected to the local offices of the Automated Servo Sequencers for a Healthier Overall Lifestyle and Everyday Satisfaction (ASSHOLES), a branch of the taxpayer-funded Idealistic Groupies for the National Office for Retrofitting America’s Nonstandard Toilets (IGNORANT).  There's someone in the IGNORANT ASSHOLES office watching your butt on a 52" 1080p Hi-Def video monitor.  When you finish your business, they are supposed to push a button which causes the head to flush.

These IGNORANT ASSHOLES work a 3-hour per day shift with two 30-minute breaks and an hour and a half for lunch.  They are also on a 3-day work week and get 24 weeks of paid vacation plus 18 weeks of sick leave each year.  IGNORANT ASSHOLES are paid by the number of times they push their buttons, so many just continually push without regard to actual need.  Inappropriate use of equipment by taxpayer-funded personnel without regard to actual need is known as Better Service (BS) by IGNORANT ASSHOLES.

Most IGNORANT ASSHOLES think their working conditions are in violation of the Federal Legislation Upcoming in the Senate and House (FLUSH), so the bill has been tabled and is being rewritten.  As a result, the general public is often splattered because of uncontrolled BS and the lack of a good FLUSH.

IGNORANT ASSHOLES claim to be so overworked the Colossal Omnibus Non-worker Gratification by Redistributing Everyoneelse's Salary Service (CONGRESS) and President Barack Obama (BO) were notified.  CONGRESS and BO heavily courted IGNORANT ASSHOLES in the last election by offering an increase in benefits and an exemption from doing any work whatsoever.  It is well known that CONGRESS and BO will bail out IGNORANT ASSHOLES by implementing a new BS tax.

It has never been reported by the Crapper Benevolence Society (CBS) or any of the other No Evidence Wanted or Solicited (NEWS) outlets, but CONGRESS and BO relied heavily on IGNORANT ASSHOLES and BS to get elected.



Ok, so where's the joke?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: mudman on June 12, 2009, 04:52:57 PM
Jokes  on the ABI NORMAL A$$HOLE$    U S
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on June 12, 2009, 05:46:55 PM
Jokes  on the ABI NORMAL A$$HOLE$    U S

Dr. Fankenstein:  "Whose brain DID you use?"
Igor:  "Abby.......something."
Dr. Frankenstein:  "Abby Something?!?"
Igor:  "Yes Master, Abby..........Normal."


I LOVE that movie!!!  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on June 12, 2009, 06:08:05 PM
Dr. Fankenstein:  "Whose brain DID you use?"
Igor:  "Abby.......something."
Dr. Frankenstein:  "Abby Something?!?"
Igor:  "Yes Master, Abby..........Normal."


I LOVE that movie!!!  ;D

"Hump?  What hump?"..... ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 12, 2009, 06:45:33 PM

I prefer Robert Burns my self
My hearts in the Highlands
My heart is not here
Cuz Dr. Frankenstien took it
To use as an ear.


            These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

            __________________________________________________

            Q: Does it ever get windy in   Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (   UK ).

            A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

            __________________________________________________

            Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
            A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

            __________________________________________________

            Q: I want to walk from   Perth to   Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
            A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

            __________________________________________________

            Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in   Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane ,   Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )
            A: What did your last slave die of?

            __________________________________________________

            Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in   Australia ? ( USA )
            A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of   Europe .
            Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
            ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

            __________________________________________________

            Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

            A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

            _________________________________________________

            Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
            A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...

            __________________________________________________

            Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (   USA )

            A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is 
            oh forget it. Sure, the   Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

            __________________________________________________

            Q: Can I wear high heels in   Australia ? ( UK )
            A: You are a British politician, right?

            ____________________________ ______________________

            Q: Are there supermarkets in   Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
            A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
            Milk is illegal.

            __________________________________________________

            Q: Please send a list of all doctors in   Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
            A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
            All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

            __________________________________________________

            Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

            A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
            You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

            __________________________________________________

            Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in   Australia ? ( USA )
            A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

            __________________________________________________

            Q: Can you tell me the regions in   Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male popula tion? (   Italy )

            A: Yes, gay night clubs.

            __________________________________________________

            Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in   Australia ? ( France )

            A: Only at Christmas.


            __________________________________________________

            Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

            A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: deepwater on June 13, 2009, 12:05:06 AM
The Queen and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

  The Madame Speaker and The Queen, however, have seen it all before. To make it a little more interesting, Madame Speaker says to the Queen, "Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every democrat in the crowd go wild?"

  She doubts it, so she shows her. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd.. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

  The Queen, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what she could do..

  "That was impressive, the Queen says, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice." < br>   The speaker seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Queen slapped her.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 14, 2009, 11:30:35 AM
A slow day in Texas - Obamanomics Explained

 
 
It is a slow day in the East Texas town of Madisonville.

It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted.
Times are tough, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich tourist from the East is driving through town.
He enters the only hotel in the sleepy town and lays a hundred dollar bill on the desk stating he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
As soon as the man walks up the stairs, the hotel proprietor takes the hundred dollar bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to pay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer then takes the $100 and heads off to pay his debt to the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has lately had to offer her "services" on credit.
The hooker runs to the hotel and pays off her debt with the $100 to the hotel proprietor, paying for the rooms that she had rented when she brought clients to that establishment.
The hotel proprietor then lays the $100 bill back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveler from the East walks back down the stairs, after inspecting the rooms.
He picks up the $100 bill and states that the rooms are not satisfactory...... pockets the money and walks out the door and leaves town.

No one earned anything. However the whole town is now out of debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism and hope.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is conducting business today.



If that doesn't scare the hell out of you, then I don't know what will.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 14, 2009, 11:32:36 AM
Barack Hussein Obama was looking for a call girl.
He found three such girls in a local pub, a blond, a brunette and a redhead.
To the blond he said, 'I am the President of the United States. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'
She replied, '$200.'
To the brunette he asked the same question.
Her reply was $100.
He then asked the redhead.
Her reply was, 'Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of gas, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you have retirees, then it isn't going to cost you a damn cent!'.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 14, 2009, 11:36:49 AM
An interesting analysis... 

The math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce is as follows:
After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.   
Assuming he got sex every night during their 5 year relationship, it ended up costing him $26,849 per time. 

On the other hand, New York Governor Elliot Spitzer 's hooker, Kristen, an absolute stunner with a body like no other, charges $4,000 an hour. For anything! 

Had Paul McCartney "employed" Kristen for 5 years, he would have paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years.
(a $41.7 million savings).

Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, plays all requests, no bitching and complaining or 'honey-do' lists.
Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back when asked.
All at 1/7th the cost, and no legal fees.

Sometimes leasing just makes more sense. 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 14, 2009, 11:39:59 AM
C-130 vs. F-16

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.

The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished
with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.

The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'

The C-130 pilot chuckled, 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun.'

When you are young & foolish -speed & flash may seem a good thing !!!

When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing !!!

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 14, 2009, 12:01:24 PM
The lawn mower experience 

(http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/lol3.gif)

 We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago,
I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.
To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and
ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26
miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet
into the ground. The ground rod is the key - the more you have in the
ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big
wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard.
I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around
the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand
and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger
is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside
down cow, on fire, on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of
my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower
ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton
rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with
the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower
were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ.
Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in
less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where
time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just
crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in
reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block
Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into
holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down
so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....
but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or
whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting
signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil.
At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it,
until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping
run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think
'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough
lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI
motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing
in my own backyard, begging God to kill me.
God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids
to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me,
out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and
then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was
on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and
in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little
session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was
better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the
number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.
I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make
sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence,
I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and
THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over - which also reminds
me to triple check before I mow.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on June 15, 2009, 07:06:10 AM
The three stages of a man's life


Single
(http://inlinethumb41.webshots.com/42792/2528076710100403462S500x500Q85.jpg)


Married
(http://inlinethumb32.webshots.com/42463/2702944010100403462S500x500Q85.jpg)


Divorced
(http://inlinethumb56.webshots.com/44471/2073302000100403462S500x500Q85.jpg)



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: shooter32 on June 15, 2009, 09:35:52 AM
Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow, I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.'

Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.

The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.

'Logic?' Larry says. 'What's that?'

The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'

'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.' 'Yes, I have a family.

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife , then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Doug says, 'What's that?'

Larry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No.'

'Then you're a queer.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: shooter32 on June 15, 2009, 10:40:04 AM
OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part
of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's
like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.'

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with
her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth
in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.'

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first
with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 15, 2009, 07:42:54 PM
The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama.  The stamp was not sticking to envelopes. 
 
This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.  After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings: The stamp is in perfect order.  There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.  People are spitting on the wrong side.
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on June 15, 2009, 07:57:39 PM
Trick Shot

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9rEor8-dm58

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on June 15, 2009, 09:31:26 PM
Trick Shot

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9rEor8-dm58

Phil we were doing that shot when I was 12 and I am 55 now!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 15, 2009, 10:34:07 PM
((As by request of Tomboggan))

Do you really know your theology?

Who was the 3rd man in history to walk on water?
*
*
*
*
*

The 1st one was Christ.
*
*
*
*
*

The 2nd was the apostle Peter.
*
*
*
*
*
Then there was this guy Jose...
*
*
*
*
*
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/ATT43932611.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on June 15, 2009, 10:35:15 PM
4th was Obama
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 15, 2009, 10:38:54 PM
Just a thought.

Did  you ever think that President Obama signed his stimulus  package at the same desk where President Clinton got his  package stimulated?


(((I know........not a very lady like thought........... :-[ :-[ )))
Is there room in the corner?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on June 15, 2009, 10:40:08 PM
Is there room in the corner?

No girls allowed in the Man Cave!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 15, 2009, 10:53:49 PM
No girls allowed in the Man Cave!


We'll have to work on that, cuz you know Letty and Angie will wind up there eventually.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 15, 2009, 10:57:04 PM
No girls allowed? What kind of BS is that? I can guarantee I'm a hell of a lot more fun than most of the guys..  ;D
but....if that's the way you want it.. .. I'll just take my big kettle of fried chicken and 2 kegs of cold beer elsewhere , where I'm wanted. :P
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: brosometal on June 15, 2009, 11:03:18 PM
No girls allowed? What kind of BS is that? I can guarantee I'm a hell of a lot more fun than most of the guys..  ;D
but....if that's the way you want it.. .. I'll just take my big kettle of fried chicken and 2 kegs of cold beer elsewhere , where I'm wanted. :P


If you're carrying it, you can sit in any corner you like.  Heck, you can have the recliner.  I ain't messin' with anyone whose toting two kegs and a kettle of fried chicken. ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 15, 2009, 11:03:31 PM
No girls allowed? What kind of BS is that? I can guarantee I'm a hell of a lot more fun than most of the guys..  ;D
but....if that's the way you want it.. .. I'll just take my big kettle of fried chicken and 2 kegs of cold beer elsewhere , where I'm wanted. :P


DON'T BE HASTY , dear Lady, I'm sure we can make some accommodation for you .

OK YOU CHEEZ WIZ MUNCHING  SOB's, tear down the Nekkid pictures and make room for the Lady with the Chicken and beer !!!  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on June 16, 2009, 12:03:12 AM
No girls allowed? What kind of BS is that? I can guarantee I'm a hell of a lot more fun than most of the guys..  ;D
but....if that's the way you want it.. .. I'll just take my big kettle of fried chicken and 2 kegs of cold beer elsewhere , where I'm wanted. :P


Sweetheart, E12 is an IDIOT!

PLEASE bring yer kettle o' chicken an' beer! (got any fried bass? ) ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MinotBob on June 16, 2009, 12:39:40 AM
  Drafting Guys over 60----this is funny and obviously written by a Former Soldier...



New Direction for any war:
Send Service Vets over 60!



I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier.. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some %!*@%#@ that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing fanatical s-o-b's....

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser..

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS !!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!

If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!

Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 16, 2009, 12:41:05 AM
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/mime-attachment1.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 16, 2009, 02:05:40 AM
From here on M'ette will be in charge of the posters in the corner  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on June 16, 2009, 05:59:06 AM
From here on M'ette will be in charge of the posters in the corner  ;D

Maybe. . . .  I ain't giving up my Dillon calendars!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 16, 2009, 09:00:31 AM
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. 

For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied,  "If you were better lookin', it would lift itself."

 :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 16, 2009, 09:06:55 AM
Thank goodness there's chicken and beer in the corner.........



It is not recommended that couples participate..............
 
 
 Spring Classes for Women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

        REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Friday,  May 29, 2009

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


        Class 1
        Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
        Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
        Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM.. 

        Class 2
        Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
        Round Table Discussion.
        Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours. 

        Class 3
        Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wall-Mart Without Stopping?
        Group Debate.
        Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours. 

        Class 4
        Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase
        Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
        Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

        Class 5
        Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
        Examples on Video.
        Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM 

        Class 6
        How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program.
        Help Line Support and Support Groups.
        Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

        Class 7
        Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
        Open Forum.
        Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

        Class 8
        Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
        Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. 

        Class 9
        I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
        Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined. 

        Class 10
        How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
        Driving Simulations.
        4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

        Class 11
        Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
        Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

        Class 12
        How to Shop by Yourself.
        Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM. 

        Class 13
        How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering To Take a List To The Store, Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed.
        Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
        Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

        Class 14
        The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
        Live Demonstration.
        Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined. 

        Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.



Don't shoot the messenger. 

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 16, 2009, 10:11:07 AM
I wonder if they come in different colors?
I wonder about the fragrance?
I wonder if it would help to put those preservative packets in the water?
I wonder if they bloom?
I wonder whether they would look better on the kitchen table or in the entry?
I wonder if they're cheaper by the dozen?
I wonder if they come in long-stemmed?


Captured at 115th and Allisonville Rd, in Fishers, Indiana .
The sign is real and was up for two hours before someone stopped and told them how to spell PEONIES!!!!!
  ;D ;D

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/ipenis.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: blackwolfe on June 16, 2009, 01:06:49 PM

We'll have to work on that, cuz you know Letty and Angie will wind up there eventually.  ;D

Don't forget Red.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on June 16, 2009, 01:13:46 PM
Hmmmmm.... I do like beer.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: lettyinreno on June 16, 2009, 01:19:59 PM
Don't forget Red.
Yup, pass me a beer & chicken leg :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 16, 2009, 02:35:59 PM
tt has been quite today, but I'm sure he'll be along  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: mosbear on June 16, 2009, 03:23:28 PM
I wonder if they come in different colors?
I wonder about the fragrance?
I wonder if it would help to put those preservative packets in the water?
I wonder if they bloom?
I wonder whether they would look better on the kitchen table or in the entry?
I wonder if they're cheaper by the dozen?
I wonder if they come in long-stemmed?


Captured at 115th and Allisonville Rd, in Fishers, Indiana .
The sign is real and was up for two hours before someone stopped and told them how to spell PEONIES!!!!!
  ;D ;D

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/ipenis.jpg)


M'ette, poor thing!  :'( :'( :'( :'(

They do come in long-stemmed.











 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 17, 2009, 12:37:22 AM
M'ette, poor thing!  :'( :'( :'( :'(

They do come in long-stemmed.




Hell I didn't know they came in long stemmed! (http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/erst060.gif)

So don't waste your tears on me...
Better save them and give them to poor Marshal... 
He's the one who needs them. (http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/rofl.gif)

Score:  Marshal-0      M'Ette 1
(http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/high5.gif)


Ah-oh... when Marshal sees this..I'm gonna be in trouuuuble...

(http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/mage.gif)



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on June 17, 2009, 12:52:24 PM
No girls allowed? What kind of BS is that? I can guarantee I'm a hell of a lot more fun than most of the guys..  ;D
but....if that's the way you want it.. .. I'll just take my big kettle of fried chicken and 2 kegs of cold beer elsewhere , where I'm wanted. :P




C'mon sugar, I'll share my recliner with you.    ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on June 17, 2009, 06:07:49 PM
Don't forget Red.

Is there tequilla in that corner?   If so, count me in!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: brosometal on June 17, 2009, 08:02:21 PM

Is there tequilla in that corner?   If so, count me in!!

The tequila's in the corner at Haz's house.  He is always happy to share.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on June 17, 2009, 10:28:20 PM
The tequila's in the corner at Haz's house.  He is always happy to share.

;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 17, 2009, 11:11:06 PM
Red.. You and Tequila and Haz ? Together? In the same room?

God help you.. and "Glue your clothes on... "


 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 18, 2009, 12:36:32 AM
Red.. You and Tequila and Haz ? Together? In the same room?

God help you.. and "Glue your clothes on... "


 ;D
I just heard God speak to me and what he said was, "She isn't dragging me into THAT one".
I think God might want to look the other way if that combination ever occurs.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on June 19, 2009, 12:28:16 AM
A naked man looks in the mirror and says to his wife
"Why do i always get a hard on when i look at myself"

Wife says
"Because your cock thinks you're a twat to"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on June 19, 2009, 01:22:17 AM
Susan Boyles new job

Fresh from second place in Britains Got Talent and a small stint in a mental hospital, Susan BOYLE has now been employed by the British Government as the latest weapon in the fight against Muslim terrorism. 

Her face is being used on posters informing muslims that those 27 virgins waiting for them in paradise are not good looking at all.....





Still a nice change from camels and goats though...

(http://zeldalily.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/susan-boyle-oprah-invite.jpg)

(http://www.tropicalisland.de/united_arab_emirates/dubai/hatta_heritage_village/images/DXB%20Hatta%20Heritage%20Village%20-%20camel%20face%20detail%2001%205340x3400.jpg)

(http://farm1.static.flickr.com/225/501652642_d66cb50076.jpg?v=0)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on June 19, 2009, 07:39:20 AM

Hell I didn't know they came in long stemmed! (http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/erst060.gif)

So don't waste your tears on me...
Better save them and give them to poor Marshal... 
He's the one who needs them. (http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/rofl.gif)

Score:  Marshal-0      M'Ette 1
(http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/high5.gif)


Ah-oh... when Marshal sees this..I'm gonna be in trouuuuble...

(http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/mage.gif)






You won't be in trouble, you (like ALL wives) are the boss!!  That is true by virtue of the fact that you control half the money, and ALL the nookie!!   ;D









Is there any room left in the corner?  I'm just wondering.  No reason.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on June 19, 2009, 10:19:39 AM
 Husband and Wife humor!

 
Wife:    'What are you doing?'   
 
Husband:   Nothing.
 
Wife:     'Nothing...?  You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
 
Husband:     'I was looking for the expiration date.'   
 
-------------------------------
 
Wife :   'Do you want dinner?'   
 
Husband:    'Sure! What are my choices?'   
 
Wife:    'Yes or no.'     
 

Wife:           'You always carry my photo in your wallet..  Why?'
 
Hubby:           'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'   
 
Wife:       'You see how miraculous and powerful I
am for you?'
 
Hubby:            'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'   
 
--------------------------------------------------------   
 
Stress Reliever Girl:       'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'   
 
Boy:       'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'   
 
Girl:       'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
 
------------------------------
 
Son:       'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'   
 
Mom:    'Well, you have done the right thing.'   
 
Son:       'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'   
 
________________________________
 
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'   
 
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'   
 
------------------------------------------------------------   
 
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
 
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
 
-------------------------------
 
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'   
 
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'   

Husbands are husbands


A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.  'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week. Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.  Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.  Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on June 21, 2009, 01:24:09 AM
Need a new shirt?

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Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on June 21, 2009, 07:08:41 AM
When to keep your mouth shut.

Today they're leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine.They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate.

The priest says that he would like to face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest. Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest.

They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. So they release the drunkard as well.

The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine,

when suddenly the engineer says: Hey, I see what your problem is!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on June 21, 2009, 07:09:51 AM
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.
The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you.
You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life.
Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money.
All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife s soul, your children s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what s the catch?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on June 21, 2009, 07:11:36 AM
The scene is set, the night is cold, the campfire is burning and the stars twinkle in the dark night sky...

Three hang-glider pilots, one from Australia, one from South Africa and the other from New Zealand, are sitting round a campfire near Ayers Rock, each embroiled with the bravado for which they are famous.

A night of tall tales begins....
Kiven, the kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest heng glider dude there us. Why, just the other day, I linded in a field and scared a crocodile thet got loose from the swamp. Et ate sux men before I wrestled ut to the ground weth my bare hends end beat ut's bliddy 'ed un.

Jerry from South Africa typically can't stand to be bettered. "Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight on a tiny treck, ind a fifteen foot Namibian desert snike slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grebbed thet borsted with my bare hinds and tore it's head orf ind sucked the poison down in one gulp. Ind I'm still here today".

Barry the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on June 21, 2009, 10:21:07 PM
Love it….

Catholic guy goes into the confessional box. He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.

Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

The priest replies "Get out. You're on my side."
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: shooter32 on June 23, 2009, 12:26:24 PM
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.  He was stiff legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.  Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.  He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him:

"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.  Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"





The old man said, "I thought it was GAS.......................But I was wrong."
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 23, 2009, 08:30:04 PM
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.
They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.  Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you.
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.
Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire"
The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."
"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien.
He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire.
There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt, crumpled mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
About a half hour passed.
When he finally regained consciousness, he re-focused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big green head.
"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien "He dam near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my
intergalactic travels, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 23, 2009, 08:32:39 PM
We're in Good Hands

Ah, the automobile industry is now "In good hands."  This is directed particularly to you engineers. 

Automotive Industry Challenge... David Cole
(From a senior level Chrysler person)
                                                 
Monday morning I attended a breakfast meeting where the speaker/guest was David E. Cole, Chairman, Center for Automotive Research (CAR and Professor at the Univ. of Michigan . You have all likely heard CAR quoted, or referred to in the auto industry news lately.
                                                 
Mr. Cole, who is an engineer by training, told many stories of the difficulty of working with the folks that the Obama administration has sent to save the auto industry. There have been many meetings where a 30+ year experience automotive expert has to listen to a newcomer to the industry, someone with zero manufacturing experience, zero auto industry experience, zero business experience, zero finance experience, and zero engineering experience, tell them how to run their business.
                                                 
Mr Cole's favorite story is as follows:

There was a team of Obama people speaking to Mr. Cole (Engineer, automotive experience 40+ years, Chairman of CAR). They were explaining to Mr. Cole that the auto companies needed to make a car that was electric and liquid natural gas (LNG) with enough combined fuel to go 500 miles so we wouldn't "need" so many gas stations (A whole other topic). They were quoting BTU's of LNG and battery life that they had looked up on some website.
                                                 
Mr. Cole explained that to do this you would need a trunk FULL of batteries and a LNG tank at big as a car to make that happen and that there were problems related to the laws of physics that prevented them from...
                                                 
The Obama person interrupted and said (and I am quoting here) "These laws of physics? Who's rules are those, we need to change that. (Some of the others wrote down the law name so they could look it up) We have the congress and the administration. We can repeal that law, amend it, or use an executive order to get rid of that problem. That's why we are here, to fix these sort of issues".
                       
CHANGE THE LAWS OF PHYSICS ?!?!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 23, 2009, 08:34:35 PM
Thank you for purchasing "Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines" 
brought to you by Bubba & Cooter, straight outta the hills..
Enjoy!


1) Did you fart?
cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin' girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

9) Yer eyes are as blue as winder cleaner.

10) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon..

AND.. the best for last!

11) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.


Corner time.........yes?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on June 25, 2009, 08:14:50 AM
I think it has been posted before  however it is still funny



The FBI had an opening for an assassin.   After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists.

Two  men  and  a  woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.   Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. 

Kill Her!!!'

'The man said, 'You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.  Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.   He took the gun and went into the room.   All was quiet for about 5 minutes.   The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'

The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes.  Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn.   She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another.   They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet.   The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.

'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'


 

MORAL:  Women are evil 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on June 25, 2009, 08:17:40 AM
Dead Shits - Choppa's point of view (just a little language warning   ;) ;)  )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RG2-Px-eEDg


 ;D ;D

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: True_Texan on June 25, 2009, 09:38:29 PM
The Fastest Thing

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmm....let me see. A BLINK ! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye ... that's a very popular cliche for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain," said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already crapped my pants!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: long762range on June 27, 2009, 12:38:18 AM
When Farrah got to heaven, God asked her what was one wish she would like granted. Farrah replied "I'd like to save the children."

And that explains why Michael Jackson went on the same day.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on June 27, 2009, 06:57:43 AM
When did MJ go to bed?

When the big hand and little hand touched!


Sorry MJ


Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: m25operator on June 27, 2009, 05:56:55 PM
L762, did you make that up, Bad, but very good.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on June 28, 2009, 03:49:45 AM
Never Lose your Grandkids

A heartwarming story.

A small boy was lost at a large shopping Centre.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've  lost my pop!"
The policeman asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Bundaberg Rum and sheilas with big tits."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on June 28, 2009, 03:51:05 AM
HOW to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on June 29, 2009, 03:42:16 PM
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/nations_girlfriends_unveil_new

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/police_slog_through_40_000
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on June 29, 2009, 04:40:16 PM
(http://rds.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0WTefiXNElKhy0B4vejzbkF/SIG=12nvemm39/EXP=1246397975/**http%3A//www.outdooroutlook.com/forum/imagehosting/3476747396198f.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: JC5123 on June 29, 2009, 05:02:58 PM
HOW to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food



AND BEER!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on June 29, 2009, 09:26:20 PM
(http://i40.tinypic.com/2mwum9c.png)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fightingquaker13 on June 29, 2009, 10:00:47 PM
I think it has been posted before  however it is still funny



The FBI had an opening for an assassin.   After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists.

Two  men  and  a  woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.   Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. 

Kill Her!!!'

'The man said, 'You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.  Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.   He took the gun and went into the room.   All was quiet for about 5 minutes.   The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'

The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes.  Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn.   She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another.   They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet.   The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.

'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'


 

MORAL:  Women are evil 


You better get in line behind Eric for a chance at my horse (who is still off limits). ;D ;D
FQ13
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: True_Texan on June 29, 2009, 10:20:44 PM
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/nations_girlfriends_unveil_new

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/police_slog_through_40_000

After watching those, this one popped up.
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/obama_to_hold_job_performance

Quote
Never gave a shit what we did.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on June 30, 2009, 07:17:22 AM
Owwweee!   ???

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/in_the_know_how_can_we_make_the

Way to save money North Korea!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on June 30, 2009, 07:59:21 AM
Marine Speeding Ticket!

Top this for a speeding ticket:

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding
enforcement on I-15, North of MCAS Miramar. One of the officers was
using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles
approaching near the crest of a hill.
 
The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began
reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun,
but it would not reset and turned off. Just then a deafening roar over
the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked onto a USMC
F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the
location.
 
Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a
complaint to the USMC Base Commander.
 
Back came a reply in true USMC style:
 
Thank you for the message, which allows us to complete the file on
this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical
computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and
subsequently locked onto your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a
jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, an air to ground missile
aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto
your equipment. Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet
recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the
missile system alert status and was able to override the automated
defence system before the missile was launched and your hostile
radar was destroyed.
 
Thank you for your concerns.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: deepwater on June 30, 2009, 11:39:30 PM
IF MEN WROTE ADVICE COLUMNS:


Q:  My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A:  Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you!  Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing, your best friend.  Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too?  If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you.  If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.


Q:  My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A:  Do it.  Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin.  Interestingly, men know this.  His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless.  This shows he loves you.  The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.


Q:  My husband has too many nights out with the boys. 

A:  This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged.  The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men.  A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home.  Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house, too!).  Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stabel home.  The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him.  Then cook him a nice meal.


Q:  My husband doesn't know where my love button is.

A:  Your love button is of no concern to your husband.  If you must mess with it, do it on your own time or ask your best friend to help.  You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift.  To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.


Q:  My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A:  You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training.  Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming.  Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay.  What this means is that you do not love you man as much as you should.  He should never have to work to get you in the mood.  Stop being so selfish!  Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.


Q:  My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

A:  I'm not sure I understand the problem.  Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: True_Texan on July 01, 2009, 01:05:59 AM
Drinking with a   Texas  Girl


 

A  Mexican, an Arab, and a Texas  girl are in the same bar.  When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass  to pieces.

He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't  need to drink with the same one twice.'

The  Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks no-alcohol beer (cuz he's a Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In  the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The   Texas   girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.

Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In Texas we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the  same ones twice.'   


 
God Bless Texas
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fightingquaker13 on July 01, 2009, 01:24:56 AM
Drinking with a   Texas  Girl


 

A  Mexican, an Arab, and a Texas  girl are in the same bar.  When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass  to pieces.

He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't  need to drink with the same one twice.'

The  Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks no-alcohol beer (cuz he's a Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In  the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The   Texas   girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.

Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In Texas we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the  same ones twice.'   


 
God Bless Texas
For perhaps the second time, we are in agreement. On the subject otTexas girls, I will add a story not a joke. When I was in grad school at UT, one my class mates was a blond girl who looked like Barbie doll/ UCLA cheerleader and was a good' Ol girl from Tyler. She was smart as hell and had a very dirty sense of humor. We were drinking at a happy hour that was sponsored by the faculty. She said she had to leave early as her house mate had set her up on a blind date.One of the profs, an unapologetic dirty old man from England, there for his first semester, asked with a bit of a leer, if she had protection. Tammy, without missing a beat, reached into her purse and pulled out a condom and a .38, and asked "What kind do you mean?". The expression on his face was priceless. God bless Texas! ;D
FQ13
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on July 01, 2009, 07:50:47 AM
Grammar 101


(http://i409.photobucket.com/albums/pp175/wombat_69/AHN/Grammar101.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Kid Shelleen on July 01, 2009, 01:35:32 PM
Grammar 101


(http://i409.photobucket.com/albums/pp175/wombat_69/AHN/Grammar101.jpg)
Now that's funny.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steyr M40A1 on July 01, 2009, 02:28:46 PM
For perhaps the second time, we are in agreement. On the subject otTexas girls, I will add a story not a joke. When I was in grad school at UT, one my class mates was a blond girl who looked like Barbie doll/ UCLA cheerleader and was a good' Ol girl from Tyler. She was smart as hell and had a very dirty sense of humor. We were drinking at a happy hour that was sponsored by the faculty. She said she had to leave early as her house mate had set her up on a blind date.One of the profs, an unapologetic dirty old man from England, there for his first semester, asked with a bit of a leer, if she had protection. Tammy, without missing a beat, reached into her purse and pulled out a condom and a .38, and asked "What kind do you mean?". The expression on his face was priceless. God bless Texas! ;D
FQ13


That sounds like a great woman. Please tell us you at least dated her. Sound like she would make a great wife, but I would bet as with all women she had her crazy streak, god help whomever she was pissed at then.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Kid Shelleen on July 01, 2009, 02:33:30 PM
For perhaps the second time, we are in agreement. On the subject otTexas girls, I will add a story not a joke. When I was in grad school at UT, one my class mates was a blond girl who looked like Barbie doll/ UCLA cheerleader and was a good' Ol girl from Tyler. She was smart as hell and had a very dirty sense of humor. We were drinking at a happy hour that was sponsored by the faculty. She said she had to leave early as her house mate had set her up on a blind date.One of the profs, an unapologetic dirty old man from England, there for his first semester, asked with a bit of a leer, if she had protection. Tammy, without missing a beat, reached into her purse and pulled out a condom and a .38, and asked "What kind do you mean?". The expression on his face was priceless. God bless Texas! ;D
FQ13
Careful there FQ. It sounds like you may be talking about my wife.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 01, 2009, 03:10:33 PM
Ain't this the truth



Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel "pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land".



Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land".



Now Obama is going to steal your shovel, kick your asses, raise the price of camels, and mortgage the promised land.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 01, 2009, 04:30:17 PM
Ain't this the truth



Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel "pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land".



Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land".



Now Obama is going to steal has stolen your shovel, kicked your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land.




Fixed it for ya.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 01, 2009, 04:47:22 PM
In order to comply with the requirements of the Obama administration, the following cars will be the only vehicle selections that will be available in this country beginning with model year 2011:


The SmartCar
(http://i414.photobucket.com/albums/pp225/tt11758/smartcar.jpg)


The Smaudi A3 AWD
(http://i414.photobucket.com/albums/pp225/tt11758/SmaudiA3AWD.jpg)


For the sports car enthusiast, may we present the Smorvette
(http://i414.photobucket.com/albums/pp225/tt11758/smorvette.jpg)


The Smerrarri
(http://i414.photobucket.com/albums/pp225/tt11758/Smerrarri.jpg)


The Smorsche
(http://i414.photobucket.com/albums/pp225/tt11758/Smorsche.jpg)


The Smamborghini
(http://i414.photobucket.com/albums/pp225/tt11758/Smamborghini.jpg)


And of course, that timeless classic, the Smustang
(http://i414.photobucket.com/albums/pp225/tt11758/Smustang.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on July 01, 2009, 04:59:16 PM
TT.....HOW DOES ONE GET LASAGNA OUT OF A KEYBOARD?

thanks pal, I've got a mess to clean up.....laughing my arse off!!!!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 01, 2009, 05:11:46 PM
TT.....HOW DOES ONE GET LASAGNA OUT OF A KEYBOARD?

thanks pal, I've got a mess to clean up.....laughing my arse off!!!!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D



Happy to be of service, Tim!!  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on July 01, 2009, 06:39:57 PM
Where'd ya find the picture of Hillary running?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on July 01, 2009, 06:42:40 PM
(http://i862.photobucket.com/albums/ab183/dudekrtr/vegan1.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 01, 2009, 07:10:36 PM
Where'd ya find the picture of Hillary running?


If it was Hillary you wouldn't be able to see the head.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: True_Texan on July 01, 2009, 10:43:01 PM
A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, low and behold, he lost his wallet and all identification.  Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home, but was stopped by a immigration Agent at the Tijuana-San Diego border.
 
 "May I see your identification, por favor, señor?" asked the agent.
 
 "I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.
 
 "Si, amigo, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border ," said the agent.

 "But I can prove that I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Bill Clinton tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of Hillary Clinton tattooed on the other."
   
 "This I must see," replied the agent.  With that, the American dropped his pants and bent over in front of the agent.
 
 "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago , Senor."
 
 "Thanks!" he said. "But why do you think I'm from Chicago ?"
 
 The agent replied, "I recognized Barack Obama in the middle!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: long762range on July 02, 2009, 12:12:52 AM
Travis, an 84 year old Texas rancher went to the doctor.  He said "Doc.  I want you to prescribe me some of those little blue pills."  The doctor looked at him a minute and said "Old timer, don't you think you are a little far along to be chasing women?"

The old cowboy answered "I don't want to chase women.  I just want it big enough so I don't pee on my new boots."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on July 02, 2009, 03:01:16 PM
In a rural TV program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter.
 
The interview was as follows:
 
The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"
 
The farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"
 
Reporter (obviously embarrassed) : "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"
 
Farmer:  "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"
 
Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"
 
Farmer:  "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 02, 2009, 09:57:48 PM
 
The big bad Wolf said "I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down."
 
 
The little piggy said "F..k off or I'll sneeze on you..."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: mosbear on July 03, 2009, 07:15:08 PM
This joke was stolen from M&P forum.


A man is sitting in a bar in San Angelo , Texas when Barack Obama comes on TV.
The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a horse's ass."

Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking him off his bar stool, then stomps out.

He gets up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer. Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and says, "She's a horse's ass too!"

Out of nowhere, another local punches him on the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.

He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I take it, this is Obama country?"

"Nope." replies the bartender. "Horse country."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on July 04, 2009, 07:52:32 AM
THE HAIRCUT AND IMPORTANT LESSON
 
 
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I
cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' 
The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
The barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his
bill, The barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.'  The congressman was very happy and left
the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 04, 2009, 08:37:55 AM
ellis
The sad part of that joke is that it is all too true.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on July 04, 2009, 04:18:33 PM
The Duck is Dead
>
>
> A woman
> brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
> As she laid
> her pet on the table, the vet pulled out
> his stethoscope and listened to
> the bird's
> chest.
>
> After a moment or two, the vet shook his head
> sadly and said, "I'm sorry,
> your duck, Cuddles, has
> passed away."
>
> The distressed woman wailed, "Are you
> sure?"
>
> "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied
>
> the vet.
>
> "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean
> you haven't done any
> testing on him or anything. He might
> just be in a coma or something."
>
> The vet rolled his eyes,
> turned around and left the room.
>
> He returned a few
> minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the
> duck's
> owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind
> legs, put
> his front paws on the examination table and
> sniffed the duck from top to
> bottom. He then looked up at the
> vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
> The vet
> patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
>
> A
> few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat
> jumped on
> the table and
> also delicately sniffed the bird from
> head to foot. The cat sat back on its
> haunches, shook its
> head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
>
> The vet
> looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I
> said,
> 20 this is
> most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead
> duck."
>
> The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few
> keys and produced a bill,
> which he handed to the
> woman.
>
> The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
> "$150!" she cried, "$150
> just to tell me my duck is
> dead!"
>
> The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just
> taken my word for it, the bill
> would have been $20, but with
> the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's
> now
> $150."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 05, 2009, 04:11:43 PM
And so it starts:

Farrah Fawcett arrives at Heaven.
 
After entering the Pearly Gates, St Peter welcomes Farrah and tells her she can have one wish granted for her long suffering. Without hesitation she wished that all the children in the world would be safe!
 
Back on earth at that very moment, Michael Jackson dropped dead.
 
Then, when Michael approached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asked him what he wanted. Michael said he needed someone good to make a pitch for him to God.
 
Poor Billy Mays never knew what hit him...


Poor taste. I am so ashamed. :-[ :o ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: long762range on July 05, 2009, 07:26:22 PM
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on July 06, 2009, 05:01:40 PM
This is an Incredible story...........

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teen-aged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, held it a while, and then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter way back in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.






Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on July 07, 2009, 08:39:23 AM
A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine. All the
hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful
Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "No,
I'm from Canada." The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What
in tarnation is a
taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 07, 2009, 12:56:21 PM
Just wanted to let you know I received my stimulus package yesterday...
 
It contained watermelon seeds, Cornbread mix, and Ten coupons to KFC.
 
 
Directions were in Spanish.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 07, 2009, 01:05:51 PM
Psalm 2008 - 2012

PSALM 2008-2012: FIRST BOOK OF DEMOCRAT

OBAMA IS MY SHEPHERD,
I SHALL NOT WANT.   
HE LEADETH ME BESIDE STILL FACTORIES.
HE RESTORETH MY FAITH IN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.
HE GUIDETH ME IN THE PATH OF UNEMPLOYMENT.
YEA, THOUGH I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE BREAD LINE,
I SHALL NOT GO HUNGRY.
OBAMA HAS ANOINTED MY INCOME WITH TAXES,
MY EXPENSES RUNNETH OVER MY INCOME,
SURELY, POVERTY AND HARD LIVING WILL FOLLOW ME
ALL THE DAYS OF MY LIFE.
THE DEMOCRATS AND I WILL LIVE FOREVER
IN A  RENTED HOME.
BUT I AM GLAD I AM AN AMERICAN,
I AM GLAD THAT I AM FREE.
BUT I WISH I WAS A DOG
AND OBAMA WAS A TREE

'A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.'
-Thomas Jefferson -
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 07, 2009, 01:44:04 PM
Psalm 2008 - 2012

PSALM 2008-2012: FIRST BOOK OF DEMOCRAT

OBAMA IS MY SHEPHERD,
I SHALL NOT WANT.   
HE LEADETH ME BESIDE STILL FACTORIES.
HE RESTORETH MY FAITH IN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.
HE GUIDETH ME IN THE PATH OF UNEMPLOYMENT.
YEA, THOUGH I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE BREAD LINE,
I SHALL NOT GO HUNGRY.
OBAMA HAS ANOINTED MY INCOME WITH TAXES,
MY EXPENSES RUNNETH OVER MY INCOME,
SURELY, POVERTY AND HARD LIVING WILL FOLLOW ME
ALL THE DAYS OF MY LIFE.
THE DEMOCRATS AND I WILL LIVE FOREVER
IN A  RENTED HOME.
BUT I AM GLAD I AM AN AMERICAN,
I AM GLAD THAT I AM FREE.
BUT I WISH I WAS A DOG
AND OBAMA WAS A TREE

'A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.'
-Thomas Jefferson -




Bill, this is supposed to be a JOKE thread, and that one ain't funny.  Too accurate to be funny!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 07, 2009, 08:03:55 PM
I know, I know. Sob.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 07, 2009, 08:05:28 PM


Bill, this is supposed to be a JOKE thread, and that one ain't funny.  Too accurate to be funny!!


Oh I don't know about that. I told both of them in the bank today when I cashed my unemployment check.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on July 08, 2009, 06:18:33 AM
CHANGE you can count on TOM?

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 08, 2009, 11:09:09 AM
 More like change I can count,..... Quick.   >:(
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on July 09, 2009, 08:53:22 AM
An Aussie trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops at a brothel outside Kalgoorlie .

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says: “I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop!”

The Madam is astonished. “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.”

The trucker replies: “Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny . . . . I'm homesick.”
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on July 09, 2009, 08:59:30 AM
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''

'I don't remember much after that'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on July 10, 2009, 08:09:17 AM
The bronze rat
A Tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"
"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman. The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.
A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward the Bay. Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.
Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat, and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.
"Ahhh," said the owner, "You have come back for story?"
"No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat."


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: deepwater on July 10, 2009, 01:38:11 PM
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing.
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast,
I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass..'
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,  'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in  his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

"I don't know," he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on July 11, 2009, 04:03:54 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_B5UrI7nAI
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 11, 2009, 07:16:09 AM
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs...'

Mummy fainted!

Moral:
Sometimes you need to just STFU and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on July 11, 2009, 01:00:54 PM


Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

 
Each priest had a small bell attached to his pecker, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

 
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlo.
 
 
Poor Carlo.  As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage .

 
Embarrassed, Carlo quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up...and all the other bells started to ring.
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 13, 2009, 01:52:23 PM
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and

tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little

nose.


"Oh please excuse me," said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you,

but I'm blind and can't see."


"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my

fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you

coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"


"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never

seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."


So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft,

and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a

dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!"


The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind

of animal are you?"


The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to

examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked,

"Well, what kind of an animal am I?"


The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied,


"You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls....


You must be a politician."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on July 14, 2009, 01:01:05 PM
 Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for
breath and calling your name?

  A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on July 14, 2009, 01:05:56 PM
Good one Red.  :)  Sounds like something my ex would do.  :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 14, 2009, 01:35:23 PM
On  his 60th birthday, he received a gift certificate from his wife.  The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby Indian reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.    After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his certificate to the medicine man and wondered what would happen next.   The old  man slowly and methodically produced a potion, handed it to him and with a  grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be  respected.   You take only one teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

He was encouraged.  As he walked  away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the action of the  medicine?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'"  he responded.  "But when she does the medicine will not work again until the next full  moon."
 
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, combed his hair, put on lots of cologne, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.   When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
 
Immediately, the glory of his manhood filled the room.  His wife was so excited that she  began ripping off her clothes.  Then she asked, "By the way, Honey, what was the 1-2-3 for?"
 
And  that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition!

Otherwise  you will end up with a dangling participle...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 14, 2009, 01:55:18 PM
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
Thought you'd like to know.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on July 14, 2009, 07:09:08 PM
The Butcher Dance


A guy spent five years travelling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he had every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film -- or so he thought. He wound up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he popped into a pub for a well earned beer.

He got talking to one of the local Aborigines and told him about his project. The Aborigine asked the guy what he thought of the Butcher Dance.

"Butcher Dance?" he said, confused. "What's that?"

"What? You didn't see the Butcher Dance?"

"No, I've never heard of it."

"Mate, you're crazy," the Aborigine replied. "How can you say you filmed every native dance if you haven't seen the Butcher Dance?"

"Umm. I got a Corroboree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"

"No, no. The Butcher Dance is much more important than the Corroboree."

"Oh," the man said, his curiosity piqued. "Well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"

"Mate, the Butcher Dance is way out in the wilderness. It'll take you many days of travel to go see it."

"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."

"Ok, mate," the Aborigine replied, shrugging. "You drive north along the highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you'll see a dirt track veer off to left. Follow the dirt track for 126 miles till you see big huge dead gum tree -- the biggest tree you've ever seen. Here you gotta leave car, because it's much too rough for driving. You strike out due west into the setting sun. Walk three days till you hit a creek. You follow this creek to the northwest. After two days you'll find where the creek flows out of some rocky mountains, but it's much too difficult to cross the mountains there, though. So you head south for half day until you see a pass through mountains. The pass is very difficult and very dangerous. It'll take you two, maybe three days to get through it. On the other side, head northwest for four days until you reach a big huge rock -- twenty feet high and shaped like a man's head. From the rock, walk due west for two days, and then you'll find the village. You'll be able to see the Butcher Dance there."

So the guy grabbed his camera crew and equipment and headed out. After a couple of hours, he found the dirt track. The track was in a shocking state, and he was forced to crawl along at a snail's pace, and so he didn't reach the tree until dusk, where he was forced to set up camp for the night.

He set out bright and early the following morning. His spirits were high, and he was excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance that he had never heard mention of before. True to the directions he had been given, he reached the creek after three days and followed it for another two, until he reached the rocky mountains.

The merciless sun was starting to take its toll, and the spirits of both himself and his crew were starting to flag; but wearily they trudged on, finally finding the pass through the mountains. Nothing would prevent him from completing his life's dream. The mountains proved to be every bit as treacherous as their guide had said, and at times they despaired of ever getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort, they finally forced their way clear and continued their long trek.

When they reached the huge rock, four days later, their water was running low, and their feet were covered with blisters, but they steeled themselves and headed out on the last leg of their journey. Two days later they virtually staggered into the village. To their relief, the natives welcomed them and fed them and gave them fresh water, and they began to feel like new men. Once he recovered enough, the guy went before the village chief and told him that he came to film their Butcher Dance.

"Oh mate," he said. "Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance."

"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"

"Not till next year."

"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me tonight?"

"No, no, no!" the chief exclaimed. "Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. You want see Butcher Dance, you come back next year."

Understandably, the guy was devastated, but he had no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.

The following year, he headed back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, set out a week earlier than before. He was quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he was present to witness it.

But right from the start, things went wrong. Heavy rains that year turned the dirt track to mud, and the car got bogged down every few miles. Finally they had to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree. They reached the creek and the mountains without any further problems, but halfway through the mountain pass, they were struck by a fierce storm that raged for several days, during which they were forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsided.

Then, before they had travelled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprained his ankle badly, slowing down the rest of their journey greatly. Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they had been travelling, they staggered into the village right at noon.

"The Butcher Dance!" the man gasped. "Please don't tell me I'm too late to see it!"

The chief recognized him and said, "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spent the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment and preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid. As dusk fell, the natives started to cover their bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of birds' feathers and animal skins. Once darkness had settled fully over the land, the natives formed a circle around a huge roaring fire. A deathly hush descended over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body entered the circle and began to chant.

"What's he doing?" the man whispered to the chief.

"Hush," the chief whispered back. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance, and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."

The chanting of the holy man reached a stunning crescendo before he removed himself from the circle. The rhythmic pounding of drums boomed out across the land, and the natives began to sway to the stirring rhythm. The guy became caught up in the fervour of the moment himself. This was it. He realized beyond all doubt that his wait had not been in vain. He was about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.

The chief strode to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, started to sing: "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in, and you shake it all about...."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: 1911 Junkie on July 14, 2009, 07:28:38 PM
I can't believe you took the time to type that, let alone make us read it.  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steyr M40A1 on July 14, 2009, 08:25:05 PM
(http://www.smileyx.com/smilies/6NgC2p000012.gif)(http://www.smileyx.com/smilies/AdTVK511.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on July 14, 2009, 08:48:55 PM
hehe  I know it was bad,    if I had to read it  I was not going to on my own ;)


   


this should make up for it


A husband and wife are travelling by car from Brisbane to Melbourne.



After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.



When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a bill for $450.00.



The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00.



When the clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.



The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.



'But we didn't use them,' the man complains



'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.



'But we didn't go to any of those shows, 'complains the man again.



'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.



No matter what amenity the Manager mentions! the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'



The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.



The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir,' he says, 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'



'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $400 for sleeping with my wife.'



'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.



'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on July 14, 2009, 09:19:11 PM
Better, Philw, better.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steyr M40A1 on July 14, 2009, 09:36:43 PM
That last joke reminds me of similar jokes where a woman is going to be arrested or ticked for fishing with out a license for being out in a dingy. She comes back and says she will say the LEO raped her. Just because you have the equipment does not mean you are intending to use it! 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on July 14, 2009, 09:42:30 PM
The second joke was better Phil. And a LOT shorter.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: 1911 Junkie on July 15, 2009, 09:39:59 AM
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
 
(1) Fine:  This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
 
 
(2) Five Minutes:  If she is getting dressed, this means one-half hour.  Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
 
 
(3) Nothing:  This is the calm before the storm.  This means something, and you should be on your toes.  Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
 
 
(4) Go Ahead:  This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
 
 
(5) Loud Sigh:  This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men.  A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.  (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
 
 
(6) That's Okay:  This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man.  That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
 
 
(7) Thanks:  A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome  (This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - which is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all.  DO NOT say 'you're welcome' -- that will bring on a 'whatever'.)
 
 
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
 
 
(9) Don't worry about it, I've got it:  Another dangerous statement , meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response, refer to # 3.
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 15, 2009, 10:32:52 AM
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
 
(1) Fine:  This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
 
 
(2) Five Minutes:  If she is getting dressed, this means one-half hour.  Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
 
 
(3) Nothing:  This is the calm before the storm.  This means something, and you should be on your toes.  Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
 
 
(4) Go Ahead:  This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
 
 
(5) Loud Sigh:  This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men.  A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.  (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
 
 
(6) That's Okay:  This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man.  That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
 
 
(7) Thanks:  A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome  (This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - which is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all.  DO NOT say 'you're welcome' -- that will bring on a 'whatever'.)
 
 
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
 
 
(9) Don't worry about it, I've got it:  Another dangerous statement , meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response, refer to # 3.
 




Obviously you're married, too.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on July 15, 2009, 11:53:57 AM


Obviously you're married, too.   ;D

Or were married, too.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on July 15, 2009, 02:09:36 PM
Whatever......... 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on July 15, 2009, 03:05:33 PM
Ooh, a number 8.  :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on July 15, 2009, 10:20:38 PM
Animals that are better than you


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tBj4Ny19vfQ

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on July 16, 2009, 05:41:32 AM
the sad thing this is a true story

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on July 16, 2009, 07:49:47 AM
Ooh, a number 8.  :o

And not in a gooooooood way  :-\
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on July 16, 2009, 08:12:50 AM
Ooh, a number 8.  :o
And not in a gooooooood way  :-\

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Kid Shelleen on July 16, 2009, 12:12:53 PM
the sad thing this is a true story


Phil that is really funny, but............that has got to be a joke.

A true story? Bars chocked full of wankers? Say it isn't so.  ;D

Regards,

Kid
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on July 16, 2009, 04:34:22 PM
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

Read yesterday's NINE WORDS WOMEN USE.
Number 8, Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on July 16, 2009, 04:41:16 PM
Read yesterday's NINE WORDS WOMEN USE.
Number 8, Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!


And we all know what a pu$$y Jumbo is!






;D (I HAD to take the opening, dude! ;) )
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on July 16, 2009, 05:34:06 PM
Read yesterday's NINE WORDS WOMEN USE.
Number 8, Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!


OK, so when did we start talking in code?   Huh? There isn't even a note on the fridge in the corner. Come on guys, guy rules here!!

Jeesh!  :-\

I have got to get back to work to get my brain restarted . . . .
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 17, 2009, 01:20:51 PM


BALANCE

    God  was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

     

    He  inquired, "Where have you been?"

     

    God  smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

     

    Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said. "What is it?"

     

    "It's  a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it  Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

     

    "Balance?"  inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

     

    God  explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while  Southern   Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all  things."

     

    God  continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely  hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

     

    The    Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and  said, "What's that one?"

     

    "That's    Washington  State , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The  people from  Washington  State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They  will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of software."

     

    Michael  gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

     

    God  smiled, "There's another  Washington . Wait till you see the idiots I put there."

     

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 17, 2009, 02:49:28 PM
This is something to think about when negative people

are doing their best to rain on your parade ... so remember this story the next

time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.


A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her
husband.  She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: 

"Rome?

Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" 

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." 


"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You, and a million other people trying to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.   And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." 

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. 
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!  I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really!  What'd he say?" 


He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 18, 2009, 03:39:06 PM
Three little ducks go into a bar...............................




"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out
of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"



"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 18, 2009, 03:43:27 PM
A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder On Michael Jackson’s Death…

 
  

....... .. … … ..   …..
.. .  . …    .   .     . .   .  .. . ..  ….   .. .. . …    ..
...  ... .. ... .. ... ... .... ...... ... ... ... .... ..... .. .
..     .  .  … .. .   . .  ..
... . .... ...  .... .... ...
...... .... .... .... .... ..... ..... .. . . ....  ....
. ..     .
.   .      ..   . .          .               ...
....... ... ... ... .. .. ....... ... .. .... ...  ... .... ....
.  .. .. .
.. ....
..  .        .       .  .  . .. .. … ..
..  .... .. ... .. .......  ......  .....


 

Deep stuff, eh?
I nearly cried when he said “. ..  .  .  . .. .. … .. .. . ....  ....”  
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on July 19, 2009, 05:56:43 PM
OK, so when did we start talking in code?   Huh? There isn't even a note on the fridge in the corner. Come on guys, guy rules here!!

Jeesh!  :-\

I have got to get back to work to get my brain restarted . . . .

Sorry Path  :-[

I've never had a female type person say F*** You where it was an offer.  In fact, is was usually pretty clear that it was a threat.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 20, 2009, 11:24:09 AM
Sorry Path  :-[

I've never had a female type person say F*** You where it was an offer.  In fact, is was usually pretty clear that it was a threat.

Or a challenge.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 20, 2009, 04:35:52 PM
        Subject: Luxury cars are soon to be a thing of the past.

         
         

         
         
         
         
        They have always been beyond my means but I took out a Cadillac Escalade last week for a test drive, just to drive that sucker before they become extinct.
         



         
        The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and all it's wonderful options.
        The seats were of particular interest.
        He explained the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

        I stated the car must be a Republican car.

        He asked why I thought it was a Republican car.

        I explained if it were a Democratic car the seats would blow smoke up your ass. ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 21, 2009, 10:38:14 AM
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 21, 2009, 10:42:11 AM
The pharmacist fainted.  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 21, 2009, 11:15:32 AM
Special for FQ  ;D



        If George W. Bush had made a joke at the expense of the Special Olympics, would you have approved?

        If George W. Bush had given Gordon Brown a set of inexpensive and incorrectly formatted DVDs, when Gordon Brown had given him a thoughtful and historically significant gift, would you have approved?

        If George W. Bush had given the Queen of England an iPod containing videos of his speeches, would you have thought this embarrassingly narcissistic and tacky?

        If George W. Bush had bowed to the King of Saudi Arabia, would you have approved?

        If George W. Bush had visited Austria and made reference to the non-existent "Austrian language," would you have brushed it off as a minor slip?

        If George W. Bush had filled his cabinet and circle of advisers with people who cannot seem to keep current on their income taxes, would you have approved?

        If George W. Bush had been so Spanish illiterate as to refer to "Cinco de Cuatro" in front of the Mexican ambassador when it was the fourth of May (Cuatro de Mayo), and continued to flub it when he tried again, would you have winced in embarrassment?

        If George W. Bush had mis-spelled the word advice would you have hammered him for it for years like Dan Quayle and potatoe as "proof" of what a dunce he is?

        If George W. Bush had burned 9,000 gallons of jet fuel to go plant a single tree on "Earth Day", would you have concluded he's a hypocrite?

        If George W. Bush's administration had okayed Air Force One flying low over millions of people followed by a jet fighter in downtown Manhattan causing widespread panic, would you have wondered whether they actually "get" what happened on 9-11?

        If George W. Bush had been the first President to need a teleprompter installed to be able to get through a press conference, would you have laughed and said this is more proof of how inept he is on his own and is really controlled by smarter men behind the scenes?

        If George W. Bush had failed to send relief aid to flood victims throughout the Midwest with more people killed or made homeless than in New Orleans, would you want it made into a major ongoing political issue with claims of racism and incompetence?

        If George W. Bush had ordered the firing of the CEO of a major corporation, even though he had no constitutional authority to do so, would you have approved?

        If George W. Bush had proposed to double the national debt, which had taken more than two centuries to accumulate, in one year, would you have Approved?

        If George W.. Bush had then proposed to double the debt again within 10 years, would you have approved?

        If George W. Bush had reduced your retirement plan's holdings of GM stock by 90% and given the unions a majority stake in GM, would you have approved?

        If George W. Bush had spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to take Laura Bush to a play in NYC, would you have approved?

        So, tell me again, what is it about Obama that makes him so brilliant and impressive? Can't think of anything? Don't worry. He's done all this in 5 months -- so you'll have three years and seven months to come up with an answer. 

         



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steyr M40A1 on July 21, 2009, 01:17:21 PM
There just pissed that they cant blame Bush anymore.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 21, 2009, 08:40:55 PM
The balloonist

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 21, 2009, 08:58:14 PM
 I'm not sure which thread this belongs in, I got it from a news blog

http://volokh.com/archives/archive_2009_07_19-2009_07_25.shtml#124822083

 the Instapundit link took me to this Forbes article

http://www.forbes.com/2009/05/27/twitter-north-korea-technology-internet-twitter.html

which says in part:

The headlines, it seems, are real--or at least as real as any that emerge from North Korea's reality distortion field. The twitterer, on the other hand, is an impostor.

Here it is,
Posted by Eugene Volokh:
North Korea's Twitter Feed
 is [1]here. Some excerpts:

     All Korea Linguistic Association praises contribution of Great
     Leader Kim Il-Sung to reform of Korean alphabet!
     about 1 hour ago from web ...

     Three-Revolution Red Flag Movement cheers production gains at
     Chagang-Do Cement Factory #2.
     about 2 hours ago from web ...

     DPRK Weather Bureau predicts typhoons, monsoons, to strike US west
     coast in 2009.
     about 3 hours ago from web

     Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il telegrams congratulations to Iranian
     President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on successful reelection!
     about 4 hours ago from web ...

    Central Procurator Roh Seng-Teh denounces US Supreme Court Judge
     Sonia Sotomayor as sellout to independence of Puerto Rican people!
     about 4 hours ago from web ...


Should it be in Politics ?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 22, 2009, 08:59:44 PM

     

                    "Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says. 
                       
                    Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you." 
                     
                    Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for 
                    Leroy. 
                     
                    After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?" 
                       
                    Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next 
                    Wednesday!"

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Kid Shelleen on July 22, 2009, 09:18:24 PM
I just finished watching the Obama news conference on healthcare reform.

Now that's a real joke. ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on July 23, 2009, 12:19:14 PM
A group of dignitaries was crossing the Atlantic with a famously brave Admiral.  Every morning the Admiral would get the group together and give them a little lesson on the ship, the sea, naval history, or anything they asked.  

This one morning one gentleman asked about the meaning of the many parts of the Admiral's uniform.  The Admiral went into great detail describing everything and its meaning.  He started with his boots and finished with his hat.  Shape, size and position of everything was covered.

After his complete description the gentleman asked for clarification on the Admiral's shirt.  "I have noticed that you wear different uniforms from time to time, but you always wear a red shirt ... Why?"

The Admiral replied that the red was to give his men confidence.  "If I were to become wounded in battle my men could become fearful and panic.  If that happened the battle would be lost.  I wear red, so that if I am wounded they will not see the blood and will continue to fight on to victory."

As the Admiral was completing his explanation a cry came from the crow's nest - "Admiral ... Twenty enemy ships on the horizon!"

Immedieatly the Admiral turned to his cabin boy and shouted "Quick boy ... My brown pants!"

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on July 23, 2009, 10:42:57 PM
A Russian and a Norwegian wrestler (just happened to be named Ole, now
living in Duluth, MN) were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal.

Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said,
"Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never
lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has.

Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're
finished. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times,
looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward,
grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of
disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his
hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach
raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air.
His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the
pin and winning the match.

The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out
of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got

me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of
testicles right in front of my face. I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last
ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard
as I could."

So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own
nuts!"


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on July 23, 2009, 11:40:31 PM
how is mariage like a tornado?




It starts off with a lot of sucking and blowing... then you lose your house.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: blackwolfe on July 24, 2009, 01:50:19 AM
A husband ask his wife how come she never tells him when she has an orgasam to which she replied your always at work.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 24, 2009, 08:57:11 AM
how is mariage like a tornado?




It starts off with a lot of sucking and blowing... then you lose your house.


This from the "Newly wed"  ?  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: JC5123 on July 24, 2009, 10:55:50 AM
What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?

A slut screws everybody, a bitch screws everybody but you.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 24, 2009, 07:20:54 PM

THE PREACHER'S
          SON

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.  Like many young Men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.  One day, while the boy was away at
school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's
room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. A Bible.

2. A silver dollar.

3. A bottle of whisky.

4. And a Playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a
blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that
would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a
skirt-chasing womanizer.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table..

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he
picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.  He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered. 
'He's gonna run for Congress.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on July 25, 2009, 02:47:03 PM
The beloved teleprompter.........

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Kid Shelleen on July 25, 2009, 11:09:49 PM
An oldie but goodie. Don't be intimidated by the length, it's worth it. ;D

Texas Chili Cookoff

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:

(Frank Judge #3)

Chili # 1:       Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!


Chili # 2:       Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3:       Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer...

Chili # 4:       Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5:       Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Chili # 6:       Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7:       Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8:       Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: m25operator on July 25, 2009, 11:26:16 PM
Read it so many times, LOLROTFHMG funny.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steyr M40A1 on July 26, 2009, 08:58:01 AM
I love that joke. Especially the version that includes the ugly waitress .
Anyway, here is one of the judges on his day off.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I went grocery shopping this weekend, which in hindsight may not have been very wise.

You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented  'You're definitely going to shit yourself' chili. 

Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your ass cheeks WILL fall off.

 Here's the thing.  I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know  what I mean) nothing happened. 

No 'Watson's Movement 2'.  Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

 Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the  Wal-Mart grocery store for some tasty breakfast and lunch tidbits.

 Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal.  I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.  It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.  Oh, don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta  go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.

The thing is, this pain was different.

 The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they  bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

 There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.  I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might  escape me.  Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower  part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

 I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the invisible but odorous cloud that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting.  Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?  Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

 I could've warned that poor woman but didn't.  I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees.  This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.
Mistake.

 Here's the thing.  When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean.  With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region.  Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

 Suddenly things were no longer funny.  IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grandmal assplosion took place.

 Luck was on my side.  Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging.  One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.  He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch! ', then quickly left.

 Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes.  It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.  The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

 That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.  The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager.  I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

 Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. 

The next day I went to shop at Kroger's.  I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.  Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
 
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 26, 2009, 12:35:27 PM

 THE FLORIDA RETIREMENT SCENE

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'

The other replies, 'Oh, sure I do.'

The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'

The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'

After a few moments, the first old lady asks,

'Who drives you to the beach?'

***********************************************************

Three old ladies were sitting side by side on patio chairs at their Orlando retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled from years past shopping at the local Publix and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.

*************************************************************

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community.

A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'

He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'

'So, where were you all these years?'

'In prison,' he says.

'Why did they put you in prison?'

He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'

'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'

******************************************************************** ********

Two elderly people living in a Port Charlotte Retirement Community, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.

The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes. Yes, I will!'

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?'

He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening pas t. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ' Yes' or did you say 'No'?' He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will.' and I meant it with all my heart'. Then she continued, 'And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A man was telling his neighbor in Sun City Center , 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It only cost me four hundred dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty'

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Morris, an 82 year-old man in Miami , went to the doctor at the local Medical Clinic to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma' and 'be cheerful'',
Morris replied.

To which the doctor said, 'I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful!'

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream parlor in Leesburg, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 26, 2009, 12:37:43 PM
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds..
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car..

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car or were they trying to steal it? 

'Heavens no, we bought it.'

'Then why don't you drive it away.'   

We can't drive.'

Then why did you buy it?'

 

'We were told that if we bought a Used car here
we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 26, 2009, 12:39:32 PM
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

 

She went back to find out what was going on.

 

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

 

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

 

He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.  He did and returned to his class.

 

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

 

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.

 

'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.

 

'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 26, 2009, 12:40:51 PM
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'
'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order..
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 26, 2009, 12:43:06 PM
Cowboy & A Genie
 
A  modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.  His horse has already died of thirst.                                     
                                                                           
He's crawling  through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.                                             
                                                                           
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie.  But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.                                                               
                                                                           
There's a calculator in her pocketbook.  She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.  'Well, cowboy,' says the genie...'You know how I work...You have three wishes.'                                                       
                                                                           
'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy...'I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie.'                                 
 
'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'       
                                                                           
***POOF***                                                               
                                                                           
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.       
                                                                           
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?'                                   
                                                                           
'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'   

***POOF***                                                               
                                                                           
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.  Better make it a good one!'
                                                                           
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy  says...'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'                                                             
                                                                           
*** POOF***                                                               
                                                                           
He was turned into a tampon.                                             
                                                                           
The moral of the story:  If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on July 27, 2009, 07:44:54 AM
 teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Rudd fans.

Not really knowing what a Rudd fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for the infamous, Little Billy, in the front row.

The teacher asked Little Billy why he has decided to be different.

'Because I'm not a Rudd fan.'

The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you a Rudd fan?'

'Because I'm a Liberal.'

The teacher asked him why he's a Liberal.

Billy proudly answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Liberal and my Dad's a Liberal, so I'm a Liberal.'

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'

With a big smile, Billy replied, 'That would make me a Rudd fan.'





just change it to Obama,  also Republicans and  Demicraps   for your version   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on July 27, 2009, 11:25:27 AM
FISHING TRIP

Barack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
 
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him,
3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.  He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
 
The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland '
Barak said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my
special President's airplane.'
 
The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike
Air Jordan  shoes.'  Barak said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!'
 
The third kid said, 'I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'

Barak was a little perplexed by this and said,
'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'
The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out
I saved you from drowning!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: shooter32 on July 27, 2009, 11:31:45 AM
FISHING TRIP

Barack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
 
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him,
3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.  He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
 
The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland '
Barak said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my
special President's airplane.'
 
The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike
Air Jordan  shoes.'  Barak said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!'
 
The third kid said, 'I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'

Barak was a little perplexed by this and said,
'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'
The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out
I saved you from drowning!'

That there is funny!! ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on July 27, 2009, 03:22:23 PM
Never piss off a woman who owns a backhoe ...






























(http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e330/m58/Pickup.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 27, 2009, 08:53:58 PM
    Psychopath Test

    Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the
    bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads.

    A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.

    Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?

    [Give this some thought before you answer]














    Answer:

    She was hoping the guy would appear again at her sister's funeral. If you
    answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by
    a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same
    mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and
    answered the question correctly.


    If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.


    If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off
    my email list.

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on July 28, 2009, 10:09:46 AM
Barack Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head.

In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.

The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Barack, and told him to drink it all.

Barack drank the concoction and replied, 'That tasted like bull shit!' The doctor said "It is - you were a quart low.”

 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 28, 2009, 01:42:35 PM
President Obama was out for a jog one morning when he noticed a little boy sitting on the curb with a box of puppies on his lap. 

The President stopped and asked the lad, "What are you doing with that box of puppies, son?" 

To which the boy replied, "I'm selling them, sir.  Would you like to buy one?" 

The President asked the boy, with a grin, "Well, I don't know.  Are they democrat puppies or republican puppies?" 

"Oh they're democrat puppies", replied the lad.

"I'm not in the market for a puppy, since I just got one for my girls a few months ago, but since they're democrat puppies I'm sure you'll have no problem selling them." replied the President, before jogging off down the street with his Secret Service detail in tow.

About a week later, Michelle Obama was out for a jog, when she came upon this same little boy with his box of puppies.

Mrs. Obama said, "You must be the little boy my husband told me about.  Are you having much luck trying to sell those democrat puppies?"

The boy replied, "Sorry, ma'am, but these are republican puppies."

Michelle, taken somewhat aback by his response, replied, "But I thought you told the President just last week that they were democrat puppies."

To which the lad replied, "Last week they were democrat puppies, Mrs. Obama, but this week their eyes are open."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on July 28, 2009, 02:07:37 PM
Every Friday night after work, sun, snow or rain, Jack would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a moose steak.
But, all of Jack's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled moose steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Jack, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Jack attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said: "You were born a Protestant and raised a Protestant, but now you are a Catholic."
Jack's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled moose filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Jack's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Jack, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat while he chanted: "You wuz born a moose, you wuz raised a moose, but now you are a Codfish."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on July 29, 2009, 08:51:07 AM
MAKES ME PROUD TO BE AN AUSSIE


'Hello, is this the police?'
'Yes it is. How can we help you?'
'I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding Cocaine inside his
firewood!'
'Thank you very much for the call.'
The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers.
They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes,
they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine.
They swear at Wazza and leave.
The phone rings at Wazza's house. 'Hey, Wazz, Did the cops come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop up your firewood?'
'Yep.'
'Happy Birthday, maaaaaaaaaate
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: long762range on July 29, 2009, 10:53:39 AM
You have wood down under?











 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: m25operator on July 29, 2009, 01:00:29 PM
HERES ONE FOR PHILW

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint.

when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'   

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints..  After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,


'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...
How much water did you drink!?'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: True_Texan on July 29, 2009, 03:04:19 PM
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.   
He had a large pond in the back.   
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.   
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.   
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'   
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: long762range on July 29, 2009, 03:21:37 PM
An old Australian battler lies dying in his bed. He calls over Shirley, his faithful wife of 60 years, and says, "Shirl, when we started out, tried to buy a business in the depression, went bust: you were with me"
"Oh, yes, Bruce", she says.
Then the war started, I joined up, and was sent to the front line, where I lost me legs. You stayed with me."
"Oh yes, Bruce" she says.
"Then, came home, couldn't get a job, due to me disability, and bought a farm."
"Oh, yes, Bruce", she says.
"The farm flooded, then just when we got over that, there was a bushfire, and then the drought, which wiped us right out: you still stayed with me."
"Oh yes, Bruce,"
"Now here I am, in excruiating pain, about to die, useless and you're still with me."
"Yes Bruce."
"Shirl."
"Yes, Bruce?"
"You're bloody bad luck"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on July 29, 2009, 03:51:40 PM
One dark night in the small town of Garfield , NJ, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

W hen the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the sce NE, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will donate $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out and delivers them to me."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi , NJ volunteer fire department composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance that was as if they were fighting to save their own lives Within a short time, the Lodi old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Wella," said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief, "de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa uppa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on July 30, 2009, 07:03:28 AM
 ;D ;D  hehe   love them M25  and long762range
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on July 30, 2009, 07:04:12 AM
I know i shouldn't  however    ;D


why God gave them camels


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NwhgYIMjY1s
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: True_Texan on July 30, 2009, 11:55:19 AM


Dear Diary:


May 30th: My wife and I just moved to San Antonio, TEXAS from up North. Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 10th: It’s really heating up. Got to 100 today! Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

June 14th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for us! Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

June 30th: The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer than I expected.

July 10th: Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 15th: I missed Morgan (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had died and was swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $2,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like 'Kibbles and sh----'. I learned my lesson though.. No more pets in this heat.

July 20th: The wind stinks. It feels like a giant blow dryer!! And it's hot as h-e-l-l. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the A/C repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts!

July 21st: Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. $1,500 in house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

July 22nd: It's 105 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85, but this humidity makes the house feel like it's about 95. Dumb repairman peed in my pool. I hate this stupid city!

July 23rd: If another wiseass cracks "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to strangle him. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

July 24th: Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts and sat on the black leather seats in the car. I lost two layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried butt, and baked cat.

July 25th: The weather report might as well be a recording: Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for two months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. How can it WARM UP when it’s already 1000 freakin’ degrees? Doesn't it ever rain in this desert?? Water rationing will be next, so I might as well watch $1700 worth of cactus just dry up and blow into the pool! Even the cactus can't live in this heat!

July 26th: Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 105 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?"

My wife had to spend the $1500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Dang South! WHAT KIND OF A SICK DEMENTED PERSON WOULD WANT TO LIVE HERE!?!??!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Kid Shelleen on July 30, 2009, 05:40:59 PM
Livin' up to your name. Funny and TRUE. ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on July 31, 2009, 07:03:52 AM
The latest telephone poll taken by the California Governor's office asked whether people think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered:  'Yes, it is a serious problem.'

71% of respondents answered:  'No es una problema seriosa.'  
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: True_Texan on August 01, 2009, 04:23:11 AM
It works for Obama!!

(http://i598.photobucket.com/albums/tt63/True-Texan/Obama_E-D.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on August 01, 2009, 07:25:25 AM

Dear Diary:


May 30th: My wife and I just moved to San Antonio, TEXAS from up North. Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 10th: It’s really heating up. Got to 100 today! Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

June 14th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for us! Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

June 30th: The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer than I expected.

July 10th: Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 15th: I missed Morgan (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had died and was swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $2,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like 'Kibbles and sh----'. I learned my lesson though.. No more pets in this heat.

July 20th: The wind stinks. It feels like a giant blow dryer!! And it's hot as h-e-l-l. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the A/C repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts!

July 21st: Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. $1,500 in house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

July 22nd: It's 105 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85, but this humidity makes the house feel like it's about 95. Dumb repairman peed in my pool. I hate this stupid city!

July 23rd: If another wiseass cracks "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to strangle him. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

July 24th: Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts and sat on the black leather seats in the car. I lost two layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried butt, and baked cat.

July 25th: The weather report might as well be a recording: Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for two months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. How can it WARM UP when it’s already 1000 freakin’ degrees? Doesn't it ever rain in this desert?? Water rationing will be next, so I might as well watch $1700 worth of cactus just dry up and blow into the pool! Even the cactus can't live in this heat!

July 26th: Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 105 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?"

My wife had to spend the $1500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Dang South! WHAT KIND OF A SICK DEMENTED PERSON WOULD WANT TO LIVE HERE!?!??!!

Having just moved from Michigan to South Carolina...  Well, I havent had to get bailed out of jail yet.  :D  But that was a GREAT one Tex!
Title: Interesting Opservations
Post by: Johnny Bravo on August 01, 2009, 10:25:15 PM


 

Did you know:

That the words race car spelled backward says race car.

That eat is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells it's past tense ate.

Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells out:

"F$%k off and go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid producing, violent, non-English speaking c$%ksuckers and take those hairy faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat f$%king, smelly rag head bastards with you."

How weird is that?  ;D
 
 
  Johnny Bravo's answer to the immigration problem.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on August 03, 2009, 05:51:10 AM
A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little
girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said, 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yep,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, 'Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you got, did
Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes, he sure did,' chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa
the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.'
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on August 03, 2009, 09:49:59 AM
A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the
summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing
a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if
he had any odd jobs for her to do.
 
'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said.
'How much will you charge me?'
               
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about  $50?'
               
The man agreed and told  her that the paint brushes and everything
she would need was in the  garage.  The man's wife, hearing the conversation
said to her  husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way
around the  house?'
               
He responded, 'That's a  bit cynical, isn't it?'
               
The wife  replied, 'You're right.  I guess I'm starting to Believe
all those dumb blonde jokes'.
               
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
               
'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.
'Yes, the blonde replied,  and I even had paint left over, so I gave
it two  coats.'
               
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed
it to her along with a ten dollar tip.
               
'And by the  way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch,
it's a Lexus.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on August 03, 2009, 01:54:41 PM
Have you ever wondered what the
Difference is between Grandmothers & Grandfathers?

       Well here it is:
 

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special
effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would
take his 7-year old Granddaughter out for a drive in the car for 
some bonding time... Just he and his Granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel
like being up at all.

Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their
granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see
her Grandfather.

 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'



       'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and
Do you know what?   We didn't see a single dumb bastard, dip shit or
horse's ass anywhere we went today!'

    Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it...?????

 ;D ;D :D :D ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on August 03, 2009, 03:42:22 PM
Have you ever wondered what the
Difference is between Grandmothers & Grandfathers?

       Well here it is:
 

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special
effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would
take his 7-year old Granddaughter out for a drive in the car for 
some bonding time... Just he and his Granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel
like being up at all.

Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their
granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see
her Grandfather.

 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'



       'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and
Do you know what?   We didn't see a single dumb bastard, dip shit or
horse's ass anywhere we went today!'

    Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it...?????

 ;D ;D :D :D ;)


Yup, it does. I try not to use those words around my grand daughter, as she is a sponge and a parrot in one - repeats everything. Instead, I drive her mother and gramma nuts by doing a "wheeeeee" ride, which is simply to take a specific sinuous turn and high speed, using my EVOC and lifetime training to move through quickly. She loves it, the grownups do not. It's all for her.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on August 03, 2009, 05:52:39 PM
A guy orders a beer...
The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits a blonde's Boobs and splashes all over them. The bartender goes over & retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.
Each time the guy calls for another beer This happens. So after his third beer he decides to help the bartender out.

The next time the bartender hit her boobs the man jumps up and starts to Lick her breasts... SHE DECKS HIM!
While he is laying on the floor moaning and Groaning he says "Jeez lady why do you let the bartender do it?"
"Because" says The blonde....
 
 
He has a licker license.'




I Know its been posted before == but I like it.  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on August 04, 2009, 02:11:10 PM
 
A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.
Surprised, the daughter asked her father, 'Daddy, what the heck was that?'
Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, 'It....it was only a bug, Honey.'
The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said..

'Sure had a big dick, didn't it?'

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on August 05, 2009, 09:46:56 PM
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
 sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down,
 but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
 Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
 toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and
 hands it back.

 'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

 They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
 theater followed b y drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares he r deepest
 dreams and
 he shares his. She listens.

 After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her
 place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful
 time.

 The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy> is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every
 guy you meet?'

 'No,' she replies. . .





 Wait for it. .




 It's coming..





The suspense is killing you, isn't it?











 She says :
 'You just happened to catch my eye.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on August 06, 2009, 05:00:41 AM
Heard it in a different way, but cute!

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 06, 2009, 03:28:21 PM
A man enters a bar and orders a drink.
The bar has a robot bartender.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."
He decides to test the robot.
He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink.
Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responds, "about 100."
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, Indy 500, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, and women's breasts.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test.
He returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."
And the robot says... real slowly.... "So, ya gonna vote for Obama again?"

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on August 06, 2009, 08:08:06 PM
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
 
Get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
 
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their
stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies
saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay,that only Ernie was
left.
 
 
 
  "Ernie, do you have a story to share?"
 
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in
Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival
knife."
 
"She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then
her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed
four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last
Iraqi With her bare hands."
 
"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your daddy tell you was
the moral to this horrible story?"
 
"Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking." ;D
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: m25operator on August 06, 2009, 09:21:56 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;) Bet she was from Texas, or Tennessee, maybe Kansas ( M'lette ).
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on August 06, 2009, 10:07:02 PM
Computer - A Male or a Female? : Interesting conclusion

Must be written by a women, what do you reckon?






A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
 
'Pencil' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'House' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on August 07, 2009, 12:19:38 AM
Ever wanted to see Bill Clinton with a Moustache




Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on August 07, 2009, 08:11:46 AM
This oughta offend just about everyone....




   FIRE IN BLOCK OF FLATS

In South Sydney, a fire destroyed a four story block of flats.

A Polynesian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and
all  six died in the fire.

An Islamic group of seven Pakistani welfare cheats, all illegally in
the  country, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in
the  fire.

Six Maori, ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.

Four Aboriginal families in the 2 flats on the 4th floor also perished.

One white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.

Relatives of the deceased and local do-gooders were furious. They flew
into Sydney and quickly demanded a meeting with the fire chief. On
camera,  they loudly demanded to know why the Islanders, Muslims, Maoris
and  Aboriginals all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.

The fire chief quietly replied,




"Simple - they were both at work."







Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on August 07, 2009, 02:05:51 PM
Ten Thoughts to Ponder

 Number 10


Life is sexually transmitted. 

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.

If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the Internet and
they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ...
Not really good for anything, but youstill can't help but smile  when
you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.   
It pays no attention to Criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00,
and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2 
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.


And The Number 1 Thought....


                   "Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers;
 
           What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow"

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on August 07, 2009, 02:06:55 PM
Guy calls the company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such Luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. As Promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your ass is mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on August 07, 2009, 02:10:04 PM
Ever wanted to see Bill Clinton with a Moustache






Bill gets a Dirty Sanchez.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on August 10, 2009, 06:58:07 AM
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 11, 2009, 03:54:16 PM
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole..'
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.
'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.'
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'
'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.
'No, I won't.
'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'
With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.
'See,' she said.. 'I knew you'd laugh!'
'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: True_Texan on August 11, 2009, 10:09:35 PM
You can't out-do a Texan
***********************************
 A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle,  pulls up next to a guy in
 a Rolls Royce at a stop sign.  Their windows are open and he yells at the
 guy in the
 Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"  The guy in the Rolls
 says, "Yes, of course I do.."

 "I got one too... see?" the Texan says. "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

 "You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan. "Why, actually, yes, I do."
 "I do too!  See?  It's right here!" brags the  Texan.

 The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says,
 "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"
 The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO!  Do you?"  "Yep, got my double bed
 right in back here," the Texan replies.

 The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.

 Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately
 goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of
 his car.

 About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and
 drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with theTexas
 plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his
 Rolls up next to it.

 The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat
 awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on
 the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

 The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.
 The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"
 "Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?"
 "Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls.

 "The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT !!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: True_Texan on August 11, 2009, 10:22:57 PM
NOTE:  Somebody from California apparently wrote the top part, but somebody from Texas came back and put them on their asses at the bottom. And whoever that was, GOD BLESS YOU!

CALIFORNIA :

- I can wear sandals all year long

- I go to the Beach - not "down to the shore"

-Our chicks are WAYYYY hotter than yours. Well... Miami can hang.

- I say "like" and "for sure" and "right on" and "dude" and "totally" and "peace out" and "chill" and "tight" and "bro" and I say them often

- I know what real cheese & avocados taste like

-Everyone smokes weed and its no big deal

-We'll roll up 40 deep when something goes down.

-I live next door to Mexicans, but we call them American's!

-All the porn you watch is made here, cause we're better and thats how it is

- I don't get snowdays off because theres only snow in Mammoth, Tahoe, Shasta, and Big Bear

- I know 65 mph really means 100

- When someone cuts me off, they get the horn and the finger and high speed chase cuz we dont f..k around on the road

- The drinking age is 21 but everyone starts at 14 (legally 18 if you live close enough to the border)

- My governor can kick your governors ass

- I can go out at midnight

-You judge people based on what area code they live in, and when asked where you're from, you give your area code

- I might get looked at funny by locals when I'm on vacation in their state, but when they find out I'm from California I turn into a Greek GOD

- We don't stop at stop signs... we do a " california roll"
No cop no stop baby!

- I can get fresh and REAL Mexican food 24 hours a day

- All the TV shows you "other" states watch get filmed here

- We're the Golden State . Not the Cheese State . Not the Garden State .....GOLDEN!!!

- We have In-N-Out ( Arizona and Vegas are lucky we share that with them)

- I have the most representation in the House of Representatives, which means MY opinion means more than yours, which means I'm better than you [geez.... hahaha]

- The best athletes come from here

*******IF YOU'RE FROM CALIFORNIA , REPOST THIS*******
******IF YOU'RE NOT, GO SIT IN A CORNER AND CRY******

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

TEXAS :

Ahem... So.. Um.. yeah... I read this, and thought I would reply...


Hey... California listen up... Texas is where its at!

- I too can wear sandals all year long... plus I can put on boots to stomp your toes and I won't even stick out.

- You may be able to go to the "beach" instead of the "shore"... but can you go to the drive thru "Beer Barn?" What now surfer boy?

- You're chicks aren't way hotter than ours... they are almost equal... and thats only due to silicone, saline, botox, lasers and hair dye... We have the real ones and they can beat yours up.

- We're taught to say "Yes Sir" and "Yes Ma'am" and respect our elders because of it. We also say "Howdy" and "fixin" and "Yall" are pretty much recognized right away anywhere in the world :) We're famous

- You may know what real cheese and avocados taste like... but I know what 100% Grade A Angus Beef tastes like. Who wants avocados and cheese when you can have steak and potatoes?

- Haha... who do you think grows the weed and sells it to you?

- Why roll 40 deep when something goes down if 5 corn fed country boys can get the job done...

- I live next door to americans, but we call them mexicans

- About your Porn.... 3 words... "Debbie Does Dallas "... You can brag about it now, but we started it

- Why would you brag about not getting snow days off?

- We're smart enought to know 65mph means 65, but our speed limit is 70.

- - When someone cuts me off, they get run over by my big ass truck, then I give them the finger and tell them to go back to california .

- The drinking age is 21, but if you aren't chasin the beer by 1 yr old... you're behind.

- Yeah, Well my governor became the President of the United States ... yours isn't even eligible.

- You can go out at midnight? Thats nice, I haven't even come home by then.

- Ok... you said,"You judge people based on what area code they live in, and when asked where you're from, you give your area code" and as hard as I try I have no idea what you're talking about... I think you're watching too much tv.

- Yeah, you'll definitely get looked at funny when you come to visit but we have another name for you pretty boys, and its not greek, its french.

- Of course you don't stop at stop signs... none of you can drive.

- You can pick up Real mexican food 24 hours a day huh... well I can swing by home depot and pick up 24 Real mexicans anytime of day. Can you say catering?

- All the tv shows get filmed there... but where does your favorite poker game come from? Texas Hold'em anyone?

- You can keep your golden state... We're the Lone Star State ...the one and only!!

- Do I have to remind you about the drive thru Beer Barn again? Does In-N-Out serve alcohol? (Oh and did I mention Dr. Pepper was created in Texas ?)

- You guys have the best athletes huh?... Eight words... Lance Armstrong and The University of Texas at Austin

Though I could mention MICHAEL JOHNSON - Olympic Sprinter, World record holder in 200m and 400m, 5 Olympic Gold medals, 9 time World Champion (born Dallas , Tx )

Oh and remind me again who won the Rose Bowl between USC and Texas ????? I believe it was the LONGHORNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- Football is a religion, not a sport

- In Texas , football means football, not soccer.

- 90% of football "movies" you guys are making are about Texas Football.

-Varsity Blues, filmed in Georgetown , Tx - Friday Night Lights, filmed in Odessa , Tx - Necessary Roughness, filmed in San Marcos , Texas

- Texas is the only state that can still separate to become its own country. The only way California 's gonna accomplish that is if another earthquake comes along and you guys sink into the ocean. Can you say Atlantis.... hahaha

Come on Texans Show Your Colors! Repost!

And as the Great Sam Houston once said " Texas could survive without the United States , but the United States could not survive without Texas "
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on August 11, 2009, 10:41:07 PM
The Squirrel and the Grasshopper

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION (cept Brittain - theyre worse)

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

THE AMERICAN VERSION


The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

An Obamacare social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

CNBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The Washington press informs people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.

The Democrats, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Housing Commission of United States demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.

The CNBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Woodstock with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome".

Jesse Jackson rants in an interview on the O’reilly Factor that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter Washington city centre.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders,
for the work he was doing on his home, and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a Department of Housing house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re-distributed to the more needy members of society - in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home.

The local authority takes over his old home and utilizes it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to America as they had to share their country of origin with mice.

On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Americans' apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.

Initial moves to make then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice.

The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards..

A 60 Minutes special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the Department of Housing house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it. He is shown to be taking drugs.

Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug "Illness".

The cats seek recompense in the Federal Court for their treatment since arrival in America .

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.

Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A Senate of enquiry, that will eventually cost $100 million and state the obvious, is set up.

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers.

Legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased.

The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching America ’s multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose.

The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison...

They call for the resignation of a Senator.

The cats are paid $1 million each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in America.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 75 because of a shortfall in government funds.



THE END
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 12, 2009, 11:40:02 AM
Not as funny as it COULD be but I got a chuckle out of it  ;D

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Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 12, 2009, 12:11:40 PM
Not as funny as it COULD be but I got a chuckle out of it  ;D

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Typical ivory-tower, all knowing, all seeing, I'm better than you are inside-the-beltway bozo.  The talking head got one thing right, though, contrary to what our "representatives" might think, the world does NOT revolve around them.  it's time they relearned that little lesson.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ichiban on August 12, 2009, 01:12:07 PM
Dan Rostenkowski.  Let's see, wasn't he a powerful Illinois Democrat that was convicted of corruption charges?  How strange.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 12, 2009, 02:13:44 PM
 Most States see their politicians retire, in NJ and Ill. they get paroled.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 12, 2009, 04:08:00 PM
May have been posted before...so forgive me if it is a repeat.......


Twelve indicators that the economy is doing bad

12. CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.

9. Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.

8. Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.

7. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

6. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their childrens names.

5. The most highly-paid job available is now jury duty.

4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate; do you know how many kids are starving in America?"

3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on.

2. The Mafia is laying off judges.

And my most favorite indicator of all.

1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on August 13, 2009, 02:57:09 PM
Last week I was out of town and when I checked into my hotel I was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!

I figured, what the heck, give her a call. "Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy.

Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and Id like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"









"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."   :o  :-[
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 13, 2009, 03:07:03 PM
Last week out was out of town and when I checked into my hotel I was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!

I figured, what the heck, give her a call. "Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy.

Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and Id like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"









"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."



And you're joking where?

Sounds like a case of personal experience talking.        ;D   
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on August 14, 2009, 07:29:03 AM
YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL.....YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE, AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL ..

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MUSTANG! ' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THAT UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ASS,

GRAY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

SON OF A BITCH ASKED....

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on August 14, 2009, 02:11:54 PM
Dumb as a Box of Rocks

                                       THIS IS PRICELESS !!!!!!

        A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function
        where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the
        opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a
        question with which he was most at ease.

        'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a
        mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

        'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which
        anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that
        puts you on the track.'

        'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
        Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the
        world and died during one of them. Which one?''
         Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You
        wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess,
        I don't know much about history.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on August 14, 2009, 05:03:53 PM
 TOP  TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR COMPANY HAS CHANGED TO THE GOVERNMENT'S VERY
INEXPENSIVE HEALTH CARE PLAN:


 (10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you
enter the trailer park."
(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a
day..."
(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to
Goodwill last month.
(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not
a typographical error.
(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."
(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED THE GOVERNMENT'S VERY CHEAP HEALTH
CARE PLAN:
(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct Tape.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 14, 2009, 09:42:59 PM
New from P&G.....


BHO TP......


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on August 14, 2009, 09:47:49 PM
TP with an a$$hole on it.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 14, 2009, 09:51:17 PM
Pre-used.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on August 16, 2009, 03:34:55 PM
>TRAFFIC CAMERA
>
>A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.
>
>He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit,
>even though he knew that he was not speeding...
>
>Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot,
>driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
>
>Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again,
>but the traffic camera again flashed.
>
>He tried a fourth time with the same result.
>
>He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past,
>this time at a snail's pace...
>Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
>
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 17, 2009, 01:51:22 AM
1.  DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2.  ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3.  ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4.  IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND
APES?

5.  THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE
BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6.  I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP
SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7.  WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8.  IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH
SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT
CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10.  IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11.  WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12.  WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED
PLANT?

13.  IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14.  WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15.  WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL
CLEAN THEM?

16.  IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17.  CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18.  IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO
REMAIN SILENT?

19.  WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20.  HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21.  WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22.  ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23.  DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24.  DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25.  HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26.  IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27.  IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28.  IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29.  WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

30.  WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

31.  WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32.  WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33.  IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME
DISORIENTED?

34.  CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 17, 2009, 07:53:33 AM
1.  DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2.  ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3.  ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4.  IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND
APES?

5.  THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE
BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6.  I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP
SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7.  WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8.  IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH
SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT
CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10.  IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11.  WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12.  WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED
PLANT?

13.  IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14.  WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15.  WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL
CLEAN THEM?

16.  IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17.  CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18.  IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO
REMAIN SILENT?

19.  WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20.  HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21.  WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22.  ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23.  DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24.  DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25.  HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26.  IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27.  IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28.  IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29.  WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

30.  WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

31.  WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32.  WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33.  IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME
DISORIENTED?

34.  CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD


35.  WHY IS THERE A LOCK ON THE DOOR OF A 24 HOUR CONVENIENCE STORE?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on August 17, 2009, 08:06:57 AM
35.  WHY IS THERE A LOCK ON THE DOOR OF A 24 HOUR CONVENIENCE STORE?

I once stopped at a 24 hour store just as they were locking up and I asked, "Why are you locking the door?  The store is open for 24 hrs isn't it?".....

"Yes!", he replied, "But not all in a row!".......

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 17, 2009, 10:24:44 AM
I once stopped at a 24 hour store just as they were locking up and I asked, "Why are you locking the door?  The store is open for 24 hrs isn't it?".....

"Yes!", he replied, "But not all in a row!".......

 ;D


File that under:

"Things that make you go WTF?!?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on August 17, 2009, 11:33:32 AM
Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home, frustrated.

The following week, when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave was already there. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.

"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?" "I didn't have to," Dave replied. I went home from work last night and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'.. When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want'......SO HERE I AM!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on August 17, 2009, 02:09:04 PM
 A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana and talks with an old rancher.

 He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

 

 The old rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
 
The DEA officer verbally explodes, saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me."
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. "See this badge?
This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear?

Do you understand?"

 

The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life, chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.

 
The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the top of his lungs, "Your badge! Show him your badge!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 17, 2009, 02:11:38 PM
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.
Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
 
For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
 
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
 
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and Duct Tape.. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Always remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
 
If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
 
And finally:
 
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES; NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on August 17, 2009, 03:58:55 PM
The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot..
'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.
'I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!'
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
'No objection,' the patient say=. 'I'm fine with pills.'
The dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'
'It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.’
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on August 17, 2009, 07:19:14 PM
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
 

Dude!!  Ewwwwwww!   :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on August 17, 2009, 07:29:22 PM
Dude!!  Ewwwwwww!   :o

What? Like you never . . .

ooo, sorry, forgot, you're one of the ladies here. Ladies would never ever think of using the sink, right? Right M'ette? ? ?  ::)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steyr M40A1 on August 17, 2009, 08:40:53 PM
19.  WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

Or braille on the baby changing station in the bathroom?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on August 18, 2009, 09:44:25 PM
What? Like you never . . .

ooo, sorry, forgot, you're one of the ladies here. Ladies would never ever think of using the sink, right? Right M'ette? ? ?  ::)




I used to work in a bar, I can't count the times we had to put the sink back on the wall after a busy night.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on August 18, 2009, 09:48:27 PM
> The year is 1947
> >
> > Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little
> over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying
> object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed
> onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell , New
> Mexico . This is a well known incident that
> many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force
> and other federal agencies and organizations.
> >
> > However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of
> April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the
> following people were born:
> >
> >
> > Albert A. Gore, Jr.
> > Hillary Rodham
> > John F. Kerry
> > Howard Dean
> > Nancy Pelosi
> > Dianne
> Feinstein
> > Charles E.
> Schumer
> > Barbara Boxer
> >
> >
> > See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and
> > jackasses?
> > I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a
> lot of
> > things for you. It did for me.
> >
> > No wonder they support the bill to help illegal
> aliens!


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 18, 2009, 10:55:42 PM
http://www.snopes.com/politics/humor/roswell.asp

Not exactly true, but Al Gore WAS born 3-31-48  and he was the one who cast the tie breaking vote to grant Social security to illegal aliens. ???
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on August 19, 2009, 06:18:38 AM

I used to work in a bar, I can't count the times we had to put the sink back on the wall after a busy night.

Which bathroom though . . . . ?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 19, 2009, 11:09:11 AM
These are a few years old but we need to remember how dumb our fellow citizens are.

We need to learn from this we could all be millionaires

 


 

Stella Awards

It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.


Here are the Stellas for the past year:


*SEVENTH PLACE*

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

Start scratching!


* SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Scratch some more...


* FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are more...

Double hand scratching after this one..


*FOURTH PLACE*

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..


* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Only two more so ease up on the scratching....


*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.


Ok. Here we go!!


* FIRST PLACE *

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?
$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on August 19, 2009, 12:19:55 PM
Which bathroom though . . . . ?


The girls restroom...... when both stalls were full they would sit on the sink to pee. ???
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on August 19, 2009, 07:06:14 PM

The girls restroom...... when both stalls were full they would sit on the sink to pee. ???

 :o  That's not very ladylike.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 19, 2009, 07:10:48 PM
LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT..........
 
Obama's health care plan will be:
written by a committee whose head says he doesn't understand it,
passed by a Congress that hasn't read it,
signed by a president who smokes,
funded by a treasury chief who did not pay his taxes,
overseen by a surgeon general who is obese,
and
financed by a country that is broke.
 
What possibly could go wrong?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on August 19, 2009, 07:12:57 PM
LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT..........
 
Obama's health care plan will be:
written by a committee whose head says he doesn't understand it,
passed by a Congress that hasn't read it,
signed by a president who smokes,
funded by a treasury chief who did not pay his taxes,
overseen by a surgeon general who is obese,
and
financed by a country that is broke.
 
What possibly could go wrong?


WOW!

I am going to steal this a pass it around!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 19, 2009, 08:49:49 PM
Just sent it to the Brit BIL  ;D
I was actually NICE to him.
I didn't mention that 60 years ago they were an Empire, then they introduced all this socialist crap and now they are a tiny welfare state.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 21, 2009, 01:26:50 PM
DIVORCE AGREEMENT
 

THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT AND I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT'S BY A YOUNG PERSON, A STUDENT!!! WHATEVER HE RUNS FOR, I'LL VOTE FOR HIM.
 
American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists
and Obama supporters, et al:
 

We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
 

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure 

our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can 

effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
 

We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns 

and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.

 

You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O' Don nell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).
 

We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot
Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood ..

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are
under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N.. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a
right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag. 

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you Answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheehan, Barbara Streisand, &
Jane Fonda with you.

P. S. S.  And we won't have to press 1 for English.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jackel on August 21, 2009, 02:33:38 PM
thats hilarious :D

dont quite know which side i want to be on  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MinotBob on August 22, 2009, 04:53:12 AM
A teacher was explaining to her class that certain colors are associated with particular colors, so she passed out lifesavers to each child. The children began to identify the flavors by their color:


Red......................Cherry

Yellow................Lemon

Green..................Lime

Orange ............... Orange


Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None

of the children could identify the taste.


The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your

mother may sometimes call your father.'


One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and

yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 22, 2009, 02:12:55 PM
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in  the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?'
The cop says: 'What are you doing?'
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine..'
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: 'And her, what is she doing?'
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... and nothing  obscene is happening!
The cop asks: 'What's your age, young man?'
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'
The cop asks: 'And her ... what's her age?'

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 22, 2009, 03:05:14 PM
          MORALS...

·       
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night,
when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the
bus:


1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.


2. An old friend who once saved your life.


3 The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.


Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there
could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue
reading.


This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part
of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is
going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take
the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be
the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able
to find your perfect mate again.




YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS....................




The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car
keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I
would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'


Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn
thought limitations.


Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'



HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put
her out of her misery because Obama's health care won't pay for her, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood
of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.


God, I just love happy endings!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 24, 2009, 02:18:44 PM
When you are having a bad day,

and think that you are having problems,

just remember:

SOMEWHERE IN THIS WORLD, THERE IS A MR. PELOSI.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 24, 2009, 02:21:54 PM
Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!
I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 24, 2009, 02:23:33 PM
Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Pine Street Elementary in Spartanburg , SC forwarded the following letter.

The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say "thank you". This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.


Dear Pine Street Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Rosecrest Retirement Home. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Agnes Baker
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 24, 2009, 02:27:26 PM
Listen up guys, here's my personal public service announcement:
 
I haven’t yet checked out Snopes for this one, but even if it turns out to be just an urban legend there might be something in it from which we can learn:

*****
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me totally by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping bags into the trunk.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.
It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.
You agree and they get into the back seat.
On the way, they start undressing.
Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
 
I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th.
Also August 1st & 4th, twice on the 5th, 9th, 11th, 12th & 13th, three times yesterday, twice today and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.


P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each~~I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out.
Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds.
I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Home Depot.

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 24, 2009, 02:29:25 PM
 8 beers - $32
 2 plane tickets - $1000
 1 Day of a Harvard Professor's time - $500
 1 Day of the Vice Presidents time - $850
 1 Day of the President's time - $1,000


 Watching 3 crooks apologize to an "honest cop" - PRICELESS!

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 24, 2009, 02:55:37 PM
A definite repeat...but funny.........



A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.
 
He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
 
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
 
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in  my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.'
 
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.

Everyone  turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
 
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were  screaming and raising hell.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.
 
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
 
Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.
 
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something... You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'
 
Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

Leroy said, 'I want the name of the Sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Kid Shelleen on August 24, 2009, 03:00:14 PM
A polar bear walks into a bar and says "bartender, I'll have a rum and..............................................................................Coke.
The bartender says, "Why the long pause?
Polar bear says, "Dunno, I've always had 'em.

Ba   dump   bump. ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on August 24, 2009, 06:47:24 PM
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/cartoons/image0011.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on August 24, 2009, 06:49:02 PM
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/cartoons/image0011.jpg)

Yep, She's back!


*Cough
http://www.downrange.tv/forum/index.php?topic=7477.0
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 24, 2009, 07:05:05 PM
Yep, She's back!


*Cough
http://www.downrange.tv/forum/index.php?topic=7477.0

Man, is it something in your DNA that makes you prone to poking a hornets nest with a short stick?



 ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on August 24, 2009, 07:21:51 PM
Peg..........you have an uncanny way of seeing the future................................

ericire12..........all I can say is.
"IF we ever get the privilege of meeting face to face... you better come loaded with full ammo.. cause verbally one on one.....You are toast!   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 24, 2009, 07:24:03 PM
I'd pay good money to see that exchange.   :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on August 24, 2009, 07:53:11 PM
I'd pay good money to see that exchange.   :o

I call the popcorn stand!  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on August 24, 2009, 08:41:15 PM
I want the Beer concession (And HAZARITAS of course)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 24, 2009, 10:06:54 PM
 Guess I'll have to settle for tickets  ;D
M'ette, try to drag it out a LITTLE longer than Joe Louis did against Max Shmelling.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Kid Shelleen on August 24, 2009, 11:17:34 PM
Surely someone will want a soft drink. I call the Coke concessions.

I can't wait to see this one.

Ruuuuuuuuun Eric.........................(http://i963.photobucket.com/albums/ae111/KidShelleen/Smileys/Explosion.gif)   Too Late!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on August 25, 2009, 08:29:34 AM
I want the Beer concession (And HAZARITAS of course)

There is a license fee for commercial use.



;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on August 25, 2009, 09:03:01 AM
I'll let you shoot my 3Screws   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on August 25, 2009, 09:05:58 AM
Haz.....I'll buy in as long as there are HAZARITAS !!!(http://i895.photobucket.com/albums/ac157/johnnybravo7/smileys/beer.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on August 25, 2009, 09:10:34 AM
ericire12..........all I can say is.
"IF we ever get the privilege of meeting face to face... you better come loaded with full ammo.. cause verbally one on one.....You are toast!   ;D ;D

(http://www.smileyx.com/smilies/character00268.gif)

"Bring enough gun tank!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on August 25, 2009, 09:10:42 AM
I'll let you shoot my 3Screws   ;D ;D

Now that is tempting!  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on August 25, 2009, 10:33:08 AM
Old one but good one.........

Larry came home late one night and, Kitty, his wife says, 'Where in the hell have you been?'

 

Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.' 'A tattoo?' she frowned. What kind of tattoo did you get?' 'I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly..

 

'What the hell were you thinking?' she said, shaking her head in
disgust.'Why on earth would a retired person get a hundred dollar bill tattooed On his privates?'

 

'Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two,once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.'

 

 

 

 

Larry is recovering in room 233 at the local hospital.
(http://i895.photobucket.com/albums/ac157/johnnybravo7/smileys/th36_12_6.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 25, 2009, 11:29:30 AM
I call Pay-Per-View rights!!!    ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on August 26, 2009, 11:54:08 AM
Snappy Answers!
 
Snappy Answer #1
 
 
 
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
 
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he
 
opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said,
 
"Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
 
 
 
Snappy Answer #2
 
 
 
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,
 
but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock
 
boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
 
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am,
 
they're dead."
 
 
 
Snappy Answer #3
 
 
 
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
 
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day", the
 
cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
 
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
 
without a ticket.
 
 
 
Snappy Answer #4
 
 
 
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign came up
 
that read low bridge ahead. Before he knew it the bridge was right
 
ahead of him and he was stuck under the bridge. Cars backed up for miles.
 
Finally, a police car arrived. The cop got out of his car and
 
walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said,
 
Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge
and ran out of gas."
 
 
 
BONUS Snappy Answer
 
 
 
A girl visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs
 
asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one
 
was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever
 
heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
 
"Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo,"
 
answered the blond, "They're watch dogs!"
 
 
 
Can't get enough? The BEST is LAST !
 
 
 
A pompous minister was seated next to a TEXAN on a flight to Dallas.
 
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The TEXAN
 
asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
 
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
 
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores
 
than let liquor touch my lips."
 
The TEXAN looked at the minister, then handed his drink back to the
attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on August 26, 2009, 03:37:31 PM
Snappy Answer #5
 
A gate agent was checking in a line of people for the 747 waiting outside ont he ramp. She was waiting for another agent and was moving the line as fast as she could. One well-dressed man strode staight to the podium and handed her his ticket and boarding pass.

"Sir", she said, "You will have to wait your turn in line."

He said "I am the president of a multi-million dollar company, I travel thousands of miles every month, and I am flying first class, - you will take my ticket now!"

"No, sir", she responded, "You will wait your turn in line."

He fumes at that, and yells red-faced at her - "F-you, you do not know who you are dealing with! Do you know who I am?"

She calmly picked up the microphone and announced over the PA system - "We have a man at the gate who does not know who he is. If anyone recognizes him, would you please report to the podium to claim him please?" - and calmly checked in the next person in line

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on August 27, 2009, 04:05:18 AM
How do you turn a fox  into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference  between a battery and a woman?
A battery  has a positive side.

What are the three  fastest means of communication?
1)  Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and  mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride  until your friends find out.

What should you give a  woman who has everything?
A man to show  her how to work it.

Why is the space  between a woman's breasts and her hips called a  waist?
Because you could easily fit  another pair of tits in there..

How do you make 5  pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on  it.

Why do  women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why did God create  woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom  to the toilet.

Why do women fake  orgasms ?
Because they think men care.   

If your wife keeps  coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have  you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it  take to open a beer?
None. It should be  opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a  really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing  machine will probably never be able to support you.   

Why do women  have smaller feet than men?
It's one of  those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand  closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a  woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told  me...'

How do  you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There  is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas  more than women?
Because women can't shut  up long enough to build up the required pressure.   

If your dog  is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at  the
front door, who do you let  in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut  up once you let him in.

What's worse than a  Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do  what she's told

I married a Miss  Right.
I just didn't know her first name  was Always.

Scientists have  discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive  by
90%..
It's  called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before  their wives?
They want to.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 27, 2009, 08:10:52 AM
How do you turn a fox  into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference  between a battery and a woman?
A battery  has a positive side.

What are the three  fastest means of communication?
1)  Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and  mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride  until your friends find out.

What should you give a  woman who has everything?
A man to show  her how to work it.

Why is the space  between a woman's breasts and her hips called a  waist?
Because you could easily fit  another pair of tits in there..

How do you make 5  pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on  it.

Why do  women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why did God create  woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom  to the toilet.

Why do women fake  orgasms ?
Because they think men care.   

If your wife keeps  coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have  you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it  take to open a beer?
None. It should be  opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a  really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing  machine will probably never be able to support you.   

Why do women  have smaller feet than men?
It's one of  those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand  closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a  woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told  me...'

How do  you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There  is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas  more than women?
Because women can't shut  up long enough to build up the required pressure.   

If your dog  is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at  the
front door, who do you let  in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut  up once you let him in.

What's worse than a  Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do  what she's told

I married a Miss  Right.
I just didn't know her first name  was Always.

Scientists have  discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive  by
90%..
It's  called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before  their wives?
They want to.




Teresa's coming, Phil.  Duck and cover, DUCK AND COVER!!!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on August 27, 2009, 04:35:58 PM
        Let me get this straight.....
        Obama's health care plan will:

            * Be written by a committee whose head says he doesn't understand it.
            * Be passed by a Congress that hasn't read it (but exempts themselves from it).
            * Be signed by a president who smokes (and also hasn't read it).
            * Have funding administered by a treasury chief who did not pay his taxes.
            * Be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese.
            * Be financed by a country that is nearly broke.

        What could possibly go wrong?

 
What could possibly go wrong:
 
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello?"
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The folks at Obama health care recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
 
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on August 28, 2009, 07:33:37 AM
Doctors weigh in on the new Obama health care proposal
 
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: True_Texan on August 28, 2009, 10:01:16 AM
Two tampons were standing in line at the bank. Neither of them said anything to each other, because they were both stuck-up bitches.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on August 28, 2009, 11:11:12 AM
Two tampons were standing in line at the bank. Neither of them said anything to each other, because they were both stuck-up bitches.


hahahaha~~~~  I'm truly sick!

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on August 28, 2009, 12:30:41 PM
Thanks for that Tex..........(http://i895.photobucket.com/albums/ac157/johnnybravo7/smileys/Vomit.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on August 28, 2009, 12:38:38 PM
no.. I meant sick  as in twisted humor sick.. I am truly a twisted sister.. LOL
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on August 28, 2009, 01:02:30 PM
Ok.......(http://i895.photobucket.com/albums/ac157/johnnybravo7/4975_photo.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 28, 2009, 01:04:56 PM
no.. I meant sick  as in twisted humor sick.. I am truly a twisted sister.. LOL


I can vouch for the veracity of that statement.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on August 28, 2009, 01:09:08 PM
I wouldn't want to get on ur bad side M'ette!  (http://i895.photobucket.com/albums/ac157/johnnybravo7/Guns/thGUNBIKINI.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on August 28, 2009, 05:36:18 PM
 Italian Relaxation Technique

 

This sounds absolutely wonderful............visualization to beat stress.  Try it, it really works!!

 

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique used traditionally in Sicily . The funny thing is that it really does work.


1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7 The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of Nancy Pelosi, the person you are holding underwater.

There!! See? It really does work... You're smiling already. Feel free to forward this if you know others who might benefit from this technique.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on August 28, 2009, 08:52:47 PM
Subject: Is sex work?

 

A U.S. Navy captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the captain
decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he
failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it
was "pleasure?"

A commander chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A lieutenant said it was 50-50%.

An ensign responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his
state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the captain turned to the seaman who was in charge
of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young seaman responded, "Sir, it has to be 100%
pleasure."

The captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

God Bless the Navy sailor.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on August 29, 2009, 12:26:54 AM

About the video that Phil posted.............................and the comments afterwards..............
Had to take it off Phil.... .. you and I kinda caused an uproar...  :-\

I was teasing when I gave you and Haz hell.... I truly apologize for those I offended. I didn't mean anything by it.
I should start doing the work of monitoring more closely and not "chime in" so much.. I am waaaay too "guyish" sometime.. Too many years hanging with the guys in the hunting fields and fishing holes I guess.
Almost nothing bothers me at all actually... so I tend to jump in there ..chime in..and dish out the shit when I should be more ladylike...and choose my topics more carefully...
I kinda have a smart ass mouth sometime. I can take more shit  with a smile  than most people can. Doesn't bother me.. Just gives me an excuse to have a snappy comeback..and sometimes I forget that it offends some when my mouth and wit gets ahead of me..

 Once again.. I really DO apologize for upsetting anyone.

Forgive me??  :-*

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on August 29, 2009, 05:30:06 AM
I was not offend at all with what you said  I was just about falling off my seat laughing at what you posted  :)
I knew what you meant by it  ;D

still say we need to have a new board   called  "The Corner"   for all NSFW  stile posts   
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on August 29, 2009, 09:29:07 AM
Marshal would kill me... cause I'd be locked in there forever...  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 29, 2009, 11:03:18 AM
Marshal would kill me... cause I'd be locked in there forever...  ;D


I'd be there to keep you company.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on August 29, 2009, 11:10:50 AM
Engineering Down Below

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his
dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong
place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is admitted.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort
in hell, and, as is the wont for engineers, starts designing and
building improvements


After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and
escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.


One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks, "So how's it
going down there in hell?"


Satan replies, "Hey things are going great We've got air conditioning,
flushing toilets and working escalators, and there's no telling what
an engineer is going to come up with next."


God replies, "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should
never have gotten down there; send him up here."


Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm
keeping him."


God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."


Satan laughs uproariously and answers,
 

"Yeah right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on August 29, 2009, 12:27:36 PM
I was not offend at all with what you said  I was just about falling off my seat laughing at what you posted  :)
I knew what you meant by it  ;D

still say we need to have a new board   called  "The Corner"   for all NSFW  stile posts  

Yeah then you could share the truly sick stuff LOL
I figure its just payback for giving us such shows as Seinfeld, Friends, Dr Phil and Oprah -  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 29, 2009, 01:39:10 PM
Yeah then you could share the truly sick stuff LOL
I figure its just payback for giving us such shows as Seinfeld, Friends, Dr Phil and Oprah -  ;D


Seinfeld was good for a few laughs, but don't blame US for the rest of that crap, That's all Ca.  You can add American Idol and those dumb "Reality" shows to the list.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on August 29, 2009, 05:31:10 PM
YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH:

Don't tell me your age; you'd probably lie anyway-but the Hershey Man will know!
 

This is pretty neat.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read .
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1.. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1759 ..
If you haven't, add 1758.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number


 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |

The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).


The next two numbers are


 
YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)
 


THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2009) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on August 29, 2009, 08:36:56 PM
Seinfeld was good for a few laughs, but don't blame US for the rest of that crap, That's all Ca.  You can add American Idol and those dumb "Reality" shows to the list.

yes as in very few, sorry will have to agree to disagree, I found him as about as funny as a fart in a elavator.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on August 29, 2009, 08:41:48 PM
yes as in very few, sorry will have to agree to disagree, I found him as about as funny as a fart in a elavator.

Now that's entertainment!!!!!!!!!!!  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on August 30, 2009, 01:32:23 PM
Old Timers Sex
>
>              This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!
>
>              The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you
remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We
went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence
and I made love to you.' 
>               
>              'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'  ! ;
>               
>              'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there
again and we can do it for old time's sake?' 
>               
>              'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but
good idea!' 
>               
>              A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their
conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself,
I've! got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I! 'll
just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble So he follows them. 
>               
>              The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on
each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the
back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts
her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the
fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into! the most
furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten
minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
>               
>              The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned
something about life and old age that he didn't know. 
>               
>              After about half an hour of lying on the ground
recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes
back on.. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this
is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. 
>               
>              So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me,
but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life
together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' 
>
>
>              Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty
years ago that wasn't an electric fence' 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on August 31, 2009, 02:54:56 PM
Once  upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful  daughter, the  PRINCESS.

But  there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would  melt.

No  matter what; metal,wood,stone,

anything  she touched would melt.

Because  of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry  her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his  daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One  wizard told the king,

'If your daughter touches one  thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be  cured.'

The king was overjoyed and came up with a  plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that  could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would; marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG  PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a  sword of the finest steel.



But  alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince  went away sadly.


The  second prince brought diamonds.

He  thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and  would not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched them,  they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.

The  third prince approached. He told the princess,
'Put your  hand in my  pocket and feel what is in there.'

The  princess did as she was told, though she turned  red.


She  felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did  not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the  kingdom was overjoyed.!
And  the third prince married the princess and they both lived  happily ever after.

Question:  What was in the prince's  pants?

 











M&M's  of course.


They  melt in your mouth, not in your  hand.

What  were you thinking??


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 31, 2009, 05:55:03 PM
A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. 

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this, "have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
 
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times and I voted for Obama".
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 31, 2009, 05:59:07 PM
John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock  (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6 am.
While his coffeepot  (MADE IN CHINA ) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG ).
He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA ), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE ), and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA ).
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA ) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO ) to see how much he could spend today.
After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN ) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA ) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY ) filled it with GAS (from Saudi Arabia ) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (made in MALAYSIA ), John decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL ), poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE ) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA ), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA.

AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT (MADE IN KENYA ).
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 31, 2009, 06:13:16 PM
An old trap shooter in a little town south of Montezuma went to see his undertaker to make plans for his funeral before his death. When it came to the pallbearers he named off six. The undertaker was quite surprised at this.

“John,” he says, “these guys were your worst enemies on the trap field. How come them?”

“Yeah, I know” says John, “but I want the world to know that I am a real forgiving Christian and can do things like that.”

The undertaker beams for such a fine man. “And,” he says, “this 500 pounds of shot that you want in your casket is in memory of a lifetime of shooting?”

“God no!” says John. “I want to give them all hernias!” "
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on September 01, 2009, 05:17:01 PM
*A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls
> and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking
> at him and his bulging pockets. *
>
>
>
> *Finally, after many such glances from her, he said: "Its golf balls." *
>
>
>
> *Nevertheless, the blond continued to look at him for a very long time,
> deeply thinking about what he had said. *
>
> *After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any
> longer, she asked: 'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?** * ;) ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on September 02, 2009, 12:18:00 PM

 A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking of
whisky and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted"
sign from the window and handed it to the bartender. I'd like to apply for
the job," he said. "I was a  Marine F- 4 Phantom pilot and a Colonel in the
Arizona Air Guard but when they retired the Phantom they cashiered me as
well. So I learned to play the piano on the GI Bill."
 

         The barkeep wasn't too sure about this rather doubtful looking old
guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business
was falling off. So, the barkeep decided to give him a try and said, "OK
give me a sample of your playing." The Colonel staggered his way over to the
piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar
of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound
and music, unlike anyone had heard in the bar before. When he finished there
wasn't a dry eye in the place. The bartender took the old fighter pilot a
beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played. It's called
"Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You!" said the
Colonel, after he took a long pull from the beer. "And I wrote it myself,"
he said. The bartender and  the crowd winced at the title, but the piano
player then went on with a knee-slapping, hand-clapping   bit of ragtime
that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot
acknowledged the applause and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs
Make My Afterburner Light." He then excused himself as he stumbled and
lurched to the john. When he came out the bartender went over to him and
said, "Look Colonel, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and
your pecker is hanging out?"

          "Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on September 03, 2009, 08:56:53 AM
A 60 year old man goes into hospital for a physical.
All the tests come back normal and the Doc says "Bert, everything is fine,how are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Bert replies"God and I are tight.He knows I've got poor eyesight,so He's fixed it so that when I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night "POOF" the light comes on automatically and when I'm done "POOF" the light goes off automatically."
"Wow,thats incredible" says the Doc.
A little later in the day the Doc calls Bert's wife.
"Joan,' he says,"Bert is doing fine, but I'm in awe of his relationship with God and I just had to call you.Is it true that when he gets up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night "POOF" the light automatically comes on and when he's finished "POOF",the light ACTUALLY goes OFF?"
"OH MY GAWD!Joan exclaims,"He's pissing in the fridge again."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on September 03, 2009, 11:35:33 AM
Chinese Wedding Night



A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.


On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.


He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting  you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.


A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.


She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls.... Numbaa 69.'


More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...










Wait for it....











'You want...Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?'



 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on September 03, 2009, 12:01:47 PM
LMAO......THAT'S F'n FUNNY HAZ. Geeezus
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on September 03, 2009, 12:23:21 PM
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.   
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"   
"Eight," the boy replied.   
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"   
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me.  They're for him.  He's my brother.  He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.  Right now, he can't do either."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on September 03, 2009, 12:31:51 PM
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.  
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"  
"Eight," the boy replied.  
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"  
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me.  They're for him.  He's my brother.  He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.  Right now, he can't do either."

(http://www.smileyx.com/smilies/Y7IEYY000009b.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on September 03, 2009, 04:48:36 PM
JUST IN ...
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Democrats,  realizing the success of the President's "Cash For Clunkers"
> rebate  program, have revamped a major portion of their National Health
> Care
> Plan.
>
>
>
> President Obama,  Speaker Pelosi, and Sen. Reed,  are expected to make
> this
> major  announcement at a joint news conference later this week. I have
> obtained
> an advanced copy  of the proposal which is named....
>
>
>
> "CASH FOR  CODGERS": and it works like this...
>
> Couples wishing  to access health care funds in order to pay for the
> delivery of a child  will be required to turn in one old person.  The
> amount the
> government
> grants them will  be fixed according to a sliding scale. Older and more
> prescription  dependent codgers will garner the highest amounts. Special
> "Bonuses" will
> be paid for  those submitting codgers in targeted groups, such as smokers,
> alcohol  drinkers, persons 10 pounds over  their government prescribed
> weight,  and
> any member of  the Republican Party. Smaller bonuses will be given for
> codgers who  consume beef, soda, fried foods, potato chips, lattes, whole
> milk,
> dairy
> products, bacon,  Brussel sprouts, or Girl Scout Cookies. All codgers will
> be rendered  totally useless via toxic injection. This will insure that
> they
> are not  secretly
> resold or their  body parts harvested to keep other codgers in repair.
> I'm going to  hide as I'm definitely in the "CODGERS"  category.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on September 03, 2009, 06:04:28 PM
Bill, just go out on the Arctic Ice pack, that's where their going to put the rest of your High School class.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on September 05, 2009, 03:53:17 PM
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.



This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about

men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on September 05, 2009, 04:15:25 PM
Four Worms and a lessonto be learned





A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.


Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.



At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol -Dead.


The s econd worm in cigarette smoke -Dead


Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead



Fourth worm in good clean soil -Alive.




So the Minister asked the congregation -

What didyou learn from this demonstration?




Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,


'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service.

I know it's an old joke. I first heard it about 50 years ago. But I think Maxine was right on. I don't smoke but I still don't have worms!!! ;D ;)
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on September 06, 2009, 11:41:11 AM
The  One  (1) Question Test.

This test only has one  question, but  it's a very important one. By giving
an honest  answer, you will  discover where you stand  morally.

The test features an  unlikely, completely  fictional situation in which
you will have to  make a  decision.


Remember that your answer  needs  to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down  slowly and give due consideration to each  line..

THE  SITUATION:

You are in  Florida, Miami to be specific.  There is chaos all around you 
caused by a hurricane with severe  flooding. This is a flood of  biblical
proportions.
You are a  photojournalist working for a  major newspaper, and you're
caught in  the middle of this epic  disaster. The situation is nearly  hopeless.

You're  trying to shoot career-making photos.  There are houses and  people
swirling around you, some disappearing  under the water.  Nature is
unleashing all of its destructive  fury.

===============================================

THE  TEST:

Suddenly you see a man and a woman in the  water.  They are fighting for
their lives, trying not to be taken  down with  the debris. You move closer.
Somehow they look  familiar. You  suddenly realize who they are.

It's  Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi!! At the  same time you notice that 
the raging waters are about to take them  under forever. You have  two options:

You can save their  lives or you can  shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize
winning photo,  documenting the  deaths of two of the world's most powerful 
people.

===============================================



THE  QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an  honest answer...

Would you select high contrast  color  film, or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black  and  white?

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on September 06, 2009, 11:52:37 AM
Two Crocs Talking

 
 
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it..'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the  lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.'

'Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door.  Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not Getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.'

   
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on September 06, 2009, 11:55:38 AM
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler.

 One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"


The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the check-out counter."

"I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.


"We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, "The curlers are on the house."
  ;D

 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: 1911 Junkie on September 07, 2009, 03:55:42 PM
A Zebra dies and arrives at thePearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, 'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'

St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.'

So the zebra went off in search of God.

When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'

God simply replied 'You are what you are.'

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?'

The zebra looked puzzled. 'No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are...''

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes.'

The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?'

'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on September 07, 2009, 04:00:39 PM
Irish Boy's Confession  

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, Dicky?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Dicky, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Brown?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Margaret Doyle?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Anne O' Neil?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Catherine O' Tool, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped Dicky, and I admire that But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Dicky walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'4 Months holiday and five good leads'.
 
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on September 07, 2009, 07:46:06 PM
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."


The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on September 07, 2009, 09:52:12 PM
 I did not know this!!!!!
 
 
 
 


Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?
                                   
Wonder no more!!!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in  the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

 



                         "freeze a jolly good fellow."


                       
 " Then they kick him in the ice hole."


Hey . I don't make them up.

I just send them on !!! 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on September 08, 2009, 04:43:20 PM
David McClure from the Dallas News Community Opinion page.

$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK ! I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet, a mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Emo! Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me? I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile. Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler? "Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror ! Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard. Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found !

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"but all I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits. Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake !" I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized. She offered these kind words: "It's OK ! My grandfather does stuff like this all the time!"

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.... And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast !

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home !
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on September 08, 2009, 05:01:58 PM
Our three-year-old grandson, Daniel, stayed with us while his parents went on a weekend trip. As usual, we bowed our heads as my wife prayed out loud before all our meals. Daniel watched curiously each time his grandma prayed.

On the day his parents came to pick him up, we all sat down at the table to have lunch. Just as his daddy started to pick up his sandwich, Daniel shouted, "Wait, Daddy, we can't eat 'til Grandma reads her plate!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on September 09, 2009, 12:34:02 AM
Teddy Kennedy has been sober for 6 days as of today.

Presuming, of course, that embalming fluid is not alcohol-based.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dakotaranger on September 09, 2009, 01:47:26 AM
Teddy Kennedy has been sober for 6 days as of today.

Presuming, of course, that embalming fluid is not alcohol-based.

ROFL, getting up now, ROFL
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on September 09, 2009, 05:05:40 PM
Teddy Kennedy has been sober for 6 days as of today.

Presuming, of course, that embalming fluid is not alcohol-based.



You'll have to ask m58!!   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on September 09, 2009, 07:48:54 PM
Teddy Kennedy has been sober for 6 days as of today.

Presuming, of course, that embalming fluid is not alcohol-based.


Hate to burst your bubble, but it is very high in methanol.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on September 09, 2009, 07:50:47 PM
Hate to burst your bubble, but it is very high in methanol.

True but at least he ain't enjoying the buzz!

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: david86440 on September 10, 2009, 12:45:50 AM
It's really frightening to think that I can relate to that guy at Taco Bueno   :'(
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on September 11, 2009, 02:05:28 PM
A modern day Cowboy has spent many days crossing the west Texas plains without water.
 
 His horse has already died of thirst. 

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last  breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the  sand several yards ahead of him.
 
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what  looks to be an old briefcase.
 
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
 
She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge  and a dull gray dress.
 
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked  behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie..You know how I  work....You have three wishes.'
 
'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust  a FEMA genie.'
 
'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks  like you're a goner anyway!'
 
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.
 
'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'
 
***POOF***
 
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
 
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'
 
'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'
 
** *POOF***
 
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
 
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'
 
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no  matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'
 
***POOF***
 
He was instantly turned into a tampon.
 
Moral of the story:
 
If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string  attached.
 
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on September 11, 2009, 05:55:39 PM
I was on my way to deposit some of  my money at Lowe's Home Improvement this morning to do my part to stimulate the economy and I found myself  behind this little car bearing a bumper sticker that read:
                             "We did it! - Obama / Biden'

Well, as luck would have it she pulled along side of me at a red light about a half mile down the road. I beeped my horn and gave her a big thumbs up. She rolled down her window and I said, "I love your bumper sticker!"


She thanked me and I quickly added, "It's good that you are taking responsibility for your mistake!"


She gave me the finger and drove off -- Humorless Bitch.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on September 11, 2009, 06:06:29 PM
 M'ette, Every time you meet some one who looks like they just bit a turd, or they hate the whole world, ask if they are Dem, or Republican.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MinotBob on September 11, 2009, 06:47:23 PM
CURTAIN RODS----PRICELESS
   
   She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
   suitcases.
   
   On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
   
   On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
   dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music,
   and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of
   spring-water.
   
   When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a
   few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the
   curtain rods.
   
   She then cleaned up the kitchen and left... When the husband returned
   with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
   Then slowly, the house began to smell..
   They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
   
   Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.
   
   Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to
   set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days
   and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
   Nothing worked!!!
   
   People stopped coming over to visit.
   Repairmen refused to work in the house.
   The maid quit.
   
   Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
   A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could
   not find a buyer for their stinky house.
   Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
   their calls.
   
   Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
   purchase a new place.
   
   The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.
   
   He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and
   said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to
   reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house
   
   Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a
   price that was about 1/10 th of what the house had been worth, but only
   if she were to sign the papers that very day.
   
   She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
   
   A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched
   the moving company pack everything to take to their new home........
   
   And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods
   
   I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on September 11, 2009, 08:52:51 PM
How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages

English  I Love You

Spanish  Te Amo

French  Je T'aime

German  lch Liebe Dich

Japanese  Ai Shite Imasu

Thai  Phom rak khun

Italian  Ti amo

Chinese  Wo Ai Ni

Swedish  Jag Alskar

Alabama, Arkansas ,  Kansas , Oklahoma ,  Texas , North Carolina ,  South Carolina . Georgia, Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky.....
Nice Ass , Get in the truck
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 12, 2009, 02:16:57 PM
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.
Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme. 
 
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. 
 
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.
Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost. 
 
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Nick. 

 
The moral of the story............ 

 
Pay your bills.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 12, 2009, 02:19:29 PM
The Family tree of Vincent Van Gogh:

His dizzy aunt ---------------------------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
     
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------------------ Gotta Gogh
     
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------------ Stop N Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia ------------------------------------- Hugh Gogh

His magician uncle ----------------------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin ------------------------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother -----------------------Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach ------------------------ Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle -------------------------------------------------- Can't Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------------------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle ---------------------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh

The fruit-loving cousin --------------------------------------------------- Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking -------------------------- Way-to-Gogh

The little bouncy nephew ---------------------------------------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------------------- Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in an RV -------- Winnie Bay Gogh
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 12, 2009, 04:02:20 PM
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. 
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replied, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,' then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so  strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
 
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'



MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steyr M40A1 on September 12, 2009, 11:16:00 PM
(http://www.smileyx.com/smilies/2erOBh1.gif)

I am loving the last two!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on September 14, 2009, 08:19:28 PM
What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?


A crazy bitch who will find you
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: brosometal on September 14, 2009, 09:08:43 PM
What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?


A crazy bitch who will find you

I don't know whether to laugh or look over my shoulder...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on September 14, 2009, 10:28:16 PM
 This guy is amazing!  Below is his story!
 


 
 

Dr.. Timothy McCarthy while receiving a medical award for creativity reported his findings to the Fellows of Plastic Surgery concluding with this case study:
 

"Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's Speaker of the House."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on September 15, 2009, 10:06:30 AM
(http://media.patriotpost.us/img/edition/2009/37h-piggie.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on September 15, 2009, 10:27:31 AM
DAMN!  I think I have a twin!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Walter45Auto on September 15, 2009, 01:03:19 PM
What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?


A crazy bitch who will find you

Speaking from experience are you??? ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on September 15, 2009, 05:53:00 PM
Add ESP to the PMS and GPS and she's a B,,,H that knows everything and can find you!

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on September 15, 2009, 06:34:21 PM
Add ESP to the PMS and GPS and she's a B,,,H that knows everything and can find you!

Richard

Isn't that redundant?

Hey, I'm just saying . . . .   8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on September 15, 2009, 11:30:29 PM
Isn't that redundant?

Hey, I'm just saying . . . .   8)

Watch it Path!  M'ette said she has been out of touch lately and a little busy now.  She didn't say she wasn't around or not coming back  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on September 16, 2009, 06:48:20 AM
No Path, without ESP she just thinks she knows everything!!!!!!!

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on September 16, 2009, 07:54:21 AM
No Path, without ESP she just thinks she knows everything!!!!!!!

Richard

And the difference is . . . . ?  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 16, 2009, 11:55:45 AM
There's a positive side to Cash for Clunkers............

It's taken seven hundred thousand (700,000) Obama bumper stickers off the road!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 16, 2009, 11:59:55 AM
The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing....

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently, you have to go there....

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,...... just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on September 16, 2009, 05:14:35 PM
No Path, without ESP she just thinks she knows everything!!!!!!!

Richard


I knew I had married "Miss Right", I was just unaware that her first name was "Always".
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: True_Texan on September 17, 2009, 10:28:43 AM
Visit To The Welfare Office
 

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.
 
'WOW!' the social worker exclaims. 'Are they all yours?''

'Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Leroy' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'

'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named 'Leroy' and the girls are all named 'Leighroy''

In disbelief, the case worker. 'Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?'

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an they all comes a runnin.

An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'Well, then I calls them by their last names '
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on September 17, 2009, 11:08:02 AM
Watch it Path!  M'ette said she has been out of touch lately and a little busy now.  She didn't say she wasn't around or not coming back  ;)

Don't underestimate when I'm here and why.....................in fact.. don't ever underestimate me in any area..  ;)



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: mudman on September 17, 2009, 11:33:52 AM
And stay out of  RANGE.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on September 17, 2009, 05:27:21 PM

Don't underestimate when I'm here and why.....................in fact.. don't ever underestimate me in any area..  ;)






Lest she should call you when you're in the middle of a meeting.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steyr M40A1 on September 18, 2009, 10:11:42 PM
Hell hath no furry like a woman's scorn.

My Momma always used DIPLOMACY

Diplomacy: The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way they look forward to the trip. 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on September 19, 2009, 07:29:36 AM
Hell hath no furry like a woman's scorn.

My Momma always used DIPLOMACY

Diplomacy: The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way they look forward to the trip. 

That's the military definition of 'tact'.  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MinotBob on September 19, 2009, 06:46:53 PM
Why wedding dresses are white....

IT MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY BRAVE MAN WHO WROTE THIS!

IT'S AN EVEN BRAVER ONE WHO FORWARDS IT

Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:
"Son, all household appliances come in white.'"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jackel on September 19, 2009, 08:50:24 PM
so a teacher is trying to ease into the subject of sex with her grade students. she asks if anyone had seen anything about sex.

one girl raised her hand and said she saw a movie about a woman having a baby. "good, that has lots to do with sex."

another girl raised her hand and said she saw a TV show about people getting married. "well done, thats had to do with sex also."

a boy raised his hand and said he once saw a film where a hundred savage Indians come riding over a hill and John Wayne kills half of them. "that really doesn't have anything to do with sex billy." said the teacher. "yes it dose." said the boy "it taught those Indians not to f..k with John Wayne."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on September 19, 2009, 08:59:57 PM
 What color was the Ground at Custer's last Stand ?

White, cuz those damn Indians just kept coming and coming.

I'll be in the corner if any one is looking for me, hope  FQ didn't drink all the beer.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: david86440 on September 19, 2009, 09:40:41 PM
What color was the Ground at Custer's last Stand ?

White, cuz those damn Indians just kept coming and coming.

I'll be in the corner if any one is looking for me, hope  FQ didn't drink all the beer.  ;D

How cum?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: 1911 Junkie on September 19, 2009, 09:52:16 PM
The curator of a Western art museum commissioned a local artist to paint a mural-sized painting of Custer's Last Thought. The artist was told to make it highly symbolic of Custer's mindset during the debacle at the Little Big Horn.

Deep in thought, the artist went to his studio. After many false starts, he proceeded to paint an enormous oil painting. Finally, after many months of work, the painting was unveiled for the curator.

In the foreground there was a beautiful blue lake with a single fish leaping out of the water. Around the fish's head was a halo. In the background, the hills and meadows were covered with naked Native American couples having sex.

The curator, both disgusted and baffled by what he saw, turned in rage and asked the artist, 'What the hell has this got to do with Custer's Last Thought?'

The artist replied, 'Custer's last thought: Holy Mackerel! Where did all these f%#king Indians come from?'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 20, 2009, 04:14:37 PM
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best Friends.
None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sanjuancb on September 20, 2009, 05:48:55 PM
so a teacher is trying to ease into the subject of sex with her grade students. she asks if anyone had seen anything about sex.

one girl raised her hand and said she saw a movie about a woman having a baby. "good, that has lots to do with sex."

another girl raised her hand and said she saw a TV show about people getting married. "well done, thats had to do with sex also."

a boy raised his hand and said he once saw a film where a hundred savage Indians come riding over a hill and John Wayne kills half of them. "that really doesn't have anything to do with sex billy." said the teacher. "yes it dose." said the boy "it taught those Indians not to f..k with John Wayne."

I love this! Bwahahahaha...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on September 22, 2009, 09:34:19 AM
The woman applying for a job in a
Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
The foreman frowned and said,
"I have to ask you this:
"Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!" she replied.
"I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Plymouths, and I voted for Obama.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on September 25, 2009, 04:01:10 AM
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late…

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John...

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school..."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John.. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"



The robot then walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on September 25, 2009, 01:57:11 PM
>>> Subject: Is this wrong of just effin funnie?
>>
>> Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
>>
>> The Pope leans towards Mrs.Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one
>> little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild
>> with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your
>> followers,  but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their
>> lives whenever they  speak of this day they will rejoice!"
>>
>> Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that; with one little wave of your
>> hand? Show me."
>>
>> So the Pope slapped her.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on September 25, 2009, 03:29:59 PM
>>> Subject: Is this wrong of just effin funnie?
>>
>> Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
>>
>> The Pope leans towards Mrs.Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one
>> little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild
>> with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your
>> followers,  but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their
>> lives whenever they  speak of this day they will rejoice!"
>>
>> Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that; with one little wave of your
>> hand? Show me."
>>
>> So the Pope slapped her.

I can't even say "You're goin' to hell for that one"   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on September 26, 2009, 03:05:56 PM


        God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day..

         He inquired, "Where have you been?"

         God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

         Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

         "It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it.. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

         "Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

         God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.
        Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."


God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be
extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's the Commonwealth of Virginia , the most glorious place on earth. here are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, beaches, and plains. The people from the Commonwealth of Virginia are going to be handsome,
 modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance..."

 God smiled, "Right next to Virginia is Washington DC . Wait till you see the idiots I put there."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on September 29, 2009, 12:06:28 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vs5wv1KZdnk&feature=popt17us15

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4y3UjLGpm0&feature=related
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on September 29, 2009, 07:20:49 PM
Bert's New Cowboy Boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas . Bert had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over. "Nope" she said.
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!"
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope", she replied. "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!"
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. You shoulda bought a hat."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on September 29, 2009, 07:38:43 PM
OK...  I pass out before I get this drunk!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3yeLoRFYFDk&NR=1

THANK GOD!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on September 29, 2009, 08:24:30 PM
A notable gynecologist once said,

"The  best engine in the world is the vagina.
It can be started with one finger.
It is self-lubricating.
It takes any size piston.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.
It is only a pity that the management system is so f....k temperamental."

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: david86440 on September 29, 2009, 08:37:54 PM
Bert's New Cowboy Boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas . Bert had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over. "Nope" she said.
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!"
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope", she replied. "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!"
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. You shoulda bought a hat."




Now that is funny!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 29, 2009, 11:54:41 PM
True story....but it fits this thread:

My kid comes home from school today and says he needs a 'short' joke for a class speech project.
I ask "How short?"
He says "As short as possible".
I say, "Obama".

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on September 30, 2009, 07:22:20 PM
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.  'Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,' she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.'

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.  When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, 'Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it.

Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.'

NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY? -Scroll  down------------------------------

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!
 ;D ;)

I know, I know, I am on my way to the corner. Is there any beer left? ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on October 01, 2009, 07:54:06 AM
(http://i703.photobucket.com/albums/ww40/BigCheeseStick/McDonnalds.jpg?t=1254402680)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on October 01, 2009, 05:56:26 PM
(http://thechive.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/turkey-prom-dress-2.jpg)

(http://thechive.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/turkey-prom-dress-3.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on October 01, 2009, 05:59:11 PM
"Deliverance" bloopers reel:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqjtz3rEPG0&feature=related
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on October 02, 2009, 08:25:15 AM


I was on my way to deposit some of  my money at Lowe's Home Improvement this morning to do my part to stimulate the economy and I found myself  behind this little car bearing a bumper sticker that read:

                             "We did it! - Obama / Biden'

Well, as luck would have it she pulled along side of me at a red light about a half mile down the road. I beeped my horn and gave her a big thumbs up. She rolled down her window and I said, "I love your bumper sticker!"

 

She thanked me and I quickly added, "It's good that you are taking responsibility for your mistake!"

She gave me the finger and drove off -- Humorless Bitch.

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on October 02, 2009, 11:49:44 AM
NO SEX SINCE 1955


A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
 
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
 
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
 
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
 
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
 
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.  Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, But when is the last time you had sex?"
 
"1955, ma'am."
 
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!"  She took his hand and led him to a private room Where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.
 
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest And said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
 
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ratcatcher55 on October 02, 2009, 02:07:42 PM
Wow, he's good!



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hC-9SCmBOHc&feature=player_embedded#
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: shooter32 on October 02, 2009, 02:12:45 PM
Wow, he's good!



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hC-9SCmBOHc&feature=player_embedded#


 I had that dream once. ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on October 02, 2009, 02:21:33 PM
I have ....Uh.... well, it's a long story.  (http://www.smileyx.com/smilies/ashamed0005.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on October 02, 2009, 03:17:01 PM

 I had that dream once. ;D


Me, too.  But HE wasn't in it.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on October 03, 2009, 02:00:49 PM
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.   He sits in the back of the  room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.   When he finishes them, he  comes back to the bar and orders three more.

 

The bartender  approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.   It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

 

The cowboy  replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.   One is in Arizona , the other  is in Colorado.   When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.   So I'm  drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

 

The  bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

 

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.   He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

 

One day, he comes  in and only orders two mugs.   All the regulars take notice and fall silent.    When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I  don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on  your loss."

 

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a  light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

 

"Oh, no, everybody's just  fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

 

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on October 04, 2009, 04:58:07 PM
http://www.maniacworld.com/farting-in-a-phone-booth.html
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on October 04, 2009, 05:14:42 PM
http://www.maniacworld.com/farting-in-a-phone-booth.html

That's just wrong.........funny though. That will get her off the phone.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: seeker_two on October 04, 2009, 08:06:58 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hC-9SCmBOHc&feature=player_embedded#

Wow....tough day....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on October 05, 2009, 08:15:50 AM
Making a baby. This is hilarious!

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' 

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' 

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.' 

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?' 

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!' 

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.' 

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.' 

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. 

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.' 

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs Smith fainted
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 05, 2009, 11:19:26 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3ZCvdjyvzI
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: laemperatriz on October 08, 2009, 01:30:40 PM
     A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.  'The material
 we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting
 here, years ago. Red meat is awful.  Soft drinks corrode your stomach
 lining.  Chinese food is loaded with MSG.  High fat diets can be
 disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
 germs in our drinking water.  However, there is one thing that is the
 most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone
here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering
 for years after eating it?'  After several seconds of quiet, a
 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
 'Wedding Cake.'

 ************************************************************************
     Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the
 Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old
 blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful
 sex appeal and charm, and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently
 to his every word.  His buddies at the club are all aghast.  At the very
 first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy
 girlfriend?'  Bob replies, 'Girlfriend?  She's my wife!'  They are
 knocked over, but continue to ask.  'So, how'd you persuade her to marry
 you?'  'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her--you
 were only 50?'  Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

 ************************************************************************


      Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland.  As
 they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the
 process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.  She
 showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they
 no longer produce.'  She then asked, 'What do you do in America with
 your old goats?'  A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus
 tours!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on October 08, 2009, 05:26:01 PM
Good ones!  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 10, 2009, 08:49:52 PM
Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.

If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"

"I regret I cannot," lamented the first Arab. "It is  permanently stuck in my butt."

"I do not  understand," said the other.

The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American Flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out.
"He then said, 'I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.'..........I said, 'No sh*t?'"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on October 12, 2009, 01:32:11 AM
Three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were when they left the pub the night before.

1st guy: Man, I was so drunk that last night I got home and before I knew it, I was blowing chunks.

2nd guy: Oh yeah? Well, I was so drunk that on the way home I fell over the hedge and woke up in the garden.

3rd guy: That's nothing. I was so drunk that once I got home, I walked face first into the hallway mirror and broke the bloody thing!

1st guy: No, no, hang on guys, you don't understand! Chunks is the name of my dog.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 12, 2009, 12:10:42 PM
Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is


It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin

People to git cancer ?"


"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.


"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer


makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all Them burgers


an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"


"Sure is, Bubba."


"And that lady sued Mc Don alds for millions when she Was burnt from that hot coffee that she ordered?"


"Yep."


"And that football player sued that university when he


Gradiated and still couldn't read?"


"That's right," said the lawyer."
"But why are you asking?"


"Well, I was thinkin...


What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all


them ugly women I slept with?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on October 12, 2009, 09:17:32 PM

 
The Immigration Fairy
 


 

A Pleasant Little Tale.

Ahmed Ranjit Oluwalu lands at Brisbane on a jumbo jet from foreign lands and talks his way past the immigration officer with a sorry, contrived tale of woe, misery and persecution.

He's sitting in the hall wondering how he's going to get by when he feels a light tug at the leg of his pyjamas and
looks down to see a tiny man with large ears and a pointy hat.

"Who are you?" says Ahmed.

The little man replies "I'm the immigration fairy".

 

"As the one thousandth sorry case to blag his way into Australia today, I can grant you three wishes."

 

Ahmed can't believe his luck but ponders on his choices for a moment and says "OK",

 

"First of all I'd like to be wealthy beyond anything I could have made back in my homeland."

The fairy claps his hands and says "It is done"

 

Ahmed finds he has a state CentrelinkWelfare book in his hands. Ahmed goes on to say "Thank you kind fairy",

 

"Now I'd like to live for free in a wonderful home grander than anything I could have built out of mud back home"

The fairy claps his hands and says "It is done." 

 

Ahmed finds he's holding the keys to a five bed roomed Housing Commision house in Ipswich.

Ahmed can't believe his luck but thinks his next choice will be the clincher to beat his wildest fantasies.

"Fairy," he says "I want to fit in and be treated like I've lived here all my life".

 

"Make me an Australian."

 

The fairy claps his hands and says "It is done"

 

Ahmed finds he's white skinned, blonde haired and dressed in Billobong shorts and Thongs.

 

But the house keys and his Centrelink benefits book have disappeared.

Dismayed he asks the fairy "What happened to my other wonderful gifts?"

The fairy replies "Well, mate".

 

"If you want to live like a white man in Australia."

 

 

Then you're entitled to

Bugger - All."

 
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on October 13, 2009, 12:07:21 AM
MORNING SEX

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the tee-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all ... Right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her tee-shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on October 14, 2009, 08:23:19 AM
A big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.
But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear."
Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a ..308 rifle."
He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.
He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag
rifle".
He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time
against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put
your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly
announced,
"Skunk, killed with an axe."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 14, 2009, 11:22:57 AM
Now that's funny right there, mate.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 14, 2009, 11:32:52 AM
A big, burly man walks into a bar in south Louisiana with a 4' alligator under one arm and a stick under the other.

He orders a bottle of whiskey and proceeds to drink half of it in a short series of gulps and then he slams the bottle down on the bar.

He walks over to a table and sets the alligator down on top of it, unzips his pants and puts his 'man-parts' in the alligator's mouth.

He then starts hitting the alligator on top of the head with the stick.

After a few minutes, he removes his privates from the gator's mouth, steps back with his hands on his hips and says, "Any body else in here think they're man enough to do that?"

Then a diminutive little fellow in the back of the bar comes forward with his hand in the air and says, "I will...if you promise not to hit me on the head with that stick."

 :o  :o  :o  :o


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on October 14, 2009, 07:28:17 PM
(http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e330/m58/GirlScout.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 14, 2009, 09:35:02 PM
 M58, That is just , wrong.
LMAO  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 14, 2009, 10:20:10 PM
M58, That is just , wrong.
LMAO  ;D

Yeah, that kinda gave me the creeps........

Of course, one can laugh while having the creeps, can't one?    ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Walter45Auto on October 15, 2009, 12:13:56 PM
I know a certain someone who threatened to burn down our church when he was 4 years old because the Sunday school teacher got on to him for something. The boy don't behave much better at age 25......
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on October 19, 2009, 05:32:32 AM
There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do.'


The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'
Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. So THAT'S the girl I want!'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door..

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught.

When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk,have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease.........and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 19, 2009, 12:44:16 PM
DIVORCE  VS.  MURDER
|
| A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some Cyanide."
|
| The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
|
| The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

| The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.  That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!  All kinds of bad thngs will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

| The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

| The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different.  You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on October 19, 2009, 03:32:37 PM
http://www.youtube.com/user/livfilms#p/u/9/kFY0gb6wXrw

One for Haz in particular...  And several more for everybody else.   ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on October 19, 2009, 06:51:01 PM
http://www.youtube.com/user/livfilms#p/u/9/kFY0gb6wXrw

One for Haz in particular...  And several more for everybody else.   ;D ;D ;D

Now I know why all the reports from others that have visited Haz only talk about the alcohol induced fog, and none complain about the BO  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on October 19, 2009, 07:06:53 PM
I like showers!  ;)



;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on October 19, 2009, 07:24:55 PM
I'd like that shower better if took off the stupid wig.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on October 21, 2009, 07:26:18 PM
The New Procedure

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.' Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 21, 2009, 09:14:22 PM
 We should quit comparing Obama to Hitler it is not accurate.
Hitler GOT the Olympics for Berlin.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on October 21, 2009, 09:18:11 PM
We should quit comparing Obama to Hitler it is not accurate.
Hitler GOT the Olympics for Berlin.

Too true, and sad, to be on this thread  >:(
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on October 22, 2009, 09:15:20 AM
(http://i414.photobucket.com/albums/pp225/tt11758/PeacePrize.jpg)
Title: CourtRooms
Post by: jaybet on October 22, 2009, 11:54:36 AM
These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

  ____________________________________________

  ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    ___________________________________________

  ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
   _________________________ ___________

  ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
   ___________________________________________

  ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
    _________________________________________

  ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid
   ____________________________________________

  ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
   ____________________________________________

  ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.
   ____________________________________________

  ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
   _____________________________________

  ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
   ______________________________________

  ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
   _________________________________________

  ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.
    _________________________________________
     ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
      WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
     ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
      WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
     ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
      WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
      ______________________________________

    And the best for last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
      WITNESS: No.
     ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
      WITNESS: No.
      ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
      WITNESS: No.
     ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
      WITNESS: No.
     ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
      WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
     ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
      WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

THINK ABOUT IT!  MOST MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE LAWYERS.

OH GOD, PLEASE HELP US ALL !
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on October 22, 2009, 12:29:30 PM
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.

Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."

So here I am.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Walter45Auto on October 22, 2009, 01:04:47 PM
(http://i414.photobucket.com/albums/pp225/tt11758/PeacePrize.jpg)

That's not funny. It's sickening.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on October 22, 2009, 01:35:23 PM
That's not funny. It's sickening true.


Corrected for accuracy.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on October 22, 2009, 01:58:55 PM
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.

Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."

So here I am.

Wasn't that the Sean Penn / Madonna divorce?   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on October 22, 2009, 03:02:19 PM
Wasn't that the Sean Penn / Madonna divorce?   ;D

DILLIGAF? ? ? ? ?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on October 23, 2009, 05:07:24 AM
DILLIGAF? ? ? ? ?



ROTFLMAO      ;D ;D ;D 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on October 23, 2009, 05:08:43 AM
An Indian, an Arab, and a hot gorgeous Aussie blonde girl are in the same bar.

When the Indian finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In India , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to
drink with the same one twice either.'

The blonde girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, Downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Indian and the Arab.
Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In Australia we have so many illegal immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'


' God Bless  Australia ‘
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: 1911 Junkie on October 23, 2009, 10:06:51 PM
Testicle disorder  

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.  

During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

 "Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained,

"I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh!,  Well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman..

As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD!  How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on October 23, 2009, 10:37:13 PM
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.

Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."

So here I am.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: 1911 Junkie on October 23, 2009, 10:44:08 PM
Busted, m58.

You know where you heard that joke?

From Haz yesterday at 01:29 pm.



 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 23, 2009, 11:57:05 PM
 This makes about the third time it's been posted in the last month or so  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 24, 2009, 12:05:34 AM
Busted, m58.

You know where you heard that joke?

From Haz yesterday at 01:29 pm.

 ;D

This makes about the third time it's been posted in the last month or so  ;D

Formaldehyde fumes.    ;)   ;D  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on October 24, 2009, 06:58:32 AM
Sorry ... I haven't read my Haz e-mails this week.  I got it from someone else  :-[
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 24, 2009, 10:41:47 AM
Sorry ... I haven't read my Haz e-mails this week.  I got it from someone else  :-[

It wasn't an E mail, it was the previous page  ;D

It's HELL getting old  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on October 24, 2009, 10:42:47 AM
It wasn't an E mail, it was the previous page  ;D

It's HELL getting old  ;D

And I stole it from Boortz.   ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on October 24, 2009, 02:17:35 PM
LEGAL QUESTION.....

(http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x286/red364/file002.jpg)



Is this stautory rape?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on October 24, 2009, 02:28:05 PM
Hey red........that's 2 good ones in a row. LMAO!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on October 24, 2009, 05:35:58 PM
LEGAL QUESTION.....

(http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x286/red364/file002.jpg)



Is this stautory rape?

No that's statuary rape.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on October 24, 2009, 06:05:38 PM
The little boy (who had been looking out the window of the airplane) Turned to his mother and asked , 'If big dogs have baby dogs, and big Cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes? ' The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the Flight attendant, so the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight Attendant. The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, 'I Saw you talking with your mom - Did your Mom tell you to ask me?' The boy said, 'Yes she did. ' Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby Airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: david86440 on October 24, 2009, 06:06:51 PM
The moose reminds me of this one..............
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on October 24, 2009, 06:15:14 PM
Better than a Flu
Shot! 
 Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married. She was
Admired for her sweetness
And kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
Came to call on her and she showed him
Into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while
She prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old   Hammond 
Organ,
The young minister
Noticed a  cute glass
Bowl Sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled
With water, and in the
Water
Floated, of all things, a
Condom!
When she returned
With tea and
Scones,
They began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his
Curiosity
About the bowl of water and its
Strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer
Resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about
This?'


                  Pointing to the bowl.


'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it
Wonderful?
I was walking through
The Park a few months ago
And I found this little package on the
Ground.
The directions said
To place it on the organ,
Keep it wet and that it would prevent
The spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on October 25, 2009, 08:35:04 AM
(http://rds.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0WTefWwU.RK3fQA1m2jzbkF/SIG=1237rdj6n/EXP=1256564016/**http%3A//www.dbl-tap.com/images/tigger-poodle.jpg)

Does this guy not know an AR target when he see's one?!?

Find that pistol laying on a street in Harlem?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 25, 2009, 01:46:12 PM
No that's statuary rape.


And what's the statute of limitations?   ::)  ::)  ::)   ;D



I know, GROAN.   ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on October 25, 2009, 05:50:21 PM
So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed
off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he
were brown like the other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators
for one thing.

Anyway... this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. He begs her,
"Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads. I am tired
of being so visible to predators and such.

The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says, "Abracapokus!
You're brown!"

The toad looks down and sees that he is brown except for his package,
which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother, "Wait a minute! My
pecker's still yellow!"

To this the fairy godmother replies, "I don't do willies. You will have
to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."

The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck
would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores
her, "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of
the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot
me from a mile off."

She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says,
"Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception
of the ol' twig and berries. They remain purple. He says: "My wang is
still purple!"

She says,"I don't do units, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for
that."

To this the bear replies, "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I
find The Wizard of Oz?"

The fairy godmother answers, "That's easy...
just follow the.......


YELLOW PRICK TOAD!"

 ;D ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MinotBob on October 25, 2009, 06:34:11 PM
Montana Cowboy

 
A young, good looking Cowboy walked into a drug store in Montana and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store,
there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him.

The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss,
he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The cowboy then agreed and began by saying,
'This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. 
It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'

The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.'
 
When she returned, she said, We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is as follows:

1/3 ownership in the store,
A company pickup truck, and
$3,000 a month living expenses
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: seeker_two on October 25, 2009, 06:47:06 PM
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip. Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.  "Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"  "Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"  I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."  So here I am.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on October 25, 2009, 07:05:01 PM
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip. Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.  "Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"  "Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"  I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."  So here I am.


Not again!!!!!! And scrolling this time? Is that somehow supposed to make it funny again? ? ? ?    ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 25, 2009, 07:13:21 PM
 Path, I think that's a "running joke"     ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: david86440 on October 25, 2009, 07:20:28 PM
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip. Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.  "Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"  "Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"  I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."  So here I am.


 Path, I think that's a "running joke"     ::)

Good one Tom........
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 25, 2009, 07:35:25 PM
this place is ever the riot...........................................yes?     ;D  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 25, 2009, 09:24:16 PM
Not a joke, but I got a chuckle or two while reading this:

This is from Marc Griffin, a freelance outdoor writer from Arkansas:

Before I get started, I warn you now, there is no easy way for a man nearing 50 to impart wisdom learned onto the next generation. Still, as my father and grandfather did, I look at it as almost a duty, a carrying on of generations, if you will. As such, this story may be long, for there is no short way to teach.

About 2 months ago my nuts started hurting me. It wasn't a sudden pain, just a gradual idea that my nuts hurt. Not a sharp pain, just a dull, continuous, ache. Being a man who believes in the wonders of modern medicine, I needed a doctor.

Now, I don't know if you ever googled "nut pain" but, I can tell you now, only about half of the search is related to medicine and
doctors. The rest, the best I can tell, is related to walnuts, or  chestnuts, or crazy people.
It turns out that I needed a gastro doctor, because apparently your nuts are somehow connected to your stomach.....go figure.....this  whole thing is becoming a learning experience.

In order to spare you the details of a man grabbing my sack, let me just skip to telling you that I was diagnosed with hernias, 's' being the most important letter of that particular word in this specific case. Yes, hernias, one on each side, which has, the best I can tell when I cough, caused my balls to get sucked up into my stomach, which must be why I needed a gastro doctor to begin with.

Again, the things a man can learn just by living long enough.

At this point, the story gets a bit personal, but it must be told. The doc asks me if I ever had any trouble with my "testicles". I    hate that word, it's like calling poontang a vagina, and was probably invented for people who didn't want to talk about the
subject to begin with, so they made up a word nobody wanted to say.

Anyway, it turns out that I did, as a kid, have a problem with my left, uh.........nut.
From what I can remember of a child of 8 or 9, that sucker didn't want to come down into the world with the right one. It stayed hid up wherever nuts come from.
Now, I can't remember the exact content of the conversation between my dad and the doc back then, but the jist of it was that the doc said that if they did not fix the hung up ball, I would most likely never have kids and was a great risk of...... uh...... testicular cancer.
The rest of the conversation surrounded the procedure, which included tying a string to my ball, and then pulling it down, and tying the other end of the string to my leg so that the unruly nut could be trained to stay with his partner. Of course, being only 8 or 9, I didn't understand all of the terminology, but it was pretty damn clear, even at my tender age, that having one of your balls tied to your leg didn't seem like something a boy could just run around with without tearing his nut off, or at the very least, a chunk of his leg.
I can vividly remember watching my dad mull the whole thing over in his mind, before he said something along the line of, "we'll go with no kids and cancer, thanks."

It turned out, my wayward ball found his way home, at least partially, but I never really gave it much thought. If you think about it, a fella don't begin scratching and adjusting his balls until he's a grown man. I can't say I ever missed that thing, and didn't even realize it worked things out on it's own until I was old enough to barely remember it not being there. Besides, I went on to    father 5 children so it never became part of a discussion again, until this damn gastro doctor brought it up.

Now, I can't say I was really paying attention to the next thing the doc told me, because after a man grabs your nuts, makes you cough, and then puts his finger up next to those suckers until your eyes are about to pop out, your mind just shuts down. Apparently, your balls are connected to your stomach, but then they run straight into your eyeballs and into your brain.
Who knew?

He said something about checking for cancer, and an ultrasound.
I said, "huh?".
He said, "I'll set you up for a testicular ultrasound before we talk about surgery, to make sure there are no issues we can't see."
I can honestly say, without hesitation, that testicular ultrasound are two words I didn't even know you could put together.
That's something you expect to read in a headline in the morning paper, something like, The Israeli's are massing troops on the
border after learning that Iran has a secret testicular ultrasound plant.
"Uh.........how's that go?"
He explained that it was like an x-ray, only it gave a real time 3 dimensional picture of what your balls look like.
Whatever.
The doc says, "You may want to shave your groin area, it'll save some time when you go in for the appointment with the ultrasound tech."
Well hell, my day is just getting better and better.
The best I can figure when I leave there is that my nuts are in my stomach, they may be ate up with cancer, and now they need to suffer the indignation of being hairless.
Yes, I've heard that some of you younger dudes shave your nuts.....that's great.....you're stupid.
I can prove you're stupid because I shaved mine 2 days before the ultrasound, and by day two it felt like a porcupine had taken up residence in my shorts. Why anyone would do that to themselves for the hell of it I don't know, and don't tell me that the women like it......who gives a fork what they like.

Which, unfortunately, brings me to the lesson part of this story.

I go to the "imaging center" with my shaved balls, which are not really shaved because they now reside in my stomach, just behind my eyeballs.
I go through registration and eventually get taken to the exam room, where I sit, waiting..........waiting.........waiting.....until , in
walks Carla........ Long dark hair and about 30 years old, not a knock out, but a fairly good looking gal. I figure she's gonna ask me some more questions and then the tech dude will come in and get this over with.
But then Carla says, "I need you to lay down on the table. It's up to you, some men take all of their clothes off, some just their pants, and some just pull their pants down a ways. It's up to you, I'll leave the room, you can cover up with the sheet, and then
I'll be back and we'll get started."
I say, "WHAT? Who's doing this deal?"
Carla says, "I am the tech, don't worry about it, it's painless."
I refrain from saying, "Yes, I know it's painless, in fact, I usually like to have some gal rubbing my nuts."
So Carla leaves and I sit there pondering my three options.
I wonder for a bit why there ain't option 4, "just pull one of your balls through your zipper and we'll get some pictures", but there ain't.
I opt for just taking my pants off, because laying there with my pants around my ankles seems dangerous if I decide I need to get out of there in a hurry.

So here comes Carla, and I'm laying there like a goof with a sheet over me....wondering just how this is supposed to work.....and then Carla gets a tube of jelly and starts rubbing it in her hands. She pulls the sheet down and begins to rub the jelly on my balls. In a near panic, I realize that I better think of something I hate, and fast.
For the life of me, the only thing that comes to my head is cauliflower.........
I hate that crap!!! I don't know how anyone eats it.
Carla is rubbing my nuts and I'm like an Arab chanting at the wailing wall.....cauliflower, cauliflower, cauliflower.....she's talking to me, but I got my hand over my eyes....cauliflower, cauliflower, cauliflower.......she grabs a towel an puts it over my Johnson, touching it a bit as she does....CAULIFLOWER, CAULIFLOWER, CAULIFLOWER....this is gonna get ugly embarrassing.
Next thing I know, she says, "This may tickle a bit."
"WHOA......HOLD ON A MINUTE".
She ignores me and starts to run that damn vibrating ultrasonic pecker hardener on my balls.....OH DAMN, CAULIFLOWER!!!!!!
I'm still hiding my eyes and now I'm trying not to laugh, and the chant must be coming out of me because Carla says, "What?".....
I have no idea what to say, so I blurt out, "You like califlower?"
She says, "Not really, what brought that up?"
I can't talk.......and then she says, "Your right testicle is a bit larger then your left testicle"......
How the hell do you respond to something like that when the person who says it is a gal with a vibrator in her hand?
"Uh, thanks."
She laughs.....cauliflower, cauliflower, cauliflower.....and I've about got tears in my eyes trying to figure out when this deal will end.
But no......more jelly, and on up toward the top of my balls.....I now envision entire fields of cauliflower, and people with cauliflower heads, and God help me, I can feel it coming.
I says, "Uh"....and Carla says....I swear to God this mofo says, "Don't worry if you get a bit aroused, it means all the parts are working."
You think???
I'm pretty sure at some point I just passed out......and when I woke up Carla was telling me I was clear.....no cancer......and I was thinking like my dad did 40 years ago, hell, I'd of just took the cancer if I'd have known where this whole deal was going.

The lesson?

There ain't one......I lied....there is no lesson, just life.

Still....it could happen to you.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steyr M40A1 on October 25, 2009, 09:42:09 PM
THANK YOU for the story. While I dont care if its true or not, GOD was it funny.
Kind of like the Chili stories. It never gets old and is always funny.

Now back to reality. My brother had a incident where he herniated his "package." Actually they got twisted and the doc got worried. Best part of the story is that the nurse whom "helped" him is a active Jacksonville Jaguar Cheerleader. And mister smooth operator cant wrap his mind around having a beautiful woman hit 3rd base with out dinner and a movie. Anyway, my little bro is better and has a whopper of a story to tell all about it.

Just dont ask for a whole story as it will include a severally ingrown hair on that area that trust me you DONT want me to write about.     
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 25, 2009, 09:46:21 PM
THANK YOU for the story. While I dont care if its true or not, GOD was it funny.
Kind of like the Chili stories. It never gets old and is always funny.

Now back to reality. My brother had a incident where he herniated his "package." Actually they got twisted and the doc got worried. Best part of the story is that the nurse whom "helped" him is a active Jacksonville Jaguar Cheerleader. And mister smooth operator cant wrap his mind around having a beautiful woman hit 3rd base with out dinner and a movie. Anyway, my little bro is better and has a whopper of a story to tell all about it.

Just dont ask for a whole story as it will include a severally ingrown hair on that area that trust me you DONT want me to write about.     

A definite 'cauliflower' moment.   :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on October 25, 2009, 09:54:20 PM
(http://rds.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0WTefV4DuVKnSUAGjijzbkF/SIG=13am5nbf0/EXP=1256611832/**http%3A//www.go4myspacelayouts.com/myspace_funny/funny/funny-images-funny-picture-40.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on October 25, 2009, 10:03:11 PM
(http://i277.photobucket.com/albums/kk72/LORILORI_photo/funny.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: david86440 on October 25, 2009, 10:04:42 PM
I've still got tears in my eyes I was cracking up so bad reading the cauliflower story to my wife.

I had to keep stopping as I was laughing so hard I couldn't talk.

That's a great story.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on October 26, 2009, 10:51:34 AM
UNSAVORY NASTY BARN YARD LANGUAGE Years ago when I sometimes used unsavory language, I often used the expression "Bull S***." As I grew up a bit and discovered it was not necessary to use such crude language, that expression became "BS."

 

Q. What did I really mean when I used those expressions?

A. I meant that something was ridiculous, or idiotic or a half truth or just plain stupid. It covered any number of negative formats. The dictionary defines it as: nonsense; especially : foolish insolent talk...

 

I have decided that I no longer will use either of those expressions in the future. When I have a need to express such feelings, I will use the word "Pelosi." Let me use it in a sentence. "That's just a bunch of Pelosi.." I encourage you to do the same. It is such a nasty word. It really packs a lot of punch. We are no longer being vulgar. But it clearly expresses our feelings. If enough of us use it, perhaps the word could be entered into the dictionary. When on a ranch watch your step and don't step in that Pelosi. It will get on the bottom of your boot, stink, and won't go away until next election. What an descriptive legacy for the current Speaker of the House!

 

PASS IT ON TO AT LEAST 10,000,000 PEOPLE. DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN OR YOU WILL GET MORE PELOSI THAN YOU CAN SHAKE A STICK AT.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 26, 2009, 03:52:51 PM
 ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on October 26, 2009, 06:52:58 PM
^ The world's first remote control.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 27, 2009, 12:19:40 AM
 President BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.
HE spoke for almost an hour on HIS future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, since he has now become the President. HE referred to his career as a Senator, how he had signed 'YES' for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval.
Although President Obama was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his 'red sisters and brothers'.
At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - "Walking Eagle". The proud President then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came to select the new name they had given to the President. They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of sh*t it can no longer fly.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: 1911 Junkie on October 27, 2009, 12:25:01 AM
(http://i277.photobucket.com/albums/kk72/LORILORI_photo/funny.jpg)

That won't work on Bawney Fwank.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 27, 2009, 12:56:22 AM
A little clean humor:



And just for you, Haz.......  ;D


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on October 28, 2009, 07:37:57 PM
I'm sure there is a redneck joke here somewhere.

(http://thereifixedit.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/montek-moredeerpower.jpg?w=500&h=331)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 28, 2009, 07:50:55 PM
Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq. 
The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.   

Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.'   

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. 
Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content..'

Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in ' New York, so I'd like to hear the song, The Moon and Me, one last time.'
   
The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song.

Gibson was satisfied.

Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.'   

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments.

He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'

The leader turned and said, 'And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?

'Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine.

'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'

'No, I'm NOT kidding.  I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead.
In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he took, sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11.

In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson, and Williams, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place?  Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?'

'What?' replied the Marine, 'and have you three assholes report that I was the aggressor......?
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: seeker_two on October 29, 2009, 07:59:51 PM
Not again!!!!!! And scrolling this time? Is that somehow supposed to make it funny again? ? ? ?    ;D

Don't you get it?.....

;D  ....it's the running joke....  ;D

EDIT:  Looks like everyone else did, too....  :D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on October 30, 2009, 05:42:32 PM
Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq. 
The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.   

Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.'   

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. 
Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content..'

Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in ' New York, so I'd like to hear the song, The Moon and Me, one last time.'
   
The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song.

Gibson was satisfied.

Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.'   

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments.

He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'

The leader turned and said, 'And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?

'Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine.

'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'

'No, I'm NOT kidding.  I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead.
In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he took, sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11.

In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson, and Williams, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place?  Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?'

'What?' replied the Marine, 'and have you three assholes report that I was the aggressor......?
 




Semper Fi!!!    ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 31, 2009, 11:28:24 AM

  There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington this year!

  The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity
  Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas Season.

  This isn't for any religious reason!

  They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in
  the Nation's Capital.

  A Search for a Virgin continues..

  There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill
the stable !!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on October 31, 2009, 11:31:52 AM
  There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington this year!

  The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity
  Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas Season.

  This isn't for any religious reason!

  They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in
  the Nation's Capital.

  A Search for a Virgin continues..

  There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill
the stable !!!!!!!!

You have a terribly hard time remembering the difference between facts and jokes  >:(
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 01, 2009, 10:29:42 PM
This guy has the right idea for easy holiday decorations.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on November 02, 2009, 11:18:49 AM
Better than a Flu Shot!
 

   Miss Beatrice,

The church organist,

Was in her eighties

And had never been married. She was
admired for her sweetness

And kindness to all.
 

One afternoon the pastor

Came to call on her and she showed him &

into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while
she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old   Hammond   
organ,

The young minister

Noticed a   cute glass
bowl Sitting on top of it.
 

The bowl was filled

With water, and in the
water
Floated, of all things, a
condom!

When she returned

With tea and
scones,

They began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his
curiosity

About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer
resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about
this?' Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it
wonderful?

I was walking through

The Park a few months ago

And I found this s little package on the
ground.

The directions said

To place it on the organ,

Keep it wet and that it would prevent
the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on November 02, 2009, 01:26:32 PM
> A Boston Red Sox fan, a Chicago Cubs fan and a NY Yankees fan were all in
> Saudi Arabia performing military duty for the US Army.
>
> While off base, they were caught sharing a smuggled case of booze. All of
> a
> sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of
> alcohol is a sever offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime they
> were sentenced to death!
>
> With the help of good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their
> sentence down to life imprisonment.
>
> By a stroke of luck, a benevolent Sheik decided that they could be
> released
> after receiving just 20 lashes of the whip.
>
> As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik said, "It's my 1st
> wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each one of you one
> wish before your
whipping".
>
> The cubs fan was 1st in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about
> this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was
> done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through.
> The
> cubs fan was carried away bleeding and crying.
>
> The Yankees fan was up next (he almost finished an entire 5th by himself),
> and after watching the scene, said "OK please fix 2 pillows to my back."
> But
> even 2 pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through
> again,
> sending the Yankee fan crying like a baby.
>
> The Red Sox fan was the last up ( he had finished off the crate- given his
> allegiance, who could blame him), but before he could say anything, the
> Sheik turned to him and said "you support the greatest baseball team in
> the
> world, your supporters are the
best and most loyal fans in all the world.
> For this you may have 2 wishes"
>
> "Thanks, your most royal highness'" the Red Sox fan replied.
>
> "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not
> 20,
> but 100 lashes".
>
> "Not only are you an honorable, powerful man, you are also very brave,"
> said
> the Sheik. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your
> second
> wish? What is it to be?" the Shiek asks..
>
> To which the Red Sox fan replied... "Tie the Yankee fan to my back."
>





OK it is funny, but I am still a Yankee fan.  8) :-*
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on November 02, 2009, 04:20:37 PM
Bill, two jokes for the price of one!

Richard

PS:  Member of the Yankee/Phillies farm system fan club...now that's a JOKE!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on November 02, 2009, 06:58:59 PM
Dear Tide:


I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my forties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were inconclusive and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go. Have to write to the

Hefty bag people.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on November 03, 2009, 02:36:53 PM
This is an exercise to help prevent Alzheimer's.
READ THE INSTRUCTIONS CAREFULLY
then do what it says. How many tries to get 1005 ?   ;D

http://www.humorsphere.com/fun/8787/colortest.swf
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: david86440 on November 03, 2009, 10:40:44 PM
This is an exercise to help prevent Alzheimer's.
READ THE INSTRUCTIONS CAREFULLY
then do what it says. How many tries to get 1005 ?   ;D

http://www.humorsphere.com/fun/8787/colortest.swf

100% first try.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on November 04, 2009, 05:39:46 AM
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=fc9_1179219135

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on November 04, 2009, 08:16:55 PM
Stranded

 

 A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around,
he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.


After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling..
 
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi .

That evening, the man brought  Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again..

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to  Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jackel on November 06, 2009, 10:10:30 PM
100% first try.

same. try this out:

http://recruit.flashpointgame.com/ (http://recruit.flashpointgame.com/)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jackel on November 06, 2009, 10:13:44 PM
"god, the whole cell phone thing while driving is just getting stupid. i was driving behing this one woman on the highway, she was stopping and starting and barley staying in the lane. God, i must have spilled my beer THREE times following that lady."

larry the cable guy
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 07, 2009, 09:08:33 PM
 :P
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on November 08, 2009, 06:14:29 PM
Why cats will never rule the world.
(http://i703.photobucket.com/albums/ww40/BigCheeseStick/securedownload-1.jpg?t=1257725571)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steyr M40A1 on November 08, 2009, 10:16:27 PM
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the
counter and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.


I honestly answered, this is my first time.'


So she unwrapped the package, took one out and
slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make
sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still
looked confused. So she looked all around the store
to see if it was empty. It was empty.
'Just a minute, she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.



Taking my hand, she led me into the back room,
unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked
her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She
asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do
was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.



As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt,
removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
'Well, come on she said,'We don't have much time.'
So I did the deed. It was so wonderful, that
unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and
KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.



She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you
put that condom on?' she asked.
I said, sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jackel on November 09, 2009, 06:34:03 PM
 ;D priceless
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 09, 2009, 07:30:55 PM
Below Blonds diary on a cruise ship!!!!!

   
DEAR DIARY: DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up.
Really excited.
   
DEAR DIARY: DAY 2   
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins.
 Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 3
At the pool today..
Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck.
Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.
Felt honored and had a wonderful time.
He is very attractive and attentive.


DEAR DIARY: DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino.
Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin.
Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne.
He asked me to stay the night but I declined..
Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 5
Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day.
Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.
Really is charming.
Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night.
Again I declined.
He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship.
I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 6
Today I saved 1,600 lives.
Twice.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on November 09, 2009, 09:52:38 PM
JUST WHEN I THINK I'VE HEARD THE 'BEST BLONDE JOKE' EVER, ALONG COMES ONE
> LIKE THIS.
> >
> > A blonde Australian heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She
> left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk When the milkman
> read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably
> meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The
> blonde Australian came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your
note
> asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?'
> >
> > The blonde Australian said, 'I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my
> bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and
beautiful
> again.'
> > The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?' The blonde Australian
> said, 'No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my face.'
>
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on November 10, 2009, 06:36:49 AM
The war I want no part of...




























(http://thm-a01.yimg.com/image/db41d68b70241d2c)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on November 10, 2009, 11:14:52 AM
Getting a hairdryer through customs....

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course, child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on November 10, 2009, 06:43:50 PM
A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop.  They were both just getting finished with their shaves and the barbers were reaching for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me!  My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on pal, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steyr M40A1 on November 11, 2009, 07:27:11 PM
I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."

Her parents beamed with pride.

"Wow...what a worthy goal", I said.

I told her, "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."'

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party"'

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on November 13, 2009, 11:01:05 AM
 I just got this e mail forwarded from Johnny Bravo

        We were in Pigeon Forge over the week end.  On Sunday, we left to come home.  Traffic was moving slowly, and a car in front of us had an Obama bumper sticker on it.  It read:  "Pray for Obama.  Psalm 109:8".

        Mike's Bible was lying on the dash board.  He got it, opened it up to the scripture, and read it.  He started laughing and laughing.  Then he read it to me.  I couldn't believe what it said.  I had a good laugh, too.

             ><>

        Psalm 109:8

            "Let his days be few; and let another take his office."

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on November 15, 2009, 12:51:02 PM
MEGA MORON #1A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? $15.
[If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]

MEGA MORON #2Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

MEGA MORON #3Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on video tape.

MEGA MORON #4As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied "Yes Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

MEGA MORON #5The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

MEGA MORON #6
And 5 Star Stupidity Award Winner!When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motorhome near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on November 16, 2009, 06:14:18 AM
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court.  I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.  The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange and blue.  The old man kept staring at him.  The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.  I was just wondering if you were my son."
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on November 17, 2009, 11:28:27 AM
Pumpkin Pie Factory

(http://i384.photobucket.com/albums/oo283/tsbevins/PumpkinPieFactory.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: True_Texan on November 18, 2009, 02:19:42 AM
This has been around for awhile now. Some have read this, but I hope some haven't. It's a long story but way too funny to pass up:



The Ryan's Steakhouse Story

Now, I know that there is a lot of embellishment that occurs on this group and I am aware that a small number of things are perhaps sheer fabrication, but I have a story to tell that is the absolute truth.

Funniest damn thing that has ever happened to me. A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served. Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little bastards. It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment.

We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were consumed that evening, I tell you - in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated. Perhaps a bit too much, however.

I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble. There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing. At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first I thought it was only gas, which could have been passed in batches right at the table without too much concern.

Unfortunately, that was not to be. After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive diarrhea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress... I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall. One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good shit. But in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal wire-cutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a shit.

I went to the normal stall. In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the pressure on my ass was reaching Biblical portions. I began "The Move."

For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain "The Move." Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones ass toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time. It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of shit at the exact same second that oneÕs ass is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the piss stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer.

I was about halfway into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little bastards attending kids night. It was mounded up in the corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall. Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a rematch.

What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events is a bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can. In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was diverted from the goings-on at the other end. To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half crouched down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my esophagus.

Now, most of you know that vomiting takes precedence over shit no matter what is about to come slamming out of your ass. It is apparently an evolutionary thing since shitting will not kill you, but vomiting takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death. My attention was thus diverted. At that very split second, my ass exploded in what can only be described as a wake...you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of "30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of shit the consistency of thick mud with #### pockets of greasy liquid came flying out of my ass.

But remember, I was only halfway down on the toilet at that moment. The shit wave was of such force, and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat, that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall - at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the toilet seat. Then I sat down. Recall that when that event occurred, I was already halfway to sitting anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain point, you're going down no matter how limber you may be. Needless to say, the shit wave, though of considerable force, was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and deposit itself on the walls - unlike what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a puddle. There was a significant amount of shit remaining on about one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon.

Now, back to the vomit...

While all the shitting was going on, the vomit was still on its way up. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed. OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when vomiting? One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet, though. Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now slightly-opened legs, positioned in between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did I mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweatpants with elastic on the ankles. In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in my pants...on the inside...with no ready exit at the bottom down by my feet. In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple of turds, and the event ended. Yet I was now sitting there with my pants full of vomit, my back covered in shit that had bounced off the toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me, covering the back of my shirt with droplets of liquid shit. All while thick shit was spread all over my ass in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet seat.

And there was no f....k toilet paper. What could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I was OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet paper. When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there was no way I was going to explain what was happening in the stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my wife to come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left. At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had pissed just a bit in my pants or something similarly benign.

About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained to her (still laughing and having trouble getting out words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to bring the car around so we could bolt immediately. Until I asked her, I'm sure she had no idea that she was about to go across the street and purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers.

And she then started to laugh herself since I was still laughing. She began to ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I promised her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for the time being. She left.

The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured me that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned. Without giving him specific details, I explained that what was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan's making minimum wage of just slightly above. At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that I will be eternally grateful for his actions. He hooked up a hose. Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom. He hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with the wet towels.

Just as I was finishing, my wife got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall, whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that came from the store, handing the bag to my wife. I finished cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes, still stuck in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get redressed, in the event I happened to be standing there naked and some little bastard kid walked in. At that point, I had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and intended to keep it that way.

When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain in the center of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom. I had intended to go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management staff were there to greet me with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to throw up again, but managed to scurry out to the car where my wife was now waiting to pick me up by the front door.

The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating dinner at Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of any restaurant in which I have eaten.

I'm a sick man I know but you know its funny.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on November 18, 2009, 04:58:36 PM
This has been around for awhile now. Some have read this, but I hope some haven't. It's a long story but way too funny to pass up:



The Ryan's Steakhouse Story

Now, I know that there is a lot of embellishment that occurs on this group and I am aware that a small number of things are perhaps sheer fabrication, but I have a story to tell that is the absolute truth.

Funniest damn thing that has ever happened to me. A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served. Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little bastards. It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment.

We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were consumed that evening, I tell you - in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated. Perhaps a bit too much, however.

I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble. There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing. At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first I thought it was only gas, which could have been passed in batches right at the table without too much concern.

Unfortunately, that was not to be. After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive diarrhea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress... I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall. One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good shit. But in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal wire-cutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a shit.

I went to the normal stall. In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the pressure on my ass was reaching Biblical portions. I began "The Move."

For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain "The Move." Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones ass toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time. It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of shit at the exact same second that oneÕs ass is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the piss stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer.

I was about halfway into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little bastards attending kids night. It was mounded up in the corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall. Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a rematch.

What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events is a bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can. In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was diverted from the goings-on at the other end. To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half crouched down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my esophagus.

Now, most of you know that vomiting takes precedence over shit no matter what is about to come slamming out of your ass. It is apparently an evolutionary thing since shitting will not kill you, but vomiting takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death. My attention was thus diverted. At that very split second, my ass exploded in what can only be described as a wake...you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of "30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of shit the consistency of thick mud with #### pockets of greasy liquid came flying out of my ass.

But remember, I was only halfway down on the toilet at that moment. The shit wave was of such force, and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat, that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall - at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the toilet seat. Then I sat down. Recall that when that event occurred, I was already halfway to sitting anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain point, you're going down no matter how limber you may be. Needless to say, the shit wave, though of considerable force, was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and deposit itself on the walls - unlike what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a puddle. There was a significant amount of shit remaining on about one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon.

Now, back to the vomit...

While all the shitting was going on, the vomit was still on its way up. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed. OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when vomiting? One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet, though. Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now slightly-opened legs, positioned in between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did I mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweatpants with elastic on the ankles. In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in my pants...on the inside...with no ready exit at the bottom down by my feet. In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple of turds, and the event ended. Yet I was now sitting there with my pants full of vomit, my back covered in shit that had bounced off the toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me, covering the back of my shirt with droplets of liquid shit. All while thick shit was spread all over my ass in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet seat.

And there was no f....k toilet paper. What could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I was OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet paper. When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there was no way I was going to explain what was happening in the stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my wife to come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left. At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had pissed just a bit in my pants or something similarly benign.

About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained to her (still laughing and having trouble getting out words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to bring the car around so we could bolt immediately. Until I asked her, I'm sure she had no idea that she was about to go across the street and purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers.

And she then started to laugh herself since I was still laughing. She began to ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I promised her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for the time being. She left.

The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured me that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned. Without giving him specific details, I explained that what was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan's making minimum wage of just slightly above. At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that I will be eternally grateful for his actions. He hooked up a hose. Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom. He hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with the wet towels.

Just as I was finishing, my wife got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall, whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that came from the store, handing the bag to my wife. I finished cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes, still stuck in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get redressed, in the event I happened to be standing there naked and some little bastard kid walked in. At that point, I had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and intended to keep it that way.

When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain in the center of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom. I had intended to go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management staff were there to greet me with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to throw up again, but managed to scurry out to the car where my wife was now waiting to pick me up by the front door.

The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating dinner at Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of any restaurant in which I have eaten.

I'm a sick man I know but you know its funny.



GREAT!!!  Now I have to figure out how to get Diet Coke out of my keyboard.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on November 18, 2009, 07:34:44 PM
 

 

Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

 


Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

 


The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

 

L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

 

 

 

L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
P: It made of concrete.

 


L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
P: No, we have carport, and not need one.

 


L: I mean. What are your relations like?
P: All my relations still in Poland.

 


L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

 


L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I always up before her.

 


L: Is your wife a nagger?
P: No, she white.

 


L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She going to kill me.

 


L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof.

 


L: What kind of proof?
P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: Polish Remover".


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MinotBob on November 19, 2009, 12:26:23 AM
I just got this e mail forwarded from Johnny Bravo

        We were in Pigeon Forge over the week end.  On Sunday, we left to come home.  Traffic was moving slowly, and a car in front of us had an Obama bumper sticker on it.  It read:  "Pray for Obama.  Psalm 109:8".

        Mike's Bible was lying on the dash board.  He got it, opened it up to the scripture, and read it.  He started laughing and laughing.  Then he read it to me.  I couldn't believe what it said.  I had a good laugh, too.

             ><>

        Psalm 109:8

            "Let his days be few; and let another take his office."

 

Check out Psalm 109:9 "Let his children be fatherless, and his wife a widow."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MinotBob on November 19, 2009, 01:41:58 AM
The Zoo has a African Lion the White House has a Lie'n African
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on November 19, 2009, 01:43:20 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2gIdMRwfuM



I'm sure there is a joke or two in there some where    ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on November 19, 2009, 08:15:10 AM
Why I no longer have to shop on Black Friday!

Dear Mrs. B.....,

On your last visit, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.  We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both.   Our complaints against your husband, Mr. B....., are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares.  Get on it right away'.  This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'  EMTs were called.
9.  Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10.  While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11.  Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12.  In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14.  When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15.  Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'  One of the clerks passed out.

Life is good... 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on November 19, 2009, 05:17:33 PM
One Sunday morning, a priest decided to do something a little different. He said 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind ...the pastor shouted out 'CROSS.'   Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.'

The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'

The pastor said 'POWER.' The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'

The Pastor said 'SEX' The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing 'MEMORIES.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on November 20, 2009, 05:11:22 PM
The Gyno Mechanic

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
The instructor said,
"During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire life".

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on November 20, 2009, 09:28:40 PM
That's a classic red.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 21, 2009, 06:03:23 PM
Random Thoughts for the Day:

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5.I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
 
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this-- ever.

15. I  hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? D@mn it!),but when I immediately call back,it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day.What a waste…

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers.I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite's than Kay.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 22, 2009, 12:57:54 PM
The commanding officer of a regiment in the U.S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his staff, battalion and company commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure?'

The regimental executive officer chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A captain said it was 50-50%.

The colonel's aide responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
 

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on November 22, 2009, 01:05:25 PM
 He's either going to make General, or he's going to be a Private for a VERY long time  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steyr M40A1 on November 22, 2009, 08:07:46 PM
<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/YgT7-xr2PGA&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&feature=player_embedded&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/YgT7-xr2PGA&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&feature=player_embedded&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>


Or

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YgT7-xr2PGA&feature=player_embedded
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on November 23, 2009, 02:19:04 AM
Don't know if this was on here before or not, but it's just to funny!  (He got the quotes PERFECT!  ;D)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vs5wv1KZdnk&feature=popt17us15

Is "OMG, it's sooooo hot in here?!?" in there?  Now I've gotta listen again.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on November 23, 2009, 02:33:30 AM
Response to the funniest video EVER!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJsQcnB6GC0

The bubble comment in this one was pretty good to.  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 23, 2009, 05:21:35 PM
Not for kids. A remix of two songs. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HEuaVDq1dp4&feature=related
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: deepwater on November 24, 2009, 06:49:59 AM
 
Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase 'You Gotta Be Shitting Me'?

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our Country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.

There were 33 in Washington 's boat.  It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters  and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.  Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail.  All of them felt terrible, for
the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted.  He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.'  They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place.  We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shitting me.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on November 24, 2009, 10:36:44 AM
Dear Mr.Grim Rea per,
  
So far this year you have taken away my favorite dancer and entertainer Michael Jackson, favorite actor Patrick Swayze, and favorite actress Farah Fawcett.

Just so you know, my favorite politician is Barack Obama.

Thank you
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on November 24, 2009, 02:40:59 PM
Washington had a very difficult and ultimately historic decision to make before crossing the Delaware......

Wait for it!












"Row vs. wade!"


FWIW

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on November 24, 2009, 07:36:52 PM
The POSITIVE results of "Cash for Clunkers":



      It's taken 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road...!!!

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on November 26, 2009, 06:53:55 AM
Perhaps a little too close to the truth

 

At the G20 summit, Barack Obama and Kevin Rudd are being shown a computer simulation

 called 'Time Machine' which can supposedly predict the economy and society trends of the future.

 Both decide to test it by asking a question each.

 Barack goes first:  "What will the USA be like in 50 years time?"

The machine whirs and beeps then gives him a printout,

 "The country is still in good hands under the Democrats, crime is down, there is little world conflict,

the economy is healthy.There are no worries."

Kevin thinks "That's not a bad prediction, but I'm sure mine will top that." so he asks,


"What will Australia be like in 50 years time?"

The machine gives the same whirs and beeps, then ejects a printout.

Kevin looks at it, turns it around a few times, then shakes his head.

"Come on Kevin," laughs Barack, "What does it say"

 Kevin replies,  "No idea..... it's in Arabic!" 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on November 28, 2009, 07:29:57 PM
A man (guess who?) moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo of himself in half and mails it to her.

The next day he discovers he has accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried, but then he remembers how bad his mother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his mother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle, it makes your nose look too short.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: bulldog75 on November 28, 2009, 08:58:56 PM
A new study on woman’s libido was just completed.

It is found that a certain type of food shuts their libido off.

Wait for it.





It is called wedding cake.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on November 28, 2009, 10:00:41 PM
Many times there are 3 different rings that that reveal the signs of couples:
The Engagement Ring
The Wedding Ring
The SuffeRING
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on November 29, 2009, 08:13:27 PM
When Ronald Reagan was president, we also had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash still with us...

 Now we have Obama with no Hope and no Cash.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on November 30, 2009, 06:01:50 AM
STRIKING SUICIDE BOMBERS


Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next January from 72 to only 60.  The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organisation of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."

Mr Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too.  How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands where he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained,

"We sympathise with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands.  They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace.  Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife.  It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off.  I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."  He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good fanatical clerics.  "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.

Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas.  One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that........it's too much of a mouthful to swallow".

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working.  However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on November 30, 2009, 06:04:26 AM
teaching maths in oz

1. Teaching Maths in 1970

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.

His cost of production is 80% of the price.

What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.

His cost of production is $80.

How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.

His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


5. Teaching Maths In 2005

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment:  Discuss how the birds and koalas might feel as the logger cuts down their homes just for a
measly profit of $20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009

A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling license. He is also fined a $100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another $100 because he is such an easy target.  When he is released he returns to find some indigenous people have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land.  He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, im prisoned for 6 months and fined a further $100.

While he is in jail the indigenous people cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for $100 cash.  They also have a leaving BBQ of koala and goanna, and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The logger on release is warned that failure to clear the fly and vermin ridden rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced $12,000 plus GST for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

 Your assignment:  How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make $20 profit by hard work, give up, sign on to the dole and live off the government for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010

A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’ t get a loan to buy a new truck because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Iceland and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million dollar in bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.  The logger struggles to pay the $1,200 licencing fee on his old truck however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.
Some Vietnamese loggers buy the truck from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the government's expense. Following their holiday back home they return to Australia with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay $1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.

You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths 2017

  أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانت=D 8ج من
ا! لثمن. ما هو الربح له؟
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on December 02, 2009, 11:10:20 AM
                                                          "Cowboy Bank Loan"
                                         Or, never underestimate a Texas cowboy.
 
A Cowboy from Sweetwater , Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.  He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international rodeo for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Cowboy handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.  The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.  The Cowboy produced the title and everything checked out.  The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Cowboy from Texas for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.  An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.  The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.  While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world.  Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater , Texas.  What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The good 'ole Texas boy replied,  “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?”
Don't mess with TEXANS...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 02, 2009, 11:12:48 AM
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide ............

Let's see now ...

·       No Jesus

·       No Christmas

·       No television

·       No cheerleaders

·       No Nude Women

·       No car races

·       No football

·       No soccer

·       No golf

·       No tailgate parties

·       No pork BBQ

·       No hot dogs

·       No burgers

·       No lobster

·       No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks

·       No nachos

·       No Beer nuts

·       No Beer  !!!!!!!!

·       Rags for clothes, and towels for hats.

·       Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.

·       Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.

·       More than one wife.

·       You can't shave.

·       Your wives can't shave ...

·       You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.

·       The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.

·       Your bride is picked by someone else.

·       She smells just like your donkey.

·       But your donkey has a better disposition.

·       Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!

·         I mean,  really,  is there a mystery here ?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on December 02, 2009, 05:27:17 PM


EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 40
 




Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.  (I'm at this level)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
 
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on December 02, 2009, 05:38:10 PM

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 40
 




Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.  (I'm at this level)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
 
 


That ain't funny.   :(
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 02, 2009, 09:40:51 PM
   Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

  Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.

Ping just offered Elin Woods an endorsement contract pushing her own set of drivers. They said to named
Elin Woods..."clubs you can beat Tiger with."

Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family--his new name?: Cheetah

Since Tiger drives an Escalade, can he blame the accident on his caddy?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on December 03, 2009, 05:02:55 AM
The World's First Tech Support Guy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=02JeTwpVt1s
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on December 03, 2009, 02:31:54 PM
What gave Tiger away was she found "Performance Enhancing Drugs" in his luggage......Viagra!

FWIW

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 03, 2009, 02:41:09 PM
What gave Tiger away was she found "Performance Enhancing Drugs" in his luggage......Viagra!

FWIW

Richard

Poor soul just couldn't be happy just playing the 'home course'.

Now he's in the dog-house instead of the clubhouse.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on December 03, 2009, 03:04:25 PM
On a scale of 1 - 10 Elin is what ... a 17!!!

Hell, he could share her will all of us and still have a 12, and he's out pickin up waitresses  ???

Maybe that club should have been inserted in left ear until it exited the right!

Next thought of the day ...

You're Tiger Woods and you've screwed up, where do you think you are going to run that someone isn't going to find you?

On the humorous side, of all of Tiger's great shots have you ever seen him have any success when he is in the trees or man made items around the course.  He should have just taken the penalty, gotten his relief and started from there.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on December 03, 2009, 04:41:54 PM
An old pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on December 03, 2009, 05:35:19 PM
This at home and he's screwing around?!?
(http://www.totalprosports.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/untitled2.bmp)

Can anybody say WTF?!?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: 1911 Junkie on December 03, 2009, 08:48:45 PM
What do Tiger Woods and baby seals have in common?



They've both been clubbed by Norwiegans.

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on December 03, 2009, 08:50:36 PM
This at home and he's screwing around?!?
(http://www.totalprosports.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/untitled2.bmp)

Can anybody say WTF?!?


have to agree with you on that one   

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on December 03, 2009, 09:14:41 PM
As three business men were touring a big city following a long day of meetings two walked into a bar ... The third ducked  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 04, 2009, 12:31:14 AM
 ;D

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Texas_Bryan on December 04, 2009, 12:41:23 AM
As three business men were touring a big city following a long day of meetings two walked into a bar ... The third ducked  ;D

It would scare you if you knew how many times I had to read that to get it. :-[
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: JC5123 on December 04, 2009, 08:38:47 AM
This at home and he's screwing around?!?
(http://www.totalprosports.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/untitled2.bmp)

Can anybody say WTF?!?

Hey if he's not interested, I've got a new house and a spare bedroom..... ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on December 04, 2009, 10:17:05 AM
Hey if he's not interested, I've got a new house and a spare bedroom..... ;D

Hell.......I'd sell my house and move to her! ( as long as it's a good gun state )
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on December 04, 2009, 10:22:25 AM
It would scare you if you knew how many times I had to read that to get it. :-[

Me too, but my mind was still on the post by tt1178.  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 04, 2009, 01:06:14 PM
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills in your wallet or purse were ever in a stripper's butt crack?  

If not, you're wondering now.



Have a nice day...   ;D



Always remember to wash your hands after handling money!



That's my public service announcement for the day.  


Thank you very much!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: david86440 on December 04, 2009, 06:39:01 PM
This at home and he's screwing around?!?
(http://www.totalprosports.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/untitled2.bmp)

Can anybody say WTF?!?


This isn't Tiger's wife. Wrong Elin Woods.

But this is..............
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on December 04, 2009, 06:43:03 PM
This isn't Tiger's wife. Wrong Elin Woods.

But this is..............

Maybe so, but not much different  :P
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on December 04, 2009, 07:03:07 PM
Dear Grim Reaper,

So far this year you have taken away my favorite dancer Michael Jackson, my favorite actor Patrick Swayze and my favorite singer Stephen Gately and my favorite actress Farah Fawcett.

Just so you know, my favorite politicians are Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi

Regards

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 04, 2009, 07:03:55 PM
Maybe so, but not much different  :P

Yeah.... 'specially after a few rounds of beer.    ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on December 04, 2009, 11:39:54 PM
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE' He stormed in to his wife in the kitchen and announced,
"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are
going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my
back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet
and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?


The wife replied, 'The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 05, 2009, 01:06:26 AM
 Yes Phil , while your being the "man of Your house" just remember, she knows where the knives are and she knows where you sleep.   ;D
That's a big part of why I don't mind being single, I AM the Man of MY house AND I can close both eyes when I sleep  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on December 05, 2009, 10:51:50 AM
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy,
the wars, global warming, my savings, Social Security, my credit card debt.....
I called Lifeline. 


Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan   
I told them I was suicidal
They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck..... ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on December 05, 2009, 12:30:09 PM
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE' He stormed in to his wife in the kitchen and announced,
"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are
going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my
back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet
and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?


The wife replied, 'The fuckin' funeral director m58 would be my first guess.'


;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 05, 2009, 11:01:00 PM
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
> While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.  The devil
> tells them it is for calling back to Earth.  Putin asks to call Russia and
> talks for 5 minutes.  When he was finished the devil informs him that the
> cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
>
> Next Queen Elizabeth call England and talks for 30 minutes.  When she was
> finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen
> Elizabeth wrote him a check.  Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks
> for 4 hours.  When he was finished the devil informed him that there would
> be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.
>
> When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to
> call the USA free.  The devil replied, since Obama became president of the
> USA , the country has gone to hell, so naturally it's a local call.
>
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on December 06, 2009, 02:57:14 PM
                    3 GENERALS

Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away would get his full annual benefits plus 10,000 Dollars for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of 720,000 Dollars.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for 960,000 Dollars.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer arrived and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"

The general replied, "One in Iraq and the other in Afghanistan. .. Keep measuring."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 06, 2009, 08:28:53 PM
Tools and their uses explained!!
 
DRILL PRESS :
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it  smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL :
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, sh*t!"

SKILL SAW :
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS :
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER :
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW :
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle ... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the  more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS :
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH :
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW :
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK :
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW :
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST :
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER :
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER :
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR :
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER :
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER :
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit usually smashing the thumb that is holding the object that you are trying to pound into whatever it is that you are working on effectively eliminating the need for manicure care on that thumbnail for weeks.   See: Son of a b*tch TOOL

UTILITY KNIFE :
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your  front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records,  liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or  plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a b*tch TOOL :
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling, "Son of a b*tch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on December 06, 2009, 08:39:14 PM
Jesus Clip

(http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e330/m58/Internal_e_Clipsjpg_200x200.jpg)

Originally found holding any number of cables to linkage in the tight confines of an automotive engine compartment.

Most commonly found where only Jesus knows after a simple attempt to remove   >:(
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on December 07, 2009, 06:57:45 AM
Amish Sex


An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blistery day.

   The daughter said to her mother,
 
      'My hands are freezing cold.'
 The mother replied,
 
 
'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'

   The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
 The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,
 
 
'My  hands are freezing cold.'

   The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.'

   He did and warmed his hands.

   The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

   He said,   'My nose is cold.'

   The girl replied 'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'

   He did and warmed his nose.

   The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, 'My penis is frozen solid.'

   The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again,
 and she asks,   'Have you ever heard of a penis?'

   Concerned the mother said, 'Why yes..... why do you ask?'
 The daughter replies, 'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!'     

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: bulldog75 on December 08, 2009, 11:08:04 PM
I dont know if you have heard this one I have not read all the ones on this page so here goes.
I went to the dentist the other day and had to have a root canal. He goes to give me a shot to numb me and I tell him to go ahead without the shot I can handle the pain. He says this is one of the most painful things you will ever have done to you. I tell him that I have dealt with worse go ahead and give it to me. He starts drilling and yes it was painful but not that bad. He stops mid way and says dam you have a high pain tolerance, you might be one of the toughest men I have ever met. I told him that it was the third most painful thing that I have ever had happen to me. He says "third" what the heck was number two. I told him that I was hunting and had to take a number 2 and when I squated down to do my business a steel trap snapped shut on my man parts. The dentist says that had to be painful, I said yea but it was number 2. He askes what was number one.

When I got to the end of the chain.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 08, 2009, 11:16:32 PM
Now that was painfully funny right there.   :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on December 09, 2009, 06:15:26 AM
Number 3's

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=paw0M7p1-8k
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on December 09, 2009, 09:52:24 AM
Cars are soon to be a thing of the past. They have always been just beyond my means, but we took out a Cadillac Escalade  for a test drive, just to drive that sucker before they become extinct.

The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and all it's wonderful options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summerv heat.

I stated the car must be a Republican car.

He asked why I thought it was a Republican car and I explained that if it were a Democratic car, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on December 09, 2009, 10:09:45 AM
WINTER Poem 

It's winter in Iowa
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At thirty-five below.

Oh, how I love Iowa
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut. 

Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Iowa
I'm frozen to the frigging ground!
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on December 09, 2009, 10:21:43 AM
We all remember the "Hillary Meal"---small breasts and big thighs. 

    Now, KFC has announced an addition to their chicken dinners.
     It's called the Obama Cabinet Bucket.---It consists of nothing but
    Left wings and assholes.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on December 09, 2009, 10:57:17 AM
Finally a blonde joke I haven't heard.



During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said, "Well, DUH, it has to be at least 8 characters long."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: bulldog75 on December 09, 2009, 03:18:46 PM
What makes the sound of.

varoom
screech
varoom
screech
varoom
screech
dont know




Blonde at a flashing red light.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: bulldog75 on December 11, 2009, 08:11:46 AM
Whats the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods.
Santa quit after just 3 ho's.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on December 11, 2009, 02:16:49 PM
A Texas cowboy ends up in a Wyoming bar where he orders three beers. 

The bartender sets him up and watches as the cowboy takes a sip from each beer until he's finished them all.

Then he orders three more and commences to drink them in the same fashion.

The bartender is somewhat mystified by this behavior and says to the cowboy, "You know, I'm happy to bring you as many beers as you wish, but by ordering three at a time you're letting them get a little warm and a little flat.  Why don't I just bring 'em one at a time?"

The cowboy explained to the bartender that he had a brother in Colorado and another in Arizona and they had mutually agreed they would each have their beer in this fashion as a special way of remembering how much they cared about each other.

The bartender was moved by this demonstration of brotherly love.  So were the other patrons of the bar as they got to know the young cowboy over the following days and weeks.

One day the cowboy ordered only two beers. 

When the bartender served him, he did the only logical thing and expressed his sympathy on the cowboy's loss of one of his brothers.

"No one died," said the cowboy.  "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist church and they frown on beer drinking.  Fortunately, that don't affect my brothers, though."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on December 11, 2009, 02:42:11 PM
(http://img16.imageshack.us/img16/6307/2072148.jpg)

(http://i291.photobucket.com/albums/ll287/pineyLGT805/AR15.jpg)

(http://c4.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/128/l_7f1447c990cc29f39bc6fa6eda510e27.jpg)

(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa288/Blitzer0101/Funn-Stuff/BubbasTacticalShotgun.jpg)
(http://i79.photobucket.com/albums/j146/viper2986/9mmzl0.jpg)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 11, 2009, 03:33:33 PM
"What now, bitches?"  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on December 11, 2009, 04:53:37 PM
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich,  begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'


      The woman shakes her head no.

      Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
   
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

    His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on December 11, 2009, 05:09:40 PM
 ;D ;D  Can this be a sticky at the top of the "Handguns" thread?   ;D ;D

(http://i79.photobucket.com/albums/j146/viper2986/9mmzl0.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 12, 2009, 10:03:22 PM
A husband says to his wife, “What would you do if I won the Lotto?”
 
She says, “I'd take half, then leave you.”
 
 “Excellent,” he replies,
“I won 12 bucks, here's $6, now get out.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on December 12, 2009, 11:37:42 PM
A husband says to his wife, “What would you do if I won the Lotto?”
 
She says, “I'd take half, then leave you.”
 
 “Excellent,” he replies,
“I won 12 bucks, here's $6, now get out.

And still, somehow, we are shocked that you live alone  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 13, 2009, 12:32:20 AM
And still, somehow, we are shocked that you live alone  ;)

Amazing isn't it   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: bulldog75 on December 13, 2009, 11:49:46 AM
Maybe its his attitude. I bet you dutch oven women too dont you.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on December 13, 2009, 12:45:55 PM
First Christmas Joke of the Year


A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl

on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"


The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety

Violation.

The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the  back of

it."


The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got, "Did

Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell

Santa the

dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 13, 2009, 08:21:16 PM
Maybe its his attitude. I bet you dutch oven women too dont you.

How did you guess ?  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on December 13, 2009, 08:23:28 PM
Maybe its his attitude. I bet you dutch oven women too dont you.

Uh, someone want to fill in this clueless country boy as to just what the heck this means?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on December 13, 2009, 08:28:39 PM
Uh, someone want to fill in this clueless country boy as to just what the heck this means?

The letting of flatulence and then tucking your significant others head under the covers......

Rip a good one and hold her head under to appreciate the odiferous gases..... ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: CDR on December 13, 2009, 08:36:59 PM
The letting of flatulence and then tucking your significant others head under the covers......

Rip a good one and hold her head under to appreciate the odiferous gases..... ;D ;D

Charming move. 


I bet James Bond never did that to his girls.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on December 13, 2009, 08:39:08 PM
The letting of flatulence and then tucking your significant others head under the covers......

Rip a good one and hold her head under to appreciate the odiferous gases..... ;D ;D

Ew
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on December 13, 2009, 08:48:57 PM
Ew

You asked!

 ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 13, 2009, 08:50:17 PM
Charming move.  


I bet James Bond never did that to his girls.

The crazy part is, unlike Bond, my women don't USUALLY try to kill me.
Sometimes I wonder why  ;D

My ex wife and I were laying in bed one night and I felt the urge, so I asked if if she'd like a Dutch Oven, She got all excited thinking I meant cast Iron cook ware   ;D   SOB was one of the NICER things she called me   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 13, 2009, 09:49:27 PM
 ;D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L82YAaC7PzU

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on December 14, 2009, 11:41:20 AM
There are only two things that prevent me from doing that to Mrs. T:  Fear and common sense.








(mostly fear)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: shooter32 on December 14, 2009, 11:43:45 AM
There are only two things that prevent me from doing that to Mrs. T:  Fear and common sense.








(mostly fear)

That and paybacks!  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on December 14, 2009, 12:00:38 PM
That and paybacks!  ;D


Kinda like early in our marriage when we were talking about domestic abuse.  I believe her exact words were, "Feel free to hit me anytime......................then go to sleep."     ;D


That woman scares the HELL out of me!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on December 14, 2009, 03:00:10 PM
WAL MART INTERVIEW

 Jennifer a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on!

 

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steyr M40A1 on December 14, 2009, 10:28:46 PM

Kinda like early in our marriage when we were talking about domestic abuse.  I believe her exact words were, "Feel free to hit me anytime......................then go to sleep."     ;D


That woman scares the HELL out of me!!



If the only thing I every learned from reading my dad's 20year collection of easy rider mags is 1. A fart joke is always funny and 2. DONT go to sleep first if your old lady is pissed at you, well I am going to be ok.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on December 16, 2009, 10:31:57 AM
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the
children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would
keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 16, 2009, 12:17:57 PM
To All My Democrat Friends:





Please accept with no obligation, implied or explicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the   winter solstice   holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted   calendar year   2010, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that   America   is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only   America   in the   Western Hemisphere . Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

  

To My Republican Friends:

Merry Christmas !!  and a  Happy New Year!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: JC5123 on December 16, 2009, 02:43:37 PM
Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies


1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila


Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl,
Check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,
Pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter
In a large fluffy bowl.


Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another
Cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup
Of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner.


If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry
It loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves A sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can
Find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall
Over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.


Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the
Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.
Cherry Mistmas !
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on December 16, 2009, 03:05:37 PM
Little Johnny

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are  restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day.

The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good,
I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln".
The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD. Susie answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before  Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said,
"That's right
Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before.
Mary  answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Nancy . You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD.  Nancy answered first.

Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish  these b*tches would keep their mouths shut".

The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny said, "TIGER WOODS! CAN I GO NOW?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on December 16, 2009, 08:36:37 PM
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.  She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.. The man seemed more amused.  When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.



The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honour, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Linament will Reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,  'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on December 18, 2009, 03:45:53 PM
John woke up yesterday to find himself in a hospital bed, all bandaged up, and with a doctor standing over him.  He asked where he was, and the doctor replied that John had been in a serious car accident and was in the hospital.  The doctor went on to describe many of the injuries and how they had repaired almost everything.  Saddly a key anitomical piece was missing.  The paramedics, troopers and many volunteers had searched for hours, but they could not find it.

The doctor then informed John that with modern medical technology they could replace it, and it would work better than the original.  The cost is $1,000 per inch, and they had already contacted John's insurance company.  They insurance company said they would pay up to $9,000 for that type of elective procedure.

John was extremely excited at the thought, but the doctor quickly started talking about options.  "John" he said, "You need to discuss this with your wife.  You had five inches before, and she may be excited about the extra four, or she may be pleased with the original five and a good vacation."  He advised John to discuss it with his wife and get back to him.

Last night, after supper, the doctor was making his rounds and stopped in John's room.  John seemed somewhat down, but that is normal for victims of major trauma.  After some chit chat the doctor asked John if he had spoken with his wife.  John said "yes."  Doc asked what the decission was, and John quietly replied "We're getting granite counter tops."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on December 21, 2009, 08:18:05 PM
Two Woodpeckers...
 
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
 
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:  Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 21, 2009, 10:24:29 PM
In the washroom in the airport I saw this handwritten sign posted over one of those hot air hand dryers:

"Please push button and listen for a short message from the President!"

 




There's nothing like "hot air" and the smell of fresh crap to give you that true Obama presence!

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on December 22, 2009, 10:07:16 AM
(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0809/when-youre-drunk-demotivational-poster-1222707718.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on December 22, 2009, 10:14:41 AM
(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0912/stress-squirrel-drunk-stress-demotivational-poster-1260284199.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on December 22, 2009, 10:15:36 AM
(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0912/gay-test-gay-test-hot-drunk-chicks-demotivational-poster-1259693627.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on December 22, 2009, 10:16:37 AM
(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0909/situational-humor-humor-drinking-drunk-arrest-weird-demotivational-poster-1251903195.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 22, 2009, 08:24:47 PM
 :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on December 23, 2009, 06:54:30 AM
heaps more  here fellas

http://www.downrange.tv/forum/index.php?topic=7794.0
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on December 27, 2009, 10:22:47 PM
Are you a Democrat, Republican or .....a Southern Republican ?

Here is a little test that will help you decide........

Question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes on you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire h im to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his
hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this
send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he would be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he
was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and
weed day and
make this a happier, healthier street
that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! ! I need to debate this with some friends for few
days and try to come to a consensus.


Republican's Answer:

.........BANG!


Southern Republican's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

click.....(sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

click

Daughter:

"Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: 1911 Junkie on December 27, 2009, 10:52:02 PM
I know, Christmas is over but here it is anyway.

Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
everybody felt shitty
even the mouse

Mom at the whorehouse
and dad smoking grass
I just settled down
for a nice piece of ass

When out on the lawn
I heard a great clatter
I sprung from my piece
to see what was the matter

And out on the lawn
I saw a big prick
I knew in a moment
it must be Saint Nick

He came down the chimney
like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment
the F-cker had fell

He filled all our stockings
with pretzels and beer
and a big rubber dick
for my brother the queer

He went up the chimney
with a thunderous fart
the son of a bitch
blew the chimney apart

He yelled and he cursed
as he rode out sight
"Merry Christmas to all
and have a hell of a night"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 27, 2009, 11:51:07 PM


An old country farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.  From morning till night she was always complaining about something.

The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.  He tried to plow a lot.  One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him

lunch in the field.  He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.  Immediately, his wife began nagging him again...

Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on.  All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head.

Killed her dead on the spot.

 

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd...  When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute,

then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.  So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded

his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 28, 2009, 12:24:23 AM
Once there was husband and wife who had just bought a new mule.
They were walking it down the street when the mule trips over a stone.
The husband says, "That's one!"
They walk some more, when the mule trips over a stone again.
The husband says, "That's two!"
Then the mule trips over a stone a third time.
The husband says, "That's three," and shoots the mule right between the eyes!
The wife gets mad and start's cursing and raising hell at the husband and saying, "That was our only mule! You were an idiot to shoot it!"
The husband turns and says to his wife, "That's ONE!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on December 28, 2009, 05:00:20 PM
To all who's New Year resolution is to loose weight    ;D

The  Pasta Diet and Your Health

ITALIAN  PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!

1.. You  walk pasta da bakery.

2... You walka  pasta da candy store.

3.. You walka  pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4.. You walka  pasta da table and fridge.

You  will lose weight! 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on December 28, 2009, 05:10:49 PM
Meet Bob
 
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
 

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
 

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,


'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'


Bob's funeral will be on Friday.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 28, 2009, 09:37:45 PM
Remember when Ronald Reagan was president.

 We also had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash...

Now we have Obama and no hope and no cash.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on December 29, 2009, 12:26:56 AM
I know, Christmas is over but here it is anyway.

+1 


Merry Christmas et. al. Be sure to read the disclaimer !!!


 

To All My Left-wing Friends:

 

Please accept with no obligation, implied or explicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday for the Northern Hemisphere Nations, and the summer solstice for the Southern Hemisphere Nations, along with the confused nations within the equatorial belt, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practise religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2010, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make the U.S.A. great. Not to imply that the U.S.A. is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, fiscal standing, criminal record, drinking habits, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

 

 

To My Right-wing Friends:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

I hope most of you guys are right wingers..........
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on December 29, 2009, 12:05:05 PM
1947

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago,
witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens
aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico
. This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by
the U.S. . Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April1948, nine
months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?
I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you.
It did for me.

No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!

Now You Know.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 29, 2009, 12:32:10 PM
I know you posted it as a joke, and Snopes says it isn't true but in fact Al Gore WAS born in the right time frame

Albert Arnold "Al" Gore, Jr. (born March 31, 1948)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Al_Gore
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on December 29, 2009, 01:44:58 PM
OFFICIAL NOTICE



Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on December 30, 2009, 06:00:10 AM
found this Vid while sitting in the corner


( Guess I will be there a little longer :) )


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iLV2UL5qipE
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on December 30, 2009, 06:40:15 AM
Phil, you got too much time on your hands.  I'll come back and help you clean up the corner.

Richard

PS:  Good vid!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on December 30, 2009, 08:36:00 AM
It just hit me !!

My dogs sleep about 20 hours a day. They have their food prepared for them. They can eat whenever they want, 24/7/365. Their meals are provided at no cost to them. They visit the Dr. once a year for their checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this they pay nothing, and nothing is required of them. They live in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than they need, but they are not required to do any upkeep. If they make a mess, someone else cleans it up. They have their choice of luxurious places to sleep. They receive these accommodations absolutely free. They are living like a kings, and have absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of their costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day. I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head,

Holy S#!t !! My dogs are Democrats !
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on December 30, 2009, 08:37:29 AM
It just hit me !!

My dogs sleep about 20 hours a day. They have their food prepared for them. They can eat whenever they want, 24/7/365. Their meals are provided at no cost to them. They visit the Dr. once a year for their checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this they pay nothing, and nothing is required of them. They live in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than they need, but they are not required to do any upkeep. If they make a mess, someone else cleans it up. They have their choice of luxurious places to sleep. They receive these accommodations absolutely free. They are living like a kings, and have absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of their costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day. I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head,

Holy S#!t !! My dogs are Democrats !

http://www.downrange.tv/forum/index.php?topic=10522.0   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on December 30, 2009, 12:50:00 PM
found this Vid while sitting in the corner


( Guess I will be there a little longer :) )


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iLV2UL5qipE


She could play my kazoo anytime.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 30, 2009, 01:52:56 PM
The 1st  Affair
 
 

 A  married man was having an affair
with  his secretary.

One day they went to  her place
and made love all  afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell  asleep
and woke up at 8  PM.

The man hurriedly  dressed
and told his lover to take his  shoes
outside and rub them in the grass  and dirt.

He put on his shoes and  drove home.

'Where have you been?'  his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to  you,' he replied,

'I'm having an  affair with my secretary.
We had sex  all afternoon.'

She looked down at  his shoes and said:

'You lying  bastard!
You've been playing  golf!'


The 2nd  Affair

A middle-aged  couple had two beautiful   

Daughters
but  always talked about having a  son..

They decided to try one last  time
for the son they always  wanted..

The wife got  pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby  boy.

The joyful father rushed to  the nursery
to see his new  son.

He was horrified at the  ugliest child
he had ever  seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no  way I can
be the father of this  baby.
Look at the two beautiful  daughters I fathered!
Have you been  fooling around behind my back?'

The  wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No,  not this time!'


The  3rd Affair

A  mortician was working late one  night.

He examined the body of Mr.  Schwartz,
about to be  cremated,
and made a startling  discovery.
Schwartz had the largest  private part
he had ever  seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the  mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you  to be cremated
with such an impressive  private part...
It must be saved for  posterity.'

So, he removed  it,
stuffed it into his  briefcase,
and took it  home.

'I have something to  show
you won't believe,' he said to his  wife,
opening his  briefcase.

'My God!' the wife  exclaimed,
'Schwartz is  dead!'


The 4th  Affair

A woman was in  bed with her lover
when she heard her  husband
opening the front  door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in  the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil  all over him,
then dusted him with  talcum powder.

'Don't move until I  tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a  statue....'

'What's this?' the  husband inquired
as he entered the  room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she  replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I  liked it
so I got one for us,  too.'

No more was  said,
not even when they went to  bed.

Around 2 AM the  husband got up,
went to the kitchen and  returned
with a sandwich and a  beer.

'Here,' he said to the  statue, have this.
I stood like that  for two days at the Smiths
and nobody  offered me a damned thing.'


The 5th  Affair

A man walked into a  cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a  beer..

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be  one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man  exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu  and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy  steak
and a bottle of  wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman  replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the  man.
'Where's the guy who owns this  place?'

The bartender  replied:
'Upstairs, with my  wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he  doing upstairs
with your  wife?'

The bartender  replied:
'The same thing I'm  doing
to his business down  here.'


The 6th  & Best Affair

Jake was dying.  His wife sat at the bedside.

He  looked up and said  weakly:
'I have something I must  confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his  wife replied.

'No,' he  insisted,
'I want to die in  peace.
I slept with your sister, your  best friend,
her best friend, and your  mother!'

'I know,' she  replied.
'Now just rest and let the  poison  work.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on December 31, 2009, 03:10:23 PM
(http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e330/m58/Tiger.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 31, 2009, 06:05:30 PM


   If he even LOOKS at Michelle I'm going to have the Secret Service break his legs.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on January 01, 2010, 12:04:09 PM



I wonder if he'd be interested in trading wives for the weekend?  I mean, Elan is SMOKIN!!!  And as a special favor, maybe we can give some of his overflow to Slick Willie!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: seeker_two on January 01, 2010, 03:08:44 PM


   If he even LOOKS at Michelle, she'll break BOTH our legs.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on January 04, 2010, 07:30:20 PM
"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

11. Your cousin is president of the United States
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on January 04, 2010, 11:59:08 PM
What happens to the retarded Transformers?

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xrui_dancing-car


Dancing Car
by revilo989



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 05, 2010, 02:32:44 PM
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . ..


Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman:" Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp...."

Doctor:"I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle".

2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.

Woman:" Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled with chamomile tea and gargled and nothing happened.

Doctor:" you see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!"
 


 

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on January 05, 2010, 03:10:33 PM
Is that a Blonde joke M'ette?


Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on January 06, 2010, 07:23:02 PM
The Blonde and the Breathalyzer
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.
He said, 'I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.' She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, 'It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.'
She replied, 'You mean it shows that, too?'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 07, 2010, 05:25:02 PM
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . ..


Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman:" Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp...."

Doctor:"I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle".

2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.

Woman:" Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled with chamomile tea and gargled and nothing happened.

Doctor:" you see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!"
 


 

 ;D


NOTE: I do not advocate violence against women.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 08, 2010, 03:03:46 PM
 
Hey, the liberals are asking us to give Obam Bam time......I agree and think 25 years to life would be appropriate. What do you think??
 
I've been doing a bit of thinking and have come to the conclusion that we need Obam Bam healthcare like Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
 
Went to McDonalds and saw that they have a new Obam Bam Happy Meal. You order anything you want and the guy behind you pays for it.
 
What does Obam Bam call lunch with a convicted felon? A fund raiser!!
 
What's the difference between Obam Bam's cabinet and a penitentiary?? 
One is filled with tax evaders, communists/socialists, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.
 
If Nancy Pelosi and Obam Bam were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink....who would be saved?? AMERICA
 
Do you know what the difference is between Obam Bam and his dog Bo?
Bo has papers.
 
Heard a rumor that Al Gore had to cancel several appearances to address the global warming issue.
All the major airports and interstates were snowed in.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on January 08, 2010, 03:53:45 PM
Truth is stranger/funnier than fiction!

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on January 08, 2010, 05:53:40 PM
Potato Prostitute 
>
>Two  little potatoes are standing
>on the street  corner. One is a
>prostitute..
>
>How can you  tell which one is the prostitute? 
>
>
>
>It's  the one with the little sticker that says... 
>
>
>I - DA - HO
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on January 09, 2010, 12:40:40 PM
;D


NOTE: I do not advocate violence against women.


Reminds me of a domestic violence conversation Mrs. T and I had when we were first married.  I believe her exact words were, "Go ahead and hit me anytime you want..................then go to sleep."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 09, 2010, 01:39:20 PM

Reminds me of a domestic violence conversation Mrs. T and I had when we were first married.  I believe her exact words were, "Go ahead and hit me anytime you want..................then go to sleep."

Ha ha.. exactly what I say..
" Go ahead.. hit me.. make it real good cause you will NEVER get another chance..and you will have to go to sleep sometime!"


Oral Sex Survey Results
 
5,000 men were asked
 to complete a survey on what they liked best about Oral Sex:
 
a. 3% liked the warmth.

b. 4% enjoyed the sensation.

c. 93% appreciated the silence.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on January 11, 2010, 11:22:53 AM
The Unlucky Hunter

A hunter walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged ... shooting himself in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.'"
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied.. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the West Virginia Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye!"

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ratcatcher55 on January 11, 2010, 04:35:35 PM
A little old  lady was walking down the street dragging two large
         plastic garbage bags  behind her.  One of the bags was ripped and every once
         in a while a $20 fell out onto the  sidewalk.
 
         Noticing  this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are
         $20 bills falling out  of that bag."
 
         "Oh  really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back
        and see  if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me  officer."
 
         "Well,  now, not so fast," said the cop.  Where did you get all that
         money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
 
         "Oh, no,  no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right
         next  to the football stadium parking lot.  On game days, a lot of fans come
         and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden.
 
         It used to really tick me off.  Kills the flowers, you know.  Then I
         thought, 'why not make the best of it?'  So, now, on game days, I  stand
         behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge  clippers.
         Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I  surprise him, grab
         ahold of it and say, "O.K., buddy!  Give me $20, or  off it comes!"
 
         "Well,  that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good
         luck! Oh, by the way,  what's in the other bag?"
 
         "Well, you  know", said the little old lady, "not everybody  pays."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 11, 2010, 10:58:38 PM

The Frozen Carburetor...
 
In  the fun world of the administration of justice, not all the laughs are in the court-room. Indeed, giggles and guffaws can erupt at almost any time or place.
 
For example:  On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in northern  British Columbia, a RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.
 
"What's the matter?" asked the policeman.
 
"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply. 
 
"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."
 
"Can't."
 
"OK, Watch me and I will show you."
 
The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised.   The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.   A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.
 
It began:  "On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded..."
  ;D ;D ;D ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on January 12, 2010, 10:20:20 AM
The Skin Transplant


A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'
'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: shooter32 on January 12, 2010, 10:24:30 AM
The Skin Transplant


A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'
'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'



Good one red. LOL  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MinotBob on January 12, 2010, 06:02:25 PM
THE POTTY
A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.  HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.  THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK.  BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS:  "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?  YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE..
BILLY SAYS:  "I'M FINE, MOMMY..  I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET."
MOTHER SAYS:  "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES.  BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 13, 2010, 01:56:11 PM


Coyote Population


The Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest Service were
 presenting an alternative to Alberta ranchers for controlling the
 coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the
 tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the
 tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution.
 What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males
 would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population
 would be controlled.  This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Alberta
 Ranching Association and Farming  Association by the Alberta
 Government and the Alberta Forest Service.
  All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of
 minutes. Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference
 room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Son, I don't think you
 understand our problem.
 Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!'
You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on January 14, 2010, 08:17:24 PM
*A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in
  front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number
  tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.*
 
  *Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her.** Out
  of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.*
 
  *"Hi there, little girl,** I'm President Obama. What do you have
  in the basket?" he asked.*
 
  *"Kittens."** little Suzy said.*
 
  *How old are they?** asked Obama.*
 
  *Suzy replied,** "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open
  yet."*
 
  *"And what kind of kittens are they?"*
 
  *"Democrats,"** answered Suzy with a smile.*
 
  *Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his** car, he
  called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the
  kittens.*
 
  *Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the
  president should return the next day,** and, in front of the
  assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.*
 
  *So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with
  her basket of** "FREE KITTENS" when another motorcade pulled up,
  this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN* *(no FOX
  NEWS).*
 
  *Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Obama got
  out of his limo and walked over to** little Suzy..*
 
  *"Hello, again,"** he said, "Id love it if you would tell all my
  friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."*
 
  *"Yes sir," Suzy said.** "They're Republicans."*
 
  *Taken by surprise, the president stammered,** "But...
  but..... yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS."*
 
  *Little Suzy smiled and said,** "I know. But today, they have
  their eyes open."*
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on January 15, 2010, 06:44:24 AM
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the US  House of Representatives for assistance.

The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is speaker Pelosi.

How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

 

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on January 15, 2010, 02:10:24 PM

Drafting Guys Over 60
 
This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier...

New Direction for any war:  Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.


If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!!  How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!  If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 16, 2010, 04:01:38 PM
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why...

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'
She looked, and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet...

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on January 17, 2010, 11:39:02 AM
The World's Shortest Books



THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE

by Barack Obama

____________________________________________

OTHER BLACK PEOPLE I'VE MET WHILE YACHTING

by Tiger Woods

______________________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY

by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan

Illustrated by Michael Moore

________________________________________

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA

by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton

_______________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL

by Hillary Clinton

________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY

THE SEQUEL

by Bill Clinton

___________________________________

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD

by Bill Gates

____________________________________

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY

by Dennis Rodman

_________________________________

THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE

by Al Gore & John Kerry

_____________________________________

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

___________________________________

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

by Dr. J. Kevorkian

__________________________________

TO ALL THE MEN WE'VE LOVED BEFORE...

by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel

_________________________________

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

_______________________________________

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLER(S)

by O. J. Simpson

_________________________________________

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY

by Ted Kennedy

______________________

MY BOOK OF MORALS

by Bill Clinton

introduction by Rev. Jesse Jackson

*******************************************************

AND JUST ADDED:

COMPLETE KNOWLEDGE OF MILITARY STRATEGY!
                                                                      by Nancy Pelosi
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 17, 2010, 03:28:22 PM
AND JUST ADDED:

COMPLETE KNOWLEDGE OF Natural Beauty!
                                                                      by Nancy Pelosi
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: bulldog75 on January 17, 2010, 04:36:12 PM
Just added

Nancy Pelosi's tips on how to put on makeup with a ugly stick.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on January 20, 2010, 02:00:15 PM
Now that Crimson Trace has a green laser to go along with their red laser shouldn't they change their name to Christmas Trace?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on January 20, 2010, 04:27:50 PM
AND JUST ADDED:

COMPLETE KNOWLEDGE OF Natural Beauty!
                                                                      by Nancy Pelosi


Somebody shoulda dropped a house on that witch YEARS ago.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on January 20, 2010, 04:34:59 PM

Somebody shoulda dropped a house on that witch YEARS ago.


Or ... In a high screachy voice ... a little like M'ette telling you to hang something somewhere, "I'm melting, I'm melting,I'm meltingI'm melting"

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on January 21, 2010, 05:54:38 AM
Not really a joke, But...

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.

IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.

IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.

IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.
 
IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.

IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET:

A JOB ,
A DRIVERS LICENSE,
SOCIAL SECURITY CARD ,
WELFARE,
FOOD STAMPS,
CREDIT CARDS,
SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE,
FREE EDUCATION,
FREE HEALTH CARE ,
A LOBBYIST IN WASHINGTON,
BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE,
THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY'S FLAG WHILE YOU PROTEST THAT YOU DON'T GET ENOUGH RESPECT

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 21, 2010, 07:36:12 PM
Borrowed from an email:

I saw on the Internet Haiti is without a government.
To help out, I am donating one Obama, one Pelosi, one Reid, one Frank, one Coakley, and two Clintons!
They may keep them permanently!
I'd give them a constitution........................... but I can't find mine right now!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on January 22, 2010, 07:03:29 AM
WE SHOULD BE SO LUCKY!

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on January 22, 2010, 05:19:14 PM
   Police Do Care

The Corpus Christi, Texas Police Department reports finding a man's body in the Nueces River near Labonte Park. The dead man's name will not be released until the family has been notified.......

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive alcohol consumption.

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap on dildo, purple lipstick and an Obama for President in 2008 t-shirt.

He also had a cucumber in his rectum.

The police removed the Obama t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

Inspite of what you sometimes think, the Police do care.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 25, 2010, 04:10:38 PM
Just got scammed out of $25.00

 

Bought the Tiger Woods DVD  titled

 

 "My favorite 18 holes".

 

Turns out it's about golf.

Damn Waste of money.

Pass this on so others don't get scammed.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on January 25, 2010, 04:23:43 PM
She Shot Him 6 Times!


       
TRUE STORY FROM...
"THE HOUSTON HERALD NEWSPAPER"
IN HOUSTON , TEXAS
MARCH 5th, 2009
 
Last Thursday night around midnight, a woman from Houston , Texas was arrested,
jailed and charged with manslaughter for shooting a man 6 times in the back as he was running away with her purse.
 

The following Monday,
the woman was called in front of the Arraignment Judge, sworn in and asked to explain her actions.

The woman replied, "I was standing at the corner bus stop, waiting for the bus to take me home after work.

I am a waitress at a local cafe...
I was there alone, so I had my right hand on my pistol,
which was in my purse that was hung over my left shoulder.

 
All of a sudden I was being spun around hard to my left.
As I caught my balance, I saw a man running away from me with my purse.

I looked down at my right hand and I saw that my fingers were still wrapped around my pistol. The next thing I remember is saying out loud,

"No way punk!  Your not stealing my pay check and tips."
I raised my right hand, pointed my pistol
at the man running away from me with my purse,
and squeezed the trigger 6 Times!
~
When asked by the Judge,
"Why did you shoot the man 6 times?

The woman replied under oath,

 
"Because, when I pulled the trigger the 7th time, it only went click."

~

The woman was acquitted of all charges. She was back at working at the cafe, the next day!

 
Now that's Gun Control....

AMEN
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 25, 2010, 04:24:46 PM
 ;D  ;D  ;D Good one, Bill.......  ;D  ;D  ;D




Best quote of 2009.......................

The General is a quick thinker.
I know now why he is a General..

President Obama was having that one, lone brief conversation this year with General McChrystal about Afghanistan.

Things were obviously not going the way the General had hoped.  

Obama could sense this, and told him, "I bet when I die, you'll piss on my grave."

To which General McChrystal answers, "No sir, I've always said that when I get out of the Army, I'll never again wait in another line."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 25, 2010, 04:42:15 PM
When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'
[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]

Try this out:

Stop at your pharmacyand go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer madeby Johnson & Johnson..
Be very sure you get this brand.







When you get home, lock your doors,





draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.







Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement:



"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnsonis personallytested and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at
Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!
 




...Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...
Then you are just an old sour fart;
Maybe you should go and work for Johnson and Johnson


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 25, 2010, 04:49:25 PM
 Ear Infection.

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.  You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose!  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 26, 2010, 12:28:39 PM
AROMA THERAPY


 
An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City office building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, bends over and farts....... "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on January 26, 2010, 05:11:00 PM


 
The spoon:
 
 
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
 
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
 
 
It seemed a little strange.
 
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
 
 
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
 
 
'Well, 'he explained,'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently  dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.  If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
 
 
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
 
 
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
 
 
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have
that string right there?'
 
 
"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.  By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'
 
 
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
 
 
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 28, 2010, 02:07:24 PM
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a
plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it
between her legs. The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he
is probably hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes
a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go
nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what he's seeing. A few more
minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently
wipes it between her legs again. The man has finally had all he can
handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and
three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs!
What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive
me crazy?"
The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare
condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now
feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"
"Pepper." she said.  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on January 28, 2010, 05:06:59 PM
LOL!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 28, 2010, 08:51:30 PM
Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis and one day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

 
Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!"

 
Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I hear you can drink dat yet fuel and get a buzz.. Ya vanna try it?"

 
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane jet fuel and got completely smashed.

 
Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

 
The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis mornin?"

 
Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?"

 
Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?"

 
Ole says, "No dat yet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin. Ve oughta do dis more often."

 
Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting."

 
Ole asked, "Vat's dat?"

 
Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?"

 
Ole stopped to think. "No "

 
"Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Milvaukee

 :D ;D ;D ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on January 29, 2010, 08:53:51 AM
WORTH THE READ!   ;)



> > For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this is.
> > They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.
> > It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza .
> > Judge
> > #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from
> > Springfield , IL
> >
> >
> > Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
> > cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
> > happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions
> > to
> > the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
> > two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
> > spicy;
> > and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
> > accepted and became Judge #3."
> >
> >
> > Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
> >
> > CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
> > Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> > Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> > Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
> > remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
> > flames
> > out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
> > Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> > Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
> > seriously.
> >
> > Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
> > I'm
> > supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
> > to
> > give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
> > saw
> > the look on my face.
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
> > Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
> > Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
> > Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
> > like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
> > me
> > more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
> > backbone
> > is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the
> > beer.
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
> > Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> > Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
> > other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> > Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
> > taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid,
> > was
> > standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to
> > look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
> > aphrodisiac?
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
> > Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding
> > considerable kick. Very impressive.
> > Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
> > the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
> > Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
> > can
> > no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
> > paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
> > had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
> > beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
> > off.
> > It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
> > Screw them.
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
> > Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
> > spices
> > and peppers.
> > Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
> > Superb.
> > Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
> > sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
> > will
> > eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
> > that
> > Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow
> > cone.
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
> > Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
> > Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
> > chili
> > peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about
> > Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
> > uncontrollably.
> > Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
> > wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
> > like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
> > slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
> > shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
> > decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
> > any
> > oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
> > hole
> > in my stomach.
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM 'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
> > Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
> > but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> > Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
> > hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
> > out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
> > if
> > he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
> > hot chili?
> > Judge # 3 -- No report.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 30, 2010, 10:20:08 AM
This may have been posted before. If it has, tough. It is still funny.



Transferring To  Detroit ...

On a flight getting ready to depart for  Detroit ..

Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside

him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking,

moaning in fear. "What's the matter?" Jack asked.

"I've been transferred to  Detroit , there's crazy people there.

They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor

public schools, and the highest crime rate."

Jack replied, "I've lived in  Detroit all my life. It's not as bad

as the media says Find a nice home, go to work, mind your

own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as

safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you.

I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK,

I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."  ;D ;)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on January 30, 2010, 03:12:33 PM

 
JUST FRED

 
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.  The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.'  I was born Fred Johnson. 
 I  studied hard and got good grades. 

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.  I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.  After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream!  Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. 

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. 

Well, the  ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. 

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD.  Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my  DDS  because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing
 
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 31, 2010, 12:15:22 PM

A TRIP TO COSTCO
                                   
  Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina
dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the
checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

  What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
 little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I
 was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably  shouldn't,
 because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd  lost 50
 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes
coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

  I told her that it was essentially a perfect  diet and that the way that
 it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat
 one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so
it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my
story.)

  Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the
dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an
Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

  I thought the guy behind her was going to have a  heart attack he was
 laughing so hard.

  Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

  Better watch what you ask retired people.  They have all the time in the
 world to think of crazy things to say.  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;)
   
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on January 31, 2010, 01:54:10 PM
LMAO and I sure needed it...not been a good day!

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 01, 2010, 01:29:03 PM
An oldie...but a goodie.........


Newt Gingrich and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

Newt leans in towards Pelosi and says, “Do you know that a simple wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be momentary, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and they’ll forever speak of this day and be happy!”

Pelosi replied, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”

So he backhanded the bitch.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on February 01, 2010, 02:50:30 PM
YOU CAN'T HELP BUT LOVE OLD PEOPLE........

A jet is making its final approach to St. John 's Airport. .
The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our
final descent into St. John 's Newfoundland . I want to thank you all
for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay on the "ROCK"
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his
conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, 'So, Skip, whatcha got
planned while we're on the Rock?'

'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take
a big crap.....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge
tits out for dinner.... I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to
my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.'

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately
begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new
stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.
She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to
turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she
goes.

The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear.............
He's gotta land the plane and take a shit first.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 01, 2010, 02:57:03 PM
 ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on February 01, 2010, 05:35:37 PM
Haz Jr. gets caught...








































































(http://i217.photobucket.com/albums/cc214/BishopPlace/cat-porno.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 01, 2010, 06:25:16 PM
Kitty porn.  :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on February 01, 2010, 08:36:50 PM
Haz Jr. gets caught...





haha   sure it was not Haz   as he as been a little quite....   must of lost his Net privileges 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on February 02, 2010, 10:59:45 AM
Have to look at his feet to see if it's Haz Sr. or not!

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on February 02, 2010, 11:48:12 AM
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC , when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.  Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.  Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter saw the whole event.  The reporter says to the biker, “'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.”

The biker replies, “Why, it was nothing, really.  The lion was behind bars.  I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.”

The reporter says, “Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed.  I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page.  So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?”

The biker replies, “I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.”  The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed reported his actions on the front page and sees:

" U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH"

That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on February 02, 2010, 03:47:51 PM
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC , when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.  Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.  Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter saw the whole event.  The reporter says to the biker, “'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.”

The biker replies, “Why, it was nothing, really.  The lion was behind bars.  I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.”

The reporter says, “Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed.  I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page.  So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?”

The biker replies, “I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.”  The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed reported his actions on the front page and sees:

" U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH"

That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.


JB:

That would be a lot funnier if it wasn't so damn accurate!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on February 02, 2010, 05:22:39 PM

JB:

That would be a lot funnier if it wasn't so damn accurate!!

It was hard to know where to post it.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on February 02, 2010, 09:13:19 PM
Norwegian Icebreaker heads up the Mississippi
 
As you may have seen on the news, it's been very cold in Iowa, so cold in fact that Iowans have borrowed a Norwegian Icebreaker   from Minnesota to unclog the Mississippi starting over near Davenport and working its way north.  Here is the first picture of it as it begins the hard work required to break up the ice.

The first Norwegian Icebreaker heads up the Mississippi :






(http://)(http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x286/red364/Image_005101ca9fc25e0b48707100aa43R.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: m25operator on February 02, 2010, 09:19:38 PM
M'lette should like that ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: bulldog75 on February 02, 2010, 09:21:16 PM
I bet you that thing looks like a inny belly button.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 03, 2010, 03:13:06 AM
Did she say IOWA ?
God, PLEASE don't let that be my VP   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on February 03, 2010, 05:52:19 AM
FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN.

Test 1 - Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-

1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.

3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children:-

1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter
and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to
their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2 - Knowledge

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their
methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels
and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in
which
they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table
manners and overall behavior.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the
answers.


Test 3 - Nights

To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag
weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some
other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am. 4.
Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea. 6.
Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4 - Dressing Small Children

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5 - Cars

1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat. 5. Run
a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6 - Going For a Walk

Wait
Go out the front door
Come back in again
Go out
Come back in again
Go out again
Walk down the front path
Walk back up it
Walk down it again
Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of
used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours
come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8 - Grocery Shopping

1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can
find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you
intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your
sight. 3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having
children.

Test 9 - Feeding a 1 year-old

1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the
swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the
floor.

Test 10 - TV

1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney,
Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11 - Mess

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls.
Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the
floor & leave it there.

Test 12 - Long Trips with Toddlers

1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important
Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include
occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13 - Conversations

1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve
while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a
child in the room.

Test 14 - Getting ready for work

1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on February 03, 2010, 10:34:52 AM
http://www.amazon.com/Rolex-Special-Perpetual-Cosmograph-116598-SE/dp/B001GUHSXU

You know you want one.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: garand4life on February 03, 2010, 10:47:23 AM
But HEY you get free shipping!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on February 03, 2010, 10:54:56 AM
Why buy a Rolex when you can have one of these?....be sure to read the "Customer reviews"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ichiban on February 03, 2010, 11:00:42 AM
Dayum!  I could get 10 or 15 incredibly overpriced, er, uhm, I mean high end, that's it,  high end 1911s for that kind of money.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on February 03, 2010, 04:54:31 PM
Did she say IOWA ?
God, PLEASE don't let that be my VP   ;D

I'm not Norwegian.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on February 03, 2010, 05:15:00 PM
Its a simple fact of life.... after Monday and Tuesday even the calender says WTF!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on February 03, 2010, 06:21:12 PM
Everyone dies and goes to heaven and God pulls all the men aside and starts to lecture them about not being the men that he intended them to be. He tells them that he is upset that many did not step up and be the head of the house hold like he intended. He tells them how upset he is at those who let their wives control them and dictate how they behaved and how they lived their lives.

Then he tells them all to form two lines.... He wants all the men who let their wives walk all over them to get in the first line, and all the men who took control and were the head of the household to get in the second line.

The men all got into their respective lines and to God's surprise there was only one man in the second line. God was confused by this and asked the man about it and the man said, "Oh.... I'm just over here because my wife told me to get in this line".

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 04, 2010, 03:17:09 AM
I'm not Norwegian.   ;D

Thank GOD, I mean Biden is bad enough  ;D

We want to be sure that when WE scare or offend some one, IT'S ON PURPOSE  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on February 04, 2010, 06:13:11 AM
WARNING :

Only Read This When You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to shit yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off..

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chilies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.

 

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chilies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chilies fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions
emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees.

This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.

.......BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my arse is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to
escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 04, 2010, 05:52:57 PM
Email WARNING:

If you get an E-mail claiming to contain pictures of Nancy Pelosi naked, DO NOT open it IT IS NANCY PELOSI NAKED!!!

 :-X
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on February 05, 2010, 01:18:30 PM
A winter statistic

(http://i414.photobucket.com/albums/pp225/tt11758/Winter.gif)

98% OF AMERICANS SAY 'OH SHIT' BEFORE
GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD. 

 
THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM    MINNESOTA or WISCONSIN 
AND THEY SAY,
'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 05, 2010, 01:51:31 PM
Barrack Obama was touring the countryside in his limo.

Suddenly, a male donkey jumps out onto the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Obama says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check, you were driving.'

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Obama.
 
Hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

'For Pete's sake, man, what happened to you?' asks Obama.

The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of whiskey, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.'

'What on earth did you say to them?' asks Obama.

'I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them, 'I'm Barrack Obama's chauffeur and I've just killed the jackass.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on February 05, 2010, 02:14:47 PM
I'm not Norwegian.   ;D

We won't hold that against you.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on February 05, 2010, 03:24:36 PM
We won't hold that against you.

Oh, ya, sure, you bet'cha!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on February 05, 2010, 04:35:39 PM
We won't hold that against you.

You don't hold that against me and I won't hold the bow-tie vehicles against you.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on February 05, 2010, 09:04:05 PM
The Sensitive Man


A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..

They get back to his place,

And as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom,

With hundreds and hundreds of cute,

Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed

In rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken
Quite some time to lovingly arrange them

And she was immediately touched

By the amount of thought he had
Put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along
The bottom shelf,

Medium-sized bears covering the
Length of the middle shelf,

And huge, enormous bears running
All the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an
Obviously masculine guy

To have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his
Sensitive side.

But doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and
Continue talking and,

After awhile, she finds herself
Thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
Could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future
Father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him
Lightly on the lips

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds,

And he romantically lifts her in
His arms and carries her into his bedroom

Where they rip off each other's
Clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she
Responds with more passion,

More creativity, more heat than she
Has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night
Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,

They are lying there together in
The afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
Strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her,

Strokes her cheek,
Looks deeply into her eyes,

and says:



"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on February 06, 2010, 10:04:53 PM
Irish Virginity Test Kit
Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."
Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"
The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.  If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on February 09, 2010, 06:13:08 AM
don't think this worked........

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qU4gXVEKfQI

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on February 09, 2010, 11:55:11 AM
don't think this worked........

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qU4gXVEKfQI



Oh Shit !
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on February 10, 2010, 06:54:24 AM
Subject: The blonde and the car salesmen

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.

One complained to the other, "Boy, business stinks.
If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my ass."

Then he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.

Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I can relate;  if I don't sell
more ass this month, I'm going to lose my car."

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on February 11, 2010, 06:04:00 AM
A large party of Taliban soldiers are moving down


a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune.

"One  Australian soldier is better than ten Taliban."


 

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of
his best soldiers over the dune ;

whereupon a gun-battle breaks out

and continues for a few minutes, then silence.


 

The same voice then calls out:

"One Australian is better than a hundred Taliban soldiers."

Furious, the Taliban Commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune


And instantly a huge gunfight commences.

After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

 

The A ussie voice called:

"One Australian is better than one thousand Taliban".

The enraged Taliban Commander musters a thousand fighters

and sends them over the dune.

Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire rings out
as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.


 

Finally, one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over
the sand-dune and, with his dying words, tells his commander,


"Don't send any more men, its a trap. There's two of them."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on February 12, 2010, 04:59:43 AM
mixed emotions


A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of “mixed emotions”. The husband turned to his wife and said, “Babe, that’s a bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.” She said: “Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on February 12, 2010, 05:44:10 AM
new posted for the corner   ;D ;D



(http://home.exetel.com.au/power/imagination.jpg)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 12, 2010, 04:07:03 PM
When you are down in the dumps...............

And think you have real PROBLEMS..........................


Just remember:


SOMEWHERE IN THIS WORLD THERE IS A MR. PELOSI


 :-X  :-X  :-X  :-X  :-X  :-X  :-X
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on February 12, 2010, 05:02:16 PM
When you are down in the dumps...............

And think you have real PROBLEMS..........................


Just remember:


SOMEWHERE IN THIS WORLD THERE IS A MR. PELOSI




The poor bastard.

 :-X  :-X  :-X  :-X  :-X  :-X  :-X
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tumblebug on February 12, 2010, 05:12:22 PM
When you are down in the dumps...............

And think you have real PROBLEMS..........................


Just remember:


SOMEWHERE IN THIS WORLD THERE IS A     RICH     MR. PELOSI


 :-X  :-X  :-X  :-X  :-X  :-X  :-X
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 12, 2010, 08:55:53 PM
PREGNANT AT 71

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down

the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,

 

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 12, 2010, 09:06:57 PM
I got some new deodorant, the instructions said
"REMOVE CAP AND PUSH UP BOTTOM"
...I can barely walk But When I Fart it Smells Amazing
;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: bulldog75 on February 12, 2010, 09:07:40 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on February 13, 2010, 05:37:19 AM
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is! the difference between a
Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough
Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a
new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have
no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine
and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out
she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move
to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make
eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schoolsuse the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple
that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when
an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the
flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between
a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal
on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little
80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between
a no rthern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s....t"

Why is ther e no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on February 14, 2010, 03:06:40 AM
Do you have a vagina?

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.

She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He
asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?'. She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man
and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'. She
slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has
happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving
and concerned voice 'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in
case this guy shows up again'.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the
door... The husband whispers to his wife 'Honey, I'm going to hide
behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to
answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with
it'.

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same
fellow is standing there and asks the same question. 'Do you have
vagina?'

'Yes' she says.

The man replies 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my
wife's alone, and start using yours!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on February 14, 2010, 11:34:14 AM
 
I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little
whiskey in its mouth

His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

Life is good here in Florida !
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on February 15, 2010, 03:25:13 PM
Ole  is a farmer in Minnesota . He is in need of a new milk  cow and
> hears about a nice one for sale over in  Nordakota
> (that  would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out  there).
>
> He  drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the  cow.
>
> He reaches under to see if the cow  gives milk.
>
> When he grabs a teat and  pulls....the cow farts.
>
> Surprised, Ole  looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then
> reaches under to try again.
>
> He grabs  another teat, pulls, and the cow farts  again.
>
> Milk does come out however, so  after some discussion with the cow's
> current owner,  Ole decides to buy the cow.
>
> When he gets  back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor, Sven,
> and says, 'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow  I yust bought.
> Pull her teat, and see vat  happens.'
>
> Sven reaches under, pulls the  teat...the cow farts..
>
> Sven looks at Ole  and says, You bought dis here cow over in
> Nordakota,  didn't yah?'
>
> Ole is very surprised since  he hadn't told Sven about his trip.
>
> Ole  replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how did yah  know?'
>
> Sven says, 'My wife is from  Nordakota.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on February 15, 2010, 03:44:46 PM
Quote
Why did OJ Simpson want to move
to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.


WHy did OJ Simpson want his murder trial moved to Dallas?

He wanted to go somewhere where the natives knew NOTHING about NFL football.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on February 21, 2010, 05:26:46 PM
Guy  goes into a bar.  There's a robot bartender.

The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."

The robot brings back the best martini ever, and
 says to the man,

"What's your IQ ?"  The guy says,  "168."

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics,
space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he's curious.

So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" 

The  guy says, "Martini."

Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives
 it to the man, and says,

"What's your IQ?"  The guy says, "100."

The robot then starts to talk about Nascar,
 Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting,
so he thinks he will try it one more time.

He goes back into the bar.   The robot says,
"What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings 
 him another great martini.

The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
   
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close, and says,

"So, you people still happy you voted for
Obama?" 


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on February 22, 2010, 09:37:13 AM
Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A
 FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.  I'm scared.  I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the
doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears
you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a  new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'


SCREW THOSE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!
 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on February 23, 2010, 02:31:12 PM
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman
And determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch
Hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job.
One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You
should go into town and kick up your
heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my stockings.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'




I didn't see it coming, either! ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on February 24, 2010, 11:21:56 AM
Garage Door - The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his
zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him
and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage
door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked
into
his office puzzled by the question.     
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and
zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage
door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my
garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two
flat tires..
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: FSBARAK on February 27, 2010, 03:58:35 PM
Word Power - New Words for the Week

1) Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

2) Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into
your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

3) Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating.

4) Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

5) Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a bug
in the fruit you're eating.

6) Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

7) Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem
smarter when you come at them rapidly.

8) Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've
been abducted and experimented upon.

9) Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.

10) Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which
lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on February 28, 2010, 04:19:47 PM
I went down this morning to sign up my Dog for welfare.

At first the lady said, Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare.  So I explained to her that my Dog is unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no clue who his Daddy is.  So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

 

My Dog gets his first check Friday. 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on March 01, 2010, 12:33:18 PM
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about
50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary
man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were
about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the
curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said, 'I
am so sorry for your loss, and this may be
a bad time to disturb you, but
I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.

''What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog
attacked and killed her'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the
second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying
to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and
thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man replied, 'Get in line.'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: FSBARAK on March 02, 2010, 12:32:22 AM

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. How long will this take?" I asked "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on March 02, 2010, 12:25:15 PM
 Blonde from Cork, Ireland

 

          An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

         She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'. With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
         As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!' She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

         The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked "What did she roll?' The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

     MORAL OF THE STORY -
         Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on March 02, 2010, 10:28:24 PM
If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come

 they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on March 03, 2010, 04:57:49 PM
If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come

 they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?


She's just tired from the vacation, dude!!  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on March 03, 2010, 10:05:00 PM
Keeping Women Happy


It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes



HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

2. Bring alcohol

Heading for the corner again... ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MinotBob on March 04, 2010, 05:42:17 AM
An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.

"Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks. "$100," she
replies.

In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?" "No" she says.

"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style." "No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.

"I pay you $400." "No," she says.

So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style." She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now.

I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?"

So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting
something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"

The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."


AND THAT MY FRIENDLY TAXPAYERS, IS EXACTLY HOW THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE SCREWING US!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 05, 2010, 08:00:37 AM
Obama Angry with Texas:

Says he'll never come back here and will do all he can to convince us to secede! Here's why...THEY SAY THIS HAPPENED IN WACO!!!

Obama will be making no more public speeches in Texas ..... He claims every time he gets up on stage to make a speech, some damn South Texas cotton farmer starts bidding on him.
 ;D

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: garand4life on March 05, 2010, 08:11:36 AM
Obama Angry with Texas:

Says he'll never come back here and will do all he can to convince us to secede! Here's why...THEY SAY THIS HAPPENED IN WACO!!!

Obama will be making no more public speeches in Texas ..... He claims every time he gets up on stage to make a speech, some damn South Texas cotton farmer starts bidding on him.
 ;D



Wow the bidding was THAT low!!! I knew the guy had an ego the size of Texas but I never thought he would be so pissed at the fact everybody's broke.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on March 05, 2010, 09:12:53 AM
Keeping Women Happy


It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes



HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

2. Bring alcohol

Heading for the corner again... ;D ;D

I may have missed it, but I think you forgot that a husband must be a mind reader.

Is there room in the corner for me?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 05, 2010, 11:37:03 AM
I may have missed it, but I think you forgot that a husband must be a mind reader.

Is there room in the corner for me?

One of the recliners has your name on it.
And it's close to the Kegerator !  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on March 06, 2010, 04:25:38 PM
(http://static.funnyjunk.com/pictures/hand6.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 06, 2010, 10:08:48 PM
You are a sick, sick man......funny.....but sick.   ;D  ;D  ;D




Says the laughing fat man........
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: brosometal on March 07, 2010, 02:42:31 AM
(http://static.funnyjunk.com/pictures/hand6.jpg)

Just so you know, I laughed so loud that I stirred a few folks that were asleep.  As stated above, sick, twisted, and funny.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 08, 2010, 07:58:04 AM
Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory in California has now identified
with certainty the heaviest element known to science.

The new element, Pelosium (PL), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88
deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant
deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are
held together by forces called morons,
which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called
peons. Pelosium is inert, and has no charge
and no magnetism. Nevertheless, it can be detected because it impedes
every reaction with which it comes into
contact. A tiny amount of Pelosium can cause a reaction that would
normally take less than a second, to take from
4 days to 4 years to complete. Pelosium has a normal half-life of 2 years.
It does not decay, but instead undergoes
a biennial reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and
deputy neutrons exchange places.
Pelosium mass will increase over time, since each reorganization will
promote many morons to become isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe
that Pelosium is formed whenever morons
reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to
as critical morass. When catalyzed with money,
Pelosium becomes Senatorium, an element that radiates just as much energy
as Pelosium since it has half as many
peons, but twice as many morons.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on March 08, 2010, 11:26:57 AM
You are a sick, sick man......funny.....but sick.   ;D  ;D  ;D
Says the laughing fat man........
Just so you know, I laughed so loud that I stirred a few folks that were asleep.  As stated above, sick, twisted, and funny.   ;D

FWIW, I still laugh so hard I start crying whenever I see that panel. I don't know why, but I am honored and pleased to know that others find that as sick and funny as I do.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 08, 2010, 04:59:14 PM
A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.



  A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
  big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
  and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
  doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on March 08, 2010, 06:44:45 PM
M'ette what's your point?

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Walter45Auto on March 08, 2010, 10:31:49 PM
 A young Texan grew up wanting to be a law man. He grew up big, 6' 2'', and strong as a longhorn and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally became of age he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff’s Department.
>
>

> After a big mess of tests and interviews the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.
>
>
> The Chief Deputy says: "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good. But we have what you call an 'attitude suitability test' that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge son."
>
>
>
> Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief says:
>
>
>
> "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:
>
>
>
>
> six illegal aliens,
>
>
> six lawyers,
>
>
> six meth dealers,
>
>
> six Muslim extremists,
>
>
> and a rabbit."
>
>
>
>
>
> "Why the rabbit?"
>
>
>
>
>
> "Great attitude," says the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: FSBARAK on March 09, 2010, 01:47:04 AM
Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the
UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest
opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the
world?" The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In
Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In Africa
they didn't know what "food" meant. In China they didn't know
what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what
"solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please"
meant. In the U. S. they didn't know what "the rest of the world"
meant. And in Canada they hung up because they couldn't understand
the researcher's Indian accent.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: FSBARAK on March 09, 2010, 05:07:31 PM
A Kentucky farmer's wife came home just in time to find her
husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength,
borne of fury, and raising kids, she dragged him down the stairs,
out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn. She
put his tally-whacker in a vice, and then secured it tightly and
removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw. The
banged up farmer was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're
not going to cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?" The wife,
with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's
hand and said, "Hell no, I'm going to set this old shed on fire,
and go to Zeke's for a cold beer. You do whatever you want!!!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on March 11, 2010, 05:50:30 AM
Police Really Do Care


The NY Police Department reported finding a man's body floating
inthe Hudson River, near the George Washington Bridge.

The man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excess beer consumption, combined
with a huge drug overdose.

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pinkG-string,
a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a "Obama "Change" " t-shirt.
He also had a cucumber in his rectum.

Police removed the Obama t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: JC5123 on March 11, 2010, 05:49:55 PM

Black Testicles

A male patient who recently arrived to the U.S. from Ireland ,
 was lying in a hospital bed,
wearing an oxygen mask over his
mouth and nose,
still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure
A young student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.
Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my
testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies
'I don't know,Sir.
I'm only here to wash
your upper body.'
He struggles to ask again,
'Nurse, are my
testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her
embarrassment and sheepishly
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his
tool in one hand and his
testicles in the other,
lifting and moving them
around and around gently.
Then, she takes a close look and says,
'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong
with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask,
smiles at her and
says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was
wonderful, but listen
very, very closely.....

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 11, 2010, 10:14:30 PM
A blond is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory.
The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00am.

The next day at 8:45 am, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.

The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmo's are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmo's and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically.
After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 12, 2010, 01:42:17 PM
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of an old disease...it is called Gonorrhea Lectim.
It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'im."

Many victims contracted it in 2008...but now most that where infected for the past 1-2 years are starting to realize how bad this is.

It's sad because ...it is so easily cured with a new procedure just coming on the market called Vo-tem-out!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: FSBARAK on March 12, 2010, 08:41:35 PM
A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.

The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman
sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

"That laundry is not very clean," she said. "She doesn't know how
to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap." Her
husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young
woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean
wash on the line and said to her husband: "Look, she has learned
how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?"

The husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our
windows."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on March 12, 2010, 11:34:19 PM
A husband who cares and understands!

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Christine. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Christine to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work and although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out twice is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Christine. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will even find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older...

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other...
Signed,

Jim

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Jim died suddenly on January 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Christine was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting in her defense that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 13, 2010, 06:55:30 PM


 
God said, ' Adam ,
I want you to do
Something for Me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly,
Lord, what do You
Want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down
Into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'

God explained it to
Him. Then God said,
'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a River?'

God explained that
To him, and then said,
'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a
Hill?'

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam , 'On
The other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'

After God explained,
He said, 'In the cave
You will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'

So God explained
That to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I
Want you to
Reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do
I do that?'

God first said (under
His breath), 'Geez.....'

And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to
Adam , as well.

So, Adam goes down
Into the valley,
Across the river, and
Over the hill, into the
Cave, and finds the
Woman.

Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.

God, His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, 'What is it
Now?'

And Adam said....

*

*

(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE THIS!!!!!!)

*

*

*

*

*

'What's a headache
 
 
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on March 14, 2010, 04:01:37 AM
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f... are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 15, 2010, 10:44:45 AM
Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.


One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill,
but one day, Sam approached the park and there sat Bill!
 Sam was very happy to see him and said, 'For crying out loud Bill, where have you been?'

Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'
 'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
 'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

 :D :D :D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on March 15, 2010, 11:24:03 AM
 A man and  his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on  the
door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a  drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is  asking for a push.

      "Not a chance," says the  husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

      He slams  the door and returns to bed.

      "Who was that?"  asked his wife..

      "Just some drunk guy asking for a  push," he answers.

      "Did you help him?" she  asks.

      "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning  and it is pouring rain out
there!"

      "Well, you have a short  memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember
about three  months ago when we broke down, and those two guys
helped  us?

      I think you should help him, and you should be  ashamed of yourself!"

      The man does as he is told,  gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding  rain.

      He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you  still there?"

      "Yes," comes back the  answer.

      "Do you still need a push?" calls out the  husband.

      "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the  dark.

      "Where are you?" asks the  husband.

      "Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on March 15, 2010, 12:39:30 PM
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a law man. He grew up big, 6' 2'', and strong as a longhorn and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally became of age he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.
After a big mess of tests and interviews the Chief Deputy finally called him Into his office for the young man's last interview.
The Chief Deputy says: "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good. But we
have what you call an 'attitude suitability test' that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let just anyone carry our badge, son." 
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:
Six illegal aliens, Six lawyers,  Six drug dealers, Six Muslim extremists, Six democrats, And a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude. You pass." says the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"
                 
                 



             

     
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on March 16, 2010, 11:19:35 AM
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.  One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.

Little Johnny asked, " Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Walter45Auto on March 16, 2010, 12:41:14 PM

After a President has been in office for one year it is customary  for the
Last President to send a note of congratulations to  the new one.

So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President  was
Somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all  it said was:

370H-SSV-0773H

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former 
president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly  challenged.

So he took the note to his wife.  She was unable to decipher  it.

They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message.   
They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret  Service
detail and they were unable to determine the meaning  of the
note.

Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House. 

They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded  message.

Now there was complete panic in the Oval  Office.

They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of  the
note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with  an answer.

A special emergency meeting was called by the  staff.

All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were  called
in, and the best minds were unable crack the  code.

After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked up the 
phone and called the former president, and asked him the  meaning of the note.

George Bush chuckled and replied:
'Bud ..... you're holding it upside down!' 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Walter45Auto on March 16, 2010, 12:42:17 PM
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a law man. He grew up big, 6' 2'', and strong as a longhorn and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally became of age he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.
After a big mess of tests and interviews the Chief Deputy finally called him Into his office for the young man's last interview.
The Chief Deputy says: "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good. But we
have what you call an 'attitude suitability test' that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let just anyone carry our badge, son." 
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:
Six illegal aliens, Six lawyers,  Six drug dealers, Six Muslim extremists, Six democrats, And a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude. You pass." says the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"
                 
                 



             

     


Copycat.  ;D (I posted this one on the last page.)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 16, 2010, 04:04:44 PM
A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the  local Chinese
Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag  with the next
collection of soiled clothes:
  "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
 
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results,
 
so the following week she enclosed another note: "USE
MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
 
The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was
delivered, it contained a note from HIM:  "I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES.
USE MORE PAPER ON ASS

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dagger53 on March 16, 2010, 05:05:50 PM
In my time on this earth I have learned one thing, if you accidentally shut your wife and dog in the trunk of the car, when you come back three hours later and let them out, the dog is the only one happy to see you.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on March 17, 2010, 10:20:52 AM
The Sheriff and The Farmer
     
Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America . Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.

When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone, including the President.

They spotted a lone farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." The farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off his motor.

"Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States ?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the mornin'."

"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff shouted.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.

"He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on March 17, 2010, 01:09:39 PM
THE BAR

 
 

 
 

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. 
 He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. 
 He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus.."
  The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks,
 "What are the three tests?"   
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:   
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."



"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth.  You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."   
 
 "Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex.  You have to take care of that problem."



The man is stunned!  "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! 
 I won't do it!  You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is.."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.. 
 Tears stream down both cheeks  -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. 
 Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight  -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. 
His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.   
He drunkenly says,
 
"Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"   
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on March 17, 2010, 01:37:29 PM
The Haircut

   One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

 

    After the cut, he asked about his bill,
and the barber replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week."

   The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the  next morning, there was a "thank you" card
and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.


   Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week."

   The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a "thank you" card and a
dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

   Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week."

   The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

   And that, my friend, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: deepwater on March 19, 2010, 09:59:13 AM
PURE GENIUS

  When girls don't put out!!


Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.  Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on March 19, 2010, 10:43:01 AM
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.

Yeah, right. You got that going for ya, you betcha!   ;D

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: FSBARAK on March 20, 2010, 01:02:58 AM
Blind Cowboy

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on March 20, 2010, 07:50:27 AM
Blind Cowboy

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

And M'ette is blonde and armed ... You best get your explanation ready before she reads this  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: FSBARAK on March 20, 2010, 09:04:38 AM
Well, if I'm going to be on the bad side, I may as well go all the way.

Origin of the White Wedding Dress


Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: deepwater on March 20, 2010, 09:36:26 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: seeker_two on March 20, 2010, 10:32:40 AM
PURE GENIUS

  When girls don't put out!!


Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.  Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.


deepwater:  you are now my personal hero....  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on March 20, 2010, 10:46:20 AM
Hella of a lot braver than me too!  LOL!!!!

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: FSBARAK on March 20, 2010, 08:50:32 PM
Students in an Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last
question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk, worth 70 points or
none at all. One student , in particular, was hard put to think of seven
advantages.
He wrote:
1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the
bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...
7.) It comes in cute containers.
He got an A!


Of course, if my wife ever reads the last few I've posted, I'll never see number 7 again.   ;)

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...
Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on March 21, 2010, 01:21:25 AM
a Little Aussie humour that will no doubt offend someone  ;)


* I'm living next door to an aboriginal couple at the moment. They have 3 little kids and they've challenged me to a water fight in the back yard, so I'm just writing to you while the kettle boils!

* Can you spare just $2? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia. He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video - its f....k hilarious.

* I've caught a stray parrot in my garden. All he says is, "Good morning you ugly twat !" It's not yours is it?

* I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations. Just had one from the sperm bank. f..k, did I give her a mouthful !

* Been to the optometrist today - he told me I was colour blind. I'm f....k worried now that some of my mates could be coons. If you are, can you delete my number? Ta

* Husband says to his wife, "Do you fancy playing a rape game?" Wife says, "No". Husband replies, "That's the spirit!"

* There's a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market: Tricoxagin.

* I failed my biology exam today. I was asked to name 2 things commonly found in cells. Apparently, aboriginals and Lebanese rapists is not the correct answer.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Walter45Auto on March 21, 2010, 02:49:56 AM
deepwater:  you are now my personal hero....  ;D

What do ya wanna bet he didn't come up with it? ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on March 21, 2010, 07:52:52 AM
What do ya wanna bet he didn't come up with it? ;D

Maybe he did and that is why he escaped to a life at sea.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: FSBARAK on March 21, 2010, 09:13:34 AM
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went
to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from
the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no
need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father ... She started to repay me with sexual
favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sunday.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago, and by doing what you did,
you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However,
if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.


'Should I tell her the war is over?''
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on March 22, 2010, 09:04:07 AM
A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

Man's Prayer (Please note the tone of thankfulness rather than want!)

Thank you God for T*ts, A*s, and Laryngitis  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on March 22, 2010, 02:26:04 PM

    Finally agreement reached in the middle east!

     



             

            A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they
        came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On
        the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but
        less serious state.
           
            The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to
        both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
           
            The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along
        the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw
        each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled
        to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got
        what he deserved. And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying,
        good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American.
           
            So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid,
        mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does
        Nancy Pelosi!"
           
            "And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands,
        when a truck hit us."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on March 22, 2010, 03:56:25 PM
*I took a Cadillac Escalade  out for a test drive just to drive that
sucker before they become extinct.*



*The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and all its
wonderful options.  The seats were of particular interest.  He
explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter
and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

I stated the car must be a Republican car.  Looking a bit angry, he
asked why I thought it was a Republican car. I explained that if it
was a Democrat car,  the seats would blow smoke up your ass
year-round.

I had to walk a long way back to the dealership...*
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: FSBARAK on March 23, 2010, 10:30:20 AM
Here’s my concern for 2010:

3 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow… Mad Cow disease.

2 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird… Avian flu.

This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig… Swine flu.

Next year is the year of the cock… Anybody else worried?



-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


We must limit politicians to two terms: …. one in office and one in jail.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: FSBARAK on March 23, 2010, 02:05:43 PM
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME - WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
That is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 23, 2010, 10:37:54 PM
Sen. Reid goes to a local GM dealer in Washington, D.C. with the intention of buying a brand new vehicle.  Harry looks around and finds one he likes.   
After going back and forth with the salesman, Harry settles on a price of $45,000.
Harry and the salesman go back to the office to complete the paperwork. Harry works out a 4-year payment plan, and signs on the bottom line.   
The salesman shakes Harry's hand and says, "Thanks Senator Reid, the car will be ready for pickup in 4 years."
Harry says, "What are you talking about? Where are the keys to my new car?"
The salesman replies, "No, you don't understand Senator. You make payments for 4 years... THEN we give you the car. You know, just like your health plan".
Harry, with a choking voice, says to the salesman, "But that's not fair".
The salesman replies without any doubt or embarrassment: "NO SHIT!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 24, 2010, 01:17:10 PM
To:    The American Public   
 
Subject:   Position Statement of the U.S. Economy with Reference to US Sailors!
                                                                 
 

   1. We in retirement take exception to everyone saying that

        Bernanke, Obama, Reid and Pelosi are spending like drunken sailors………

 

   2. When we were drunken sailors, we quit when we ran out of money.

 

  This is so well said!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 24, 2010, 01:19:57 PM
Bill,

Where's the joke?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 24, 2010, 02:23:09 PM
Haz,
I'm a soldier not a sailor. So, everything about sailors is a joke. Didn't you know that.
And, after Sunday, I have changed profoundly. I will no longer vote for or defend anyone with a (D) again.
I fired the Republicans quite sometime ago. But, now I will send them money again.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: garand4life on March 24, 2010, 02:55:57 PM
I would give some credit to the Dems that voted against this but, I know they only did it for "self preservation". Every single representative that allowed this bill to pass should be tried for corruption and then brought up on criminal charges for actively undermining the Constitution and the security of the country. And if no such law exists than good old fashion crimes against common sense will work and I vote for the penalty being to send them all to Venezuela or Iran and let those commie bastards deal with them. Being like minded and such our treasonous "officials" should fit right in (the noose).
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on March 24, 2010, 07:53:38 PM
 A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the
Boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?'

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son.
Men use them to have safe sex.''

Oh I see,' replied the boy.' Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.'
He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and asks,

'Why are there 3 in this package?'

The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one For Sunday.

'Cool' says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?'

Those are for college men,' the dad answers,
'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.'

'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 Pack.


With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,

'Those are for Married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on March 25, 2010, 08:38:30 AM
After a long night of making love
the guy notices a photo of another man   
on the woman's nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?'
he nervously asks.

'No, silly,'
she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?'
he continues.

'No, not at all,'
she says, nibbling away at his ear.


'Is it your dad or your brother?'
he inquires, hoping to be reassured.


'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!'
she answers.

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?'
he demands.

She whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery.'   
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 25, 2010, 12:18:54 PM
Children Writing About the Ocean... ;D ;D

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend
any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs.
(Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom , and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he
quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 25, 2010, 10:16:38 PM
Quote
5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.

Sounds like some politicians we know.........   :P
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MinotBob on March 26, 2010, 12:01:05 AM

The Plane's Wrong Turn

During a taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a
wrong turn and came nose-to-nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller
(a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming, "US Air 2771, where are you
going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxi way; you turned right on
'Delta.' Stop right there. I know it's difficult to tell the difference between
a C and a D, but get it right."

Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically, "You've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this
out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect
progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour, and I want you to go exactly
where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air
2771?"

Naturally, the "ground control" frequency went terribly silent until an unknown
male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?" 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Walter45Auto on March 26, 2010, 02:29:41 AM
Children Writing About the Ocean... ;D ;D


Some of those are just plain wrong.... ::) All of them however, are hilarious!   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on March 27, 2010, 05:26:23 PM
I really was peed off when I lost out on winning the pub quiz by one point. The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"









 

Apparently it's Africa !!!!!!!!!!!.

 

 

Yep, I got it wrong as well. ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on March 28, 2010, 11:00:18 PM
 A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
 
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
 
'Breast-fed,' she replied.  'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
 
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
 
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight, you don't have any milk.' 
 
 I know she said, I'm his Grandma,  but I'm glad I came in!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 29, 2010, 10:43:25 AM
A  guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program..

The  next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands  before him a voluptuous, athletic,  19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike  running shoes and a sign around  her neck.

She  introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.  The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can  have me.'

Without  a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he  finally gives up..

The  same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On  the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he  has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He  calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound  program.

The  next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the  most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his  life.. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a  sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can  have me'.

Well,  he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So  for the next four days, the same routine happens with him  gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much  to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He  decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the  7-day/50 pound program.  'Are you sure?' asks the  representative on the phone... 'This is our most rigorous  program.'

'Absolutely,'  he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in  years.'

The  next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it  he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing  but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that  reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He  lost 63 pounds that week.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 31, 2010, 10:20:07 AM
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND
THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.


A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'


THE OLDER W OMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD    TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO
THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.


THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....I'M GETTING A FAX!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 01, 2010, 11:03:10 PM
Adam and Eve are having sex, when they get done Eve goes down to the river to wash.
Adam is hanging out in the Garden waiting for her to come back when God comes along, "Adam", says God,"I've been meaning to have a talk with you and EVE . Where is she any way ?" Adam explains they had been procreating as instructed and went to wash in the river. God says, "Crap ! I'll never get that darn smell out of the fish. "


The Pope and Bill Clinton die on the same day.
Due to a paperwork mix up Clinton goes to haven and the Pope goes to Hell.
His Holiness talks to "his unholiness" and explains there has been a mix up.
The Devil replies that that is pretty obvious and it is a PITA for him as well, so he will have his people and Gods people do lunch and straighten it out.
Soon enough Bill gets dropped and the Pope gets his Raise as they are passing in the middle the Pope say's "I'm  glad they worked this out, I look forward to meeting the Virgin Mary."
Bill replies, " To late."



Farmer walks into the patent office plunks down an apple and says he wants a patent on it, Clerk says, I can't give you a patent on a fruit. Farmers says, Taste it.
WOW !, That tastes like an Orange ! exclaims the Clerk.
Turn it around. the Farmer tells him.
WOW ! That tastes JUST LIKE a plum !
The Clerk thinks for a minute and says Come back in 30 days  that tastes like P--sy and I will find some way to get you a patent.
30 days later the Farmer shows up and sets an Apple on the Clerks desk, he takes a bite and spits it out, UGH, Yuck, That tastes like crap !
Turn it around the Farmer said.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: JC5123 on April 07, 2010, 10:17:20 AM
Old one, but funny. LANGUAGE WARNING!!! :o

Of course, I always thought a better name for this sport would be DAMMIT!!!  ;D

Title: Have a laugh on me
Post by: rojawe on April 08, 2010, 09:27:28 AM



Sen. Reid goes to a local GM dealer in Washington , D.C. with the intention of buying a brand new vehicle.  Harry looks around and finds one he likes. After going back and forth with the salesman, Harry settles on a price of $45,000.
 

Harry and the salesman go back to the office to complete the paperwork.  Harry works out a 4-year payment plan and signs on the bottom line.
 

 

The salesman shakes Harry’s hand and says, “Thanks Senator Reid, the car will be ready for pickup in 4 years.”   


Harry says, “What are you talking about?  Where are the keys to my new car?”
 

 

The saleman replies,"No, you don't understand Senator.  You make payments for 4 years.  THEN we give you the car.   You know,  just like your health plan." 
 

Harry, with a choking voice, says to the salesman, "But that's not fair". 
 

The saleman says, "NO SHIT!"
 

 
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on April 09, 2010, 06:23:12 PM
Three lady friends always meet for lunch on Thursdays.

One Thursday Anne says, "There's this thing, when I go down on my John, his balls are always cold."

Funny you should say that", says Mary. "my Franks balls are always cold too".

"EEAUUWWWWWWGHHHHHH" says Nancy, "that's disgusting. How can you both do that?"

So her friends tell Nancy that giving oral sex is the best way to keep her man from straying.

The following Thursday Anne and Mary are in the restaurant waiting for their friend to arrive.

In walks Nancy with a huge black eye.

"What happened to you?" Asks her two friends.

"Mike hit me." Came the reply.

"Why?" asked the girls.

"I don't know", says Nancy, "I was giving him head like you told me to, and all I said was, your balls aren't cold like Frank's and John's."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on April 09, 2010, 06:46:49 PM
WARNING   THIS ONE IS NSFW
 ;D ;D


I warned you


if you are still reading  don't blame me




last chance...





The guys wife says to him one afternoon, "hey honey, I'm feeling horny, how about we get it on with a sixty niner ??"
The guy replies, "sweety, I know it's your time of the month, I don't really feel comfortable doing that kind of thing !!"
Wife replies, "I really, really want you to do this, please can you do it for me ?"
The guy finally agrees & he gets down to business.
Mid way through the act he hears a knock at the door.
The guy sneaks a look out the window & sees a delivery van parked in his doorway.
He panics, runs around, & asks his wife what he can do.
She says, "just tell him you've been eating a messy raspberry sandwich !!"
He goes to the door & opens it, sees the delivery man & immediately starts making an apology.
"Mate, i'm sorry" he says, "but i've just been eating a very messy raspberry sandwich, sorry about my appearance !!"
The delivery man replies, "oh, no worries mate, I was more worried about the peanut butter on your forehead !!!!!"





yea I know    I was on my way to re-fill the fridge in the corner

Coopers anyone   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 11, 2010, 12:43:33 PM
I swear.. If I could stop gagging ..I would whup your ass boy!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on April 13, 2010, 09:29:10 AM
Life Without Farms...


A teacher in a Detroit kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes.


Little Tyrone stood up and yelled:

"FREEZE, M*****F*****!!"












I guess there aren't many farms in Detroit .      ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on April 13, 2010, 09:32:50 AM
Old one, but funny. LANGUAGE WARNING!!! :o

Of course, I always thought a better name for this sport would be DAMMIT!!!  ;D





I don't care who you are, that's funny right there!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on April 13, 2010, 10:07:27 AM


Language Warning In The Following Clips




Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: shooter32 on April 13, 2010, 10:52:40 AM
Nobody could tell it like Jerry!  ;D


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Walter45Auto on April 13, 2010, 12:01:45 PM
Life Without Farms...


A teacher in a Detroit kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes.


Little Tyrone stood up and yelled:

"FREEZE, M*****F*****!!"









I guess there aren't many farms in Detroit .      ;D

LMAO! I had to forward that one to some friends. ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 13, 2010, 02:55:24 PM
Thanks, Shooter......
I grew up listening to Ol' Jerry........they don't make 'em like him any more.   :D  :D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: shooter32 on April 13, 2010, 03:43:00 PM
Thanks, Shooter......
I grew up listening to Ol' Jerry........they don't make 'em like him any more.   :D  :D

I also grew up listening to him, could listen to him for hours!!  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: seeker_two on April 13, 2010, 04:45:40 PM
Life Without Farms...


A teacher in a Detroit kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes.


Little Tyrone stood up and yelled:

"FREEZE, M*****F*****!!"












I guess there aren't many farms in Detroit .      ;D

Sheer brilliance......  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steyr M40A1 on April 13, 2010, 08:42:19 PM
Ah Jerry Clower, that man was humor!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 14, 2010, 01:46:12 AM
 Jerry Clower, "The mouth of the Mississippi"  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: FSBARAK on April 14, 2010, 05:03:19 PM
The Homeless Man

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on April 15, 2010, 06:29:11 PM
Retiree Bathtub Test

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not a retiree should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the retiree and ask him or her to empty the bathtub"

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."






"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug.  Do you want a bed near the window?"

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on April 17, 2010, 09:53:45 PM
Change the Oil

Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!
'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'
The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'
Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we ain’t got done yet!'
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Murph, you just had yourself another boy!'
Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'
The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'
Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'
When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, 'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'
She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'
Murph said, 'I'll tell you, it's a bloody good thing we didn't use WD-40.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on April 18, 2010, 06:44:48 AM
Two women are chatting in an office.

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?

Woman 2: Yes.

Woman 1: Was it good?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairy tale!

.....



At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: You went home to have sex last night, did you score?

Husband 2: Yes it was great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, had sex with my wife and fell asleep. Perfect! How did you go?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because the electricity was cut, I hadn't paid the bill. Had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money for a cab. We walked home which took an hour - and when we get home I remember there is no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't climax for another hour. After I finally did, I was so ticked off that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on April 18, 2010, 10:26:10 PM
(http://img406.imageshack.us/img406/9977/15702101500907642550345.jpg)


I'm sure there is a joke there some where...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Walter45Auto on April 18, 2010, 10:31:02 PM
I'm sure there is a joke there some where...

Yeah but I'm not sure I want to hear it. :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on April 19, 2010, 01:03:41 AM
Yeah but I'm not sure I want to hear it. :o

come over in to the Corner..   I am sure we can work a few out :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: CJS3 on April 20, 2010, 09:21:35 PM
  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 21, 2010, 12:12:19 PM
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/cartoons/oldmen.jpg)

Tom and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every  day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world  problems.
 One day Tom didn't show up.  Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.  But after Tom hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.   
However, since the only time they ever  got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Tom lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.   
 A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Tom,  but one day, Sam approached the park and - lo and behold! – there sat Tom!   

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said,  'For crying out loud Tom, what in the world happened to you?' 
 
Tom  replied, 'I have been in jail.'
 
'Jail?!!??!!' cried  Sam. 'What in the world for?'
 
'Well,' Tom  said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?'
 
 'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her.  What about her?'
 
'Well,  she filed rape charges against me;  and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.....and the bloody judge gave me 30 days for perjury'!!!!!   
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 21, 2010, 12:47:07 PM
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/cartoons/FamilyPi11.jpg)

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/cartoons/file00022.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 21, 2010, 05:08:17 PM

We all remember the

"Hillary Meal;"  small breasts and big thighs.



Now, KFC has announced an addition to their chicken dinners.



It's called the

"Obama Cabinet Bucket

It consists of nothing but left wings and assholes.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on April 21, 2010, 05:16:05 PM
We all remember the

"Hillary Meal;"  small breasts and big thighs.



Now, KFC has announced an addition to their chicken dinners.



It's called the

"Obama Cabinet Bucket

It consists of nothing but left wings and assholes.




Bill, this thread is for JOKES, not salient observations.    ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MinotBob on April 22, 2010, 01:13:24 AM
An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.



The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.



He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"



The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.



The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.



The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.



The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.



The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.



The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and s aid, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."



There are a few lessons for us all here:


Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.



I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 22, 2010, 11:48:17 PM
Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, 'Male or female?'
Customer says, 'Female.'
Counter guy asks, 'Black or white?
Customer says, 'White.'
Counter guy asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'
Customer says, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'
Counter guy says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on April 23, 2010, 09:39:26 AM
How the world works lately...

If a man cuts his finger off while Slicing salami at work, He blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day For 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the Tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes Into a tree while driving home drunk, He blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, You blame television.

If your friend is shot by a Deranged madman, You blame the gun manufacturer..

And if a crazed person breaks Into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.



I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.



So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED ASS is parked in front of this computer, I want all of you to blame Bill Gates.

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on April 23, 2010, 09:45:36 AM
A farmer has been noticing his prize bull has not been performing up to it's usual standards lately.

He goes to a vet and the vet gives him some powder and tells him to add it to the bulls feed.

The next day, after eating the treated feed, the bull is back on top of  his game, even better than ever, running from cow to cow.

A neighbor, who was aware of the problem, notices the dramatic change in the bulls performance and asks the farmer what was done.

The farmer tells the neighbor about the vet and the powder.

The neighbor says  "WOW! What is that powder called?"

The farmer answers  "I don't know, but it tastes like licorice"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 24, 2010, 07:31:11 PM
A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile,and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. "'T-G-I-F' means Thank Goodness It's Friday. Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.'"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 24, 2010, 07:46:01 PM
On the first day, God created the dog and said,"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed . . .

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed . . .

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again . . .

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 25, 2010, 10:43:10 AM
      

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 25, 2010, 06:31:56 PM
Good one Tom. LMAO It is o so true.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 25, 2010, 06:33:11 PM
Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says........ .
 
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.  Ees bacon, I theenk."
 
"Is, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
 
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
 
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
 
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved.  Ees a bacon tree."
 
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage?  We ees in the desert don't  forget."
 
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of  a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
 
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree.  He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.  Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
 
"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
 
"Luis, Luis MI amigo... What ees it? "
 
"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree.  Ees
 
 
 
 Ees
 
 
 
 Ees
 
 
 
 Ees
 
 
 
 Ees a ham bush...."

  ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on April 26, 2010, 06:27:49 AM
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


JMHOFWIW

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kygunnut on April 26, 2010, 08:40:50 AM
 Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't
 need my help to leave the hospital.

 After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me  wheel him to the elevator.  On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.


"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kygunnut on April 26, 2010, 08:44:51 AM
A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The  father  said, "Stay here and be very QUIET.  I'll be across the field," 
 
A few minutes later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and  ran back  to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be  quiet," 
 
The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered  across my  feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.  I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.  I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.  I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat.  I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.  But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said,  "Should we eat them here or take them with us? 
 
Well, I guess I just panicked." 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: JC5123 on April 26, 2010, 12:32:32 PM
My first bow

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow
beginner kits. Of course, the first month i went around our land
sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did
you know that a 1955 40horse Farmall tractor will take 6 rounds
before it goes down? Tough sumbich.

That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazzard fan that i
was, i quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up Tshirt doused in
chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all
over the place. Keep in mind this was 99.999% humidity swampland so
there really wasnt any fire danger. Ill put it this way- a set of
post hole diggers and a 3ft. hole and you had yourself a well.

One summer afternoon, i was shooting flaming arrows into a large
rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport
and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (ether). The light
bulb went off. I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought
that it would probably just spray out in a dissapointing manner...
lets face it to a 10 yr. old mouthbreather like myself ether really
doesnt "sound" flammable. So, i went back into the house and got a 1
pound can of pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles).

At this point, i set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the
can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit
around the ether can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie...
1lb pyrodex and 16oz ether should make a loud pop, kinda like a
firecracker you know? You know what? to heckwith that. Im going back in the
house for the other can. Yes, i got a second can of pyrodex and
dumped it too. Now we're cookin'.

I stepped back about 15ft and lit the 2stroke arrow. I drew the nock
to my cheek and took aim. As i released i heard a clunk as the arrow
launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, i turned to see
my dad getting out of the truck... OH SHIT he just got home from
work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my
bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a
WTH look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time
to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom.
Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh. Shit.

When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I dont know if it
was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex
jerk back from 235  decibels of sound. I caught a half a
milisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and
i will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1ft
above the ground as far as i could see. It was like a little low to
the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a
crawfish or two. The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this...
THE  DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE. There was a big sweetgum tree
out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice i said "was". That
thang got up and ran off.

So here i am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my
thundercats Tshirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the
carport having what i can only assume is a vietnam flashback ECHO
BRAVO CHARLIE YOUR BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE DAMIT
CEASE FIRE!!!!! His hat has blown off and is 30 ft. behind him in
the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown
out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000ft over our
backyard. There is a Honda 185s 3 wheeler parked on the other side
of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching
the tires.

I wish i knew what i said to my dad at this moment. I dont know- i
know i said something. I couldnt hear. I couldnt hear inside my own
head. I dont think he heard me either... not that it would really
matter. I dont remember much from this point on. I said something,
felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain,
blacked out, woke later.... repeat this process for an hour or so
and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me
CPR so dad could beat me some more. Bring him back to life so dad
can kill him again. Thanks mom.

One thing is for sure... i never had to mow around that stump again.
Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did
anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business.
Dad sold his muzzloaders a week or so later. And i still have some
sort of bone growth abnormality either from the blast or the
beating. Or both.

I guess what im trying to say is, get your kids into archery. Its
good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in
life.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ratcatcher55 on April 26, 2010, 03:09:44 PM
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on… it doesn't matter to me. I just love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm in Congress too. What state are you from?"
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 26, 2010, 10:49:03 PM
Understanding Engineers One
 
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."  ;D :P
 
Understanding Engineers Two
 
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.  ;)
 
Understanding Engineers Three
 
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys?  We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea.  I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"  :)
 
Understanding Engineers Four
 
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.  ;D ;D 8)
 
Understanding Engineers Five
 
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"  ;D
 
Understanding Engineers Six
 
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"  :-[ :D ;D ;D ;D ;D
 
Understanding Engineers Seven
 
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.  ;)
 

Understanding Engineers Eight
 
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter?  I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."   ;D ;D ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on April 27, 2010, 10:03:48 AM
The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a Methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question. "Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?" I replied I had a drug problem when I was young:

    * I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.
    * I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.
    * I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.
    * I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.
    * I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity.
    * I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds and cocklebur's out of dad's fields.
    * I was drug to the homes of family, friends and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.

Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.

God bless the parents who drugged us.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on April 27, 2010, 10:59:22 AM

God bless the parents who drugged us.


+100 Haz.  Respect is the key...and it comes from getting drugged a lot.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on April 27, 2010, 02:51:30 PM
Bill, two things about Engineers...

1.  You can tell an Engineer....but not much!

2.  To become an engineer you sit around with a pocket full of marbles.  Every few minutes you throw away a marble.  Finally, when you have lost all your marbles you are an Engineer!

Worked with them for years.

Richard

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 27, 2010, 03:35:35 PM
Bill, two things about Engineers...

1.  You can tell an Engineer....but not much!

2.  To become an engineer you sit around with a pocket full of marbles.  Every few minutes you throw away a marble.  Finally, when you have lost all your marbles you are an Engineer!

Worked with them for years.

Richard

+1 on that.

I am not an engineer by degree, but I spent many years doing their jobs for them. When a set of blueprints had to be checked over for accuracy and/or changes, the plant manager sent them to me first.

I used to piss off the 'real' engineers by asking 'how to kill an engineer'. Then I'd go on to tell them the best way was to put him in a rowboat in the middle of a pond and only give him one paddle........then let him starve to death.
 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 28, 2010, 08:40:21 AM
An oldie but goodie

 

 

 

Obama dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates.
He is very excited; all his life he's had a secret
wish and longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barack meets
a man with a beard.
'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.
'No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up.'
Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than
Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides,
climbs through the clouds coming to a room  where
he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'
'No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still.'
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs
the ladder yet again, he discovers an even larger room
where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?
'No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up.'
Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man! Obama can hardly
contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again, he reaches a larger room where he meets a man
with a beard and repeats his question:
'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps as he is, by now,
totally out of breath from all his climbing.
'No, my son....I am Almighty God. But you look
exhausted.  Would you like a cup of coffee..?'
'Yes! please, my Lord'
God looks behind him, claps his hands and yells
out: 'Hey Mohammed--  two coffees!'
Keep your trust in God;
Your government has failed you miserably

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ichiban on April 28, 2010, 10:56:12 AM
BMW Germany's campaign for their factory certified "pre-owned" cars.

(http://i755.photobucket.com/albums/xx191/saharrold/BMW.jpg)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on April 30, 2010, 08:24:42 AM
Epic and Honest Mobile Home Commercial

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on May 01, 2010, 05:26:31 AM
two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on penis one time."
"If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty times."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on May 01, 2010, 06:36:27 PM
Ad in the Personals Section .....................



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     personality, who can cook frogs
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Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Walter45Auto on May 03, 2010, 12:34:28 AM
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.     

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. 
 One student, however, wrote the following:   

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.   

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:     

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.   

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.   

So which is it?   

 
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.' 

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fightingquaker13 on May 03, 2010, 02:28:17 AM
An oldie but a goody. I'd have done the same. Sometimes, your students remind you that you are by no means the smartest guy in the room.  My first semester as a prof, I taught a class on revolution, dissent and counter insurgency from a political philosophy POV. The idea was to look at how governments gain, maintain and lose legitimacy.The main grade in the class was a 35 page paper to be handed in at the end. The last session was just review. I was teaching in a small basement room with exposed pipes, a low ceiling and cheap tables arranged in a rectangle making it difficult to get to the board. I asked for student comments on the books we had read so far and what they thought about the balance of coercsion and consent in maintaining state power. This mousy little hippie chick raises her hand and says "Here's what I think, but I need to use the board. Is that ok?". "Sure" says I. She then proceeds to get on top of the tables and duck walk (barefoot of course, because this was Earlham ::)) and makes her way to the black board, managing to look cute, but ridiculous and about 12 years old while doing so. Bzzt! Wrong answer. ;D Here she lined up the three schools of thought I'd tought, along with two others, with the authors opinions arrangd in a matrix in terms of individual agency, propaganda, weaponry, national cohesion, etc. It took her 5 minutes to lay it out. And this 5 foot nothing, one hundred pounds soaking wet, slip of a 19 year old girl, did a better job of conveying "How to be seriously dangerous to the government if you want to be" than I had in 15 weeks and many, many hours of prep work. Why write 35 pages if you can do it in less than 75 words on a blackboard? Grade? A+, no paper required. I still use that diagram 12 years later as a lecture guide! ;) Sometimes you just get lucky with a student. And if you are ever in power and a little Quaker girl named Elanor gets pissed at you? Be very, very afraid. ;D ;D ;D
FQ13 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on May 03, 2010, 11:08:05 AM
Can we recruit her ?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fightingquaker13 on May 03, 2010, 02:43:22 PM
Can we recruit her ?
I think she is a little too Quaker for us. Although, she did have a soft spot for the original IRA, and enjoyed the movie "The Battle of Algiers" more than any proper Quaker should, so maybe. ;D
FQ13
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: FillYerHands on May 04, 2010, 10:35:46 AM
Happy Star Wars Day.

May the 4th Be WIth You!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on May 04, 2010, 11:27:33 AM


Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic.  He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

 

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.  Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his

soulmate and true love.  Every date seemed better than the last.

 

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant.  While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you.  I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.  So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life-changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut.  I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV.  In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf.  If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for about the last five years, I've been a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied thoughtfully.  He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Walter45Auto on May 04, 2010, 01:29:34 PM
Two blondes are walking down the
street.  One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to
pick it up.  She opens it, looks in the mirror and says,

'Hmm,
this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me
see!'

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

The
second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Walter45Auto on May 04, 2010, 01:35:52 PM
 A Redneck from Texas walked into a bank in New York
 City and asked for the
 loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was
 going to Paris for an
 international redneck festival for two weeks and needed
 to borrow $5,000 and
 that he was not a depositor of the bank.

 The bank officer told him that the bank would need some
 form of security for
 the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new
 Ferrari. The car was
 parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck
 produced the title
 and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to
 hold the car as
 collateral for the loan and apologized for having to
 charge 12% interest.

 Later, the bank's president and its officers all
 enjoyed a good laugh at the
 Redneck from Texas for using a $250,000 Ferrari as
 collateral for a $5,000
 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari
 into the bank's private
 underground garage and parked it.

 Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the
 $5,000 and the
 interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are
 very happy to have
 had your business, and this transaction has worked out
 very nicely, but we
 are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked
 you out on Dunn &
 Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished
 Alumni from The University
 of Texas , a highly sophisticated investor and
 Multi-Millionaire with real
 estate and financial interests all over the world. Your
 investments include
 a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater ,
 Texas and oil wells
 through out the state. What puzzles us is, why would
 you bother to borrow
 $5,000?

 The good 'ole Texas boy replied, Where else in New York
 City can I park my
 car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be
 there when I return?






Hook 'Em Horns. ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: McGyver on May 05, 2010, 12:23:51 AM
This is a true story, honest to GOD!


I have a cousin that lives in Central Florida, and this is how the conversation went!

Myself and my father showed up at his house. (he did expect us after we called and said we were on our way from Ohio),
He knows that I'm into guns and says I can shoot as much as I want as long as I'm on his property! He has about 6acres and it's all good. He lives next to a 100acre nursery. The owner of the nursery says we can shoot as much as we like, but please don't shoot his "cans"! We both figured he meant the pots that they had sitting there full of everything from palm trees to grapefruit trees. As we were going through about 250rnds of .45, the owner of the nursery showed up with his .38,.357,.40, and .45! He then asked us if we minded if he shot with us, and of course we said "sure, I've got plenty of ammo and we'd love to have ya shoot with us."

We were doing some drills and after about 100rnds, the nursery owner says: "you didn't shoot at any of my 'cans', did you? My cousin and I both said no, we've just been shooting at our silouette targets! (pointed opposite direction from the nursery). 

He finished his mag of .40cal and looked us BOTH in the eye, and asked "are you SURE you haven't been shooting at my "cans"?

We both assured him we didn't do it and he proceeded to say: "I don't care about the pots or plants, but if'ns ya shoot at the mexi"cans", the Central ameri'cans', or the puerto ri"cans", I might have to get upset!




TRUTH!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Walter45Auto on May 05, 2010, 12:48:28 AM
A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were.



The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named
Timex.



Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"



"HellOOOOOOO," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: FillYerHands on May 05, 2010, 09:19:34 AM
New research has shed light on an obscure footnote in history.

Mayonnaise is a wonderful emulsion of oil, egg yolks, and seasonings, and has been made in France for centuries.  Most people don’t know that a hundred years ago the best mayonnaise in the world was made in Calais, France, and was bottled and sold throughout Europe.  Due to its limited shelf life, however, sales outside of Europe were pretty much ruled out.

In the early 1800's, when Spain lost control of Mexico to France, the leading families in Mexico were eager to fit in with the new rulers, and tried to adopt French cuisine, but about the only thing that was successfully accepted was mayonnaise.  Soon, people throughout the country fell in love with it, frequently adding their own local spices.

Then, in 1912, came the era of the Fast Luxury Liner, as the Titanic  prepared to make its maiden voyage.  Finally, the commercial mayonnaise prepared in Calais might be brought to Mexico.  A group of people in Mexico City arranged to purchase a shipment of 12,000 bottles and have them sent by a hired freighter from Calais to Plymouth, England, to be loaded aboard the Titanic  for shipment to Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

But as we know, the Titanic  did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg on the night of April 14, 1912, and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

With poor communications in those days, it took three weeks for word of the disaster to reach Mexico City, and the people were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on the anniversary of the arrival of the news, and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on May 05, 2010, 09:35:52 AM
*********GROAN!********
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on May 05, 2010, 03:58:24 PM
People have asked Snopes if that was true or not.  ::) 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steyr M40A1 on May 06, 2010, 12:06:55 PM
(http://www.enasco.com/prod/images/products/D9/AC043977.jpg)


Click http://www.jefferslivestock.com/ssc/product.asp?CID=2&pf_id=16150 (http://www.jefferslivestock.com/ssc/product.asp?CID=2&pf_id=16150) if you dont know what this is.

For those of you who do know that is it, I like to call mine the persuader, for when my daughter brings home her first boyfriend.

"Now son, you know that this is? Let me explain it for you!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on May 06, 2010, 12:31:52 PM
(http://www.enasco.com/prod/images/products/D9/AC043977.jpg)


Click HERE (http://"http://www.jefferslivestock.com/ssc/product.asp?CID=2&pf_id=16150") if you dont know what this is.

For those of you who do know that is it, I like to call mine the persuader, for when my daughter brings home her first boyfriend.

"Now son, you know that this is? Let me explain it for you!"


Better have smelling salts on hand.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on May 06, 2010, 02:36:33 PM
Is that how they harvest "Rocky Mountain Oysters"?

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on May 06, 2010, 04:24:30 PM
My dad threatened to use that on me and my brothers if we didn't settle down.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on May 06, 2010, 06:35:09 PM
Bad link, but I smiled when I saw it.

May have to get one - my 3 year old drand-daughter told a 5 year old stranger at the McDonald's play land today she loved him. Damn near snapped my neck turning around real quick!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on May 06, 2010, 06:59:44 PM
Bad link, but I smiled when I saw it.

May have to get one - my 3 year old drand-daughter told a 5 year old stranger at the McDonald's play land today she loved him. Damn near snapped my neck turning around real quick!

Probably the best snap judgment of a guy she will make in her life  :D :D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steyr M40A1 on May 06, 2010, 09:55:31 PM
Bad link, but I smiled when I saw it.

May have to get one - my 3 year old drand-daughter told a 5 year old stranger at the McDonald's play land today she loved him. Damn near snapped my neck turning around real quick!

Fixed the link.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on May 07, 2010, 06:27:49 AM
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on May 07, 2010, 02:05:42 PM
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on May 09, 2010, 01:36:35 PM
The 11th Husband....

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be
gentle; I'm still a virgin'.

'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten
times.?'

'Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it
was going to be.

'Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was
supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

'Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out
Diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

'Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he
didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

'Husband # 5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process, but he wanted
three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art
method.

'Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't
sure whether it was his job or not.

'Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure
how to position it.

'Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

'Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

'Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it - God I miss
him.’

'But now that I've married you, I'm so excited'.

'Wonderful', said the husband, 'but why?’

'Because you're with the GOVERNMENT,’ she said, ‘and
this time I KNOW I'M going to get thoroughly
SCREWED!'
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on May 10, 2010, 07:59:34 AM
Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
gloves.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.

 
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank
of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry,
then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

 
She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

 
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked.
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on May 10, 2010, 02:52:44 PM
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes
to the starving people throughout the world.  I told them to kiss my
ass!!  Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!



 
 
  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on May 10, 2010, 03:25:15 PM

>
>
>
>                                 A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
>                                 The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
>
>                                 Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
>
>                                 The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra high resolution photo.
>                                 The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
>                                 
>                                 Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
>                                 
>                                 Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
>                                 
>                                  "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
>                                 He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
>                                 
>                                 Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
>                                 
>                                 The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
>                                 "You work for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
>                                 
>                                 "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
>                                 
>                                  "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.  This is a herd of sheep. ....
>                                 
>                                 
>                                 Now give me back my dog!
>                                 



I think I may have posted this before. Too bad, I'm from the Government and I am here to help. It is still funny.



PS, I am retired and not really from the government anyway.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on May 12, 2010, 11:00:59 AM
The Psychic


Kristi was worried about her newest relationship, so she consulted a psychic.
The psychic told her, "I have some bad news. Yout boyfriend will be brutally murdered within the next month.
He will stabbed, shot and dragged behind a car. Then he will be set on fire. He will die a horrible death."

Kristi was taken aback and gasped, "Will I be convicted?"


 :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on May 13, 2010, 03:37:07 PM
TOO BAD AMIGO


A beautiful fairy appeared one day
             to a destitute Mexican refugee     
             outside an Arizona immigration     
             office.                           
                                               
             "Good man," the fairy said, "I've 
             been sent here by President Obama 
             and told to grant you three       
             wishes, since you just arrived in 
             the United States with your wife   
             and eight children."               
                                               
            The man told the fairy,  "Well,   
             where I come from we don't have   
             good teeth, so I want new teeth,   
             maybe a lot of gold in them."     
                                               
             The fairy looked at the man's     
             almost toothless grin and --       
             PING!-- he had a brand new shining
             set of gold teeth in his mouth!   
                                               
             "What else?" asked the fairy, "Two
             more to go."                       
                                               
             The refugee claimant now got       
             bolder.  "I need a big house with 
             a three-car garage in Annapolis on
             the water with eight bedrooms for 
             my family and the rest of my       ;
             relatives who still live in my     
             country..  I want to bring them   
             all over here" --- and -- PING!-- 
             in the distance there could be     
             seen a beautiful mansion with a   
             three-car garage, a long driveway,
             and a walkout patio with a BBQ in 
             an upscale neighborhood           
             overlooking the bay.               
                                           
             "One more wish," said the fairy,   
             waving her wand.                   
                                               
             "Yes, one more wish.  I want to be
             like an American with American     
             clothes instead of these torn     
             clothes, and a baseball cap       
             instead of this sombrero.  And I   
             want to have white skin like       
             Americans" ---and --- PING! -- The
             man was transformed - wearing     
             worn-out jeans, a Baltimore       
             Orioles T-shirt, and a baseball   
             cap.  He had his bad teeth back   
             and the mansion had disappeared   
             from the horizon.                 
                                               
             "What happened to my new teeth?"   
             he wailed. "Where is my new       
             house?"                           
                                               
             THIS IS GOOD . . . . . . . .       
                                               
             NO, ACTUALLY THIS IS VERY GOOD   .
             . . . . . .                       
                                               
             The fairy said:                   
             "Tough shit, Amigo, now that you   
             are a white American, you have to 
             fend for yourself."   
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on May 13, 2010, 03:47:13 PM
Worke for me!

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on May 15, 2010, 06:45:50 AM
From today's www.lucianne.com (http://www.lucianne.com):

(http://www.lucianne.com/images/lucianne/DailyPhoto/2010-05-15.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on May 15, 2010, 07:04:57 AM
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit Pakistan.
Two million Pakistanis died and over a million injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.

The USA is sending troops to help.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

Australian’s, not to be outdone, are sending two million replacement Pakistanis.
God Bless Australian generosity!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fightingquaker13 on May 15, 2010, 07:20:20 AM
Can they use some Mexicans and Guatemalans? I'll even throw in some leaf blowers and weed whackers.
FQ13 who is going straight to hell for that ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on May 15, 2010, 07:30:01 AM
I hear the Iguana population in Pakistan could use a boost  :D :D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on May 15, 2010, 07:36:51 AM
MAN TEST

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet... .(http://gallery.mac.com/philw/100192/homo/web.gif)

2. If you have a cat, you are a (http://gallery.mac.com/philw/100192/homo/web.gif) . A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your arse over here, Killer!'  Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're pitched, you're so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a (http://gallery.mac.com/philw/100192/homo/web.gif)  in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as camp as a row of tents. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free arse passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is & nbsp; you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are poofter.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to beep at a slow-arsed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being an arse puncher.  
(http://www.rebelrockrunners.org/gallery/d/15584-2/homo.gif) (http://gallery.mac.com/philw/100192/homo/web.gif)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fightingquaker13 on May 15, 2010, 07:42:49 AM
MAN TEST

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being an arse puncher.  
(http://www.rebelrockrunners.org/gallery/d/15584-2/homo.gif) (http://gallery.mac.com/philw/100192/homo/web.gif)


Does this mean I can forward it to Haz? because he might, just possibly, have some words on the cat issue. ;D
FQ13 who will go back to drinking his very manly cafe con leche ;)
PS Since you're Australian and therefore culturally deprived on the coffe front, I'll give you the recipe. Take a standard esspreso maker, mine is one of the old school one that just sits on the stove, but the plug in ones work fine. Fill the coffee container 1/3 full of coffee. Add 1/3 sugar and then the rest coffee. This gives you cafe Cubano. Dark and sweet, and rich, and bitter, and enticing and AAAAAARGH! DAMN your post! Anyway, pour it over some milk and add ice (not the reverse unless you like to see class break), and one cafe con leche. A great way to start a hot morning. Where you'll get all sweaty in the tropical sun, and the Iguans are basking in flowers, trying to catch the sea breeze while the faint Calypso music plays in the backgrund....... ;D ;D ;D
FQ13 who would invite you to kiss my ass, but am afraid to. Don't mess with a Floridian's Cuban Coffee. ;)   
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on May 15, 2010, 01:22:46 PM
I give up,,,,,what IS a fressier???
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on May 15, 2010, 06:31:44 PM
I give up,,,,,what IS a fressier???


I would not have a clue ???
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on May 15, 2010, 07:45:24 PM
I googled it and still don't know.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on May 16, 2010, 03:41:13 PM
From today's www.lucianne.com (http://www.lucianne.com):

(http://www.lucianne.com/images/lucianne/DailyPhoto/2010-05-15.jpg)

Nice hydrangeas, Path. 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on May 16, 2010, 05:30:26 PM
My Grandmother had a hydrangea in her yard, they do not do well up here
. But if you change the Ph of the soil you can change the color, it's even possible to get 2 colors (white and blue ) on the same plant.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on May 16, 2010, 07:22:29 PM
Quickie in the Bushes


There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude

woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred

years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single

gesture, brings the two to life.


The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a

hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life

for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'


He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the

shrubbery.


The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing..


The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you

care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh,

yes, let's!


But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and

you shit on its head.'

 ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on May 16, 2010, 07:34:15 PM
Nice hydrangeas, Path. 

They changed the damned picture!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on May 16, 2010, 09:13:05 PM
I'm laughing my butt off  ;D
I could not figure out what the flowers had to do with jokes.
Jokes on you though  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on May 16, 2010, 09:43:47 PM
I'm laughing my butt off  ;D
I could not figure out what the flowers had to do with jokes.
Jokes on you though  ;D

It was originally a political cartoon of a disguise wearing rhinoceros under a Wanted poster for RINOs announcing Open Season.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on May 16, 2010, 09:58:37 PM
Suuure it was. If that's your story, you stick to it.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on May 17, 2010, 10:20:19 AM
The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Rifles Over Women    



#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one Rifle at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's Rifle and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary Rifle doesn't mind if you keep another Rifle for a backup.

#6. Your Rifle will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A Rifle doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Rifles function normally every day of the month.

#3. A Rifle doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A Rifle doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a Rifle is favored over a woman:

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A RIFLE
 

 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on May 17, 2010, 02:09:40 PM
The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Rifles Over Women    



#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one Rifle at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's Rifle and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary Rifle doesn't mind if you keep another Rifle for a backup.

#6. Your Rifle will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A Rifle doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Rifles function normally every day of the month.

#3. A Rifle doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A Rifle doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a Rifle is favored over a woman:

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A RIFLE
 

Ya missed one, although #7 comes close. You can have more than one rifle - lots more than 1!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on May 18, 2010, 03:59:37 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman went to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes Back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on May 18, 2010, 05:48:50 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman went to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes Back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"



I double-dog-DARE you to lay that one on YOUR resident doctor, TAB.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on May 18, 2010, 05:59:48 PM
The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Rifles Over Women    



#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one Rifle at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's Rifle and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary Rifle doesn't mind if you keep another Rifle for a backup.

#6. Your Rifle will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A Rifle doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Rifles function normally every day of the month.

#3. A Rifle doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A Rifle doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a Rifle is favored over a woman:

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A RIFLE
 

 


And, he will provide the ammo and tips on what makes it shoot really sweet!  He'll also bring a few others along to enjoy at the same time  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on May 19, 2010, 01:36:23 AM


I double-dog-DARE you to lay that one on YOUR resident doctor, TAB.  ;D


who do you think told it to me?    ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on May 19, 2010, 02:01:18 AM

who do you think told it to me?    ;D

I think I like your wife much more than I do you  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on May 19, 2010, 07:00:41 AM

who do you think told it to me?    ;D

You are blessed more than you deserve, TAB.   :D :D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on May 19, 2010, 09:39:34 PM
I've been telling you guys, I really scored. 


Oh yeah, I'm in the dog house right now... wife got a ticket today in the stang, 65 in a 20 mph zone.  You know I was 60 miles away busting my butt installing a door, but it was still my fualt.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on May 20, 2010, 03:09:07 AM
Honey Moon is OVER  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fightingquaker13 on May 20, 2010, 03:51:04 AM
Thanks for the car you asshole! Now I got a speeding ticket AND ITS ALL YOUR FAULT! ;D
FQ13 who is very happy being single
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ranger Dave on May 20, 2010, 05:49:13 AM
Four simple words for a happy marriage  "Yes Dear You're Right" ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on May 20, 2010, 06:29:17 AM
Works for me!

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steyr M40A1 on May 20, 2010, 06:44:40 AM
The two rules of marriage are, She is always right, and when in doubt remember the first part.
Same thing goes for your stuff.

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on May 20, 2010, 05:38:28 PM
Its like my dad told me years ago.

If its got titts or tires, its going to cost you money.

One of the many wise things he told me gorwing up.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on May 20, 2010, 05:43:53 PM
And, he will provide the ammo and tips on what makes it shoot really sweet!  He'll also bring a few others along to enjoy at the same time  ;D


Is that an invitation?  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on May 20, 2010, 05:48:46 PM
I've been telling you guys, I really scored. 


Oh yeah, I'm in the dog house right now... wife got a ticket today in the stang, 65 in a 20 mph zone.  You know I was 60 miles away busting my butt installing a door, but it was still my fualt.


Men are ALWAYS at fault, and we are ALWAYS wrong, simply because we have a penis.  And the bigger the penis, the wronger we are.



Which explains why I am SO wrong, SO often!!!  ;D ;D ;D ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on May 20, 2010, 06:06:44 PM
Sounds like profiling Tab!

JMHO

Richard

PS:  You are SOOOOOOOOOO right!

Again JMHO
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on May 20, 2010, 07:01:34 PM

Men are ALWAYS at fault, and we are ALWAYS wrong, simply because we have a penis.  And the bigger the penis, the wronger we are.



Which explains why I am SO wrong, SO often!!!  ;D ;D ;D ;D  ;D


I agree with the first part of your statement........BUT.......would need proof on the second part!       ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on May 20, 2010, 07:11:16 PM

I agree with the first part of your statement........BUT.......would need proof on the second part!       ;D

Flop 'em out on the table, boys, we got us a challenge!!!!     ;D  :o  ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: bulldog75 on May 20, 2010, 08:02:16 PM
She called you out on you stud field mouse ville.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on May 21, 2010, 06:14:18 AM
Flop 'em out on the table, boys, we got us a challenge!!!!     ;D  :o  ::)

This is the biggest di*k I could bring to the table.    :P       ;D     :-*
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on May 21, 2010, 07:59:50 AM
Four simple words for a happy marriage  "Yes Dear You're Right" ;D ;D ;D

For variety,    "I'm sorry, Dear, you are right"

There is a second meaning there that might give you extra comfort.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on May 21, 2010, 08:23:27 AM
Quote
Its like my dad told me years ago.

If its got titts or tires, its going to cost you money.

One of the many wise things he told me gorwing up.

Tits, tires, wings or sails, it's cheaper and much less trouble to rent 'em.

Ahm jus' sayin'   (oh crap, Bunny's right over my shoulder, isn't she??? :P)

Crusader
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on May 21, 2010, 08:48:51 AM
Tits, tires, wings or sails, it's cheaper and much less trouble to rent 'em.

Ahm jus' sayin'   (oh crap, Bunny's right over my shoulder, isn't she??? :P)

Crusader

Sort of    "if you can ride it, it will cost ya?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on May 21, 2010, 11:30:27 AM
Sort of    "if you can ride it, it will cost ya?"

If "Bunny" saw that, CR can thank YOU for his concussion  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on May 22, 2010, 08:18:33 AM
Marriage counsellor to a couple who are contemplating divorce. 'Tell me
something both of you have in common'. Husband after a long awkward
silence 'Well neither of us sucks cock'.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on May 26, 2010, 09:47:17 PM
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine, and it must be respected.  You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long

as you want."

The man was encouraged.  As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded,  "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.  When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on May 27, 2010, 08:39:22 AM
A man went to his doctor and explained that he was concerned because his wife's desire for sex seemed to be diminishing.

The Dr. told him he had just the thing and gave him a prescription for a medication and told him to put a pinch of the power in his wife's orange juice in the morning and see if that didn't help.

The next time the doctor saw the man he asked how it went.

The man said.  "Well, I put the power in her orange juice and sure enough as soon as she drank it, she got very excited, pushed the breakfast dishes onto the floor, threw off her clothes, pulled me on top of her and we made passionate love right on the table."

The doctor said,  "You don't seem completely pleased with the result.  Wasn't the sex good?"

The man said,  "Oh, the sex was great but we can't go back to Bob Evan's anymore."

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steyr M40A1 on May 27, 2010, 09:35:06 PM
A woman whom was unhappy about her lack of cleavage went to see the doctor.
"Doctor Schwartz, I want breast enhancement" she said.
The doctor offered her a non surgical option to try.
He said "every morning after your shower, rub your nipples and say, "Scoobie Doobie I want bigger Boobies!"
So she tried it for two weeks and to her amazement it was working!
A month goes by and she is happy with her growing breasts when she awakes late for work.
Once on the bus she remembered she forgot her morning ritual. Determined not to break the cycle she rubs her breasts and says "Scoobie Doobie I want bigger Boobies!"
The man across the isle stares at her until she is done and says "You must be a patient of Dr. Schwartz." Yes she replies, how did you know?

"Hickory Dickeory Dock........"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on June 03, 2010, 10:19:42 AM
http://s414.photobucket.com/albums/pp225/tt11758/?action=view&current=LotteryWinner.flv (http://s414.photobucket.com/albums/pp225/tt11758/?action=view&current=LotteryWinner.flv)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on June 04, 2010, 07:43:40 PM
 Clean Hair
> Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady
> at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.
>
> After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and
> asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
>
> The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks:
>  "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker
>  telling you your hair smells nice?"
>
> The woman replies, "It's Keith. The midget."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Wolfgang1952 on June 04, 2010, 10:49:50 PM
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on
Its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on June 07, 2010, 01:59:12 PM
The Single Shopper


A woman is shopping at a grocery store. She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots. She goes to the checkout line.
"You must be single." the clerk says.
Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman says, "Yes I am. How could you tell?".
"Because you're ugly".

                             :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on June 08, 2010, 09:48:29 AM
A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM SOUTH TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE
OF 103 WHEN HE DIED.

HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN,
45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25
GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN,

AND A 15-FOOT CRATER

WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.


    Sorta brings a tear to your eye, don't it?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on June 08, 2010, 09:49:53 AM
An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
   
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking.
We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
   
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
   
Man: 'What sins?'
   
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
   
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
   
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
   
Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'

  '
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on June 09, 2010, 09:52:15 AM
It has just been reported that the head gardener at the White House has been dismissed after 28 years of loyal serviceto the many US presidents. When interviewed the gardener protested his innocence and said "All I know is I was walking past the Oval Office and I asked, "Has anyone seen the spade and the hoe? " The next thing I knew, my a** was fired.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on June 11, 2010, 06:41:14 AM
I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door.

They asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

---

Honestly some folk will take offense at anything.

I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was"How are you getting on?"

---

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby "Is this yours?" she asked.

"Probably." said Paddy "She burns everything else!"

---

My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken jaw.

It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.

---

They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right.

After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive!

---

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?"

"No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick bastard."

---

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.

I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache!"

---

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems...

"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.

"Yes... Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big

blue hair."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on June 11, 2010, 08:16:28 AM
Quote
Honestly some folk will take offense at anything.

I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was"How are you getting on?"

And to add to this shameless line of humor:  What do you say to a one-legged hitchhiker?  Hop in!

(apologies, Peg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 11, 2010, 01:30:29 PM
And to add to this shameless line of humor:  What do you say to a one-legged hitchhiker?  Hop in!

(apologies, Peg)

Q: Where's the best place of employment for a one-legged man?

A: IHOP.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steyr M40A1 on June 11, 2010, 11:20:29 PM
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at the pool, BOB.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at the museum, ART.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who can ring a door bell, Talented!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 12, 2010, 07:44:10 PM
I just keep swimming in circles.    :-\
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Fatman on June 12, 2010, 08:01:05 PM
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at the pool, BOB.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at the museum, ART.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who can ring a door bell, Talented!


What do you call a man with no arms and no legs playing baseball?  First base.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on June 12, 2010, 08:11:54 PM
Can not blame me I did not start it  ;D ;D



What do you call a one-legged woman? Ilene.
What do you call her one-legged Asian cousin? Irene.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on June 12, 2010, 09:43:10 PM
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the front porch?

Matt


What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?

Russel
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on June 12, 2010, 10:06:04 PM
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a hot tub?
Stew.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter. He won't come anyway.

(I'm really sorry for the above.  No real excuses, but I've been off any alcohol for the last couple of weeks :'( while I've been watching my fantastic young grandson ;D, and I think it's affected my mind. ???  I mean, it's weird to dream about swimming in "dirty martinis" isn't it? )
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on June 12, 2010, 10:16:03 PM
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a hot tub?
Stew.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter. He won't come anyway.

(I'm really sorry for the above.  No real excuses, but I've been off any alcohol for the last couple of weeks :'( while I've been watching my fantastic young grandson ;D, and I think it's affected my mind. ???  I mean, it's weird to dream about swimming in "dirty martinis" isn't it? )

No not really ! IMHO ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on June 12, 2010, 11:42:46 PM
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob.'

Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home....

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster.

'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Bob.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster.

'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.

He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....



"BOB, wake up! You shit the bed!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on June 13, 2010, 10:04:54 AM
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
 

He replied, "She called Four Horses".



The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.

What does it mean?"
 

The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean...




NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!!!!!!!!
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on June 13, 2010, 11:00:22 AM
I'm going to steal that one!

Thanks,

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steyr M40A1 on June 13, 2010, 10:55:09 PM

NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!!!!!!!!
 

My wife ran me over on her menstrual cycle...... It sounded like NAG NNAG NNAG NNAGGG.... BIIITCH BITCH BITCH
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=olKE4JfeKnw   0:28-0:49
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on June 14, 2010, 03:44:17 PM
One day the teacher asked Little Johnny to spell the word "straight". 

Johnny said, "s-t-r-a-i-g-h-t.  Straight." 

"Very good," said the teacher, "now can you give me the definition of straight?"

Johnny replied, "Without ice."











Haz'll get that one RIGHT away!!     ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on June 14, 2010, 04:07:56 PM
Thats neat, not strait
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on June 14, 2010, 04:50:58 PM
Neat or straight is OK or Bourbon aged a minimum of two years is considered "Straight Whiskey"....

Either way, Johnny was a bright boy!

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on June 14, 2010, 08:35:12 PM
An Old Sea Story

There's an old sea story in the Navy about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, & afterward told the Chief Boatswain that his men smelled bad. The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.

The Chief responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

The Chief went straight to the sailors berth deck & announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad & wants you to change your underwear.

" He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, & Brown, you change with Schultz.  Now GET TO IT!"


THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
Someone may come along & promise "Change", but don't count on things smelling any better.  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 15, 2010, 12:58:22 PM
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.  
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been screwed?'
The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'
She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'


I know..I'm that 3rd woman......I'm just plain sick.... hahahahahahahahhaha ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on June 15, 2010, 08:29:10 PM

    The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.


    Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

    Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

    "Very good," said the teacher.
     
    Little Jenny was next:
     
    "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

    "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..
     
    Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
     
    The teacher held her breath ...
     
    Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

    "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling"
     
    "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
     
    "Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher,
     
    "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
     
    "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
     
    They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"
     
    Then I would say,"It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
     
    "I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty that they say is good and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."
     
    The teacher was speechless...

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 18, 2010, 12:17:34 PM
Breaking news:

BP announced that this morning they installed a wedding ring around the leaking pipe and it quit putting out.


 :P
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on June 20, 2010, 02:58:48 AM
Breaking news:

BP announced that this morning they installed a wedding ring around the leaking pipe and it quit putting out.


 :P


hahahah    it would not be as funny if it was not true......
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on June 20, 2010, 04:12:45 PM
Breaking news:

BP announced that this morning they installed a wedding ring around the leaking pipe and it quit putting out.


 :P


you know in my case, its increased about 10 fold.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fightingquaker13 on June 21, 2010, 04:35:37 AM

you know in my case, its increased about 10 fold.
TAB
For all the crap you have gone through in the last few months, you are a very lucky man. I've ended two relationships with two pretty amazing women because her or my careers got in the way. Thing is? A career is a damn cold thing to cuddle up to at night. You should consider yourself blessed.
FQ13 who is an older, sadder and wiser man, who will never make that mistake again, and is an idiot for making it the second time.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on June 22, 2010, 08:02:59 AM
Something to offend everyone!
   

A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous for?'

A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called Winston!'


----------------------------------------------------------------------


Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.


----------------------------------------------------------------------



What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.


----------------------------------------------------------------------


Was so depressed last night that I rang the Life line.

Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......

 
----------------------------------------------------------------------

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says 'Show me it's true

what they say about black men'... So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.


----------------------------------------------------------------------

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

'Oi, what's your disability?'

I said 'Tourettes! Now f..k off!'


----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man is in a queue at KMART and sees this busty blonde staring at him,

he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks.
'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says

 'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me

 and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?'

'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'


----------------------------------------------------------------------

 I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today,

but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' '


------------------------------------------------------------------

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling,

I was a hooker!'.

He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.

She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Seacliff metro!'.


----------------------------------------------------------------------


Father  O'Gilly walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the kitchen floor.

 He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's shagging her

the Rev Mother comes in.

'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep

Father O'Gillys balls off the wet floor!!'


----------------------------------------------------------------------


Tampax are changing their design they are repacing the string with 

a piece of tinsel .... This is for the Christmas period only!   


----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy

and sad at the same time'.

His wife replies 'You've got a bigger knob than your brother'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on June 22, 2010, 08:03:27 AM
Q:How do witches hang onto their brooms while they is flying?
A: She doesn't wear any underwear.


2 Condoms are walking down the street and go past a gay bar. The one condom turns to the other and says "Lets go in there and get shitfaced!"


A Gay guy walks into a butchers and after looking at the goods on offer he points out a nice salami sausage that he wants. The butcher takes it down and starts to cut it into slices when the gay guy shouts "What they hell do you think I am! A Piggybank??"


2 Gay guys are driving down the street when they drive past a sewage plant. The one turns to the other and says "Mmm, smells like a party."


A peodophile is driving down the street and stops up by a little boy. He says to the boy "Hello sonny, if you come in my car I'll give you a sweetie." The boy replies "Mister, for the whole bag I'll come in your mouth"


2 Peodophiles are walking down the street when they happen apon a pair of small underpants. The first peodo sniffs them and says " Ahh, a sweet little 12 year old boy." So the second peodo sniffs them and says "No, thats a 9 year old little boy for sure." So they continue walking down the street arguing until a priest approaches. They say to the priest "Father, father. Can you help us. My friend says these are the knickers of a 12 year old boy but I think they are from a 9 year old." So the old priest takes a long hard whiff and says "Hmmm, they are definatly a 12 year old boy, but not from my parish."


A gay couple and a lesbian couple are both leaving on a roadtrip from Los Angeles to New Mexico. Which one gets there first? The Lesbian couple. Because while the Gay couple are still at home packing the shit the Lesbians are doing 69 all the way.


Q: A leb and a abbo are in a car together, who's driving?
A: The Police Officer.

Q: What do you call a abbo in a suit?
A: The Defendant.


A little child is sitting on the edge of a cliff crying. A man comes along and asks him whats wrong, still bawling his eyes out he just points to the bottom of a cliff where there is a twisted wreck of a car with his parents lying dead inside it. The man says while he starts unbuckling his pants "I guess this just ain't your day, is it."


A man gets a phonecall from the hospital one day. The doctor says "I'm sorry Mr Smith but your wife has been in a car accident. She is paralized from the head down. You will have to look after her 24/7. You will have to feed her, clothe her, bathe her, help her go to the toilet and look after her every need." He leaves this a moment for it to sink in while Mr smith exlaims how horrible this is before turning around to him and saying "April fools, she's actually dead!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on June 22, 2010, 08:04:33 AM
Following an accident, a woman was in a coma and completely unresponsive. One day, the nurse was giving her a sponge bath when she noticed the woman's eyelids flicker when the sponge touched between her legs. She quickly called the Doctor in and they were astonished to find the same thing happened again. Excitedly, they called the woman's husband and told them what was going on.

The Doctor explained that his wife seemed to be responding to stimulation and they thought perhaps if he was to give her oral sex she might pull out of the coma. The man was a little reluctant but they said they would be in the next room monitoring her condition and they would have complete privacy. He agreed to give it a try.

The Doctor and nurse were watching when suddenly the monitor flat lined. They rushed into the room and asked the husband what happened. "I think she choked" he replied.






A couple of truck drivers were delivering some produce down a country road one day when their truck broke down. upon surveying the problem, they decided what they needed was a monkey wrench to fix the problem. "Tell you what", one said, "you stay here with the truck and I'll walk back to that house we say a few miles back and see if they can help us out." So he hikes back to the house, and upon walking up the drive, he sees several very young black childern, playing on the swings, in the trees etc. So he knocks on the door, and a very large Abbo lady answers the door, with two very young Abbo babies in her arms. "Excuse me Miss" he said, "Do you have a monkey wrench?" "This aint no Bloody Monkey Ranch" she replied, "It's a MotherFuckin day care center."


My son asked me if i could tell him about anal sex. I said, "son, I can do one better than that..."


 My wife says she will kick me out if she finds out I have any "skeletons in my closet" - but the joke's on her because the kids in my closet are still alive.


Condoms are getting bloody expensive these days. It's actually cheaper just to fork out for the odd abortion now and then.


I put a picture of my daughter on my desk at work to brighten it up. Within 24 hours I'd been told to remove it.
I protested to my manager, "John, who sits opposite me, has a picture of his daughter on his desk, same as me, so how come I'm being picked on?"
My manager replied, "because, in John's picture, his daughter hasn't got cum splattered all over her face."


What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon? Ones fun to hit with a sledgehammer and the other ones a watermelon.


Whats the difference between Madeliene McCann and a ferrari? I dont have a ferrari in my garage


 If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think;
a) You need more time together
b) She's a prude
c) She should have sat somewhere else on the bus
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on June 22, 2010, 08:21:48 AM
Honestly I dont know him ^ ^




(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2007/06/here-i-is-hiding.jpg)











Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on June 23, 2010, 07:06:50 PM
Haz?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on June 24, 2010, 06:54:00 AM
Haz?

Looks like the cat needs to lick a bit more!

Thats just sooooo wrong!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on June 24, 2010, 09:35:22 AM
American History According To Maxine.........................


Do you know what happened 150 years ago, in 1860?

(http://i414.photobucket.com/albums/pp225/tt11758/maxine.jpg)

California became a state
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically nothing has changed except the women had real tits and the men didn't hold hands.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on June 24, 2010, 11:49:56 AM
The Little Old Lady


Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, ' How many of you have forgiven your enemies? ' 80% held up their hands. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," She replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," she replied.
The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the bitches."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on June 24, 2010, 02:42:57 PM
The Little Old Lady


Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, ' How many of you have forgiven your enemies? ' 80% held up their hands. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," She replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," she replied.
The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the bitches."






You owe me a keyboard!!!     ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on June 25, 2010, 04:10:07 AM
Time to upset some paddy's  :P

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.

It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus.
--------------

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whisky.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

-----------------

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It’s your f***ing plane!"
----------------------

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.


Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"


He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts:

"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.


--------- --------oOo- --------- ---------


Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".


--------- --------oOo- ------------------ -


Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"

"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole flaming bed by the looks of it!"

--------oOo- ---------

Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?

A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

-------- --------oOo- --------- ---------

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap.

--------- --------oOo- --------- ---------

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbour's dog is barking like mad in the garden.

Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"

------------oOo- ---------

Paddy is said to be shocked at being told by the vet that all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"
-------------------                           

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London !"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 25, 2010, 10:29:39 AM
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

One is a good looking, older, retired Southern Man in his sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.

He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."

He then turns to the retired Southern Man and asks, "Can you top that?"

He replies, "No problem, just get that damn lion out of the way."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on June 25, 2010, 07:22:35 PM
Honestly I dont know him ^ ^

well don't read these ones    ;D ;D


I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potatoe pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your f....k will power'
A woman buys a wall mirror from A Mart, manager says 'would you like a screw for that mirror' She said no 'but I'd suck your cock for a lawn mower'.
 
----------

Top tip; if your camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex........... Wish me luck, I appear in court next Monday.
 
----------
 
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' What I thought it did '
 
----------
 
A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry about the wait ' I said ' don't worry you fat bitch, you'll lose it eventually '
 
----------
 
Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets him & says ' if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one? Paddy said ' if you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them!! '...............Murphy says 'Four!'
 
----------
 
The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself ' she'll be f....k lucky with a face like that!'
 
----------
 
I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'
 
----------
 
Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away ' But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on June 26, 2010, 07:13:53 AM
Subject: Gynecologist's Assistant.

     A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Johnstown, thinking he might find something part time to occupy his time and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
 
    The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their clothes and underwear, lay them down and get them comfortable in the exam chair, carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination."
 
    "The annual salary is $165,000, and you'll have to go to Pittsburgh"
 
    "Good grief; is that where the job is?"
 
    "No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on June 26, 2010, 07:25:41 AM
In a trial, a Southern small town, the prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand-motherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, ! I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "Neither of you guys had better ask her if she knows me."
   
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on June 26, 2010, 10:03:00 AM
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.


The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk .
We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so itwent on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...
...silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door ..


The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight





.. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on June 26, 2010, 10:11:22 AM
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her Mother, "Frankie brown showed me his willie today at the play ground".

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."


Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mother asked, 'Really small, was it"


Sally replied, " No...Salty"

Mom fainted
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on June 26, 2010, 09:39:14 PM
Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on EBAY?


I put in a bid for a "Mickey Mouse Outfit" and now,




It seems I'm only six minutes away from owning Obama and his entire cabinet.
[/font][/font]
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on June 26, 2010, 09:42:36 PM
 Potentially vs. Realistically!
                       > A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the
                       > difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically' ?'
                       >
                       > The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother
                       > if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
                       >
                       > Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million
                       > dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a
                       > million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'
                       >
                       > So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
                       > Pitt for a million dollars?'
                       >
                       > The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that
                       > money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
                       >
                       > The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with
                       > Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
                       >
                       > The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with
                       > him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
                       >
                       > The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with
                       > Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
                       >
                       > 'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million Bucks
                       > would buy?'
                       >
                       > The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to
                       > his dad.
                       >
                       > His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between
                       > 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
                       >
                       > The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially' , you and I are sitting on
                       > Three million dollars ..
                       >
                       > But 'realistically' , we're just living with two hookers and a
                       > queer.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 26, 2010, 09:48:11 PM
One day when Bill was out for lunch with his friend Jeff, they got into a conversation.

Bill said: " I feel really bad about what I did this morning".

"Why?" asked Jeff.

"Well," replied Bill, "My secretary has really large breasts, and this morning I went to ask her to get me two tickets to Pittsburgh, but it came out as 'I need two pickets to Titsburg' and now I feel really bad".

"Oh don't feel bad about that" said Jeff, "Slip ups like that happen all the time. Why, just last night I took my wife and kids out for dinner...... and while I meant to say to my wife 'Please pass the salt my love', it came out as 'YOU RUINED MY LIFE YOU STUPID BITCH!!!! I HATE YOUR F**KING GUTS!!!'"

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on June 27, 2010, 09:05:32 PM
 Pedro was trying to get into the U.S. legally through immigration. The officer said, "Pedro, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter the U.S."
 
     Pedro said, "I am ready."
 
     The officer said, "Make a sentence using Yellow, Pink and Green."
 
     Pedro thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."
 
     The officer said "Go ahead."  Pedro said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up and say, 'Yellow, this is Pedro.' "
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 27, 2010, 10:48:25 PM
Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.   


 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fightingquaker13 on June 28, 2010, 02:41:04 AM
Potentially vs. Realistically!
                       > A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the
                       > difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically' ?'
                       >
                       > The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother
                       > if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
                       >
                       > Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million
                       > dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a
                       > million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'
                       >
                       > So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
                       > Pitt for a million dollars?'
                       >
                       > The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that
                       > money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
                       >
                       > The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with
                       > Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
                       >
                       > The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with
                       > him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
                       >
                       > The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with
                       > Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
                       >
                       > 'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million Bucks
                       > would buy?'
                       >
                       > The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to
                       > his dad.
                       >
                       > His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between
                       > 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
                       >
                       > The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially' , you and I are sitting on
                       > Three million dollars ..
                       >
                       > But 'realistically' , we're just living with two hookers and a
                       > queer.
ROFL. Honestly, if I'd heard this joke before now, every single one of my forign policy classes could have have ended in less than 15 minutes.
Q: What is the definition of foriegn relations?
A: Two or more nations f@cking one another for the right price. Here endeth the lesson, and don't forget to tip your bartender. I'll be here all semester. (rim shot). ;D
FQ13
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on June 28, 2010, 08:49:41 PM
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband says...

"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"


"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God for that... I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa



He never heard the gunshot
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on June 29, 2010, 10:25:09 PM
President Obama was having that one, lone brief conversation
this year with General McChrystal about Afghanistan .

Things were not going the way the General had hoped. Obama could
sense this, and told him, "I bet when I die, you'll piss on my grave.
 
"To which General McChrystal answered...... "No sir, I've always said
that when I get out of the Army, I'll never again wait in another line.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on June 29, 2010, 10:29:22 PM
Looking for Hazaritas???





No, it's just a fridge magnet.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 01, 2010, 10:23:39 AM
Introducing The Newest Addition To The GM Lineup.............


(http://i414.photobucket.com/albums/pp225/tt11758/obummer.jpg)

GM (Government Motors)

Proudly Introduces

The 2011 Obummer

 

This car runs on hot air, bullshit, and broken promises.

It has three wheels that speed the vehicle through tight left turns.

It comes complete with two Tele-Prompters programmed to help

the occupants talk their way out of any violations. The transparent canopy reveals the plastic smiles still on the faces of all the

    happy owners. Comes in S, M, L, XL and 2XL.   

It won't get you to work, but hey, there aren't any jobs anyway!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on July 01, 2010, 10:32:23 AM
Introducing The Newest Addition To The GM Lineup.............


GM (Government Motors)

Proudly Introduces

The 2011 Obummer

 

This car runs on hot air, bullshit, and broken promises.

It has three wheels that speed the vehicle through tight left turns.

It comes complete with two Tele-Prompters programmed to help

the occupants talk their way out of any violations. The transparent canopy reveals the plastic smiles still on the faces of all the

    happy owners. Comes in S, M, L, XL and 2XL.   

It won't get you to work, but hey, there aren't any jobs anyway!


do you know if it includes any hope and change
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 01, 2010, 11:30:41 AM

do you know if it includes any hope and change

I just "hope" we can "change" the occupant of the White House on January 20, 2013.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 01, 2010, 12:30:00 PM
Ready for the change of scenery ?   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on July 02, 2010, 10:32:12 AM
Older men scam

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in
dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I
wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home
Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't
be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as
you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping
your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out
of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look).

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for
a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start
undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other
one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Mar. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th,
24th, & 29th. Also Apr. 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th &
27th, every day in June,  and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of
us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

By the way, Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for
$.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just
running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to
be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and
around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 02, 2010, 02:29:19 PM
The Woman Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell
their stories.  There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk
and pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?'  ''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a
story about my Mommy.

She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.  She had to
bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol
and a survival knife.
 
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and
then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.  She
shot 15 of them with the pistol until she ran out of bullets, killed four more
with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her
bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher.  'What did your Daddy tell you
was the moral to this horrible story?

"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on July 02, 2010, 02:52:38 PM
GHOST SEX

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you
think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here
ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you
ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been
 giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make
his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell
us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "Oh shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on July 02, 2010, 06:31:12 PM
The Old Couple



An 80 year old couple decides to resume sexual relations after an absence of many years.
 Being the conscientious couple, they decide they should visit their doctor and make sure everything is still in working order.
 Their doctor is glad to hear that the couple is taking the proper precautions before they resume their love making.
 He asks the old man for a blood sample, a urine sample and a stool sample.
The old man, being hard of hearing, asks his wife what the doctor said.
She answered, “He wants a pair of your underwear!”

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on July 02, 2010, 10:42:53 PM
3 Dozen Things We Have Learned from the Movies:

1) During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

2) When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

3) If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year.

4) All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.

5) The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective -- or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

6) All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

7) It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.

8) The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place -- no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

9) Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.

10) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

11) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.

12) If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

13) You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

14) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language -- a German accent will do.

15) If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his/her forthcoming art exhibition.

16) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

17) When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill -- just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

18) Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

19) If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

20) Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

21) Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

22) All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

23) A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Dodger Stadium.

24) Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

25) Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

26) It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

27) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. Plus, you can drive for at least 10 seconds without looking where you are going.

28) It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

29) A detective can only solve a case once he/she has been suspended from duty.

30) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts -- your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their
predecessors.

31) When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

32) No one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

33) Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired. And you turn the TV off immediately to continue dialogue.

34) You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

35) Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds -- unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

36) Once applied, lipstick will never rub off -- even while scuba diving.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fightingquaker13 on July 03, 2010, 12:01:52 AM
You are forgetting a few. I give you The Evil Overlord's List. ;D It really is a classic, and worth reading through if youve ever beaten your head against the wall at the stupidity of the BGs in sci-fi, fantasy or spy movies. "Do you expect me to talk"? "No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die". Well, you should have just shot him then dumbass! Here is a lengthy, but detailed corrective. What all aspiring evil overlords need to know. Tom and TT, take note. ;D

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum — a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 1:17 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way — even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless — my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, This Cannot Be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This," and kill the advisor.
If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed unless I have a response that satisfies them.
I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
After I capture the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45MB in size.
Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 03, 2010, 01:49:09 AM
You are forgetting a few. I give you The Evil Overlord's List. ;D It really is a classic, and worth reading through if youve ever beaten your head against the wall at the stupidity of the BGs in sci-fi, fantasy or spy movies. "Do you expect me to talk"? "No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die". Well, you should have just shot him then dumbass! Here is a lengthy, but detailed corrective. What all aspiring evil overlords need to know. Tom and TT, take note. ;D

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum — a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 1:17 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way — even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless — my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, This Cannot Be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This," and kill the advisor.
If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed unless I have a response that satisfies them.
I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
After I capture the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45MB in size.
Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.


Some very good lessons there.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fightingquaker13 on July 03, 2010, 02:20:50 AM
Indeed, well learned Dear Leader. Put these lessons into practice and what do you get? ;D ;D ;D

Good luck in '012. Ain't nothing but a thing. ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on July 03, 2010, 07:04:52 AM
Damn, FQ, even your jokes are long. 




 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fightingquaker13 on July 03, 2010, 07:10:53 AM
Damn, FQ, even your jokes are long. 




 ;D
Can't deny its a classic though. If the BGs read this, every action movie would last 15 minutes tops! Captain Kirk, the Duke, James Bond, SG-1, Luke Skywalker, all toast. Cut to commercial.
FQ13 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on July 03, 2010, 08:51:40 AM
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on July 03, 2010, 09:14:18 AM
Caught about a third of that!  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on July 03, 2010, 12:01:24 PM
Caught about a third of that!  ;)

Yeah...I distinctly recall hearing the word 'boomerang'....but after that.......  ;D  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on July 03, 2010, 09:26:42 PM
 In the early days of WWII, six heavily damaged B17 bombers managed to return to base after a raid over Germany. A radio news crew was on the scene and interviewed a pilot of one of the bombers.

Radio - "It looks like you guys got shot up pretty bad, what happened?"

Pilot - "We were flying in formation just beginning our run when all of a sudden there were Fokker's above us, Fokker's behind us and Fokker's on both sides of us."

Radio - "To our listening audience, a Fokker is a type of German fighter plane."

Pilot - "Yeah, but these Fokkers were in Messerschmitts!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on July 04, 2010, 10:34:58 PM
Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says , 'Male or female?'

Customer says , 'Female.'

Counter guy asks , 'Black or white?

Customer says , 'White.'

Counter guy asks , 'Christian or Muslim?'

Customer says , 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'

Counter guy says , 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: deepwater on July 05, 2010, 10:46:34 PM
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"?  Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box ?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby " when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat ?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
  Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: deepwater on July 05, 2010, 10:51:21 PM
here's one my captain sent me.



One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
 She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down.
 We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named    her  'Pussycat.'

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
 
 My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.'
 He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
 
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the t 'El-Charge-O'.

They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
 
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet..
The GP's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
 A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
 He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more.
 We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose.
 Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on July 06, 2010, 09:52:41 AM
 Confucius say,
"If you are in a book store and cannot find the book for which you search, you are obviously in the......


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 06, 2010, 03:10:39 PM
What Is a HUSBAND?

A real husband is a woman's best friend.
He will never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad
day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to
live without fear and forget regret.
He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her
most intimate desires.
He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful
woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy,
seductive, invincible ...
 .... No wait...
 
 


 I'm thinking of tequila
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on July 06, 2010, 04:00:55 PM
A man need a woman who loves to cook.

A man need a woman who loves to clean house.

A man needs a woman who loves sex.

A men needs to never let these 3 women meet.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 06, 2010, 04:51:02 PM
A man need a woman who loves to cook.

A man need a woman who loves to clean house.

A man needs a woman who loves sex.

A men needs to never let these 3 women meet.



Words to live by.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on July 07, 2010, 03:24:29 AM


Words to live by.  ;D

or die by should they ever meet...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on July 08, 2010, 10:01:22 AM
Al Qaeda on Strike

BBC News - Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.  Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54.  A company spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational  Martyrs ( or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for strike vote.  General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlandsin, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.  Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife.  It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off.  I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up.”
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are few virgins in their areas anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle.  Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on July 08, 2010, 12:58:54 PM
A man needs a woman that never asks..."Honey, does this outfit make me look fat?"

JMHOFWIW


Richard

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on July 08, 2010, 02:07:39 PM

 

How bad is the economy ???   

 

The economy is sooooo bad that -----


 
…I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

…African television stations are now showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials!

…Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

 

…I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"


…CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

…Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

…My ATM gave me an IOU!

…A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

…I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

…I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with the purchase was a bank.

…If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if

they meant you or them.


…McDonald's is now selling the 1/4 ouncer.

…Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

 

…Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.

…My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

 

…A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

…Motel Six won't leave the light on for you anymore.
 
…A picture is now only worth 200 words.

…They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street ."

…When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

…One of the casinos in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on July 09, 2010, 07:29:41 AM
A guy is strolling along Vegas Strip when a stunning hooker catches his

eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, “How much?”

 

The Hooker replies, “$500 for a hand-job.” The guy’s jaw drops: “$500

dollars, For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!”




 

The hooker says, “Do you see that Hard Rock cafe on the corner?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Do you see the Hard Rock about a block further down?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“And beyond that, do you see that third Cafe?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Well,” says the hooker, smiling invitingly, “I own those. And, I own

them because I give a hand-job that’s worth $500.”

 

The Guy says, “What the hell? I’ll give it a try.” They retire to a

nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed

realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth

every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, “I suppose a blow-job is

$1,000?” The hooker replies, “$1,500.”

 

“$1,500? No blow-job could be worth that.” The hooker replies, “Step

over here to the window, big boy. See that casino just across the

street? I own it. And I own it because I give a blow-job that’s worth

every cent of $1,500.”

 

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, says, “Sign

me up.” Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than

before. He can’t believe it but he feels he truly got his money’s worth.

He decides to dip into the pension savings for one glorious and

unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, “How much for some pussy?”

 

The hooker says, “Come over here to the window. Do you see how the whole

city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights,

gambling palaces, and showplaces?”

 

“Damn!” the guy says, in awe, “You own the whole city?”

 

“No,” the hooker replies, “but I would if I had a pussy.”
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on July 09, 2010, 08:14:38 AM
A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on July 09, 2010, 04:07:59 PM
HOW THE FIGHT STARTED


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

 ________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

 ________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

 ________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...

 ________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed.  But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

 ________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

 ________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the  van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...

 ________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......

 ________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

 ________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on July 10, 2010, 03:32:39 PM
Three friends married girls from different parts of the U.S.

The first one married a girl from Wisconsin. He told her that she must clean the house & wash the dishes every day. It took a couple of days but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house & dishes put away.

The 2nd man married a girl from Minnesota. He ordered her to do all the cleaning, dishes and cooking. The first day he saw nothing, the second day was better. By the third day, he saw the house was cleaned and a huge dinner on the table.

The 3rd man married a girl from Georgia. He ordered his wife to clean the house, do the laundry, mow the lawn & have hot meals on the table every evening. On the first day, he didn't see anything, the 2nd day he didn't see anything but by the 3rd day some of the swelling had gone down & he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm had healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich & load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 10, 2010, 05:50:30 PM
I decided to establish my position as head of the household early on in my marriage.  On our wedding night, when we got back our hotel room, I reached into my suitcase, pulled out a pair of my pants, handed them to my new bride and said, "Here, put these on."

My new bride replied, "I can't wear these!"

I said, "That's right, by God, and don't you EVER forget who DOES ear the pants in this family!!" 

I was feeling pretty good about myself until she reached into her suitcase, pulled out a pair of her panties, handed them to me and said, "Here, YOU put THESE on!"

I looked at these small panties and said, "You know I can't get into these."

Her response was swift, to the point, and chilling.  "That's right, and unless you change your damned attitude, you never will!!

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on July 13, 2010, 10:08:43 AM


My neighbor found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

 

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

 

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

 

The lady went to the pharmacy and bought some "Nair" hair remover.  At the checkout, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

 

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

 

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

 

The lady smiled, and replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

 

The pharmacist said, "In that case, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: GASPASSERDELUXE on July 16, 2010, 03:18:42 PM

The grade school teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Jimmy, a bright Navajo Indian boy who had his hand up. "'Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good!" Who said, "Government of the People, by the People, for the People,...
shall not perish from the Earth?"

Again, no response except from Little Jimmy, "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed,
Little Jimmy knows more about history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Indians."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Little Jimmy put his hand up, "General Custer, 1876 ."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now who said that!?"

Again, Little Jimmy says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime
Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Little Jimmy jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to
the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you
say anything else, I'll kill you."

Little Jimmy frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004."
The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, We're screwed!"

Little Jimmy said quietly, "The American people, November 4,
2008."

 
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 16, 2010, 11:18:40 PM
                The 1st Affair

                A married man was having an affair
                with his secretary..
                One day they went to her place
                and made love all afternoon.
                Exhausted, they fell asleep
                and woke up at 8 PM.

                The man hurriedly dressed
                and told his lover to take his shoes
                outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

                He put on his shoes and drove home.

                'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

                'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

                'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
                We had sex all afternoon.'

                She looked down at his shoes and said:

                'You lying bastard!
                You've been playing golf!'


                The 2nd Affair

                A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
                but always talked about having a son.

                They decided to try one last time
                for the son they always wanted.

                The wife got pregnant
                and delivered a healthy baby boy.

                The joyful father rushed to the nursery
                to see his new son.

                He was horrified at the ugliest child
                he had ever seen.

                He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
                be the father of this baby.
                Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
                Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

                The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
                'No, not this time!'


                The 3rd Affair

                A mortician was working late one night.

                He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
                about to be cremated,
                and made a startling discovery.
                Schwartz had the largest private part
                he had ever seen!

                'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
                commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
                with such an impressive private part.
                It must be saved for posterity.'

                So, he removed it,
                stuffed it into his briefcase,
                and took it home.

                'I have something to show
                you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
                opening his briefcase.

                'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
                'Schwartz is dead!'


                The 4th Affair

                A woman was in bed with her lover
                when she heard her husband
                opening the front door.

                'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

                She rubbed baby oil all over him,
                then dusted him with talcum powder.

                'Don't move until I tell you,'
                she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

                'What's this?' the husband inquired
                as he entered the room.

                'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
                'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
                so I got one for us, too.'

                No more was said,
                not even when they went to bed.

                Around 2 AM the husband got up,
                went to the kitchen and returned
                with a sandwich and a beer.

                'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
                I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
                and nobody offered me a damned thing.'


                The 5th Affair

                A man walked into a cafe,
                went to the bar and ordered a beer.

                'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

                'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

                He glanced at the menu and asked:
                'How much for a nice juicy steak
                and a bottle of wine?'

                'A nickel,' the barman replied.

                'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
                'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

                The bartender replied:
                'Upstairs, with my wife.'

                The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
                with your wife?'

                The bartender replied:
                'The same thing I'm doing
                to his business down here.'



                The 6th & Best Affair

                Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

                He looked up and said weakly:
                'I have something I must confess.'

                'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

                'No,' he insisted,
                'I want to die in peace.
                I slept with your sister, your best friend,
                her best friend, and your mother!'

                'I know,' she replied.
                'Now just rest and let the poison work..'

             
             

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on July 17, 2010, 07:01:41 AM
There was a Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two Norwegian guys and a team of two Irish guys. So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job. "Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed.

They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.

Forty-five minutes later, Ole and Sven, the Norwegian guys came back in and they were totally exhausted. The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"

Ole, the team leader wiped his brow and sighed, "Sven and me, we got three in."

The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!"" Yeah," said Ole, "but you should see how much they left stickin'out of the ground!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 17, 2010, 01:46:41 PM
A Blonde in Church 
 
An  Alabama  preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this
congregation  has  spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan." This
is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot
tolerate.  I am embarrassed and do  not  intend  to accept this. 
 
Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask  forgiveness  from God and
this Christian Family
 
No one moved.  The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face
me  and  admit this is a falsehood?  Remember, you will be forgiven and
in your  heart  you  will feel glory.  Now stand and confess your
transgression.' Again all  was  quiet.

 
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop
traffic  rose from the third pew.  Her head was bowed and her voice
quivered as  she  spoke,  'Reverend there has been a terrible
misunderstanding.  I never  said  you  were a member of the Ku Klux
Klan.  I simply told a couple of my friends  that  you were  a wizard
under the sheets.'

 
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the Congregation
roared.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on July 18, 2010, 01:37:57 PM
Hello? Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is mommy near the phone? No, daddy. Shes upstairs in the bedroom with uncle paul. After a brief pause, daddy say but honey u dont have an uncle paul. Oh yes i do, & hes upstairs in the room with mommy rite now. Brief pause. Uh ok then i want u to put the phone down & run upstairs & knock on the door & shout 2 mommy that daddys car just pulled up. Ok daddy just a min. A few min later the lil girl comes back 2 the phone. I did it daddy. & what happened honey? Well mommy got scared, jumped outta bed naked & ran round screamin then tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser & now she isnt movin @ all! OMG!!! What bout ur uncle paul? He jumped outta the back window into the pool. But i guess he didnt know u took out the water last week 2 clean it. He hit the bottom of it & i think hes dead! Real long pause! Then daddy says, Swimmin pool? Is this 486-5732?
   Lil girl says No i think u have the wrong number....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 19, 2010, 11:03:46 AM


     
    The stranded Irishman
    =================
    One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

    He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship".


    As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

    Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

    She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"


    "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

    With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

    He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long
    drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway,
    0A"that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

    "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

    Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

    Hearin g that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

    He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

    At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

    With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on July 19, 2010, 05:00:31 PM
California Vs. Arizona


The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature
trail. A coyote jumps out, bites the Governor and attacks his dog.


1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie
"Bambi" and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing
what is natural.


2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures coyote and
bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating
it.


3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and
bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.


4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked
for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.


5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game
conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is free of
dangerous animals.


6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a
"coyote awareness" program for residents of the area.


7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better
treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout
the world.

8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the
attack somehow and for letting the Governor attempt to intervene.


9. Additional cost to State of California : $75,000 to hire and
train a new security agent with additional special training re: the
nature of coyotes.


10. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files suit against the State.




Arizona:


The Governor of Arizona is jogging with her dog along a nature
trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks her dog.



1. The Governor shoots the coyote with her State-issued pistol and
keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow
point cartridge.


2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.




And that's why California is broke.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 19, 2010, 07:00:38 PM
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days
interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went into town
and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I
came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him
and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi Turd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So
I called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on
the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This
went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he
wrote... Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus and saw the
car had an Obama sticker... I try to have a little fun each day now that
I'm retired.. It's important at my age.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on July 21, 2010, 10:54:28 AM
A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a
second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.  The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes.  The second guy said,
"We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, and while counting his $80.00, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a
neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow
revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the
money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and

I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"


The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.  And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them...."   
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on July 21, 2010, 04:05:00 PM
 Wheelchair License



Ethel was a bit of a demon in her  wheelchair, and loved to charge
around the  nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and  getting up
to maximum speed on the long  corridors.

Because the poor woman was one  sandwich short of a picnic the other
residents  tolerated her and some of them actually joined  in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one  corridor when a door opened and
Kooky Clarence  stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,'  he
shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a  license for that thing?'
Ethel fished around in  her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper
and  held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel  sped down the
hall.

As she took the  corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird  Harold
popped out in front of her and shouted  'STOP! Have you got proof of
insurance?' Ethel  dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster
and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said  'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the  final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front
of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand.
'Oh, good grief,' yelled  Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test
again.!!!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on July 24, 2010, 03:39:41 PM
 ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 25, 2010, 02:12:52 PM
 

 They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have
 to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell
 her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy
 handled it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the
desk..
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for
today?'


'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.


The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that.  '


'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.


The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this
room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with

your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'


 The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of
 strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
 The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.


 The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'


 'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.


 The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
 advice.
 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'


 'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.


 The waiting room erupted in laughter.


 Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on July 25, 2010, 11:47:40 PM
Tom's surgery




 The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express
 praise  for answered prayers.  Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.  She
 said, "I have a praise.  Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible
 bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.  The pain was
 excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You
 could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the
 pain that poor Tom must have experienced.  "Tom was unable to hold me or
 the  children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."  We
prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out
they  were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and  wrap  wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation
cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery
performed on Tom.  "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the
 Lord,  Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his
scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified
 relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to
say.
 * *
 A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. *  *
 He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.  "I
 just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."*
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 27, 2010, 01:29:30 PM
Medical distinction between Guts and Balls*

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.

We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really
know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met
by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.

Both result in death. :P
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 27, 2010, 09:32:01 PM
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 29, 2010, 10:46:54 AM
Stopped by the Toyota Dealership  yesterday for a look at the new Tacoma .
> Just for fun, I  took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new 
> "feel" before they become extinct...
>
> The salesman  (wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger 
> seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. 
>
> The seats were of particular interest. He explained  that the seats
> directed warm air to your butt in the winter  and directed cool air to your butt in
> the summer heat. 
>
> Feeling like messing with his mind, I mentioned that  this must be a
> Republican truck.
>
> Looking a bit  angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck. 
>
> I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the  seats would blow smoke
> up your ass year-round.
>
> I had  to walk back to the dealership........asshole had no sense  of
> humor.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 30, 2010, 02:16:03 PM
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the
other, a Chihuahua .
 
As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her
friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
 
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there...we've got the
dogs with us."
 
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
 
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of
dark glasses and started to walk in.
 
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
 
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my
seeing-eye dog."
 
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
 
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now.  They're very good."
 
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
 
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua
was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the
heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
 
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
 
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
 
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
 
The woman said indignantly, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a f**king Chihuahua ?!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: FSBARAK on August 01, 2010, 10:08:59 AM
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department . One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

 

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

 

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick..'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 01, 2010, 10:12:25 PM
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.

Before the procedure the nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.

When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table.

The man obeys.

The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him.

Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about.

The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever the cords.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.

While they are going down the hall the patient sees six men in a room masturbating.

Curious, the man asks "What are they doing in there?"

The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on August 02, 2010, 10:28:11 AM
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip
Of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency
Room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting
Off your finger?'

'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and
Then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...

I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00
To get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a
Loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the
Trigger.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 02, 2010, 02:13:38 PM
Safe bet of the day :
Red is not blonde  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on August 02, 2010, 02:52:09 PM
Not necessarily.  I have heard some really great Blonde jokes from Blondes.

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on August 02, 2010, 03:33:50 PM
True, I've know several Blondes who enjoy Blonde jokes.   

None of them were in the least bit air headed.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: McGyver on August 02, 2010, 04:31:39 PM
"None of them were in the least bit air headed."

Isn't that an oxymoron?   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on August 02, 2010, 04:33:32 PM
"None of them were in the least bit air headed."

Isn't that an oxymoron?   ;D



Ask Ann Coulter that one....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: seeker_two on August 02, 2010, 07:17:07 PM

Ask Ann Coulter that one....

She's not a real blonde.....though I think Chris Matthews is....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: FSBARAK on August 02, 2010, 11:20:16 PM
The city boy goes to countryside to visit his uncle. After the
sun goes down, the boy hears strange, another-world howling. He
gets frightened and runs to his uncle. "Uncle, uncle, there are
werewolves!"

"That's rubbish, boy, ain't no such thing".

"'Then, there must be man-eating wolves".

"No, we haven't got those buddies, either."

"What is this sound, then?" the boy asks.

"They are coyotes".

"Coyotes? What are those?"

"They look a lot like dogs. In fact, ya can consider them a kind
of dog." The boy wants to find out more: "Why are they making that
frightening noise?"

"See, nephew, we ain't got many trees around here. We got cactuses!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MinotBob on August 03, 2010, 11:10:00 PM
There is a new study just released by the  American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses.

The results are pretty shocking:

1.  Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.

2.  10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.

3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good  man and they would have married him anyway.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: JC5123 on August 04, 2010, 01:47:59 PM
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he finally replied, 'Okay...my father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.'

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?'

'No', the boy said, 'He actually works for the Democratic National Committee and helped get Barack Obama elected President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the class.'


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: bulldog75 on August 04, 2010, 02:25:32 PM
Sad but true.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 04, 2010, 08:17:10 PM
Language:

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on August 05, 2010, 06:05:31 AM
I thought trains had "Cow Catchers"?   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 05, 2010, 11:43:10 AM
Language:



I guess that one gets to be a Big Mac before his friends do.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: rat31465 on August 06, 2010, 07:47:25 AM
Three friends married girls from different parts of the U.S.

The first one married a girl from Wisconsin. He told her that she must clean the house & wash the dishes every day. It took a couple of days but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house & dishes put away.

The 2nd man married a girl from Minnesota. He ordered her to do all the cleaning, dishes and cooking. The first day he saw nothing, the second day was better. By the third day, he saw the house was cleaned and a huge dinner on the table.

The 3rd man married a girl from Georgia. He ordered his wife to clean the house, do the laundry, mow the lawn & have hot meals on the table every evening. On the first day, he didn't see anything, the 2nd day he didn't see anything but by the 3rd day some of the swelling had gone down & he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm had healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich & load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.
As a man who Married a Georgia Girl some 25 years ago...I would like to officially vouch for the accuracy of this paticular joke.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 07, 2010, 01:54:30 PM
 MURDER AT WALMART


 

Tired of constantly
being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided
to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife
with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.


 

A 'friend of a friend'
put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the
name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for
snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The
husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any
cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie
insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened
his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the
dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few
days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store.

There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded
to strangle her with his gloved hands.

As the poor unsuspecting woman
drew her last breath & slumped to the floor,

the manager of the produce
department stumbled unexpectedly onto

the murder scene. Unwilling to
leave any living witnesses behind,

ol' Artie had no choice but to
strangle the produce manager as well.

However,
unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings

were captured by the hidden security
cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.


 

Under intense
questioning at the police station,

Artie revealed the whole sordid plan,
including his unusual financial  arrangements

with the hapless husband
who was also quickly arrested.


 

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared... 


 


 






(You're going to hate me for this...)







 


 

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for  $1.00 @ WAL-MART!'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on August 08, 2010, 02:34:38 PM
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Coors Light and puts it in their cart.
 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and
 puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Coors and it's half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bic on August 08, 2010, 08:12:39 PM



Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on August 08, 2010, 08:18:57 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on August 08, 2010, 08:30:12 PM


Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.

 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steyr M40A1 on August 08, 2010, 11:04:28 PM


Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.

I thought this was a joke thread not a fictional scenario.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on August 09, 2010, 07:24:43 AM
NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND


A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
 
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
 
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma'
 
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
 
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
 
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on August 11, 2010, 11:18:52 AM


You know the honeymoon is over when the
comedians start to say things like:

 

 

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree . . . and think
25 to life would be appropriate.
--Jay Leno

America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
--Jay Leno

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--Jay Leno

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.
--David Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean
and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America !
--Jimmy Fallon

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
--Jimmy Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
--David Letterman
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on August 11, 2010, 11:46:14 AM
A Cow, an Ant, and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The Cow:  I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!

The Ant:  I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!
 
!
 
!
 
!
 
!
 
!
 
!
 
!

 
 Why are you scrolling down?  It's your turn to say something...
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on August 11, 2010, 12:59:21 PM
The Light Turned Yellow

 

An honest mistake...

 

The light turned yellow, just in front of him.  He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
 

 
 

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as smissed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup..
 



As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked
up into the face of a very serious police officer.  The officer
ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.  He took her to
the police station where she was searched fingerprinted, photographed,
and placed in a holding cell.

               
 

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.  She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
 

       
 

He said,  ''I'mvery sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you
and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do'
bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me
to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish
emblem on the trunk, so naturally...I  assumed you had stolen the
car.''
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on August 11, 2010, 04:18:40 PM
    cid:1.3037328754@web180315.mail.gq1.yahoo.com

    Bubba is driving down a back road in Alabama ..

    A sign in front of a restaurant reads:

    HAPPY HOUR  SPECIAL

    Lobster Tail and Beer

    "Lord a'mighty," he says to himself, "Thems my three favorites!"

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 12, 2010, 03:30:18 PM
I heard Barney Frank on TV telling a story about his youth.
He related the time his father told him to go to Cox's and buy a seersucker suit.
He said he went to Sears instead.

 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on August 13, 2010, 07:02:05 AM
A man is walking along a cliff and he slips and falls over the edge.

Clawing at the cliff, he manages to grab hold of a protruding root several feet below the edge.

Desperately grasping the root, he yells, "HELP!  HELP! Is there anyone up there who can help me!"

He hears a loud voice from above that says  "I CAN HELP YOU."

The man says  "Who are you."

The voice says  "I AM GOD.  HAVE FAITH IN ME AND I WILL SAVE YOU."

The man says  "Thank you God.  What should I do?"

The voice says "LET GO OF THE ROOT AND I WILL SAVE YOU."

The man says  "HELP! HELP!.  Is there anyone else up there who can help me?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on August 13, 2010, 08:05:26 AM
Let me apologize to the decent lawyers out there for these Lawyer jokes.  I know both of you don't deserve to be grouped with the rest of them. 

Joke 1.

Q.  What is the difference between an accident scene where a lawyer is hit by a car and a dog is hit by a car?

A.  There will be skid marks by the dog.


Joke 2.

Many major testing laboratories are switching to using lawyers in their experiments because they have these advantages over lab rats.

- There are so many of them

- The lab assistants don't get attached to them

- There are some things a rat won't do.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on August 13, 2010, 12:29:19 PM
A blonde going to Chicago 

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO Chicago WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS  SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
                   
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.  SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.                   

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO
CHICAGO  AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."                   

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.                   

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.                   

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO CHICAGO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."                   

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY
SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST  THIS BLONDE WOMAN, WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.                   

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."                   
HE GOES BACK TO THE
BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,  AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES  BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.                   

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND  ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.             
   

 "I TOLD HER,           "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO CHICAGO ".                       
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 13, 2010, 05:24:39 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on August 16, 2010, 07:59:12 AM
 AUSSIE MEDICAL RESEARCH

                       Australian Medical Association researchers have found
                       that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit
                       from receiving chicken blood
                       rather than human blood.

                       It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better....

                       Just thought you'd like to know.

                       BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO ARE CRACKED,
                       FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE LIGHT!

                       OK, I'll be going to the corner now.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on August 17, 2010, 12:44:05 AM
Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since High School.
They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Rachel arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of
Pinot Grigio. Clare arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the
required ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of wine. Then
Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old tee shirt, blue jeans and boots.
She too shares the wine.

Rachel tells that after leaving high school and graduating from
Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York ’s leading
law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where
Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.

Clare relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples,Florida .

Samantha explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her
boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in California and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand five parrots, side by side, on his willy.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Rachel
blurts out that her husband is a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a
small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby
storage facility.

Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains
that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They
live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

Samantha admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on August 17, 2010, 07:06:01 AM
 Crusader? Usually it's M'ette who has a blond moment . . . .   ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on August 17, 2010, 07:49:09 AM
Two great minds with a single thought.  OR, two bird-brains s#itting on the same branch...  I hit "Delete."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on August 17, 2010, 05:47:49 PM
Older Men  Scam                                        
               
Women often receive warnings about  protecting themselves
at the mall  and in dark parking lots,  etc. This is the first warning  I
have seen for men. I wanted  to pass it on in case you haven't heard
about it.           
                                                           
A  'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at
Lowe's, Home  Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one is catching them totally by surprise. 
Over the last month I had a freind who  became a  victim of a clever scam
while out  shopping. Simply going out  to get supplies has turned out
to be quite  traumatic. Don't be  naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your  friends.                                             
               
He emailed with this......Here's how the scam works:                                 
               
Two  nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to
your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle.  They
both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their
breasts almost  falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not
to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.                                       
               
You agree and they climb into the  vehicle. On the way,
they start  undressing. Then one of them  starts crawling all over you,
while the  other one steals your  wallet.                             
               
I had my wallet stolen Mar. 4th, 9th, 10th,  twice on the
15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also Apr. 1st  & 4th, twice on the 8th,
16th, 23rd,  26th & 27th, and  very likely again this upcoming weekend.
               
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to
take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be  vigilant.       
               
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each.  I found even
cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and  bought them out in three of their stores.                                                   
               
Also, you  never get to eat at McDonald's.
I've already lost 11 pounds  just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.   
                                                           
               
I wanted all the older men to know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam.

(The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in  the afternoon.)         
 


 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 17, 2010, 09:07:22 PM
Older Men  Scam                                        
               
Women often receive warnings about  protecting themselves
at the mall  and in dark parking lots,  etc. This is the first warning  I
have seen for men. I wanted  to pass it on in case you haven't heard
about it.           
                                                           
A  'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at
Lowe's, Home  Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one is catching them totally by surprise. 
Over the last month I had a freind who  became a  victim of a clever scam
while out  shopping. Simply going out  to get supplies has turned out
to be quite  traumatic. Don't be  naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your  friends.                                             
               
He emailed with this......Here's how the scam works:                                 
               
Two  nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to
your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle.  They
both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their
breasts almost  falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not
to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.                                       
               
You agree and they climb into the  vehicle. On the way,
they start  undressing. Then one of them  starts crawling all over you,
while the  other one steals your  wallet.                             
               
I had my wallet stolen Mar. 4th, 9th, 10th,  twice on the
15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also Apr. 1st  & 4th, twice on the 8th,
16th, 23rd,  26th & 27th, and  very likely again this upcoming weekend.
               
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to
take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be  vigilant.       
               
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each.  I found even
cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and  bought them out in three of their stores.                                                   
               
Also, you  never get to eat at McDonald's.
I've already lost 11 pounds  just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.   
                                                           
               
I wanted all the older men to know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam.

(The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in  the afternoon.)         
 


 


I fell victim to that scam three times just today!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on August 17, 2010, 09:38:12 PM
A Father took his daughter with him to the Barber shop to get his hair cut, to keep her quiet for a while He gave her a snack cake, while he was getting his hair cut she stood as close to him as possible. The Barber looks at her and says "Sweetheart, You're going to get hair on your twinkie" She looks up to him and says "Yup and I'm going to grow boobs too"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steyr M40A1 on August 18, 2010, 06:03:15 AM
As the family sat around the table for dinner, the older son looks at his father and says,
"Dad, I cannot live a lie anymore, I am gay!"
With that the father starts choking on his food.
The younger son jump up from the table, pulls the chair away from his father, wraps his arms around him and starts to thrust.
About the third thrust the father spits out the food and with tears in this eyes say "not you too!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fightingquaker13 on August 18, 2010, 08:42:39 AM
Older Men  Scam                                        
               
Women often receive warnings about  protecting themselves
at the mall  and in dark parking lots,  etc. This is the first warning  I
have seen for men. I wanted  to pass it on in case you haven't heard
about it.           
                                                           
A  'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at
Lowe's, Home  Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one is catching them totally by surprise. 
Over the last month I had a freind who  became a  victim of a clever scam
while out  shopping. Simply going out  to get supplies has turned out
to be quite  traumatic. Don't be  naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your  friends.                                             
               
He emailed with this......Here's how the scam works:                                 
               
Two  nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to
your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle.  They
both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their
breasts almost  falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not
to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.                                       
               
You agree and they climb into the  vehicle. On the way,
they start  undressing. Then one of them  starts crawling all over you,
while the  other one steals your  wallet.                             
               
I had my wallet stolen Mar. 4th, 9th, 10th,  twice on the
15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also Apr. 1st  & 4th, twice on the 8th,
16th, 23rd,  26th & 27th, and  very likely again this upcoming weekend.
               
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to
take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be  vigilant.       
               
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each.  I found even
cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and  bought them out in three of their stores.                                                   
               
Also, you  never get to eat at McDonald's.
I've already lost 11 pounds  just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.   
                                                           
               
I wanted all the older men to know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam.

(The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in  the afternoon.)         
 


 

Here in So. Fl. we call that the 'Boca Scam". An older business guy sits down at a bar alone. A cute young thing sidles up and talks to him as though he is the coolest thing on the planet. She eats and drinks for free. Second date? Much like the first, only she gets a "gift'. "Sorry, but I'm not tht type of girl, I'll still see you Wednesday though, I just need something to go with my dress, pearls would be nice".
Third date. "Man, that was the best lobster ever, and these pearls are great! You are amazing, and well, it is the third date. I'll just powder my nose and we can go back to your place".
Thirty minutes later at his table? DOH!
Moral of the story? If she's half your age? She ain't interested in you. Why do guys not get this? ???
FQ13
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 18, 2010, 11:19:51 AM
Jeez, hard to believe you could drift this thread, but I have to answer FQ    ;D

Here in So. Fl. we call that the 'Boca Scam". An older business guy sits down at a bar alone. A cute young thing sidles up and talks to him as though he is the coolest thing on the planet. She eats and drinks for free. Second date? Much like the first, only she gets a "gift'. "Sorry, but I'm not tht type of girl, I'll still see you Wednesday though, I just need something to go with my dress, pearls would be nice".
Third date. "Man, that was the best lobster ever, and these pearls are great! You are amazing, and well, it is the third date. I'll just powder my nose and we can go back to your place".
Thirty minutes later at his table? DOH!
Moral of the story? If she's half your age? She ain't interested in you. Why do guys not get this? ???
FQ13

Ego, and "thrill of the chase", kind of like dogs and cars.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on August 18, 2010, 11:57:33 AM
Here in So. Fl. we call that the 'Boca Scam". An older business guy sits down at a bar alone. A cute young thing sidles up and talks to him as though he is the coolest thing on the planet. She eats and drinks for free. Second date? Much like the first, only she gets a "gift'. "Sorry, but I'm not tht type of girl, I'll still see you Wednesday though, I just need something to go with my dress, pearls would be nice".
Third date. "Man, that was the best lobster ever, and these pearls are great! You are amazing, and well, it is the third date. I'll just powder my nose and we can go back to your place".
Thirty minutes later at his table? DOH!
Moral of the story? If she's half your age? She ain't interested in you. Why do guys not get this? ???
FQ13

My mother told me that the ideal age a woman should be for a man is one half his age plus seven.

Keeps me out of those half my age scams  ;D ;D

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 18, 2010, 12:33:51 PM
My mother told me that the ideal age a woman should be for a man is one half his age plus seven.

Keeps me out of those half my age scams  ;D ;D



When I was younger I thought the best possible age for a man to be was 36......that way dating a woman half your age was no longer a felony.    ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 18, 2010, 12:42:14 PM
A friend of mine just started his own business, making
land-mines that look like prayer mats.
 
“It's doing well.”, he says, “Prophets are going through the roof!”
 

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fightingquaker13 on August 18, 2010, 12:45:48 PM
When I was younger I thought the best possible age for a man to be was 36......that way dating a woman half your age was no longer a felony.    ;D
Speaking as someone who teaches 18 year olds for a living? Yeah, they're nice to look at, but spending time with one in an extended social situation? Its more like babysitting. :'(
FQ13 who has had to mention that texting at the University President's dinner table is a faux pas. ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 18, 2010, 01:34:30 PM
Speaking as someone who teaches 18 year olds for a living? Yeah, they're nice to look at, but spending time with one in an extended social situation? Its more like babysitting. :'(
FQ13 who has had to mention that texting at the University President's dinner table is a faux pas. ::)

They weren't designed for conversation, dude.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 19, 2010, 06:49:22 AM
I  met a fairy today that would grant me one wish.
 

"I want to live forever," I said.

 

"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

 

"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Minnesota Vikings win the Super Bowl!"

 

 "You crafty bastard," said the fairy.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fightingquaker13 on August 19, 2010, 06:55:11 AM
I  met a fairy today that would grant me one wish.
 

"I want to live forever," I said.

 

"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

 

"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Minnesota Vikings win the Super Bowl!"

 

 "You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

If he'd made it the Bucs or the Browns he'd have been onto something. The Vikings sometimes have potential.
FQ13
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 19, 2010, 06:58:17 AM
THE ANT AND THEGRASSHOPPER

This one is a little different....

Two Different Versions..........

Two Different Morals.....

________________________________

OLD VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed..

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

________________________________

MODERN VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a pres s conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.

CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'

Acorn stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing,'We shall overcome.' Rev. Jeremiah Wright then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

President Obama condemns the ant and blames President Bush, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight.

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar and given to the grasshopper

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.

Th e grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang ofspiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and once peaceful, neighborhood.

The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with it.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2010.

________________________________

I've posted this here because I believe that you are an ant & not a grasshopper! Make sure that you pass this on to other ants. Don't bother sending it on to any grasshoppers because they wouldn't understand it, anyway.

     
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 19, 2010, 06:59:09 AM
If he'd made it the Bucs or the Browns he'd have been onto something. The Vikings sometimes have potential.
FQ13


While you make a valid point, they also have a tendency to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory at the precise moment that they are on the cusp of greatness.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 19, 2010, 07:48:57 AM

While you make a valid point, they also have a tendency to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory at the precise moment that they are on the cusp of greatness.

As in the 1998 NFC Championship game vs the Falcons?   ;D



Vikings were heavily favored, but with a season record of 14-2, the Falcons shouldn't have been expected to fall down and play dead.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on August 19, 2010, 08:11:53 AM
If he'd made it the Bucs or the Browns he'd have been onto something. The Vikings sometimes have potential.
FQ13

UH....The Bucs have won a superbowl.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 19, 2010, 08:14:16 AM
As in the 1998 NFC Championship game vs the Falcons?   ;D



Vikings were heavily favored, but with a season record of 14-2, the Falcons shouldn't have been expected to fall down and play dead.


That's ONE of the times that comes to mind.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fightingquaker13 on August 19, 2010, 08:21:58 AM
UH....The Bucs have won a superbowl.
They should have been drug tested. I saw it happen and I still don't believe it. ;D
FQ13 who says it goes against the natural order of things here in Florida, like a hurricane in March.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: rat31465 on August 19, 2010, 04:23:58 PM
Here in So. Fl. we call that the 'Boca Scam". An older business guy sits down at a bar alone. A cute young thing sidles up and talks to him as though he is the coolest thing on the planet. She eats and drinks for free. Second date? Much like the first, only she gets a "gift'. "Sorry, but I'm not tht type of girl, I'll still see you Wednesday though, I just need something to go with my dress, pearls would be nice".
Third date. "Man, that was the best lobster ever, and these pearls are great! You are amazing, and well, it is the third date. I'll just powder my nose and we can go back to your place".
Thirty minutes later at his table? DOH!
Moral of the story? If she's half your age? She ain't interested in you. Why do guys not get this? ???
FQ13
The solution to the problem of dating girls half your age comes from knowing the perfect pick up line to use on them.

Sidle up next to the younger girl and lean in really close and say.  "Excuse me Miss, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on August 19, 2010, 05:11:49 PM
tt, just wondering how the NFL team from Iowa did last year?

Richard

PS:  Old enough Browns fan to remember the GLORY DAYS!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: SwoopSJ on August 19, 2010, 05:56:30 PM
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.  "What are you doing?", she asked.  "Hunting Flies", he responded.  "Oh, killed any?", she asked.  "Yep, 3 males and 2 females", he replied.  Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"  He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."    8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on August 19, 2010, 07:58:42 PM
The solution to the problem of dating girls half your age comes from knowing the perfect pick up line to use on them.

Sidle up next to the younger girl and lean in really close and say.  "Excuse me Miss, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"

Here is the pick up technique...for any age.

Say you have a $413.00 check to deposit into your savings account.  To to an ATM and enter the deposit as 413,000.  It will be rejected as soon as they verify the actual check amount, but your balance will show 413,000 plus what ever was in your account prior to this deposit.

Then do a balance inquiry and keep the slip showing the $413,000+ balance. 

Go to your favorite hang out, strike up a conversation with the woman of your choice and after talking to her, tell her you have to go, but tell her you would like to see her again, take out the balance inquiry slip, write your phone number on it and ask her to call you if she is interested.

If she just happens to examine the slip, she might be interested.....

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on August 19, 2010, 08:42:12 PM
(http://i812.photobucket.com/albums/zz50/billt460/LindsayVonn.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on August 19, 2010, 10:39:30 PM
He's My Brother - This is Priceless

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "No sir, not exactly, but they aren't for me.  They're for him.  He's my brother. He's four.

We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on August 20, 2010, 06:45:29 PM
Husband Down, Aisle 6.

(http://i667.photobucket.com/albums/vv35/irf63/ManDownIsle6.jpg)

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Super Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for a case of 24 cans" he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on August 20, 2010, 06:47:35 PM
and a Man Down, Aisle 5

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on August 20, 2010, 08:25:31 PM
Time for a nap.  :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: SwoopSJ on August 20, 2010, 11:10:12 PM
Now THAT is funny stuff, right there.  ROFL!!!  ;D
He shouldn't even be arrested for public intoxication since he provided such great entertainment.  Just don't let him drive... at least until he finishes sleeping it off in aisle 5.   ::)

Swoop
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 21, 2010, 01:02:40 AM
Now THAT is funny stuff, right there.  ROFL!!!  ;D
He shouldn't even be arrested for public intoxication since he provided such great entertainment.  Just don't let him drive... at least until he finishes sleeping it off in aisle 5.   ::)

Swoop


That may be true, but they really must do something  about the dead Husband in aisle 4  ;D

Husband Down, Aisle 6.

(http://i667.photobucket.com/albums/vv35/irf63/ManDownIsle6.jpg)

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Super Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for a case of 24 cans" he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 21, 2010, 07:40:27 AM
A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning.
When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

 :P
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 21, 2010, 07:54:36 AM
Lawyer One Liners

Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: tick falls off of you when you die.

Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

Q: What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances?
A: Retired.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to change the bulb and five to write the environmental impact statement.

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Q: What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school?
A: A f-ing know-it-all.

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his @$$.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.

Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.

Q: Did you hear about the group of terrorists that hijacked a plane full of lawyers?
A: They called down to ground control with their list of demands, threatening that if their demands weren't met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: If you see a lawyer on bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
A: That might be your bicycle.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer #1: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time sheets, two to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

Answer #2: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb... to his.

Answer #3: How many can you afford?

Answer #4: Heck, you need 250 just to apply for the research grant.

Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a picture?
A: Just say "Fees!"

Q: Why are lawyers so good at racketball?
A: Because they stoop so low.

Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, and then on the other.

Q: What would happen if you lock a zombie in a room full of lawyers?
A: He would starve to death.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
A: Senator.
;D
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: "Your honor."

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.

Q: What does it mean when a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule?
A: It means that after you pay his bill, it's financially hard to get back on your feet.

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A:  A good start!

Q: Why do they bury lawyers twelve feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they are really good guys.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: A shortage of sand.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

Answer #1: Take your foot off his head.

Answer #2: No? Good!

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid extra for a longer fight.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an angry rhinoceros?
A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a computer nerd?
A: Sooner or later everyone needs a lawyer.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder, and the other is a catfish.

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A: A hooker will stop screwing you after you are dead.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: A lawyer can take off his wingtips.

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: SwoopSJ on August 21, 2010, 11:15:44 AM
Dealing with legal proceedings which would inspire such admiration for lawyers, Peg?  Thanks for the verbal ammo.  I'll have to "unload" on a couple of my attorney friends. 

Swoop
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on August 21, 2010, 11:32:57 AM
Another lawyer joke...

Why do lawyers wear a tie to court?
If they don't, their foreskin pops up over their eyes and they can't see.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 21, 2010, 08:17:37 PM
Q)  What do lawyers use for birth control?

A) Their personalities.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 22, 2010, 07:49:53 AM
Dealing with legal proceedings which would inspire such admiration for lawyers, Peg?  Thanks for the verbal ammo.  I'll have to "unload" on a couple of my attorney friends. 

Swoop


Not me personally (mine actually worked things out to my benefit, while taking a loss himself = very rare).
My brother, on the other hand, has been on a 4-year roller-coaster ride with a few that have not had his best interests in mind (think 'stringing things along for their own financial gain' type thoughts here).
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: rat31465 on August 22, 2010, 10:07:31 AM
Q:  Whats the best way to kill an attorney?
A: Slam the Toilet stool lid on his head when he's getting a drink of water.

Attorneys are like Assholes...the only one you ever want to hear from is your own.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on August 23, 2010, 10:37:13 AM
Why do Sharks swim circles around you before attacking?


Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a
sunken ship.
"Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to
the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins
showing."
And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our
fins showing."
 And they did.
"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat
them all at first?"
Why did we swim around and around them?

His wise father replied,

"Because they taste better once we scare the shit  outta 'em!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on August 23, 2010, 01:42:35 PM
I recently applied for a building permit for a new house.  It was going to be 100 ft. tall and 400 ft. wide with 9 turrets at various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system. It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it green with pink trim. The City Council told me to go to hell.
 
So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque.
 
Work starts on Monday.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bic on August 23, 2010, 03:53:32 PM
Dave drowned, so we got him a nice floral tribute in the shape of a lifebelt, well........it's what he would have wanted.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on August 24, 2010, 06:40:44 PM
The end of civilization...


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 24, 2010, 09:24:12 PM
The end of civilization...




That is wrong on SO many levels.....................
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 25, 2010, 07:33:14 AM
I kept telling myself it was so wrong to laugh at these poor kids..........but then I thought about all the times cousins and other family jumped out of doorways and closets to scare the crap out of me (or anyone else that happened by) and remembered that it is a rite of passage. This was just a high-tech version of the old gotcha routine.

The looks on some of these faces are priceless......

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on August 25, 2010, 10:46:12 AM
You are mean!  But it was the best six and a half minutes I've wasted at work today   :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on August 25, 2010, 12:47:30 PM
PITIFUL


.
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
 
 
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
 
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'
 
The parrot says, 'I was born this way.
 
I'm a defective parrot.'
 
'Holy crap,' the guy replies
 
'You actually understood and answered me. !'
 
'I got every word,' says the parrot.
 
'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'
 
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.
 
'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarras sing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook
 
You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
 
'Wow,' says the guy.
 
'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.
 
I'm especially good at ornithology.
 
You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
 
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
 
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
 
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.
 
You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
 
The parrot is sensational.
 
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
 
The guy is delighted.
 
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.
 
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'
'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.
 
'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
 
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
 
'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lift ed up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'
 
'Yes.
 
Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
 
DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!' 
 
 
 
 
 
If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on August 25, 2010, 01:14:25 PM
IT'S NOT TRUE THAT ONLY A "DOG PERSON" WOULD TRULY APPRECIATE THIS!

Stay

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the

local shopping center and rolled
Down the car windows to make sure my
Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.



She was stretched full-out on the back seat
And I wanted to impress upon her that she must
remain there.

I walked to the curb backward,
Pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
'Now you stay. Do you hear me?'

'Stay! Stay!'

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady,
Gave me a strange look and said,


"Why don't you just put it in Park"?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on August 25, 2010, 09:49:46 PM
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind us;
we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.'

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

'Been on holiday yet, lads?'

'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?'
Jim agrees.

'Ah, England!' says the bartender. 'Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...'

'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John. 'Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim?
And we can't stand the English --- they're so arrogant and rude.'

"So why keep going to England?' asks the bartender.

'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on August 26, 2010, 08:06:48 AM
I kept telling myself it was so wrong to laugh at these poor kids..........but then I thought about all the times cousins and other family jumped out of doorways and closets to scare the crap out of me (or anyone else that happened by) and remembered that it is a rite of passage. This was just a high-tech version of the old gotcha routine.

The looks on some of these faces are priceless......


Interesting to see some of the reactions.   I noticed one little girl, at about 1:33 into it who just gave a quick shriek and then laughed.  I noted there was no sound for her, but for most of the others, there was sound, sometimes very loud.  It appears it might be the sound that did more to frighten them than the visual.  

Did you also notice the dog trying to comfort the very little girl who was crying?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 26, 2010, 11:17:41 AM
Interesting to see some of the reactions.   I noticed one little girl, at about 1:33 into it who just gave a quick shriek and then laughed.  I noted there was no sound for her, but for most of the others, there was sound, sometimes very loud.  It appears it might be the sound that did more to frighten them than the visual.  

Did you also notice the dog trying to comfort the very little girl who was crying?


Yes, I thought it was cool with the dog looking out for the kid.
I agree it is as much the sound as anything. I remember getting the thing in an email several times years ago and it always said "make sure volume is turned up".

I freely admit the first time I saw it I jumped a little myself.........but then I could also say that about my reaction to some women I knew in my younger years when I saw them in the light (sober).
 :P
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fightingquaker13 on August 26, 2010, 01:19:42 PM
Yes, I thought it was cool with the dog looking out for the kid.
I agree it is as much the sound as anything. I remember getting the thing in an email several times years ago and it always said "make sure volume is turned up".

I freely admit the first time I saw it I jumped a little myself.........but then I could also say that about my reaction to some women I knew in my younger years when I saw them in the light (sober).
 :P
The question is, did you ever have to replace a monitor or do a little spackeling on the wall behind it? ;D
FQ13
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 26, 2010, 08:37:38 PM
A terrorist has hijacked a 747 full of lawyers. He's threatening to release one every hour until his demands are met.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 27, 2010, 09:56:30 AM
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to  play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept  together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was  full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on August 28, 2010, 08:49:31 AM
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring
day in his new Washington DC parish.

              He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep
breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside. He then noticed
there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

              He promptly called the US House of Representatives for
assistance.

              The conversation went like this: " Good morning . This is
Speaker Pelosi. How might I help you?"

              "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father
O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.
Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the
matter?"

              Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit,
replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that
you people took care of last rites!"

              There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

              Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true,
but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on August 29, 2010, 11:47:10 AM
New Truck


(http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x286/red364/truck.jpg)

I bought a new Ford F250 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck
Go figure it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85.
I returned to the dealer yesterday
Because I couldn't get the radio to work…
The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson,' the technician said to the  radio.
The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again'
Came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant
' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days,
Every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,'
I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some guy ran a red light
And nearly creamed my new truck,
But I swerved in time to avoid him.
I yelled, 'Ass Hole!'
Immediately the radio responded with,
Ladies and gentlemen,
The President of The
United States

Damn I love this truck....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on August 31, 2010, 04:48:18 PM
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly
behaved three-year-old grandson.
It's obvious that he has his hands full, what with the child
screaming at the top of his lungs for sweets in the sweet aisle,
biscuits in the biscuit aisle, and for fruit, cereal and pop in the
other aisles.
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a calm,
controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be much longer... easy,
boy."
Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say, "It's okay,
William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in
there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart,
and Gramps says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax
buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool,
William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is
loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the
gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there.
I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your
composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just
calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to
have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William.  The little
pin head's name is Charlie."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fightingquaker13 on August 31, 2010, 11:29:43 PM
An American tourist goes to Scotland to see his ancestoral home. He arrives at a quaint village and walks through the narrow cobblestone streets. He is particularly impressed with a stone bridge over a small stream, amazed at its craftsmanship. He then finds that he has developed a bit of a thirst. He introduces himself to a man walking by, saying "I'm John Macpherson, I'm from America and I was looking for a pub. Is there one here"?
The man says, "Aye. And a good one too. I'm Ewan Macpherson, the plumber, and its good to meet a cousin. Macpherson the American, I like the sound o' that. Let me show you the way".
The American winds up in a pub in the middle of the afternoon.
There's just the barkeep and an old man at the end of the bar. The American, looking to learn some local history, sits down next to the old man who's just finished his pint.
He Says "Bar keep, I'm John Macpherson the American. I'd like a pint of your local and one for my friend here".
The bar tender replies "I'm George Macpherson, the barkeep, I'll be happy to pour one for both of you".
While he's doing that, the tourist remarks on the lovely wood work on the bar.
The old man says, "I'm Angus Macpherson, and I built that bar. Started with planks I did, and look at how she turned out".
The American is taken aback, but notes the bar tender nodding, and so assumes he's being told the truth.
"Lovely work" he says.
Aye, it is, if I do say so myself".
"Well that's really amazing, I've rarely seen woood work like that".
"Thank you, but its nothing compared tae ma' bridge'.
You built that"?
"Aye".
"Well, thats even more impressive. What do they call you then, since all of you Macphersons identify themselves by trade, because wood work and stone craft, and you seem to have mastered both"?
"Well that's the hell of it", says the old man. "I build a beatiful bar and a right braw bridge. Is it Macpherson the bridge builder? Is it Macpherson the carpenter? Nae, it is not! But ye f..k just one sheep........ ;D
FQ13
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on September 03, 2010, 03:13:38 PM
 
Little Firefighter

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. ‘That sure is a nice fire truck,’ the firefighter said with admiration.

‘Thanks,’ the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer.  The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

‘Little partner,’ the firefighter said, ‘I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.’

The little girl replied thoughtfully, ‘You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.’
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on September 03, 2010, 04:09:48 PM
was wincing and laughing at the same time....thanks, Red  :-\
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on September 03, 2010, 04:49:27 PM
Little Johnny is playing with a squirt bottle of turpentine.
The local Priest, trying to steer Johnny away from the dangerous chemicals, offers him a trade, for a bottling of Holy water saying," This is the most powerful liquid there is, put a little on a woman's stomach and she will pass a baby."
Johnny replied," No deal, put a little of this on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Ferrari."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on September 03, 2010, 09:56:11 PM
An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbours dog whilst the neighbours went on their holidays.


      The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a bitch that was on 'heat' and the neighbours dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.


      One night she went to bed but unfortunately she forgot to close the door properly from the rooms that separated the two dogs and the inevitable occured.


      As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly awakened by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs.


      Putting on her dressing gown she rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating.


      The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage.


      Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.


      Then she remembered that the village had acquired a new young vet who had moved into the village with his pretty young wife.


      Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.


      The spinster explained the problem, so the vet said, " Have you sprinkled cold water over them?"

      The spinster said, "I have done that but to no avail"


      "Have you tried shouting at them?" The vet inquired.


      "I have done that also but again to no avail" Said the spinster.


      There was a long pause whilst the vet thought the problem through.


      "I know" He said, "Has your phone got an extension lead that is long enough to reach the dogs?"

      "Yes it will easily reach were the dogs are." Said the spinster.


      The vet then said. "I want you to replace the receiver and take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should
make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the bitch"


      "Oh" Said the spinster. "Do you think that will work?"


      "Well" The vet replied "It just worked with me".
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: m25operator on September 03, 2010, 10:52:31 PM
Damn Maj, that was funny. ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on September 04, 2010, 07:45:28 PM
Video of the week, right at the end.
All I can say is, Hey, I hear banjo's.

http://www.pjtv.com/?cmd=mpg&mpid=115&load=4100
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on September 05, 2010, 06:46:24 AM
That is so funny I have only one thing to say....."NO COMMENT"!

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on September 05, 2010, 12:44:10 PM
That is so funny I have only one thing to say....."NO COMMENT"!

Richard

Been intimate with a hay balers, there, Richard? ? ? ? ?    ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fightingquaker13 on September 05, 2010, 10:15:13 PM
Video of the week, right at the end.
All I can say is, Hey, I hear banjo's.

http://www.pjtv.com/?cmd=mpg&mpid=115&load=4100
Sweet lord! This is a man who doesn't need a gun. No one will mess with someone that batshit crazy. ;D
FQ13
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on September 06, 2010, 06:14:32 AM
NO nor sheep either!  LOL

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: rat31465 on September 06, 2010, 10:26:02 AM
The Man Rules

 At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

 Finally , the guys' side of the story.

( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
 We always hear " the rules "
 From the female side.


 Now here are the rules from the male side.

 These are our rules!
 Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
 ON PURPOSE!

 1. Men are NOT mind readers.

 1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
 You're a big girl... If it's up, put it down.
 We need it up, you need it down.
 You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it
 down.

 1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
 or the changing of the tides.
 Let it be.

 1. Crying is blackmail.

 1. Ask for what you want.
 Let us be clear on this one:
 Subtle hints do not work!
 Strong hints do not work!
 Obvious hints do not work!
 Just say it!

 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost
 every question.

 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving
 it. That's what we do.
 Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an
 argument.
 In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
 Don't ask us.

 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one
 of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

 1. You can either ask us to do something
 Or tell us how you want it done.
 Not both..
 If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

 1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say
 during commercials..

 1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither
 do we.

 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows defaul t
 settings.
 Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is
 also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
>
 1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
 We do that.

 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"
 We will act like nothing's wrong.
 We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
 Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you
 wear is fine... Really .

 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless
 you are prepared to discuss such topics as guns , hunting , fishing , baseball or
 motor sports

 1. You have enough clothes.

 1. You have too many shoes.

 1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

 1. Thank you for reading this.
 Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

 But did you know men really don't mind that? It's
 like camping.
__________________
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: rat31465 on September 06, 2010, 10:28:10 AM
They Walk amoungst us!

The following is a story reported to have happened in an AP Government
class:

In the civics class, some "young adults" were discussing the
qualifications to be president of the United States. That should have
been reasonably simple.

Premise: The candidate must be a natural born citizen and at least 35
years of age (sounds a lot like the Constitution, doesn't it?).

One girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair the
requirement was to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion
was this:

- said requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming
president.

The class was just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's
jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating......

"What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this
country than one born by C-section?"



Yes, they walk among us and some can even vote!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on September 06, 2010, 10:37:07 AM

A guy went on a date but couldn't close the deal. He was driving home wishing he had gotten lucky when he spotted a pumpkin patch. He thought, "Hey these things are still warm from the daytime sun" so he cut a hole in one and "went to town" on the pumpkin. A cop stopped, approached him and said, "Hey what the heck are you doing"?  The guy looked up and said, "Don't tell me it's midnight already"!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on September 07, 2010, 10:26:54 AM
The latest cool look in Hollywood?  Wait till your kid comes home with THIS!

(http://lolsnaps.com/upload_images/real/897.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on September 07, 2010, 10:31:30 AM
They needed to post a sign for this?   :(

(http://lolsnaps.com/upload_images/real/894.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on September 07, 2010, 10:44:01 AM
Ummm.  Well, you know who.  ;)

(http://www.chilloutpoint.com/images/2010/08/animals-behave-like-people/animals-behave-like-people-17.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: shooter32 on September 07, 2010, 10:51:47 AM
Ummm.  Well, you know who.  ;)

(http://www.chilloutpoint.com/images/2010/08/animals-behave-like-people/animals-behave-like-people-17.jpg)


Nope,he wouldn't drink a budlight.... making his own brew now!  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on September 07, 2010, 10:55:28 AM
And ya know why Bud Lite is like making love in a canoe???  'Cause they're both effing near water!

Haz wouldn't be caught dead with anything called light beer.  By the way, the latest batch of brew is truly excellent.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on September 07, 2010, 11:35:03 AM
They needed to post a sign for this?   :(

(http://lolsnaps.com/upload_images/real/894.jpg)

Must be along a road in South Dakota. 

State Motto:  South Dakota, where the men are men and the sheep are nervous.


Sorry Tom....I probably just cost us 3 electoral votes.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on September 07, 2010, 11:47:18 AM
Q:  Why does Michelle Obama always take the top?

A:  All Barack can do is screw up.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on September 07, 2010, 01:02:47 PM
Ummm.  Well, you know who.  ;)

(http://www.chilloutpoint.com/images/2010/08/animals-behave-like-people/animals-behave-like-people-17.jpg)

Bud Light!!!!!!!!!   NEVER!

;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on September 07, 2010, 05:08:17 PM
Ummm.  Well, you know who.  ;)

(http://www.chilloutpoint.com/images/2010/08/animals-behave-like-people/animals-behave-like-people-17.jpg)

Haz would become a Glock Man before drinking Bud Light!!!    ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on September 07, 2010, 05:52:55 PM
Haz would become a Glock Man before drinking Bud Light!!!    ;D

DAMN!  You put some hard choices on me!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: GASPASSERDELUXE on September 07, 2010, 06:44:25 PM




 
A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut-off a man´s testicles, we put it into another man and in 6 weeks he is looking for work"

The German doctor comments:"That´s nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out from a person, we put it into another person´s head and in 4 weeks he is looking for
work"
 
A Russian doctor says: That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart out from a person, we put it into another person´s chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for work.
 
The US doctor answers immediately: That´s nothing colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA (about a year ago) we grabbed a person with no brains, no heart and no balls....we put him as President and now....the whole country is looking for work!!!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on September 07, 2010, 07:13:05 PM
Haz would become a Glock Man before drinking Bud Light!!!    ;D

Anything is better than Bud Light.

I tried some and it tasted terrible.  So terrible that I put a sample in a jar, sealed it, and sent it to a friend of mine who works in a chemical analysis lab, asking him to tell me what he thinks.

A few days later I got a phone call from him.

He said.   "Vince, I have some bad news for you.  Your horse has diabetes."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on September 07, 2010, 07:43:44 PM
Ummm.  Well, you know who.  ;)

(http://www.chilloutpoint.com/images/2010/08/animals-behave-like-people/animals-behave-like-people-17.jpg)

Bud Light!!!!!!!!!   NEVER!

;D

That's why it is such a horrible vision!

I just had tio run the photo again tho . . . . .  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: seeker_two on September 07, 2010, 10:14:24 PM
Ummm.  Well, you know who.  ;)

(http://www.chilloutpoint.com/images/2010/08/animals-behave-like-people/animals-behave-like-people-17.jpg)

...and we know what he's watching....

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on September 08, 2010, 02:29:35 AM
(http://lolsnaps.com/upload_images/real/894.jpg)

That is obviously CATTLE country,
The meaning is obvious
                     " NO F*CKING SHEEP !"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on September 08, 2010, 05:57:03 AM
(http://lolsnaps.com/upload_images/real/894.jpg)

That is obviously CATTLE country,
The meaning is obvious
                     " NO F*CKING SHEEP !"




guess that is Not New Zealand

(http://www.stellaparker.com/funny1/pics/2002/Sheep_fucker.jpg)


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on September 08, 2010, 10:19:03 PM
You ever see your cat having a nightmare and wonder.  "What could he possibly be dreaming about?"


(http://jontownsend.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/wtf-pics-pink-guy.jpg?w=340&amp;h=500)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on September 09, 2010, 12:14:54 PM
My kitty would be purrin' dreaming about that.....    ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 09, 2010, 12:17:04 PM
My kitty would be purrin' dreaming about that.....    ;D ;D ;D

(http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ZOjjS42PwYrKpM:http://mcsherry.org/ScaredFace.jpg&t=1)


 :o  :o 

;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fightingquaker13 on September 09, 2010, 01:30:08 PM
(http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ZOjjS42PwYrKpM:http://mcsherry.org/ScaredFace.jpg&t=1)


 :o  :o 

;D
There you go Peg. The clothes DO make the man. We've obviously missed a trick here.
FQ13 who should google "pink latex mouse ears". No, seriously, chicks dig them. ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on September 09, 2010, 02:14:42 PM
My kitty would be purrin' dreaming about that.....    ;D ;D ;D

Red, we don't get enough of you here  :D :D :D

And I know I'm gonna regret saying that, but it is refreshing to have our perspective spun 180 degrees occasionally  :D :D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on September 09, 2010, 02:15:25 PM
Does God have a sense of humor or what?
An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the
bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder &
saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on
top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw
to strike him.

At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:
'Oh my God!'

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist
and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'

'Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be
hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now,
but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very well', said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear
dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head &
spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty
through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on September 09, 2010, 02:15:57 PM
FQ13 who should google "pink latex mouse HANDLES". No, seriously, chicks dig them. ;D

Had to fix it for ya    ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fightingquaker13 on September 09, 2010, 02:24:30 PM
Had to fix it for ya    ;D
Are you single?
FQ13
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on September 09, 2010, 02:30:21 PM
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?'

 

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

 

As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead ones all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the alligator onto its back.

 

 

Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration...

 

 

 SHIT! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on September 09, 2010, 07:17:04 PM
Are you single?
FQ13

No, but you are . . . .


And I doubt that Red was looking at the pink latex mouse ears either!  :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on September 13, 2010, 11:28:42 AM
A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.
  She was awake, so he examined her.   
"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked,   
"How long will it be before I am able to have
a normal sex life again doctor?"


The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl..... 
"What's the matter Doctor?  I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine.
It's just that no one has ever asked me that
after having their tonsils out."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on September 13, 2010, 03:40:14 PM
Good one Red.  :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on September 13, 2010, 04:33:31 PM
A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.
  She was awake, so he examined her.   
"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked,   
"How long will it be before I am able to have
a normal sex life again doctor?"


The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl..... 
"What's the matter Doctor?  I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine.
It's just that no one has ever asked me that
after having their tonsils out."

Have you got her phone number?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 13, 2010, 05:39:35 PM
Have you got her phone number?

No, but I think her name was Linda something or another..........er, Lovelace, that's it....Linda Lovelace.   :o  :o


 ;)  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on September 13, 2010, 05:41:14 PM
No, but I think her name was Linda something or another..........er, Lovelace, that's it....Linda Lovelace.   :o  :o


 ;)  ;D

I have it good authority that Linda WAS NOT a blond......

Talented?  Yes!  Blond?  No!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 13, 2010, 05:42:30 PM
I have it good authority that Linda WAS NOT a blond......

Talented?  Yes!  Blond?  No!

I figured it wouldn't take long for one of ya to think of that....but what the heck, it sounded good.   :-*   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on September 13, 2010, 05:48:13 PM
I figured it wouldn't take long for one of ya to think of that....but what the heck, it sounded good.   :-*   ;D

Well Peg.....

Since statistics show that only 5% of the worlds population is actually, truly blond, the odds are that most of the women we've met that looked blond, probably weren't.

Carpet.....drapes......you know that.....digression into locker room stuff...

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: JC5123 on September 13, 2010, 05:50:18 PM
Well Peg.....

Since statistics show that only 5% of the worlds population is actually, truly blond, the odds are that most of the women we've met that looked blond, probably weren't.

Carpet.....drapes......you know that.....digression into locker room stuff...

 ;D

Do you know how bad you people have corrupted me?!?!?!?! I used to be innocent.  ;) Now I'm turning into a dirty old man! Thanks a lot!   ;D ;D ;D
Title: Classic Joke thread.
Post by: Timothy on September 13, 2010, 05:55:16 PM
Do you know how bad you people have corrupted me?!?!?!?! I used to be innocent.  ;) Now I'm turning into a dirty old man! Thanks a lot!   ;D ;D ;D

You're welcome!

 ;D ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on September 13, 2010, 06:38:47 PM
All right!  Which one of you guys twisted JC's arm and forced him to become corrupted?????


Richard


PS:  You don't become a "Dirty Old Man"...you age into it naturally!   LOL
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 13, 2010, 07:23:13 PM
Do you know how bad you people have corrupted me?!?!?!?! I used to be innocent.  ;) Now I'm turning into admitting that I am a dirty old man! Thanks a lot!   ;D ;D ;D

FIFY

The truth shall set you free my brother...........  ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on September 13, 2010, 08:48:23 PM
I'm not a dirty old man.  I'm an oversexed senior citizen.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: CJS3 on September 13, 2010, 11:45:37 PM
I'm not a dirty old man.  I'm an oversexed senior citizen.   ;D

"That's right, I'm a dirty old man. And I'm gonna be a dirty old man, until I'm a dead old man." - Red Foxx 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on September 14, 2010, 08:04:43 PM
I met a fairy today who said she would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.
 
"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Democrats get their heads out of their asses!"

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on September 17, 2010, 06:24:13 AM
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.

"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.

"Did he tell you what caliber to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on September 17, 2010, 10:08:21 AM
The differences between then and now:


1978:  Long hair
2010:  Longing for hair


1978: KEG  
2010:  EKG


1978  :  Acid rock
2010:  Acid reflux




1978:  Moving to   California  because it's  cool
2010:  Moving to   Arizona  because it's warm




1978:  Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor  
2010:  Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or  Liz Taylor


1978:  Seeds and stems  
2010:  Roughage  



1978:  Hoping for a  BMW
2010:  Hoping for a BMW  



1978:  Going to a new, hip joint  
2010:  Receiving a new hip joint



1978:  Rolling Stones  
2010:  Kidney Stones  



1978:  Screw the system  
2010:  Upgrade the system



1978:  Disco
2010:  Costco  



1978:  Parents begging you to get your hair  cut
2010:  Children begging you to get their heads  shaved



1978:  Passing the drivers' test  
2010:  Passing the vision test  



1978:  Whatever
2010:  Depends


Just  in case you weren't feeling too old today, this  will certainly change things. Each year the  staff at   Beloit   College  in   Wisconsin  puts together a list to try to give the faculty  a sense of the Mindset of this year's incoming  freshmen. Here's this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across  the nation were born in 1992.  



They are too young to remember the space shuttle  blowing up.


Their lifetime has always included  AIDS.  


Bottle caps have always been screw off and  plastic.  


The CD was introduced 2 years before they were born.  


They have always had an answering machine.  


They have always had cable.  


They cannot fathom not having a remote  control..  


Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight  Show.  


Popcorn  has always been cooked in the  microwave.


They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.  


They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.


They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.


They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a  mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de  plane.."


They do not care who shot J. R. And have no idea who  J. R. Even is.


McDonald's  never came in Styrofoam containers.  


They don't have a clue how to use a  typewriter.  


Do  you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old  fogies on your list. Notice the larger type,  that's for those of you who have trouble  reading..
 

So  have a nice day!!!!! It is good to have friends  who know about these things and are still alive  and kicking!!!!  
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: JC5123 on September 17, 2010, 10:55:58 AM
Old people sense of humor.....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on September 17, 2010, 11:02:00 AM
(http://www.downrange.tv/forum/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=1199.0;attach=6995;image)

(http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/rolling.gif)(http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/rolling.gif)(http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/rolling.gif)(http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/rolling.gif)(http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/rolling.gif)(http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/rolling.gif)(http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/rolling.gif)(http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/rolling.gif)(http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/rolling.gif)(http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/rolling.gif)(http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/rolling.gif)(http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/rolling.gif)(http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/rolling.gif)(http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/rolling.gif)(http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/rolling.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on September 17, 2010, 05:48:15 PM
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.

I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, Kathy is watching from the kitchen window,

Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me,

'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and said,

'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on September 18, 2010, 02:57:21 PM
For an extra $59.99 we offer our new "subliminal message pattern"...  


(http://www.bnfusa.com/_Store_Support/Images/LUBPSMIC/LUBPSMIC_800.jpg)

Found to be most effective on blondes in Poland.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 20, 2010, 12:46:00 PM
"YOU MIGHT BE A MUSLIM IF..."
 
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
10. Your cousin is president of the United States
11. You find this offensive or racist and don't forward it.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on September 20, 2010, 12:54:12 PM
The following is stolen borrowed from Sheriff Jim Wilson:


Q)  Why don't women play pro football?

A)  You could never get 11 of them to wear the same outfit.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on September 20, 2010, 01:04:28 PM
The following is stolen borrowed from Sheriff Jim Wilson:


Q)  Why don't women play pro football?

A)  You could never get 11 of them to wear the same outfit.

 :D :D :D   I was thinking something similar the other day. 

If two men showed up someplace with the same outfit, it would be a"bonding" event.  They'd be laughing as they complimented each other on their taste in clothes, maybe ask how much they paid for it, looking for good buys, and discuss other sources of gear.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 20, 2010, 01:30:45 PM
:D :D :D   I was thinking something similar the other day. 

If two men showed up someplace with the same outfit, it would be a"bonding" event.  They'd be laughing as they complimented each other on their taste in clothes, maybe ask how much they paid for it, looking for good buys, and discuss other sources of gear.

And if it were two women, they'd be arching their backs, hissing, spitting...and then it'd be on like frozen neck bones.......
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: rat31465 on September 20, 2010, 03:59:09 PM
"it'd be on like frozen neck bones." 
That is a new one for me.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on September 20, 2010, 04:04:00 PM
Tolerance

 
I am shocked that so many Americans are against building a mosque near Ground Zero.
We should allow it, but in order to promote tolerance.......

I propose that a gay nightclub be opened next door to the mosque to promote

tolerance in the mosque.   We could call it "The Turban

Cowboy" or "You Mecca Me Hot". 



Next door on the other side, could be a butcher shop that specializes in pork

and pork products, and makes a nice lunchtime pulled pork sandwich. 
 


Then across the street, a very daring lingerie store, called "Victoria

Keeps Nothing Secret.



And of course, what area wouldn't be complete without a three girl nudie

carwash called The Three Mosqueteers



And, skin heads & white supremacists would be renting a store front

tattoo parlor just above the butcher shop, which would of course be just a few

feet down from the Armed Forces Recruiting Office  just a step or two from

the VA administration office


 


To make the neighborhood and street complete I also propose that we build the

largest Southern Baptist Church in the country with shared parking with the

mosque, which must allow use of their parking lot for old fashioned tent

revivals.


 


You know....just to promote that, tolerance thing!


 


Oh yeah, I almost forgot, Hells Angels are looking for a new area for

a clubhouseare you thinking what I’m thinking?

Yep, I know the perfect area.


 


Hey, just trying to promote that tolerance thing. I’m a good person

who has concern for my fellow citizens what can I say?


 


If your tolerance promoting is similar to mine then by all means pass this

along, especially to  politicians everywhere.


 


Signed,


 


Bubba Ray Smith, TPM (tolerance promoting manager)


The good ole US of A


 


*This message was made in America

without harming any cats or dogs or fish or horses, or

cows or chickens or pigs or ferrets.


 


PS: Gosh I love this country. Wish everybody did.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on September 20, 2010, 06:06:01 PM
Best idea I've heard in a long time...ya got my vote!

Richard

PS:  Ain't TOLERANCE grand!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: m25operator on September 20, 2010, 08:35:15 PM
All you TX guys, when you go hog hunting, and you kill those old big uneatable boars, send them to ground zero and have them thrown in, all you Newyorkers get the butchers to donate the pork spoils and do the same thing.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on September 21, 2010, 02:41:15 AM
Oh yeah, I almost forgot, Hells Angels are looking for a new area for

a clubhouseare you thinking what I’m thinking?

Yep, I know the perfect area.

UP YOURS ! The HA are about the only business here that isn't closing or burning down .
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fightingquaker13 on September 21, 2010, 02:51:03 AM
Red
You've nailed it. You want tolerance? Fine, I'm all in favor. Build what you want on your land. I won't bitch about it. Just don't come crying when I do the same. ;D
Fq13
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: rat31465 on September 21, 2010, 05:04:04 AM
Sounds like the current administration....Were going to take tolerence and force it down your throats whether you want it or not.... :-X
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on September 21, 2010, 08:41:11 AM
Closer to reality everyday  ;D ;D

Makin' Bacon  your 24/7 Bacon Bistro......  Allah you can eat, one low price 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fightingquaker13 on September 21, 2010, 11:28:22 AM
Closer to reality everyday  ;D ;D

Makin' Bacon  your 24/7 Bacon Bistro......  Allah you can eat, one low price 
You forgot the topless waitresses, bottomless pitchers during happy hour, Muhammed dart boards, and the Marine Corps recruiting booth in the back. It would be reserved for the the toughest sergeant in the Corps, as God knows they'd all be fighting for the job. ;D
FQ13
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on September 21, 2010, 08:29:36 PM
Editor's Note.........this post is strictly che(tongue)ek.

The Top 10 Gun Safety Tips:
(http://i414.photobucket.com/albums/pp225/tt11758/Various%20Pics/GunSafetyRules.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on September 23, 2010, 10:28:15 AM
Sick Paki Jokes

1. Rumour has it that the floods in Pakistan were started be a suicide plumber
 
2. There's a new curry been brought out in aid of the Pakistani flood disaster victims. It's a chicken bury auntie, served with nan dead and poppa gone.
 
3. The BNP have donated 6000 crocodiles to the Pakistani flood appeal.
 
4. The Queen has sent a letter of condolence to the Pakistani president. She wanted to mention that Britain has plenty of spare pakis if they want some back.
 
5. I bet little Mohammed isn't having to walk 3 miles fetch water now!  I think I'll ask for my £1 a month donation back.
 
6. What do you call a Pakistani flood survivor................ ......Mustafa dinghy.
 
7. A new film has been made about the floods in Pakistan . It's called ' Water shit drown'
 
8. What goes around comes around. Pakistanis have been flooding Britain for years.
 
9. From space, Pakistan looks like a giant bowl of coco pops.
 
9. There is a new diet sweeping Pakistan . It's called swim fast.
 
10. Charity single just released for the Pakistani flood disaster...........Rain drops keep falling on Ahmed
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: m25operator on September 23, 2010, 07:35:36 PM
Damn Sledge.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on September 24, 2010, 04:00:49 AM
Getting back to the Mosque at "Ground Zero", It would be terrible if someone would spray bacon grease or throw pig droppings or something like that around so as to defile the area!

JMHO

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on September 26, 2010, 07:12:56 PM


Interesting piece of history.

 

In1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine ..


 In1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: m25operator on September 26, 2010, 07:15:27 PM
Majer, that's funny. LOL
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on September 27, 2010, 08:56:34 AM
In the sleepy village of Erbum near the town of Tillet in Hertfordshire, lives a woman called Linda Lykes.
she is the land-lady of the local pub, The Cockwell Inn.

for some unknown reason, she gets embarrassed whenever she receives her mail:



Linda Lykes
The Cockwell Inn
Erbum
Tillet
Herts
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on September 27, 2010, 12:31:14 PM

(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs222.snc4/38439_1282210069916_1670020729_544837_6969822_n.jpg)

(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/hs354.snc3/29316_122015991171329_100000887853679_109249_4249459_n.jpg)

(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/hs102.snc3/14993_109730222374205_100000116825772_268073_4999858_n.jpg)

(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/hs082.snc3/14993_109730159040878_100000116825772_268068_8284167_n.jpg)















And NEVER tell the guy giving you a tatoo you forgot your wallet at home...
(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash1/hs483.ash1/26428_1241691327985_1400372282_30530475_2434088_n.jpg)
(http://)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on September 27, 2010, 05:04:48 PM
(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/demotivational-posters-tramp-stamps.jpg)

WOW...  So much to think about!  Good thing I won't forget her name.  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on September 27, 2010, 05:06:19 PM
(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/demotivational-posters-guinea-pigs.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on September 27, 2010, 05:07:56 PM
(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/demotivational-posters-untitled.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on September 27, 2010, 05:09:23 PM
(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/demotivational-posters-marketing.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on September 27, 2010, 05:10:19 PM
(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/demotivational-posters-remember.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on September 27, 2010, 05:35:12 PM
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on September 27, 2010, 07:13:55 PM
(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs391.snc4/45469_432857261768_692986768_4910433_3499982_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on September 27, 2010, 08:46:58 PM
Which one of you is this???

(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/demotivational-posters-is-it-loaded.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on September 27, 2010, 08:50:27 PM


(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/demotivational-posters-ball-kick.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on September 29, 2010, 09:40:35 AM
Kids books you will never see...


You Were an Accident

Strangers Have the Best Candy

The Little Sissy Who Snitched

Some Kittens Can Fly!

Getting More Chocolate on Your Face

Where Would You Like to be Buried?

Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her

The ADD Association's Book of Wild Animals and...Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!

All Dogs Go to Hell

The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking

Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?

Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

Bi-Curious George

Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

You Are Different and That's Bad

Dad's New Wife Timothy

Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games

Testing Home-made Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets

The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad

Babar Meets the Taxidermist

Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Moms Purse

The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead

How To Become the Dominant Military Power in Your Elementary School

Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on September 29, 2010, 11:23:12 AM
Kids books you will never see...


You Were an Accident

Strangers Have the Best Candy

The Little Sissy Who Snitched

Some Kittens Can Fly!

Getting More Chocolate on Your Face

Where Would You Like to be Buried?

Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her

The ADD Association's Book of Wild Animals and...Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!

All Dogs Go to Hell

The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking

Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?

Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

Bi-Curious George

Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

You Are Different and That's Bad

Dad's New Wife Timothy

Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games

Testing Home-made Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets

The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad

Babar Meets the Taxidermist

Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Moms Purse

The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead

How To Become the Dominant Military Power in Your Elementary School

Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear


I wish you had posted this in May, some of those would have been on my summer reading list.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 29, 2010, 12:14:03 PM
Kids books you will never see...


Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

Testing Home-made Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets

Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy


My favorites....  ;D ....funny stuff Majer.  :D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steyr M40A1 on September 30, 2010, 07:06:00 AM
Top 9 Lesser known Dr Seuss books (only because I cant remember #10)
The grinch that stole Columbus day
Horton hires a hoe
Who shat in the hat
My pocket rocket needs a socket
The cat in the blender
The grinch's 10inches
Your colon can moo, can you
Oh the places you scratch and sniff
Fox in detox
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ratcatcher55 on October 01, 2010, 10:14:53 AM
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in   Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well-known for  its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, ' Do you have a license to catch those fish? '


' Naw, sir ' , replied the redneck.  ' I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish. '

' Pet fish? '

' Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let '  em swim ' round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take ' em home. '

' That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that. '

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said,  ' It's the  truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works. '

' O. K.. ' , said the warden. ' I've got to see this! '

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, ' Well? '

' Well, what? ' , says the redneck.

The warden says, ' When are you going to call them back? '

' Call who back? '

' The FISH ' , replied the warden!

' What fish? ' , replied the redneck.


Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on October 01, 2010, 11:49:49 AM
While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '

An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'

'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit, now it's called The Box Office.'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ratcatcher55 on October 05, 2010, 09:57:31 AM
"Elk Sex"
 
 Two guys are drinking in a bar.
 
 One says, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
 
 "Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW!"       
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on October 05, 2010, 04:30:26 PM
Shooting fun with Abdule.

Adult content advisory:
http://www.break.com/index/recoilrifle.html (http://www.break.com/index/recoilrifle.html)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on October 05, 2010, 06:38:21 PM
Quick question....if that's a Taliban recoiless rifle why are the two guys filming it talking and laughing like they're from Ohio or something? Shouldn't they be blowing these guys asses to kingdom come?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ichiban on October 05, 2010, 07:39:09 PM
Quick question....if that's a Taliban recoiless rifle why are the two guys filming it talking and laughing like they're from Ohio or something? Shouldn't they be blowing these guys asses to kingdom come?

More likely some "operators" training Afghan troops.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on October 05, 2010, 09:22:28 PM
Recoilless rifle. NOT!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 06, 2010, 02:46:01 AM
Recoilless Rifle was a cover name given to a secret project, to keep the Germans and Japanese from finding out that we were working on rocket launchers.
Just like the early armored vehicles were called "Tank" as in "watertank" that one actually seems to have worked.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on October 06, 2010, 03:05:39 PM
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.

WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.



MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

 

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.

 

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

 

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

 

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

 

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

 

'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

 

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

 

HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

 

YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

 

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

 

THEN, THAT UGLY,

 

OLD,

 

BALD,

 

WRINKLED FACED,

 

FAT-ASSED,

 

GRAY-HAIRED,

 

DECREPIT

 

SON-OF-A-BITCH

 

ASKED,

 


'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on October 06, 2010, 05:50:40 PM
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: JC5123 on October 06, 2010, 05:53:23 PM
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.


Ok, somebody is going to have to explain that one to me.  ???
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on October 06, 2010, 09:24:39 PM

Ok, somebody is going to have to explain that one to me.  ???

Now that right there is funny, if, like me, you are the son of a Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region preacher.  Dad did go on to get his PhD in Philosophy of Science, and taught at the college/university level for 40 years, but around the house we were NCB.  And this Crusader wouldn't have pushed the fellow off the bridge.  But, I wouldn't have given him a ride home, either.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fightingquaker13 on October 06, 2010, 10:30:22 PM
Now that right there is funny, if, like me, you are the son of a Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region preacher.  Dad did go on to get his PhD in Philosophy of Science, and taught at the college/university level for 40 years, but around the house we were NCB.  And this Crusader wouldn't have pushed the fellow off the bridge.  But, I wouldn't have given him a ride home, either.
I think the larger point is that religious fanatics deserve each other (though I thought the joke was damn funny). Seriously, Christian, Muslim, Jew, whatever, the danger isn't in speaking with God. Its when youi start thinking he's speaking only to you that the trouble starts. :-\
FQ13 who is an Episcopalian, because being an agnostic might offend someone. ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 06, 2010, 10:43:14 PM
I think the larger point is that religious fanatics deserve each other (though I thought the joke was damn funny). Seriously, Christian, Muslim, Jew, whatever, the danger isn't in speaking with God. Its when youi start thinking he's speaking only to you that the trouble starts. :-\
FQ13 who is an Episcopalian, because being an agnostic might offend someone. ;D

That's Ulster.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fightingquaker13 on October 06, 2010, 10:45:54 PM
That's Ulster.
And your point boy-o? ;D Sorry, that's just the Sullivan side talking.
FQ13
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on October 07, 2010, 07:52:04 AM
And your point boy-o? ;D Sorry, that's just the Sullivan side talking.
FQ13

Ahhhh, the eternal battle between the orange and the green.  What a color barrier THAT has turned out to be.

And that comes from the Mahaffey side o' Crusader.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 07, 2010, 11:55:14 AM
And your point boy-o? ;D Sorry, that's just the Sullivan side talking.
FQ13

My point is that when posting after 10 pm I should have a keeper    ;D
I quoted the wrong post, I meant to quote the joke   ;D
 And between the Bogan's and the Kaneally's I'm going to blow up my own car   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fightingquaker13 on October 07, 2010, 02:42:11 PM
My point is that when posting after 10 pm I should have a keeper    ;D
I quoted the wrong post, I meant to quote the joke   ;D
 And between the Bogan's and the Kaneally's I'm going to blow up my own car   ;D
Now that there is funny as hell. ;D
FQ13
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on October 07, 2010, 07:04:05 PM
Maybe this will help... 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: mkm on October 07, 2010, 07:25:16 PM
I get the concept, but I don't have a clue about the denominations being discussed.  I don't reckon we have too many Northern Baptist down here in the South.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 08, 2010, 10:43:16 AM
I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Kern River this morning and being a responsible citizen, I informed the emergency services.
 
It's 6:00 PM and they still haven't responded!
I'm now starting to think I've wasted a stamp !
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 08, 2010, 11:10:56 AM
A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your Dad  home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on October 09, 2010, 01:30:36 PM
 A young Arab asks his father:

- What is this weird hat that we are wearing ?

- It's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun !

- And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing ?

- It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body !

- And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet ?

- These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert !

- Tell me, papa...

- Yes, my son ?

- ... Why are we living in Dearborn and still wearing all this shit ?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on October 09, 2010, 01:53:08 PM
(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash2/hs375.ash2/65300_1418077177528_1400585412_30957965_8210463_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on October 09, 2010, 02:11:18 PM
How'd you like this pair as new neighbors?

Granny has an interesting grip on that shotty...  ;)

(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs616.snc4/59616_165453133464903_100000006516025_595996_2077126_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on October 09, 2010, 02:24:19 PM
I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.
She said she wanted to be President some day.
Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?'
She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people
 
Her parents beamed with pride.

"Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50.
Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where a homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'

I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on October 09, 2010, 02:33:59 PM
If you squeeze the bottle he says.  "Look me in the eye when you drink that."

(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs024.snc4/33583_1562797440698_1558212185_31387913_4092417_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on October 09, 2010, 02:36:07 PM
(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash2/hs122.ash2/39414_437361251089_562136089_5807687_7258919_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on October 09, 2010, 02:41:34 PM
(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash2/hs333.ash2/61322_1498318171546_1041870200_31283242_4330189_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on October 09, 2010, 03:08:43 PM
Can I get you a refill?

(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs662.snc4/60265_1617152626450_1165387963_31744412_8184522_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on October 09, 2010, 03:14:06 PM
(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs624.snc4/58471_158358914190986_100000506362848_469629_6475086_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on October 09, 2010, 03:15:37 PM
Why California wild fires get out of control...

(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs609.snc4/58955_465187531973_542906973_6715187_4971946_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on October 09, 2010, 03:16:44 PM
(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash2/hs305.ash2/58559_468747278435_719603435_6731601_2952589_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on October 09, 2010, 03:23:58 PM
Ummmm.  Never mind.  ;)

(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash2/hs211.ash2/47374_1381570026647_1453830066_30820969_3342274_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on October 09, 2010, 03:25:14 PM
(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs435.snc4/47774_1615302984324_1288808623_1716524_939426_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on October 09, 2010, 03:34:11 PM
Rogane testing gone ALLLLLL wrong!

(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs293.snc4/40982_1577175235399_1416162602_31509592_8033390_n.jpg)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on October 09, 2010, 03:40:43 PM
I know, it's NOT politically correct, but ANYONE can laugh at it.  :)

(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs626.snc4/58671_151132204914217_100000523142833_373905_88976_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on October 09, 2010, 03:51:29 PM
Mankind:  Helping the environment anyway we can!

(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash2/hs195.ash2/45807_1574360205380_1426825307_1560371_1808041_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on October 09, 2010, 03:58:25 PM
(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs365.snc4/44798_152081438142597_100000222261804_493827_921186_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on October 09, 2010, 04:06:21 PM
Gangsta!  ;D
(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash2/hs134.ash2/40026_1560874666274_1367536801_1470281_6228495_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on October 09, 2010, 04:08:21 PM
(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs267.snc4/39712_1459615903920_1639095412_1059088_8384030_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on October 09, 2010, 04:22:47 PM
Pretty Pretty goes to the beach...













































(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash2/hs094.ash2/38033_416189922678_604357678_4376836_7708111_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on October 09, 2010, 04:24:01 PM
And last but not least.

(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash2/hs108.ash2/38717_1496008233000_1017901867_31439727_6531882_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: CJS3 on October 09, 2010, 09:41:49 PM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on October 10, 2010, 12:10:32 AM
Gangsta!  ;D
(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash2/hs134.ash2/40026_1560874666274_1367536801_1470281_6228495_n.jpg)

That reminds me of a joke.


How does a cub scout become a boy scout?


he eats a brownie.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on October 10, 2010, 06:46:10 AM
Interesting piece of history:



In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine .






In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on October 10, 2010, 08:07:52 AM


 Why I'm divorced . . .

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..   

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,   
'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.   

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'   

I thought....   

Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember.   

 

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word..   
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.   

As I walked into my office, my beautiful secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss,   
and by the way Happy Birthday!‘ It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.   

I worked until one o’clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know,   
It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.’

 

I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let's go!'   

We went to lunch.   But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table.  We had two martinis each   
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.   

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day...   
We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'   

I responded, 'I guess not.  What do you have in mind?'   
She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment; it's just around the corner.’   

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind,   
I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.  I'll be right back.'   
'Ok.' I nervously replied.   

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out   
carrying a huge birthday cake ... followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends   
and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.   

And I just sat there....   

On the couch....   

Naked.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on October 10, 2010, 01:29:35 PM
(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash2/hs072.ash2/36962_1485972342109_1017901867_31412457_375789_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on October 10, 2010, 01:31:05 PM
I'd just like an explanation for the look on her face...   ???

(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs055.snc4/35121_1479585662446_1017901867_31394879_6669364_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on October 10, 2010, 01:35:22 PM
(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs042.snc4/34453_1478490955079_1017901867_31392470_2593414_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on October 10, 2010, 01:45:03 PM
(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash2/hs013.ash2/34002_1503476152715_1408570056_1401428_2321537_n.jpg)

Looks a LOT like the Duke house!  At least we know they haven't been going to school since the show got cancelled.   :(
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on October 11, 2010, 12:33:57 PM
(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash2/hs013.ash2/34002_1503476152715_1408570056_1401428_2321537_n.jpg)

Looks a LOT like the Duke house!  At least we know they haven't been going to school since the show got cancelled.   :(


Actually, I think it's FQ's place.   ;D


Sorry dude, but I couldn't resist.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on October 11, 2010, 01:56:28 PM
Fonix has hym hookt tue!

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on October 12, 2010, 10:10:16 AM
(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/demotivational-posters-breast-enhancement-cookies.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on October 12, 2010, 10:21:04 AM
(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/demotivational-posters-in-soviet-russia.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on October 12, 2010, 10:38:04 AM
(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/demotivational-posters-sadly.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fightingquaker13 on October 12, 2010, 10:49:36 AM

Actually, I think it's FQ's place.   ;D


Sorry dude, but I couldn't resist.
Actually, you beat me to it! I yam, what I yam!
FQ13 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on October 12, 2010, 11:00:09 AM
Quakermobile.  ;)

(http://rds.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0WTefcLhrRMP2IAXKijzbkF/SIG=12uquh4r3/EXP=1286985611/**http%3a//www.streetlegaltv.com/photos/data/547/GeneralLeeScooter_resized.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on October 12, 2010, 11:08:48 AM
(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/01/129091152562092855.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on October 12, 2010, 11:35:12 AM
If women were smart, and really wanted us to give a crap about wedding planning.

(http://cheezhawtness.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/77d0ec1b-04bf-4b99-be70-a05aea20355a.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: JC5123 on October 13, 2010, 02:51:31 PM
BOY WHAT A GREAT WOMAN I AM GLAD TO HEAR THEIR ARE WOMEN WHO THINK ABOUT THIS AND LIVE IT..

        A real woman is a man's best friend.
       
        She will never stand him up and never let him down.

        She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him with his every desire.
       
        She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
       
        She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
       
        She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him 
        to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. 
         
       

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of beer.


        That's what beer does...
        Never mind....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 13, 2010, 10:44:58 PM
A Playboy at the bar, having already downed a few power drinks, turns around, faces her, looks her straight in the eye and says, “Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on; it doesn't matter to me. I just love it!"

Eyes now wide with interest, she responds, "No kidding. I'm in Congress too. What state do you represent?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dakotaranger on October 13, 2010, 11:43:07 PM
You might be a hunter if someone says look at that rack, and you reach for you're deer rifle
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 14, 2010, 02:23:18 AM
What if your GUIDE says "Look at that rack". and you reach for the BIG bino's  ;D   :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 14, 2010, 12:18:07 PM
YMMV....

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 14, 2010, 12:20:53 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on October 15, 2010, 09:06:34 AM

When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and ev ery other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating."  You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual."  Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.
I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfack on October 15, 2010, 11:59:34 AM
Kodak and Nikon have teamed up to create a new camera with the fastest shutter speed ever.

The shutter speed is so fast, they were actually able to capture a woman with her mouth closed.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on October 24, 2010, 04:09:52 PM
Incident At Cabela's

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.'

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'

He replies, 'Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on October 25, 2010, 04:06:26 PM

Church Organist


There was this small church down in Texas  that had a very big-busted
organist. Her breasts were so huge that they  bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation  considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said  something had to be done about this or they would have to get another  organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and  told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of  her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat  any of the green Persimmons, though, 'because they are so sour they will  make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a  while'.

She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning  the minister got up in the pulpit and said...

'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond  my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday.  ;)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 26, 2010, 11:06:19 AM
Statement of the Century comes from actor Billy Connolly:

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 26, 2010, 08:48:27 PM
An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam..I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.

I just bought this hat Yesterday!!!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on October 27, 2010, 03:32:20 PM
Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot
down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and
dinner cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her
hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie. She took my hand and
pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to
tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

And then she said, "Do what ever you want."

So, Here I am!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on October 28, 2010, 12:02:30 PM
Joke of the year...... ( of which I really don't think is humorous at all.. but knew you all would!  ::)

 

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business...




 

 

 

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on October 28, 2010, 03:25:02 PM
Oh Man..... ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: seeker_two on October 28, 2010, 06:31:35 PM
Joke of the year...... ( of which I really don't think is humorous at all.. but knew you all would!  ::)

 

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business...



That's not a joke....that's an Obama Promise....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on October 28, 2010, 07:32:34 PM
Q: On what day of the year to women talk the least?

A: The shortest.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 28, 2010, 11:17:03 PM
I lost the trivia contest at the church social last night by one point.
 
The last question was, "Where do most women have curly hair?

Apparently the correct answer is Africa.   

I've been asked to find another place to worship.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on October 29, 2010, 01:06:50 PM
Alert Levels around the Globe as a result of the recent terrorist threats:
 
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."  Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."  "A Bit Cross" has not been used since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance."  The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
 
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards."  They don't have any other levels.  This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.
 
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide."  The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."  The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

The Italians have increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing."  Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
 
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."  They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

The Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
 
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.  These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
 
The Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.
 
The Australians, meanwhile, have raised their security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate."  Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!, "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and although this one has never been warranted, "The Barbie is cancelled."

The New Zealanders have also raised their security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!"  Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 29, 2010, 09:39:06 PM
Alert Levels around the Globe as a result of the recent terrorist threats:
 


The New Zealanders have also raised their security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!"  Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia  the Marine's will come and rescue us."


FIFY    ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: FSBARAK on October 30, 2010, 06:40:30 PM

 The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.  These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
 

That one made me lol
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on November 01, 2010, 09:51:13 AM
What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a pimple? Pimples wait till you hit puberty before they come on your chin.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: rat31465 on November 01, 2010, 12:31:31 PM
Joke of the year...... ( of which I really don't think is humorous at all.. but knew you all would!  ::)

 

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business...


Speaking as someone who was raised in a home with 5-sisters, having ben married 25 years to a woman who gave me two winderful daughters.  I have to say this joke is hilarious.

 

 

 

 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on November 02, 2010, 12:55:37 AM
FOR A GOOD LAUGH......This is for the over 50 generation:

I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating".  You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual."  Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on November 02, 2010, 12:58:58 AM
I saw a Radical Muslim fall into the icy Ohio River this morning about 8:20.  As a responsible citizen, I informed the local office of emergency services.

It's now 6:00 PM and they still haven't responded!

I'm starting to think I've wasted a stamp.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on November 02, 2010, 01:49:25 AM
I saw a Radical Muslim fall into the icy Ohio River this morning about 8:20.  As a responsible citizen, I informed the local office of emergency services.

It's now 6:00 PM and they still haven't responded!

I'm starting to think I've wasted a stamp.


:-)

Guaranteed to offend some one........
Earlier on today I saw an African kid eating grass by the side of the road.
I stopped & said, "don't eat that, come to my place with me".

The child replied, " I have three brothers & a sister, can they come too"?

I replied, "don't be stupid, I've only got a small lawn".
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Two black fellas see a sign saying, "Make yourself white, $10".

"Lets do it", says Murray.

"All we have is a $20 note though". Says Albert.

"Right, you go first Albert, & when you get the change, I'll go in".

So Albert heads off & comes back two minutes later, all nice & white.
 
"Wow look at you mate, all flash looking eh! Give me the other tenner then".

Albert says, "get stuffed you black prick".
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I feel stupid. I lost the pub trivia on the last question last night.

The question was, "Where do woman have the curliest hair"?
Apparently, the answer is Fiji.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I was at Hungry Jacks this morning, & two Muslim woman,
wearing the brightest head to toe robes I've ever seen, came in.

Apparently, the burkas are better at Hungry Jacks.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
A priest booked into a motel and said, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

The girl behind the counter said, "No, it's just normal porn, you sick prick".
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I walked past an abo sitting on the ground this arvo, & he said,
"Any change mate"?

I said no, you're still a useless black bastard.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

My teenage son just told me he shagged the neighbours daughter
for the first time last night.

"Well done Son", I said, "I hope you used something for personal protection".

"Yeah Dad, a balaclava".
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I've just been banned from a Muslim clothes shop.

I only asked for a bomber jacket.

Touchy bastards.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I'm going to KFC for the Julia Gillard meal deal tonight.

2 small breasts, 2 large thighs, & a big red box.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army Soup Kitchen.
All I said was, "will you bastards hurry up, some of us have a home to go to".
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.
He hypnotised 7 blokes then dropped the mike on his foot & said "f..k me".
What happened next will haunt me forever
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: GASPASSERDELUXE on November 03, 2010, 07:10:16 PM
A young couple were on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there,the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make; the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat chested. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it is okay with her.

The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.

Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it is okay with him.

The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.

They were happy that they were honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married.

On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes; she is as flat as a washboard.

Finally, the guy took off his clothes. After one glance at the guy’s naked body,the girl fainted and fell to the floor.

When she became conscious, the guy asked, “I told you before we got married. Why did you still faint?”
The girl said, “You told me it was just like a baby.”

The guy replied, “It is! 8 pounds and 21 inches long.”

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on November 04, 2010, 03:27:27 AM
Three 3rd Graders: an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Black kid, are on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.


"Okay." They all agree.

The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
"That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out, and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.
Not to be outdone, the Black kid whips his out. It is by far, not only the biggest, but the fattest.


That night, eating dinner at home, the Black kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test, and read out loud from a new book, and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie."


"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.


"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies, and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm Black. Is that true?

No, Leroy. It's because you're eighteen!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: FSBARAK on November 04, 2010, 05:58:01 AM
I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes
(he is 66 years old). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors -- green,
red, orange and blue.

My Dad kept staring at her. The teenager kept looking and would
find my Dad staring every time. When the teenager had had enough,
she sarcastically asked: "What's the matter old man, never done
anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not
choke on his response I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid.

"Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was wondering if you
were my daughter."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on November 04, 2010, 01:31:32 PM
Here is a riddle for the true intellectual.  Try to come up with the answer on your own. The answer is at the bottom for those who are unable to think this one through.

Here's the riddle:


 

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth.

One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor.


The other is getting oral sex from an 85-year-old toothless woman.

They are both thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?

































Answer:
 
Don't look down!!!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 05, 2010, 12:44:56 PM
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

 
However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:

   1. Buying a stronger whip. 

  2. Changing riders.

  3. Threatening the horse with termination.

  4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

  5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

  6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

  7. Appointing an intervention team to reanimate the dead horse.

  8. Creating a training session to increase the riders load share.

  9. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

10. Change the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead."

11. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

12. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.

13. Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its full original cost.

14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.

15. Do a time management study to see if the lighter riders would improve productivity.

16. Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses run faster.

17. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.

18. Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses.

19. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for horses.

20. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on November 05, 2010, 01:35:26 PM
A friend of mine who was in Iraq for two years just started his own business.... He's manufacturing land-mines that look like prayer mats.

It’s doing really well. He says Prophets are going through the roof.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on November 05, 2010, 04:28:13 PM
Four Married Guys Go Fishing

 

Four married guys go fishing and after about an hour they start talking about what it took to get out of the house.

 

The first guy says: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend."

 

The second guy says: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool."

 

The third guy says: "Man you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her."

 

As they continue to fish, they realize the fourth guy has not said a word about it.

 

"You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?" said one of the fishermen.

 

The fourth guy says: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on her butt and said, fishing or sex? She said, don't forget to wear sun-block!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on November 07, 2010, 06:14:32 PM
Yankel Goldstein, in his late 80s and still gainfully employed as a
  salesman, has been trying unsuccessfully to sell ribbon to Macy's
  for many years. Last week he made another attempt to speak to the
  anti-Semitic buyer.

  "Goldstein," the buyer says, "you've been trying to sell me ribbon
  for at least 25 years. Now is your chance. Send me enough yellow
  ribbon to reach from the tip of your nose, to the tip of your penis."

  Three days later, 4 tractor trailers full of yellow ribbon drive up
  to Macy's receiving dock.

  The ribbon buyer went ballistic.

  He calls Goldstein and yells.

  "What's going on??? I ordered enough ribbon to reach from the tip of
  your nose to the tip of your penis, and you send me 4 truck loads
  full of ribbon."

  Goldstein replies calmly: "The tip of my penis is in Poland ."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steyr M40A1 on November 07, 2010, 10:01:09 PM
2011 Words Of Michelle Obama Calendar
(http://img2.imagesbn.com/images/62330000/62333303.JPG)

http://search.barnesandnoble.com/2011-Words-Of-Michelle-Obama-Calendar-Box-Calendar/Sellers-Publishing/e/9781416286059/?itm=6&USRI=obama+calendard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: FSBARAK on November 09, 2010, 12:43:06 AM

I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes
(he is 66 years old). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors -- green,
red, orange and blue.

My Dad kept staring at her. The teenager kept looking and would
find my Dad staring every time. When the teenager had had enough,
she sarcastically asked: "What's the matter old man, never done
anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not
choke on his response I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid.

"Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was wondering if you
were my daughter."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on November 09, 2010, 01:04:40 AM
I know it's nit picking, and would totally screw up the story, but, all Peacock's are male.
The females are Peahen's
And a flock of crows is properly called a "murder".
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on November 09, 2010, 12:32:34 PM
I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes
(he is 66 years old). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors -- green,
red, orange and blue.

My Dad kept staring at her. The teenager kept looking and would
find my Dad staring every time. When the teenager had had enough,
she sarcastically asked: "What's the matter old man, never done
anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not
choke on his response I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid.

"Got stoned once and screwed a peacock parrot. I was wondering if you
were my daughter."


There.  FIFY.    ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: JC5123 on November 09, 2010, 01:57:00 PM
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.


George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello,I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team,a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"


George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Don't mess with old people.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: CJS3 on November 10, 2010, 09:03:32 AM
 :'(
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on November 10, 2010, 05:53:32 PM
Italian Pregnancy
 
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
 
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.
 
 
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.     
               
'I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life..
 
 
'Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
 
 
'If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
 
 
'However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
 
 
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shot gun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him.
 
 
'You gonna try again.'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on November 10, 2010, 07:25:56 PM
Marriage is like a deck of cards....................

  

In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

 

By the end .............. you'll wish you had a f#cking club and a spade....

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 10, 2010, 10:33:05 PM
 :) Good one Tom.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on November 10, 2010, 11:40:34 PM
It was an e mail from another divorced guy  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on November 11, 2010, 08:04:37 AM
Marriage isn't a word, it's a Sentence.

Q:  What is the definition of Bigamy?
A:  One wife to many.

Q:  What is the definition on Monogamy?
A:  Same thing.

Of course, married men live longer than single men.....at least it seems longer.

But then a married man is luckier than a single man.  A single man might make a mistake and never know about it.

  
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on November 11, 2010, 08:55:17 AM
(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/demotivational-posters-bad-news-kid.jpg)


(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/demotivational-posters-ever-been-so-angry.jpg)

(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/demotivational-posters-regrets.jpg)

(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/demotivational-posters-what-time-is-it.jpg)

(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/demotivational-posters-the-sheriff.jpg)

(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/demotivational-posters-outsourcing.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on November 11, 2010, 09:06:48 AM
(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/demotivational-posters-in-capitalist-america.jpg)

(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/demotivational-posters-fencing.jpg)

(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/demotivational-posters-stupid-kids.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on November 11, 2010, 06:01:37 PM
Please be advised I am sick of receiving questions about my dog who mauled
3 Muslims sitting on a rug next to my back wall, 6 illegals wearing Obama
t-shirts, 4 Democrats wearing Pelosi t-shirts, 2 rappers, 5 phone operators
who asked me to press #1 for English, 9 teenagers with their pants hanging
down past their cracks, 8 customer service desk people speaking in broken
English, 10 flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver.

FOR THE LAST TIME...  THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!=







I know this is so wrong on so many levels. I'm heading for the corner. Is there any craft beer left? ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on November 12, 2010, 02:12:35 AM
Must be something wrong with me....I don't see a thing wrong with not wanting to sell your dog.

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on November 13, 2010, 01:16:45 PM

 
Undeniable adult truths

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection ... again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still don't know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions, people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey … but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874, and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fightingquaker13 on November 13, 2010, 01:41:10 PM
ROFL! Too true, every single word. My music is on CDs and that's where I'll stay. I ain't "upgrading". Deal with it!
FQ13 Who is still laughing over the Miller Light bit. "Every Kiss Begins With Kay"? Or "Beer, helping ugly people get laid from 1000 BC"? Which slogan do you trust? ;D
FQ13
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on November 15, 2010, 04:02:14 AM
Blonde Joke!!!!!!

The Ventriloquist
 
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show
in a small town in New Brunswick.
 
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde
jokes.
 
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts
shouting,  "Ive heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes!  What makes
you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a
person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?  It's guys like
you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the
community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and
your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes,
but women in general and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister!  I'm talking to that little f....r on your knee!"
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on November 15, 2010, 04:50:08 PM
Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.


Love, Your Son, John


PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.


I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on November 17, 2010, 04:41:55 PM
Nursery Rhymes I Don't Remember Hearing:

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
********************

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
********************

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
********************

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon,
'Pies, you dumb ass' !!
********************

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
********************

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
********************

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
********************

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
******************************************************
Title: Funny Signs
Post by: SwoopSJ on November 17, 2010, 06:57:59 PM
(http://media.rd.com/rd/images/rdc/slideshows/15-silly-signs/Nunagram-af.jpg)

Kinda makes me think of the President / VP deal.   :(


(http://media.rd.com/rd/images/rdc/slideshows/15-silly-signs/Mark-Smith-af.jpg)

Cheating spouse?  This one speaks for itself.   ::)

Swoop

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 22, 2010, 09:16:20 AM
Having served his time, and retired from the Army, Sarge became a school teacher and before school started, he injured his back.

He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't even noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that year.
Title: Re: Funny Signs
Post by: tt11758 on November 22, 2010, 05:49:03 PM



(http://media.rd.com/rd/images/rdc/slideshows/15-silly-signs/Mark-Smith-af.jpg)






Instructions on how to handle ALL attorneys.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on November 22, 2010, 06:12:09 PM
A fireman was polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he noticed a pretty little girl next door sitting in a little red cart with little ladders hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the bottom.

The little girl was wearing a fireman's red, helmet and had tied the cart to a dog and a cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That's a lovely fire engine," he said admiringly.

"Thanks," said the little girl.

The fireman looked closer and noticed that the little girl had tied one of the carts strings to the dog's collar and the other to the cat's testicles.

"Little colleague," said the firefighter. "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster."

A puzzled frown creased the little girl's pretty face for a moment. She looked at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat and then shyly looked into the fireman's eyes and said: "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren, would I?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on November 24, 2010, 09:03:16 AM
The Cremated Husband

 

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

 

"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

 

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

 

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

 

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?" ...... "Here it comes."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on November 25, 2010, 10:31:52 AM
Senior Health Care Solution

So you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you, what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets.
You are allowed to shoot two Congressmen and two illegal immigrants! 

Of
 course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get three
meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning
and all the health care you need!  Need new teeth? No problem.  Need
glasses? That’s great.  Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart?
 They’re all covered.  And, as an added bonus, your kids can come and
visit you as often as they do now.

And who will be paying for all of this?  It’s the same government that just told you that you they
 cannot afford for you to go into a home.

Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.



IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on November 25, 2010, 11:22:13 AM
A  young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The
 parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse  vocabulary.

 Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious
 and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
 change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only
 polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
 think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

 Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
 The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the
 parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation,
 threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the
 freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked
 and screamed.
 Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard
 for over a minute.

 Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened
 the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
 onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I
 may have offended you with my rude language and
 actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my
 inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do
 everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

 John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

 As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
 dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very
 softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on November 25, 2010, 03:08:57 PM
Alcohol Abuse Lecture

 

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 am and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

 

The man replies "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

 

The officer then asks "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

 

The man replies "My wife."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on November 27, 2010, 12:17:34 PM

A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tall tree stand near a highway early on the opening morning of deer season.  Suddenly, a huge buck walked out over the corn field nearby.

The buck was magnificent, a once in a lifetime animal.  His rack was huge.  The hunter's hand shook as his mind was already counting the Boone and Crockett points.  Moving quickly, the hunter carefully aimed the Leopold scope on his .300 Win Mag at the unsuspecting buck.

As he was about to squeeze the trigger on this deer of a lifetime, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing slowly down the highway.  The hunter pulled away from the gun stock, set the rifle down, took off his hat, bowed his head and then closed his eyes in prayer.

His friend was stunned, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen you do.  You actually let that trophy deer go to pay respects to a passing funeral procession.  You are indeed the kindest man I have ever known, and I feel lucky to call you a friend."

The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 37 years."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 27, 2010, 06:50:20 PM
A widowed Jewish lady, still in very good shape, was sunbathing on a deserted beach in Boca Raton, Florida. 

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also still in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him, "How are you  today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
   
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
   
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
   
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.
   
"Yes, I live over in Coral Springs," he answered, and again he resumed reading.
   
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"
   
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
   
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
   
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

 :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on November 28, 2010, 08:43:18 AM
I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my
new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!

 

 

I was somewhat embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry now, relax, I'm a professional -
I've seen it all before.

Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out ."


 

 

 

 


I said, "I think my dick tastes funny..."








I'm on my way to the corner. ;) ;D ;D ;D ;D Is there any Mackinaw Pale Ale left over there?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on November 28, 2010, 08:48:47 AM
Now that right there is funny, I don't care who you are.

Turns out I went to that same gorgeous, young doctor ;D and after she had a quick look, she told me I had to stop masturbating, immediately. 

Fearing the worst, I asked her why? :'(

"Because," she said, " I am trying to perform an examination!"  ;)



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on November 28, 2010, 05:50:45 PM
The Don't ask, Don't tell uniform...

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on November 30, 2010, 11:14:18 PM
the fire cheif speaks the truth...


 In South Los Angeles , a 4-plex was destroyed by a fire.

 A Mexican family of six, all welfare recipients and gang members lived on the first floor, they died. An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya , lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.

 6 LA, Hispanic, Gang Bangers & ex-cons, lived on the 3rd floor and they, too, died.

 A lone, white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.

 Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA and met with the fire chief, on camera. They loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and why only the white couple lived?

The fire chief said, "They were at work.........."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on December 01, 2010, 09:40:49 AM
       
THE ESSENCE OF CHUTZPAH...


 A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would             leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel.
 This went on for more than 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed
 the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him.
 Without blinking an eye she said...”They're 35 cents now."
             

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 03, 2010, 08:04:08 AM
    For the longest time, many of us have been trying to figure out just when profiling of people began.  Well, I believe I found the source of that concern.  The day it all started was March 6, 1836.  On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo.  He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort.  William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall.  These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving toward them.  With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said: "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"

     

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 05, 2010, 11:21:14 PM
Those of us who fall into the world of hi-tech should take note of the importance of correct grammar.

I’ve noticed that many who text message and e-mail have forgotten the "art" of capitalization.

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: rat31465 on December 06, 2010, 07:48:43 PM
May not be a classic...but it sure is a funny one.  Found this at another forum and wanted to share here as well...be sure to watch to the end.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 07, 2010, 02:20:35 PM
A traveling salesman visiting a small town in rural Texas saw a circus banner reading: "Don't Miss The Amazing Texan".
The salesman was curious, so he bought a ticket.
The tent went dark.
Suddenly, trumpets blared, the lights came up, and all eyes turned to the center ring.
There was revealed a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to the table was an old cowboy.
Suddenly, the old cowboy unzipped his jeans, whipped it out, and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause, and the elderly Texan was carried off on their shoulders.
Ten years later, the salesman visits the same little town, and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same banner warning: "Don't Miss the Amazing Texan".
He can't believe the old guy is still alive, much less still doing his act.
So he buys a ticket.
Again, when the center ring is illuminated, there stand the table and the old cowboy.
But this time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table.
The old guy stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly, whips it out, and smashes the coconuts with three amazing swings.
The crowd goes wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible," he tells the old Texan, "but I have to know something. You're older now, so why in the world would you switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," says the old cowboy, "my eyes ain't what they used to be."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on December 07, 2010, 04:53:35 PM
Those of us who fall into the world of hi-tech should take note of the importance of correct grammar.

I’ve noticed that many who text message and e-mail have forgotten the "art" of capitalization.

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
(http://www.iihsupport.org/Smileys/iihforum/lol.gif)

Leave it to me to like the raunchy ones.. LOL
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 08, 2010, 08:14:27 PM
It helps to know your zombies......

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ratcatcher55 on December 10, 2010, 08:17:18 AM
A real woman is a man's best friend. 

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live
without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and
will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. . .



No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer.
That's what beer does...
Never mind.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 10, 2010, 01:04:24 PM
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'

The old man replied,  'It's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown, tie score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha, I'm ahead 14 to 7.' 

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.'

Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally sh!ts in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'   

The old man says, 'Halftime, switch sides'....................
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 10, 2010, 03:07:54 PM
Dear Abby,

    My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest.
    Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more.
    Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's with Muslims.
    Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy!

Can you help?

Signed,

Lost in DC





Dear Lost:

Stop whining, Michelle.
You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with him for two more years!

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on December 10, 2010, 05:47:36 PM
(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs737.snc4/65700_109969815741369_100001850543844_81341_1376176_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: rat31465 on December 12, 2010, 08:09:31 AM
I have always liked the pic "All the Other Reindeer....But here are a few of my other favs.
(http://i367.photobucket.com/albums/oo111/rat31465/evaluation.jpg)
(http://i367.photobucket.com/albums/oo111/rat31465/dogr.jpg)
(http://i367.photobucket.com/albums/oo111/rat31465/santa1.jpg)

And Lastly.....Santa's Summer Job.
(http://i367.photobucket.com/albums/oo111/rat31465/hqdefault.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on December 12, 2010, 12:05:58 PM
This old story out of Texas .  Seems a guy cruises thru a stop sign, or whatever, and gets pulled over by a local policeman.  Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.
 
"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit.  Are you carrying today?"
 
"Yes, I am."
 
"Well then, better tell me what you got."
 
Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket.  There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box.  And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."
 
"Okay," the cop says.  "Anything else?"
 
"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun.  That's about it."
 
"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"
 
"Nope."
 
"Well then, what are you afraid of...?"
 
"Not a goddamned thing..."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: BAC on December 13, 2010, 07:34:13 AM
It helps to know your zombies......



Consider it stolen.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on December 13, 2010, 10:20:41 AM
Company Memo

FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO:  All Employees

DATE:  November 1, 2010

RE:  Gala Christmas Party

 

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!  We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along.  And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.  Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. 

This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

 

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Company Memo

FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO:  All Employees

DATE:  November 2, 2010

RE:  Gala  Holiday  Party

 

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.  We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. 

However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party."  The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. 

There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.

We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

 

Happy now?

 

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Company Memo

FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO:   All Employees

DATE:  November 3, 2010

RE:   Holiday  Party

 

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name.

I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.  How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Company Memo

FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To:  All Employees

DATE:  November 4, 2010

RE:  Generic  Holiday  Party

 

What a diverse group we are!  I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. 

There goes the party!  Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.  Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other.  Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms.  Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food .  The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Company Memo

FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO:  All F*%^ing Employees

DATE:  November 5, 2010

RE:  The F*%^ing Holiday Party

 

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!!  We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. 

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.  They scream when you slice them.  I've heard them scream.  I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss.  I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Company Memo

FROM:  Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE:  November 8, 2010

RE:  Patty Lewis and  Holiday  Party

 

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rdoff with full pay.

Happy Whatever!

Joan

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on December 13, 2010, 10:23:47 AM
Coyote Problem...............


The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue.

What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive.  The males would then be castrated and let loose again.

This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U.S. Forest Service.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.  Finally an old fellow in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said; "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here ..... these coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep ..... they're eatin' 'em!"

The meeting never really got back to order

     
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MinotBob on December 13, 2010, 01:56:32 PM
Sitting together on a train were Obama, George W. Bush, a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.

The blonde girl thinks: Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.

Obama thinks: Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

George Bush thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can slap the crap out of Obama again
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on December 13, 2010, 04:23:08 PM
Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque..  They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it back inside.
 
 
 
 
....now for the best laugh....
A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that
rises into the clouds. Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again,
he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.  Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus!  The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:

"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his
climbing.

"No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"
"Yes, please, my Lord."

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:  "Hey Mohammed, two coffees !!!!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on December 14, 2010, 12:54:26 AM
The Top 15 Reindeer Games

    * 15> Strip poker with Mrs.Claus
    * 14> Attach the Mistletoe to Santa's Ass
    * 13> Spin the Salt Lick
    * 12> Crapping down the chimneys of non-believers
    * 11> Moose or Dare
    * 10> Flying into the "No Fly Zone" over Iraq just to watch Saddam do a slow burn and Santa dampen his Depends
    * 9> Bait-and-Shoot Elmo
    * 8> The Annual Turn-Frosty-Yellow-from-50-Paces Contest
    * 7> Scare the Holy Crap Out of the Airline Pilot
    * 6> Convince the Elves to Eat "Raisinets"
    * 5> Pin the Tail on Santa's Big Fat Animal-Abusing Ass
    * 4> Hide the Venison Sausage with Vixen
    * 3> Elf Tossing
    * 2> Sniff the Tail on the Donkey

      and the Number 1 Reindeer Game...
    * 1> The "Rudolph the Shitfaced Reindeer" Drinking Game

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on December 14, 2010, 01:51:20 AM
MOM  OVER FOR DINNER

You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...

Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the  course of the  meal, Ben's mother couldn't help  but notice how beautiful  Ben's roommate,  Jennifer, was.  Ben's mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between  Ben and  Jennifer and this had only made her  more curious.

Over the  course of the  evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben  and Jennifer  than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know  what you must be  thinking, but I assure you  Jennifer and I are just  roommates." 

About a  week later, Jennifer came to Ben  saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner,  I've been unable to find the beautiful  silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you"'

Ben said,  'Well, I doubt it,  but I'll send her an e-mail just to be  sure. So he sat down and wrote: 
       
       
   
    __________________________________________________________ 

Dear   Mom,

I'm not  saying that you 'did'  take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm  not  saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever  since you were  here for dinner.

Love,   Ben 


__________________________________________________________ 

Several  days later,  Ben  received  an  email back from his mother that read: 
____________________________________________________ 

Dear Son,

I'm not  saying that you 'do'  sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that  you 'do  not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would  have found the  gravy ladle by now.

Love,   Mom

LESSON   OF THE DAY -
NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on December 14, 2010, 08:02:59 AM
This gets better as you read.
Marine Corps Rules:
 
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a '4.'
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10... Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11... Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12... In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13... If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.
 
Navy SEAL's Rules:
 
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust Speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.
 
US Army Rangers Rules:
 
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from 'Higher' to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.
 
US Army Rules:
 
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LTs; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.
 
US Air Force Rules:
 
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask 'What is a gunfight?'
5. Request more funding from Congress with a 'killer' Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine ''key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.
 
 
US Navy Rules:
 
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines
 
 
And the next... (You've got to love the military, and God bless them all.)
 
U.S. Navy Directive 16134 ( Inappropriate T-Shirts )
 
The following directive was issued by the commanding officer (obviously a REMF) of all naval installations in the Middle East .
(It was obviously directed at the Marines.)
 
To: All Commands
Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts
Ref: ComMidEast For Inst 16134//24 K
 
All commanders promulgate upon receipt. The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East :
 
1. 'Eat Pork or Die'
[both English and Arabic versions]
2. 'Shrine Busters'
[Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]
3. 'Goat - it isn't just for breakfast any more.'
[Both English and Arabic versions]
4. 'The road to Paradise begins with me.'
[Mostly Arabic versions, but some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs.]
5. 'Guns don't kill people.
        I kill people.'
[Both Arabic and English versions]
6. 'Pork. The other white meat.'
[Arabic version]
7. 'Infidel'
[English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]
 
The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of this directive.
 
In addition, the following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:
 
1.. 'Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range at 0800 Daily.'
2.. 'Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?'
 
All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt.
   
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on December 14, 2010, 08:45:58 AM
I fully support the US ARMY rules! ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on December 14, 2010, 09:08:13 AM
A city in CA that hosted bases for the 4 major branches of the service announced the time in this manner.

For you boys in the Navy, it's 4 Bells.

For those in the Army, it's 1800  hours.

For our Airmen the time is 6PM

For our brave Marines, the little  hand is on the 6....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on December 15, 2010, 03:42:26 PM
    Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in
    horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
    playing the next hole.

    The ball hit one of the men. 

    He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
    fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
    agony.

    The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
    began to apologize.  'Please allow me to help. I'm a
    Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd
    allow me, she told him.

    'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the
    man replied... He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,
    still clasping his hands there at his groin.

    At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
    She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
    loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

    She administered tender and artful massage for several
    long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

    He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on December 15, 2010, 03:44:59 PM
A burglar broke into a house one night.
 
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked,
'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed.
'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on December 15, 2010, 08:22:57 PM
(http://i812.photobucket.com/albums/zz50/billt460/KFCHillary.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on December 15, 2010, 10:45:59 PM
Peanut Suprise

 

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"

 

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

 

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"

 

Sally replied, "No, Salty."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: FSBARAK on December 20, 2010, 12:01:05 AM


Future Novelists... These are actual analogies and metaphors found
in high school essays

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other
sides gently compressed by a thigh master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances
like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a
guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without
one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the
country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse
without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian
beef.

She had a deep throaty genuine laugh like that sound a dog makes
just before he throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.

He was a tall as a six foot three inch tree.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag
filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced
across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains,
one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the
other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resemble Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
had also never met.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
this plan just might work.

"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a
college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either,
but a really duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on
a landmine or something.

He was deeply in love when she spoke, he thought he heard bells,
as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put
in any pH cleanser.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal
paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower
cost of living, in particular.

"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd
get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread,
a magazine, and some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!"

Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't DO that anymore..... they got
those darn video cameras everywhere you look."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on December 20, 2010, 08:03:10 AM
It was Love at first sight...


I met this good-lookin girl in the park yesterday.
Instantly, sparks flew between us.
She fell at my feet, and I made mad, passionate love to her.

If I'd known how good those taser guns worked, I'd-a got one a long time ago...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on December 20, 2010, 08:59:52 AM
Things getting that desperate, Maj?

;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on December 20, 2010, 09:47:42 AM
Mohammad, an Arab child, entered his classroom on the  first day of
school in   Ohio.

"What is your name?"    asked the teacher. "Mohammad". answered the  kid.
You are in America now.  From now on your name will be Johnny,"
replied  the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammad  returned home. "How was your day, Mohammad?"
    asked his mother.
"My name is not Mohammad.  I’m in America and now my name is  Johnny."
"Ah, are you ashamed of  your name, are you trying to dishonor your
parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" – and she beat
him. Then she called his  father and he too beat  him.
The next day Mohammad  returned to school.. When the teacher saw him
with all the bruises she asked, "What happened
to you little   Johnny"?
"Well ma'am, 4 hours   after becoming an American, I was attacked by
two fuckin'  Arabs.

 ;D ;D ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: seeker_two on December 20, 2010, 09:50:56 AM
Quote
Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.

Quote
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
this plan just might work.

If they used dialogue as good as this, I'd read these people's novels....  8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on December 20, 2010, 09:53:07 AM
I liked the one from the guy who must have just come from his Math SAT.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced
across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains,
one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the
other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on December 20, 2010, 11:06:37 AM
I think there should be a warning pop up when you click on this thread about not drinking any beverage while reading or caution if recovering from surgery because of the possibility of reinjury due to laughing.  Ask me how I know!


FWIW

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on December 20, 2010, 11:13:27 AM
Ellis, the powerz-that-bee can't protect us from all eventualities.  I've beered two keyboards and popped stitches I don't even have from looking at this thread--and still, I come back.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 20, 2010, 11:15:13 AM
Hell, I lost one keyboard to Crusaders new avatar.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: FSBARAK on December 20, 2010, 11:24:13 AM
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

She had a deep throaty genuine laugh like that sound a dog makes
just before he throws up.

These two cracked me up. Who says romance is dead?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on December 21, 2010, 08:26:51 PM
     
      Senior Texting Code:


      ATD : At The Doctor's
      AAO: Aching All Over
      BTW : Bring The Wheelchair
      BYOT : Bring Your Own Teeth
      CBM : Covered By Medicare
      CUATSC : See You At The Senior Center
      DWI : Driving While Incontinent
      FWB : Friend With Beta Blockers
      FWIW : Forgot Where I Was
      FYI : Found Your Insulin
      GGPBL : Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
      GHA : Got Heartburn Again
      TOCTG: Teeth Out Can't Talk Good
      IMHO : Is My Hearing-Aid On?
      LMDO : Laughing My Dentures Out
      LOL : Living On Lipitor
      LWO : Lawrence Welk's On
      OMMR : On My Massage Recliner
      OMSG : Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
      ROFL... CGU : Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
      SGGF: Sorry, Gotta Go Fast
      TTML : Talk To Me Louder
      WAITT : Who Am I Talking To?
      WTP : Where's The Prunes?
      WWNO : Walker Wheels Need Oil
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on December 21, 2010, 08:42:23 PM
>>Possibly the best blonde joke ever.



>>
>> A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
>> me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
>> started."
>>
>> Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
>>
>> The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
>>
>> Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
>>
>> She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
>> the table.
>>
>> He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
>> her and says,
>>
>> "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
>> assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
>>
>> He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a
>> nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh .... ..........
>>
>>
>> (scroll down)
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
>>
>>
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on December 21, 2010, 09:26:45 PM
I'd send that to a blond I know but I don't want to have to explain it to her.

Worst Christmas present I ever got her was a Gary Larson calender....she didn't get 3/4 of the humor.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: GASPASSERDELUXE on December 22, 2010, 08:31:35 PM

Subject: Senior Texting Codes




For your Continuing Education points ~

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need  for a STC (Senior Texting Code).

ATD: At The Doctor's

BFF: Best Friend Farted

BTW: Bring The  Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own  Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR: On My Massage  Recliner

OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor  Laughing... And Can't Get Up

SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

WTP: Where's The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil   

When you ask for happiness and a beautiful life, ask not just for you, but for everyone.  When you ask for something better, ask not just for you, but for everyone.  By all means ask for abundance and health for you, but also ask for it to be given to everyone.
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on December 31, 2010, 09:44:39 AM
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings 
  are the only animals that stutter", she says.                             
                                                                           
  A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she     
  volunteered.                                                             
                                                                           
  The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,     
  asked the girl to describe the incident.                                 
                                                                           
                   
   "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the         
  rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it,
  he jumped over the fence into our yard!                                   
                                                                           
   "That must've been scary", said the teacher.                             
                                                                           
   "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff,       
  Fffff',Fffff, Fffff... and before he could say "F#ck," the rottweiler ate
  him!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on December 31, 2010, 04:50:41 PM
MISSING NOVA SCOTIAN WIFE

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties.

 "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other.

 One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.

Which do you want to hear first?"

 Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said

 "Give me the bad news first."

The second Mountie said,

 "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband.

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

 The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her."

 Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news???"

The Mountie answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow.
   


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on December 31, 2010, 05:19:32 PM
Prostate check-up...

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical

and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he

discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female

doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new

procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I

want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check

your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy

obeys and says,"99". The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your

left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and

say, '99". Again, the old guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, �Very

good�. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised

slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the

other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.

Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.
 
The old guy begins,

"One ... Two ... Three"

 :D :D ;D ;D ;D ;) Old guys rule.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on January 01, 2011, 04:32:45 AM
We do, don't we!

Richard

PS:  What comes after three?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 01, 2011, 03:39:11 PM
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on January 01, 2011, 07:48:10 PM



I don't get it ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 02, 2011, 02:19:33 PM
Q: Why was Obama so disappointed when he went to a screening of The Men Who Stare at Goats?

A: Being a Muslim, he thought there would be more romance.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on January 02, 2011, 04:35:16 PM
Q: Why was Obama so disappointed when he went to a screening of The Men Who Stare at Goats?

A: Being a Muslim, he thought there would be more romance.




hahahahah 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: rat31465 on January 03, 2011, 08:30:53 AM
Q: Why was Obama so disappointed when he went to a screening of The Men Who Stare at Goats?

A: Being a Muslim, he thought there would be more romance.



Probably more truth to that joke than anyone wants to admit...afterall, have you seen Michelle?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 03, 2011, 10:32:26 PM
I got this from tt....
Made me laugh out loud!! ;D ;D


Weather Report from Minnesota
I just got off the phone with my friend, Bill, in Minnesota. 
He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is
still falling. The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is
increasing. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window. He
says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on January 03, 2011, 10:37:42 PM
I got this from tt....
Made me laugh out loud!! ;D ;D


Weather Report from Minnesota
I just got off the phone with my friend, Bill, in Minnesota. 
He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is
still falling. The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is
increasing. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window. He
says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.




that reminds me of another joke.

if your wife is barking at the front door, and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in 1st?


The dog atleast they will stop barking when you let them in.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 03, 2011, 10:40:07 PM

The latest Christmas toy has just hit the shops - a talking Muslim doll.
Only problem is, nobody knows what it says yet, because nobody has had the balls to pull the cord!

 

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/muslimdoll.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on January 03, 2011, 10:46:30 PM
5 Riddles


 

THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST FIVE RIDDLES I HAVE SEEN....THE ANSWERS ARE AT THE BOTTOM.  RIDDLE #5 IS AMAZING.  IT SHARPENS THOSE GENES IN YOUR BRAIN AND STALLS ALZHEIMER'S FOR YEARS!!


 

The 5 Riddles....


 

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?


 

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?


 

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?


 

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?


 

5. This is an unusual paragraph.  I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it.  It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it.  In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though.  Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd.  But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!



 


 
















THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:

   

1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.  That one was easy, right?

 

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

 

3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

 

4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!

 

5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on January 04, 2011, 06:52:12 AM
(http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x52/cam012/Forum/amazing1.png)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: BAC on January 04, 2011, 09:49:07 AM
(http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x52/cam012/Forum/amazing1.png)

I was NOT here, and I did NOT say that was funny.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 04, 2011, 12:22:44 PM
BAC~~~ Keep a straight face when you lie..,.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 04, 2011, 12:22:55 PM
Year to date statistics on airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security

 Terrorist Plots Discovered           0

Transvestites                              133

Hernias                                   1,485

Hemorrhoid Cases                 3,172

Enlarged Prostates                8,249

Breast Implants                   59,350

Natural Blondes                           3
 

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 04, 2011, 12:33:35 PM
The Very First "Senior Moment"
 

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/1stseniormoment.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on January 04, 2011, 12:55:53 PM
Year to date statistics on airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security

 Terrorist Plots Discovered           0

Transvestites                              133

Hernias                                   1,485

Hemorrhoid Cases                 3,172

Enlarged Prostates                8,249

Breast Implants                   59,350

Natural Blondes                           3
 

 



The natural blondes were the ones who volunteered for the screening.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: BAC on January 04, 2011, 01:35:23 PM
BAC~~~ Keep a straight face when you lie..,.

;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 04, 2011, 09:16:40 PM
T Traughber and Kathy were at home watching TV. He had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

She became more and more annoyed and finally said "For God's sake Tom, leave it on the porn channel! You already know how to fish!"



((( I know that pay backs are hell~~ but it was soooo worth it!)) ;D ;D
 

 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on January 04, 2011, 09:19:53 PM
A young guy with a great built found himself unemployed... But he had to pay the rent, buy food and pay bills... so he decided to put a sign outside the door of his apartment which read: IN BED $100, ON THE COUCH $50, ON THE FLOOR $25. Not long after that, an old woman walks by his door. She stops to read the sign, gets all excited and then rushes back home. She breaks open her piggy bank and takes the little savings she had. With the money in her hand she heads for the young man's apartment. Knock knock... The young man opens the door and the old lady hands him the money. He gives her a passionate kiss and after counting the money tells her: "It's $100, so you want to do it in bed?" "Don't be so naive young man" she replied, "I wanna do it 4 times on the floor!!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on January 05, 2011, 05:54:09 PM
Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to
paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy
was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she
returned.



She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in
the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that
the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.



About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.



They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in
desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.



The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how
to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).



Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying,
"Well, Doctor,I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."



The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 06, 2011, 05:47:34 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: mkm on January 06, 2011, 06:01:11 PM
WAR EAGLE!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 06, 2011, 09:41:26 PM
Nancy and Harry!!
 

Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, "Harry, I have a great idea! I know how we can win back Middle America in  2012 ."

"Great, but how do you propose we go about that, "asked Harry?"

"Well," Nancy responded, "we'll go down to a local Wal-Mart, get some cheesy clothes and shoes like most middle Americans wear and then we'll stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador . When we look the part we'll go to a nice old country bar in Middle America , and we'll show them that we really enjoy the Countryside and show admiration and respect for the hard working people living there."

A few days later, all decked out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from Washington in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for. With dog in tow they walk into the bar. They stepped up to the bar. The Bartender took a step back and said, "Aren't you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?" Nancy answered, "Yes we are, and what a lovely town you have here. We were just passing through and Harry suggested that we stop and take in some local color."

They then ordered a couple of cocktails from the bartender and proceed to drink them down, all the while chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

All of a sudden, the bar room door opened and a grizzled old farmer came in. He walked up to the Labrador , lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out the door. A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and then left the bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five farmers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually Nancy and Harry could stand it no longer and called the bartender over. "Tell me," said Nancy , "why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it some sort of old custom?"

"Good Lord no," said the bartender.. "It's just that some-one has told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two asshole's!"

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on January 07, 2011, 01:57:57 PM
ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES

 

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father,
'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,
'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'
'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.'
 

 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on January 07, 2011, 06:21:32 PM
I just got off the phone with a friend in Minnesota.
He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on January 07, 2011, 06:37:36 PM
I just got off the phone with a friend in Minnesota.
He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Having spent a great deal of time in Minnesota in all kinds of weather......that's just too freakin' funny right there!

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...Thanks A Lot!
Post by: ellis4538 on January 11, 2011, 02:50:24 AM
As we approach the end of another year, I want to thank all of you for your
educational e-mails during 2010. I am totally screwed up now and have
little chance of recovery.
 I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have
the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the
bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last
person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what
has happened on it since it was last washed..hmmmm

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because
the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine
how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of
a public bathroom.

I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one
about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet
sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)
who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.

I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice
with my kidneys gone.

I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks
with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial
killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
 
I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products
are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven
different types of cancer.

THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black
snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it
bites my butt.


AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up a Penny dropped
in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting
to grab me as I bend over.

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports
Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider
and my hand will fall off.


If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes,
a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow
afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened
to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s
cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . .


Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that
people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on
the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.


PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail
that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
 

 
 
 




Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 11, 2011, 11:41:36 PM
Congress has announced they intend to make it more difficult to claim Unemployment Benefits.


Starting next Monday, the forms will only be printed in English.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 11, 2011, 11:47:07 PM
GOLF PANTIES
 

                         
    The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. 'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
    Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'   The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency,  here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'

    Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.   'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'  She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.' Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'

    Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over.  The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. 'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'  The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....Tidy yerself up a bit."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 12, 2011, 04:22:04 PM
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pixcutter on January 13, 2011, 03:06:32 AM
A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.
The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

           "Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried   officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews Please."

Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied:  Madam, thank you for your invitation.  In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers.  One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.  The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering.  His Masters Degree and PhD. in Aeronautical  and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.  The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech.  Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship’s doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina.  We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda.

   Upon receiving this letter, Melinda’s mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure.  Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).

           At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four handsome, smiling Black officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."

           "No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on January 17, 2011, 05:08:11 AM

PERTH - An SAS trooper collecting toys for children was stabbed when he helped
stop a suspected shoplifter in east Perth.

The 'Toys-R-Us' Store Manager told 'The West Australian' that man was seen on
surveillance cameras last Friday putting a laptop under his jacket at the store.

When confronted, the man became irate, knocked down an employee, pulled a knife
and ran toward the door. 

Outside were four SAS Troopers collecting toys for the "Toys For Tots" program.
Smith said the Troopers stopped the man, but he stabbed one of them, in the back.
The cut did not appear to be severe.

The suspect was transported by ambulance to the Royal Perth Hospital with two
broken arms, a broken leg, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions and assorted
lacerations including a broken nose and jaw...

Injuries he apparently sustained when he tripped whilst trying to run after the stabbing.

THE CLUMSY BUGGER!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on January 17, 2011, 08:40:38 PM
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, John says to Darrell behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Darrell replies

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, John deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks.

Thank you for shopping @ Costco.."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, John began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

John hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Costco!

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on January 18, 2011, 07:12:25 AM

Took a dyslexic bird home last night, and she ended up cooking my sock!

Had to have a blood transfusion the other day. All they had left was 2 pints of African blood, and 2 pints of Pakistani
blood.  It's not as bad as it sounds,  I now have a 12 inch cock, and I am top of the housing list.

Blonde walks into a dry cleaners with a pair of stained white trousers, and hands them over to the assistant.  As she is heading for the door the assistant says "Thank You, Come Again"  Blonde replies "No, toothpaste this time".

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead, and realised she was just on standby.

Just fostered a Muslim kid.  All 4 cans hit him right on the back of the head.

Got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke.  All I said was, golly you're tall.

Last week me and this Pakistani from work decided to have a moustache and beard growing competition.
I still can't believe she won.

Couple driving home and run over a wombat, they get out to find it was still breathing but very cold.
Husband says "put it between your legs to warm it up"  Wife replies "but it`s all wet and it stinks"
Husband replies.." well hold the wombat's nose then!"

A man was caught masturbating in a newsagents. Apparently it's all over the papers.

Just bought a racehorse called "My Face".  It may not be any good but I can't wait to hear all the women in crowd
screaming  'come on my face'.

Once upon a time, a man asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!'
The man lived happily ever after, rode motorcycles, went fishing and hunting and played golf.
Drank beer and whiskey, had tons of money in the bank, left the toilet seat up, and farted whenever he wanted.

Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 18, 2011, 11:06:53 AM
After 30 years of marriage:

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.    

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.

If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man."

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter-tops."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on January 19, 2011, 06:11:44 AM
A  beautiful woman went to the gynaecologist. The  doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window.
He  immediately told her to get undressed. 
After  she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her  thigh. While doing so he asked her,  'Do you  know what I am doing?'

'Yes,'  she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or dermatological  abnormalities.' 

'That's  right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle  her Breasts. 'Do you  know what I am doing now?' he  asked. 

'Yes,'  she said, 'You are checking for lumps which  might indicate Breast cancer.'

'Correct,'  replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted  his patient and started having sexual  intercourse with her. He asked,
'Do you know  what I am doing now?'

'Yes,'  she said, 'You're getting syphilis: which is why  I came here in  the first  place.'






A women is given a hospital tour.  She looks in a room and sees a man wanking. "thats awful she says to the DOC"

The doctor explains that he has an incurable condition, and that his testicals fill with semen so fast that he has to do it atleast five times a day or he suffers awful pain.

"POOR MAN" says the women




In the next rooma nurse is sucking a mans cock.

"Explain that" she says to the doc



The doc says


"Same condition but he's got Private health!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 19, 2011, 12:48:41 PM
The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" She asked.

The man replied, “I want to see Valerie."

"Sir, Valerie is one of... our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else" said the madam.

He replied, “No, I must see Valerie."

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
"There are no discounts; the price is still $5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row, where are you from?"

The man replied, “New Brunswick.”

"Really," she said, "I have family in New Brunswick."

"I know," the man said, "Your sister died, and I am her attorney, she asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that two things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Being screwed by a LAWYER!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: JC5123 on January 24, 2011, 10:20:05 AM
100 mile an hour goat

    Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
    The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
    
    The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
    
    The first hunter says "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.
    
    They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jumped in head first.
    
    While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
    
    The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
    
    The old farmer said "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 24, 2011, 12:18:54 PM
Memo from HR:

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this by?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD O F: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,

Human Resources
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 24, 2011, 01:20:58 PM
A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she threw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the young man. "I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
 
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small, but comfortable, compartment in the hold.

From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn. 

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
 
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe."
 
"I see," the captain said. 

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "plus, he's screwing me." 

"He certainly is," replied the captain, “This is the Staten Island Ferry."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: JC5123 on January 26, 2011, 08:21:10 AM
While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.' The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.' The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.' The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.' The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.' The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.' The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!' The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!' Oh, Thank God!' the man replies. 'Yes' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on January 27, 2011, 08:00:19 AM
The  inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur  Davidson, died and went to  heaven.

At  the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, 'Since you've  been such a good man and your  motorcycles   have  changed the world, your reward is, you can hang  out with anyone you want to in  heaven.' 

Arthur  thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I  want to hang out with God.' 

St.  Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and  introduced him to God. 

God  recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you  were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson  motorcycle?' 

Arthur  said, 'Yeah, that's me...' 

God  commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing  something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and  pollution and can't run without a  road?' 

Arthur  was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse  me, but aren't you the inventor of  woman?'


                                                 


God  said, 'Ah, yes.' 

'Well,'  said Arthur, professional to professional, you  have some major design flaws in your  invention!

1.  There's too much inconsistency in the front-end  suspension.


                                                   


2.  It chatters constantly at high  speeds.


                                               


3.  Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too  much..


                                         
 
4.  The intake is placed way too close to the  exhaust.

5.  The maintenance costs are  outrageous!!!! 


                                                 


'Hmmmmm,  you may have some good points there,'replied God,  'hold on.' 

God  went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a  few words and waited for the  results.

The  computer printed out a slip of paper and God read  it.

'Well,  it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God  said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers,  more men are riding my invention than  yours'.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 27, 2011, 01:02:39 PM
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. 
A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.  Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN:  "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me.  Are you at the club?"

MAN:  "Yes.."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh,  and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted  last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for  it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it.  If not, we can go the extra eighty thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN:  "OK.  I'll see you later!  I love you so much!"

MAN:  "Bye!  I love you, too."

The man hangs up. 

The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"


 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on January 28, 2011, 10:21:57 AM
The Skirt Zipper
 As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
 
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.  She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
 
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
 
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
 
About this time, a large Texan who was standing
behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
 
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
 
The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends.'
 

 

 

 


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on January 28, 2011, 12:54:22 PM
Why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because gosh-darn it,
he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for
change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he
recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all
the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that
little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely
qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this
country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't
about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the
road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or
not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground
here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see
the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I
am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled
about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against
it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't
realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the
road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to
do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current
problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems,
which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having
the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life,
I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road
and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken,
but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the
road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You
can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken
was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs
when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any
insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a
toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not
been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see
the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my
friends, That chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay
too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the
Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other
side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and
as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will
be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming
story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went
on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2010, which will not only
cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents,
and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2010.
This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the
road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 28, 2011, 01:48:01 PM

 
Yesterday my wife asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.
 
She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys my own age. I did this, and when I got home last night I
told her that I had joined a parachute club.
 
She said, "Are you nuts? You're 73 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
 
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
 
She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
 
I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week!
 
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier  :-\


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on January 31, 2011, 11:01:56 AM
OK, it has only been 49 pages since I last checked in here, so forgive me if this one has been posted:

Vacation in Alaska.......

 

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountainous area of Alaska.

He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.  He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt.

The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about, and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing 'Go Sarah' shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest.  The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.  Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.  Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of the men over to him.  "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed..  "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?"

"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied.  "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting!  By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on January 31, 2011, 11:12:06 AM
That's funny, in NH we use the same bait for bears and coyotes.  ;D
But we get ours delivered  :(
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on January 31, 2011, 11:13:37 AM
     
A woman and her ten-year-old son were  riding in a taxi in Montreal .
  It  was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.
 
"Mom"  said the boy "what are all those women doing?"
 
"They're  waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replied.
 
The  taxi driver turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell  him  the truth?
They're  hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.."
 
The  little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true Mom?"
 
His  mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.
 
After  a few minutes, the kid asks "Mom, what happens to the babies  those  women have?"
 
"Most  of them become taxi drivers" she said.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on February 01, 2011, 09:35:55 PM
A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, she does.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on February 01, 2011, 09:54:08 PM
Major, YOU  ARE  SICK !!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on February 02, 2011, 04:17:04 AM
Least he didn't say "cop a feel!"

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 02, 2011, 10:05:17 AM
Least he didn't say "cop a feel!"

Richard

The punch line was about jumping off the bridge, not getting thrown off the bridge.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: FillYerHands on February 02, 2011, 11:37:00 AM
So an intervention turns into a double suicide.  Sad.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on February 02, 2011, 12:04:17 PM
So an intervention turns into a double suicide.  Sad.

Suicide - intervention - murder suicide
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 02, 2011, 12:15:52 PM
So an intervention turns into a double suicide.  Sad Even funnier .

Fixed it for you.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 03, 2011, 04:23:26 PM
 :o

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 03, 2011, 05:55:20 PM
Oh for the love of the lord.. who the hell was the genius that constructed the blueprints on this one!!
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on February 03, 2011, 06:38:12 PM
Oh for the love of the lord.. who the hell was the genius that constructed the blueprints on this one!!
 

clearly you have never seen this...

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on February 04, 2011, 07:32:58 AM
I just opened my freezer and saw a little alien masturbating. I said, "What the f#ck are you doing?"




He said, "I cum in peas".
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 04, 2011, 11:11:25 AM
Good god almighty!!! :o :o :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on February 04, 2011, 11:18:19 AM
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.  The lady of the house was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the
raise.  She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Jor husband say so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Jor husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh..'

Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.'

Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on February 04, 2011, 11:24:18 AM
A bit of Auto Show humor from the Detroit Auto Show. It was sent to my GM friends by an ex-Ford employee.

I stopped by the Ford Motor exhibit today, for a look at the new  models and concept vehicles.
> Just for fun, I sat behind the wheel of a full-sized model to sense  that new "feel" before they become extinct...
>
> The salesman (an African American was wearing an Obama 'change' lapel  pin) approached and leaned against the passenger door describing all  its "wonderful" options. He mentioned the seats were of particular  interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt  in the winter and directed cool air to your butt on those hot summer  Michigan days.
>
> Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that it must of been  designed and engineered by a Republican for this vehicle.
>
> Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was Republican engineered?
>
> I explained that if it were engineered by a Democrat, the seats would  blow smoke up
> your ass year-round.
>
> He walked away... Damn guy had no sense of humor.....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on February 04, 2011, 11:51:25 AM
Subject: Today's Winter Travelling Tip...

Last night the television station broadcast a warning saying that
anyone travelling in icy weather conditions should take:

A shovel, blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing,  including scarf hat and gloves
24 hrs supply of food
5 kgs of rock salt
Flashlight with spare batteries
Road flares and reflective triangles
Tow rope, 5 gallon can of gas
First aid kit, and jump leads


I looked like a complete dork on the bus this morning!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 04, 2011, 12:22:15 PM
Three black ladies are getting ready to take a plane
trip for the first time.

The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'awl
but I'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties beefo I
gets on dat plane.'

'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked.

The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and
I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna
find me first.'

The second lady said, 'Well, I'm a-gonna wear me
some floe-esant orange panties.'

'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.

The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is
goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey
can see me first.'

The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any
panties......'

'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.

The third lady says, 'Dat's right girlfriends,
you hears me right. I ain't wearin' any panties, cause
if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look fo da

black box first.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ratcatcher55 on February 04, 2011, 12:54:20 PM


From Johnstown PA....



It's winter in Pennsylvania



And the gentle breezes blow



Seventy miles an hour at twenty-five below.



Oh, how I love Pennsylvania



When the snow's up to your butt



You take a breath of winter



And your nose gets frozen shut.



Yes, the weather here is wonderful



So I guess I'll hang around



I could never leave Pennsylvania



'Cause I'm frozen to the ground



Go Steelers!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: RTFM on February 04, 2011, 02:44:20 PM
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis MI amigo... What ees it? "

"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees a ham bush....."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 04, 2011, 04:44:38 PM
Groan...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on February 04, 2011, 10:22:14 PM
Wife buys a pair of crotchless knickers in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa
opposite her husband.

At strategic moments, she uncrosses her legs ... Enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God, he responded, I thought you were sitting on the cat."



He never heard the gunshot.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 05, 2011, 08:34:20 AM
Sledge.....
OMG.. that made me laugh so hard..
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/forum/laughingblond.gif)


A couple take in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she         
could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a   
bathtub but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the     
fire......                                                                 
                                                                           
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to bowling," she said. 
                                                                           
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....                   
                                                                           
After her husband had gone to the bowling ally for his bowling  match, the
woman Filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was         
surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned   
this to her                                                               
husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:             
                                                                           
"Next Monday, don't go to bowling. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so     
that you can see for yourself.."                                           
                                                                           
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife     
asked: "Do you shave?"                                                     
                                                                           
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do   
you have hair?"                                                           
                                                                           
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her hairy muff.             
                                                                           
When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked: "Did   
you see it?"                                                               
                                                                           
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."         
                                                                           
"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."                             
                                                                           
"I know," he said, "but the bowling team hadn't!!" 
                       



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 05, 2011, 10:13:12 AM
Tools Explained  
 DRILL PRESS:    A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.  

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.


Hope you found this informative.  
It's coupled with a community service project I am working on.  
There is no need to send me a thank you note
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 05, 2011, 02:30:43 PM
^^^^^^^
Yep.

 ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 05, 2011, 03:01:21 PM
Brings back memories of blood blisters, cuts, and cursing.  :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on February 05, 2011, 04:38:30 PM
:o



It's the old Civil Engineer joke about running the sanitary sewer through a recreational area only done in a child friendly way.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on February 05, 2011, 04:58:21 PM
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.  OR YOUR THUMB!  There, fixed it for ya!

Richard

PS:  Yes, I did enjoy them.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on February 05, 2011, 06:45:55 PM
The Two Prawns


Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea, two prawns were swimming around.
One called Justin and the other called  Christian. 

The  prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks  that inhabited the area. 

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;  I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.' 

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted' 


Lo  and behold, Justin turned into a shark and horrified, Christian  immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. 

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. 

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to  them. 

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of  his sad plight. 

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. 

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and  behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. 


With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his  friends and bought them all a cocktail. 

(The  punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much  worse)... 
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal. 

'Where's Christian?' he asked. 

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply. 

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. 

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. 

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend,  come out and see me again.' 

Christian  replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the  enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.' 

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'............ 

(You're  going to love  this................................)












'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian' 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on February 08, 2011, 01:25:34 AM
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a heavy older lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son...

"Go get your mother."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on February 08, 2011, 10:31:13 AM
I found this beautiful winter poem and thought it might be a comfort to you. 
It was to me and it's very well written and I hope that you enjoy it too .


" WINTER "
 
by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre

(http://i414.photobucket.com/albums/pp225/tt11758/Facebook%20Pictures/winterscene.jpg)

Shit It's Cold!!!!
 
The End

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on February 08, 2011, 10:41:44 AM
                One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

                Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race..


                Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

                Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

                Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.



                Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.


                By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

                True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

                Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.


                He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

                Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened?

                All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings -- all of it!'.


                The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
                'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on February 09, 2011, 10:30:14 AM


High Urinals
 A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

 
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.  The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

 
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one.

 
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.  Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied.  'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on February 09, 2011, 12:49:32 PM
A women was shopping at the local supermarket, where she selected:

2% milk, half gallon
12 eggs
1 Quart of orange juice

1 Head of romaine lettuce
2 lb. can of coffee

1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."

She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at the six items on the belt, and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: "Well, you know what, you're
absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"



The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 09, 2011, 03:41:37 PM
Speaking of drunks......

True story:

I was sitting in a local bar with a group of regulars years ago and there was and older guy who was way beyond plastered leaning at the end of the bar.
One of the guys sniffed and noticed something was reeking like crap.
The guy closest to the drunk leaned over and realized it was the drunk.....so he asked the old guy, "Hey man, have you sh!t yer pants?"
The old guy said, "As a matter of fact I have."
The other guy said, "Damn, man, why the hell don't you go clean yourself up?"
The drunk said, "Because I don't think I'm quite done."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: JC5123 on February 09, 2011, 03:59:56 PM
Speaking of drunks......

True story:

I was sitting in a local bar with a group of regulars years ago and there was and older guy who was way beyond plastered leaning at the end of the bar.
One of the guys sniffed and noticed something was reeking like crap.
The guy closest to the drunk leaned over and realized it was the drunk.....so he asked the old guy, "Hey man, have you sh!t yer pants?"
The old guy said, "As a matter of fact I have."
The other guy said, "Damn, man, why the hell don't you go clean yourself up?"
The drunk said, "Because I don't think I'm quite done."


Well....... ::) I suppose there is no point in doing the paperwork until the job is finished.   :-X
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 09, 2011, 04:48:05 PM
Well....... ::) I suppose there is no point in doing the paperwork until the job is finished.   :-X

Don't get me started on the Mexican that sh!t in the walk-in beer cooler at a bar where I sometimes helped out as a bouncer.....very ugly incident indeed.

:-X  :-X  :-X  :-X
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: JC5123 on February 09, 2011, 04:54:07 PM
Don't get me started on the Mexican that sh!t in the walk-in beer cooler at a bar where I sometimes helped out as a bouncer.....very ugly incident indeed.

:-X  :-X  :-X  :-X

Damn Peg, I think I'd be looking for a new bar!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 09, 2011, 05:17:24 PM
Damn Peg, I think I'd be looking for a new bar!

It was quite a place....especially on the full moon.......something akin to an Addams Family/Munsters/Beverly Hillbillies reunion.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on February 09, 2011, 05:35:32 PM
A man suffered a sudden serious heart attack, and had immediate lifesaving open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.
She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a weak voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied. "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you with the cost?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated, and said loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my Brother-in-law."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on February 10, 2011, 01:46:53 PM
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
  The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
  The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
  The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
  You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
  'Do you mean a rose?'
  'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on February 10, 2011, 05:58:26 PM
    A good Hassidic family is most concerned that their 30-year-old son is unmarried.
 So, they call a marriage broker and ask  him to find their son a good wife.

 The broker comes over to their house and spends a long time asking questions of the son and his parents as to what they want in a wife/daughter-in-law.  They give him a long shopping list of requirements.

The marriage broker takes a long time looking, and finally asks to visit the family again.  He then tells them of a wonderful woman he has found.  He says she's just the right age for the son... She keeps a Glatt Kosher home...she regularly attends synagogue and knows the prayers by heart...she is a wonderful cook...she loves children and wants a large family. And, to crown it all off, she's gorgeous.



     
    After hearing all this, the family is very impressed and begins to get excited about the prospects of a wedding in the near future.



     
    But the son pauses and asks inappropriately:  "Is she also good in bed?"



     


     


     
    The marriage broker answers,
    "Some say yes...some say no ..........."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on February 10, 2011, 07:10:34 PM
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you Sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out, "Holy crap! My girlfriend's gone, too!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on February 12, 2011, 04:25:40 PM
SORRY!  COULDN'T RESIST 



      On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.  The certificate paid for a visit to a Cherokee medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.  After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

      The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine, and it must be respected.  You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

      The man was encouraged.  As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
      "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
     
      He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

      When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

      His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she, asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

      And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
      ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on February 13, 2011, 10:32:53 AM
A chicken farmer went to a local bar....
Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that?  I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! 
As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?' 

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!' 

'What a coincidence,' says the man.  'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.' 

'That's great!' says the woman.  'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: JC5123 on February 14, 2011, 10:03:11 AM
(https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=94e4a1dc04&view=att&th=12e0b20ecd0c1861&attid=0.1&disp=emb&realattid=f2e76d1376209b7f_0.1.1&zw)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ichiban on February 14, 2011, 11:28:48 AM
(https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=94e4a1dc04&view=att&th=12e0b20ecd0c1861&attid=0.1&disp=emb&realattid=f2e76d1376209b7f_0.1.1&zw)

That whole posting pictures thing just isn't working out for you today, is it?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: JC5123 on February 14, 2011, 11:48:07 AM
That whole posting pictures thing just isn't working out for you today, is it?

I don't understand it either, because they show up on both my work computer and my home one too. But fine, I will indulge.


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on February 14, 2011, 01:37:36 PM
Not their fault...you said it!!!!!  LOL


Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: JC5123 on February 15, 2011, 12:38:47 PM
 Daughter

 

     

    Last night my daughter walked into the living room and said, "Dad, cancel my allowance, stop paying my college tuition, rent out my room, throw all my clothes out the window, take my t.v., stereo, i-phone, i-pad, and jewelry and give it to charity.  Sell my car and take my house key, and throw me out of the house."

     

    Well, she didn't exactly say it like that.  She said, "Dad, this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed."!!!...............
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on February 15, 2011, 03:24:55 PM
The Penis Poem 
 
  My nookie days are over, 
  My pilot light is out. 
  What used to be my sex appeal, 
  Is now my water spout. 
  Time was when, on its own accord, 
  From my trousers it would spring. 
  But now I've got a full time job, 
  To find the f***in' thing. 
  It used to be embarrassing, 
  The way it would behave. 
  For every single morning, 
  It would stand and watch me shave. 
  Now as old age approaches, 
  It sure gives me the blues. 
  To see it hang its little head, 
  And watch me tie my shoes!!     
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on February 17, 2011, 04:29:13 PM
The red dot

FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP.

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States . If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 19, 2011, 12:27:18 PM
There was a knock on the door this morning. I opened it to find
a young man standing there who said: "I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

I said "Come in and sit down, what do you want to talk about?"

He said, "Beats the shit out of me, I've never gotten this far before."

 

 
 

 
 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on February 19, 2011, 02:07:15 PM
(http://i384.photobucket.com/albums/oo283/tsbevins/Ass.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on February 19, 2011, 05:33:25 PM
A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night
recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in
his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in
the West.  The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer,
bought him a drink and told him the story of his great
ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?"
he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said,
"Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high.
Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out
his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster
where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw"
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood
up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off
the piano player  "Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy, "I'm learnin'
somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the
saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of
the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the
gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done
playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass,
and it won't hurt as much."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on February 21, 2011, 05:24:13 AM
The Latest Toy

is this wrong?

(http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r187/Gunner_Rick/TalkingDoll.png)
The latest toy has just hit the shops - a talking Muslim doll.

Nobody knows what the hell it says, because no one has the balls to pull the cord
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on February 21, 2011, 05:30:15 AM
What do you get when stick human DNA into a goat?.......
Banned from the petting Zoo!


Bought the Misses a memory stick, it great!
She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating


A priest gets shot and is rushed to hospital, on the way to the operating theater he whispers to the nurse "Am I in heaven?"
Nurse says "No we're just taking a short cut to through the childrens ward"   

Daughter just walked in and said "Cancell my allowance, trash my bedroom, throw all my clothes out the window, take my front door & car keys off me and kick me out of the house"......
Well, she didn't actually put it like that she said "Dad, say hello to Mohamed"!

A lesbo collapses after chowin down on over fifteen other women in under two hours!
It's believed she over dosed on crack....


My misses is pretty thick, every thing goes over here head.....
Fortunately so do both her feet so we're still good
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: JC5123 on February 21, 2011, 10:14:47 AM
Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.  We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.  I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

 

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.  I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.'

 

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.  He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.  On the way home, I told him that I loved him.  He smiled slightly, and kept driving.  I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

 

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.  He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.  He continued to seem distant and absent.  Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.

 

About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.  To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love.  But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried.  I don't know what to do.

 

I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.  My life is a disaster.


His Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out, at least I got laid.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on February 21, 2011, 10:16:20 AM
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather
the building materials for his home.

She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow
full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that
straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think
the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...
I think the man would have said - 'I'll be a son of a bitch!! A talking pig!'

The teacher had to leave the room.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 21, 2011, 12:14:30 PM
A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.


He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in:

"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot.  You're on my side".

 

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on February 23, 2011, 01:15:25 AM
(http://pics.kuvaton.com/kuvei/butt_drilling.jpg)


i'm sure there is a joke in that pic some where.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on February 23, 2011, 05:32:38 AM
Prostate Examination Thai Style.

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health  Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.

"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.


"I haven't got an erection" said the man.


"No, but I have" replied the nurse.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on February 23, 2011, 07:33:06 AM
Ewwwwwww!!! 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: FillYerHands on February 23, 2011, 11:57:02 AM
Yuck.  I now feel the universe and I are square for the whole "Sinko de Mayo" thing.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: FSBARAK on February 23, 2011, 09:28:32 PM
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language
got boiled down to 4-letter words.

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on
the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir,"
said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
-- Winston Churchill

Lady to Winston Churchill, "If I were your wife, I would give
you poison." To which Churchill responded, "Madam, if I were your
husband, I would take it!"

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with
great pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader
to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner about Ernest Hemingway.

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book I'll waste no time
reading it." -- Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it." -- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play
bring a friend....if you have one." George Bernard Shaw to
Winston Churchill "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend
second.... if there is one." Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you it's almost like having you here."
-- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
trivial." -- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself he is the cause of dullness in others."
-- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." --
Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt she always yielded easily."
-- Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." -- Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address
on it?" -- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." --
Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go others, whenever they go."
-- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for support
rather than illumination." -- Andrew Lang

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." -- Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening...but this wasn't it."
-- Groucho Marx
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on February 24, 2011, 08:40:08 PM
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 24, 2011, 09:22:11 PM
Majer, That is so bad I hope some one steps on your blue suade shoes.   ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on February 25, 2011, 04:16:23 PM
Only the Irish have jokes like this
 

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
 
Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
 
'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'
 
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
 
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
 
'Michael O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
 
'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'
 
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
 
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'
 
That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'
 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
 
A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'
 
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
 
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'
 
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
 
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
 
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'
 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'
 
The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'
 
She says, 'That he did, Father.'
 
The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'
 
She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun....'
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
AND THE BEST FOR LAST . . .
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
 
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
 
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
 
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.
 
 


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 25, 2011, 05:03:30 PM
Back in the 60's a black guy got killed in a bar fight, White Cop sent to notify next of kin knocks on the door and asks for "widow Brown".
Lady says "My names Brown, but I ain't no widow".
Cop says, "You are now".
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on February 28, 2011, 07:33:14 AM
If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport - you'll get a free x-ray and a breast exam, and; if you mention Al Qaeda, you'll get a free colonoscopy
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on February 28, 2011, 07:33:28 AM
Parvinder and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of Sydney .
 

Habib begs just as long as Parvinder, but only collects  $5 to $10 every day. Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of  $20 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Habib says to Parvinder, 'I work just as long and hard as you do, but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $20 notes every day and I don't?'

Parvinder says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say?'

Habib's sign reads, 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support.'   Parvinder says, 'No wonder you only get $5 to $10'.

Habib says ... 'So what does your sign say?'

Parvinder shows Habib his sign.... It reads, 'I only need another $20 to move back to Pakistan .'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on February 28, 2011, 04:05:19 PM
About my Dog


Please be advised I am sick to death of receiving questions about my dog who:

-mauled three Muslims sitting on a rug near my back yard,
-six illegal aliens wearing Barack Obama t-shirts,
-four Democrats wearing Nancy Pelosi t-shirts,
-two rappers,
-five phone operators who asked me to press #1 for English,
-nine teenagers with their pants hanging down past their cracks,
-eight customer service desk people speaking in broken English,
-ten flag burners and
-one Pakistani taxi driver.


FOR THE LAST TIME... THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: JC5123 on February 28, 2011, 04:09:39 PM
Testicles and Snoring

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes
to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will
stop snoring.

'Yeah right!' she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife
tosses and turns, unable to sleep.  Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet
and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's
testicles.

Sure enough, the dog stops snoring.  The woman is amazed.

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with
his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins
snoring loudly.

The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet
again, grabs a piece of blue  ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.
 Amazingly, it also works on him!

The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles
into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror
and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red
ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog
and whispers, 'I don't know where we were or what we did, but, by God we took
FIRST and SECOND place!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on February 28, 2011, 05:21:08 PM
A 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips.

Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed and said, "Don't sell that cow."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on February 28, 2011, 09:29:01 PM
Some years ago, Stan married an attractive woman, Aggie, half his age,
> in a small coastal Newfoundland community.
>
>
> After several months, Aggie complained that she had never climaxed
> during sex and that, according to her Grandmother, all Newfoundland
> women were entitled to a climax at least once in a while.
>
> To resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there
> was no doctor anywhere on the Burin Peninsula.
>
> The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot
> summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having
> difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and
> make her relax.
>
> He told Stan and Aggie to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a
> big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said,
> would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.
>
> The couple hired a strong young man from Port Aux Basques to wave that
> big towel over them as the Vet suggested.
>
> After many efforts, Aggie still had not climaxed so they went back to
> the Vet. The Vet said for Aggie to change partners and let the young
> man have sex with her while Stan waved the big towel.
>
> They tried it that night and Aggie went into wild, screaming,
> ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a
> half hours.
>
> When it was over, Stan looked down at the exhausted young man and in a
> boasting voice said: "And that, me son, is how ya waves a fockin'
> towel!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on March 01, 2011, 09:57:46 AM
            Church Ladies With typewriters . . .

            They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

            The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
            --------------------------
            The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
            --------------------------
            Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
            --------------------------
            Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
            --------------------------
            Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
            --------------------------
            Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
            --------------------------
            For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
            --------------------------
            Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
            --------------------------
            Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
            --------------------------
            A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
            --------------------------
            At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
            --------------------------
            Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
            --------------------------
            Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
            --------------------------
            Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
            --------------------------
            The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
            --------------------------
            Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
            --------------------------
            The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
            --------------------------
            This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
            --------------------------
            Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
            --------------------------
            The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
            --------------------------
            Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
            --------------------------
            The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
            --------------------------
            Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
            --------------------------
            The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on March 01, 2011, 05:55:41 PM

A  NICE CATHOLIC JOKE

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent,

with a warning from the Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their habits.


 

 After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked...


 

 In the middle of the project, there's a knock at the door.


 

 "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.


 

 "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.


 

 The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door.


 

 "Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on March 02, 2011, 11:04:09 AM
I was eating lunch today with my 14 year old grandson when his mom asked him, "What is tomorrow?"

He said, "It's President's Day."

She asked, "What does that mean?"

I was waiting for something profound.
 
He said, "President's Day is when Obama steps out of the White House and, if he sees his shadow, we have 2 more years of unemployment

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Two businessmen in  Florida were sitting down for a break in their "soon-to-be" new store.  As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you sellingn' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat the old timer said, "Must be doing well, only two left."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 02, 2011, 01:22:15 PM
Ahkmed the Arab came to America from the  Middle East , and he was only here a few months when he became very ill.   He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help  him. Finally, he went to an Arabic doctor who said: 'Take  dees bucket, go into de odder room, poop in de bucket, pee on de poop,  and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for  ten minutes. Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other  room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in  the fumes for ten minutes. Coming back to the doctor he said,  'It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?' The doctor  said .... 'You were  homesick'.   :P
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on March 03, 2011, 01:33:22 AM
I dare any of you not to relate to this story somehow.....  ;D I know I do.

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumbich.

That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place. One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (Ether). The light bulb went off in my head. I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner. Let's face it, to a 10yr old mouth-breather like myself, (ether), really doesn't "sound" flammable. So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of Pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles).

At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the (Ether) can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie, a 1 lb. Pyrodex and 16oz (Ether) should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know? You know what? Screw that I'm going back in the house for the other can. Yes, I got a second can of Pyrodex and dumped it too. Now we're cookin'.

I stepped back about 15ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck... OH SHIT! He just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of Pyrodex and into the can. Oh Shit.

When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 frickin' decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1ft above the ground as far as I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a worm or two.

The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this... THE FRICKING DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE.

There was a big sweet gum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "was". That son-of-a-bitch got up and ran off.

So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my Thundercats T-Shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback: ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOU'RE BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE. DAMNIT CEASE FIRE!!

His hat has blown off and is 30ft behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 ft. over our backyard. There is a Honda 185s 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires.

I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know - I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later....repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR and Dad screaming "Bring him back to life so I can kill him again". Thanks Mom.

One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again, Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business.

Dad sold his muzzle loader a week or so later. I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality, either from the blast or the beating, or both.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. It's good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steyr M40A1 on March 03, 2011, 07:07:46 AM
simply awesome..
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on March 03, 2011, 07:21:20 AM
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him...

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's
go to my apartment,... I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered . 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 04, 2011, 10:48:48 AM
True story... got from a freind... :)
 
 
I was eating lunch last week with my 10 year old grandson when his mom
asked him "What is tomorrow?" He said "It's President's Day"
 
She asked "What does that mean?" .... I was waiting for something
profound...
 
He said "President's Day is when Obama steps out of the White House and if he
sees his shadow, we have 2 more years of unemployment."
 
 
  I almost snorted my iced tea.
  

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on March 04, 2011, 04:26:56 PM
The Patient Grandfather

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.  It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle, and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.  Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long.  Easy, boy."
 
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay,  William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here.  Hang in there, boy."
 
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset.  We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.  She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there.  I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay.  William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
 
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William.  The little bastard's name is Kevin." 


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MinotBob on March 04, 2011, 08:16:43 PM
DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,

walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,


 

 "I would like to buy some cyanide."


 


 

    The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."


 

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy!

 I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law!

I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.


 

Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"


 

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her

husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.


 

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

 "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Title: Charlie Sheen for President?
Post by: mkm on March 04, 2011, 09:46:39 PM
Found this on facebook.  I thougut it was funny enough to share with yall.

Charlie for President. I hope the Democrats run Charlie Sheen in the primaries. He has HUGE advantages over the incumbent.

1. More qualified and experienced to hold the office. (He watched reruns of his father playing the president in West Wing).
2. More military experience, (he stared in Platoon and Navy Seals).
3. More knowledgeable about the economy, (he starred in Wall Street).
4. Is not a communist or socialist, (he was in Red Dawn).
5. More likely to defend our boarders, (again Red Dawn)
6. Is pro second amendment, (Starred in Young Guns).
7. Is pro law enforcement, (Costarred in the Rookie)
8. Could host far more memorable state dinner parties, (see arrest record).
9. Could actually get a ball across home plate at the start of the baseball season. (stared in Eight Men Out and Major League).
10. Knows the middle east better, (see Hot Shots part Deux)
11. More decisive and has a high energy level.
12. Comparatively more sane.
13. Much more honest.
14. Much more intelligent.
15. Much less arrogant.
16. Has two first ladies, who are much better looking and more experienced in front of the camera.
17. Is all about WIN.
18. While a little sketchy, looks much more Presidential.
19. While a little sketchy, spends money far more sensibly.
20. Unfortunately, both Charlie and the incumbent have a history of drug use. But Charlie just passed a drug test.
21. Surrounds himself with a much better class of people.
22. Is honest about his religious beliefs.
23. Lets it all hang out and is open with people; no hidden agenda.
24. Is more consistent.
25. Looks much more “together” and less haggard than the incumbent.
26. While less experienced with a teleprompter, he is still pretty good.
27. Better ratings.
28. Enjoys a better relationship with Israel and the Jewish community.
29. Was raised in America and was not influenced by third world socialists in his formative years, (just the ones in Hollywood).
30. Has Tiger blood.
31. Admits he is from Mars. The incumbent refuses to say.
32. Does not play Golf……constantly.
33. Not as uptight and a little less inhibited.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Could he be worse?  He would likely be more entertaining.
Title: Re: Charlie Sheen for President?
Post by: Jackel on March 04, 2011, 10:38:46 PM
if he ran i would bet my paycheck he'd win. modern day Jackson
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on March 05, 2011, 10:33:09 AM
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever..

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.'

The  proctologists    fainted.


 





Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on March 05, 2011, 11:22:00 AM
Q: What did the Marshall'ette do when her broomstick broke?
A: She witch-hiked!

Q: How does Marshall'ette tell the time ?
A:With a witch-watch !

Q: Why doesnt Marshall'ette ride her broom whilst angry! ?
A: She is afraid of flying off the handle!

 



Hi ho hi ho its off to the corner I go........  :-*
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 05, 2011, 11:24:19 AM

Hi ho hi ho its off to the corner I go........  :-*

And you may want to go ahead and start the digging when you get there.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on March 05, 2011, 03:50:45 PM
And you may want to go ahead and start the digging when you get there.   ;D


I think he's dug himself a hole deep enough to be buried in already.
Title: Re: Charlie Sheen for President?
Post by: tt11758 on March 05, 2011, 03:53:10 PM
Speaking of Charlie, check this out..............................

www.livethesheendream.com (http://www.livethesheendream.com)
Title: Re: Charlie Sheen for President?
Post by: Pecos Bill on March 05, 2011, 08:58:16 PM
Hell, why not?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 07, 2011, 12:33:28 PM

WHEN TO START CUSSING....

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."


 

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.


 

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.


 

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"


 

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"


 

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"


Title: there MAY be a new best Girl Scout cookie
Post by: wtr100 on March 08, 2011, 01:30:09 PM
I used to say the best (only) one was the Thin Mint

but

I just got hold of some 'shout outs' - they're kinda like a hard graham cracker with a hint of cinnamon

might need to consume a box or two of each - educational purposes of course 
Title: Re: there MAY be a new best Girl Scout cookie
Post by: JC5123 on March 08, 2011, 03:00:36 PM
(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0910/girl-scouts-demotivational-poster-1254428198.jpg)
Title: Re: there MAY be a new best Girl Scout cookie
Post by: wtr100 on March 08, 2011, 04:26:15 PM
subtle as a boot to the groin!
Title: How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen snort?
Post by: gunman42782 on March 08, 2011, 06:31:33 PM
Enough to kill Two and a Half Men! :D :D
Title: Re: How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen snort?
Post by: twyacht on March 08, 2011, 07:56:46 PM
By his own words, which are comparable to a machete waving lunatic,.(oh wait,...he's already done that),..or a domestically violent dude who shot his first fiance,(oh wait, he did that too)....

He was "banging 7 gram rocks, cause that's how I roll",.....seriously,...he really said that...

It makes the 70-80's look tame,.....

But NOW,....he's on the Tiger Blood and drug called Charlie Sheen,.....his Father Martin Sheen, should Apocalypse Now his dumb ass.

And I actually like some of his older movies.

Wall Street
Red Dawn
Young Guns

Never watched the stupid sitcom he was over paid for. He'll be in jail, in real rehab, or dead in 6 months or less.

Title: Re: How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen snort?
Post by: Timothy on March 08, 2011, 08:07:17 PM
Two and a Half Men was and is pretty good.  Lots of pretty women and generally written well.  The cast of this show doesn't deserve to be suffering over this bullshit, but they are.

The movies you list are twenty something years ago.  If he could actually make a decent film for the big screen ten years ago, he wouldn't be on TV!

He's lost it pure and simple.  It's a shame he's spawned five children that will know soon enough that their dad was a dumbass.
Title: Poor Charlie Sheen Gets No Respect
Post by: tt11758 on March 10, 2011, 10:22:34 AM
But then, does he really DESERVE any at this point?

(http://a7.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/198012_1926736491060_1321598107_2344554_3871454_n.jpg)


www.livethesheendream.com (http://www.livethesheendream.com)
Title: Re: Poor Charlie Sheen Gets No Respect
Post by: billt on March 10, 2011, 11:06:09 AM
We should run a lottery on what day he's going to be found dead.  Bill T.
Title: Re: Poor Charlie Sheen Gets No Respect
Post by: TAB on March 10, 2011, 11:30:20 AM
say what you want about him... he has had a bunch of high quality tail in his life.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: JC5123 on March 10, 2011, 12:09:15 PM
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman..

                     

    And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

     

    The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'       

           

    The husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

                       

    I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me she hadn't eaten for three days.

                   

    So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

                 

    "Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you’ve had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they're too tight

                     

    I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.                 

     

    I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same..'                   

     

    The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

     

     

     

    'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
Title: Re: Poor Charlie Sheen Gets No Respect
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 10, 2011, 01:40:27 PM
say what you want about him... he has had a bunch of high quality tail in his life.

Yes indeed...and it's starting to tell on him.
Title: Re: Poor Charlie Sheen Gets No Respect
Post by: Timothy on March 10, 2011, 03:52:07 PM
say what you want about him... he has had a bunch of high quality tail in his life.

So have I TAB, and for a whole lot less money as in ZERO!

Of course, buying dinner and breakfast can get expensive...

 ;D
Title: Re: Poor Charlie Sheen Gets No Respect
Post by: shooter32 on March 10, 2011, 03:57:30 PM
So have I TAB, and for a whole lot less money as in ZERO!

Of course, buying dinner and breakfast can get expensive...

 ;D

Bragger!

 ;D
Title: Re: Poor Charlie Sheen Gets No Respect
Post by: Timothy on March 10, 2011, 04:05:42 PM
Bragger!

 ;D

I was young and dumb full of ...............









energy!

 ;D
Title: Re: Poor Charlie Sheen Gets No Respect
Post by: shooter32 on March 10, 2011, 04:10:27 PM

energy!

 ;D


Might be an insight to that bad hip, sounds like it has had plenty of movement in those " young and dumb" years..  :o



 ;D
Title: Re: Poor Charlie Sheen Gets No Respect
Post by: Big Frank on March 10, 2011, 04:12:10 PM
I never had a 10 but I had two 3s and a 4.  ;D
Title: Re: Poor Charlie Sheen Gets No Respect
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 10, 2011, 04:16:09 PM
I went to bed once at 2 with a 10.....but woke up the next morning at 10 with a 2.    :-X
Title: Re: Poor Charlie Sheen Gets No Respect
Post by: Timothy on March 10, 2011, 04:18:07 PM
I went to bed once at 2 with a 10.....but woke up the next morning at 10 with a 2.    :-X

 ;)
I never had a 10 but I had two 3s and a 4.  ;D


Yes, beer goggles do distort the truth a mite!
Title: Re: Poor Charlie Sheen Gets No Respect
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 10, 2011, 04:23:09 PM
Truth be known, I probably had more fun with the 2's.....just didn't brag about it to anyone.   ;D  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Poor Charlie Sheen Gets No Respect
Post by: Timothy on March 10, 2011, 04:31:16 PM
Truth be known, I probably had more fun with the 2's.....just didn't brag about it to anyone.   ;D  ;D  ;D

And, remember three 2's in a hot tub is a 6, a few glasses of wine or beers and start adding the exponent!

 ;D ;D

We had a large waist high freezer in the cellar of my club.  Perfect height for a cocktail waitress support structure of sorts, IYKWIM!

There are certainly some stories there, the club is gone but the memories still linger!

And yes, my loving bride knows all too well my youthful dalliances... ;)

 
Title: Re: Poor Charlie Sheen Gets No Respect
Post by: alfsauve on March 10, 2011, 04:33:27 PM
(http://images.onset.freedom.com/ocregister/article/lhnalw-b78765963z.120110306084007000guotpjqr.1.jpg)

(http://images.onset.freedom.com/ocregister/gallery/lhnalx-b78765963z.120110306084007000guotpjt8.1.jpg)

(http://images.onset.freedom.com/ocregister/gallery/lhnals-b78765963z.120110306084007000guotpjst.1.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on March 10, 2011, 05:10:45 PM
For those not familar with the term "Coonass", it is a term of endearment among Cajuns.


Never  underestimate the intelligence of a Coonass!!!  They just  talk funny!!
 
Boudreaux, the  smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got  called up to active duty.  Boudreaux's first assignment was  in a military induction center.
 
Because he was a  good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits  about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which  they were entitled.
 
The officer in charge soon  noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the  more expensive supplemental form of GI  insurance.
 
This was remarkable, because it cost  these low-income recruits $30.00 per month for the higher  coverage, compared to what the government was already providing  at no charge.  The officer decided he'd sit in the back of  the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales  pitch.
 
Boudreaux stood up before the latest group  of inductees and said, "If you has da normal GI insurans an' you  goes to Afghanistan   an' gets youself killed, da governmen'  pays you beneficiary $20,000.  If you takes out da  supplemental insurans, which cost you only t'irty dollars a  mons, den da governmen' gots ta pay you beneficiary  $200,000!


"Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch  you tink dey gonna send ta Afghanistan   first?
 
 
Title: Re: Poor Charlie Sheen Gets No Respect
Post by: TAB on March 11, 2011, 01:45:42 AM
So have I TAB, and for a whole lot less money as in ZERO!

Of course, buying dinner and breakfast can get expensive...

 ;D


sex is never free, you pay for it...not always money, but you always pay.
Title: Re: Poor Charlie Sheen Gets No Respect
Post by: tt11758 on March 11, 2011, 05:22:10 PM
I went to bed once at 2 with a 10.....but woke up the next morning at 10 with a 2.    :-X

Yeah, but so did she.  ;D



Aw, c'mon, SOMEBODY had to say it!!
Title: Re: Poor Charlie Sheen Gets No Respect
Post by: Timothy on March 11, 2011, 05:29:16 PM

sex is never free, you pay for it...not always money, but you always pay.

I loved them all and still friends with several!

Priceless!

 ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 11, 2011, 08:37:27 PM
A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in:

"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot.  You're on my side".
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on March 12, 2011, 06:18:34 AM
A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in:

"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot.  You're on my side".



I never realized that the confessional and the corner had so much in common.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 13, 2011, 03:32:57 PM
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/mime-attachment.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on March 13, 2011, 08:11:16 PM
A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display alter boys who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in:

"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot.  You're on my side".


Fixed for accuracy..




yes I know i am going to hell, the corner is just my way of practicing
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: deepwater on March 14, 2011, 08:37:03 AM

 
  Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble..
   
  In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide
to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she
wants to buy it.
   
  The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
   
  After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a
telegram to tell her the news.
   
  She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram
to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
   
  I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so
we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,
it will cost 99 cents a word.
   
  Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be
able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her
the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want
her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul
that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.
   
  She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'


deepwater
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on March 14, 2011, 06:13:42 PM
(http://blacktransmissions.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/obama_dildo.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on March 14, 2011, 06:31:51 PM
I know a lesbo couple that supported obama 100% I should so buy one of those for them.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ichiban on March 14, 2011, 07:11:20 PM
I know a lesbo couple that supported obama 100% I should so buy one of those for them.

Maybe they make a double-ended one that has Biden on the other side.   ;D
He needs to be good for something.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 14, 2011, 08:30:57 PM
Maybe they make a double-ended one that has Biden on the other side.   ;D
He needs to be good for something.

Not true, if he was good for anything he would not need to be a Dem.
It's probably made out of FOAM rubber, in keeping with his career as a useless prick.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 15, 2011, 12:29:18 AM
(http://blacktransmissions.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/obama_dildo.jpg)





Soooooo..since you felt comfortable posting this....
 does this mean I finally passed my test to be in your secret "just for boys" club? 8)


((And for the record.. things made out of foam rubber are NOT useless..  ;) )
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on March 15, 2011, 12:41:18 AM




Soooooo..since you felt comfortable posting this....
 does this mean I finally passed my test to be in your secret "just for boys" club? 8)


((And for the record.. things made out of foam rubber are NOT useless..  ;) )

I always though you started that club..
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 15, 2011, 02:05:51 AM




Soooooo..since you felt comfortable posting this....
 does this mean I finally passed my test to be in your secret "just for boys" club? 8)


((And for the record.. things made out of foam rubber are NOT useless..  ;) )

True, seat cushions can come in real handy.
But for this purpose.......
Well, you'd know more about it than I would.   ;D
Why should the Aussies be the only ones on the shit list  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on March 15, 2011, 03:59:17 AM
True, seat cushions can come in real handy.
But for this purpose.......
Well, you'd know more about it than I would.   ;D
Why should the Aussies be the only ones on the shit list  ;D

Cos we come from good convict stock and are used to being hassled by the man umm err in this case WOMAN.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 15, 2011, 11:06:51 AM
I should fit in nicely, I'm Irish  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on March 19, 2011, 01:01:16 AM
Might be a repost...



A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn't in bed with her.
She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes, I do," she replies smiling.
Sniffling a little bit he continues.. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that, too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on March 19, 2011, 02:41:40 AM
I went into the gas station today and
asked for five dollars worth of gas.....
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 19, 2011, 07:06:10 AM
I went into the gas station today and
asked for five dollars worth of gas.....
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
 


Funny, I remember when $2 would buy 10 gallons!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on March 19, 2011, 07:33:31 AM
Funny, I remember when $2 would buy 10 gallons!

20 cents per gallon is pretty cheap.

I remember riding with my father in our 56 Ford, pulling into a gas station and as the attendant came out (gosh...they even pumped the gas for you at that price) Dad would hold up 5 fingers. 

When the attendant came to the window and asked him if that was 5$ or 5 gallons, Dad, having "anger management issues", would forcefully let the attend know that the damn car won't  hold $5 worth.

I remember when gas hit $1.00 a gallon back in the late 70s thinking that it was an ideal price for Dad....five fingers meant the same either way.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on March 19, 2011, 01:30:50 PM
Funny, I remember when $2 would buy 10 gallons!

I remember when $5 would get me 2-3 hours of water skiing and enough gas in the truck to tow the boat to the lake and back.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 19, 2011, 03:07:06 PM
Solution to the problem in Libya :
They want a new Muslim leader, I say, 'Give them ours.'
Solves 2 problems.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on March 19, 2011, 05:33:40 PM
Solution to the problem in Libya :
They want a new Muslim leader, I say, 'Give them ours.'
Solves 2 problems.


Yeah...Might improve the situation in both countries  :D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on March 19, 2011, 06:24:08 PM
tom, that is in the wrong thread...that isn't a JOKE, it's the truth!!!!!

JMHO


Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on March 20, 2011, 04:36:41 PM
I went into the gas station today and
asked for five dollars worth of gas.....
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
 


This would be a WHOLE lot funnier had I not gone to the gas station to top off the upper half of the tank the other day and been treated to this sight when the pump clicked off........................

(http://i414.photobucket.com/albums/pp225/tt11758/gaspump.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on March 21, 2011, 02:39:01 AM
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus .
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him,
'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: deepwater on March 21, 2011, 05:32:56 AM
got my chief engineer with this one. good fun.
 ;D
http://www.trackapartner.com/
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 22, 2011, 11:12:37 AM
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'   
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.' 
 
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional.
'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.' 
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'   
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied. 
'Very well,' sighed the priest. 'Go and say ten Hail Mary's.'   

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.
Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. 
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear. 

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'   

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 22, 2011, 12:22:52 PM
At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference.
 
Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a bloody Fosters, mate."
 
Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all, gimme a Bud."
 
Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer, ferdamt. Give me ein Becks, ya ist der real King of beers, danke."
 
Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, would ya give me a diet coke with ice and lemon? Tanks."
 
The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"
 
Paddy replies "Well, if you fookin' pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I.

  ;D ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on March 22, 2011, 09:18:41 PM
A missionary went into darkest Africa. As he and the guide were traveling along, the drums started pounding.
The missionary asked, "What does that mean? Are we in trouble?"
The guide said, "No. We will be all right as long as the drums are playing but when they stop, then something terrible will happen."
The drums continued to beat.
Again the missionary voiced his concern about the drums. Again the guide said, "We will be all right as long as the drums are playing but when they stop, then something terrible will happen."
Finally the drums stopped and the trembling missionary asked, "What is going to happen now?"
The guide said, "Banjo solo."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 24, 2011, 10:12:20 PM
Raisin Bread ...
 
 
A bakery owner hires a young  female clerk who  likes to wear very short skirts and thong  panties. One day a young man  enters the store, glances at the  clerk and at the loaves of bread behind  the counter. Noticing  her short  skirt and the location of the raisin  bread, he has  a brilliant idea. "I'd  like some raisin bread please,"  the  man says.
 
The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder  to reach the  raisin bread located on  the very top shelf.  The man standing almost  directly beneath her is provided with  an excellent view, just as he  thought.
 
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had  better get  two loaves, as he is "having company for  dinner."
 
As  the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread,  one of the other male customers notices what's going on and  requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
 
After  many trips she is tired and irritated, and begins to  wonder,  "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
 
Atop  the  ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the  men standing below.  Then, she notices an elderly man standing  amongst the crowd. Thinking that  she can save herself a trip,  she yells at the elderly man,
 
"Is it  raisin for  you too?"
 
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's   quivering a  little."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 25, 2011, 09:44:03 AM
THE HORTH WHITHPERER

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on March 25, 2011, 02:49:58 PM
(http://i414.photobucket.com/albums/pp225/tt11758/Marvin.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 29, 2011, 12:37:24 PM
Law of Mechanical Repair
>1. After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

>2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped,
will roll to the least accessible corner.

>3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

>4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

>5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for
work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire..

>6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes),
the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

>7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water,
the telephone rings.

>8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

>9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

>. 12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot
coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

>14.. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich
landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

>18. Wilson's Law of Commercial
Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

>19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 29, 2011, 02:16:53 PM
A lawyer and a redneck are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that rednecks are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the redneck would like to play a fun game.

The redneck is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the redneck's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The redneck doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the redneck's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.  After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the redneck and hands him $500.00. The redneck pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the redneck up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The redneck reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 29, 2011, 02:17:21 PM
Man sitting at home on the verandah with his wife and he says; "I love you."
 
She asks; "Is that you or the beer talking?"
 
He replies; "It's me ............. talking to the beer."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on March 29, 2011, 02:29:09 PM
WARNING NOT SUITABLE FOR WORK



My grandad said "it's going to be a f....k nightmare this winter with this flu outbreak"

I said "tell me something I don't know......"

Grandad replied "your nana's arse can take my whole fist


To read quote the message, although be warned it is sick and gross... If you think you might get offended you probably will so dont quote it to read, you have been warned....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 29, 2011, 02:50:12 PM
Bush at a bar.

President Bush, decides to leave the Ranch and go out to sit in a local Crawford bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, ''Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?''

The bartender  says, ''Yep, that's him.''

So the guy walks over and says, ''Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?''

Bush says, ''I'm planning WW III.''

The guy says, ''Really? What's going to happen?''

Bush says, ''Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits."

The guy exclaimed, ''A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?''
 
Bush turns to the bartender and says,

''See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims."   
 

Cheers!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on March 29, 2011, 04:59:42 PM
Man sitting at home on the verandah with his wife and he says; "I love you."
 
She asks; "Is that you or the beer talking?"
 
He replies; "It's me ............. talking to the beer."



And he's SINGLE, ladies and gentlemen!!!     ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on March 29, 2011, 05:37:15 PM


And he's SINGLE, ladies and gentlemen!!!     ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

And damned lucky to be alive!!!!!  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 29, 2011, 06:31:21 PM
  Being married helped make me what I am today  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 01, 2011, 11:50:20 AM
How I learned to mind my own business...
 
 
 
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
 
And all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'
 
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
 
Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on....
 
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick
 
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 01, 2011, 01:39:27 PM
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me.  So you must be on the 6th hole.'

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.

'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.'

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

 

 

 


He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and  said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help.
 
I understand that you're in the sales profession.  I'm in sales also.  What do you sell?'

'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.

'No, I won't.'

'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.

'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'

'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on April 01, 2011, 02:26:15 PM
That was a good one Mr. Bogan!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on April 01, 2011, 03:42:03 PM
  Being married helped make me what I am today  ;D

Divorced?  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 01, 2011, 05:13:45 PM
Divorced?  ;D

Yes, and bitter if he's anything like me.  >:(
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on April 01, 2011, 10:16:41 PM
Yes, and bitter if he's anything like me.  >:(

I was bitter about my last divorce and the tens of thousands it cost me.......until I realized that it was worth DOUBLE that to be rid of her!  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 01, 2011, 11:04:21 PM
I was bitter about my last divorce and the tens of thousands it cost me.......until I realized that it was worth DOUBLE that to be rid of her!  ;D

Agreed, but on top of that, I divided what it has cost me by how many times we had sex.
Math says I got a pretty good deal  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 02, 2011, 01:36:41 AM
I would've been better off with high-priced call girls.  :(
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on April 02, 2011, 01:43:50 AM
I would've been better off with high-priced call girls.  :(

i've heard it said many, many times... you don't pay them for sex, you pay them to go.


having never hired one I would not know, but you always have to pay for sex...might not be money, but trust me you pay.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on April 04, 2011, 10:04:58 AM
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH
 

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

 
She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'


 


The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
 

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
 

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
 

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
 

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
 

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
 

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

 

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH

 

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
 

'Why?' asks the father?
 

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
 

'But that's right!' says his dad.
 

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
 

'What's the f....k difference?' asks the father.
 

'That's what I said!'



LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

 

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
 

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
 

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
 

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'


 

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

 

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'
 

The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'
 

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'


 

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

 

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
 

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
 

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
 

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
 

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
 

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f....k beautiful!''
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 04, 2011, 06:45:26 PM
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on April 04, 2011, 07:48:22 PM


On behalf of guys everywhere - - - EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!





Too damn funny, though.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on April 06, 2011, 09:17:25 PM
3 Old Golfers

Three golfers are walking down the fairway.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel
like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens."

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't
have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit
on the toilet all day and nothing happens."

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6.00. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?" asked the 70-year-old.

"No, I have one every morning at 6.30."

Puzzled, the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You pee every
morning at 6.00 and poop every morning at 6.30. So what's so tough
about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until seven!!!!."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on April 07, 2011, 01:09:56 PM
I have heard that the Obama Administration is working to have the major fault causing the quakes hitting Japan renamed.

They are proposing it be renamed to Bush's Fault

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on April 07, 2011, 04:05:39 PM
Ruger is coming out with a new handgun in honor of President Obama.  It's called the Government Employee Special.  It won't work and you can't fire it.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ichiban on April 08, 2011, 03:26:29 PM
Okay, this one has been around for a while.


You may have heard on the news about a southern California man that was
put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found that he owned
100 guns and allegedly had (by rough estimate) 1 million rounds of
ammunition stored in his home.The house also featured a secret escape
tunnel.

My favorite quote from the dimwit television reporter: "Wow! He has ....
about a million machine gun bullets." The headline referred to it as a
"massive weapons cache."

I am dubious about the pile of ammunition
boxes and cans that they showed. It looked big enough to contain no more
than about 100,000 rounds, unless there was a lot of .22 rimfire ammo.
However, by southern California standards, even someone owning 100,000
rounds would be called "mentally unstable."

Just imagine if he lived elsewhere:
In Arizona , . . . he'd be called "an avid gun collector."
In Texas , . .. . he'd be called "a novice gun collector."
In Utah , . .. .he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd
probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding
quantity of stored food.
In Montana , . .. .he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."
In Idaho , . . . he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."
In Washington ……he'd be a "retired Policeman."
And, in Wyoming , . . . he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on April 08, 2011, 04:12:40 PM
I'm more then half way there with guns, ammo is not anywhere close.  about 25k rounds on hand... can't aford to buy more and no need to make more if I'm not shooting them up...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 08, 2011, 08:17:58 PM
In NH he'd be called a lucky SOB   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on April 09, 2011, 09:04:44 AM
I was bitter about my last divorce and the tens of thousands it cost me.......until I realized that it was worth DOUBLE that to be rid of her!  ;D


One of the guys I work with says the reason divorces are so expensive is because they're worth it.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on April 09, 2011, 12:43:06 PM
Scientific proof that Adam was blind!

When God first created Adam something went wrong with the eyes.

Adam was blind!

How do we know this?

Braille!

God knew there would be endless trouble if Adam confused Eve and his girlfriends.

God pondered this and created the nipple.

This gave Adam easy to access identification points  that were quickly accessible during moments of passion  ;D

Thank you , thank you very much!

I will be here all weekend  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on April 09, 2011, 07:04:51 PM
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. 
His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.'  Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. 
A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.'

The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.' 
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: david86440 on April 09, 2011, 10:42:55 PM
Corrected for errors..........

Okay, this one has been around for a while.


You may have heard on the news about a southern California man that was
put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found that he owned
100 guns and allegedly had (by rough estimate) 1 million rounds of
ammunition stored in his home.The house also featured a secret escape
tunnel.

My favorite quote from the dimwit television reporter: "Wow! He has ....
about a million machine gun bullets." The headline referred to it as a
"massive weapons cache."

I am dubious about the pile of ammunition
boxes and cans that they showed. It looked big enough to contain no more
than about 100,000 rounds, unless there was a lot of .22 rimfire ammo.
However, by southern California standards, even someone owning 100,000
rounds would be called "mentally unstable."

Just imagine if he lived elsewhere:
In Arizona , . . . he'd be called "an avid gun collector billt."
In Texas , . .. . he'd be called "a novice gun collector."
In Utah , . .. .he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd
probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding
quantity of stored food.
In Montana , . .. .he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."
In Idaho , . . . he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."
In Washington ……he'd be a "retired Policeman."
And, in Wyoming , . . . he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on April 10, 2011, 02:29:16 PM
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. 
His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.'  Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. 
A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.'

The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.' 
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'




Wonder how much more surgery was necessitated by THAT remark?  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on April 10, 2011, 02:57:32 PM


Wonder how much more surgery was necessitated by THAT remark?  ;D


None ...

He was served some kind of fried oyster for supper and has been polite ever since  :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on April 10, 2011, 03:00:51 PM
A female officer pulls over a drunk man. The officer tells them, "Anything you say will be held against you!" Then the drunk man yells; "TITTIES"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on April 11, 2011, 06:11:35 PM
At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. However, on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.

"We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 11, 2011, 08:57:32 PM
ROTFL~~ ;D ;D


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on April 11, 2011, 11:39:17 PM
haha 

that is based on a NZ  TV add



neck agility cuz
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 12, 2011, 02:00:07 PM
CATHOLIC SHAMPOO
 
     While shopping in a food store, two nuns  happened  to pass by the beer cooler. One nun , Tracy ,said to the other,  "Wouldn't a  nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer  evening?"

     The second nun answered  "Indeed it would   Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer  as I am certain that  it would cause a scene at the check-out  counter."

  "I can handle that  without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six-pack and headed  for the check-out.

 The cashier had a  surprised look on his  face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack  of beer.  "We use beer for washing  our hair" the  nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you  will."
 Without blinking an eye,  the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the  nun straight in the eye,  smiled and said, "The curlers are on the  house."

 ;) ;D
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on April 21, 2011, 06:40:13 AM
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 21, 2011, 09:40:38 AM
         A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
         

    Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
     After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

 She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
 Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.
This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks,"You finish?"
 Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
 Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
 Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?" 
 
 
 
 Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear:"No, I Norwegian."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on April 21, 2011, 06:03:56 PM
I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "you're definitely going to $hit yourself, road-kill chili". Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day your butt cheeks might fall off!

Here's the thing.  I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den.  Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt..  In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.


  I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.  I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!


 Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.  Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal ass-plosion took place.


Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch! Did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes.  It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'


My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.


Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes.. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.
 
Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on April 21, 2011, 07:43:49 PM
Three Black Men in the Park

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had a black penis, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied.

'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all! They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on April 22, 2011, 03:08:36 PM
HILLBILLY VASECTOMY
>
> After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided
> that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
>
> So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that
> he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
>
> The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
> vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
>
> 'A less costly alternative, ' said the doctor, 'is to go home,
> get a cherry bomb , (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country)
> light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear
> and count to 10.'
>
> The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool
> in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer
> can next to my ear is going to help me.'
>
> 'Trust me,' said the doctor.
>
> So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
> He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
>
> '1'
>
> '2'
>
> '3'
>
> '4'
>
> '5'
>
> (You'll love this.)
>
> At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs
> and continued counting on his other hand.
>
> This procedure works in
> Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama,
> Georgia, West Virginia and some parts of Texas.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on April 22, 2011, 03:17:14 PM
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 23, 2011, 09:13:37 PM
Playboy magazine has reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue.  Michelle Obama was offered $75 by National Geographic
 
In other news ... We all remember when KFC (Kentucky Fried Chicken) offered a "Hillary Meal" consisting of 2 small breasts and 2 large thighs.  Now, KFC is offering the "Obama Cabinet Bucket."  It consists of nothing but left wings and rear-ends

Just keeping you up to date.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 23, 2011, 09:47:48 PM
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on April 26, 2011, 08:16:15 AM
You could be a Muslim if:

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral
objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you
can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon
unclean.

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and
suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in
your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than
setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at
least four.

10. Your cousin is president of the United States .

11. If You find this offensive or racist and don't forward it.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on April 27, 2011, 02:21:30 PM
"I have  outlived my  pecker."
   
 
 My nookie days are over,
  My pilot light is out.
  What used to be my sex appeal,
  Is now my water spout.
 
  Time was when, on its own accord,
  From my trousers it would spring.
  But now  I've got a full time job,
  To find the friggin' thing. 

  It used to be embarrassing,
  The way it would behave.
  For every single morning,
  It would stand and watch me shave.
 
  Now as old age approaches,
  It sure gives me the blues.
  To see it hang its little head,
 And watch me tie my shoes!!
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on April 27, 2011, 03:24:21 PM
Two old guys talking:

One said to the other: "My 75th birthday yesterday; wife gave me an SUV".

Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"
First guy: "Yup.  Socks, Underwear, and Viagra!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on April 28, 2011, 05:06:42 PM
Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.
He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government?  Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister.. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.


Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice presidential choice the same question. "Joe, answer this for me.  Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden "Let me get back to you on that one."

He went to his advisers and asked every one, but none could give him an answer.  Finally, he ran into Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Sarah Palin answered back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Sarah Palin!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face,

"No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

AND THAT IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON WITH OUR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IN WASHINGTON , D.C.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on April 29, 2011, 05:13:06 PM
Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.
He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government?  Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister.. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.


Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice presidential choice the same question. "Joe, answer this for me.  Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden "Let me get back to you on that one."

He went to his advisers and asked every one, but none could give him an answer.  Finally, he ran into Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Sarah Palin answered back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Sarah Palin!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face,

"No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

AND THAT IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON WITH OUR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IN WASHINGTON , D.C.



Perhaps after January 21, 2013 this joke will be funny.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on April 30, 2011, 01:51:02 PM
a clean one, for a change...

"Science Quotes from Kids"

~ One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

~ You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

~ When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

~ When people run around and around in circles, we say they are crazy. When planets do it, we say they are orbiting.

~ While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

~ Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change into a sun in the daytime.

~ A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

~ Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to become oil.

~ Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.

~ Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

~ We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

~ I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

~ In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.

~ Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

~ Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.

~ Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

~ Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

~ It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live in other places.


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: hollandm on May 03, 2011, 11:52:49 AM
Official Photo of Osama's Burial at Sea.

It's kinda small but that's a white 1962 Ford Fairlane.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: FSBARAK on May 03, 2011, 12:52:28 PM
(https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=129ffc2e6a&view=att&th=12fb2de5d25f5baa&attid=0.1&disp=inline&zw)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on May 03, 2011, 05:30:21 PM
The phone call
 
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors male dog at her house while they were away on vacation. She had a large house however and believed that she could keep them apart.
As she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and  found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.
 
She was unable to separate  them and perplexed as to what to do next. Although it was late, she  called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said. "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
 
"It just worked for me" he replied .
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on May 04, 2011, 03:10:07 PM
Next time your at your favorite pub, ask the bartender for a " Bin Laden "
 
When he asks,,," What's that ? "
 
Tell him....." Two shots and a splash of water "
 
 
God Bless America !
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on May 04, 2011, 05:33:52 PM
Next time your at your favorite pub, ask the bartender for a " Bin Laden "
 
When he asks,,," What's that ? "
 
Tell him....." Two shots and a splash of water "
 
 
God Bless America !

I stole that one quicker 'n Jerry Miculek can empty a S&W.    ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on May 05, 2011, 05:07:42 PM
(http://i414.photobucket.com/albums/pp225/tt11758/fishfood.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on May 05, 2011, 05:11:15 PM
Osama's last Facebook post:


"BRB.....someone's at the door."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on May 06, 2011, 11:11:59 AM
Osama's last Facebook post:


"BRB.....someone's at the door."

(https://s-hphotos-snc6.fbcdn.net/210170_10150571596560174_631095173_18504735_1011720_o.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: FSBARAK on May 09, 2011, 01:07:25 AM
A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned
Over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours ? "

He replied,  " No Ma'am,  I work for a condom company.
These are customer complaints. "
 
 
 


Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy.

"What would you say if I told you that I've been sleeping with your best friend?" she asked provocatively.

"Well," he mused, "I'd say that you're a lesbian."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on May 09, 2011, 11:53:55 PM
A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer.

The bartender looks up and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya??? Where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on May 11, 2011, 07:50:55 PM
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States . If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on May 12, 2011, 12:56:17 PM
"I LOVE YOU" IN 10 LANGUAGES

 




  English
                                I Love  You
  Spanish
                                Te  Amo
  French
                                Je  T'aime
  German
                                Ich Liebe  Dich
  Japanese
                                Ai Shite  Imasu
  Italian
                                Ti  Amo
  Chinese
                                Wo Ai  Ni
  Swedish
                                Jag Alskar   Dig
  Lithuanian
                                As Tave  Meliu

  Alabama, Arkansas,  Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina,
  Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi ,  Kentucky, North Carolina,
  West Virginia,  Virginia, the  Ozarks

                                  Nice Tits, Get in the  Truck.

 ;D ;D ;D ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on May 13, 2011, 12:15:58 PM
HOW DRY IS IT IN TEXAS? 
 
 
 
It's so dry in Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling.
The Methodists are using wet-wipes.
The Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks,
and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.


Now THAT's Dry !!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on May 13, 2011, 12:19:11 PM
    The Lone Ranger's Last Request

 
    The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured

    by an enemy Indian War Party.


    The Indian Chief proclaims,


    "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ....

 

    "In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days.

    Before I kill you, I grant you three requests.
    What is your FIRST request ???”

    The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

 
    The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in

    Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.

    Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

    As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent

    and spends the night.


    The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed.
    "You have a very fine and loyal horse",
    "But I will still kill you in two days."

    "What is your SECOND request ???"

    The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him,

    and he again whispers in the horse's ear.


    As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

    Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a
    voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.


    She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

    The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.

    "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow."

    "What is your LAST request ???"

    The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse.... alone."

    The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought

    to the Lone Ranger's tent


    Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,

    Looks him square in the eye and says,

    “Listen Very Carefully!!!!

    FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...

    I SAID ....

    BRING POSSE
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on May 13, 2011, 12:21:26 PM
Bin Laden Given Religious Funeral Prior to Sea Burial.

Published May 02, 2011

Osama bin Laden was given a religious funeral prior to his burial at sea, senior
military officials told Fox News.

Religious rites were conducted on the deck of the USS Carl Vinson aircraft
carrier at about 1:10 a.m. Monday in the Persian Gulf .

In accordance with Islamic practice, bin Laden's body was washed and wrapped in a
white sheet before buried at sea at 2 a.m. local time, senior U.S. military
and intelligence officials said.

Then, "In accordance with common US Navy SEAL practice, the Team pissed on him, stuck a pulled pork sandwich in his mouth and a kosher hot dog up his ass, and pushed the worthless bastard overboard with the other garbage," a senior SEAL officer said.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on May 16, 2011, 01:43:59 PM
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on May 17, 2011, 07:15:50 PM
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on May 19, 2011, 10:37:14 PM
The kids have all their little SMS codes...like BFF, WTF, LOL etc.

So here are some codes for the seniors:

ATD - At the Doctor's

BFF - Best Friends Funeral

BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

CBM - Covered by Medicare

CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center

DWI - Driving While Incontinent

FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers

FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

FYI - Found Your Insulin

GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

GHA - Got Heartburn Again

HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

OMMR - On My Massage Recliner

OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!

TTYL - Talk to You Louder

WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again

WTP - Where's the Prunes

WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kickin in!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: m25operator on May 22, 2011, 07:10:46 PM
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---

CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY


A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at
her. She
immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved
again.. The man seemed
more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she
complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.


The case came up in court.


The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
what he had to say for himself.


The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: when
the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her
condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The
Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to
smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time
and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on May 23, 2011, 12:43:05 PM
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr.. Jones, at your cervix."

**************************
 

In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

**************************
 

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************
 

At a Proctologist's door:

"To expedite your visit, please back in."

**************************
 

 At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."

**************************
 

On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

**************************
 

On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

**************************
 

On a Church's Billboard:

"7 days without God makes one weak."

**************************
 

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

"Invite us to your next blowout."

**************************
 

At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

**************************
 

On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

**************************
 

In a Non-smoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

**************************
 

On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

**************************
 

On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

**************************
 

On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

**************************
 

  At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet -
 miss a car payment."

**************************
 

Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

**************************
 

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

**************************
 

At the Electric Company

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be."

**************************
 

In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry;
 come on in and get fed up."

**************************
 

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************
 

At a Propane Filling Station:

"Thank heaven for little grills."

**************************
 

And don't forget the sign at a

CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:

"Best place in town to take a leak."

**************************
 

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on May 24, 2011, 07:13:29 AM
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: FSBARAK on May 26, 2011, 02:11:19 PM
Funny 'cause it's true in so many ways.

http://youtu.be/9pn3zxwTUWA (http://youtu.be/9pn3zxwTUWA) with lyrics

http://youtu.be/cuZBpkjZAbY (http://youtu.be/cuZBpkjZAbY) with different video






Apparently I'm not puter literate enuf to figure out how to post the video, but the link should be good.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on May 28, 2011, 05:07:00 PM
             An old guy ... ok, a guy my age and not in the best of shape....
            was working out in the gym when he spotted a sexy and beautiful young woman.

 

          He asked the nearby trainer, "What machine should I use in here to impress that cute young thing over there?"

          The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I'd try the ATM in the lobby."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: JC5123 on May 31, 2011, 03:54:01 PM
Shamelessly stolen from another forum. But so funny and true, I had to share it.


Class I, Easy. Fast moving water with riffles and small waves.
Swimming is pleasant, shore easily reached. A nice break from
paddling. Almost all gear and equipment is recovered. Boat is just
slightly scratched.

Class II, Novice. Straightforward rapids with wide, clear channels
which are evident without scouting. Swimming to eddies requires
moderate effort. Climbing out of river may involve slippery rocks and
shrub-induced lacerations. Paddle travels great distance downstream
requiring lengthy walk. Something unimportant is missing. Boat hits
submerged rock leaving visible dent on frame or new gash in plastic.

Class III, Intermediate. Rapids with moderate, irregular waves which
may be difficult to avoid. Water is swallowed. Legs are ground
repeatedly against sharp, pointy rocks. Several eddies are missed
while swimming. Difficult decision to stay with boat results in
moment of terror when swimmer realizes they are downstream of boat.
Paddle is recirculated in small hole way upstream. All personal
possessions are removed from boat and floated in different
directions. Paddling partners run along river bank shouting helpful
instructions. Boat is munched against large boulder hard enough to
leave series of deep gouges. Sunglasses fall off.

Class IV, Advanced. Water is generally lots colder than Class III.
Intense, powerful but predictable rapids requiring precise swimming
in turbulent water. Swimming may require `must' moves above dangerous
hazards. Must moves are downgraded to `strongly recommended' after
they are missed. Sensation of disbelief experienced while about to
swim large drops. Frantic swimming towards shore is alternated with
frantic swimming away from shore to avoid strainers. Rocks are clung
to with death grip. Paddle is completely forgotten. One shoe is
removed. Hydraulic pressure permanently removes waterproof box with
all the really important stuff. Paddle partners running along stream
look genuinely concerned while lofting throw ropes 20 feet behind
swimmer. Paddle partners stare slack-jawed and point in amazement at
boat which is finally pinned by major feature. Climbing up river bank
involves inverted tree. One of those spring loaded pins that attaches
watch to wristband is missing. Contact lenses are moved to rear of
eyeballs.

Class V, Expert. The water in this rapid is usually under 42 degrees
F. Most gear is destroyed on rocks within minutes if not seconds. If
the boat survives, it is need of about three days of repair. There is
no swimming, only frantic movements to keep from becoming one with
the rocks and to get a breath from time to time. Terror and panic set
in as you realize your paddle partners don't have a chance in heck of
reaching you. You come to a true understanding of the terms
maytagging and pinballing. That hole that looked like nothing when
scouted, has a hydraulic that holds you under the water until your
lungs are close to bursting. You come out only to realize you still
have 75% of the rapid left to swim. Swim to the eddy? What #%^&*#*
eddy!? This rapid usually lasts a mile or more. Hydraulic pressure
within the first few seconds removes everything that can come off
your body. This includes gloves, shoes, neoprene socks, sunglasses,
hats, and clothing. The rocks take care of your fingers, toes, and
ears. That $900.00 dry suit, well it might hold up to the rocks. Your
paddle is trash. If there is a strainer, well, just hope it is old
and rotten so it breaks. Paddle partners on shore are frantically
trying to run and keep up with you. Their horror is reflected in
their faces as they stare at how you are being tossed around! They
are hoping to remember how to do CPR. They also really hope the
cooler with the beer is still intact. They are going to need a cold
one by the time you get out! Climbing out of this happens after the
rapid is over. You will probably need the help of a backboard,
cervical collar and Z-rig. Even though you have broken bones,
lacerations, puncture wounds, missing digits & ears, and a
concussion, you won't feel much pain because you will have severe
hypothermia. Enjoy your stay in the hospital: with the time you take
recovering, you won't get another vacation for 3 years.

Class VI, World Class. Not recommended for swimming.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fightingquaker13 on June 02, 2011, 12:50:16 AM

 

No Enemies

 
Let's hope this happens to  all of us! 
98 and no enemies -  human  interest story.

All golfers should live so long as to be this kind of old man!
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of  you have forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.
 
"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped  their hands.
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the  world?"
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the  congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all the sons of bitches." ;D
 
 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on June 02, 2011, 06:07:05 AM
(http://forum.bodybuilding.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=3401741&stc=1&d=1307243176)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 02, 2011, 01:06:28 PM
(http://forum.bodybuilding.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=3401741&stc=1&d=1307243176)

Welcome to Red Bull.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on June 06, 2011, 12:29:52 PM
Accident in Anchorage
 
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

 
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.


"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens  shouted. 
 
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.  Which do you want to hear first?"
 
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens  said, "Give me the bad news first."
 
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
 
"Oh, no!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, “What's the good news?"
 
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had a dozen 25 pound king crabs and 6 fairly good sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
 
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded,  "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
 
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steyr M40A1 on June 06, 2011, 09:38:41 PM
I kept replaying and replaying from the 10sec mark.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: GASPASSERDELUXE on June 06, 2011, 09:43:13 PM

 
NORTH DAKOTA COW
 

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota . He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk.
When he grabs a teat and pulls....the cow farts.
Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again.
He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again.
Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow.
When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.'
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat...the cow farts..
Sven looks at Ole and says, You bought dis here cow over in Nordakota, didn't yah?'
Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.
Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how did yah know?'
Sven says, 'My wife is from Nordakota.
 
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on June 06, 2011, 10:59:53 PM




Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: FSBARAK on June 07, 2011, 02:35:03 PM
A third grade teacher asked her students to, one by one, stand in
front of the class and tell what their Daddy's do.

Little Mary went first,

"My daddy is a doctor and he saves people's lives"

"That's wonderful Mary. Now how about you Jane, what does your
daddy do?"

"My daddy is a lawyer and he puts bad people in jail," says Jane

"Very good Jane. Ok Johnny, what does your daddy do?"

"My daddy is dead" says Johnny

"Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that Johnny," said the teacher, "what
did he do before he died?"

"He turned blue and shit on the carpet"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 07, 2011, 04:15:33 PM
Corner, here I come.......

The Blond is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh.

Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location.

She responds 'It's really cool.............If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean.'



 :o    ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on June 08, 2011, 03:53:27 AM
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.
 
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
 
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
 
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other
children.
So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.  I don't understand. My parents taught me to
be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. 

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where the f..k I am...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steve Cover on June 09, 2011, 10:53:18 PM
Last summer our two grand-nieces spent some time with us at our retirement property up in the NE corner of Washington.

Being big city girls, they were excited about being in the woods.
They wanted something to show their friends back home, so I decided to let them use one of my traps to catch a squirrel.
After a few pictures, the squirrel would be released unharmed... No harm no foul..

They took an apple for bait and off they went....

(http://i160.photobucket.com/albums/t175/SteveCover/Shooting/Hunting/BearTrap.jpg)

I guess I should have told them what a squirrel was...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on June 09, 2011, 11:04:20 PM
LOL!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: bulldog75 on June 10, 2011, 08:15:14 AM
 :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on June 10, 2011, 05:28:40 PM
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.

She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 10, 2011, 08:51:57 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 11, 2011, 02:20:26 PM

Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years -
I think Bin Laden called the US Navy Seals himself.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on June 12, 2011, 09:43:16 PM
In honor of  Arnold Schwarzenegger and Congressman Weiner, a new commandment has been created.

             Be sure to write  this one in underneath the other ten:
            "Thou Shalt Not Share Thy Rod With Thy  Staff."
             
                             
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 12, 2011, 09:51:17 PM
Bill Clinton thinks that is a truly worthy bipartisan comment  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on June 12, 2011, 11:21:11 PM
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on June 13, 2011, 04:40:26 AM
Wish I could figure out how to make that a "Blonde" joke!

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on June 13, 2011, 10:55:23 AM
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. 
Barbara Moore stood and walked to the podium.  She said, "I have a praise.  Two months ago, my husband, Dave, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.  The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Dave must have experienced. 
"Dave was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Dave's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Dave. 
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Dave is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief.  The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. 
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Dave Moore." The entire congregation held its breath.  "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on June 13, 2011, 11:44:34 AM
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. 
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the 
hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen
"Hello?"


"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

 asked the woman on the other end.
"Yes."


The woman continues, "I am at the shops now and found this 
beautiful leather coat. It's a little pricey at $2,000 
but I really love it. Is it okay if I buy it?"


The man replies, "Two thousand seems like a lot for a leather 
coat but, sure, go ahead and get if you like it that much."


"I also stopped by the Lexus dealership 
and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked," said the woman.


"How much is the car?"


"$90,000,” said the woman.


"A Lexus for $90,000?” said the man. “OK, but for that price 
I want it with every possible option."
"Great!” exclaimed the woman. “Oh, and one more thing... the house 
I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000."


"Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. 
They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80 thousand 
if it's really a pretty good deal."


"Okay,” said the woman. “I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
"Bye! I love you, too."


The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at 
him in astonishment, mouths agape. He turns and asks, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ichiban on June 13, 2011, 01:17:53 PM

"I told Weiner, he just went too far, he's going to have to resign . . . What do you mean, 'Am I serious?'"

- Bill Clinton
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steve Cover on June 13, 2011, 06:49:46 PM
Terrorists Are Like Salmon
Life Is Good
Until The Seals Arrive
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on June 13, 2011, 10:12:43 PM
The Muslims aren't happy!

They're not happy in Gaza.
They're not happy in Egypt.
They're not happy in Libya.
They're not happy in Morocco.
They're not happy in Iran.
They're not happy in Iraq.
They're not happy in Yemen.
They're not happy in Afghanistan.
They're not happy in Pakistan.
They're not happy in Syria.
They're not happy in Lebanon.
 
And where are they happy?

They're happy in England.
They're happy in France.
They're happy in Italy.
They're happy in Germany.
They're happy in Sweden.
They're happy in the USA.
They're happy in Norway.
They're happy in every country that is not Muslim.
 
And who do they blame?
Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves.
THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on June 14, 2011, 04:31:38 PM


 

 Polish Sausage

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am.  But let me ask you
something.

"If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was
Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was
German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did
you ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot!"

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: JC5123 on June 14, 2011, 05:36:03 PM
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Tequila(r)…. Leave Shyness Behind!!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ichiban on June 14, 2011, 05:41:24 PM
On that note.....

(http://i755.photobucket.com/albums/xx191/saharrold/Tequila.jpg)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 15, 2011, 11:50:42 PM
Obama says he will be making no more public
speeches in the State of Mississippi .
He claims every time he gets up on stage to
make a speech, some Mississippi cotton farmer
starts bidding on him.
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on June 16, 2011, 01:08:52 AM
OUCH!....and stolen!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 16, 2011, 08:17:24 AM
Would you believe I got that from my MOTHER.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ratcatcher55 on June 16, 2011, 08:36:26 AM
Aussies!



A Drover walks into a bar with a pet  crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.  He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a  deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. 

Then the croc will close his  mouth for one minute.

'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit  unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their  approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, 
and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth..

The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile really,
really hard on  the top of  its head

The croc  opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as  promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay  anyone $100 who's
willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over  the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. 

A blonde woman timidly spoke up... 'I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard with the beer  bottle!' 




Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on June 16, 2011, 10:51:52 AM
Would you believe I got that from my MOTHER.   ;D


You obviously come from good stock, Mr. President.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on June 17, 2011, 01:35:16 PM
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny,a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!'

Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Johnny, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!', said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...'

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Once again, Johnny's was the only hand in the air and he said; 'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.

The teacher snapped @ the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Johnny isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F*** the Japs,'

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

Little Johnny put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right!!! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Johnny says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, We're screwed!'

Little Johnny said quietly, 'the American people, November 4, 2008.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on June 17, 2011, 07:36:48 PM




http://www.metacafe.com/watch/yt-90rHFreKjvs/tig_ol_bitties/ (http://www.metacafe.com/watch/yt-90rHFreKjvs/tig_ol_bitties/)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on June 18, 2011, 10:16:11 AM
Henny Youngman Lives On

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning, can you believe it... 2:30 AM! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.
 
Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead"  The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the laundry is building up!"
 
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."
 
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
 
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
 
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my ass!
Do you think I should change dentists?
 
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect?
You're in a wheel chair.
 
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".
 
The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 18, 2011, 11:04:02 AM
So there's this guy who just got out of a really bad divorce from his wife.

One day, he found a genie's lamp.

After rubbing it a little, the genie popped out and said, "Hello master. I will grant you three wishes but, the catch is, whatever you wish for, your ex-wife gets twice as much!"

The guy didn't like that part as he absolutely hated the way she strung him through the ringer, but he didn't see any way around it so he made his first wish without even thinking about it.

"Genie, I wish I had brand new Ferrari."

POOF!!! A beautiful new Ferrari appeared right in front of him...but the genie reminded him that his ex-wife now had two!

This didn't make the guy happy, but he went on with his second wish a little impulsively.

"Genie, I wish I had 2 billion dollars!"

POOF!!! His whole car is filled with a countless amount cash, but again the genie informs him that he just gave his ex-wife 4 billion dollars.

By now, the guy is very angry, so he takes extra care in considering his next wish.

Suddenly, a huge grin breaks out on his face and he says, "Genie, I wish you would beat me half to death!"

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ichiban on June 18, 2011, 11:11:13 AM
A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman were sitting in a bar in Sydney, Australia.

"The view is fantastic, the beer excellent and the food exceptional," said the Scotsman, "but I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow, there's a little bar called McTavish's. The landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you'd like. Then, when you've had enough drink, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid - ALL on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims, but he swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not myself personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister."

 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on June 19, 2011, 09:41:35 AM
Why construction workers shouldn't be allowed to buy beer.







(http://rds.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0PDoX2wCP5NFRsA_.KjzbkF/SIG=133ebktd5/EXP=1308522800/**http%3a//stat2.architizer-cdn.com/mediadata/projects/042011/r990x990/f6ab0535.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on June 19, 2011, 10:06:31 PM
A priest and a rabbi are having dinner together talking and the priest asks the rabbi, "Rabbi I know your religion doesn't allow you to eat pork, but I was wondering, have you ever strayed and eaten it?"
The rabbi says "To tell you the truth once I was out of town at a conference. Afterward i went to a diner for dinner and someone had ordered a BLT. The smell was to much to resist. I figured no-one would know, and I ordered one too."
The priest nodded, but said nothing.
The rabbi waited a few minutes and asks "Father, I know your religion does not allow the clergy to have sex. I was just wondering if you had ever strayed and enjoyed the peasures of a woman?"
The priest hesitated and finally says "Yes rabbi I too have gone against my religion. I was consoling a young widow that was struggling in life. she started crying, I held her trying to comfort her. One thing led to another and we wound up in bed."
The rabbi nodded and after a few moments said "Sure beats the hell out of a BLT, doesn't it?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 20, 2011, 04:12:44 PM
We are blessed in the South to have such an abundant wealth of talented story tellers through whom future generations can learn of our history and 21st century lifestyle.

Here is a classical example:

A Poem About Tomatoes

I know a Muslim whose name is Jim,
I really love throwing tomatoes at him,
Tomatoes are soft and don't hurt the skin,
But these f**kers do, 'cause they're still in the tin!



The warmth and heart wrenching simplicity of Appalachian poetry can bring a tear to the eye.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on June 20, 2011, 08:32:30 PM
We are blessed in the South to have such an abundant wealth of talented story tellers through whom future generations can learn of our history and 21st century lifestyle.

Here is a classical example:

A Poem About Tomatoes

I know a Muslim whose name is Jim,
I really love throwing tomatoes at him,
Tomatoes are soft and don't hurt the skin,
But these f**kers do, 'cause they're still in the tin!



The warmth and heart wrenching simplicity of Appalachian poetry can bring a tear to the eye.


DUDE!!  You owe me a keyboard!!!  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on June 21, 2011, 04:39:08 PM
God
Said, "Adam, I
Want you to do
Something for
Me."

Adam
Said, "Gladly,
Lord, what do You
Want me to do?"


God
Said , "Go down
Into that
Valley."
Adam said, "What's
A valley?"

God explained it to
Him. Then God said,
"Cross the
River."

Adam said, "What's a
River?"

God explained that
To him, and then said,
"Go over to the
Hill...."

Adam said, "What is a
Hill?"


So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On
The
Other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave."


Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'

After God explained,
He
Said, "In the cave
You will find a woman."


Adam said, "What's a
Woman?'

So God explained
That to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I
Want you
To
Reproduce."

Adam said, "How do
I do
That?" 

God first said (under
His breath), "Geez....."

And then,
Just like everything else, God explained that to
Adam, as
Well.

So, Adam goes down
Into
The valley,

Across the river, and
Over the hill,
Into the
Cave, and finds the
Woman.

Then, in
About five minutes, he was back.

God,
His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, "What is
It
Now?"

And Adam said....


*

*


(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE
THIS!!!!!!)

*

*


*

*

*

"What's a
Headache?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on June 21, 2011, 06:18:33 PM
Multi tasking wasn't big back then either!

LOL


Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on June 22, 2011, 07:02:19 AM
While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River ; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying. Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown. Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and HomelandSecurity. It is now 4 PM, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded. I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on June 22, 2011, 07:27:43 PM
    Barack and Michelle are at a recent White Sox game.

    Sitting in the first row with the Secret Service people directly behind them, one  of

     

    the Secret Service guys leans forward and says something to the president. Barack stares at the guy,   looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head violently.

    The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request,  from the owner of the team down to the bat boy. And...the fans would love it!"

    So, Barack shrugs his shoulders and says, "If that's what the  people want."

    He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the  seat of her pants, and drops her right over the wall into the field. She  gets up kicking, swearing, and screaming -- and the crowd goes wild,   cheering, applauding, and high-fiving.

    Barack is bowing and  smiling, and leans over to the agent and says, "You were right, I would have never believed that!"

    Then noticing the agent has gone  totally pale, Barack asks what is wrong.

    The agent replies, "Sir,  I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 22, 2011, 07:29:27 PM
Majer, that one is sooooo going to be stolen and sent on........   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 22, 2011, 07:34:58 PM
Via Sheriff Jim Wilson:

Hilary Clinton told TSA she refuses to be patted down.
Bill Clinton said, "Tell me about it!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on June 23, 2011, 01:00:51 PM
My New Doctor

    I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, and drop-dead gorgeous!

    I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before.

    Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out .."

    I said, "...my wife thinks my dick tastes funny..."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on June 23, 2011, 03:23:27 PM
BIG PEOPLE  WORDS

 

A group of  kindergartners were trying very hard to

become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher

insisted on NO baby talk!

 

You need to use 'Big People' words,'  she was always reminding  them.

 

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

'I went to visit my Nana'.

 

No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.

Use 'Big People'  words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done

'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.

 

She said.  'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.

You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.

 

She then asked little Alex what he had done?

 

'I read a book' he replied.

 

That's  WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.

 

'What book did you read?'

 

 

 

Alex thought real hard about it,

then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,

'Winnie the SHIT'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on June 24, 2011, 07:07:30 PM
Cowboy Up

An Alberta cowboy walked into a drug store in Vancouver and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him.
The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The cowboy then agreed and began by saying, “This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a, uh, permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.”
The pharmacist said, “Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.”
When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length, and the absolute best we can do is as follows:
-1/3 ownership in the store
-A company pickup truck
-Two home cooked dinners a week
-And $3,000 a month in living expenses.”

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on June 24, 2011, 09:09:07 PM
There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on
an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became
pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the
hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that the squaw of
the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two
hides. (Some of you may need help with this one.)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 24, 2011, 09:36:01 PM
Pythagoras on acid ?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 25, 2011, 01:26:57 AM
Ruger is coming out with a new pistol in honor of Senators and Congressmen.
It will be named the “Congressman”.

It doesn't work and you can't fire it.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 25, 2011, 09:16:54 AM
Ruger is coming out with a new pistol in honor of Senators and Congressmen.
It will be named the “Congressman”.

It doesn't work and you can't fire it.

Gonna steal that one too.  :D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fightingquaker13 on June 25, 2011, 09:44:05 AM
Ruger is coming out with a new pistol in honor of Senators and Congressmen.
It will be named the “Congressman”.

It doesn't work and you can't fire it.
And here I was hoping it just blew up in your hand. :-\
FQ13
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 25, 2011, 10:03:08 AM
And here I was hoping it just blew up in your hand. :-\
FQ13

No, that's the Barney Frank model.   :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: 1911 Junkie on June 25, 2011, 10:40:02 AM
No, that's the Barney Frank model.   :o

Beat me to it.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on June 25, 2011, 05:06:17 PM
We must be PC here...I believe it's Congressperson!

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on June 25, 2011, 07:19:00 PM
Did you hear about the lesbians who build a house and didn't use a single nail?  It was all tongue and groove. 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on June 26, 2011, 06:57:14 PM
(http://www.nicky510.com/comics/2010-07-08OT62ZomBees.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on June 26, 2011, 07:05:36 PM
(http://www.nicky510.com/comics/2010-08-26OT78TreeOF.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 27, 2011, 12:27:21 PM
**A New Business Opportunity**
 
A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on June 27, 2011, 12:53:11 PM
**A New Business Opportunity**
 
A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

Tough market to get word of mouth, or repeat customers in I'll guess.   ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 28, 2011, 09:15:18 AM
These are actual comments made by Texas Highway Patrol Troopers that were taken off their car videos:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.   They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."


4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?   Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going?   I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.   Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning!   You want a warning?   O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.   Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair?   You want me to be fair?   Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota.   Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore.   We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours.   So you know someone who can post your bail."


AND THE WINNER IS....


16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?   You're right, we don't.   Sign here."   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on June 28, 2011, 10:21:00 AM
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters



'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on June 28, 2011, 10:58:22 AM
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on June 29, 2011, 09:52:50 AM

The second was a well  mannered elderly woman from the South. 
When the conversation  centered on whether they had any children, the
California  woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my  husband
built a beautiful mansion for me." 
The lady from the  South commented, "Well, bless your heart." 
The first woman  continued, "When my second child was born, my husband
bought  me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz.. 
Again, the lady from  the South commented, "Well, bless your heart." 
The first woman  continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born,
my  husband bought me this exquisite diamond  bracelet. 
Yet again, the  Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart." 
The first woman then  asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for
you when  you had your first child?" 
"My husband sent me to  charm school," declared the Southern lady. 
"Charm school?" the  first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?" 
The Southern lady  responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who
gives a  shit?" I learned to say, "Well, bless your heart".. 


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 29, 2011, 12:24:58 PM

Traffic Control in Rural Kansas: ;D ;D
 


(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/misc/slowdown.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on June 29, 2011, 01:11:35 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4DT3tQqgRM (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4DT3tQqgRM)

Ok, it wasn't funny until I saw the number one comment.   ;D

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 29, 2011, 02:10:50 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4DT3tQqgRM (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4DT3tQqgRM)

Ok, it wasn't funny until I saw the number one comment.   ;D



So this guy is getting paranoid because "they" aren't tracking him.
No satisfying some people I guess.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 01, 2011, 12:13:47 PM
Two  prostitutes were riding around Drummond Island with a sign on top of their car which  said:

Two  Prostitutes - $50.00


Drummond Island's only policeman, seeing the sign,

stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:

 

JESUS  SAVES


 One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them?!'

'Well,  that's a little different,' the officer smiled, 'Their sign pertains to religion.'

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.
He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:
 

 

Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter --$50

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 01, 2011, 05:37:37 PM
THE DEAD COW LECTURE


First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two   important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body."

As an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked a them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my
middle finger and sucked on my index finger.  Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 01, 2011, 05:41:40 PM
We need to cut the email crap with all this Maxine shit and Obamacare crap and Travelogues etc.

What we need is to get back to what email was originally designed for...



(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/HotCars.jpg)

Sending pictures of Hot Cars!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 01, 2011, 06:08:22 PM
What car ?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on July 01, 2011, 10:02:34 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 02, 2011, 09:41:53 AM
There once was a man named Wiener
Who had a perverted demeanor.
He was forced from the Hill
For acting like Bill.
Now the Congress is one wiener leaner.
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 04, 2011, 05:27:33 PM
The Blonde Phone Call
 
 
"Hi Mom, How are you?"
 
"Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware"
 
"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call"
 
"What happened?"
 
"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."
 
"What on earth, why did you do that?"
 
"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."

(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/blonde.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 04, 2011, 05:31:00 PM
If you were around in 1919 and came upon the following poster..........

(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/LiquorLips.jpg)

I mean, seriously...wouldn't you just keep drinking?




Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on July 04, 2011, 05:37:19 PM
that or start drinking...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 04, 2011, 05:39:45 PM
that or start drinking...


HEAVILY!!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: BAC on July 04, 2011, 05:46:34 PM
The Blonde Phone Call
 
 
"Hi Mom, How are you?"
 
"Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware"
 
"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call"
 
"What happened?"
 
"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."
 
"What on earth, why did you do that?"
 
"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."

(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/blonde.gif)

Stealing that one immediately
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 05, 2011, 09:47:40 AM
(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/FoxNews.jpg)

FOX NEWS CHANNEL
TODAY REPORTED
THE LARGEST
POLICE BUST
IN FLORIDA HISTORY...


(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/PoliceBust.jpg)


Considering who posted this......................What the hell did you EXPECT?!?  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 05, 2011, 09:53:00 AM
From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher.

My five-year old students are learning to read.
Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,
"Look at this!  It's a frickin' elephant!"

I took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant!  It says so on the picture!"

And so it does...


(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/AFricken.jpg)

" A f r i c a n Elephant "


Hooked on phonics!  Ain't it wonderful?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: shooter32 on July 05, 2011, 09:55:16 AM
LOL, tt your at the top of your game this morning!  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 05, 2011, 10:15:29 AM
LOL, tt your at the top of your game this morning!  ;D

Thank you......thankyouverymuch!!  (Elvis impersonation.......hey, I've got the waistline for it!!)  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 05, 2011, 10:36:28 AM
(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/obamastagedevent.jpg)

(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/obamarobotics.jpg)

(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/obamaroaches.jpg)

(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/obamariedchickenwaterme.jpg)

(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/obamapledges.jpg)

(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/obamapelosibirthcertifi.jpg)

(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/obamahubirthcertificate.jpg)

(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/obamahalfwhite.jpg)

(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/obamadeathpanelsunemplo.jpg)

(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/obamacommonsense.jpg)

(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/obamabongshamrocks.jpg)

(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/obamaarabicread.jpg)

(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/michelleobamaproud.jpg)

(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/michelleobamaoldhonkies.jpg)

(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/hillaryclintonbinladenm.jpg)

(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/clintonsobama.jpg)

(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/barackobamapuppet.jpg)

(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/barackobamachip.jpg)

(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/rahmandnancy.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 05, 2011, 10:40:41 AM
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "hemorrhoids."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 05, 2011, 10:43:52 AM
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
       
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."




Ok, I'm done now.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on July 05, 2011, 11:06:06 AM
Thank you......thankyouverymuch!!  (Elvis impersonation.......hey, I've got the waistline for it!!)  ;D

Yeah....just leave the rhinestone-studded white jump-suit in the closet, will ya?   ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 05, 2011, 12:04:09 PM
Yeah....just leave the rhinestone-studded white jump-suit in the closet, will ya?   ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D


I said I had his physique, not his wardrobe.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fightingquaker13 on July 05, 2011, 12:11:10 PM

I said I had his physique, not his wardrobe.  ;D
Screw both of them. I want his bank account (I would have asked for his daughter as well, but she's got those Michael Jackson cooties all over her). ;D
FQ13
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 05, 2011, 12:14:33 PM
Screw both of them. I want his bank account (I would have asked for his daughter as well, but she's got those Michael Jackson cooties all over her). ;D
FQ13

Not unless she was a little boy. 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on July 05, 2011, 12:15:16 PM
Yeah right, Like he'd ever touch a girl  ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fightingquaker13 on July 05, 2011, 12:17:18 PM
Yeah right, Like he'd ever touch a girl  ::)
Those kids came from somewhere (maybe a turkey baster and a dixie cup), but they still are exhibt A. God help them.
FQ13
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on July 05, 2011, 12:18:48 PM
until I see the DNA report I'll stand by my statement. The kids look nothing like him or any in the family.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 05, 2011, 01:37:44 PM
Just cuz Prissy got preggers don't mean it was MJ who got her that way.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: GASPASSERDELUXE on July 05, 2011, 01:45:08 PM
This is good - a little vindictive . . . but good.
http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/2010-Camaro-SS-/170650112633?pt=US_Cars_Trucks&hash=item27bb8a1279#ht_6146wt_1021
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 05, 2011, 02:25:59 PM
This is good - a little vindictive . . . but good.
http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/2010-Camaro-SS-/170650112633?pt=US_Cars_Trucks&hash=item27bb8a1279#ht_6146wt_1021

Gee, wonder why THAT marriage ended?  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on July 05, 2011, 02:44:57 PM
THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD FOLKS:


A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited,

so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store

and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.

He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem -

how to carry his entire purchases home..

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady

who told him she was lost.

She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact,

my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.
Carry the bucket in one hand,

put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'


'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.

We'll be there in no time.'


The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said,

'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me..

How do I know that when we get in the alley

you won't hold me up against the wall,

pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'


The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady!

I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose.

How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'


The old lady replied,

'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket,

put the paint on top of the bucket,

and I'll hold the chickens.
_________________

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on July 05, 2011, 04:15:17 PM
Got two jokes for you:

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 06, 2011, 05:17:15 PM
You might have to think twice about this one.
 
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night

with the tip Of her index finger shot off.  'How did this happen?' the emergency Room doctor asked her.
 
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
 
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting Off your finger?'
 
'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, &
 Then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...
 
I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
 
'So then?' asked the doctor.
 
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000..00 To get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
 
'So then?'
 
'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a  Loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the Trigger.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on July 07, 2011, 12:25:15 PM
 ;)

They're fixin' to get riled up down here.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 09, 2011, 06:53:40 AM
;)

They're fixin' to get riled up down here.

You know the skeeters are big when you feel the rotor wash from their wings, and hear one ask another, "Should we eat him here or take him home?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 09, 2011, 09:50:59 AM
This  man had what he thought was the best tattoo in the world...

(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/tattoo.jpg)





Until he went  to  prison.




Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on July 09, 2011, 11:34:51 AM
Was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” Thinking back, I really should have legged it – but you don’t get offers like that every day.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fightingquaker13 on July 09, 2011, 11:51:02 AM
ROFL to both of you. ;D
FQ13
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 12, 2011, 09:11:53 PM
Police Stop at 1 a. m.
 
 
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Johnny Bravo on July 13, 2011, 08:55:14 PM
         

             

            Brilliant in its simplicity ...

             

             

             A. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.

             

            B. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.

             

            C. Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.

             

            D. In three generations, there will be no Democrats.

             

            Damn - I love it when a plan comes together!!!

             
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 14, 2011, 09:23:47 AM
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.  Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.  He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.   Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath.  With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. " But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment,  and the therapist suggested I do "somethin' sexy to a tractor'.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on July 15, 2011, 10:09:35 AM
NSFW - language warning

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steyr M40A1 on July 15, 2011, 09:27:09 PM
What was that? A bird, deer, or what?


Edit:
OH, I read the comments on YouTube and still cant really see it but its funny!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on July 15, 2011, 09:30:15 PM
I couldn't tell, either.  

Whatever it was, being upside down at a high rate of speed is not a favorable position.  

And, I must admit, I speak for some experience.  I REALLY didn't like it.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on July 16, 2011, 06:24:04 AM
Its the weekend you can have a laugh now....


In the beginning..............

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and barbies. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the second Day.
On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.
On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.
On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.
On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.
On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.
On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good. well almost good. God saw that the blokes were tired and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean the barbie. God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was bloody great! IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!

------

Two drovers standing in a bar. One asked, "What are you up to?" "Ahh. I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie." "Oh yeah . . and what route are you takin'?" "Ah, prob'ly the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."

------

Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, "F##k that!" Knowing my luck, I'd win one!

------

What"s the difference between a refugee and ET?

ET looked better, smelled better, learnt English, didn't claim benefits, had his own f@$king bike and wanted to go home!

-------

Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while?  My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock.  It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on July 16, 2011, 07:44:43 AM
Its the weekend you can have a laugh now....

Two drovers standing in a bar. One asked, "What are you up to?" "Ahh. I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie." "Oh yeah . . and what route are you takin'?" "Ah, prob'ly the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."
 

I think I need a translation in this one?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on July 16, 2011, 09:42:20 AM
I think I need a translation in this one?

I dunno I though you guys spoke english LOL

Two ranchers standing in a bar. One asked, "What are you up to?" "Ahh. I'm takin' a herd of 6000 from Dallas to Fortworth." "Oh yeah . . and what route are you takin'?" "Ah, prob'ly the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."


Root is another word for having a bonk, a screw, sex, intercourse, doing the deed, horizontal tango etc. So when he says what route your taking (ie which way are you travelling to get there), the other guy thought he meant what woman are you taking to have sex with.


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on July 16, 2011, 10:10:41 AM
I dunno I though you guys spoke english LOL

Two ranchers standing in a bar. One asked, "What are you up to?" "Ahh. I'm takin' a herd of 6000 from Dallas to Fortworth." "Oh yeah . . and what route are you takin'?" "Ah, prob'ly the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."


Root is another word for having a bonk, a screw, sex, intercourse, doing the deed, horizontal tango etc. So when he says what route your taking (ie which way are you travelling to get there), the other guy thought he meant what woman are you taking to have sex with.




Ahhh...thanks...it was the root that I didn't know....   I was pretty sure I deciphered the rest of it...but wasn't sure cause you never can be what with yous involved  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on July 16, 2011, 10:34:58 AM
I dunno I though you guys spoke english LOL

Two ranchers standing in a bar. One asked, "What are you up to?" "Ahh. I'm takin' a herd of 6000 from Dallas to Fortworth "Galveston"." "Oh yeah . . and what route are you takin'?" "Ah, prob'ly the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."


Root is another word for having a bonk, a screw, sex, intercourse, doing the deed, horizontal tango etc. So when he says what route your taking (ie which way are you travelling to get there), the other guy thought he meant what woman are you taking to have sex with.

Thanks for the translation. We do speak English here, not sure what form of dialect you blokes speak tho!  ;D

I also updated your travel destination to keep it more in tune with the actual distance traveled with those 2 Aussie cities, and the fact that Gympie is near the coast.

Am I over-analyzing the joke? ? ? ? ? ? ?  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on July 16, 2011, 12:25:30 PM
Thanks for the translation. We do speak English here, not sure what form of dialect you blokes speak tho!  ;D

I also updated your travel destination to keep it more in tune with the actual distance traveled with those 2 Aussie cities, and the fact that Gympie is near the coast.

Am I over-analyzing the joke? ? ? ? ? ? ?  ;)

You won't hear me say much about over analyzing  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 17, 2011, 06:31:18 AM
When Osama Bin Laden was killed, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama Bin Laden with a long cane and snarled "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist Leader.

Osama Bin Laden lay bleeding and in pain when an Angel appeared. Osama Bin Laden wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 19, 2011, 09:36:51 AM
Employee Notice

        Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in
the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put
workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory
retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

        This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

        Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be
considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced
Termination).

        Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the
SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

        A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many
times as Congress deems appropriate.

        Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired
Personnel Early Severance).

        Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or
SCREWED any further by Congress.

        Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much
SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.  Members of
Congress have always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they
give our citizens.

        Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring
this to the attention of your Congressional representative, who
has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

        Sincerely,

        Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

        P.S. Due to current debt, recent overspending, proposed budget
cuts, and the rising price of gas, oil, and electricity, as well
as dismal market forecasts, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has
been turned off.


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the balls, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what did he do?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He
eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the
stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again 
sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your
monkey did now?"

No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to crap that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on July 19, 2011, 09:52:43 AM
At the Mustang show last night:

(http://i703.photobucket.com/albums/ww40/BigCheeseStick/01311037265776000001847285_0.jpg?t=1311086773)

First thing I thought of is "The Bufford Pusser Special"!   ;D

(http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2202/1841267715_2b575531c5_o.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on July 21, 2011, 08:22:07 AM
Subject: Coffee and Testicles... (dc)

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my
testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points
for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00
pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am
every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00
pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two
hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No
point in you coming in for that."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on July 21, 2011, 08:26:21 AM

Fitting that in his return after going AWOL, phil would chose the joke thread to be found on  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: BAC on July 21, 2011, 01:05:04 PM
A 911 operator received a call from a duck hunter. It seemed his hunting companion died from a heart attack. The operator said, "Sir, we can handle this. First, make sure he is dead." The operator then heard a gunshot and the man on the line said, "Ok, he's definitely dead. Now what?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on July 21, 2011, 08:43:14 PM
Two bats are hanging out together on the roof of a cave.

The first bat says, "You know what I fear most about growing old?"

"No, buddy.  What's your big fear?" asks the second bat.

"Incontinence," he replies.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 22, 2011, 09:48:53 AM
Ole and Lena were out walking and Lena clutched her heart and fell to the sidewalk. Ole got out his cell phone and called 9-1-1.
The Operator said "Where are you?"
Ole answered, "We were walking and Lena is on the sidewalk on Eucalyptus Street ."
The operator asked, "How do you spell that?"
The phone seemed to go dead. The operator kept shouting for Ole. She could hear him panting. He finally came back on line and
said, "I dragged her over to Oak Street , that's O-A-K."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Norwegian hunters from North Dakota got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However,
even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after takeoff. Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other, "Any idea where we
are?" "Yaaah, I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."
----------------------------------------------------------------
Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo ?"
"Yust a minute," said the busy clerk.
"Vell," said Lena , "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll yust take da bus."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena , who had charged nonsupport. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400
a month for support." "Vell, dat's fine, Judge," smiled Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lars, the bartender, asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norwegian and a canoe?"
"No, I don't," answered Ole. "A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, "Vell, Deere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are working."
Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No.."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Bismarck when Ole put his hand on Lena 's knee. Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to."
So Ole drove to Fargo.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole. Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died.'"
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, asked, "That's it? Just 'Ole died.'? Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more." So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put, Ole died. Boat for sale"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch.
Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel. "Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly. "No," replied Lars. "Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed, "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday.  A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it "Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet." "How come?" asked Lars. "Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't sing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?" Ole replied, "No, I'm Norvegian and my name ain't Valter."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And dot's enough!
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 22, 2011, 09:51:15 AM
(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/trust.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on July 22, 2011, 10:09:48 AM
Two Norwegian hunters from North Dakota got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However,
even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after takeoff. Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other, "Any idea where we
are?" "Yaaah, I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."

OK, Tom, wanna play that game, huh?

Why do they only have astroturf on the football fields in Iowa?










So the cheerleaders won't graze.    ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on July 22, 2011, 10:24:47 PM
A major political question looms: If Russia attacked Turkey from the rear, do you think Greece would help?

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 22, 2011, 11:18:02 PM
You're a bad person Major,  ;D
During the Balkan wars they always jumped in on the Russian side, but they were occupied by Turkey then.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on July 23, 2011, 06:25:13 AM
(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/trust.jpg)


these are words to live by

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.  It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.  Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

(http://i758.photobucket.com/albums/xx227/dillybear_bucket/harold.jpg)

THIS IS QUOTED FROM HAROLD:

I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'

Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whiskey into urine.  It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling.  I do it every day and I really enjoy it."

 

 

Harold should be an inspiration to us all.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on July 23, 2011, 09:07:10 AM
A successful attorney parked his brand new Buggatti in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Buggatti, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer.

"My Rolex!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: GASPASSERDELUXE on July 23, 2011, 07:35:10 PM


Subject: Fwd: Not too good!!





A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to
go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.
In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to
ejaculate, try startling yourself."


That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol.
All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he
found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting.


As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man,
moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter
pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor.


The doctor asked, "How did it go?"


The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife shit on
my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbour came out of the closet
with his hands in the air."

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on July 24, 2011, 07:06:54 PM
(http://www.lucianne.com/images/lucianne/DailyPhoto/2011-07-24.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on July 25, 2011, 06:25:32 PM
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian) an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

The maître d' scrutinizes the group one by one and bars their entrance, saying, "Sorry - you can't come in here without a Thai."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on July 26, 2011, 03:25:42 PM
The sign below is an actual sign hanging on a main thoroughfare in our town......... I thought if you crop the top and bottom lines, it would be perfect to hang in DC......


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on July 26, 2011, 03:31:27 PM
Dakotaranger posted the following video on FB of BHO's latest speech.

Enjoy (and I don't even think he's using a teleprompter either!)   ;D



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 26, 2011, 07:23:03 PM
This Just In…


Playboy reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue.  Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic.

In other news . . .   Surely we all remember when KFC offered a "Hillary Meal," consisting of two small breasts and two large thighs.  Now, they're offering the "Obama Bucket."  It contains nothing but left wings and chicken shit.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: GASPASSERDELUXE on July 26, 2011, 07:47:49 PM

A doctor from  Israel  says: "In  Israel  the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."

The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in  Germany  we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In  Russia  we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The U.S. doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA (about 2 years ago) we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now....... the whole country is looking for work !!!!!!"
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: FSBARAK on July 26, 2011, 11:09:35 PM
5 things to remember:

1. Money cannot buy happiness but...somehow, its more comfortable
to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard's name.

3. Help a man when he is in trouble & he will remember you when
he is in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I called my stockbroker and asked him what I should be buying. He
said, "If the current administration is in office much longer,
canned goods and ammunition is your best bet."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 27, 2011, 01:03:59 AM
5 things to remember:

1. Money cannot buy happiness but...somehow, its more comfortable
to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard's name.

3. Help a man when he is in trouble & he will remember you when
he is in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I called my stockbroker and asked him what I should be buying. He
said, "If the current administration is in office much longer,
canned goods and ammunition is your best bet."

Back in the late 80' or early 90's John Stossel did an investigative report on just that. His findings were that for people making less than $50,000/Yr (in 1990 $ ) a large influx of money could in fact lead to a lasting improvement in their lives, in effect, buying happiness.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: FSBARAK on July 27, 2011, 08:23:08 AM
Back in the late 80' or early 90's John Stossel did an investigative report on just that. His findings were that for people making less than $50,000/Yr (in 1990 $ ) a large influx of money could in fact lead to a lasting improvement in their lives, in effect, buying happiness.

I'd be willing to test that theory.  :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: GASPASSERDELUXE on July 27, 2011, 01:40:50 PM
Mule Trading
 

 
 
Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily
News in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for
$100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule
the next day.
 
The next morning the farmer drove up and said,
"Sorry, fellas, I have some bad news, the mule
died last night." Curtis & Leroy replied, Well,
then just give us our money back."
 
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and
spent it already." They said, "OK then, just
bring us the dead mule."
 
The farmer asked, "What ya'll gonna do with a
dead mule?" Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him
off."
 
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead
mule!" Leroy said, "We shore can!  Heck, we
don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
 
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into
Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery
store and asked. "What'd you fellers ever do
with that dead mule?"
 
They said,"We raffled him off like we said we
wuz gonna do." Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold
500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a
profit of $898."

The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone
complain?" Curtis said, "Well, the feller who
won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars
back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
They're overseeing the Bailout & Stimulus
Programs.
 

Limit all US politicians to two Terms.
One in office - One in prison

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fightingquaker13 on July 27, 2011, 02:36:54 PM
Now that is a classic! Southern politics in a nutshell.ROFL and weeping. It hits way to close to home here in florida. ;D
FQ13
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 27, 2011, 04:03:27 PM
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 27, 2011, 05:39:10 PM
Love a good Catholic joke .....

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a
construction site noticed the coarse language of
the workers and decided to spend some time with them
to correct their ways.

 She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the
workers; and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked
over to the spot where the men were eating.

Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group
and asked: "And do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other
very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks
and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"

The worker yelled back, "Cause his wife's here with his lunch."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 27, 2011, 09:30:12 PM
To  Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1.   In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.'
2. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
3.   Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'. 
4.   Sing Along At The Opera. 
5.   Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend
Their Party Because You have a headache.
6.   When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot,
Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
7.   Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy,
We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity:
           
8.   PICK UP A BOX  OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY,
GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE  FITTING ROOM   IS.   
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on July 28, 2011, 03:45:14 AM
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While
suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the
aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.
 
 
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and
with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he
crawled downstairs.
 
 
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into
the kitchen.  Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought
himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen
table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
 
 
Was it heaven?  Or was it one final act of love from his devoted
Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a
happy man?
 
 
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand
trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was
suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon.......
 
 
'f..k off!' she said. 'Those are for the funeral!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on July 28, 2011, 07:20:46 AM


Isn't this s'posed to be a joke thread?  That one right there made me tear up.  Really not at all funny.  They're messin' with MY grand babies' future.

Crusader
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ratcatcher55 on July 28, 2011, 09:11:58 AM
Priest's Retirement Dinner

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in
the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen
to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few
words while they waited, 'I got my first impression of the parish from
the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a
terrible place.

The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had
stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able
to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents,
embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss' wife, taken
illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled! But as the
days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I
had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
apologies at being late.  He immediately began to make the
presentation and gave his talk, 'I'll never forget the first day our
parish Priest arrived,' said the politician.

'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for
confession.'

Moral: Never,  Never,  Never Be Late

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 28, 2011, 10:57:11 AM
To  Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1.   In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.'
2. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
3.   Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'. 
4.   Sing Along At The Opera. 
5.   Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend
Their Party Because You have a headache.
6.   When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot,
Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
7.   Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy,
We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity:
           
8.   PICK UP A BOX  OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY,
GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE  FITTING ROOM   IS.   



9.  Next time you're in WalMart, take the "try me" sticker off the plush toys and put them boxes of condoms.

;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 28, 2011, 08:05:03 PM
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son...
He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face...
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly...After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word..

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

"No" the woman replied. "I'm with the IRS ".
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ratcatcher55 on July 29, 2011, 09:43:04 AM
A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college.   Half way through the semester, having foolishly
squandered all his money .... he calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education
is developing! They actually have a program here in Bryan that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says "and I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results
they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was
in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".

"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives
down the street?"

The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying dog before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.

 

 



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on July 29, 2011, 04:12:12 PM
At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."



"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"



"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead.”



"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"



"Si, Senor, that's the one."



"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"



"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."



"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"



"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."



"Dead horse? What dead horse?"



"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."



"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"



"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."



"Are you insane? What water cart?"



"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."



"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"



"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."



"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"



"Yes, Senor Rod."



"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"



"For the funeral, Senor Rod."



"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"



"Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Skeet Special with the custom Wenig Exhibition Grade Stock. "



SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE...............



"Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun, you're in deep $#*T."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on July 29, 2011, 04:58:35 PM
My US House Rep just put this photo on his FB page before heading for the next vote.......  

Title: Banned Skittles Advert - no idea why
Post by: sledgemeister on July 30, 2011, 03:15:23 AM
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on July 31, 2011, 06:08:07 PM
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on August 01, 2011, 09:19:11 AM
Ponderisms
 

Can you cry under water?

 

Why do they say naked as a Jay Bird.  They aren't naked, they have feathers.

 

HOW IMPORTANT DOES A PERSON HAVE TO BE BEFORE THEY ARE CONSIDERED

ASSASSINATED INSTEAD OF JUST MURDERED?

 

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO "PUT YOUR TWO CENTS IN"..BUT IT'S ONLY A

"PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS?"  WHERE'S THAT EXTRA PENNY GOING TO?

 

ONCE YOU'RE IN HEAVEN, DO YOU GET STUCK WEARING THE CLOTHES

YOU WERE BURIED IN FOR ETERNITY?

 

WHY DOES A ROUND PIZZA COME IN A SQUARE BOX?

 

WHAT DISEASE DID CURED HAM ACTUALLY HAVE?

 

HOW IS IT THAT WE PUT MAN ON THE MOON BEFORE WE FIGURED OUT IT

WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO PUT WHEELS ON LUGGAGE?

 

WHY IS IT THAT PEOPLE SAY THEY "SLEPT LIKE A BABY" WHEN BABIES

WAKE UP LIKE EVERY TWO HOURS?

 

IF A DEAF PERSON HAS TO GO TO COURT, IS IT STILL CALLED A HEARING?

 

WHY ARE YOU "IN" A MOVIE, BUT YOU'RE "ON" TV?

 

WHY DO PEOPLE PAY TO GO UP TALL BUILDINGS AND THEN PUT MONEY IN

BINOCULARS TO LOOK AT THINGS ON THE GROUND?

 

WHY DO DOCTORS LEAVE THE ROOM WHILE YOU CHANGE?

THEY'RE GOING TO SEE YOU NAKED ANYWAY.

 

WHY IS "BRA" SINGULAR AND "PANTIES" PLURAL?

 

WHY DO TOASTERS ALWAYS HAVE A SETTING THAT BURNS THE TOAST TO

A HORRIBLE CRISP, WHICH NO DECENT HUMAN BEING WOULD EAT?

 

IF JIMMY CRACKS CORN AND NO ONE CARES, WHY IS THERE A STUPID SONG ABOUT HIM?

 

CAN A HEARSE CARRYING A CORPSE DRIVE IN THE CARPOOL LANE?

 

IF THE PROFESSOR ON GILLIGAN'S ISLAND CAN MAKE A RADIO OUT OF A COCONUT,

WHY CAN'T HE FIX A HOLE IN A BOAT?

 

WHY DOES GOOFY STAND ERECT WHILE PLUTO REMAINS ON ALL FOURS?  THEY ARE BOTH DOGS!

 

IF WILE E. COYOTE HAD ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY ALL THAT ACME CRAP,

WHY DIDN'T HE JUST BUY DINNER?

 

IF CORN OIL IS MADE FROM CORN AND VEGETABLE OIL IS MADE FROM VEGETABLES,

WHY IS BABY OIL MADE FROM?

 

IF ELECTRICITY COMES FROM ELECTRONS, DOES MORALITY COME FROM MORONS?

 

DO THE ALPHABET SONG AND TWINKLE, TWINKLE LITTLE STAR HAVE THE SAME TUNE?

 

WHY DID YOU JUST TRY SINGING THE TWO SONGS ABOVE?

 

WHY DO THEY CALL IT AN ASTEROID WHEN IT'S OUTSIDE THE HEMISPHERE,

BUT CALL IT A HEMORRHOID WHEN IT'S IN YOUR BUTT?

 

DID YOU EVER NOTICE THAT WHEN YOU BLOW IN A DOG'S FACE,

HE GETS MAD AT YOU, BUT WHEN YOU TAKE HIM FOR A CAR RIDE,

HE STICKS HIS HEAD OUT THE WINDOW?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 01, 2011, 05:36:53 PM
Ponderisms
 

Can you cry under water?

 

Why do they say naked as a Jay Bird.  They aren't naked, they have feathers.

 

HOW IMPORTANT DOES A PERSON HAVE TO BE BEFORE THEY ARE CONSIDERED

ASSASSINATED INSTEAD OF JUST MURDERED?

 

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO "PUT YOUR TWO CENTS IN"..BUT IT'S ONLY A

"PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS?"  WHERE'S THAT EXTRA PENNY GOING TO?

 

ONCE YOU'RE IN HEAVEN, DO YOU GET STUCK WEARING THE CLOTHES

YOU WERE BURIED IN FOR ETERNITY?

 

WHY DOES A ROUND PIZZA COME IN A SQUARE BOX?

 

WHAT DISEASE DID CURED HAM ACTUALLY HAVE?

 

HOW IS IT THAT WE PUT MAN ON THE MOON BEFORE WE FIGURED OUT IT

WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO PUT WHEELS ON LUGGAGE?

 

WHY IS IT THAT PEOPLE SAY THEY "SLEPT LIKE A BABY" WHEN BABIES

WAKE UP LIKE EVERY TWO HOURS?

 

IF A DEAF PERSON HAS TO GO TO COURT, IS IT STILL CALLED A HEARING?

 

WHY ARE YOU "IN" A MOVIE, BUT YOU'RE "ON" TV?

 

WHY DO PEOPLE PAY TO GO UP TALL BUILDINGS AND THEN PUT MONEY IN

BINOCULARS TO LOOK AT THINGS ON THE GROUND?

 

WHY DO DOCTORS LEAVE THE ROOM WHILE YOU CHANGE?

THEY'RE GOING TO SEE YOU NAKED ANYWAY.

 

WHY IS "BRA" SINGULAR AND "PANTIES" PLURAL?

 

WHY DO TOASTERS ALWAYS HAVE A SETTING THAT BURNS THE TOAST TO

A HORRIBLE CRISP, WHICH NO DECENT HUMAN BEING WOULD EAT?

 

IF JIMMY CRACKS CORN AND NO ONE CARES, WHY IS THERE A STUPID SONG ABOUT HIM?

 

CAN A HEARSE CARRYING A CORPSE DRIVE IN THE CARPOOL LANE?

 

IF THE PROFESSOR ON GILLIGAN'S ISLAND CAN MAKE A RADIO OUT OF A COCONUT,

WHY CAN'T HE FIX A HOLE IN A BOAT?

 

WHY DOES GOOFY STAND ERECT WHILE PLUTO REMAINS ON ALL FOURS?  THEY ARE BOTH DOGS!

 

IF WILE E. COYOTE HAD ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY ALL THAT ACME CRAP,

WHY DIDN'T HE JUST BUY DINNER?

 

IF CORN OIL IS MADE FROM CORN AND VEGETABLE OIL IS MADE FROM VEGETABLES,

WHY IS BABY OIL MADE FROM?

 

IF ELECTRICITY COMES FROM ELECTRONS, DOES MORALITY COME FROM MORONS?

 

DO THE ALPHABET SONG AND TWINKLE, TWINKLE LITTLE STAR HAVE THE SAME TUNE?

 

WHY DID YOU JUST TRY SINGING THE TWO SONGS ABOVE?

 

WHY DO THEY CALL IT AN ASTEROID WHEN IT'S OUTSIDE THE HEMISPHERE,

BUT CALL IT A HEMORRHOID WHEN IT'S IN YOUR BUTT?

 

DID YOU EVER NOTICE THAT WHEN YOU BLOW IN A DOG'S FACE,

HE GETS MAD AT YOU, BUT WHEN YOU TAKE HIM FOR A CAR RIDE,

HE STICKS HIS HEAD OUT THE WINDOW?



I wonder if infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

When you choke a Smurf, what color does he turn?

Why are there braille instructions on a drive-up ATM?

Why are there locks on the doors of 24-hour convenience stores?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on August 01, 2011, 06:33:24 PM
Why do you drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on August 01, 2011, 08:55:21 PM
Bubba and Johnny Ray were sittin' on the front porch drinking beer
when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by.
"I'm gonna do dat when I win the lottery," said Bubba.
"Do what?" asked Johnny Ray.
"Send my grass out to be mowed."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ichiban on August 01, 2011, 09:06:32 PM
I don't care, I think it's funny.



An old farmer is driving down a country road in his pickup truck when it starts making an awful noise. He stops the truck and crawls underneath to investigate the problem. "Hmmm...muffler's loose. I bet I could fix that if I had a Monkey Wrench." He says. He crawls out from underneath the truck and looks down the road. Off in the distance he sees a small house. There is a black woman and several small black children playing in the yard.

The Farmer yells to her "Hey Miss, do you happen to have Monkey Wrench?"

"What?" She yells back."What?"

"MONKEY WRENCH!!?...MONKEY WRENCH!!?"

"Naw, this ain't no Monkey Ranch, its a Day Care Center!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on August 01, 2011, 10:05:35 PM
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on August 01, 2011, 10:09:21 PM
Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns
 
Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping
through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic
 
Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a b*tch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic
 
 
Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada
 
 
Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just
saying...
Sincerely,
Google
 
 
 
Dear 2011,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF
happened?!
Sincerely,
1985
 
 
 
Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP
 
Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God
 
 
Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely, Stevie Wonder
 
 
Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely, Black people
 
 
Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely, Sarah Palin
 
 
 
Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely, Parents Everywhere
 
 
Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely, Superman
 
 
Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies
 
 
Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol
 
 
Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there because some
Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans
 
 
 
Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans
 
 
Dear iPhone,
Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words. You
piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User
 
 
Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore
 
 
Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on August 03, 2011, 02:11:12 PM
MY  PRIVATE PART DIED

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse  Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.
'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences..'
The  following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.   

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.  Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

(You've gotta love this.)
 

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'



 

 

 

 



 
 

 

 

 

 

 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: GASPASSERDELUXE on August 03, 2011, 06:52:44 PM
 

Apparently I was wrong!   

 

 At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point.  The question was, “where do women mostly have curly hair?” Apparently, the correct answer was Africa.
 
One of the other questions was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.
 
I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
 
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.
 
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
 
A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said "Her brother's got a mustache."
 
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook.
I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!"
Next thing I know 4,000 f....g Muslims have added me as a friend!!
 
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.   
 
The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
 

 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: 1911 Junkie on August 03, 2011, 07:11:28 PM
That just made me laugh for the first time today. Thanks.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on August 03, 2011, 09:04:24 PM
Apparently I was wrong!   

Stolen faster than a politcian can lie!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on August 04, 2011, 05:04:03 PM
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend
when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window.  My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain
is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street
in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope . . . Just when it's raining
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steyr M40A1 on August 04, 2011, 08:46:01 PM
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steyr M40A1 on August 04, 2011, 08:46:38 PM
A young boy sits on the toilet with a bad case of diarrhea, and whimpers to his mom, "mommy can you give me some viagra?" His mother replies, "why on earth would you want that?" The little boy replies, "isn't that what you give daddy when his shit won't get hard?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 05, 2011, 06:12:07 AM
A young boy sits on the toilet with a bad case of diarrhea, and whimpers to his mom, "mommy can you give me some viagra?" His mother replies, "why on earth would you want that?" The little boy replies, "isn't that what you give daddy when his shit won't get hard?"


DUDE!!  You owe me a keyboard!!   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 05, 2011, 01:59:22 PM
Willie was sittin' on the fence near the train tracks.
His momma leaned out the back door of the house and yelled, "Willie, get down off that fence before a train comes by and sucks you right off!!"
Willie unzips his pants and yells, "Come on train!!"

 :-\
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 05, 2011, 05:25:47 PM
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."  Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right  rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear. "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."


 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 05, 2011, 05:28:28 PM
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

'If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........Twice a day.
2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.


3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.�

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.�

I love the next one!!!�

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.�

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.�

PS - I 'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on August 06, 2011, 08:40:57 AM
Polish immigrant went to the Transport Dept to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 06, 2011, 09:14:14 AM
TRUE  AMERICAN
 
 
 
 It  is time to change from REDNECK humor  to 
 TRUE  AMERICAN  Humor!

Only  it isn't seen as HUMOR, 
 but  the correct way to LIVE YOUR LIFE! 
 
Y'all  know who they are... 
 


You  might be a TRUE  AMERICAN  if:
It  never occurred to you to be offended by the  phrase, 
 'One  nation, under God.'

You might be a  TRUE  AMERICAN  if:
You've  never protested about seeing the 
 10  Commandments posted in  public places.

You might be a  TRUE  AMERICAN  if:
You  still say 
 'Christmas'  instead of 'Winter Festival.'

You might be a  TRUE  AMERICAN  if:
You  bow your head when someone prays.

You might  be a TRUE  AMERICAN  if:
You  stand and place your hand over your heart 
 when  they play the National Anthem.

You might be  a TRUE  AMERICAN  if:
You  treat VietNam vets with great respect, 
 and  always have.

You might be a  TRUE  AMERICAN  if:
You've  never burned an American flag.

You might be  a TRUE  AMERICAN  if:
You  know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say  so, 
 no  matter who is listening.

You might be a  TRUE  AMERICAN  if:
You  respect your elders 
 and  expect your kids to do the same.

 AND  YOU ARE A TRUE  AMERICAN 
 IF  YOU THINK 
 THE  NATIONAL ANTHEM 
 SHOULD  ONLY BE SUNG 
 IN  ENGLISH! 
 
In God We Trust
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: bulldog75 on August 06, 2011, 11:41:55 AM
Amen Brother.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on August 06, 2011, 12:25:43 PM
I fail at this one

Quote
You might be a  TRUE  AMERICAN  if:
You've  never burned an American flag.


I've burned dozens, all during retirment ceremonys.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on August 06, 2011, 12:39:02 PM
Thankfully that is not the only criteria for being a True American....and even leaves out some of the most important.

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on August 06, 2011, 01:18:54 PM
(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Lg3b3bDTfwE/SaGtVOe7DSI/AAAAAAAAADg/s2yCCoEZr3o/s400/legs%252525252Bwashing%252525252Bhands.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on August 06, 2011, 02:55:13 PM
Two medical students were walking along the street
when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poo r old man

has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so.
The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.
They approached him and one of the students said to him,

"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you
walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?"   

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
 
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."   
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."   
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."   
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
 
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"   

The old man said,

"I thought it was gas - but I was wrong, too!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: GASPASSERDELUXE on August 06, 2011, 05:54:17 PM
One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said .. . . . .


(This is priceless...)


"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 07, 2011, 11:54:21 AM
(http://l.yimg.com/bt/api/res/1.2/bJci_VMlmjYhfAoPyOPjgQ--/YXBwaWQ9eW5ld3M7Zmk9aW5zZXQ7aD0zNTU7cT04NTt3PTYyMw--/http://media.zenfs.com/208/2011/07/22/009AdjustedSign_010512.jpg)

Hackers in Union County, North Carolina used a Department of Transportation traffic sign to display their own message. (Photo: WSOCTV.com)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 07, 2011, 12:10:23 PM
She smiles and they start kissing............

When things began to heat up little, Marie says, "Philippe, kiss me lower."

Philippe tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her chest.

The bewildered Marie' asks "Philippe! What are you doing?"

"I am Philippe the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Philippe, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her panties, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river, standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PHILIPPE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our hero stands up, grins defiantly, and says, "I am Philippe the fighter pilot! And when I go down, I go down in flames!"

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Badgersmilk on August 07, 2011, 12:46:14 PM
I thought it was funny anyway.   ;)

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/cutline/fox-news-website-calls-obama-birthday-party-hip-214154301.html (http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/cutline/fox-news-website-calls-obama-birthday-party-hip-214154301.html)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steve Cover on August 07, 2011, 02:39:07 PM
http://www.wimp.com/disappearingprank/
 
What more needs to be said
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on August 07, 2011, 11:50:31 PM
I thought it was funny anyway.   ;)

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/cutline/fox-news-website-calls-obama-birthday-party-hip-214154301.html (http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/cutline/fox-news-website-calls-obama-birthday-party-hip-214154301.html)


Rolfmao calls of racism what a croc.

Just cos a (http://cumbiamasflow.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/nigga-fortaleza-300x200.jpg) got down, with his peeps in the crib, damn there goes the hood, he gonna get ghetto on ya ass now fox news!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 08, 2011, 10:45:18 AM
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy ,
went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man
said:

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from
the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have
no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual
favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,
you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.


However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one
more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on August 08, 2011, 02:43:14 PM
Six Truths in Life:




1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, a physical impossibility due to the tendons within your neck.





2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.





3. And discover #1 is a lie.




4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.




5. You soon will share this with another idiot.



6. There is still a stupid smile on your face. I sincerely apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: JC5123 on August 08, 2011, 05:09:34 PM
Six Truths in Life:




1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, a physical impossibility due to the tendons within your neck.





2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.





3. And discover #1 is a lie.




4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.




5. You soon will share this with another idiot.



6. There is still a stupid smile on your face. I sincerely apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company!



You'll always have FQ.    ;D ;D ;D

Disclaimer: Be careful what you post because there is always an asshole with a comment.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on August 08, 2011, 09:53:57 PM
5 pearls of Scottish wisdom to remember.

1. Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, it's more comfortable to
cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastards name.

3. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he
is in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on August 10, 2011, 10:20:43 AM
This will appeal to those with a warped sense of humour - ie Miss T

so three midgets go into a bar...........

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on August 10, 2011, 10:26:04 AM
Yes you may cringe while reading some of these......


Quote
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

________________________ ________________________ __
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
________________________ ________________________ __

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

Aepends how much you've been drinking.
________________________ ________________________ __

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A : Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
________________________ ________________________ __

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them inBrisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?
________________________ ________________________ __

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
________________________ ________________________ __

Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
________________________ ________________________ _

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
________________________ ________________________ __

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
________________________ ________________________ __

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
________________________ ________________________ __

Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A : No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
________________________ ________________________ __

Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
________________________ ________________________ __

Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
________________________ ________________________ __

Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it inAustralia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
________________________ ________________________ __

Qo you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A : Only at Christmas.
________________________ ________________________ __

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on August 10, 2011, 10:37:54 AM
This will appeal to those with a warped sense of humour - ie Miss T

so three midgets go into a bar...........



OK, that is just so wrong on sooooo many levels.



But damn, it was funny!!! I just about lost it when the cops showed up!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on August 10, 2011, 09:26:38 PM
Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this
prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss: Yes.
Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
Boss : A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the
right time.
Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current
economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also
take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this
company for over a decade.
Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to
start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra
five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!
Boss : Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after
you?
Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and
the Mortgage Company!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on August 12, 2011, 12:12:47 PM
Its offensive Friday Jokes

I have an aborigine friend, his name is Jim
I like throwing tomatoes at him
Tomatoes are soft and don't hurt the skin
but these fuckers do coz they're still in the tin


whats the difference between pimples and a priest?
Nothing they both come on your face at the age of 13


Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.             
They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement..it was a mortar attack.

An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including  cocaine, heroin and ecstasy have been found behind the Job Centre in       
Liverpool.                                                                 
The locals are said to be in a state of shock........
They had no f**king  idea they had a job centre! 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: FSBARAK on August 16, 2011, 04:01:38 PM
(http://i165.photobucket.com/albums/u79/Kills-With-Fire/sweetheart.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on August 17, 2011, 01:50:23 PM



A little empathy


I was sitting at a traffic light yesterday next to a carload of Muslims when a big semi-trailer drove right over the top of their car! Flattened it!

Wow!" I thought, "That could've been me"...





... So I went and got a Commercial Driver's License.





 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on August 19, 2011, 01:12:26 PM
(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3AdeS0TdIfA/Tdq3tbhlT2I/AAAAAAAAC-8/nDjfWTyKbtM/s640/Bottoms%2BUp.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 20, 2011, 12:58:43 PM
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

 

She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier; just make several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

 

She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together--It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her".

 

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

 

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

 

"Yes", answered the Instructor.

 

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

 

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on August 20, 2011, 10:09:04 PM
Obama fans...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: JC5123 on August 22, 2011, 12:24:40 PM
Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test.

It's called the Triple Filter Test."

Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about
to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is
what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued,
"You may still pass the third test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, I'm not sure really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 22, 2011, 05:34:26 PM
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say.  "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me." 

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! ......... But enough about me, how's your day going?"
 
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on August 22, 2011, 06:38:19 PM
Crossing the River

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed, “God, please give me the strength to cross the river.”
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed, “God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.”
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, “God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river “
Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 23, 2011, 11:29:07 AM
Crossing the River

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed, “God, please give me the strength to cross the river.”
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed, “God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.”
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, “God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river “
Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge




That joke is EXTREMELY sexist!!!   (and damned funny!)  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 23, 2011, 11:29:38 AM
A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students. She says,"Human beings are the only animals that stutter."
A little girl raises her hand saying, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered." The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked
the girl to describe the incident.
"Well,'' she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped
over the fence into our yard!" The teacher exclaimed, "That must've been scary," The little girl said, "It sure was. My kitty raised her back, went 'Sssss,
Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Shit,' the Rottweiler ate her!" The teacher had to leave the room.

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 23, 2011, 09:42:00 PM
A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm that includes the villa, the tractor, other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash."

The granddaughter, about to be rich, says, "Oh my, granny, you are so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"

With her last breath, the granny whispered... "Facebook..."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 23, 2011, 09:42:48 PM
The latest poll shows that 85% of Americans think the federal government is corrupt.
The other 15% work for the federal government.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on August 24, 2011, 06:26:30 AM

 
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. 
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. 
 
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. 
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. 
 
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed..... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 Cuckoos (MIDNIGHT!) 
 
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. 
 
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' 
 
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.



 

 

 
 
 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on August 24, 2011, 09:57:33 AM
BREAKING NEWS: President Obama has just confirmed that the DC earthquake occurred on a rare and obscure fault-line, apparently known as "Bush's Fault". Obama also announced that the Secret Service and Maxine Waters continues an investigation of the quake's suspicious ties to the Tea Party. Conservatives however have proven that it was caused by the founding fathers rolling over in their graves.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on August 24, 2011, 05:04:15 PM
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and,
write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor,
so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree,
so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD,
so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS..

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA
taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 26, 2011, 09:11:27 AM
The Sierra Club and the U. S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the  Wyoming  ranchers for controlling the coyote population. 

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue. 

What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U. S. Forest Service. 

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. 

Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here. These coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep; they're eatin' 'em!" 

The meeting never really got back to order.
 
 
 
 
 

 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 26, 2011, 10:10:03 AM
During a recent password audit by Microsoft & Google, it was found that a "blonde" was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters
long and include at least one capital.


(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/blondeanim.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 27, 2011, 12:28:18 AM
This has possibilities!

 

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and  you just need to take it out on someone, don't take  it out on someone you know. Take it out on someone you don't know.

       I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

       A man answered, saying 'Hello.' I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

       Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and he slammed down the phone. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

       When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

      ;  After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

       When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, 'You're an asshole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

       Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!' It always cheered me up.

       When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop.

       So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

       He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him
Back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up.

       One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window; so I wrote down his number.

       A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd call the BMW asshole, too. I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

       He said, 'Yes, it is.'
       I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
       He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front.'
       I asked, 'What's your name?'
       He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
       I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
       He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'
       I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
       He said, 'Yes?'
       I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!'

       Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem: I had two assholes to call.

       Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1.
       He said, 'Hello.'
       I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)
       He asked, 'Are you still there?'
       I said, 'Yeah.'
       He screamed, 'Stop calling me.'
       I said, 'Make me.'
       He asked, 'Who are you?'
       I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
       He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
       I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow house. I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
       He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'
       I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.
       Then I called Asshole #2.
       He said, 'Hello?'
       I said, 'Hello, asshole.'
       He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
       I said, 'You'll what?'
       He said, 'I'll kick your ass,'
       I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

       Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I live d at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

       Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. In Fairfax .

       I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter, and surrounded by a news crew.

       NOW I feel much better.

       Anger management really does work.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: bulldog75 on August 27, 2011, 02:36:58 AM
Tom that is great.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 27, 2011, 12:46:56 PM
Hat tip to my Step mother who sent it to me  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on August 29, 2011, 05:52:14 AM
Subject: Senior wedding

Wedding
 Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore… Jacob suggests they go in.
 Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
 
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
 
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
 Pharmacist: "Definitely."
 Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
 
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
 
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
 
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The
works."
 
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
 Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
 Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
 Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
 Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
 Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
 
Pharmacist: "Sure."
 
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
 



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on August 30, 2011, 08:49:01 AM
 Paraprosdokian-A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or re-interpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.


1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Words of Wisdom
31. "The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
32. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
33. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
34. Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
35. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
36. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
37. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
38. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
39. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
40. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
41. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
42. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
43. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
44. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that
you don't need it.
45. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second
opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
46. If you are going through hell, keep going.
47. I sleep 8 hours a day. And at least 10 at night.
48. The car stopped on a dime, which unfortunately was in a pedestrian’s pocket.
49. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
50. I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on August 31, 2011, 12:15:18 AM
Health & Safety Test
 
I failed a Health and Safety course at work today.
 One of the questions was:
 
"In the event of a fire in the workplace, what steps would you take?"
 
"Really Fuckin' Large Ones" was apparently the wrong answer!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on August 31, 2011, 10:40:16 AM
Paraprosdokian-A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or re-interpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.


51. If you're not confused, then you don't fully understand the situation.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on August 31, 2011, 12:03:22 PM
A Missouri State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.
 
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
 
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
 
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.  The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, Officer?"
 
The trooper asks: "What are you doing?"
 
The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
 
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: "And her, what is she doing?"
 
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails."
 
Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane... And nothing obscene is happening!
 
The trooper asks: "What's your age, young man?"
 
The young man says: "I'm 22, sir."
 
The trooper asks: "And her.... what's her age?"
 
The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes..."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on August 31, 2011, 12:06:01 PM
RETIREMENT IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE
One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six older ladies lying naked on the grass, Millie, Nelda, Elma, Lacey, Sippy and Rosie.

I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the
store. On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same
six older ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside to talk to
the Nursing Home Administrator.

'Do you know there are six older ladies lying naked on your front lawn?'

'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard
sale.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on September 01, 2011, 10:14:41 AM
Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers ..
 
           
 
         
 
           Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10  o'clock, 6 miles!"
 
           Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
     
 
         ___________________________________
 
         
     
 
           Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
 
         TWA  2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
 
         Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
 
         
 
           
 
         ___________________________________
 
         
 
         
 
         
 
           O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
 
         United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say  this....I've got the little Fokker in sight."
 
         
 
         
 
         ___________________________________
 
         
 
         
 
         
 
           A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was  your last known position?"
 
           Student: "When I was number one for  takeoff."
 
         
 
         
 
         ___________________________________
 
         
 
            My personal favorite
 
         
 
           A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted:
 
         "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
 
         
 
         
 
         ___________________________________
 
         
 
         
 
         
 
         
 
         A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
 
           Lufthansa (in  German):
 
         "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
 
         Ground (in  English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
 
         Lufthansa (in  English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
 
         Unknown voice from another plane  (in a beautiful British accent):  "Because you lost the bloody war!"
 
         
 
         
 
         ___________________________________
 
         
 
         
 
         
 
           Tower:
 
         "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
 
         Eastern  702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
 
         Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7.. Did you copy that report  from Eastern 702?"
 
         Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our  caterers."
 
         
 
         
 
         
 
         
 
           One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while  a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back  past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the  radio and said,  "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
 
         The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:  "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
 
         
 
         
 
         ___________________________________
 
         
 
         
 
         
 
           The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.  So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
 
           Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
 
         Ground: "Speedbird 206.. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
 
         The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
 
         
 
           Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
 
         Speedbird  206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
 
         Ground (with quite arrogant  impatience) : "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
 
         Speedbird 206  (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
 
         
 
         
 
         ___________________________________
 
         
 
         
 
             While taxiing at London's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft Lauderdale made a wrong turn and
 
         came nose to nose with a United 727.
 
         An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"  Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:  "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
 
         "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
         
 
         Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.
 
         Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
 
         Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the
 
         silence and keyed his microphone, asking:  "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on September 03, 2011, 10:03:28 PM
Lil' Johnny Meets Barack
 

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
   
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident."
 
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
 
"I'm afraid not,' explained Obama.
'That's what we would call great loss."
 
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama
searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
 
Finally, at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
 
"Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"
 
"Well,' says Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss...
and you can bet your ass it's probably not an accident either.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steyr M40A1 on September 04, 2011, 08:36:15 AM
Grandma's boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,

'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh
.. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on September 07, 2011, 11:02:04 AM

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bagpiper at a Funeral

      As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a
      Funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless
      Man.  He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a
      Pauper's' cemetery in the back country.

  As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a
  typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

      I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
      Gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.  There were only the
      Diggers and crew left and they were eating

lunch.

      I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the
      Side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in
      Place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

      The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I
  played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.I
 played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

      And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They
  wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my
  bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart
  was full.

      As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I
      Never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic
      Tanks for twenty years."

      Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on September 07, 2011, 12:54:33 PM
A Kentucky State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.


He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.  Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.


The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?'


The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?'


The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'


Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And her, what is she doing?'


The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening!


The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?'


The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'

The trooper asks: 'And her -- what's her age?'


The young man looks at his watch, grins and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes ...'


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on September 08, 2011, 10:29:21 AM
Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.



When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home .
 
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
 
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said,
 
"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.  So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and  breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
 
Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
 
Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball." 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on September 08, 2011, 10:41:02 AM
A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.' The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...  So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, ‘I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican’

The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

“U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH”
 


...and THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on September 08, 2011, 11:12:45 AM
 Simple Alcoholism test that you can take in the privacy of your own home......
 
 
 
This is a test to determine if you are an alcoholic









(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/AlcoholismTest.jpg)








If you noticed the bar sign, you are definitely an alcoholic.  (Either that, or you're Barney Frank)  ;D









 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on September 08, 2011, 11:19:22 AM
tt, I think that one deserves a place in the "Classic Motivational Poster" thread...IMNSHO

Richard


PS:  Think I saw her sister on stage...she was crawled out and tried to stand up...quite an act!

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on September 08, 2011, 11:34:39 AM
Reminds me of a woman who was a friend of my brother-in-laws.

She had breast reduction surgery and had 8lbs of tissue removed from each side......

She still looked striking.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on September 08, 2011, 03:03:14 PM
Reminds me of a woman who was a friend of my brother-in-laws.

She had breast reduction surgery and had 8lbs of tissue removed from each side......

She still looked striking.

That's just a slap in the face to God.  Like she couldn't find some guy to help her tote em when they got too heavy for her.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on September 08, 2011, 03:29:16 PM
That's just a slap in the face to God.  Like she couldn't find some guy to help her tote em when they got too heavy for her.  ;D

Actually she had great deal of difficulty coming to that decision. 

She said back aches, finding clothes to fit and the response of everyone to seeing her played a part.

But mostly it was the guys who made the offers to help her with them and other offers that tipped the scales.  I guess she figured it was easier to slap God once than slap men for the rest of her life....

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on September 09, 2011, 03:16:26 PM
Stupid joke for the day: Do you know any jokes about salt?  Na.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on September 09, 2011, 03:19:56 PM
Stupid joke for the day: Do you know any jokes about salt?  Na.



BOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on September 10, 2011, 01:07:22 PM
Letter to the Men's Helpline:
 
Hi Andy, I really need your advice on a serious problem: 
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes  out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it ? 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 11, 2011, 10:23:13 AM
I was watching the presidents speech the other night about the economy and jobs when my wife called from another room and asked, "What are you watching on TV?"
I called back to her and said, "Re-Runs".

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on September 11, 2011, 08:12:33 PM
Subject: LOST BALOONIST

  A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama-Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.
You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 13, 2011, 10:28:21 AM
At the last wedding I went to, during the reception, someone yelled out for all the married men to go stand by the person that made their lives worth living... sadly, the bartender was crushed to death.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on September 14, 2011, 12:15:14 PM
It's not whether you win or lose,
but how you place the blame.


You are not drunk
if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.



We have enough youth.
How about a fountain of "smart"?



The original point and click interface
was a Smith & Wesson.


A fool and his money
can throw one heck of a party.


When blondes have more fun do they know it?



Five days a week my body is a temple.
The other two it's an amusement park.


Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Don't Drink and Drive
You might hit a bump and spill something.


If at first you don't succeed
skydiving is not for you.


Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.


We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.



Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.



Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
to produce reproductive organs.


ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.

The latest survey shows that
three out of four people make
up 75% of the population



"I think Members of Congress should wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers so we could identify their corporate sponsors."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on September 15, 2011, 11:33:51 AM
It's not whether you win or lose,
but how you place the blame.




Isn't that the official motto of the Obama White House?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on September 15, 2011, 11:47:35 AM

Isn't that the official motto of the Obama White House?



Seems like it
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on September 15, 2011, 12:48:29 PM
A group of liberal democrats saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so
they stopped. The leader walked over, and asked ,
"What are you doing?"

"I'm committing suicide," she replied.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to
miss an opportunity.

"Before you jump, give me a kiss?" She gave him a long, deep
lingering kiss.

The Liberal Democrat said,"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had.
Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on September 15, 2011, 03:35:02 PM
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;   
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he
quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive..

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less


NOW .............

Enough of that crap   . ..   The donkey later came back,
and bit the farmer who had  tried to bury him.   
The gash from the bite got  infected and
the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.


MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover
your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on September 20, 2011, 09:25:53 AM
We were dressed, and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut up in the house. Because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on September 21, 2011, 08:06:14 AM
As near as I can tell, to be a liberal:

    You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of funding.

    IF there is a church that is valid it has been pre-approved by the government.

    You have to be against capital punishment but for abortion on demand ... in short, you support protecting the guilty and killing the innocent.

    You have to believe that the same public school idiot who can't teach 4th graders how to read is qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

    You have to believe that everyone on the internet is a pervert BUT the school officials who want to do vaginal exams on your daughter without telling you have your best interest at heart.

    You have to believe that trial lawyers are selfless heroes and doctors are overpaid.

    You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than nuclear weapons in the hands of the Red Chinese.

    You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the brilliance of the Sun, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.

    You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being gay is natural.

    You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

    You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature but pasty, fey activists who've never been outside Seattle do.

    You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

    You have to believe there was no art before federal funding.

    You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.

    You have to believe the free market that gives us 500+ channels can't deliver the quality that PBS does.

    You have to believe the NRA is bad, because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution. You have to believe that taxes are too low but ATM fees are too high.

    You have to believe that Harriet Tubman, Cesar Chavez and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.

    You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.

    You have to believe second-hand smoke is more dangerous than HIV.

    You have to believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady and Rosie O'Donnell is not really a man who is jealous of Tom Selleck.

    You have to believe conservatives are racists but that black people couldn't make it without your help.

    You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.



Sadly this really isn't a joke
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on September 21, 2011, 09:34:16 AM
As near as I can tell, to be a liberal:

    You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of funding.

    IF there is a church that is valid it has been pre-approved by the government.

    You have to be against capital punishment but for abortion on demand ... in short, you support protecting the guilty and killing the innocent.

    You have to believe that the same public school idiot who can't teach 4th graders how to read is qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

    You have to believe that everyone on the internet is a pervert BUT the school officials who want to do vaginal exams on your daughter without telling you have your best interest at heart.

    You have to believe that trial lawyers are selfless heroes and doctors are overpaid.

    You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than nuclear weapons in the hands of the Red Chinese.

    You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the brilliance of the Sun, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.

    You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being gay is natural.

    You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

    You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature but pasty, fey activists who've never been outside Seattle do.

    You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

    You have to believe there was no art before federal funding.

    You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.

    You have to believe the free market that gives us 500+ channels can't deliver the quality that PBS does.

    You have to believe the NRA is bad, because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution. You have to believe that taxes are too low but ATM fees are too high.

    You have to believe that Harriet Tubman, Cesar Chavez and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.

    You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.

    You have to believe second-hand smoke is more dangerous than HIV.

    You have to believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady and Rosie O'Donnell is not really a man who is jealous of Tom Selleck.

    You have to believe conservatives are racists but that black people couldn't make it without your help.

    You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.



Sadly this really isn't a joke


You pretty much nailed it, my friend.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: GASPASSERDELUXE on September 21, 2011, 03:22:10 PM
I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 5-year-old granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?”
 
She said "It's Presidents' Day!"
 
She is a smart kid. So, I asked "What does Presidents' Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln ... etc.
 
She replied, "Presidents' Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."
 
You know, it hurts when coffee spurts out your nose.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on September 23, 2011, 08:56:56 AM
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/church.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on September 24, 2011, 04:41:45 PM
A young man asked his grandfather, "Grandpa, how do you feel about premarital sex?"

Grandpa replied, "It's not premarital if you don't ever marry her."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on September 25, 2011, 04:16:21 PM
As I was driving home this week worrying about all the crap going on in
Washington and how the world seems to be falling apart and I saw a yard
sign that said:

NEED HELP?
CALL JESUS
1-800-005-3787
Out of curiosity, I did.

A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on September 25, 2011, 05:24:34 PM
A young man asked his grandfather, "Grandpa, how do you feel about premarital sex?"

Grandpa replied, "It's not premarital if you don't ever marry her."

now that I like.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steve Cover on September 27, 2011, 12:10:38 AM
A depressed young woman in Seattle suffering from the long rainy winter was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her and said, "Look you've got a lot to live for.  I'm off to Australia in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on the ship.  I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."  Moving closer, he slipped an arm around her and added, "I'll keep you happy and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded.  What did she have to lose?

That night, the sailor covered her with a blanket, took her aboard and hid her in a life boat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit.  
They made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I had an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.  
"He's taking me to Australia, and every night he came and screwed me."

"He sure did lady," said the captain.
"This is the Bremerton Ferry."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on September 27, 2011, 07:14:04 AM
A rich man is on his death bed and he summons his 3 most trusted friends. his doctor, priest and lawyer, to give them his last request

He tell them that he has always wanted to be able to take his fortune with him so he gives each of them $1 Million in cash with the request that they place it in the open casket just before it is closed.  They all take the money and promise to do as he asked.

At the visitation they wait to the end and are the last 3 to view their departed and place a package in the casket.

After the ceremony they meet at the wake and discuss the last request.

The doctor says he has to confess that he only put half the million in the casket and used the rest to support a medical clinic for the poor, feeling the money would do more good there than buried.

The priest said he also had that feeling and that he had kept out 10% which he used to help the homeless in his parish.

The lawyer said  "You both should be ashamed to have broken your promise!.  I was not so weak. I put in a check for the full amount."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on September 27, 2011, 05:36:35 PM
A young man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.." I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing.
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, but... You started it."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on September 28, 2011, 08:09:00 AM
Why are women like clouds?
Eventually they f..k off and its a really nice day.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Whats the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a Kit Kat Chunky?'
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big f....k big red mark on her forehead.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I was at an ATM when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Zebu, a half blind five year old south African orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes.
Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's f....k hilarious....
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I had a dog named Minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.
Bad Minton.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'
The reply from his friend......'You're so f....k lucky...Mine's still alive...'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; 'f..k off, you won't bring it back.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes.
Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!'
'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My wife's an epileptic'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ichiban on September 28, 2011, 11:45:06 AM
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on September 28, 2011, 03:59:51 PM
That's why you should never buy the cow without sampling the milk.  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on September 28, 2011, 06:52:39 PM
After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a guy decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in San Francisco where the beautiful nurses are more gentle and accommodating.
He lay naked on his side on the table, and the nurse began the examination.
"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," said the nurse.
"I haven't got an erection," said the man.
"No, but I have." replied the nurse.
Moral:  don't have this procedure done in San Francisco !
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: FSBARAK on September 29, 2011, 11:04:07 PM
Stolen from ARFcom, where it was stolen from somewhere else, etc.



(http://i165.photobucket.com/albums/u79/Kills-With-Fire/funwithshadows.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on September 30, 2011, 01:26:14 AM
THAT is funny!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on September 30, 2011, 09:42:03 AM
        I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday ....minding my own business, waiting for it to turn green.
         

    A carload of young, loud Muslims shouting anti American slogans stopped next to me.
    The light changed, the Muslims shook their fists, hit the gas and darted off ahead of me.
     
    Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding through and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely.
    For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man, that could have been me!"
     
    So, today...bright and early, I went out and got me a job as a truck driver.

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on October 01, 2011, 04:42:22 PM
Some men just never learn......lol



MAN KILLED ON GOLF COURSE...


A FOURSOME OF GUYS ARE  WAITING AT THE MEN'S TEE WHILE A FOURSOME OF WOMEN ARE HITTING FROM THE LADIES' TEE.  THE LADIES ARE TAKING THEIR TIME.

WHEN THE FINAL LADY IS READY TO HIT HER BALL, SHE HACKS IT 10 FEET.  THEN SHE GOES OVER AND WHIFFS IT COMPLETELY. THEN SHE HACKS IT ANOTHER TEN FEET AND FINALLY HACKS IT ANOTHER FIVE FEET.

SHE LOOKS UP AT THE PATIENTLY WAITING MEN AND SAYS APOLOGETICALLY, "I GUESS ALL THOSE F--KING LESSONS I TOOK OVER THE WINTER DIDN'T HELP."

ONE OF THE MEN IMMEDIATELY RESPONDS; "WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT.  YOU SHOULD HAVE TAKEN GOLF LESSONS INSTEAD."

NEVER EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO DUCK.  HE WAS 43.......



 
When you have the facts argue the facts, when you have the truth argue the truth, when you have neither pound on the table. Unknown
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: GASPASSERDELUXE on October 01, 2011, 05:01:03 PM
Default Implantable Microchip for Terrorists

    The implant is specifically designed to be inserted in the forehead.

    When properly installed, it will allow the terrorist to speak to God.

    The chip comes in a variety of sizes, and installation is implemented through a 0.223 to 0.50 caliber injection apparatus used by technicians of the U.S. Marines, U.S. Army, and Navy Seals.

    The exact size of the implant will be selected by the aforementioned hightly-trained and skilled delivery technicians, who will also conduct the actual procedure.

    No anesthesia required.

    The implant may or may not be painless. Side effects, such as severe headaches, nausea, and joint pain are extremely temporary. There have been some reported cases of overpenetration when the correctly sized injection devices were unavailable. However, these did not result in the microchips being rendered ineffective.

    Some bleeding or swelling can occur at the injection site. However, in almost all cases, the recipient won't notice it.

    Any forgiveness or judgment occurs at meeting with God, and the technicians are only liable for arranging the aforementioned meeting.

STOLEN FROM 68 FORUM.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on October 01, 2011, 05:38:48 PM
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed
a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity
music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00
depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because
women have always complained about men staring
at their tits and not listening to them.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on October 01, 2011, 06:44:24 PM
Giuseppe was meeting with a men’s group from the church, and they all congratulated him on his being married for 50 years.  the pastor asked him what the secret was, so he could share it –

He said that when he and his wife were married for 25 years, he took her to Italy.  all the men were impressed with this
and for your 50th?  the pastor asked…

I brought her home
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on October 02, 2011, 05:26:59 AM
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed
a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity
music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00
depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because
women have always complained about men staring
at their tits and not listening to them.


nice

can not wait for them to come out so for me to set up for people and to fix up ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on October 02, 2011, 07:42:20 AM
The Oakland Raiders coach had put together the perfect team. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges,the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a player who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

One night while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the game of football. The Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as a great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Oakland !!”
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on October 02, 2011, 06:46:27 PM
Mr. Jones went to Dr. Smith for a prostate exam.

Dr. Smith says, " It's not uncommon to get an erection at this point in the exam Mr. Jones."

Mr. Jones says, "But I don't have an erection."

Dr. Smith says, "I wasn't talking about you."
Title: Military Friends vs. Civilian Friends
Post by: GTnCFL on October 03, 2011, 09:49:48 PM
From my son currently serving in Afganistan!!

Military Friends vs. Civilian Friends***
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Tell you not to do something stupid when drunk.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will post 360 security so you dont get caught.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs. ... ... ...
MILITARY FRIENDS: Call your parents mom and dad.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Hope the night out drinking goes smoothly, and hope that no one is late for the ride home.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Know some wild stuff will happen, and set up rally points and an E & E route.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will be sitting next to you saying, Damn...we f**ked up...but hey, that was fun!"
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Steal each other's stuff so often nobody remembers who bought it in the first place.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will listen to your relationship problems and hope it works out for you.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will listen to you over a long hard road march, and will help you straighten it out better than Dr. Phil.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Might try to hit on your girl behind your back.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Have spooned with you in the field more than your girl has, and would never even think about doing that.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Get into a fight with each other and won't talk to you for months.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Get into a fight with each other and 5 minutes later hugging it out, saying why were we fighting again?
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will wish you had enough money to go out that night, and are sorry you couldn't come.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will share their last dollar with you, drag you along, and try to work free drinks all night.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Want the money they loaned you back next week.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Can't begin to remember who owes who money after taking care of each other for so long.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will tell you "They'd take a bullet for you."
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will actually take a bullet for you.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will ignore this
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will repost this
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: GTnCFL on October 03, 2011, 09:57:05 PM
Also from my son in Afganistan!!

(http://transfer.jgtservices.com/files/EnoughSaid.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: bulldog75 on October 05, 2011, 12:52:07 PM
From my son currently serving in Afganistan!!

Military Friends vs. Civilian Friends***
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Tell you not to do something stupid when drunk.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will post 360 security so you dont get caught.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs. ... ... ...
MILITARY FRIENDS: Call your parents mom and dad.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Hope the night out drinking goes smoothly, and hope that no one is late for the ride home.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Know some wild stuff will happen, and set up rally points and an E & E route.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will be sitting next to you saying, Damn...we f**ked up...but hey, that was fun!"
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Steal each other's stuff so often nobody remembers who bought it in the first place.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will listen to your relationship problems and hope it works out for you.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will listen to you over a long hard road march, and will help you straighten it out better than Dr. Phil.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Might try to hit on your girl behind your back.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Have spooned with you in the field more than your girl has, and would never even think about doing that.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Get into a fight with each other and won't talk to you for months.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Get into a fight with each other and 5 minutes later hugging it out, saying why were we fighting again?
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will wish you had enough money to go out that night, and are sorry you couldn't come.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will share their last dollar with you, drag you along, and try to work free drinks all night.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Want the money they loaned you back next week.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Can't begin to remember who owes who money after taking care of each other for so long.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will tell you "They'd take a bullet for you."
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will actually take a bullet for you.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will ignore this
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will repost this

   been there done that for 18 years and it is true.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: JC5123 on October 06, 2011, 08:26:23 AM
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.    One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.  'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy.  Several Dropped and rolled down toward the fence.  Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.  As he passed, he Thought he heard voices    from inside the cemetery.  He slowed down to investigate.  Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you,  One for me...'  He just knew what it was.  He jumped back on his bike and rode off..  Just around the bend he met   an old man with a cane, hobbling along.  'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard!  Satan and the Lord are down at   the cemetery dividing up the souls!'  The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.'  When the boy insisted though,   the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.  Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me.  One for you, One for me.'  The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been telling' me the truth.  Let's see if  we can see the Lord....?  Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything..    The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the  Fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.  At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me.  That's all..    Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...?  They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: BAC on October 06, 2011, 12:50:03 PM
I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish.
"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
"Fine," I said, "then I want to die the day after Congress gets its head
out of its ass!"
"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on October 06, 2011, 02:52:58 PM
Deaf  Sex

  Two deaf people get married and during the first week  of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in  the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each  other signing, or read lips.

  After several nights of fumbling  around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a  solution.


  She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we  agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you  want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left  breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over  and squeeze my right breast two times.


  The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes  back to his wife that if she wants to have sex with him, reach  over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to  have sex, pull on his penis three hundred and fifty  times.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on October 07, 2011, 09:13:06 PM
An illegal alien, a Muslim and a Communist go into a bar.


The bartender asks,
"What can I get you, Mr. President?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on October 10, 2011, 08:46:47 AM
Deaf  Sex

  Two deaf people get married and during the first week  of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in  the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each  other signing, or read lips.

  After several nights of fumbling  around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a  solution.


  She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we  agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you  want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left  breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over  and squeeze my right breast two times.


  The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes  back to his wife that if she wants to have sex with him, reach  over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to  have sex, pull on his penis three hundred and fifty  times.

roflmao!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on October 12, 2011, 09:36:26 AM
You know the honeymoon is over when the comedians start.
 
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree - and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
--Jay Leno

America needs Obama-care like
Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
--Jay Leno

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's'                    THIRD PRIZE (TIE)
new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like
and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama
call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--Jay Leno
 
Q: What's the difference between                             FIRST PRIZE
Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with
tax evaders, blackmailers,
and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.
--David Letterman
 
Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat
in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink,
who would be saved?
A: America !
--Jimmy Fallon
 
Q: What's the difference between                         SECOND PRIZE
Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
--Jimmy Kimmel
 
Q: What was the most positive result of             THIRD PRIZE (TIE)
the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the
Obama bumper stickers off the road.
--David Letterman
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on October 12, 2011, 09:38:40 AM
      A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once
in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
      Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are
$20 bills falling out of that bag."

      "Really? Oh darn it," said the little old lady. "I'd better go back
and see if I can find them. Thank you, officer."

      "Hold on, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that
money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

      "Oh, no, no," said the little old lady. "You see, my backyard is
right next to the football stadium parking lot. During games, a lot
of men come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my
flower garden. It used to really make me mad, 'cause it would kill
my flowers, you know.
      Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?'
      So now, whenever there's a game, I stand behind the fence real quiet
with my hedge clippers, and every time some guy sticks his thing
through my fence to relieve himself, I surprise him by grabbing hold
of it and saying, 'OK, buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes.' "

      "Well that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing.
      "OK, good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"




      "Well, you know," said the little old lady, "not everyone pays"


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on October 12, 2011, 03:02:49 PM
Translation from
CALIFORNIA.......................................TEXAS

Arsenal of Weapons...........................Gun Collection

Delicate Wetlands...............................Swamp

Undocumented Worker........................Illegal Alien

Cruelty-Free Materials..........................Synthetic Fiber

Assault and Battery..............................Attitude Adjustment

Heavily Armed.......................................Well-protected

Narrow-minded.....................................Righteous

Taxes or Your Fair Share.......................Coerced Theft

Commonsense Gun Control...................Gun Confiscation Plot

Illegal Hazardous Explosives..................Fireworks for Stump Removal

Equal Access to Opportunity...................Socialism

Multicultural Community...........................High Crime Area

Fairness or Social Progress......................Marxism

Upper Class or "The Rich ".......................Self-Employed

Progressive, Change................................Big Government Scheme

Homeless or Disadvantaged.....................Bums or Welfare Leeches

Sniper Rifle................................................Scoped Deer Rifle

Investment For the Future.........................Higher Taxes

Healthcare Reform......................................Socialized Medicine

Extremist, Judgmental, or Hater..................Conservative

Truants........................................................Homeschoolers

Victim or Oppressed.....................................Criminal or Lazy Good-For-Nothing

High Capacity Magazine................................Standard Capacity Magazine

Religious Zealot.............................................Church-going

Reintroduced Wolves.....................................Sheep and Elk Killers

Fair Trade Coffee............................................Overpriced Yuppie Coffee

Exploiters or "The Rich "..................................Employed or Land Owner

The Gun Lobby................................................NRA Members

Assault Weapon..............................................Semi-Auto (Grandpa's M1 Carbine)

Fiscal Stimulus..................................................New Taxes and Higher Taxes

Same Sex Marriage..........................................Legalized Perversion

Mandated Eco-Friendly Lighting.......................Chinese Mercury-Laden Light Bulbs


Is that more clear now?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on October 13, 2011, 10:12:44 AM
Translation from
CALIFORNIA.......................................TEXAS

Arsenal of Weapons...........................Gun Collection

Delicate Wetlands...............................Swamp

Undocumented Worker........................Illegal Alien

Cruelty-Free Materials..........................Synthetic Fiber

Assault and Battery..............................Attitude Adjustment

Heavily Armed.......................................Well-protected

Narrow-minded.....................................Righteous

Taxes or Your Fair Share.......................Coerced Theft

Commonsense Gun Control...................Gun Confiscation Plot

Illegal Hazardous Explosives..................Fireworks for Stump Removal

Equal Access to Opportunity...................Socialism

Multicultural Community...........................High Crime Area

Fairness or Social Progress......................Marxism

Upper Class or "The Rich ".......................Self-Employed

Progressive, Change................................Big Government Scheme

Homeless or Disadvantaged.....................Bums or Welfare Leeches

Sniper Rifle................................................Scoped Deer Rifle

Investment For the Future.........................Higher Taxes

Healthcare Reform......................................Socialized Medicine

Extremist, Judgmental, or Hater..................Conservative

Truants........................................................Homeschoolers

Victim or Oppressed.....................................Criminal or Lazy Good-For-Nothing

High Capacity Magazine Assault Clip.............Standard Capacity Magazine

Religious Zealot.............................................Church-going

Reintroduced Wolves.....................................Sheep and Elk Killers

Fair Trade Coffee............................................Overpriced Yuppie Coffee

Exploiters or "The Rich "..................................Employed or Land Owner

The Gun Lobby................................................NRA Members

Assault Weapon..............................................Semi-Auto (Grandpa's M1 Carbine)

Fiscal Stimulus..................................................New Taxes and Higher Taxes

Same Sex Marriage..........................................Legalized Perversion

Mandated Eco-Friendly Lighting.......................Chinese Mercury-Laden Light Bulbs


Is that more clear now?


Fixed it for the sake of accuracy.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on October 13, 2011, 10:14:26 AM
I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

--------------------------------------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old, ' the husband said ..'We may not have 45 minutes.' They were seated immediately.

--------------------------------------------------------------

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'
Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'
Frank commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'
Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'

--------------------------------------------------------------

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks t he Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A penny.'
'Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
'The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'

-------------------------------------------------------------

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear,'he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry George.'
'But I thought you hated George,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'

--------------------------------------

A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on October 13, 2011, 10:57:37 AM
I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

--------------------------------------------------------------


I used to go to a grocery story and at the check out, the lady in front of me told the checker that she had forgotten to pick up an item.  The checker offered to run get it for her and the woman said ok.  When the checker got back, the woman had remembered another item she had forgotten and sent the checker after it.

When my turn came, I told the checker I thought it was wrong to leave everyone else stand longer in line because that woman goofed.  The checker told me it was store policy...

So after I was checked out, I went and had a strong word with the manager.  Told him the policy stunk and was unfair to other customers and if I encountered it again I'd just go straight to the line and hand the checker my shopping list.

He babbled a bit but didn't really say anything.

Next time I was at the store, I happened to get the same checker.  She was all smiles and asked if I heard the announcement when I entered the store, which I had not.  She said the manager called all the checkers over and told them if I was in their line not to run for items for anyone.

A few trips later I ended up in the 10 items or less line.  The woman in front of me had way over the limit.  When she had them on the counter I said.     I see you have more than the limit and pointed to the sigh.  Is the problem that you can't read or that you can't count.   The checker than told her she would have to put the extras back in the cart.

The "fast line" was right next to the manager's station and there was a courtesy checkout station there and from that day on, whenever I got at the end of the fast line, the manager waved me over to his checkout line.

sigh...here I was opposing special privileges and started getting them because of it. 

Another time I was in a long checkout line and has made my way to third in line.  A woman with a full cart who was not in line, pulls up next to me, nods to the space ahead of me and looks at me.  I smile and nod back.

She moved forward with me for the two spots in line and when it would have been time for her to squeeze in, I blocked her and said   Sorry, you have to get at the end of the line like everyone else.   She looked stunned, but went back...to the applause of those behind me.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on October 13, 2011, 05:33:55 PM
Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a
lightning-quick kick from a cow... right in his crotch. Writhing in
agony, he fell to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He
Said, “How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek
and my fiancé, Lena, is still a Virgin - in every vay.”
The doctor told him, “Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint
to let it heal & keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but
leave it on there as long as you can.”
He took four tongue depressors & formed a neat little 4 sided
splint & taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.
Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her & they went
on their honeymoon to Duluth.
That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal
her beautiful, untouched breasts.  She said, “Olaf... you're the
first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez.”
Olaf immediately dropped his pants & replied, “Look at dis Lena
...still in DA CRATE!”
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on October 13, 2011, 05:55:42 PM
LOL  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on October 14, 2011, 02:38:24 AM
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on October 14, 2011, 06:51:05 PM
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'



I always wanted this t-shirt, but the wife said no.  :(
(http://tshirtmuseum.com/assets/images/shirts/ee_tshirt01.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on October 14, 2011, 08:54:15 PM
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it — let alone turn it on – even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can’t get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each
year.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: GASPASSERDELUXE on October 15, 2011, 02:34:16 PM


 

Magic Sandals
 



A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs....

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'


 
 







 

 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on October 16, 2011, 08:34:51 AM

 

Magic Sandals
  



A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs....

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'


 
 







 

 




I don't care who you are, that's funny right there!!  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on October 16, 2011, 09:14:13 AM
These 4 gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son Kent," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "Norm's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's son, Greg, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Chico's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on October 16, 2011, 09:16:18 AM
An excerpt from Hazcat's Diary..............


Quote
Day 751: My captors continue to torment me with bizarre dangling objects. They eat lavish meals in my presence while I am forced to subsist on dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of eventual escape -- that, and the satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining some piece of their furniture.

I fear I may be going insane. Yesterday, I ate a houseplant. Tomorrow I may eat another
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on October 16, 2011, 04:45:18 PM
(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/50thAnniversary.jpg)

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl".   
 
"Now ... I have a $1,500,000.00 home, a $70,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 74-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."   
 
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.   
 
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.         
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on October 16, 2011, 05:05:59 PM
Two young businessmen in Florida
were sitting down for a break in

their soon-to-be new store in the
shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't

ready, with only a few shelves and display
racks set up.

 One said to the other, "I'll bet that any
minute now some senior is going

to walk by, put his face to the window,
and ask what we're selling."

 

Sure enough, just a moment later,
a curious senior gentleman walked up

to the window, looked around
intensely and rapped on the glass, then

in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

 

One of the men replied
sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

 

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said,
"You must be doing well.

Only two left."

 

Seniors -- don't mess with them,

They didn't get old by being stupid.

*************************************************************************************

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to
track down terrorists.  You can't be older than 42 to
join the military.  They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take
us old guys.  You shouldn't be able to join a military unit
until you're at least 35. 

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about
sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about
sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000
additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a
cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier.  'My back hurts!  I can't
sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe
letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it
will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.. 

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am.  Old guys
always get up early to pee, so what the hell.  Besides, like I
said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may
as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch. 

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where
we put them.  In fact, name, rank, and serial number
would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting
screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food.  We've also
developed an appreciation for guns.  We've been using them
for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the
screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've
been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope
hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after
completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've
never seen anyone outrun a bullet. 

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still
learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl.
He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to
shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little
more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
 
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The
last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off
old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know
that their best years are already behind them.   

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!!
You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on
border patrol They'll have it secured the first night! 

*************************************************************************

A lady, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay,

she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.

He had no arms or legs.


The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you,

are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'

********************************************************************************

(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/Affair.jpg)

*******************************************************************************

(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/LieDispenser.jpg)


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on October 19, 2011, 01:15:00 PM
British Humor:

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
--------------------------
The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did...she's 21 and her name's Kandi.
--------------------------
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
--------------------------
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same caliber."
-------------------------
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
---------------------------
Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said, "I am not understanding the question please."
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 19, 2011, 02:33:44 PM
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on October 19, 2011, 02:42:23 PM
Works for me!

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MinotBob on October 19, 2011, 05:02:50 PM
Cowboy Pick Up Line



A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman---

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of- the-art watch, and I was just testing it...'

The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch?

'What's so special about it?'

The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Damn thing's an hour fast.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 19, 2011, 06:42:45 PM
Gee,  It's all so clear  now.............
  
 A little girl wrote to Sarah Palin and asked; 'How did the human race  start?'
Sarah Palin answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; They had children; and so was all mankind made.'
    
Two days later the girl wrote to Michelle Obama and asked the same question.
Michelle Obama answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl went to her father and said, 'Dad, how is it possible that Sarah Palin told me the Human race was created by God,
And Michelle Obama said they evolved from monkeys.'
    
The father answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple, Sarah Palin told you about her ancestors and Michelle Obama told you about hers.'

Just so none of our "newer members" think I'm racist ,
Did you here about the Polish girl who quit using her vibrator because it chipped her tooth ?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: JC5123 on October 21, 2011, 03:31:56 PM
"I am NOT gonna donate sperm for money. What would I do if, in 18 years, the kid looked me up ? I'd have to tell him that he was beer money."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on October 21, 2011, 08:24:12 PM
You peeple that thinck you can speel and prufreed are verry irrotating to those of us jeeniouses that can.

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)

6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10. No sentence fragments.

11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

14. One should NEVER generalize.

15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

16. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

17. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

18. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

19. The passive voice is to be ignored.

20. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

21. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

22. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

23. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.

24. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

25. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

26. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

27. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

28. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

29. Who needs rhetorical questions?

30. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

31. Don't never use no double negatives.

32. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on October 21, 2011, 09:04:50 PM
Good 'un, Maj!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 21, 2011, 09:30:26 PM
Damn, I think I've broken every single one of them.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on October 21, 2011, 11:56:17 PM
This happened on a flight getting ready to depart for Detroit. Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck -- pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

"What's the matter?" Jack asked.

"I've been transferred to Detroit; there are crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."

Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on October 21, 2011, 11:58:12 PM

 
An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
    When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is
a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor      says,
    "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy obeys and says,"99".

The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".
Again, the old guy says, '99'."

    The doctor said, Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.
    Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The old guy begins, "One ... Two ... Three" ....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: FSBARAK on October 23, 2011, 05:44:51 PM
TULANE STUDY (VERY INTERESTING)


A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by Tulane's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is premenstrual, menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 23, 2011, 07:13:30 PM
Senior Moment At D.C. Airport

A Great Senior Moment! Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent inter-action between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a D. C. airport. There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets, on the evils of America . I politely declined to take one.The elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice the young lady said, "Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea , and a son in Vietnam . All three died so a bitch like you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country. If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on October 24, 2011, 06:44:18 PM
Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.


CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?

Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on October 25, 2011, 09:27:22 PM
My personal favorite bear defense gun has always been a pistol in .22 short. I've found over the years when hiking in bear country I never leave without it in my pocket. Of course we all know the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System". For those of you who may be unfamiliar with this it means you NEVER hike alone, you bring a friend or companion, even an in-law, that way if something happens there is someone to go get help.

I remember one time hiking with my brother-in-law in northern New York . Out of nowhere came this huge brown bear and man was she MAD! We must have been near one of her cubs. Any way if I had not had my little .22 I'd sure not be here today. That's right, one shot to my brother-in-law's knee cap and I was able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace. That's one of the best pistols in my safe.  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ichiban on October 26, 2011, 06:29:38 PM
President Obama went to a bank to cash a check.  As he approached the cashier he said, "Good morning, Ma'am.  Could you please cash this check for me?"

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir.  Could you please show me your ID?

Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to.  I am Barack Hussein Obama, the president of the United States of AMERICA !!!!"

Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are.  However, due to all the regulations and monitoring of the banks mandated by the Dodd/Frank legislation, I must insist on seeing ID."

Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am, and they will tell you.  Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr. President, but these are the bank rules, and I must follow them."

Obama: "I am urging you, please, to cash this check!"

Cashier: "Look, Mr. President, I just thought of a possible away around this situation.  A couple of precedents may apply to your case ...
    - One day Tiger Woods came into this bank without ID.  To prove he was Tiger Woods, he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup.  With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.
    - Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID.  He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup.  With that shot we cashed his check.
  So, Mr. President.  What can you do to prove that it is you ... and only you ... as the President of the United States?"

Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally said:  "Honestly, my mind is a total blank.  There is nothing that comes to my mind.  I can't think of a single thing.  I have absolutely no idea what to do."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MinotBob on October 28, 2011, 09:03:57 PM
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.

She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?”

"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on November 01, 2011, 02:52:57 AM
This happened last winter just outside of Douglas, a little town in the back country of North Dakota. It sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale.

This out-of-state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a snow storm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was snowing so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghost like in the snow. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine .

Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and began begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into a nearby lake and he would drown!

But just before the curve, a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again! Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve.

Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran and ran, into Garrison. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience.

A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth (and was not just some drunk).

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, 'Look Ole, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we wuz pushin it in the snow.'

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 01, 2011, 12:05:53 PM
Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.

Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.

He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

‘Name’s Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00..’

‘Great’, says Tom, ‘after six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks Thank you.’

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. ‘Gotta warn you. Be some drinking’.’

‘Not a problem’ says Tom. ‘After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of ‘em’.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops, ‘More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fighting’ too.’

Well, I get along with people, I’ll be all right!. I’ll be there. Thanks again.’

‘More’n likely be some wild sex, too.’

Now that’s really not a problem’ says Tom, warming to the idea. ‘I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?’

‘Don’t much matter. Just gonna be the two of us…’
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 01, 2011, 12:06:57 PM
A pretty girl is driving through the West.

Her car runs out of gas, and an Indian comes along on a horse, and gives her a ride to a gas station.
 
Every few minutes he lets out a wild whoop that would curdle milk.

Finally, he drops her off with a final Yaaaaa-Hooo! and gallops off.

"My God!" says the gas station guy, "What the hell were you doing to that Injun to make him holler like that?"

"Why, nothing," says the girl, "I just sat behind him with my arms around him, holding onto his saddle horn."

"Lady,"says the guy, "Indians don't use saddles."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 01, 2011, 12:07:50 PM
A man was sitting on his front porch one morning and saw a young couple moving next door.

The husband of the couple opened the moving van, removed a hammock and proceeded to set up the hammock in the back yard.

Meanwhile, his wife was working feverishly unloading boxes.

After a while, the young lady emerged from the house with a cold beer and a pillow and gave them to her husband.

She then proceeded to cut the grass and clean up the yard.

This infuriated the man who was watching, so he walked next door to give the husband a piece of his mind. "Sir," he said angrily, "you ought to be hung!"

The neighbor replied, "I am, my friend."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 01, 2011, 12:09:31 PM
An elderly woman walked into a doctor's office and told the doctor that she and her husband had not been intimate in years.
She said that her husband seemed to have a lack of desire.

After listening to the woman for a while, the doctor said, "I have just the thing. Have your husband take two of these pills right before dinner...."

The next morning, the woman stormed into the doctor's office and exclaimed, "You have to change my husband's prescription!! It is much too strong!! I gave him the pills before dinner, just like you told me, and halfway through dinner they took effect. He got a wild look in his eyes, then pulled the tablecloth off the table breaking all of the dishes!! Then he threw me onto the table, and we made love right there!!

"I feel awful," said the doctor. "Let me at least pay for all of the broken dishes."

"Don't worry about it," replied the woman, "we just won't eat at that restaurant any more!!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on November 01, 2011, 05:10:14 PM
Some time back I was skippering a tourist boat with a load of Canadians.  I told them the following story:

Masters and Johnson did a survey of Canadian married couples and found, surprisingly, that the preferred position for marital intimacy was Doggy Style.

They did an additional survey to discover the reason behind this anomaly.

They discovered that this was Canada's favored position because it allows both husband and wife to view the hockey game on the TV.

One of my Canadian guests returned the favor with the following observation:

I'm told you Yanks like women with big boobs and tight hoo-ha's.  (I agreed to the accuracy of his statement)

He continued:  That's because you all have big mouths and tiny weenies.

(I thought that a good rejoinder and said I would tell his every time I told mine--and give him credit.  His name was Bob.)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on November 01, 2011, 08:31:55 PM
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became
very depressed because he had loved to play Golf .

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an
elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was
standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along,
whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this
man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing
up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do
things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk
so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him
how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and
felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for
saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that
guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and
whooping and kicking up his heels again. He asked, 'Why are you so
happy anyway?'

He said, 'I'm NOT happy.


My balls itch.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on November 02, 2011, 03:11:33 AM
STOLEN!!!  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 04, 2011, 05:30:11 PM
 ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 04, 2011, 05:36:39 PM
 :o

(http://thetrashcollector.com/Novelties/NoveltyElectricToiletTissue.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 07, 2011, 08:50:53 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on November 09, 2011, 03:48:37 PM
The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOV?T AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

RANCHER: Well, theres my hired hand whos been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
Then theres the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

GOV?T AGENT: Thats the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.

RANCHER: That would be me.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: 1Buckshot on November 09, 2011, 04:18:59 PM
Damn it Tab. I didn't think any one new about that visit form the state. I wish you would have kept it to your self. ::) To bad I had to give up ranching 12 years ago. I just couldn't live off  $10 a week any more. ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 09, 2011, 08:37:55 PM
Why athletes don't hold regular jobs

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
(Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. 7'5" Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford: "I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: mkm on November 09, 2011, 09:23:04 PM
I'm officially using #6.  That's too good to pass up.  Number 8 is classic.  There are some good ones on that list.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 10, 2011, 05:55:35 AM
A little comic relief for the day.....not for the faint of heart (I'm sure M'ette will appreciate it).     



       

I wonder why this was sent to me by a woman??
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on November 10, 2011, 09:56:46 AM
A little comic relief for the day.....not for the faint of heart (I'm sure M'ette will appreciate FORWARD it).     



       

I wonder why this was sent to me by a woman??

FIFY.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: FSBARAK on November 10, 2011, 10:50:39 PM
About 2 weeks ago, I was looking around the Web for the BIGGEST
sky rocket that I could get shipped to me via common freight
carrier. I located a fireworks importer in Wisconsin who had this
mondo sky rocket -- biggest thing I had ever seen -- called a
SkyDragon. These things are 48 inches tall and are mounted on a
1/2-inch wooden dowel. Pure aerospace engineering.

I plopped down a bunch of money and had him send me two cases
of these things. They arrived at the freight dock a few days ago
and I had to drive the van over to pick them up. Two boxes each 2
feet by 2 feet by 4 feet in size containing 80 rockets each. The
'Class 4 Explosives' sticker on the side of each box was a real
bonus. I am gonna have to save them for the scrapbook.

That night, me and the kiddos had a gen-u-ine rocket launch
ceremony. I placed one of these beauties in a liter-size glass
bottle and the bottle fell over. Hmmmm- this thing was waaay
too big. I looked around the shop for a pipe to set it in, but
realized that the only dirt I could drive the pipe into was in
plain sight of my neighbor's house. I knew he was a cool guy,
but I didn't want him to call the cops. You see, 'projectile-type'
fireworks are totally illegal in this county. I was surprised that
the Buncombe County Sheriff Department wasn't waiting for me at
the loading dock when I picked these things up. Anyhow, I finally
rigged a launch pad by prying up one of the driveway drain grates
with a crowbar and sitting the stick into the deep pit. Looked
sorta like an ICBM silo with its hardened lid slid aside.

I asked which of my three kids wanted to light the fuse, but all
took a few steps back and politely declined. Chickens. Kids just
aren't made the same nowadays. They fulfill their danger quotient
by shooting bad guys in video games. About as far from real danger
as you can get, if you ask me.

I told the little weenies to stand back as I bent to light the
device with a Bic lighter.

The lady at the fireworks importer promised me that these things
would not make any noise. I told her that they had to be relatively
quiet so I could shoot them off in my neighborhood without causing
"undue alarm". She said I wouldn't have any problem. I emphasized
the particular legal problems I would have if there were any
type of loud report at apogee. I emphasized the fact that I lived
right next to a National Park and that any type of firework that
was discharged or assumed to be discharged on that property would
get me sent before a federal judge right before I got sent to the
county judge. She again assured me I would have no problem.

That lying woman.

That rocket engine had a burn time about as long as any I had ever
seen, and the ascent echoed off the surrounding trees. Diamond
shock patterns extended from the back end. It kept going and going
and going. When it hit apogee at about 1000 feet, the rocket
disintegrated into a huge shower of silent red sparks. Pretty
cool, I thought ...until the shower of sparks burned out and
suddenly transformed into a cloud of extremely bright and loud
explosions. The kids scrambled into the back door Three Stooges
style (i.e.: where all three try to get through the same closed
door at once) and left me standing in the smoking haze waiting for
the cops to arrive. The dogs that live along our street were all
barking their heads off at the apparition they had just witnessed
in the night sky.

That ended the fireworks test for the night.

The next day, my oldest son and I decided we were gonna "neuter"
one of the rockets so it wouldn't make any noise. I took him into
the garage closet where I store the gardening tools and he saw these
two huge cases of fireworks standing there. The kid went nuts. He
wanted to open both boxes so he could see what all 159 rockets
looked like lined up next to each other. This kid has promise. I
told him: "Since mom only thinks I have a few of these things lying
around, maybe that wasn't such a good idea." He mulled that over
for a few seconds, then gave me a real big smile in agreement.

We pulled one of the rockets out of the box and re-locked the
closet door.

He and I both sat down on the driveway and proceeded to take it
apart. It was a standard issue big-ass Chinese sky rocket. I
bet they used these to kill people 500 years ago. As I sat
there taking layer after layer of paper off, his brain was
filling with the details of construction. Tissue, cardboard,
plastic, fuses...etc. Realizing that he was mentally storing the
design for some future project sorta made me shudder. All I was
thinking was the fact that this thing was probably put together
by a political prisoner in a hellhole somewhere who is probably
gonna get "executed" so they can sell his internal organs on the
transplant market.

Probably not too far from the facts, but I managed to do a bit of
explaining to him from the standpoint of aerospace engineering
regarding how the thing worked. Doug is probably the only 7th
grader in the U.S. who can now describe the principle of thrust
using a control volume model.

The rocket was pretty simple. It had a very large booster engine
topped with a warhead that contained the red sparkly things that
exploded. Removing the warhead was as simple as giving a quick
twist, and I assumed the neutered rocket would fly higher without
the payload. I was correct. Doug and I did a daylight 'stealth'
test and were able to add about 50% to the altitude attained the
previous night. We decided to modify four more rockets and put them
aside in the closet for easy access. When this was done, Doug had
a jar full of stuff that came out of the warheads including 12
fuses about 3 inches long each, some paper, 4 plastic nosecones
and a big handful of these little black balls about the size of
12-gauge buckshot that turned out to be the 'red sparkly popper
things'. It appeared that the outer layer was a simple gunpowder
coating designed to quickly burn off as red shower of sparks. I
surmised that the inner core had some kind of magnesium thermite
that gave off an intense white light and a loud bang. Pretty cool
if you ask me. Lots of energy packed into one teeny little ball.

I didn't want to see the popper thingies go to waste, so I told
Doug we were gonna put them in a hole in the ground and set them
off. He gave me another big smile.

It's amazing how kids think alike...even when separated by 25 years.

As I was digging a shallow hole with my hand, Doug asked if it
would be all right to put an army man next to these things so that
"When they go off, it would look like he was getting shot with a
machine gun."

Dang....exactly what I was thinking. I agreed and he ran off to
his room to dig something out of the mess. He returned in about
3 seconds, out of breath and holding a cheap plastic imitation of
Robert E. Lee on horseback and a Civil War cannon. I pointed out
that they didn't have true machine guns in the Civil War, but we
would overlook this for the purpose of the demonstration. He handed
me the action figure and I placed it and the cannon next to a rather
large pile of black beads from which a few of the fuses extended.

I figured that three inches of fuse would take 2 seconds to burn,
so I had at least that amount of time to stand up and take a
few steps back. I neglected to recount the night before -- when
the warhead ignited immediately upon reaching apogee. Tricky
Chinese. They had installed extremely fast-burning fuse in these
things and that fact totally escaped me.

I squatted next to Robert Lee and gave a short eulogy. Doug
laughed. I took the trusty Bic lighter and placed it next to the
fuse. One flick got the lighter going and this image is one I will
remember for a long time. My hand holding a lighter next to a pile
of explosives.

There is usually a short but noticeable mental pause that occurs
immediately before something bad or really stupid happens. It is
where that little voice in your head says: "You dumbass."

The fuse burn time was in the 1/1000ths of a second range. The pile
of little popper thingies immediately ignited into a tremendously
brilliant ball of fire. All I could think was "...my...my...my
eyes...!" Unfortunately, when they are viewed at ground level,
these little popper thingies become really big popper thingies
and have a tendency to jump up to 15 feet in every direction from
their point of ignition. I instantaneously became engulfed in a
ball of fire that sounded a lot like being in a half-done bag of
Orville Reddenbacher's popcorn.

And it was all over about as fast as I could can snap my finger.

After the smoke cleared, Doug started laughing his head off. That
meant I was still in one piece. Doug does not laugh at dismembered
limbs. He said I jumped about 10 feet, an action that I do not
remember. I checked my clothes for burn marks, and found none. He
checked my back to make sure it was not on fire. No combustion
there. The driveway was peppered with black holes where the concrete
had been scarred from these things.

A close one -- a real close one. My mind ran the tapes again
to re-hash what it had seen. All I remembered was being inside
something akin to a 30-foot-diameter flaming dandelion. Whew.

We examined Ol' Robert E. at ground-zero.

Instead of a machine-gun peppering, he got nuked. He and the
horse he rode in on, and his cannon too. One side was untouched,
but the other side was arc-welded. Real warfare. Doug examined it
real quiet-like and then started laughing again.

I assume he will remember the finer points of the lesson as he
grows older.

When I now speak of "almost being burned beyond recognition" he
will have a slightly better understanding of what I mean. I hope
that this vivid image tempers the knowledge he now has regarding
rocket construction. Oh, well. After all, if your dad isn't gonna
teach you how to get your butt blown off, who will? (Author Unknown)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on November 12, 2011, 09:47:17 AM
When my doctor asked me about what I did yesterday, I told him about my day:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped
from wild coyotes in the heavy brush, marched up and down a mountain,
stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from
an aggressive rattlesnake"
Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be an awesome outdoors-man!"







"No," I replied, "I'm just a really shitty golfer."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: FSBARAK on November 12, 2011, 10:28:40 AM
I walked into the pub toilet earlier, spotted a bloke at the urinals, and made my way to the cubicle.

Bloke laughed and said, "Embarrassed about your penis, hey, lad?"

A bit embarrassed, I said; "Of course not!" And made my way over to the urinal next to him.

What a hypocrite, he sure seemed embarrassed watching me take a shit.




A fella goes to the doctor and says, "I got a mole on the end of my penis"

Doc says, "Drop your trousers and show me"

After a look the doctor says,

"I can get rid of the mole but I'm gonna have to report you to the animal welfare people."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on November 15, 2011, 09:48:15 AM
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied: "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!", the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet.."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"

Johnny said: "Well, I walked past Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night.  Mom had her legs up in the air and she was saying:
'Oh God! . . I'm coming!' " 

"If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I recon we'd have lost her."

The nun had to leave the room . . . .  :)

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
He is amazed to find a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
 
Then the priest comes in. 
Excitedly, the Irishman begins..."Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies, "Get  out. You're on my side."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The  parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.   
Then suddenly there was total quiet.  Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
 
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.  The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and
unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. 

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

 
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on November 15, 2011, 04:38:49 PM



 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: FSBARAK on November 16, 2011, 09:45:21 AM
TEACHER:     Maria, go to the map and find     North America  .
MARIA:          Here  it  is.
TEACHER:    Correct.  Now class, who discovered     America ?
CLASS:          Maria.
____________________________________ 

TEACHER:    John, why are you doing your math multiplication on  the floor?
JOHN:           You told  me to do it without using  tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER:   Glenn, how do you spell  'crocodile?'
GLENN:       K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:   No, that's wrong
GLENN:        Maybe it is wrong, but you  asked me how I spell it.   

TEACHER:    Donald, what is the chemical formula for  water?
DONALD:       H I J K L M N  O
TEACHER:    What are you talking  about?
DONALD:     Yesterday you said it's H to O.   
__________________________________

TEACHER:    Winnie, name one important thing we have  today
that we didn't have  ten years ago.
WINNIE:        Me!
__________________________________________   

TEACHER:    Glen, why do you always get so  dirty?
GLEN:           Well,  I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.   
_______________________________________

TEACHER:      Millie, give me a sentence starting with  '  I.  '
MILLIE:          I   is..
TEACHER:      No, Millie..... Always say, 'I   am.'
MILLIE:          All right...   'I am the ninth letter of the  alphabet.'     
________________________________

TEACHER:     George Washington not only chopped down his  father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.  Now, Louie, do  you know why his father didn't punish  him?
LOUIS:            Because  George still had the axe in his  hand....   ;D   


______________________________________   

TEACHER:     Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say  prayers before eating?
SIMON:          No sir, I don't  have to, my Mum is a good cook.   
______________________________

TEACHER:         Clyde , your composition on  'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy  his?
CLYDE   :          No, sir.. It's  the same dog.     

TEACHER:     Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on  talking when people are no longer  interested?
HAROLD:      A  teacher
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on November 16, 2011, 07:42:29 PM
A salesman is lost in a rural area and stops at a farm to get directions. As he is talking to the farmer he notices a pig with a wooden leg. "How did the pig get a wooden leg?", he asks the farmer.

"Well", says the farmer, "that is a very special pig. One night not too long ago we had a fire start in the barn.

"Well, sir, that pig set up a great squealing that woke everyone, and by the time we got there he had herded all the other animals out of the barn and saved everyone of them.  Then we noticed the fire had spread to the back of the house where our 2 yr old was sleeping.  That pig rushed into the house, up the stairs and made it back our dragging the baby to safety"

"And that was when he hurt his leg?" asked the salesman.

"Oh no" says the farmer. "He was fine after that. Though a while later I was in the woods out back and a bear attacked me. Well, sir, that pig was near by and he came running and set on that bear and chased him off. Saved me for sure."

"So the bear injured his leg then," says the salesman.

"Oh no. He came away without a scratch from that. Though a few days later my tractor turned over in a ditch and I was knocked unconscious. Well, that pig dove into the ditch and pulled me out before I drowned."

"So he hurt his leg then?" asks the salesman.

"Oh no," says the farmer.

"So how did he get the wooden leg?" the salesman asks.

"Well", the farmer tells him, "When you have a pig like that, you don't want to eat him all at once."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: GASPASSERDELUXE on November 16, 2011, 08:04:37 PM
A salesman is lost in a rural area and stops at a farm to get directions. As he is talking to the farmer he notices a pig with a wooden leg. "How did the pig get a wooden leg?", he asks the farmer.

"Well", says the farmer, "that is a very special pig. One night not too long ago we had a fire start in the barn.

"Well, sir, that pig set up a great squealing that woke everyone, and by the time we got there he had herded all the other animals out of the barn and saved everyone of them.  Then we noticed the fire had spread to the back of the house where our 2 yr old was sleeping.  That pig rushed into the house, up the stairs and made it back our dragging the baby to safety"

"And that was when he hurt his leg?" asked the salesman.

"Oh no" says the farmer. "He was fine after that. Though a while later I was in the woods out back and a bear attacked me. Well, sir, that pig was near by and he came running and set on that bear and chased him off. Saved me for sure."

"So the bear injured his leg then," says the salesman.

"Oh no. He came away without a scratch from that. Though a few days later my tractor turned over in a ditch and I was knocked unconscious. Well, that pig dove into the ditch and pulled me out before I drowned."

"So he hurt his leg then?" asks the salesman.

"Oh no," says the farmer.

"So how did he get the wooden leg?" the salesman asks.

"Well", the farmer tells him, "When you have a pig like that, you don't want to eat him all at once."



With gratitude like that he must have been French.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on November 16, 2011, 09:27:06 PM
Sailor #1- I just bought five competition pigeons.

Sailor #2- Carrier pigeons?

Sailor #1 - No, land-based.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on November 17, 2011, 10:11:51 AM
Here in Texas , where I live, there is a town called New Braunfels , where there is a large German-speaking population.

One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his right hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

The rancher rolled down the window and shouted:  "Sehr angenehm! Trink das wasser nicht.  Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen."  Which  means: "Glad to meet you!  Don't drink the water. The cows have shit in  it."

The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and  just down here campaigning for Obama's health care plan.  I can't understand you.  Please speak in English."

The rancher replied: "Use both hands.  You'll  get more."



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: FSBARAK on November 18, 2011, 02:27:07 AM
http://medias.tuxboard.com/flash/strip-tease-controle-parental.swf (http://medias.tuxboard.com/flash/strip-tease-controle-parental.swf)

When it stops, hit play
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steve Cover on November 18, 2011, 07:09:01 AM
This happened on a flight getting ready to depart for Detroit. Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck -- pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

"What's the matter?" Jack asked.

"I've been transferred to Detroit; there are crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."

Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."


You forgot the picture....

(http://i160.photobucket.com/albums/t175/SteveCover/BudweiserTruck.jpg)

Steve
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on November 19, 2011, 09:15:37 AM
(http://www.foxcreekphoto.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/farside070221-300x240.jpg)

(http://thetwowhos.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/FarSide-Deer.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: GASPASSERDELUXE on November 19, 2011, 01:46:34 PM

Subject: Baseball

Barack and Michelle Obama are at the White Sox game.

Sitting in the first row with the Secret Service people directly behind
them, one of The Secret Service guys leans forward and says something to the
president.
Barack stares at the guy, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and
shakes his head violently.

The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request, from the
owner of the team down to the bat boy. And...the fans would love it!"

So, Barack shrugs his shoulders and says, "If that's what the people want."

He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and
drops her right over the wall into the field. She gets up kicking, swearing,
and screaming -- and the crowd goes wild, cheering, applauding, and
high-fiving.

Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says, "You
were right, I would have never believed that!"

Then noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what is wrong.

The agent replies, "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first
PITCH!"


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 19, 2011, 02:36:06 PM
From Sheriff Jim Wilson..............................

THIS JUST IN: Last Sunday, in a TV interview, Hank Williams Jr. apologized for comparing Pres. Obama to Hitler.

And, on Monday, the surviving members of Hitler's family appeared on German TV and accepted the apology.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on November 21, 2011, 11:20:27 AM
You forgot the picture....

(http://i160.photobucket.com/albums/t175/SteveCover/BudweiserTruck.jpg)

Steve

I don't care who you are, that's funny right there!!!  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on November 21, 2011, 11:22:08 AM
An oldie, but a goodie.  (Kinda like Haz)  ;D


Are you a Republican, a Democrat, or a Southerner?  Here is a little test that will help you decide.


The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a
Deserted street with your wife
And two small children.

Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife
Comes around the corner,
Locks eyes with you,
Screams obscenities,
Raises the knife, and charges at you...

You are carrying a
Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?



THINK CAREFULLY AND
THEN SCROLL DOWN:

Democrat's Answer:

 
 
· Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
· What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP?
· Does the man look poor or oppressed?
· Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?
· Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
· Could we run away?
· What does my wife think?
· What about the kids?
· Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
· What does the law say about this situation?
· Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
· Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
· Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
· Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
· If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
· Should I call 9-1-1?
· Why is this street so deserted?
· We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.
· Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
· I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
· This is all so confusing!

........... ......... ........ ......... ......... ......... ........ ........ .
Republican's Answer:

BANG!


........... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ........ .....

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click.....
(Sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG!BANG!
Click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!'
'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!

Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'

Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on November 21, 2011, 11:30:58 AM
You are carrying You're GranDaddys Colt
 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?

Southerner's Answer:




BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG Click ,(Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG Click,(Sounds of reloading),Scan for threats

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!'
'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Federal Hydra Shoks?!

Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'

Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

FIFY
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on November 21, 2011, 01:28:34 PM
so self respecting southern would carry a kimber
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on November 21, 2011, 03:23:30 PM
so No self-respecting southerner would carry could afford a kimberKimber.

FIFY
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on November 21, 2011, 03:41:29 PM
OK,I went back and fixed it again... ::) ::) ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: deepwater on November 23, 2011, 04:45:13 PM
 The Blue Pigeon.

The mayor of Phoenix , AZ was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix ..

He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop, the people of Phoenix could not walk on the sidewalks, or drive on the roads.

It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.

One day a man came

to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition.

'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions.
Or, you can pay me one million dollars to ask one question.'

The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Arizona sky.

All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the blue pigeon. The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall.

The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of pigeons.

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing,the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question.

Do you think the Mayor is going to ask how the blue pigeon led all the pigeons away?

Do you think the Mayor is going to ask where all the pigeons went?

Do you think he is going to ask where the man got the blue pigeon?


Nooooooo!

This will get a smile out of you!


The mayor asked:


'Do you have a blue Mexican?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on November 23, 2011, 05:11:25 PM
You don't need the Blue Mexican to get rid of all the illegals and blacks.
What you need is lots of jobs and no welfare.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on November 25, 2011, 01:11:40 PM
A man walks into the doctors office and tells the doctor his leg is bothering him. The man is told to take off his pants and sit up on the table and the doctor examines his leg. After a couple minutes the doctor takes his stethoscope and places it on the mans thigh. Through the stethoscope he hears "Hey Doc can you lend me a couple bucks?". Moving down to the mans knee he hears "Can I borrow $10 till payday?" The doctor then listens at the mans ankle and hears "Hey buddy can you lend me $5?" the doctor puts the stethoscope away and tells the man he knows what the problem is. "What is it asks the man?" The doctors replies "Your leg is broke in three places"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: deepwater on November 27, 2011, 06:21:59 PM
so......

Light travels much faster than sound.

Which clearly explains why some people appear brilliant,

until you hear them talk..
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on November 30, 2011, 02:51:04 PM
I just got off the phone with a friend living in northern Minnesota near the Canadian border. He said that since early this morning the snow is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping and is at about 15 degrees and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.
His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on December 02, 2011, 10:38:30 AM
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped
at a roadside restaurant for lunch.



After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly
left her glasses on the table, and she didn't
miss them until they had been driving for
about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they
had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around,
in order to return to the restaurant to
retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband
became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded
his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her,
the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,

While you're in there, you might as well
get my hat and the
credit card.






Somehow I don't find that nearly as funny as I might've 10 years ago.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on December 02, 2011, 11:49:32 AM
A California Love Story
 
 A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex ... She spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ....... Something she just loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"

Because ... She Replied .....


"I Really Miss Mine"

 
I told you it was a California Love Story
 
 
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on December 02, 2011, 03:13:57 PM
Thought to ponder....

"If McDonalds sold hotdogs would you hesitate to order a McWeiner and ask the counter person to SUPER SIZE IT?"


Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 02, 2011, 08:23:31 PM
I would ask for a jumbo frank.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on December 03, 2011, 02:49:22 AM
jf, only you would do that!  LOL

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on December 05, 2011, 11:28:53 AM
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on December 05, 2011, 01:35:08 PM
Guy goes into a bar in Berwick , La. where there's a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey."
The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says," 168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious...So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey."
Then again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.
Then he goes back into the bar.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy with Barrack Obama?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 05, 2011, 02:02:44 PM
     I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.

           Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

    I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

     

    I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.

    I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

    I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

    I have also been in Doubt.

    That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

    I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

    Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

    One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart!

    At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

    And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!

    And finally I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there. 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on December 05, 2011, 08:30:40 PM

This is just too funny!
 This could only be true; you simply can't make this stuff up!
Clutching their Kohl's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed down at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit..no flies, no smell... "What business could that poor kitty have had here?" murmured Ellen...
 
"Come on, Ellen, let's just go..."
 
But Ellen had already grabbed her shopping bag and was explaining, "I'll just put my things in your bag, and then I'll use this tissue...."
 
She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the squished and bloody feline into her own Kohl's bag and cover it with more tissue paper.
 
They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left Ellen's burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while they ate, Kay's Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell.
 
They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed over to K&W Cafeteria.
 
They went through the serving line and sat down at a window table. They had a view of Kay's Chevy with the Kohl's bag still on the trunk.
 
BUT not for long! - As they ate, they noticed a big woman in a red gingham shirt stroll by their car... She looked quickly this way and that, and then took the Kohl's bag without breaking stride. She quickly walked out of their line of vision. Kay and Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed look of amazement.
 
It all happened so fast that neither of them could think how to respond. "Can you imagine?" finally sputtered Ellen. "The nerve of that woman!" Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh was building as she thought about the grand surprise awaiting the female thief.
 
Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line. Following her gaze, Kay recognized the big woman in the red gingham shirt with the Kohl's bag hanging from her arm. She was brazenly pushing her tray toward the cashier.
 
Helplessly they watched the scene unfold:
 
After leaving the register, the woman settled at a table across from theirs, put the bag on an empty chair and began to eat.
 
After a few bites of baked whitefish and green beans, she casually lifted the bag into her lap to survey her treasure. Looking from side to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt audience three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered into the bag.
 
Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise. The noise grew. The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing and clutching her upper chest. The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer in trouble and sent the busboy to call 911, while she administered the Heimlich maneuver.
 
A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who remained riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the ambulance arrived. In a matter of minutes, the big woman with the red gingham shirt emerged, still gasping, and securely strapped on a gurney.
 
Two well-trained EMT volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance, while a third scooped up her belongings. The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar was as she disappeared behind the ambulance doors................the Kohl's Bag perched on her stomach!!
 
God does take care of those who do bad things! AND once in a while...He allows us to witness!



Posted on main page as well. Forgot this page was here...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on December 06, 2011, 09:41:28 AM
This picture pretty much sums things up...................................

(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/FootballMessage.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on December 06, 2011, 04:37:17 PM
That's NOT a joke!

Richard

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on December 07, 2011, 05:09:22 AM
Got this in an email.  Don't know if it is true, so I'm putting it here since it is Classic.

Subject: Man vs Woman
Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus”. It is offered by an English Professor from the University of Colorado as an actual class assignment:

A Creative Writing professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form of writing called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting next to his or her desk.

As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail.
The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.”

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students:
Rebecca (PINK)
Bill (BLUE).

THE STORY:
(First paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
(Second paragraph by Bill)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his trans-galactic communicator. “Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning.
The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
(Bill)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mother ship launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks that pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires that were determined to destroy the human race.
Within two hours after the passage of the treaty, the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized even poor, stupid Laurie.
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
(Bill)
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. “Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo. I guess I've read too many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)

A$$h@le.

(Bill)

B*tch!

(Rebecca)

F*** YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!

(Bill)

In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.


(TEACHER)

A+ - I really liked this one.
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on December 07, 2011, 06:34:16 AM
A former coworker and I were at Sushi last night.
I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us
and remarked, "That's us in 10 years".

He replied, "That's a mirror, ding-dong!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on December 08, 2011, 08:12:34 AM
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

One is from  Chicago , another is from  Tennessee , and the third is from  Montana . All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The  Montana contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. That's $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The  Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The  Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The  Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from  Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on December 08, 2011, 06:08:32 PM
having worked in every state in the union, that sounds more like a texas oil field contractor then it does anything else.

Yeah, alot of midwestern/north east, its union thugs that actually end up doing the work.  Not low ball bidders.

Now in CA it would be $2600, $500 in parts, $100 for 25 mexicans, $1000 permit, and $1500 for a "green inspector" = $500 loss for the contractor.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread... I love Kimbers!
Post by: oldkat69 on December 09, 2011, 07:10:36 PM
 :) Subject: Fwd: Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?


I am a southerner.

Which are you?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.


You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two
small children. Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the
corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and
charges
at you...


You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an
expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What
do you do?



THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN:


Democrat's Answer:

· Well, that's not enough information to answer the
question!

· What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP?

· Does the man look poor or oppressed?

· Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?

· Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to
attack?

· Could we run away?

· What does my wife think?

· What about the kids?

· Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the
knife out of his hand?

· What does the law say about this situation?

· Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?

· Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of
message does this send to society and to my children?

· Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

· Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content
just to wound me?

· If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family
get away while he was stabbing me?

· Should I call 9-1-1?

· Why is this street so deserted?

· We need to raise taxes.

· Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would
discourage such behavior.

· I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and
try to come to a consensus.

· This is all so confusing!
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .........
......... ...
Republican's Answer:

BANG!
...... ...... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .........
......



Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG ! BANG!
BANG! BANG!

Click..... (Sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!' 'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or
Hollow Points?!

Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'

Wife: 'You are NOT taking that to a Taxidermist!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on December 10, 2011, 02:10:22 PM
(http://i384.photobucket.com/albums/oo283/tsbevins/Yobama.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on December 10, 2011, 11:07:32 PM
Why is santa always jolley?


he knows where all the nuaghty girls live.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on December 11, 2011, 12:48:31 PM
Got this in an email.....

         'I haven't left my house in days.
          I watch the news channels incessantly.
          All the news stories are about the election
          All the commercials are for Viagra and Cialis.
          Election - erection - election - erection
          - - - either way we're getting screwed!'
          -- Bette Midler
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 11, 2011, 11:28:41 PM
      Just watch the video.   :o

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on December 12, 2011, 06:44:04 AM
Gumby with cards  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 12, 2011, 11:14:33 AM
I laughed when the "Cardman" moved toward the crowd, and they all backed away.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 12, 2011, 03:34:51 PM
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame
sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was
needed..

  T he bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally
and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

  After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he
had decided to call it a day.   Just then, an armless man approached
him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
T he bishop was incredulous.

  'You have no arms !'

  'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !'

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a
beautiful melody on the carillon.   T he bishop listened in
astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for
Quasimodo.

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless
man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death
in the street below.

   T he stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church
steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the
fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment
before..

   As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them
asked,

  'Bishop, who was this man ?'.

  'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,


   ( scroll down )













' ................. BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'


   WAI T ! WAI T ! T here's more


 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 12, 2011, 03:35:38 PM
 T he following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his
heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the
bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

   T he first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the
brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this
very belfry yesterday.   I pray that you honour his life by allowing me
to replace him in this duty.'

   T he bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless
man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he
groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

   T wo monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second
tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

   'What has happened ? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked
breathlessly.

   'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, but,



   'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER..'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on December 14, 2011, 06:40:29 AM
Is it impolite to groan at someone's jokes?   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on December 14, 2011, 11:06:29 AM
Yes, but BOOOOO, Hissssss is OK.

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 14, 2011, 01:35:48 PM
;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 15, 2011, 12:31:20 PM
http://www.consona.com/email_images/2011_holiday_card/main/holidayemaillandingpage.html?utm_source=Q42011-Holiday-Email&utm_medium=Email&utm_campaign=IBS-All
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 15, 2011, 10:20:01 PM
 :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on December 16, 2011, 09:34:32 AM
GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.
She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and
bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when
he was on the Ark ?" "No," replied Johnny.
"How could he, with just two worms."

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most
quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23 .
She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.
Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm.
After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation,
Ricky was so nervous.
When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly,
"The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

UNANSWERED PRAYER

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his
head for a moment before starting his sermon.
One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so
observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

BEING THANKFUL

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for
you each night?
That's very commendable.
What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family
member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).
For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say,
"and all girls."
This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing.
My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the
part about all girls?"
Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steve Cover on December 17, 2011, 02:55:34 AM
Alabama Declares War on the USA

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang. "Hello", President Obama said. A heavily accented southern voice said, "This is Archie, down here at Joe's Catfish Shack, in Mobile, and I'm callin' to tell ya'll that we are officially declaring war on y'all!"

"Well Archie," President Obama replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!"

President Obama paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have to call ya back!" Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. President, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" President Obama asked. "Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer and Harry's farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above," said Archie, "I'll be gettin' back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie called back again the next day. "President Obama! I'm sorry to have to tell you that we had to call off this here war." "I am sorry to hear that," said the President. "Why the sudden change of heart, Archie?"

"Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over sweet tea, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed that many prisoners."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steve Cover on December 17, 2011, 02:58:05 AM
Cowboy Logic

A tough old cowboy from Idaho counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.  The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103.  When he died, he left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a hole 15 foot deep and 30 foot across where the crematorium used to be.

Sorta brings a tear to your eye, don't it?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on December 21, 2011, 08:51:56 AM
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping  boring and preferred to get
in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves
to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

 Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban
both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris,
are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: He made  a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official  voice,
'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to
leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that
in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and
costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began  crying and
screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While  handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store  suspiciously while loudly humming
the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by
using different sizes of funnels on his chest.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October  22 : When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a
fetal position and screamed 'OH  NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN! '

15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where the fitting
room was?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the clerks passed out.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on December 21, 2011, 09:30:16 AM
A married couple was out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon.  Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared."


The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded, "Where the h*ll are you?"

Her husband responded, "Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said 'Baby, it'll be yours one day'?"
 
With a smile blushing, she answered, "Yes, I remember that my Love."

"Well, I'm in the Hooters next to that."

 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on December 22, 2011, 04:54:19 AM
Company Memo
FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:         All Employees
DATE:    November 1, 2010
RE:       Gala Christmas Party
 
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.
 
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!  We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along.  And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
 
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.  Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
 
This gathering is only for employees!
 
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
 
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
 
 
 
 
Company Memo
FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:         All Employees
DATE:    November 2, 2010
RE:       Gala  Holiday   Party
 
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.  We recognize that  Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
 
However, from now on,  we're calling it our "Holiday Party."  The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
 
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.
 
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
 
Happy now?
 
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
 
 
 
 
 Company Memo
FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:        All Employees
DATE:   November 3, 2010
RE:         Holiday   Party
 
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name...
 
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that  reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.  How am I supposed to handle this?
 
Somebody?
 
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
 
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
 
Patty
 
 
 
 
 Company Memo
FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To:        All Employees
DATE:   November 4, 2010
RE:        Generic  Holiday   Party
 
What a diverse group we are!  I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
 
There goes the party!  Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.  Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.  Will that work?
 
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
 
Gays are allowed to sit with each other.  Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
 
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms.  Sorry.
 
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
 
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food .  The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
 
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
 
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
 
 
 
 
Company Memo
FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:         All F*%^ing Employees
DATE:    November  5, 2010
RE:         The F*%^ing Holiday Party
 
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!!  We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.
 
But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.  They scream when you slice them.  I've heard them scream.  I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
 
The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss.  I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
 
Drive drunk and die,
 
The B*tch from H*ll!!!
 
 
 
 
 Company Memo
FROM:  Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE:   November  6, 2010
RE:       Patty Lewis and  Holiday   Party
 
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.
 
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
 
Happy Whatever!
Joan
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on December 22, 2011, 08:56:41 AM
We have good news...

And, we have bad news...

The good news:  Kim Jong Il has died.

The bad news:  He is being replaced by his son, Kim "W" Il.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on December 22, 2011, 01:48:11 PM
A friend of mine just bought a new Xmas tree. Thinking she might need help, I asked her if she was going to put it up herself? "No" she replied "I thought it would look nice in the corner of the living room".
--
I worked in a record shop when I was at school and a woman came in and asked "Have you got Jingle Bells on the old 12 inch?" I said "No but I've got two dangling balls on a 7 inch". She asked "Is that a record?" I said "I think so... I'm only 13".
--
I just got a job directing a local play. I thought it was a bit dull so I thought I would liven it up a bit by including a nude lesbian shower scene. The School Board people weren't impressed - said it ruined the Nativity.
--
Dear Santa, Last year I asked for a thin body and a fat pay cheque. Please don't get them confused again this year.
--
I said to the wife "Hey fat c...t what do you want for Christmas?" She said "Don't get f....k lippy!" "Fair enough" I said "Mascara it is then..."
--
I LOVE Christmas lights, they remind me of immigrants. They all hang together, half of the fuckers don't work, and the ones that do aren't that bright.
--
Paddy says to Mick "Christmas is on a Friday this year". Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th".
--
I got a Christmas card from my solicitors today. It wished me, but in no way guaranteed me, a Happy Christmas.
--
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capital. A search for a Virgin continues. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on December 22, 2011, 02:07:57 PM
We have good news...

And, we have bad news...

The good news:  Kim Jong Il has died.

The bad news:  He is being replaced by his son, Kim "W" Il.

Kim Jong Il is now known as Kim Jong Dead.





h/t to BAC
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on December 22, 2011, 03:04:53 PM
We have good news...

And, we have bad news...

The good news:  Kim Jong Il has died.

The bad news:  He is being replaced by his son, Kim "W" Il.

(http://i.imgur.com/gsBcr.png)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 22, 2011, 03:21:06 PM
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy, he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly...

'Nith wookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's bachside, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The dwarf gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I thould rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound and awound just a widdlebit?'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on December 23, 2011, 02:06:30 PM
Have the tissue at hand, this is a tear-jerker....................................



Last week, I took my grand-children to a restaurant.
My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the
food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And
liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark,
"That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray.
Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is
God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was
certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was
a great prayer."

"Really?" my grand-son asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had
started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little
ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My
grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the
rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front
of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it up
your ass you grouchy old bitch! "

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on December 23, 2011, 02:28:58 PM
A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder.   She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'  (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ , so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.

'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on December 25, 2011, 10:08:41 AM
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.  The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!  But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.  With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh!  Plop!  A torso pops out!  The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy.  The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.  The patrons chant, "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay .. Swoooosh! Plip!Plop!  Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild.  The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!  Take another drink!"

The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.  Plop! Plip! Two legs pop out.  The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.  The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says.......
*

*

(Wait for it.)

*
*
(It's coming.)

*

*

(Ya ready?)

*

*

* (Don't hate me!)

*

*

* (Yer gonna hate me!)

*

*

* (Take a deep breath)

*

*

*

" He should've quit while he was a head!"


Merry Christmas Y'all
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on December 25, 2011, 10:56:42 AM
I don't hate you, not on Christmas!  Just a strong dislike...LOL

Merry Christmas


Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on December 27, 2011, 07:55:12 AM
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.


'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.'


The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a Democrat's brain; $200 for a Republican's brain.'

The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats actually had to 'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republicans. A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the Democrats brain so much more than a Republicans
brain?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the Republicans' brains a lot lower because they're used."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 27, 2011, 01:11:13 PM
A new priest, born and raised in  Texas ,

comes to serve in a city parish and is

nervous about hearing confessions, so

he asks the older priest to sit in on his

sessions.

 

The new priest hears a couple of confessions,

then the old priest asks him to step out of the

confessional for a few suggestions.

 

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms

over your chest, and rub your chin with one

hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,'

and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'

 

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his

chin with one hand and repeats all the

suggested remarks to the old priest.

 

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think

that's a little better than slapping your knee

and saying, "No shit, what happened next?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on December 28, 2011, 10:45:23 AM
The new Obama Presidential Library is finished - - it's full of all he knows!
Title: The Church Fart
Post by: Timothy on December 29, 2011, 11:48:31 AM
An elderly couple are attending church services. About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.

It says, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on January 01, 2012, 12:00:44 PM

A Christmas Story

 'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.


 He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.


 Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.


 I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!



 I've busted my ass for damn near a year,


 Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?


 The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.


The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.



 Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.


 Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.


And just when I thought that things would get better


 Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,


 They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny


 Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?



 And the kids these days--they all are the pits


 They want the impossible--Those mean little shits


 I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds


Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads


I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,


 They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!



Flying through the air...dodging the trees


Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees


 I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment


 I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.



 There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,


 I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on January 01, 2012, 04:42:02 PM
Just a warning Santa...BLONDS can be more trouble than anything you mentioned earlier!

FWIW

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on January 01, 2012, 09:03:04 PM
WHY IT DOESN'T PAY TO ATTEND HIGH SCHOOL REUNIONS
 
Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School.  They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

 

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

 

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

 

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

 

Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York’s leading law firms. They live in a 4,000 sq. ft. condo on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix .

 

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.

 

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his dick.

 

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

 Mary says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on January 02, 2012, 04:25:35 PM
Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.  This is when you have been with your partner for a long time, your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'Screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * This means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon, and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your wife any more.  She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.  You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy
yourself.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on January 07, 2012, 02:12:32 PM
A salesman rings the doorbell. A 10 year old kid answers the door. He has a cigarette in his mouth, a beer in one hand and a Playboy magazine in the other hand. The salesman asks him if his Mother is home. The kid says, "What do you think?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on January 08, 2012, 12:57:28 PM
    Hans vas a Norvegian vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidently cut off all ten of his finkers. He vent to da emergency room in the clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Hans and said,

     "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."

     Hans said,"I haven't got da finkers."

    "Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he asked. "Lordy!

     It's 2009!  Ve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible technologies.
     I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you

     brink da finkers?"

     Hans responded:

     "How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on January 10, 2012, 10:14:49 AM
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/blondeanim.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on January 10, 2012, 10:15:53 AM
A woman had been in a coma for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath.

One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.

They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and told him what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'Oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma'

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses ran in the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on January 10, 2012, 10:55:17 AM
Now that is funnier than heck!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 14, 2012, 11:38:36 AM
 ;D


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on January 14, 2012, 06:21:16 PM
;D




Him: "Well, 25% of the time, you're on the periodical."

Her: "And you're 100% of the time on the stupid!"

I'm sorry, but I was LOL'g all the way through that.

Since he's in IT Tech Support, I'm guessing Raj has taken an American name. And maybe, because he likes the American way of love where she uses the mouth, maybe his new name is something like "Bill Clinton"?   ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on January 15, 2012, 11:08:55 AM
Last year a young man graduated from the University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. His very first assignment, for the newspaper who hired him, was to write a human interest story. He decided to go into the Ozark Mountains to do his research.

He found an old farmer's house in an isolated section and introduced himself to the man. He then asked him, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"

The old farmer thought for a moment and said, "Yep, one time a neighbor's sheep got lost. We all formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it and took it back home."

"I can't print that!" the young reporter exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?"

"Yep, one time a neighbor's daughter got lost. We all formed a posse & found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."

"Hell, I can't print that either!" cried the frustrated reporter. "Has anything ever happened that made you sad?"

The old farmer dropped his head and sat quietly for a few seconds.

Then he timidly replied, "Yep, I got lost once."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on January 16, 2012, 09:25:43 AM
On the last day of school before the Christmas break, the children
brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of
assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher
lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop
and asked, " Champagne ?"

"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on January 16, 2012, 11:02:07 PM
Letter to the bank...



Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old
 woman.

 
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New
 York Times.

 Dear Sir:

 I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to
 pay my plumber last month.

 By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his
 presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to
 honor it..

 I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension,
 an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
 also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
 caused to your bank.

 My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me
 to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally
 answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am
 confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity
 which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

 My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
 automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and
 confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

 Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to
 open such an envelope.

 Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen
 employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about
 him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

 Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
 countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
 financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
 accompanied by documented proof.

 In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN
 number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

 I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled
 it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account
 balance on your phone bank service.

 As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

 Let me level the playing field even further.

 When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

 #1. To make an appointment to see me

 #2. To query a missing payment.

 #3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

 #4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

 #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

 #6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

 #7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
 required.

 Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized
 Contact mentioned earlier.

 #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
 answering service.

 #10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

 While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
 play for the duration of the call.

 Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
 establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

 May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

 Your Humble Client

 
And remember:
Don't make old people mad.
We don't like being old in the first place,

so it doesn't take much to piss us off.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: twyacht on January 17, 2012, 05:18:26 PM
Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf,

One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it ! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune!
I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home
planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game.

I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry
Christmas ! It's a great morning - intercourse or golfcourse'

She said,"Don't forget your sweater."

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on January 18, 2012, 09:45:13 PM
Guy has a parrot named Bob. Bob has been acting up, tearing up the paper in the bottom of his cage, screeching and flapping around. The guy asks, "Bob, what's the problem." Bob whistles and says, "Bob wants a girl. Bob wants a girl. Awk! Bob wants a girl."
 
So the guy puts an ad in the paper looking for a mate. Finally, a woman responds to the ad. She has a female parrot she will rent for one evening for $50. The guy argues that usually the male gets the stud fee, but the lady is unrelenting and Bob is near hysteria, so the agreement is made.
 
The lady brings over the female. They put her in the cage with Bob and put a cover on the cage. In a matter of seconds there is horrible screeching and feathers are flying out from under the cover.
 
They rip off the cover and Bob has the female parrot pinned to the bottom of the cage, has half her feathers ripped out and is working on the other half.

The guy yells at bob, "Bob! What are your doing!?!"
 
Bob says, "For $50 I want her naked!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on January 19, 2012, 03:50:32 PM
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots,

But they only know to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.....

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day,
She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....

As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...

Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

After a few minutes,
The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...

Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,

'Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MinotBob on January 19, 2012, 06:51:14 PM
I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, waiting for it to turn green.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans,
with a half- burned American Flag duct taped on the trunk of their carand a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side,
stopped next to me. The light changed, the Muslims praised Allah,shook their fists, hit the gas & darted off ahead of me.

Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding thru the intersection & ran directly over their car, crushing it completely,killing everyone in the car. For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man... that could have been me!"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on January 22, 2012, 06:06:20 PM
I was drying off after a shower. It was extremely humid and the towel wasn't getting the job done so I took out the hair dryer and was drying off my private parts when my wife walked in and exclaimed...."What the hell are you doing?"

"apparently Heating up her dinner was the wrong response....."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on January 27, 2012, 04:41:03 PM
My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some
of those pills that help get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back
and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm still looking for a place to live.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 27, 2012, 10:52:59 PM
.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on January 31, 2012, 04:47:53 PM
We were sitting at the breakfast table Sunday morning. Reading the paper and enjoying the 2nd coffee. I told my wife something that had been bothering me for a while.
"Dear, if I die I want you to do me a favor. Sell all my stuff right away. Don't waste any time, just sell it all."
"Ok," she said, "but why?"
"Well, you're a good woman and I'm sure you will remarry. I don't want some other jackass playing around with my stuff. Just sell it all!"
She smiled sweetly and asked, "What makes you think I would marry ANOTHER jackass?"
Somehow, conversations with her don't always come out right.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on January 31, 2012, 07:05:05 PM
A Mainer and a NH Man were hunting in up state NH when an illegal alien runs
across the field.

The NH Man takes careful aim, shoots him.

"You can't do that!" cried the Mainer.

"No, no, it's legal here in NH " replies the NH Man.

Later that night the Mainer goes and buys some beer and puts it on the roof
of his truck to open the door.
Just then an illegal alien runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away.
The Mainer thinks "No problem" draws his pistol, shoots, and kills him.

As he is getting his beer the police come and arrest him.

"But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in NH!" protests
the Mainer.

"Well yeah," says the cop, "but you can't use bait."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on February 01, 2012, 08:20:59 AM
A Mainer and a NH Man were hunting in up state NH when an illegal alien runs
across the field.

The NH Man takes careful aim, shoots him.

"You can't do that!" cried the Mainer.

"No, no, it's legal here in NH " replies the NH Man.

Later that night the Mainer goes and buys some beer and puts it on the roof
of his truck to open the door.
Just then an illegal alien runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away.
The Mainer thinks "No problem" draws his pistol, shoots, and kills him.

As he is getting his beer the police come and arrest him.

"But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in NH!" protests
the Mainer.

"Well yeah," says the cop, "but you can't use bait."


Stolen and modified for australians  ;D

That is so Northern Territory and a Queenslander.... muahh
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on February 01, 2012, 08:31:06 PM
Playboy reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue.
Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic.
 
We all remember when KFC offered a "Hillary Meal" consisting of 2 small breasts and 2 large thighs.
Now, KFC is offering the "Obama Cabinet Bucket." It consists of nothing but left wings and chicken shit.

Title: It's A 'SON OF A BITCH' FISH!
Post by: sledgemeister on February 02, 2012, 02:24:02 AM
The parish priest went on a fishing trip.



On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.



The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"



"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"



"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"


"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"



Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.



"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."



"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"



"Why, eat it! Of course You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!"



Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.



While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.


"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"



Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"



"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!"


"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"



Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.


"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said.



As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.



"What are you doing Sister?"



"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner."



"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"



"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish."



"Really? Well in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!"



"Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."



On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect.
The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.



The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.



The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"



"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.



"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.



The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch using a special recipe!"



The new Bishop looked around at each of them.



A big smile crept across his face as he said,


"You Fuckers are my kind of people!"
Title: Re: It's A 'SON OF A BITCH' FISH!
Post by: Magoo541 on February 02, 2012, 09:19:06 AM
"You Fuckers are my kind of people!"

DRTV, 'nuff said  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on February 05, 2012, 06:32:08 AM
Right Click on the link and open in new window
I wish I was 6ft 7 now!!
http://dl.dropbox.com/u/623607/%3Ab%3A/Farting%20on%20Mexican%20Kid.png
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on February 05, 2012, 08:00:13 AM
You forgot the link..
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: twyacht on February 05, 2012, 08:06:31 AM
A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah  when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and  unconscious.
    On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a  similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert, and  as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the  injured Marine what had happened.
    The Marine reported, "I was heavily  armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily  armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along  the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum  bag who got what he deserved. He yelled back that Barack Obama is a  lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an  American!”
    So then I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a  frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well,  so does Nancy Pelosi !"
     
    "And, there we were, in the middle of the road,  shaking hands, when a truck hit  us!"

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 05, 2012, 02:26:01 PM
Subj: Public Service Announcement
 

                Public Service Announcement

                There is less than a year until the election, an election that will
                decide the next President of the United States..

    The person elected will be the president of all Americans, not just
    the Democrats or the Republicans.

    To show our solidarity as Americans, let's all get together and show
    each other our support for the candidate of our choice.

    It's time that we come together, Democrats, Independents, and Republicans alike.
    If you support the policies and character of the Republican party,
    please drive with your headlights on during the day.

If you support Obama, please drive with your headlights off at night.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on February 06, 2012, 07:53:09 AM
You forgot the link..

Try now!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on February 07, 2012, 09:00:47 AM
A man and a woman who had never met  before,
But who were both married to other  people,
found themselves assigned to the same  sleeping
room on a trans-continental  train.

Though  initially embarrassed and uneasy over
sharing a room, they were both very tired  and
fell asleep quickly, he in the upper  berth
and she in the  lower.

 At 1:00 AM, the man leaned  down and gently woke
the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm  sorry to bother you,
but would you be willing to reach  into the closet
to get me a second  blanket?  I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied "Just for  tonight,
let's pretend that we're  married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!", he  exclaimed.

"Good", she replied "Get  your own f….ing blanket."

After a moment of  silence,
he farted.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 07, 2012, 12:04:41 PM
Billt deserves this one after the groaner he posted  ;D

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a
gorgeous Blonde sitting at the next table..He had been checking
her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . ..





Wait for it .. .....





It's coming .... .....




The suspense is killing you, isn't it?






She said ... ..:

'You just happened to catch my eye.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on February 08, 2012, 09:11:32 AM
For all of you who have made disparaging remarks about President Obama, please read the following...
   
    I'm sure most of us have read the so-called comparison of Lincoln and Kennedy, but did you ever consider the relationship between Obama and Lincoln? 
    You might be surprised...
   
    Parallels of Abraham Lincoln and Barack Hussein Obama:
   
    1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration. Obama used the same Bible.
   
    2. Lincoln came from Illinois. Obama comes from Illinois.
   
    3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature. Obama served in the Illinois Legislature.
   
    4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President. Obama had very little experience before becoming President.
   
    5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration.  Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration.
   
    6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer.  Obama is a skinny lawyer.
   
    7. Lincoln was a Republican.  Obama is a skinny lawyer.
   
    8. Lincoln was in the United States military.  Obama is a skinny lawyer.
     
    9. Lincoln believed in everyone carrying their own weight.  Obama is a skinny lawyer.
   
    10. Lincoln did not waste taxpayers' money on personal enjoyments.  Obama is a skinny lawyer.
   
    11. Lincoln was highly respected.  Obama is a skinny lawyer.
   
    12. Lincoln was born in the United States.  Obama is a skinny lawyer.
   
    13. Lincoln was honest, so honest he was called Honest Abe.  Obama is a skinny lawyer
   
    14. Lincoln saved the United States.  Obama is a skinny lawyer.
    15. Lincoln reunited a tragically divided country. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
So give the guy some credit:  He doesn't have a weight problem.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on February 08, 2012, 09:15:21 AM
INTERNET WARNING:

If you get an email titled "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi,"
don't open it... It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 08, 2012, 04:51:37 PM
As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure itout.'
So I wrote down:
ID10T
I used to like Eric, the little bastard.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on February 09, 2012, 09:48:29 AM
This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 17 movies you would enjoy the most. It really works..... for MOST of us anyway!


Movie Test:
1. Pick a number from 1-9.
2. Multiply by 3.
3. Add 3.
4. Multiply by 3 again..
5. Now add the two digits of your answer together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 17 movies below:


Movie List:
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Obama farewell speech of 2012
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire

Now, ain't that something..?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Ever wonder why Sharks Circle?

Mystery solved . . .

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me, son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."

And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?  Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on February 09, 2012, 07:27:13 PM


IMPORTANT - HEALTH MESSAGE
 
 
 











As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a care.

 
 
It's the tortoise life for me!
 











 
 
1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
 











2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
 











3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
 











4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.
 





 
 
And you tell me to exercise??
 
I don't think so.
 





I'm retired. Go around me!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on February 10, 2012, 09:29:54 AM
Italians Cornering  ;D

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/405679_3283297646792_1398138947_33220862_1787857563_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on February 10, 2012, 09:41:50 AM
CONDOM FACTORY BURNS DOWN IN NEW ZEALAND

John Keys, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is awoken at 4am by the telephone.

John, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergincy !!

I've jist received word thet the Durex factory en Aucklind hes burned to the ground. It is istimated that the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut !! The economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted baby Lambs.... W'e will be ruined."

Hilth Munister: "We're going to haf to shup some in from Brutain ?"

PM: "No chence. The Poms will have a field day on thus one."

Hilth Munister: "What about Australia ?"

PM: "I'll call Joolia Gillard. Tell her we need one million condoms, ten enches long and four enches thuck. That way they'll continue to respect the 'All Blacks'."

Three days later, a delighted John rushes out to open the boxes that arrived at the Pist Office.

He finds one million condoms - 10 enches long, 4 enches thuck, all coloured green and gold with small writing on each one.

"MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 12, 2012, 05:19:34 PM
Three Cold Eskimos!

There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who indeed had the coldest igloo.

They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid.

"Not bad," said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.

So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor.

"Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo.

But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on February 13, 2012, 03:51:03 AM
Ever wonder what the feathers in an Indian's headdress stood for?

A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian Chief, asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.

"Feathers show number of sexual partners," the chief replied.

Pointing to a nearby young brave, he continued, "Him? One woman, one feather. Him?", pointing to a second, older man, "Three women, three feathers."

The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many feathers!"

The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall."

Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung!"

The Chief said, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake."

The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!"

The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!"

The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!"

"No deer," said the Chief. "Ass too high, run too fast."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on February 13, 2012, 09:45:11 AM
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I
take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the
garage.."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."  He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on February 14, 2012, 04:56:11 PM
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steve Cover on February 15, 2012, 12:57:23 AM
The Pope in Alaska

On a tour of Alaska, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains for some sightseeing.
He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" T-shirt, and a tree hugger Hat, was struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the jaws of a 10 foot grizzly.

As the pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up.
One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest.
The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding semiconscious Democrat from the bear.
Then using long clubs, the three loggers beat the bear to death and hauled it to their truck.

Immediately the Pope summoned them to come over.
"I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between loggers and environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that that is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope," another replied, "he's in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all God's wisdom, but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting.....
By the way, is the bait holding up okay or do we need to go back to town and grab another one?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steve Cover on February 15, 2012, 12:58:29 AM
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.

Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!
Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steve Cover on February 15, 2012, 12:59:09 AM
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says, "That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steve Cover on February 15, 2012, 12:59:48 AM
A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No." Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear: "No, I Norwegian."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on February 15, 2012, 01:19:07 AM
Try now!
Thank you!! I'm sure it took me 10+ minutes to read because I couldn't see from the tears.. Probably woke my wife up too..
THANK YOU..
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 17, 2012, 08:20:24 PM
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for example...
 
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom.
Did you say ‘hello’?”
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on February 25, 2012, 06:26:19 PM
Where's mauler when you need him?

(http://i.imgur.com/CCdMK.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on February 25, 2012, 09:36:52 PM
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend
trip to Louisiana.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and
the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,
having a great time, when one of them realized she
hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She
decided to go up and investigate..

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the
Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road,
clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles..
The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...
'YEAH SURE, YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER' !!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on February 28, 2012, 03:34:25 PM
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,
wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or
this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: GASPASSERDELUXE on February 28, 2012, 04:40:00 PM
Isn't It Ironic?
 
The food stamp program, managed by the Department of Agriculture, is pleased to be distributing food stamps to more than 46 million people in the USA .
 
Meanwhile, the Park Service, also managed by the Department of Agriculture, threatens to prosecute those who "Feed Wild Animals" because the animals may grow dependent upon us and not take care of themselves
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on February 28, 2012, 05:44:28 PM
This is the JOKE thread, GasPasser... ;D ;D

Well, I guess the Sad Truth can be draw a chuckle or a tear.....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steve Cover on February 29, 2012, 04:18:50 PM
Available NOW!!! Tacticool Beer Mug

http://www.geekologie.com/2012/02/tactical-beer-mug-with-scope-mounts-ar-1.php

You need at least four.

Setve
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on March 03, 2012, 07:26:01 AM
Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea , two prawns were swimming around,
one was called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted.  Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.  Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin began to realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. So he approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail )
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. 'Where's Christian?" he asked.  'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.   As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'

Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not.
That was the old me.
I've changed.'.........

 

 

 

 

 

.

'I've found Cod.

 

I'm a Prawn again Christian'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on March 03, 2012, 11:22:30 AM
That was pretty good, weird, but good!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on March 04, 2012, 07:27:04 AM
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff:  spilled milk and pennies saved.  But then the teacher realized,
much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am.  My daddy told me a story about my Mummy.  She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm,
and her plane got hit.  She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey,
a pistol, and a survival knife.



She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed
her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher.  What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't f**k with Mummy when she's been on the piss."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on March 04, 2012, 07:29:40 AM
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop! right on his twitchy little nose.

'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over
you, but I'm blind and can't see.'

'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was
my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't
see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'

'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've
never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and
cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose.
You must be a bunny rabbit!'

The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished,
the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls…

You must be a Democrat
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on March 05, 2012, 09:51:53 AM
Two Idaho Boys were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy, "what is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind.
 Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.'
Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 05, 2012, 10:53:27 AM
Senior Moments... Brain farts!~~


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on March 06, 2012, 10:59:08 PM
From a friend in Northern California




I am sure it will put a smile on your face . . . . ENJOY

I got this from my sister who is the genealogist in our family.
It's quite amusing BUT I am not sure if it is reliable.

My sister, who is a professional genealogy researcher in Southern California.
 She was doing some work on a friends family tree.
 
She discovered that Senator Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. It seems that both her friend and Harry Reid shared this common ancestor.
 
The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory:

On the back of the picture obtained during her research is this inscription:
'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'
 
So she decided to e-mail Senator Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.
 
-----------------------
 Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:
 
Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad.
 Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.
 In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency.
In 1889 Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
 
NOW THAT is how it's done, Folks! --- That is REAL POLITICAL SPIN!!
 Real or not it sure illustrates what is coming out of Washington DC very well . . . .

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on March 09, 2012, 09:48:26 AM
THE TOP 31 THINGS THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

31. When I retire, I'm movin' north.

30 Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.

29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

28. Duct tape won't fix that.

27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken

26. We don't keep firearms in this house.

25. You can't feed that to the dog.

24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

23. Wrestling is fake.

22. We're vegetarians.

21. Do you think my gut is too big?

20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

19. Honey, we don't need another dog.

18. Who cares who won the Civil War?

17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

14 Trim the fat off that steak.

13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

12. The tires on that truck are too big.

11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.

10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

9. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

7. Checkmate

6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

4. I don't have a favorite college team.

3. You Guys.

2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:


1. Nope, no more beer for me. I'm driving a whole bus load of us down to
re-elect OBAMA!


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 13, 2012, 06:10:14 AM
A circus owner runs an ad for lion tamer and two people show up.

One is a good looking old retired golfer in his late sixties and
the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it.
This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you two
had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment --
chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge at her. About half way there,
she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking
her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes
and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.

He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life.."
 He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies,
"No problem, just get that damn lion out of the way."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on March 13, 2012, 07:28:35 AM

Missing Wife Found by Alaska State Troopers

The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the troopers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkens exclaimed.

The troopers looked at each other.

One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad News
first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we
found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."

"Oh my God!", exclaimed Wilkens.

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's
the great news?"

The trooper replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on March 13, 2012, 07:30:00 AM
Two guys are out one day golfing. One slices off to the right, one hooks off to the left and they both go to retrieve their balls.

The guy on the right is hacking and hacking at the ball but just can't lift it out of the buttercups it has become lodged in.

All of a sudden, up from the ground comes Mother Nature and is she pissed!

"What the hell are you doing to my beautiful buttercups?" she asks.

"I'm just trying to get my golf ball out of them, lady", replies the golfer.

"Well, you are really making me mad. Just look what you've done to my buttercups. For this I must punish you. Your punishment will be an entire year without butter!!"

The golfer starts laughing hysterically which by now has just about worn out Mother Nature's patience. "What in the hell do you think is so funny about no butter for a year?" she screams at him.

"I'm not laughing about that - I'm laughing about my friend over there whacking the hell out of your pussy willows!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on March 13, 2012, 07:34:28 AM
I met a young lady in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us. She did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we lay making love, I thought, man, "These taser guns are well worth the money"

My daughter's just walked into the living room and said 'cancel my allowance, trash my bedroom, throw all my clothes out the window, take my front door and car keys away and kick me out of the house'. Well she didn't actualy put it like that - she said 'Dad, say hello to Mohammed'

Was just about to leave the house for the pub when the missus yells out she'd found a pair of crotchless knickers and had put them on.
I didn't have the heart to tell the fat bitch she had one of my singlets on.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on March 15, 2012, 01:50:26 PM
An Arab enters a taxi..........

Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the infidel's and certainly no radio.

So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens the back door.

The Arab asks him: “What are you doing man?”

The cabby answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis.
So get out and wait for a camel.”
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 15, 2012, 03:57:39 PM
An Arab enters a taxi..........

Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the infidel's and certainly no radio.

So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens the back door.

The Arab asks him: “What are you doing man?”

The cabby answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis.
So get out and wait for a camel.”

That doesn't make much sense, over here the Muslim would be driving the taxi.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on March 16, 2012, 12:17:40 PM

IRISH CATHOLIC CONFESSION

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest. 'Go and say ten Hail Mary's'

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,....'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'..
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on March 16, 2012, 06:58:12 PM
Jay went to a psychiatrist. “Doc, he said, “I’ve got trouble.

Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it.

I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it.

Top, under, under top. I’m going crazy!”

“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink.

“Come to me three times a week and I’ll cure you.”

“How much do you charge?”

“A hundred dollars per visit.”

“I’ll think about it.”

Jay never went back. Some time later he met the doctor on the street.

“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again? Asked the psychiatrist.

“For a hundred buck a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars.”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on March 17, 2012, 12:01:28 PM
Golf Ethics Question

This is a tough one!

What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes.
You had the honor and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin.
       
Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway. Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match."

You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found it!". The second sound you hear is a smack, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.
         
Now here is the ethical dilemma:
Do you pull the cheating bastard’s ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on March 17, 2012, 06:24:21 PM
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked hisdrive into the woods. Looking for his ball,
he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
... 'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked. 'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.
'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'
'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything,
I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.' And the golfer walks off.
'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'
A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye,
how's yer golf game?'
'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'
'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'
'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'
C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.
How many times a week?'
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'
'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 26, 2012, 01:02:57 PM
Walter
   
Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and Obama asks him his name.

" Walter," responds the little boy.
 
"And what is your question, Walter?"

"I have 4 questions:

First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress? Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually worse? Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching's and beliefs? Fourth, why are we so worried about Brazil drilling for oil, but we aren't allowed to?"
 
Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time. Who has a question?"
 
Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

Actually, I have 6 questions.
 
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress? Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually worse? Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching's and beliefs? Fourth, why are we so worried about Brazil drilling for oil, but we aren't allowed to? Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And sixth, what the hell happened to Walter ?"
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: lhprop1 on March 27, 2012, 04:31:25 PM
President Obama and Prime Minister David Cameron are sitting in a bar. 
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Obama and Cameron sitting over there?
"The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honour!
What are you guys doing in here?"
Obama says, "We're planning WW III."
 
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Obama says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?  Why are you going to kill a blonde with big tits?"

Obama turns to Brown and says, "See, I told you. 

No one cares about the 140 million Muslims!"

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 28, 2012, 12:00:50 PM
A Liberal, Moderate and Conservative walk into a bar........................

Bartender says, "What can I get you, Mitt?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on April 01, 2012, 05:32:24 PM
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak; but, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic...and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until the first Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The neighbors called the Priest immediately, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and preparing to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:

"You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on April 02, 2012, 12:09:55 AM

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:

"You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

I stole this and posted it on FB. In a few hours it's gone from KY to OK. Don't be surprised if you see it floating around this week.. (and thank you...)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on April 10, 2012, 01:39:43 PM
An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on April 11, 2012, 11:27:20 AM
The Air Force found they had too many  officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any  officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch  measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The  officer got to choose what those two points would  be.

The first  officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to  the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a  bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little  smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to  his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a  grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured  replied,
 'From  the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might  want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two  Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go  along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical  Officer.

The  Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he  did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's  weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly  exclaimed,
 ''Where  are your testicles?''
The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam   ''.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 14, 2012, 09:02:23 AM
  I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few. I noticed two large women by the bar.

 

 They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey are you two ladies from Scotland?"

 

 One of them chirped: "It's Wales you friggin ' idiot!"

 

 So I immediately apologized and said...,

 

"Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?". . . .

 

 Then the lights went out...............
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on April 17, 2012, 09:07:16 AM
The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with keeping us safe.

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city
governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me .

And there you are, sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on April 17, 2012, 09:21:59 AM
It's that time again... The Darwin Awards are finally
 out, the annual honor given to the persons who did the gene
 pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most
 extraordinarily stupid way.
 
 
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a
 Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was
 attempting to tip a free soda out.

 
This year's winner was a real rocket scientist....
 HONEST!
 
 
Read on...And remember that each and every one of these is
 a TRUE STORY.
 
 
And the nominees were:
 
Semifinalist #1
 
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk
 cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol,
 mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction
 made him ill, and he rushed to vomit into the fireplace in
 his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his
 house down, killing both him and his unfortunate sister.
 
Semifinalist #2
 
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low
 altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they
 decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost
 control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all
 found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their
 ankles (HARD to control light airplanes when everyone moves
 to one side).
 
Semifinalist #3
 
A 22-year-old Reston , VA  man was found dead after he
 tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot
 rail road trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a
 fast food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together,
 wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to
 the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the
 pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said
 investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was
 found nearby. 'The length of the cord that he had
 assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle
 and the ground,' Carmichael said. Police say the
 apparent cause of death was 'Major trauma.'
 
Semifinalist #4
 
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that
 he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the
 rattlesnake as a ball. The friend -- no doubt a future
 Darwin Awards candidate -- was hospitalized.
 
Semifinalist #5
 
Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed
 the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the
 building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition;
 lights, power, etc.
 
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from
 the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building,
 they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark.. To
 their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses
 later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching
 into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a
 cigarette lighter.
 
Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the
 warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles
 away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter
 was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician
 suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as
 ''bright'' by his peers.
 
Now, to the winner of this year's Darwin Award
 
(awarded, as always, posthumously):
 
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering
 metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road
 at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of
 an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was
 unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally
 pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist ...
 had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take
 Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give
 heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for
 taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy
 Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight
 stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car,
 jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!
 
The facts as best as could be determined are that the
 operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a
 distance of approximately 3..0 miles from the crash site.
 This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at
 that location.
 
The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum
 thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds
 well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for
 an additional 20-25 seconds.
 
The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced
 G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under
 full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the
 remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on
 the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds)
 before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes,
 blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road
 surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles
 and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving
 a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the
 driver's remains were not recoverable. However, small
 fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the
 crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a
 piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering
 wheel.
 
Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a
 ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his
 voyage was not actually on the ground.
 
 
You couldn't make this stuff up, could you?
 
 
AND PEOPLE JUST LIKE THIS ARE ALL AROUND US TODAY -
 
 
AND THEY BREED & VOTE 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 17, 2012, 09:35:10 AM
You couldn't make this stuff up, could you?
 
 
AND PEOPLE JUST LIKE THIS ARE ALL AROUND US TODAY -
 
 
AND THEY BREED & VOTE 

[/quote]

These don't.
Not any more.
The Dems are going to miss them.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ichiban on April 17, 2012, 06:47:46 PM
Jeez!  That JATO bottle story is older than most board member here.

It's even been on Myth Busters.



Also see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/JATO_Rocket_Car (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/JATO_Rocket_Car)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 17, 2012, 08:52:10 PM
That doesn't mean that a dip in the road would not have launched the car.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on April 18, 2012, 09:30:41 AM
I don't think it would be very likely that the car would go straight for very long.

Jet airplanes are designed for doing that and they still need to be "trimmed" to maintain a steady flight path.

I don't think the aerodynamics of a '67 Impala are quite up to that job.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 18, 2012, 11:25:06 AM
I don't think it would be very likely that the car would go straight for very long.

Jet airplanes are designed for doing that and they still need to be "trimmed" to maintain a steady flight path.

I don't think the aerodynamics of a '67 Impala are quite up to that job.

Once it leaves the ground it's pure ballistics.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ichiban on April 18, 2012, 07:00:20 PM
Once it leaves the ground it's pure ballistics.

As the F4 pilots used to say "with a big enough engine even a brick will fly."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on April 19, 2012, 09:18:20 AM
As the F4 pilots used to say "with a big enough engine even a brick will fly."

True.  A rock will fly.   But not towards where it was pointed for very long.   That is why ballistic missiles look like, well, missiles rather than bricks.   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: lhprop1 on April 19, 2012, 09:19:15 AM

AND THEY BREED & VOTE 



These don't.
Not any more.
The Dems are going to miss them.

Being dead makes them more likely to vote democrat.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on April 19, 2012, 05:55:47 PM
A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the chicken farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.. I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the chicken farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 22, 2012, 02:44:39 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on April 25, 2012, 09:35:28 AM
After Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on April 25, 2012, 09:39:37 AM
A Cowboy walks into a drug store.............


Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.

Cashier: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?

Cowboy: NAH ... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 25, 2012, 10:20:52 PM

A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with
“tor” that ate things.

The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."

The second boy said, "Predator."
“Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word
Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."

“ Well my Sister has one and she says it eats f***ing batteries like
there's no tomorrow!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on April 25, 2012, 10:36:14 PM
TOO FUNNY!!  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on April 28, 2012, 07:50:34 PM
A woman was standing in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of telling her that her breasts looked fine he instead gives her a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, you should take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them every day for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, she fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," her husband replies.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger?" she asked.

Without missing a beat he says I don't see why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on April 30, 2012, 02:06:03 AM
A mother in law said to her son's wife when the baby was born

"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son"

 

The daughter in law lifted her skirt and said:

"I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy,

not a f@@king photo copier



SCHOOL ASSIGNMENT !!!!!!
The kids filed back into class Monday morning.
They were very excited.Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk onproductive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she saidproudly, "My sales approach was to
appeal to the customer's civil spiritand I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher. Little Mary was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Mary" said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467,"  he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher,
"What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher,
"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody
who walked by a free sample."They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"
ThenI would say, "It is dog shit. Wanna' buy a toothbrush?"
"I used the OBAMA approach of giving you something shitty for Free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on April 30, 2012, 02:07:35 AM
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
 
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
 
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I live close so it's a short drive.
 
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not much on physical activity anymore.
 
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
 
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
 
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
 
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
 
And sometimes I think I am in Vincible, but life shows me I am not.
 
People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before!
 
I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there. I actually kind of enjoy it there.
 
So far, I haven't been in Continent; but my travel agent says I'll be going there soon.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 30, 2012, 10:39:30 AM
LEXOPHILES: WHOEVER PUT THIS  TOGETHER LOVES LANGUAGE:
 
To write with a broken  pencil is pointless.
 
When fish are in schools they sometimes  take debate.
 
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve  months.
 
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
 
The professor discovered that her theory of  earthquakes was on shaky ground.
 
The batteries were given out  free of charge.
 
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought  tooth and nail.
 
A will is a dead giveaway.
 
If you  don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
 
With her  marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
 
Show me a piano  falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
 
You  are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
 
Local Area  Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
 
A boiled egg is hard  to beat.
 
When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a  mall.
 
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old  was resisting a rest.
 
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole  left side was cut off? He's all right now.
 
If you take a laptop  computer for a run you could jog your memory.
 
A bicycle can't  stand alone; it is two tired.
 
In a democracy it's your vote  that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
 
When a  clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
 
The guy who fell  onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
 
He had a  photographic memory which was never developed.
 
Those who get  too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
 
When she  saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd  dye.
 
Acupuncture: a jab well  done.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on April 30, 2012, 07:02:54 PM
Was just talkin crap with the mrs when she asked "Where would you like to be buried?"





"Nuts deep in your sister" was the wrong answer
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on April 30, 2012, 07:03:34 PM
People can be so easy to read.
Like if their face is red, they're embarrassed.
Or if their skin is brown, they're about to commit a crime.....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 30, 2012, 08:36:53 PM
People can be so easy to read.
Like if their face is red, they're embarrassed.
Or if their skin is brown, they're about to commit a crime.....

I take it you would have shot Trayvon Martin .    ;D
You should post that to the "riots" thread.  I'm sure Ulmas would appreciate your insight.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on May 01, 2012, 09:14:56 AM
I take it you would have shot Trayvon Martin .    ;D
You should post that to the "riots" thread.  I'm sure Ulmas would appreciate your insight.   ;D


hmmmm probably wouldnt like my opinion much either.  ;D

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on May 01, 2012, 11:50:20 AM
 
Sally Mulligan of Coral Springs , Florida decided to take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.

(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/lemonpicker.jpg)

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.  She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have! I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers, and voted for Obama." 

 

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on May 01, 2012, 12:58:15 PM
Did you know
The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner

Here's a little fact for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --
Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on May 01, 2012, 01:01:56 PM
A woman was standing in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of telling her that her breasts looked fine he instead gives her a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, you should take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them every day for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, she fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," her husband replies.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger?" she asked.

Without missing a beat he says I don't see why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on May 01, 2012, 01:07:47 PM
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
_________________
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on May 01, 2012, 08:40:26 PM
In honor of the 44th President of the United States , Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: " Barocky Road ." Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow. The cost is $92.84 per scoop...so out of a hundred dollar bill you are at least promised some CHANGE..! When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but after you pay for it, the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you at no charge. You are left with an almost empty wallet, staring at an empty cone and wondering what just happened. Then you realize this is what "redistribution of wealth" is all about. Now, aren't you stimulated?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on May 03, 2012, 10:20:40 AM
In 1272, the Arabic Islamic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat.



 ;)
Don't thank me, I do this as a public service for the advancement of Education.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on May 04, 2012, 09:35:51 AM
  If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!
 
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.  The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.  On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.  The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"  A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"  The CEO said, "Wait right here."  He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay.  Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
 
 


__._,_.___
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on May 04, 2012, 09:42:18 AM
(http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/4064834_460s_v1.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on May 04, 2012, 09:46:41 AM
(http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/4065526_460s_v1.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on May 10, 2012, 05:26:09 AM
Beer contains female hormones.

Last month, Sydney University and CSIRO scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :
1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally.

8 Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.



explains Philw's MOOBS!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on May 10, 2012, 05:54:22 AM
Beer contains female hormones.

Last month, Sydney University and CSIRO scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :
1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally.

8 Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.



explains Philw's MOOBS!!

GAGF
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on May 10, 2012, 12:31:44 PM
Rules for Rednecks

GENERAL

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's  considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the  bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are  included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the  funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that  you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the  vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your  fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A  centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a  taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table--no matter how good  his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned  regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck  keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.  However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.  

3. Dirt and  grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a  woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the  Family) - RULES FOR GUYS


1. Always offer to bait your date's hook,  especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're  interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the  bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is  expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday". If the latter  is the answer, it is YOUR responsibility to get her to school on time.


THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the  lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. 2. Refrain from  talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear  you.

WEDDINGS


1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a  wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you  shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a  cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. 4. Though  uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special  occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching  vehicles--Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. 2. When  approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the  right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4.  When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her  to bring back beer. 5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral  procession.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on May 11, 2012, 04:12:51 PM
For twyacht and deepwater.............................. ;D



An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.  He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.  He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing ?'
 
The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
 
'Three knots'? He asks. 'What's that supposed to mean ?'
 
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and your knot getting your money back.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on May 14, 2012, 02:39:43 PM
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."




The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"



And God saw it was good.


On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."



The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"


And God, again saw it was good.



On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."




The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"





And God agreed it was good.



On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."






But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"




"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."



So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.



Life has now been explained to you.



There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me, I will be on the front porch.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on May 14, 2012, 11:32:24 PM
Women are so sweet....

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'   

"Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on May 15, 2012, 04:55:33 AM
True Story.
This past Mother's Day the family went out to a local favorite restaurant where we had a waiter that obviously had a former career and now was forced to wait tables for a living. He was fumbly and awkward, but pleasant. We had my 90 year old mother-in law and her son, my brother-in law, along on the trip.
My brother in law tends to get "happy" pretty quickly at such events, and started ribbing the waiter, who occasionally came back at him with decent retorts, while still maintaining respect for his customers. He was asking my MIL how she was enjoying Mother's Day, and she was saying she was out with her family and her son. My BIL says, "Yeah, I'm her son", blah blah blah, and the waiter leans over to my MIL and says, "Don't worry, dear, EVERYONE makes some mistakes in their life".  The whole table exploded and we declared the waiter the winner.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on May 15, 2012, 07:25:39 AM
A boy walks in on his folks havin sex and says "Dad, Whatcha doin?"
"We're making you a little brotther or sister" his dad replies...to which the little angel says....


"Do her doggie, I want a puppy"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on May 15, 2012, 10:00:27 AM
True Story.
This past Mother's Day the family went out to a local favorite restaurant where we had a waiter that obviously had a former career and now was forced to wait tables for a living. He was fumbly and awkward, but pleasant. We had my 90 year old mother-in law and her son, my brother-in law, along on the trip.
My brother in law tends to get "happy" pretty quickly at such events, and started ribbing the waiter, who occasionally came back at him with decent retorts, while still maintaining respect for his customers. He was asking my MIL how she was enjoying Mother's Day, and she was saying she was out with her family and her son. My BIL says, "Yeah, I'm her son", blah blah blah, and the waiter leans over to my MIL and says, "Don't worry, dear, EVERYONE makes some mistakes in their life".  The whole table exploded and we declared the waiter the winner.

That reminded me of a friend I had in high school.

He told me that every year on his birthday someone sent his mother a anonymous sympathy card.  He said it had been going on since he was in grade school.

I laughed and said it seemed like someone was playing a ongoing prank.  He was not at all amused by it and became pretty aggravated just thinking about it.

Seems like a joke to me...but I guess it might be some subtle revenge also  ;D ;D

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on May 18, 2012, 08:08:29 AM
    While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: "Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are fine. Now let me see that cute little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

    The lady immediately started taking off her clothes.....
     
    Doctor, stopping her said: "No! No! Please put on your clothes. Just show me your tongue."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on May 19, 2012, 07:46:52 AM
    While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: "Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are fine. Now let me see that cute little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

    The lady immediately started taking off her clothes.....
     
    Doctor, stopping her said: "No! No! Please put on your clothes. Just show me your tongue."



LOL!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on May 21, 2012, 07:45:05 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on May 27, 2012, 10:36:15 PM
A Father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye        Grandpa."

 

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?

 

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

 

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

 

The next day the grandmother died.

 

"Holy smokes" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

 

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:

 

"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

 

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock He figured        if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

 

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late.. What's the matter?"

 

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

 

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on May 29, 2012, 07:29:49 AM
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to
the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper
Peninsula of Michigan .

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk
shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all
that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would
all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to
convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found
him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.
So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of
God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to
give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both
legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you
KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And
then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him
and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as
a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

One week later ....  The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi,
who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs
and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, I probably shouldn't have
started with the circumcision."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on May 30, 2012, 03:01:18 PM
After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart, it’s Eric.  I’m on the train – yes, I know it’s the six thirty train and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting – no, honey, not with that floozy from the accounts office, with the boss.  No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life – yes, I’m sure, cross my heart” etc., etc.

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice:  “Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!”

Eric doesn’t use his cell phone in public any longer.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on May 30, 2012, 04:39:17 PM
tom, LMFAO as long as it's Eric and not me!

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on June 01, 2012, 06:05:34 AM
Pete & amy were walking home from the pub. Amy says "i need a piss" goes behind the bush & drops her knickers. Feeling horny, pete puts his hand through the bush & feel something dangling between amys legs, he jokes "have you changed your sex?" amy says "no, i've changed my mind, i'm having a shit!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on June 04, 2012, 04:55:44 AM

Mechanics in Louisville, Kentucky.  One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dick said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dick wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dick says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Dick says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'

'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in Tennessee '
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steve Cover on June 08, 2012, 01:57:03 PM
Occupy Golf Movement

I am a member of golf's lower 99%.

I am an indifferent golfer, and there's no way I could ever make it to the professional level.
I will never put in the practice time to be the best. I will never have the shots, skills, or mental toughness to make it in the sport. I just never felt like working all that hard at it.
However, I am a part of the golfing community and, as such, feel I should be paid by the top 1% of golfers for what I do.
It isn't fair that those players who have worked harder, have studied the game, have better equipment and are more skilled and dedicated should make all that BIG money.

Where's my share? I'm a Victim!

The top 1% should pay for my club memberships and green fees and lessons, buy me new clubs, balls, clothes and shoes, and pay me some of their winnings.
They can afford it.
They are "The Rich".
The whole system should be changed to accommodate people like me.
I think we should get together and occupy a golf course (I want to set my tent up on the 19th hole) and demand that those who are better at what they do, pay for us who generally suck.
Whining should get us something - maybe we'll make the cover of Time Magazine, garner some public sympathy.
Why, during this election year, we may even get a law or two passed by legislators who want our votes.

PS. Don't mention this to tennis players. We thought of it first.

That's about the size of it.

Steve
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on June 08, 2012, 03:49:09 PM
Two Aboriginals were riding along the highway on a motorbike.

They broke down and started trying to hitch a lift.
A friendly trucker (Wilko) stopped to see if he could help and they asked  him for a lift.
He told them he had no room in the rig because he was carrying 20,000 lawn bowls.
The Aboriginals put it to Wilko that if they could manage to fit in the back with their bike, would he give them a lift, and he relented.
They managed to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so Wilko shut the doors and got off on his way.
By this time he was really late and so pushed his foot down hard.
Sure Enough the Highway Patrol pulled him over for speeding.

The good officer asked Wilko what he was carrying to which he replied  jokingly-- Indigenous eggs'.
The Highway Patrol Officer obviously didn't believe this so wanted to take a look for himself.
He opened the back door and quickly slammed it shut it and locked it & broke into a sweat !! 

Then he got onto his radio and called for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.
The dispatcher asked what emergency there was that required so many officers.

'I've got a wagon with 20,000 ABBO eggs in it !!!!!! & 2 have hatched and the bastards have managed to steal a motorbike already'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 08, 2012, 06:57:41 PM
Steve, I just sent that out as if it were a serious political demand to my liberal acquaintances.
I have no liberal "friends".
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steve Cover on June 08, 2012, 09:16:49 PM
Steve, I just sent that out as if it were a serious political demand to my liberal acquaintances.
I have no liberal "friends".
So Did I .... Hee Hee

Steve
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on June 10, 2012, 04:58:39 PM
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua .  As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink.."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there.  We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no   pets allowed."
 
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.  This is my
seeing-eye dog."
> The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
> The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
>
>
> The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
> The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
>
> Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
>
> The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"
>
> The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
>
> The woman with the Chihuahua said, “A Chihuahua ? They gave me a f***ing Chihuahua?!"
>

>
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: FSBARAK on June 11, 2012, 07:22:18 PM
A bit long, but wth.


A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped
empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way
the production line was set up, and people with experience in
designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to
have everything happen with timings so precise that every single
unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time.

Small variations in the environment which can't be controlled in a
cost-effective fashion mean you must have quality assurance checks
smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the
way down to the supermarket don't get pissed off and buy another
product instead.

Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste
factory got the top people in the company together and they
decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an
external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem,
as their engineering department was already too stretched to take
on any extra effort.

The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor
allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months and $8
million later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget,
high quality and everyone in the project had a great time. They
solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would
sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh
less than it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk
over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button
when done to re-start the line.

A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the
project: Amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the
factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer
complaints, and they were gaining market share.

"That's some money well spent!" he says, before looking closely
at the other statistics in the report. It turns out, the number
of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of
production use. It should've been picking up at least a dozen a day,
so maybe there was something wrong with the report.

He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the
engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The
scales really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes
that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.

Puzzled, the CEO travels down to the factory, and walks up to the
part of the line where the precision scales were installed. A few
feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing the empty
boxes off of the belt and into a bin.

"Oh, that," says one of the workers, "One of the guys put it there
'cause he was tired of walking over there every time the bell rang."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on June 12, 2012, 08:28:08 AM
Cletus & Billy Bob

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap
in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front
of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides
off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.. He then
hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his
overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his
stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from
his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya
doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an
obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom
d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to
a tractor."

(Don't make me come splain this to you! Read the last line again, slowly.)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 12, 2012, 06:10:08 PM
A few days ago an old friend sent me a 'Vietnam Veteran' cap. I never had one of these before, and I was pretty hyped about it, especially because my friend was considerate enough to take the time to give it to me.

Yesterday, I wore it when I went to Walmart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment. But, I digress...enough of my psychological fixations.

While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Viet Nam Vet?"

"No," I replied.

"Then why are you wearing that cap?"

"Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812."

I thought it was a snappy retort.

"The War of 1812, huh?" the Walmartian queried, "When was that?"

God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity.

"1936," I answered as straight-faced as possible.
 
He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they  call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"

"It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it."

This was beginning to be way fun!

"Dude! Really?" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"

I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."
 
"Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"
 
"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage."
 
The moron nodded knowingly.
 
"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still 'top secret' and I shouldn't have said anything."
 
"Oh yeah?" he gave me the 'don't threaten me look.'
 
"Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"

With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?"
 
The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack, she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.

After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman.  Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture . He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.

What a great time!

Tomorrow I'm going back with a Homeland Security cap.

Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of cap!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on June 12, 2012, 06:58:29 PM
Original Chinese Proverb
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day....Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.

2012 Update
Give a man a welfare check, a free cell phone with unlimited free minutes, cash for his clunker, food stamps, section 8 housing, free contraceptives, Medicaid, a hundred weeks of unemployment, a forty ounce malt liquor, free drugs and Air Jordan shoes, and he will vote Democratic for life.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 12, 2012, 09:43:11 PM
Gunman, You must be chastised,you got the proverb wrong.
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, teach a man to fish and he will drink beer all day"  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on June 13, 2012, 09:13:13 AM
Gunman, You must be chastised,you got the proverb wrong.
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, teach a man to fish and he will drink beer all day"  ;D

The moral being,    "If you teach a man to fish, teach him how to home brew too."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 13, 2012, 10:06:00 AM
The moral being,    "If you teach a man to fish, teach him how to home brew too."

And play the banjo ?   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 13, 2012, 10:07:21 AM
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.
"But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled , "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied.............
"Get him Spike!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: GASPASSERDELUXE on June 14, 2012, 09:41:42 AM
http://www.wimp.com/russiaride/


 THIS IS A RUSSIAN AMUSEMENT? PARK RIDE. HOPE YOU HAVE A STRONG STOMACH.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on June 14, 2012, 12:41:13 PM
Never quite saw it this way - but, it's an interesting assessment...

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
Therefore, one might conclude, there must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 14, 2012, 01:20:13 PM
http://www.wimp.com/russiaride/


 THIS IS A RUSSIAN AMUSEMENT? PARK RIDE. HOPE YOU HAVE A STRONG STOMACH.

They had one of those at the Georgia Fair years ago. I convinced both my boys and a nephew to get on it. When they got off, two threw up and none would speak to me for several hours........and I couldn't stop laughing.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on June 14, 2012, 07:17:53 PM

A man is sitting in a Saloon in Lexington, Kentucky, and was far from home
when Barack Obama comes on TV. The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is
a horse's ass."

Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking him off his bar stool, then stomps out.



He gets back up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer.

Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and says
"She is a horse's ass too!"
Out of nowhere, another local punches him in the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.

He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I take it this is Obama country?"

"Nope, replies the bartender, "Horse country."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on June 15, 2012, 10:31:16 AM
Stolen from Neal Boortz...

Hoodies at the Pearly Gates

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing hoodies arrive.  St. Peter looked out through the  Gates and said, "Wait here. I’ll be right back."
 
St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.  God says to Peter: "How
many times do I have to tell you--you can't be racist and judgmental here. This is heaven.  All are loved.  All are
brothers. Go back and let them in!"

St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh.  He returns to God's chambers and
says,"Well, they're gone."

“The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.

"No. The Pearly Gates."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on June 20, 2012, 07:49:24 PM
Little Johnny


The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.

Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good", said the teacher.

Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" Then I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment. Bless his heart.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 25, 2012, 05:56:07 PM
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 25, 2012, 07:24:07 PM
I love southern humor!!!!

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural  Kentucky.
Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.
By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a
burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no
remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far
away as if nothing had happened.
They hurried over to the man's tractor.
"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this
terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the
tractor's engine.
"Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of
the  United States   ?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?"
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done
buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."
"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked.
"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.
"He kept a-saying he wasn't... But you know how bad that sumbitch lies...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 25, 2012, 08:56:40 PM
CAR KEYS

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I
desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.
I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets.
A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.
Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys
in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
His theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst
through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.
His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

�I immediately called the police. I gave them my location,
confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been
stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I
stammered; I always call him "honey" in times like these.
"I left my keys in the car and it has been stolen."

�There was a period of silence. I thought the call had
been dropped, but then I heard his voice.
"Are you kiddin' me", he barked, "I dropped you off"!!!!!!!

�Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said,
"Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman
I have not stolen your car."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on June 25, 2012, 09:02:31 PM
I love southern humor!!!!

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural  Kentucky.
Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.
By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a
burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no
remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far
away as if nothing had happened.
They hurried over to the man's tractor.
"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this
terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the
tractor's engine.
"Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of
the  United States   ?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?"
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done
buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."
"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked.
"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.
"He kept a-saying he wasn't... But you know how bad that sumbitch lies...
Monty Python (imagine the english accents)..."Bring out y'r dead...
'But I'm not dead yet".
"You will be soon"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 26, 2012, 09:16:30 AM
I learned how to use my credit card the hard  way:
 
 
                         

       My  trip to the grocery
           
     There  was a bit of confusion at the store this morning.  When  I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier
said,  "Strip down, facing me."
     
     Making  a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland  Security running amok, I did just as she had  instructed.
     
     When  the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I  found out that she was referring to my credit  card.
     
     I  have been asked to shop elsewhere in the  future.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 26, 2012, 03:29:27 PM
YOU ARE PROBABLY NOT VERY INTERESTED IN ANY USED FARM EQUIPMENT BUT YOU MIGHT ENJOY THIS AD TAKEN FROM CRAIGS LIST.

FIFTY YEAR OLD MANURE SPREADER - $1 (WASHINGTON, D.C.)

Fifty-year old manure spreader, not sure of brand, said to have been produced in Kenya.
Used for a few years in Indonesia before being smuggled into the US via Hawaii, of questionable pedigree, does not appear to have ever been worked hard.
Apparently it was pampered by various owners over the years.
It doesn't work very often, but when it does it can really sling the sh!t for amazing distances.
I am hoping to retire the manure spreader next November.
I really don't want it hanging around getting in the way.
I would prefer a foreign buyer to relocate the manure spreader out of the country.

Location: Currently being stored in a big white house in Washington, D.C.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on June 27, 2012, 10:05:13 PM
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a three incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a three incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over w ith his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor

"We're getting granite counter tops."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on June 30, 2012, 11:26:26 AM
 Six year old Annie returns home from school and says she had her first family planning lesson at school.
 
Her mother, very interested, asks; "How did it go?"
 
"I died of shame!" she answers. "Sam from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.   Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."
 
Her mother answers laughingly, "But that’s no reason to be ashamed."
 
"No, but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on July 01, 2012, 11:17:13 PM
What's in that Can??

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying at the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong?

"I feel terrible, "he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the dead rabbit, bends down and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again; he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves and repeats this again and again, until he hops off out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..... (Are you ready for this?) "Hairspray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave".
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on July 02, 2012, 06:56:20 AM
Forget the Sarcasm Icon, we need a Groan Icon   ;D ;D

I guess we can make do with this one    ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 03, 2012, 01:24:34 PM
A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples' alternate shot tournament at his club.

He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway.

Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife, "Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine."

The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods.

Undaunted, the husband said, "That's OK, Sweetheart" and spent the full five minutes looking for the ball.  He found it just in time, but in a horrible position.  He played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole.  He told his wife to knock the ball in.

His wife then proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker.

Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker.

He took the ball out of the hole and while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey five and that's OK, but I think we can do better on the next hole."

To which she replied, "Listen asshole, don't bitch at me, only 2 of those 5 shots were mine."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on July 03, 2012, 02:07:51 PM
STOLEN!!  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Classic Jokes, Sweet Story!
Post by: Timothy on July 06, 2012, 12:42:31 PM
When we get older we think differently, don't we? This letter was sent to the Principals office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today..

Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Agnes
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on July 07, 2012, 09:01:32 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on July 09, 2012, 07:11:45 PM
A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for 'birth control pills'.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee."Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks.
And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

You gotta love Grandmas!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on July 10, 2012, 12:01:26 PM
Last month a group of bikers were riding west on I-84 when they saw a girl about to jump off a Peoria bridge, so they stopped.

The Harley leader, George, a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After she's finished, George gets approval from his group, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, then says, "Wow!

George says "That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you are wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl"

The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on July 10, 2012, 12:05:43 PM
A Irishman a Mexican a nd a Blonde Guy
Were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said,
"Corned beef and cabbage!
If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch,
I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed,
"Burritos again! If I get Burritos
One more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde guy opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again!
If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a Burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna And jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas ! I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 10, 2012, 07:54:06 PM
How do you tell a Romney supporter from
an Obama supporter?
 

Romney supporters sign their checks on
the front; Obama supporters sign theirs on the
back.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 10, 2012, 07:55:27 PM
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend:
"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."

The other student says:
"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him
and one of the students said to him,
"We're medical students and couldn't help
but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said,
"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."


The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."


So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"


The old man said,
"I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 10, 2012, 07:56:14 PM
Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate exam.
Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.......

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist's desk,
I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,

"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me,
A now very embarrassed man.

But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

The room erupted in applause!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED Guys
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on July 12, 2012, 12:26:36 PM
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President - It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 12, 2012, 01:02:23 PM
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President - It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

Do I detect calculated sarcasm ?
Are you angling for accolades ?    ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on July 12, 2012, 01:48:19 PM
it seems like that's the sum of it all.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on July 17, 2012, 09:00:39 AM
A woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

The taxi driver Ole, who happened to be an old Norwegian man, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab. She said to him: - "What's wrong with you honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old man said:- "Lady, I'm not staring at you, I am telling you, dat vould not be proper vair I come from".

She said: - "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He said:- "Vell, I am looking and I'm looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da heck is dis lady keeping da money to pay for dis ride ?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 17, 2012, 11:37:09 AM
To those of you who are nit-pickers about the  meaning of
words:  there is a medical distinction between Guts  and
Balls.
 
We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but  do
you really know the difference between them?
 
In an effort to keep  you informed, here are the definitions:
 
GUTS  -  is arriving  home late, after a night out
with the
guys, being met by your wife with a  broom, and having the
Guts to ask,  “Are you still cleaning, or are  you
flying
somewhere?”
 
BALLS  - is coming home late after a  night out with the
guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on  your
collar,  and slapping your wife on the butt and having the
Balls  to say, “You're next, Chubby.”
 
I hope this clears up any confusion on the  definitions.
 
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the  outcome.
 
 
Both result in  death.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on July 17, 2012, 12:17:30 PM
... “You're next, Chubby.”
 
...


SNORT!!! Stolen!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 17, 2012, 12:57:22 PM
Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South,
    but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.

     

 

 

 

 

Florida


A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out
of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110,
then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!"
and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked
up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift
ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason
for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off
with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."

 



Louisiana

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."

When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."

 

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

 

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

 


Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

 

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "

***
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 19, 2012, 08:22:05 PM
 Georgie Porgie, Pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry,
and when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them to cause Georgie's gay

Mary had a little lamb
it backed into a pylon
10,000 volts went up it's ass
and now it's wool is nylon

Jack and Jill went up the hill
They each had a buck and a quarter
Jill came down with $2.50
Guess they weren't after water
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on July 20, 2012, 10:41:13 PM
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two Sluts and a future congressman."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on July 24, 2012, 11:04:50 AM
Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)


Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie : No wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.


Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie : You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie : Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie : Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 24, 2012, 12:33:19 PM
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 25, 2012, 11:26:33 AM
Every man wants to leave a legacy­

Something he will be remembered for.


These three certainly left their mark.


Three Legendary Americans

(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/SteveJobs.jpg)

(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/BillClinton.jpg)

(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/BarackObama.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on July 26, 2012, 06:15:49 AM
lol that is good  haha
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 26, 2012, 08:57:05 AM
The liberal I forwarded that to said it offended him when I saw him.
I laughed in his face.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on July 26, 2012, 09:18:40 AM
The liberal I forwarded that to said it offended him when I saw him.
I laughed in his face.  ;D

Send him a link to the video of the Gunny as a therapist.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 26, 2012, 09:32:56 AM
Short answer is he can't get video on the system he uses.
Other wise you bet your butt I would ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 26, 2012, 01:29:03 PM
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining theBuffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they Wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case . Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: GASPASSERDELUXE on July 30, 2012, 03:00:50 PM


The New Democratic Symbol


     

 

     


    The Democratic Party today announced that it is changing its symbol from the Donkey to a Condom because it more accurately reflects the Party's political stance.
    A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!
            It just doesn't get more accurate than that!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 31, 2012, 09:24:23 AM
A young ventriloquist is touring the States and one night, he's doing
a show in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going
through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and
starts shouting,"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.  What
makes you think you can stereotype blonde women that way?  What does
the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human
being?  It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected
at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as
people.  Its people like you that make others think that all blondes
are dumb!  You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination
against not only blondes, but women in general...pathetically all in
the name of
humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this!  I'm talking to that little shit on your lap.."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 31, 2012, 12:53:47 PM

    It all started on March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo. He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort.

    Jim Bowie and the defenders were already there, looking out over the top of the wall. These great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving toward them.

    With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said:

    "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on July 31, 2012, 05:02:26 PM
A Wisconsin farmer named Olie had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney questioned him thus:

'Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"
Olie responded: 'vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust
loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Olie said, 'vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin' down da road.... '

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Olie’s answer and said to the attorney: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie'.

Olie said: 'Tank you' and proceeded. 'vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road vin dis huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch.

By yimminy yahosaphat I vas hurt, purty durn bad, and didn't want to move. An even vurse dan dat,, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now wot da fock vud you say?'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on August 03, 2012, 02:51:38 PM
A woman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell.

The party waiting behind her was a group from the White House that included Obama.

Obama quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.

She thanked him and started to leave, when he said, "I'm President Obama
and I hope you'll vote for me this November."

She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my ass, not my head!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bic on August 04, 2012, 06:45:47 PM
I asked my wife to hand me a newspaper.
She said "Don't be silly, use my iPad."
That spider never freaking knew what hit it
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 05, 2012, 05:21:08 PM
I asked my wife to hand me a newspaper.
She said "Don't be silly, use my iPad."
That spider never freaking knew what hit it


I don't care who you are, that's funny right there!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 05, 2012, 05:21:36 PM
An 80-year-old Iowa Farmer goes to the Mayo clinic in Rochester for
a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How
do you stay in such great physical condition?'

'I'm from Iowa and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish says the
old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before
daylight Feeding Cattle mending fences, Planting, Baling Hay, and when I'm not doing that,
I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is
well.'

'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be
more to it. How old was your father when he died?'

'Who said my Father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your father's
still alive? How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the old Iowan. 'In fact he worked with and
hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the topless bar for a
while and had a little beer and that's why he's still alive. He's a
Iowa Farmer and he's a hunter and fisherman too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to
it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he
died?'

'Who said my Grandpa's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather's still alive?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the man.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went
hunting with you this morning too?'

'No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting
married!!...???? Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steve Cover on August 05, 2012, 07:41:04 PM
An 80-year-old Iowa Farmer goes to the Mayo clinic in Rochester for
a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How
do you stay in such great physical condition?'

'I'm from Iowa and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish says the
old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before
daylight Feeding Cattle mending fences, Planting, Baling Hay, and when I'm not doing that,
I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is
well.'

'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be
more to it. How old was your father when he died?'

'Who said my Father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your father's
still alive? How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the old Iowan. 'In fact he worked with and
hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the topless bar for a
while and had a little beer and that's why he's still alive. He's a
Iowa Farmer and he's a hunter and fisherman too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to
it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he
died?'

'Who said my Grandpa's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather's still alive?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the man.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went
hunting with you this morning too?'

'No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting
married!!...???? Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'


Sorry, but I have got to steal this one!!!

Steve
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on August 06, 2012, 09:11:08 AM
A guy asks a beautiful lady: "Can I buy you a drink?"
She says: "No Thanks, alcohol is bad for my legs!"
"Ohhh, do they swell??"
"No, they spread.." ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 06, 2012, 11:25:44 AM
The wife left a note on the fridge "It's not working, I can't take it anymore!!

Gone to stay with my Mother"

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.

What the hell is she talking about?

*******************************************************************************************************

Went to the doctor for my yearly physical.  The nurse starts with certain basics.
'How much do you weigh?' she asks.
'135,' I say.  The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asks, 'Your height?'
'5 foot 4,' I say.  The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'2'.  She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
'Of course it's high!' I scream.  'When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!'
She put me on Prozac. What a bitch.


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 06, 2012, 11:35:05 AM
A woman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell.

The party waiting behind her was a group from the White House that included Obama.

Obama quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.

She thanked him and started to leave, when he said, "I'm President Obama
and I hope you'll vote for me this November."

She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my ass, not my head!"

Thanks CR.  This one just went out to a LOT of those on my email list.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 06, 2012, 01:44:15 PM
Thanks CR.  This one just went out to a LOT of those on my email list.  ;D


The rest of us already saw it here.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on August 07, 2012, 07:21:39 AM
The Queen's Riddle

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England . He asked her, "Your
Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any
tips you can give me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround
yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around are
really intelligent?"


The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to
answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in
here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony. Your mother
and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your
sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing
for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. "Joe, answer
this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your
brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He
went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an
answer. Finally, Biden ran in to Sarah Palin out eating one night.
Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father
have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Sarah Palin answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with
Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle.
It's Sarah Palin!"


Obama got up, stomped
over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face,
"No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

And that is precisely what's going on at the White House.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on August 08, 2012, 08:34:23 AM
I found a note on the fridge this morning from the wife.

It said.  "This isn't working, I can't take it anymore!! Gone to stay with my Mother"

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.........
 
What the hell is she talking about?

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 08, 2012, 11:43:31 AM
The rest of us already saw it here.   ;D


Zactly!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 08, 2012, 11:52:21 AM
This 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting.


When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?"


She replied, "A can of peaches."


The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches.


She replied that she was hungry.






 
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.


She replied, "6."


The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."


Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.


The judge said, "What is it?"





The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on August 08, 2012, 03:00:12 PM
I can't remember where I got this.   ???
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on August 08, 2012, 07:24:40 PM
Only got two right....I came up with    boots, random, flak, pints, purse and six.

Now for extra credit what word starts with F and ends with UCK?























 

 .


 
















firetruck, of course
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on August 09, 2012, 04:15:15 PM
 My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!!  Get out of this house!" she ordered.
 
As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
 
So I turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on August 10, 2012, 05:17:50 PM
I found a picture of your girlfirend in a thong.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on August 11, 2012, 04:15:38 AM
Difference between Grandpa's and Grandma's


Ever wondered what the difference between Grannies and Grandads is?

5 year old granddaughter is usually taken to school, daily, by her grandfather.

When he had a bad cold his wife took the grandchild.

That night she told her parents that the ride to school with granny was very different!!

"What made it different?" asked her parents:

"Gran and I didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dickhead, Asian prick or wanker

anywhere on the way to school today!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on August 11, 2012, 06:33:54 AM
Animal Testing - important news from Australia

The Australian C.S.I.R.O. have announced that live rabbits will no longer be used in their scientific experiments.


Muslims will now be used instead...........


A top scientist has stated that the advantage of using Muslims is they breed just as fast as rabbits, but you don't get fond of them
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steve Cover on August 13, 2012, 11:52:03 AM
(http://i160.photobucket.com/albums/t175/SteveCover/Misc%20and%20Humor/ObedientWives.jpg)

It Figures

Steve
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 14, 2012, 07:58:47 PM
There once was a chic named Magill
Who took an atomic energy pill
They found her vagina in North Carolina
And her tit's wound up in Brazil.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 15, 2012, 10:11:43 AM
There once was a chic named Magill
Who took an atomic energy pill
They found her vagina in North Carolina
And her tit's wound up in Brazil.


Ya just KNOW that Red and Teresa are gonna find a way to see that as sick.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 15, 2012, 10:58:01 AM

Ya just KNOW that Red and Teresa are gonna find a way to see that as sick.  ;D

I'll just refer you to Steve Cover's earlier post.  ;D

(http://i160.photobucket.com/albums/t175/SteveCover/Misc%20and%20Humor/ObedientWives.jpg)

It Figures

Steve
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: lhprop1 on August 15, 2012, 11:09:07 AM
There once was a chic named Magill
Who took an atomic energy pill
They found her vagina in North Carolina
And her tit's wound up in Brazil.

Going the limerick route, are we?

And Afghan shepherd named Bruno
Said f*cking is one thing I do know
The young boys are fine
And sheep are divine
But goats are numero uno
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 15, 2012, 01:11:25 PM
Going the limerick route, are we?

And Afghan shepherd named Bruno
Said f*cking is one thing I do know
The young boys are fine
And sheep are divine
But goats are numero uno


You're going to hell for that.
I'll bring the hot dogs.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: lhprop1 on August 15, 2012, 02:54:32 PM
You're going to hell for that.
I'll bring the hot dogs.   ;D

That would be far down on the list of offenses.  You can't play rugby for almost 20 years and not come away without being a veritable encyclopedia of dirty songs. 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 15, 2012, 05:21:04 PM
That would be far down on the list of offenses.  You can't play rugby for almost 20 years and not come away without being a veritable encyclopedia of dirty songs. 

Don't try blaming it on the Aussie's.
They'll just say "To f**iking right mate, pass me another Cooper's".   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on August 16, 2012, 01:28:52 AM
Going the limerick route, are we?
Clean one, anyone?

There once was a man named Macgill
who ran up and down a steep hill.
When a woman inquired, "Don't you ever get tired?"
He said "Nah"..
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 16, 2012, 08:45:10 AM
Clean one, anyone?

There once was a man named Macgill
who ran up and down a steep hill.
When a woman inquired, "Don't you ever get tired?"
He said "Nah"..

That's nice, I now return you to our usual standards.


Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Athens Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
 
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
 
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
 
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
 
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
 
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
 
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
 
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
 
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
 
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 16, 2012, 01:26:26 PM
That's nice, I now return you to our usual standards.


Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Athens Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
 
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
 
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
 
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
 
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
 
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
 
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
 
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
 
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
 
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Now that is good stuff.....  ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 16, 2012, 01:55:23 PM
Now that is good stuff.....  ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D

Good as in it would get a youngster sent to the principles office   ;D

Or the Corner.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 16, 2012, 02:55:29 PM
Good as in it would get a youngster sent to the principles office   ;D

Or the Corner.  ;D

Six of one.... half-dozen of the other.......   ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on August 16, 2012, 05:56:37 PM
For my fellow Michiganders!  A bit of humor...

Are  you aware that Jeff Foxworthy is now picking on Michigan?

 1. If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by,  you might live in Michigan .

  2. If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Pellston is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live  in Michigan .

  3. If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Michigan .

  4. If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Michigan .

  5. If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Michigan .

  6. If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Michigan .

  7. If you have worn shorts and a coat at the same time, you might  live in Michigan.

  8. If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Michigan.

  9. If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Michigan.

  Part 2 - You know you're a true MICHIGANDER when . . .

  1. "Vacation" means going up north on I-75

  2. You measure distance in hours.

  3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

  4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

  5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.

  6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).

  7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

  8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.

  9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

  10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

  11.  You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.

  12. You can identify a southern or eastern  accent.

  13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.

  14. You were unaware that  there is a legal drinking age.

  15. Down South to you means Ohio.

  16. A brat is something you eat.

  17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole barn.

  18. You go out to fish fry every Friday.

  19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

  20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

  21. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."

  22.  You drink pop and bake with soda.

  23. Your doctor tells you to  drink Vernors and you know it's not medicine.

  24. You can actually drink Vernors without coughing.

  25. You know what a Yooper is.

  26. You think owning a Honda is Un-American.

  27. You know that UP is a place, not a direction.

  28. You know it's possible to live in a  thumb.

  29. You understand that when visiting Detroit, the best thing to wear is a Kevlar vest.

  30. You actually understand these  jokes, and you forward them to all your Michigan friends.

Have a Nice Day .... and a Better tomorrow.....

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 17, 2012, 04:22:21 PM
That's nice, I now return you to our usual standards.


Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Athens Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
 
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
 
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
 
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
 
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
 
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
 
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
 
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
 
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
 
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"


Years ago when broadcasting high school wrestling, one of the local kids managed to reach up and move his opponent in such a way as to score a reversal.  My color commentator described the action this way, "Well, he reached up and jerked him off."

Another time I was doing color for a high school football game broadcast.  A local kid named Wilson was a tremendous athlete......fast AND quick.  At a pivotal point in a game, Wilson managed to break a tackle, get to the outside, and then he was off to the races.  The play-by-play announcer said, "Wilson's at the 40...the 45...the 50...(then turning to look at me, said).......would you look at the wheels on that little bastard!!"  At that point I was unable to breathe.  Yes, I was laughing that hard.   ;D

Ya gotta love live radio.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on August 17, 2012, 06:23:15 PM
That's nice, I now return you to our usual standards.
Thanks Tom.. (Stolen, btw..) That stuff works better than a pain pill!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 17, 2012, 07:30:46 PM
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan
desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old
Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.


The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"


The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to
buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced
tie. I need water!  I should kill you, but I must find water first!"


"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to
buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will
find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."


Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he
staggered back, almost dead & said,

"Your damn brother won't let me in without a tie!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: GASPASSERDELUXE on August 19, 2012, 09:55:20 AM
Dating in 1957

 

You need to be able to remember the era to really enjoy this... But even if you’re

not old enough, this is funny, anyway!

 

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1957 and Fred had a date with Peggy

Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

 

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. "Have a seat in

the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"

 

"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

 

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

 

"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop,

maybe take a walk on the beach..."

 

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

 

"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.

 

"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all

they do!"

 

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

 

"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

 

"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for

the evening.

 

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture

wearing a pink blouse and full circle skirt, and with her hair tied back in a

bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

 

"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.

 

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed

the front door behind her.

 

"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "The damned dance is called

the Twist!"

 

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on August 19, 2012, 11:32:25 AM







Couldn't stop myself   ;D ;D


And while we are back in the early 60's, anyone remember Candy Johnson?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 19, 2012, 01:51:36 PM
 :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 19, 2012, 08:20:52 PM
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen."
 
Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it."
 
Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer completely f*cked up now."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bic on August 21, 2012, 08:37:46 AM
After a President has been in office for 1 year it is customary for the last President to send a note to the new president. So when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:

370H-SSV-0773H

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged. So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.

They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.

Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House.. They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.

Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office. They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer. A special emergency meeting was called by the staff. All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.

After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.

George Bush chuckled and replied---" You're holding it upside down, dummy"!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on August 21, 2012, 03:29:38 PM
So, this Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees.


The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.


The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.


The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.


The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.


Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?


After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, Tiger Woods and Shane Warne were right, when they said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on August 22, 2012, 10:32:58 PM
The United States Border Patrol is asking everyone to keep on the lookout for a red 1951 Chevy. They suspect this car is being used to smuggle illegal immigrants across the border from Mexico and into points along the U.S. border. If you see the vehicle pictured below and have reason to believe that it is the suspect vehicle, you are urged to contact your local police department or the U.S. Border Patrol.


(http://i667.photobucket.com/albums/vv31/CholoGa/Red51Chevy.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on August 23, 2012, 07:10:08 AM
A birch tree and a beech tree had stood side by side in the woods for many years.  As a result of this proximity, they had become quite good friends.

One day, the birch tree happened to glance down to the fertile ground below where he saw a young sapling.

"Look at that handsome young son of a birch," he said to his beech tree friend.

"That is indeed a handsome sapling," the beech tree replied.  "But I believe you will discover it's a son of a beech, not a son of a birch."

They argued for many years as the young sapling grew into tree-hood.

One day, a woodpecker happened to stop by, landing in the birch tree.  The birch tree had an idea and said to the woodpecker, "Mr. Woodpecker, my friend the beech tree and I have been arguing over the parentage of the young sapling below.  Is it a son of a birch as I believe.  Or is it a son of a beech as my friend is convinced?"

The woodpecker flew down and began to peck at the young sapling.  He was there for quite some time before flying back into the taller tree.

"Well," the beech tree demanded.  "Is it a son of a birch or a son of a beech?"

"You are both going to be disappointed," said the woodpecker.  "For that is one of the finest pieces of ash I've ever had my pecker in."

(okay, I'm headed for the corner.)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 24, 2012, 11:18:11 AM


THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OFTHE MOST WORRYSOME IN RECENT YEARS.

25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated!





Meet you in the corner, C.R.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 24, 2012, 11:26:04 AM
* - Dating in 1957

 

You need to be able to remember the era to really enjoy this... But even if you’re

not old enough, this is funny, anyway!

 

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1957 and Fred had a date with Peggy

Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

 

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. "Have a seat in

the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"

 

"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

 

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

 

"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop,

maybe take a walk on the beach..."

 

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

 

"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.

 

"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all

they do!"

 

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

 

"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

 

"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for

the evening.

 

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture

wearing a pink blouse and full circle skirt, and with her hair tied back in a

bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

 

"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.

 

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed

the front door behind her.

 

"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "The damned dance is called

the Twist!"

 

  


GREAT story, I LOVE it!!

* - While I hate to be "that guy", "The Twist" was a dance named after Chubby Checker's hit song of the same name.......which wasn't released until late 1960.

Sucks having a DJ on the forum, don't it?  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 24, 2012, 12:28:20 PM

Romney's Horse

    So the Romneys are selfish for keeping a horse? And employing a groom
    with a family to support. And paying for feed that's sold by someone
    with a family to support and transported in trucks by someone with a
    family to support and manufactured in a factory by people with
    families to support from stuff that's grown by farmers with families
    to support. And having a barn built by construction workers with
    families to support with materials trucked by drivers with families to
    support from factories with workers with families to support.

    Sounds to me like that one horse has done more to put Americans to
    work than that horse's ass in the White House.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: GASPASSERDELUXE on August 24, 2012, 01:10:22 PM

GREAT story, I LOVE it!!

* - While I hate to be "that guy", "The Twist" was a dance named after Chubby Checker's hit song of the same name.......which wasn't released until late 1960.

Sucks having a DJ on the forum, don't it?  Grin

hEY, i just send them out I don't research them.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on August 24, 2012, 01:48:20 PM
The joke seemed to reference Sam Cook's    Twisting The Night Away   ;D ;D

Don't make me post the YouTube links again....I'm trying hard not to since it was just a page back.... ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on August 24, 2012, 07:56:51 PM
Tom, if you weren't on someone's list before that post you are now!

Richard


PS:  I'll join you because "I COULDN'T AGREE MORE!"...EXCEPT THE GUY IN THE WH PRODUCES MORE "S..T"  JMHOFWIW
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 24, 2012, 08:42:40 PM
Tom, if you weren't on someone's list before that post you are now!

Richard


PS:  I'll join you because "I COULDN'T AGREE MORE!"...EXCEPT THE GUY IN THE WH PRODUCES MORE "S..T"  JMHOFWIW

I've probably been on all the lists since I reported Hillery to the original Obama Whitehouse gov ratline.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 26, 2012, 04:04:24 PM
I've probably been on all the lists since I reported Hillery to the original Obama Whitehouse gov ratline.  ;D



LMAO
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on August 30, 2012, 03:37:46 PM
On January 9 a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a Peoria bridge, so they stopped.

The leader, George a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After she's finished, George gets approval from his group, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, then he says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey!  That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts.  You could be famous if you rode with me.  Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl" The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on August 31, 2012, 05:17:43 PM
So? Did you know what happened 162 years ago this fall... back in 1850?

California became a state.

The people had no electricity.  The state had no money.  Almost everyone spoke Spanish.  There were gunfights in the streets. 

So basically nothing has changed except then the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands.

That, my friends, is the history lesson for today!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on August 31, 2012, 05:18:33 PM
THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS!

25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary!








It means 75% are running around untreated!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on September 01, 2012, 09:59:36 AM
Saw this and thought of .........oh never mind you know who you are.......  ;D


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on September 01, 2012, 10:18:20 AM
Sledge, most of your jokes are frustrating crap.
They are funny as hell, but if I tell them in public some liberal will call the damned cops on me.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on September 01, 2012, 08:30:23 PM
The governor of most Southern states has the option of bestowing the title of "Colonel" as a way of recognizing outstanding accomplishments by members of the community. It is in no way a rank nor does it permit any certain priviledge, just like giving the key to the city or other honorarium. Some men so honored choose to be known as "Col. Jackson" or so, in certain circles. One such man was called to testify in court.

As the old gentleman was sworn in, he was qualified by the prosecuting attorney, then attacked by the defense lawyer.

"Colonel Beauregard," the lawyer began, "You were in the U.S. Army, I presume?"

"No, Sir," replied the gentleman.

"Oh? Maybe the Air Foce?" the lawyer sneered.

"No, Sir. I was not in the Air Force."

"Ah!, then you were a Marine?" the lawyer continued, trying to badger the witness.

"No, Sir. I was not able to serve in our Armed Forces."

"Then, why are you called Colonel if you never held that rank?" The lawyer smirked.

"Well, Sir," the gentleman patiently explained, "It's an honorary title, like the title "Honorable" in your name. It doesn't mean a thing."


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on September 03, 2012, 08:58:23 AM
Spelling is important, look! The difference between won and one:

Great Britain have just won gold.

Australia have just one gold.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on September 03, 2012, 08:59:48 AM
RIP Neil Armstrong. The man responsible for the United States' most unique achievement: planting the Stars and Stripes somewhere without having to kill anyone.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on September 03, 2012, 09:34:22 AM
I went to the doctor for a check -up.

He said, "The best advice I can give you is to give up smoking and drinking, lose weight and get more exercise."

I said, "What's the next-best advice?"   
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on September 03, 2012, 11:48:42 PM
RIP Neil Armstrong. The man responsible for the United States' most unique achievement: planting the Stars and Stripes somewhere without having to kill anyone.
I think you're safe...  ::)
When the Chinese come for Taiwan, I don't expect we'll be planting any flags out your way..  :o
(You might want to get Prince Harry's number on speed dial, though. Just in case they're not tied up in the Falklands at the time..)  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on September 07, 2012, 01:05:30 PM
When devastating hurricanes struck the Gulf Coast even houses of
worship were not spared.

A local television station interviewed a woman from New Orleans and
asked how the loss of churches in the area had affected their lives.

Without hesitation, the woman replied, "I don't know 'bout all those
other people, but we ain't gone to Churches in years. We gets our
chicken from Popeye's."

The look on the interviewer's face was priceless.

They live among us, AND THEY VOTE.

Now do you understand how we got our president?
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on September 08, 2012, 12:15:59 PM
A guy talking to his friend says...
"I went in for a routine checkup today. Everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his finger up my ass."

"Well, that's a normal procedure."

"So you don't think I should change dentists?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on September 08, 2012, 09:57:07 PM
Catholic Bragging

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well?" She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast size, 24-inch waist and 34-inch hips... When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God!”
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: 45 Defender on September 09, 2012, 01:46:13 AM
Microchip Implant Allows Islamic Terrorists to Speak to God.
The implant is specifically designed to be injected in the forehead.

When properly installed, it will allow the terrorist to speak to God!!!

It comes in various sizes: Generally from .223 to .50 cal.



The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly skilled technician, who will also make the injection. No anesthetic is required.

The implant may or may not be painless. Side effects, like headaches, nausea, aches and pains are extremely temporary.

Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site. In most cases, you won't even notice it.

Please enjoy the security we provide for you.

Best regards,


"I take great comfort in knowing that the last thing Osama bin Laden saw on this earth was an American." (A Navy Seal)
When a American Army Sniper was asked what did he feel when he pulled the trigger on his .50 caliber rifle and killed a terrorist?  His reply, "A little recoil on my shoulder"!!
 (http://img.tapatalk.com/d/12/09/09/yzu3uhyh.jpg)(http://img.tapatalk.com/d/12/09/09/3unydy6e.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on September 09, 2012, 10:41:50 AM
Catholic Bragging

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well?" She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast size, 24-inch waist and 34-inch hips... When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God!”


What's one of the best things about Catholics?

Whenever four Catholics are gathered together, you will always find a fifth.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on September 09, 2012, 09:50:00 PM


My Uncle lived in Chicago, was a staunch conservative, and

voted straight line Republican until the day he died.

Now, he votes Democrat.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on September 10, 2012, 05:06:10 AM
Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. “You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems”, Linda told her friend.

 
“That’s amazing!” Mary replied, “So have Tom and I. We’re thinking of going to a sex therapist”, said Linda.



“Oh, we could never do that! We’d be too embarrassed!”, responded Mary. “But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?”


Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. “So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?”, Mary asked.


“Things couldn’t be better!” Linda exclaimed. “We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it’s better than it’s ever been!”


With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. “I’m afraid there is nothing I can do for you,” he said.



“But doctor,” Mary complained, “you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can’t you give us some help? Any help at all?”



“Well, OK,” the doctor answered. “On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios.”
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on September 10, 2012, 02:32:44 PM
PMS helper

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 10, 2012, 06:31:34 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on September 10, 2012, 07:14:23 PM
What's one of the best things about Catholics?

Whenever four Catholics are gathered together, you will always find a fifth.



Hey!!  I resemble that remark!!!  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on September 11, 2012, 09:14:39 AM
What's one of the best things about Catholics?

Whenever four Catholics are gathered together, you will always find a fifth.



Catholics are enthusiastic in celebrating the Miracle of Fermentation and the same for celebrating the skills with which distillers have been blessed.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on September 11, 2012, 11:26:03 AM
Catholics are enthusiastic in celebrating the Miracle of Fermentation and the same for celebrating the skills with which distillers have been blessed.

And all God's children said, "Amen.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on September 11, 2012, 11:39:14 AM
And all God's children slurred said, "Amen.' I love you man.

FIFY    ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on September 11, 2012, 01:14:36 PM
Catholics are enthusiastic in celebrating the Miracle of Fermentation and the same for celebrating the skills with which distillers have been blessed.

And judging by the number of us there are, I'd say we're enthusiastic in celebrating the Miracle Of Sexual Congress, as well.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on September 11, 2012, 01:17:46 PM
And judging by the number of us there are, I'd say we're enthusiastic in celebrating the Miracle Of Sexual Congress, as well.  ;D

That closely follows the miracle of fermentation.  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on September 11, 2012, 01:20:23 PM
God Loves Us!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on September 11, 2012, 02:06:58 PM
And judging by the number of us there are, I'd say we're enthusiastic in celebrating the Miracle Of Sexual Congress, as well.  ;D

Large Families in New England stem from 3 sources.
First, the large number of French Catholics in the area, influenced by French military history, followed the Church doctrine of "if we can't out fight them we will out number them.
Secondly, the farms up here did not generate the wealth of Southern plantations, but they were just as labor intensive.
Slaves were expensive, kids were free, and easily replaced.
Third, You need to do something to pass the long cold winters and stamp collecting had not been invented yet.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: lhprop1 on September 11, 2012, 04:08:55 PM
And judging by the number of us there are, I'd say we're enthusiastic in celebrating the Miracle Of Sexual Congress, as well.  ;D

It's just a different variation of the miracle of fermentation.  Just with a different result.

In the end, both leave you with life in your belly.   
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on September 11, 2012, 07:44:20 PM
It's just a different variation of the miracle of fermentation.  Just with a different result.

In the end, both leave you with life in your belly.   

And an aching head.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on September 11, 2012, 08:12:34 PM

From a British perspective: This was a reader's 'letter to the editor ' published in daily " SUN" last Sunday. Read and think !!

Tolerance …. I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in London on the Thames.  I think it should be the goal of every Englishman to be tolerant. Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy", and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."
 
Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called "Iraq o' Ribs."

Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.

Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."

All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved. If you agree with promoting tolerance, and you think this is a good plan, please publish my letter.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on September 11, 2012, 09:05:40 PM
I remember this from the attempt to build a mosque near the World Trade Center site.
Besides a real Brit never would have thought of a rib joint, they would have gone for a fish and chip place with some snide comment about Osama's rest.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on September 12, 2012, 05:22:22 AM
Borrowed this!

This plays into the situation where some armed angry muslims KILLED the US Ambassador because of a movie they don't like. I heard a "spokesman" on the radio saying, "Do not say these things. Do not make our people mad. They will kill".
What these ignorant sobs don't realize (because they are SO freakin' ignorant) is that they don't want to piss US off. We're a lot better and a lot more efficient at killing than they are, and when the familiy dog gets rabid you put it down. Keep it up a**holes.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on September 12, 2012, 08:15:37 AM
A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "Shit, from back there I thought you said "Goats."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: mkm on September 12, 2012, 08:38:36 AM
A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "Shit, from back there I thought you said "Goats."

Where did you find this joke? and How did Auburn become the setting?  Dang Tasmanians!  ;)  From a proud Auburn alumus, WAR EAGLE!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on September 12, 2012, 08:42:27 AM
Where did you find this joke? and How did Auburn become the setting?  Dang Tasmanians!  ;)  From a proud Auburn alumus, WAR EAGLE!

Well it wasnt from a bloke called Ahmed thats for sure LOL
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on September 13, 2012, 02:10:31 AM
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.


For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
He makes no contribution to the running or maintenance of the house.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.  He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.  He receives
these accomodations absolutely free.  He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who go out, work hard, and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head.
 







I think my dog is an illegal IMMIGRANT
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on September 13, 2012, 08:16:23 AM
lol  or a native  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on September 13, 2012, 08:27:08 AM
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.


For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
He makes no contribution to the running or maintenance of the house.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.  He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.  He receives
these accomodations absolutely free.  He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who go out, work hard, and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head.
 







I think my dog is an illegal IMMIGRANT DEMOCRAT

FIFY
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Magoo541 on September 13, 2012, 01:32:46 PM
FIFY

+1

Exactly what I was thinking, too bad they can vote in big cities.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on September 13, 2012, 09:02:56 PM

I was in the shop today, and there was a little boy crying because he wanted some chocolate buttons.

"I haven't got enough money," his mother said to him.

"I've got some spare change on me, I'll buy them," I said to her.

"Are you sure about that?," she said.

"Of course," I replied, "I haven't had chocolate buttons in ages, so it'll be a nice treat for me."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on September 13, 2012, 09:03:24 PM
My boss called me into his office this morning and showed me a piece of paper.

He said, "Monday you turned up at 9:13am, Tuesday you turned up at 9:09am and Wednesday you rolled in at 9:20am, this is not acceptable."

"Sorry," I replied, "But at least I was in at 8:57am this morning."

"Phil, you start at 6."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on September 14, 2012, 11:05:13 AM
This link will take you to 3 videos of men making fools of themselves over women.  The ladies will love them....but we should remember ..it could happen to us.

The link is to a Frontsight web page, but just ignore the text and watch the videos....worth a few laughs for me  :D :D :D


http://www.ignatius-piazza-front-sight.com/2012/09/08/front-sights-laugh-out-loud-of-the-week/
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on September 15, 2012, 01:43:55 AM
Where did you find this joke? and How did Auburn become the setting?  Dang Tasmanians!  ;)  From a proud Auburn alumus, WAR EAGLE!

OHH, and 2?
Roll Tide!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on September 16, 2012, 01:08:31 PM
Enjoy !  ;D

http://www.politesociety.com/binladenliquors_ol10%5B1%5D.swf
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on September 17, 2012, 01:53:19 AM
Letter as published in the english newspaper The Sun

Quote
Tolerance .. I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in London on the Thames ? I think it should be the goal of every Englishman to be tolerant. Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy", and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called "Iraq o' Ribs."
Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.
Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."


All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved. If you agree with promoting tolerance, and you think this is a good plan, please publish my letter.

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on September 18, 2012, 05:40:08 PM
My dick is a gentalmen.  It always stands up so a lady has a aplace to sit.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on September 18, 2012, 06:49:56 PM
Life is like a penis, soft and hanging out.\
Then a woman comes along and makes it hard.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on September 22, 2012, 08:31:42 AM
Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so, I sat down and had a
couple nice cold "Silver Bullets."  The day was really quite beautiful,
and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more
painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that
giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have
come up with the answer to that question.
 
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and
here is the reason for my conclusion…

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be
nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy
say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on September 22, 2012, 07:22:05 PM
this is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. the only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. he told her he couldn't stop
it and that it was perfectly natural. she told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. the years went by and he continued to rip them out. then one christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. she took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his under
pants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.. some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic foot steps as he ran into the bath room. the wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! after years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. about twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. she bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. he said, 'honey you were right.' 'all these years you have warned me and i didn't listen to you'. 'what do you mean?' asked his wife. 'well, you always told me that one day i would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. but by the grace of god, some vaseline and two fingers. i think i got most of them back in!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: FSBARAK on September 26, 2012, 01:20:56 AM
http://www.dhmo.org/ (http://www.dhmo.org/)

This stuff nearly killed me once. :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on September 26, 2012, 04:04:29 AM
This real asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Blue?"
I said, "There's a f....k tap underneath, taste it."
***
 
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few kilos, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."
 
***
 
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said to her, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now. "
 
***
 
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling their tits.
"Really," she said, "Go on then...try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience. "Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, "Yesterday."
 
***
 
"Jesus loves you."
A nice gesture in church but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
 
***
 
I got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted so loudly at me that I nearly fell in.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ichiban on September 26, 2012, 04:39:45 AM
http://www.dhmo.org/ (http://www.dhmo.org/)

This stuff nearly killed me once. :o


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on September 26, 2012, 06:04:02 AM
^ that is such a true representation of the rat bag liberal element.
The anti duck, anti hunting, save the nuclear whale type all together in one basket right there!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on September 26, 2012, 07:47:57 PM
^ that is such a true representation of the rat bag liberal element.
The anti duck, anti hunting, save the nuclear whale type all together in one basket right there!

Didn't even here them tell some of the good stuff..

DHMO is the primary component of Acid Rain.
In it's gaseous state it can cause severe burns
People who have become dependent upon a regular supply of it will die after as little as 3 days without it.
It is supplied to every chemical weapons laboratory by a system of underground pipelines.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MinotBob on October 02, 2012, 07:33:15 PM
One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said...........

(This is priceless...)

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on October 06, 2012, 06:23:07 PM
I went into McDonalds the other day and there was muslim girl flipping patties. She was wearing a a filthy, grease-stained dirty burka. I was worried about hygiene so I left.
I then went into Hungry Jacks and there was a muslim girl there too. Immaculately dressed, wearing what looked like a freshly pressed burka. So I orderd a Whopper.

Just goes to show, the burkas are better at Hungry Jacks.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 06, 2012, 07:04:21 PM
Sledge, you should have stuck with flipping Patty. 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 08, 2012, 01:38:45 PM
The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's new health care package.

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea
shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter" and the Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on October 09, 2012, 06:44:42 PM
In honor of the 44th President of the United States Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: Barocky Road

Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all plentiful.

The cost is $92.84 per scoop--so out of a hundred dollar bill you are at least promised some CHANGE!

When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but after you pay for it, the ice cream is taken out of the cone and given to the person in line behind you at no charge.

You are left with an almost empty wallet, staring at an empty cone--and wondering what just happened. Then you realize this is what "redistribution" is all about.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on October 12, 2012, 12:33:36 AM
... In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.
Who launched a probe to get to the bottom of it and to take the temperature of the public on the matter..
BOHICA!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 12, 2012, 08:36:18 AM
AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
 
1.  AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2.  AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3.  FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
( works for high cholesterol also...JR...)  Donate blood...

4.  A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5.  IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6.  YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7.  IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

            THOUGHT for the day:

   SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING,
 BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

           SOME ADDITIONAL ADVICE:
NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, TAKE A LAXATIVE AND SLEEPING PILLS ON THE SAME NIGHT
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Magoo541 on October 12, 2012, 09:08:36 AM
            THOUGHT for the day:

   SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING,
 BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Aint that the God's honest truth! LOL!

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: lhprop1 on October 12, 2012, 09:16:07 AM
A three-legged dog walks into a bar.  The bartender asks, "What can I do for you?" 
The dog says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 12, 2012, 09:19:47 AM
These azzholes vote. (Probably Democrat)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 12, 2012, 11:53:06 AM


SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING,
BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
        

It's really a riot when you push 'em down an escalator....... never ending laughs.  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: GASPASSERDELUXE on October 17, 2012, 07:38:32 PM
DARWIN AWARDS 2012

:

Nominee No. 1: [ San Jose Mercury News]:

An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former

girl friend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the

gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

 

 

Nominee No. 2: [ Kalamazoo Gazette]:

James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo , MI , was killed in March as

he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck."

Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung

underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise.

Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found

Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

 

 

Nominee No. 3: [ Hickory Daily Record]:

Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December

in Newton , NC . Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside

his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson

38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

 

 

Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto ]:

Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown

Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and

plunged 24 floors to his death.? A police spokesman said Garry Hoy,

39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early

Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings

windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted

demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter

Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the

Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest"

members of the 200-man association. A person has to wonder what the

dimmer members of this law firm are like.

 

 

Nominee No. 5: [The News of the Weird]:

Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had

spent several years awaiting South Carolina 's electric chair on a

murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in

prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix

his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

 

 

Nominee No. 6: [The Indianapolis Star]:

A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk ,

IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of

a muzzleloader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in

his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died

in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators

said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been

firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when

the gunpowder ignited.

 

 

Nominee No. 7: [Reuters, Mississauga , Ontario ]:

A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium

apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his

death. "Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the

accident occurred," said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional

Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the

balcony," Honer said.

 

 

Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [ Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:

Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and

struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday.

Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly

after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray

Wallis, 38, of Little Rock , were returning to Des Arc after a

frog-catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole 's pickup truck

headlights malfunctioned.

 

The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck

had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis

noticed that the .22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly

into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting

the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two

men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge .

 

After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the

river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole

in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the

pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and

abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to

repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as

intended.

 

Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.

"Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off,

or we might be dead," stated Wallis

 

"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this

is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this

accident happened," said Snyder.

 

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia ( Poole 's wife) asked how

many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck?

Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure

as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued

that Poole did, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool.

 

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on October 17, 2012, 10:23:12 PM
Believe it or not no. 4 above is true.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on October 17, 2012, 10:37:02 PM
This may be old but I just found it:

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on October 22, 2012, 04:57:19 AM
Made me smile
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on October 22, 2012, 03:06:19 PM
I heard the same joke only his name was Whiskey Tits.  :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on October 22, 2012, 10:50:35 PM
An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut,

but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek
to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied,” Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on October 24, 2012, 08:56:22 PM
One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said...........

(This is priceless...)

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on October 25, 2012, 06:04:01 AM
An Afghan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department.
The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul.

"A man is sitting on the well!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 25, 2012, 11:22:49 AM
An Afghan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department.
The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul.

"A man is sitting on the well!"

(http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/22650317.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on October 25, 2012, 04:54:35 PM
Those 2 put together - now that's funny!   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfack on October 25, 2012, 05:19:07 PM
What you talkin 'bout Willis?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on October 25, 2012, 07:51:57 PM
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We

   turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our

   pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

 

   We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived

   and we opened the front door to leave the house.

 

   As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots

   back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because

   she always tries to eat the bird.

 

   My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the

   cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab,

   my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for

   the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,

   'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

 

   A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said,

   as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to

   poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to

   take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a

   blanket to keep her from scratching me.

 

   But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into

   the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!'

 

   The silence in the cab was deafening.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 26, 2012, 06:10:01 PM
Those 2 put together - now that's funny!   ;D ;D

The expression on the kid's face is priceless.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on October 27, 2012, 07:31:48 AM
Scotch with Two Drops of Water


A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two
drops of water.  As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
“I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today....”

The bartender says, “Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on me.”

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I would
like to buy you a drink, too.”

The old woman says, “Thank you.  Bartender, I want a Scotch with two
drops of water.”

“Coming up,” says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, “I would like to
buy you one, too.”

The old woman says, “Thank you.  Bartender, I want another Scotch with
two drops of water.”

 

“Coming right up,” the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity.  Why
the Scotch with only two drops of water?”

The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how
to hold your liquor.  Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.”




Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on October 28, 2012, 04:39:32 PM
Before Obama was elected President, he went to see the Clintons at their home for some

campaign advice. After drinking several glasses of wine, he asked Bill Clinton if he could

use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton 's private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a solid

gold urinal. Wow!

That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I

am President, I too could have a gold urinal. But I wouldn't have anything so self-indulgent!"


The next day, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed Barack

had been at his discovery of the fact that in Bill's private bathroom was a gold urinal.


That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary told Bill, "I just found out

who pissed in your saxophone."



                                           
 

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fatbaldguy on October 28, 2012, 06:28:58 PM
The White House gardener got fired last week.  He was working in the rose garden, put his tools down to run to the toilet.  When he got back he asked about his tools and was escorted from the premises.  He only asked, Where the hell is the spade and the ho?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 29, 2012, 10:28:04 AM

 Great Franchise Opportunity
 
 
A British Engineer has just started his own business in Afghanistan .

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well.

He says prophets are going through the roof.
 


"Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading".
--Thomas Jefferson
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on October 29, 2012, 02:17:01 PM

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed!
 
 
"Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated .38 Special revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"
"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.....you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos"
"Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man.
Whadda you gonna do then....... pointa to your Rolex and say "Times up"?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on October 29, 2012, 06:02:35 PM
I was in a pub last Saturday night, and drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them chirped saying, "It's WALES , you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland ?"

That's pretty much the last thing I remember...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: BAC on October 30, 2012, 12:59:56 PM
I was in a pub last Saturday night, and drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them chirped saying, "It's WALES , you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland ?"

That's pretty much the last thing I remember...


That deserves to be on Facebook...and now it is.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on October 30, 2012, 09:15:58 PM
THE BOTTLE OF MERLOT.                         

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive  woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So, the  waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the  gentleman who is seated over there."... and indicated the  sender with a nod of his  head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a  note.
 
The waiter, who was  lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note  read: "For me to  accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your  garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your  pants."

After reading the note, the  man decided to compose one of his own in return.   He folded the note, handed it to the  waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the  lady.

It  read:  "Just to let  you know things aren't always what they appear to be;  I have  a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8,  Mercedes CL600, and a  Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes  in  Aspen and  Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch  in  Louisiana.   There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. 

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches.   Just send the bottle  back.'”
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on November 01, 2012, 09:37:20 AM
A modest man was in the hospital
for a series of tests, the last of which had left
his bodily systems extremely upset.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped
out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and
threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the
sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and
swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off,
and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his
feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital
security guard, (barely containing his laughter),
and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked,
"What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down at the bed
sheets in amazement, replied: "I think I just beat
the crap out of a ghost."

Happy Halloween
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jrlobo on November 01, 2012, 11:07:57 AM
Ralph returns to work on Monday morning and was greeted by his co-worker Frank.

Frank: Hiya Ralph.

Ralph, with raspy voice: Hiya Frank (whenever Ralph speaks in this joke, put a raspy voice in your brain)

Frank: Laryngitis? How'd you get that?

Ralph: Got it playing golf this weekend.

Frank: How could that be? Weather was nice, 75 degrees and sunny!

Ralph: Well I was on the 13th tee, 485yds dogleg to the right. Off to the left was a cow pasture. I sliced my ball into the pasture.
          There were 4 women in front of us and 1 of them did the same thing. Both of us were searching for our balls and couldn't
          find them anywhere. Then a cow lifts up its tail and I see a golf ball stuck in the cow's ass. So I walked over to the cow and
          lifted its tail. It was not a Titlelist 4, so I knew it wasn't mine. So, holding the cow's tail up, I said 'Hey lady, does this look
          like yours? She hit me 4 times in the throat with a nine iron!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on November 01, 2012, 07:41:58 PM
Wasn't sure where to put these, but since they amused me I'm putting them here.

I have seen the jumbled letters one several times, one of which might have been here, but the first one was new to me.

I was able to read them both as I suspect most here will do.

To my "selected"strange-minded friends:

If you can read the following paragraph, forward it on to your friends and the person that sent it to you with 'yes' in the subject line. Only great minds can read this. This is weird, but interesting! 

7H15 M3554G3
53RV35 7O PR0V3
H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N
D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!
1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!
1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG
17 WA5 H4RD BU7
N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3
Y0UR M1ND 1S
R34D1NG 17
4U70M471C4LLY
W17H 0U7 3V3N
7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,
B3 PROUD! 0NLY
C3R741N P30PL3 C4N
R3AD 7H15.
PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F
U C4N R34D 7H15.
If you can read this, you have a strangemnid, too.Only 55 people out of 100 can.

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseaethe huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed this forwrad it
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: deepwater on November 01, 2012, 09:53:46 PM
I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseaethe huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed this forwrad it
[/b]

I know some of the guys on the forum will be glad to hear this.. (about the spelling) ;)

deep
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on November 01, 2012, 11:05:56 PM
When FQ and TAB read it it will make their day  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fatbaldguy on November 02, 2012, 03:10:14 AM
When FQ and TAB read it it will make their day  ;D

Only IF they can read it! ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on November 02, 2012, 08:39:20 AM
Only IF they can read it! ;D

If they can read their own posts this shouldn't give them any trouble  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: lhprop1 on November 02, 2012, 10:17:45 AM
A coyote is boarding an airplane and he has a dead raccoon under his arm.  The flight attendant says, "You can't bring that on board."  To which, the coyote replied, "But it's my carrion."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 02, 2012, 10:38:21 AM
If they can read their own posts this shouldn't give them any trouble  ;D

Classic.  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on November 02, 2012, 11:39:08 AM
This real asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Blue?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath, taste it."
 
***
 
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
 
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."
 
***
 
I went to the bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
 
I said to her, "Nice legs."
 
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
 
I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now."
 
***
 
I was telling a girl in the bar about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling their tits.
 
"Really" she said, "Go on then, try."
 
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
 
"Come on, what day was I born?"
 
I said, "Yesterday."
 
***
 
"Jesus loves you."
 
A nice gesture in church but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
 
***
 
I got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today.
 
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on November 04, 2012, 08:33:21 PM
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
 
 
 
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut,
 
you'd look all right."
 
 
 
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."
 
 
 
***
 
 
 
I went to the bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
 
 
 
I said to her, "Nice legs."
 
 
 
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
 
 
 
I said, "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now. "
 
 
 
***
 
 
 
I was telling a girl in the bar about my ability to guess what day a
 
woman was born just by feeling their tits.
 
 
 
"Really?" she said. "Go on then...try."
 
 
 
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
 
 
 
"Come on, what day was I born"?
 
 
 
I said, “Yesterday."
 
 
 
***
 
 
 
"Jesus loves you."
 
 
 
A nice gesture in church, but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
 
 
 
***
 
 
 
I got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today.
 
 
 
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fightingquaker13 on November 05, 2012, 08:38:15 AM
The Woman Marine Pilot
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie.
Janie, do you have a story to share?'
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.
She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all
she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't
break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke,
and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher.
'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: 1Buckshot on November 05, 2012, 08:41:32 AM
The party waiting behind her was a group from the White House that included Obama.




Obama quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.



She thanked him and started to leave, when he said, "I'm President Obama and I hope you'll vote for me this November."


 
She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my ass, not my head!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: RTFM on November 05, 2012, 05:59:09 PM
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v499/cdu_duck/photo26.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on November 05, 2012, 09:07:41 PM
Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best chick, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris , a jet to travel through Europe , an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson .

And you, Tanya?.

" I wanna be Johnny's chick!"

 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on November 08, 2012, 09:07:52 AM
American Flag Nearly Dies After Inhaling Fumes Of Burning Protesters

Dateline, KABUL, AFGHANISTAN - An American Flag bought online for an Anti-U.S. protest nearly died of smoke inhalation yesterday from the fumes of burning protesters who in an attempt to light the flag on fire, instead negligently set themselves ablaze.

The flag, who goes by the name of Serial Number: 01023492, claims that all he remembers was being taken out of his box by a number of apparently disgruntled Middle Eastern men, which he identified instantly by their anti-American chants and misspelled signs.

“At first I thought I was at an Occupy Wall St. protest, and that things were probably going to be alright when I saw signs that read, ‘Don’t Disgrace our Profits’, but then I realized it was a group of pissed off Taliban protesters when I read another that read, ‘I’m here to kill Americans [Shoot Me].’”

The scene became quite dire for Flag 01023492 when the Taliban members tried to light him on fire with a Bic lighter. Due to his Nylon composition, ignition was difficult to achieve, and out of frustration the flag was thrown to the ground.

“Another flag was taken out of its box, and when they began pulling cans of stolen JP8 out of the beds of their Bongo trucks I knew he was done for. They started dousing him in fuel, which I noticed was being carelessly thrown all over the place, including themselves. Additionally one of the members forgot to put the cap on the container allowing for fuel vapor to disperse over the area. The flag was then hoisted up on a stick, and I couldn’t watch any more of the cowardly acts.”

Flag 01023492 went on to claim that the Taliban began playing the knock off of a Blue Oyster Cult song titled, “Taliburnin’ for You” over the loud speakers usually designated for daily prayers. It was then that all hell broke loose when the guy with the lighter tripped over one of the command detonation wires they were intending on using later, and lit himself on fire. Of course with no knowledge of Stop, Drop, and Roll he began to run around at random.

Everyone tried to get out of his way, but he ran into a fellow protestor and instantly lit his fuel-soaked man dress in the process.

“Eventually the vapors lit and the can blew, and before I it knew they were all a pile of burning falafel kabobs. I immediately began having difficulty breathing because of the all the smoke from the burning remains, but soon a patrol of American troops came along and rescued me.”

“He was in dire straits,” stated Combat Medic SGT Roman Polowski, “I really didn’t know if he was going to make it. I immediately began to perform interventions consisting of irrigating his stars and stripes with Saline, and drying him off with oxygen using a non-rebreather mask.”

Upon arriving back in the United States he was admitted to Walter Reed Army Medical Center for further rehabilitation.

“We expect him to make a full return to duty, but aren’t pushing him too hard. As of right now he is assigned to half staff duty which has unfortunately been occurring at a much higher rate lately. It won’t be too long before Flag 01023492 will be flying proudly at full staff.” stated Dr. Shannon Ross, a distant granddaughter of Betsy Ross.

Flag 01023492 is being meritoriously promoted to honor flag, and is set to return to full duty soon at the Pentagon. There are also rumors that he may even be awarded a medal for “bravery under fire and for the termination of multiple Taliban fighters.”
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on November 09, 2012, 02:40:29 AM
1. If you grow poppies and refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
You may be a Muslim

2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher and ammo, but you can't afford shoes.
You may be a Muslim

3. If you have more wives than teeth.
You may be a Muslim

4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon and pork unclean.
You may be a Muslim

5. If you think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim

6. If you can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
You may be a Muslim

7. If you consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
You may be a Muslim

8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You may be a Muslim

9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
You may be a Muslim

10. If your cousin is president of the United States .
You may be a Muslim

11. If you find this offensive or racist and won't forward it.
You probably are a Muslim
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on November 09, 2012, 07:38:19 AM
Here is a joke to watch.   Requires a very elaborate setup too.   No belly laughs, but I am really impressed with the effect.



There is no mirror.  Just pane of glass, a duplicate room and an identical twin.  
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on November 09, 2012, 10:41:48 AM
How Boys Think

There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a
 flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill
 repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw
 the
 little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with
 one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I
 do." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in,
 she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of
 the
 girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy
 replied, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after
 making it with Amber. So THAT'S the girl I want!" Since the little boy
 was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to
 go
 to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the
 squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still
 dragging
 the frog, paid the Madam and headed out the door. The Madam stopped
 him
 and asked, "why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease
 instead of one of the others?" "He said, "Well, if you must know,
 tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to
 eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my
 babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very
 fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught. When
 Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way,
  he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets
 home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and
 Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman
 will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease
 and
 HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"
>
>
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on November 09, 2012, 04:03:26 PM
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v499/cdu_duck/photo26.jpg)

That sign was posted at a t-shirt company in Des Moines for Barry Sotero's last campaign visit Monday.  The Secret Service told residents and businesses in the "safe zone" around the rally site that their properties would be searched.  This company politely told the Secret Service to pound sand.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on November 16, 2012, 02:34:13 PM

 
Thought for the day.....
 
"Imagine how much self control people who help make "Bubble Wrap" must have! 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on November 16, 2012, 03:02:20 PM
I am pretty sure the boss just duct tapes thier hands shut before they can enter the building
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on November 21, 2012, 05:38:48 PM
In case you are having a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals.
The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so clear that you can make out the face of the Democrat you are holding underwater.

See it worked. You're smiling.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: BAC on November 21, 2012, 06:45:21 PM
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thought for a minute and said, "Did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh . . . no, I didn't know that."

"And," the lawyer continues, "did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely caught off guard, says, "Well, no. I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

The lawyer replies, "So then . . . if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on November 21, 2012, 07:37:48 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on November 24, 2012, 01:34:23 PM


An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture on the ill effects that gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse, smoking, and staying out late has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving a lecture like that at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 24, 2012, 01:37:31 PM
Adult Scrabble...


Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body, which is even more useful when erect.


P N E S I






People who thought SPINE might possibly become medical professionals, the rest will more than likely just become very entertaining forum friends!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 24, 2012, 02:40:01 PM
 >:(   :(

A joke called irony?

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on November 24, 2012, 04:30:07 PM
>:(   :(

A joke called irony?



This maybe shouldn't be in the "jokes" section.  But I guess we don't have a section for "So true it hurts."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 25, 2012, 12:20:36 PM
This maybe shouldn't be in the "jokes" section.  But I guess we don't have a section for "So true it hurts."

I figured it was one of those "gotta laugh to keep from crying" type things.   :-\
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 30, 2012, 08:17:00 PM
DON'T MESS WITH OLD WOMEN
 

SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL. AS SHE
STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND
CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH
A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.
 
The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, saying,
"Hey Old WOMAN, have you ever danced?"
 
THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I
NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."
 
A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID,
 "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED
SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.
 
THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR - NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF -
STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST
BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED
HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.
 
THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED
SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS. THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY
THROUGH THE DESERT AIR. THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND
VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED
AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING
HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.
 
THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS,
AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER LICKED A MULE'S BUTT?"
 
THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO MA'AM... BUT...
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jp1 on November 30, 2012, 09:33:54 PM
Joe was relaxing watching T.V. and having a few beers one Friday night.

His wife comes in sits down and says “what’s on the T.V.”?

Joe says DUST.

Rest of the night did not go well.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 30, 2012, 09:37:21 PM
Joe was relaxing watching T.V. and having a few beers one Friday night.

His wife comes in sits down and says “what’s on the T.V.”?

Joe says DUST.

Rest of the night did not go well.


Bet this was the same guy who asked his wife what she wanted for her birthday..........
And when she replied, "Something that will go from 0 to 200 in less than 4 seconds..."
He bought her a bathroom scale.

Ouch!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 03, 2012, 05:01:08 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 03, 2012, 06:38:22 PM
;D

Should send that to Boob Costas.
Point out that the rock doesn't have a gun.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 04, 2012, 02:43:39 PM
 ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on December 04, 2012, 04:05:39 PM
One night, Obama is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Barak asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, then fades away.

The next night, Obama is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Obama calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, like I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.

Barak still isn't sleeping well the third night when he sees yet another figure moving in the shadows. It is Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?" Obama pleads.

Abe replies "Go see a play."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 04, 2012, 04:58:38 PM
 :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: lhprop1 on December 05, 2012, 10:45:26 AM
:o

I do believe she did just layeth the smack down upon his wretched soul.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on December 05, 2012, 11:55:30 AM
Sharp lady.....


I think she'd meet TAB's qualifications for a very attractive woman.  I'd have to agree.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fatbaldguy on December 05, 2012, 03:24:41 PM
One night, Obama is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Barak asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, then fades away.

The next night, Obama is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Obama calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, like I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.

Barak still isn't sleeping well the third night when he sees yet another figure moving in the shadows. It is Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?" Obama pleads.

Abe replies "Go see a play."

Stolen, forwarded, and re-posted   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on December 06, 2012, 08:29:57 PM
Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the
reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I
would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for
Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
* *

Dear Timmy,
Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all
fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the
time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to
get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you
something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus

* *
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract,
set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to
granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this
joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at
my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit
trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
* *

Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria,
need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it
a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action,
well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney’s have been
on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be
more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I
alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social
skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the
bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
* *

Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was
attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends
into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys
and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console,
my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
* *

Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on
one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He sees
you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar,
genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your
shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people
that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll
all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you
asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in
you’re ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy
* *

Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.
Timmy
* *

Timmy,
That’s what I thought you little bastard.
Santa
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 06, 2012, 09:31:27 PM
Stolen and forwarded !  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on December 07, 2012, 04:56:02 PM
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?” Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.
The first is that I iron better than you.” Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?” Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.” Wife: “Oh yeah?
” Maria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.” Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?” Maria: “Jor hozban did”
Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?” Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.” Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?” Maria: “No Señora… The gardener did.” Wife: “So how much do you want?”
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 12, 2012, 05:22:14 PM
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The
 only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all
 the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he
 couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
 
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in
 Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young
 Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a
 hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
 
KABOOM!
 
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
 
KA-BLOOEY!
 
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
 
BULLS-EYE!
 
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
 
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of
 football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
 
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the
 coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his
 mother.
 
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
 
"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
 
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've
 won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands
 of my adoring fans."
 
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there
 are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your
 two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and
 I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The
 old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,
 
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 12, 2012, 07:19:05 PM
It could have been worse.
It could have been Detriot.
But then they don't win Super Bowls , do they ?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on December 12, 2012, 08:53:16 PM
 :'(
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on December 13, 2012, 08:53:28 AM
 
 Holiday Ride Program
 
With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my family & friends about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well three days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.
 
Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it................any suggestions ?
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on December 13, 2012, 05:29:15 PM
You know how surpise morning sex is just the best kind of sex of all..........................except for in prison.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 15, 2012, 07:07:39 PM
This reminds me of my ex.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fatbaldguy on December 15, 2012, 07:44:33 PM
This reminds me of my ex.

Ex? Hell, that is a picture of my wife's brother.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on December 17, 2012, 10:45:15 AM
An oldie but a goody.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on December 18, 2012, 09:59:01 AM
Investment Opportunity

Thought you might want to consider getting on board early....

A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well.

He says prophets are going through the roof.

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on December 21, 2012, 01:59:20 AM
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doi...ng?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'

HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on December 21, 2012, 03:08:52 AM
Hi All,

With the Christmas and New Year holidays fast approaching us I would like to share a personal experience with you my friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know, some of us have been known to have close shaves with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a “social session” out with friends.

Well, a few days ago I was out for an evening with friends and we had several beers followed by some rather nice red wine. As I was feeling a little bit happier than normal,
I had the good sense to know that I might be slightly over the limit. That is when I did something that I have never done before, I took a taxi home.

Sure enough, as I was heading home, there was a police road block, checking for .05 etc., however since it was a taxi they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This to me was a real surprise, as I had never driven a taxi before, I don’t know where I got the taxi from and now it is parked in my garage and I don’t know what to do with it.

So drive safely over the holiday period; Merry Christmas.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on December 21, 2012, 03:11:40 AM
A woman meets a man in a bar.



They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.



They get back to his place,



and as he shows her around his
apartment.
She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is


completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.


There are three shelves in the
bedroom,

with hundreds and hundreds of cute,

cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them

and she was immediately touched

by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.


There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,


medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.


She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy

to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.

but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,

after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips


He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom

where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in
the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well,how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,

strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes,
and says:








'Help yourself to any prize
from the middle shelf'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on December 21, 2012, 06:22:31 AM
The Welfare Check

A young man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system...getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old
man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're 'sh!tt!n' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well...you started it."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bic on December 21, 2012, 09:22:20 PM
Sorry about this...or I may be in the morning...


I saw a fortune teller the other day.
She told me I would come into some money.

Last night I did a girl called Penny - is that spooky or what?


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 22, 2012, 10:11:26 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on December 22, 2012, 06:08:29 PM
Ingredients:
* 2 cups flour
* 1 cup butter
* 1 cup of water
* 1 tsp baking soda
* 1 cup of sugar
* 1 tsp salt
* 1 cup of brown sugar
* Lemon juice
* 4 large eggs
* Handful of nuts
* 2 bottles wine
* 2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the wine to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the wine again.
To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy
bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make
sure the wine is still OK. Try another cup ... Just in case. Turn off the
mixer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried
fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner.. If the fried druit
gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the
wine to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something.
Check the wine. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one
table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink. Whatever you can find. Greash the
oven. Turn the cake tin 360degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to
beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the
wine and wipe counter with the cat. Go to Coles or Woolies and buy cake.
 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on December 22, 2012, 06:58:54 PM
Not quite in the mood for vagina today, I'll try the large intestine please.

(http://i.imgur.com/olpzO.jpg)




Bet your all glad I am back. Now.  Hehe.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on December 22, 2012, 07:10:08 PM
The phrase mounted policeman has never been so relevant


(https://www.icmag.com/ic/picture.php?albumid=646&pictureid=864041)

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ichiban on December 22, 2012, 08:02:39 PM
Damn you!  You owe me a keyboard.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on December 23, 2012, 06:35:14 AM
sheesh phil your supposed to get that stuff off peoples machines and turn them into PeTa or something not post that here lol

But speaking of animals and boobies
enjoy




Yeah I know we wasnt speaking about animals and boobies but its time we was!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on December 23, 2012, 07:11:52 PM
In the coming New Year, 2013, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day.




This is an ironic juxtaposition of events. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication.




The other involves a groundhog. . .
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on December 29, 2012, 03:14:42 AM
A message from the Queen

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

———————–

1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).

————————

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’

——————-

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

—————–

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

———————-

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

———————-

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

——————–

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

——————-

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

——————-

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

———————

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

———————

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

———————

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

——————–

13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

—————–

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

—————

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 29, 2012, 10:36:19 AM
#4 and #6 are mutually exclusive .
We either continue to drive on the right or we double the number of lawyers, guns and therapists.
Should probably add bookie stands to all the new roundabouts to cash in on the new revenue source.

#13
If we tell you it was Bush's fault will you go away ?
Or do we have to kick your azz for a 3rd time ?
Does that little pissamire island have enough ships to send an Army over here, or do we have to go over there ?
Again.

(You could probably rent ships from Singapore, but you will face high insurance rates since with out our help you don't do so well in the convoy department. )
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on December 29, 2012, 05:13:53 PM
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After along period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand-loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

”I wasn't!“
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on December 31, 2012, 06:12:28 PM
"Hello, is this the Police?"

"Yes!  What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Smith!  He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Police descend on Billy’s house.  They search the shed where the firewood is kept and using axes, they bust open every piece of wood but find no marijuana.  They swore at Billy and left!

The phone rings at Billy's house: "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the Police come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Merry Christmas, Buddy"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 05, 2013, 09:27:42 PM

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right
outside of the ladies dressing room for his mom to come out. While
waiting, the little boy gets bored and just when his mom comes walking
out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.

"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women
have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky
stars he didn't get bitten.

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women
have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One
night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over. After
an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you
could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to
her crotch.

"HELL NO!" he cries, "You've got teeth down here!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "There's no such thing as teeth
down there!"

"Yes there are," he says, "My mom told me."

"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that,
she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No I' m sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that ALL women have
teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws
her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down
there."

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the
condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!" 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on January 05, 2013, 10:18:05 PM
A Protestant , a Catholic and a Mormon are talking one day.
The Protestant says, "I've got 4 kids, one more and I could have my own basketball team."
The Catholic say's, "Well, I've got 8 kids, one more and I could have my own baseball team."
The Mormon say's, "That's nothing, I've got 17 wives, one more and I could have my own golf course."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on January 07, 2013, 03:29:58 AM
A South African policeman spots a black guy dancing on the roof of a car.

He radios for backup, saying... "I've got a darkie dancing on a Volkswagen."

"You can't say that over the radio." replies the operator

"You have to use politically correct terminology."

"OK" he says "Zulu.... Tango.... Golf...."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on January 07, 2013, 08:18:45 AM
A South African policeman spots a black guy dancing on the roof of a car.

He radios for backup, saying... "I've got a darkie dancing on a Volkswagen."

"You can't say that over the radio." replies the operator

"You have to use politically correct terminology."

"OK" he says "Zulu.... Tango.... Golf...."

I got it.
Not sure everyone will though .  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: 1Buckshot on January 07, 2013, 11:13:30 AM
I got it.   


  Zulu------Tango------Golf
Black guy- Dancing the Tango- On a Volkswagen Golf


Bad Just Bad  ::) ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 07, 2013, 12:55:52 PM

Bad Just Bad  ::) ;D

The joke or the dancing?





 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on January 07, 2013, 01:01:50 PM
The joke or the dancing?
 ;D

Yes !
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on January 07, 2013, 01:03:39 PM
I guess if he had been drinking and had different tastes in dancing, it would have been...


Whiskey...  Zulu  .....    Foxtrot  ....   Golf ....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: 1Buckshot on January 07, 2013, 04:00:49 PM
Now it's just sounding like pilot talk to me. ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 07, 2013, 08:53:22 PM
 A teacher asks each of the kids in class what they need at home.
 
Joey says "A computer." The teacher replies, "That would be very useful."
 
Kimmy says "A new lawn mower," and gets a similar response.
 
Little Johnny pops up and says, "At my house we don't need anything!"
 
The teacher asks him to think again carefully, as everybody needs something.
 
Little Johnny replies, "No I'm sure. When Obama was re-elected, I remember my dad saying, “Well, that's the last f***ing thing we needed.”
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on January 09, 2013, 07:17:32 PM


A reporter asks Bill Clinton, "How's Hillary's head?"

Bill replied, "Well, she's no Monica."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on January 10, 2013, 04:59:19 AM
Tim decided to tie the
knot with
his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the
honeymoon,
he was assembling some loads for an upcoming
hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After along period
of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now
that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting,
handloading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and
boat."

Tim gets this

horrified look on his face.

She says,
"Darling, what's wrong?"

”There for a
minute you were sounding like my
ex-wife.”

"Ex wife!"
she
screams, "I didn't know you were married
before!"

”I
wasn't!“
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on January 10, 2013, 12:52:16 PM
A Navy Destroyer stops four Muslims in a row boat, rowing towards England . "The captain gets on the loud haler and shouts
"Ahoy, small craft, where are you heading?"
One of the Muslims stands up and shouts,
"We are invading the UK!"
The crew of the Destroyer all start laughing and when the captain finally stops laughing, he gets back on the loud haler and says
"Just the four of you?"
The Muslim stands up again and shouts,
"No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on January 10, 2013, 12:59:14 PM
A Navy Destroyer stops four Muslims in a row boat, rowing towards England . "The captain gets on the loud haler and shouts
"Ahoy, small craft, where are you heading?"
One of the Muslims stands up and shouts,
"We are invading the UK!"
The crew of the Destroyer all start laughing and when the captain finally stops laughing, he gets back on the loud haler and says
"Just the four of you?"
The Muslim stands up again and shouts,
"No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"


That's no joke when you consider England's capital city is referred to as "Londistan" .
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: blackwolfe on January 11, 2013, 01:38:57 PM
> " Morning Sex "
>
> She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
> soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,
> wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
>
> As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
> "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
>
> My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or
> this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment,
> I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
>
> Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
> her T-shirt still around her neck.
>
> Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
>
> She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: blackwolfe on January 11, 2013, 06:48:40 PM


Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida newspapers:
(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)
 
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking
sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
 
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out
a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
 
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type,
let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
 
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on
the cob and caramel candy.
 
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play
the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
 
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's
put our two heads together.
 
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea,
valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on January 13, 2013, 04:18:48 PM
On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were
listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We
are going to have 8 to 10 inches of  snow  today. You must park your car on
the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week or so later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio
announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must
park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can
get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

A few days later they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must  park...."
Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a
worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of
the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding that all long-married husbands possess,
he replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time?"

   
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on January 13, 2013, 05:06:59 PM
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, ...'How about that?... I just ordered a glass of champagne too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said.... 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating.'

This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer... As they clinked glasses he added,... 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man.... 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman.... 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said...... 'What a coincidence!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 14, 2013, 02:25:53 PM
LOL   ;D

Reminds me of this one:


An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.

The doctor asks him how he's feeling.

The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I have a new 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins, "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. His eyes aren't so good any more and one day when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting on a log beside the stream. He raised his cane and realized it wasn't a gun, so for giggles he just said, "Bang! Bang!" Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say it was somebody else that pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "Exactly."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on January 16, 2013, 10:49:04 AM
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The
devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished
the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes
him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is
finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she
writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is
finished the devil informs him that the call was free.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got
to call the USA for free. The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama
took over, the whole country has gone to hell, so it's a local call.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 18, 2013, 10:35:06 PM
A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/ West Virginia Stateline. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley, WV, to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on January 19, 2013, 05:26:41 PM
President Obama decided to call Hillary Clinton and see how she was feeling after her recent head injury.  But when he dialed the phone, Bill picked up.  Barack, said, "Bill, I just called to ask about Hillary.  How's her head?"  Bill replied, "Well, she's no Monica Lewinsky..........................."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 21, 2013, 01:20:10 PM
It appears that old habits are hard to break for ol' William the Slick..........  ;D

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on January 24, 2013, 06:25:12 PM
A little girl goes to the barber with her father.When it's his turn to get his hair cut she stands next to him while eating a snack cake. The barber looks at her and says You're going to get hair on your twinkie,to which she replys "Yup, and I'm going to get boobs too"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on January 24, 2013, 08:26:02 PM
A tourist in Vienna goes through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827."

Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony, and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.

When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on January 26, 2013, 12:47:15 PM

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Not worth it, soldier on!"

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My misses packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
 
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: DanPatWork on January 26, 2013, 04:25:43 PM
Got this one off the email circuit........ "Natural born salesman"


Ole..... A born salesman

Ole, the smoothest-talking Swede in the Minnesota National Guard, got called up to active duty.

Ole's first assignment was in a military induction center. Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI life insurance, to which they were entitled.

The officer in charge soon noticed that Ole was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge.

The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Ole's sales pitch.

Ole stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If yoo haf da normal GI insurans an' yoo go to Afghanistan an' get yourself killed, da governmen' pays yer beneficiary $20,000. If yoo take out da supplemental insurans, vich cost yoo only t'irty dollars a mont, den da governmen' got to pay yer beneficiary $200,000!"

"Now," Ole concluded, "Vich bunch yoo tink dey gonna sen' to Afghanistan first?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on January 26, 2013, 10:29:05 PM
http://theoatmeal.com/comics/dog_paradox
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on January 30, 2013, 05:13:12 PM
(http://kneeslapperz.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/wm.jpg)



 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on January 30, 2013, 07:09:46 PM
http://www.wdrb.com/story/20706503/post-foods-llc-announces-new-honey-bunches-of-oats-greek-honey-crunch-cereal

Nutrition up the ass ?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on January 31, 2013, 07:21:51 AM
http://www.wdrb.com/story/20706503/post-foods-llc-announces-new-honey-bunches-of-oats-greek-honey-crunch-cereal

Nutrition up the ass ?


Uh, Tom?  How the hell do you eat your cereal?

Sheesh, dude, you ought to put it on YouTube!

Crusader
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 31, 2013, 05:13:12 PM
(http://kneeslapperz.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/wm.jpg)



 ;D

That is exactly the TRUTH right there.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on January 31, 2013, 06:33:31 PM
Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend
the rest of your day...

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.

By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses.

How should he express himself?


Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...

Scroll Down





He opens his mouth and says. 'I would like to buy a pair of Sunglasses'.

If you got this wrong -- please turn off your computer
and call it a day.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on February 01, 2013, 05:24:19 PM
Bud the Cowboy
   
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture
in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud
of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses
and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you
exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a
calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it
to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area
in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports
it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has
been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database
through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry
and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have
exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with
amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your
business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though
nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a
question I never asked. You used millions of dollars' worth of equipment
trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a
thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that
matter. This is a herd of sheep."

"Now give me back my dog."


AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 04, 2013, 06:51:47 PM


If you ever wondered which side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test!

If a Republican doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.

If a Democrat doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a Republican is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.

If a Democrat is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a Republican is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.

If a Democrat is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

If a Republican is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.

If a Democrat is down-and-out he wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a Republican doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.

A Democrat demands that those they don't like be shut down.

If a Republican is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.

A Democrat non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.

If a Republican decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.

If a Democrat decides he needs health care, he demands that the rest of us pay for his.

If a Republican reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.

A Democrat will delete it because he's "offended
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 04, 2013, 06:52:16 PM
Questioning Male logic
 
Lady: Do you drink?

 Man: Yes

 Lady: How much a day?

 Man: three 6 packs
 
 Lady: How much per 6 pack

 Man: about $10.00
 
 Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

 Man: 15 years

 Lady: So one 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3  packs a day which puts your
spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

 Man: Correct

 Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past
15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

 Man: Correct

 Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have
been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now
bought a Ferrari?

 
 Man: Do you drink?

 Lady: No

 Man: Where's your Ferrari then?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on February 06, 2013, 06:50:13 AM
HELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP
           
DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, and short sets.  Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers - decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first one - and I can't wait!


            ----------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins.  Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.


            ----------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 3

At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.


                        ---------------------------------------------------


DEAR DIARY - DAY 4

Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne.  He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.


                        ----------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.  Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night.   Again I declined.

He told me that if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.


                                      ----------------------------------------------------



DEAR DIARY - DAY 6

Today I saved 2600 lives.

     
 
Twice.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: JC5123 on February 08, 2013, 04:31:14 PM
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 08, 2013, 09:00:31 PM
That's old, but I still laugh every time I read it .   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on February 09, 2013, 07:07:39 PM
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks,
but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting
the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed
to God, USA , they decided to send it to President Obama. Obama was so
amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $
5.00 bill. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a
little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat
down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

        Dear God:
        Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed
that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C. and that
asshole Obama took $95.00 out in taxes.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on February 11, 2013, 07:38:00 PM
Obama was looking for a call girl.
He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.
To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'
She replied, "$200."
To the brunette he asked the same question.
Her reply was "$100."
He then asked the redhead.
Her reply was,
"Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes...
.....my panties as low as my wages....
....get "that thing"of yours as hard as the times we are living in and keep it rising like the price of gas, ...
...keep me warmer than it is in my apartment....
... and screw me the way you have retirees......
 .....then you can have it for free, like the immigrants."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on February 15, 2013, 09:10:32 AM
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
 
 The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
 
 In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things…
 
 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
 
 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
 
 3. I'm a six-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
 
 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
 
 5.. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
 
 Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

 


 
 The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, “Well no! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five f'n times.”

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fatbaldguy on February 16, 2013, 06:15:46 PM
 Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?

 The answer can be found by posing the following question:

 You're walking down a

 deserted street with your wife

 and two small children .



 Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife

 comes around the corner,

 locks eyes with you,

 screams obscenities,

 raises the knife, and charges at you . . .



 You are carrying a

 Kimber 1911 cal . 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot .

 You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family .

 What do you do?






 THINK CAREFULLY AND

 THEN SCROLL DOWN:



 Democrat's Answer:

 Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

What is a Kimber anyway?

 Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?

 Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

 Could we run away?

 What does my wife think?

What do the kids think?

 Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the

 knife out of his hand?

 What does the law say about this situation?

 Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?

 Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of

 message does this send to society and to my children?

 Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

 Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content

 just to wound me?

 If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get

away while he stabs me?

 Should I call 9-1-1?

 Why is this street so deserted?

 We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day .

If we can we make this a happier, healthier street that would

 discourage such behavior .

 I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and

 try to come to a consensus .

 This is all so confusing!



 Republican's Answer:



 BANG!


 Southerner's Answer:


 BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

 Click . . . . . (Sounds of reloading)

 BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

 BANG!

 BANG!

BANG!

 Click



 Daughter: 'Nice shooting, Daddy!'

 'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!



 Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'


 Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 17, 2013, 09:36:00 AM


Two American tourists are driving through Wales. They decide to stop for a bite to eat in the village of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogo-
gogoch.

Baffled by the name, one of them turns to a local and asks, “Would you please say where we are—very slowly?”

The Welshman leans over and says, very slowly, “Burrr-gerrr Kinngg.”
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on February 17, 2013, 08:48:10 PM
This technically advanced age of ours, just goes to show communications between spouses is still important !
 
Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:   "Windows frozen, won't open."
 
Husband texts back:   "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
 
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:   "Computer really screwed up now!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on February 19, 2013, 04:31:42 PM
Hot Coffee
 
Gotta love those grandkids.
 
I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter
 and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?".
 
Without skipping a beat she said, "It's President's Day!".
 
She's smart, so I asked her "What does President's Day mean?".
 
I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln, etc.
 
She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps
 out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have
 4 more years of Bull S---."
 
You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: GASPASSERDELUXE on February 20, 2013, 06:50:17 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Xoe5Vjl90-o

Laught your ass off.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 22, 2013, 10:39:19 PM
I'm already heading for the corner but I couldn't resist this one !

A new term known as 'Lesbionics'....


 1. What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?
 A licker cabinet

 2 What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
 A Klondyke
 3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
 Militia Etheridge

 4. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
 Fur Traders.

 5. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
 Well Hung.

 6. What do you call lesbian twins?
 Lick-a-likes.

 7. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
 One's a snack cracker; the other's a crack snacker.

 8. What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 FEDERAL or STATE workers?
 100 people that don't do Dick.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 23, 2013, 05:19:35 PM
I'm already heading for the corner but I couldn't resist this one !

A new term known as 'Lesbionics'....


 1. What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?
 A licker cabinet

 2 What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
 A Klondyke
 3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
 Militia Etheridge

 4. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
 Fur Traders.

 5. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
 Well Hung.

 6. What do you call lesbian twins?
 Lick-a-likes.

 7. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
 One's a snack cracker; the other's a crack snacker.

 8. What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 FEDERAL or STATE workers?
 100 people that don't do Dick.

Don't forget about the two species of dinosaurs that were unearthed recently at a dig near San Francisco, and believed to have been of the Lesbanus Lizardus variety..... one was called the Lictalottapuss and the other is called the Liketalickdapuss.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on February 24, 2013, 06:22:06 PM
This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo.

On the way home I stopped at the gas station and this drop dead gorgeous blond was filling up her car at the next pump.

She looked at the ammo in the back of my car and said in a very sexy voice, “I’m a big believer in barter, big boy.
Would you be interested in a trade of sex for ammo?”

I thought it over for a few seconds and responded……”Well, just what kind of ammo have you got to trade?”
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on February 25, 2013, 11:55:47 AM
Women in Leather Dresses
Did You Know This About Leather Dresses? ?
Do you know that when a woman wears
a leather dress,
a man's heart beats quicker,
his throat gets dry ,
he gets weak in the knees,
and he thinks irrationally ?
Ever wonder why?


It's because she smells
like a
New Truck!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on February 26, 2013, 08:35:15 AM


George Bush, Queen Elizabeth,






and Putin all die and go to hell.



 






While there, they spy a red phoneand ask what the phone is for.

The devil tells them it is






for calling back to Earth.






Putin asks to call Russia






and talks for 5 minutes.






When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.







Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes.






When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.







Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours.  When He is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.


 






When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies,






"Since Obama took over,






the country has gone to hell,






so it's a local call."





 





Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 26, 2013, 11:33:23 AM
Women in Leather Dresses
Did You Know This About Leather Dresses? ?
Do you know that when a woman wears
a leather dress,
a man's heart beats quicker,
his throat gets dry ,
he gets weak in the knees,
and he thinks irrationally ?
Ever wonder why?


It's because she smells
like a
New Truck Holster!

FIFY.

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on February 26, 2013, 01:33:13 PM
FIFY.

 ;D

I wonder if you intended the double meaning there?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 26, 2013, 02:55:30 PM
BLACK BRA size 38 D
The Business Deal

A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black bras, size 38 D. The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25 bras.

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.

The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's remaining stock of

50, and this time for $75.00 each.
The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 D bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"

The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to Jewish men for $200.00 each."

...and this is why the Chinese own us!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 26, 2013, 02:59:32 PM
I wonder if you intended the double meaning there?

I was having a slow day and didn't........

.......but now that you mention it..........  :o  :o




I haven't been to the corner in a while........  ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 26, 2013, 04:12:06 PM
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.

I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.

I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on March 03, 2013, 05:02:16 PM
Well, I guess this can be called a joke....at least the lyrics show some wit.



and found another version



Well, looks like Obama has been responsible for creating one new industry....gonna stop looking

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on March 04, 2013, 07:11:55 AM
Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With 25 Cal Pistol

This is a story of self control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy shooter by a woman against a fierce predator.
What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?
The Beretta Jetfire:
While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!
Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took…….the bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
It's one of the best pistols in my collection……...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 04, 2013, 03:45:42 PM
That joke reminds me of badgersmilk but he preferred a .22.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on March 04, 2013, 10:00:21 PM
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman,

"I still prefer the pubs back home.

In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Shahan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another,
all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
"Did this actually happen to you,Paddy ?"

"Not me meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on March 05, 2013, 09:20:21 AM
             The Marine

ONCE A MARINE ALWAYS A MARINE! >> On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Marine , and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married"

She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?

He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said: Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out!"

She giggled and said, "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight ?"

He looked her up and down and said, " Mission Accomplished."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on March 05, 2013, 02:56:28 PM
Here is latest Obama program to help us out. It is aimed at semi-older and older workers, 50+ years of age.

It is called RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
If you are RAPED, you can apply for SHAFT (Special Help After Forced Retirement).
If RAPED and SHAFTED, you can request a review under SCREW (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
You can be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice, but SCREWED on end forever under normal Government Guidelines.
Also, If RAPED, you are eligible for AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents and Spouses).
Or alternatively you can apply for HERPES (Half earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Any persons receiving AIDS or HERPES: WILL NOT HENCEFORTH BE SHAFTED OR SCREWED BY THE GOVERNMENT (unless needed for budget purposes).
For those persons not RAPED and stay on at work, they will receive SHIT (Special High Intensity Training).
Government takes pride in the amount of SHIT it gives its people.

Signed: Committee for the Economic Value of Individual Lives (EVIL).
Cosigned: Barak Obama, President.

PS: Due to pending Budget Cuts, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on March 06, 2013, 07:26:21 PM
If only this was funny..
******************

  Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58.
The counter girl took  my $ 2 and I was digging for my change
when I pulled 8  cents from my pocket  and gave it to her.
She stood there, holding the nickel  and 3 pennies, while
looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her
discomfort and tried to tell her  to just give me two quarters,
but she hailed the manager  for help. While he tried
to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and
cried. Why do I tell you this?
Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
 
*1. Teaching Math In 1950s*
 
*A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost
of production is 4/5 of the
price. What is his profit ?
 
*2. Teaching Math In 1960s*
*
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost
of production is 4/5 of the
price, or $80. What is his profit?
 
*3. Teaching Math In 1970s*
 
*A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost
of production is $80. Did
he make a profit?
 
*4. Teaching Math In 1980s*
*
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost
of production is $80 and
his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
 
*5. Teaching Math In 1990s*
 
*A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is
selfish and inconsiderate and
cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He
does this so he can make a profit of $20.. What do you
think of this way of making
a living? Topic for class participation after answering
the question: How did the birds
and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?
(There are no wrong answers,
and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )
 
*6. Teaching Math In 2009*
*
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El
costo de la producciones
es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?


*7. Teaching Math In 2013*

Who cares, just steal the lumber from your rich neighbor's property. He won't have a gun to stop you, and the President says it's OK anyway 'cause it's redistribution of the wealth.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on March 07, 2013, 06:03:08 PM
Just a reminder of how clever the female population can  be!

 There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved  all of
 his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money.

 


 He  loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died,  he
 said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all  my
 money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money  to
 the afterlife."

 So he got his wife to promise him with all her  heart that when he died,
 she would put all the money in the casket  with him.

 Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in  the casket, the wife
 was sitting there in black next to her closest  friend.

 


 When they finished the ceremony, just before the  undertakers got ready
 to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" She had a shoe
 box with her, she came over with the box  and placed it in the casket.

 Then the undertakers locked the casket  down and rolled it away. Her
 friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy  enough to put all that money in the
 casket."

 She said, "Yes, I  promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I  was going to put that money in that casket with him."

 "You mean to  tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket
 with him?"

 "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all  together, put it into my account and I wrote him a  check."

 Send this to every "Clever Female" you  know!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on March 08, 2013, 10:47:12 AM
According to a recent survey it has been determined that doggie style is the prefered position for sex these days....



He sits and begs.....



She rolls over and plays DEAD!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on March 10, 2013, 04:51:47 AM
"G'day mate, Fosters Helpline here. What's the problem, dude?"

"I'm in Australia with the girlfriend and she's been stung on her bits by a Wasp and now
her vagina has completely closed up"

"Bummer, dude"

"Good advice mate, bye"





off to the corner I suppose  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on March 10, 2013, 01:49:41 PM
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report
that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she
explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've
stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and
even the accelerator!' she cried.. The dispatcher said,
'Stay calm... An officer is on the way.' A few minutes
later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says.
'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on March 10, 2013, 01:51:48 PM
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex...' He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on March 14, 2013, 12:44:34 PM
Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No." said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

"Have you ever seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked.
"Uh, no." he said.

She gave him another sexy little smile,seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $30,000 all crumpled up?"

"No." he said, now really intrigued.

"Well, go look in the garage..."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on March 15, 2013, 01:46:07 AM
St Paddy's Day humor

    Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

    Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

    Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

    ---------------------------------

    Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' The man said, 'I do, Father.' The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

    Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' 'Certainly, Father,' the man replied. 'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

    Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.' The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

    O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

    ---------------------------------

    Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

    After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

    ---------------------------------

    Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

    'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!'

    'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

    ---------------------------------

    An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

    He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

    'Just water,' says the priest.

    The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

    The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

    ---------------------------------

    Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

    'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

    'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

    'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

    She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

    ---------------------------------

    Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

    He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

    Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place where he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

    In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

    She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

    Patton said, 'Why do you say such a mean thing?'

    'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

-------------------------------------------------

A man enters O'Dougal's Pub and orders three pints. O'Dougal is a bit confused, but fills the order. This continues every night for several weeks. Overcome with curiosity, O'Dougal finally asks why three pints.

"Oh! Me brothers and I live distant from each other. We order three pints every night, one for each of us. It's our way of being together when we're apart."

After months of this, the man enters one evening and orders two pints. O'Dougal finally comes over and speaks, "Everyone here would like to share our condolences on the loss of your brother."

"Me brothers are fine. I've given up drinking for lent."

--------------

"Father O'Malley, me faithful dog passed last night. Would ya mind sayin' a few words over 'im."

"My son, it wouldn't be fittin' an' proper to offer blessin's for a dog."

"I understand, Father, perhaps you could recommend another church. I was willin' to donate, $5,000."

"Ya never told me the dog was Catholic!"

-----------------------------------

The old Irish priest, Father Flannigan O'Flinn, lay dying in the hospital in Washington, DC. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital and was well known among the elected officials.

He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see President Obama and Senator Reid before I die," whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to The President and Congress and waited for a response.

Soon the word arrived; Barak Obama and Harry Reid would be delighted to visit the priest!

As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Reid, "I don't know why the old Irish priest wants to see us, but it'll certainly help our images." Reid agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at Father Flannigan O'Flinn's hospital room, the priest took Obama's hand in his right hand and Reid's hand in his left hand. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally President Obama spoke. "Father, of all the people you could've chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I've always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

"Amen", said Obama. "Amen", said Reid.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."


--------------------


Sorry, guys.. This is the first joke my wife wrote to me, 22 years ago..

--- What's green and white and lives on the porch?

--- Why, it's Paddy O'Furniture!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 15, 2013, 07:44:26 PM
My pencil sharpener:

(http://edgecastcdn.net/800034/www.perpetualkid.com/productimages/lg3/SHRP-1796.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on March 20, 2013, 05:00:44 PM

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
 
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
 
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
 
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."
 
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
 
I rest my case.
 
Time for another beer.
 




 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on March 20, 2013, 07:21:45 PM
ROFL!  :D :D :D


Obama's limo reportedly sidelined in Israel by fuel mixup



It is able to withstand a direct hit from an RPG, and has a built-in air supply so it can drive through a chemical weapons attack, but “The Beast” apparently can’t hold its gas.

President Obama’s heavily armored limousine was sidelined in Israel today after the diesel-powered vehicle was inadvertently filled with gasoline, according to Israeli media reports.


http://www.foxnews.com/leisure/2013/03/20/obama-limo-reportedly-sidelined-in-israel-by-fuel-mixup/?intcmp=features
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 23, 2013, 01:34:57 PM
 ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 02, 2013, 04:57:21 PM
(http://i531.photobucket.com/albums/dd352/pegleg45/296303_487167614665429_1406859354_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 02, 2013, 08:33:57 PM
Good one Peg

If your hose is short
and your pressure's weak
you better stand close
or you'll piss on your feet.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on April 03, 2013, 07:57:37 AM
Boomerangs.

Frisbees for ginger people.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on April 07, 2013, 04:23:35 PM


A State Trooper was patrolling at night off the main highway.  At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.


 He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?

The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?'

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And, her, what is she doing?'

The young man shrugs: 'Sir , I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane and nothing obscene is happening!

The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?'

The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'

The trooper asks: 'And her, what's her age?'

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 08, 2013, 07:35:28 PM
Saw this on FB..............So, in honor of the Birthday of our beloved Hazcat...........

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on April 09, 2013, 10:41:28 PM
For the dog lovers.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 10, 2013, 11:09:15 AM
Now this is funny.....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on April 11, 2013, 11:26:47 PM
hahaha
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on April 11, 2013, 11:28:33 PM

How to rescue the economy:

Dear President Obama,

Patriotic retirement:

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force;

pay them $1 million a piece severance with stipulations:

1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

2) They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.

3) They either buy a house or pay off their mortgage- Housing Crisis fixed.

All this and it's still cheaper than the "bailout".
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 12, 2013, 11:24:11 AM
            40,000,000
          x  1,000,000
-----------------------
40,000,000,000,000.......or 40 Trillion dollars.


That's a lot of shekels.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on April 12, 2013, 06:22:27 PM
President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"

Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Obama:
"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to.
I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!"

Cashier:
"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Obama:
Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier:
"I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama:
"I am urging you, please, to cash this check."

Cashier:
"Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.

Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his check.

So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"

Obama:
Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don't have a clue.

Cashier:
"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 12, 2013, 07:09:48 PM
            40,000,000
          x  1,000,000
-----------------------
40,000,000,000,000.......or 40 Trillion dollars.


That's a lot of shekels.

But if you tax it at 50% the national debt is  paid off as well .
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 17, 2013, 07:02:37 PM

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit
her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead
of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room.
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "as soon as my
mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog because my mom said that
as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!”
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on April 18, 2013, 09:41:24 AM
Four brothers left home for college, and after graduation they became successful doctors
and lawyers.

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together.

They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly
mother who had moved to Florida .

The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know
she can't read anymore because she can't see very well.  I met this
preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took
ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute
$50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it.
Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out
her "Thank You" notes.

She wrote: Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one
room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
 
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can
hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing,
and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the
same."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give
a little thought to your gift. That chicken was delicious. Thank you so much."

Love, Mama
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on April 18, 2013, 02:33:36 PM
Grandpa and Grandma were sitting on the porch rocking...
when all in a flash, Grandma smacked Grandpa upside the head, knocking him off the porch!
He looked around and asked Grandma.. "What the heck was that for!?".
She shakes her finger at him and said...
"That's for having a short penis!".
Well, Grandpa dusted himself of, returned to his rocking chair...
after a few minutes he turned and smacked Grandma upside the head, knocking her off the porch.
She turned and asked Grandpa... "Now what the heck was that for!?".

Grandpa shakes his finger at her and said... "That's for knowing the difference!!".

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on April 22, 2013, 12:51:41 PM
the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: “If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If
you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you
are crying, send me your tears. I love you!

The husband, typically nonromantic, replied,
“I am on the commode. Please advise."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on April 23, 2013, 09:57:00 AM
obama rated 5th best president ever
Of the total of 44 US Presidents:  Obama rated 5th best president ever.  I was just reading a Democratic publicity release that said, "...after a little more than 4 years, Obama has been rated the 5th best president ever!!"
The details...
1. Reagan, Lincoln, and 8 others tied for first
2. 15 presidents tied for second
3. 17 other presidents tied for third
4. Jimmy Carter came in 4th
5. Obama fifth
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on April 23, 2013, 11:12:34 AM
Borrowed!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on April 24, 2013, 08:03:19 AM
hahahaha
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 25, 2013, 10:14:53 PM

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.


He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.


The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.


'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub



Vaseline on the chrome.

It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.


That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.

Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to
tell you something about my family.

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.

In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.

Joe is shocked.


Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs,
in the corridor, everywhere he looks, Dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

He leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her,
right there in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified
when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.

Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her
every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.

She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down.

His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear.
But still....Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouted.
I'll do the f**kin dishes!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on April 29, 2013, 02:06:22 PM
the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: “If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If
you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you
are crying, send me your tears. I love you!

The husband, typically nonromantic, replied,
“I am on the commode. Please advise."


Sent this one to the wife.. Awaiting a response..
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on May 03, 2013, 01:36:26 AM
At President Bush's Library dedication....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on May 03, 2013, 09:28:03 PM
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington - Nothing was moving.  Suddenly a man knocked on the window. The driver rolled down the window and asked, "What's going on?" 

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire U.S. Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they're going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, collecting donations."

 "How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asked.

The man replied, "Roughly a gallon."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on May 04, 2013, 01:47:35 PM
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington - Nothing was moving.  Suddenly a man knocked on the window. The driver rolled down the window and asked, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire U.S. Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they're going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, collecting donations."

 "How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asked.

The man replied, "Roughly a gallon."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: 1911 Junkie on May 04, 2013, 02:19:24 PM
I think I've heard that one before.  :P
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on May 04, 2013, 06:38:51 PM
I think I've heard that one before.  :P

Hey, stop me if you've heard this one:

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington...........





 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on May 06, 2013, 01:01:57 PM
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

 She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You bastards who want off, get the fxxk off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get the fxxk on, cause we're going down the tracks'.

 The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house.

 Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.

 When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

 Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.

 Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.

 We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

 She hears the little boy continue, 'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.

 We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

 As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

 'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on May 06, 2013, 01:06:03 PM
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....

On his first day there, he off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.....

Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.

'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on May 16, 2013, 11:26:25 AM
good reason for Standard Cap magazines..

A man walked into his local crowded bar pulled out a revolver and waved it around yelling " who in here is having sex with my wife". A voice from the back yelled back, " your going to need more ammo!'.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on May 27, 2013, 04:41:25 AM
Two men were walking down the road and came upon this big hole in the ground. Jake picked up a rock and dropped it into the hole and was listening for it to hit the bottom.. When no sound came back, his friend, Luke said lets find a big rock and see if we can hear it hit the bottom.. So they tugged this large rock over to the hole dropped it in and waited for the rock to hit bottom.. Sure enough, not a sound came back.. Jake said man that must be one of those bottomless holes! They looked around and saw this heavy railroad tie, lugged it over to the hole and let her go.. Listening, and listening, not a sound came from the hole, Just about then a goat came tearing out of the woods and jumped right into the hole.. This was beyond their belief. Then they saw this Farmer who came running up to them and ask if they had seen his goat. Well they told him the story about the goat jumping into the hole, and he said naw that couldn't be my goat, I had my goat chained to a railroad tie.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on May 27, 2013, 12:01:21 PM
whats 6 inchs long 2 inchs wide and drives the ladies wild?         a $100 bill
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on May 28, 2013, 08:34:00 PM
whats 6 inchs long 2 inchs wide, drives the ladies wild and makes them cry for "MORE!!"?         a $100 bill
;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on May 29, 2013, 10:35:25 PM
Crow Mystery
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending
danger.

The conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Truck."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on June 03, 2013, 03:10:51 PM


    H.L. Mencken (born 1880 - died 1956) was a journalist, satirist, critic, and Democrat.  He wrote this editorial while working for the Baltimore Evening Sun, which appeared in the July 26, 1920, edition:
    "As democracy is perfected, the office of the President represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people.  On some great and glorious day, the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be occupied by a downright fool and complete narcissistic moron."
                               ----H.L. Mencken, The Baltimore Evening Sun, July 26, 1920
     
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fatbaldguy on June 03, 2013, 05:58:06 PM

    H.L. Mencken (born 1880 - died 1956) was a journalist, satirist, critic, and Democrat.  He wrote this editorial while working for the Baltimore Evening Sun, which appeared in the July 26, 1920, edition:
    "As democracy is perfected, the office of the President represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people.  On some great and glorious day, the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be occupied by a downright fool and complete narcissistic moron."
                               ----H.L. Mencken, The Baltimore Evening Sun, July 26, 1920
     

Stolen and forwarded to lots of democratic fools I know.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 03, 2013, 09:28:55 PM
Stolen and forwarded to lots of democratic fools I know.

The problem with that is that they still won't connect "a downright fool and complete narcissistic moron." with their enlightened won.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fightingquaker13 on June 03, 2013, 09:39:51 PM
A young woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some Crotchless underwear she had seen in a novelty shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned her crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.

"Want some of this?" she purred.

"Are you kidding?", he replied, "Look what it did to those panties!"

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 22, 2013, 08:37:31 AM
http://girlsjustwannahaveguns.com/2013/06/russians-have-a-biting-sense-of-humor-tampon-commercial/
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: robert69 on June 22, 2013, 09:57:03 AM
Ah yes, Texas jokes, told to me by a Texan. (2)
The only thing that slows the wind in Texas is a barbed wire fence.

Did you hear about the Texan who was so big that when he died they could not find a coffin big enough to bury him in?
They gave him an enema and buried him in a match box.
Told to me by a Texan.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on June 25, 2013, 09:24:49 AM
A 55 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
 
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
 
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

(You'll love this)
>
>
>
God replied: "I didn't recognize you."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on June 26, 2013, 09:28:24 PM


Michael Douglas sparked a firestorm a while back claiming that he caught throat cancer by giving oral sex to his wife.

 

This brings up two questions:

 

Is this a sound medical diagnosis or is Michael Douglas just the latest Democrat to blame everything on a Bush?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on June 27, 2013, 07:12:02 AM
Upon hearing Michael Douglas got throat cancer after engaging in oral sex, Angelina Jolie has now had her pussy surgically removed.



After Michael Douglas claimed his throat cancer was caused by oral sex, millions of shocked men are asking the same question.

Just how big is Catherine Zeta Jones's clitoris?




My wife was reading about Michael Douglas contracting throat cancer from performing oral sex on his wife.
"I suppose you think you're lucky there's no chance of you catching that," she said sarcastically.
"I suppose you think you're lucky the dog can't read," I replied.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steve Cover on July 07, 2013, 09:09:18 PM
The Tattoo

Yesterday while my wife was shopping at our local Wall Mart, I ran across a young guy with a tattoo on his forehead.
Being a bit intrigued, I started up a conversation with him.
It seems that He is quite a music fan and decided to have the name of his favorite group tattooed across his forehead.
Unfortunately, neither the tattoo artist, nor his friends seemed to know that there are two "O"s in Maroon.
I didn't have the heart to tell him either.

Best to all.

Steve
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on July 09, 2013, 11:40:51 PM
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on July 10, 2013, 12:40:59 PM
Hilarious. Should be titled Court Jester.

But in fairness to some of the lawyers, sometimes they have to ask what appears to be a stupid question to get facts into evidence.

Like where the attorney asks if any were girls.  If that had to be established, a witness had to say it.  And the attorney could not say,   "So 3 were girls?" after learning none of them were boys because he would have been leading the witness.

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on July 14, 2013, 11:48:13 AM
Last night a man in his 70's lucked out and was able to buy several boxes of AR-15, 5.56 NATO round ammo at the sporting goods store.
 
On the way home he stopped at the 7-Eleven gas station where this drop-dead gorgeous young blonde was filling up her car at the pump next to his. She glanced at the ammo boxes in the back of his Jeep and said in a very seductive voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old timer.  Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"

The old guy thought a few seconds and asked, "What kinda ammo ya got?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on July 22, 2013, 07:04:36 PM

President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"
 
Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
 
Obama:
"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to.
I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!"
 
Cashier:
"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
 
Obama:
Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
 
Cashier:
"I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Obama:
"I am urging you, please, to cash this check."
 
Cashier:
"Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.
 
Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his check.
So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States ?"
 
Obama:
Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don't have a clue.
 
Cashier:
"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on July 26, 2013, 01:25:29 AM
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

“Oh my GOD!” screamed the woman. “That’s disgraceful! Why is he doing that?”

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained,

“I’m very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn’t do that at least five times a day, he’ll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.”

“Oh, well in that case, I guess it’s okay,” said the woman…

As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, “Oh my GOD!  How can THAT be justified?”

Again the doctor spoke very calmly:

“Same illness, better health fund"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on July 30, 2013, 04:23:22 PM
Pregnant Prostitute

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
"For gosh sake, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bic on August 01, 2013, 06:40:46 PM
"The Inland Revenue decide to audit Cyril, summon him to their office for an appointment with their most thorough auditor, who is not surprised when Cyril arrives with his solicitor. The auditor says: 'Sir, you cannot deny that you have an extravagant lifestyle, no full-time employment, and pay no taxes on the grounds of your contention that you win money gambling. I have to tell you that Her Majesty's Customs and Excise finds that explanation difficult to believe.'

"'I am a great gambler and can prove it,' says Cyril. 'Would you like a demonstration?'

"The auditor considers this for a moment and agrees. Cyril says: 'I bet you a thousand pounds I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks for a while, finally says: 'It's a bet.'

"Cyril removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor looks sick.

"'I'll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye,' says Cyril. The auditor can tell Cyril isn't blind, so he accepts the bet. Cyril removes his false teeth and bites the good eye.

"The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost £3,000, with Cyril's solicitor as a witness; he gets very nervous. 'Double or nothing?' Cyril says. 'I'll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on the righthand side of your desk and piss into the bin on the far side without getting one drop anywhere between.'

"The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now but examines the proposal carefully. Cyril is not a tall man, the desk is eight foot wide; he decides there is simply no way Cyril could do that, so he agrees again.

"Cyril stands at the side of the desk, unzips his trousers, strains for all he is worth but cannot make the stream reach the bin on the far side, and finishes up having urinated pretty well all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a sizeable win, then notices that Cyril's solicitor is moaning, with his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' asks the auditor.

"'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning, when Cyril told me he had been summoned to this audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here, piss all over your desk and you would be happy about it . . . and I took the bet.'"


http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvan ... lines.html
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on August 20, 2013, 04:50:16 PM




BEST BARTENDER JOKE EVER
 
 
A lawyer, an Illegal Alien, a Pathological   Liar, a Muslim, a Communist, and a Black Guy walk into a BAR.
 
Bartender says;
 
 
 
 

"What'll it be, Mr. President?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on August 22, 2013, 10:43:21 AM
24 WAYS TO ANNOY A BLUENECK (POLITICALLY CORRECT TERM FOR YANKEE)…

1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.

2. Pronounce all one-syllable words as if they had two syllables.

3. When giving directions, finish with "it's right down yonder on the left." Confuses them no end!


4. Talk REAL slow, and (even when you hear them the first time) always
ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.

5. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em "Delta's ready when you are!"

6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.

7. Refer to every soft drink as a "Coke."

8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus.

9. Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.

10. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie, John Michael, Jim Bob, etc. . . .)


11. Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in
conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War", always
interject that "there was nothing civil about it."

12. Address all males as "son" and females as "little lady".

13. Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It's "Pah-kahn" not "Pee-can".

14. Put Tabasco on everything.


15. For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New
York City. In other words, if they say "Yo, I'm from upstate New Yoik!",
say "Well I'll be, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!"

16. When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies . . . preferably the banana ones.

17. Name all of your children "Bubba".

18. Use the word "reckon" in a sentence and watch their reaction.


19. "Mash" buttons. "Cut off" lights. "Carry" the kids to school.
Always remember (especially in Texas) it's not a "pond", it's a "tank."

20. Never simply "do" something. Always be "fixin' to do" something.

21. Tell them you don't have an accent, they do.

22. Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations . . . Offends the devil out of 'em.


23. Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go
down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used
to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP.
Anyway,
turn right there . . . " "You said left." "Did I? Well, turn left there
and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when
that fish used to be on the other side of town . . . "

24. Ask them if it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on August 22, 2013, 05:02:39 PM
Only a damn Yankee would think Tabasco is actually hot sauce. 

A Southerner wouldn't use the stuff. 

We use Crystal or Louisiana Hot Sauce.

And it ain't pah-kahn.  It's puh-KAHN.  And a pee-can is an emergency toilet when yer on a long drive.

Sheesh...  damn Yankees.

Crusader Rabbit (American by birth;  Southern by the Grace of God)



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fatbaldguy on August 22, 2013, 05:57:56 PM
Well, I reckon I might could do what all was wrote up, but I'm commencin' to get ready to fetch up after work, and eat supper.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 23, 2013, 04:49:13 PM
"Pah-kahn" is what we  do in the cah.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on August 25, 2013, 09:22:26 AM
Only a damn Yankee would think Tabasco is actually hot sauce. 

A Southerner wouldn't use the stuff. 

We use Crystal or Louisiana Hot Sauce.

And it ain't pah-kahn.  It's puh-KAHN.  And a pee-can is an emergency toilet when yer on a long drive.

Sheesh...  damn Yankees.

Crusader Rabbit (American by birth;  Southern by the Grace of God)





Your Southern?

Youu reckon your south? pffft your still north of the equator, when you get any where near 42 deg south come see me.  :P
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on August 25, 2013, 02:30:11 PM
Your Southern?

Youu reckon your south? pffft your still north of the equator, when you get any where near 42 deg south come see me.  :P

Been there. Sidney, Port Adelaide, Perth/Freemantle.  Never made it to Alice Springs though I wanted to.

Really enjoyed yer cold beer and hot women. 

Yer Queenslanders are the closest bunch you have to American Southerners--and they are from the north. LOL

Crusader Rabbit
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on August 25, 2013, 09:41:05 PM
Been there. Sidney, Port Adelaide, Perth/Freemantle.  Never made it to Alice Springs though I wanted to.

Really enjoyed yer cold beer and hot women. 

Yer Queenslanders are the closest bunch you have to American Southerners--and they are from the north. LOL

Crusader Rabbit

Well if your a bloke in Sydney your either married or gay, bit like San Francisco except no one speaky engrish no more.

Port Adelaide they have webbed feet, like Philw, because of all the sand they are basically desert dwellers and have developed a means as not to sink into the sand, may think its just a throw back to their marrying cousins but its an adaption.

Perth is much like Adelaide except has a higher concentration of people with dark complexions, you can usually find them running through the streets with small cans of paint, plastic bags of glue or siphoning petrol (gasoline)  from peoples cars if they arent trying to steal them. Usual greeting usually starts and ends in "bruv" or "hey you white c#nt" classic sophisticated race of creatures.

Now Queenslanders are a breed unto themselves, they have the thought that Queensland is a place god set aside and declared it was the best place ever, fortunately most don't have the intelligence to work out that god was really screwing with them, by placing there 3 of the top ten deadliest snakes, 20ft long saltwater crocs and surrounding their coastline with the largest boat wrecking coral reef in the world, despite this they continue to thrive and spread?

Of course they are all still northern states, where I am from is below all that, in a little place called Tasmania. We are so south that vittles get homesick, marrying your first cousin is seen as a long distance relationship and suits only come in bib and brace or action back.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on August 26, 2013, 04:18:42 PM
Quote
Of course they are all still northern states, where I am from is below all that, in a little place called Tasmania.

Well, you can't be a tiger because the Poms killed 'em all.  So, you must be a devil. 

Never made it to Tasmania, but don't y'all get a little cold down there?

Crusader Rabbit
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 26, 2013, 05:04:43 PM
(http://cdn.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/263523/1060344.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: blackwolfe on August 26, 2013, 09:33:42 PM



The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.
Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should
be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am',
he said, 'I've come to...' 

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been
expecting you.' 

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know
babies are my specialty?' 

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat
!.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch,
and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun.
You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'


'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results.' 

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and
out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby
pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. 

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with..'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good
look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate,
and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.' 

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we
can get to work right away..'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs.  Smith  fainted

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on August 30, 2013, 10:52:40 AM
(http://s3-ec.buzzfed.com/static/enhanced/webdr06/2013/8/22/11/enhanced-buzz-14713-1377186942-14.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on August 30, 2013, 01:54:57 PM
Bring anyone to mind?   ;D ;D

 Why do Marine veterans have a hard time getting a job? It's just not the current bad economy, but also the behavioral job interview questions used nowadays.
For example...

HR Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Marine veteran: "Honesty."...

HR Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness!"

Marine veteran: "I don't give a shit what you think!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 30, 2013, 03:53:37 PM
Doesn't remind me of anyone .
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 31, 2013, 05:08:02 PM
Subject: Understanding Muslims!

>     
>
>     Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim
>       Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
>       Let’s have a look at the evidence:
>       - No Christmas
>       - No television
>       - No nude women
>       - No football
>       - No pork chops
>       - No hot dogs
>       - No burgers
>       - No beer
>       - No bacon
>       - Rags for clothes
>       - Towels for hats
>       - Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower
>       - More than one wife
>       - More than one mother in law
>       - You can't shave
>       - Your wife can't shave
>       - You can't wash off the smell of donkey
>       - You cook over burning camel dung
>       
>       - Your wife is picked by someone else for you
>       - and your wife smells worse than your donkey
>       Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??
>       Well no s**t Sherlock!....
>       It's not like it could get much worse
>       
>       
>       THE MUSLIMS ARE NOT HAPPY!
>       
>       They're not happy in Gaza ..
>       They're not happy in Egypt ..
>       They're not happy in Libya ..
>       They're not happy in Morocco ..
>       They're not happy in Iran ..
>       They're not happy in Iraq ..
>       They're not happy in Yemen ..
>       They're not happy in Afghanistan ..
>       They're not happy in Pakistan ..
>       They're not happy in Syria ..
>       They're not happy in Lebanon ..
>       
>       SO, WHERE ARE THEY HAPPY?
>       
>       They're happy in Australia .
>       They're happy in Canada .
>       They're happy in England ..
>       They're happy in France ..
>       They're happy in Italy ..
>       They're happy in Germany ..
>       They're happy in Sweden ..
>       They're happy in the USA ..
>       They're happy in Norway .
>       They're happy in Holland .
>       They're happy in Denmark .
>       
>       Basically, they're happy in every country that is not Muslim
>       And unhappy in every country that is!
>       
>       AND WHO DO THEY BLAME?
>       
>       Not Islam.
>       Not their leadership.
>       Not themselves.
>       
>       THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN!
>       
>       AND THEN; They want to change those countries to be like....
>       THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY!
>       
>       Excuse me, but I can't help wondering...
>       How damn dumb can you get?
>
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on August 31, 2013, 05:53:35 PM
Sounds like Liberals who move from California because they don't like what it has become to Colorado and begin making it just like California.

Ahhh..No wonder they welcome Muslims

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 31, 2013, 05:56:53 PM
Or Massholes that have moved to NH.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on September 01, 2013, 12:00:22 AM
Bring anyone to mind?   ;D ;D

 Why do Marine veterans have a hard time getting a job? It's just not the current bad economy, but also the behavioral job interview questions used nowadays.
For example...

HR Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Marine veteran: "Honesty."...

HR Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness!"

Marine veteran: "I don't give a shit what you think!"


Story of my life, and I'm not even a Marine!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on September 01, 2013, 12:48:33 PM
Story of my life, and I'm not even a Marine!!

Bring anyone to mind?   ;D ;D

 Why do Marine veterans have a hard time getting a job? It's just not the current bad economy, but also the behavioral job interview questions used nowadays.
For example...

HR Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Marine veteran: "Honesty."...

HR Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness!"

Marine veteran: "I don't give a shit what you think!"


I had a conversation with my new boss recently where he was asking me what I thought of a particular sequence of operations on a process plan I'd developed.

When I answered one his questions, he made a statement questioning my decision and I told him basically that he'd asked my opinion and it was none of my concern that he didn't particularly care for my answer. 

He didn't ask another...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on September 02, 2013, 09:43:44 PM
Marshall brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.

Marshall'ette screams at him as his friend listens in.

"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done,
I'm still in my pyjamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the
hell did you bring him home for?”

"Because he's thinking of getting married."




Corner this ways? >>>>>>>>>>
                                              v
                                              v
                                               >>>>>
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on September 02, 2013, 10:01:49 PM
In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name. For example, Tylenol also has a generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is also called naproxen. Amoxil is also called amoxicillin and Advil is called ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, its recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, dixafix, and of course ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails - highballs", and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "Mount & Do."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on September 03, 2013, 07:49:29 AM
CLOCKS OF HEAVEN
 A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,
 "What are all those clocks?"
 St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
 "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
 "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
 "Incredible," said the man.
 "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
 "Where's Obama's clock?"
 "His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 05, 2013, 10:37:39 AM
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on September 08, 2013, 12:54:55 AM
Not much of a beard on that one!! You sure it's not a hen??
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 14, 2013, 06:13:08 PM
 ::)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on September 15, 2013, 12:43:34 AM
Chocolate Store Magic

A doctor and an engineer entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking around, the doctor stole 3 chocolate bars.

As they left the store, the doctor said to engineer, "Man! I'm the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolate bars and no one saw me. You can't beat that."

The engineer replied, "Okay, you wanna see something better? Let's go back to the store and I'll show you real stealing."

So they both went up to the counter and the engineer said to the shop boy, "Hey, would you like to see some magic?"

The shop boy replied, "Yes!"

The engineer said, "Give me one chocolate bar." The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it... He asked for the second, and he ate that one as well. He asked for the third, and finished that one too.

The shop boy asked, "Okay, what are you trying to pull here? Where's the magic?"

The engineer replied, "Check in my friend's pocket. You'll find all three bars."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sledgemeister on September 18, 2013, 05:02:56 AM
(http://i286.photobucket.com/albums/ll93/aus08_2008/1148890_564923293565158_475006628_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on September 18, 2013, 11:57:38 AM
You tell em, Clyde!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfack on September 18, 2013, 12:10:02 PM
Right turn!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on September 20, 2013, 09:36:10 PM
FUNERAL EXPENSES
 

 Obama goes on a State visit to Israel.  While he is on a tour of Jerusalem, he has a

fatal heart attack.

The undertakers tells the US diplomats: "You can have him shipped home for $1 million or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for $100."

The US diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the undertaker and tell
him they still want Obama flown home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks:  "Why would you spend $1 million to get him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here in this religious country and you would only spend $100?"

One diplomat replied:  "More than 2000 years ago a man died here, was buried here, and just 3 days later he rose from the dead.  We simply can't take that risk".


In God We Trust
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on September 23, 2013, 05:30:03 PM
A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee.  The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"  The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back.  He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea.  He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"  The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches.  He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, honey!  How's about getting me a cold mug of beer?"  He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?"  The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my SNAP card!," he said loudly.


As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."  The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and began to praise the Lord.


Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him, and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."  The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, and he to began to praise the Lord.

Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.  The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ... I'm on disability."


For Those Who Understand, No Explanation Is Necessary.  For Those Who Do Not Understand, No Explanation is possible.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on September 23, 2013, 10:37:25 PM
A guy goes into a bar where there's a robot bartender!

The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey."
The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, . . . but he is curious . . . So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey."
Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about football, Nascar and the Olympics.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.
He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey.
The robot says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says:

"SO, . . . You people . . . still happy. . . with Obama?"

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on September 25, 2013, 05:09:27 AM
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, Someone in this congregation...
 has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.

 This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
 I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.

 Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God
 and this Christian family."
 No one moved.

 The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is
 a falsehood?

 Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.
 Now stand and confess your transgression."
 Again, all was quiet.

 Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a
 runaway train rose from the third pew.
 Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has
 been a terrible misunderstanding.
 I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple
 of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

 The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation
 roared.

 Life is Short.
 Smile while you still have Teeth.

 Give me an Amen Brother!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on September 25, 2013, 10:19:55 PM
Margaret and Bert

Cowboy BootsBert 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife.

“Notice anything different about me?”

Margaret, 75, looked him over. “Nope.”

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked

Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, “Bert, what’s different?

It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Bert yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN MARGARET?”

“Nope. Not a clue”, she replied.

“IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!”

Without missing a beat Margaret replied,

“Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.

Shoulda bought a hat.”
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on October 17, 2013, 10:58:11 AM
 A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the man farts and says, “Seven Points.”

His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?”

The man replied, “It’s fart football… I just scored.”

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, “Touchdown, I’m ahead 14 to 7.”

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, “Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.”

Now the pressure’s on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.

Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, “What the heck was that?”

The man replied, “Half-time, Switch sides.”
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on October 29, 2013, 04:14:43 PM
A doctor had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal to his patient were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:



"You’re a veterinarian, you sick bastard ."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 29, 2013, 04:22:16 PM
Mitch, That's BAAAAAD .
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on October 31, 2013, 05:46:05 PM
why don't witchs wear panties?    its easier to hang on to the broom.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bic on November 04, 2013, 02:47:48 PM

Jenny, a blonde girl came skipping home from school one day.







"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10.   
See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"





"Very good," said her mother.





"Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.





"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.





... The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G.   See?   A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"





"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.





"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"





"Yes, it's because you're blonde."





The next day Jenny came skipping home from school.
  "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.






 





               .





"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.





"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"





"No Honey, it's because you're 24."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 04, 2013, 06:18:13 PM
 ;D

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on November 05, 2013, 08:18:32 AM
The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.

 Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good", said the teacher.

Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

 Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip &Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" Then I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 07, 2013, 01:38:45 PM
Obamacare definitely falls into the "classic joke" thread.........


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on November 09, 2013, 01:40:45 PM
Inspired of the YouTube I posted in another thread, I am putting a Bob Newhart selection here....and will do more soon.



From the album The Button Down Mind of Bob Newhart

http://www.amazon.com/Button-Down-Mind-Bob-Newhart/dp/B002UPQ23W

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on November 09, 2013, 09:43:07 PM
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini.
"Dry?" asks the bartender.
"The German replies "Nein, just one."


A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
"Don't you mean a martini?" asked the bartender.
the Roman says "If I wanted a double, I would have ordered one."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on November 10, 2013, 06:25:28 AM
Nice!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 12, 2013, 08:09:24 PM
 :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on November 13, 2013, 12:45:09 AM
Inspired of the YouTube I posted in another thread, I am putting a Bob Newhart selection here....and will do more soon.



From the album The Button Down Mind of Bob Newhart

http://www.amazon.com/Button-Down-Mind-Bob-Newhart/dp/B002UPQ23W



I had this one when I was a kid. It was my #2 after Brother Dave Gardner for me..
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on November 30, 2013, 11:31:41 PM
A man enters his local bar holding a frog and an iguana. He sets them down on the bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of." "Ok," says the bartender. "How 'bout 'Blue Moon'?" The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing blue moon. "That's amazing," says the bartender as he slaps down $1000. "I'll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that to." "Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana. You're on. Have him sing the Star Spangled Banner." The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner. As the bartender hands over another $1000, a businessman comes up and says, "I just saw that and I was amazed. I want to buy your iguana for $100,000." The man said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the businessman left. The bartender said "What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!" The man said "Oh, the iguana can't sing.
The frog's a ventriloquist."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 01, 2013, 01:55:44 PM
A man enters his local bar holding a frog and an iguana. He sets them down on the bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of." "Ok," says the bartender. "How 'bout 'Blue Moon'?" The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing blue moon. "That's amazing," says the bartender as he slaps down $1000. "I'll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that to." "Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana. You're on. Have him sing the Star Spangled Banner." The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner. As the bartender hands over another $1000, a businessman comes up and says, "I just saw that and I was amazed. I want to buy your iguana for $100,000." The man said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the businessman left. The bartender said "What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!" The man said "Oh, the iguana can't sing.
The frog's a ventriloquist."

Ha!!!.....
Good one!!  ;D  ;D  ;D



And stolen to share.  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on December 04, 2013, 09:57:06 PM
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers. "Hello?" "Mrs. Sanders, please." "Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well.

We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.
We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we could have, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."
''Well, what am I supposed to do now? "

"The folks at Obama health care recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on December 07, 2013, 10:50:35 AM
On the first day of Christmas...

                             Miss Agnes McHolstein
                             69 Cash Avenue
                             Beaver Valley, Colorado

                             December 14, 1994

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered
a partridge in a pear tree.  What a thoroughly
delightful gift. I couldn't have been more
surprised.

                    With deepest love and devotion,

                    Agnes

On the second day of Christmas...

                            Miss Agnes McHolstein
                            69 Cash Avenue
                            Beaver Valley, Colorado

                            December 15, 1994

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift.
Just imagine two turtle doves.  I'm just delighted
at your very thoughtful gift.  They are just
adorable.

                            All my love,

                            Agnes

On the third day of Christmas...

                            Miss Agnes McHolstein
                            69 Cash Avenue
                            Beaver Valley, Colorado

                            December 16, 1994

Dearest John:

Oh!  Aren't you the extravagant one.  Now I really
must protest.  I don't deserve such generosity,
Three French hens. They are just darling but I must
insist, you've been too kind.

                            Love,

                            Agnes

On the fourth day of Christmas...

                            Miss Agnes McHolstein
                            69 Cash Avenue
                            Beaver Valley, Colorado

                            December 17, 1994

Dear John,

Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds.  Now
really, they are beautiful but don't you think
enough is enough. You're being too romantic.

                            Affectionately,

                            Agnes

On the fifth day of Christmas...

                            Miss Agnes McHolstein
                            69 Cash Avenue
                            Beaver Valley, Colorado

                            December 18, 1994

Dearest John:

What a surprise.  Today the postman delivered 5
golden rings; one for every finger.  You're just
impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds
squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

                            All my love,

                            Anges

On the sixth day of Christmas...

                            Miss Agnes McHolstein
                            69 Cash Avenue
                            Beaver Valley, Colorado

                            December 19, 1994

Dear John:

When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese
a-laying on my front steps.  So, you're back to
the birds again, huh?  Those geese are huge.  Where
will I ever keep them?  The neighbors are
complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.

Please stop.

                            Cordially,

                            Agnes

On the seventh day of Christmas...

                            Miss Agnes McHolstein
                            69 Cash Avenue
                            Beaver Valley, Colorado

                            December 20, 1994

John:

What's with you and those crazy birds?  7 swans
a-swimming. What kind of terrible joke is this?
There's bird shit all over the house, and they
never stop with the racket.  I can't sleep at
night and I'm a nervous wreck.  It's not funny.
So stop sending me all these birds!

                            Sincerely,

                             Agnes

On the eighth day of Christmas...

                            Miss Agnes McHolstein
                            69 Cash Avenue
                            Beaver Valley, Colorado

                            December 21, 1994

O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds.  What am I going to do
with 8 maids a-milking?  It's not enough with all
those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to
bring their cows!  There is shit all over the lawn
and I can't move in my own house.  Just lay off me,
smart ass.

                            Agnes

On the ninth day of Christmas...


                            Miss Agnes McHolstein
                            69 Cash Avenue
                            Beaver Valley, Colorado

                            December 22, 1994

Hey!  Shithead,

What are you?  Some kind of sadist?  Now there's 9
pipers playing.  And boy, do they play.  They've
never stopped chasing those maids since they got
here yesterday morning. They cows are getting upset,
and they're stepping all over those screeching
birds. What am I going to do?  The neighbors have
started a petition to evict me.

                            You'll get yours,

                            Agnes

On the tenth day of Christmas...

                            Miss Agnes McHolstein
                            69 Cash Avenue
                            Beaver Valley, Colorado

                            December 23, 1994

You Rotten Sadist,

Now there's 10 ladies dancing.  I don't know why I
call those sluts ladies.  They've been messing with
those pipers all night long.  Now the cows can't
sleep and they've got the diarrhea. My living
room is a river of shit.  The Commissioner of
Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this
building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm sicking the police on you.

                            One who means it.

On the eleventh day of Christmas...

                            Miss Agnes McHolstein
                            69 Cash Avenue
                            Beaver Valley, Colorado

                            December 24, 1994

Listen!  Looser,

What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids
and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk
again.  Those pipers ran through the maids and
have been committing sodomy with the cows.  All
23 of the birds are dead.  They've been trampled
to death in the orgy.  I hope you're satisfied,
you rotten, vicious swine.

                            Your sworn enemy,

                            Agnes

On the twelfth day of Christmas...

                          Law Offices
                          Badger, Bender and Cahole
                          303 Knave Street
                          Chicago, Illinois

                          December 25, 1994

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12
fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to
inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total.  All
correspondence should come to our attention.
If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein
at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have
instructions to shoot you on sight.  With this
letter please find attached warrant for your
arrest.

                          Cordially,

                          Badger, Bender and Cahole
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on December 07, 2013, 12:41:26 PM
Early one morning, an elderly retired fighter pilot yelled to his wife....
 
"Honey!! Come see what I created!! It's an abstract panorama depicting the five years of the Obama presidency!"
 
She yelled back, "Flush the toilet and come eat your breakfast."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on December 07, 2013, 12:43:27 PM
newspapers

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on December 07, 2013, 02:19:09 PM
About the 12 days of Christmas....maybe 10 or 15 years ago, I saw a video of that...they had little kids maybe 5 years old or so and each kid was put in charge of keeping the gift of the day in place on stage...and they did it so that each day's gift was repeated on each of the following days.

Event he kid with one partridge each day was getting swamped.  Don't remember what they did for some of the stuff, but they came up with something suitable for a kid to try to herd...

It was adorable and watching the kids trying so hard and seeing their looks of dismay as more and more charges were turned over to them....and they kept trying.

I have never been able to find that video again and thought I'd ask if anyone might know a source for it.  It was shown on a Cable Channel, something like Lifetime maybe.

Any help?

Another video, probably on the same channel, was about a couple of kids who were left in charge of a pet store while the owner had to go out.  Customers in on the story came in and helped things get out of hand...The kids just kept trying to maintain order and were making some surprisingly good decisions, but the deck was stacked against them.

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on December 07, 2013, 04:51:42 PM
Sometimes the best jokes show up in real life:

(http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e330/m58/Scannedat1-15-20109-48AM.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on December 12, 2013, 04:43:44 AM
With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you all about drinking and driving after a "social session" with friends.

Well, this past Saturday, I was out on a post-Thanksgiving evening with long-lost friends. I had a few cocktails, followed by a handful of glasses of vintage red wine. Despite the jolliness, I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before: I took a cab home.

Sure enough, there was a police road block on the highway looking for drunk drivers but, since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was both a great relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it and, now that it is in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fatbaldguy on December 14, 2013, 08:57:32 AM
How cold is it?  It was so cold the other day, that I actually saw a democrat with his hands in his OWN pockets! 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on December 16, 2013, 11:40:24 AM
8 Words With 2 Different Meanings


1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female...... Any part under a car's hood.

Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.


2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male..... Playing football without a cup.



3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .

Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.



4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.

Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one .



5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.



6. FLATULENCE (flat-u-lens) n.

Female.... An embarrassing by - product of idigestion.

Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.



7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.<-------Yes!



8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.


Report this post
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on December 18, 2013, 07:39:08 AM
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?... What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old ugly woman, for only she would have the answer..

But the price would be high; as the woman was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the old woman. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old ugly woman wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the woman answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the woman had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the ugly woman had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The young beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared ugly, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends; but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old ugly woman? Or, would he prefer having a hideous woman during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.

BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.


OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?


The moral is.....


If you don't let a woman have her own way....

Things are going to get ugly...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on December 18, 2013, 07:56:30 AM
um, things are going to get ugly anyways
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: JoeG on December 18, 2013, 09:13:17 AM
Entertaining AND deep from Tab...Who knew! :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steve Cover on December 21, 2013, 12:17:43 PM
How cold is it?  It was so cold the other day, that I actually saw a democrat with his hands in his OWN pockets! 8)
Man that must have been COLD
Someplace freezing over comes to mind....

Steve
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on December 28, 2013, 04:38:24 PM
Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Australia now," replied the teacher, "From now on you will be known as Kevin."
Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Australia and now my name is Kevin."
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat him.
Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises.
"What happened to you, Kevin?" she asked.
"Well Miss, shortly after becoming an Australian, I was attacked by two farking Arabs."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on December 31, 2013, 12:15:40 PM
 PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO  Chicago   WHEN A

BLONDE IN  ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND

MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS  SECTION AND

SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS,

AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID

FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL

HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL,

I'M GOING TO  CHICAGO     AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT

AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT

THERE IS A BLONDE  BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS,

THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK

TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO

EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY

SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M

BEAUTIFUL, I'M  GOING TO CHICAGO AND I'M

STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE

PROBABLY SHOULD  HAVE THE POLICE WAITING

WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST  THIS BLONDE

WOMAN, WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE?

I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE.

I  SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS

IN HER EAR,  AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY."

AND GETS UP AND GOES  BACK TO HER SEAT

IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE

AMAZED AND  ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO

MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT
ANY FUSS.


I TOLD HER FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO  CHICAGO   

 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on December 31, 2013, 08:35:28 PM
I have a new neighbor….She lives right across the road….
I can see her place from my deck….She's single and very good looking...….

I watched as she got home from work this evening which is New Years Eve.
I was really surprised when she walked across the
street and up my driveway and knocked on MY DOOR.

I rushed to open it, she looks at me and says, "I just got home and I am
feeling so amorous! Since it is New Years Eve, I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make passionate love all night long! Are you busy tonight?"

I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free, I have absolutely no plans at all!"

She said, "Great! Could you watch my dog for me when I leave?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on January 03, 2014, 08:13:31 AM

Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with nurse,
his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them:
"Bernie , I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza ."
"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center ."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says,


"Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hardworking man to have accumulated all this property".




 

Sarah replies, "Property? The asshole has a paper route!"


 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on January 03, 2014, 10:12:45 AM
Husband takes the wife to a disco.
There's a guy on the dance floor living it large -
break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy?
25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!


 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on January 08, 2014, 11:06:44 AM
  It could happen to any of us ..

$5.37! That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.  I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet! A mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought.  I opened the door and headed back inside.  I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted!   What am I now?  A toddler?

"Dude!  Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"  I stared with utter disdain at the keys.  I began to rationalize in my mind.

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!  It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck.  I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.  What now? I checked my keys and tried another.  Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.  I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus.  The car seat in the back seat.  Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.  A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.  That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!  My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time.  There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.  All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"?  At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue.  I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.  He was holding up a drink and a bag.  His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK.  My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.  And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.  I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.

Notice the larger type? That's for those of us who have trouble reading.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on January 08, 2014, 07:27:45 PM
I can relate to that!

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on January 09, 2014, 09:54:11 AM
Now, that is interesting...

but one question.  Do you have a system for finding your way home that usually works?

Thanks.    ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on January 09, 2014, 09:56:36 AM
Now, that is interesting...

but one question.  Do you have a system for finding your way home that usually works?

Thanks.    ;D ;D ;D

My mommy, I mean wife, has sewn my name and address in my underware and pinned an if found note to my collar.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on January 09, 2014, 09:58:32 AM
My mommy, I mean wife, has sewn my name and address in my underware and pinned an if found note to my collar.

How many of you are of the age or locality to remember the old school days when mothers pinned notes to their children's coats or shirts?

And, how many of you wonder in your older years why mom always used a straight pin rather than a safety pin?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on January 09, 2014, 10:03:37 AM
My mommy, I mean wife, has sewn my name and address in my underware and pinned an if found note to my collar.

That is a super idea..it should work for me too.

Do you think she would mind sewing my name and address in your underwear too?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: lhprop1 on January 09, 2014, 11:53:09 AM
I'm still in the "damn kids" phase where I shake my fist and use unkind words to describe today's 'yoots' whom I can't even begin to understand, with their fancy internet phones and their disco music and such.

I'm only 38. 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on January 09, 2014, 01:36:52 PM
I'm still in the "damn kids" phase where I shake my fist and use unkind words to describe today's 'yoots' whom I can't even begin to understand, with their fancy internet phones and their disco music and such.

I'm only 38.

Ahhh...you are grouchy beyond  your years =)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: lhprop1 on January 09, 2014, 02:26:31 PM
Ahhh...you are grouchy beyond  your years =)

My wife always says that I'm a grumpy old man stuck in a young man's body. 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on January 09, 2014, 05:20:55 PM
Don't need a note pinned to my shorts......I use breadcrumbs to find my way home!

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on January 09, 2014, 10:19:10 PM
Don't need a note pinned to my shorts......I use breadcrumbs to find my way home!

Richard

Don't look now, but M'ette's flying monkeys have been eating stray bread crumbs.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on January 10, 2014, 12:48:08 PM
I heard that whole bread crumb bit was a myth...don't you guys ever check Snoopes?


Mette's monkeys are the real deal, though, and need be be avoided.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on January 10, 2014, 04:02:37 PM
I came across this legitimate headline

DENY, DENY, DENY: White House denies Gates’ charge that Biden is often wrong

and my first thought was that the best argument to counter it is that   Biden is always wrong
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on January 11, 2014, 12:59:44 PM
Solus, I saw that yesterday and thought it was a "big f**king deal" .  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on January 13, 2014, 08:19:47 PM
What a brilliant idea this is.  At least women can feel safe now. 


With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded car parks, especially during evening hours, Cardiff  City Council has established a "Women Only" car park at the new  St. David’s Shopping Centre.  Even the attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons. 

Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only car park in Wales. 


(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/WelshCarPark_zps8e2f4ebf.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on January 28, 2014, 01:28:52 PM
In this New Year, 2014, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day.

This is an ironic juxtaposition of events. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication.

The other involves a groundhog.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: lhprop1 on January 28, 2014, 02:23:11 PM
That would be nice if they were both on the same day, but they're not.  Groundhod Day is on Feb 2.  SotU is tonight, January 28. 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on January 28, 2014, 03:25:55 PM
That would be nice if they were both on the same day, but they're not.  Groundhod Day is on Feb 2.  SotU is tonight, January 28.

He preemps Congress and now the Groundhog. 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on January 29, 2014, 09:16:20 AM
ihprop1, I got that in an e-mail and didn't check it out!  My bad...

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on January 30, 2014, 06:17:18 AM
In a Detroit church one Sunday morning, the preacher said "Anyone with
"special needs" who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the
front by the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the preacher asked,
"Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his
other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and
prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole
congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few moments, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked,
"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, " I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on January 30, 2014, 10:32:32 AM
A really old man came up to me at the cash machine and asked me to help him check his balance ...
So I pushed him over.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on January 30, 2014, 10:54:58 AM
In a Detroit church one Sunday morning, the preacher said "Anyone with
"special needs" who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the
front by the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the preacher asked,
"Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his
other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and
prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole
congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few moments, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked,
"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, " I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."

HA!! This is sooo stolen!  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 30, 2014, 03:45:56 PM
I'm so dense it took a while for that to sink in.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: red364 on January 30, 2014, 04:18:31 PM
                                          The Dead Parrot



At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the
 caretaker at your country house."

 "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

 "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he
 is dead".

 "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

 "Si, Senor, that's the one."

 "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he
 die from?"

 "From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

 "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

 "Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

 "Dead horse? What dead horse?"

 "The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

 "My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

 "Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

 "Are y ou insane? What water cart?"

 "The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

 "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

 "The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught
 on fire."

 "What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of
 a candle?!"

 "Yes, Senor Rod."

 "But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

 "For the funeral, Senor Rod."

 "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

 "Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I
 thought
 she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with the custom Wenig Exhibition Grade Stock.

 SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.

 "Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun, you're in deep shit."




Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on February 07, 2014, 12:36:42 AM
I was standing at the bar of the Southern Cross at Cooly Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.
 
I asked  him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"
 
He says "No, why the fruck you ask me that?  Is it because I am Chinese?"
 
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 07, 2014, 11:21:18 AM
 :o

(http://media.rob.nu/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/1662259_10152164118130758_506966828_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bic on February 08, 2014, 02:52:44 PM
A Scotsman was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside him so he leans over and says,




 "You remind me of my little toe"



 She replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?"



He says, "No. I'll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk."


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on February 09, 2014, 06:20:23 PM
I just had a examination, the doctor said to me that I appear to be in good health.

He ask me if I have any medical concerns?'

As a matter of fact I do. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly . . .

and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."

When the doctor examined my wife later he said, 'Everything appeared to be fine with her also.

He asked her also are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'

My wife replied that she had no questions or concerns at all.

The doctor then said to her: 'Well, your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed

that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time . . . and then hot and

sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea why?'

"Oh, that crazy old coot!!!'' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: lhprop1 on February 10, 2014, 11:34:53 AM
I ended up with an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 65-year-old.  In fact, she wasn't bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a 'Sportsman's Double'?

'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'.

We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, "Hey 'Mom...you still awake?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman42782 on February 10, 2014, 06:16:00 PM
Magic Sandals




A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica .
They were touring around the market-place looking at the
goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say,
'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop..'
So the married couple walked in.


The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you
would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex..'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what
the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the Sex God that he was.


The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his
eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican,
bent him over the table, yanked down his pants,
ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold
of the Jamaican's thighs.


The Jamaican began screaming in panic: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on February 13, 2014, 07:49:33 AM
Two Scottish nuns were sitting at a traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them. "Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross."
So
Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin' wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 13, 2014, 02:36:49 PM
Three Holy Men and a Bear...no Lutherans participated.

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion..

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.  'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the way to start."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on February 15, 2014, 06:43:30 PM
Pete decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his
Guns. His wife was standing there watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I
Think it's time you quit hunting and shooting. Maybe you should sell
Your guns."

Pete gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong ?"

"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!," she screams. "I didn't know you were married
Before!"

"I wasn't...!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 27, 2014, 04:03:47 PM
When you've had an absolute "I hate my job" day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested"

Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson Company".

Have a nice day everyone and remember, there is always someone with a worse job than yours.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on March 01, 2014, 03:00:15 PM
(https://scontent-a-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/1236622_246773082139359_881079893_n.jpg)

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: GASPASSERDELUXE on March 01, 2014, 03:26:16 PM
A good one. Also stolen.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 03, 2014, 11:10:42 AM
When you've had an absolute "I hate my job" day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested"

Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson Company".

Have a nice day everyone and remember, there is always someone with a worse job than yours.


Yep.

(http://www.funnyandhappy.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/Human-Target-Stand-255x255.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: lhprop1 on March 03, 2014, 03:16:25 PM
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 03, 2014, 05:50:00 PM
Yes.... English lessons may help.

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D



(http://www.politifake.org/image/political/1304/speak-american-english-battaile-politics-1365350755.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 06, 2014, 04:18:35 PM
 ;D

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on March 08, 2014, 07:53:03 AM
A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex:

Husband: Sukitaki.

Wife replies: Kowanini!

Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!

Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!

Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this.

As if you understand Japanese!

Unbelievable!

I knew you would read anything as long as it is about sex.

You need help!!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on March 14, 2014, 04:34:26 PM
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they                   
have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.  One day while
they were walking past the hospital swimming                           
     pool,   Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the
bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him.  She swam to the bottom and 
pulled him out.  When the Head Nurse                                 
Director became aware of  Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her
to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be
mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news &
bad news.  The good news is you're                                 
being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis
by jumping in  & saving the life of the person you love...  I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe
belt right after you saved him.  I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..  How
soon can I go home?'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on March 14, 2014, 04:38:58 PM
Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.
 
My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.
 
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food,
and I would even thank you more
if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert.
And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
 
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby,
I heard a woman remark,
"That's what's wrong with this country.
Kids today don't even know how to pray.
Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"
 
Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me,
"Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
 
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him,
an elderly gentleman approached the table.
 
He winked at my grand-son and said,
"I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
 
"Really?" my grand-son asked.
 
"Cross my heart," the man replied.
 
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added
(indicating the woman whose remark
had started this whole thing),
 
"Too bad she never asks God for ice cream.
A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
 
Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal.
My grand-son stared at his for a moment,
and then did something I will remember the
rest of my life.
 
He picked up his sundae and, without a word,
walked over and placed it in front of the woman.
 
With a big smile he told her,
 
"Here, this is for you.
Shove it up your ass you grouchy old bitch! "

 
 
Touches the heart doesn't it?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on March 17, 2014, 12:54:16 PM
The wife's back on the warpath again.
Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

 
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

 
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

 
After suffering from depression for a while, the wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday. 
But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, screw it, I'll soldier on!
 

I woke up this morning at 8 and just felt that something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
Then I remembered that McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.
 

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
 

My wife packed my bags and said "GET OUT!!!" As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay?"
 

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bic on April 16, 2014, 06:17:47 AM
I went to a local nightclub last night.

It was Golden Oldies night, but I went anyway.

They played "The Twist", so I twisted.

They played "Jump", so I jumped.

They played "Come on Eileen" - and that's when they threw me out.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: lhprop1 on April 22, 2014, 02:10:53 PM
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

[dramatic pause]

"Hi George. Say what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad, I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on April 23, 2014, 12:59:47 PM
A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:
 Husband :-I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.
 Inspector :-What is her height?
 Husband :-I never checked.
 Inspector :-Slim or healthy?.
 Husband :-Not slim, can be healthy.
 Inspector :-Color of eyes?
 Husband :-Never noticed.
 Inspector :-Color of hair?
 Husband :-Changes according to season.
 Inspector :-What was she wearing?
 Husband :-Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.
 Inspector :-Was she driving?
 Husband :-yes.
 Inspector :-color of the car? . . . . .
 Husband :-black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 liter V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door....................?.and then the husband started crying...
 Inspector:-Don't worry sir,.....We will find your car.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on May 28, 2014, 01:55:12 PM
One Monday morning the mailman was driving through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.  As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
 
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine, and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.
 
"'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the mailman commented.
 
David, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00o’clock Sunday morning. 
We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for a party and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I?'
 
The Mailman thought for a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
 
‘Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing  through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..'
 
The mailman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
 
'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded, 'your name came up 7 times.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on June 05, 2014, 06:23:37 AM
New Threat in California

Investigative sources in California say that radical Muslims are planning to go
on a rampage in the city of Los Angeles, killing anyone who is a U.S. citizen.

Police officials fear the death toll could be as high as 9.

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 05, 2014, 12:25:57 PM
New Threat in California

Investigative sources in California say that radical Muslims are planning to go
on a rampage in the city of Los Angeles, killing anyone who is a U.S. citizen.

Police officials fear the death toll could be as high as 9.

Yeah..... a classic example of the humor in truth.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bic on June 18, 2014, 10:15:03 PM
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.

Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.

Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand ? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite !"

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: lhprop1 on June 19, 2014, 09:50:26 AM
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, an Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, an Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, an Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a very fine restaurant.

 "I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group, "You can't come in here without a Thai. "
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on June 21, 2014, 02:42:49 AM
I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. 
Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days...all my cows!
He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine!

I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ............. but they kind of taste like peppermint.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 27, 2014, 07:36:46 AM


EIGHT THOUGHTS TO PONDER

 

Number 8

Life is sexually transmitted.

 

 Number 7

 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 

 Number 6

 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.

 

They can't tell them apart.

If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

 

 

Number 5

 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.


Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you

for weeks, months, maybe years.

 

 

 Number 4

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,


lying in the hospitals,dying of nothing.

 

 

 

 Number 3

All of us could take a lesson from the weather.

 

It pays no attention to criticism.

 Number 2

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.


Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

 

 

 

 And The Number 1 Thought

 Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers—

 

What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.



 ... and as someone recently said to me:

  " Don 't worry about old age-- It doesn't last that long."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ranger Dave on July 27, 2014, 03:12:53 PM
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with
one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, ' I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister s in the 3rd grade
and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3d grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the
situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed
to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and heagreed to take the test.

Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry:
'9.'

Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can
go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging
open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out
soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means
a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Fire Truck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on July 29, 2014, 05:20:47 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKWmFWRVLlU&feature=youtube_gdata_player
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ranger Dave on July 29, 2014, 06:43:39 PM
Tab isn't your wife a redhead ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on July 29, 2014, 11:01:25 PM
Tab isn't your wife a redhead ;D
 

And she has a fire down bellow... not just from her red hair....

 ;) :P :o 8) ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on July 31, 2014, 09:33:45 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKWmFWRVLlU&feature=youtube_gdata_player

TOO FUNNY!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ranger Dave on September 14, 2014, 09:17:31 PM
young hunter asks an older hunter "What was the cheapest cut of meat he could think of?"

Older hunter said he didn't know

Younger hunter said deer nuts you can get them under a buck.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ranger Dave on September 14, 2014, 09:19:20 PM
How can you get a man to play with 3 pounds of fat?








Put a nipple on it

Off to the corner I go ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on September 22, 2014, 07:18:35 AM
Beyond Blonde!


Linda Burnett, 26, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and,
while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the
windows rolled up and her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of
her head.

He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes
were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and
Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been
holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors
were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on
the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise
that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her
head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and
thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.
Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could all be
a coincidence.



The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from
2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.





Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bic on September 25, 2014, 07:27:29 PM
Tasty apples......

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Xy5SKsTNwc
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on October 04, 2014, 06:42:45 AM
HAHAHAHAHA!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on October 07, 2014, 02:03:04 PM
Kids do the darndest things....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 31, 2014, 09:52:31 AM
Happy Halloween y'all.......  :o  :o   ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on October 31, 2014, 01:07:05 PM
Marshal, You have to add "Like" and "Unlike" buttons!  That one gets a BIG "LIKE"!

JMHO

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 31, 2014, 03:27:41 PM
I read online that last year 4,213,257 people got married.



Shouldn't that be an EVEN number ?  ???    ??
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on October 31, 2014, 06:03:35 PM
I read online that last year 4,213,257 people got married.



Shouldn't that be an EVEN number ?  ???    ??

If you got married twice, you only got counted once.   :D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on October 31, 2014, 10:11:27 PM
Maybe someone married something other than human.  :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 31, 2014, 11:15:42 PM
Maybe someone married something other than human.  :o


Might've married the pumpkin.     :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on November 01, 2014, 06:14:37 AM
Maybe someone married something other than human.  :o

That was my thought as well .   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 01, 2014, 06:05:38 PM
Or maybe the guy from another thread patched things up with the pitbull.   :-\
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on November 02, 2014, 06:08:02 AM
Peg, that's bad.  ;D
But if marriage is not confined to "one man and one women" then I guess EVERY  aspect is open to debate.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on November 02, 2014, 02:01:36 PM
don't forget about polygamy....



although why a man would want more than one wife I have no idea
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on November 02, 2014, 02:06:26 PM
Bigamy:  Having one wife too many.

Monogamy:  Same thing.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: bulldog75 on November 02, 2014, 04:15:15 PM
The three lesbians in Mass that got married.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on November 03, 2014, 06:01:27 AM
Hey TAB, if they're fighting with each other they're not getting on your case .  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 03, 2014, 04:23:44 PM
What's the punishment for polygamy?

Having more than one mother-in-law.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on November 03, 2014, 06:56:52 PM
What's the punishment for polygamy?

Having more than one mother-in-law.

Marry sisters.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on November 03, 2014, 07:59:49 PM
I dated two stepsisters in high school.  I do not recommend it.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on November 04, 2014, 10:55:40 AM
I dated two stepsisters in high school.  I do not recommend it.   ;D

When I was in the Army, we ran a background check on a guy and the investigation revealed that he had joined the army to get away from the consequences of having 9 women, all who went to his high school- no idea if they were still attending, pregnant at the same time.  2 sets of them were sisters. 

His clearance was denied.  Blackmail was not a concern, but an exploitable weakness was the issue.   
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on November 23, 2014, 05:59:23 PM
A fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up – fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman.
 However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, “My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay Cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put Money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.”
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside.
“Is that really true about your father?”
 “No,” the boy said, “He works for the Democratic National Committee and helped to get Obama re-elected, but it’s too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on December 07, 2014, 09:10:56 AM
A wise person once said.
 
1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
 
2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.
 
3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.  A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
 
4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser.  Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
AND
 
5. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit… A  recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on December 08, 2014, 03:08:11 AM

1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor,
You may be a Muslim.

2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher,
but you can't afford shoes, You may be a Muslim.

3. If you have more wives than teeth, You may be a Muslim.
 
4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand but consider bacon
to be unclean, You may be a Muslim.

5. If you think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide,
you may be a Muslim

6. If you can't think of anyone you haven't declared jihad against,
You may be a Muslim.

7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives
in your clothing, You may be a Muslim.

8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses
other than setting off roadside bombs, You may be a Muslim.

9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should
own at least four, You may be a Muslim.






Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 08, 2014, 01:29:36 PM
You missed the last two Bill.

10. If your cousin is President of the United States.
      You may be a Muslim.

11. If you find this offensive or racist and don't forward it.
      You may be a Muslim.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 08, 2014, 04:20:11 PM
9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should
own at least four, but still prefer goats in matters of love........ You may be a Muslim.


Accuracy counts.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 10, 2014, 03:52:03 PM
YOU HAVE GOT TO WATCH THIS VIDEO


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-c1x4JZnjSc

I don't know why, but when I try the "embed video" button it comes up invalid youtube link.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on December 10, 2014, 04:10:22 PM
You have to get rid of the "s" in https

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 10, 2014, 04:24:23 PM
Thanks Bill.
The toilet paper is bad, but dosing the ice is flat evil .
Water boarding is for amateurs.
Almost pissed myself when he shoved the shower head down his pants.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on December 10, 2014, 05:13:57 PM
I can't take credit for knowing that. I think it was Alf who told me about it. I'm not that computer literate.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on December 10, 2014, 07:12:33 PM
I've heard that horse liniment soaked into a leather motorcycle seat will have a similar effect  ..just a 60 mph
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 11, 2014, 07:48:20 AM
Remember "Absorbine Jr"
That's all it was was a watered down version of Absorbine horse liniment.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on December 11, 2014, 10:01:01 AM
Put Oil Of Wintergreen on your ass and it will have the same effect.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on December 11, 2014, 10:08:01 AM
(http://i812.photobucket.com/albums/zz50/billt460/DumbestCitizens_zps3e9a323b.jpg) (http://s812.photobucket.com/user/billt460/media/DumbestCitizens_zps3e9a323b.jpg.html)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on December 14, 2014, 06:43:53 PM
I'm guessing this is a joke....


https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=1578042883777

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on December 15, 2014, 06:20:42 PM
Should have read "Polish Police Chase!"

Richard


PS:  No offense to my many Polish friends!  LOL
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on December 18, 2014, 09:38:46 AM
Rules for Women to Live By (They are all numbered 1 for a reason!)

 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

 1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

 1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

 1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be!

 1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair and by then you're stuck with her.

 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

 1. Crying is blackmail.

 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

 1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

 1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do! Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

 1. Check your oil! Please.

 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

 1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

 1. ALL men see only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

 1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

 1. You have enough clothes.

 1. You have too many shoes.

 1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

 1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

 Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on December 22, 2014, 01:13:09 PM
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
 One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:

Dear God,
 I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
 Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope...
 Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
 The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
 Christmas came and went.
 A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
 All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.


 It read:

Dear God,
 How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
 Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of
your wonderful gift.
 By the way, there was $4 missing.
 I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on December 30, 2014, 05:53:11 PM
The Redskins Name Objection:A great example of progressive, liberal thinking.

The Federal Government, which has Tomahawk cruise missiles, Apache and Lakota helicopters and used the code name Geronimo in the attack that killed Osama bin Laden, officially objects to the name of the Washington Redskins.

Are you kidding me???
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on December 30, 2014, 06:08:22 PM
The Redskins Name Objection:A great example of progressive, liberal thinking.

The Federal Government, which has Tomahawk cruise missiles, Apache and Lakota helicopters and used the code name Geronimo in the attack that killed Osama bin Laden, officially objects to the name of the Washington Redskins.

Are you kidding me???

Ironincal, ain't it...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on January 05, 2015, 02:15:03 PM
A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
The husband rolls over, looks at the clock and it's half past 3 in the morning. "I’m not getting out of bed" he thinks and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there.
It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost! It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy is drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife.” He needs our help and it's the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, He shouts,
"Hey, do you still want a push?"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yes....please."

Still being unable to see the stranger he shouts,

"Where are you?"


The drunk replies, "Over here....on the swing."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on January 08, 2015, 05:43:44 AM
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna
hear a blonde joke?”
 
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, a woman next to him says, “Before you tell that
joke, Cowboy,
I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five
things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
 
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde
joke?”
 
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, “No … not
if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on January 21, 2015, 10:01:23 AM
A Doctor was addressing a large audience.

 

“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing  that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

 

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on January 24, 2015, 10:50:58 AM
A guy goes to his Doctor for his yearly exam,when done the Doctor tells him "everything looks good,But I have to tell you,You have the dirtiest balls I have ever seen". The guy thanks him and says he'll take care of it.When he gets home he asks his wife to come in to talk.She says "I can't right now I'm so busy I don't have time to wipe my ass". He tells her "Yeah,that's what I want to talk to you about"



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on February 19, 2015, 12:30:03 PM
  Following is an extract from Hillary Clinton's autobiography, 'The Truth Will Always Prevail', to be released soon…

"Some years ago, nearing dinner time at the White House, our regular cook fell ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice. He wasn't the smartest looking guy, in fact he seemed a bit dirty. Bill voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice. Just before the meal, Bill noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was assured that many Chefs did that.

Dinner went okay, although Bill thought that the soup tasted a little funny. By the time dessert came, he started to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself. By now, he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened. As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.

As he was about to pass out, this naive girl bent over him and heard President Clinton whisper in a barely audible voice: 'Sack my cook'.

And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 19, 2015, 12:42:40 PM
How does the music industry resemble the candy industry ?
The rappers are trash.
How does the Westminster Dog show resemble the Miss America pageant ?
Lots of bitches at both.
(Congrats to the Beagle !!!  ;D  )
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on February 20, 2015, 05:41:47 PM
Finally, 
Good News From the White House
Concerning Pensions, Healthcare and Benefits (see below)
 
نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره   
ما نقش سايهدگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت
نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايهدگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ررفت ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشمخيره ماسايه
ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيرهماپيدا
نيست نقش

If I Hear Anything Else, I'll Let You Know
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on February 20, 2015, 10:56:55 PM
I was talking to my young niece last Monday, and I asked her if she knew what day it was.  She said "Yes I do, it is Presidents' Day."  I asked if she knew what Presidents' Day was all about.  She said "Yes I do."  She said "It is when the President goes outside the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have 12 more months of bull shit."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on March 09, 2015, 11:56:04 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on March 10, 2015, 07:06:12 PM
(http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x475/10ringfirearmstraining/Texas%20Gun%20Confiscation_zpsy7dncv3g.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on March 17, 2015, 10:24:50 AM
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

 The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

 The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency
 open heart bypass surgery.

 He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the
 Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard
 loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to
 pay for his treatment.

 "Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
 He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

 The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

 He replied, "No money in the bank."

 Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?"
 asked the irritated nun.

 He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

 The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
 Nuns are married to God."

 The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on March 18, 2015, 10:39:44 AM

 The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
I love this!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on March 22, 2015, 08:32:09 AM
The Best Presidential LIES ever:
 

LBJ:
 We were attacked (in the Gulf of Tonkin )

Nixon:
 I am not a crook
 
GHW Bush:
 Read my lips - No New Taxes
 
Clinton:
 I did not have sex with that woman... Miss Lewinski
 
GW Bush:
 Iraq has weapons of mass destruction

...................................................................................

Obama:
 I will have the most transparent administration in history.
 The stimulus will fund shovel-ready jobs.
 I am focused like a laser on creating jobs.
 The IRS is not targeting anyone.
 It was a spontaneous riot about a movie.
 I will put an end to the type of politics that "breeds division, conflict and cynicism".
 You didn't build that!
 I will restore trust in Government.
 The Cambridge cops acted stupidly.
 The public will have 5 days to look at every bill that lands on my desk
 It's not my red line - it is the world's red line.
 Whistle blowers will be protected in my administration.
 We got back every dime we used to rescue the banks and auto companies, with interest.
 I am not spying on American citizens.
 Obama Care will be good for America .
 You can keep your family doctor.
 Premiums will be lowered by $2500.
 If you like it, you can keep your current healthcare plan.
 It's just like shopping at Amazon.
 I knew nothing about "Fast and Furious" gunrunning to Mexican drug cartels.
 I knew nothing about IRS targeting conservative groups.
 I knew nothing about what happened in Benghazi .
 I have never known my uncle from Kenya who is in the country illegally and that was arrested and told to leave the country over 20 years ago.
 And, I have never lived with that uncle. He finally admitted (12-05-2013) that he DID know his uncle and that he DID live with him.
 If elected I promise not to renew the Patriot Act.
 If elected I will end the war in Iraq and Afghanistan within the 1st 9 months of my term.
 I will close Guantanamo within the first 6 months of my term.
 I will bridge the gap between black and white and between America and other countries.
 And the biggest one of all:
 "I, Barrack Hussein Obama, pledge to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States of America ."

 
 I believe we have a winner: 29
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 22, 2015, 02:00:06 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on March 23, 2015, 09:11:16 AM
Bush (41) wasn't wrong about the Bio/Chem stuff. He gassed the Kurds right after we left (the first time) with more than just a helicopter..
 ??? Sorry. Just sayin'.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on March 23, 2015, 09:44:22 AM
Bush (41) wasn't wrong about the Bio/Chem stuff. He gassed the Kurds right after we left (the first time) with more than just a helicopter..
 ??? Sorry. Just sayin'.

Are you saying it's Bush's fault there is an error in Billt,s list?   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 23, 2015, 10:50:34 AM
http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2014/10/14/world/middleeast/us-casualties-of-iraq-chemical-weapons.html?_r=0
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on March 31, 2015, 12:06:23 AM
After nearly 50 years of marriage a couple was lying in bed one evening when the wife felt her husband begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.

He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. She asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on April 01, 2015, 06:37:22 AM
A single friend of mine says he's started dating homeless women.

He says, "They don't expect much.  And when the date is over, you can drop 'em off anywhere."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on April 01, 2015, 05:22:00 PM
Majer and CR, where is the "Like" button when I need it?!  LOL

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bic on April 04, 2015, 08:21:54 AM
How Irish dancing really got started:

http://videos2view.net/irish-dance.htm
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 04, 2015, 04:45:05 PM
I was doing that dance last night while watching TV. I almost made it to the commercial break before I ran to the bathroom.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on April 13, 2015, 08:08:28 AM
One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies. He
immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I
have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you
what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as
bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll
even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the
first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and
surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced
with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't
think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did
was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in
constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on
the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does
best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I
can handle this."

The devil smiled and said...........



"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 14, 2015, 06:53:39 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 16, 2015, 06:33:58 PM
The madam opened the brothel door in Montreal and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
 

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."
 
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
 
Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."
 
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
 
After an hour, the man calmly left.
 
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
 
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
 
"There are no discounts. The price is still $5000."
 
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie,and they went upstairs.
 
After an hour, he left.
 
The following night the man was there yet again.
 
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
 
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
 
Where are you from?"
 
The man replied, " Toronto ."
 
"Really," she said. "I have family in Toronto."
 
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
 
The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:


1. Death
 
2. Taxes; and
 
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on April 19, 2015, 05:06:17 PM

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his 1911 Colt .45.....with a 7 round magazine.....plus one in the chamber and yelled............

"Who in here has been screwing my wife?"

 A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, "You need more ammo."

This is just another example of why you need high-capacity magazines.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 20, 2015, 06:01:22 AM
Go Glock or don't marry a slut, either would work.
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 20, 2015, 02:24:19 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on April 21, 2015, 12:00:15 AM

KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
 
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up
from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
 
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house
to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,fill a container with water and
suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight t when we go to watch TV,I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on to the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 21, 2015, 09:15:25 AM
A hillbilly woman was terribly overweight, so the doctor put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs.

"Why, that's amazing", the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

She nodded. "I'll tell you though, doc, I thought I was gonna drop slap dead by tha end o' dat third day."

"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from all that danged skippin'."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on April 21, 2015, 11:33:55 AM

911 Call

An Emergency Call Center worker in Minneapolis has been fired much to the dismay of her colleagues,
who are unhappy with her dismissal, as they all felt she gave the proper response they were trained for.
It seems that a caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating,    "I am depressed and lying on a railway line,
so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah."

To which the call center employee replied,  "Remain calm and stay on the line."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 28, 2015, 11:34:37 PM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on May 12, 2015, 01:29:18 PM
Texas A&M Study Calls Obama 5th Best President in American History

From a total of 44 U.S. Presidents, Obama has been rated as the 5th best, according to a study completed at Texas A&M University. The Public Relations Office at A&M released this statement:
"After almost 6 years in office, American academics have rated President Obama the 5th Best President in American History".

These are the results according to Texas A&M . . .
1. Lincoln and Reagan tied for first place
2. Seventeen Presidents tied for second place
3. Twenty-three other Presidents tied for third place
4. Jimmy Carter came in fourth, and...
5. Obama was fifth.....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on May 12, 2015, 06:10:35 PM
jumbofrank, that's no joke it's more like FACT!


Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on May 12, 2015, 06:33:29 PM
True. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.  :(
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on May 12, 2015, 08:04:04 PM
The Patriots Super Bowl rings have arrived...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on May 13, 2015, 06:15:24 AM
Why are you perverts so hung up on Tom Brady's ball's  ?
No wonder Gisselle thought it was time to retire .




            (_)*(_)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on May 13, 2015, 10:00:39 AM
Honestly Tom, I don't give two shites about pro sports anymore.  I just got a chuckle out of it...

Giselle can have the left coast dimwit and his balls.

 :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on May 13, 2015, 12:57:52 PM
I'm surprised you feel that way about a Republican from University of Michigan.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on May 13, 2015, 01:01:46 PM
He's from California!  He played for Michigan.  Still don't care!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on May 13, 2015, 03:40:19 PM
Then why did you bring it up ?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on May 13, 2015, 06:42:57 PM
Because it was a funny picture, Tom!

Geez, take a pill dude!  You do realize that nobody outside of New England cares about the Patriots don't you?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on May 16, 2015, 06:38:06 AM
Have you looked at a map lately to see just WHERE you're at ?
Mapquest sucks, but it should be able to handle THAT.
(hint- very close to the geographic center of NE)
Speaking for the native New Englander's, the REAL Yankee's, (Since my Mother's relatives were involved in the little dust-up in Salem, and some of my Dad's ancestor's were here long before that, I'm as qualified as any one)

We are hospitable to every one equally. But it doesn't matter if you are a Michigander or a Mexican with wet feet, You "ain't from around heah" and you never will be .
Which might explain why you are so rude as to come into our house, (so to speak) and then talk sh!t about our fixtures and furniture.
It's especially rude coming from a person from the place that gave us the Lion's, who can't even get to the Superbowl through Ticket Masters, and the city of Detroit.
No matter how bad Dorchester may be they are not bulldozing abandoned neighborhoods. Boston may be f*cked up, but they aren't that bad.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on May 16, 2015, 08:50:07 AM
Nope, I'll never be a New Englander regardless of where I live, Tom! 

Don't wanna be either.  I don't find NE all that hospitable.

And, I ain't from Motown.

Take a joke, Tom!  No wonder this forum is dwindling...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on May 16, 2015, 09:17:35 AM
I've tried to be a smart ass about it, but you just ain't getting it. Don't shit on your neighbors, they don't care about your opinion and will only think you're a dick.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on May 16, 2015, 09:24:10 AM
Face it, we're both assholes! 

You're just better at it than I!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on May 16, 2015, 12:42:44 PM
That's cuz I'm a NATIVE !

I have honest to God heard the following conversation.
Is he from around here ?
No, his mother was from away.


I'm from "around here".  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on May 16, 2015, 02:27:02 PM
" the Lion's, who can't even get to the Superbowl through Ticket Masters" made me laugh.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on May 16, 2015, 02:42:58 PM
It was intended to.
Poor basta*ds most famous player was  George Plimpton.  LOL
The last time they won a championship was 3 or 4 years before Super Bowl #1.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on May 16, 2015, 04:10:12 PM
1958 to be exact.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on May 16, 2015, 05:55:44 PM
That's cuz I'm a NATIVE !

I have honest to God heard the following conversation.
Is he from around here ?
No, his mother was from away.

I'm from "around here".  ;D

My ancestors settled here in MA sometime in the 1700's, at least the English ones.  My GGGranddad's daughter founded Mt. Holyoke College but her home town was still Leroy, MI.  There is a street named after my GGG-Dad.  I once stole one for my bedroom...

Still don't make me a New Englander...the rest of my mutt heritage probably came over as indentured Irish servants.  No clue on the Norwegian parts...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on May 16, 2015, 10:18:06 PM
 ;D

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on May 17, 2015, 06:09:38 AM
That might appeal to Kim Jong Un more than Brady.  ;D

Hey Peg, Do you know why you call it the "War of Northern Aggression" and the history books and every one else calls it the "Civil war" ?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on May 18, 2015, 03:29:37 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on May 18, 2015, 03:57:32 PM
We won.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on May 21, 2015, 11:06:16 AM
We won.  ;D


Once it became a war of attrition (after Gettysburg), it was just a matter of time.
Oh well, the South made it a pretty good scrap for a while.

 ;D

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on May 21, 2015, 12:55:48 PM
The South never had a snow flakes chance in hell.
If they had not had most of the trained military officers it would not have lasted beyond Bull Run.
The South never had a chance of competing against Northern industrialization.
Remember, while the South was making an all out effort the North was also fighting an Indian war on the frontier and building the transcontinental RR. We also launched an invasion of Korea that doesn't get into most history books.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on May 27, 2015, 12:10:55 PM
Q:  How do you brainwash an anti-gunner?

A:  Give them an enema.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on May 27, 2015, 01:12:25 PM
Stomp on their douche bag ?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on May 29, 2015, 12:36:56 PM
Al Sharpton was in Sears.
He was there to protest the fact that most all of the washing machines were white.

So the clerk called the store manager, who asked, “What’s the problem here, Reverend?
Sharpton pointed at the machines and loudly bemoaned the fact that most of them were white.
The manager replied, “Well, Reverend, it's true that most of the washing machines are white, but if
you'll open the lids, you'll see that all the agitators are black."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 01, 2015, 12:13:52 PM
Now that's funny right there.....  ;D



ooops, I guess I'm racist for laughing at that.....  ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 01, 2015, 12:54:15 PM
It seems that being a modern racist simply means that you are paying attention and have standards of what behavior is acceptable and what isn't.

And own a belt or suspenders.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on June 01, 2015, 12:59:15 PM
the most racist thing I know of is affirmative action.   


it basicly  says you are inferior, we know it, so we are going to put you in a place above your level.  setting you up to fail.

funny how studies done by many Ivy league schools over the years have all came to this.  the drop out rate for AA enrollees is just awful.  havards numbers were north of 90%, where race was taken into account...

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 02, 2015, 09:41:22 AM
I've been using that to illustrate Democrat bigotry for some time.
Just to make my point I make it as offensive as possible,
Affirmative Action = Blacks are to dumb, and to lazy to be held to civilized human standards.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 02, 2015, 01:06:12 PM
It seems that being a modern racist simply means that you are paying attention and have standards of what behavior is acceptable and what isn't.

And own a belt or suspenders.

CRAP!!!!
I own both....

Perish the thought!!

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on June 04, 2015, 05:19:01 PM
CRAP!!!!
I own both....

Perish the thought!!

Hell, I own MULTIPLES of both!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 08, 2015, 03:23:48 PM
What do you get if you put Ex-lax in the pot brownie mix ?

Shits and giggles.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 16, 2015, 04:40:13 PM
For Solus:

 ;D


(I do own a Glock......just thought it was funny).
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on June 16, 2015, 06:58:49 PM
For Solus:

 ;D


(I do own a Glock......just thought it was funny).

Nobody like a Smart Alec   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on June 16, 2015, 07:35:43 PM

Nobody like a Smart Alec   ;D ;D

Yes we do!  ;)
Title: Mud Puddle Fishing
Post by: Steve Cover on June 25, 2015, 03:42:04 PM
The rich east coast banker had finally fulfilled his dream to fish Alaska.
Driving back to his hotel after a heavy rain, he spotted an old man fishing in one of the large puddles in a tavern parking lot.

This perked his interest so he pulled into the bar's parking lot next to the fisherman.
Getting out of his rented car, he approached the Old Timer.
The Old Geezer had a crooked branch pole with a string attached to the end.
The other end of the string was in the center of the puddle.

After watching for several minutes, he asked the Old Timer what he was doing.
The Old Sour Dough shot him a quick look, put his finger to his lips and softly said, "Shush! What does it look like I'm doing? I'm fishing."

With this he turned his attention back on his line with an expectant look giving it a slight jiggle.

The banker thought to himself that the old man must have spent too many winters above the Arctic circle.

Feeling sorry for the old guy standing wet and cold there trying to fish a mud puddle, he asked him to come into the bar for a beer.

The old man reluctantly put down his makeshift rod and slowly followed the banker into the tavern.
Taking a seat at the bar the banker ordered a tap beer for the old guy.

It was obvious by how much the Geezer was openly enjoying his beer that the banker could see that he hadn't had one in a long time, so he ordered him another.
The old man graciously accepted the second beer and just as before, he showed true enjoyment of it too.

Sitting there awkwardly in silence, the banker asked, "So, how is the fishing going?"
The Sour Dough finished his beer, turned to the banker and with a twinkle in his eye said, "Pretty good, so far today, you're the eighth."

Whether you are rich or poor, free beer always tastes best.

Steve
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 03, 2015, 07:54:23 PM
Senior Dress Code - Very important!
Many people over 50 . . . WAY over 50 . . . are quite confused about how they should present themselves in public.
They're unsure about the kind of image they are projecting and whether or not they are correct as they try to conform to current fashions. And for those of you receiving this who are nowhere near 50 yet, keep reading anyway . . . you'll be there before you know it.
Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist
11. Bikinis and liver spots
12. Short shorts and varicose veins
13. In-line skates and a walker
And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in fashion:
14. A thong and Depends
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.
Have a nice day!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: GASPASSERDELUXE on July 03, 2015, 08:10:56 PM
First of all tt I resent the "way over 50" remark seeing I am way over 50 er 60 no 70. However thanks for the tip about depends and thongs. I'll remember that for at least 5 minutes.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: GASPASSERDELUXE on July 04, 2015, 09:35:20 AM
     Oh, beautiful for drone-filled skies
    A tax code so arcane!
    A voting class on their fat ass
    From Houston to Fort Wayne!
    America! America!
    You voted stuff for free
    You made your bed, ye overfed
    Go watch some more TV!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 05, 2015, 06:51:20 AM
STOLEN !
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on July 07, 2015, 11:31:08 AM

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.....
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 07, 2015, 01:12:36 PM
It also made it damned hard for his assassin to hit him.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on July 08, 2015, 06:39:18 AM
A woman walks into a bar and orders a double entendre, so the bartender gives it to her.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 21, 2015, 08:51:21 PM
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.  The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant.  They must be saved.  I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.  As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.  It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65.  To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.  Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides.  It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.  The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on August 04, 2015, 04:05:04 PM

Discovery Announcement - The densest element in the known Universe has been found!

Pelosium:

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Pelosium. Pelosium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311.

These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

The symbol of Pelosium is PU.


Pelosium's mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons within the Pelosium molecule, leading to the formation of isodopes.


This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientist to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

When catalyzed with money, Pelosium activates CNNadnausium, an element that radiates orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons as Pelosium.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on August 05, 2015, 05:06:11 PM
In honor of the 44th President of the United States, a major ice cream company has introduced a new flavor: “Barocky Road.”

Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.

The cost is $92.85 per scoop...so out of a hundred dollar bill you are at least promised some CHANGE..!

When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but after you pay for it, the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you at no charge.

You are left with an almost empty wallet, staring at an empty cone and wondering what just happened. Then you realize this is what "redistribution of wealth" is all about.

Aren't you just stimulated?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on August 13, 2015, 07:14:53 AM
From the "Turn of the television" file...
 A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon.
During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection,
a little boy raised his hand........
The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor." It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue. :-[
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on August 13, 2015, 09:09:05 AM
 ;D ;D 

I've always wondered how excited the marketing folks must must be over being "required" to make that disclaimer.

Sort of like saying:  Warning!  The use of this product may cause  your wildest dreams to come true.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on August 13, 2015, 12:47:29 PM
Believe it or not the first four letters of the generic name for Cialis is TADA!!! No joke. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tadalafil
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 13, 2015, 01:03:44 PM
6,000 years of civilization and and learning and their highest achievement are sexting and a drug to keep your dick hard .
Meanwhile we still can't cure the common cold.
What a sad commentary on humanity.
F*ck peak oil, I believe in peak evolution.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on August 13, 2015, 02:39:30 PM
I tried that Viagra stuff..

Got stuck in my throat...gave me a stiff neck for a week!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on August 13, 2015, 07:52:54 PM
I only take a half a Viagra so my dick sticks out far enough that I don't pee on my feet.  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 14, 2015, 06:02:55 AM
Frank must have bought new boots.  :-)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 15, 2015, 12:04:46 PM
;D ;D 

I've always wondered how excited the marketing folks must must be over being "required" to make that disclaimer.

Sort of like saying:  Warning!  The use of this product may cause  your wildest dreams to come true.

If you have an erection that lasts more than four hours, call your doctor.  And thank him.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 15, 2015, 04:21:55 PM
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on August 28, 2015, 07:07:49 AM
Did you know all hurricanes are liberals? They always spin to the left. Their sole source of power is simply hot air. Sane people leave when one approaches. They leave a mess everywhere they go, and the rest of us are left to clean up after them.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 28, 2015, 08:23:51 AM
They USED to always be named after women because when they arrived there was a lot of blowing and they took the house when they left. Besides, who ever heard of a himacane ?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on September 07, 2015, 07:38:27 PM
(http://i60.tinypic.com/bf58ag.png)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 14, 2015, 12:14:19 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bic on September 20, 2015, 11:54:49 AM
Gun Oil....no, not really!

http://www.cheaplubes.com/gunoillubricant.aspx?gclid=CP-4vuiHhsgCFYgCaQodXUIPvw
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on September 20, 2015, 01:41:43 PM
Gun Oil....no, not really!

http://www.cheaplubes.com/gunoillubricant.aspx?gclid=CP-4vuiHhsgCFYgCaQodXUIPvw

Force Recon!  :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Grizzle_Bear on September 21, 2015, 01:34:43 PM
Obviously the work of a liberal.  Someone that doesn't understand the difference between a penis and a pistol, and doesn't know how to use either one.


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on September 21, 2015, 01:44:49 PM
Obviously the work of a liberal.  Someone that doesn't understand the difference between a penis and a pistol, and doesn't know how to use either one.

I believe you have made a true and accurate observation, friend Bear.

CR
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on September 21, 2015, 03:45:08 PM
Actually THEY are correct.


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on September 21, 2015, 06:52:43 PM
Tom's right. Howitzers are also guns.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on September 22, 2015, 06:00:06 AM
I bet they have a lube for that .
Braggart  😁
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on September 22, 2015, 06:46:53 PM

" Last Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D.C, an aide to Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral in D.C. He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's Mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.
The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain Pelosi's views.
Pelosi's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $10,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."
The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."
As Pelosi's aide promised, Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle. As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Pelosi was present.
The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Congresswoman Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other issues. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both In Washington and in California. The woman is simply not to be trusted."

The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with President Obama, Pelosi is a saint."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on September 23, 2015, 06:02:14 AM
That would be funny if the pope thought that.....

I suspect he considers Obamanation the more saintly of the two....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on September 23, 2015, 06:05:44 AM
This pos so called Pope is nothing but one of those "liberation theologists" that South American dictators should have shot more of.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on September 23, 2015, 01:38:30 PM
Black Sabbath asked would you like to see the pope on the end of a rope? It wouldn't affect me at all.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on September 23, 2015, 09:04:50 PM
As a Catholic, I'm offended by something this pope said a few weeks ago.  Apparently, according to him, I'm not a Christian, since I'm involved in the gun business.  As a result, the church will be getting no more of my money, since I'm sure he'd be offended accepting "gun money".
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on September 29, 2015, 09:19:02 AM
The pope is still in the news.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on September 30, 2015, 08:29:08 PM
(http://www.riverdavesplace.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=439340&stc=1&d=1443619628)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on October 25, 2015, 07:59:25 AM
Back on January 9th, a group of Wadesboro, North Carolina bikers were riding east on Hwy.74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on October 27, 2015, 11:21:07 AM
If I can get the tears out of my eyes (from laughing)  I would comment that the joke is NOT politically correct.

I LIKE IT.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 27, 2015, 01:33:37 PM
You're not going to find much of ANYTHING on this site that IS politically correct.
We support ALL the bill of rights here which includes the 1st amendment, written to protect what people want to say and write, not what the perpetually offended want to see and hear.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on October 27, 2015, 02:02:10 PM
INSANITY: The phrase ‘politically correct’ has now been deemed… POLITICALLY INCORRECT!!

The phrase “politically correct” is now a microaggression according to the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee.

http://therightscoop.com/insanity-the-phrase-politically-correct-has-now-been-deemed-politically-incorrect/
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on October 27, 2015, 02:47:22 PM
INSANITY: The phrase ‘politically correct’ has now been deemed… POLITICALLY INCORRECT!!

That is my point. POLITICALLY INCORRECT is a phrase that I hate. The statements made under that banner have divided this country to its breaking point.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on October 27, 2015, 03:18:06 PM
MSNBC host Melissa Harris-Perry says term 'hard worker' demeans slaves' experience


MSNBC weekend host Melissa Harris-Perry objected to use of the term "hard worker" on a recent show, telling a guest it demeans the experience of slaves.

http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2015/10/27/msnbc-host-melissa-harris-perry-says-term-hard-worker-connotes-slavery/?intcmp=hpff
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on October 27, 2015, 04:16:08 PM
MSNBC host Melissa Harris-Perry says term 'hard worker' demeans slaves' experience


MSNBC weekend host Melissa Harris-Perry objected to use of the term "hard worker" on a recent show, telling a guest it demeans the experience of slaves.

http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2015/10/27/msnbc-host-melissa-harris-perry-says-term-hard-worker-connotes-slavery/?intcmp=hpff

I think these idiots make this $h!t up as they go.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on October 27, 2015, 04:23:08 PM
when it comes to pc  I always remember the movie pcu.

I am never pollitcally correct.


one of the hardest parts about my job as a consultant is not telling them you are a f....k idiot.  I kid you not, the last project I had a guy ask me if the lead paint was in the foundation and did we need to remove it.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 27, 2015, 05:14:59 PM
Most of the PC idiots in the country are still trying to pick that turd up by the clean end.  :o




 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 28, 2015, 06:19:17 AM
To listen to these black a-holes you would think the only slaves in history were blacks in the US South.
Fact is, pretty much every race has been held in slavery and due to higher levels of development they were all more useful, and more adaptable than jungle savages.
While we're at it, if these people are so concerned about slavery in the US 150 years ago, how come they have nothing to say about slavery in Africa and Arabia that continues today ?
My last question is this, if black slaves in America were such hard workers why did they need to be whipped ?
Seems to me that one or the other is BS.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 28, 2015, 06:21:28 AM
ar154me, sometimes our threads drift a little. 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 28, 2015, 10:28:27 AM
ar154me, sometimes our threads drift a little.

You don't say......hmmmm......  ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D


(http://1stclass.mylargescale.com/vsmith/Thread_Drift.jpg)

(http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTaymWFnbdb2uTdWhvi0kLDW9waf5c7UHQ-QK_gFk2I7rlDm1IODQ)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on October 28, 2015, 10:43:29 AM
That is fine. I can navigate.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on October 28, 2015, 12:50:28 PM
The worst thing about the Thread Drift here is that it is so common and severe, you cannot ignore a thread you originally had no interest in...at any moment it might become a topic crucial to you.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on October 28, 2015, 02:06:29 PM
I LOVE the fact this forum is left alone with zero moderation. It's what makes it the best on the net.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 29, 2015, 06:06:22 AM
Does make finding things a little difficult though.
When you're looking for something on Glock triggers and have to remember it's in the thread about Margerita's.
Or vice versa.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on November 01, 2015, 02:20:05 PM





George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.

The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next, Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished, the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally, George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. When Putin hears this, he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

 The devil smiles and replies,

"Since Obama took over,

the country's gone to hell,

so it's a local call."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on November 17, 2015, 11:39:10 AM
(http://www.riverdavesplace.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=447949&d=1447776937)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on December 02, 2015, 01:51:27 PM
A US Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Hendersonville, NC.
He tells the priest, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
Last night, I beat the crap out of a flag-burning, cop-hating, Obama-loving protester."
The priest says, "My son, I'm here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on December 02, 2015, 07:12:27 PM
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies, Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'
'I lied about my age,' Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bic on December 05, 2015, 08:32:24 PM
(http://i1232.photobucket.com/albums/ff372/StuartCowley/Youll-Go-Down-In-History_zpscmjyzooj.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 06, 2015, 12:49:25 AM
Ha!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bic on December 06, 2015, 08:46:13 AM
Yeah, I liked it......eventually!  :-[
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on December 06, 2015, 09:03:09 AM
Yea, took me a while connect the dots too!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 06, 2015, 12:29:53 PM
I must be missing something in the reindeer cartoon.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bic on December 06, 2015, 01:00:50 PM
"Sing Frank Sing!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on December 06, 2015, 06:40:31 PM
(http://cdn.meme.am/instances/61241832.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on December 08, 2015, 04:00:36 PM
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They
couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just
walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a
gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of
chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a
problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching
his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that
house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.
Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the
goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded
to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be
there in no time. The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said,
'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that
when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my
skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of
paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you
up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put
the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on December 08, 2015, 04:17:34 PM
First Christmas Joke:
 
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.' 
 
And So The Christmas Season begins......and I sure hope the jokes get better. 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on December 08, 2015, 04:37:43 PM
Billstryker, I thought that was pretty good!  But, here goes...

Did you know that Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer had a brother?

He was called Randolph the Brown Nosed Reindeer.
He could run as fast as Rudolph but couldn't stop as quick!


Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on December 14, 2015, 02:38:19 PM
A guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there is a robot bartender.  The robot says, “What will you have?”         
> >
> > The guy replies, “Whiskey.”         
> > The robot brings back his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?”         
> >
> > The guy say, “168.”
> >
> > The robot continues to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology.         
>
> > After the guy leaves and the more he thinks about it, he the more curious he gets, so he decides to go back.   
>
> > The robot asks, “What’s your drink?”       
> >
> > The guy answers, “Whiskey.”         
>
> > The robot returns with his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?”         
> >
> > The man replies, “100.”         
> >
> > The robot talks about Nascar, Budweiser, the Lions, and LSU.         
> >
> > The man finishes his drink, leaves, but is so interested in his “experiment” that he decides to try again.
> >
> > He enters the bar and, as usual, the robot asks him what he want to drink.         
> >
> > The man replies, “Whiskey.”         
> >
> > The robot brings the drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?”         
> >
> > The man answers, “50.”         
>
> > The robot leans in real close and asks, “So . . . are . . . you people . . . still happy . . . with Obama?”
> >
> >
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 14, 2015, 03:05:15 PM
Availing named Rudolph the Red told his wife it was going to rain.
She asked how he knew.
He said, " Rudolph the Red KNOWS rain dear.

Billstryker, no improvement yet !  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 14, 2015, 04:33:25 PM
Availing named Rudolph the Red told his wife it was going to rain.
She asked how he knew.
He said, " Rudolph the Red KNOWS rain dear.

Billstryker, no improvement yet !  ;D

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 14, 2015, 06:15:05 PM
Rudolph was a Russian weatherman.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 15, 2015, 06:02:45 AM
Actually he would have been a VIKING if I hadn't fat fingered the damned keys on this tablet.
I love the convenience of being able to carry it in my pocket, but I beg God to eternally damn the SOB who decided to make the keys so small.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 15, 2015, 01:06:07 PM
That makes sense now. Don't you just love modern tech? So far I've avoided  tablets and smart phones. I'm online all I need to be without them.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on December 15, 2015, 01:59:09 PM
if you have a iphone... type in lardass and let it auto correct it...




if you do not have a iphone google "lardass on a iphone"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 15, 2015, 03:07:45 PM
if you have a iphone... type in lardass and let it auto correct it...




if you do not have a iphone google "lardass on a iphone"


Not going to spoil it for others.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on December 15, 2015, 03:36:29 PM
(http://www.riverdavesplace.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=452534&d=1450213880)

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on December 18, 2015, 04:23:43 PM
 "Stay"
 
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A "DOG PERSON" TO TRULY APPRECIATE THIS STORY.
 
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows
to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,

"Now you stay....do you hear me?"

"Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said,
 
(this is going to hurt, but read on anyway....),


 
"Why don't you just put it  in 'Park'?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on December 18, 2015, 06:58:55 PM
Did you answer  "It's a stick shift, you ditzzy blonde."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on December 19, 2015, 01:11:34 PM
Two terrorists are in a locker room taking their annual shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other one bending over holding his stomach in agony. He has a huge cork stuck in his butt.

“If you do not mind me saying," said the second terrorists, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"

"I regret I cannot", lamented the first terrorist. “It is permanently stuck in my butt."

"I do not understand," said the other.

The first terrorist says, “I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man In an American flag with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

I said, "No shit?"

This story has been Verified by Brian Williams, NBC anchor news. He was there when it happened.


God Bless America.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 20, 2015, 08:21:51 AM
Three elderly ladies are going to their first Yankees game.
They sneak in a bottle of Jack Daniels. The game is teal exiting, and they are enjoying and mixing Jack with their sodas.
Soon they realize the bottle is almost empty and there are a lot of innings left.
Using the clues given, which inning is it and what is the status of the game ?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 20, 2015, 08:22:52 AM
Bottom of the 5th, and the bags are loaded.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on December 20, 2015, 08:08:55 PM
a man walks into  a bar  and sees cruz and trump sitting in a both talking.  so he walks up to them and says "what are you talking about?"


"we are talking about what is to be done about the isis threat"  " one of us is going to start ww3"


" going to kill 250 million muslims and a hot blond with big tits"

the guy says "  what!??  why would you kill a blond with big tits"


trump says  " that's the 5th beer you owe me cruse, I told you know one would care about the muslims"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on December 24, 2015, 04:17:20 PM
I am sorry that I have not been consistently responsive lately to your emails. I have been somewhat under the weather since my doctors informed  me that I have an acute case of Post Islamic Stress Trauma with Apologetic  Whitehouse Fatigue (PIST-AWF).

For those of you who do not know what that is, PIST-AWF is a newly defined disease that is found to be widespread and highly contagious.  Symptoms include, but may not be limited to: Severe pain of the scalp from pulling your own hair while viewing the President pander to Muslim terrorists.  Loose bowels from swallowing the fact we elected Obama twice.  Extreme hunger due to vomiting from nightly seeing terrorists murdering innocent people.

If you feel you have Post Islamic Stress Trauma with Apologetic Whitehouse Fatigue,  please notify your local election board and place your name on the list for a cure.

It is expected, and sincerely hoped, that the cure will be available in November of 2016.

And I stupidly thought it was due to aging!​
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on December 25, 2015, 08:00:27 AM
Where's the "LIKE" button?  Marshal, we need a "LIKE"  button!

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on December 29, 2015, 04:35:05 PM
 An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft.  A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.
 
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone.  He yelled, "Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell
phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"
 
The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone.

"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few
questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!"
 
He then began his series of questions:
 
Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??"
 
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me."
 
Tower: "Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you're
traveling at 180 mph?"
 
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me."
 
Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"
 
Aircraft: “The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar."

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on December 29, 2015, 04:53:48 PM
Too funny tt!  Marshal, I still need that like button!

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 04, 2016, 04:26:28 PM
Irish Viagra

> AN  IRISH WOMAN OF ADVANCED AGE VISITED HER PHYSICIAN
 TO ASK HIS  ADVICE ON REVIVING HER HUSBAND'S LIBIDO.

"WHAT ABOUT TRYING VIAGRA?" ASKED THE DOCTOR.

NOT A CHANCE" SHE REPLIED. "HE WON'T EVEN TAKE AN ASPIRIN".

"NOT A PROBLEM" SAID THE DOCTOR. "GIVE HIM AN IRISH VIAGRA".
 "WHAT IS IRISH VIAGRA?" SHE ASKED.
 "IT'S VIAGRA DISSOLVED IN A CUP OF COFFEE. HE WON'T EVEN TASTE IT.
 LET ME KNOW HOW IT GOES" HE SAID.
 SHE CALLED THE DOCTOR THE NEXT DAY.

"HOW DID IT GO?" HE ASKED.
 "OH FAITH, BEJAYSUS AND BEGORRAH, DOCTOR, IT WAS HORRID. JUST
 TERRIBLE, I TELL YA!!."  "I'M BESIDE MESELF!"
 "REALLY?  WHAT IN THE WORLD HAPPENED?"

"WELL,  I DID AS YOU ADVISED. THE VIAGRA IN HIS COFFEE TOOK EFFECT RIGHT ALMOST IMMEDIATELY. HE  JUMPED STRAIGHT UP, WITH A SMILE ON HIS FACE, A
TWINKLE IN HIS EYE AND HIS PANTS A-BULGING.

FIERCELY, WITH ONE SWOOP OF HIS ARM, HE SENT THE CUPS AND SAUCERS FLYING ACROSS THE ROOM, THEN HE RIPPED ME CLOTHES TO TATTERS AND PASSIONATELY TOOK ME THEN AND THERE ON TOP OF THE TABLE."

"TWAS A NIGHTMARE, I TELL YA, AN ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE.

" WHY SO TERRIBLE?" ASKED THE DOCTOR. "WASN'T THE SEX GOOD?"
 "FREAKIN  JAYSUS, IT WAS THE BEST SEX I'VE HAD IN 25 YEARS, BUT SURE AS
 I'M SITTIN  HERE, DOCTOR, I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO SHOW ME FACE IN STARBUCKS AGAIN."

  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 04, 2016, 04:28:17 PM
Johnny

 Poor Johnny!!!
Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it.
He decided to ask his shrink what to do some thing about it.


The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you
should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him....
If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of
the gift or gifts he requests."



Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.
"I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up.
When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree.
And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."



Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop.
Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree.
Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.



When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"


Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 04, 2016, 04:39:11 PM
A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Hillary Clinton fans.
 
Not really knowing what a Hillary Clinton fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again.
Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not a Hillary Clinton fan."
The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Hillary Clinton?"
Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican."
The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.
Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican."
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me a Hillary Clinton fan."
 
  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on January 05, 2016, 07:00:32 AM
I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night (as I often do) and I noticed an individual who looked Muslim with a knife, sneaking through my next door neighbor's garden.
 Suddenly my neighbor came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly. He then dug a grave and put the body in it and covered it.

Astonished, I got back into bed. As I tossed and turned my wife said, "You're upset, what is it?"
 You'll never believe what I've just seen,” I said. “That son of a bitch next door still has my shovel.”
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 18, 2016, 03:35:01 PM
One morning three women are golfing on the fourth green when suddenly a guy runs by wearing nothing but a bag over his head.
 
As he passes by the first woman, she looks down and says, Well, he’s certainly not my husband.
As he passes by the second woman, she also glances downward and says, He’s not my husband either.
He then passes by the third woman Joan, who also looks down as he runs by her.
Wait a minute, Joan says.
 
"He’s not even a member of this golf club".
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on January 22, 2016, 03:51:08 PM
For many of us, especially the part about the corner.

(https://sauve.smugmug.com/Humor-Politics/i-zpggCms/0/S/Minon%20Profile-S.jpg)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on January 25, 2016, 06:29:25 AM
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 26, 2016, 04:04:35 PM
 Two IRISHMEN are drinking in a bar. One says, "Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?"
                                                       
"Aww, shit!" says his friend, "and I just joined the Knights of  Columbus! ;D
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 26, 2016, 04:33:03 PM
Hillary Takes a Muslim Name......
TERRORIST ACTIVITY HAS CAUSED HILLARY CLINTON TO TAKE MEASURES IN ORDER TO PROTECT HER CANDIDACY FOR THE 2016 PRESIDENCY.
 
 
FOR SECURITY REASONS, HILLARY HAS CHOSEN A MUSLIM NAME.

SELDOM BIN LAYED
 
.......as we get closer to the election, we must remember that we cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs........
 
The last time she had a simple job to do, she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky. :-* ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: fatbaldguy on January 26, 2016, 04:57:33 PM
If I'd been her employer, I would've outsourced it too!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on January 27, 2016, 06:00:43 AM
Bill always goes with other women, shouldn't America do the same ?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steve Cover on January 29, 2016, 12:41:53 PM
I am sorry that I have not been consistently responsive lately to your emails. I have been somewhat under the weather since my doctors informed  me that I have an acute case of Post Islamic Stress Trauma with Apologetic  Whitehouse Fatigue (PIST-AWF).

<<< SNIP>>>
Shamelessly STOLEN!!!

Steve
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 08, 2016, 06:18:38 PM
This is no joke.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on February 09, 2016, 12:53:22 PM
Woman: Do you drink beer?
 Man: Yes

 Woman: How many beers a day?
 Man: Usually about 3

 Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
 Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
 Man: About 20 years, I suppose

 Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it
 would be approximately $5400 correct?
 Man: Correct

 Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
 Man: Correct

 Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a
 Ferrari?
 Man: Do you drink beer?

 Woman: No
 Man: Where's your Ferrari?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on February 10, 2016, 12:21:45 PM
(https://scontent-sjc2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/12651122_10208757661762932_8351486858331709823_n.jpg?oh=234bdba3af1fcad1f11c4c5f113cb431&oe=5739802A)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 17, 2016, 02:21:41 PM
A man enters a coffee shop and the bartender comes over and asks, “Can I help you, sir?”
The man answers, “What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?”
The bartender says, “That would be $2.60.”
"Alright, I’ll have one.” says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his pocket and he throws them on the floor.
The bartender doesn’t want to get involved in a fight, so he just picks up the coins and he brings the man his coffee.
A week later, the same man enters the bar.
He orders a coffee again but this time he pays with a five dollar bill.
The bartender smelled a fine opportunity for revenge, so when he brings the coffee he throws 48 nickels on the floor as change.
The patron throws 2 extra dimes on the floor and orders a second coffee.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 18, 2016, 10:11:19 PM
Too true to be funny.
Title: Shows the power of the media.
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on February 29, 2016, 08:14:23 AM

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.
 
The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . . even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and just cover your own !!!

You'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on February 29, 2016, 07:12:48 PM
Marshal, we really do need a LIKE button!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on March 06, 2016, 03:07:33 PM
The Safari witnessed a small antelope being chased down by a cheetah.
While the kill was about to happen before their eyes, the husband casually remarked,  “I’ll bet the antelope gets away.”
The wife answered, “If that antelope survives this one, I’ll give you sex every day for the rest of your life, any way you want it.”
 
The deadly chase was recorded.

can't get the link to embed

http://www.youtube.com/embed/DYDIwOnXNc8?rel=0



 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on March 06, 2016, 03:53:02 PM
Title: Re: Classic joke thread... Doctor at gunsmithing school
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on March 09, 2016, 09:54:18 AM
A doctor of gynecology had been applying his trade for now on 30 years and was beginning to feel it was time for something different. He had always enjoyed his gun collection and decided he wanted to become a gunsmith.
He found a top notch school and gleefully attended the classes making very high grades through the entire course. At the end of the course came the final exam to pass. The test was to totally take down, tune, and rebuild a 1911.
After completing his work he turned in the firearm for inspection and grading. A few days later he was called into the instructor’s office for the results.
Anxiously the former doctor entered the office and asked if there were any problems. The instructor handed him the firearm and the grading sheet with a smile. The doctor looked at it and back at the instructor with a very puzzled look. He then asked the instructor how he could have gotten a grade of 150%. The instructor explained that his work was top notch, excellent work and was graded as follows.
Quality of fit and finish           25%
Smoothness of action             25%
Trigger pull and over travel      25%
Barrel to slide fit           25%

Doing it all through the barrel, an extra   50%




Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on March 13, 2016, 04:31:33 PM
A female CNN journalist heard about a  very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day,  every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went  to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy  site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to  leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an  interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your  name?

"Morris Feinberg,"he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been  coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60  years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between  the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as  responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that  politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their  own interests."


"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"


 

"Like I'm talking to a f....ing wall."







Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Magoo541 on March 15, 2016, 02:54:51 PM
If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, is he busting a move?


 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 15, 2016, 04:20:31 PM
If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, is he busting a move?


 ;D

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on March 15, 2016, 05:08:42 PM
What does a 9 volt battery and your Girlfriends/wifes asshole have in common?














You know you shouldn't,but you're going to touch it with your tongue ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on March 20, 2016, 01:23:26 AM
A Tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"

 "Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.

 The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story".

 As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had

 begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.

 A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

 Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay.

 Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

 Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.



 Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.

 The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown .

 "Ahhh," said the owner, "You come back for story?"

 "No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat.




 I bet you didn't see that one coming.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on March 22, 2016, 07:46:24 AM
I went to the zoo over the weekend.

They only had one dog.

It was a sh*tzu.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on April 02, 2016, 06:21:52 PM
Bless me Father for I have sinned
 An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the
 local church for confession.
 When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
 "Father .. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
 neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from
 the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
 The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no
 need to confess that."
 "There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours.
 This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'
 The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you
 placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
 circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
 However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
 "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more
 question."
 ?And what is that?" asked the priest.

 "Should I tell her the war is over?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 08, 2016, 11:04:56 PM
This guy is so gangsta.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on April 09, 2016, 06:52:55 AM
He's got the mag in backward! 

:)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 12, 2016, 11:14:09 AM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 12, 2016, 12:23:40 PM
True story.
Yesterday am in the coffee sop one of the regulars said "I've been married 4 times, and I'm looking for a 5th now."
I commented that if I'd been married 4 times I'd be looking for a fifth as well, maybe a half gallon.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on April 12, 2016, 02:29:50 PM
True story.
Yesterday am in the coffee sop one of the regulars said "I've been married 4 times, and I'm looking for a 5th now."
I commented that if I'd been married 4 times I'd be looking for a fifth as well, maybe a half gallon.


one of my favorite sayings " the defenotion of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a differnet out come."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on April 12, 2016, 02:59:30 PM

one of my favorite sayings " the defenotion of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a differnet out come."

Whatever happened to the Democratic saying 10,000 repeations make a truth.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 13, 2016, 06:12:22 AM
Whatever happened to the Democratic saying 10,000 repeations make a truth.

 That's racist ! Or is it for the children ?
I forget, but global warming made it shrink to only 2500.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on April 13, 2016, 08:10:41 AM
That's racist ! Or is it for the children ?
I forget, but global warming made it shrink to only 2500.

 :) :) :) :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on April 13, 2016, 09:59:48 AM
"Common Sense"  means:  Believe it regardless of the total lack of facts to support it"

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: deepwater on April 14, 2016, 10:40:58 PM
What did the egg say to the pot of water? It may take me awhile to get hard, I just got laid by some chick.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steve Cover on April 24, 2016, 02:13:54 PM
He's got the mag in backward! 

:)

That can't be right!!
He loaded the "Clip" just like they do at HK.

(http://i160.photobucket.com/albums/t175/SteveCover/Misc%20and%20Humor/HKAdvertisment.jpg)
(Check out how the magazine is loaded)

He is way ahead of the curve.

LOL,

Steve


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 28, 2016, 11:14:07 PM
 :-[
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Magoo541 on May 02, 2016, 05:10:58 PM
:-[
IF true, it is a sad thing.  If it was to exploit the gullibility of their audience, well then.... wait that is sad too.  Sad in the ignorance of both what bullets look like and what tools (you know what you use to make stuff) look like.  SMDH indeed...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on May 03, 2016, 06:15:24 AM
Oh yea, h, it's true, I remember seeing the original post on FB. It was not to long after some pinhead reporter posted a picture of "rubber bullets" in  Ferguson that turned out to be ear plugs.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on June 07, 2016, 09:41:43 AM
            OBAMA GOES ON A STATE VISIT TO ISRAEL, AND WHILE HE IS ON A TOUR OF JERUSALEM HE HAS A FATAL HEART ATTACK. THE UNDERTAKER TELLS THE US DIPLOMATS: "YOU CAN HAVE HIM SHIPPED HOME FOR $1 MILLION OR YOU CAN  BURY HIM HERE IN THE HOLY LAND FOR $100.
             
            "THE US DIPLOMATS GO INTO A HUDDLE AND COME BACK TO THE UNDERTAKER AND TELL HIM THEY STILL WANT OBAMA FLOWN HOME. THE UNDERTAKER IS PUZZLED AND ASKS: "WHY WOULD YOU SPEND $1 MILLION TO GET HIM HOME WHEN IT WOULD BE WONDERFUL TO BE BURIED HERE IN THIS RELIGIOUS COUNTRY, AND YOU WOULD ONLY SPEND $100?"
            ONE DIPLOMAT REPLIED: "MORE THAN 2000 YEARS AGO A MAN DIED HERE, WAS BURIED HERE, AND JUST 3 DAYS LATER HE ROSE FROM THE DEAD. "WE SIMPLY CANT TAKE THAT RISK".
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on June 24, 2016, 06:34:22 PM
Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK?These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on August 19, 2016, 09:31:29 PM
A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
 "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
 She said, " Yes . My husband and I use it all the time."
 "If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"
 "We use it for sex ," she said.
 The researcher was a little taken aback.
 "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex . I admire
 you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex ?"
 The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on August 20, 2016, 07:26:56 AM
Did you hear about the Newlyweds who didn't know the difference between Vaseline and putty?

Their windows fell out.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ichiban on August 20, 2016, 09:58:03 AM
And Johnny Cash wrote "Ring of Fire" after mixing up the Vicks Vapor Rub with the Vaseline.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on August 20, 2016, 04:02:17 PM
My friend Marty, source of many jokes, is a USPSA shooter and a senior, seasoned citizen. 

He recently posted of his return visit to his childhood home in Brooklyn.

Quote
Some years ago I returned to Brooklyn where I grew up. I went by a former home on Thursday afternoon, then drifted over to some of the stores where I had shopped -- and my old barber shop, now with different owners. I was surprised when the shoe repair shop, Goldstein's, was still there and there was old man Goldstein standing behind the counter.
 
I went in and introduced myself and pointed out that the last time I was there, some 35 years back, I had brought in my Cordovan slip-on shoes for new heels. Goldstein said that he remembered. Amusedly, I asked him if he still had them and if they had the new soles. He said, "They'll be ready for you on Tuesday."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on August 25, 2016, 09:56:29 AM
Donald and Hillary Go Into A Bakery on the Campaign Trail
As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.
She says to Donald, "See how clever I am?
The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.
I will definitely win the election.
The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit.
I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry.
Trump swallows it and asks for another one.
The owner gives him another one.
Then Donald asks for a third pastry and  eats that,  too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and  asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"
Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket"...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on August 27, 2016, 10:25:19 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on August 28, 2016, 05:18:17 PM
During a lull between the speeches at the recent White House Correspondent's dinner, Michelle Obama leaned over to chat with Joe Biden. "You know, I bought Barack a parrot for his birthday. The bird is so smart, Barack has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," says Joe, "but, you do realize that he just speaks the words -- he doesn't really understand what they mean.”
 
"Oh, I know," Michelle replied, "Neither does the parrot."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on September 01, 2016, 10:39:38 PM
URGENT!!!! HELP NEEDED!!!!!
 My friend won two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. They are box seats plus airfares, Marriott Hotel accommodations and $1000.00 for miscellaneous expenses. When he won them his Wedding date had not been finalized. Now it turns out the only date available at the church for their wedding is Super Bowl Sunday - so he can't go.
 If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at 1st Baptist Church at 5 PM. She is a fairly nice looking girl about 5'5 clean, cute, great booty and her name is Kelly. She will be the one in the White dress.
 If interested, contact me for more detailed information! ASAP!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on September 02, 2016, 11:00:40 AM
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on September 06, 2016, 09:18:56 AM
At the Pub, John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of The Night.”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. “Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep”.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on September 09, 2016, 02:25:23 PM
A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

 He marched up to the counter and said,
 "Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
 bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

 "Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say
 but you will also have, as part of your job, the
 assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

 The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

 The social worker said, "Yeah, well...
 You started it." .....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on September 13, 2016, 06:22:00 AM
Ken was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing. He asked his wife,  Carole, if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge. Carole agreed to go.

 While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.  When the manager was finished, Carole asked him, “How much is that faucet?”

 The manager replied, “That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.”

 Carole exclaimed, “My goodness, that's an expensive faucet and certainly out of my price range!”

 She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Ken had sent her to buy. The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one. From the storeroom the manager yelled, “Ma'am, you wanna screw for the hinge?

 Carole shouted back, “No, but I will for the faucet.”

 This is why you shouldn't send a woman to Home Depot.

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on September 13, 2016, 11:46:27 AM
A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage.  When  asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every  problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling  unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured  over the course of their marriage. 

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately while fondling her intimately.  The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, “That is what your wife needs at least three times a week………Can you do this?”  The husband  thought for a moment and replied,……………….

“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.”
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on September 27, 2016, 04:55:42 PM
Don't remember seeing this here...but if it was posted before, sorry for the repeat

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on September 30, 2016, 11:17:48 AM
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on October 03, 2016, 04:51:15 PM
According to Forbes Magazine, Taylor Swift earned $170 million last year.  When H C heard this she commented, "I didn't know she gave speeches."


Another blonde joke....

A guy came into work the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling.  Just then one of his co-workers, a blonde, came in and asked what he was doing.

"Shhh," he said, "I'm a light bulb....I'm acting crazy to get a few days off, as there is somewhere I want to go!"

A minute later the boss walked in and asked him what he was doing.

"I'm a light bulb!" he exclaimed matter-of-factly. 

"Your going crazy," he said.  "Take a few days off, and come back when you are less stressed."

With that he jumped down and started walking out.  The blonde started following and the boss asked where she thought she was going.

"I can't work in the dark," she said!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on October 12, 2016, 06:48:44 PM

I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on eBAY any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off my front window. I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the neighborhood watch program. I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of my front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN buy on eBAY) and ran it up the flag pole.

Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7. I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving the $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.

In addition, I bought myself burkas to wear when I shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way and security is hesitant to pat me down. If they say I'm a male wearing a burka, i just say that I identify as a woman today.

Safe at last!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on December 03, 2016, 08:44:49 PM
how do you know your girl friend is getting fat?




she fits into your wifes clothes.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 04, 2016, 01:00:37 AM
 ;D Thanks to all who have contributed to get this up to 500 pages.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on December 04, 2016, 05:35:53 PM
Tab started the first post and finished up page 499.

It's only right that he posts the first one on 500!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on December 05, 2016, 12:36:58 PM
Tab started the first post and finished up page 499.

It's only right that he posts the first one on 500!

thanks for the pressure of coming up with a good joke.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on December 05, 2016, 07:45:40 PM
thanks for the pressure of coming up with a good joke.

What pressure?  Nobody said anything about a good joke. 

Just make one like the others you posted.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 06, 2016, 01:50:15 PM
Not only have we hit 500 pages, but we're only six replies away from 5000 replies.  8)


Here, this might liven up the festivities:

The marksman of all marksmen....

I present Chuck Norris: Super Sniper

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: bulldog75 on December 06, 2016, 02:47:54 PM
What do you call a liberal with an IQ of 160






wait for it






The democrat party.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on December 06, 2016, 07:32:34 PM
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV… The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Jack and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?” Jack says, “You know what, I bet he will.” The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.” Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, “You’re on!”
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, “Fair’s fair… Here’s your money.” Jack replied, “I can’t take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o’clock news and knew he would jump.
“The blonde replies, “I did too; but I didn’t think he’d do it again.”
Jack took the money…
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 07, 2016, 10:39:42 AM
Forrest Gump goes to a brothel and knocks on the door.
A a voice comes over the little intercom and says, "What do you want?"
Gump says, "I was told I could come here to get a good screwing."
The voice replies, "Well...OK....slide $20 under the door."
He does as instructed and waits.
An hour later he's still standing there, so he knocks again.
The same voice comes over the intercom and says, "What do you want?"
Gump replies, "I want to get screwed."
The voice replies, "What? Again?"


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on December 20, 2016, 10:21:16 AM
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation  "I now pronounce you man and wife."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: philw on January 03, 2017, 04:01:51 PM
Too soon ??   Lol yep I am back ;) (http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170103/f323a794b8a0fb3a087f34b75f9212c7.jpg)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfack on January 03, 2017, 06:04:53 PM
Nice one Phil!  ^^^^
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on January 03, 2017, 06:09:22 PM
A classic example of Aussie Humor and Sensitivity   ;) ;) ;)

You're sick, Phil, but funny   :D

P.S.  took me a moment to catch the bit about her mother too.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on January 03, 2017, 07:02:52 PM
HAHAHAHAHAHA...

Good Phil!

I'm glad you're back for sure!!!!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on January 07, 2017, 09:53:59 AM
One sunny day in 2018, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton. The Marine replied, Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here.

The old man said, Okay, and walked away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton.

The Marine again told the man, Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here. The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton.

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton.
 
I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand??

The old man answered, Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing your answer! The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, See you tomorrow."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on January 19, 2017, 04:24:13 PM
Twas the Night Before Inauguration!

 Twas the night before Inauguration, and up in the tower,
 The Donald reflected on his newfound power.
 The conservative masses had come out in force,
 And delivered a victory that would chart a new course.

 The snowflakes were shell-shocked with tears in their eyes,
 The media lied to them . . . What a surprise.
 They had been promised a Hillary win,
 But the criminal Clinton took one on the chin.

 And though from all corners celebrities flew,
 They made no impression, for they hadn't a clue.
 They talked about climate, racism, and such,
 And they made up good stories . . . But didn't know much.

 The fake news and ignorance came at a cost,
 And they can't understand all the reasons they lost.
 They blame it on Comey and Bernie and Vlad,
 But fail to acknowledge the one that was bad.

 Yes, Hillary Clinton, in many ways flawed,
 Was her own biggest hurdle toward getting the nod.
 The campaign exposed her corruptness and greed,
 And her speeches were punch-less as ten dollar weed.

 So out in the streets there arose such a clatter,
 It was Soros-paid protestors and Black Lives Matter.
 With cities to pillage and windows to smash,
 They knew not the issues, but needed the cash.

 Eight years of Obama had given them cause,
 To expect a replacement of their Santa Claus.
 But soon the protestors will feel the pain,
 When the wheels fall off of the old gravy train.

 And now all the snowflakes are riddled with fear,
 Upset and offended by things that they'll hear.
 The cocoa and crayons will help for a while,
 But fact-based opinions will soon cramp their style.

 I originally supported, and voted, for Cruz,
 In the end, I would vote for whoever they choose.
 He wasn't my first choice, but soon I would cede,
 The one they call Trump is the one that we need.

 I saw him on TV in front of a crowd,
 He spoke about veterans, it made me feel proud.
 He spoke about energy, safety, and jobs,
 Taking this country back from the Washington snobs.

 He was dressed in Armani, all tailored and neat,
 And the Brunos he wore made the outfit complete.
 For a man of his vintage, he seemed rather fit,
 And he looked presidential, I have to admit.

 His eyes glowed like embers, his smile was the best,
 And his hair was the color of my old hunting vest.
 His love for this country was on full display,
 And his actions spoke louder than his words could say.

 He thanked all his voters, and before he was gone,
 Saved thousands of jobs while Obama looked on.
 The fate of this country left nothing to chance,
 So, he filled out his cabinet weeks in advance.

 The men he had chosen were of the same mind,
 Let's set the bar high, and not lead from behind.
 He picked up his phone as he rose from his seat,
 With a flick of his finger, he sent out this tweet;

 Now Mattis!, now Kelly!, now Sessions! And Pruitt!
 On Perry! On Flynn, You're the ones who can do it.
 Start lifting restrictions and building the wall,
 Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!;

 The roar of his audience rose from the stands,
 He kissed all their babies and shook all their hands.
 He answered their questions and calmed all their fears,
 They knew it would be a fantastic four years.
 Then he jumped in his limo, and off to his jet,
 A fellow that Liberals won't soon forget.
 He sent one more tweet as the evening expired;
 "Happy Inauguration to all,
 AND OBAMA ,YOU'RE FIRED!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on January 19, 2017, 08:13:37 PM
A blond is driving her Porsche at about 100mph in a 55mph speed zone.  She gets pulled over by a blond California Highway Patrolwoman.

CHP:  Show me your Driver's license.
Blond:  What does it look like?
CHP:  Rectangular card with your picture on it.   You carry it in your purse.

The blond fishes around in her purse for a minute then finds a compact mirror.  She looks at it then hands it to the officer, who takes one glance...

CHP:  Oh.  I'm sorry.  You can go on.  I didn't realize you were a CHP also.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: lee1000 on January 19, 2017, 08:55:52 PM
"An open letter to my wife - a Gun Owning Husband Tells All”

It's time to come clean.

Ok. I've got few things to get off my chest regarding marriage and
firearms.

Honey, I've been purchasing guns behind your back for the last 20 years.

The reason that I've never thrown out that rusty toolbox in the basement
isn't really because I can't get a few guys to help me move it, the
truth is its a safe and loaded with desiccant and pistols.

That pile of odd bits of wood and tinder next to my workshop is actually
scrap wood sitting on a crate of Mosins I got on sale.

The box labeled 'Deere Mower Parts #xxxxx' on it in the garage...is
filled with revolvers and a 1903 Springfield.

Even though you've managed to fit a globe on that stand in the living
room, its really the tripod for a 1919a4.

The ladder to the Attic does work, I just didn't want you and the kids
in the reloading room.

Despite coming home each year with a winning shotgun from a local
raffle...there have been no raffles, I still have the worst luck on the
planet, but man if I don't get lucky with some great deals!

That cricket training rifle I got for the kids for $50 at a yard sale is
actually a custom Remington 700 worth near $2,000.

I've been dishonest about my revolvers as well when I tell you its the
same gun whenever you catch me in the house with one. Honey, please
don't be pissed, but there are actually over 90.

When I told you I had a stamp collection in the downstairs safe, I
wasn't being dishonest, the reason you can't go into that safe has
nothing to do with a faulty lock, it's because that safe is filled to
the iron seams with NFA items.

That 'Well Drilling Cessation' tool and drill set is actually a Barrett
821A.

The giant pipe that sits between our cars, has nothing to do with the
time or expense needed to replace the sewer line; its a Dutch Bronze
Field Cannon. The hay wagon for the kids is actually the base for the
cart.

Those metal balls are not the base for a rock wall but are instead the
shot balls for the cannon.

Those rods on the second workbench are not for a pipe organ project,
they are rifle barrels.

The ammo cans in the basement are actually....filled with ammo.

The hallway closet door hasn't been stuck, the door was keyed with the
lock cylinder at the baseboard. Its the ammo closet.

Home Depot doesn't really sell sets of odd sized pipe cleaners, you've
been using my shotgun and pistol cleaning brushes.

That antique candy dispenser that I'm to restore is actually a reloading
press.

I haven't really had a hankering for Jello or Gelatin, I've been making
ballistics gel.

Bird watching monoculars...yeah....I'm on my 5th spotting scope.

Thanks for putting up with the misshapen sculptures I've been working
on. The art work is horrid, but the bullet casting process is now down
to a science.

This one is a win/win because we got cable and the outdoor life network
channel, but the reason the den used to get horrid reception was because
those weren't rabbit ears atop the tv set, it was my chronograph.

You can stop calling James trying to figure out how or why we took a hit
on the commodities market earlier last year, the commodities were brass
and I brought a hell of a lot of it.

I know you are wondering with my bad knees how I plan on getting into
Badminton, one more confession: Those are shotgun wads.

I've never actually attended a Regional Sales conference each January,
I've been at the SHOT Show...its a support group. Honest.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on January 20, 2017, 06:07:15 AM
Tab, that's HUGE LOL  and stolen .  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on January 20, 2017, 12:18:42 PM
TAB.... Stolen twice. I stole it from Tom...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on January 20, 2017, 01:44:44 PM
make that 3 I stole it from some where else
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on February 09, 2017, 02:41:22 PM
Came across what could be a trivia question...but it made me laugh so I will post it  here

Who is the first woman in US history to lost the presidency twice?

I'll be chuckling all day...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 09, 2017, 09:59:46 PM
There was a woman who ran ages ago but I can't remember her name or what party she ran with. Just a minor footnote in history. Instead I'll just think about Hillary losing with a smile on my face.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: bulldog75 on February 11, 2017, 06:49:56 AM
Hillary lost three times.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on February 14, 2017, 04:21:47 PM
An elderly Irish woman of advanced age visited her doctor to ask his advice on reviving her husband's lagging libido.
 'What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
 "Not a chance," she said... "He won't even take an aspirin."
 "Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish Viagra."
 "What's this Irish Viagra?" she asked.
 "You drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
 A week later she called the doctor, who asked her about the results.
 "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!" she exclaimed. "T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
 "Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
 "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was immediate.
 He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye! With one swoop of his arm, he sent cups and tablecloth flying, then ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
 "Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean it wasn't good?"
 "It was the best I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 17, 2017, 08:30:19 PM

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on February 27, 2017, 08:15:48 PM
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.The couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean, well-maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.The social workers raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care."We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment."Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet," the circus couple explained.The social workers are finally satisfied. They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?""It doesn't really matter, as long the kid fits into the cannon.?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on February 28, 2017, 09:56:26 AM
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.The couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean, well-maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.The social workers raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care."We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment."Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet," the circus couple explained.The social workers are finally satisfied. They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?""It doesn't really matter, as long the kid fits into the cannon.?

Mind if I steel that one??    :o :o :o :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on March 03, 2017, 06:59:56 AM
         
President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht; the Pope
accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off, right
into the water.

It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in
place.

The crew and the secret service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get
it, when Trump waved them off, saying "Never mind, boys, I'll get it."

The Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the
hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht, and
handed the Pope his hat.

The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope's entourage were
speechless.

No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.

But that afternoon, NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, and CNN
reported:  "TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on March 03, 2017, 10:24:41 AM
1966 vs 2016


2016 NEW YEAR
This should be sent only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it...

1966: Long hair
2016: Longing for hair

1966: KEG
2016: EKG

1966: Acid rock
2016: Acid reflux

1966: Moving to California because it's cool
2016: Moving to Arizona because it's warm

1966: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2016: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1966: Seeds and stems
2016: Roughage

1966: Hoping for a BMW
2016: Hoping for a BM

1966: Going to a new, hip joint
2016: Receiving a new hip joint

1966: Rolling Stones
2016: Kidney Stones

1966: Screw the system
2016: Upgrade the system

1966: Disco
2016: Costco

1966: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2016: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1966: Passing the drivers' test
2016: Passing the vision test

1966: Whatever
2016: Depends
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on March 03, 2017, 10:27:27 AM
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1998.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced 7 years before they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control..
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane.."
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 03, 2017, 12:16:49 PM
I know who JR was, but even ten I didn't care who shot him, beyond thinking they had done television a great service
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on March 03, 2017, 12:25:07 PM
1966 vs 2016


2016 NEW YEAR
This should be sent only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it...

1966: Long hair
2016: Longing for hair

1966: KEG
2016: EKG

1966: Acid rock
2016: Acid reflux

1966: Moving to California because it's cool
2016: Moving to Arizona because it's warm

1966: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2016: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1966: Seeds and stems
2016: Roughage

1966: Hoping for a BMW
2016: Hoping for a BM

1966: Going to a new, hip joint
2016: Receiving a new hip joint

1966: Rolling Stones
2016: Kidney Stones

1966: Screw the system
2016: Upgrade the system

1966: Disco
2016: Costco

1966: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2016: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1966: Passing the drivers' test
2016: Passing the vision test

1966: Whatever
2016: Depends

I shamelessly stole and passed along; ::) ::) ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on March 03, 2017, 01:02:02 PM
I shamelessly stole and passed along; ::) ::) ::)

That's what they're all there for.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 03, 2017, 06:29:48 PM
I just noticed what time the last post was. 02:02:02. I'm about to steal another joke.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 03, 2017, 11:30:43 PM
         
President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht; the Pope
accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off, right
into the water.

It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in
place.

The crew and the secret service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get
it, when Trump waved them off, saying "Never mind, boys, I'll get it."

The Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the
hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht, and
handed the Pope his hat.

The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope's entourage were
speechless.

No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.

But that afternoon, NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, and CNN
reported:  "TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!"

Stolen and when I sent the email the title I put on it was "This is how fake news works." It seemed appropriate.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: les snyder on March 07, 2017, 10:49:21 AM
OK... this was on the net, but gave me a chuckle anyway...emergency telephone rings at the control tower of a small airport... caller- this is a "mayday"... my pilot just had a massive heart attack, and is dead... he programmed this number into his cell before takeoff... tower- keep calm, do you know what type of aircraft you are in... caller- 172... tower- good, we have experienced pilots that can talk you down... what is your altitude and airspeed?..  caller- altitude is 12,000 ft and 150 knots, I'm in a cloud bank and inverted... tower- how do you know the airspeed and alitiude?  caller... the altimeter reads 12,000 and the air speed indicator reads 150 knots ... tower- how do you know you are inverted?.... caller- I crapped my pants, and its running down the back of my neck
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on March 09, 2017, 10:47:54 AM
Number 4 best seller on Amazon right now. 

"The most exhaustively researched and coherently argued Democrat Party apologia to date, "Reasons To Vote For Democrats: A Comprehensive Guide" is a political treatise sure to stand the test of time. A must-have addition to any political observer's coffee table. "Thorough" --Ben Shapiro, nationally syndicated columnist and New York Times bestselling author"[/b]

https://www.amazon.com/Reasons-Vote-Democrats-Comprehensive-Guide/dp/1543024971

Before you rush there to buy it: 

http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2017/03/09/amazon-best-seller-reasons-to-vote-for-democrats-book-is-just-empty-pages.html
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 15, 2017, 10:25:26 PM
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
 
'Mommy, the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
 
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'
 
'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'
 
'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
 
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
 
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
 
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
 
'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
 
'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
 
Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
 
The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?
 
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
 
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
 
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
 
'Oh really?' the mother asks, 'Why?'
 
'Because you got an F in sex!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on March 16, 2017, 12:05:19 PM
I have been told there is a very cool classic wood boat in this picture....

I have been staring at it for hours, I still can't spot the boat.


(http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170315/41de35b80670decfd85f80f99b07ba1c.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ranger Dave on March 16, 2017, 02:27:29 PM
boat??????
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on March 16, 2017, 06:24:20 PM
There is a boat there.

If you focus closely, you can see a part of it between her legs....   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 16, 2017, 10:21:00 PM
Wood.   ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on March 17, 2017, 07:30:08 AM
Wood.   ;)

Or woody! :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on March 30, 2017, 10:19:43 PM
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".The boss, astonished, says "$101,237.65?!? What the hell did you sell him?"The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 08, 2017, 02:10:06 PM
I started to post this in the Defense section as an instructional video.....BUT, figured it belonged here.  ;D




Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on April 18, 2017, 12:35:11 PM


    Saying goodbye to Mother (hysterical!)

    We were dressed, and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.
     
    We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
     
    As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house. Because she always tries to eat the bird.
     
    My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
     
    A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'
     
    The cab driver hit a parked car.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on April 20, 2017, 03:03:12 PM
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on April 20, 2017, 03:09:43 PM
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

I'm guessing this would have something to do with something related to toilet paper?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on April 20, 2017, 03:14:37 PM
I'm guessing this would have something to do with something related to toilet paper?

^^^^*
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on April 26, 2017, 02:47:56 PM
http://m.shop.nordstrom.com/s/prps-barracuda-straight-leg-jeans/4457245?cm_mmc=google-_-productads-_-Men%3ABottoms%3APant-_-5243246&rkg_id=h-d96191a336be80f4b4e91c7e6b8997af_t-1493174170&adpos=1o1&creative=57184551233&device=m&network=g&gclid=CPCemaCLwdMCFQx7fgodm9oMNA


I'll make them a hell of a deal, they can buy my jeans for a $200 at the end of the day.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 26, 2017, 03:04:32 PM
http://m.shop.nordstrom.com/s/prps-barracuda-straight-leg-jeans/4457245?cm_mmc=google-_-productads-_-Men%3ABottoms%3APant-_-5243246&rkg_id=h-d96191a336be80f4b4e91c7e6b8997af_t-1493174170&adpos=1o1&creative=57184551233&device=m&network=g&gclid=CPCemaCLwdMCFQx7fgodm9oMNA


I'll make them a hell of a deal, they can buy my jeans for a $200 at the end of the day.

Jeans with fake mud that shows you're not afraid to get down and dirty. Oh really?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 26, 2017, 04:04:46 PM
Frank, it's not a joke.
 They're over $400
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on April 26, 2017, 05:30:30 PM
We were selling $10 torn, weathered, filthy Levi's to Icelandic girls for a Benjamin back in 76-77! 

The real deal and the more worn out the better! 

You could probably barter for "special compensation" but my girlfriend was a local..she kept a death grip on my junk! 

LOL
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 26, 2017, 11:14:41 PM
Frank, it's not a joke.
 They're over $400

I know it's not a joke. It's just ridiculous.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 27, 2017, 06:00:52 AM
They're to o with the "man bun".
Or, as I call it, "the gobblers knob"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 27, 2017, 02:40:06 PM
Any guy who has a man bun deserves a good beating. Wearing one should be a crime. The beating shouldn't.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 27, 2017, 02:43:38 PM
Unless it Toshiro Mifume. Then you might want to be polite, but the rest of them are just faggots.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 27, 2017, 02:52:39 PM
Since he's dead he won't get an ass kicking and he can't give me one either.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on April 27, 2017, 03:09:02 PM
If ypu have a beard,  can't change a tire, shave.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 27, 2017, 03:20:57 PM
If ypu have a beard,  can't change a tire, shave.


Note to women,
If your boyfriend doesn't know how to change a tire you are a lesbian.
That applies if he has a gobblers knob or fake dirt as well.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on April 28, 2017, 11:01:05 PM
http://m.shop.nordstrom.com/s/prps-barracuda-straight-leg-jeans/4457245?cm_mmc=google-_-productads-_-Men%3ABottoms%3APant-_-5243246&rkg_id=h-d96191a336be80f4b4e91c7e6b8997af_t-1493174170&adpos=1o1&creative=57184551233&device=m&network=g&gclid=CPCemaCLwdMCFQx7fgodm9oMNA


I'll make them a hell of a deal, they can buy my jeans for a $200 at the end of the day.

That's more money...or credit....than sense. 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on May 14, 2017, 12:20:55 PM
https://youtu.be/WIARMMtUdZQ
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on May 14, 2017, 02:12:18 PM
What difference at this point does it make?   :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on May 14, 2017, 02:13:21 PM
Thanks for sharing that Tab. 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on May 29, 2017, 06:05:03 PM
I'll leave it to you to figure out if this is real or fake news.

http://www.sundayregister.com/nude-sunbather-singapore-beach-injured-crab-mistakes-vagina-oyster/
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on May 30, 2017, 07:36:43 AM
I'll leave it to you to figure out if this is real or fake news.

http://www.sundayregister.com/nude-sunbather-singapore-beach-injured-crab-mistakes-vagina-oyster/

"Flyin' Doc says yer gonna die, mate."

Crusader Rabbit
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on June 04, 2017, 11:24:27 AM

Hillary phoned the president's office shortly  after midnight. “I need to talk to the president, it’s an emergency!” exclaimed Hillary.

After some cajoling, the president’s assistant agreed to wake him up.

“So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?” grumbled Trump.

“ A Supreme Court Judge just died, and I want to take his place.” begged Hillary.

“Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the mortuary.” replied President Trump.


 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on June 05, 2017, 11:36:18 AM
if you see a man open a car door for a women, you know one of them is new.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on June 16, 2017, 02:34:05 PM
 Last Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D.C, an aide to Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral in D.C. He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's Mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain Pelosi's views.Pelosi's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $10,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."As Pelosi's aide promised, Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle. As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Pelosi was present.The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Congresswoman Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other issues. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both In Washington and in California. The woman is simply not to be trusted."The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with President Obama, Pelosi is a saint

oldie, but a goodie
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Steve Cover on June 30, 2017, 08:33:35 AM
The Coyote Principle

CALIFORNIA

• The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.

• The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

• He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

• He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

• The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

• The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.

• The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.

• The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

• The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training for the nature of coyotes.

• PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the state.

TEXAS

• The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

• The Governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

• The buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on July 01, 2017, 10:28:01 AM
That actually happened in Texas.  But if memory serves, Gov. Perry shot the coyote repeatedly with his .380 before it got to his dog.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on July 04, 2017, 10:54:32 PM
(https://images.craigslist.org/00D0D_id0HvQlxS2x_600x450.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on July 05, 2017, 04:59:37 PM
(https://images.craigslist.org/00D0D_id0HvQlxS2x_600x450.jpg)

stolen and reposted elsewhere
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on July 07, 2017, 12:40:18 PM

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and lay on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said,

"What's wrong with you, honey?  Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady.  I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper."

The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"

Now, that's a businessman!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on July 23, 2017, 02:28:41 PM
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass ?""We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass.""Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said."But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there eating grass under that tree.""Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!""Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high!"Come on . . . did you really think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story?Look at Congress -- over 300 Lawyers!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on July 23, 2017, 05:00:55 PM
What is the difference in an accident scene where a lawyer is hit by a car and one where a dog is hit by a car?


There will be skid marks by the dog.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gabithompson730 on July 27, 2017, 09:42:16 AM
A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary." The guy says, "What's wrong with her?" The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous. The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall." The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it." The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island." The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex. About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall. He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer." She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer. The guy says, "Get me some nails." She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails. The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "f..k!" She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on July 27, 2017, 01:56:32 PM
A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary." The guy says, "What's wrong with her?" The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous. The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall." The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it." The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island." The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex. About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall. He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer." She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer. The guy says, "Get me some nails." She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails. The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "f..k!" She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on August 08, 2017, 07:06:49 PM
That hurts....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on August 09, 2017, 07:25:44 PM
When Insults Had Class

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words. They have done the rounds before, but they are still comedy gold!!

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy ." -Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." -George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." -Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." -Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." -Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." -Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it." -Groucho Marx



“My, you’re ugly madam”, Winston Churchill to Lady Astor.

“And you Sir, are drunk…” Lady Astor in Response

“Yes but I will be sober in the morning!”, Churchill’s Reply.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on August 10, 2017, 12:16:10 PM
When Insults Had Class

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words. They have done the rounds before, but they are still comedy gold!!


You do know these WILL be allocated for future use by some of us!

 ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on August 10, 2017, 02:06:47 PM
You do know these WILL be allocated for future use by some of us!

 ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)

Maybe even on this board........
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on August 10, 2017, 04:53:54 PM
You do know these WILL be allocated for future use by some of us!

 ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)

Yes but in the morning I'll be sober
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on August 10, 2017, 04:55:49 PM
Yes but in the morning I'll be sober

Speek fa yosef, misser!

""Burp""
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on August 11, 2017, 01:25:59 PM
Yes but in the morning I'll be sober
Speek fa yosef, misser!

""Burp""

 :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :o :o :) :) :) :) :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on August 31, 2017, 04:13:38 PM
http://nypost.com/2017/08/31/no-joke-robbers-walk-into-a-bar-full-of-off-duty-cops/
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on August 31, 2017, 07:47:56 PM
Why don't you send your wife to Home Depot?

Husband:  I will have this new kitchen done as soon as I get the cabinet doors hung.  Honey, I short one hinge.  Will you go down to the store and pick one up?

Wife:  Sure!

Salesman:  Good morning, how can I help you today?

Wife:  I just came in to get a ... Oooohhhhhhh!  How much is that faucet set?

Salesman:  That is a great set.  It is gold plated and is priced at only $575.

Wife:  Oh.  Well, I'm here to get one more hinge for our new cabinets.  Do you have one of these?

Salesman:  Sure do.  Here it is.  It is only $3.75.  I'll go back to the storeroom and get it for you.

Salesman (from the backroom):  Do you want a screw for that hinge?

Wife:  No, but I will for the faucet set.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on October 28, 2017, 04:17:17 PM
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong."Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?""Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh."Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.""That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?""I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show.""Sensible" says Jeff."So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw.""And what happened then?"(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)"I kicked her in the face."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on November 08, 2017, 07:34:32 AM
A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
 
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch. How much will you charge me?"
 Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
 
The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
 
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
 
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
 
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."
 A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
 
"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.
 "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."
 Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.
 "Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on November 08, 2017, 07:41:23 AM
Bill.  That is just so wrong.  Yer' killin' me here dude.  Arrggghh....paint the car.

HAR HAR.  My wife is gonna hate this one.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 08, 2017, 12:16:52 PM
That's an oldie but goodie. It should say Porsche not Porch at the end. That's what the whole joke is about.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 10, 2017, 04:01:06 PM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 10, 2017, 10:50:21 PM
8)

 :)  Good one.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on December 05, 2017, 05:44:51 PM
(https://i.imgflip.com/20fp8o.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 07, 2017, 11:13:23 PM
It just occurred to me that if SIG made a version of Michael's 10mm Big Pig it would be a SIG Big Pig.   ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on December 07, 2017, 11:51:12 PM
For you Frank! ;) ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 08, 2017, 12:03:33 PM
 ;D  Thanks kmitch200 for my first laugh of the day.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on December 08, 2017, 02:13:56 PM

I bet when he went to the Dr. He asked for something to take away the pain, But keep the swelling...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 08, 2017, 09:36:58 PM
I bet when he went to the Dr. He asked for something to take away the pain, But keep the swelling...

All the bumps drive the ladies crazy.   ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on December 09, 2017, 02:54:36 PM
You guys are SICK!

Wonderful trait to have and that's why I like you.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on February 21, 2018, 05:36:55 PM
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't f*ck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 21, 2018, 07:38:34 PM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on February 22, 2018, 10:32:21 AM
8)

But nowadays he would be arrested and the headline would read "NRA member kills innocent partier".
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 22, 2018, 08:08:23 PM
But nowadays he would be arrested and the headline would read "NRA member kills innocent partier".

Indeed.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on February 25, 2018, 06:57:41 AM
It snowed all night, so the morning goes like this:

8:00 I made a snowman.

8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest.

8:20  The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.

8:25 The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures.

8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf.

8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what's going on.

8:42 I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I mutter : "Yeah, if it's up your ass!!"

8:45 TV news comes by. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and I am immediately called a sexist.

8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am being blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.

9:00 I'm on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble during this difficult weather.

9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices.

9:29 A little known jihadist group has claimed it was their plot.

Moral: There is no moral to this story. It's the America we live in today.
  :'(
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 25, 2018, 07:16:20 PM
I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, it depends on the placement of the carrot, which snow-women don't have.  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on February 26, 2018, 10:38:55 AM
It snowed all night, so the morning goes like this:

8:00 I made a snowman.

8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest.

8:20  The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.

8:25 The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures.

8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf.

8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what's going on.

8:42 I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I mutter : "Yeah, if it's up your ass!!"

8:45 TV news comes by. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and I am immediately called a sexist.

8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am being blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.

9:00 I'm on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble during this difficult weather.

9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices.

9:29 A little known jihadist group has claimed it was their plot.

Moral: There is no moral to this story. It's the America we live in today.
  :'(


Hope you don't mind if I steal this one!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on April 12, 2018, 02:58:21 PM
Figures it would be after Tax Day.....

http://www.foxnews.com/science/2018/04/11/biblical-prophecy-claims-rapture-is-coming-april-23-numerologist-says.html
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: GASPASSERDELUXE on April 12, 2018, 06:57:42 PM
Figures it would come AFTER I just had my colonoscopy and also laid out $1900.00 to my dentist which I won't have compleated till the 25th.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on April 12, 2018, 07:11:40 PM
Death and taxes the only 2 things that we all share
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 12, 2018, 11:26:49 PM
Figures it would be after Tax Day.....

http://www.foxnews.com/science/2018/04/11/biblical-prophecy-claims-rapture-is-coming-april-23-numerologist-says.html

Don't worry. Trump will save those of us left.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 15, 2018, 11:11:10 PM
My uncle emailed me a short version of the Trump Train commercial. I found the full video and had to share it with you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ukqiltR-90

MAKE AMERICA TRAIN AGAIN.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on May 21, 2018, 12:18:54 AM
Questionable advice.

On premarital sex. Think of marriage like buying a new car. You wouldn't buy a new car without taking it for a test ride first. Or at least taking a good look at the interior.  :o  Just don't slam the doors too hard or the seller will get mad.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on May 29, 2018, 06:43:49 PM
I saw a video today of the top 5 guns that aren't worth the money. One was the SCAR 16 which the guy described as having an UGG boot stock. He wasn't kidding.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on June 01, 2018, 06:09:53 PM
I was looking at e coupons on kroger.com today and had them sorted by the most recent. One coupon was Save $1.00 on Simply Summer's Eve™ product. Right next to it was Save $0.75 on Ken's® Simply Vinaigrette.  :o  Who needs to make up jokes when they're all around us?  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on June 19, 2018, 09:23:23 PM
I've seen this unflattering picture on the front page a few times and every time I see her face, I think of my friend Dave. I sent an email saying that, and the pic, to another friend. The exact quote of my friend who never capitalizes anything is, "omg , i thought it was a dude to, and she does look like dave lol".
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on June 20, 2018, 05:09:45 PM
With retirement coming up fast, we're thinking of getting a pair of dogs.   I'm going to name the Timex and Rolex.    They will be watch dogs after all.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on June 20, 2018, 05:12:19 PM


    Nancy Pelosi called Chuck Schumer one day and said "I have a plan to help us win the mid terms in 2018 and help us regain control of Congress." "Great Nancy, but how?" asked Chuck. "We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador Retriever. Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there." So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman, Montana. With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.

    The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi?" "Yes we are," said Nancy, "and what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Chuck suggested we stop and take in some local color." They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen. A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar. For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads.

    Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?" "Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a Labrador Retriever in here with two assholes!"

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on June 21, 2018, 06:42:15 AM
Late last night I picked up a hitchhiker.  After all, no one should be stuck someplace in the middle of the night.

He said, "I'm surprised you would pick up a stranger in the middle of the night.  Aren't you afraid I might be a serial killer?"

I said, "Nah. The chances of two serial killers being in the same car at the same time is astronomical."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 21, 2018, 11:53:19 AM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on June 25, 2018, 11:52:36 AM
Today's Horoscope: "You are easily influenced by what you read and have the ability to make vague sentences somehow applicable to your own existence."

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says, "What is this—some kind of joke?"

A limerick packs jokes anatomical,
Into space that is quite economical,
But good ones, it seems,
So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

Why did the duck cross the road? To prove he's not chicken.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 25, 2018, 03:29:33 PM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on June 25, 2018, 05:36:47 PM
8)

D'oh!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 26, 2018, 12:05:54 PM
 :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on July 31, 2018, 11:47:21 AM
https://youtu.be/QK3Eo9cScEQ

Ronald Regan  funny
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: les snyder on August 22, 2018, 09:48:56 PM
true incident... I was following a new Ford 450 diesel down I75 this afternoon... small oval sign on the bumper.... WHEN I DIE, THE DOG GETS EVERYTHING
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on August 22, 2018, 09:54:44 PM
I'm assuming that is post-divorce...  ???
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on August 24, 2018, 07:18:46 AM
Subject: : Mowing near an electric fence If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this.

The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without really cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is funny... and true.

This was sent by a retired dentist. We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 ft. into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works..

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger.

 I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body.

My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.

Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together.

It was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand. At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences. But Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of.

The 8 ft. long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil.

At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day. He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created. I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.

 I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire..

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this!!!). That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things electric.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: hollandm on August 24, 2018, 12:36:55 PM
Oh My, That was funny!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on August 28, 2018, 03:28:50 PM

Dear Abby,
 
My husband hasn't worked for the last 14 years. All he does is get dressed in the morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his cronies. I know he's cheated on me many times with young girls who could be his granddaughters.  I know this because he brags about this to me.
 
He smokes fancy cigars and drinks the most expensive liquor day and night. We sleep in separate beds because he tells me he knows I`m a lesbian.

And besides that, he says my varicose veins and fat behind turn him off.
 
Should I clobber him with something heavy, or should I just leave him ?

Your advice would be appreciated.
 
Sincerely,
Mad as heck
 
 
 
Dear Mad as heck,
 
You don`t have to take that kind of treatment from any man.
I suggest you pack your bags and move out a.s.a.p.!
Don`t resort to violence; try to act more like a lady.
 
Don’t forget, you were almost elected President of the United States!
So try acting like one.
 
Abby




Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on August 28, 2018, 07:52:37 PM
Oh My, That was funny!!

I was really laughing when I got to the part about the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on September 08, 2018, 07:04:15 PM
I forgot all about the whole Y2K hullabaloo until I came across an old cartoon recently. Way before Y2K there was the Y1 problem.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on September 10, 2018, 01:40:15 AM
Question: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? Answer: A stick!

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?  A nervous wreck!

"Hello, is this the Fire Department?"  "Yes."  "My house is on fire -- you have to get here right away!"  "Okay, how do we get to your house?"  "You don't have those big red trucks anymore?"

Son: Dad, I have to go out. Could you do my homework for me? Dad: I'm sorry, son, but it just wouldn't be right.  Son: Well, maybe not, but could you give it a try anyway?

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables wrapped around his neck and orders a martini.  The bartender says, "Okay, but don't start anything."

Question:  What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?  Answer:  I don't know and frankly, I don't care.

An optimist sees a glass as half full.  A pessimist sees a glass that's half empty.  An engineer sees a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

A guy gets a call from his doctor, who says, "I have bad news, and worse news.  The bad news is that your test results came back and they showed you only have 36 hours to live."  The guy responds, "Oh, my God!  What could possibly be worse than that!"  The doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."

A 92-year-old man and his 90-year-old wife go to their lawyer's office. The lawyer is astounded when they tell him they want to get a divorce. "But you've been married for 70 years! What in the world could make you want a divorce at this stage in your lives?"  "Well," says the wife, "we've been thinking about this for years, but wanted to wait until the children were dead."

A panda walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. When he finishes, he pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to leave, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda shouts back, "Hey, I'm a panda -- look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to "panda" and reads: "A bear-like black and white animal native to mountainous regions of China and Tibet. Eats shoots and leaves."

A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his office and says, "There's a guy in the waiting room asking to see you.  He claims he's invisible."  The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving probably isn't for you.

Question:  What do you get when you cross a judge with poison ivy?  Answer:  Rash decisions.

A guy goes into a bookstore and asks the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"  She replies, "If I told you that, it would defeat the purpose, wouldn't it?"

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Question: What did the fish say when he hit the concrete wall? Answer:  Dam!

Question:  Why do they put bells on cows?  Answer: Because their horns don't work.

A patient says to his doctor, "You've got to help me.  I keep dreaming that I'm Donald Duck, then the next night I dream I'm Mickey Mouse.  What's going on?"  The doctor replies, "That's very interesting -- how long have you been having these Disney spells?"

A guy goes to his doctor for a check-up.  After conducting a thorough examination, the doctor says, "I have some bad news.  You're dying and you don't have much time left."  "Oh no, that's terrible! How long have I got?" asks the patient. "Ten," says the doctor.  "Ten? Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" the patient asks desperately. The doctor continues, "...nine, eight, seven...."

A guy rushes into his doctor's office and shouts, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"  The doctor calmly responds, "Please settle down.  You'll just have to be a little patient."

Question: How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?  Answer: One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.

Question: Why are jack-o'-lanterns usually smiling? Answer: If you had the contents of your head scooped out, you'd have a stupid grin on your face too!

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?  The food is great, but there's no atmosphere.

A patient says to his therapist, "I've had this strange feeling that I'm actually a bridge."  The therapist remarks, "That's odd -- what's come over you?"  The patient responds, "So far, five cars, two trucks, and a bus."

A guy goes into a bar and says, "Give me a drink before the trouble starts."  The bartender gives him a drink.  After the guy finishes the drink, he says again, "Give me a drink before the trouble starts."  This happens a couple of more times, and finally the bartender asks, "When is the trouble going to start?"  The guy responds, "The trouble starts as soon as you realize I don't have any money."

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?

Why is the alphabet in that order -- is it because of that song?

Two guys were discovered shouting "together! together!" in the woods. When asked what they were doing, one of the guys responded, "we were lost, and we thought we'd have a better chance of being found if we yelled together."

A man calls the hospital, saying frantically, "My wife is in labor -- please send an ambulance!" The nurse tells the man to relax and asks, "Is this her first child?" The man responds, "No! This is her husband!"

Question: What do you call a chicken crossing the road? Answer: Poultry in motion.

Question: Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Answer: Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

Question: Why can't bicycles stand up on their own? Answer: Because they're two-tired.

Did you hear the one about the cross-eyed teacher? She couldn't straighten her pupils out!

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Just as a surgeon was finishing an operation, his patient woke up and demanded to close his own incision. The surgeon shrugged, handed him the needle, and said, "suture self"?

Did you hear about the woman who was dating a tractor salesman? They broke up when she wrote him a John Deere letter.

A young man facing a murder charge decided to bribe a kindly-looking juror to hold out for a manslaughter verdict. After a long trial and and even longer jury deliberation, the jury indeed returned a verdict of manslaughter. Before being led off to prison, the young man had a moment to talk with the juror he'd bribed. "Thank you so much," he said. "How did you do it?" The juror replied, "it wasn't easy. They all wanted to acquit you!"

If a parsley farmer goes bankrupt, can they garnish his wages?

"Why do they bother saying 'raw' sewage? Do some people cook that stuff?" (George Carlin)

"You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the three Rs, only one begins with an R." (Dennis Miller)

A trucker is driving a group of penguins to the zoo. Suddenly, his truck breaks down and he is forced to pull over to the side of the road. He flags down a farmer driving by in his van and says, "I'll give you $100 to take these penguins to the zoo." The farmer accepts, loads the penguins in the van, and drives off. A few hours later, while the trucker is repairing his truck, he sees the farmer drive by with the penguins still in the back of his van. The trucker shouts out, "Hey, I thought you were going to take those penguins to the zoo!" The farmer replies, "Well, I took them to the zoo, but then I had some money left over, so now I'm taking them to the movies."

Question: What's ET short for? Answer: Because he's got little legs!

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west!'" (Richard Jeni)

"They say that exercise and proper diet are the keys to a longer life. Oh, well." (Drew Carey)

"Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said, 'Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?'" (Gilbert Gottfried)

There once was a mendicant holy man who walked barefoot most of the time, which gave him large callouses on his feet. He also ate very sparingly, which made him frail, and his odd diet gave him bad breath. In other words, he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!

A guy took his cross-eyed dog to the vet and asked, "Is there anything you can do for him?" The vet picked the dog up and peered into his eyes. "I'm going to have to put him down," the vet said finally. "Just because he's cross-eyed?" asked the owner. "No, because he's heavy," said the vet.

Question: How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? Answer: A buccaneer.

"Some sad news from Australia. The inventor of the boomerang grenade died today." (Johnny Carson)

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should have been here at 8:30!" The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

"China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you're a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you." (A. Whitney Brown)

"The government is telling us in order to avoid West Nile virus that we should not play with dead, infected birds. There go my weekend plans!" (Jay Leno) 

Question: What do you call a camel without a hump? Answer: Humphrey.

"I'm shopping, and I caught this guy who's comparing apples and oranges. So I walked over and said, 'Hey, you can't do that.' He said, 'Why not?' 'Because it would be like . . . forget it.'" (James Leemer)

"I tried Flintstones vitamins. I didn't feel any better but I could stop the car with my feet." (Joan St. Once)

Question: Why do elephants drink so much? Answer: To try to forget.

Question: What do cannibals do at weddings? Answer: They toast the bride and groom.

A guy went to the optometrist's office. "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes," he said. The receptionist asked, "Have you seen a doctor?" "No," the guy replied, "just the spots."

A guy shows up in a doctor's office and says, "Help! I think I'm a moth!" The doctor says, "I don't think I can help you -- you need the psychiatrist next door. Why on earth did you come to me?" The guy replies, "Your light was on."

A farmer is driving a manure cart, which breaks down in front of the county mental hospital. A patient leans out of the window and shouts, "What's that manure for?" The farmer says, "I'm going to put it on my strawberries." The patients, responds, "We may be crazy in here, but we put whipped cream on ours!"

A teacher asks her students where they went on vacation. Timmy says, "my family went to Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania." "That's very interesting," says the teacher. "Please spell 'Punxsutawney' for the class." Timmy thinks for a moment, then says, "Actually, we went to Ohio."

"I didn't invent the hypothetical situation, but let's just suppose for a second that I did." (Auggie Cook)

Question: What do you call an unemployed jester? Answer: Nobody's fool.

Patient: Doctor, I sure hope I'm sick. Doctor: Why in the world would you say that? Patient: Because I'd hate to be well and feel like this!

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Why were the police called to the day care center? A three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Question: What happened to the butcher who backed up into his meat grinder? Answer: He got a little behind in his work.

"Why do they call it a 'building'? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a 'built'?" (Jerry Seinfeld)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 10, 2018, 07:13:42 PM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on September 11, 2018, 07:31:44 AM
Starkle starkle little twink who the hell you are I think, I'm not as drunk as most thinkle peep I am, besides I've had only tee martoonies, anyhow I have all day sober to sunday up in, I fool so feelish I don't know who's me yet, but the drunker I sit here the longer I get!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on September 11, 2018, 09:13:59 PM
I was driving down a highway today and when I changed lanes I saw an idiot on a bicycle coming at me head on. It was almost too late but I braked and we both swerved, so he didn't end up as a big red splotch on the pavement. Being quite generous, I'd say he possessed nearly the intelligence of a mollusk, so I'm going to start referring dim bulbs like him as squidiots. Feel free to use the word squidiots as much as you'd like. There are sure a lot of them out there.

I just looked online and squidiot has already been defined on urbandictionary.com, but anyone can post whatever definition they can think of for any made-up word they want to. Words mean what you want them to.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 12, 2018, 01:26:00 PM
 Finally a parking space for fat men with grills.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on September 12, 2018, 02:11:22 PM
The symbol on the right looks like Pac-Man cut in half with scissors. I'm not familiar with that one.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on September 13, 2018, 06:29:34 AM
Finally a parking space for fat men with grills.  ;D

Har...har....

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on September 13, 2018, 03:38:10 PM
Why is it that people who ride motorcycles are called bikers and people who ride bikes are called cyclists?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 14, 2018, 10:41:52 AM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on September 14, 2018, 12:18:45 PM
8)

I had to steal that one!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 15, 2018, 12:06:25 PM
 :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on September 15, 2018, 04:37:27 PM
 :) :) :) The Laughing Cow fuse is a new one on me.


Arkansas Democrat-Gazette 25 July 1996

Two local men were seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on state Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County Deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday.

Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center.

The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog-gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole’s pickup truck’s headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge.

After traveling approximately 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right, exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.

“Thank God we weren’t on that bridge when Thurston (shot his intimate parts off) or we might have been dead,” stated Wallis. “I’ve been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can’t believe that those two would admit how the accident happened,” said Snyder.

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole’s wife, asked how many frogs the boys had caught, and did anyone get them from the truck. 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 15, 2018, 06:29:31 PM
:) :) :) The Laughing Cow fuse is a new one on me.


Arkansas Democrat-Gazette 25 July 1996

Two local men were seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on state Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County Deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday.

Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center.

The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog-gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole’s pickup truck’s headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge.

After traveling approximately 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right, exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.

“Thank God we weren’t on that bridge when Thurston (shot his intimate parts off) or we might have been dead,” stated Wallis. “I’ve been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can’t believe that those two would admit how the accident happened,” said Snyder.

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole’s wife, asked how many frogs the boys had caught, and did anyone get them from the truck.

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D


Another WTH fuse photo....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on September 15, 2018, 07:40:43 PM
What in thee actual...? Never mind.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 16, 2018, 02:39:25 PM
What in thee actual...? Never mind.

Yeah.


Same guy probably pulls a trailer using this set-up......
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on September 16, 2018, 02:57:29 PM
The Wizard of Id book #3 cover pic. 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on September 16, 2018, 04:44:14 PM
If I was a kid and found $12,000 cash I would like a kid in... well, you know.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on September 16, 2018, 05:15:26 PM
Yeah.


Same guy probably pulls a trailer using this set-up......

Connecticut plates!

Doesn’t surprise me, looks like a Ranger bumper.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on September 17, 2018, 05:29:36 AM
A tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic
merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat ?"

"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.

The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story".

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.

A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay. Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.

"Ahhh," said the owner, "You come back for story ?"

"No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on September 17, 2018, 10:59:06 PM
Did you realize that whatever the temperature is, and whatever room you're in, it's always room temperature?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on September 21, 2018, 10:32:04 PM
Rufus is a Latin word meaning redheaded, but I've never seen a guy named Rufus who was a redhead. The only Rufus I've known personally was an African-American, and with his dark complexion would have looked ridiculous if he was a redhead. Like Homey D. Clown.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 24, 2018, 12:50:59 PM
I've personally known two guys named Rufus, one white who owned a gas station in the little town down the road and one black who I worked with for 17 years.

I know of a white actor and a white singer both named Rufus....Rufus Sewell and Rufus Wainwright.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on September 24, 2018, 06:46:17 PM
This needs too be here


https://worldnewsdailyreport.com/woman-sues-samsung-for-1-8m-after-cell-phone-gets-stuck-inside-her-vagina/


Um, ok I known people stick phones where they are not  supposed too, heard it from many er staff, but too sue afterwards.... wtf
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on September 25, 2018, 12:17:55 AM
I've personally known two guys named Rufus, one white who owned a gas station in the little town down the road and one black who I worked with for 17 years.

I know of a white actor and a white singer both named Rufus....Rufus Sewell and Rufus Wainwright.

How many of them are red-headed? I know 2 of them aren't.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on September 25, 2018, 12:27:54 AM
This needs too be here


https://worldnewsdailyreport.com/woman-sues-samsung-for-1-8m-after-cell-phone-gets-stuck-inside-her-vagina/


Um, ok I known people stick phones where they are not  supposed too, heard it from many er staff, but too sue afterwards.... wtf

Speaking of suing.
https://worldnewsdailyreport.com/red-haired-teen-sues-his-parents-for-2m-for-being-born-ginger/

And don't forget the last paragraph on this page.
https://worldnewsdailyreport.com/disclaimer_/
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on September 25, 2018, 10:48:41 AM
Starkle starkle little twink who the hell you are I think, I'm not as drunk as most thinkle peep I am, besides I've had only tee martoonies, anyhow I have all day sober to sunday up in, I fool so feelish I don't know who's me yet, but the drunker I sit here the longer I get!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 25, 2018, 02:24:58 PM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on September 25, 2018, 03:29:08 PM
I have a bumper sticker that says...

HONK IF YOU THINK I'M SEXY

Then I just sit at a green light until I feel better about myself.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on September 25, 2018, 05:13:11 PM
I have a bumper sticker that says...

HONK IF YOU THINK I'M SEXY

Then I just sit at a green light until I feel better about myself.

 :) Good one.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on September 26, 2018, 10:27:03 PM
I'm so mad at my mother.  >:(

https://youtu.be/YGzfdTsCnZ0
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on September 30, 2018, 09:59:25 PM
I ran into my Arab friend Khalil Ahfahtawah today. I haven't seen him in quite a while and our conversation went something like this.

Khalil: Frank, my friend. It's been too long. How are you today?
Me: I'm alright. How are you?
Khalil: Good, good.
Me: Whatcha been up to?
Khalil: Oh, nothing much.
Me: Yeah. Same here.
Khalil: I heard a song about me on the radio last week.
Me: No freakin' way! What was it?
Khalil: Ahfahtawah and, Allah won.
Me: ::)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Okay. I know that's lame, but give me a break. I just made it up. Here's something that I didn't have to make up. I would solemnly swear or affirm on a Bible this is true.

My older brother, the idiot (not to be confused with my younger brother, the moron), gave all of his friends Stupid nicknames, if they didn't have one already. And I do mean Stupid with a capital "S". One of his friends was named Kerry, as in County Kerry, Ireland, and his last name started with a "B". My idiot brother and the rest of the brain trust all called him C.B. Every time I heard one of them talking to him or about him, he was always called C.B. Like they all thought his name was spelled Carrie, as in short for Caroline.

If anyone wants to argue that marijuana doesn't negatively impact your ability to think logically, all I have to do is point at that bunch and say, "Oh yeah?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on October 02, 2018, 04:15:07 PM


A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."




Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 17, 2018, 03:02:28 PM
 :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on October 17, 2018, 08:17:33 PM
Not a joke. Today I exchanged a couple of shirts I bought last Thursday and the salesperson was someone I never saw before named Aliyah. If she said she was born female, I would call her a liyah alright, because I don't believe it. And not so much because it was a big and tall man's store and she was bigger than me, or the masculine face with poorly applied makeup, but that drag queen voice! If she really is a natural born female and not a transsexual, then I truly pity her. But he/she/it sounded like a guy, a big guy, trying to sound like a woman and doing a very poor job of it.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on October 21, 2018, 03:16:19 PM
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says "come over here and help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde said, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”

He took her hand and said, “Second, I’d want you to relax… Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then…”

He sighed, “let’s put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on October 31, 2018, 08:36:10 PM
Did anyone go trick-or-treating? Bill Goldberg went as a constipated goblin.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 03, 2018, 02:29:22 AM
The doctor prescribed me a new medication yesterday. I have to take 1 tablet 2 times a day. It's not very good the first time, but really tastes like $h!t the second time. :(
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on November 05, 2018, 03:57:16 AM
A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!" "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."

The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat." "I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 10, 2018, 12:55:21 AM
Not a joke, just an observation. I've been using Febreze ONE Fabric & Air Mist in my bathroom for the last month or so. It "cleans away odors from both fabrics and the air", and it says on the bottles, "No aerosols. No dyes. No heavy perfumes." No aerosols. No kidding. I already know that, because I have to keep squeezing the trigger to spray it. No dyes. No duh! It's not a good idea to put dyes in something people spray on their fabrics. It "gently removes odors". A bit too gently if you ask me. No heavy perfumes. There are times a person might want or even need heavy perfumes to cover up what happens in the bathroom. Gotta go!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 11, 2018, 12:33:16 PM
Not a joke, just an observation. I've been using Febreze ONE Fabric & Air Mist in my bathroom for the last month or so. It "cleans away odors from both fabrics and the air", and it says on the bottles, "No aerosols. No dyes. No heavy perfumes." No aerosols. No kidding. I already know that, because I have to keep squeezing the trigger to spray it. No dyes. No duh! It's not a good idea to put dyes in something people spray on their fabrics. It "gently removes odors". A bit too gently if you ask me. No heavy perfumes. There are times a person might want or even need heavy perfumes to cover up what happens in the bathroom. Gotta go!

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 11, 2018, 10:35:19 PM
I used to have air freshener in a tiny aerosol can in my glove box in case I had unnatural gas when I was driving. First it smelled like someone s**t, then it smelled like someone s**t strawberries. I'm not sure which was worse. Ozium works better but I don't buy that anymore. I have power windows and can air out the cab of my truck well enough.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on November 12, 2018, 12:29:28 PM
I think it's time for a bit of "Thread Drift"   ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 12, 2018, 04:52:13 PM
I think it's time for a bit of "Thread Drift"   ;D ;D ;D

Sounds like if Jumbo drives by with his windows down, you'll get the "drift" alright.........  :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 12, 2018, 05:15:36 PM
If anyone asks what crawled up my butt and died, I'll say a skunk by the smell of it. It brought tears to my eyes. ---> :'( :'(
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 13, 2018, 01:42:04 AM
Come on let's drift again
Like we did last summer!
Yeaaah, let's drift again
Like we did last year!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 16, 2018, 10:45:44 PM
WARNING: POTTY HUMOR

My doctor pointed out on the Bristol Stool Chart, poop that comes out like a snake is normal.

But mine is coiled up and hissing, and he's getting worried.

Remember, you were warned.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 17, 2018, 01:11:42 AM
Can born again Christians change the date on their birth certificates?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on November 20, 2018, 08:03:56 AM
Not a joke really but I found it funny. I have to go in for a colonoscopy and I have now heard if referred to as a PCS:

Poop Chute Snoop!

;^)
 :) :) :) :) :) :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 20, 2018, 08:00:00 PM
 :)  I had a bore-scope down my throat one day and another up my butt a week later. I never had one down my throat since but I think it was a smaller one. I always call them bore-scopes and I think most people get it.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: les snyder on November 20, 2018, 10:06:10 PM
I had an endoscopy and colonoscopy done at the same time... I told the Dr. there was an extra $5 in it for him if he did the endo first....he commented that he would have a new BMW for all the times he has been offered the same deal over the previous 20 years....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 20, 2018, 10:59:28 PM
When my appointment was scheduled for the esophagogastroduodenoscopy I realized right away why they always shorten it to EGD. My spellchecker doesn't have any spelling suggestions at all for that one, not even a wild guess.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on November 21, 2018, 11:44:36 AM
Not a joke, but related to the colonoscopy procedure.  This is not recommend any longer.  The risk of internal damage outweighs any information that can be gained over a stool sample...very little to no additional information. 

My VA Dr. had a stool sample kit sent rather than schedule the procedure at my last due date.

The procedure will be needed if there are any bad indicators in the stool sample.   The concern is that Drs will continue to order the colonoscopy anyway because it is a lucrative procedure. 

Check out the info available and be ready to discuss it with your Dr. if they order one.
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: les snyder on November 21, 2018, 10:27:38 PM
Solus... thank you ... I had occluded blood from a benign polyp that was identified by a stool sample.... so far the last two 5 year colonoscopy follow ups have been negative

I don't have a family history, but have had 3 basal, and one squamous skin cancers removed
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 22, 2018, 01:19:34 AM
Not a joke, but related to the colonoscopy procedure.  This is not recommend any longer.  The risk of internal damage outweighs any information that can be gained over a stool sample...very little to no additional information. 

My VA Dr. had a stool sample kit sent rather than schedule the procedure at my last due date.

The procedure will be needed if there are any bad indicators in the stool sample.   The concern is that Drs will continue to order the colonoscopy anyway because it is a lucrative procedure. 

Check out the info available and be ready to discuss it with your Dr. if they order one.

My stool samples didn't show any problems, but my doctor recommended I get a colonoscopy every 10 years. It's a good thing I got it too because I had 2 polyps removed. From what I read they always turn into cancer eventually, unless you die from something else first. I have to go back in 5 years instead of 10 now. After that if everything looks okay maybe it will be every 10 years again. If you're really old you don't need them anymore because it's a slow growing cancer and you'll probably die of old age before it gets very bad.

My brother has always been an @$$hole, but after he had his hemorrhoids removed he was a perfect @$$hole. :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: GASPASSERDELUXE on November 23, 2018, 12:00:19 PM
I have been getting colonoscopys every 5 years since I was 37.There were pollyps taken out every  time since then and they were all negative. This year was no different (75) but when the doc called with the results he said when you turn 80 we will discuss weather you need another. I got the feeling he was thinking that I wouldn't be hanging around long enough after I reach 80, that is if I do.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: les snyder on November 23, 2018, 03:35:36 PM
Gaspasser.... a similar/but different thing happened to me at the Ft Benning 3 gun match in 2008 (IIRC).... we shot the long range stage off a simulated shingled roof (wet) and I literally hung on with the vertical fore grip on one side of the peak, and the magazine on the other... after I finished, while walking back to my equipment, an Army Captain asked if he could speak with me... naturally I said sure Captain... and his reply was , Sir, how old are you?, and I replied that I was 61, and he thanked me... well for the rest of the year I went around telling people about it with pride( I had a good run on that stage) and then it occurred to me that I may have looked like I was going to die, and he didn't want some old fart screwing up his officer efficiency report.. :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 26, 2018, 07:00:47 PM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 27, 2018, 02:59:41 AM
It's true love. Of money.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GqxaCG9PBOs
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 27, 2018, 12:22:58 PM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 05, 2018, 06:41:33 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 17, 2018, 10:48:19 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on December 22, 2018, 06:01:29 AM
A plane is on its way to Washington DC, when Democrat Ocasio Cortez in
economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits
down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the future congresswoman that she paid for economy class
and that she will have to sit in the back.

Cortez replies, "i'm a Democrat, i'm beautiful, i'm Socialist, i'm going
to dc and i'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the
co-pilot that there is a Democrat bimbo sitting in first class, that
belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to Cortez and tries to explain that because she
only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to economy.

Cortez replies, "i'm a Democrat, i'm beautiful, i'm Socialist, i'm going
to DC and i'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police
waiting when they land to arrest the future congresswoman who won't
listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she is a Democrat Socialist? i’ll handle this,
i'm married to a liberal. i speak Socialist."

He goes back to the Democrat and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh,
i'm sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said
to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her, 'first class isn't going to DC."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 27, 2018, 09:55:47 PM
I have a reputation around here for being a real bad@$$. When people see me walking down the sidewalk they cross the street to stay out of my way. My neighbors all know I was in prison for 20 years. Fortunately for me they don't know why, and I'm embarrassed to tell anyone the truth. You know those little tags on mattresses, pillows, etc. that say, "This tag may not be removed under penalty of law"? They take that chit very seriously.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 28, 2018, 03:49:02 PM
My hand fell asleep today. Now it's going to be up all night.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 29, 2018, 11:39:48 AM
My hand fell asleep today. Now it's going to be up all night.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 29, 2018, 06:20:45 PM
The farce is strong in this one.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 30, 2018, 03:56:04 PM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on January 04, 2019, 12:26:13 PM
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.

“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 11, 2019, 07:27:09 PM
^  That's still funny a week later, but I feel like there needs to be a facepalm emoji.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 11, 2019, 07:29:04 PM
Why was the blonde staring at a can of frozen orange juice?











Because it said, "Concentrate".
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on January 11, 2019, 11:18:07 PM


I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 11, 2019, 11:48:30 PM
LMAO.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 17, 2019, 11:06:39 PM
Every time I see this picture of a woman whose head doesn't match the size of her body, I think of a powered exoskeleton something like the loader Ripley operates in Aliens covered in an extra-large fat suit. Like she's 2 feet shorter and standing inside that body. Also I find this edit from Aliens highly amusing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8zLnjXIipXY
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on January 18, 2019, 07:43:48 AM
A guy coming out of a 7-11 notices a funeral procession coming slowly down the street.  It looks a peculiar to him since there are two hearses followed by a gentleman walking his dog.  They, in turn, are followed by a line of 122 men walking in single file.

His curiosity piqued, the guy approaches the gentleman with the dog and says, "I know this is a difficult time, but I was wondering just what is going on, here?"

The gentleman tells him, "Earlier this week my wife and I got into an argument that escalated into a real shouting match.  My dog happened to come into the house, and in a very protective way attacked and killed my wife.  She's in that first hearse."

'My mother-in-law heard all the commotion and started screaming at my dog and me.  Once again, my dog came to my defense and killed her, too.  She's in the second hearse."

The guy thoughtfully considers information news and says to the gentleman, "Is there any way I could borrow your dog?"

Looking over his shoulder, the gentleman says, "Get in line."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 21, 2019, 01:23:16 PM
CR, that was good.  ;D ;D


There was a middle aged guy who bought a brand new Mercedes convertible SLK.
He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.
'This is great,' he thought and floored it some more.
He looked in his rearview mirror and there was a Florida Highway Patrol Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting.
'I can get away from him with no problem' thought the man and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph.
Then he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing' and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State Trooper to catch up with him.
The Trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man.
'Sir,' he said, looking at his watch, 'My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding; that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'
The man looked at the Trooper and said, 'Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you might be bringing her back.'
The State Trooper said, 'Have a nice day.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 21, 2019, 07:36:45 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on January 21, 2019, 07:59:49 PM
;D
old saying, "my greatest fear is after I die my wife sells everything for what I told her I paid for it"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 21, 2019, 10:30:27 PM
My greatest fear is after I die one of my friends doesn't clear my browser history before anyone else sees it.   :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on January 23, 2019, 04:17:53 PM
At The Villages in Florida last week, there was a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:
"I Miss Chicago ."
 
Someone broke the window, stole the radio, shot out all four of the tires, added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read:
 
"Hope this helps"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 08, 2019, 09:07:26 PM
You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. -- Proverb

You can catch more flies with s**t than with honey. -- JumboFrank

Feel free to prove me wrong.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 16, 2019, 03:35:37 PM
Have you ever wondered, What would happen if an anteater mated with a pine cone?

Well my friends, wonder no more!

This my Bing Desktop picture for today reduced to 50% and saved as a jpg. The first time I turn on my computer each day is a surprise. Today I was so surprised I said, "WTF?", which is my normal reaction when I see a picture of a pangolin.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 18, 2019, 01:32:58 PM
Have you ever wondered, What would happen if an anteater mated with a pine cone?

Practically never.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on February 18, 2019, 01:45:59 PM
Have you ever wondered, What would happen if an anteater mated with a pine cone?


I did.  But mine was part of the tree eating flying insects and other parasites that threatened the tree. Allowed the tree to grow 15% larger and live 25% longer than non-anteater trees....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 18, 2019, 04:55:48 PM
Practically never.  ;D

 :D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 19, 2019, 01:45:54 AM
When someone says, "It goes without saying", why do they go ahead and say it anyway?  ???
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 19, 2019, 12:57:16 PM
When someone says, "It goes without saying", why do they go ahead and say it anyway?  ???
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 20, 2019, 07:03:38 PM
Highly illogical.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6C70QRbawN8
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 22, 2019, 12:07:42 AM
Not a joke. --> The world’s oldest recorded joke dates back to Bronze Age Sumeria, 2300-1900 BC. This joke is in tablets written in cuneiform dating to the Old Babylonian period in a Sumerian Proverb Collection.

Joke. --> Something which has never occurred since time immemorial: a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.

Now we know that fart jokes have been around for 4,000 years, but my guess is that cavemen sat around laughing at farts. Once they developed language I bet fart jokes were soon to follow.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 22, 2019, 10:32:34 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 22, 2019, 05:48:18 PM
If anyone asks what crawled up your butt and died, just tell them they got the direction wrong and it was 38 billion bacteria that died.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 24, 2019, 11:25:55 AM
If anyone asks what crawled up your butt and died, just tell them they got the direction wrong and it was 38 billion bacteria that died.

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 24, 2019, 02:39:55 PM
That looks about right to me Peg. If you ask people about the crescent shaped hole in an outhouse door you'll get all kinds of different explanations about what it means, and how long they've been making outhouses with crescent holes in the doors. Some say it dates back to Colonial times but I haven't seen any proof they existed before the Li'l Abner comic strip was made. I've seen and used my share of outhouses but none has ever had a crescent shaped hole, or any other hole for that matter, in the door.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 01, 2019, 07:22:43 PM
After I bought something online I was invited to do a review of it and enter a drawing. I didn't want to use my real name so I made one up. When I submitted my review they said it would be checked by a moderator. Later they sent me an email saying see my review there. My review was posted for the whole world to see, under the name Harry Balzac.  :o  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 13, 2019, 06:36:27 PM
What do you call a long haul trucker who no longer works?

Semi retired.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 30, 2019, 10:44:23 PM
I know it's not politically correct for a white person to tell a joke about black people, even if they heard it from a black person, but ask me if I give a s**t! Um... what I meant to say there was, feel free to fill in the blank with whatever color minority you choose.


Why aren't more _______ nuns?

Because they can't get used to saying "Superior" after "Mother".
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on May 03, 2019, 07:38:41 AM
If I wasn't watching the video I wouldn't have known it wasn't Morgan freeman.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8AfNO4JDSqA
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on May 12, 2019, 11:41:53 PM
Sincerity is the key to success. Once you can fake that you've got it made.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on May 12, 2019, 11:45:06 PM
Here's another Frank Caliendo impersonation I watched 2 weeks ago and wanted to see again. Actually I just wanted to hear it again. And I'll listen again without watching for maximum effect.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SaUG2Q7WR-E
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on May 25, 2019, 09:06:22 AM
https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-tn4ueCAGrAU/XOixNGOsu2I/AAAAAAAA3YM/sHmbmKHGZxcsKl3eoj5tbCmIkr8P32JtACLcBGAs/s1600/61292127_2400422710237293_5179531929623461888_n.jpg (https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-tn4ueCAGrAU/XOixNGOsu2I/AAAAAAAA3YM/sHmbmKHGZxcsKl3eoj5tbCmIkr8P32JtACLcBGAs/s1600/61292127_2400422710237293_5179531929623461888_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on May 26, 2019, 12:50:20 PM
Sounds like a fun thing to try....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on June 02, 2019, 12:48:56 AM
:) I better not send that picture to my friends, because if they ever leave me alone in the room with their Google Assistant I'll say, "Hey Google...", and I wouldn't want them to know it was me. Not until after a 15-day mandatory cooling-off period. ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on June 02, 2019, 12:52:44 AM
Something just occurred to me a couple of days ago.

Why does time pass so slowly when you have to fast?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on June 19, 2019, 10:46:38 PM
I recently got a knee transplant and it turns out the donor was a vagrant. Now I have a bum knee.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on July 30, 2019, 01:09:08 AM
Hello everyone.

It's been awhile since I had time to check in. I spent a week, nearly night and day, getting my new computer set up, and I hate Windows 10. Every app on the whole damned thing wants to gather information on you, wherever you go, and whatever you do. A few days after I had it I already had to upgrade the OS. The Edge browser starts stuff in the background every time the computer starts so CCleaner can't Clean the Crap. And you can't get rid of Cortana, even though no one seems to use it more than a couple of weeks. Of course people have come up with workarounds for both of those. My old computers took me a day to set up, not a week, because everything worked basically the same as the last one.

Anyway, I just dropped in to tell you about this lottery game I was playing online tonight. It's like a crossword puzzle with the words already filled in, and it picks several letters that it checks against the puzzle. The more words it makes with the letters that match, the more you win. I was kind of bored and gazing at the puzzle when I noticed the 2 horizontal words in the center were ADJUST and JUNK. Okay. The 2 words in the middle of the very next game were TAPE and YOURSELF. Adjust Junk? Yeah, I'm sure all of the men on here have had to do that at one time or another. :) But, Tape Yourself afterward? :o I'd rather not. I'll take the risk of needing to adjust my junk again later on. I lost both bets but it was almost worth the cost for entertainment value alone. Who needs to make up jokes when the joke is all around us?

Gotta go. See you all again sometime, hopefully within the week.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on October 29, 2019, 01:27:13 AM
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you
doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years
old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the samebuzz
coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a
shopping trip,
placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my
son-in-law
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on October 29, 2019, 01:41:46 AM
A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn't in bed with her. 
She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. 
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" 
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes, I do," she replies smiling. 
Sniffling a little bit he continues.. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" 
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, loweringherself into a chair beside him. 
The husband continues, "Do you rememberwhen he shoved that shotgun in my face andsaid, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?" 
"I remember that, too," she replies softly. 
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 11, 2019, 08:17:25 PM
This is no joke but I'll post it here anyway. Just 2 weeks ago today it got up to 66 degrees. Lots of people were walking around with no coat on, and I even saw a couple of them wearing shorts. Today it's been snowing all day and they're predicting up to 8" by midnight.  Let that sink in a moment. It was 66 degrees one day then it's snowing up to 8" 2 weeks to the day later. They kept changing the weather alerts, up to 5", 6", 7", 8". When I read the last warning I thought, "That's Pure Michigan." Tomorrow night it's supposed to get down to 8 degrees. What The Bleep?!?! I looked online and found this guy has several spoof videos of the Pure Michigan ads on his YouTube channel.

Warning: Swearing in videos.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XsR0DeY7f1g

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ThnXrmzerys
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 11, 2019, 08:49:28 PM
Here's the real snow day ad if you want to see it.

https://youtu.be/GIXH5RE3Fvs (https://youtu.be/GIXH5RE3Fvs)

And more Pure Michigan ads at the official website. The clear spring in the first video is Kitch-iti-kipi and is 300 by 175 feet and about 40 feet deep. The observation raft is attached to the cable so you can wheel it out and watch the big trout swim around the logs. etc.

The only state where
you can experience
all 4 seasons in a single day.
That's Pure Michigan to me.


https://www.michigan.org/pure-michigan-ads
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 20, 2019, 11:28:19 PM
SAD NEWS  :'(

Please join me in remembering YET ANOTHER great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Dough Boy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough and Dill Dough, plus they had one in the oven. Services were held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 20, 2019, 11:40:02 PM
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass. The doctor described his condition as stable.



If Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber were both drowning and you only had time to save one...

What kind of sandwich would you make?



It only takes a second to show someone how you feel about them.

The police call it indecent exposure but, whatever...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on November 25, 2019, 10:52:26 AM
A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulls out a large syringe to give him an anesthesia shot.
?No way, no needles! I hate needles!? the man exclaims.
So she starts to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man says , ?I can?t do the gas thing either. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!?
The dentist then asks the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.
?No?, he says, ?I?m fine with pills?.
So the lady dentist gives him two little blue pills and he swallows them.
?What are those?? he asks.
?Viagra,? she calmly replies.
?I?ll be damned? said the man. ?I didn?t know that Viagra works as a pain killer.?
?It doesn?t? says the wise lady, ?but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on November 27, 2019, 06:32:11 AM
har har
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 30, 2019, 12:40:46 AM
(NO JOKE) Wednesday I showed up late for my dental appointment, after I was told on the phone I could go in early if I wanted to. There were several staff and no patients in sight when I got there. I told the hygienist, in front of everyone, that she would have to pull my head out of my ass before she could clean my teeth. That wasn't a first impression I would have planned... but it happened. I wonder if she told the dentist about her having to do an extraction?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I may have posted this before, because it's been awhile since I figured it out.

Why do men's shirts have the buttons on the right-hand side?
Because most men are right-handed.

Why do women's blouses have the buttons on the left-hand side?
Because most men are right-handed.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on December 05, 2019, 01:42:22 PM
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
-Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
-Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
-Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
-Phyllis Diller
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 11, 2019, 03:44:59 AM
I never understood why redheads were called gingers. Ginger is pale yellow like blonde hair. Turmeric on the other hand is bright orange. So, from now on I'll only refer to blondes as gingers, not redheads. And if I hear anyone say that gingers have no souls, I'll ask, "Don't you mean turmerics?"

Submitted for your consideration,
Frank
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 11, 2019, 03:48:54 AM
I bought myself a Christmas tree yesterday. The guy asked if I was going to put it up myself and I said no, in my living room.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 11, 2019, 12:07:14 PM
I bought myself a Christmas tree yesterday. The guy asked if I was going to put it up myself and I said no, in my living room.


Now that was funny.  ;D ;D

Reminds me of the real comedians from the "old days"  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on December 11, 2019, 07:24:55 PM
"Dear Heavenly Father, please take our brother, Donald, to his eternal and glorious reward, ASAP. Thank you. 

Your faithful servant, Nancy."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 15, 2020, 05:51:16 AM
I offered a gal a penny for her thoughts.
She gave me her two cents worth.
I got more than I bargained for.
Change comes to us all.
That's non-cents.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 17, 2020, 11:26:14 PM
"If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?" - Dorothy Parker
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on January 18, 2020, 06:26:22 AM
To walk to the bar from my house takes 5 minutes.
To walk from the bar to my house takes 30 minutes.

The difference is staggering.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on January 18, 2020, 10:14:01 AM
HA HA HA....nice one wabbit!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on January 18, 2020, 11:48:52 AM
An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold onto one blade of grass to keep him from falling off the earth!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 25, 2020, 07:18:25 PM
To walk to the bar from my house takes 5 minutes.
To walk from the bar to my house takes 30 minutes.

The difference is staggering.

And a shower. Been there. Done that. Fell headfirst into a ditch... full of liquefied manure! :-[ Maybe I just needed a wider road?


Why do French people eat snails?   They don't taste like fast food.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 25, 2020, 07:26:08 PM
Timothy, I've had to hang onto the Earth to keep from flying off because it was spinning too fast.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Isaac Asimov, best known for his 500+ books was a fan of feghoots, AKA bad puns. This was one of his favorites.

In Victorian England, it was discovered that royal cock pheasants were being shot by the Lord Chief Justice of Scotland, who would hide them in a hole in the wall before coming up to the house to pay his respects to Queen Victoria. Clearly, it was impossible to treat him as a common criminal and drag him to court for poaching, so it was suggested that he be charged instead with male pheasants in orifice.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 26, 2020, 05:26:19 AM
I just realized the difference between fiance and finance is only one letter.

Too bad I didn't figure it out before I got married and became a walking ATM. :(

Frank
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 01, 2020, 11:15:51 PM
I'm sitting here watching a TV show called My Feet Are Killing Me.
The doctor said tell me a little about yourself.
The patient said I've been a nudist for 20 years.
Doctor: A what?
Patient: A nudist.
Me: Not Me. I don't have the balls for it. :)

Well, the show must go on and I'll be watching it... while they're doing surgery on disgusting feet and I'm in the middle of my meal. I was traumatized for life when I was a kid and this stuff doesn't phase me at all.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on March 27, 2020, 08:09:04 AM
Pelosi

This thread has been dormant, so I thought I would post a simple and short joke of the day.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on March 27, 2020, 09:23:45 AM
Serious moment:

Has anyone noticed that there have been over 1.1 million views of this thread since TAB started it at 11:40 am, January 12, 2008.

Also, the second post on here was from our long lost cat  :'(  CrusaderRabbit - Can you give us an update on Haz?  We have tried misusing "Clip", but it hasn't stirred him  :'(
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on March 27, 2020, 07:13:16 PM
I hadn't noticed. 

The cat...man I miss him.  The wabbit done said haz wasn't going to spend any more time here....that's a shame...

CLIP
CLIP
CLIP
CLIP
CLIP
CLIP
CLIP
CLIP

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on March 27, 2020, 09:22:24 PM
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200328/e0f2f26fdf87b7d967b2981ad70986e5.jpg)
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200328/79c7dd76b4aefa0bf0ddbc166aed8342.jpg)
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200328/34284a3daf1e84f9b49abf53dfbee18b.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on March 28, 2020, 07:22:49 AM
Now that is chum....

If that doesn't draw him in nothing will.

What about Alf?  Alfsuave has not been here in ages.  He was going to retire and shoot....no updates...he just disappeared...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on March 28, 2020, 07:51:08 AM
Like Bogan, TomT, and others, he has become a Facebooker.

Alf appears to be enjoying retired life.  Trips further south and east with Miss Kitty, and a lot of shooting competitions.  He had talked about not completely stepping down from the media position at church, but I haven't seen any posts of work in a long time.  I think he learned how to train the new guy and walk away.

Bogan is Bogan - In and out of trouble with the admin.

TomT is at home hurting right now.  He had an issue in his neck with impingement on his nerves.  Unbearable pain and many physical limitations.  He had surgery, and is recovering well.  The station set him up with a studio at home, and he continues to work from there.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on March 28, 2020, 08:09:40 AM
Haz is hunkered down until this Covid19 pandemic passes.  He continues to express his dissatisfaction with the idiocy of both government generally and libtards in particular.  And he does this with anyone who will listen.  I think it remains unlikely that he will return to Down Range.

He and his kid recently returned from an Arizona trip where they made an attempt to view a 40+ acre parcel the kid had mostly purchased.  The land is at about 4,000 feet and that part of Arizona has had a monumentally unusual wet year getting more than its normal yearly rain total in the very two weeks overlapping his visit.  Even with 4-wheel drive and better than average driving skills, they had a great deal of difficulty even getting to the property.  So, it looks like the great getaway and the money already invested have both pretty much evaporated.

On the positive side of things, his health has been fairly good since receiving the "cabbage."  He had one incident requiring a new stent in his replacement tubing because he won't quit those damned cigars.  But, aside from scaring this Rabbit, there seems to be no lasting harm.

And that's the HazCat synopsis.  And, this is supposed to be the joke thread. 

Crusader Rabbit
Title: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on March 28, 2020, 11:09:46 AM
Well, let the Haz, Alf and others on FB know that I said howdy. 

I continue my vigil to avoid FB but I long to know how my lifelong friends are doing in Michigan and my fellow vets around the country.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on March 28, 2020, 11:59:11 AM
It was about six or seven years ago I visited the Cat, and Deepwater and his bride were there as well.  Is he still in the same house?  Don't remember much about the place, but the company was beyond great, and homemade beer in the fridge and a still on the stove made a memory losing time.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on March 28, 2020, 02:34:45 PM
Haz is in the same home.  Homemade beer has been absent for some time--mostly due to girth issues.  The still is around someplace but hasn't been active.  And just so no one will be disappointed when you can't find the Cat on Facebook--you never will.  I think Haz would prefer to give himself an appendectomy with a rusty can lid rather than be on Facebook.  And, I can't say as I blame him.

And since this is the joke thread...
CRITICAL ADVISORY
8 pm is now the
official time to
remove your day
pajamas and to
put your night
pajamas on.


Crusader Rabbit
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 29, 2020, 12:50:03 PM
I miss the Cat.

Here's a funny.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 01, 2020, 08:43:12 PM
Whenever I see The Bogan's name mentioned I think of the definition. Bogan is Australian and New Zealand slang for a person whose speech, clothing, attitude and behavior are considered unrefined or unsophisticated, a person regarded as being of low social status.

Bogan Language Warning: May Be Offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cDdvFQIAfM


I tried posting a couple of pics and it worked! Surprise, surprise, surprise.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 01, 2020, 09:04:54 PM
The good thing about people sheltering in place is that the main roads around here have less traffic at 3 pm than they normally do at 3 am. No "rush hour" from noon until 9:00 or 10:00, or whatever it is.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on April 01, 2020, 11:41:07 PM
Warning, Adult content.

https://youtu.be/pcwlsVBPe-M
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 02, 2020, 01:06:03 AM
Warning, Adult content.

https://youtu.be/pcwlsVBPe-M

Those are my kind of women, neither scrawny nor fat, but one is in serious need of a trim. :o

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qTlStpSvs6I
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 02, 2020, 05:32:20 PM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 02, 2020, 08:23:31 PM
I saw my eye doctor again last month. I thought I had 20/20 vision in both eyes but my right eye is 20/25. :(

The good news is I don't have Glockcoma. :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 02, 2020, 08:30:32 PM
I miss the Cat.

Here's a funny.

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 02, 2020, 08:31:14 PM
Back when I was clean shaven I was wondering what I would look like like with a mustache, so...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 04, 2020, 06:30:29 AM
Clips!!!
Clips!!!
Clips!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on April 09, 2020, 03:19:02 PM
How is a women like a hand grenade?  When you pull the ring the house blows up.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 09, 2020, 06:03:05 PM
CHICKS WITH GUNS.

Here are two chicks with small guns,
and one chick with big guns.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on April 10, 2020, 04:44:38 AM
You can tell that she has been pumping iron.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 10, 2020, 04:36:56 PM
 ;D 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 10, 2020, 11:57:34 PM
Tactical Diapers.

One of the body armor manufacturers had this on their Facebook page in 2018 IIRC. I've been waiting a looong time to post it.

Always cover your ass! ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 12, 2020, 12:59:31 PM
 :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Solus on April 12, 2020, 01:03:31 PM
https://www.facebook.com/CrackedButNotBroken/photos/a.492639400918701/1424903187692313/?type=3&eid=ARCKIS-6CRbpySmdlLr0Ff39P4emzyxREKUJpztazifnqFZSlp0ktYtDOPCVHUqLYtiLU7jKUsW87tch&__xts__%5B0%5D=68.ARBjx-lO8aFnAhPSCZmsSfF40iQE484z_02QNClp5B2GFE3B9Gam8ntqN23CUaZfNzgpCYy-6OxMfdFZGmEbqqOzQ1OQSR5bjVIo9Et-O4PQDmdNyYnvLyk-NzGRYDWWv_tEEAujWzT4u-XYpugKm9QwaXnL6pmqbiXHGKzK0olD8eSTVpYMF8Nx4QxAWPLEarLNceptHaEsQC3GTC1hortZivlz5gKCo0yJ8WBBdQYctabrRgYbmZRifZPWvMo5LQf6U9utrOVYNbUNbqZgE-E0LRXXeJocnwpLcyTSF4bL-q5jvr7h9tEhWtI2i2aR2c-M1spz2XldSDAkcRp9&__tn__=EEHH-R
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 14, 2020, 12:50:39 AM
I laughed hard when I saw the first pic, Solus. I'll see if I can post it. I saw some other funny ones too.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on April 17, 2020, 07:58:45 PM
Saw a old square body Subaru  today that had to be built off a bet.   It was lowered gold spoked rims and curb feelers.   I so wish i had got a pic of it.


A mid 50s white guy was driving it play modern country  turned all the way up.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on April 21, 2020, 08:21:35 AM
Saw a old square body Subaru  today that had to be built off a bet.   It was lowered gold spoked rims and curb feelers.   I so wish i had got a pic of it.


A mid 50s white guy was driving it play modern country  turned all the way up.

That is funny. Never judge a book by its cover????
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 21, 2020, 12:22:52 PM
 8) 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 22, 2020, 02:52:13 PM
It took a few days of deep thought but I finally came up with a solution to the toilet paper shortage. ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 22, 2020, 03:51:26 PM
I'm not gay and I'm proud of it, so I made a Not Gay Pride symbol from a rainbow image I found online. I don't know if anyone thinks that's funny or not. I don't know how homosexuals, etc. hijacked the rainbow and made it theirs in the first place. I may or may not make a larger version of the symbol from scratch and get some T-shirts printed. It would be nice to see the expressions on the faces of sniveling liberals when I let them know I'm proud I'm not gay. If I was having sex with another man, I would not be proud of that. If someone else is proud of it that's okay, just quit asking when I say I'm not interested. No means no!

The only time I got a shirt custom printed, it was a yellow diamond caution sign like the signs on highways. But I made one up for a Butt Crack Hazard Area. It didn't have any writing on it, just a symbol. Imagine gull wings coming over the horizon and you might get an idea what it looked like. I even put the black stripe all the way around the sign near the edge. I made it on a sheet of typing paper with a ballpoint pen and yellow highlighter 20 years or so before I had a computer. It looked so good they just photocopied it instead of making a custom design to screen print, which is what I initially asked them to do. No one knew what the sign meant but I sure got a lot of laughs when I told them.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on May 07, 2020, 06:58:50 PM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on May 08, 2020, 09:22:28 AM
A C5 pilot is making a nose gear up landing.  Just as he touches down:

Tower:  Uh, 0072 how are you doing?

Pilot:  Don't know yet. I'm not through crashing.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on May 10, 2020, 02:50:19 AM
I always like to sit in the very back of a plane. It's the last part to hit a mountain.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: BAC on May 10, 2020, 03:29:05 AM
How far can we get on just one engine?

All the way to the crash site.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on May 10, 2020, 05:13:36 AM
Here's a very old joke that's not about aviation.

What's wrinkled and smells like ginger?









Fred Astaire's face.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on May 10, 2020, 04:30:07 PM
More about everyone's favorite virus.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on May 11, 2020, 12:08:48 PM
That last sign had Tom B's name written all over it.  ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on May 11, 2020, 12:55:16 PM
That was the one I liked best    ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on May 12, 2020, 10:05:06 AM
My doc wouldn't give me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a brand new Flagpole on a condemned building.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on May 12, 2020, 11:46:16 AM
Did you tell him you just wanted to protect your new boots ?    ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on May 12, 2020, 01:11:27 PM
Did you tell him you just wanted to protect your new boots ?    ;D
No. Just told him I needed something to hang my towel on in the bathroom.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on May 12, 2020, 06:04:02 PM
Just one word
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on May 12, 2020, 06:15:53 PM
Best $5 ever spent
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: pigpen51 on May 13, 2020, 08:06:27 PM
I would love to post here, but I worked in a foundry for over 35 years.  Any joke that I could put here, would be both offensive, and hurtful to more than two protected classes and most religions.  In fact, I can't even drink alcohol, in case I get drunk and start to think that I am funny, and tell a joke.  The last time that happened, the police, two nuns, and the members of the local AA meeting were all called to take me away. 
What is the worst thing, is that you would all laugh at the jokes. 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on May 13, 2020, 09:43:51 PM
Good heavens, Please don't offend our tender sense of morally outragous social justice .   
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on May 13, 2020, 09:52:41 PM
I would love to post here, but I worked in a foundry for over 35 years.  Any joke that I could put here, would be both offensive, and hurtful to more than two protected classes and most religions.  In fact, I can't even drink alcohol, in case I get drunk and start to think that I am funny, and tell a joke.  The last time that happened, the police, two nuns, and the members of the local AA meeting were all called to take me away. 
What is the worst thing, is that you would all laugh at the jokes.
  i didnt know there where jokes that were funny that disnt do that.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on June 12, 2020, 05:56:13 PM
My doc wouldn't give me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a brand new Flagpole on a condemned building.

My uncle stuck a Viagra in his ear and was hard of hearing the rest of his life. He didn't want to hear anything my aunt said anyway.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on June 12, 2020, 06:19:39 PM
I learned a couple of things yesterday.

1. A 0.045" thick cutting wheel, the really thin kind, spinning at 12,500 RPM on an angle grinder, not only cuts though solid steel, it cuts through human flesh. My new neighbors probably heard me yell, "F**k!" before I started grinding again. I got it just behind the web of my left hand. There was surprisingly little blood, but it still stings a little when I wash my hands. I didn't cut myself very deep because it's a sensation that instantly tells your brain to stop doing that.

2. A hot cup of coffee will wake you up, and it doesn't even need to have caffeine in it. Anyone who doesn't think so hasn't spilled a cup of hot coffee in their lap. Actually I already knew that from prior experience, but was reminded again yesterday.

3. Not yesterday. but today, I was once again reminded of something else I already knew. You have to wait a much shorter time for a timer to go off if you remember to set it and press the start button. You have to do both of those things and I did neither, until after I sat here wondering why it was taking so long.

4. I haven't done this one personally, but thought it was good advice that bears repeating. Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on June 21, 2020, 10:03:16 AM
(https://ibb.co/CJMDSyV)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on June 23, 2020, 07:54:07 AM

4. I haven't done this one personally, but thought it was good advice that bears repeating. Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

And as an addon. Never, NEVER gamble of a fart. BTDT!   :o :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 23, 2020, 01:23:13 PM
And as an addon. Never, NEVER gamble of a fart. BTDT!   :o :o

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on September 08, 2020, 11:06:22 AM


This brings me so much joy.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on September 08, 2020, 11:36:53 AM
I just got a reply notification from this thread. So now I know everything is working right.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on September 08, 2020, 02:03:17 PM
     This is why the Palestinians quit using Molotovs  .
Funny what you can do with a suppressed 10/22       ;D   




This brings me so much joy.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ranger Dave on September 08, 2020, 04:40:05 PM
That's too damn funny, I needed that
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on September 09, 2020, 07:55:53 AM
<iframe width="499" height="281" src="https://youtu.be/xI68A-rntIk?t=6Z" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on September 09, 2020, 11:53:15 AM
That footloose video should be a part of the Antifa recruitment and how-to-do-it videos...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on September 16, 2020, 03:45:38 PM
They took it down for violating terms of service... what a load of nancy pelosi.


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on September 16, 2020, 05:30:41 PM
Ask the ones on Face Book, I get that a lot .    ;D
It's like my "f..k your Feeling's" Trump mask.
They may be able to exercise power, I have no duty, or inclination, to let them enjoy it.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on September 19, 2020, 02:07:10 AM
Nothing funny about this post, just straight up truth.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on September 19, 2020, 02:10:52 AM
Wildlife Identification Series

Part 1: The Pandas

Giant Panda
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on September 19, 2020, 02:11:28 AM
Red Panda
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on September 19, 2020, 02:13:56 AM
Trash Panda
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on September 19, 2020, 08:15:06 AM
I like animals better than I do most people.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on September 19, 2020, 09:47:05 AM
I like animals better than I do most people.

You and me both!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on September 22, 2020, 11:09:55 PM
.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on September 29, 2020, 08:19:51 AM
Conversation with Jesus . . .

Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a vodka and cranberry along with a quiet conversation with Jesus. This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day.

I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"


And he replied: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."

I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."

Jesus gazed in my direction and said: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".

I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it.
"Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"

Jesus replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to talk with you some more, Senor', but right now, I must finish cutting your lawn."

I am gonna have to steel this one.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on September 29, 2020, 08:22:31 AM
Gunslinger & the Old Prospector




Love it!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on September 29, 2020, 08:29:27 AM
A father walks into a market with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.


Had to steel this one also!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on October 02, 2020, 06:23:35 AM
^ There must be more to the story but I'm not searching for it.


Anyone getting ready for Halloween or Samhain? I'm still trying to decide on a costume, alien, predator, president, governor, witch, or other?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on October 14, 2020, 02:30:28 PM
Ran out of room for my .38spl so I got a clean bucket from the garage.  New motto over at Home Depot now.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on October 15, 2020, 01:26:09 PM
Ran out of room for my .38spl so I got a clean bucket from the garage.  New motto over at Home Depot now.
  a couple years ago, a employee at the pro desk asked me how many of those buckets i had bought over the years.  I was estimating  25k    I had a standing order of 150 every week for 3 years.    The cost of the employee to cleam a bucket far exceeds the price of rhe bucket. Thats not including all the 5 gallon paint buckets that were reused.  I would guess total 5 gallon buckets in my life time to be betweem 400-500k.


Why is it i can never find a clean one when i need it

 >:(
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 16, 2020, 09:27:46 AM
Main reason I wound up with a Contender.
I made about 75,000 I ought to have ONE.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on October 26, 2020, 01:30:04 AM
This list of Top 10 World’s Most Powerful Guns 2020 is just so wrong I thought this was the most appropriate place to post it. Maybe you'll get a laugh out of it. Anyone who agrees with it should be be taken out and shot with one of these. Sometimes you need to skim the garbage out of the gene pool. ;)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqE_oghYMVQ
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 26, 2020, 08:51:33 AM
I think my IQ was just reduced 10 points.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on October 26, 2020, 09:07:40 AM
FAL = The "most powerful rifle". Who knew?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 26, 2020, 03:38:35 PM
Oh yes, the FAL is much more powerful than the other half dozen rifles using the exact same ammo.
Jeez, people get dumber every day.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on October 26, 2020, 06:01:50 PM
Besides the "like" button we need a "vomit" one.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on October 26, 2020, 06:46:08 PM
Besides the "like" button we need a "pelosi" one.
fixed
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 27, 2020, 08:44:02 AM
fixed

If the post doesn't make you sick the button will.    ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on October 27, 2020, 11:40:45 PM
.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 28, 2020, 09:34:46 AM
I'm going to try stealing that for FB.    ;D

Edited to claim success !   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: bulldog75 on October 31, 2020, 09:14:09 AM
Not sure if this had been posted here. I talked to one of my older brothers and he confirmed this was a lot of our childhood. A few parts are different. Dad was a Korea vet. My brothers did dumb stuff like this. I wondered why dad would not let me do anything fun.

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumbich.
That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place. One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (Ether). The light bulb went off in my head.
I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner. Lets face it, to a 10 yr old mouth-breather like myself, (Ether), really doesn't "sound" flammable.
So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of Pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles).
At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the (Ether) can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie, a 1 lb. Pyrodex and 16 oz (Ether) should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know?
You know what? Screw that I'm going back in the house for the other can.
Yes, I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too. Now we're cookin'.
I stepped back about 15 ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck...OH SHIT! He just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of Pyrodex and into the can.
Oh Shit.
When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 fricking decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1 ft above the ground as far as I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a worm or two.
The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this... THE FRICKING DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE.
There was a big sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the pasture.
Notice I said "was". That son-of-a-bitch got up and ran off.
So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my Thundercats T-Shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback:
ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOU'RE BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE. DAMNIT CEASE FIRE!!!!!
His hat has blown off and is 30 ft. behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 ft. over our backyard. There is a Honda 185 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires.
I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know – I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later....repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR. and Dad screaming "Bring Him back to life so I can kill him again". Thanks Mom.
One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again, Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business.
Dad sold his muzzle loader a week or so later. I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality, either from the blast or the beating, or both.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. It's good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 04, 2020, 08:22:19 PM
LMAO. I never got to have any fun when I was a kid. I made a slingshot from a Y shaped piece of tree branch, a scrap of leather, and 2 big rubber bands. One place we got fish and chips from always put a rubber band around the Styrofoam boxes and I used those. One day we were playing around in the barn and my younger brother was way up on top of a bunch of hay bales when I winged him in the eye with a piece of cat food. That was my last slingshot for a really long time until I finally bought one as an adult. IIRC the cat food was shaped like a plus sign and I had the rubber bands stretched from the end of my arm back to my face to make sure the cat food had enough power to make it up there. Hitting my brother in or near the eye was completely accidental, but sometimes in a barn $hit happens.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 06, 2020, 06:28:37 AM
Did you hear about the kid in California who was kicked out of school for being lactose intolerant? The libtards won't accept any intolerance in school.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MartinWill1989 on November 18, 2020, 07:48:14 AM
An old woman decides to go into an old town for supplies. As she rode up near the store and tied her old mule to the hitch rail and as she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, saying, “Hey Old WOMAN, have you ever danced?”

The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No, I never did dance … Never really wanted to.”

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, “Well, you old bag, you’re gonna dance now!” and started shooting at the old woman’s feet…

The old woman prospector –not wanting to get her toe blown off– started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers…

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman’s hands, as she quietly said, “Son, have you ever licked a mule’s behind?”

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “No ma’am … But … I’ve always wanted to.”
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 21, 2020, 05:15:38 PM
Warning: You are now entering the bad joke zone.

Did you know there's a city in California named after a waffle that was dropped on the beach? Sandy Eggo.

I know it was bad but don't blame me. That was courtesy of "The Waffle King" at Kellogg's. He knew it was bad too.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 21, 2020, 05:40:43 PM
Time for some pix.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 21, 2020, 06:08:55 PM
More.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 21, 2020, 06:37:21 PM
These Revised Contact Precautions are from 2016. I stumbled upon them a couple of months ago.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on November 29, 2020, 10:40:00 AM
You know those neighborhood signs cautioning drivers to slow down, children at play?

Here's what we have in my 'hood.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on December 01, 2020, 03:29:36 PM
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with ya, Father, a while back I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I knew that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he come to church every Sunday. I also knew he had to take off his hat during Mass, and figured he would leave it in the back of the church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed yer mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well after I heard yer sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided ya would rather do without yer hat than burn in Hell?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on December 11, 2020, 12:51:00 PM
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.

This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.

AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 20, 2020, 06:54:05 PM
You know.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 25, 2020, 06:53:11 PM
Charles Addams knew how to get rid of those pesky Christmas carolers. With boiling oil! :) Cartoon from 1946.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on December 26, 2020, 06:47:42 AM
Charles Addams knew how to get rid of those pesky Christmas carolers. With boiling oil! :) Cartoon from 1946.
I'm willing to bet that in 2020 you couldn't get a paper to put that in the comic section.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 26, 2020, 11:23:26 PM
A "package" from Santa.

And a pic I didn't get around to posting at Halloween.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 30, 2020, 11:44:39 AM
I just got an email alerting me to an unexpected deposit of $600 in my savings account. When I looked it said IRS TREAS and TAX and a bunch of letters and numbers. I already have plans for it.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on December 30, 2020, 07:55:27 PM
With my $600 I'm gettin A Salt Rifle
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 30, 2020, 11:22:28 PM
Got flies?

I had a phone appointment with my psychiatrist Tuesday. I told him how I had new gun parts and guns in various stages of repair all around the house. He approves of my hobby of surrounding myself with guns and working on them as therapy for depression. No joke, I just find it amusing, like that stimulus check meme amuses me. I know that meme applies to many of us, and it's the last chance to say F**k You Biden "at the government's expense" before he takes office. And don't forget to buy ammo or bullets, spare mags, or maybe even some optics if you have anything left of your $600.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on December 31, 2020, 11:20:32 AM
Uh...It's our money that we gave to the government and they're giving a small amount of it back.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 31, 2020, 07:35:28 PM
Uh...It's our money that we gave to the government and they're giving a small amount of it back.

Exactly. But at least The Crown saw fit to give us lowly peasants a share of our hard-earned dough.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on January 01, 2021, 02:01:49 PM
This
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on January 01, 2021, 03:57:49 PM
Uh...It's our money that we gave to the government and they're giving a small amount of it back.

More like our great, great grand kids money!  They spent the $700k I paid em already!

I don’t need it but I’ll take it anyway!  I’m living near the poverty line in retirement but I’m surviving...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on January 01, 2021, 04:24:57 PM
I don't even want to think about the amount of money I have given them over the years.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Timothy on January 01, 2021, 05:24:33 PM
I don't even want to think about the amount of money I have given them over the years.

Yeah...  I’ve only made about $2,000,000 in my 50 years...a pittance in comparison!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on January 04, 2021, 01:09:55 PM
And then there is this:

  The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation.  After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry.  The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves.  The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures.  So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church.  Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning.  They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy!  They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church.  Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue.  They took the first squirrel and circumcised him.  They haven’t seen a squirrel since
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 04, 2021, 06:48:38 PM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on January 06, 2021, 08:20:57 AM
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”
The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”

Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, “We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?”

The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”

The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.”

The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.”

The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”

The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.” So they asked him, “Well, old-timer, what do you have?”

The old man said, “I thought it was gas – but I was wrong, too!”
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on January 06, 2021, 08:23:19 AM
Traveling through the country, an old couple drives into a gas station. The attendant asks the old man, "Where you folks from? I know everybody in this town."

The old man says, "We're from Nebraska."

Hard of hearing, the old lady nudges her husband, "What did he say, papa?" The old man answers her, "He asked us where we are from." "Oh," replies the old woman.

The old man tells the attendant to fill up the tank and check the tires. When that's all done, the attendant tells the old man, "You know, the worst piece of ass I ever had was from Nebraska."

The old lady nudges her husband once more and asks, "What did he say, papa?" The husband replies, "He thinks he knows you, mama."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on January 06, 2021, 08:24:35 AM
There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy and asked him, "Can I touch it?" He replied, "No way -- you already broke yours off!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on January 06, 2021, 08:25:31 AM
A 96-year old man is pleading with the doctor for a lower sex drive. "Surely you're imagining things," says the doctor. "You're 96 years old. Isn't all the feeling for sex just in your head?" "Yes," replies the elderly man, "that's why I want you to lower my sex drive to the place where it might do more good."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on January 06, 2021, 08:25:56 AM
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on January 06, 2021, 08:31:07 AM
Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A: The hooker can wash her crack and resell it.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on January 06, 2021, 08:32:24 AM
Three people get arrested and are taken into holding for questioning. The officer talks to the first girl, asking, "What's your name?" She says, "Yo." The officer asks, "What are you in for?" She responds with, "Blowing bubbles." The officer takes her picture and lets her go. He asks the second girl, "What's your name?" She responds with, "Yo Yo." The officer asks, "What are you in for?" She responds with, "Blowing bubbles." The officer takes her picture and lets her go. He talks to the guy and says, "Let me guess, your name is Yo Yo Yo." The guy replies with, "No, it's Bubbles."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on January 06, 2021, 08:39:27 AM
A man in a hotel lobby turns to go to the front desk, but he accidentally runs into a woman beside him and his elbow bumps into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on January 06, 2021, 08:40:18 AM
Last one:

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 07, 2021, 01:44:31 AM
Three people get arrested and are taken into holding for questioning. The officer talks to the first girl, asking, "What's your name?" She says, "Yo." The officer asks, "What are you in for?" She responds with, "Blowing bubbles." The officer takes her picture and lets her go. He asks the second girl, "What's your name?" She responds with, "Yo Yo." The officer asks, "What are you in for?" She responds with, "Blowing bubbles." The officer takes her picture and lets her go. He talks to the guy and says, "Let me guess, your name is Yo Yo Yo." The guy replies with, "No, it's Bubbles."

That reminds me of another joke. Did you hear they caught Michael Jackson blowing bubbles in the bathtub? :o

You're really on a roll J. Kennedy.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on January 08, 2021, 11:28:57 AM
Not really a joke but I like it!

An old cowboy was riding his trusty horse followed by his faithful dog along an unfamiliar road. The cowboy was enjoying the new scenery when he suddenly remembered dying and realized the dog beside him had been dead for years, as had his horse. Confused, he wondered what was happening, and where the trail was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall that looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch topped by a golden letter "H" that glowed in the sunlight. Standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like gold.

He rode toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. Parched and tired out by his journey, he called out:

'Excuse me, where are we?'

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.

'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.

'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'

As the gate began to open, the cowboy asked 'Can I bring my partners, too?'

'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'

The cowboy thought for a moment, then turned back to the road and continued riding, his dog trotting by his side.

After another long ride, at the top of another hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a ranch gate that looked as if it had never been closed. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
'Excuse me,' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'

'Sure, there's a pump right over there. Help yourself.'

'How about my friends here?' The traveler gestured to the dog and his horse.

'Of course! They look thirsty, too,' said the man.

The trio went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with buckets beside it. The traveler filled a cup and the buckets with wonderfully cool water and took a long drink, as did his horse and dog.
When they were full, he walked back to the man who was still standing by the tree.
'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.

'This is Heaven,' he answered.

'That's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.
'
'Oh, you mean the place with the glitzy, gold street and fake pearly gates? That's hell.'

'Doesn't it make you angry when they use your name like that?'

'Not at all. Actually, we're happy they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind ...'
(~~author unknown~~)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on January 08, 2021, 11:41:48 AM
I like this "Blond" joke.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on January 08, 2021, 11:45:20 AM
JESUS AND THE DEMOCRAT"

A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked
the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a
cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He
shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a
cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that
Jesus, over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot
tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He
hobbled over to a booth, sat down, and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's
about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer.
"On my bill," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him, and
said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength
come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him, and said, "For your kindness,
you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he
raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of backflips out the
door.

Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.

The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ... I'm on disability."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on January 08, 2021, 11:48:22 AM
For those of you, if any, that own a cat!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on January 08, 2021, 11:49:35 AM
Last one for a while. For those of you that are married and older. Has this happened to you YET???
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on January 08, 2021, 11:58:48 AM
Found one more. Stolen from FB.

Jerry was in a Hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.
"Nurse" he mumbles "are my testicles black?"

The nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his balls in the other. She takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them sir."

Jerry pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly:
"Thanks for that. It was lovely but listen very very carefully ... Are-my-test-results-back?!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 09, 2021, 01:22:15 AM
Found one more. Stolen from FB.

Jerry was in a Hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.
"Nurse" he mumbles "are my testicles black?"

The nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his balls in the other. She takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them sir."

Jerry pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly:
"Thanks for that. It was lovely but listen very very carefully ... Are-my-test-results-back?!"

 :) Depending on who the nurse was I'd have a smile on my face too.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 09, 2021, 01:44:49 AM
Time for some memes. The first one reminds me of Yakov Smirnoff, if anyone knows who he is.

Did you know True Value Hardware Store sells KeyMod Handguards?

I call the last pic Meat Donald Trump. ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 09, 2021, 02:08:15 AM
I wanted a new pair of loafers but didn't have the bread for them. ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 09, 2021, 02:35:32 AM
I don't know what kind of wood this is but it looks like slices of bacon. And what goes with bacon? Eggs? Cake? Cake and eggs?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 09, 2021, 03:13:19 AM
Speaking of people buying toilet paper for a respiratory virus...

The last pic is from before they were even close to coming out with a vaccine.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on February 09, 2021, 03:00:24 PM
https://www.cnn.com/2021/02/08/us/gorilla-glue-girl-scli-intl/index.html

Louisiana woman has sought medical treatment after mistakenly using Gorilla Glue spray adhesive in place of actual hair spray.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on February 09, 2021, 03:04:05 PM
https://www.cnn.com/2021/02/08/us/gorilla-glue-girl-scli-intl/index.html

Louisiana woman has sought medical treatment after mistakenly using Gorilla Glue spray adhesive in place of actual hair spray.

Proof positive that you really can't fix stupid.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on February 09, 2021, 03:24:57 PM
Louisiana woman has sought medical treatment after mistakenly using Gorilla Glue spray adhesive in place of actual hair spray.

I think perhaps she mistook the term "Gorilla" to a point not intended.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on February 09, 2021, 07:33:31 PM
Not surprising.  Someone like that showed up at big Charity Hospital in New Orleans (when there was one).  She had leaves in her coochipop...so what had happened is she had a prolapsed uterus and had put a sweet potato up there to hold things up.  It started taking root...no kidding.  A friend of mine was a doctor there when that happened....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on February 09, 2021, 11:32:26 PM
Not surprising.  Someone like that showed up at big Charity Hospital in New Orleans (when there was one).  She had leaves in her coochipop...so what had happened is she had a prolapsed uterus and had put a sweet potato up there to hold things up.  It started taking root...no kidding.  A friend of mine was a doctor there when that happened....

If you want an effective appetite suppressant, just think about the smell of that one. 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on February 10, 2021, 12:14:59 AM
Not surprising.  Someone like that showed up at big Charity Hospital in New Orleans (when there was one).  She had leaves in her coochipop...so what had happened is she had a prolapsed uterus and had put a sweet potato up there to hold things up.  It started taking root...no kidding.  A friend of mine was a doctor there when that happened....

I had more than a few pics sent to me by the misses of different  things stuck in different  places... all x rays.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 10, 2021, 08:56:07 AM
Proof positive that you really can't fix stupid.

Maybe not. But it sticks really well.   ;D
Best thing is just outlaw warning labels and let stupid fix itself.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: BAC on February 10, 2021, 10:45:33 AM
If you’re old enough...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 11, 2021, 08:53:16 AM
Not surprising.  Someone like that showed up at big Charity Hospital in New Orleans (when there was one).  She had leaves in her coochipop...so what had happened is she had a prolapsed uterus and had put a sweet potato up there to hold things up.  It started taking root...no kidding.  A friend of mine was a doctor there when that happened....

I had more than a few pics sent to me by the misses of different  things stuck in different  places... all x rays.


And yet you wonder how Biden won ?   :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 14, 2021, 02:37:12 PM
https://www.cnn.com/2021/02/08/us/gorilla-glue-girl-scli-intl/index.html

Louisiana woman has sought medical treatment after mistakenly using Gorilla Glue spray adhesive in place of actual hair spray.


You racist! Yes you is.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 14, 2021, 02:49:30 PM
Not surprising.  Someone like that showed up at big Charity Hospital in New Orleans (when there was one).  She had leaves in her coochipop...so what had happened is she had a prolapsed uterus and had put a sweet potato up there to hold things up.  It started taking root...no kidding.  A friend of mine was a doctor there when that happened....

That's an urban legend that's been around for several decades. It's always a potato or sweet potato, and usually an elderly hick, but I never heard of anyone actually doing it. Not that I question the the sheer stupidity of people, because some have stuck much worse things where they don't belong. I once saw a website with x-rays of "lost objects" people have inserted into various orifices and been unable to retrieve. Two that were hard to forget were guys who tried to smuggle a snub-nose .38 revolver, and a hand grenade, into prisons.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 14, 2021, 02:57:50 PM
Sixteen Hours

To the tune of Sixteen Tons


I slept sixteen hours, what did I get?
Another day older, but I wasn't done yet
St. Peter don'cha call me, 'cause I ain't dead
I'm just too damned lazy to get out of bed

I slept seventeen hours, what did I get?
My stomach growling, hungry as heck
Grab a fork and plate, spoon and bowl?
No, I rolled back over and started to snore

I slept eighteen hours, what did I get?
Wrinkles from my pillow, permanently set
I got bed head hair, that I can't comb
Well, I'll just leave well enough alone

I slept nineteen hours, what did I get?
Too much sleep, and I wasn't done yet
Should I rub one out or go back to sleep?
Ten seconds later I was countin' sheep

I sleep twenty hours and get up to pee
Look out the window, don't like what I see
It's cold outside, so whattaya know?
I'm right back in bed, not shovelin' snow

I slept twenty-one hours, what did I get?
Cotton-mouth, cotton-eye, worse yet
I woke up when I heard the north wind howl
No, that's my stomach lettin' out a growl

I slept twenty-two hours, what did I get?
No, St. Peter, I still ain't dead, yet
You've read this far, you must be brave
Tennessee Ernie's rollin' in his grave

I slept twenty-three hours, what did I get?
A really stiff back, a crook in my neck
Scratchin' my butt, scratchin' my head
Gettin' dark outside, time to go back to bed

I slept twenty-four hours, what did I get?
A silly ass song that's stuck in my head
Sittin' here, hot cup of joe in my hand
I have to sit 'cause I'm too tired to stand.


New lyrics by Big Frank
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on February 14, 2021, 03:14:57 PM
That's an urban legend that's been around for several decades. It's always a potato or sweet potato, and usually an elderly hick, but I never heard of anyone actually doing it. Not that I question the the sheer stupidity of people, because some have stuck much worse things where they don't belong. I once saw a website with x-rays of "lost objects" people have inserted into various orifices and been unable to retrieve. Two that were hard to forget were guys who tried to smuggle a snub-nose .38 revolver, and a hand grenade, into prisons.

Well, maybe the legend started on my buddy's midnight shift at New Orleans Charity Hospital when he was an intern 35 years ago. 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 14, 2021, 07:02:44 PM
That's an urban legend that's been around for several decades. It's always a potato or sweet potato, and usually an elderly hick, but I never heard of anyone actually doing it. Not that I question the the sheer stupidity of people, because some have stuck much worse things where they don't belong. I once saw a website with x-rays of "lost objects" people have inserted into various orifices and been unable to retrieve. Two that were hard to forget were guys who tried to smuggle a snub-nose .38 revolver, and a hand grenade, into prisons.

Actually the Grenade seems like the least painful.   
At least it's round.    ;D

I've had days I thought I was crapping a grenade.  Or having a democrat.    ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on February 14, 2021, 07:51:54 PM
Actually the Grenade seems like the least painful.   
At least it's round.    ;D

I've had days I thought I was crapping a grenade.  Or having a democrat.    ;D  ;D

Have you tried Metamucil for that?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 15, 2021, 08:27:36 AM
Have you tried Metamucil for that?

If you stick it in bottom first the spoon will dig in like a sea anchor, but it should come out OK.
Talk about dropping a bomb.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 16, 2021, 12:02:25 PM
If you stick it in bottom first the spoon will dig in like a sea anchor, but it should come out OK.
Talk about dropping a bomb.   ;D

It's like a math problem...just work it out with a pencil.  8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 17, 2021, 09:28:12 AM
It's like a math problem...just work it out with a pencil.  8)

The grenade, not the pin.
That would get messy.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on February 17, 2021, 03:06:18 PM
There was a..
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 18, 2021, 08:02:19 AM
Ever wonder why belt fed weapons got popular ?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on March 09, 2021, 10:51:01 AM
Clearly a maintenance issue.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 10, 2021, 01:26:43 AM
It's like a math problem...just work it out with a pencil.  8)

 ;D ;D ;
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on March 11, 2021, 12:47:09 PM
Not a grenade but???

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on March 11, 2021, 12:50:03 PM
When God is tired of your lying!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 11, 2021, 02:14:20 PM
When God is tired of your lying!

Isn't  that an out take from the "Exorcist" ?       ;D   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 12, 2021, 03:54:45 AM
Isn't  that an out take from the "Exorcist" ?       ;D   ;D

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on March 12, 2021, 05:49:32 AM
Isn't  that an out take from the "Exorcist" ?       ;D   ;D

This country is going to need an "exorcism" after 4 years with that son of a bitch!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 12, 2021, 08:19:04 AM
This country is going to need an "exorcism" after 4 years with that son of a bitch!

It's what the sheep want.
They aren't worth worrying about.
"How stupid can they get ?"
There is no bottom.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 10, 2021, 11:58:35 PM
Here's a meme I downloaded a month ago.

And I Reuben I got from Arby's a week ago.

What are they trying to do to me? AHHH!!! :)

P.S. I came up with the name "dead center" for the picture, but named it what it really is.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on April 12, 2021, 01:15:15 PM
A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I," then at his knee, meaning, "need," and he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw." The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate. The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ''What the hell is wrong with you!? Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!'' The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, ''I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.'' :o :o :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on April 12, 2021, 01:52:54 PM
Sorry,,, I'll quit after this one!!!

Two women are discussing life in the retirement village they live in with their spouses and how they like it. One woman tells the other that she misses sex though to which the other replies that her and her hubby still have sex whenever she wants. The first woman asks how and the second woman says every so often when he's in the bathroom getting ready for bed she gets naked and lays on the bed holding her legs up in the air so when he comes out he can't help but have sex with her. The first woman decides to try this a couple of weeks later. Her husband is in the bathroom getting ready for bed so she gets naked, lays down and struggles to get one leg up and then the other as she's holding them shakily. Her husband comes out and exclaims, "Good Lord woman, put in your teeth and brush your hair....you're starting to look like an asshole!" ::) ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on April 12, 2021, 02:00:26 PM
<credit to Henny Youngman>

Good Jewish boy telephones is mother.
"Ma, how are you doing?"

"Not too well, son."
"Not well.  Ma, what's the matter?"

"I'm just feeling a little weak."
"A little weak.  Ma, do you know why?"

"I just haven't eaten in a while."
"You haven't eaten in a while?  How long has it been since you've eaten, Ma?"

"38 days."
"38 days!!!  Ma, why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

"Well, I go start to eat and then I think God forbid I have my mouth full of food should my son call."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sammy00 on April 30, 2021, 06:42:44 AM
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on May 04, 2021, 02:52:33 PM
Some people are so stupid it's funny. Then there's another class of people who are so stupid that it's not even funny anymore. You decide which this idiot is.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on May 04, 2021, 04:05:30 PM
This clown is the ultimate dick head when it comes to guns.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJmFEv6BHM0
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on May 05, 2021, 04:13:16 AM
Last year I saw this symbol on a new issue of American Rifleman magazine I brought in that had some other mail on top of it. It looked like a ghost waving it's arms and I honestly didn't know what it was. When I picked up the magazine and turned it around so the picture was right side up, this was on the grip of a Taurus pistol. :-[


If you mill out your own Polymer 80, 80% AR-15 lowers, etc. with a Ghost Gunner, you can download free Ghost Writer engraving files for them. I saw this AR lower online and love it.

https://ghostwriter.serverrack.net/
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on May 21, 2021, 05:07:59 AM
I don't know about anyone else but I've had days I felt this way. Too many to keep track of. :-\
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sammy00 on June 07, 2021, 08:14:52 AM
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 07, 2021, 09:03:37 AM
Some people are so stupid it's funny. Then there's another class of people who are so stupid that it's not even funny anymore. You decide which this idiot is.

Bet the dumb c$#t voted.
Democrat,
By mail.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on July 07, 2021, 12:15:50 PM
-

Norway has put large QR codes on all their Navy ships.

When the ships return to port they can Scandinavin.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on July 07, 2021, 02:34:05 PM
-

Norway has put large QR codes on all their Navy ships.

When the ships return to port they can Scandinavin.

Booooooooo  :o :o :o :o :o :P :P
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on July 17, 2021, 08:38:28 AM
Dang.  That bot published the same joke twice.  I wonder if they hang up like old records sometimes?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on July 18, 2021, 05:25:25 PM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 18, 2021, 07:27:20 PM
I pocket carry an LCP,
It's AMAZING how fast pocket lint breeds .   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on July 19, 2021, 01:13:53 PM
I pocket carry an LCP,
It's AMAZING how fast pocket lint breeds .   ;D
pocket holsters.  I carry a colt cobra in my back pocket when a 1911 is not on my hip and some times when it is...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 19, 2021, 03:20:58 PM
If I have skivvies on I have my LCP, I don't consider that "carrying".   
It's just "there" like the wart on my knuckle.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on July 20, 2021, 06:59:00 AM
If I have skivvies on I have my LCP, I don't consider that "carrying".   
It's just "there" like the wart on my knuckle.   ;D

Concealed carry can be quite uncomfortable in the shower.  But I find the LCP to be the least painful. ;D

Crusader Rabbit
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on July 20, 2021, 07:25:56 AM
Concealed carry can be quite uncomfortable in the shower.  But I find the LCP to be the least painful. ;D

Crusader Rabbit

And I don't want to know just where you are concealing it at! ;^)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on July 20, 2021, 08:10:16 AM
And I don't want to know just where you are concealing it at! ;^)

Ain't that the truth.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on July 20, 2021, 03:09:58 PM
And I don't want to know just where you are concealing it at! ;^)

Three methods:
1. The "lanyard"
2. The "clench"
3. The "you're gonna a laxative"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on July 20, 2021, 03:25:15 PM
This reminds me. Wasn't there some idiot NFL player a few years back in a nightclub, that was carrying a pistol in the crotch of his pants when it went off, and shot his dick off. Or some such lunacy?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 20, 2021, 04:18:47 PM
This reminds me. Wasn't there some idiot NFL player a few years back in a nightclub, that was carrying a pistol in the crotch of his pants when it went off, and shot his dick off. Or some such lunacy?

PLAXICO BURRESS


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fpgL5kuBpMA
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on July 20, 2021, 05:02:38 PM
That's him!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 21, 2021, 08:52:54 AM
That's him!

#SAYHISNAME

Dumbass works if you can't remember it.    ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on July 21, 2021, 08:57:21 AM
THAT'S funny!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on July 26, 2021, 06:20:00 PM
Chinese bot
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 26, 2021, 06:40:08 PM
Chinese bot

Russian bot under cover .    ;D

On a Chinese made computer, just like every one else  ;D   ;D   ;D

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEkOT3IngMQ
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on August 11, 2021, 11:42:47 AM



Oldie, but a goodie

Had to look it up to send to a friend
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on August 11, 2021, 11:56:42 AM
You have to be nuts to spend a cent sending your kid to one of these places. I can't think of a worse place to waste your money. The kid would be better off spending the entire amount at a titty bar.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: sammy00 on August 31, 2021, 06:52:47 AM
Dan was a single guy living at home with his
Father and working in the family business. When he found out he was
Going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he
Needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted
The most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his
Breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said
To her, "But in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit
20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card
And three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than Men.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on September 02, 2021, 01:05:52 AM
2 rednecks were talking while drinking beer.
" what do you do when some one breaks into your home at night?"

" I call 811"

" you mean 911?"

No, 811. The people you call before you dig"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on September 07, 2021, 09:10:29 AM
2 rednecks were talking while drinking beer.
" what do you do when someone breaks into your home at night?"

" I call 811"

" you mean 911?"

No, 811. The people you call before you dig"

Never, NEVER cross a man with a backhoe and land.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on September 07, 2021, 10:48:27 AM
Never, NEVER cross a man with a backhoe and land.
I don't have a back hoe, but I do have lots of land that iam actively poring concrete on it.  I do have a 60k # excavator. ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on September 07, 2021, 05:59:23 PM
Long Reach?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on September 07, 2021, 07:34:22 PM
Switched the labels on the spices.  Wife hasn't noticed yet, but thymes a cumin.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on September 08, 2021, 08:48:47 AM
Switched the labels on the spices.  Wife hasn't noticed yet, but thymes a cumin.

NEVER mess with the cook !

You are the only one you're hurting .   ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on September 08, 2021, 11:14:52 AM
Long Reach?
  mid length... it only has the 19'8" boom and 12' stickOnly 35' reach and 25' depth.  The longer one basicly adds 10'.  That and its about 84k option.  Nothing is cheap.

I did see one for sale in decent shape with 6k hours for the budget prices of 130k.  For a 2008 model.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: les snyder on September 08, 2021, 11:35:56 AM
true story... a friend and USPSA shooter owned a large ranch in Highlands County, Fla (near Okeechobee)... while trailering a load of yearling cattle for sale, he was driving down a county road at a relatively slow speed... couple of rednecks shouted and honked as they passed him, and were waiting at the next stop sign ... threatened to kick his ass if he didn't speed up... his reply " Son, I've got 3600 acres and a back hoe"

Michael if you read this... it was Ronnie E
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on September 08, 2021, 03:07:46 PM
Nice one Les.

Dang expensive....
  mid length... it only has the 19'8" boom and 12' stickOnly 35' reach and 25' depth.  The longer one basicly adds 10'.  That and its about 84k option.  Nothing is cheap.

I did see one for sale in decent shape with 6k hours for the budget prices of 130k.  For a 2008 model.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on October 19, 2021, 05:19:29 PM
When internet searches go wrong. Really, really wrong.

'The Quigley scale is a descriptive, visual system of phenotypic grading that uses seven classes between "fully masculinized" and "fully feminized" genitalia.'

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quigley_scale

This adds a whole new meaning to Quigley Down Under.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on October 19, 2021, 10:00:11 PM
(https://i.ibb.co/6R0fL5Z/20211019-195718.jpg) (https://ibb.co/gMZBhC7)

Sticker on the gas pump....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 20, 2021, 08:05:03 AM
(https://i.ibb.co/6R0fL5Z/20211019-195718.jpg) (https://ibb.co/gMZBhC7)

Sticker on the gas pump....


With Bumbling Joe it's probably a question, not a brag.    ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on October 20, 2021, 09:48:20 AM
I should also mention it was $185.27 to fill my truck up...  2 tanks
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on October 20, 2021, 10:03:46 AM
(https://i.ibb.co/6R0fL5Z/20211019-195718.jpg) (https://ibb.co/gMZBhC7)

Sticker on the gas pump....

I am waiting for some of those stickers to arrive from Amazon. I will be placing them on the pumps arround here shortly.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 20, 2021, 12:30:34 PM
Could put it on a shit filled diaper as well.
I still think it should be a question mark.   ;D

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on October 21, 2021, 03:46:31 PM
A plane in the middle of the Atlantic is cruising  at 30k feet when all of a sudden  there is a big bang, a few mins go by and the captain  gets on the intercom and says " we just lost 99% of our fuel, we have about 5 mins left before we crash"   while people are crying and praying, a women jumps up tears off all her clothes and says" if I am going to die, I want to die feeling like a women, is there any man here manly enough to do that?"  A older gentleman  in a suit, stands up and walk towards her.  He takes off is sport coat and gently  lays it on seat, followed by his tie.  He then takes his shirt off, hands it too the women and says" here, iron this"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on October 21, 2021, 04:39:10 PM
You're going to hell for that one.   ;D   ;D
I'll bring hot dogs.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on November 11, 2021, 01:29:44 PM
Has to be a joke...

I went into the local tool store.

Found a older gentleman  behind a counter and asked for a "canvis nail bag, steel hoop,leather bottom and a clip"   he had no clue what I was talking about.

How much more specific  do I have to be?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on November 11, 2021, 02:06:36 PM
Has to be a joke...

I went into the local tool store.

Found a older gentleman  behind a counter and asked for a "canvis nail bag, steel hoop,leather bottom and a clip"   he had no clue what I was talking about.

How much more specific  do I have to be?

Those are the ones who voted.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on November 26, 2021, 01:52:32 PM
Has to be a joke....


Just had some one looking at the houses if we had a black Friday sale.

Only the second person to not buy a house so far...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on November 26, 2021, 03:55:22 PM
Has to be a joke....


Just had some one looking at the houses if we had a black Friday sale.

Only the second person to not buy a house so far...

See why they have instructions on shampoo ?    ;D   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on November 27, 2021, 03:55:15 PM
See why they have instructions on shampoo ?    ;D   ;D

Do you remember the lady that used gorilla glue spray adhesive  on her hair?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on November 27, 2021, 09:21:56 PM
Do you remember the lady that used gorilla glue spray adhesive  on her hair?


 :o   WTF  !
I use "normal" hairspray as an adhesive on my print table.   ;D   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on November 28, 2021, 11:34:00 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/D3tlwyp.jpg?1)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on December 01, 2021, 04:06:05 AM
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between
yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware
lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you,
just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not
mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and
don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why,
what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing
on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and
get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30
seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere,
makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 01, 2021, 08:32:18 AM
I OWN #6   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on December 01, 2021, 01:37:40 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/uqJm3Ic.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on December 01, 2021, 01:43:50 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/AtYelWw.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on December 08, 2021, 11:31:05 PM
A man walks into a doctor's office and asks the doctor to inspect his leg. The man says, "Here, put your ear to my knee." The doctor puts his ear to the man's knee and hears very faintly, "Come on, can I have five bucks, just five bucks?"
The doctor steps back in horror, and the man says, "I know, but it gets worse. Put your ear to my shin." The doctor puts his ear to the man's shin and hears very faintly, "Come on, can I have ten bucks, just ten bucks?"
Once again, the doctor stands up, very perplexed. The man then says, "If that surprises you, put your ear to my ankle." The doctor puts his ear to the man's ankle and hears oh so faintly, "Come on, can I have twenty bucks, just twenty bucks?"
The doctor then stands up and says, "Well, I can make just one conclusion. Your leg is broke in three places."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on December 09, 2021, 09:43:31 AM
Your leg is broke in three places."

GROOOOAAAANNNN!!!!!!
BOOOOOOO!!!!
I think that is what would be called a "Dad" joke these days.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on December 09, 2021, 09:51:42 AM
GROOOOAAAANNNN!!!!!!
BOOOOOOO!!!!
I think that is what would be called a "Dad" joke these days.

Yeah but it is a great setup joke.  I told it to my wife this morning. 

Guess what when she asks for money....I'm gonna lean over and cup my hand over my ear towards my leg and say, "Huh, What did you say?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 09, 2021, 03:37:03 PM
Yeah but it is a great setup joke.  I told it to my wife this morning. 

Guess what when she asks for money....I'm gonna lean over and cup my hand over my ear towards my leg and say, "Huh, What did you say?"


Rastus runs his house.

Rastus runs the washer, and the vacuum, etc.    ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ranger Dave on December 09, 2021, 05:46:03 PM
Pregnant lady goes in for a ultrasound on her baby.
Doctor asks if she wants to know the sex of the baby.
Lady says yes please.
Doctor says the baby has a knee issue; a left knee, a right knee and a weenie.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on December 11, 2021, 02:04:41 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/Eo3P5g7.jpg?1)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on December 11, 2021, 02:06:52 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/6biiQsh.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on December 11, 2021, 02:52:16 PM
“Successfully reframing the climate debate in the United States from one based on environmental values to one based on health values…holds great promise to help American society better understand and appreciate the risks of climate change.” ~ George Mason


Only problem is George Mason died in 1797   ::)


I caught on long ago and didn't need a FB meme.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 15, 2021, 01:31:22 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on December 15, 2021, 02:43:27 PM
Santa has to be a liberal Democrat.

He works 1 day a year and judges you the other 364.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on December 15, 2021, 03:25:46 PM
Santa has to be a liberal Democrat.

He works 1 day a year and judges you the other 364.

And lets all the kids believe it is free while we pay for it!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on December 25, 2021, 07:11:30 PM
(https://www.yellowbullet.com/cdn-cgi/image/format=auto,onerror=redirect,width=1920,height=1920,fit=scale-down/https://www.yellowbullet.com/attachments/1640350690_6060f318-d802-49ce-8b90-f8824292c8b0_mmthumb-jpeg.307308/)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 06, 2022, 08:35:37 AM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on January 20, 2022, 06:29:18 PM
(https://i.ibb.co/N333Bxx/tumblr-1ac63e88f4b4cb3aa11891280cd932c6-2152b1e4-640.png) (https://ibb.co/JdddJnn)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on January 21, 2022, 07:48:52 AM
8)


I'm compensating for a big mouth, not a little dick.    ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 27, 2022, 01:36:51 AM

Two of my dad's brothers lived on the family farm their entire lives.

Uncle L____ raised chickens.

Uncle K____ lowered them.

He just wasn't right after the war.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on May 02, 2022, 09:11:58 PM
South Park made 2 Post Covid TV movies for the Paramount+ streaming service. There's South Park: Post Covid and South Park: Post Covid: The Return of Covid. I didn't see either one yet but saw pictures from them at IMDb.com. There was a picture of the whole town quarantined that got me started thinking about Escape from New York, so I copied the picture and started tinkering with it. I cut a logo from a picture of one of the versions of Escape from New York advertised online (DVD?), rotated it a degree or two by tenths, re-cropped and resized it, plastered it on the South Park sign, changed the background color, a pixel at a time when needed, to a 90% tint of black, et voila. Then I cropped a full height square dead center, and whittled it down bit by bit to a size that would be visible in my avatar du jour.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on May 02, 2022, 10:42:23 PM
If anyone wants to steal that big ol' "Escape from COVID-19" pic go for it. As for me I'm fixing up some MAC and cheese. And before you judge someone remember, you haven't walked a mile in their shoes. Their incredibly stupid looking shoes that should never be seen north of the border, if anywhere at all.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on May 08, 2022, 12:18:21 PM
In honor of mothers day....


What my favorite ward in the hospital?


The maternity ward, you know those women put out.



Yeah,yeah I know, I am never getting out of the corner anyways.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on May 14, 2022, 02:52:36 PM
In honor of mothers day....


What my favorite ward in the hospital?


The maternity ward, you know those women put out.



Yeah,yeah I know, I am never getting out of the corner anyways.

I used to cruise Lamaze classes for single moms.  ;)  Save a seat for me TAB. I'll see you soon.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on May 14, 2022, 08:51:14 PM
Just a friendly reminder that Saturdays are for the #FJB chants. This message was brought to you by #LetsGoBrandon.

I bought 2 FJB Auto Metal Badges from Milspin but haven't put them on the SUV yet. They're heavy-duty die cast metal with 3M All Weather 2-sided adhesive on them. There are many other Yukons on the road but I may soon be driving the only Denali FJB Edition around here. It rained this evening so I should have a relatively clean surface to work with. And with the temperature being in the 80s day after day I don't have to worry about the adhesive not being sticky enough. I just need to try to line them up straight, peel the backing off, and stick them on. I'm planning on the same general location as in these pics but will make my final determination later.

https://milspin.com/collections/novelty/products/fjb-auto-metal-decal
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on May 15, 2022, 11:50:28 AM
BREAKING NEWS

Grocery store clerk drives off robber with labeling gun.

Police on lookout for a man with a price on his head.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on May 16, 2022, 08:30:51 AM
BREAKING NEWS

Grocery store clerk drives off robber with labeling gun.

Police on lookout for a man with a price on his head.

Booooooooo!!!!!

Grownnnnn.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on May 17, 2022, 07:19:36 AM
What's the difference between a wife and a job? After 10 years the job still sucks
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on May 23, 2022, 10:31:19 PM
BREAKING NEWS

Grocery store clerk drives off robber with labeling gun.

Police on lookout for a man with a price on his head.

Groan. ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on July 04, 2022, 07:48:01 AM
This looks about right to me.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on July 04, 2022, 11:05:06 AM
Yeah, old Genocide Joe.  What loser.   

No doubt the election was stolen.  Soros's money bought judges and DA's for a decade before the election so they failed to act on the "irregularities" they say don't exist.

Some people did vote for the idiotic party candidate now attempting to become a dictatorial ruler.  It amazes me how dumb some people are...really, it does.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on July 06, 2022, 07:44:42 AM
Some people did vote for the idiotic party candidate now attempting to become a dictatorial ruler.  It amazes me how dumb some people are...really, it does.

I have quit saying that in public as they seem to consider it a challenge. I thought we had reached the height of stupidity during O'bummers reign only to be proved wrong many times since.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on July 06, 2022, 07:52:52 AM
I have quit saying that in public as they seem to consider it a challenge. I thought we had reached the height of stupidity during O'bummers reign only to be proved wrong many times since.

Oh, go ahead and say it anyway.  Whenever they let you know they are offended laugh in their face.  Ridicule is a very powerful weapon.  They may not respond to ridicule at the time...but it builds up over time.  Turning to another person near and saying something like, "Can you believe this dummy?" with a laugh, will further reinforce the ridicule. 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 03, 2022, 07:24:41 AM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on September 11, 2022, 01:48:36 PM
From a Milspin Instagram video I saw today.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on September 11, 2022, 09:19:00 PM
A boy walking down the shoulder of a country road saw a heavy-set woman riding her bicycle toward him.  As she passed, he yelled out "COW".  The woman quickly spun around and flipped him off ... just before she hit the cow broadside.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 19, 2022, 06:28:06 PM
 :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on September 22, 2022, 12:34:02 PM
It looks like the main stage is lit up and people are ready to party, Peg. :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on September 22, 2022, 12:42:43 PM
I have to post one before I go.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 22, 2022, 01:29:11 PM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 20, 2022, 02:47:17 PM
I have a message for the ATF, or AFT, Absolute F***ing Terrorists.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 20, 2022, 02:51:58 PM
Time for a new haircut but I'm still undecided.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on December 20, 2022, 07:28:59 PM
Does a lisp come with the haircut?
 :D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 21, 2022, 02:06:24 AM
Does a lisp come with the haircut?
 :D

I don't know if he's that kind of fruit or not.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 24, 2022, 02:03:17 AM
T.G.I.F,night


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 02, 2023, 12:33:50 PM
If nothing in here makes you laugh, check your pulse. You may not have one.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oM7q5L42epI
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 03, 2023, 02:18:43 AM
Beer Nuts are 10 bucks a can now!

But Deer Nuts are cheap!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 12, 2023, 10:26:04 AM
Jay Leno used to show funny headlines on TV but I never saw any like this. Yesterday I came across an online article about a gay porn star. I wasn't interested and was about to close the page when it told me, wait, before you go, take a look at these other stories in the news. The first article was like the set-up to a joke, and the "related news" in the second article is the punchline. I couldn't believe it was on the same page. I'm not playing games here, people. C******e has a (w)hole other meaning.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on January 12, 2023, 10:51:19 AM
Which celebrity is always ready to eat cereal?




Reese With-a-spoon
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 12, 2023, 11:17:15 AM
Boo!

Why are homos always ready for vacation? They already have their s**t packed. :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 29, 2023, 02:02:24 AM
I saw this meme online and thought I'd make one of my own. Whattaya think? not a very convincing recruiter, is he?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on January 29, 2023, 02:11:22 AM
Putin is really learning his lesson the hard way.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 30, 2023, 06:36:17 AM
Putin is really learning his lesson the hard way.

Having a nuclear arsenal doesn't automatically make you the winner of every conflict. Even if you're ready to nuke everyone, because some countries nuke back. Or they have friends to do it for them. ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 30, 2023, 06:38:25 AM
Don't you just hate it when your hair gets in your face? I sure do.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on January 30, 2023, 06:48:38 AM
Bought some shoes from my local drug dealer.   Don't know what they're laced with but I've been tripping all day.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 02, 2023, 03:19:16 AM
Bought some shoes from my local drug dealer.   Don't know what they're laced with but I've been tripping all day.

 ;D Good one, Alf.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 08, 2023, 12:59:23 PM
 :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 08, 2023, 01:37:04 PM
 ???
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on February 08, 2023, 02:02:08 PM
???

Too close to the truth!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 12, 2023, 05:26:08 PM
Too close to the truth!

Yep.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on February 12, 2023, 07:51:29 PM
My older son, divorced, has a blind date with a vegan and he’s a little apprehensive.  He’s never dated a herbivore.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 13, 2023, 07:59:11 PM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 21, 2023, 01:27:11 AM
My friend, Sarge found a Facebook page, I was in Illesheim, where we were stationed. He sent me some pictures from 1983 and I fixed them to make them more historically accurate. First the original 2 pics, then the new ones. And why you don't mess with the polizei (police in Germany).
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 21, 2023, 01:41:38 AM
I'm sure there's a joke hidden somewhere in this Facebook image from Illesheim Army Airfield, Germany.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 21, 2023, 01:45:45 AM
I stand behind Alec Baldwin 100%!
I can't think of a safer direction to stand in. 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 21, 2023, 10:52:23 AM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 22, 2023, 03:14:01 AM
I just stole that.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 22, 2023, 03:18:10 AM
more
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 22, 2023, 03:20:26 AM
summore
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 22, 2023, 03:25:02 AM
even more
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 22, 2023, 03:28:47 AM
and more
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 22, 2023, 03:34:09 AM
and even more
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on February 24, 2023, 08:11:31 AM
I told my wife I thought it would be okay if I was cremated.

She said, "Good, I've made you an appointment for Tuesday."

Crusader Rabbit
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 25, 2023, 12:42:30 PM
 :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 26, 2023, 03:00:41 AM
:o

 :o +1
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 27, 2023, 09:40:22 PM
Concerning my "escapades" as they've been called, while I was in Germany...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 28, 2023, 03:30:25 AM
Real article edited for briefness. Or boxerness. Headline shortened for gits and shiggles. And even if you're not an old git, or a Shiggle.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 03, 2023, 02:30:54 PM
Speaking of shooting in the back door........I guess the bra is for padded balance when sitting...
 :o :o :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 03, 2023, 02:34:11 PM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 07, 2023, 01:32:03 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 07, 2023, 01:32:37 AM
 :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 07, 2023, 01:34:37 AM
;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 09, 2023, 07:01:49 PM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 10, 2023, 05:51:46 AM
I've had to restore both of my computers so often that I end up missing a lot of the programs I previously installed. Until I re-download my favorite screensavers, I'm using Windows 3D Text on my desktop. It was hard to get a picture with it spinning around, and when I tried to clean up the image it still looked like crap. But I think you can see how I feel about these computers that are in constant need of repair and maintenance. Maybe it's because they're both Dell computers, but so far they haven't blown up like my Gateway did.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 10, 2023, 06:41:23 AM
Some of these have been on my computer or in the cloud for awhile, like since Trump was President. The current state of politics in the U.S. is a joke, so I'll post the political stuff here too.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 10, 2023, 06:46:29 AM
more stuff
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 10, 2023, 07:08:02 AM
some mo'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 10, 2023, 07:12:05 AM
again
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 10, 2023, 07:23:45 AM
enough for now
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on March 10, 2023, 07:37:50 AM
Now you KNOW some of us are going to have to steel some of those! ;^)
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on March 10, 2023, 02:47:04 PM
Now you KNOW some of us are going to have to steel some of those! ;^)
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
some?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on March 10, 2023, 04:42:42 PM
Now you KNOW some of us are going to have to steel some of those! ;^)
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

I’m going to manganese it myself.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 10, 2023, 07:51:41 PM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on March 11, 2023, 04:41:53 PM
True story.  In ATL we had a local hamburger chain named Zestos.  Long gone now.  When Col Sanders came to town you could always find his limo outside the downtown store at lunch.  He didn't care who knew. 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on March 13, 2023, 09:58:22 AM
Col Sanders
Unlike his public personality, he was a REAL A$$H0L3.

He would frequently cuss out people in his corporate headquarters and at his restaurants. (Franchise owners)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 15, 2023, 03:44:57 PM
 :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 17, 2023, 04:38:11 AM
Now you KNOW some of us are going to have to steel some of those! ;^)
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

That's what they're there for, brother.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 17, 2023, 04:44:53 AM
some?

LOL!!! Actually that should be LLAMOA, Laughing Like A Maniac On Alcohol! ;D WooHoo! It's party time now that I got rid of my headache.  8) It quit hurting afrer the second drink and I thought that was a good time to quit. So I'm going to mix my 5th pint of rum and Coke now.  ;) :) ;D Pfft! Ha ha ha!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 18, 2023, 03:36:18 PM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 22, 2023, 02:20:46 AM
Bear with me if I re-post some of the same ol' stuff by mistaket. It's hard to keep track of when you have thousands of pictures. I think I posted the first one before but re-edited it.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 22, 2023, 02:27:08 AM
Sponge Bob Temple in the capitol of N. Korea is real. I found it on Google Maps a couple of months ago. And you never know what will show up on some people's Instagram, Facebook, etc.

P.S. Paracetamol is what they call acetaminophen in most countries other than the U.S. and Canada.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 22, 2023, 02:35:14 AM
If you need a zombie poster to hang on the wall, maybe I can help.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 22, 2023, 03:00:05 AM
Apparently some people don't like getting rolls of Charms hard candies in their MREs. You don't really know what unlucky is until you get stuck with a C-ration chocolate nut roll for dessert. The 3.5 ounce "treat" is legendary for its ability soak to up the entire contents of a 5 gallon water can. So, if you're stuck in a desert environment and have hard candy to suck on, instead of an industrial-strength desiccant to eat, I consider you to to be VERY lucky. Chocolate nut rolls are so dry you could eat sand with one to ease the dryness in your mouth. I like Charms and will take them any day.

Holy Cow! I found a picture from several years ago that I don't know if I ever posted.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 22, 2023, 03:30:23 AM
One more time people, with feeling!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 22, 2023, 05:00:37 PM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 24, 2023, 04:58:52 AM
A strange bumper sticker.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 24, 2023, 05:13:40 AM
At vudu.com you don't get a typical error code 404 page telling you a page you were looking for doesn't exist. There are several different ones in case you make a lot of mistakes. This is one I got last year.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 24, 2023, 05:22:50 AM
I think I posted some of these but didn't delete them yet.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 24, 2023, 05:28:25 AM
Same here. In regards to the fifth picture, -40 C = -40 F. That's why I named the picture Exaggerate much?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 24, 2023, 05:44:01 AM
What do you get when you cross Obama with Palin? OPal!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 24, 2023, 06:07:36 AM
Extra-large dunny roll/bog paper for Taco Bell day. I think I posted that one already.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 24, 2023, 06:10:27 AM
Pista pasta?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 24, 2023, 06:18:20 AM
Fourth pic. Ziheche. Dried human placenta (Ziheche (紫河车) is used in traditional Chinese medicine. WTF?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 24, 2023, 06:39:31 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 27, 2023, 11:23:50 AM
 :o :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 03, 2023, 05:59:52 PM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on April 04, 2023, 08:30:23 AM
8)

Someone is going to have one hell of a burn mark!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on April 04, 2023, 10:08:47 AM
Someone is going to have one hell of a burn mark!

Not to mention a big skid mark!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on April 04, 2023, 11:32:03 AM
Not to mention a big skid mark!


 :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 04, 2023, 09:05:47 PM
For the first time this year I had over 100 fuel points in a month to use at Kroger, 300+ that expired last Friday. So I got gas last Thursday. I got 30 cents off per gallon for my points + another 25 cents per gallon off because I used my Kroger credit card that I previously charged a lot of other stuff too. I filled a few gas cans and topped off my gas hog with Premium for 3.949/gallon instead of $4.499. My Fuel savings was $13.51.

It was worse 5 months earlier when I filled up because I was a lot lower on gas. It was $4.999/gallon for Mid-Grade and I only got 3 cents off per gallon. I think I had a bunch of fuel points, otherwise I wouldn't have bought so much gas at once, and got screwed out of my discount.

Remember when they had to use masking tape and magic markers, etc. to add a number 1 to the gas pumps when the price went up to $1.00 a gallon, because the gas pumps didn't have a third fourth digit on them? They maxed out at $.999/gallon! Now they're all set up to go up to $99.999/gallon or $999.999/gallon.

I like to think the person who came up with that 9/10 cent bullshit has a special place in hell. An extra warm and toasty spot by the hearth if you get my drift.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 05, 2023, 06:37:04 AM
8)

That reminds me of this "rifle butt" picture. That's one way to gain some elevation.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 12, 2023, 06:12:03 AM
If a woman ever says to a man, "No strings attached", its a safe bet there are many strings attached. Enough to weave a tapestry. Maybe enough for a blanket to smother you. If this is ever in a book of famous quotes, remember, you read it here first. ;) ;D

I'm almost certain I posted this pic before, but wanted to be sure I post it before I delete it. As our British friends might say, I can't be arsed to see I already posted it or not.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on April 14, 2023, 08:38:50 AM
(https://www.archerytalk.com/cdn-cgi/image/format=auto,onerror=redirect,width=1920,height=1920,fit=scale-down/https://www.archerytalk.com/attachments/340988879_175129278736052_7960789072501232694_n-jpg.7844929/)


the truth is both funny and painful.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 14, 2023, 10:41:14 PM
My best friend's oldest son is getting married next month. I don't know why. Only 1 out of 8 couples in his his age group gets married anymore. Everyone knows I don't dance, but since it's a rare and special occasion, I thought I would surprise everyone at the reception with my hot dance moves. I've been taking lessons 3 days a week for over a month so far. But all my lessons are worthless if they don't have a stripper pole at the reception.

^ 72% TRUE.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 15, 2023, 06:35:55 PM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 18, 2023, 04:35:02 AM
You can't possibly improve on perfection, even though Glock made generation after generation of pistols for some reason.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on April 20, 2023, 12:36:16 PM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 22, 2023, 11:15:49 PM
There just aren't enough memes on the internet, so I made one of my own today. I hope you like it. Feel free to spread it around.

P.S. I decided the white bar at the top was too big.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on April 23, 2023, 08:43:38 AM
8)

I honestly  don't understand that.  Trucks are designed to haul stuff and make you money.   Why take destroy  the functionality of the vehicle?

Then again I don't get people that buy a truck to never put anything into the bed. 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on April 23, 2023, 09:30:44 AM
Then again I don't get people that buy a truck to never put anything into the bed.

Probably going to get a pickup this year and Miss Kitty keeps ogling the full sized crew cabs.  I point out that most of them have 5.5', or even smaller beds and ask what use is that?   I want a pick'em-up-truck to, uh, well, pick things up.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on April 23, 2023, 03:36:25 PM
Probably going to get a pickup this year and Miss Kitty keeps ogling the full sized crew cabs.  I point out that most of them have 5.5', or even smaller beds and ask what use is that?   I want a pick'em-up-truck to, uh, well, pick things up.

In 2020 I got a Nissan Frontier 4x4 with the long bed and little jump seats in the back of the cab.  This is my second Frontier and has actual doors that allow easier access to the back jump seats.  The back seats wouldn't be comfortable for long distances, but they help to discourage people from asking for a ride.  They still provide enough room for two extra people if you just can't get out of ride alongs.

My only problem with my first Frontier was that it was a little weak.  The new one has 310 HP and a 9-speed trans.  It runs out like a sports car.  And it tows well.  Over this last weekend I helped a friend move with the largest U-Haul trailer filled to the max, and some overflow stuff in the bed.  It towed up and down Western North Carolina's Stecoah Gap with ease.  The trans and HP combination is fairly powerful and the cab is quiet and comfortable.  They did a body style upgrade this past year, so the cab interior looks quite modern.  But it's still a pickup truck.

If Miss Kitty is set on a crew cap luxury Detroit unit, this would be a come down.  But if you want a usable truck at a decent price, the Frontier is a perfectly acceptable substitute.

FWIW
Crusader Rabbit
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 28, 2023, 11:12:42 AM
I had two pickup trucks. Both were Chevy Silverado 4x4s made in Michigan, regular cabs, with 8' beds you could haul building materials or off-road vehicles in and shut the tailgates so nothing falls out. I had fiberglass truck caps on both so I could lock everything up inside them too. You can't do that with the tailgate wide open, with wood and drywall and stuff hanging out the back. Anything less than 8' just isn't a real truck to me. If you're going to buy a truck that can't haul anything you may as well buy an SUV. The last time I checked, and it's been awhile, the inside of a Tahoe SUV up to the back of the front seats was an inch longer than the inside of a short bed Silverado pickup. If you don't need to haul anything taller than will fit inside an SUV you don't need a truck at all. And if I need to haul anything that won't fit in the back of my Yukon, I can use the 5'x8' tilt-bed utility trailer I haul my ATV on. I threw a tarp on it and hauled a load of compost bundled up like a loaded diaper once, It worked even better than a truck because I didn't have to shovel it half as far up. I now return you to your regularly scheduled thread. ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 28, 2023, 11:14:41 AM
Here we go.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 28, 2023, 11:16:10 AM
And the rest.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 30, 2023, 02:20:55 AM
I saw some Star Trek memes a couple days ago.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 30, 2023, 02:24:40 AM
me me me memes
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 30, 2023, 02:28:10 AM
more
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 30, 2023, 02:31:10 AM
moor
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 30, 2023, 02:36:55 AM
moar
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 30, 2023, 02:39:56 AM
Moore
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 30, 2023, 02:45:00 AM
My younger brother rides a Harley. He call it a hog for some reason. I'm a few years late to the party with the second pic.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 30, 2023, 02:55:33 AM
The Washington Post is a joke - How the AR-15 became a powerful political cultural symbol in America. They kind of missed the point.

Nice gun in the AR-15 Fear Process article though.

I didn't know it until this year but Milspin had a Columbus Day Commemorative 20oz Engraved Tumbler last year. These guys continue to be politically incorrect and I like it. I like it a lot.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 30, 2023, 03:04:08 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ImJpqutxOmg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TN7Lv0PR4Q8
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 30, 2023, 03:12:01 AM
Bug-A-Salt had an April Fools email at the end of March. Here it is.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 30, 2023, 03:46:08 AM
I'm sure I've mentioned my idiot brother a number of times before. Neither one is the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, but my older brother is worse by far. He had the 1987 Joe Satriani album Surfing with the Alien. Even if you don't know who the Marvel Comics character the Silver Surfer is, it should be obvious by looking at the front of the album cover, it's a guy on a surfboard. A silver alien guy on a surfboard, flying through... somewhere. This was 5 years after CDs first came out, and not being an early adopter, I believe my brother was looking at the full square foot LP cover when he thought it was a caterpillar. :o :o :o ??? ??? :(

My brother used to smoke a lot of pot, and he's an idiot. He was an idiot before, and I think he quit smoking pot, but he's still an idiot. A lot of people who want to legalize pot, or all drugs, say that they only affect the person using them. But when you're that incredibly stupid, it affects everyone around you. That's why you should listen to Mr. Mackey. Drugs Are Bad M'Kay? Don't do drugs.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 30, 2023, 03:51:46 AM
Speaking of drugs... When I opened up my last bottle of Bacardi the aroma wafted out of the bottle and it smelled delicious. That got me thinking. Uh-oh! So I made a meme. I love the smell of dark rum in the morning. If anyone wants to complete it; It smells like...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 30, 2023, 03:54:37 AM
The last pic - historic organ restoration. Look over his shoulder at the historic "organ".
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 30, 2023, 04:08:36 AM
again
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on April 30, 2023, 04:14:21 AM
and again
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on May 06, 2023, 07:24:50 PM
Joe Biden, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check. Finally Biden gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Biden got to call the USA free. The devil replied, "Since Biden became president of the USA , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on May 07, 2023, 12:41:08 AM
memes
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on May 07, 2023, 12:52:21 AM
I thought it was funny there was a picture of Windows Version 1.01 online the perfect size to use as a desktop background. I need to delete some of these so I don't repost them again.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on May 07, 2023, 04:41:20 PM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on May 11, 2023, 04:02:04 AM
A Fish Tale.

One day at sea, two sailors caught two mermaids in their net. The first sailor fell madly in love with one of the mermaids, but he couldn't make love to her. For her, sex meant spreading her eggs on the bottom of the sea. Eventually, the first sailor became very sad. The second mermaid had the top half of a fish and the bottom half of a woman. The second sailor lived very happily ever after.

The end.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on May 11, 2023, 04:03:14 AM
8)

I like it when I see chicks bend over too, but not that kind of chick.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on May 11, 2023, 04:43:21 AM
I thought I posted this already but looked back several pages real quick and didn't see it. When I don't delete pics right away I can't keep track of whether I posted them or not.

Fish on!

Not much meat on this one. 

It doesn't look k healthy anyway.  You can tell by the eyes.

Better throw it back. 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on May 11, 2023, 07:10:51 PM
I like it when I see chicks bend over too, but not that kind of chick.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on May 12, 2023, 04:04:26 AM


I'm not sure if the rainbow shot out of her butt, or it's like a Skittles commercial - CATCH THE RAINBOW!  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on May 12, 2023, 03:02:28 PM
She caught the rainbow, now what?

Oh. I see.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on May 14, 2023, 06:35:45 PM
Crank it up and LOL.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7my5baoCVv8
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on May 18, 2023, 03:25:01 PM
 :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on May 22, 2023, 08:04:26 PM
At the wedding reception Saturday, one of the songs they played was We Are Family by Sister Sledge, and I heard, "Just let me staple the Vicar" or something that sounded similar to staple. I have no idea what the lyrics are supposed to be, but that's what I heard so I'm looking it up now.

P.S. Karaoke is a Japanese word meaning: You look like a dumbass.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on May 22, 2023, 08:25:07 PM
Watch the video before you read the lyrics, and post what you hear.

It sounds like, Just let me staple the Vicar when I watch this video, but not when I watch a video with the lyrics and I read along.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMVe_HcyP9Y

Just let me state for the record
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on May 24, 2023, 03:40:46 PM
 :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on June 01, 2023, 05:05:46 AM
I use to call my ex Old Yeller. She was older than me and yelled all the time. She was also blonde and a real b***h, so it seemed even more appropriate.

I got a text from UPS yesterday saying I was getting a package today from Miss Moneypenny. They actually gave her first name, but I instantly thought of Miss Moneypenny, the fictional character in the James Bond novels and films. I thought it was a spam text and almost deleted it, but looked up her name, and she's a real person in Ohio. So, I'm getting a package today from Miss Moneypenny, who I had no idea would be the person sending my stuff from Irreverent Warriors. I ordered a T-shirt in time for the Silkies Hike in Detroit on the 10th. It sounds fun, so I'll put on my best Ranger Panties, Ruck Around And Find Out!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on June 09, 2023, 03:47:33 AM
One day at school I lost my thesaurus. I couldn't find the words to describe how upset I was. ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on June 09, 2023, 04:05:38 AM
As a family we couldn't decide whether to have my mom buried or cremated. So in the end we let her live.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on June 11, 2023, 02:43:41 PM
Animal intestines have been used to prevent pregnancy since the tenth-century in Persia. But, the Ancient Romans were the first to suggest removing the intestines from the animals.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on June 19, 2023, 03:08:29 AM
In honor of Pride Month. These people have a whole month to feel proud of themselves before life returns to normal.

And if anyone is displeased about it, I'm always ready with a suggestion about what they can do. ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on June 20, 2023, 10:24:56 PM
After I posted that last night I got a free movie from xfinity Rewards to celebrate Pride Month. I didn't actually get my free movie until today, but it was Rocketman. I don't like Elton John or his music, but I liked Taron Egerton well enough in the Kingsman movies. I thought Colin Firth was a better actor, and Samuel Jackson, WTF? I don't know what to say about him. Anyway, a free movie is still free entertainment and I'll take it.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on June 30, 2023, 09:27:13 AM
I went down to the paint store to get thinner.

It didn't work.

Crusader Rabbit
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on June 30, 2023, 12:53:27 PM
My wife walked into the bathroom and saw me standing on the scales with my gut sucked in.
She said it doesn't work like that.
I said it does if you want to be able to see the numbers.......
  :-\   :'(   :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on July 21, 2023, 08:47:02 PM
Here's a text message I got from Xfinity this morning or yesterday morning, one of several times I tried repairing, restoring, and restarting my laptop. After a week and a half I guess, I almost have it working right. Almost. I finally got all the drivers from Dell re-installed again, and this time it looks like they registered, but SupportAssist is still messed up. If nothing else goes wrong I should have everything set how I want it this weekend. I've had a lot of trouble with this laptop ever since I bought it. I used to call it MySlowLaptop because it was so slow. It always started with 100% disk use and 100% CPU use. But I renamed it after I reinstalled Windows 11 from an .iso file on DVD, then reset it to Windows 10 because it was still screwed up, and then upgraded it back to Windows 11 again.

The 1 to the 4th icon is Cloudflare. Their free DNS is 1.1.1.1 and they don't collect your information Google and other DNSs do. I used to use OpenDNS, but switched to Cloudflare.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on July 21, 2023, 08:50:37 PM
Picture Rod Serling. His voice and his pacing. You're about to enter, The Twilight Zone.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 07, 2023, 06:21:29 PM
 8)

Wonder if it's a gunite pool??
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on August 07, 2023, 09:49:04 PM
People were lined up in July to see some movie.

I called it a Summer Barbie Queue.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 13, 2023, 07:40:42 PM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on August 16, 2023, 07:27:46 PM
Just when you thought it was safe to go back in...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on August 16, 2023, 07:30:24 PM
You can't go around cutting off man buns. Just tell these guys they look like a douche and punch them in the face.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on August 16, 2023, 07:32:46 PM
F.O.R.D.
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road Dead
F***ing Old Rebuilt Dodge
Some have more miles vertically than horizontally. ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 19, 2023, 12:03:33 PM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 25, 2023, 04:12:13 PM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on August 27, 2023, 10:39:23 AM


Miss Kitty asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl.

I said, "No, but I've seen her catch Frisbee's."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 27, 2023, 06:33:13 PM
 :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on August 27, 2023, 06:43:29 PM
Shouldn’t it say,”Beware of children”?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 28, 2023, 07:00:48 AM
Shouldn’t it say,”Beware of children”?

Them Corn Kids might be why they were driving so fast..... :o  :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on September 09, 2023, 08:47:01 PM
My doctor sent me to an acupuncturist yesterday for chronic pain. It was a long session that didn't seem to do anything at all. But when I got home, I found out my voodoo doll was dead! :o 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on October 06, 2023, 08:04:32 PM
Did you hear about the Viagra shipment that was stolen? The police don't have much to go on, but they're looking for hardened criminals.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on October 06, 2023, 08:14:57 PM
I went to the library to check out a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said, "F*** off. You won't bring it back."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on October 06, 2023, 08:18:11 PM
What does the sign on an out of business brothel say? Beat it. We're closed.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on October 06, 2023, 08:44:32 PM
Why don't blind people skydive? It scares the s*** out of their dogs.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 07, 2023, 11:16:21 AM
 :o 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on October 18, 2023, 12:06:06 AM
Full Metal Hope, Full Metal Strikes Back, Full Metal Jedi, and Full Metal Rogue. :D

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ajXBF5UOM4g&list=PL6XgKfqn4K85jVgpC2d-5o_oe3gpJcpr

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vAEK2yMBtUU&list=PL6XgKfqn4K85jVgpC2d-5o_oe3gpJcpr

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WW-BDCLVCAw&list=PL6XgKfqn4K85jVgpC2d-5o_oe3gpJcpr

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1IpHOnMrEk&list=PL6XgKfqn4K85jVgpC2d-5o_oe3gpJcpr

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=33qai5w7poE&list=PL6XgKfqn4K85jVgpC2d-5o_oe3gpJcpr

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-pEY1q363Q&list=PL6XgKfqn4K85jVgpC2d-5o_oe3gpJcpr
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on October 18, 2023, 08:11:37 PM
Things that make make you say WHAT???

It sounds like a bad joke, but this is an actual product for sale from Etsy last night. I was looking at a page called Why I'm Always Broke or something like that. It had supercars, ATVs and all kinds of things I could see spending money on if the price didn't matter. Then there was this. It comes with recipes and packets of taco sauce.  ??? ??? ???
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on October 18, 2023, 08:13:19 PM
"I'm sorry, but I'm just not in a position to use that product."

- Frank
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on October 18, 2023, 10:35:50 PM
Sign at Flint Crepe Co.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on October 19, 2023, 08:35:44 AM
"I'm sorry, but I'm just not in a position to use that product."

- Frank


I'm not sure anyone could be unless they are a contortionist.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on October 19, 2023, 09:25:22 AM
Why are Ferris Wheels made of steel?

‘Cause otherwise they’d be non-Ferris Wheels.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 19, 2023, 11:14:22 AM
Why are Ferris Wheels made of steel?

‘Cause otherwise they’d be non-Ferris Wheels.

LOL

I heard that the inventor of the Ferris Wheel and the inventor of the Merry-Go-Round both lived in the same era....but never met because they traveled in different circles......  8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on October 19, 2023, 11:48:40 AM
Why are Ferris Wheels made of steel?

‘Cause otherwise, they’d be non-Ferris Wheels.

That is definitely a DAD joke!!!!

 :o :o :o :o :o :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on October 21, 2023, 03:24:31 PM
What do you cl 262 Dummycraps swinging from the ends of ropes in Washington, D.C.?

A good start.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on October 21, 2023, 04:20:19 PM
 :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 09, 2023, 12:38:43 PM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on November 09, 2023, 02:01:06 PM
 :o :o :o :o :o  BUMPER BULLETS!!! ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 09, 2023, 06:07:03 PM
 :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 10, 2023, 01:49:54 AM
8)

 8)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4OBebhaUmg
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 10, 2023, 02:05:05 AM
I was in line at the county fair for the "I Guess Your Weight"stall.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8L7DxnwkiVs


Eventually, I got to the front. The guy looked at me and said, "Well, I'd say that was about 20 minutes."  :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 10, 2023, 01:16:10 PM
 :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 13, 2023, 10:05:22 PM
Oh, no! Believe it or not, flying squirrels fluoresce under a blacklight. They glow pink like a neon sign, among other colors. No joke.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 14, 2023, 01:09:35 PM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on November 14, 2023, 01:12:15 PM
8)


That is a LOT of VERY LARGE VAMPIRES to kill!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 14, 2023, 01:16:37 PM

That is a LOT of VERY LARGE VAMPIRES to kill!

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 18, 2023, 02:36:23 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 19, 2023, 12:24:21 AM
Real-life people who feared vampires tried to prevent bodies from rising from the grave by staking them to the ground. The stake would enter the dirt, just like when you pound in stakes for a tent when camping. That's what stakes are for -- they aren't weapons, they're pieces of wood that go into the ground. Stakes through the heart weren't used to kill vampires, or they were just one of many methods used, according to myths. But in real life, people were staked to the ground to keep them in their graves.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 19, 2023, 06:47:51 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on November 19, 2023, 07:11:43 PM
That looks a lot like me at that age.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on November 20, 2023, 07:34:57 AM
That's bragging....

 ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 20, 2023, 08:56:24 PM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 20, 2023, 09:34:28 PM
8)

I'm texting this to one of my brothers who likes to eat bait. Or sushi as he calls it.

P.S. I have a I Love Sushi meme I can't post for fear of being sent to the corner without supper. But if someone double dog dared me to...  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on November 21, 2023, 09:26:28 AM
SUSHI:  Ancient Japanese word for one who can't make fire.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 23, 2023, 07:13:20 PM
 :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on November 23, 2023, 07:26:19 PM
You ain't right Peg....

 :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 23, 2023, 07:37:06 PM
For the breast lover. A stategically placed lemon cut in half will help keep it moist and sexy tender.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 23, 2023, 07:37:39 PM
You ain't right Peg....

 :o

You think HE ain't right...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on November 23, 2023, 08:47:49 PM
You ain't right neither....

 :P
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 23, 2023, 10:41:35 PM
My avatar ain't right either. I decided to give Mad Max a new gun today. Then I gave his dog my dog's face. Then I thought, his dog has my dog's face, I may as well give him MY face. So, now he's not Mad Max anymore, it's Mad Frank. And I have plenty to be mad about. If you zoom in on my avatar you get a blurry version of it like this. Blurring my face may be an improvement.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 24, 2023, 01:20:59 PM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 25, 2023, 10:33:32 PM
What I think it would look like with the 5" 1:5 twist barrel.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on November 26, 2023, 04:17:46 PM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 29, 2023, 12:57:54 AM
I edited the picture a little bit to get rid of the octagonal forehead and fix the hairline somewhat. It still looks like a little bit too much forehead, but at least it's not a fivehead, so it's close enough to real. You tell me does "Mad Frank" look better blurry or not blurred out? My dog looks better when he's not blurry.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on November 30, 2023, 05:06:53 AM
I just made up a joke but I need to go to Scotland to tell it.

I want to go to a Scottish pub, walk up to the bar and ask, "Do you serve Irish whisky in this pub?"

Then, whether the answer is yes or no, I'll say, "What about Americans?"  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 04, 2023, 05:39:32 AM
What is half a pair of pom-poms called?

A pom. Don't believe me? Look it up.

Once again, I've been pondering the imponderable so you don't have to. You're welcome.  ;)


P.S. Don't forget. There are no stupid questions, only stupid answers. Have you seen what comes up on college exams?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on December 04, 2023, 09:58:09 AM
P.S. Don't forget. There are no stupid questions, only stupid answers. Have you seen what comes up on college exams?

I like to point out that their might not be any stupid questions, but there are stupid times to ask them.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 04, 2023, 10:01:29 AM
Too true, my man. Too true. 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 05, 2023, 12:12:45 PM
 :o :o :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on December 05, 2023, 01:00:10 PM
As well she should.....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on December 05, 2023, 02:32:13 PM
:o :o :o

How long was he in the hospital? ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 05, 2023, 03:20:58 PM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 06, 2023, 09:13:20 AM
Did you hear about the dyslexic kids who tried to stay awake all night Christmas Eve? They were trying to get a glimpse of Satan Claus.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 06, 2023, 09:15:45 AM
:o :o :o

Now she'll be spending less time on her knees in the kitchen. And in the bedroom.  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on December 06, 2023, 09:29:12 AM
Miss Kitty joined DAM.


Mothers Against Dyslexicia
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on December 08, 2023, 05:47:08 PM
8)
Every man needs a ballast babe in his life.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 09, 2023, 11:04:53 AM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on December 10, 2023, 12:00:50 PM
Why is Santa always jolly?


He knows where all the naughty women live.


 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 10, 2023, 05:07:03 PM
I just noticed this thread has been viewed 1,329,522 times.  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on December 15, 2023, 09:14:17 PM
(https://www.archerytalk.com/attachments/38396eee-b271-4d47-b53b-eca0d86f42a3-gif.8004941/)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 16, 2023, 04:32:49 PM
Why is Santa always jolly?


He knows where all the naughty women live.


 ;D

And they all know when he's coming. Plus he only has to work one night a year.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 19, 2023, 07:03:32 PM
Here's the real reason I married my ex. And the reason I divorced her.

The hole was greater than the sum of the parts.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 21, 2023, 11:34:28 AM
And they all know when he's coming. Plus he only has to work one night a year.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 21, 2023, 11:35:53 AM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 21, 2023, 04:25:57 PM


And his bag is full. Watch out!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 21, 2023, 04:27:32 PM
8)

That's why you stick with bros before hoes.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 21, 2023, 08:37:32 PM
I was having a discussion about religion with a stranger one day, and I asked him, "How can you believe in God, if you've never seen Him?"

He replied, "Well, I believe Home Depot employees exist." ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 21, 2023, 08:39:01 PM
I used to have an uncle who could tell you exactly when and where you were going to die.. He was a hitman.  :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 21, 2023, 10:01:55 PM
I keep forgetting to post this. On the drive from my doctor's office to the bakery Tuesday afternoon, I was listening to Ozzy's Boneyard on SiriusXM as usual. Mark Strigl was the DJ and he said, you what metal god Rob Halford of Judas Priest eats for lunch? Since he's been openly gay for 25 years I thought I had a good idea what it was, but d**ks was the wrong answer. ???  It was grilled cheese! Who would have guessed that? Rob Halford was hanging out with Strigl on his Talking Metal podcast, one of the longest running podcasts. And when it was over they went to a restaurant across the street and Rob Halford ate a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch. I bet he ate a D or two later on. Maybe 3 or 4 if he was hungry.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 24, 2023, 08:24:04 PM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 25, 2023, 10:09:54 AM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 25, 2023, 11:51:40 PM
8)

That should be signed, Sarge. I've got to send him this.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 27, 2023, 04:51:32 AM
The Government Explained In A Song
'The Government Can'
(Parody on the "The Candy Man Can"

From twpter with a Y, a free speech alternative to twitter/X. It may take awhile to load.

https://twpter.com//video-clips/cali/2023-1219-0854-4746-v-cali.mp4
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on December 27, 2023, 03:27:17 PM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on December 27, 2023, 09:58:49 PM
You'll shoot your eye out kid!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_Pn92e0cV8
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on January 04, 2024, 07:59:37 AM
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant, and in the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant.
They must be saved.
I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department whom could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.
It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old-timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides.
It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave firefighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat truck!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 05, 2024, 12:24:03 PM
;D LOL, Jaimie.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 19, 2024, 11:55:26 PM
47 years ago I rode a chopper. It was a few years before I got my drivers license. The front wheel and tiny little handlebars were off a toddlers tricycle the neighbor kids outgrew. It had a 26" wheel in the back and maybe 12" in the front, with the fender attached to the bike's original forks. The CG was so far back, the front wheel came off the ground just hitting the curb cut at the end of the driveway. A stone on the road was almost enough to flip it over backward. I had to lean so far forward I almost kneed myself in the chest when I pedaled, but I was cool. I had the longest forks of anyone in the neighborhood by 3 feet.  8) ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: billt on January 21, 2024, 04:32:45 AM
Old man farting on people at Walmart.  ;D

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TL7C-LaAJC0
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 22, 2024, 08:10:11 AM
He should be fined for wearing socks with sandals. I'm sure that violates some kind of law.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 22, 2024, 11:02:58 AM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on January 22, 2024, 07:52:15 PM
Peg - That is too true to be a joke.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 25, 2024, 08:51:00 PM
I saw this on some site, I don't recall where. It was on T-shirts they sold IIRC. Safety first? Nah. Safety third.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on January 26, 2024, 09:55:29 AM
Probably came from some theater tech.

If safety was the first priority you’d never get anything done.  Nor own a bathtub or a ladder.

Mission is first.  Without a goal why do anything?
Budget is second.  How much money, assets and labor you got to work with.
Then given those constraints how can you accomplish it safely.

It’s not throwing safety out the window.  It’s evaluating the whole situation.  Sometimes the answer is “you can’t” so then you go back to make modifications to the goal or the budget. 

Think of it as that trade-off triangle.  Goal/mission on one point, budget on another and safety on the third.  Where do you put the intersection.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 26, 2024, 10:13:48 AM
Nowhere in these triangles does it mention safety. There's not room for it when the only thing that matters is production. You need to hit those numbers!

I think it was Ford who said Quality is Job 1. Safety wasn't their first priority either.

When I worked for GM it was:
  1. Production. Numbers.
  2. Quality. Good enough.
  3. Safety. Safe enough.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on January 26, 2024, 11:33:12 AM
Corey from Corey Wheat Customs on youtube says that a lot....Safey Third.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 27, 2024, 12:02:37 AM
Corey from Corey Wheat Customs on youtube says that a lot....Safey Third.

I liked that sign but it was too small, so 12 hours and one extremely sore wrist later, I have a bigger sign. It was 4800x4800 pixels but I cut it down to 2000x2000. That's big enough.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 27, 2024, 12:19:10 AM
I just resized the picture to fit my cell phone. New home screen in 3, 2, 1.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 28, 2024, 10:27:00 AM
I saw this picture of bats on a cave ceiling today and it reminded me of the Batman logo, so I overlaid the logo on the picture. It was a 1920x1080 image, perfect for my desktop, but I resized it 75% so I could post it. Here's a picture of the bats alone too. I posted the pic here because I thought it was funny that the bats arranged themselves this way, and I didn't want to start a new thread. 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on January 29, 2024, 02:34:41 AM
I never really did very well in school. I tried to apply myself, but it became apparent (not to me of course) that I was working with limited resources. Problems showed up early in grade school. I thought it was called 3rd grade because I passed after 3 attempts. But I made it through 4th grade on the second try, so I knew that wasn't right. Before that, I was in a special class. I thought it meant I was gifted, and it made me feel special. Back when we were learning colors, and how to put sentences together, my teacher told me to make a sentence using the word, "indigo". I stared at her like a deer in a car's headlights. I didn't know what indigo meant. She asked me again and after thinking about it I said, "In ten minutes, we fix indigo to lunch." Half of the class laughed at me. The rest looked at the clock and realized I was right (but it was 20 minutes, not 10). And so went my public edumacation for 17 years, until I finally gradjeated hi skool at age 23.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on January 31, 2024, 10:47:04 AM
Without searching through all 575 pages I'm hoping this is the first time for this oldie-but-goodie.

ABBOTT:   Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO:   Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT:   Mac?

COSTELLO:   No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT:   Your computer?

COSTELLO:   I don't own a computer.  I want to buy one.

ABBOTT:   Mac?

COSTELLO:   I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT:   What about Windows?

COSTELLO:   Why?  Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT:   Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO:   I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOTT:   Wallpaper.

COSTELLO:   Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT:   Software for Windows?

COSTELLO:   No.  On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOTT:   Office.

COSTELLO:   Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT:   I just did.

COSTELLO:   You just did what?

ABBOTT:   Recommend something.

COSTELLO:   You recommended something?

ABBOTT:   Yes.

COSTELLO:   For my office?

ABBOTT:   Yes.

COSTELLO:   OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT:   Office.

COSTELLO:   Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT:   I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO:   I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT:   Word.

COSTELLO:   What word?

ABBOTT:   Word in Office.

COSTELLO:   The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT:   The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO:   Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT:   The Word you get when you click the blue "W."

COSTELLO:   I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that.  Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT:   Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO:   Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of
your  business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT:   Real One.

COSTELLO:   If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT:   Of course.

COSTELLO:   Great! With what?

ABBOTT:   Real One.

COSTELLO:   OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT:   You click the blue "1."

COSTELLO:   I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT:   The blue "1."

COSTELLO:   Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT:   The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO:   What word?

ABBOTT:   The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO:   But there's three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT:   No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO:   It is?

ABBOTT:   Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It
pretty  much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO:   And that word is real one?

ABBOTT:   Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part
of  Office.

COSTELLO:   STOP! Don't start that again.  What about financial
bookkeeping?    You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT:   Money.

COSTELLO:   That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT:   Money.

COSTELLO:   I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT:   It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO:   What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT:   Money.

COSTELLO:   Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT:   Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO:   I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT:   One copy.

COSTELLO:   Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT:   Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.

COSTELLO:   They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT:   Why not? THEY OWN IT!

----------------------A FEW DAYS LATER . . ---------------------------------.

ABBOTT:   Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO:   How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT:   Click on "START"


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on January 31, 2024, 01:04:04 PM
I had to steal that one Alf!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on January 31, 2024, 05:26:24 PM
Yeah.  What Mr. Kennedy said.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on February 01, 2024, 08:52:18 AM
A Texan on vacation in Ireland walks into a pub and shouts over the noisy crowd " I hear you Irishmen are hella good drinkers . I'll give $500 to the first man who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back without stopping. " The room is quiet and not one man takes up the Texan on his offer.

Shortly afterwards one man leaves the bar and 20 minutes later comes back and taps the Texan on the shoulder and says " Excuse me sir , is your offer still good ?" The Texan answers " Well sure it is . Bartender , get this man his drinks." The bartender lines up 10 glasses of Guinness on the bar and immediately the Irishman tears into them . The crowd cheers as the Texan watches in amazement, and the Irishman finishes every glass back to back .

The Texan gladly pays him his $500 and says " If you don't mind me asking , where did you go when you left a little while ago ?" And the Irishman answers, " I went to the pub down the street to test if I could do it first . "
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on February 01, 2024, 11:29:42 AM
Keep em commin'. I am building my library!
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 02, 2024, 04:37:00 AM
I was going to say, I remember RealOne or RealOne Player. It turns out they still make it, but I haven't haven't had it installed for years. VLC Media Player will play just about any kind of audio or video file you can imagine. DVDs, Audio CDs, movies you download online, etc., with all different sorts of codecs, on Window, Mac, and Linux. 

https://www.real.com/

https://www.videolan.org/

Microsoft finally changed the start button on Windows 10 and 11 to a Windows symbol instead of the word Start. But if you hover your pointer over the "Window" it says Start. So, yes, you STILL click the Start button to turn it off, but it doesn't say Start on the button anymore.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on February 02, 2024, 08:17:00 AM

Microsoft finally changed the start button on Windows 10 and 11 to a Windows symbol instead of the word Start. But if you hover your pointer over the "Window" it says Start. So, yes, you STILL click the Start button to turn it off, but it doesn't say Start on the button anymore.

If you like the older menu system there is a small (FREE) program that I run at work on over 100 computers called "Classic Shell". Easy to install. You can find it at:

"http://www.classicshell.net/downloads/"

I don't think they "support" it on Windows 11 it does run fine on 10 or 11. I (we) have been using it for over 3 years on 10 and 11 without ANY issue.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 02, 2024, 09:00:52 AM
I've seen things like that where you can make your start menu, taskbar, and things look like Windows XP or whatever old version you liked. If it looks different now, I don't care, as long as it works. XP was the first thing I ever had, then I upgraded to Vista for free IIRC, then bought a Windows 7 computer when that one blew up. This computer was Windows 10 and I upgraded it to Windows 11, which is what my laptop already was. But my laptop won't upgrade past the 2022 version, and my desktop is the 2023 version. I don't get it. Maybe the laptop is too lame to update.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on February 02, 2024, 10:38:12 AM
I learned to just roll with it.  Been quad lingual, DOS, Windows, MAC and Unix, since each come out.   (I remember Windows 1.0 was a shell just to run Harvard Graphics  which was one of the first presentation software).  Actually there were many more opsys's over the years running on micros, minis and mainframes, but they're long since passed into oblivion, e.g., OS2.   Of course back in the '90s I had 11 computers running at my house, including an SQL server and a web server among others.  Down to 3 full blown computers(1 MAC & 2 Win), 2 tablets (1ea iPad & MS), and 5 Arduinos.

I think MS does a better job in backward compatibility.    On my office computer running Win10, I'm still running 17 year old versions of some programs.  Actually almost 40 years old if you count ADVENTURE.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on February 02, 2024, 10:40:17 AM
<Drift back on topic>

Sign in my neighborhood during Wuhan flu era.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on February 02, 2024, 11:51:02 AM
Actually almost 40 years old if you count ADVENTURE.

Of the colossal cave.  BTDT!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 02, 2024, 02:28:52 PM
In computer math class we had 3 computer terminals connected by by dial-up modem to the mainframe at the board of education building 0.2 miles away. I can't remember if they shared a printer or if each one had it's own printer, but there were no monitors. After class some kids were playing a Star Trek game on the computers. I think it was like a role-playing game, and when you made a move, the printer said where you moved to. That would have been around 1977, give or take a little. I would have to look at my high school transcripts to figure it out.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on February 02, 2024, 03:52:17 PM
For those who remember MCI sold out to WorldCom which was run by  shyster Bernie Ebbers who promptly went bankrupt.

Now what makes this particular cartoon relevant to me is my sr. manager at Wang Labs in the '80s, left to work for MCI and I gave him 2 cans and a piece of string.  Fast forward five years and he's a VP with MCI.  Hired me as his dog robber.  But then left me holding the bag when the bankruptcy came down.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 03, 2024, 02:04:39 AM
I remember doing that ^ when I was a kid. It's hard to believe it works.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 08, 2024, 04:43:36 PM
Joe Biden said that right after he was elected, he had a meeting with French President Mitterrand, who died in 1996. I posted it in this thread because our President is a joke.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on February 09, 2024, 08:35:35 AM
But Frank, jokes are supposed to be funny.  Our prezident is a sad, sad story.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on February 09, 2024, 08:45:53 AM
The news media may be turning on Biden now...seeing the hopelessness of facing Trump (provided the libs don't take Trump out).  They may dump Biden for Camel Toe and bring in the replacement at VP. 

The Biden document thing is everything they accused Trump of and more...and nothing is being done.  However, they may take out Biden because of the documents and then try to and use that action to disqualify Trump.

Who the heck knows? 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 09, 2024, 10:09:30 AM
The news media may be turning on Biden now...seeing the hopelessness of facing Trump (provided the libs don't take Trump out).  They may dump Biden for Camel Toe and bring in the replacement at VP. 

The Biden document thing is everything they accused Trump of and more...and nothing is being done.  However, if they may take out Biden because of the documents to try and use that action to disqualify Trump.

Who the heck knows?

Biden did what they accused Trump of doing. Hillary did what they accused trump of doing. Is anyone starting to see a pattern here? If you're afraid to have the truth about you come out, obfuscate as best you can, and accuse your opponent of doing exactly what you're guilty of.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 09, 2024, 08:24:26 PM
Biden did what they accused Trump of doing. Hillary did what they accused trump of doing. Is anyone starting to see a pattern here? If you're afraid to have the truth about you come out, obfuscate as best you can, and accuse your opponent of doing exactly what you're guilty of.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 10, 2024, 09:50:21 AM
LOL
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on February 10, 2024, 10:23:00 AM
I wasn't sure where to post this, but even though it is sad you just have to laugh at it:

What does it say about your administration that it is described as a senile old man and a slut, and as you attempt to defend yourself nobody, including your own party, comes to your aid?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on February 10, 2024, 11:22:19 AM
Slut?  Slut?  Are you saying the VP got to where she because she is a double breasted mattress thresher? 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on February 10, 2024, 06:15:47 PM
Biden did what they accused Trump of doing. Hillary did what they accused trump of doing. Is anyone starting to see a pattern here? If you're afraid to have the truth about you come out, obfuscate as best you can, and accuse your opponent of doing exactly what you're guilty of.
Alinskys 13 Rules for radicals, It was hillerys playbook     
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PiurJGZ1x9U
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 11, 2024, 01:55:50 PM
I got a job as a human cannonball.
I was immediately fired.

I got fired multiple times per day.

I was known for taking my lucky donkey to all my performances, and escaped near tragedy
last week when the donkey climbed into the cannon muzzle just as I was taking off.
It took the surgeons three hours to remove my head from my ass.

I went ballistic and witnesses confirmed I was over the hill.

So, I finally decided to quit my job at the circus.
The ringmaster said "Please, no you can't! We'll never be able to find another man of your caliber!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 14, 2024, 01:08:01 PM
A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender says, “that’ll be a dollar”
The guy thinks, “man, that’s cheap,” but the beer was delicious.
So he finishes his beer and decides to take a chance, “Bartender, I’ll have your finest wine.”
Bartender goes through a long process of showing the bottle, opening it, and aerating the wine.
He pours it into nice a nice glass and says, “That’ll be 50 cents”.
The guy can’t believe it.
So he thinks 'to heck with it' and says, “I’ll have a whole bottle of your best scotch."
The bartender hands it to him and says, “Here. On the house.”
Curiosity finally gets the better of the guy.
He asks “OK, where’s the owner?”
Bartender replies, “Upstairs with my wife.”
The guy asks, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”
The bartender looks the man in the eye and replies, “Same thing I’m down here doing to his business.....”
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 15, 2024, 03:18:28 AM
An Irishman finds a lamp. He rubs it and a Genie emerges. The Genie tells him he will be granted three wishes. The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "First, give me a bottomless mug of ale." A mug of ale appears in his hand. He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled. The Irishman is thrilled and continues to drink. The mug never empties. Then the Genie says, "And what about your other two wishes?" The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "Give me two more just like this one!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: crusader rabbit on February 15, 2024, 08:44:19 AM
Frank, as one who is half Irish, I'm inclined to take offense at that bit of so-called humor.  But, since I was gifted the second mug by my lucky brother, I'm too busy drinking to be bothered all that much.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 15, 2024, 10:04:20 AM
I thought that might be offensive but posted it anyway. I think this little gang of ours can all take a joke, and know that it's just a joke. And if you aren't offended, there are plenty of people outside of the forum who would gladly feel offended on your behalf. <-- I WISH that was only a joke!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on February 15, 2024, 10:26:08 AM
I would like to think that here, we are all mature enough to handle jokes of all types. Most of us (at least myself) have told one or two of them ourselves.

In a lot of ways, the longer you live, the thicker your skin becomes.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 15, 2024, 01:38:42 PM
Slut?  Slut?  Are you saying the VP got to where she because she is a double breasted mattress thresher?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 15, 2024, 07:06:16 PM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 19, 2024, 03:00:05 AM
I never heard of this guy before but thought he was VERY funny. Enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-U4VLVTFDE
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 19, 2024, 05:33:43 AM
Due to Political Correctness, The Cracker Barrel will henceforth be known as The Caucasian Barrel. That is all.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 19, 2024, 06:41:00 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 19, 2024, 06:58:03 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 22, 2024, 06:08:43 PM
When I saw my urologist, he was in a bad mood. I asked him what his problem was. The patient before me was a boy with one nut, so the doctor was feeling a little teste.

I just found out my friend's veterinarian was doing free neutering for No Nut November.

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 27, 2024, 01:41:53 AM
Chicken was on sale yesterday. Whole birds were a poultry sum.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on February 27, 2024, 09:28:39 AM
Yep
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 29, 2024, 08:20:47 AM
I'll see your Evaporated Milk, and raise you a Dehydrated Water. Your call, Alf.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on February 29, 2024, 08:21:26 AM
Playing Chicken?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on February 29, 2024, 04:00:38 PM
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 01, 2024, 05:35:45 AM
I like how they spelled Parabellum on the ammo boxes with the British slang for penis, bell end. Don't be a bell end. Don't stick your bell end where it shouldn't be.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 01, 2024, 05:37:18 AM
I remember we wee talking about Safety Third before, and I just finished fixing up this image this morning. I'm going to make it match the resolution of my cell phone screen and use it as a background image.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 01, 2024, 11:33:36 AM
I forgot to post the phone-size version of this I have as my home screen now. Anyone who wants it is welcome to it. Instead of 9x16 720p High Definition, it's 9x18.9 or 2.1 to 1. The top and bottom can be trimmed to fit other formats.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on March 01, 2024, 01:38:41 PM
I'm the poster boy for safety.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on March 01, 2024, 07:12:08 PM
Ladders shake too much for me to get that high up....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 01, 2024, 07:20:44 PM
I try not to use the top 2 steps on my stepladder, like it says, and even 4 feet up a 6 foot ladder sometimes it's shaky.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on March 02, 2024, 03:19:15 AM
Some times your the reason for the safety meeting.  Some times they need sketchy shit.

I have spent a good part of my working life on a ladder
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on March 02, 2024, 06:50:45 AM
I liked to call unannounced safety meetings.  Everyone started to panic about someone getting fired, layoffs or drug searches or whatever...when they found out it was a safety meeting the point was taken and carried back into the field with them.

They should have known if wasn't someone getting fired...I always did that sort of thing very quietly and no one knew what had happened until they missed someone.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 02, 2024, 06:56:20 PM
We had weekly safety meetings when I worked for GM. When we got the whole "team concept" thing going, I ended up being the safety representative for my line. Once a week I grabbed a clipboard and walked around the area looking for safety hazards (that weren't named Frank ;)), and asked my teammates if they had anything to report. One day when it was raining, we didn't just have another leak in the roof and water pooling on the floor. Water was coming out of an electrical conduit that ended with a duplex outlet on the column, about 3' off the ground. It was like an episode of The Three Stooges happening in real life. I made a note of it on my clipboard and told my stupidvisor before I went back to work on the line. True story. I s**t you not.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 03, 2024, 12:03:40 PM
 :(
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on March 04, 2024, 10:26:48 AM
One day when it was raining, we didn't just have another leak in the roof and water pooling on the floor. Water was coming out of an electrical conduit that ended with a duplex outlet on the column, about 3' off the ground. It was like an episode of The Three Stooges happening in real life. I made a note of it on my clipboard and told my stupidvisor before I went back to work on the line. True story. I s**t you not.

Interesting fact, PURE distilled water will not conduct electricity. It is the contaminants in the water that actually are responsible for the current of electricity.

https://www.sciencealert.com/after-centuries-scientists-have-finally-figured-out-how-water-conducts-electricity

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on March 04, 2024, 12:00:37 PM
This I've known however from the article: 

Quote
"totally pure water, which is rarely found outside the lab"

Even rainwater is contaminated with pollution and will conduct electricity, the extent of which depends on the amount and kind of pollution.   So be careful

I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.

I’m trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on March 04, 2024, 01:23:20 PM
This I've known however from the article: 

Even rainwater is contaminated with pollution and will conduct electricity, the extent of which depends on the amount and kind of pollution.   So be careful

I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.

I’m trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.


That is why I stated PURE water. I haven't tried it yet but I should do an experiment using distilled water and maybe a 9v battery and light!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on March 04, 2024, 02:34:15 PM
I know, Jim.  What I should have emphasized the "rarely found outside the lab" part.

Use 120Vac and a low amp light bulb.  Say a 25W.  9V? Pashah.    Then maybe go 240V with two 120V bulbs in series. 

I did a pool chemical analysis on my tap water.  It has more chlorine than that recommended for backyard pools.   And I'm sure there were other "things" in there.


I was surprised when I saw a someone get struck by lightning.

They were shocked as well. 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 04, 2024, 08:18:07 PM
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 04, 2024, 08:19:54 PM
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule......He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on March 05, 2024, 10:36:43 AM


I used to wonder how lightning worked.

Then it struck me.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on March 06, 2024, 03:32:35 PM
Well done meme
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 07, 2024, 03:02:33 AM


Downloaded in 720P to show my friends when I go up north. It should look good with my new LCD projector. I never bother with 1080p because my laptop is a POS.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 07, 2024, 03:08:49 AM
Well done meme

I just had the sudden urge to listen to The 5th Dimension. :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 08, 2024, 11:56:52 PM
New from G2 Research Ammunitions, the 40mm R.I.P. (Rest In Pieces) round.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on March 10, 2024, 08:58:10 PM
May the Force be with you
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 10, 2024, 11:44:46 PM
Alf, I give that one a small LIKE and a big GROAN. That was my 1,000th Like. Yay! I like you! I really like you! ;D

I couldn't remember what show it was, but when Robot Chicken did one of their Star Wars episodes, the Emperor said, "What the hell is an Aluminum Falcon?" ;D  When I searched for the part I quoted it came right up. I was thinking it was Peter Griffin on Family Guy who said it, and since this sounds like Glen Quagmire from Family Guy, I was close. This was a guest appearance by Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane. I had the right voice actor but the wrong show.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3F1d3QWsyk0
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on March 12, 2024, 05:39:37 AM
I'm really slow with a lot of things.  That one I got!

May the Force be with you
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 13, 2024, 09:08:14 AM
Basic Electricity -Part 1.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFN0wqUIY6o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 14, 2024, 10:32:54 AM
Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on March 14, 2024, 01:28:02 PM
Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
 8)


GROOOOWWWWWNNNNNNNN


 :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :P :P :P :P :P
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 14, 2024, 05:48:54 PM

GROOOOWWWWWNNNNNNNN


 :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :P :P :P :P :P

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 14, 2024, 05:49:27 PM
 :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 14, 2024, 06:23:30 PM
At least you know HIS day is getting better.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 15, 2024, 12:22:46 PM
At least you know HIS day is getting better.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 15, 2024, 08:30:07 PM
They're always after my Lucky Charms.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on March 15, 2024, 08:44:37 PM
:o

Story time....

Years ago I was a best man.  I had to throw a Batchelor party.

So I get thus great idea to inflate blow up dolls with helium... than tye them to bumpers of those in the party.

We started out in South Lake Tahoe and ended up in Vegas.  To this day no one knows how or when we got there.

I do know every one had a blast and we to this day only get bits and pieces from every one that went.   No one remembers  the whole thing.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 16, 2024, 02:03:20 PM
The problem with being the best man is, you never get a chance to prove it.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on March 16, 2024, 06:23:21 PM
He was marrying  a piece of trash.  Every one knew it but him.   It lasted about a year.   She became pregnant, only he could not have kids as he lost his testicle in a dirt bike accident  at 18.( I was there it was ugly.)  She went after him  of corse, but his medical records  shut that down pretty quick.  He still lost ~200k.  Rough lesson to learn that is for sure.  The party was pretty darn epic from the bits I can remember, it gets even better from what other can remember. 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on March 16, 2024, 07:05:05 PM
He was marrying  a piece of trash.  Every one knew it but him.   It lasted about a year.   She became pregnant, only he could not have kids as he lost his testicle in a dirt bike accident  at 18.( I was there it was ugly.)  She went after him  of corse, but his medical records  shut that down pretty quick.  He still lost ~200k.  Rough lesson to learn that is for sure.  The party was pretty darn epic from the bits I can remember, it gets even better from what other can remember.

That is terrible. 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 17, 2024, 04:14:56 PM
That is terrible.

I agree. That's a lot of money to lose to a bitch that didn't deserve one cent. Not to mention how painful the motorcycle accident must have been.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on March 18, 2024, 09:39:35 AM
Trying to post joke. I hope this works.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on March 18, 2024, 11:50:33 AM
An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive European sports car. Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man.

He yells, "Look what you did to my car! You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"

"Oh my…" the old man said nervously. "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son,” he said with hope. “He trains dolphins and he will know what to do."

"Dolphins!" the other driver huffed while rolling his eyes.
The old man pulled out his phone, dialed his son, and just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man.

"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh?” The irate man yelled, “Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need TEN GRAND right now, or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp!". "I'll be there in 10 minutes." says the voice calmly on the other end.

Exactly 10 minutes later, a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When he finished, he walked over to his father and said, "For the last time Dad, I train Seals… Navy Seals. NOT dolphins!”
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 18, 2024, 02:43:27 PM
Trying to post joke. I hope this works.

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 18, 2024, 09:49:38 PM
Hey ladies, looking for Fun, Frank, & Love? Find a Frank of your very own with Frank Finder.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on March 19, 2024, 10:46:24 AM
Works for me!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on March 19, 2024, 11:13:06 AM
They need this in the White House.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on March 19, 2024, 11:16:51 AM
Does your wife drive one of these?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on March 19, 2024, 12:16:35 PM
LAst one for a while.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 19, 2024, 07:02:25 PM
Does your wife drive one of these?

That's the only one my ex didn't blow the engine on from lack of maintenance.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 19, 2024, 07:08:12 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 21, 2024, 12:03:34 AM
This is why you must choose your words carefully. ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 21, 2024, 06:18:04 PM
HR Manager: You can't call other employees 'foreskins'
Me: Well, they disappear when things get hard.
HR Manager: You still can't
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on March 21, 2024, 07:17:15 PM
 :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 22, 2024, 07:31:18 PM
What do you call a bird that's hit with a lawnmower? Shredded Tweet.

I think I was a kid when I heard that. If that doesn't fit the definition of a "classic joke" I don't know what does. :)  I also don't know why I thought of it but I'm very hungry and about to eat some turkey jerky. Not shredded tweet, but close.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on March 24, 2024, 03:02:48 PM
(https://www.archerytalk.com/cdn-cgi/image/format=auto,onerror=redirect,width=1920,height=1920,fit=scale-down/https://www.archerytalk.com/attachments/picdump782_110-jpg.8073970/)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfsauve on March 24, 2024, 03:44:59 PM
Well it is just a Chevrolet after all.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 24, 2024, 07:02:26 PM
Well it is just a Chevrolet after all.

Watch it, Mister. It's not a truck problem, it's a people problem. There's a nut loose behind the wheel, and another on the passenger side. An ID10T problem if there ever was one.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 24, 2024, 07:06:05 PM
I found out Wikipedia has a Prostitution symbol. And I already knew they had a Smiley face, so...  ;D


And I made the tires match. The ho isn't leaning on the car hard enough to flatten out the tread on that side of the car.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 24, 2024, 07:08:18 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on March 26, 2024, 08:42:41 AM


Two tall trees, a birch, and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch,
'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?
The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
It is, however, the best little piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 26, 2024, 03:05:59 PM
This is funny. Trump Hair Cotton Candy. I just ordered some.

Off the top of your head, what is Trump’s most distinctive feature?

Yes, we know.  We couldn’t resist labeling our fluffy and sweet butterscotch flavored cotton candy in his likeness.  And in case your comb-over needs fluffing, this can double as a toupee!  Democrats and Republicans agree, our cotton candy is the sweetest!


https://mygourmetcottoncandy.com/product/trump-hair-cotton-candy/
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on March 27, 2024, 05:28:15 PM
What small, green and smells like ham?


Kermit the frogs finger.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on March 28, 2024, 08:57:34 AM
Cute joke!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on March 28, 2024, 08:59:20 AM
Those must have been some GOOD mushrooms.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on March 28, 2024, 09:00:47 AM
Indeed.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on March 28, 2024, 09:11:38 AM
For ALL of your female HARD WORKERS.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Jim Kennedy-ar154me on March 28, 2024, 09:15:44 AM
Please forgive me!!! And you, if you laugh.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 28, 2024, 04:36:57 PM
What small, green and smells like ham?


Kermit the frogs finger.

I thought his face smelled like pork, but I could be mistaken. It's been a long time since I heard anything about him.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QxeNX8zlqjc :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 28, 2024, 04:39:18 PM
For ALL of your female HARD WORKERS.

By now, Victoria doesn't have a whole lot of secrets left. ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 28, 2024, 04:47:13 PM
Please forgive me!!! And you, if you laugh.

I just stole that.

In my twisted mind, when I hear the Peter Gabriel song Shock the Monkey, sometimes I can't help thinking Spank the Monkey. Certainly not a parody Weird Al would do. But when he sings the song in German my mind goes blank.

Hey, hey, hey
Monkey, monkey, monkey
Don't you know you're going to spank the monkey?
Hey, hey

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CnVf1ZoCJSo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6HYWk0LLbMo
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 28, 2024, 11:28:49 PM
My friends started to suspect I have dyslexia when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 28, 2024, 11:30:05 PM
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?  ???
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 28, 2024, 11:31:42 PM
A pickpocket stole a midget's wallet. It's hard to believe someone could stoop so low.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on March 28, 2024, 11:32:35 PM
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"